April 17, 2025 • 23 mins
Grief doesn't follow a schedule—and healing isn't one-size-fits-all. In this heartfelt episode of Love, Discovery & Dim Sum, hosts Larissa Lam and Baldwin Chiu (aka Only Won) open up about dealing with the loss of Baldwin's father and friends they've lost along the way. From honoring loved ones who have passed to navigating the complex emotions that follow, they explore how we can all make time and space for grief in our own unique ways. Blending candid conversation and personal reflections, Larissa and Baldwin discuss how grief shows up in Asian American families, the importance of remembering those we’ve lost, and why it’s okay to take your time. Whether you're grieving now or supporting someone who is, this episode offers comfort, connection, and meaningful ways to honor a loved one.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I discovered alone, Discovered Alone, I can't ignor. Hey everyone,
this is Larisa Lamb and only one and this is
the Love Discovery and some podcast. We started a series
this year that was about dealing with loss, and our
(00:21):
last episode was about dealing with the fires, specifically the
LA Fires. Those of you who have heard, we live
in Pasadena and we were very close to the fires,
the LA Fires at Eaton Canyon one specifically. Thankfully our
house was safe. But now that things are sort of
going back to normal all around the city, the areas
(00:43):
that have been affected and burned down are sadly still recovering.
In fact, you drove by recently.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Yeah, and there's like a lot of shakeout events going
on helping the homeowners go through all their stuff. And
it does look really, really, really sad. I mean, we
stopped by, We drove by my daughter's dental office, which
is no longer there. The school that she did theater
program no longer there. Some of the stores we used
(01:10):
to go just for groceries no longer there, and restaurants,
so it is really sad. And we have some friends
that have are suffering from the loss of their homes
and so we're constantly praying for them and trying to
see what we can do to just you.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Know, help them out. Yeah, many of the kids who
lost homes or many people are just displaced. That part
isn't getting enough news coverage. I mean, we have some
friends who had smoke damage and they weren't able to
move home very quickly. In fact, there's still living in airbnbs.
One friend was living in three different airbnbs in the
(01:44):
last like, you know, month and a half, and so
even though it's not front page news anymore, the effects
are very real. In the same way for the topic
we're talking about today, dealing with a personal loss of
a loved one in her family, even though it may
have happened several months ago. And in this case, for
people who haven't been listening, you know, you lost your
(02:04):
father back in August, and he was, you know, the
centerpiece of our documentary far he steep South, clearly the
centerpiece of your family and your life. April is when
his birthday is, and this is the first year that
we won't be celebrating his birthday with him, and I
know that's very bittersweet, and the loss is certainly felt.
(02:25):
I think every day, how are you doing now that
it's been several months since your father Charles is passing.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Yeah, Actually, I'm He's not really lost. We know where
he's at. And I think maybe I just have to
find humor in a lot of things just to deal
with his passing, because I mean, I do find myself
thinking about a lot of times when you know he's
not around, and of course now and we just think
about some of the ways I just joke with him sometimes,
(02:52):
and I know that a lot of times I would
kind of irk him because he didn't get my jokes.
I would think something something is funny, and he would
shake his head because he didn't think it was funny,
But to me, it was hilarious. And I just kind
of miss those moments where I just kind of rub
it into his face about just little, you know, stupid
things that would annoy him. But I you know, I
(03:12):
think over the last few months, I think that the
phrase that keeps popping in my head, and I don't
normally say it out loud because maybe people will be
offended by it, but the thing that keeps popping in
my head is really the worst thing in life is
really death. Like I love life, I love being alive.
I love the things I get to do while I'm alive.
But the worst thing in life is that we have
(03:34):
to deal with death. And I think that's kind of
a hard thing to kind of deal with as we
get older and there's a lot more people on that
the other end of the spectrum of the timeline that
we're getting to meet.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Well, you know, they say, the moment you're born, you're dying.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Yeah, but from the moment you're born, there's a whole
lot more living to do.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
True.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
I think when you have somebody new, it's easier to
Folks is on the life ahead, and as we get older,
we're just thinking about salvaging what's remaining.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Well, you know, I had a friend whose memorial I
attended recently, and she's actually younger than me, and you know,
sadly passed away of cancer. And one of the things
that kept coming up, because she was relatively young, you know,
was that it was such a tragic loss that we
lost her, which it was, and she had blessed so
(04:26):
many people, and you wonder like, why was she taken
from us so soon? And I know you've wrestled with
this whenever people say like, well at least. You know,
he was eighty something when your father died. And you know,
for my friend who was in her forties, she she
had still so much life ahead of her relatively speaking, right,
(04:49):
But somebody, one of the speakers at that memorial service
said something really profound, and even though it may sound
a little cliche, she said, she lived a full life
even at that young age, Like she lived a full life.
