October 8, 2025 • 45 mins
Some people will deflect blame and make you feel like the problem. In this episode, I dive into this subject by examining a heart-wrenching story from a listener whose partner’s jealousy turned violent, leaving her questioning the future of their relationship and her path to healing.
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Episode Transcript
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Welcome to Love and Abuse, the show about navigating the difficult relationship.
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From simple disagreements to emotionally abusive behaviors, you deserve respect and kindness.
All the information on this show is meant for educational purposes only.
Always seek a professional for your mental health and well-being, and always pick your battles wisely. I'm your host, Paul Kolianyi.
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Thanks for joining me for an episode of Love and Abuse.
I got an email recently that just made me tear up, and I get a lot of really hard stories to digest, and this one was very
hard to digest because there was physical abuse involved.
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In fact, the person who wrote said that her partner broke her jaw.
I mean, it's just, it's so heart-wrenching to hear this.
They've had a long relationship, and she told me of their history together.
And though she didn't share too much, there has been issues.
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But then suddenly he's insecure and talking about her co-worker and how they look too buddy-buddy, and now he's calling her
a liar that she didn't know anybody too well at work.
And it was just ridiculous to read that this guy that she's with suddenly just turned on her and became this insecure, jealous, possessive person.
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And the very first thing that came to my mind, I mean, this is before I read the part where he broke her jaw, which still, it kills me.
The very first thing that came to my mind is people project what they do. People project who they are.
And so when you are being accused of somebody who's highly insecure and jealous and saying, you're doing these things, I know
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it, and you're a liar, and I don't believe you, don't believe them.
Because they're probably doing it, and this is, I always say this, they turn the spotlight onto you and keep you at the focus
of all the attention so that you can't look at them because that damn spotlight is so bright you can't even see them.
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They're standing behind it, pointing it right at you, and the problem is them.
But they want you to believe the problem is you.
How do you, or how does one avoid being the problem? They make other people the problem.
They make other people the responsible party, the one who's at fault.
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And so I'm reading through this email that I got, and that's what he's doing.
He's being highly aggressive, pointing the finger at her, saying, you're lying to me. You've been lying this whole time. You're a BITC, you know what?
And he's really making her get on the defense.
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And she's trying to explain, I'm not lying.
This is somebody I don't know well, and I don't know what you're talking about.
And it was an innocent exchange that he witnessed, but for some reason he latched onto it.
This is like, I see this a lot in people who are very insecure about something in themselves project onto others what they're insecure about.
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I'm going to give you one example, doesn't mean it's across the board, you know, this isn't a generalized example, but it is one example.
For example, somebody who really puts down gay people, like a heterosexual who puts down gay people because they have insecurities about being gay themselves.
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Just an example, because they are so insecure, because they are so either disgusted by the thought of it, or they don't want
to go against their religious beliefs or whatever.
And so they will say homophobic things, you know, the things that people that hate say, all because they don't want people
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to know what they think, what they feel. And again, that's just one example.
I'm not saying everyone's like that who is homophobic. I'm just saying, that's what happens. Projection.
They are projecting onto others what they themselves are feeling or experiencing or doing.
And so that helps take them out of the spotlight and put somebody else in the spotlight.
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So that other person feels the need or the necessity to explain themselves.
And so this person wrote to me saying, I'm explaining myself.
I'm telling him that I'm not lying.
This is not what he thinks it is.
And she's trying to convince him when he probably already knows, or even if he's so insecure, he can't believe her.
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You should not, I'm going to give you a should here.
You should not be with somebody you have to convince that you're not doing something or are doing something.
You should not have to be with someone, especially a romantic relationship that is supposed to have trust and honesty and
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transparency and mutual respect at the top of the values list.
You should not have to be with somebody, or you should not be in a relationship with somebody who is not honoring those values.
And what I mean is, let's just say that she is definitely not lying and he's just pointing the finger at her for no reason
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or for his insecurities or his dysfunctions or whatever.
If he really believes that, which according to her he does, why do you think he's staying in the relationship?
Why do you think he's sticking around?
If I believed that my wife was doing something with another guy or another girl or whoever, if I believed that and I was highly
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insecure about it, I was very jealous about it, if I believe it, why am I staying?
Why would I be in a relationship with somebody I quote, know is betraying me?
The reason someone stays in a relationship after they blame you so hard, and this is one of the reasons, one of the reasons
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they might stay is because they know it's not true.
And they just want to keep you busy defending yourself.
And as long as you're busy defending yourself, they aren't going to be blamed because you're so busy working on convincing them that you're innocent.
So if my wife was hanging out with somebody all the time and I had my suspicions, you know, we're going to have our conversation
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like, well, why are you going out on our date night with that guy? That would be a valid question.
And then maybe it would be a valid answer.
I haven't seen him in 20 years. High school friend. Oh, okay.
Then that makes sense because we have mutual trust and mutual respect and we're honest with each other every other time.
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So I would have nothing to suspect and I would let it go. No big deal.
But if it was continuing or if I had my suspicions after I saw them hug and then he gave her a kiss on the cheek and maybe
I felt a little weird about that, I probably wouldn't feel weird about that, but maybe something might come up for me. I would have another conversation.
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What I wouldn't do is what this person is telling me that her partner did, which is take her aside and say, you are lying to me.
That immediate jump into turbo, like turbo accusations where he's just going for the throat instead of easing into a conversation,
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he's going for the throat and then automatically doesn't believe what she's saying.
Tells me that there's probably deception and manipulation going on. I mean, think about it.
If somebody jumps at your throat, immediately accusing you of something with very little evidence except their own fears or
insecurities or whatever, their projections, something else is happening there.
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This is like the story I told once.
I don't know if I told it on this show, but I was at a game store, a software store actually, and this man brought a piece
of software up to the counter and the cashier said, that's not the right price.
In fact, it was like $100 less than what it should have been.
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If it was $129 utility software or work application, when we used to buy software at a store, if it was $129, it was marked
at $19 or $29 or something else.
The cashier said, this price tag isn't right.
Instead of having a conversation, the guy immediately went verbally and emotionally to the throat.
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He said, that's what's on the box.
You need to charge me that price.
If you don't charge me, that's false advertising.
He was yelling at the top of his lungs in this little store in the mall.
You could hear it in the mall itself.
I was standing there and I was thinking, what the hell is going on?
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He was yelling, you have to honor that price. The cashier would not back down.
It might have been the manager, I don't know, but he would not back down.
He said, I'm sorry, I can't sell it to you for that.
We don't even buy it for that low. It's marked wrong.
My thought, and I'm sure the manager's thought, is that that guy just switched price tags.
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He found another price tag on another piece of software and just stuck it on there. The guy continued yelling.
He was rude, he was loud, and he made it known that the guy behind the counter, the cashier, the manager, whoever it was, was at fault. It's the cashier's fault. It's the manager's fault. It's the store's fault. It's not my fault.
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He didn't say that, but this is what he was doing.
He was verbally accusing and being very aggressive and loud and pointing his finger.
Even back then, before I knew what I know now about abusive behavior, I'm thinking, this doesn't sound right at all. This doesn't look right. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't sound right.
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Normal people would have a normal conversation.
Normal people would say, oh, man, that's the price.
I should be able to pay that price. Oh, that sucks.
They would just say, well, can't I get it for cheaper?
This is what you have it listed as.
That might be what a normal person said.
Or maybe they'll say, oh, well, how much is it?
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How much is it supposed to be?
These are normal, mentally stable questions that you would or any normal person would ask. And that guy wasn't doing that.
He was going right for the throat.
And I looked at this in hindsight with 20-20 vision, and I can clearly see what was happening.
