March 26, 2025 • 25 mins
"Everything's great with me," they say, as you sit there staring, confused, wondering what the hell you're missing because you're having a completely different experience as them. When is a relationship not an actual relationship anymore?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to Love and Abuse, the show about navigating the difficult relationship.
(00:05):
From simple disagreements to emotionally abusive behaviors, you deserve respect and kindness.
All the information on this show is meant for educational purposes only.
Always seek a professional for your mental health and well-being, and always pick your battles wisely. I'm your host, Paul Colaianni.
(00:25):
If one of you says that things are going great, and the other one says no, they're not, then they're not.
If one person in the relationship says, things are fine, what's the problem?" And the other person says, "I'm having these challenges. I'm upset. I'm unhappy.
(00:45):
I'm sad." Or "I'm confused." And the other person says, you shouldn't be confused. There's nothing to be confused about. There's nothing to worry about. There's nothing to be upset about.
What's your problem?" Then there's a problem. There's a problem in the relationship.
(01:05):
I had somebody write to me and say, "I'm having an issue with my wife.
I'm seeing behaviors of threatening verbal abuse, yelling." And I really thought for the longest time that I'm just not good enough as a husband.
And that's what she was telling him.
And I have tried to make my feelings known, he goes on to say.
(01:26):
And I've told her that these things really hurt me.
But she gets defensive and says, "I need to let those things go." And I'm just making a big deal when everything is going great.
She never sees my feelings as real. And I've been really hurt.
I've told her that this relationship, in order for it to last, I would like to start therapy.
(01:49):
She was defensive at first, but I wasn't willing to budge on this.
And she said, okay we'll start it." But now she's saying that I'm being hurtful by making my feelings known about when I'm hurt.
And she's saying I'm forcing her to do therapy and I'm being just like her now. Is me doing this not right?
(02:11):
That's the last thing he said, or the last thing he asked.
And what's interesting is the last thing that she said in this person's message is that he's being just like her now, which
tells me she's aware of her own bad behaviors.
(02:33):
And if she's aware of her own bad behaviors and saying, well you're just doing what I'm doing," then it's clear she knows what's going on. And she wants to control you.
She wants to keep her power over you.
And she doesn't want to do what's right for both of you, for the relationship, for you, or all three of you, the relationship, you, and herself.
If you haven't heard me talk about that before, a relationship, I believe, is three entities (03:01):
you, the other person, and you
as a couple, if it's a romantic relationship, or you as two people involved in some sort of agreement.
We are friends, we are partners, we are family, three entities in a typical relationship.
(03:27):
So if she were to go to therapy, if they were to attend therapy, maybe together or apart, I would see that as working on yourself
for yourself, working on yourself for the other person, and working on the relationship.
Because as you improve yourself, you contribute to the relationship, this newer, improved version of you.
(03:53):
As you improve yourself, you contribute to the other person's life as this newer, improved version of you.
And so it works out that when one or both people go to therapy or talk with a friend or reflect on how they've behaved and
start making changes, therapy or no, then you should start seeing changes in the relationship. Maybe not improvements, but certainly changes.
(04:23):
Because when you are reflecting on the behaviors, when you're reflecting on what you say and how you make other people feel,
and you start changing those things, then other people respond to it typically.
And then because the other person responds, the relationship changes.
The three entities end up changing and hopefully improving.
(04:48):
They don't always improve, but that is the hope.
So when you're with somebody who doesn't want to change, then the relationship typically doesn't change.
This is also why I say, if you're with somebody who is abusive, emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, whatever,
(05:10):
and they haven't changed up to this point, they won't.
Which means if you want to see change in a relationship like this, you are the one who has to do it.
I hate to lay that on you, if you're the victim in this type of relationship.
But if the other person hasn't done it up to this point, you have to accept that they won't. They are comfortable as is.
(05:37):
You know how we buy something used and it's as is?
This is what we get in a relationship.
We are accepting the person as is, or at least it's a lot easier in general if we accept that they come as is.
They are as they are and they are not going to change.
(05:57):
You can always tell when somebody's going to change, if that is their MO.
If somebody learns something about themselves and says, wow I really don't like that about myself, I'm going to improve that."