She did do a lot of things, she did bless
a lot of people. And so it was it's almost
(05:12):
like looking at the cup half full as opposed to
half empty. And you know, I know when people say that,
you believe your dad still had so many so much
more to live.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
Yeah, And I think sometimes when we think about just
the number, like they'll just say, like, oh, the age, well,
the age is you know, if the age is high
relative to somebody else's age, which is low, then it's
okay that they go. And I think that was really
hard even for my mom, especially for my mom, because
my mom would see him every single day and she
(05:42):
would see the life he had, I think, and actually
that's probably the hardest part for us, is that just
the day before he you know, went unconscious, he was
laughing and moving and telling jokes and eating well well
and and the last words we had to him was like, Okay,
(06:04):
see you tomorrow, see you tomorrow, and and that that
just never came. So I think that's those those are
kind of the hard things. I think one of the
things someone said to me though, was like, you know,
you don't really want to die with potential, And I
think that kind of goes back to what you said,
(06:24):
you know, you live the full life. And I think
my dad, I mean, of course, I think we all
have we potentially to do something even towards the end
of our life. But I mean I think my dad
did have a full life. I think he he did
a lot more for us than we ever really gave
him credit for. And I think after he left, it's
that's a sad thing is when someone or something is gone,
(06:47):
that's when you start thinking back about, like, you know,
all the great things about it. You know, even last
last time when we're talking about the lost homes. People
take their homes for granted until that their home is gone.
And a lot of times we take for granted people
around us, and then when they're gone, you're like, oh man,
I really miss all these other things.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Yeah, no, that's very true. And I think the other
thing that has come up a lot is grieving in
your own time. I think the one question I get
asked a lot is, oh, how's your mother in law doing?
You know, besides you, people care about you too, Baldwin. Don't.
Don't misunderstand that, but a lot of people know because
(07:29):
your mom was his primary caretaker, and of course they
were married for fifty almost oh just so shy, like
a week shy of fifty one years, and that you know,
that's a hard loss. You know, people kept asking how
your mom was doing, and I think it was challenging
even for you and other family members to navigate that
(07:49):
because I think each one of you was grieving in
a different pace and wanted certain different different things to
have closure.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Yeah, and I think it's hard for us because we're
not in those same shoes. So the way I handle
grief is different than even just my brother who handles it,
and then obviously different from my mom. And I think
we tried to get my mom and continue to try
to get my mom to just go out more like
she hasn't. She wasn't able to really go out and
do things for the last several years, just because she
(08:21):
was always at home taking care of my dad. And
I thought, okay, well, at least now you have the
freedom to try to go out, not really quite understanding
the difficulty of going out alone now as opposed to
before when she went out with my dad. And so
going out isn't necessarily as meaningful as we would think
because now she's not with the person she would normally
(08:45):
have gone out with.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Yeah, and I think that grief comes in waves. They
say that a lot, and I've I found myself doing
that recently. You know, I'm going through different things, and
especially social med can be a reminder of people because
people will post the memory of someone's death in a
You know, a good friend of ours who had passed
(09:08):
away a couple of years ago, who you know, played
saxophone in our wedding, and it was recently his birthday
and I was like, oh, it was heartbreaking to see
that because it was just reminded me and all the
memories kept flooding back. And I have a pair of
headphones in the studio that were given to me by
(09:28):
my good friend Craig Burbage, who engineered and mixed one
of my records or my recordings, and we collaborated a lot,
and you know, he passed away, and every time I
see those headphones, I don't want to throw them out
because the reminder like that he gave them to me.
I was supposed to return them, and I remember calling
(09:48):
him one day and I was like, Oh, I need
to return these. He's like, ah, just keep them. Well,
I'm definitely keeping them now. But I was even in
this funk earlier last week where I kind of I
was thinking, oh, should I do more music, and I'm like, oh,
I should call Craig, and I realized, you know, he's
not there anymore. And those are the waves that kind
(10:09):
of come I think when you lose somebody.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Yeah, I mean, one of the things we were able
to do is, you know, go through some of my
dad's stuff and the stuff that actually fit me clothes wise,
Like he had some new belts and I actually needed
a new I actually needed a belt, and I was
going to go out and buy a belt, and then
we found this brand couple of brand new belts in
my dad's closet. I'm like, oh, I'll just take my
dad's belt because now I'm just kind of keeping him
(10:33):
with me, you know, just by wearing his belt that
he never wore. And then I don't wear watches. You know,
I have my phone. I just whip my phone out.