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It wasn't projection necessarily that I was talking about earlier, but it was causing people to look at the other person and causing the other.
He was trying to cause the other person to feel or become defensive.
And he also knew that by yelling and screaming and being a jerk, that most people probably will cave because they don't want
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to be yelled at, and they just want to get rid of the guy.
And I can guarantee you this guy has done that before, and that's the result he got.
I just want to get rid of this guy. Just give him the discount. Just get him out of here.
Because he's bothering the store, and he's clearly a disturbance that we don't need in here. So let's get rid of him.
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But this, man, I wish I knew this cashier.
I could call him up and say, hey, you remember that time when this guy, I would call that guy up, the cashier, and say, good job, man. Good job.
Because you didn't fall for his manipulation. That's what was happening.
I 100% believe that's what was happening.
And that employee did not fall for that manipulation.
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And the guy ended up storming out without the software, probably yelling expletives. I don't remember that part. But he was angry. But it wasn't really angry.
Now this, what I saw, and again, this is hindsight.
What I'm seeing in my memory is not him being angry, but upset that his acting wasn't believable.
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Or upset that his acting didn't get him what he wanted.
This is what happens with some people.
They act to get what they want.
And when you cave, or anyone that's facing somebody like this caves and gives them what they want, it validates their behavior.
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It tells them, this is how I get what I want.
And because it worked this time, I know it will work the next time.
So when somebody's doing something like that to you, and blaming you, and deflecting, and trying to make sure that you feel
you're to blame, and you are responsible for what's going on and what's wrong, and they will not give you an opportunity to
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give them facts, or they don't consider the facts. They don't consider the obvious.
They just want you to, I just said this in my other episode of The Overwhelmed Brain, they want you to look in the mirror.
They want to put the mirror in your face saying, you're the problem.
As they stand behind the mirror, and you can't see through the mirror, all you see is yourself.
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And if all you see is yourself, you are more likely to think, maybe I am the problem. You're not the problem.
When somebody doesn't have a reasonable, normal conversation with you, asking reasonable, normal questions, and not flying
off the handle for whatever reason, and they just want to have a real conversation to get to the bottom of whatever they feel, or suspect, or whatever.
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If they're not approaching you with some reasonableness, with some sense of emotional regulation, then in my opinion, you better have done something heinous. You better have killed their puppy.
And I mean that as a hyperbole, of course. That's an exaggeration.
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Because it's a lot different than suspecting something. Like this person who wrote.
She said her partner said that he thought she was lying.
So there's a suspicion that he thought she was lying.
Or she said that he believed that she was lying. Or whatever. Why wouldn't that be a conversation?
Why wouldn't that be something that you could bring up and have a conversation about, instead of going for the throat?
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Instead of saying, you killed my puppy, and this is why I'm angry.
Again, hyperbole, it's just an exaggeration, and it's a terrible way to explain it.
But if somebody killed your puppy, you would have a right to be that reactive and that aggressive. And that's my point.
Because abusive behavior is often something so over the top or beyond what it should be that it's hard to spot sometimes because it can be subtle.
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But when it's aggressive and overt like this, then you have to start questioning, what else is going on here?
Are they trying to keep my attention off of them and trying to keep me from explaining myself and convincing them that I'm
not a problem, that I'm not lying, that I'm being honest with them?
Do I have to do this with somebody who loves me?
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Should I have to do this with somebody who loves me?
Isn't there an established trust and a mutual respect for each other?
Those are valid questions that you should ask yourself when you're being treated like this.
And so I don't want to get too lost in the weeds here, but this person actually said that he has done this before when they were younger.
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He used to cheat and verbally abuse and sometimes physically abuse, mostly pushing.
So she has tolerated a lot, at least in the beginning.
I don't know if it happened in between when they were together, but they were very young.
They were teenagers, I think, when they were going out at first and into their 20s.
And so when we're that young, we're not going to have the best executive function of our brain.
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We're going to still be developing our prefrontal cortex and we're going to be relying on our limbic system, our amygdala.
And all that means is we are more emotional at that time. We're not reasonable and rational.
Most of us are not reasonable and rational before the age of 25.
And so we make these decisions and our brain accepts them as logical and healthy and helpful and right decisions when they're not.
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Because we're not rational yet until we get to that age.
And there are other factors here, and I don't claim to be a brain expert, but this is sort of what I've pieced together. We're just not old enough.
I mean, we know that the prefrontal cortex doesn't develop until about age 25, so that I can prove.
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But we're not exactly in the right head space to even make big decisions in a relationship like choosing to stay with an abuser.
When you're 18 and you're choosing to stay with somebody who's verbally or physically abusing you, it's not because you're
making rational decisions, it's because you are in that limbic system of emotional decisions.
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And there's a bigger chance of trauma bonding forming at that time.
And when you're trauma bonded, your brain believes that this is how you get love and this is how you feel worth and this is
how you feel important to somebody, how you feel worthy to someone, how you feel like love is supposed to be because you're
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not connecting all the dots because you can't. It's like animal instinct.
And so you feel like, okay, this is how it's supposed to be, so I'll stick around.
And then after the age of 25, if you grew up, and this is just theoretical on my part, again, I'm not a brain expert, but
after your prefrontal cortex matures and gets to that point where it is finally working for us instead of not working enough,
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we can carry the beliefs of our younger years into our older years.
So things start associating in our brain that makes sense that aren't really sensible unless we, you know, heal that part
of us and think differently about that.
But that's, um, that's what therapy is for and that's what shows like this are for just to get us on track because sometimes we lose track.
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Sometimes we don't understand what the track is, where it is, and what normal looks like.
That's a lot of people who write to me don't know what normal looks like.
Normal is not what I'm reading to you today. It's not somebody hurting you.
Normal is somebody who accepts you as you are, and if they can't accept you as you are, they either work it out in themselves,
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but they shouldn't try to change you.
They have to work it out in themselves, adapt to who you are or leave, not try to change you.
When they try to change you, that's when it becomes abusive.
And I'm not saying everything that somebody does to try to change you is abusive.
I'm saying that's when it can become abusive because when somebody wants what they want and they want you to change and they
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learned early on that in order to get what you want, you have to manipulate, you have to control, then that's when you become the victim of abusive behavior.
Again, typically there are many different cases here, but that's where I see abuse starting is that somebody wants you to
be a certain way or do a certain thing.
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And if they can't get it, instead of accepting that you aren't that way or won't do that thing, then they choose to control
you or manipulate you or influence you in some way to do or be that certain thing.
And if you don't do it and they can't accept that, they can leave or adapt or abuse.
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And it's sort of black and white when I say it that way, but I think you understand what I'm saying.
Now coming back to this person, because she actually does have a question.
First of all, again, I am so sorry.
This is, nobody should ever have to go through this.
I teared up reading it and it just, it makes me realize how important it is to talk about this stuff, to make sure that you
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and the person who wrote and anyone that needs to hear this doesn't either get into situations like this or knows how to get
out of them or knows how to start thinking about them differently. And I don't always promote separation. I don't promote divorce. I don't promote anything like that.
I want you to come to that conclusion on your own because when you're ready, you're ready.
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And when you're not, you don't need anyone telling you, you got to leave that guy now.
Now I will say, in this case, I'm going to be a little bit more blunt because when it comes to physical abuse, always expect more. Physical abuse precipitates more physical abuse. Especially if there's been no accountability.
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When there's no accountability, they got away with it.
And if they get away with it, they know they can do it again.
They know it couldn't have been that bad because, I didn't end up in jail and you took me back.
In some cases, some people will take their physical abuser back.
In this case, this person actually didn't want him back and he actually left.
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He left crying because he felt bad for what he did.
I mean, he actually broke her jaw.