Or "I'm going to work on healing it. I'm going to work on myself.
I'm going to reflect on my own behaviors." If that's what they do, then looking to find change in them, looking for change
(06:27):
in them, that would make sense because that's what they've done in the past.
They figured something out or you commented on something and they said, oh I don't really like being that way." Or "I don't like hurting you.
I don't want to hurt you." So I'll change that or I'll work on that in myself.
And then they actually make the change.
(06:48):
When that happens, you know they are capable of doing it.
So the possibility of them doing it again is high or medium to high.
There's a better possibility that they will improve, they will change, and then the relationship can improve as a whole.
But if they haven't done that or they're not the type of person who does that, don't expect it.
(07:12):
I know someone who has never apologized in his life for anything.
He has never taken responsibility for something that went wrong that he caused. He has never taken responsibility.
So somebody in a relationship with him will experience that and should accept him as is. Because that's who he is. At least that's who he's been.
(07:40):
And we can't expect someone to change who they've been unless something major happens that alters their perspective or shifts their reality.
Typically that is like in a romantic relationship when you say, look I've had enough and I'm leaving." That shifts their reality
(08:01):
enough for them to finally maybe come to a conclusion that perhaps possibly they have something to do with you leaving.
When they accept that and they start reflecting on their own behaviors, that can make a change.
That's why I see 99% of the people that joined my healed being program for emotionally abusive people who want to heal and change.
(08:29):
When they joined the program, it's typically because their paradigm, their reality shifted.
It shifted so greatly that they realized, oh crap, I am doing this and I do need to take responsibility for it.
And I do need to make changes." Most people who join typically aren't joining because they just experienced a light bulb moment on their own.
(08:57):
It's because something happened in their reality that made them realize that if they don't change, they're going to lose very
important people in their life or a very important person in their life.
So they think, oh crap, maybe this is my fault.
Maybe I am the cause of some or most or all of the problems in the relationship." And because of that, because now I see there
(09:25):
are true consequences for my behaviors and I may not have considered them before.
Or if I did, I didn't think it was important enough to make changes. So I didn't make a change.
But now that this is really happening, some people hearing this for the first time think, what "What?
Why wouldn't they know that them hurting someone else would make them leave?" Some people don't.
(09:49):
They just keep moving forward because the other person's still there.
And so that's why sometimes there has to be some huge paradigm shift, some change in their reality that makes them understand
that going forward, things are going to be a lot different and not as they want.
(10:10):
Because a lot of abusive people are in relationships with other people they claim to care about, treat them like crap.
But they claim to care about them, but don't treat them like they care about them.
And because of that, the person they mistreat or the person they're hurting, the relationship they're damaging, will eventually
(10:35):
get to the point where it cannot be sustained.
The person cannot sustain a relationship like that.
And the relationship cannot survive a person who cannot sustain being treated like that.
And eventually the relationship has no choice but to fall apart.
And when somebody is unhappy in a relationship and there is no growth, there is no strengthening of the bond, and it's only
(11:07):
the bond being chipped away at, typically on a daily basis, it's only a matter of time.
And so somebody like this writes to me and says, "I'm being yelled at and I'm told I'm not a good spouse." And then I offer,
let's go to therapy and improve things." And the partner says, okay but then says, no I don't want to go to therapy and you're
(11:32):
being hurtful." So they turn it around.
When the point of going to therapy is to improve things, even if you don't think there's a problem, if one person thinks there's a problem, there's a problem.
If one person is unhappy, the relationship is unhappy.
(11:53):
If one person thinks things are great and the other person thinks they are not, they are not. The negative side always wins.
The negative feelings, the negative thoughts always wins in a relationship.
So the person who thinks things are great when their partner or whoever it is, says they are not, has to default to they are not.
(12:23):
And that person who thinks things are great has to step out of their ego, out of their box of thinking, and step into empathy.
And even if things look good on the outside, however they define that, even if things look good to them, if the other person
is unhappy, if the other person is experiencing difficulties, then there are difficulties.
(12:48):
And that person needs to step outside the box of their thinking so that they can understand that there is a bigger problem that they're not addressing.
And that bigger problem will be like rust that forms on metal.
The rust that starts to disintegrate the metal. And that rust slowly forms. You can't see it every day.
