May 7, 2025 • 58 mins
In this episode, I sit down with the passionate Alanna Kaivalya to explore the lost — yet ever-present — power of the feminine. While modern women have more freedom than ever to shape our lives and careers, many of us still measure success through a masculine lens, chasing goals and strategies that don’t reflect our deepest desires.
This conversation is not about rejecting the masculine, but about reclaiming the feminine — the intuitive, connective, and compassionate energy that too often gets sidelined. Alanna, a bestselling author and spiritual teacher, shares insights from her new book The Way of the Satisfied Woman, a powerful guide for anyone seeking an alternative path to fulfillment.
Together, we discuss how embracing the feminine can liberate us from burnout, invite greater ease, and reconnect us with what matters most: meaningful relationships, inner peace, and authentic expression.
Alanna Kaivalya, PhD is a bestselling author, educator, thought leader, and expert on mythology, spirituality, psychology, and women’s empowerment. The author of Sacred Sound and Myths of the Asanas, she earned a doctorate in mythological studies with an emphasis in depth psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute and is the host of The Satisfied Woman podcast.
In this conversation, Alanna discusses:
- What defines femininity
- Why connecting with the feminine is more important than ever
- What models of satisfaction look like for the modern woman
- How women don't realize how minimized and oppressed they are
- The definition of "satisfaction"
- Her run-in with facebook
- Masculinity and femininity
- Curating your life
- Four keys to a satisfied life
- Relearning how to interact
- Trust
- The habit of apologizing
Visit Alanna's website
Listen to The Satisfied Woman podcast
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Wendy (00:02):
This is Wendy Halley, and you're listening to Lucid Cafe.
(00:31):
Hey. Welcome to another episodeof Lucid Cafe, a podcast
exploring healing,consciousness, and the
complexities of being human.Alright. Getting close to the
release of Raven's Daughter, mynew metaphysical fantasy book,
which if all goes well, will beavailable on May 27.
(00:52):
Fingers crossed. I'm thinkingthat the theme of this book,
which is actually about a mindvirus of deception, might be
timely. What do you think?! Ithought I'd share a glimpse of
the storyline. Are you ready?
I'm such a dork. Alright. Herewe go. In a battle between
(01:14):
dreams and deception, the fateof reality rests in the hands of
a reluctant shapeshifter.Meredith Heller, one of the
authors who was kind enough tocontribute an endorsement for
the book, suggests that "Raven'sDaughter speaks to the critical
junction we face at this momentin our human evolution."
(01:35):
It's a bit intimidating to shareyour work with others,
especially when it's a projectthat means a lot to you. But
when someone you admire andrespect reacts that kind of
favorably to it, and that's justa snippet of Meredith's glowing
endorsement, I can't help butfeel like it was worth the
zillion hours it seemed to taketo bring this story to life.
(01:59):
Alright. I'll shut up about itfor now. Well, I'll shut up
about it until the next episodewhen my old podcast buddy Claire
joins me on Lucid Cafe to talkabout Raven's Daughter in a lot
more detail.
And then you can hear the storybehind the story. It was so fun
(02:21):
to get the band back togetheragain. Claire and I cohosted an
irreverent and frequentlyinappropriate advice podcast
back in 2019 called Inside theBox with Claire and Wendy. I'll
throw a link in the show notesif you wanna check it out. You
never know when you might needsome advice about, like,
about maybe how to start a cult.
(02:44):
We got you covered. Alright. Intoday's episode, I speak with
the inspiring Alanna Kaivalyaabout the inherent yet lost
power of the feminine. Althoughwomen today have greater
opportunity to make our ownchoices, build independent
lives, and craft powerfulcareers, we all too often forge
(03:05):
our path by following thetrajectory laid out by men. By
emulating what men identify asdesirable goals and strategies,
we deny our truest most innatefeminine qualities and desires.
This episode is not aboutbashing men. It's just an
invitation to let your innatequalities rise to the surface.
(03:27):
Alanna's new book, The Way ofthe Satisfied Woman offers an
alternative path for women andfor any person who cares to
focus more on the feminine thanthe masculine. The path of the
feminine is simply different.Perfect in its own right yet
integral and complementary tothe path of the masculine.
(03:47):
In this conversation and in herbook, Alanna shows us how
embodying feminine energy setsus free, relaxes us, and allows
us to more completely manifestthe things that are most
important to us, includingconnection, communion, and
compassion. Alana is a bestselling author, educator,
(04:07):
thought leader, and expert onmythology, spirituality,
psychology, and women'sempowerment. The author of
Sacred Sound and Myths of theAsanas, she earned a doctorate
in mythological studies with anemphasis in-depth psychology
from Pacifica Graduate Instituteand is the host of the satisfied
woman podcast. Please enjoy myconversation with Alanna
(04:33):
Kaivalya. Alanna, thank you somuch for joining me.
Alanna (04:39):
Absolutely. It's a pleasure.
Wendy (04:42):
You have a new book out. It's called The Way of the
Satisfied Woman, ReclaimingFeminine Power. It strikes me as
a calling card.
Alanna (04:54):
That's a great way to put it, actually. Yeah.
Wendy (04:57):
And, you know, I have to say, it struck me that you're a
woman on a mission. I could feelyour passion around your
messaging. Like, please, please.
Alanna (05:11):
Absolutely. Yeah. It's I mean, it's time. Really, it's
time. And I I have felt thecalling, truly a calling, to
write this book for probablyabout fifteen years.
That's how long I've beentalking about femininity to
women and letting these ideasand the things that I write
about percolate within me,talking to them with my
(05:32):
audience. Something really droveme to get this done about a year
and a half ago. I felt reallycompelled. All I can think about
is that it was some sort ofdivine outreach coming through
me saying a lot of this needs tohappen now because having its
(05:53):
release a couple of months agoand being out at this time, I
mean, women are going through somuch right now. And I can't
imagine that the timing couldhave been better for this
project.
Wendy (06:03):
Yeah, it does seem that way, doesn't it?
Alanna (06:06):
It does.
Wendy (06:09):
Kind of a shit show.
Alanna (06:11):
Yeah, there's a lot going on. We have a lot to
contend with. I think one of thegreat advantages is that the
time that we live in affords usas women more opportunities,
chances, and choices than everbefore. There are things that
you and I can do today that evenour mothers couldn't do. It
(06:32):
wasn't until I believe themid-80s that a woman could even
have her own bank accountwithout a man co signing for it.
Wendy (06:39):
Get the hell out.
Alanna (06:40):
I promise that's true. I mean, think about even the
sexual revolution of womenhaving birth control and being
able to take charge of their ownbodies and make decisions about
family planning. I mean, that'swithin the last fifty to sixty
years. So we have opportunitiesright now that are brand new for
us, but what we don't have is alegacy of what to do with these
(07:03):
choices or a culture thatcenters and values what's
important to the feminine woman.We live in a patriarchal culture
that has been designed primarilyby men and for men.
While that's great for them, itwasn't designed and built for
us. So we have the chance rightnow to question our environment,
(07:26):
to question our culture, andinstead of continuing along
traditional pathways and modelsof success and what life should
look like, we can instead thinkabout what life needs to look
like for us as women and centerour own values. So that's really
(07:47):
what propelled me into this workand into this conversation. Just
the recognition that things aredifferent for us and it doesn't
make it better or worse. It'sactually fine that there are
differences between themasculine and feminine.
One is not more valuable thanthe other. So we have a lot of
work to do to revaluefemininity, but also to inquire
(08:09):
within ourselves about what'simportant to us and what models
for satisfaction look like forthe modern day woman.
Wendy (08:16):
So much to unpack there. The question that's been burning
for me is I would love to hearyour take on how women got so
lost in the mix.
Alanna (08:28):
Yeah. I don't I don't think we intended it. I think we
were bamboozled.
Wendy (08:32):
Okay.
Alanna (08:32):
If you look up how old the patriarchy is, we get
answers from between8,000 and 3,000 years. They've
had many millennia of trainingin diminishing femininity, in
even training us that thequalities that make us powerful
(08:54):
feminine women are not admired,not valued, are even potentially
dangerous or scary. If you thinkabout one of my basic examples
that everybody knows of are thewitch trials, the Salem witch
trials.
Women, who have a powerfulintuition, which is one of the
most incredible qualities offemininity, were not just
(09:18):
diminished and devalued, butterrorized, tortured, and burned
at the stake. Because women'sintuition, women's emotional
depth, the things that make ustruly powerful, unique, able to
manifest the greatest potentialof our lives are the things that
can potentially destabilizepatriarchal power and
(09:42):
centralization. So there's beena lot of work done to try and
minimize that. Even in our eyes,I think many women don't even
wake up in the morning andrealize how minimized and
oppressed they are because it'sjust we've it's just what we
know. You know?
It's just our normal everydaylives.
Wendy (10:01):
I was just gonna comment on that. I mean, this tendency
goes back thousands of years.Right? It's become kind of a
baseline and a norm. So howwould you even know that you've
lost yourself or that you arecomplicit or a victim of, I
(10:22):
guess, I don't know, for lack ofa better word, I guess a
cultural worldview?
Alanna (10:27):
I think there's much more presentation in the culture
of this term privilege in thelast five, maybe even ten years,
but definitely the last fiveyears. Culturally, we're
starting to recognize whereprivilege is a problem. My best
definition of privilege isrights that we didn't earn.
(10:49):
There are people in this culturewho walk around with privilege
rights they didn't earn. Theycan just move freely.
They can do what they wantwithout consequence. I think for
women, the best place to startis to notice where things are
uncomfortable, where there isdiscomfort. That's one of the
little triggers that thefeminine has to know that there
(11:10):
needs to be a course correction.Something that I talk about in
my Stop Calling Us Crazy courseis that women by default, we
wake up every day and we have tocarefully navigate our day. We
have to actually take energy andtime and consideration to make
(11:33):
sure that when we say something,it's going to land well on the
ears of our audience,particularly if that audience is
of the masculine persuasion.
We have to consider how we showup in our business or our
career. If we show up with toomany ideas, then we're called
bossy. If we show up with toomuch direction and confidence,
(11:54):
we're then called bitchy. And inour relationships, we really
have to temper our natural cycleof emotions, which is part of
the gift of being a biologicalfemale. Those hormonal shifts
every month are for a reason anda purpose.
They're like the litmus test forhow we are in our world and by
(12:15):
default, everyone else that isin that world with us. And when
we have an emotional response tosomething, when we second guess
it, when we oppress it, thatcauses suffering for us. But the
reason is we're trying to softenthe blow for those around us
because if we're too emotionalwe're called crazy. So these are
(12:36):
just little things that arebuilt into the culture every day
that women have to deal with allthe time that don't allow us to
manifest really who we are. Wehave to keep ourselves on
lockdown almost everywhere wego.