She was bleeding and she couldn't even hear for a few seconds or however long it was after he punched her.
And then he came to the realization, Oh crap, what did I do from my interpretation of her message?
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And then left and said, I'm never coming back because I never, you know, this is my assumption.
I never want to hurt you again.
But if there's no healing in him, if he doesn't go out and get therapy, if he doesn't work on this stuff, then he won't change.
So later on, I don't know how long it was, but he came back and said, I have no place to live, so I'm going to live here.
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So now she's in the very same situation.
The relationship is back, maybe not as a couple, but now she's in the danger zone again.
She's in that dangerous space where the person who hurt her is in the next room. He's right there.
And from her message, it sounds like it is over, but she just is waiting for him to leave.
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And so her question to me, you know, this actually leads to a question.
Her question is, can I even begin to heal with him here?
Or do I have to wait until he's gone? Everything hurts.
And after all he's done, a part of me still doesn't want him to leave.
I don't know how to move forward.
So somebody might hear this and say, you don't want him to leave. What's your problem? I get it. I know why people say that. You know why people say that.
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Because they don't want to see you hurt.
They don't want to see somebody who's already been hurt, hurt again, or maybe worse.
Because now we know what he's capable of, or maybe you've known that for a long time.
But it's crystal clear what he's capable of.
And in this case, you are clearly in a trauma bond.
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And if you don't know what that means, I have episodes on trauma bonds.
I also encourage you to read about it.
Because trauma bonds trick the brain into thinking this is what love looks like.
Trauma bonds are the emotional system in your body saying in order to feel love, in order to feel worth, I must accept that
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abuse is necessary in order to receive love, in order to feel worthy.
And that person, the person who hurt me, is the only one that can give it to me.
Or I believe that there's nobody else that can show me the kind of love that they gave to me. Therefore, I'll accept the pain.
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I'll accept the suffering just to keep them in my life so I can have those good feelings too.
It's like telling yourself, it's okay if my jaw is broken as long as I'm getting this kind of love. I'm being harsh on this person.
I'm not trying to victim shame or blame. That is not my intent.
I'm giving you a generalization of trauma bonding.
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What this person is telling me is that there's a part of me that doesn't want him to leave.
That doesn't mean she doesn't want him to leave. I get that. It just means it's honest.
Of course, you have been invested in this relationship.
You have put yourself, your heart into this relationship for so long.
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It's been a part of your identity.
To lose a part of your identity is painful.
It hurts because that's who you are. That's how you've defined yourself.
It's not really who you are, but it has been who you are for the entire relationship.
There's you, there's me, and then there's us.
The three parts that make up a relationship in my view. You, me, and us.
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When there's just you and you're single, your heart is all you. Your mind is all you. You're unified as yourself.
Then when there's you and someone else, there's us.
As soon as someone else comes into the picture, that makes three parts of you.
You've got yourself in there, you've got them in there, and then you've got the whole us. That becomes part of your identity. It's the wholeness of you.
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The unification of all three parts or components that make up the relationship.
Losing one of those components is like saying, I'm ready to give up a part of myself.
If you get to the point where you're ready to give up a part of yourself, it's a massive step, a scary step, because what's beyond that? What's beyond that is some void.
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It's some emptiness inside of you, even with somebody abusive.
That emptiness is scary for some people.
It might mean loneliness for some people.
There might be a fear of abandonment, of rejection, of loneliness, all of that, some dysfunctions that we carry around.
Those fears keep us with people that might hurt us.
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The fear of not feeling worthy or a fear of not being loved.
These are true fears a lot of people experience.
This person might be experiencing that or not.
When she says, there's a part of me that still doesn't want him to leave, that's the part of her that wants to feel good.
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That's the part of her that wants to feel worthy, that wants to feel loved.
In my perspective, and I told you I was going to be a little blunt here, my perspective is somebody like that shouldn't be what completes you.
Somebody who hurts you shouldn't be part of your identity.
Somebody who treats you like that, somebody who makes you fear and makes you bleed should not be a part of you.
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That doesn't mean the trauma bond goes away, it doesn't mean you suddenly feel better inside, it might make you feel worse.
But it's important to understand at least that concept if you don't.
Because honestly, I'd rather get a message that says, I'm lonely, I'm sad, I wish I was in a relationship.
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I'd rather get that message than, I'm in a relationship with somebody who hurts me.
And I feel bad for both, believe me.
But I would rather get the first message.
Because that tells me that you're safe from somebody else's abusive behaviors.
I don't want you to be lonely, I don't want you to feel bad at all.
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But when you're in a situation like this, you definitely have to prioritize yourself.
And so let me get to this person's question.
Can I begin to heal with him here or do I have to wait until he's gone?
I'm going to give you my blunt personal perspective and my professional perspective here.
My blunt personal perspective is get a restraining order because he has physically assaulted you. Because this will happen again. This is my blunt personal opinion.
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It's a perspective, it's not necessarily a truth, but it could be.
And because there's a high chance of that happening, it's important that you protect yourself.
If you get the restraining order, it could lead to him leaving the home.
Now, because I say that's personal, I can't tell you to do that.
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And the reason I can't tell you to do that is because there are dangers involved.
If you got a restraining order, he finds out, he could hurt you again or worse. So personally, I'm your best friend.
We're in a coffee shop and I'm talking to you and you tell me this story. And I say, what? He did this to you?
The first thing I'm going to think about is actually going over there and taking care of it myself.
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But this is how I might guide you if we were sitting together in a coffee shop. So that's my personal perspective.
I cannot possibly tell you to do that, professionally speaking, because it would be irresponsible of me.
So personally, I want you to do that. I want you to protect yourself.
I want you to kick him out or move out or whatever just to get away from him because I fear for your safety.
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But personally, I can't tell you to do that.
That's just an opinion that's flying off the tip of my tongue because I care about you.
Professionally speaking, I would highly recommend you call a domestic violence hotline and tell them what happened.
Tell them the situation you're in and ask them the best course of action because you're going to need some guidance here. He may be docile now.
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He may be in a place that seems okay and you think you know him well, but suddenly he punched you in the face. There's something going on in there.
And because it doesn't sound like there's been accountability for this, it doesn't sound like the police showed up or anything,
then you have to be aware that this could definitely happen again.
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So from my professional perspective, call the domestic violence hotline. In fact, what is that? I just searched for it. It says Get Support 1-800-799-7233.
And when you look for it online, it'll probably have a chat option too.
So I highly recommend that only because you may need someone to have some rational conversation with.
(32:51):
Somebody outside of you, somebody with an objective opinion, an objective observation I should say, of your situation who
has been trained to help people in your position.
So it doesn't, to me, it doesn't sound like you see this as so serious that you're packing your bags right now and finding
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a hotel because you said you're still in the same house with him.
But because they have dealt with people like this, it's important to get a hold of somebody that will know more because they
have worked with people in your place, in your position.
They've worked with thousands of people in your position and they know what to expect.
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So I highly recommend you do that.
And to answer your question, which you asked directly to me, can I even begin to heal with him here or do I have to wait until he's gone?
After you talk to the domestic violence hotline, what I would recommend is that you start healing now.
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You start healing by telling yourself, I am worth more than this. I don't deserve to be hurt. I don't deserve to be disrespected. And I don't deserve to suffer.
That's how you start healing is to tell yourself that you don't deserve to suffer.
You don't deserve to be treated this way.
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You don't deserve to bleed for anyone else. You don't deserve it.
And if you don't believe that, or at least a part of you doesn't believe that, that's what needs healing.
That's what you need to start healing.
You need to come to a point in yourself where you know for a fact that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness
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and no one is allowed to hurt you.
And when you get to that point, that's when you start healing.