(13:12):
You only know that you see the signs of it. Like there's a sign of rust.
There's a little bubble in the paint.
And then that bubble disappears and you see that dark rusty reddish color underneath.
And then a hole forms because the rust is eating away or whatever rust does to metal. It's disintegrating the metal.
(13:36):
And this is what happens in a relationship that doesn't address one person's issues, one person's challenges.
And of course, I personally challenge the other person who thinks things are great.
If I ask what makes them great, they're going to say, well I don't have any problems." Well, does the other person have problems?
(13:56):
"Well, yeah, but that's their problems," Most likely what they'd say.
And then I would ask, well how does that make the relationship great?" That sounds like one person on a seesaw.
That sounds like one person who can't have any fun because the seesaw has nobody to balance it. Yes, relationships require some balance.
(14:19):
And when you have two people on a seesaw, there's at least a give and take. There's an up and down.
And most relationships, most healthier relationships experience the ups and downs.
But then there's a homeostatic state in the middle where you can kind of balance things out and cooperate and get along.
(14:39):
And then you might actually have fun.
But what if one person wasn't having fun and they got off the seesaw? How is that great?
How is the other person on the seesaw going to say, things are great.
The relationship is great." When they can't even move now, they're just stuck.
Maybe they'll say, "I'm still having fun. I'm on the seesaw.
(15:01):
I'm just sitting down on the ground, but I'm still having fun.
It's okay with me." What's the point of the other person then?
What's the point of having somebody else in your life?
And I'm not necessarily talking to the people who listen to this show, but in general, maybe I'm speaking for somebody who's
listening to this show right now, asking the question, what's the point of having you in my life if I'm unhappy and you seem fine?" What's the point?
(15:28):
If you don't need me to be happy, then what's the point of having me around?
If you don't care, if I'm unhappy or if I'm crying, or if I'm too sensitive, as you say, or I can't take a joke, as you say, then what's the point?
I'm not saying you should have that conversation, but these are the kinds of thoughts that might go through your head.
(15:53):
If you're in a relationship like that, might go through this person who wrote to me, they might go through his head.
He says that she said I'm forcing her to do therapy and I'm being just like her now. Is that me doing something wrong? No.
My answer to this person is no, you're not doing anything wrong.
And are you making a big deal of things?
(16:15):
You should make a big deal of things because this is a big deal. That's what he asked.
Am I making a big deal of things when everything is going great? No, everything is not going great.
If everything was going great, then you'd both be fine.
But because there's an imbalance here, it's not going great.
That's why you said you wanted to go to therapy.
(16:38):
You actually want to improve the relationship.
You want both of you to be happy.
That would be a good question for her.
Do you want both of us to be happy? Because I'm not.
And if I'm not happy, then we should work on that together because we're in a relationship.
She may say, well you're the broken one. You're the problem.
(17:02):
So you fix yourself." Here's the thing. A, she's right and she's wrong. She's right.
In this case, I'm just making up a scenario here.
But if this were to happen, if she said that, you go fix yourself, which happens in a lot of relationships, somebody will say that.
You go fix yourself, you go heal yourself, you go to therapy.
(17:25):
If and when you decide to do that for yourself, then what ends up happening is you start learning who you are. You start reconnecting with yourself again.
You start understanding that you're not as bad as they say you are, or you're not as sensitive or misunderstanding things.
(17:45):
And you're not any of those things.
You start realizing that you're a lot better than they say you are.
And when you start feeling better about yourself, you get more clarity on what's really going on in the relationship.
So they're not wrong for saying you should probably work on yourself, but they are wrong when they say that at the same time,
(18:10):
because a relationship is two people, at a minimum.
There are other types of relationships, but in general, two people make up a relationship.
So two people should work on it.
And if one person looks at the relationship and says everything is fine, and everything is not fine with the other person,
(18:30):
then the person who thinks things are fine is either dense, or is trying to gaslight, trying to confuse the other person,
trying to change their reality, and or doesn't want things to change.
Because as soon as the relationship balances out, and both people have a say, and both people have to take responsibility
(18:52):
for their own behaviors, for their own words, then doing hurtful or harmful or abusive behavior has consequences. And abusive people don't want consequences.