Wendy (12:49):
It strikes me as you're talking of just how insidious it
is too because it's such a Imean, you think generation after
generation after generation,women have been kind of passing
these messages of put yourselfon the back burner, keep your
mouth shut.
Alanna (13:07):
Yep. And we're even taught that that's what a woman
is. Right? That a woman issupposed to be quiet because
that's what her value That we'resupposed to smile because we're
so pretty when we smile. Ifwe're not smiling, well then we
better change it.
We have bought into this conceptthat women are meek, we're soft,
(13:28):
we're complacent, we'resubservient. None of those
qualities in my research arecoincidental with femininity.
The feminine isn't quiet. Thefeminine is wild, loud, vibrant,
unpredictable, changeable. Yes,moody, emotional.
That's part of our gift. Whereis the value for those qualities
(13:55):
in this culture? In writing thisbook, I felt a tremendous
responsibility and also arecognition that there's a lot
of work to be done here. Notonly do I feel like I need to
not convince women but maybeawaken them to the fact that the
(14:19):
life that they're living thatthey've been given wasn't built
for them, but to also retrainthem to what femininity is.
Because a lot of women, theythink when I say something like,
Oh, The Way of the SatisfiedWoman.
In fact, here's a funny story. Ihave a new business with this
book. I sold my last businessand I'm going all in on this
project because of I believe howimportant it is.
Wendy (14:39):
Good for you!
Alanna (14:40):
Yeah. Thank you. So I went on Facebook and I started
my business page, The Way of theSatisfied Woman and I was shut
down.
Wendy (14:48):
What? Because
Alanna (14:50):
Facebook, I. E, the patriarchy, saw the title, The
Way of the Satisfied Woman, anddecided for itself that there's
only one way a woman can besatisfied and thought that I was
selling sex.
Wendy (15:02):
Get the fuck out.
Alanna (15:03):
Uh-uh, that's a true story. So I tried again, and I
was shut down again. Three timesFacebook has said no to me being
a satisfied woman because thenarrative is that if we're
satisfied, obviously someone ispleasing us sexually because
that's all that women want. Letme tell you, dear listener,
women want so much more thanthat, and satisfaction happens
(15:23):
on every level. And the reason Ichose that word and that title
for my book and this businessand this project is because I
was blown away by the definitionof satisfaction, which is you
ready for this?
Wendy (15:36):
I'm ready.
Alanna (15:37):
Satisfaction is defined as the pleasure derived from the
fulfillment of your wishes andneeds.
Wendy (15:47):
I see sex is not in there.
Alanna (15:50):
Isn't that weird? Yeah. I mean, could be. That could
that is actually one of ourneeds.
Wendy (15:56):
Yeah. You can be sexually satisfied, but it is not part of
the definition of satisfaction.
Alanna (16:02):
It is not. We are multifaceted human beings. We
have a lot of different needsand really novel idea. Planet
has has an desire to get theirneeds met. But for us to leave a
legacy and really make the mostof this life, we also want to
have our wishes tended to.
And what I loved about thisdefinition was the idea of
pleasure and fulfillment becausepleasure is an inherent feminine
(16:26):
quality. It is the feminine thatfeels pleasure. The feminine
runs pleasure through her bodyand then by nature that radiates
outward and that's actually howothers in her environment are
able to feel pleasure and joy.It comes through us. So we need
that.
We need to get that as much aspossible so that it benefits
those around us. Fulfillment tome is not linear. So in our
(16:50):
patriarchal culture, we'repretty hell bent on traditional
notions of success, which arevery linear and directed and at
all costs and sometimes at theexpense of others. The feminine
doesn't do things that way. Thefeminine is only feeling
pleasure and joy when those inher environment and her
community that she adores arealso happy and okay.
(17:12):
So feminine pleasure andsatisfaction is actually a
communal process. And it's alsoan ever evolving process. That
sense of fulfillment doesn'thave a finish line. It doesn't
have a goal. There's always aconversation happening, and
there's a constant daily feelingof satisfaction, fulfillment,
pleasure in this process, whichis why it's both feminine and
(17:36):
necessary for women today.
Wendy (17:38):
Beautiful. You know what would be probably a good
direction to go in right now isto define feminine versus
masculine.
Alanna (17:47):
Absolutely. So there I mean, there are there are a lot
of qualities to each and neitheris better than the other. It's
simply that our culture hascentered masculinity and not
even a good version of it. Thisis where we get this idea of
toxic masculinity.
Wendy (18:04):
Toxic masculinity.
Alanna (18:06):
I don't like the word toxic because that to me
indicates a poison that can't befixed. I say distorted. We just
change the distortion and we getback to the original energy
because the original energy ofsome of these masculine
principles are actuallybeautiful and great. The other
thing I want to say before I domy definition is that every
human has both masculine andfeminine within them. Okay?
So even the most feminine womanat times will want to bring
(18:31):
forward some of the masculineenergy in order to get shit
done, get to a deadline, be aleader in a community. We can
kind of navigate our way throughboth at all times. However,
every human will lean more toone than the other and that's
what I call our naturalpolarity. So, masculinity at its
(18:52):
peak, it's it's two greatestqualities are logic and reason.
Masculinity loves logic andreason.
It also loves direction,completion, leadership, and
nurturing. It loves to makethings grow and to foster
things. Femininity at itsforemost, its greatest qualities
(19:16):
are its intuition and emotionaldepth. It is also creative. It
has the ability to create fromalmost nothing and whether
that's procreation or just anyform of creativity, that's in
built within the feminine.
We are also pleasure filled. Weare community oriented and we
(19:38):
love collaboration andconnection. So, again, there's a
lot of qualities under bothheadings but those tend to be
the primary ones that we thinkabout and speak about most often
and the feminine is nourishingand receptive. So, the feminine
is if you think about thefeminine as a a literal
(19:58):
receptacle. I mean, think aboutjust sort of the most base
heterosexual version of sex.
Right. Heaven and receives, themasculine penetrates. So, we
also are filled when weprocreate with that creative
energy inside of a womb. Sothere is a receptivity that is
inherent in our nature, meaningwe want to take in, we want to
(20:20):
be nourished, we want to acceptand receive. Now you find me a
woman today who's capable ofsitting back relaxing and
receiving because we've beentrained out of it.
We're here. They're like, oh no,we need to be all things for
everybody. We need to do allthings for everybody. We need to
(20:41):
be inexhaustibly available atall times. Our worth is in how
much we can give.
And if we don't continue giving,we are worth less. That is an
incorrect.
Wendy (20:53):
Makes me want to take a nap just thinking about all of
Alanna (20:55):
Yeah, think
Wendy (20:56):
a lot women And that is how I live my life though.
Alanna (20:59):
Yeah, yeah and a lot of women could use a nap but what
happens when the feminine shiftsinto receptivity is that she
inspires the masculine aroundher to give. And one of the
greatest things the masculinedoes for the feminine is to be
generous, to provide, toprotect. Okay, now, I know that
(21:23):
those like, it's not old schoolnotions of providership. I don't
need a man to make me money.Especially not today.
But we are in partnership. Thisis a relational world. And when
there is a masculine present,that providership can be just
his presence. It can be hislove. It can be the services
rendered.
Like, there are a lot of ways.So, we don't have to go to that
(21:45):
sort of full definition becausethat triggers me too. Trust me
but provide is a masculinetenant. The ability to step up
and go, the feminine is in need.Let me generously give.
Right?
Wendy (21:58):
Not dictate. Correct. Yeah.
Alanna (22:01):
Not dictate. Not power over but power with. It is the
the beauty, the creativity, thewildness of the feminine that
inspires the masculine toaction. And the masculine loves
to act. If the feminine is doingit for the masculine all the
time, the masculine is actuallydisempowered.
Wendy (22:20):
Yeah. There's imbalance. Yeah.
Alanna (22:21):
It's a distortion.
Wendy (22:25):
You you know what is coming to mind? I have a
shamanic bent. Yeah. And ashamanic practice, long time
practice. And I'm thinking aboutsome indigenous prophecies that
were revealed back remember theMayan calendar at the end of the
end of the the world in 2012?
Alanna (22:43):
Survived 2012. Yeah.
Wendy (22:46):
Yeah. Well, at that time, I mean, it was basically looking
at the Mayan long countcalendar.
Alanna (22:52):
Right.
Wendy (22:52):
And some of the indigenous folks revealed some
of their prophecies at thattime. And they were talking
about they were in a atransition from one world age to
a new world age.
Alanna (23:06):
Sure.
Wendy (23:06):
And the suggestion was that the world age and they
typically last about fivethousand ish years, the world
ages. At least that's the Mayanlong count calendar is a little
over five thousand years inlength. And the world age that's
coming to a close right now wasdominated by the masculine. And
that the new world age thatwe're entering allegedly, if I
(23:30):
understood it correctly, is abalance between the masculine
and the feminine.
Alanna (23:34):
Yeah.
Wendy (23:35):
So perfect timing, Alana.
Alanna (23:37):
I mean, I'm I'm I'm on program. I I want it to happen,
and I believe in that. You know,I don't even this might sound
strange to listeners given thatI've just written written the
book, The Way of the SatisfiedWoman but I I'm not even looking
for the patriarchy to shift to amatriarchy. I don't want any
more of this power over. Youknow?
Wendy (23:57):
I'll drink to that.
Alanna (23:59):
Yeah. I I want power with. And there's so much
benefit in partnership andcollaboration and you know
another detriment of thepatriarchy that we live in is
this idea of power over but alsothe emphasis on individualism
and individuality and this DIYnature of things. I mean, I I
(24:19):
certainly bought into it as ayoung woman. Do things at all
cost.
You you can do it by yourself.You don't need anybody else.
Succeed at all costs. You too.Yeah.
Wendy (24:28):
I'm guilty. Yep. Absolutely. You're independent.
Alanna (24:31):
Yeah. Sure. Because that's all we know and that's
what we hold up as the pillar ofaccomplishment but what what
that also does, unfortunately,is it isolates us and we do know
psychologically speaking thatone of the best ways to gain
power over someone is to isolatethem and our brains, everyone,
(24:53):
you know, anybody, brains, ourpsyche are hardwired for
connection. We're here to berelational beings. It is
actually impossible to live anentire life on your own.
Wendy (25:06):
True. People
Alanna (25:08):
are just there and people have an effect on you.
And the way that you relate toand with others will make or
break really your existence inthis life. So I want us to let
go of that individuality, I wantto let go of that power over and
really get back to therelationality. And one of the
things I talk about in the bookis that, yes, there's a lot of
(25:31):
work for women to do,Absolutely. But number one, we
didn't get ourselves in thisspot and so we can't get
ourselves out.
