July 7, 2025 • 40 mins
Love can feel like a double-edged sword, cutting deep despite the tender moments. Or is that really love? Caring and kindness mixed with toxic, controlling behaviors create a dangerous emotional cocktail of bonding and trauma.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to Love and Abuse, the show about navigating the difficult relationship. You deserve respect and kindness.
(00:07):
All the information on this show is meant for educational purposes only.
Always seek a professional for your mental health and well-being, and always pick your battles wisely. I'm your host, Paul Colaianni.
Let me ask you what might seem an unfair question. and that is, if you owned, or if you got, an animal, like a cat or a dog
(00:32):
or whatever, and it was cute, and you loved it, but there was a, just say that you have a cat, and it scratched you in the face every day.
(00:53):
And then later on, it was cute and let you pet it, and it would have these sweet purrs and meows.
And then the next day, it scratched you in the face again.
Or with a dog, it bit your arm every time.
It just bites you, even though it loved you.
And I mean, you know where I'm going.
You know where I'm going with this.
(01:13):
It is very much like a trauma bond.
A trauma bond is you love something so much, yet that person, that thing hurts you.
But you love that person or that animal or whatever, but you are hurt by it.
And the hurt happens almost every day, if not more than once a day.
(01:37):
I had somebody write to me, and they said, um, I have a huge problem. I don't know what to do.
I met the love of my life, and he moved across the country to be with me.
But after he got here, he changed massively.
Both of his exes cheated on him. I'm a bubbly, outgoing, nice person. I'm social. I love my friends. I make new friends.
And some people I talk to are men.
(01:57):
And he's convinced I'm trying to cheat on him. And he accuses me of cheating.
He accuses me of wanting to cheat or seeking male attention to feel better about myself.
He's extremely abusive when accuses me of this. He calls me a slut.
He's telling me that I'm ugly and old and I'm untrustworthy, that I'm not wife material.
(02:18):
Sometimes I could see how he might get the wrong impression.
So I made some changes, but it's only gotten worse.
Two men in the last year have hit on me, and he went through the roof. He blamed me for it.
He told me that they did that because I'm a slut.
I mean, this goes on and it goes on and it goes on.
(02:39):
And he says that she's the abuser, not him.
And he's defending himself against a lying cheater.
And she goes on and says, he explodes at me for all kinds of other reasons.
And he insists that it's always my fault and that my method of abusing him is being imposing and making him uncomfortable and being selfish.
(03:01):
And he says, I'm not the abuser. I'm just putting my foot down.
I don't want to take your crap.
He refuses to be a productive member of our relationship in any way, even refusing to get a real job because quote, I'm just using him for his money.
I can't even, I can't continue reading this. It's just awful.
And this is why I started today's episode with that analogy of getting an animal that hurts you every day.
(03:30):
She started off saying, I met the love of my life.
If this is the love of your life, you have to keep living because this is not love.
This is what you think love looks like, but it doesn't.
And I know this is the animal reference again.
(03:51):
He's loving and caring when he's not abusive.
This is how the trauma bond is formed.
We love someone and we care about them and we developed a trust and a feeling of safety and a feeling of being loved, a feeling
of feeling lovable, feeling worthy, feeling important in someone's life.
(04:15):
And then they scratch your face, they bite your arm.
And when this proverbial injuring happens, many people, maybe you seek justification, seek reasons for it to happen. Maybe I did something wrong.
You might think, maybe I could change like this person. I could change a little bit.
(04:38):
Maybe I'm not dressing conservatively enough and I'm attracting other people who might be attracted to me, who might try to pick me up.
So I'm going to change that about myself just because I care about my partner so much that I will change for that person,
even though this isn't who I want to be. That's what happens.
(05:02):
We change into somebody that we don't want to be because who we have been was probably comfortable for us.
It was probably something that we enjoyed being and doing.
And when somebody causes any type of emotional injury to you, they wound you with their words and their behaviors.
What they're doing is trying to form you into the person they want you to be so that they don't feel uncomfortable or threatened
(05:31):
because of some insecurity, something they have to deal with inside them because it is a them problem, not a you problem.
If she wants to wear something sexy, she should be able to.
She should feel comfortable being herself around this person.
And what he's doing is saying, I'm not comfortable with you being yourself.
(05:56):
So we get into these relationships with people that can really hurt us, but they're so lovable in other ways, but they really hurt us.
And I bring this to your attention in case you need to know, in case you need to hear this, in case this person is listening
right now to make sure that you understand that this is a them problem, in this case a him problem, and not a you problem.
(06:26):
In fact, if you make it a you problem, you will always be unhappy because we get into relationships.
I mean, this is how I see it.
When we get into a romantic relationship, it's because we love the person as they are.
I think that's how it should be.
We get into our relationship because we love the person as they are.
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Like promoting somebody in a business or being promoted in a business.
They like who you are showing up as.
They appreciate your work or you appreciate an employee's work.
So you give them a raise, you give them a promotion.
And it's not that once you give them a raise and promotion that you expect more.
(07:10):
I mean, this is the way I look at it.
You don't expect more because you just expect more of the same because they're so great as they are.
So when we get into a romantic relationship, we see the person as they are and say, hey, I would like to share my life with them.
I would like to be with them as they are because who they are is not only acceptable to me, but I love it. And I appreciate them.
(07:36):
And I would love spending time with them as they are.
That to me is a normal, healthy relationship.
It doesn't mean we're not going to talk about things and have incompatibilities and what you like that. I don't like that at all. That's fine.
But what isn't fine is when somebody says, you're not good enough as you are.
(07:59):
I don't want you walking around thinking you're not good enough as you are.
This person who wrote to me, you are perfectly fine as you were. Don't change for him.
If that's who you are, you changing yourself for someone who is being hurtful to you shows that person that it's okay to hurt you to change you.
(08:27):
And there are two problems with that. It's okay to hurt you. That's wrong. It's okay to change you. That's wrong.
Don't show someone that it's okay to hurt you and change you. I'm not blaming you for that.
I'm just saying, if you need to hear this, this is very blunt. I'm sorry.
(08:50):
It's very blunt for me to say you changing for someone else who hurts you is showing them that hurting you is the way you change.
It's showing you that you will change for someone as long as they are hurtful to you. It's positive reinforcement to negative behavior.
(09:10):
And the more we reinforce negative behavior by complying and submitting to it, the more we show that that is how we want to be treated. And again, that's harsh. I know.
And I, I don't mean to victim blame, victim shame. That's not where I'm going.
Where I'm going is if you burn this into your brain, if you take this with you, then if you end up in a situation like this,
(09:40):
you can remind yourself, I deserve to be treated as I am, not as they want me to be.
I deserve to be who I am, not the person they want me to be.
You know, the best changes that we make are for those we love and those we trust and those we feel safe around.
(10:03):
And those kinds of changes typically are the ones that last.
So let's just say that you have a feeling about your weight.
You don't like the way you look.
You don't like how heavy or skinny or whatever you are.
And now you met somebody who loves you just as you are. They love you. They don't care about the weight.
(10:27):
They just love being with you and sharing time with you.