I'm not saying that this heals everything and you're good and you're done.
I'm saying this is what you need to start to do.
So, can you begin to heal with him there? You have to.
If he's not leaving, if you're not leaving, if you're not getting a restraining order, if you're in that situation, if you're
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in that proximity, then you have to start believing this about yourself.
And when you start believing this, that's when you start healing.
Your specific question, do I have to wait until he's gone?
Well, here's the next part of this.
You won't be able to fully heal while you're still together.
(35:26):
There's too much trauma, there's too much chance of it happening again.
When somebody like that is in your proximity, they are in your mind constantly.
I better not speak too loud, I better not turn the TV off, I better not talk on the phone in the room, or I better not talk
on the phone out of the room because he might say this, he might do that.
(35:50):
This is the constant patterns of thought that go through an abuse victim's mind.
The abuser is in their mind all the time.
And when the abuser is still in the relationship, especially after such a traumatic and violent event, then you're walking
(36:11):
around with even more on your mind.
Is there a chance that he's going to hurt me worse?
Is there a chance he's going to kill me? These are valid questions.
And so, I want you to start healing now so that when you need to make a decision, when you need to take care of yourself,
that it has a foundation of knowing you are worthy and knowing you don't deserve this kind of treatment.
(36:39):
You have to get to that point in yourself.
And even if you're not at that point, I want you to treat yourself as if you were.
So when somebody tries to hurt you, verbally or physically, instead of going to that place in your mind that has any inkling
of, I deserve this, I want you to go to that place in your mind that says, I love myself too much for you to treat me this way.
(37:05):
That doesn't mean you tell the person.
It just means you tell yourself so that you make the right decisions that you need to make for yourself.
And this is a tricky subject because it's a violent relationship, because there is physical abuse.
It's tricky to tell you exactly what to do because I tell you one thing and that could lead to danger.
(37:27):
I tell you another thing, that could lead to danger.
I tell you to leave, he could follow you and that could lead to danger.
So I can't tell you from a professional point exactly what to do.
But I can say, if you're going to start doing anything after you call the Domestic Violence Hotline or do your research, if
(37:48):
you're going to do anything to start healing, the first thing you need to do is make sure that you believe 100% that you don't deserve any of this treatment.
Because you are worthy, you are important, you are lovable.
And just because someone didn't know how to show you that and in fact treated you the opposite, that doesn't define who you are and what you deserve. It defines who they are. And that guy needs help. He needs help.
(38:16):
And you need to feel safe in your own home.
And you need to know that you are 100% worthy of respect and kindness.
And you need to love yourself so much that no one can ever break that bond that you have with yourself.
It's sort of like, I'm going to use another terrible analogy here, a child who's standing on the sidewalk and a van pulls
(38:45):
up and somebody says, hey, come on in, I've got something to show you.
Almost every adult I know who sees this unfold is going to walk or run over to the child and ask what's going on.
If they see something suspicious like that, they're going to protect the child. This is how you protect yourself.
(39:05):
You see yourself as that helpless child who's about to get into a van that leads to absolute danger and you tell yourself, wow, I can't let that happen.
I won't let that happen, so I'm going to run over there and protect that child.
Once you start seeing yourself that way as that helpless child, not that you're helpless, I'm just saying, this is the kind of energy you put toward it.
(39:29):
This is what you do for yourself.
I love myself so much that I won't allow anyone to do that to me.
I love myself so much that I won't allow anyone to treat me like that, so this is what I'm going to do to protect myself.
And again, I can't tell you how to protect yourself if you're that close to somebody who is very dangerous, you already know
(39:50):
he's dangerous, then I want you to accept that's who he is and you need to protect yourself.
And I want you to love yourself so much that you know you don't deserve that.
And if anybody does anything like that to you ever again or treats you in any way that isn't loving and supportive and respectful,
that you will tell yourself, I love myself too much to be treated like this.
(40:14):
So to the person who wrote, I'm so sorry that you experienced this and I just want you to remember that life is like a book
of chapters and once one chapter is finished, we move on to the next one.
I'll never forget, I heard this on a radio station once, that this is a chapter of life that once we turn the page, we're going into a new chapter.
(40:37):
And so these chapters of our life, they are playing out like a novel, like a story.
And what we went through is part of our journey, part of our hero's journey.
And the hero's journey is supposed to end on a happy note. So this is just a chapter.
Then we can turn the page and start a new chapter of our life.
(40:58):
You may not be there quite yet, but it sounds to me that that part of your life, that chapter of your life is coming to a close.
And you can take the lessons, you can learn from those lessons, you can start your healing process and you can start moving
forward and remembering who you are and what you deserve so that if there's any red flags in the future, you can definitely
(41:22):
see them right away and get yourself into a better place.
And to anyone else listening, she told me a lot in the message that he's definitely playing the victim. He didn't at first.
She said he cried and left and he felt sorry and he said he was never coming back and he implied that he didn't want to hurt her ever again.
(41:43):
Yet he's back and now he's playing the victim and there's a lot more involved there.
But remember what I said, we talked about how some people will point the finger at you, put the spotlight on you, face the
mirror toward you and keep you focused on yourself so that you explain what's happening to them even though that's their goal.
(42:06):
Their goal is to keep you explaining, keep you defending, keep you trying to convince them of something they already know
but don't seem to care enough to stop their behaviors.
And when you have somebody like that who is always putting you in the spotlight and never taking responsibility and never
being accountable for what they do, you end up with somebody who pretty much feels unstoppable and we don't want them to get to that point.
(42:35):
Somebody who experiences accountability, like the first time they do something abusive and the person who experienced that
behavior says, uh-uh, no thanks and they leave or they call the police because it was pretty bad, then that person will now
experience accountability and that can push someone to change.
(42:59):
It doesn't mean you have to continue a relationship with them but it can be the thing that pushes them to the point of change or not. They may not change.
They may feel wronged by the person they hurt which is, it's sad.
I mean, they're dealing with a lot of stuff there and I talk about why people become abusive in other episodes.
(43:20):
That's a whole nother topic but in this case, I want to thank this person for sharing this and I am sending you all the positive vibes I can. Please stay safe.
Please know that you are valuable and worthy and you do not deserve this and keep your support system close.
Keep your support system on speed dial, just in case. I wish you the best.
(43:47):
Stay strong through all of this and take care of yourself.
Thanks for listening and share this with others who might benefit.
Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The Mean Workbook, an assessment and healing guide for difficult relationships.
The workbook contains a 200-point assessment to tell you what's causing you to leave so many interactions feeling bad. Gain clarity on your relationship today. Visit loveandabuse.com for more information.
(44:12):
And if you've discovered that you are doing the hurtful behaviors to someone that you care about, listen up.
I want you to change that about yourself.
I want you to sign up for the only program that walks you through the entire process of healing from being emotionally abusive.
It has changed thousands of lives and relationships and can change yours too.
Visit healedbeing.com to start with some free lessons right away.
(44:35):
And if you're looking for a safer way to listen to this show where all the titles to the episodes are changed, click on the
safe listening button over at the podcast page over at loveandabuse.com.
This show exists to remind you that you're not alone and you're not going crazy.
You are worthy of respect, kindness, and love.
And you deserve to be accepted exactly as you are.
(45:00):
Again, stay strong, and we'll talk again soon.
Welcome to Love and Abuse, the show about navigating the difficult relationship.
(00:05):
From simple disagreements to emotionally abusive behaviors, you deserve respect and kindness.
All the information on this show is meant for educational purposes only.
Always seek a professional for your mental health and well-being, and always pick your battles wisely. I'm your host, Paul Kolianyi.
(00:26):
Thanks for joining me for an episode of Love and Abuse.