So, part of the work we have todo is to actually inspire and
encourage those around us, thosewho love us, to work with us, to
really be all in on this projectof creating our satisfaction
(25:51):
because it's going to trickleout to them and I don't know if
you're from a place where thiswas a saying in your family but
it wasn't mine. If mama ain'thappy, ain't nobody happy.
Wendy (26:01):
No, that was not a saying in my family.
Alanna (26:03):
Right? Mama or not, all of us, feminine women, are
mamas.
Wendy (26:08):
I did like it though, yeah.
Alanna (26:12):
So if the lady's not happy, it is impossible in any
environment, in any community,that if the woman is
uncomfortable, diminished,repressed, that's going to
result in discomfort andunhappiness for everyone.
Wendy (26:29):
Right, so fellas, you're doing us a disservice, I guess,
right? Yeah. Well, as you'retalking, it does feel
overwhelming. It's like, how doyou step forward and break away
from those patterns when they'reso deeply unconscious.
Alanna (26:47):
Yeah. And ingrained in everybody. Mhmm. Look. It is a
problem.
I recognize it as a problem. Iwrite about it as a problem. And
I Right. I live in this worldtoo. And this world was not
meant for us.
And it is and can be dangerouson many levels for women. I know
that we are going to have to dowork. I know that there are
(27:08):
areas of some women's lives thatthey will not be able to change
but what I want to offer are atleast some steps for greater
satisfaction and some pathwaysto at least recognizing where
shift can occur. I'm a huge fanof curating. I love curating our
life to the greatest extent thatwe can.
You know, firing friends,setting strict boundaries on
(27:32):
people who really don't serveand uplift us, shifting a
situation where we can tosomething that is more
nourishing for us. And then, youknow, to me, this work on an
individual level starts with thefour keys. So, I outline in my
(27:52):
book these four keys that arethe foundation for what can be a
satisfied life because I I don'twant to tell women that I don't
want to tell what they should door how they should do it but
really kind of get them back totheir femininity themselves
because it's not about beingbarefoot in the kitchen fixing
dinner.
Wendy (28:09):
Right.
Alanna (28:10):
You could be changing your oil in your motorcycle and
ready for a three day ride as afeminine woman. So, it's not
about the what or the thing butabout how you do it. Can you get
to that place in your femininityand you can. You're going to
you're going to ride thatmotorcycle differently than a
masculine person. You're you'regoing to cook dinner.
Wendy (28:31):
I do actually. Yeah.
Alanna (28:32):
Right? Yeah. So, you know, the way that you do
things, if you can do it from afeminine way and and women are
really we're trained to don themasculine mask to survive.
Wendy (28:47):
Yeah, I was hoping you would talk about that. Yeah.
Alanna (28:50):
Yeah, that's a huge problem. So it's a safety
mechanism. I get it. It's morevalued. And so we have to armor
ourselves.
We have to man up for the world,but that also does a world the
disservice because they don'tsee us as who we are. And so
they can't respond to ournatural femininity. If they see
us as a masculine being, theyare going to shift into the
(29:12):
feminine. And that's not what weneed.
Wendy (29:14):
Right. But it makes sense that we would role model
ourselves after men because wedidn't have any healthy examples
of femininity.
Alanna (29:24):
Right. Because it hasn't been safe to be in women. Right.
Wendy (29:28):
And you don't even how do you know where to start if you
have so it's like, you look tothe successful men, and then
you're like, I'll just I'll justcopy what they're doing.
Alanna (29:38):
Right. Because that's been the only roadmap, which is
why we need a new roadmap, whichis part of the book. Let me
Wendy (29:44):
go back to
Alanna (29:44):
the four keys. Don't want to leave listeners hanging
on the
Wendy (29:47):
Yes, please.
Alanna (29:48):
The four keys are required for this path of
satisfaction to begin. So,number one is a sense of safety.
Safe to be yourself in yourbody, your mind, your heart, in
any environment, okay? Just asense of safety, security, to
know that your needs are beingmet either by yourself or those
(30:08):
around you, a sense of trust inyourself to make good decisions
for yourself and in those whooccupy your space, you need to
trust your world around you Andthe last one is to be cherished
by the masculine. So again,whether that's your own internal
masculine effectively offeringcherishing or bowing down to the
(30:29):
needs of the feminine or themasculine counterparts in your
world, no matter what relationyou have to them family,
intimate partnerships,friendships the masculine
cherishes you and for themasculine to cherish the
feminine this is my favoritedefinition the masculine never
leaves her alone in her painwithout finding a solution.
(30:53):
So the masculine effectivelyupholds the importance of the
feminine intuition and emotionsAnd when intuition and emotions
arise, the masculine applies itsincredible logic and reason, its
problem solving, its focus, itsdirection, its action to say, Oh
my gosh, I can see that there isdiscomfort here. Tell me more
(31:16):
and let's alleviate it. Andthat's how we change course.
That's how we get the masculinemoving in a direction that is
actually beneficial for all, notjust them.
Wendy (31:27):
The message we get though is to dismiss our emotions,
right? Yes. In our culture, it'sabout we try to get rid of
symptoms, right? So if you haveemotional disruption or
disharmony,
Alanna (31:39):
Yeah.
Wendy (31:40):
You're angry or you're sad or whatever. It's like,
well, I gotta eliminate Yeah.Instead of listen to it. It
there's a story there behind thesymptom. Yeah.
And then also the whole beinglabeled, you're too emotional
and you're crazy. I I could justtell a little story real quick.
(32:00):
Yeah. When I when I decided thatI had made a really poor
decision by getting married tomy least favorite husband
Alanna (32:10):
I did that too.
Wendy (32:12):
I I the I mean, ignoring all of the red flags and all of
all of the things, but it justhit me on an it was like a
Wednesday afternoon, and then byFriday, I was, like, driving
home about to tell him that Iwas done, and we had just gotten
married. We'd been together fornine years, got married in the
(32:34):
ninth year, and then we're,like, seven months into the
marriage. Wow. And I was like,what the hell did I do? Big
light went off in my head.
And I sat him down and I toldhim, and he said, I think you're
having a mental breakdown. And Iwas like, actually, I've never
been more lucid in my life.Yeah. But that reaction was
(32:58):
encapsulating what you'redescribing.
Alanna (33:01):
And you're not alone. I recently watched a TV show
called George and Tammy aboutGeorge Jones and Tammy Wynette,
the country singers.
Wendy (33:10):
Yeah.
Alanna (33:11):
And she was married in her 20s. It was probably in the
1950s or so and same experiencethat she was ready. She's like
this guy is not for me. I'mready to leave him and the
reaction back then was not justto say oh you must be crazy.
They actually put her in aninstitution and she suffered
electroshock therapy more than adozen times because a woman must
(33:34):
be crazy to not want the manthat she's with.
Wendy (33:38):
Yeah. How sad is that? Well, and then you think about
Freud had a big influence inthat, calling women hysterical
if they were
Alanna (33:47):
Actually, that started from the Greeks.
Wendy (33:49):
Oh, really?
Alanna (33:50):
It's been since Greeks. We we've been doing this
hysteria thing that women arehysterical. Their wombs wander
around their body and cause themto be emotional. And, boy, we
just don't want that. That is, Imean this is you know this is
patriarchal.
It's patriarchal because there'snothing wrong with a woman's
healthy expression of emotions.There's nothing wrong with a
(34:11):
woman's inner temperature sayingthat there's discomfort here,
things need to change, thisdoesn't feel right. She's gonna
feel it first and if it's notright for her, I promise it's
not right for anyone elseeither. But the masculine
doesn't like to change. Womenexist in change.
(34:31):
Our whole lives are changed.Every twenty eight days we
experience tremendous change. Wehave two major bodily changes
throughout our lifetime. Changeis just at the heart of who we
are. We have to live with it.
We have to adjust to it. We'remore used to it. The masculine
doesn't have those emotionalfluctuations or those biological
(34:52):
fluctuations. They get themcomfortable with change. They
just want to stay the coursethey don't want to be bothered
everything is fine nothing tosee here but everything is not
fine sometimes and sometimesthere is something to see so it
is the feminine's job to say heymasculine time to shift time to
course correct.
And again, with that strong,powerful masculine energy who is
(35:12):
cherishing the feminine saying,yep, I don't want you
uncomfortable, let's shift.That's really how we progress
and move forward.
Wendy (35:19):
Yeah. I'm thinking that the men in our lives would have
to have a lot of self awarenessthough, right, to understand
that? Because it feels like we'dhave to be I can't imagine the
amount of courage it would taketo express your femininity in a
way that feels organic andnatural and have a real sense of
(35:40):
personal power.
Alanna (35:41):
That's the safety. That's one of those four keys.
And if you're with a partner ora friend or a family member that
you're not safe to share thatwith, Get out. Well, sometimes
you can and sometimes that's theright option. Sometimes a lot of
this has to do with impropertraining.
Wendy (36:02):
Improper training. What do you mean?
Alanna (36:04):
We're so enculturated. I don't know that anybody's Well,
there are actually really greatmen's work groups out there
doing this work for men andteaching them these things. But
most men haven't been told like,Hey, a lady's emotions are not
scary. Buckle in. It's going beall right.
Listen to her. And actually, shemight have something good to
present you. Who says that to ayoung man? A lot of the
(36:27):
narrative even for the masculineright now is still boys don't
cry. Boys don't cry.
Well, what? They cry. You're
Wendy (36:36):
only successful
Alanna (36:37):
if you continue to achieve. So there's not enough
training. I think what it takesthe masculine is love. I think
it takes the love. If the loveof the feminine, the cherishing
of the feminine to listen, Ifthey have the love and the their
their beloved feminine partnersays, hey, buddy.
(36:59):
Look, I'm actually reallyuncomfortable and I need your
help. The loving masculine willsnap to and listen. I absolutely
believe that. I don't think theproblem is men. I don't think
the problem is masculinity.
I think the problem is theindoctrination of the culture
and improper training.
Wendy (37:15):
That's a great reframe. Yeah.
Alanna (37:17):
Rather than just hit the eject button, because there's a
lot of good men out there. Andif you just say, Hey, here's
actually what I need. Thattraining, that clue and their
love for you will have them go,You know what, let me try. It
might be fits and starts, but Ilove you enough and let me try.
If they don't try, if they'reunwilling to shift, if they
(37:39):
won't listen, then maybe it's aninject button moment.
But I actually kind of cringeanymore with and this has been I
think a lot of our history andgrowing up with this culture is
if something doesn't work foryou, you just leave.