Then you look in the mirror one day and you go, you know, I really want to lose some weight.
I want to feel better about myself.
And this is only if you don't feel good about yourself.
But let's just say you look in the mirror.
I want to feel better about myself, and I think that would be nice for the both of us.
(10:49):
If I look better, maybe they'll find me more attractive.
And again, this isn't because they don't find you attractive.
It's just because you might feel good giving yourself a gift and maybe they'll think it's a gift too. And I'm very careful here.
I'm not saying you should change for someone and I'm not saying this is something that you should consider.
(11:10):
This isn't what I'm talking about at all.
I'm saying that when somebody accepts you as you are, as the person you showed up as on day one of the relationship and they
aren't talking down to you, they aren't putting you down, they aren't making you feel bad about yourself, about the way you
talk, the way you think, your body, the friends you pick, the choices you make, the activities that you do.
(11:36):
If they're not doing any of that and they're fully accepting and they just love you as you are, then what happens is you get your brain to yourself.
And with you and your brain, it sounds a little weird, but with you and your brain on your own, without somebody trying to
(11:57):
manipulate or control or influence you, you get to make your own choices.
And because nobody is trying to control or manipulate you and is allowing you to be yourself, you're going to be alone with
your own thoughts and there won't be any conflict or struggle about somebody else's thoughts.
(12:18):
And when that happens, you get to decide for yourself what you want to do in your life for yourself and maybe even for others.
So when you have the thought of, I want to change for someone, make sure that someone is treating you right, not wrong.
(12:39):
Make sure that someone is not causing you to suffer because changing for someone who causes you to suffer shows them that
in order for them to get the person they want you to be, they have to cause you to suffer.
And when that happens, you will suffer for the rest of your time with them.
(13:02):
That shouldn't be the way a relationship goes.
And I know some of this is painful for a lot of people that are listening right now, and I'm sorry, but I want to make sure that you know you're worthy.
You are worthy of being accepted exactly as you were before you made changes for someone else that didn't deserve those changes.
(13:27):
Someone who hurts you, if you've been hurt by someone, someone who hurts you doesn't deserve to see the quote improved version they want you to be. They don't deserve that.
If you're going to show up for anybody in an improved way, A, it has to be your decision that you come to on your own because
(13:49):
you feel like that's what you want to do for yourself.
And you might appreciate that somebody else would appreciate that in you and about you.
And if somebody is causing you to suffer and causing you to feel bad and making you think really terrible things about yourself,
like you're not worthy and not lovable unless you do this, why would they deserve a new and improved you that they're trying to mold you into?
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Even if you want to do these things for yourself, let's just say that you feel tired and sluggish and you've gained some weight
and you don't like that about yourself and your partner mentions it and your partner talks about it and your partner looks
at you when you're eating things that they don't agree with and they want you to do something.
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And they might even say it, they want you to do something about it.
And maybe you've looked in the mirror and you want to do something about it, but now you have this other voice in your brain
that's influencing and trying to control you.
How compelled or motivated are you to now do any type of improvement or change in yourself when somebody else can't even support you where you are?
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This is something that a lot of emotionally abusive people don't understand is that the more pressure you put on someone to
change, the more likely they'll become the very person they don't want.
I see it over and over again.
It is a self-fulfilling prophecy that the emotional abuser goes through.
If they don't want something that their partner or somebody that they claim to care about, they don't want them to be who
(15:36):
they are and they're trying to change them or change the way they make decisions or the decisions they make.
If they're trying to do something like that, what ends up happening is that the other person feels that control and feels
that pressure and for a number of reasons, won't do the changes that the emotionally abusive person wants them to do.
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Not because they don't want to do it for themselves, but because they don't feel motivated or compelled to do it if they feel
down, if they feel bad and they don't have a loving supportive person saying, it's okay what you do either way.
I'm okay with whatever you want to do with your life.
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If you want to exercise, if you don't want to exercise, that's up to you because it's your life.
You're an individual that has individual wants and needs and you may or may not want to make changes in your life, but I'm
okay either way because I just love spending time with you.
But that's not what happens in the emotionally abusive relationship.
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What happens is you get that voice in your head and they say, I want you to do this and you better do this because you don't
love me if you don't do this.
You'll hear those manipulative controlling words that make you feel bad for not doing what they want and when you feel that
way, it's very difficult to do anything to improve yourself.
(17:00):
In fact, you will likely want to disconnect emotionally or at least distance yourself emotionally so that you can try to process
on your own and protect your heart while they're continuing to make you feel bad and wanting you to change and telling you
everything you need to do to change.
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And so this person continued, she said, I'm a shell of a person now.
This is ruining my life, my social life is falling apart.
The endless fighting and harassment is affecting my health. I can't sleep. I cry all the time. It's affecting my job.
I want to leave, but I can't.
I know why he's doing this and I know the beautiful man he can be without it.
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I'm worried that if I leave, he'll change and then I'll miss out on the man I know he is.
I don't want to see the good version of him with someone else.
Is there any hope for someone doing this?
I think he knows that the way he's acting is horrible.
He hints at it, but then he immediately throws in, you don't deserve the good me until you earn it.
(18:06):
And then she finishes, my reactions of two years of this have become abusive as well.
Some things I have said in retaliation are horrible. Things that I'll regret saying forever. I know it.
And I'm deeply ashamed who I am is twisting into something ugly and I can feel it.
And she thanked me and yeah, thank you for sharing that.
(18:26):
I'm so sorry you're going through it, but this is the blunt episode.
I want to be blunt with you.
I want you to understand that no one deserves abusive behavior. You do not deserve this.
And the answer to your question is if you leave, will he change?
This is the irony sometimes is that when we stay in an abusive relationship, they don't change because of the positive reinforcement they're getting.
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I mean, that's not the best term, but what's happening is he sees that there is no accountability for his behavior. And you may think there's accountability.
Maybe you withhold sex or you withhold talking and connecting with him.
And you think that that's enough of a message to show him that the way he's treating you is bad.
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The problem is with many emotionally abusive people is that they will not stop behaving that way until they understand that
their behaviors will and do drive people away.
And until that person goes away, they don't change.
(19:37):
Now it does happen when they seek help.
If he sought help and you know, goes to my program, healed being or finds a therapist or whatever he needs to do.
If he sought help, he could start changing while in the relationship.
But I have worked with way too many people, way too emotionally abusive people who are deep down, wonderfully compassionate,
(20:01):
supportive, loving people inside, but have all this, all these extra layers of unhealthy coping mechanisms.
And they don't want to deal with their emotions.
So they push people away by being hurtful to them and anything they can't deal with, they make you deal with.
So they make you deal with their unhealed stuff and they keep pushing it on you and pushing it on you.
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And you will suffer and you will become a shell of your former self.
And because you haven't left, which is my point here, because you haven't left, they don't think their behavior was bad enough. That's the thought.
I hate to throw that on anyone right now, but because there is no real threat of you leaving, and it's not really a threat, it's a fact.
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If you make it a fact, I'm leaving because I can't take this behavior anymore.
That's when it hits most of them, not all of them.