But I do remember those old days when I did
have a watch, and it was so inconvenience. It just
lift up my wrist and look at the time. And
my dad had some old watches that, you know, the
batteries ran out and I was like, wow, this is
a cool looking watch, and so replaced the battery and
(10:57):
it was one of those watches that just finds the
time by itself and then after a couple hours it's
all set and I didn't even have to do anything.
And I was like, oh, I haven't worn a watch
in a while, so now I'm wearing, you know, my
dad's watch every once in a while. So it's it's
it's it's a way to just kind of keep him
with us, and we'll with me and yeah, just still
(11:21):
dealing with it.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Yeah, And I think it's also harder for us because
we get reminded of him when we watch far A
Steep South.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
Every single event.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
We just did a screening of far A Steep South
at Pepperdine University, which writ really well, and we're going
to be doing one in April at the Grammy Museum.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
In La Yeah, that's and that's actually in memory of
my dad.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
What day is that?
Speaker 2 (11:46):
That's April twenty sixth, So if you are in the
LA area, be on the lookout check out the La
Grammy Museum website. It's going to be up there and
it'll be free. And we're just paying a little tribute
to my dad with the film, and we're talking a
little bit.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
And we'll be updating our website for asteepsouth dot com
with that information shortly as well. But here's the weird
thing when we go to screening. I know, the right
after your dad passed away, we actually were supposed to
be doing a screening at Atlanta and we had to
cancel it because it was just too raw, too fresh.
I mean, you just were devastated, as was I, and
(12:23):
we had to make that tough call of canceling that screening.
But I don't know about you, but in subsequent screenings,
this weird thing happens where I almost feel like he's
still with us every time I see him in the movie.
And the same goes for everybody in our film. Half
of the people in our film sadly have passed away
because of age.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
You know.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
We had so many people that were over eighty years
old in our film. And in fact, Eddie Gong, who
famously thought he was Italian until he was six years old,
he passed away around the same time as your dad.
And Joe Valentine, Judge John White Valentine, who you briefly
hear with Aby Henry, who introduced just a lot of
(13:07):
people in town also at that same time, died around
the same time. And I feel like they're still with us,
like they're still alive because I see them, I hear
them every time I see a movie.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Yeah, and still learning from them. It seems like, oh
there's no there's sometimes you feel like, oh, well, there's
nothing else I can get from this person because they're gone.
But still we're getting stuff from them, even just going
through some of the stuff and learning more about my
dad's history and just finding new stories that were like, huh,
where did this come from? Where who's these who are
these people from pictures of and what did this bookmark
(13:46):
mean to him? Just learning more things still even though
he's not here with us.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Yeah, and I think it's important for us to celebrate, right,
like they always say, you want to celebrate the life.
And I think it's also important to be okay with
taking those moments to yourself to reflect. And there's nothing
wrong with that or even in your mom's case, as
(14:12):
much as we're like, oh, you need to be around people,
and I think the support is good. She shouldn't be
completely alone. But at the same time, I think she
needed some time by herself.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Right yeah, And I think really that is something that
we have to be I guess conscientious about.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Is that the right word conscientious?
Speaker 2 (14:30):
That's a good word, yeah, Because the way we deal
with loss is different than someone else. Even if you're
in an exact what you feel like is in the
exact same situation, We're all different people, so we harness
it differently. So I know everyone has good intentions. I
really appreciate all the emails and the text messages and
the comments that people have sent to me, and I
(14:53):
really do appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
I think the one thing I want to underscore, as
we were mentioning with the fires and everything, is that
loss and grief is a is an ongoing process, right.
I mean, we mentioned some friends that we lost years ago,
that their passing still resonates or family members, and you know,
(15:17):
I was looking at an old photo of my grandparents
who lived very full lives. My grandfather lived till ninety
nine and my grandmother lived to one hundred and two.
