July 28, 2025 • 26 mins
In abusive relationships it might be difficult or even impossible to discern which parts of yourself are truly you and which are shaped by the abuse. Let's talk about what it takes to start building or rebuilding your identity.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to Love and Abuse, the show about navigating the difficult relationship. You deserve respect and kindness.
(00:07):
All the information on this show is meant for educational purposes only.
Always seek a professional for your mental health and well-being, and always pick your battles wisely. I'm your host, Paul Colaianni.
Thanks for joining me for another episode of Love and Abuse.
I'm going to get right to the You've spoken about remembering who you were before the relationship when you have lost yourself,
(00:36):
especially as a result of covert abuse.
What happens if you've been in an abusive relationship from a very young age?
How do you understand what parts of you are who you are, and what parts of you are as a result of the abuse? Thank you for any response. I listen to your podcast frequently.
(00:57):
Thank you for sharing that very important question.
I'm going to look at this again and read this line by line.
You've spoken about remembering who you were before the relationship and when you have lost yourself, especially as a result of covert abuse.
It can happen with any type of abuse, but yes, covert abuse is more insidious in many ways because you can't always tell that it's happening.
(01:23):
So you may be in a covert abusive relationship and you don't even know it.
You just think you're having difficulties with the person that is saying or doing things that are causing you to feel bad,
causing you to feel bad about yourself, causing you to feel guilty, causing you to feel responsible for all the relationship problems.
(01:47):
Covertly, you are being manipulated to believe you are the cause of the relationship difficulties.
That's why it's called, well, one of the reasons it's called covert abuse. You can't tell it's happening. It's under the radar.
So yes, if there's been covert abuse most of your life, we're going to talk about that in a moment, but yes, you can lose yourself because of that.
(02:14):
You can become a shell of your former self because of that.
Or in this case, who was your former self?
That's what this person's asking in some respect.
Then they ask, how do you understand what parts of you are you, are who you are and what parts of you are as a result of the abuse? I'll say this right off.
(02:38):
Any decision you make that's from a place of fear or desperation usually comes from a place of unhealed traumas, unhealed
coping mechanisms, something that you haven't resolved or processed in yourself.
(03:00):
And any decision that's made that has a hint of worry that you might hurt someone else or affect someone in a negative way.
So you make a different decision because of that.
If that happens more often than not, then you are probably making decisions from a place, at least according to this person's
(03:26):
question in relation to what they're asking from the result of the abuse.
Because an empowered decision is one made where you feel it is the right thing to do for you.
And yes, other people will be affected by your decisions, but the empowered decision comes from a place of doing what's right
(03:51):
for you or saying what's right for you.
So that might look like this is what I need to do because it's the right thing to do for me.
Now, if you're affected, you know, this is you thinking out loud or the empowered person, hopefully you thinking about this out loud.
(04:11):
If you're affected that, you know, that could happen, but you will have to deal with how it affects you because this is what I need to do for me. That's how I see empowerment.
Empowerment is the ability to make decisions that are right for you.
And disempowered is when you make decisions based on fear.
(04:33):
You are afraid of making a decision because it will affect you in a negative way.
Almost always because of somebody else in your life.
Now, what can happen is that you can be alone and make these decisions that you are making out of fear because of the unhealed
traumas and all of the negative events that have occurred in your life that you haven't processed yet, or even one big negative
(04:59):
event that has occurred in your life that you haven't processed and healed and moved forward from.
For example, I used to be very afraid of my stepfather because he would yell, he was kicking walls and throwing his drinking
glasses and smashing them in the house.
(05:22):
And there would always be new holes in the walls or a broken window.
And he has hit my mom at least three or four times and there have been near misses.
I mean, he threw a hammer at her head once.
It's just, wow, that's a lot to process.
And I don't know if my mom has actually healed from all that. She has moved on. She's very resilient.
(05:44):
Not always a good thing, but sometimes it is helpful.
I mean, you don't want to be resilient to bad behavior while it's happening, but to be resilient after the fact so that you
can move on with your life, that can be a good thing.
I do believe in trying to heal from this stuff, trying to process it, trying to release it, but sometimes you can't.
(06:05):
And so, and my mom does this too.
Sometimes she makes decisions out of fear.
She doesn't always make her decisions out of an empowered place, out of standing up for herself, knowing what's right for her.
Sometimes she will make them out of fear.
So I'm not saying every decision that one makes out of fear has to do with unhealed trauma or abuse or anything like that.
(06:28):
But I do know that making decisions from that place is very disempowered.
And when you're disempowered, I see that as something that has affected you from childhood or growing up and having experienced something abusive or traumatic.