They want you to continue focusing on yourself and dealing with your own stuff.
Go fix yourself, they'll say, so that they don't have to deal with their own stuff.
(19:15):
Because if they have to deal with their own stuff, that means they have to change.
And if they have to change, they may lose their power over you, they may lose control of you.
And hurtful, harmful, abusive people do not want to lose their power, do not want to lose control, and especially do not want
to be responsible for their own bad behaviors.
(19:37):
Which is why they will almost always turn it around and make everything about you, make everything going wrong, your fault,
and make you believe that you're causing it.
And I know nothing I'm saying today is giving you any happy feelings.
It's not that type of episode, unfortunately.
But I say these things to empower you.
(20:01):
I say these things so that you know you're not going crazy.
So that you know that there's something bigger going on that either you don't recognize or you are starting to recognize.
And you just want maybe perhaps some validation or direction. And knowledge is that validation. Knowledge is that direction.
(20:23):
Because once you know something is happening, then you can make a decision from a more grounded, more informed place.
So whatever decision you need to make, whether that's having a conversation with somebody who believes they're right and believes
everything is great, and that conversation could be just you saying, well I don't think things are great.
(20:48):
So we need to work on that." And if they turn it back on you and say, well you need to work on that," then that tells you
that they don't want to go through this together.
And if they don't want to go through it together, it's no longer a relationship.
And that might lead to a harder decision.
(21:10):
When my wife says something's wrong with her, I'm taking responsibility for it. It doesn't mean I caused it.
It just means I'm part of this as a challenge that we're going to go through together. I could have caused it. I don't know yet.
We're going to have a conversation on it.
But if I did cause it, I want to talk about it.
Or even if I didn't cause it, I want to talk about it because I hate seeing her unhappy. And I love seeing her happy.
(21:38):
I can't look at it any other way.
I can't look at a romantic relationship any other way than somebody who looks at their partner and says, "I really want to
see you happy." And I support the decisions you make that make you happy.
And if those decisions aren't making you happy, it bothers me.
Or if you've made a decision that makes you unhappy or hurt you, that bothers me.
(22:03):
If I've made a decision that makes you unhappy or hurt you, that bothers me.
It bothers me when she's unhappy, when she's upset, when she's angry, because we're in this together.
So when I get messages like this, where somebody starts off by saying, my partner is threatening me, verbally abusing me,
(22:30):
yelling, and telling me I'm not good enough," or saying things that make me feel bad.
And they said that I need to let all that stuff that they said about me go.
I look at something like this and I say, that's not what a relationship is about." That's not two people facing challenges
(22:50):
together and walking hand in hand toward the sunset, overcoming obstacles together.
And then when one person stubs their toe, the other person says, oh my god, are you okay?
Let me help." That is the most basic structure of love, connection, and happiness I can think of.
(23:12):
It is the foundation of almost every healthy, strong relationship, where when one person is sad or upset or confused or angry,
the other person wants them to feel better.
Even if they caused it, even if there was a situation that arose that they got into an argument or whatever, the bigger picture
(23:36):
is, how can we get through this now?
Because I don't want you to feel that way.
Instead of this person's message, where he asks, am I doing something wrong?" No, that's my answer to you. No, you're not doing anything wrong. I hope this helps.
Share this with others who might benefit.
(23:57):
Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The Mean Workbook, an assessment and healing guide for difficult relationships.
The workbook contains a 200-point assessment to tell you exactly what's causing you to leave so many interactions feeling bad.
Gain clarity on your relationship today by visiting loveandabuse.com to get the workbook or listen to more episodes of Love and Abuse.
If you've discovered that you are doing hurtful behaviors to someone that you care about, and you want to change that about
(24:23):
yourself, sign up for the only program that walks you through the entire process of healing from being emotionally abusive.
It has already changed thousands of lives and relationships, and it can change yours too.
Visit healedbeing.com to start the free lessons right away.
And if you're looking for a safer way to listen to this show where all the titles to the episodes are changed, click on the
(24:43):
safe listening button on the podcast page over at loveandabuse.com.
This show exists to remind you that you are not alone and you're not going crazy.