So the loss wasn't as hard for me because at
that point, even though I know they could have still
had more life, and Grandpa was so close to like
one hundred, so close he was like three weeks away
(15:39):
from turning one hundred, he lived, he lived, and my
in my grandmother's case, at one hundred two, you're like, well,
it's about time now that we didn't love her and
like miss her, but she had dementia. She wasn't all
all there, you know, mentally, so it was more of like,
(16:01):
I think, a release, I think for her to be
in heaven. And those losses are still, like I said,
in waves, like they come back every once in a while,
ago like, oh, I miss my grandparents, but I also
have some really really fond memories of them and some
crazy stories about some of the things that my grandma
used to make me do because she was a very
(16:22):
quintessential Chinese grandma. So I think with some steps that
we can maybe recommend people. And certainly, if grief is
something you're still dealing with and it's and you're having
a hard time dealing with it, I would recommend reaching
out to other people, whether it's friends, whether it's a therapist,
(16:45):
whether it's a support group. It is really important to
not keep I think, all your feelings, even though you
may be processing them yourselves, in the totality of the
experience of grieving, it is important, I think, to be
able to let some of those out because a lot
of times when you keep too much of that in,
(17:05):
it leads to blow ups, or it leads to some
maybe self destructive or unhealthy actions.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
And I think if you if you don't feel comfortable talking,
Journaling has been great for me because I know that
it's actually gonna stay. I'm not gonna forget it because
I'm writing it down and it's something I can go
back to and no one else has to see it.
It's just something for me. So I would recommend you, know, journaling,
writing it down somewhere and just letting that be be
(17:36):
a memory that you can look back towards as well. Well.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
I know your dad commissioned us in many ways to
continue some of the work that we're doing now. And
that's one thing that in this process of memorializing your
father is that I feel more compelled than ever to
honor his memory through doing more screenings, through helping expand
(18:04):
education to be more inclusive of the Asian American experience.
And in your father's story case, he specifically I remember
told me, do you remember We're in the living room,
and he's like, make sure people know about the Exclusion Act,
Like you have to tell everybody. Everybody needs to know,
or even what happened in Jim Crow and what happened
to the black and the Asian communities being segregated. He's like,
(18:27):
you've got to let people know what's happened to these communities,
Like you've got to let people know. And part of
it was because he didn't have this knowledge, more so
about the Chinese Exclusion Act and how it separated your
family in this history. He had no concept of it
and how it impacted his formation as a person, growing
(18:47):
up fatherless, and it took him until his seventies, right
only because we went to this crazy trip to Mississippi
to begin to piece together a lot of that lost history.
That he didn't have, and so I personally feel like
we can honor him in this best way, and a
lot of times that keeps me.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Going, Yeah, And I feel like it is a blessing
and a gift that he was able to give us,
was to be able to tell his story, allow us
to tell his story. And I think that maybe that's
my encouragement to all of you that are still listening
out there, that to tell your story. The sad reality
is one day we won't be here anymore, but our
(19:29):
stories can still remain and those stories can still have
impact on the lives that are still here, And so
I would encourage you to tell your story, share it and.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
Well. And I think that you hit on a really
good point there, especially with the context. The purpose of
our podcast is to help enlighten people about an Asian
American perspective on history, race, current events. And a lot
of times when people pass away, they think there's story
is over right, or you have a nice obituary, you
(20:03):
have some nice photos, you'll always remember them and treasure
them in your hearts. But as we always say, all
our family histories make up American history. And so that
loved one that you have especially if you are of
Asian descent and their story hasn't been told, we highly
encourage you to document that. And even though it might
(20:24):
be painful at first, but as time goes on, as
you're going through the stuff, like I know your brother
and maybe your mom have been really quick to like
want to throw away a lot of stuff. There's some
history and a lot of your dad's documents and a
lot of the things that he has that I'm like, no, no, wait,
don't throw that away right away, because I you know,
(20:44):
I realize with him carries so much history of his
time in San Francisco and Oaklands as a new immigrant
in the nineteen fifties, as his time you know, in
the Air Force. There's so many aspects of your dad's
life that carry his history beyond just your own personal
family's history. That I think is a value. And I
(21:04):
think that's the case with each and every person out there,
And so as you memorialize people, think about how their
story can contribute to the larger narrative of history. I
know this has been a very sobering conversation. If you
had to get some tissues, I'm really really sorry, but
some things to kind of remember as we kind of
(21:26):
sum up, allow yourself some time to process, and it's
okay to process in your own way. Make sure that
you lean on other people for support, whether it's close friends, family,
a therapist, a support group. Take care of yourself, make
sure you're eating your you know, sleeping right, but also journaling,
(21:48):
going for a walk, taking time out for yourself to process,
even if you have to take like a little mini vacation,
and more importantly, you know, find ways to honor their memory.