And that's what you carry with you.
Because when you heal from that stuff, you're not thinking about it later, hoping it doesn't happen when you make the decision.
(06:55):
I mean, it might come up, but it doesn't necessarily affect you at the deeper emotional level that will force you to change your mind.
For example, you get into a relationship with someone who's really abusive, maybe physically abusive, and you finally get
out of that relationship and you say, I'll never go back to that again. That's an empowered decision right there.
(07:17):
I'll never go back to that again, even though there might be some fear in there, like I never want that to happen again. But it's empowered.
It's standing up and being comfortable in your own skin and committing to yourself, committing to the universe, committing
to God that you will never, ever be treated that way again.
You will never get into a relationship like that again, so that you can move forward and enjoy life without being abused.
(07:42):
And when you make that declaration to the universe, that means when you get into a relationship and it turns out that the
person is starting to be abusive, you won't tolerate it.
You'll either leave or you'll put your hand up and say, no more.
And if it continues, I'm done, which is you enforcing your boundaries, which I'm going to talk about next.
(08:02):
But those are empowered decisions not being made from fear, but being made so that you don't have to feel fear again.
That's how I differentiate between a disempowered decision and an empowered decision.
Now, when it comes to this person who asked the question, how do you understand what parts of you are who you are and what
(08:27):
parts of you are a result of the abuse? That's one way. How do you make decisions? Where do they come from?
Are they for you or you're doing it because you're afraid of somebody else's decisions?
If they're for you, here's the next question, right?
How do I know if it's for me?
How do I know if I'm making decisions that are beneficial to me and not just some old programming or old trauma, PTSD?
(08:55):
Here's how I see it, is that we need to know what our boundaries are. Some people don't know.
Some people do not know what's right for them and what's not right for them.
I define boundaries as what you will and won't accept in your life.
So let's just say you have no idea what part of you is you and what part of you is because of the abuse and the trauma.
(09:21):
Let's just say that you have no clue who you were before because this person started off very young being abused.
And if you were young or you started off young in an abusive relationship, you may not know what it was like before.
You may not have a reference to what a normal, healthy, even happy life looks like. You may have no reference.
(09:46):
So it can be hard to build something that you don't have a reference for.
If you've never heard of a brick and somebody said build a brick wall, you have no reference for it. You might figure something out.
You might know that a wall is made of certain things, but without the understanding of what a brick is, it can be difficult. So what do you do?
(10:09):
Paul, if I didn't know what a brick was, how would I know how to build a wall? Here's how I would do it. I would redefine brick.
I mean, the obvious answer is talk to somebody else, ask them what a brick is, but that's not going to work for the point I'm making. So bear with me.
But let's just say that you had no one to ask or nobody knew what a brick was. So now you're creating this wall. It could be a boundary wall.
(10:36):
We're going to create this wall out of these things called bricks.
We don't know what a brick is, so let's define one.
Well, let me make this dirt into a pile of dirt. Does that work? No. Let me add some water. Hey, it turned into mud. Does that work? Not really.
Hey, I found some red dirt over here. I put some water in there. Does that work? No.
(10:59):
So now we have a somewhat understanding of building a wall takes some certain ingredients.
And in order to figure out who you are and what part of you is, you know, the old trauma or the abuse and what part of you
is really you, you define what you will and won't accept in your life.
And it comes down to a matter of wants and needs too, but mostly wants.
(11:24):
What do I want in my life?
And most people will say, well, I know what I don't want.
I don't want somebody to hurt me anymore. Okay.
So you want somebody who treats you right.
Let's turn those don't wants into wants.
I want somebody who takes the time to emotionally connect with me. That's a want.
This is the first want in many wants of how you want your life to from this point forward, because if you don't know who you
(11:55):
are, where you've lost yourself in an abusive relationship of any sort, it's important to define what you want going forward.
I'm not saying the don't wants aren't important. They are. I don't want this. I don't want this.
I don't want this, but all of those will have an, I want attached to it.
And it's important to know the I wants.
(12:16):
If you don't know the I wants, sometimes you don't get what you want.
And that sounds obvious, but let me give you an example.
When I was younger, I didn't want to be in debt.
I didn't want to be broke because I had experienced enough of that.
I didn't want to be broke anymore.
And so I finally got out of debt, but I barely made ends meet.
(12:36):
I wasn't in debt, but I barely made ends meet.
And I realized my pursuit was always to just stay out of debt.
If I'm just trying to stay out of debt, I succeeded.
It's like I met my goal of staying out of debt by living paycheck to paycheck and hoping I made enough for the next week, but I wasn't in debt.