You are worthy of respect, kindness, and love, and you deserve to be accepted exactly as you are. Stay strong.
(25:05):
We'll talk again soon
Welcome to Love and Abuse, the show about navigating the difficult relationship.
(00:05):
From simple disagreements to emotionally abusive behaviors, you deserve respect and kindness.
All the information on this show is meant for educational purposes only.
Always seek a professional for your mental health and well-being, and always pick your battles wisely. I'm your host, Paul Colaianni.
(00:25):
If one of you says that things are going great, and the other one says no, they're not, then they're not.
If one person in the relationship says, things are fine, what's the problem?" And the other person says, "I'm having these challenges. I'm upset. I'm unhappy.
(00:45):
I'm sad." Or "I'm confused." And the other person says, you shouldn't be confused. There's nothing to be confused about. There's nothing to worry about. There's nothing to be upset about.
What's your problem?" Then there's a problem. There's a problem in the relationship.
(01:05):
I had somebody write to me and say, "I'm having an issue with my wife.
I'm seeing behaviors of threatening verbal abuse, yelling." And I really thought for the longest time that I'm just not good enough as a husband.
And that's what she was telling him.
And I have tried to make my feelings known, he goes on to say.
(01:26):
And I've told her that these things really hurt me.
But she gets defensive and says, "I need to let those things go." And I'm just making a big deal when everything is going great.
She never sees my feelings as real. And I've been really hurt.
I've told her that this relationship, in order for it to last, I would like to start therapy.
(01:49):
She was defensive at first, but I wasn't willing to budge on this.
And she said, okay we'll start it." But now she's saying that I'm being hurtful by making my feelings known about when I'm hurt.
And she's saying I'm forcing her to do therapy and I'm being just like her now. Is me doing this not right?
(02:11):
That's the last thing he said, or the last thing he asked.
And what's interesting is the last thing that she said in this person's message is that he's being just like her now, which
tells me she's aware of her own bad behaviors.
(02:33):
And if she's aware of her own bad behaviors and saying, well you're just doing what I'm doing," then it's clear she knows what's going on. And she wants to control you.
She wants to keep her power over you.
And she doesn't want to do what's right for both of you, for the relationship, for you, or all three of you, the relationship, you, and herself.
If you haven't heard me talk about that before, a relationship, I believe, is three entities (03:01):
you, the other person, and you
as a couple, if it's a romantic relationship, or you as two people involved in some sort of agreement.
We are friends, we are partners, we are family, three entities in a typical relationship.
(03:27):
So if she were to go to therapy, if they were to attend therapy, maybe together or apart, I would see that as working on yourself
for yourself, working on yourself for the other person, and working on the relationship.
Because as you improve yourself, you contribute to the relationship, this newer, improved version of you.
(03:53):
As you improve yourself, you contribute to the other person's life as this newer, improved version of you.
And so it works out that when one or both people go to therapy or talk with a friend or reflect on how they've behaved and
start making changes, therapy or no, then you should start seeing changes in the relationship. Maybe not improvements, but certainly changes.
(04:23):
Because when you are reflecting on the behaviors, when you're reflecting on what you say and how you make other people feel,
and you start changing those things, then other people respond to it typically.
And then because the other person responds, the relationship changes.
The three entities end up changing and hopefully improving.
(04:48):
They don't always improve, but that is the hope.
So when you're with somebody who doesn't want to change, then the relationship typically doesn't change.
This is also why I say, if you're with somebody who is abusive, emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, whatever,
(05:10):
and they haven't changed up to this point, they won't.
Which means if you want to see change in a relationship like this, you are the one who has to do it.
I hate to lay that on you, if you're the victim in this type of relationship.
But if the other person hasn't done it up to this point, you have to accept that they won't. They are comfortable as is.
(05:37):
You know how we buy something used and it's as is?
This is what we get in a relationship.
We are accepting the person as is, or at least it's a lot easier in general if we accept that they come as is.
They are as they are and they are not going to change.
(05:57):
You can always tell when somebody's going to change, if that is their MO.
If somebody learns something about themselves and says, wow I really don't like that about myself, I'm going to improve that."
Or "I'm going to work on healing it. I'm going to work on myself.