Some people just want to be right and just want to be dominating and controlling and have power over you the whole time.
Even if you dare to leave and they'll just blame you for everything, even after you left, saying that you broke up the family,
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you're the cause of the problems in this relationship, and they just won't get off that high horse.
But what ends up happening in most cases in the emotionally abusive relationship is that when the person being victimized
finally says, I've had enough, I've reached my limit, I've reached my threshold, this has to stop or I'm gone.
(21:35):
That is when they finally get it.
When they finally realize, oh, there is accountability for my behavior. Oh, it is serious. You really are affected. I know it sounds strange.
How could they not tell that you were affected? You were crying.
You spent the night at your sister's, your mom's, whatever. You slept on the couch, whatever.
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It wasn't enough because they didn't change.
So the accountability behaviors that we sometimes do will never be enough for some people.
They have to know that the recipient of their behavior has their own voice and can make their own decisions and has every right to follow their own path.
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And when that person says, I've had enough, I'm not going to take it anymore, And it hits them like a ton of bricks.
And then they say something like, well, why didn't you tell me before? Which is ridiculous.
We know this because you've told them many, many times in many, many ways.
And why isn't my crying and my pain and my hurt enough for you to change?
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And the one I hear over and over again is, if you loved me, why would you do this to me? Because that's what they'll say. I love you. Please don't leave. I love you. I love you.
If you love me, why would you do this to me?
I don't know, but I'll never do it again.
And by then you've reached that point, what I call the threshold. You've reached your threshold. That's it.
(23:07):
You're either going to jump off the ledge or you're going to save yourself.
You don't want to jump off the ledge. You want to save yourself.
You don't want to be in that space anymore.
You don't want to get scratched in the face anymore, using the cat analogy, or get bit anymore.
The cat and the dog can bite.
You don't want to be in that position.
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You don't want to stay with somebody who loves you and hurts you. And that's not love.
Just reminding you, when somebody hurts you and they say they love you, they have the wrong definition of love and you may
have the wrong perception of what love is supposed to be.
I look at love as supporting someone else's path to happiness, their decisions that make them happy, supporting who they are,
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accepting them, the person they are, accepting them 100%, even if you don't like some quirks and nuances or even some major
stuff, but loving somebody is accepting them.
It is showing them that they are okay as is.
And so when you don't feel that, when you don't feel that from somebody and you're feeling quite the opposite, that's when it becomes toxic.
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That's when it becomes hurtful, abusive, and you will become a shell of your former self, as this person says, and so many others before her have said.
This person who wrote to me, her partner, he will not stop.
Let me just give you my crystal ball prediction.
Let's just say that you do break up and protect yourself.
And he says, well, you know, I'll be blunt again, F her. She's a slut anyway.
(24:42):
And that's probably what he's going to say. And obviously she has problems. So I'm glad she's gone.
And then he gets into another relationship.
That next person is going to suffer just as much, if not more, because the way he's going to change is if he seeks help.
And let's just say that you do leave and he does figure out that he needs help.
(25:03):
He would probably never get to that point if you didn't leave.
And I know that sounds like I'm putting the pressure on you for him to change. That's not it at all.
I'm just saying that as long as you're in the relationship, he'll realize that his behavior isn't bad enough. Otherwise you would have left. That's his perspective.
I know this perspective Well it used to be my perspective a long time ago. That's how I felt. Well, it can't be bad enough. She's still here.
(25:31):
So I guess I'll work on it, but there's really no big deal because I can just take my time working on my own behaviors because she's still here.
Eight years later, a divorce because I kept telling her I'm working on it. I'm working on it. You're right.
I'm working on it, but I never really worked on it.
I thought I was doing it, but I didn't realize how bad it was until she wanted a divorce.
(25:55):
I admit my own ignorance, my own lack of empathy, my own uncaring, unsupportive, unloving ways. That's who I used to be.
And I needed people to leave me.
I needed to have relationships where they looked at me and said, I can't. take it anymore. I'm leaving you.
I needed that to happen to me for me to start my healing.
(26:19):
I am so grateful for people leaving me.
I don't know if this helps this person, because when you're really attached to someone and you might have a fear of being
alone or fear of being abandoned, you have insecurities that you need to deal with.
It's hard to leave somebody when you have those dependencies on another person for your happiness, for your well-being.
(26:44):
It's those dependencies we have to work on.
It's those insecurities that we have to work on.
So we don't keep that scratchy cat and that bitey dog in our life, day after day, doing their worst while we say, but we love them.
And again, that's unfair because cats and dogs are wonderful. That's an unfair comparison.
(27:09):
And I'm not saying get rid of the cat or dog.
I'm not saying that at all, because most of them are just unconditionally loving and they're not going to do this thing.
But I wanted to paint that picture to help clarify what a trauma bond can do to someone.
They can make you keep another person in your life because you love the parts you love. You hate the parts you hate.
(27:32):
You cry about the parts you hate.
You suffer from the parts you hate.
And believe me, the parts that you don't like in another person, 98% of the time, that's what you're experiencing inside of yourself.
That 2% that, oh, they showed up so wonderfully today.
(27:53):
They gave me a kiss and they never do that in the morning.
And they brought me to lunch and it was wonderful. We just had a wonderful day.
And for many people, that one day is the one day that sticks out and stays with them and they hope that it happens again and again.
But 98% of the time, what's on your mind?
(28:13):
What's on your mind is I hope they don't do that again.
I hope I don't make them upset.
I hope they don't yell at me or put me down or call me fat or call me too skinny or call me ugly or call me a slut.
All of that can be floating around in your head all the time.
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And when that happens, what kind of relationship are you in?
You might be waiting for the other person to change and maybe someday they will, but they have to have the desire. They have to have the empathy.
They have to have the humility and the vulnerability to step into a space where they finally say, Oh my God, I've been hurting you all this time. I feel sick to my stomach.
(28:59):
I can't believe I've been doing this. I've seen that happen.
It happened to me and it happens to so many people I work with.
They just get to this point where they feel sick. They feel shame.
I can't believe I treated somebody that I'm supposed to love like that.
I can't believe I've been doing that for years now.
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I don't want to ever be that person again.
That's what you need to see in someone who really wants to change.
You don't want to listen to, Yeah, you're right.
I probably do need to change because that's just talk.
And how many times do people talk and not follow through?
When somebody really understands they need to change, they stop.
(29:46):
They stop in their tracks and say, Oh, you know what I said?
Oh my God, I can't believe I've been doing this the whole time. I'm just realizing it now.
Again, it's like, why are you realizing it now? Can't you see the tears?
Can't you see all the suffering I went through? Those are valid questions.
But that's the light bulb moment for most of them.
(30:08):
Most people who are being abusive, who realize, who suddenly realize that their behavior is wrong, is hurtful and very toxic,
they usually have a light bulb moment because they step into empathy for the first time, like full empathy, like, Oh, I would
not want to be treated like that.
Now I feel sick because that's what I've been doing.
(30:30):
That's when you know there's some real change.
I mean, unless they're trying to fake it, but faking it doesn't last.