(13:01):
This is why the I wants are important.
I could have said, I want to make a thousand bucks a week.
And when I define that want, I have something to shoot for, something tangible.
And when I finally said that to myself, I realized I, you know, I'm, I'm doing my best to stay out of debt.
(13:22):
I want to go further than that.
I want to, I want something more for myself.
And I'm not saying that this is a magic pill.
And once you I want this, it's going to happen. I hope it does.
I hope, but I realized that I was always trying to move away from what I didn't want instead of move toward what I did want.
And when we're in that frame of mind, always moving away from what we don't want, we might end up with what we don't want.
(13:51):
That's why I believe it's important to make sure that you know what you want and you don't want.
And sometimes you don't know what you want and what you don't want, because again, you may have no reference to what's good
and what's bad and what makes you happy and what doesn't.
And I'm going to get to that in a moment, but everything that you want, everything that you want in your life is something you value.
(14:19):
And when we move toward what we value, we will know how it feels when we don't get it. And that's important.
If you value kindness and respect, you know how it feels when you don't get it.
If you've experienced disrespect and unkindness, you know how it feels.
(14:40):
So wanting it makes it a value in your life.
And when you the possibility for unhappiness in your life.
So moving toward values and getting as many of those values as you can fulfilled in your life, usually increases the possibility of fulfillment and happiness. So those are values. Now we talk about boundaries.
(15:10):
Boundaries are what you will and won't accept in your life.
And this is how you find who you are.
Because if you don't know who you are, you don't know what parts of you are real or how to get in touch with that person that
you lost, you know, the person that was you. Boundaries are the key. What does that look like?
(15:33):
Let's just say that you want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't smoke. No offense to the smokers. Some people do it. Some people don't. It's not my thing.
But let's just say that you want to be with a smoker and they light up on the first date or they start smoking while you're together and you don't like it.
In fact, you think it's so unhealthy that you don't want to breathe it in. You have a boundary.
(15:58):
The question is, will you enforce that? And how do you enforce it?
I think the best way to enforce a boundary in a romantic relationship is to say, it bothers me when you do that.
Or I can't breathe around you when you do that.
That's a very passive way to say it.
(16:18):
I mean, if it happened to my relationship, I'd say, what the hell, you started smoking?
I would just be straight up with it.
But we're not in a difficult situation.
It would be easier to have that kind of conversation. But that's my boundary.
I'm like, I don't want a smoker in my life.
I don't want a smoker in my house.
I don't want my clothes to smell like smoke.
I don't want to go outside on my front porch and smell smoke.
(16:42):
I'm not going to be able to handle that.
I'm not going to be able to live with it.
But if my wife said, well, this is what I like to do now.
And I'm sorry that you don't like it, but this is what I like to do. And I'm not going to stop.
Wow, that would be challenging because it's a big boundary of mine.
I would ask myself, is there a way that I could tolerate this?
(17:06):
Is my connection with her and my love for her and our relationship as a whole more important than smoke?
It would be very difficult, but this is a challenging example.
It's something that somebody does that really affects you.
That would be a big example of, wow, do I break up? Do I divorce? What should I do? I think a conversation is important.
(17:32):
Like me saying to my wife, I don't like when you smoke. I can smell it.
I can taste it when I kiss you. It's nasty to me.
And where that conversation went would be where the relationship goes. Who knows?
I don't ever want to have that conversation with her, but it is something that would bother me and I would need to express
(17:55):
myself because it's a boundary of mine.
And so I'll do my best to express my boundary and find out where it goes. But again, that's a harsh example. That is a life-changing thing.
But isn't emotional abuse a harsh example?
Isn't it kind of along the same lines of something that you don't want to accept in your life?
(18:18):
Hey, when you embarrass me in front of your friends, I don't like that. It hurts.
It makes me feel like you don't love me or respect me.
It makes me feel like you're not even proud of me.
You don't like having me on your arm when your friends are around. Why? What's going on? Why do you do that? That's another harsh example.
(18:39):
Another real example that many people go through.
So when you look at these two examples, you can ask yourself, is this what I want?
Is this what I want in my life? So we go back to values.
When you realize what you want and what you don't want in your life, you can now make them into boundaries.
(18:59):
Like, no, I will not accept this.
Now you are defining who you are to the world.
No, I will not allow somebody to do that in my house.
No, I will not allow somebody to say that to me.
That is how you start defining yourself and finding yourself, especially if you can't.
(19:23):
If you can't rediscover who you were before all the bad behavior started, before they started making you feel less than you
are, then it might be time to define yourself from the ground up, finding the ingredients for that brick wall that you're
trying to create, the brick wall of who you are.