That is something that can bring you joy and bring
others joy, but also maybe can educate the community through
your loved one story. Anything to add only one.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Love you guys, Thanks for all the support, and we
look forward to chatting some more.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
All Right, next time, we're going to be grieving the
loss of Dei. Totally different topic but still something that
a lot of people are grieving the loss of and
we're going to talk about life beyond Dei. So hope
you'll tune in next time to the Love Discovery and
dim Sum podcast. Picking up the pieces, picking up the
(22:54):
pieces that a shutout shut up, amending everybody out of me,
spending everyone of me, that shadow shadow
I discovered alone, Discovered Alone, I can't ignor. Hey everyone,
this is Larisa Lamb and only one and this is
the Love Discovery and some podcast. We started a series
this year that was about dealing with loss, and our
(00:21):
last episode was about dealing with the fires, specifically the
LA Fires. Those of you who have heard, we live
in Pasadena and we were very close to the fires,
the LA Fires at Eaton Canyon one specifically. Thankfully our
house was safe. But now that things are sort of
going back to normal all around the city, the areas
(00:43):
that have been affected and burned down are sadly still recovering.
In fact, you drove by recently.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Yeah, and there's like a lot of shakeout events going
on helping the homeowners go through all their stuff. And
it does look really, really, really sad. I mean, we
stopped by, We drove by my daughter's dental office, which
is no longer there. The school that she did theater
program no longer there. Some of the stores we used
(01:10):
to go just for groceries no longer there, and restaurants,
so it is really sad. And we have some friends
that have are suffering from the loss of their homes
and so we're constantly praying for them and trying to
see what we can do to just you.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Know, help them out. Yeah, many of the kids who
lost homes or many people are just displaced. That part
isn't getting enough news coverage. I mean, we have some
friends who had smoke damage and they weren't able to
move home very quickly. In fact, there's still living in airbnbs.
One friend was living in three different airbnbs in the
(01:44):
last like, you know, month and a half, and so
even though it's not front page news anymore, the effects
are very real. In the same way for the topic
we're talking about today, dealing with a personal loss of
a loved one in her family, even though it may
have happened several months ago. And in this case, for
people who haven't been listening, you know, you lost your
(02:04):
father back in August, and he was, you know, the
centerpiece of our documentary far he steep South, clearly the
centerpiece of your family and your life. April is when
his birthday is, and this is the first year that
we won't be celebrating his birthday with him, and I
know that's very bittersweet, and the loss is certainly felt.
(02:25):
I think every day, how are you doing now that
it's been several months since your father Charles is passing.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Yeah, Actually, I'm He's not really lost. We know where
he's at. And I think maybe I just have to
find humor in a lot of things just to deal
with his passing, because I mean, I do find myself
thinking about a lot of times when you know he's
not around, and of course now and we just think
about some of the ways I just joke with him sometimes,
(02:52):
and I know that a lot of times I would
kind of irk him because he didn't get my jokes.
I would think something something is funny, and he would
shake his head because he didn't think it was funny,
But to me, it was hilarious. And I just kind
of miss those moments where I just kind of rub
it into his face about just little, you know, stupid
things that would annoy him. But I you know, I
(03:12):
think over the last few months, I think that the
phrase that keeps popping in my head, and I don't
normally say it out loud because maybe people will be
offended by it, but the thing that keeps popping in
my head is really the worst thing in life is
really death. Like I love life, I love being alive.
I love the things I get to do while I'm alive.
But the worst thing in life is that we have
(03:34):
to deal with death. And I think that's kind of
a hard thing to kind of deal with as we
get older and there's a lot more people on that
the other end of the spectrum of the timeline that
we're getting to meet.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Well, you know, they say, the moment you're born, you're dying.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Yeah, but from the moment you're born, there's a whole
lot more living to do.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
True.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
I think when you have somebody new, it's easier to
Folks is on the life ahead, and as we get older,
we're just thinking about salvaging what's remaining.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Well, you know, I had a friend whose memorial I
attended recently, and she's actually younger than me, and you know,
sadly passed away of cancer. And one of the things
that kept coming up, because she was relatively young, you know,
was that it was such a tragic loss that we
lost her, which it was, and she had blessed so
(04:26):
many people, and you wonder like, why was she taken
from us so soon? And I know you've wrestled with
this whenever people say like, well at least. You know,
he was eighty something when your father died. And you know,
for my friend who was in her forties, she she
had still so much life ahead of her relatively speaking, right,
(04:49):
But somebody, one of the speakers at that memorial service
said something really profound, and even though it may sound
a little cliche, she said, she lived a full life
even at that young age, Like she lived a full life.