I'm going to reflect on my own behaviors." If that's what they do, then looking to find change in them, looking for change
(06:27):
in them, that would make sense because that's what they've done in the past.
They figured something out or you commented on something and they said, oh I don't really like being that way." Or "I don't like hurting you.
I don't want to hurt you." So I'll change that or I'll work on that in myself.
And then they actually make the change.
(06:48):
When that happens, you know they are capable of doing it.
So the possibility of them doing it again is high or medium to high.
There's a better possibility that they will improve, they will change, and then the relationship can improve as a whole.
But if they haven't done that or they're not the type of person who does that, don't expect it.
(07:12):
I know someone who has never apologized in his life for anything.
He has never taken responsibility for something that went wrong that he caused. He has never taken responsibility.
So somebody in a relationship with him will experience that and should accept him as is. Because that's who he is. At least that's who he's been.
(07:40):
And we can't expect someone to change who they've been unless something major happens that alters their perspective or shifts their reality.
Typically that is like in a romantic relationship when you say, look I've had enough and I'm leaving." That shifts their reality
(08:01):
enough for them to finally maybe come to a conclusion that perhaps possibly they have something to do with you leaving.
When they accept that and they start reflecting on their own behaviors, that can make a change.
That's why I see 99% of the people that joined my healed being program for emotionally abusive people who want to heal and change.
(08:29):
When they joined the program, it's typically because their paradigm, their reality shifted.
It shifted so greatly that they realized, oh crap, I am doing this and I do need to take responsibility for it.
And I do need to make changes." Most people who join typically aren't joining because they just experienced a light bulb moment on their own.
(08:57):
It's because something happened in their reality that made them realize that if they don't change, they're going to lose very
important people in their life or a very important person in their life.
So they think, oh crap, maybe this is my fault.
Maybe I am the cause of some or most or all of the problems in the relationship." And because of that, because now I see there
(09:25):
are true consequences for my behaviors and I may not have considered them before.
Or if I did, I didn't think it was important enough to make changes. So I didn't make a change.
But now that this is really happening, some people hearing this for the first time think, what "What?
Why wouldn't they know that them hurting someone else would make them leave?" Some people don't.
(09:49):
They just keep moving forward because the other person's still there.
And so that's why sometimes there has to be some huge paradigm shift, some change in their reality that makes them understand
that going forward, things are going to be a lot different and not as they want.
(10:10):
Because a lot of abusive people are in relationships with other people they claim to care about, treat them like crap.
But they claim to care about them, but don't treat them like they care about them.
And because of that, the person they mistreat or the person they're hurting, the relationship they're damaging, will eventually
(10:35):
get to the point where it cannot be sustained.
The person cannot sustain a relationship like that.
And the relationship cannot survive a person who cannot sustain being treated like that.
And eventually the relationship has no choice but to fall apart.
And when somebody is unhappy in a relationship and there is no growth, there is no strengthening of the bond, and it's only
(11:07):
the bond being chipped away at, typically on a daily basis, it's only a matter of time.
And so somebody like this writes to me and says, "I'm being yelled at and I'm told I'm not a good spouse." And then I offer,
let's go to therapy and improve things." And the partner says, okay but then says, no I don't want to go to therapy and you're
(11:32):
being hurtful." So they turn it around.
When the point of going to therapy is to improve things, even if you don't think there's a problem, if one person thinks there's a problem, there's a problem.
If one person is unhappy, the relationship is unhappy.
(11:53):
If one person thinks things are great and the other person thinks they are not, they are not. The negative side always wins.
The negative feelings, the negative thoughts always wins in a relationship.
So the person who thinks things are great when their partner or whoever it is, says they are not, has to default to they are not.
(12:23):
And that person who thinks things are great has to step out of their ego, out of their box of thinking, and step into empathy.
And even if things look good on the outside, however they define that, even if things look good to them, if the other person
is unhappy, if the other person is experiencing difficulties, then there are difficulties.
(12:48):
And that person needs to step outside the box of their thinking so that they can understand that there is a bigger problem that they're not addressing.
And that bigger problem will be like rust that forms on metal.
The rust that starts to disintegrate the metal. And that rust slowly forms. You can't see it every day.
(13:12):
You only know that you see the signs of it. Like there's a sign of rust.