That's the best part of this is somebody can listen to this and go, Oh, I'll just pretend that I feel shame and guilt.
They'll try it for a day or two.
And then on day three, they're back to who they were because they faked it and they haven't dealt with their coping mechanisms
(30:52):
and they haven't dealt with their insecurities and their dysfunctions. They haven't worked on that stuff.
And so any changes that you saw aren't real. That's how you can tell.
You just wait a few days and see where they go.
Wait a few weeks, see where they go.
Maybe some people can fake it longer, but it takes a while just to continue watching their behavior and any changes that you
(31:13):
see, you continue watching those changes until you get to a point where you realize, Oh, they really are changing and they do act differently.
And I'm not used to feeling comfortable around them.
I'm not used to not worrying about what I say or think. That's really strange.
You will feel strange when somebody who has been abusive towards you actually stops being abusive. You will feel completely different.
(31:38):
So I'm going to wrap this up and tell the person who wrote that this is not the love of your life.
The person who is there right now in your life is not the love of your life.
You may be upset at me for saying that, but this is not what love looks like. They are a big lesson.
They are somebody that may have brought some joy to your life or a lot of joy, but the 98% of pain and suffering that you're
(32:05):
going through, this is not what life is about.
This is not what relationships are about. This is a life lesson.
This is something we can look at and go, I will never be treated like that again.
I will never get into a relationship with somebody like that again. Because here's the light.
(32:30):
And he decides, Oh my God, I got to heal. I got to work on this.
That doesn't mean that your relationship can't have another chance.
But in order to get to that chance, you do have to go through the big breakdown before the breakthrough.
That's how I see it almost every time.
(32:50):
There has to be a real thread of accountability.
And that real thread is usually, I can't take it anymore. I'm leaving. I'll see you later. Or I'm going to take break. I can't take this anymore.
I got to take a break from you. And then hopefully they'll get it.
Now I'm not saying that this relationship will eventually get back together if he finds healing, because after you have some
(33:11):
time to yourself without him influencing you, without him taking up that 98% of the time thinking about things in your brain,
after he's out of your brain for a while, you'll be able to understand what's happening.
(33:31):
Because when you're in the trauma bond, you're still in the fog. You're still in a confused state.
You're still trying to make the other person happy or trying to conform to what they want.
Or you believe that maybe they're right about some of the things that you need to do.
So you're doing those things or you're going in that direction.
(33:51):
And when the fog lifts, this is what happened to my mom. I watched it in real time.
When the fog lifts, she got divorced.
And within two months, she was still saying, well, I'd invite him back in if he came back.
And I said, mom, he's been abusing you for 40 years. What?
And she said, yeah, I don't know. You know, I probably would. And I'll never forget.
(34:15):
Two months later, it took her two months.
It typically takes about two to four months.
And from what I've seen for the fog to lift.
So about two months later, she said to me, remember when you asked me if I would take him back?
And when I asked, I was actually joking because I thought she'd say, hell no.
But she actually said, well, I might.
And she asked me, well, remember when you asked that question? And I said, yes, I might. I'm going to say this.
(34:42):
I'm going to have to bleep it out.
She says, I don't know what the I was thinking.
She said, I would take him back.
I can't believe I ever said that. So the fog lifted for her.
She finally was able to think clearly and look into the past of what her 40 years of him was like and realized that she never wanted to experience that again.
(35:07):
She wanted not only 2% of enjoyment.
She wanted a hundred percent of her life back. 98% of the time she was always worried about him and worried about making sure
that he doesn't get drunk and smash something or hurt her again.
She was in that constant state and she didn't even realize that she was in that constant state.
(35:30):
I mean, she might've known, but she didn't realize it was so unhealthy and so detrimental to her happiness because she was so used to it. It was her new normal.
She just probably figured this is how relationships are and you just take the bad with the good.
And so she said, I would never take him back.
(35:51):
I don't know what I was thinking.
And I said, oh, oh, that's good. I'm glad you said that.
That moment was pivotal to me because I started, I started taking notes about people who leave relationships, who want to
go back into the abusive relationship and finding out that about two to four months, they get their own light bulb moment because the fog finally lifted.
(36:19):
The fog is all the confusion and the thoughts and the fears and the worries and or maybe I'm doing something wrong and all
the, all the toxicity that has been there for the length of time you were in the relationship.
When that lifts, you get yourself back.
You get to reconnect with who you were and that person is still in there.
(36:44):
And when you can't find that person, because it does happen when you lose yourself so much and you are a shell of your self,
you may have to rebuild who you want to be, which means starting from scratch.
I know that that doesn't sound very good, but it's a lot better than being in such a bad situation that you are continually
(37:06):
hollowed out emotionally where you do turn into that shell of your former self.
And when you're in that space and you've got nothing left, that is often the breaking point for many people. I've got nothing left. There's, there's no more meaning. There's no more purpose. There's no more happiness. What's the point?
And then you get to that point where you feel like a shell and you decide, I don't want this anymore because you are still
(37:33):
in there and you may need to rebuild yourself from the ground up, but the core of who you are is still there.
And that's a wonderful thing because the core of who you are is the genuine article.
It is the wonderfully lovable, worthy version of you that will probably need a lot of healing as you go through this, but
(37:54):
as you heal, you're not being constantly oppressed.
When you're oppressed, you get pushed aside.
When you're not, when you're allowed to be yourself, you get to blossom.
To the person who wrote, I want to say that I'm so sorry that you went through all this.
The reactions that you're that's called reactive abuse. I have an episode on that. It just happens.
(38:18):
We become abusive to the abuser because they won't listen to anything else we have to say.
So we have to talk their language. That's called reactive abuse.
And I totally simplified it, but that's, that's what it looks like.
And so you aren't the problem here.
That person, that person that has been doing this to you is the problem.
(38:39):
And 98% of your message tells me that 98% of your life is terrible with this person.
So you may have to rebuild who you are and know that you deserve better.
And know that even though he has some heart and you've had some good times, and maybe there were great times that just because
(39:02):
he's a cute little puppy or doggy, you don't deserve to get bit or scratched every single day. You don't deserve that. Thanks for listening.
Share this with someone who might benefit.
Love and abuse is the official podcast of the mean workbook, an assessment and healing guide for difficult relationships.
The workbook contains a 200 point assessment to tell you exactly what's causing you to leave so many interactions, feeling
(39:25):
bad, gain clarity on your relationship today, visit loveandabuse.com for more information.
And if you've discovered that you are doing hurtful behaviors to someone that you care about, and you want to change that
about yourself, sign up for the only program that walks you through the entire process of healing from being emotionally abusive.
That can be your light bulb moment.
If you're listening, it has changed thousands of lives and relationships, and it can change yours too.
(39:49):
Visit healedbeing.com to start with some free lessons right away.
If you're looking for a safer way to listen to this show, where all the titles to the episodes are changed, click on the safe
listening button on the podcast page over at loveandabuse.com.
This show exists to remind you that you are not alone and you're not going crazy.
You are worthy of respect, kindness, and love, and you deserve to be accepted exactly as you are.