Wendy (37:56):
Gotcha, yeah.
Alanna (37:57):
Right, well, that's not always the best pathway to
realignment, to learning, togrowth. It stunts the growth of
both parties. So I would say atleast offer an opportunity. And
then if the opportunity is nottaken, assess your options.
Wendy (38:14):
Gotcha. Well, that's a good suggestion.
Alanna (38:17):
Yeah.
Wendy (38:17):
Yeah. Well if someone's working with you then I could
see that it would be worth theeffort.
Alanna (38:25):
Yeah. Yeah. Because we're working too. You know how
many women have grown up in anenvironment where they can just
emote freely without beingasked, Oh, are you on your
period? Or, Oh, you're soirrational right now.
I'll talk to you when you'remore logical. I think every
(38:46):
woman, I don't know a singlewoman who in her lifetime hasn't
at some point been called crazy,and even by someone that loves
her. We need practice too. Weneed to push these boundaries
and find out, hey, let mepractice feeling safe here. And
(39:08):
if I don't get a safe reaction,reassess and decide.
Let me practice trusting thisexperience. And if it's not
trustworthy, let me reassess anddecide. We're going to have to
try some of this on, especiallyif it's new in order to find out
what the pathway for our ownsatisfaction is.
Wendy (39:28):
Also a great point. I would love for you to talk a
little bit more about trustbecause to me that's such a big
word and it's it's not anautomatic for many of us,
especially when it comes toeither trusting ourselves or
trusting someone else or theworld at large or whatever. My
Alanna (39:49):
favorite concept or definition of trust actually
comes from the work of theGottmans who do a lot of work
with relationships and they'rebrilliant. They talk about trust
as always having, this would bein relationships, but I'll
translate it for individuals andfriendships too. Trust is always
(40:09):
having the other person'shighest interests in mind. So no
matter what you're doing, likelet's say you're out by yourself
and you receive a text messagefrom someone you maybe shouldn't
receive text messages from, ifyou are trustworthy, you'll look
at that text message and go, youknow what, my beloved partner,
(40:32):
if she finds out, this is goingto hurt her. Let me just either
shut it down or block anddelete.
So, it's an internal mechanismthat always has the highest
interest of the other person inmind. Now, for yourself, it's
having your own highest interestin mind. It's what the the the
Dalai Lama would callenlightened self interest. Now,
(40:54):
by pursuing your own highestgood, it's actually going to
trickle out and be the highestgood for everyone else around
you too but I know a lot ofwomen and maybe you do as well,
who compromise themselves andtheir own needs by making
choices they think is going tobenefit someone else, but puts
them at a detriment. That's nottrustworthy.
Wendy (41:14):
That's fascinating. Yeah, I'm thinking about the trend in
the shamanic healing sessionsI've facilitated over the last
decade or so. And one of thefirst places my helping spirits
go to, it seems, is thefoundation of trust within the
person, and that it's usuallyextremely damaged.
Alanna (41:36):
Yeah.
Wendy (41:36):
Or in some cases when the person is has a huge amount of
trauma, they have no foundationof trust. They're just sort of a
void inside of them.
Alanna (41:46):
Well, I can guarantee you one thing. What's that?
Trust for the feminine comesfrom listening to your
intuition. Pure and simple. It'ssomething that's inbuilt luckily
within all feminine if you're onthe feminine polarity.
I mean, everybody, look,everybody has a sense of
(42:07):
intuition, okay? We all havefeminine and masculine. You've
all got it. Right. But for thefeminine woman, it is stronger
and more powerful, but alsoprobably more important for us.
I know that anyone in their lifewho ignores their intuition will
not be served by that, butparticularly the feminine woman.
(42:29):
And the way that I like to thinkof this is it's the voices and
experience of all yourforemothers coming through time,
through your ancestry, throughyour DNA to speak to you. You
are benefiting from all theirincredible experiences and
wisdom and they don't want youto suffer. They don't because
(42:53):
they've been through it. They'vebeen far, they've been through
far worse than you will probablyever go through in your lifetime
but that doesn't diminish yourpain.
It doesn't diminish yoursuffering. Just know. You have
the benefit of this wisdom andwhen I hear my intuition, I
actually hear my owngrandmother's voice.
Wendy (43:10):
That's sweet.
Alanna (43:11):
Coming through time and you know, we have some of this
like I know that sounds fancifulbut there is a field of
epigenetics that talks about howso much of who you are is
actually built into your DNA anddetermined by the life your
grandmother lived. That her foodchoices, her access to food is
(43:32):
what creates uro digestion.There is a brain in your gut
that tells you things, what todo, how to be in the world, and
if you're not listening to it,you're you're kind of snubbing
your nose at all of the amazingwomen who have gone before you.
And if you trust your intuition,that is what is going to get you
(43:54):
onto a path of safety, security,trust, and being cherished
because that's all that yourancestors have ever wanted for
you.
Wendy (44:04):
That's beautiful. And it's also it's an innate
superpower.
Alanna (44:10):
Yeah. Yeah.
Wendy (44:12):
Why wouldn't you want to have your intuition in your back
pocket? Or
Alanna (44:18):
And the thing is, is it doesn't have to make sense. It
doesn't We need to giveourselves permission that logic
is not intuition. And I knowthat we love logic and people
are always asking us, well, canyou be more logical? Can you be
more reasonable in this case?No.
And don't. Just stop. If you tryto force logic and reason onto
(44:40):
intuition, you're going to loseand you're going to quiet your
intuition. Your intuition speaksmore loudly the more you listen
to it and the more you trust itand it does not have to make
sense. It's an inner knowingthat is yours that is going to
lead you in a place and adirection that eventually will
make sense but you're going haveto live through it.
So having some faith in yourintuition is incredibly
(45:01):
important. You don't have toknow where it comes from. You
don't have to know what itmeans. You don't have to justify
it in any way, but you do haveto follow it. Please.
Yeah. At all costs.
Wendy (45:16):
One of the things that really struck me too when I was
reading your book was the wholeneeding to apologize for
everything.
Alanna (45:24):
Yeah. Yeah. We have to stop apologizing, for the bad
behavior of the masculine.That's
Wendy (45:33):
What do you mean by
Alanna (45:34):
that? Well, I feel like we make a lot of excuses for the
bad behavior of the masculine wejust try to absorb it
Wendy (45:44):
I got you okay we
Alanna (45:44):
try to accept it we try to say oh you know he didn't
mean that or oh you know whatit's it's just locker room talk
it's fine that's just what boysdo you know no actually boys
don't do that and they don'tneed to speak that way and they
never need to treat us poorlythere's no excuse making for
(46:06):
that. And we as women never needto apologize for being who we
are. Men don't do that. Mendon't apologize for themselves.
Wendy (46:15):
So true.
Alanna (46:16):
Apology is reserved for when we actually screw up.
Wendy (46:20):
Then it's more meaningful. Yeah.
Alanna (46:22):
Yeah. Well, that's the only time apology is necessary.
I even, you know, was caught outonce. Apparently, in The UK
saying excuse me is like anapology and as an American we
say excuse me when we're justtrying to get by somebody.
Wendy (46:38):
Right.
Alanna (46:39):
Right and it's like well I don't need to excuse myself
for getting to where I need togo so there's a lot of kind of
ingrained training again. On howwe apologize for ourselves. I'm
so sorry I'm late. No, it'slike, I am late. You know, here
I am.
Wendy (46:55):
I'm owning it. Yeah.
Alanna (46:56):
I'm owning it. I had, I was very busy and I'm glad to be
here. We apologize for speakingtoo loudly. We apologize for our
bad hair day. We apologize forbeing emotional.
It's like, if you kick off whatyou're about to say with I'm so
(47:16):
sorry but then everything thatyou say afterward has no meaning
or influence or power. So Iwould like, I would strongly
encourage women and this is apractice to stop apologizing for
anything at all.
Wendy (47:33):
Okay, I'm sorry.
Alanna (47:36):
Right, unless you actually screw up then fine pull
it out but otherwise just stopit.
Wendy (47:43):
Yeah and really if you're saying it just to say it, it's
meaningless.
Alanna (47:49):
But it's a way to minimize ourselves further. It's
a way affirming the fact thatwe're feminine and we're less
valuable and important. I'm sosorry, excuse me. Can I sit down
here?
Wendy (48:06):
I'm sorry for existing.
Alanna (48:08):
I'm sorry for existing. Take up space. May I take up
just a little bit of space,please? Of course you can.
Wendy (48:15):
As the I cringe as you're saying all that.
Alanna (48:18):
Know. Know. Know. We're all
Wendy (48:19):
guilty of it I think.
Alanna (48:20):
So guilty and the image that comes to mind.
Wendy (48:23):
Oh man.
Alanna (48:24):
I have a PhD in mythology so I've got all these
beautiful stories of mythologyfrom around the world cultures
and religions. One of myfavorite stories of the
masculine and feminine comesfrom Hinduism of the inception
of the universe and the story ofwhere it comes from. And the in
this tradition, the masculine isvery still and and truly the
(48:47):
masculine at its best. It willbe still. It will be
intentional.
It will have presence. It willhave connection. It will have
stability, steadiness. Wow.Right?
So, the Naz is still beautiful,steady, masculine turns, just
for some reason, has this hasthis inkling that over there is
(49:10):
something to pay attention toand and turns slightly to see
the feminine who is waiting withall that aliveness and energy
inside of her body and she seesthe masculine turn and she
starts dancing and moving andshe's uncontainable so she
expands rapidly and beautifullyto fit her environment and the
(49:35):
masculine wraps her and holdsher in this container and she
just gets to exist wherever shewants to within it and he holds
the space. The feminine is big,it's wild, it's loud, it's
raucous, it's opinionated. Ithas ideas. It creates things. It
(49:57):
thinks of things that were neverthere before.
And the masculine holds it andmakes it happen. Yes please.
Wendy (50:05):
Partnership.
Alanna (50:06):
Exactly. That's relational. That's relational.
Wendy (50:11):
And that is not the seed of our cultural worldview is
relational. It's colonial mind.It's domination of the
environment. Individualized.Yes, that fierce independence
and
Alanna (50:27):
Yes.
Wendy (50:28):
Yeah. So you're talking more about indigenous mind,
which is relational. It's likein relationship with everything.
Alanna (50:36):
Absolutely. And yes, it is indigenous mind, but it's
also simply how our brain works.Like this is inbuilt. What we're
experiencing with thisindividualism and this
colonialism is unnatural for ourbiology, our psyche, our general
makeup as human beings. It isnot how we've evolved to where
(50:58):
we are now.