(19:45):
You define yourself to the world because what ends up happening when you do this is you start showing up in the world the
way you want to, and you feel better in yourself, about yourself.
You feel better showing up to the world as you are, because you are defining yourself in the world, to the world, as you move forward.
(20:11):
So if you have a strict boundary that no one is allowed to disrespect you, and if they do, you're not going to have any part of it.
You're either going to walk away or say, hey, you're not allowed to disrespect me.
If you have that boundary in your life and someone disrespects you, you can either fall back and not enforce the boundary
(20:34):
and allow that little piece of you to get taken away, or you can move forward and strengthen that piece of you that created that boundary in the first place.
That's how you build or rebuild yourself.
You set these boundaries, you think about them, you think about what you value, and then you start laying these bricks and
(20:58):
you show the world what is acceptable to you and what is not, then the rebuilding happens all on its own.
When you can remember who you were and you feel good about who you were, you can start to connect with those parts of yourself again.
But when you can't, when it's been so long that you've just lost that person, you do have to rebuild.
(21:21):
And rebuilding is not always a bad thing. It's really not.
I know it's sad that that part of you is gone, but there was also that part of you that got taken for this awful ride.
And I'm not blaming you for being that person.
I'm saying that there was a part of you that maybe, just maybe, allowed yourself to be in a situation that continued for longer than it should have.
(21:48):
And that's not even the right word. It's not allowed. It's more like tolerated.
You tolerated something probably longer than you should have.
And again, that's not to blame you. That's not your fault. That's their fault.
It's their fault for making you think that they were going to improve.
(22:09):
It's their fault for convincing you that if you just wait a little longer, things will get better. That's just a coercion. That's a manipulation. And sometimes that happens.
Sometimes we are convinced by people who are doing hurtful behaviors, emotionally abusive behaviors, and then they'll say
things that make you think, okay, maybe they'll change.
(22:31):
They said this, and maybe they're going to change. So we give them more time.
And then they're very good at doing that.
We give them more time and more time and more time, and then we never see the change.
And that's why it's important to restore yourself, rebuild yourself, or build yourself anew.
And don't be afraid of building yourself anew because sometimes you discover things that you didn't know you liked.
(22:57):
Sometimes you discover parts of yourself that you didn't realize were there.
I didn't realize I liked that kind of music.
I didn't realize I liked doing this recreational activity.
I didn't realize I liked redheads or brunettes or blondes.
I didn't realize short or tall people would be a great partner or whatever.
I didn't realize I would like this kind of job. That's the great part about rebuilding.
(23:21):
I remember I actually had to do this, not out of an abusive relationship, but I was stuck on brunettes. I wanted brunettes in my life.
And so that's the only people I would choose. It's very shallow. It was.
But that was the kind of hair I wanted in a woman.
And I just had a certain type. I mean, sometimes we do that.
(23:43):
Sometimes we but I wouldn't let it go. I couldn't.
And then one day I decided to let it go. One day I decided, okay, fine.
You know, I'm not in a relationship. I can't find a relationship. Maybe I'm just being too close-minded.
Then suddenly I realized I do like blondes and I do like red hair and I do like other hairstyles and other body styles.
(24:05):
I just opened my mind to more and I found more happiness because I wasn't so stuck on what it's supposed to look like.
Because I believed what happiness is supposed to look like was an exact formula. And it's not always that.
It's not always the exact way you think it's going to be.
And so just stay a little open-minded if you're in that zone of thought.
(24:31):
I mean, when it comes to rebuilding your life, you don't know what you don't know until you start doing this.
And you really start enforcing your boundaries if you feel comfortable enough doing that around the people you're around.
Sometimes, you know, this is a pick your battles wisely kind of approach.
But you want to make sure that you start doing that within you, inside yourself.
(24:52):
Start understanding what you want, what you need, what's acceptable, what's not, so that you can build upon that foundation and move forward with that foundation. I do hope this helps you.
I want to thank that person who wrote. I appreciate you sharing that.
Stay strong and share this episode with somebody who might benefit.
(25:14):
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(25:37):
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button on the podcast page over at loveandabuse.com.
This show exists to remind you that you are not alone and you're not going crazy.
You are worthy of respect, kindness, and love, and you deserve to be loved. Be accepted exactly as you are. Stay strong. We'll talk again soon.
Welcome to Love and Abuse, the show about navigating the difficult relationship. You deserve respect and kindness.
(00:07):
All the information on this show is meant for educational purposes only.