Welcome to Love and Abuse, the show about navigating the difficult relationship. You deserve respect and kindness.
(00:07):
All the information on this show is meant for educational purposes only.
Always seek a professional for your mental health and well-being, and always pick your battles wisely. I'm your host, Paul Colaianni.
Let me ask you what might seem an unfair question. and that is, if you owned, or if you got, an animal, like a cat or a dog
(00:32):
or whatever, and it was cute, and you loved it, but there was a, just say that you have a cat, and it scratched you in the face every day.
(00:53):
And then later on, it was cute and let you pet it, and it would have these sweet purrs and meows.
And then the next day, it scratched you in the face again.
Or with a dog, it bit your arm every time.
It just bites you, even though it loved you.
And I mean, you know where I'm going.
You know where I'm going with this.
(01:13):
It is very much like a trauma bond.
A trauma bond is you love something so much, yet that person, that thing hurts you.
But you love that person or that animal or whatever, but you are hurt by it.
And the hurt happens almost every day, if not more than once a day.
(01:37):
I had somebody write to me, and they said, um, I have a huge problem. I don't know what to do.
I met the love of my life, and he moved across the country to be with me.
But after he got here, he changed massively.
Both of his exes cheated on him. I'm a bubbly, outgoing, nice person. I'm social. I love my friends. I make new friends.
And some people I talk to are men.
(01:57):
And he's convinced I'm trying to cheat on him. And he accuses me of cheating.
He accuses me of wanting to cheat or seeking male attention to feel better about myself.
He's extremely abusive when accuses me of this. He calls me a slut.
He's telling me that I'm ugly and old and I'm untrustworthy, that I'm not wife material.
(02:18):
Sometimes I could see how he might get the wrong impression.
So I made some changes, but it's only gotten worse.
Two men in the last year have hit on me, and he went through the roof. He blamed me for it.
He told me that they did that because I'm a slut.
I mean, this goes on and it goes on and it goes on.
(02:39):
And he says that she's the abuser, not him.
And he's defending himself against a lying cheater.
And she goes on and says, he explodes at me for all kinds of other reasons.
And he insists that it's always my fault and that my method of abusing him is being imposing and making him uncomfortable and being selfish.
(03:01):
And he says, I'm not the abuser. I'm just putting my foot down.
I don't want to take your crap.
He refuses to be a productive member of our relationship in any way, even refusing to get a real job because quote, I'm just using him for his money.
I can't even, I can't continue reading this. It's just awful.
And this is why I started today's episode with that analogy of getting an animal that hurts you every day.
(03:30):
She started off saying, I met the love of my life.
If this is the love of your life, you have to keep living because this is not love.
This is what you think love looks like, but it doesn't.
And I know this is the animal reference again.
(03:51):
He's loving and caring when he's not abusive.
This is how the trauma bond is formed.
We love someone and we care about them and we developed a trust and a feeling of safety and a feeling of being loved, a feeling
of feeling lovable, feeling worthy, feeling important in someone's life.
(04:15):
And then they scratch your face, they bite your arm.
And when this proverbial injuring happens, many people, maybe you seek justification, seek reasons for it to happen. Maybe I did something wrong.
You might think, maybe I could change like this person. I could change a little bit.
(04:38):
Maybe I'm not dressing conservatively enough and I'm attracting other people who might be attracted to me, who might try to pick me up.
So I'm going to change that about myself just because I care about my partner so much that I will change for that person,
even though this isn't who I want to be. That's what happens.
(05:02):
We change into somebody that we don't want to be because who we have been was probably comfortable for us.
It was probably something that we enjoyed being and doing.
And when somebody causes any type of emotional injury to you, they wound you with their words and their behaviors.
What they're doing is trying to form you into the person they want you to be so that they don't feel uncomfortable or threatened
(05:31):
because of some insecurity, something they have to deal with inside them because it is a them problem, not a you problem.
If she wants to wear something sexy, she should be able to.
She should feel comfortable being herself around this person.
And what he's doing is saying, I'm not comfortable with you being yourself.
(05:56):
So we get into these relationships with people that can really hurt us, but they're so lovable in other ways, but they really hurt us.
And I bring this to your attention in case you need to know, in case you need to hear this, in case this person is listening
right now to make sure that you understand that this is a them problem, in this case a him problem, and not a you problem.
(06:26):
In fact, if you make it a you problem, you will always be unhappy because we get into relationships.
I mean, this is how I see it.
When we get into a romantic relationship, it's because we love the person as they are.
I think that's how it should be.
We get into our relationship because we love the person as they are.
(06:48):
Like promoting somebody in a business or being promoted in a business.
They like who you are showing up as.
They appreciate your work or you appreciate an employee's work.
So you give them a raise, you give them a promotion.
And it's not that once you give them a raise and promotion that you expect more.
(07:10):
I mean, this is the way I look at it.
You don't expect more because you just expect more of the same because they're so great as they are.
So when we get into a romantic relationship, we see the person as they are and say, hey, I would like to share my life with them.
I would like to be with them as they are because who they are is not only acceptable to me, but I love it. And I appreciate them.
(07:36):
And I would love spending time with them as they are.
That to me is a normal, healthy relationship.
It doesn't mean we're not going to talk about things and have incompatibilities and what you like that. I don't like that at all. That's fine.
But what isn't fine is when somebody says, you're not good enough as you are.
(07:59):
I don't want you walking around thinking you're not good enough as you are.
This person who wrote to me, you are perfectly fine as you were. Don't change for him.
If that's who you are, you changing yourself for someone who is being hurtful to you shows that person that it's okay to hurt you to change you.
(08:27):
And there are two problems with that. It's okay to hurt you. That's wrong. It's okay to change you. That's wrong.
Don't show someone that it's okay to hurt you and change you. I'm not blaming you for that.
I'm just saying, if you need to hear this, this is very blunt. I'm sorry.
(08:50):
It's very blunt for me to say you changing for someone else who hurts you is showing them that hurting you is the way you change.
It's showing you that you will change for someone as long as they are hurtful to you. It's positive reinforcement to negative behavior.
(09:10):
And the more we reinforce negative behavior by complying and submitting to it, the more we show that that is how we want to be treated. And again, that's harsh. I know.
And I, I don't mean to victim blame, victim shame. That's not where I'm going.
Where I'm going is if you burn this into your brain, if you take this with you, then if you end up in a situation like this,
(09:40):
you can remind yourself, I deserve to be treated as I am, not as they want me to be.
I deserve to be who I am, not the person they want me to be.
You know, the best changes that we make are for those we love and those we trust and those we feel safe around.
(10:03):
And those kinds of changes typically are the ones that last.
So let's just say that you have a feeling about your weight.
You don't like the way you look.
You don't like how heavy or skinny or whatever you are.
And now you met somebody who loves you just as you are. They love you. They don't care about the weight.
(10:27):
They just love being with you and sharing time with you.
Then you look in the mirror one day and you go, you know, I really want to lose some weight.
I want to feel better about myself.
And this is only if you don't feel good about yourself.
But let's just say you look in the mirror.
I want to feel better about myself, and I think that would be nice for the both of us.