There's a little bubble in the paint.
And then that bubble disappears and you see that dark rusty reddish color underneath.
And then a hole forms because the rust is eating away or whatever rust does to metal. It's disintegrating the metal.
(13:36):
And this is what happens in a relationship that doesn't address one person's issues, one person's challenges.
And of course, I personally challenge the other person who thinks things are great.
If I ask what makes them great, they're going to say, well I don't have any problems." Well, does the other person have problems?
(13:56):
"Well, yeah, but that's their problems," Most likely what they'd say.
And then I would ask, well how does that make the relationship great?" That sounds like one person on a seesaw.
That sounds like one person who can't have any fun because the seesaw has nobody to balance it. Yes, relationships require some balance.
(14:19):
And when you have two people on a seesaw, there's at least a give and take. There's an up and down.
And most relationships, most healthier relationships experience the ups and downs.
But then there's a homeostatic state in the middle where you can kind of balance things out and cooperate and get along.
(14:39):
And then you might actually have fun.
But what if one person wasn't having fun and they got off the seesaw? How is that great?
How is the other person on the seesaw going to say, things are great.
The relationship is great." When they can't even move now, they're just stuck.
Maybe they'll say, "I'm still having fun. I'm on the seesaw.
(15:01):
I'm just sitting down on the ground, but I'm still having fun.
It's okay with me." What's the point of the other person then?
What's the point of having somebody else in your life?
And I'm not necessarily talking to the people who listen to this show, but in general, maybe I'm speaking for somebody who's
listening to this show right now, asking the question, what's the point of having you in my life if I'm unhappy and you seem fine?" What's the point?
(15:28):
If you don't need me to be happy, then what's the point of having me around?
If you don't care, if I'm unhappy or if I'm crying, or if I'm too sensitive, as you say, or I can't take a joke, as you say, then what's the point?
I'm not saying you should have that conversation, but these are the kinds of thoughts that might go through your head.
(15:53):
If you're in a relationship like that, might go through this person who wrote to me, they might go through his head.
He says that she said I'm forcing her to do therapy and I'm being just like her now. Is that me doing something wrong? No.
My answer to this person is no, you're not doing anything wrong.
And are you making a big deal of things?
(16:15):
You should make a big deal of things because this is a big deal. That's what he asked.
Am I making a big deal of things when everything is going great? No, everything is not going great.
If everything was going great, then you'd both be fine.
But because there's an imbalance here, it's not going great.
That's why you said you wanted to go to therapy.
(16:38):
You actually want to improve the relationship.
You want both of you to be happy.
That would be a good question for her.
Do you want both of us to be happy? Because I'm not.
And if I'm not happy, then we should work on that together because we're in a relationship.
She may say, well you're the broken one. You're the problem.
(17:02):
So you fix yourself." Here's the thing. A, she's right and she's wrong. She's right.
In this case, I'm just making up a scenario here.
But if this were to happen, if she said that, you go fix yourself, which happens in a lot of relationships, somebody will say that.
You go fix yourself, you go heal yourself, you go to therapy.
(17:25):
If and when you decide to do that for yourself, then what ends up happening is you start learning who you are. You start reconnecting with yourself again.
You start understanding that you're not as bad as they say you are, or you're not as sensitive or misunderstanding things.
(17:45):
And you're not any of those things.
You start realizing that you're a lot better than they say you are.
And when you start feeling better about yourself, you get more clarity on what's really going on in the relationship.
So they're not wrong for saying you should probably work on yourself, but they are wrong when they say that at the same time,
(18:10):
because a relationship is two people, at a minimum.
There are other types of relationships, but in general, two people make up a relationship.
So two people should work on it.
And if one person looks at the relationship and says everything is fine, and everything is not fine with the other person,
(18:30):
then the person who thinks things are fine is either dense, or is trying to gaslight, trying to confuse the other person,
trying to change their reality, and or doesn't want things to change.
Because as soon as the relationship balances out, and both people have a say, and both people have to take responsibility
(18:52):
for their own behaviors, for their own words, then doing hurtful or harmful or abusive behavior has consequences. And abusive people don't want consequences.
They want you to continue focusing on yourself and dealing with your own stuff.