I got an email recently that just made me tear up, and I get a lot of really hard stories to digest, and this one was very
hard to digest because there was physical abuse involved.
(00:48):
In fact, the person who wrote said that her partner broke her jaw.
I mean, it's just, it's so heart-wrenching to hear this.
They've had a long relationship, and she told me of their history together.
And though she didn't share too much, there has been issues.
(01:11):
But then suddenly he's insecure and talking about her co-worker and how they look too buddy-buddy, and now he's calling her
a liar that she didn't know anybody too well at work.
And it was just ridiculous to read that this guy that she's with suddenly just turned on her and became this insecure, jealous, possessive person.
(01:35):
And the very first thing that came to my mind, I mean, this is before I read the part where he broke her jaw, which still, it kills me.
The very first thing that came to my mind is people project what they do. People project who they are.
And so when you are being accused of somebody who's highly insecure and jealous and saying, you're doing these things, I know
(02:01):
it, and you're a liar, and I don't believe you, don't believe them.
Because they're probably doing it, and this is, I always say this, they turn the spotlight onto you and keep you at the focus
of all the attention so that you can't look at them because that damn spotlight is so bright you can't even see them.
(02:25):
They're standing behind it, pointing it right at you, and the problem is them.
But they want you to believe the problem is you.
How do you, or how does one avoid being the problem? They make other people the problem.
They make other people the responsible party, the one who's at fault.
(02:49):
And so I'm reading through this email that I got, and that's what he's doing.
He's being highly aggressive, pointing the finger at her, saying, you're lying to me. You've been lying this whole time. You're a BITC, you know what?
And he's really making her get on the defense.
(03:10):
And she's trying to explain, I'm not lying.
This is somebody I don't know well, and I don't know what you're talking about.
And it was an innocent exchange that he witnessed, but for some reason he latched onto it.
This is like, I see this a lot in people who are very insecure about something in themselves project onto others what they're insecure about.
(03:33):
I'm going to give you one example, doesn't mean it's across the board, you know, this isn't a generalized example, but it is one example.
For example, somebody who really puts down gay people, like a heterosexual who puts down gay people because they have insecurities about being gay themselves.
(03:56):
Just an example, because they are so insecure, because they are so either disgusted by the thought of it, or they don't want
to go against their religious beliefs or whatever.
And so they will say homophobic things, you know, the things that people that hate say, all because they don't want people
(04:18):
to know what they think, what they feel. And again, that's just one example.
I'm not saying everyone's like that who is homophobic. I'm just saying, that's what happens. Projection.
They are projecting onto others what they themselves are feeling or experiencing or doing.
And so that helps take them out of the spotlight and put somebody else in the spotlight.
(04:40):
So that other person feels the need or the necessity to explain themselves.
And so this person wrote to me saying, I'm explaining myself.
I'm telling him that I'm not lying.
This is not what he thinks it is.
And she's trying to convince him when he probably already knows, or even if he's so insecure, he can't believe her.
(05:07):
You should not, I'm going to give you a should here.
You should not be with somebody you have to convince that you're not doing something or are doing something.
You should not have to be with someone, especially a romantic relationship that is supposed to have trust and honesty and
(05:28):
transparency and mutual respect at the top of the values list.
You should not have to be with somebody, or you should not be in a relationship with somebody who is not honoring those values.
And what I mean is, let's just say that she is definitely not lying and he's just pointing the finger at her for no reason
(05:50):
or for his insecurities or his dysfunctions or whatever.
If he really believes that, which according to her he does, why do you think he's staying in the relationship?
Why do you think he's sticking around?
If I believed that my wife was doing something with another guy or another girl or whoever, if I believed that and I was highly
(06:17):
insecure about it, I was very jealous about it, if I believe it, why am I staying?
Why would I be in a relationship with somebody I quote, know is betraying me?
The reason someone stays in a relationship after they blame you so hard, and this is one of the reasons, one of the reasons
(06:39):
they might stay is because they know it's not true.
And they just want to keep you busy defending yourself.
And as long as you're busy defending yourself, they aren't going to be blamed because you're so busy working on convincing them that you're innocent.
So if my wife was hanging out with somebody all the time and I had my suspicions, you know, we're going to have our conversation
(07:04):
like, well, why are you going out on our date night with that guy? That would be a valid question.
And then maybe it would be a valid answer.
I haven't seen him in 20 years. High school friend. Oh, okay.
Then that makes sense because we have mutual trust and mutual respect and we're honest with each other every other time.
(07:25):
So I would have nothing to suspect and I would let it go. No big deal.
But if it was continuing or if I had my suspicions after I saw them hug and then he gave her a kiss on the cheek and maybe
I felt a little weird about that, I probably wouldn't feel weird about that, but maybe something might come up for me. I would have another conversation.
(07:49):
What I wouldn't do is what this person is telling me that her partner did, which is take her aside and say, you are lying to me.
That immediate jump into turbo, like turbo accusations where he's just going for the throat instead of easing into a conversation,
(08:12):
he's going for the throat and then automatically doesn't believe what she's saying.
Tells me that there's probably deception and manipulation going on. I mean, think about it.
If somebody jumps at your throat, immediately accusing you of something with very little evidence except their own fears or
insecurities or whatever, their projections, something else is happening there.
(08:39):
This is like the story I told once.
I don't know if I told it on this show, but I was at a game store, a software store actually, and this man brought a piece
of software up to the counter and the cashier said, that's not the right price.
In fact, it was like $100 less than what it should have been.
(09:00):
If it was $129 utility software or work application, when we used to buy software at a store, if it was $129, it was marked
at $19 or $29 or something else.
The cashier said, this price tag isn't right.
Instead of having a conversation, the guy immediately went verbally and emotionally to the throat.
(09:26):
He said, that's what's on the box.
You need to charge me that price.
If you don't charge me, that's false advertising.
He was yelling at the top of his lungs in this little store in the mall.
You could hear it in the mall itself.
I was standing there and I was thinking, what the hell is going on?
(09:47):
He was yelling, you have to honor that price. The cashier would not back down.
It might have been the manager, I don't know, but he would not back down.
He said, I'm sorry, I can't sell it to you for that.
We don't even buy it for that low. It's marked wrong.
My thought, and I'm sure the manager's thought, is that that guy just switched price tags.
(10:10):
He found another price tag on another piece of software and just stuck it on there. The guy continued yelling.
He was rude, he was loud, and he made it known that the guy behind the counter, the cashier, the manager, whoever it was, was at fault. It's the cashier's fault. It's the manager's fault. It's the store's fault. It's not my fault.
(10:35):
He didn't say that, but this is what he was doing.
He was verbally accusing and being very aggressive and loud and pointing his finger.
Even back then, before I knew what I know now about abusive behavior, I'm thinking, this doesn't sound right at all. This doesn't look right. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't sound right.
(10:57):
Normal people would have a normal conversation.
Normal people would say, oh, man, that's the price.
I should be able to pay that price. Oh, that sucks.
They would just say, well, can't I get it for cheaper?
This is what you have it listed as.
That might be what a normal person said.
Or maybe they'll say, oh, well, how much is it?
(11:21):
How much is it supposed to be?
These are normal, mentally stable questions that you would or any normal person would ask. And that guy wasn't doing that.
He was going right for the throat.
And I looked at this in hindsight with 20-20 vision, and I can clearly see what was happening.
(11:42):
It wasn't projection necessarily that I was talking about earlier, but it was causing people to look at the other person and causing the other.
He was trying to cause the other person to feel or become defensive.
And he also knew that by yelling and screaming and being a jerk, that most people probably will cave because they don't want
(12:09):
to be yelled at, and they just want to get rid of the guy.
And I can guarantee you this guy has done that before, and that's the result he got.