(10:49):
If I look better, maybe they'll find me more attractive.
And again, this isn't because they don't find you attractive.
It's just because you might feel good giving yourself a gift and maybe they'll think it's a gift too. And I'm very careful here.
I'm not saying you should change for someone and I'm not saying this is something that you should consider.
(11:10):
This isn't what I'm talking about at all.
I'm saying that when somebody accepts you as you are, as the person you showed up as on day one of the relationship and they
aren't talking down to you, they aren't putting you down, they aren't making you feel bad about yourself, about the way you
talk, the way you think, your body, the friends you pick, the choices you make, the activities that you do.
(11:36):
If they're not doing any of that and they're fully accepting and they just love you as you are, then what happens is you get your brain to yourself.
And with you and your brain, it sounds a little weird, but with you and your brain on your own, without somebody trying to
(11:57):
manipulate or control or influence you, you get to make your own choices.
And because nobody is trying to control or manipulate you and is allowing you to be yourself, you're going to be alone with
your own thoughts and there won't be any conflict or struggle about somebody else's thoughts.
(12:18):
And when that happens, you get to decide for yourself what you want to do in your life for yourself and maybe even for others.
So when you have the thought of, I want to change for someone, make sure that someone is treating you right, not wrong.
(12:39):
Make sure that someone is not causing you to suffer because changing for someone who causes you to suffer shows them that
in order for them to get the person they want you to be, they have to cause you to suffer.
And when that happens, you will suffer for the rest of your time with them.
(13:02):
That shouldn't be the way a relationship goes.
And I know some of this is painful for a lot of people that are listening right now, and I'm sorry, but I want to make sure that you know you're worthy.
You are worthy of being accepted exactly as you were before you made changes for someone else that didn't deserve those changes.
(13:27):
Someone who hurts you, if you've been hurt by someone, someone who hurts you doesn't deserve to see the quote improved version they want you to be. They don't deserve that.
If you're going to show up for anybody in an improved way, A, it has to be your decision that you come to on your own because
(13:49):
you feel like that's what you want to do for yourself.
And you might appreciate that somebody else would appreciate that in you and about you.
And if somebody is causing you to suffer and causing you to feel bad and making you think really terrible things about yourself,
like you're not worthy and not lovable unless you do this, why would they deserve a new and improved you that they're trying to mold you into?
(14:17):
Even if you want to do these things for yourself, let's just say that you feel tired and sluggish and you've gained some weight
and you don't like that about yourself and your partner mentions it and your partner talks about it and your partner looks
at you when you're eating things that they don't agree with and they want you to do something.
(14:39):
And they might even say it, they want you to do something about it.
And maybe you've looked in the mirror and you want to do something about it, but now you have this other voice in your brain
that's influencing and trying to control you.
How compelled or motivated are you to now do any type of improvement or change in yourself when somebody else can't even support you where you are?
(15:09):
This is something that a lot of emotionally abusive people don't understand is that the more pressure you put on someone to
change, the more likely they'll become the very person they don't want.
I see it over and over again.
It is a self-fulfilling prophecy that the emotional abuser goes through.
If they don't want something that their partner or somebody that they claim to care about, they don't want them to be who
(15:36):
they are and they're trying to change them or change the way they make decisions or the decisions they make.
If they're trying to do something like that, what ends up happening is that the other person feels that control and feels
that pressure and for a number of reasons, won't do the changes that the emotionally abusive person wants them to do.
(15:58):
Not because they don't want to do it for themselves, but because they don't feel motivated or compelled to do it if they feel
down, if they feel bad and they don't have a loving supportive person saying, it's okay what you do either way.
I'm okay with whatever you want to do with your life.
(16:19):
If you want to exercise, if you don't want to exercise, that's up to you because it's your life.
You're an individual that has individual wants and needs and you may or may not want to make changes in your life, but I'm
okay either way because I just love spending time with you.
But that's not what happens in the emotionally abusive relationship.
(16:39):
What happens is you get that voice in your head and they say, I want you to do this and you better do this because you don't
love me if you don't do this.
You'll hear those manipulative controlling words that make you feel bad for not doing what they want and when you feel that
way, it's very difficult to do anything to improve yourself.
(17:00):
In fact, you will likely want to disconnect emotionally or at least distance yourself emotionally so that you can try to process
on your own and protect your heart while they're continuing to make you feel bad and wanting you to change and telling you
everything you need to do to change.
(17:21):
And so this person continued, she said, I'm a shell of a person now.
This is ruining my life, my social life is falling apart.
The endless fighting and harassment is affecting my health. I can't sleep. I cry all the time. It's affecting my job.
I want to leave, but I can't.
I know why he's doing this and I know the beautiful man he can be without it.
(17:43):
I'm worried that if I leave, he'll change and then I'll miss out on the man I know he is.
I don't want to see the good version of him with someone else.
Is there any hope for someone doing this?
I think he knows that the way he's acting is horrible.
He hints at it, but then he immediately throws in, you don't deserve the good me until you earn it.
(18:06):
And then she finishes, my reactions of two years of this have become abusive as well.
Some things I have said in retaliation are horrible. Things that I'll regret saying forever. I know it.
And I'm deeply ashamed who I am is twisting into something ugly and I can feel it.
And she thanked me and yeah, thank you for sharing that.
(18:26):
I'm so sorry you're going through it, but this is the blunt episode.
I want to be blunt with you.
I want you to understand that no one deserves abusive behavior. You do not deserve this.
And the answer to your question is if you leave, will he change?
This is the irony sometimes is that when we stay in an abusive relationship, they don't change because of the positive reinforcement they're getting.
(18:53):
I mean, that's not the best term, but what's happening is he sees that there is no accountability for his behavior. And you may think there's accountability.
Maybe you withhold sex or you withhold talking and connecting with him.
And you think that that's enough of a message to show him that the way he's treating you is bad.
(19:17):
The problem is with many emotionally abusive people is that they will not stop behaving that way until they understand that
their behaviors will and do drive people away.
And until that person goes away, they don't change.
(19:37):
Now it does happen when they seek help.
If he sought help and you know, goes to my program, healed being or finds a therapist or whatever he needs to do.
If he sought help, he could start changing while in the relationship.
But I have worked with way too many people, way too emotionally abusive people who are deep down, wonderfully compassionate,
(20:01):
supportive, loving people inside, but have all this, all these extra layers of unhealthy coping mechanisms.
And they don't want to deal with their emotions.
So they push people away by being hurtful to them and anything they can't deal with, they make you deal with.
So they make you deal with their unhealed stuff and they keep pushing it on you and pushing it on you.
(20:23):
And you will suffer and you will become a shell of your former self.
And because you haven't left, which is my point here, because you haven't left, they don't think their behavior was bad enough. That's the thought.
I hate to throw that on anyone right now, but because there is no real threat of you leaving, and it's not really a threat, it's a fact.
(20:48):
If you make it a fact, I'm leaving because I can't take this behavior anymore.
That's when it hits most of them, not all of them.
Some people just want to be right and just want to be dominating and controlling and have power over you the whole time.