She did do a lot of things, she did bless
a lot of people. And so it was it's almost
(05:12):
like looking at the cup half full as opposed to
half empty. And you know, I know when people say that,
you believe your dad still had so many so much
more to live.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
Yeah, And I think sometimes when we think about just
the number, like they'll just say, like, oh, the age, well,
the age is you know, if the age is high
relative to somebody else's age, which is low, then it's
okay that they go. And I think that was really
hard even for my mom, especially for my mom, because
my mom would see him every single day and she
(05:42):
would see the life he had, I think, and actually
that's probably the hardest part for us, is that just
the day before he you know, went unconscious, he was
laughing and moving and telling jokes and eating well well
and and the last words we had to him was like, Okay,
(06:04):
see you tomorrow, see you tomorrow, and and that that
just never came. So I think that's those those are
kind of the hard things. I think one of the
things someone said to me though, was like, you know,
you don't really want to die with potential, And I
think that kind of goes back to what you said,
(06:24):
you know, you live the full life. And I think
my dad, I mean, of course, I think we all
have we potentially to do something even towards the end
of our life. But I mean I think my dad
did have a full life. I think he he did
a lot more for us than we ever really gave
him credit for. And I think after he left, it's
that's a sad thing is when someone or something is gone,
(06:47):
that's when you start thinking back about, like, you know,
all the great things about it. You know, even last
last time when we're talking about the lost homes. People
take their homes for granted until that their home is gone.
And a lot of times we take for granted people
around us, and then when they're gone, you're like, oh man,
I really miss all these other things.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Yeah, no, that's very true. And I think the other
thing that has come up a lot is grieving in
your own time. I think the one question I get
asked a lot is, oh, how's your mother in law doing?
You know, besides you, people care about you too, Baldwin. Don't.
Don't misunderstand that, but a lot of people know because
(07:29):
your mom was his primary caretaker, and of course they
were married for fifty almost oh just so shy, like
a week shy of fifty one years, and that you know,
that's a hard loss. You know, people kept asking how
your mom was doing, and I think it was challenging
even for you and other family members to navigate that
(07:49):
because I think each one of you was grieving in
a different pace and wanted certain different different things to
have closure.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Yeah, and I think it's hard for us because we're
not in those same shoes. So the way I handle
grief is different than even just my brother who handles it,
and then obviously different from my mom. And I think
we tried to get my mom and continue to try
to get my mom to just go out more like
she hasn't. She wasn't able to really go out and
do things for the last several years, just because she
(08:21):
was always at home taking care of my dad. And
I thought, okay, well, at least now you have the
freedom to try to go out, not really quite understanding
the difficulty of going out alone now as opposed to
before when she went out with my dad. And so
going out isn't necessarily as meaningful as we would think
because now she's not with the person she would normally
(08:45):
have gone out with.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Yeah, and I think that grief comes in waves. They
say that a lot, and I've I found myself doing
that recently. You know, I'm going through different things, and
especially social med can be a reminder of people because
people will post the memory of someone's death in a
You know, a good friend of ours who had passed
(09:08):
away a couple of years ago, who you know, played
saxophone in our wedding, and it was recently his birthday
and I was like, oh, it was heartbreaking to see
that because it was just reminded me and all the
memories kept flooding back. And I have a pair of
headphones in the studio that were given to me by
(09:28):
my good friend Craig Burbage, who engineered and mixed one
of my records or my recordings, and we collaborated a lot,
and you know, he passed away, and every time I
see those headphones, I don't want to throw them out
because the reminder like that he gave them to me.
I was supposed to return them, and I remember calling
(09:48):
him one day and I was like, Oh, I need
to return these. He's like, ah, just keep them. Well,
I'm definitely keeping them now. But I was even in
this funk earlier last week where I kind of I
was thinking, oh, should I do more music, and I'm like, oh,
I should call Craig, and I realized, you know, he's
not there anymore. And those are the waves that kind
(10:09):
of come I think when you lose somebody.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Yeah, I mean, one of the things we were able
to do is, you know, go through some of my
dad's stuff and the stuff that actually fit me clothes wise,
Like he had some new belts and I actually needed
a new I actually needed a belt, and I was
going to go out and buy a belt, and then
we found this brand couple of brand new belts in
my dad's closet. I'm like, oh, I'll just take my
dad's belt because now I'm just kind of keeping him
(10:33):
with me, you know, just by wearing his belt that
he never wore. And then I don't wear watches. You know,
I have my phone. I just whip my phone out.