We didn't get this far withthese big brains in our heads by
ourselves. We did it throughrelationality. We did it through
partnership with others. Sowe're built that way. To try and
deny that is it's actuallydetrimental for everybody and
causes suffering everywhere.
Wendy (51:15):
Well, yeah. And if you think about it, that's the only
way evolution can happenpersonally or collectively is
when we bump up against eachother. Like if you're sitting in
a mountain cave somewheremeditating, you're never gonna
Yeah. Yeah. You know what
Alanna (51:31):
I mean? You cannot achieve the personal growth you
seek by yourself. Right. Youjust can't. I mean, luck trying.
You can do some, you candefinitely do some, but you're
not gonna get to the top of themountain on your own.
Wendy (51:46):
Excellent point. Okay, so Permission to Disrupt.
Alanna (51:52):
Yeah.
Wendy (51:53):
Yeah, I love that title of one of your chapters.
Alanna (51:57):
It's my favorite chapter. I'm not
Wendy (51:58):
gonna All right, so talk a little bit about that as we're
winding down the conversation.
Alanna (52:02):
Right. So I guess this kind of goes back to the women
apologizing for themselves.We've been taught to stay small,
stay meek, don't questionauthority, don't question your
reality, just accept, move on.And by the way, exhaust yourself
serving that reality that wasn'tmeant for you. Women are
questioners.
I also try to take back the terminquisition in the book because
(52:26):
an inquisition is an inquiry andit's a term that's been used
against us in history for womenwho had ideas and questioned
their reality, they werequestioned back and tortured and
worse. But the Inquisition of aWoman is part of how we make,
how we as the feminine help tomake the world better. We're
(52:48):
like the canary in the coal mineif you know that story. Coal
miners used to have a littlecanary in a little cage down in
the coal mine because its lungsare so delicate and soft and
smaller. And if the air was tootoxic before it hurt them, it
killed the canary first.
Wendy (53:04):
Right.
Alanna (53:05):
So, they looked to the canary to see if the environment
was safe and good. All women arelike that. We are going to be
the first to feel when somethingneeds change. And the thing that
I know and that you know andthat all women listening know is
when you feel that sense ofdiscomfort, it doesn't rest.
Wendy (53:27):
So true.
Alanna (53:28):
It will not go away. It will fester inside of you until
you speak up and do somethingabout it. And historically, and
even now, it has been dangerousfor women to speak up. But
that's part of how we've gottenhere. We just keep letting
things be the same.
So we have to disrupt. We needto speak up. Because it is women
(53:52):
who are at the forefront ofanything changing. The masculine
will not do it on its own. Thefeminine will do it.
The feminine will say, This iswhere the course needs to shift.
This is how things need to bedifferent. This is where I'm
uncomfortable. This is where Ineed a greater sense of comfort.
And it will be to your detrimentif you don't speak up.
It will be to your detriment ifyou don't disrupt. It will be to
(54:14):
your detriment if you continueto live with that sense of
discomfort. It can actuallycause you harm physically. It
can create illness inside ofyou. It increases stress which
of course is detrimental.
So I absolutely give womenpermission to disrupt their
environment, their familystructures, their career, their
(54:37):
friendships, anything where theyfeel a sense of discomfort or
diminishment, it's time toquestion.
Wendy (54:46):
Beautiful. All right. So Alana, the ways in which you
work with people, you referenceda course?
Alanna (54:56):
Yes. I have several online courses. You can find
them all at my website,thesatisfiedwoman.com. So I've
got a few different courses. Oneis Stop Calling Us Crazy, which
is a guide to surviving everyday in the patriarchy, because
we have to.
Another course actually bringsmy book, The Satisfied Woman, to
life and gives you practicalguidance and exercises to get
(55:18):
the four keys established, tounderstand what healthy
partnership looks like, toreally go through life as a
satisfied woman. And I also havea course called From Self to
Attracting the Relationship YouDeserve, because that's a huge
consideration for femininewomen. We need the support of a
masculine partner at some pointin our lives to really flourish
(55:42):
and I want them to find it. Sothose are the three courses I
have so far. I also have an appwith a built in community for
women to connect and talk toeach other and discuss how to
become more satisfied in thislife.
I've got a blog and I have myown podcast too, and it's all
found at thesatisfiedwoman.com.
Wendy (55:57):
All right. So just a quick little side note, what
about same sex relationships?
Alanna (56:03):
Yeah, absolutely. Do it. Do it any way that you want to.
There's no boundaries on this.Remember, every human has both
feminine and masculine And whatwe want is simply an
oppositional polarity within anintimate partnership.
It doesn't matter the gender,the sex, the orientation, how
long you're in that partnership,what that looks like for you,
(56:25):
all things are awesomely okay.And the opposing polarity
between two individuals iswhat's going to give a
relationship that fire, thatspecial sauce, the ability to
evolve and grow. That's withintimate partnership. Obviously,
can have friendships andeverything else with any
polarity, but intimatepartnership, you're going to do
(56:46):
well to find someone on anopposing polarity than you
whatever body they inhabit. Ilove it.
Wendy (56:53):
And I have to say very inspiring. I really appreciate
you coming on and chatting withme and sharing your message loud
and clear.
Alanna (57:02):
Absolutely. It's it's been my pleasure. Thank you so
much for having me.
Wendy (57:07):
You all fired up now? Ready to listen to those innate
intuitions and let your emotionstell their stories? Are you
ready to feel satisfied? To takeone of Alana's online courses,
buy her book, or listen to theSatisfied Woman podcast, please
visit thesatisfiedwoman.com.Alrighty.
(57:29):
We're more than halfway throughseason seven. How did that
happen? Thanks for listening tothis man bashing episode. I hope
the rest of your day is abeautiful one. Claire and I will
be back in a few weeks with theRaven's Daughter episode.
Until next time.
This is Wendy Halley, and you're listening to Lucid Cafe.
(00:31):
Hey. Welcome to another episodeof Lucid Cafe, a podcast
exploring healing,consciousness, and the
complexities of being human.Alright. Getting close to the
release of Raven's Daughter, mynew metaphysical fantasy book,
which if all goes well, will beavailable on May 27.
(00:52):
Fingers crossed. I'm thinkingthat the theme of this book,
which is actually about a mindvirus of deception, might be
timely. What do you think?! Ithought I'd share a glimpse of
the storyline. Are you ready?
I'm such a dork. Alright. Herewe go. In a battle between
(01:14):
dreams and deception, the fateof reality rests in the hands of
a reluctant shapeshifter.Meredith Heller, one of the
authors who was kind enough tocontribute an endorsement for
the book, suggests that "Raven'sDaughter speaks to the critical
junction we face at this momentin our human evolution."
(01:35):
It's a bit intimidating to shareyour work with others,
especially when it's a projectthat means a lot to you. But
when someone you admire andrespect reacts that kind of
favorably to it, and that's justa snippet of Meredith's glowing
endorsement, I can't help butfeel like it was worth the
zillion hours it seemed to taketo bring this story to life.
(01:59):
Alright. I'll shut up about itfor now. Well, I'll shut up
about it until the next episodewhen my old podcast buddy Claire
joins me on Lucid Cafe to talkabout Raven's Daughter in a lot
more detail.
And then you can hear the storybehind the story. It was so fun
(02:21):
to get the band back togetheragain. Claire and I cohosted an
irreverent and frequentlyinappropriate advice podcast
back in 2019 called Inside theBox with Claire and Wendy. I'll
throw a link in the show notesif you wanna check it out. You
never know when you might needsome advice about, like,
about maybe how to start a cult.
(02:44):
We got you covered. Alright. Intoday's episode, I speak with
the inspiring Alanna Kaivalyaabout the inherent yet lost
power of the feminine. Althoughwomen today have greater
opportunity to make our ownchoices, build independent
lives, and craft powerfulcareers, we all too often forge
(03:05):
our path by following thetrajectory laid out by men. By
emulating what men identify asdesirable goals and strategies,
we deny our truest most innatefeminine qualities and desires.
This episode is not aboutbashing men. It's just an
invitation to let your innatequalities rise to the surface.
(03:27):
Alanna's new book, The Way ofthe Satisfied Woman offers an
alternative path for women andfor any person who cares to
focus more on the feminine thanthe masculine. The path of the
feminine is simply different.Perfect in its own right yet
integral and complementary tothe path of the masculine.
(03:47):
In this conversation and in herbook, Alanna shows us how
embodying feminine energy setsus free, relaxes us, and allows
us to more completely manifestthe things that are most
important to us, includingconnection, communion, and
compassion. Alana is a bestselling author, educator,
(04:07):
thought leader, and expert onmythology, spirituality,
psychology, and women'sempowerment. The author of
Sacred Sound and Myths of theAsanas, she earned a doctorate
in mythological studies with anemphasis in-depth psychology
from Pacifica Graduate Instituteand is the host of the satisfied
woman podcast. Please enjoy myconversation with Alanna
(04:33):
Kaivalya. Alanna, thank you somuch for joining me.
Alanna (04:39):
Absolutely. It's a pleasure.
Wendy (04:42):
You have a new book out. It's called The Way of the
Satisfied Woman, ReclaimingFeminine Power. It strikes me as
a calling card.
Alanna (04:54):
That's a great way to put it, actually. Yeah.
Wendy (04:57):
And, you know, I have to say, it struck me that you're a
woman on a mission. I could feelyour passion around your
messaging. Like, please, please.
Alanna (05:11):
Absolutely. Yeah. It's I mean, it's time. Really, it's
time. And I I have felt thecalling, truly a calling, to
write this book for probablyabout fifteen years.
That's how long I've beentalking about femininity to
women and letting these ideasand the things that I write
about percolate within me,talking to them with my
(05:32):
audience. Something really droveme to get this done about a year
and a half ago. I felt reallycompelled. All I can think about
is that it was some sort ofdivine outreach coming through
me saying a lot of this needs tohappen now because having its
(05:53):
release a couple of months agoand being out at this time, I
mean, women are going through somuch right now. And I can't
imagine that the timing couldhave been better for this
project.
Wendy (06:03):
Yeah, it does seem that way, doesn't it?
Alanna (06:06):
It does.
Wendy (06:09):
Kind of a shit show.
Alanna (06:11):
Yeah, there's a lot going on. We have a lot to
contend with. I think one of thegreat advantages is that the
time that we live in affords usas women more opportunities,
chances, and choices than everbefore. There are things that
you and I can do today that evenour mothers couldn't do. It
(06:32):
wasn't until I believe themid-80s that a woman could even
have her own bank accountwithout a man co signing for it.
Wendy (06:39):
Get the hell out.