Even if you dare to leave and they'll just blame you for everything, even after you left, saying that you broke up the family,
(21:13):
you're the cause of the problems in this relationship, and they just won't get off that high horse.
But what ends up happening in most cases in the emotionally abusive relationship is that when the person being victimized
finally says, I've had enough, I've reached my limit, I've reached my threshold, this has to stop or I'm gone.
(21:35):
That is when they finally get it.
When they finally realize, oh, there is accountability for my behavior. Oh, it is serious. You really are affected. I know it sounds strange.
How could they not tell that you were affected? You were crying.
You spent the night at your sister's, your mom's, whatever. You slept on the couch, whatever.
(21:59):
It wasn't enough because they didn't change.
So the accountability behaviors that we sometimes do will never be enough for some people.
They have to know that the recipient of their behavior has their own voice and can make their own decisions and has every right to follow their own path.
(22:22):
And when that person says, I've had enough, I'm not going to take it anymore, And it hits them like a ton of bricks.
And then they say something like, well, why didn't you tell me before? Which is ridiculous.
We know this because you've told them many, many times in many, many ways.
And why isn't my crying and my pain and my hurt enough for you to change?
(22:46):
And the one I hear over and over again is, if you loved me, why would you do this to me? Because that's what they'll say. I love you. Please don't leave. I love you. I love you.
If you love me, why would you do this to me?
I don't know, but I'll never do it again.
And by then you've reached that point, what I call the threshold. You've reached your threshold. That's it.
(23:07):
You're either going to jump off the ledge or you're going to save yourself.
You don't want to jump off the ledge. You want to save yourself.
You don't want to be in that space anymore.
You don't want to get scratched in the face anymore, using the cat analogy, or get bit anymore.
The cat and the dog can bite.
You don't want to be in that position.
(23:28):
You don't want to stay with somebody who loves you and hurts you. And that's not love.
Just reminding you, when somebody hurts you and they say they love you, they have the wrong definition of love and you may
have the wrong perception of what love is supposed to be.
I look at love as supporting someone else's path to happiness, their decisions that make them happy, supporting who they are,
(23:54):
accepting them, the person they are, accepting them 100%, even if you don't like some quirks and nuances or even some major
stuff, but loving somebody is accepting them.
It is showing them that they are okay as is.
And so when you don't feel that, when you don't feel that from somebody and you're feeling quite the opposite, that's when it becomes toxic.
(24:18):
That's when it becomes hurtful, abusive, and you will become a shell of your former self, as this person says, and so many others before her have said.
This person who wrote to me, her partner, he will not stop.
Let me just give you my crystal ball prediction.
Let's just say that you do break up and protect yourself.
And he says, well, you know, I'll be blunt again, F her. She's a slut anyway.
(24:42):
And that's probably what he's going to say. And obviously she has problems. So I'm glad she's gone.
And then he gets into another relationship.
That next person is going to suffer just as much, if not more, because the way he's going to change is if he seeks help.
And let's just say that you do leave and he does figure out that he needs help.
(25:03):
He would probably never get to that point if you didn't leave.
And I know that sounds like I'm putting the pressure on you for him to change. That's not it at all.
I'm just saying that as long as you're in the relationship, he'll realize that his behavior isn't bad enough. Otherwise you would have left. That's his perspective.
I know this perspective Well it used to be my perspective a long time ago. That's how I felt. Well, it can't be bad enough. She's still here.
(25:31):
So I guess I'll work on it, but there's really no big deal because I can just take my time working on my own behaviors because she's still here.
Eight years later, a divorce because I kept telling her I'm working on it. I'm working on it. You're right.
I'm working on it, but I never really worked on it.
I thought I was doing it, but I didn't realize how bad it was until she wanted a divorce.
(25:55):
I admit my own ignorance, my own lack of empathy, my own uncaring, unsupportive, unloving ways. That's who I used to be.
And I needed people to leave me.
I needed to have relationships where they looked at me and said, I can't. take it anymore. I'm leaving you.
I needed that to happen to me for me to start my healing.
(26:19):
I am so grateful for people leaving me.
I don't know if this helps this person, because when you're really attached to someone and you might have a fear of being
alone or fear of being abandoned, you have insecurities that you need to deal with.
It's hard to leave somebody when you have those dependencies on another person for your happiness, for your well-being.
(26:44):
It's those dependencies we have to work on.
It's those insecurities that we have to work on.
So we don't keep that scratchy cat and that bitey dog in our life, day after day, doing their worst while we say, but we love them.
And again, that's unfair because cats and dogs are wonderful. That's an unfair comparison.
(27:09):
And I'm not saying get rid of the cat or dog.
I'm not saying that at all, because most of them are just unconditionally loving and they're not going to do this thing.
But I wanted to paint that picture to help clarify what a trauma bond can do to someone.
They can make you keep another person in your life because you love the parts you love. You hate the parts you hate.
(27:32):
You cry about the parts you hate.
You suffer from the parts you hate.
And believe me, the parts that you don't like in another person, 98% of the time, that's what you're experiencing inside of yourself.
That 2% that, oh, they showed up so wonderfully today.
(27:53):
They gave me a kiss and they never do that in the morning.
And they brought me to lunch and it was wonderful. We just had a wonderful day.
And for many people, that one day is the one day that sticks out and stays with them and they hope that it happens again and again.
But 98% of the time, what's on your mind?
(28:13):
What's on your mind is I hope they don't do that again.
I hope I don't make them upset.
I hope they don't yell at me or put me down or call me fat or call me too skinny or call me ugly or call me a slut.
All of that can be floating around in your head all the time.
(28:34):
And when that happens, what kind of relationship are you in?
You might be waiting for the other person to change and maybe someday they will, but they have to have the desire. They have to have the empathy.
They have to have the humility and the vulnerability to step into a space where they finally say, Oh my God, I've been hurting you all this time. I feel sick to my stomach.
(28:59):
I can't believe I've been doing this. I've seen that happen.
It happened to me and it happens to so many people I work with.
They just get to this point where they feel sick. They feel shame.
I can't believe I treated somebody that I'm supposed to love like that.
I can't believe I've been doing that for years now.
(29:22):
I don't want to ever be that person again.
That's what you need to see in someone who really wants to change.
You don't want to listen to, Yeah, you're right.
I probably do need to change because that's just talk.
And how many times do people talk and not follow through?
When somebody really understands they need to change, they stop.
(29:46):
They stop in their tracks and say, Oh, you know what I said?
Oh my God, I can't believe I've been doing this the whole time. I'm just realizing it now.
Again, it's like, why are you realizing it now? Can't you see the tears?
Can't you see all the suffering I went through? Those are valid questions.
But that's the light bulb moment for most of them.
(30:08):
Most people who are being abusive, who realize, who suddenly realize that their behavior is wrong, is hurtful and very toxic,
they usually have a light bulb moment because they step into empathy for the first time, like full empathy, like, Oh, I would
not want to be treated like that.
Now I feel sick because that's what I've been doing.
(30:30):
That's when you know there's some real change.
I mean, unless they're trying to fake it, but faking it doesn't last.