But I do remember those old days when I did
have a watch, and it was so inconvenience. It just
lift up my wrist and look at the time. And
my dad had some old watches that, you know, the
batteries ran out and I was like, wow, this is
a cool looking watch, and so replaced the battery and
(10:57):
it was one of those watches that just finds the
time by itself and then after a couple hours it's
all set and I didn't even have to do anything.
And I was like, oh, I haven't worn a watch
in a while, so now I'm wearing, you know, my
dad's watch every once in a while. So it's it's
it's it's a way to just kind of keep him
with us, and we'll with me and yeah, just still
(11:21):
dealing with it.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Yeah, And I think it's also harder for us because
we get reminded of him when we watch far A
Steep South.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
Every single event.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
We just did a screening of far A Steep South
at Pepperdine University, which writ really well, and we're going
to be doing one in April at the Grammy Museum.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
In La Yeah, that's and that's actually in memory of
my dad.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
What day is that?
Speaker 2 (11:46):
That's April twenty sixth, So if you are in the
LA area, be on the lookout check out the La
Grammy Museum website. It's going to be up there and
it'll be free. And we're just paying a little tribute
to my dad with the film, and we're talking a
little bit.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
And we'll be updating our website for asteepsouth dot com
with that information shortly as well. But here's the weird
thing when we go to screening. I know, the right
after your dad passed away, we actually were supposed to
be doing a screening at Atlanta and we had to
cancel it because it was just too raw, too fresh.
I mean, you just were devastated, as was I, and
(12:23):
we had to make that tough call of canceling that screening.
But I don't know about you, but in subsequent screenings,
this weird thing happens where I almost feel like he's
still with us every time I see him in the movie.
And the same goes for everybody in our film. Half
of the people in our film sadly have passed away
because of age.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
You know.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
We had so many people that were over eighty years
old in our film. And in fact, Eddie Gong, who
famously thought he was Italian until he was six years old,
he passed away around the same time as your dad.
And Joe Valentine, Judge John White Valentine, who you briefly
hear with Aby Henry, who introduced just a lot of
(13:07):
people in town also at that same time, died around
the same time. And I feel like they're still with us,
like they're still alive because I see them, I hear
them every time I see a movie.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Yeah, and still learning from them. It seems like, oh
there's no there's sometimes you feel like, oh, well, there's
nothing else I can get from this person because they're gone.
But still we're getting stuff from them, even just going
through some of the stuff and learning more about my
dad's history and just finding new stories that were like, huh,
where did this come from? Where who's these who are
these people from pictures of and what did this bookmark
(13:46):
mean to him? Just learning more things still even though
he's not here with us.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Yeah, and I think it's important for us to celebrate, right,
like they always say, you want to celebrate the life.
And I think it's also important to be okay with
taking those moments to yourself to reflect. And there's nothing
wrong with that or even in your mom's case, as
(14:12):
much as we're like, oh, you need to be around people,
and I think the support is good. She shouldn't be
completely alone. But at the same time, I think she
needed some time by herself.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Right yeah, And I think really that is something that
we have to be I guess conscientious about.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Is that the right word conscientious?
Speaker 2 (14:30):
That's a good word, yeah, Because the way we deal
with loss is different than someone else. Even if you're
in an exact what you feel like is in the
exact same situation, We're all different people, so we harness
it differently. So I know everyone has good intentions. I
really appreciate all the emails and the text messages and
the comments that people have sent to me, and I
(14:53):
really do appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
I think the one thing I want to underscore, as
we were mentioning with the fires and everything, is that
loss and grief is a is an ongoing process, right.
I mean, we mentioned some friends that we lost years ago,
that their passing still resonates or family members, and you know,
(15:17):
I was looking at an old photo of my grandparents
who lived very full lives. My grandfather lived till ninety
nine and my grandmother lived to one hundred and two.
So the loss wasn't as hard for me because at
that point, even though I know they could have still
had more life, and Grandpa was so close to like
one hundred, so close he was like three weeks away
(15:39):
from turning one hundred, he lived, he lived, and my
in my grandmother's case, at one hundred two, you're like, well,
it's about time now that we didn't love her and
like miss her, but she had dementia. She wasn't all
all there, you know, mentally, so it was more of like,
(16:01):
I think, a release, I think for her to be
in heaven. And those losses are still, like I said,
in waves, like they come back every once in a while,
ago like, oh, I miss my grandparents, but I also
have some really really fond memories of them and some
crazy stories about some of the things that my grandma
used to make me do because she was a very
(16:22):
quintessential Chinese grandma. So I think with some steps that
we can maybe recommend people. And certainly, if grief is
something you're still dealing with and it's and you're having
a hard time dealing with it, I would recommend reaching
out to other people, whether it's friends, whether it's a therapist,
(16:45):
whether it's a support group. It is really important to
not keep I think, all your feelings, even though you
may be processing them yourselves, in the totality of the
experience of grieving, it is important, I think, to be
able to let some of those out because a lot
of times when you keep too much of that in,
(17:05):
it leads to blow ups, or it leads to some
maybe self destructive or unhealthy actions.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
And I think if you if you don't feel comfortable talking,
Journaling has been great for me because I know that
it's actually gonna stay. I'm not gonna forget it because
I'm writing it down and it's something I can go
back to and no one else has to see it.