Always seek a professional for your mental health and well-being, and always pick your battles wisely. I'm your host, Paul Colaianni.
Thanks for joining me for another episode of Love and Abuse.
I'm going to get right to the You've spoken about remembering who you were before the relationship when you have lost yourself,
(00:36):
especially as a result of covert abuse.
What happens if you've been in an abusive relationship from a very young age?
How do you understand what parts of you are who you are, and what parts of you are as a result of the abuse? Thank you for any response. I listen to your podcast frequently.
(00:57):
Thank you for sharing that very important question.
I'm going to look at this again and read this line by line.
You've spoken about remembering who you were before the relationship and when you have lost yourself, especially as a result of covert abuse.
It can happen with any type of abuse, but yes, covert abuse is more insidious in many ways because you can't always tell that it's happening.
(01:23):
So you may be in a covert abusive relationship and you don't even know it.
You just think you're having difficulties with the person that is saying or doing things that are causing you to feel bad,
causing you to feel bad about yourself, causing you to feel guilty, causing you to feel responsible for all the relationship problems.
(01:47):
Covertly, you are being manipulated to believe you are the cause of the relationship difficulties.
That's why it's called, well, one of the reasons it's called covert abuse. You can't tell it's happening. It's under the radar.
So yes, if there's been covert abuse most of your life, we're going to talk about that in a moment, but yes, you can lose yourself because of that.
(02:14):
You can become a shell of your former self because of that.
Or in this case, who was your former self?
That's what this person's asking in some respect.
Then they ask, how do you understand what parts of you are you, are who you are and what parts of you are as a result of the abuse? I'll say this right off.
(02:38):
Any decision you make that's from a place of fear or desperation usually comes from a place of unhealed traumas, unhealed
coping mechanisms, something that you haven't resolved or processed in yourself.
(03:00):
And any decision that's made that has a hint of worry that you might hurt someone else or affect someone in a negative way.
So you make a different decision because of that.
If that happens more often than not, then you are probably making decisions from a place, at least according to this person's
(03:26):
question in relation to what they're asking from the result of the abuse.
Because an empowered decision is one made where you feel it is the right thing to do for you.
And yes, other people will be affected by your decisions, but the empowered decision comes from a place of doing what's right
(03:51):
for you or saying what's right for you.
So that might look like this is what I need to do because it's the right thing to do for me.
Now, if you're affected, you know, this is you thinking out loud or the empowered person, hopefully you thinking about this out loud.
(04:11):
If you're affected that, you know, that could happen, but you will have to deal with how it affects you because this is what I need to do for me. That's how I see empowerment.
Empowerment is the ability to make decisions that are right for you.
And disempowered is when you make decisions based on fear.
(04:33):
You are afraid of making a decision because it will affect you in a negative way.
Almost always because of somebody else in your life.
Now, what can happen is that you can be alone and make these decisions that you are making out of fear because of the unhealed
traumas and all of the negative events that have occurred in your life that you haven't processed yet, or even one big negative
(04:59):
event that has occurred in your life that you haven't processed and healed and moved forward from.
For example, I used to be very afraid of my stepfather because he would yell, he was kicking walls and throwing his drinking
glasses and smashing them in the house.
(05:22):
And there would always be new holes in the walls or a broken window.
And he has hit my mom at least three or four times and there have been near misses.
I mean, he threw a hammer at her head once.
It's just, wow, that's a lot to process.
And I don't know if my mom has actually healed from all that. She has moved on. She's very resilient.
(05:44):
Not always a good thing, but sometimes it is helpful.
I mean, you don't want to be resilient to bad behavior while it's happening, but to be resilient after the fact so that you
can move on with your life, that can be a good thing.
I do believe in trying to heal from this stuff, trying to process it, trying to release it, but sometimes you can't.
(06:05):
And so, and my mom does this too.
Sometimes she makes decisions out of fear.
She doesn't always make her decisions out of an empowered place, out of standing up for herself, knowing what's right for her.
Sometimes she will make them out of fear.
So I'm not saying every decision that one makes out of fear has to do with unhealed trauma or abuse or anything like that.
(06:28):
But I do know that making decisions from that place is very disempowered.
And when you're disempowered, I see that as something that has affected you from childhood or growing up and having experienced something abusive or traumatic.
And that's what you carry with you.
Because when you heal from that stuff, you're not thinking about it later, hoping it doesn't happen when you make the decision.
(06:55):
I mean, it might come up, but it doesn't necessarily affect you at the deeper emotional level that will force you to change your mind.
For example, you get into a relationship with someone who's really abusive, maybe physically abusive, and you finally get
out of that relationship and you say, I'll never go back to that again. That's an empowered decision right there.