Alanna (06:40):
I promise that's true. I mean, think about even the
sexual revolution of womenhaving birth control and being
able to take charge of their ownbodies and make decisions about
family planning. I mean, that'swithin the last fifty to sixty
years. So we have opportunitiesright now that are brand new for
us, but what we don't have is alegacy of what to do with these
(07:03):
choices or a culture thatcenters and values what's
important to the feminine woman.We live in a patriarchal culture
that has been designed primarilyby men and for men.
While that's great for them, itwasn't designed and built for
us. So we have the chance rightnow to question our environment,
(07:26):
to question our culture, andinstead of continuing along
traditional pathways and modelsof success and what life should
look like, we can instead thinkabout what life needs to look
like for us as women and centerour own values. So that's really
(07:47):
what propelled me into this workand into this conversation. Just
the recognition that things aredifferent for us and it doesn't
make it better or worse. It'sactually fine that there are
differences between themasculine and feminine.
One is not more valuable thanthe other. So we have a lot of
work to do to revaluefemininity, but also to inquire
(08:09):
within ourselves about what'simportant to us and what models
for satisfaction look like forthe modern day woman.
Wendy (08:16):
So much to unpack there. The question that's been burning
for me is I would love to hearyour take on how women got so
lost in the mix.
Alanna (08:28):
Yeah. I don't I don't think we intended it. I think we
were bamboozled.
Wendy (08:32):
Okay.
Alanna (08:32):
If you look up how old the patriarchy is, we get
answers from between8,000 and 3,000 years. They've
had many millennia of trainingin diminishing femininity, in
even training us that thequalities that make us powerful
(08:54):
feminine women are not admired,not valued, are even potentially
dangerous or scary. If you thinkabout one of my basic examples
that everybody knows of are thewitch trials, the Salem witch
trials.
Women, who have a powerfulintuition, which is one of the
most incredible qualities offemininity, were not just
(09:18):
diminished and devalued, butterrorized, tortured, and burned
at the stake. Because women'sintuition, women's emotional
depth, the things that make ustruly powerful, unique, able to
manifest the greatest potentialof our lives are the things that
can potentially destabilizepatriarchal power and
(09:42):
centralization. So there's beena lot of work done to try and
minimize that. Even in our eyes,I think many women don't even
wake up in the morning andrealize how minimized and
oppressed they are because it'sjust we've it's just what we
know. You know?
It's just our normal everydaylives.
Wendy (10:01):
I was just gonna comment on that. I mean, this tendency
goes back thousands of years.Right? It's become kind of a
baseline and a norm. So howwould you even know that you've
lost yourself or that you arecomplicit or a victim of, I
(10:22):
guess, I don't know, for lack ofa better word, I guess a
cultural worldview?
Alanna (10:27):
I think there's much more presentation in the culture
of this term privilege in thelast five, maybe even ten years,
but definitely the last fiveyears. Culturally, we're
starting to recognize whereprivilege is a problem. My best
definition of privilege isrights that we didn't earn.
(10:49):
There are people in this culturewho walk around with privilege
rights they didn't earn. Theycan just move freely.
They can do what they wantwithout consequence. I think for
women, the best place to startis to notice where things are
uncomfortable, where there isdiscomfort. That's one of the
little triggers that thefeminine has to know that there
(11:10):
needs to be a course correction.Something that I talk about in
my Stop Calling Us Crazy courseis that women by default, we
wake up every day and we have tocarefully navigate our day. We
have to actually take energy andtime and consideration to make
(11:33):
sure that when we say something,it's going to land well on the
ears of our audience,particularly if that audience is
of the masculine persuasion.
We have to consider how we showup in our business or our
career. If we show up with toomany ideas, then we're called
bossy. If we show up with toomuch direction and confidence,
(11:54):
we're then called bitchy. And inour relationships, we really
have to temper our natural cycleof emotions, which is part of
the gift of being a biologicalfemale. Those hormonal shifts
every month are for a reason anda purpose.
They're like the litmus test forhow we are in our world and by
(12:15):
default, everyone else that isin that world with us. And when
we have an emotional response tosomething, when we second guess
it, when we oppress it, thatcauses suffering for us. But the
reason is we're trying to softenthe blow for those around us
because if we're too emotionalwe're called crazy. So these are
(12:36):
just little things that arebuilt into the culture every day
that women have to deal with allthe time that don't allow us to
manifest really who we are. Wehave to keep ourselves on
lockdown almost everywhere wego.
Wendy (12:49):
It strikes me as you're talking of just how insidious it
is too because it's such a Imean, you think generation after
generation after generation,women have been kind of passing
these messages of put yourselfon the back burner, keep your
mouth shut.
Alanna (13:07):
Yep. And we're even taught that that's what a woman
is. Right? That a woman issupposed to be quiet because
that's what her value That we'resupposed to smile because we're
so pretty when we smile. Ifwe're not smiling, well then we
better change it.
We have bought into this conceptthat women are meek, we're soft,
(13:28):
we're complacent, we'resubservient. None of those
qualities in my research arecoincidental with femininity.
The feminine isn't quiet. Thefeminine is wild, loud, vibrant,
unpredictable, changeable. Yes,moody, emotional.
That's part of our gift. Whereis the value for those qualities
(13:55):
in this culture? In writing thisbook, I felt a tremendous
responsibility and also arecognition that there's a lot
of work to be done here. Notonly do I feel like I need to
not convince women but maybeawaken them to the fact that the
(14:19):
life that they're living thatthey've been given wasn't built
for them, but to also retrainthem to what femininity is.
Because a lot of women, theythink when I say something like,
Oh, The Way of the SatisfiedWoman.
In fact, here's a funny story. Ihave a new business with this
book. I sold my last businessand I'm going all in on this
project because of I believe howimportant it is.
Wendy (14:39):
Good for you!
Alanna (14:40):
Yeah. Thank you. So I went on Facebook and I started
my business page, The Way of theSatisfied Woman and I was shut
down.
Wendy (14:48):
What? Because
Alanna (14:50):
Facebook, I. E, the patriarchy, saw the title, The
Way of the Satisfied Woman, anddecided for itself that there's
only one way a woman can besatisfied and thought that I was
selling sex.
Wendy (15:02):
Get the fuck out.
Alanna (15:03):
Uh-uh, that's a true story. So I tried again, and I
was shut down again. Three timesFacebook has said no to me being
a satisfied woman because thenarrative is that if we're
satisfied, obviously someone ispleasing us sexually because
that's all that women want. Letme tell you, dear listener,
women want so much more thanthat, and satisfaction happens
(15:23):
on every level. And the reason Ichose that word and that title
for my book and this businessand this project is because I
was blown away by the definitionof satisfaction, which is you
ready for this?
Wendy (15:36):
I'm ready.
Alanna (15:37):
Satisfaction is defined as the pleasure derived from the
fulfillment of your wishes andneeds.
Wendy (15:47):
I see sex is not in there.
Alanna (15:50):
Isn't that weird? Yeah. I mean, could be. That could
that is actually one of ourneeds.
Wendy (15:56):
Yeah. You can be sexually satisfied, but it is not part of
the definition of satisfaction.
Alanna (16:02):
It is not. We are multifaceted human beings. We
have a lot of different needsand really novel idea. Planet
has has an desire to get theirneeds met. But for us to leave a
legacy and really make the mostof this life, we also want to
have our wishes tended to.
And what I loved about thisdefinition was the idea of
pleasure and fulfillment becausepleasure is an inherent feminine
(16:26):
quality. It is the feminine thatfeels pleasure. The feminine
runs pleasure through her bodyand then by nature that radiates
outward and that's actually howothers in her environment are
able to feel pleasure and joy.It comes through us. So we need
that.
We need to get that as much aspossible so that it benefits
those around us. Fulfillment tome is not linear. So in our
(16:50):
patriarchal culture, we'repretty hell bent on traditional
notions of success, which arevery linear and directed and at
all costs and sometimes at theexpense of others. The feminine
doesn't do things that way. Thefeminine is only feeling
pleasure and joy when those inher environment and her
community that she adores arealso happy and okay.
(17:12):
So feminine pleasure andsatisfaction is actually a
communal process. And it's alsoan ever evolving process. That
sense of fulfillment doesn'thave a finish line. It doesn't
have a goal. There's always aconversation happening, and
there's a constant daily feelingof satisfaction, fulfillment,
pleasure in this process, whichis why it's both feminine and
(17:36):
necessary for women today.
Wendy (17:38):
Beautiful. You know what would be probably a good
direction to go in right now isto define feminine versus
masculine.
Alanna (17:47):
Absolutely. So there I mean, there are there are a lot
of qualities to each and neitheris better than the other. It's
simply that our culture hascentered masculinity and not
even a good version of it. Thisis where we get this idea of
toxic masculinity.
Wendy (18:04):
Toxic masculinity.
Alanna (18:06):
I don't like the word toxic because that to me
indicates a poison that can't befixed. I say distorted. We just
change the distortion and we getback to the original energy
because the original energy ofsome of these masculine
principles are actuallybeautiful and great. The other
thing I want to say before I domy definition is that every
human has both masculine andfeminine within them. Okay?
So even the most feminine womanat times will want to bring
(18:31):
forward some of the masculineenergy in order to get shit
done, get to a deadline, be aleader in a community. We can
kind of navigate our way throughboth at all times. However,
every human will lean more toone than the other and that's
what I call our naturalpolarity. So, masculinity at its
(18:52):
peak, it's it's two greatestqualities are logic and reason.
Masculinity loves logic andreason.
It also loves direction,completion, leadership, and
nurturing. It loves to makethings grow and to foster
things. Femininity at itsforemost, its greatest qualities
(19:16):
are its intuition and emotionaldepth. It is also creative. It
has the ability to create fromalmost nothing and whether
that's procreation or just anyform of creativity, that's in
built within the feminine.
We are also pleasure filled. Weare community oriented and we
(19:38):
love collaboration andconnection. So, again, there's a
lot of qualities under bothheadings but those tend to be
the primary ones that we thinkabout and speak about most often
and the feminine is nourishingand receptive. So, the feminine
is if you think about thefeminine as a a literal
(19:58):
receptacle. I mean, think aboutjust sort of the most base
heterosexual version of sex.
Right. Heaven and receives, themasculine penetrates. So, we
also are filled when weprocreate with that creative
energy inside of a womb. Sothere is a receptivity that is
inherent in our nature, meaningwe want to take in, we want to
(20:20):
be nourished, we want to acceptand receive. Now you find me a
woman today who's capable ofsitting back relaxing and
receiving because we've beentrained out of it.
We're here. They're like, oh no,we need to be all things for
everybody. We need to do allthings for everybody. We need to
(20:41):
be inexhaustibly available atall times. Our worth is in how
much we can give.