It's just something for me. So I would recommend you, know, journaling,
writing it down somewhere and just letting that be be
(17:36):
a memory that you can look back towards as well. Well.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
I know your dad commissioned us in many ways to
continue some of the work that we're doing now. And
that's one thing that in this process of memorializing your
father is that I feel more compelled than ever to
honor his memory through doing more screenings, through helping expand
(18:04):
education to be more inclusive of the Asian American experience.
And in your father's story case, he specifically I remember
told me, do you remember We're in the living room,
and he's like, make sure people know about the Exclusion Act,
Like you have to tell everybody. Everybody needs to know,
or even what happened in Jim Crow and what happened
to the black and the Asian communities being segregated. He's like,
(18:27):
you've got to let people know what's happened to these communities,
Like you've got to let people know. And part of
it was because he didn't have this knowledge, more so
about the Chinese Exclusion Act and how it separated your
family in this history. He had no concept of it
and how it impacted his formation as a person, growing
(18:47):
up fatherless, and it took him until his seventies, right
only because we went to this crazy trip to Mississippi
to begin to piece together a lot of that lost history.
That he didn't have, and so I personally feel like
we can honor him in this best way, and a
lot of times that keeps me.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Going, Yeah, And I feel like it is a blessing
and a gift that he was able to give us,
was to be able to tell his story, allow us
to tell his story. And I think that maybe that's
my encouragement to all of you that are still listening
out there, that to tell your story. The sad reality
is one day we won't be here anymore, but our
(19:29):
stories can still remain and those stories can still have
impact on the lives that are still here, And so
I would encourage you to tell your story, share it and.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
Well. And I think that you hit on a really
good point there, especially with the context. The purpose of
our podcast is to help enlighten people about an Asian
American perspective on history, race, current events. And a lot
of times when people pass away, they think there's story
is over right, or you have a nice obituary, you
(20:03):
have some nice photos, you'll always remember them and treasure
them in your hearts. But as we always say, all
our family histories make up American history. And so that
loved one that you have especially if you are of
Asian descent and their story hasn't been told, we highly
encourage you to document that. And even though it might
(20:24):
be painful at first, but as time goes on, as
you're going through the stuff, like I know your brother
and maybe your mom have been really quick to like
want to throw away a lot of stuff. There's some
history and a lot of your dad's documents and a
lot of the things that he has that I'm like, no, no, wait,
don't throw that away right away, because I you know,
(20:44):
I realize with him carries so much history of his
time in San Francisco and Oaklands as a new immigrant
in the nineteen fifties, as his time you know, in
the Air Force. There's so many aspects of your dad's
life that carry his history beyond just your own personal
family's history. That I think is a value. And I
(21:04):
think that's the case with each and every person out there,
And so as you memorialize people, think about how their
story can contribute to the larger narrative of history. I
know this has been a very sobering conversation. If you
had to get some tissues, I'm really really sorry, but
some things to kind of remember as we kind of
(21:26):
sum up, allow yourself some time to process, and it's
okay to process in your own way. Make sure that
you lean on other people for support, whether it's close friends, family,
a therapist, a support group. Take care of yourself, make
sure you're eating your you know, sleeping right, but also journaling,
(21:48):
going for a walk, taking time out for yourself to process,
even if you have to take like a little mini vacation,
and more importantly, you know, find ways to honor their memory.
That is something that can bring you joy and bring
others joy, but also maybe can educate the community through
your loved one story. Anything to add only one.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Love you guys, Thanks for all the support, and we
look forward to chatting some more.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
All Right, next time, we're going to be grieving the
loss of Dei. Totally different topic but still something that
a lot of people are grieving the loss of and
we're going to talk about life beyond Dei. So hope
you'll tune in next time to the Love Discovery and
dim Sum podcast. Picking up the pieces, picking up the
(22:54):
pieces that a shutout shut up, amending everybody out of me,
spending everyone of me, that shadow shadow
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