(07:17):
I'll never go back to that again, even though there might be some fear in there, like I never want that to happen again. But it's empowered.
It's standing up and being comfortable in your own skin and committing to yourself, committing to the universe, committing
to God that you will never, ever be treated that way again.
You will never get into a relationship like that again, so that you can move forward and enjoy life without being abused.
(07:42):
And when you make that declaration to the universe, that means when you get into a relationship and it turns out that the
person is starting to be abusive, you won't tolerate it.
You'll either leave or you'll put your hand up and say, no more.
And if it continues, I'm done, which is you enforcing your boundaries, which I'm going to talk about next.
(08:02):
But those are empowered decisions not being made from fear, but being made so that you don't have to feel fear again.
That's how I differentiate between a disempowered decision and an empowered decision.
Now, when it comes to this person who asked the question, how do you understand what parts of you are who you are and what
(08:27):
parts of you are a result of the abuse? That's one way. How do you make decisions? Where do they come from?
Are they for you or you're doing it because you're afraid of somebody else's decisions?
If they're for you, here's the next question, right?
How do I know if it's for me?
How do I know if I'm making decisions that are beneficial to me and not just some old programming or old trauma, PTSD?
(08:55):
Here's how I see it, is that we need to know what our boundaries are. Some people don't know.
Some people do not know what's right for them and what's not right for them.
I define boundaries as what you will and won't accept in your life.
So let's just say you have no idea what part of you is you and what part of you is because of the abuse and the trauma.
(09:21):
Let's just say that you have no clue who you were before because this person started off very young being abused.
And if you were young or you started off young in an abusive relationship, you may not know what it was like before.
You may not have a reference to what a normal, healthy, even happy life looks like. You may have no reference.
(09:46):
So it can be hard to build something that you don't have a reference for.
If you've never heard of a brick and somebody said build a brick wall, you have no reference for it. You might figure something out.
You might know that a wall is made of certain things, but without the understanding of what a brick is, it can be difficult. So what do you do?
(10:09):
Paul, if I didn't know what a brick was, how would I know how to build a wall? Here's how I would do it. I would redefine brick.
I mean, the obvious answer is talk to somebody else, ask them what a brick is, but that's not going to work for the point I'm making. So bear with me.
But let's just say that you had no one to ask or nobody knew what a brick was. So now you're creating this wall. It could be a boundary wall.
(10:36):
We're going to create this wall out of these things called bricks.
We don't know what a brick is, so let's define one.
Well, let me make this dirt into a pile of dirt. Does that work? No. Let me add some water. Hey, it turned into mud. Does that work? Not really.
Hey, I found some red dirt over here. I put some water in there. Does that work? No.
(10:59):
So now we have a somewhat understanding of building a wall takes some certain ingredients.
And in order to figure out who you are and what part of you is, you know, the old trauma or the abuse and what part of you
is really you, you define what you will and won't accept in your life.
And it comes down to a matter of wants and needs too, but mostly wants.
(11:24):
What do I want in my life?
And most people will say, well, I know what I don't want.
I don't want somebody to hurt me anymore. Okay.
So you want somebody who treats you right.
Let's turn those don't wants into wants.
I want somebody who takes the time to emotionally connect with me. That's a want.
This is the first want in many wants of how you want your life to from this point forward, because if you don't know who you
(11:55):
are, where you've lost yourself in an abusive relationship of any sort, it's important to define what you want going forward.
I'm not saying the don't wants aren't important. They are. I don't want this. I don't want this.
I don't want this, but all of those will have an, I want attached to it.
And it's important to know the I wants.
(12:16):
If you don't know the I wants, sometimes you don't get what you want.
And that sounds obvious, but let me give you an example.
When I was younger, I didn't want to be in debt.
I didn't want to be broke because I had experienced enough of that.
I didn't want to be broke anymore.
And so I finally got out of debt, but I barely made ends meet.
(12:36):
I wasn't in debt, but I barely made ends meet.
And I realized my pursuit was always to just stay out of debt.
If I'm just trying to stay out of debt, I succeeded.
It's like I met my goal of staying out of debt by living paycheck to paycheck and hoping I made enough for the next week, but I wasn't in debt.
(13:01):
This is why the I wants are important.
I could have said, I want to make a thousand bucks a week.
And when I define that want, I have something to shoot for, something tangible.
And when I finally said that to myself, I realized I, you know, I'm, I'm doing my best to stay out of debt.
(13:22):
I want to go further than that.
I want to, I want something more for myself.
And I'm not saying that this is a magic pill.