And if we don't continue giving,we are worth less. That is an
incorrect.
Wendy (20:53):
Makes me want to take a nap just thinking about all of
Alanna (20:55):
Yeah, think
Wendy (20:56):
a lot women And that is how I live my life though.
Alanna (20:59):
Yeah, yeah and a lot of women could use a nap but what
happens when the feminine shiftsinto receptivity is that she
inspires the masculine aroundher to give. And one of the
greatest things the masculinedoes for the feminine is to be
generous, to provide, toprotect. Okay, now, I know that
(21:23):
those like, it's not old schoolnotions of providership. I don't
need a man to make me money.Especially not today.
But we are in partnership. Thisis a relational world. And when
there is a masculine present,that providership can be just
his presence. It can be hislove. It can be the services
rendered.
Like, there are a lot of ways.So, we don't have to go to that
(21:45):
sort of full definition becausethat triggers me too. Trust me
but provide is a masculinetenant. The ability to step up
and go, the feminine is in need.Let me generously give.
Right?
Wendy (21:58):
Not dictate. Correct. Yeah.
Alanna (22:01):
Not dictate. Not power over but power with. It is the
the beauty, the creativity, thewildness of the feminine that
inspires the masculine toaction. And the masculine loves
to act. If the feminine is doingit for the masculine all the
time, the masculine is actuallydisempowered.
Wendy (22:20):
Yeah. There's imbalance. Yeah.
Alanna (22:21):
It's a distortion.
Wendy (22:25):
You you know what is coming to mind? I have a
shamanic bent. Yeah. And ashamanic practice, long time
practice. And I'm thinking aboutsome indigenous prophecies that
were revealed back remember theMayan calendar at the end of the
end of the the world in 2012?
Alanna (22:43):
Survived 2012. Yeah.
Wendy (22:46):
Yeah. Well, at that time, I mean, it was basically looking
at the Mayan long countcalendar.
Alanna (22:52):
Right.
Wendy (22:52):
And some of the indigenous folks revealed some
of their prophecies at thattime. And they were talking
about they were in a atransition from one world age to
a new world age.
Alanna (23:06):
Sure.
Wendy (23:06):
And the suggestion was that the world age and they
typically last about fivethousand ish years, the world
ages. At least that's the Mayanlong count calendar is a little
over five thousand years inlength. And the world age that's
coming to a close right now wasdominated by the masculine. And
that the new world age thatwe're entering allegedly, if I
(23:30):
understood it correctly, is abalance between the masculine
and the feminine.
Alanna (23:34):
Yeah.
Wendy (23:35):
So perfect timing, Alana.
Alanna (23:37):
I mean, I'm I'm I'm on program. I I want it to happen,
and I believe in that. You know,I don't even this might sound
strange to listeners given thatI've just written written the
book, The Way of the SatisfiedWoman but I I'm not even looking
for the patriarchy to shift to amatriarchy. I don't want any
more of this power over. Youknow?
Wendy (23:57):
I'll drink to that.
Alanna (23:59):
Yeah. I I want power with. And there's so much
benefit in partnership andcollaboration and you know
another detriment of thepatriarchy that we live in is
this idea of power over but alsothe emphasis on individualism
and individuality and this DIYnature of things. I mean, I I
(24:19):
certainly bought into it as ayoung woman. Do things at all
cost.
You you can do it by yourself.You don't need anybody else.
Succeed at all costs. You too.Yeah.
Wendy (24:28):
I'm guilty. Yep. Absolutely. You're independent.
Alanna (24:31):
Yeah. Sure. Because that's all we know and that's
what we hold up as the pillar ofaccomplishment but what what
that also does, unfortunately,is it isolates us and we do know
psychologically speaking thatone of the best ways to gain
power over someone is to isolatethem and our brains, everyone,
(24:53):
you know, anybody, brains, ourpsyche are hardwired for
connection. We're here to berelational beings. It is
actually impossible to live anentire life on your own.
Wendy (25:06):
True. People
Alanna (25:08):
are just there and people have an effect on you.
And the way that you relate toand with others will make or
break really your existence inthis life. So I want us to let
go of that individuality, I wantto let go of that power over and
really get back to therelationality. And one of the
things I talk about in the bookis that, yes, there's a lot of
(25:31):
work for women to do,Absolutely. But number one, we
didn't get ourselves in thisspot and so we can't get
ourselves out.
So, part of the work we have todo is to actually inspire and
encourage those around us, thosewho love us, to work with us, to
really be all in on this projectof creating our satisfaction
(25:51):
because it's going to trickleout to them and I don't know if
you're from a place where thiswas a saying in your family but
it wasn't mine. If mama ain'thappy, ain't nobody happy.
Wendy (26:01):
No, that was not a saying in my family.
Alanna (26:03):
Right? Mama or not, all of us, feminine women, are
mamas.
Wendy (26:08):
I did like it though, yeah.
Alanna (26:12):
So if the lady's not happy, it is impossible in any
environment, in any community,that if the woman is
uncomfortable, diminished,repressed, that's going to
result in discomfort andunhappiness for everyone.
Wendy (26:29):
Right, so fellas, you're doing us a disservice, I guess,
right? Yeah. Well, as you'retalking, it does feel
overwhelming. It's like, how doyou step forward and break away
from those patterns when they'reso deeply unconscious.
Alanna (26:47):
Yeah. And ingrained in everybody. Mhmm. Look. It is a
problem.
I recognize it as a problem. Iwrite about it as a problem. And
I Right. I live in this worldtoo. And this world was not
meant for us.
And it is and can be dangerouson many levels for women. I know
that we are going to have to dowork. I know that there are
(27:08):
areas of some women's lives thatthey will not be able to change
but what I want to offer are atleast some steps for greater
satisfaction and some pathwaysto at least recognizing where
shift can occur. I'm a huge fanof curating. I love curating our
life to the greatest extent thatwe can.
You know, firing friends,setting strict boundaries on
(27:32):
people who really don't serveand uplift us, shifting a
situation where we can tosomething that is more
nourishing for us. And then, youknow, to me, this work on an
individual level starts with thefour keys. So, I outline in my
(27:52):
book these four keys that arethe foundation for what can be a
satisfied life because I I don'twant to tell women that I don't
want to tell what they should door how they should do it but
really kind of get them back totheir femininity themselves
because it's not about beingbarefoot in the kitchen fixing
dinner.
Wendy (28:09):
Right.
Alanna (28:10):
You could be changing your oil in your motorcycle and
ready for a three day ride as afeminine woman. So, it's not
about the what or the thing butabout how you do it. Can you get
to that place in your femininityand you can. You're going to
you're going to ride thatmotorcycle differently than a
masculine person. You're you'regoing to cook dinner.
Wendy (28:31):
I do actually. Yeah.
Alanna (28:32):
Right? Yeah. So, you know, the way that you do
things, if you can do it from afeminine way and and women are
really we're trained to don themasculine mask to survive.
Wendy (28:47):
Yeah, I was hoping you would talk about that. Yeah.
Alanna (28:50):
Yeah, that's a huge problem. So it's a safety
mechanism. I get it. It's morevalued. And so we have to armor
ourselves.
We have to man up for the world,but that also does a world the
disservice because they don'tsee us as who we are. And so
they can't respond to ournatural femininity. If they see
us as a masculine being, theyare going to shift into the
(29:12):
feminine. And that's not what weneed.
Wendy (29:14):
Right. But it makes sense that we would role model
ourselves after men because wedidn't have any healthy examples
of femininity.
Alanna (29:24):
Right. Because it hasn't been safe to be in women. Right.
Wendy (29:28):
And you don't even how do you know where to start if you
have so it's like, you look tothe successful men, and then
you're like, I'll just I'll justcopy what they're doing.
Alanna (29:38):
Right. Because that's been the only roadmap, which is
why we need a new roadmap, whichis part of the book. Let me
Wendy (29:44):
go back to
Alanna (29:44):
the four keys. Don't want to leave listeners hanging
on the
Wendy (29:47):
Yes, please.
Alanna (29:48):
The four keys are required for this path of
satisfaction to begin. So,number one is a sense of safety.
Safe to be yourself in yourbody, your mind, your heart, in
any environment, okay? Just asense of safety, security, to
know that your needs are beingmet either by yourself or those
(30:08):
around you, a sense of trust inyourself to make good decisions
for yourself and in those whooccupy your space, you need to
trust your world around you Andthe last one is to be cherished
by the masculine. So again,whether that's your own internal
masculine effectively offeringcherishing or bowing down to the
(30:29):
needs of the feminine or themasculine counterparts in your
world, no matter what relationyou have to them family,
intimate partnerships,friendships the masculine
cherishes you and for themasculine to cherish the
feminine this is my favoritedefinition the masculine never
leaves her alone in her painwithout finding a solution.
(30:53):
So the masculine effectivelyupholds the importance of the
feminine intuition and emotionsAnd when intuition and emotions
arise, the masculine applies itsincredible logic and reason, its
problem solving, its focus, itsdirection, its action to say, Oh
my gosh, I can see that there isdiscomfort here. Tell me more
(31:16):
and let's alleviate it. Andthat's how we change course.
That's how we get the masculinemoving in a direction that is
actually beneficial for all, notjust them.
Wendy (31:27):
The message we get though is to dismiss our emotions,
right? Yes. In our culture, it'sabout we try to get rid of
symptoms, right? So if you haveemotional disruption or
disharmony,
Alanna (31:39):
Yeah.
Wendy (31:40):
You're angry or you're sad or whatever. It's like,
well, I gotta eliminate Yeah.Instead of listen to it. It
there's a story there behind thesymptom. Yeah.
And then also the whole beinglabeled, you're too emotional
and you're crazy. I I could justtell a little story real quick.
(32:00):
Yeah. When I when I decided thatI had made a really poor
decision by getting married tomy least favorite husband
Alanna (32:10):
I did that too.
Wendy (32:12):
I I the I mean, ignoring all of the red flags and all of
all of the things, but it justhit me on an it was like a
Wednesday afternoon, and then byFriday, I was, like, driving
home about to tell him that Iwas done, and we had just gotten
married. We'd been together fornine years, got married in the
(32:34):
ninth year, and then we're,like, seven months into the
marriage. Wow. And I was like,what the hell did I do? Big
light went off in my head.
And I sat him down and I toldhim, and he said, I think you're
having a mental breakdown. And Iwas like, actually, I've never
been more lucid in my life.Yeah. But that reaction was
(32:58):
encapsulating what you'redescribing.
Alanna (33:01):
And you're not alone. I recently watched a TV show
called George and Tammy aboutGeorge Jones and Tammy Wynette,
the country singers.
Wendy (33:10):
Yeah.