I just want to get rid of this guy. Just give him the discount. Just get him out of here.
Because he's bothering the store, and he's clearly a disturbance that we don't need in here. So let's get rid of him.
(12:32):
But this, man, I wish I knew this cashier.
I could call him up and say, hey, you remember that time when this guy, I would call that guy up, the cashier, and say, good job, man. Good job.
Because you didn't fall for his manipulation. That's what was happening.
I 100% believe that's what was happening.
And that employee did not fall for that manipulation.
(12:56):
And the guy ended up storming out without the software, probably yelling expletives. I don't remember that part. But he was angry. But it wasn't really angry.
Now this, what I saw, and again, this is hindsight.
What I'm seeing in my memory is not him being angry, but upset that his acting wasn't believable.
(13:24):
Or upset that his acting didn't get him what he wanted.
This is what happens with some people.
They act to get what they want.
And when you cave, or anyone that's facing somebody like this caves and gives them what they want, it validates their behavior.
(13:45):
It tells them, this is how I get what I want.
And because it worked this time, I know it will work the next time.
So when somebody's doing something like that to you, and blaming you, and deflecting, and trying to make sure that you feel
you're to blame, and you are responsible for what's going on and what's wrong, and they will not give you an opportunity to
(14:10):
give them facts, or they don't consider the facts. They don't consider the obvious.
They just want you to, I just said this in my other episode of The Overwhelmed Brain, they want you to look in the mirror.
They want to put the mirror in your face saying, you're the problem.
As they stand behind the mirror, and you can't see through the mirror, all you see is yourself.
(14:34):
And if all you see is yourself, you are more likely to think, maybe I am the problem. You're not the problem.
When somebody doesn't have a reasonable, normal conversation with you, asking reasonable, normal questions, and not flying
off the handle for whatever reason, and they just want to have a real conversation to get to the bottom of whatever they feel, or suspect, or whatever.
(15:00):
If they're not approaching you with some reasonableness, with some sense of emotional regulation, then in my opinion, you better have done something heinous. You better have killed their puppy.
And I mean that as a hyperbole, of course. That's an exaggeration.
(15:21):
Because it's a lot different than suspecting something. Like this person who wrote.
She said her partner said that he thought she was lying.
So there's a suspicion that he thought she was lying.
Or she said that he believed that she was lying. Or whatever. Why wouldn't that be a conversation?
Why wouldn't that be something that you could bring up and have a conversation about, instead of going for the throat?
(15:46):
Instead of saying, you killed my puppy, and this is why I'm angry.
Again, hyperbole, it's just an exaggeration, and it's a terrible way to explain it.
But if somebody killed your puppy, you would have a right to be that reactive and that aggressive. And that's my point.
Because abusive behavior is often something so over the top or beyond what it should be that it's hard to spot sometimes because it can be subtle.
(16:18):
But when it's aggressive and overt like this, then you have to start questioning, what else is going on here?
Are they trying to keep my attention off of them and trying to keep me from explaining myself and convincing them that I'm
not a problem, that I'm not lying, that I'm being honest with them?
Do I have to do this with somebody who loves me?
(16:42):
Should I have to do this with somebody who loves me?
Isn't there an established trust and a mutual respect for each other?
Those are valid questions that you should ask yourself when you're being treated like this.
And so I don't want to get too lost in the weeds here, but this person actually said that he has done this before when they were younger.
(17:07):
He used to cheat and verbally abuse and sometimes physically abuse, mostly pushing.
So she has tolerated a lot, at least in the beginning.
I don't know if it happened in between when they were together, but they were very young.
They were teenagers, I think, when they were going out at first and into their 20s.
And so when we're that young, we're not going to have the best executive function of our brain.
(17:33):
We're going to still be developing our prefrontal cortex and we're going to be relying on our limbic system, our amygdala.
And all that means is we are more emotional at that time. We're not reasonable and rational.
Most of us are not reasonable and rational before the age of 25.
And so we make these decisions and our brain accepts them as logical and healthy and helpful and right decisions when they're not.
(18:05):
Because we're not rational yet until we get to that age.
And there are other factors here, and I don't claim to be a brain expert, but this is sort of what I've pieced together. We're just not old enough.
I mean, we know that the prefrontal cortex doesn't develop until about age 25, so that I can prove.
(18:26):
But we're not exactly in the right head space to even make big decisions in a relationship like choosing to stay with an abuser.
When you're 18 and you're choosing to stay with somebody who's verbally or physically abusing you, it's not because you're
making rational decisions, it's because you are in that limbic system of emotional decisions.
(18:50):
And there's a bigger chance of trauma bonding forming at that time.
And when you're trauma bonded, your brain believes that this is how you get love and this is how you feel worth and this is
how you feel important to somebody, how you feel worthy to someone, how you feel like love is supposed to be because you're
(19:11):
not connecting all the dots because you can't. It's like animal instinct.
And so you feel like, okay, this is how it's supposed to be, so I'll stick around.
And then after the age of 25, if you grew up, and this is just theoretical on my part, again, I'm not a brain expert, but
after your prefrontal cortex matures and gets to that point where it is finally working for us instead of not working enough,
(19:38):
we can carry the beliefs of our younger years into our older years.
So things start associating in our brain that makes sense that aren't really sensible unless we, you know, heal that part
of us and think differently about that.
But that's, um, that's what therapy is for and that's what shows like this are for just to get us on track because sometimes we lose track.
(20:05):
Sometimes we don't understand what the track is, where it is, and what normal looks like.
That's a lot of people who write to me don't know what normal looks like.
Normal is not what I'm reading to you today. It's not somebody hurting you.
Normal is somebody who accepts you as you are, and if they can't accept you as you are, they either work it out in themselves,
(20:31):
but they shouldn't try to change you.
They have to work it out in themselves, adapt to who you are or leave, not try to change you.
When they try to change you, that's when it becomes abusive.
And I'm not saying everything that somebody does to try to change you is abusive.
I'm saying that's when it can become abusive because when somebody wants what they want and they want you to change and they
(20:58):
learned early on that in order to get what you want, you have to manipulate, you have to control, then that's when you become the victim of abusive behavior.
Again, typically there are many different cases here, but that's where I see abuse starting is that somebody wants you to
be a certain way or do a certain thing.
(21:19):
And if they can't get it, instead of accepting that you aren't that way or won't do that thing, then they choose to control
you or manipulate you or influence you in some way to do or be that certain thing.
And if you don't do it and they can't accept that, they can leave or adapt or abuse.
(21:43):
And it's sort of black and white when I say it that way, but I think you understand what I'm saying.
Now coming back to this person, because she actually does have a question.
First of all, again, I am so sorry.
This is, nobody should ever have to go through this.
I teared up reading it and it just, it makes me realize how important it is to talk about this stuff, to make sure that you
(22:08):
and the person who wrote and anyone that needs to hear this doesn't either get into situations like this or knows how to get
out of them or knows how to start thinking about them differently. And I don't always promote separation. I don't promote divorce. I don't promote anything like that.
I want you to come to that conclusion on your own because when you're ready, you're ready.
(22:32):
And when you're not, you don't need anyone telling you, you got to leave that guy now.
Now I will say, in this case, I'm going to be a little bit more blunt because when it comes to physical abuse, always expect more. Physical abuse precipitates more physical abuse. Especially if there's been no accountability.
(22:57):
When there's no accountability, they got away with it.
And if they get away with it, they know they can do it again.
They know it couldn't have been that bad because, I didn't end up in jail and you took me back.
In some cases, some people will take their physical abuser back.
In this case, this person actually didn't want him back and he actually left.
(23:19):
He left crying because he felt bad for what he did.