And once you I want this, it's going to happen. I hope it does.
I hope, but I realized that I was always trying to move away from what I didn't want instead of move toward what I did want.
And when we're in that frame of mind, always moving away from what we don't want, we might end up with what we don't want.
(13:51):
That's why I believe it's important to make sure that you know what you want and you don't want.
And sometimes you don't know what you want and what you don't want, because again, you may have no reference to what's good
and what's bad and what makes you happy and what doesn't.
And I'm going to get to that in a moment, but everything that you want, everything that you want in your life is something you value.
(14:19):
And when we move toward what we value, we will know how it feels when we don't get it. And that's important.
If you value kindness and respect, you know how it feels when you don't get it.
If you've experienced disrespect and unkindness, you know how it feels.
(14:40):
So wanting it makes it a value in your life.
And when you the possibility for unhappiness in your life.
So moving toward values and getting as many of those values as you can fulfilled in your life, usually increases the possibility of fulfillment and happiness. So those are values. Now we talk about boundaries.
(15:10):
Boundaries are what you will and won't accept in your life.
And this is how you find who you are.
Because if you don't know who you are, you don't know what parts of you are real or how to get in touch with that person that
you lost, you know, the person that was you. Boundaries are the key. What does that look like?
(15:33):
Let's just say that you want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't smoke. No offense to the smokers. Some people do it. Some people don't. It's not my thing.
But let's just say that you want to be with a smoker and they light up on the first date or they start smoking while you're together and you don't like it.
In fact, you think it's so unhealthy that you don't want to breathe it in. You have a boundary.
(15:58):
The question is, will you enforce that? And how do you enforce it?
I think the best way to enforce a boundary in a romantic relationship is to say, it bothers me when you do that.
Or I can't breathe around you when you do that.
That's a very passive way to say it.
(16:18):
I mean, if it happened to my relationship, I'd say, what the hell, you started smoking?
I would just be straight up with it.
But we're not in a difficult situation.
It would be easier to have that kind of conversation. But that's my boundary.
I'm like, I don't want a smoker in my life.
I don't want a smoker in my house.
I don't want my clothes to smell like smoke.
I don't want to go outside on my front porch and smell smoke.
(16:42):
I'm not going to be able to handle that.
I'm not going to be able to live with it.
But if my wife said, well, this is what I like to do now.
And I'm sorry that you don't like it, but this is what I like to do. And I'm not going to stop.
Wow, that would be challenging because it's a big boundary of mine.
I would ask myself, is there a way that I could tolerate this?
(17:06):
Is my connection with her and my love for her and our relationship as a whole more important than smoke?
It would be very difficult, but this is a challenging example.
It's something that somebody does that really affects you.
That would be a big example of, wow, do I break up? Do I divorce? What should I do? I think a conversation is important.
(17:32):
Like me saying to my wife, I don't like when you smoke. I can smell it.
I can taste it when I kiss you. It's nasty to me.
And where that conversation went would be where the relationship goes. Who knows?
I don't ever want to have that conversation with her, but it is something that would bother me and I would need to express
(17:55):
myself because it's a boundary of mine.
And so I'll do my best to express my boundary and find out where it goes. But again, that's a harsh example. That is a life-changing thing.
But isn't emotional abuse a harsh example?
Isn't it kind of along the same lines of something that you don't want to accept in your life?
(18:18):
Hey, when you embarrass me in front of your friends, I don't like that. It hurts.
It makes me feel like you don't love me or respect me.
It makes me feel like you're not even proud of me.
You don't like having me on your arm when your friends are around. Why? What's going on? Why do you do that? That's another harsh example.
(18:39):
Another real example that many people go through.
So when you look at these two examples, you can ask yourself, is this what I want?
Is this what I want in my life? So we go back to values.
When you realize what you want and what you don't want in your life, you can now make them into boundaries.
(18:59):
Like, no, I will not accept this.
Now you are defining who you are to the world.
No, I will not allow somebody to do that in my house.
No, I will not allow somebody to say that to me.
That is how you start defining yourself and finding yourself, especially if you can't.
(19:23):
If you can't rediscover who you were before all the bad behavior started, before they started making you feel less than you
are, then it might be time to define yourself from the ground up, finding the ingredients for that brick wall that you're
trying to create, the brick wall of who you are.
(19:45):
You define yourself to the world because what ends up happening when you do this is you start showing up in the world the
way you want to, and you feel better in yourself, about yourself.
You feel better showing up to the world as you are, because you are defining yourself in the world, to the world, as you move forward.
(20:11):
So if you have a strict boundary that no one is allowed to disrespect you, and if they do, you're not going to have any part of it.