That's the best part of this is somebody can listen to this and go, Oh, I'll just pretend that I feel shame and guilt.
They'll try it for a day or two.
And then on day three, they're back to who they were because they faked it and they haven't dealt with their coping mechanisms
(30:52):
and they haven't dealt with their insecurities and their dysfunctions. They haven't worked on that stuff.
And so any changes that you saw aren't real. That's how you can tell.
You just wait a few days and see where they go.
Wait a few weeks, see where they go.
Maybe some people can fake it longer, but it takes a while just to continue watching their behavior and any changes that you
(31:13):
see, you continue watching those changes until you get to a point where you realize, Oh, they really are changing and they do act differently.
And I'm not used to feeling comfortable around them.
I'm not used to not worrying about what I say or think. That's really strange.
You will feel strange when somebody who has been abusive towards you actually stops being abusive. You will feel completely different.
(31:38):
So I'm going to wrap this up and tell the person who wrote that this is not the love of your life.
The person who is there right now in your life is not the love of your life.
You may be upset at me for saying that, but this is not what love looks like. They are a big lesson.
They are somebody that may have brought some joy to your life or a lot of joy, but the 98% of pain and suffering that you're
(32:05):
going through, this is not what life is about.
This is not what relationships are about. This is a life lesson.
This is something we can look at and go, I will never be treated like that again.
I will never get into a relationship with somebody like that again. Because here's the light.
(32:30):
And he decides, Oh my God, I got to heal. I got to work on this.
That doesn't mean that your relationship can't have another chance.
But in order to get to that chance, you do have to go through the big breakdown before the breakthrough.
That's how I see it almost every time.
(32:50):
There has to be a real thread of accountability.
And that real thread is usually, I can't take it anymore. I'm leaving. I'll see you later. Or I'm going to take break. I can't take this anymore.
I got to take a break from you. And then hopefully they'll get it.
Now I'm not saying that this relationship will eventually get back together if he finds healing, because after you have some
(33:11):
time to yourself without him influencing you, without him taking up that 98% of the time thinking about things in your brain,
after he's out of your brain for a while, you'll be able to understand what's happening.
(33:31):
Because when you're in the trauma bond, you're still in the fog. You're still in a confused state.
You're still trying to make the other person happy or trying to conform to what they want.
Or you believe that maybe they're right about some of the things that you need to do.
So you're doing those things or you're going in that direction.
(33:51):
And when the fog lifts, this is what happened to my mom. I watched it in real time.
When the fog lifts, she got divorced.
And within two months, she was still saying, well, I'd invite him back in if he came back.
And I said, mom, he's been abusing you for 40 years. What?
And she said, yeah, I don't know. You know, I probably would. And I'll never forget.
(34:15):
Two months later, it took her two months.
It typically takes about two to four months.
And from what I've seen for the fog to lift.
So about two months later, she said to me, remember when you asked me if I would take him back?
And when I asked, I was actually joking because I thought she'd say, hell no.
But she actually said, well, I might.
And she asked me, well, remember when you asked that question? And I said, yes, I might. I'm going to say this.
(34:42):
I'm going to have to bleep it out.
She says, I don't know what the I was thinking.
She said, I would take him back.
I can't believe I ever said that. So the fog lifted for her.
She finally was able to think clearly and look into the past of what her 40 years of him was like and realized that she never wanted to experience that again.
(35:07):
She wanted not only 2% of enjoyment.
She wanted a hundred percent of her life back. 98% of the time she was always worried about him and worried about making sure
that he doesn't get drunk and smash something or hurt her again.
She was in that constant state and she didn't even realize that she was in that constant state.
(35:30):
I mean, she might've known, but she didn't realize it was so unhealthy and so detrimental to her happiness because she was so used to it. It was her new normal.
She just probably figured this is how relationships are and you just take the bad with the good.
And so she said, I would never take him back.
(35:51):
I don't know what I was thinking.
And I said, oh, oh, that's good. I'm glad you said that.
That moment was pivotal to me because I started, I started taking notes about people who leave relationships, who want to
go back into the abusive relationship and finding out that about two to four months, they get their own light bulb moment because the fog finally lifted.
(36:19):
The fog is all the confusion and the thoughts and the fears and the worries and or maybe I'm doing something wrong and all
the, all the toxicity that has been there for the length of time you were in the relationship.
When that lifts, you get yourself back.
You get to reconnect with who you were and that person is still in there.
(36:44):
And when you can't find that person, because it does happen when you lose yourself so much and you are a shell of your self,
you may have to rebuild who you want to be, which means starting from scratch.
I know that that doesn't sound very good, but it's a lot better than being in such a bad situation that you are continually
(37:06):
hollowed out emotionally where you do turn into that shell of your former self.
And when you're in that space and you've got nothing left, that is often the breaking point for many people. I've got nothing left. There's, there's no more meaning. There's no more purpose. There's no more happiness. What's the point?
And then you get to that point where you feel like a shell and you decide, I don't want this anymore because you are still
(37:33):
in there and you may need to rebuild yourself from the ground up, but the core of who you are is still there.
And that's a wonderful thing because the core of who you are is the genuine article.
It is the wonderfully lovable, worthy version of you that will probably need a lot of healing as you go through this, but
(37:54):
as you heal, you're not being constantly oppressed.
When you're oppressed, you get pushed aside.
When you're not, when you're allowed to be yourself, you get to blossom.
To the person who wrote, I want to say that I'm so sorry that you went through all this.
The reactions that you're that's called reactive abuse. I have an episode on that. It just happens.
(38:18):
We become abusive to the abuser because they won't listen to anything else we have to say.
So we have to talk their language. That's called reactive abuse.
And I totally simplified it, but that's, that's what it looks like.
And so you aren't the problem here.
That person, that person that has been doing this to you is the problem.
(38:39):
And 98% of your message tells me that 98% of your life is terrible with this person.
So you may have to rebuild who you are and know that you deserve better.
And know that even though he has some heart and you've had some good times, and maybe there were great times that just because
(39:02):
he's a cute little puppy or doggy, you don't deserve to get bit or scratched every single day. You don't deserve that. Thanks for listening.
Share this with someone who might benefit.
Love and abuse is the official podcast of the mean workbook, an assessment and healing guide for difficult relationships.
The workbook contains a 200 point assessment to tell you exactly what's causing you to leave so many interactions, feeling
(39:25):
bad, gain clarity on your relationship today, visit loveandabuse.com for more information.
And if you've discovered that you are doing hurtful behaviors to someone that you care about, and you want to change that
about yourself, sign up for the only program that walks you through the entire process of healing from being emotionally abusive.
That can be your light bulb moment.
If you're listening, it has changed thousands of lives and relationships, and it can change yours too.
(39:49):
Visit healedbeing.com to start with some free lessons right away.
If you're looking for a safer way to listen to this show, where all the titles to the episodes are changed, click on the safe
listening button on the podcast page over at loveandabuse.com.
This show exists to remind you that you are not alone and you're not going crazy.
You are worthy of respect, kindness, and love, and you deserve to be accepted exactly as you are.
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