I mean, he actually broke her jaw.
She was bleeding and she couldn't even hear for a few seconds or however long it was after he punched her.
And then he came to the realization, Oh crap, what did I do from my interpretation of her message?
(23:40):
And then left and said, I'm never coming back because I never, you know, this is my assumption.
I never want to hurt you again.
But if there's no healing in him, if he doesn't go out and get therapy, if he doesn't work on this stuff, then he won't change.
So later on, I don't know how long it was, but he came back and said, I have no place to live, so I'm going to live here.
(24:03):
So now she's in the very same situation.
The relationship is back, maybe not as a couple, but now she's in the danger zone again.
She's in that dangerous space where the person who hurt her is in the next room. He's right there.
And from her message, it sounds like it is over, but she just is waiting for him to leave.
(24:27):
And so her question to me, you know, this actually leads to a question.
Her question is, can I even begin to heal with him here?
Or do I have to wait until he's gone? Everything hurts.
And after all he's done, a part of me still doesn't want him to leave.
I don't know how to move forward.
So somebody might hear this and say, you don't want him to leave. What's your problem? I get it. I know why people say that. You know why people say that.
(24:55):
Because they don't want to see you hurt.
They don't want to see somebody who's already been hurt, hurt again, or maybe worse.
Because now we know what he's capable of, or maybe you've known that for a long time.
But it's crystal clear what he's capable of.
And in this case, you are clearly in a trauma bond.
(25:16):
And if you don't know what that means, I have episodes on trauma bonds.
I also encourage you to read about it.
Because trauma bonds trick the brain into thinking this is what love looks like.
Trauma bonds are the emotional system in your body saying in order to feel love, in order to feel worth, I must accept that
(25:40):
abuse is necessary in order to receive love, in order to feel worthy.
And that person, the person who hurt me, is the only one that can give it to me.
Or I believe that there's nobody else that can show me the kind of love that they gave to me. Therefore, I'll accept the pain.
(26:00):
I'll accept the suffering just to keep them in my life so I can have those good feelings too.
It's like telling yourself, it's okay if my jaw is broken as long as I'm getting this kind of love. I'm being harsh on this person.
I'm not trying to victim shame or blame. That is not my intent.
I'm giving you a generalization of trauma bonding.
(26:24):
What this person is telling me is that there's a part of me that doesn't want him to leave.
That doesn't mean she doesn't want him to leave. I get that. It just means it's honest.
Of course, you have been invested in this relationship.
You have put yourself, your heart into this relationship for so long.
(26:46):
It's been a part of your identity.
To lose a part of your identity is painful.
It hurts because that's who you are. That's how you've defined yourself.
It's not really who you are, but it has been who you are for the entire relationship.
There's you, there's me, and then there's us.
The three parts that make up a relationship in my view. You, me, and us.
(27:11):
When there's just you and you're single, your heart is all you. Your mind is all you. You're unified as yourself.
Then when there's you and someone else, there's us.
As soon as someone else comes into the picture, that makes three parts of you.
You've got yourself in there, you've got them in there, and then you've got the whole us. That becomes part of your identity. It's the wholeness of you.
(27:38):
The unification of all three parts or components that make up the relationship.
Losing one of those components is like saying, I'm ready to give up a part of myself.
If you get to the point where you're ready to give up a part of yourself, it's a massive step, a scary step, because what's beyond that? What's beyond that is some void.
(28:03):
It's some emptiness inside of you, even with somebody abusive.
That emptiness is scary for some people.
It might mean loneliness for some people.
There might be a fear of abandonment, of rejection, of loneliness, all of that, some dysfunctions that we carry around.
Those fears keep us with people that might hurt us.
(28:27):
The fear of not feeling worthy or a fear of not being loved.
These are true fears a lot of people experience.
This person might be experiencing that or not.
When she says, there's a part of me that still doesn't want him to leave, that's the part of her that wants to feel good.
(28:48):
That's the part of her that wants to feel worthy, that wants to feel loved.
In my perspective, and I told you I was going to be a little blunt here, my perspective is somebody like that shouldn't be what completes you.
Somebody who hurts you shouldn't be part of your identity.
Somebody who treats you like that, somebody who makes you fear and makes you bleed should not be a part of you.
(29:16):
That doesn't mean the trauma bond goes away, it doesn't mean you suddenly feel better inside, it might make you feel worse.
But it's important to understand at least that concept if you don't.
Because honestly, I'd rather get a message that says, I'm lonely, I'm sad, I wish I was in a relationship.
(29:36):
I'd rather get that message than, I'm in a relationship with somebody who hurts me.
And I feel bad for both, believe me.
But I would rather get the first message.
Because that tells me that you're safe from somebody else's abusive behaviors.
I don't want you to be lonely, I don't want you to feel bad at all.
(29:57):
But when you're in a situation like this, you definitely have to prioritize yourself.
And so let me get to this person's question.
Can I begin to heal with him here or do I have to wait until he's gone?
I'm going to give you my blunt personal perspective and my professional perspective here.
My blunt personal perspective is get a restraining order because he has physically assaulted you. Because this will happen again. This is my blunt personal opinion.
(30:27):
It's a perspective, it's not necessarily a truth, but it could be.
And because there's a high chance of that happening, it's important that you protect yourself.
If you get the restraining order, it could lead to him leaving the home.
Now, because I say that's personal, I can't tell you to do that.
(30:50):
And the reason I can't tell you to do that is because there are dangers involved.
If you got a restraining order, he finds out, he could hurt you again or worse. So personally, I'm your best friend.
We're in a coffee shop and I'm talking to you and you tell me this story. And I say, what? He did this to you?
The first thing I'm going to think about is actually going over there and taking care of it myself.
(31:14):
But this is how I might guide you if we were sitting together in a coffee shop. So that's my personal perspective.
I cannot possibly tell you to do that, professionally speaking, because it would be irresponsible of me.
So personally, I want you to do that. I want you to protect yourself.
I want you to kick him out or move out or whatever just to get away from him because I fear for your safety.
(31:38):
But personally, I can't tell you to do that.
That's just an opinion that's flying off the tip of my tongue because I care about you.
Professionally speaking, I would highly recommend you call a domestic violence hotline and tell them what happened.
Tell them the situation you're in and ask them the best course of action because you're going to need some guidance here. He may be docile now.
(32:03):
He may be in a place that seems okay and you think you know him well, but suddenly he punched you in the face. There's something going on in there.
And because it doesn't sound like there's been accountability for this, it doesn't sound like the police showed up or anything,
then you have to be aware that this could definitely happen again.
(32:24):
So from my professional perspective, call the domestic violence hotline. In fact, what is that? I just searched for it. It says Get Support 1-800-799-7233.
And when you look for it online, it'll probably have a chat option too.
So I highly recommend that only because you may need someone to have some rational conversation with.
(32:51):
Somebody outside of you, somebody with an objective opinion, an objective observation I should say, of your situation who
has been trained to help people in your position.
So it doesn't, to me, it doesn't sound like you see this as so serious that you're packing your bags right now and finding
(33:14):
a hotel because you said you're still in the same house with him.
But because they have dealt with people like this, it's important to get a hold of somebody that will know more because they
have worked with people in your place, in your position.
They've worked with thousands of people in your position and they know what to expect.
(33:38):
So I highly recommend you do that.
And to answer your question, which you asked directly to me, can I even begin to heal with him here or do I have to wait until he's gone?
After you talk to the domestic violence hotline, what I would recommend is that you start healing now.
(33:58):
You start healing by telling yourself, I am worth more than this. I don't deserve to be hurt. I don't deserve to be disrespected. And I don't deserve to suffer.
That's how you start healing is to tell yourself that you don't deserve to suffer.