You're either going to walk away or say, hey, you're not allowed to disrespect me.
If you have that boundary in your life and someone disrespects you, you can either fall back and not enforce the boundary
(20:34):
and allow that little piece of you to get taken away, or you can move forward and strengthen that piece of you that created that boundary in the first place.
That's how you build or rebuild yourself.
You set these boundaries, you think about them, you think about what you value, and then you start laying these bricks and
(20:58):
you show the world what is acceptable to you and what is not, then the rebuilding happens all on its own.
When you can remember who you were and you feel good about who you were, you can start to connect with those parts of yourself again.
But when you can't, when it's been so long that you've just lost that person, you do have to rebuild.
(21:21):
And rebuilding is not always a bad thing. It's really not.
I know it's sad that that part of you is gone, but there was also that part of you that got taken for this awful ride.
And I'm not blaming you for being that person.
I'm saying that there was a part of you that maybe, just maybe, allowed yourself to be in a situation that continued for longer than it should have.
(21:48):
And that's not even the right word. It's not allowed. It's more like tolerated.
You tolerated something probably longer than you should have.
And again, that's not to blame you. That's not your fault. That's their fault.
It's their fault for making you think that they were going to improve.
(22:09):
It's their fault for convincing you that if you just wait a little longer, things will get better. That's just a coercion. That's a manipulation. And sometimes that happens.
Sometimes we are convinced by people who are doing hurtful behaviors, emotionally abusive behaviors, and then they'll say
things that make you think, okay, maybe they'll change.
(22:31):
They said this, and maybe they're going to change. So we give them more time.
And then they're very good at doing that.
We give them more time and more time and more time, and then we never see the change.
And that's why it's important to restore yourself, rebuild yourself, or build yourself anew.
And don't be afraid of building yourself anew because sometimes you discover things that you didn't know you liked.
(22:57):
Sometimes you discover parts of yourself that you didn't realize were there.
I didn't realize I liked that kind of music.
I didn't realize I liked doing this recreational activity.
I didn't realize I liked redheads or brunettes or blondes.
I didn't realize short or tall people would be a great partner or whatever.
I didn't realize I would like this kind of job. That's the great part about rebuilding.
(23:21):
I remember I actually had to do this, not out of an abusive relationship, but I was stuck on brunettes. I wanted brunettes in my life.
And so that's the only people I would choose. It's very shallow. It was.
But that was the kind of hair I wanted in a woman.
And I just had a certain type. I mean, sometimes we do that.
(23:43):
Sometimes we but I wouldn't let it go. I couldn't.
And then one day I decided to let it go. One day I decided, okay, fine.
You know, I'm not in a relationship. I can't find a relationship. Maybe I'm just being too close-minded.
Then suddenly I realized I do like blondes and I do like red hair and I do like other hairstyles and other body styles.
(24:05):
I just opened my mind to more and I found more happiness because I wasn't so stuck on what it's supposed to look like.
Because I believed what happiness is supposed to look like was an exact formula. And it's not always that.
It's not always the exact way you think it's going to be.
And so just stay a little open-minded if you're in that zone of thought.
(24:31):
I mean, when it comes to rebuilding your life, you don't know what you don't know until you start doing this.
And you really start enforcing your boundaries if you feel comfortable enough doing that around the people you're around.
Sometimes, you know, this is a pick your battles wisely kind of approach.
But you want to make sure that you start doing that within you, inside yourself.
(24:52):
Start understanding what you want, what you need, what's acceptable, what's not, so that you can build upon that foundation and move forward with that foundation. I do hope this helps you.
I want to thank that person who wrote. I appreciate you sharing that.
Stay strong and share this episode with somebody who might benefit.
(25:14):
Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The Mean Workbook, an assessment and healing guide for difficult relationships.
The workbook contains a 200-point assessment to tell you exactly what's causing you to leave so many interactions feeling bad.
Gain clarity on your relationship today by visiting loveandabuse.com.
And if you've discovered that you are doing hurtful behaviors to someone that you care about, and you want to change that
(25:37):
about yourself, sign up for the program that walks you through the entire process of healing from being emotionally abusive.
It has changed thousands of lives and relationships and can change yours too.
Visit healedbeing.com to start with some free lessons right away.
If you're looking for a safer way to listen to this show where all the titles to the are changed, go to the safe listening
(25:58):
button on the podcast page over at loveandabuse.com.
This show exists to remind you that you are not alone and you're not going crazy.
You are worthy of respect, kindness, and love, and you deserve to be loved. Be accepted exactly as you are. Stay strong. We'll talk again soon.
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