Go fix yourself, they'll say, so that they don't have to deal with their own stuff.
(19:15):
Because if they have to deal with their own stuff, that means they have to change.
And if they have to change, they may lose their power over you, they may lose control of you.
And hurtful, harmful, abusive people do not want to lose their power, do not want to lose control, and especially do not want
to be responsible for their own bad behaviors.
(19:37):
Which is why they will almost always turn it around and make everything about you, make everything going wrong, your fault,
and make you believe that you're causing it.
And I know nothing I'm saying today is giving you any happy feelings.
It's not that type of episode, unfortunately.
But I say these things to empower you.
(20:01):
I say these things so that you know you're not going crazy.
So that you know that there's something bigger going on that either you don't recognize or you are starting to recognize.
And you just want maybe perhaps some validation or direction. And knowledge is that validation. Knowledge is that direction.
(20:23):
Because once you know something is happening, then you can make a decision from a more grounded, more informed place.
So whatever decision you need to make, whether that's having a conversation with somebody who believes they're right and believes
everything is great, and that conversation could be just you saying, well I don't think things are great.
(20:48):
So we need to work on that." And if they turn it back on you and say, well you need to work on that," then that tells you
that they don't want to go through this together.
And if they don't want to go through it together, it's no longer a relationship.
And that might lead to a harder decision.
(21:10):
When my wife says something's wrong with her, I'm taking responsibility for it. It doesn't mean I caused it.
It just means I'm part of this as a challenge that we're going to go through together. I could have caused it. I don't know yet.
We're going to have a conversation on it.
But if I did cause it, I want to talk about it.
Or even if I didn't cause it, I want to talk about it because I hate seeing her unhappy. And I love seeing her happy.
(21:38):
I can't look at it any other way.
I can't look at a romantic relationship any other way than somebody who looks at their partner and says, "I really want to
see you happy." And I support the decisions you make that make you happy.
And if those decisions aren't making you happy, it bothers me.
Or if you've made a decision that makes you unhappy or hurt you, that bothers me.
(22:03):
If I've made a decision that makes you unhappy or hurt you, that bothers me.
It bothers me when she's unhappy, when she's upset, when she's angry, because we're in this together.
So when I get messages like this, where somebody starts off by saying, my partner is threatening me, verbally abusing me,
(22:30):
yelling, and telling me I'm not good enough," or saying things that make me feel bad.
And they said that I need to let all that stuff that they said about me go.
I look at something like this and I say, that's not what a relationship is about." That's not two people facing challenges
(22:50):
together and walking hand in hand toward the sunset, overcoming obstacles together.
And then when one person stubs their toe, the other person says, oh my god, are you okay?
Let me help." That is the most basic structure of love, connection, and happiness I can think of.
(23:12):
It is the foundation of almost every healthy, strong relationship, where when one person is sad or upset or confused or angry,
the other person wants them to feel better.
Even if they caused it, even if there was a situation that arose that they got into an argument or whatever, the bigger picture
(23:36):
is, how can we get through this now?
Because I don't want you to feel that way.
Instead of this person's message, where he asks, am I doing something wrong?" No, that's my answer to you. No, you're not doing anything wrong. I hope this helps.
Share this with others who might benefit.
(23:57):
Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The Mean Workbook, an assessment and healing guide for difficult relationships.
The workbook contains a 200-point assessment to tell you exactly what's causing you to leave so many interactions feeling bad.
Gain clarity on your relationship today by visiting loveandabuse.com to get the workbook or listen to more episodes of Love and Abuse.
If you've discovered that you are doing hurtful behaviors to someone that you care about, and you want to change that about
(24:23):
yourself, sign up for the only program that walks you through the entire process of healing from being emotionally abusive.
It has already changed thousands of lives and relationships, and it can change yours too.
Visit healedbeing.com to start the free lessons right away.
And if you're looking for a safer way to listen to this show where all the titles to the episodes are changed, click on the
(24:43):
safe listening button on the podcast page over at loveandabuse.com.
This show exists to remind you that you are not alone and you're not going crazy.
You are worthy of respect, kindness, and love, and you deserve to be accepted exactly as you are. Stay strong.
(25:05):
We'll talk again soon
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