You don't deserve to be treated this way.
(34:19):
You don't deserve to bleed for anyone else. You don't deserve it.
And if you don't believe that, or at least a part of you doesn't believe that, that's what needs healing.
That's what you need to start healing.
You need to come to a point in yourself where you know for a fact that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness
(34:39):
and no one is allowed to hurt you.
And when you get to that point, that's when you start healing.
I'm not saying that this heals everything and you're good and you're done.
I'm saying this is what you need to start to do.
So, can you begin to heal with him there? You have to.
If he's not leaving, if you're not leaving, if you're not getting a restraining order, if you're in that situation, if you're
(35:05):
in that proximity, then you have to start believing this about yourself.
And when you start believing this, that's when you start healing.
Your specific question, do I have to wait until he's gone?
Well, here's the next part of this.
You won't be able to fully heal while you're still together.
(35:26):
There's too much trauma, there's too much chance of it happening again.
When somebody like that is in your proximity, they are in your mind constantly.
I better not speak too loud, I better not turn the TV off, I better not talk on the phone in the room, or I better not talk
on the phone out of the room because he might say this, he might do that.
(35:50):
This is the constant patterns of thought that go through an abuse victim's mind.
The abuser is in their mind all the time.
And when the abuser is still in the relationship, especially after such a traumatic and violent event, then you're walking
(36:11):
around with even more on your mind.
Is there a chance that he's going to hurt me worse?
Is there a chance he's going to kill me? These are valid questions.
And so, I want you to start healing now so that when you need to make a decision, when you need to take care of yourself,
that it has a foundation of knowing you are worthy and knowing you don't deserve this kind of treatment.
(36:39):
You have to get to that point in yourself.
And even if you're not at that point, I want you to treat yourself as if you were.
So when somebody tries to hurt you, verbally or physically, instead of going to that place in your mind that has any inkling
of, I deserve this, I want you to go to that place in your mind that says, I love myself too much for you to treat me this way.
(37:05):
That doesn't mean you tell the person.
It just means you tell yourself so that you make the right decisions that you need to make for yourself.
And this is a tricky subject because it's a violent relationship, because there is physical abuse.
It's tricky to tell you exactly what to do because I tell you one thing and that could lead to danger.
(37:27):
I tell you another thing, that could lead to danger.
I tell you to leave, he could follow you and that could lead to danger.
So I can't tell you from a professional point exactly what to do.
But I can say, if you're going to start doing anything after you call the Domestic Violence Hotline or do your research, if
(37:48):
you're going to do anything to start healing, the first thing you need to do is make sure that you believe 100% that you don't deserve any of this treatment.
Because you are worthy, you are important, you are lovable.
And just because someone didn't know how to show you that and in fact treated you the opposite, that doesn't define who you are and what you deserve. It defines who they are. And that guy needs help. He needs help.
(38:16):
And you need to feel safe in your own home.
And you need to know that you are 100% worthy of respect and kindness.
And you need to love yourself so much that no one can ever break that bond that you have with yourself.
It's sort of like, I'm going to use another terrible analogy here, a child who's standing on the sidewalk and a van pulls
(38:45):
up and somebody says, hey, come on in, I've got something to show you.
Almost every adult I know who sees this unfold is going to walk or run over to the child and ask what's going on.
If they see something suspicious like that, they're going to protect the child. This is how you protect yourself.
(39:05):
You see yourself as that helpless child who's about to get into a van that leads to absolute danger and you tell yourself, wow, I can't let that happen.
I won't let that happen, so I'm going to run over there and protect that child.
Once you start seeing yourself that way as that helpless child, not that you're helpless, I'm just saying, this is the kind of energy you put toward it.
(39:29):
This is what you do for yourself.
I love myself so much that I won't allow anyone to do that to me.
I love myself so much that I won't allow anyone to treat me like that, so this is what I'm going to do to protect myself.
And again, I can't tell you how to protect yourself if you're that close to somebody who is very dangerous, you already know
(39:50):
he's dangerous, then I want you to accept that's who he is and you need to protect yourself.
And I want you to love yourself so much that you know you don't deserve that.
And if anybody does anything like that to you ever again or treats you in any way that isn't loving and supportive and respectful,
that you will tell yourself, I love myself too much to be treated like this.
(40:14):
So to the person who wrote, I'm so sorry that you experienced this and I just want you to remember that life is like a book
of chapters and once one chapter is finished, we move on to the next one.
I'll never forget, I heard this on a radio station once, that this is a chapter of life that once we turn the page, we're going into a new chapter.
(40:37):
And so these chapters of our life, they are playing out like a novel, like a story.
And what we went through is part of our journey, part of our hero's journey.
And the hero's journey is supposed to end on a happy note. So this is just a chapter.
Then we can turn the page and start a new chapter of our life.
(40:58):
You may not be there quite yet, but it sounds to me that that part of your life, that chapter of your life is coming to a close.
And you can take the lessons, you can learn from those lessons, you can start your healing process and you can start moving
forward and remembering who you are and what you deserve so that if there's any red flags in the future, you can definitely
(41:22):
see them right away and get yourself into a better place.
And to anyone else listening, she told me a lot in the message that he's definitely playing the victim. He didn't at first.
She said he cried and left and he felt sorry and he said he was never coming back and he implied that he didn't want to hurt her ever again.
(41:43):
Yet he's back and now he's playing the victim and there's a lot more involved there.
But remember what I said, we talked about how some people will point the finger at you, put the spotlight on you, face the
mirror toward you and keep you focused on yourself so that you explain what's happening to them even though that's their goal.
(42:06):
Their goal is to keep you explaining, keep you defending, keep you trying to convince them of something they already know
but don't seem to care enough to stop their behaviors.
And when you have somebody like that who is always putting you in the spotlight and never taking responsibility and never
being accountable for what they do, you end up with somebody who pretty much feels unstoppable and we don't want them to get to that point.
(42:35):
Somebody who experiences accountability, like the first time they do something abusive and the person who experienced that
behavior says, uh-uh, no thanks and they leave or they call the police because it was pretty bad, then that person will now
experience accountability and that can push someone to change.
(42:59):
It doesn't mean you have to continue a relationship with them but it can be the thing that pushes them to the point of change or not. They may not change.
They may feel wronged by the person they hurt which is, it's sad.
I mean, they're dealing with a lot of stuff there and I talk about why people become abusive in other episodes.
(43:20):
That's a whole nother topic but in this case, I want to thank this person for sharing this and I am sending you all the positive vibes I can. Please stay safe.
Please know that you are valuable and worthy and you do not deserve this and keep your support system close.
Keep your support system on speed dial, just in case. I wish you the best.
(43:47):
Stay strong through all of this and take care of yourself.
Thanks for listening and share this with others who might benefit.
Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The Mean Workbook, an assessment and healing guide for difficult relationships.
The workbook contains a 200-point assessment to tell you what's causing you to leave so many interactions feeling bad. Gain clarity on your relationship today. Visit loveandabuse.com for more information.
(44:12):
And if you've discovered that you are doing the hurtful behaviors to someone that you care about, listen up.
I want you to change that about yourself.
I want you to sign up for the only program that walks you through the entire process of healing from being emotionally abusive.
It has changed thousands of lives and relationships and can change yours too.
Visit healedbeing.com to start with some free lessons right away.
(44:35):
And if you're looking for a safer way to listen to this show where all the titles to the episodes are changed, click on the
safe listening button over at the podcast page over at loveandabuse.com.
This show exists to remind you that you're not alone and you're not going crazy.
You are worthy of respect, kindness, and love.
And you deserve to be accepted exactly as you are.
(45:00):
Again, stay strong, and we'll talk again soon.
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