Alanna (33:11):
And she was married in her 20s. It was probably in the
1950s or so and same experiencethat she was ready. She's like
this guy is not for me. I'mready to leave him and the
reaction back then was not justto say oh you must be crazy.
They actually put her in aninstitution and she suffered
electroshock therapy more than adozen times because a woman must
(33:34):
be crazy to not want the manthat she's with.
Wendy (33:38):
Yeah. How sad is that? Well, and then you think about
Freud had a big influence inthat, calling women hysterical
if they were
Alanna (33:47):
Actually, that started from the Greeks.
Wendy (33:49):
Oh, really?
Alanna (33:50):
It's been since Greeks. We we've been doing this
hysteria thing that women arehysterical. Their wombs wander
around their body and cause themto be emotional. And, boy, we
just don't want that. That is, Imean this is you know this is
patriarchal.
It's patriarchal because there'snothing wrong with a woman's
healthy expression of emotions.There's nothing wrong with a
(34:11):
woman's inner temperature sayingthat there's discomfort here,
things need to change, thisdoesn't feel right. She's gonna
feel it first and if it's notright for her, I promise it's
not right for anyone elseeither. But the masculine
doesn't like to change. Womenexist in change.
(34:31):
Our whole lives are changed.Every twenty eight days we
experience tremendous change. Wehave two major bodily changes
throughout our lifetime. Changeis just at the heart of who we
are. We have to live with it.
We have to adjust to it. We'remore used to it. The masculine
doesn't have those emotionalfluctuations or those biological
(34:52):
fluctuations. They get themcomfortable with change. They
just want to stay the coursethey don't want to be bothered
everything is fine nothing tosee here but everything is not
fine sometimes and sometimesthere is something to see so it
is the feminine's job to say heymasculine time to shift time to
course correct.
And again, with that strong,powerful masculine energy who is
(35:12):
cherishing the feminine saying,yep, I don't want you
uncomfortable, let's shift.That's really how we progress
and move forward.
Wendy (35:19):
Yeah. I'm thinking that the men in our lives would have
to have a lot of self awarenessthough, right, to understand
that? Because it feels like we'dhave to be I can't imagine the
amount of courage it would taketo express your femininity in a
way that feels organic andnatural and have a real sense of
(35:40):
personal power.
Alanna (35:41):
That's the safety. That's one of those four keys.
And if you're with a partner ora friend or a family member that
you're not safe to share thatwith, Get out. Well, sometimes
you can and sometimes that's theright option. Sometimes a lot of
this has to do with impropertraining.
Wendy (36:02):
Improper training. What do you mean?
Alanna (36:04):
We're so enculturated. I don't know that anybody's Well,
there are actually really greatmen's work groups out there
doing this work for men andteaching them these things. But
most men haven't been told like,Hey, a lady's emotions are not
scary. Buckle in. It's going beall right.
Listen to her. And actually, shemight have something good to
present you. Who says that to ayoung man? A lot of the
(36:27):
narrative even for the masculineright now is still boys don't
cry. Boys don't cry.
Well, what? They cry. You're
Wendy (36:36):
only successful
Alanna (36:37):
if you continue to achieve. So there's not enough
training. I think what it takesthe masculine is love. I think
it takes the love. If the loveof the feminine, the cherishing
of the feminine to listen, Ifthey have the love and the their
their beloved feminine partnersays, hey, buddy.
(36:59):
Look, I'm actually reallyuncomfortable and I need your
help. The loving masculine willsnap to and listen. I absolutely
believe that. I don't think theproblem is men. I don't think
the problem is masculinity.
I think the problem is theindoctrination of the culture
and improper training.
Wendy (37:15):
That's a great reframe. Yeah.
Alanna (37:17):
Rather than just hit the eject button, because there's a
lot of good men out there. Andif you just say, Hey, here's
actually what I need. Thattraining, that clue and their
love for you will have them go,You know what, let me try. It
might be fits and starts, but Ilove you enough and let me try.
If they don't try, if they'reunwilling to shift, if they
(37:39):
won't listen, then maybe it's aninject button moment.
But I actually kind of cringeanymore with and this has been I
think a lot of our history andgrowing up with this culture is
if something doesn't work foryou, you just leave.
Wendy (37:56):
Gotcha, yeah.
Alanna (37:57):
Right, well, that's not always the best pathway to
realignment, to learning, togrowth. It stunts the growth of
both parties. So I would say atleast offer an opportunity. And
then if the opportunity is nottaken, assess your options.
Wendy (38:14):
Gotcha. Well, that's a good suggestion.
Alanna (38:17):
Yeah.
Wendy (38:17):
Yeah. Well if someone's working with you then I could
see that it would be worth theeffort.
Alanna (38:25):
Yeah. Yeah. Because we're working too. You know how
many women have grown up in anenvironment where they can just
emote freely without beingasked, Oh, are you on your
period? Or, Oh, you're soirrational right now.
I'll talk to you when you'remore logical. I think every
(38:46):
woman, I don't know a singlewoman who in her lifetime hasn't
at some point been called crazy,and even by someone that loves
her. We need practice too. Weneed to push these boundaries
and find out, hey, let mepractice feeling safe here. And
(39:08):
if I don't get a safe reaction,reassess and decide.
Let me practice trusting thisexperience. And if it's not
trustworthy, let me reassess anddecide. We're going to have to
try some of this on, especiallyif it's new in order to find out
what the pathway for our ownsatisfaction is.
Wendy (39:28):
Also a great point. I would love for you to talk a
little bit more about trustbecause to me that's such a big
word and it's it's not anautomatic for many of us,
especially when it comes toeither trusting ourselves or
trusting someone else or theworld at large or whatever. My
Alanna (39:49):
favorite concept or definition of trust actually
comes from the work of theGottmans who do a lot of work
with relationships and they'rebrilliant. They talk about trust
as always having, this would bein relationships, but I'll
translate it for individuals andfriendships too. Trust is always
(40:09):
having the other person'shighest interests in mind. So no
matter what you're doing, likelet's say you're out by yourself
and you receive a text messagefrom someone you maybe shouldn't
receive text messages from, ifyou are trustworthy, you'll look
at that text message and go, youknow what, my beloved partner,
(40:32):
if she finds out, this is goingto hurt her. Let me just either
shut it down or block anddelete.
So, it's an internal mechanismthat always has the highest
interest of the other person inmind. Now, for yourself, it's
having your own highest interestin mind. It's what the the the
Dalai Lama would callenlightened self interest. Now,
(40:54):
by pursuing your own highestgood, it's actually going to
trickle out and be the highestgood for everyone else around
you too but I know a lot ofwomen and maybe you do as well,
who compromise themselves andtheir own needs by making
choices they think is going tobenefit someone else, but puts
them at a detriment. That's nottrustworthy.
Wendy (41:14):
That's fascinating. Yeah, I'm thinking about the trend in
the shamanic healing sessionsI've facilitated over the last
decade or so. And one of thefirst places my helping spirits
go to, it seems, is thefoundation of trust within the
person, and that it's usuallyextremely damaged.
Alanna (41:36):
Yeah.
Wendy (41:36):
Or in some cases when the person is has a huge amount of
trauma, they have no foundationof trust. They're just sort of a
void inside of them.
Alanna (41:46):
Well, I can guarantee you one thing. What's that?
Trust for the feminine comesfrom listening to your
intuition. Pure and simple. It'ssomething that's inbuilt luckily
within all feminine if you're onthe feminine polarity.
I mean, everybody, look,everybody has a sense of
(42:07):
intuition, okay? We all havefeminine and masculine. You've
all got it. Right. But for thefeminine woman, it is stronger
and more powerful, but alsoprobably more important for us.
I know that anyone in their lifewho ignores their intuition will
not be served by that, butparticularly the feminine woman.
(42:29):
And the way that I like to thinkof this is it's the voices and
experience of all yourforemothers coming through time,
through your ancestry, throughyour DNA to speak to you. You
are benefiting from all theirincredible experiences and
wisdom and they don't want youto suffer. They don't because
(42:53):
they've been through it. They'vebeen far, they've been through
far worse than you will probablyever go through in your lifetime
but that doesn't diminish yourpain.
It doesn't diminish yoursuffering. Just know. You have
the benefit of this wisdom andwhen I hear my intuition, I
actually hear my owngrandmother's voice.
Wendy (43:10):
That's sweet.
Alanna (43:11):
Coming through time and you know, we have some of this
like I know that sounds fancifulbut there is a field of
epigenetics that talks about howso much of who you are is
actually built into your DNA anddetermined by the life your
grandmother lived. That her foodchoices, her access to food is
(43:32):
what creates uro digestion.There is a brain in your gut
that tells you things, what todo, how to be in the world, and
if you're not listening to it,you're you're kind of snubbing
your nose at all of the amazingwomen who have gone before you.
And if you trust your intuition,that is what is going to get you
(43:54):
onto a path of safety, security,trust, and being cherished
because that's all that yourancestors have ever wanted for
you.
Wendy (44:04):
That's beautiful. And it's also it's an innate
superpower.
Alanna (44:10):
Yeah. Yeah.
Wendy (44:12):
Why wouldn't you want to have your intuition in your back
pocket? Or
Alanna (44:18):
And the thing is, is it doesn't have to make sense. It
doesn't We need to giveourselves permission that logic
is not intuition. And I knowthat we love logic and people
are always asking us, well, canyou be more logical? Can you be
more reasonable in this case?No.
And don't. Just stop. If you tryto force logic and reason onto
(44:40):
intuition, you're going to loseand you're going to quiet your
intuition. Your intuition speaksmore loudly the more you listen
to it and the more you trust itand it does not have to make
sense. It's an inner knowingthat is yours that is going to
lead you in a place and adirection that eventually will
make sense but you're going haveto live through it.
So having some faith in yourintuition is incredibly
(45:01):
important. You don't have toknow where it comes from. You
don't have to know what itmeans. You don't have to justify
it in any way, but you do haveto follow it. Please.
Yeah. At all costs.
Wendy (45:16):
One of the things that really struck me too when I was
reading your book was the wholeneeding to apologize for
everything.
Alanna (45:24):
Yeah. Yeah. We have to stop apologizing, for the bad
behavior of the masculine.That's
Wendy (45:33):
What do you mean by
Alanna (45:34):
that? Well, I feel like we make a lot of excuses for the
bad behavior of the masculine wejust try to absorb it
Wendy (45:44):
I got you okay we
Alanna (45:44):
try to accept it we try to say oh you know he didn't
mean that or oh you know whatit's it's just locker room talk
it's fine that's just what boysdo you know no actually boys
don't do that and they don'tneed to speak that way and they
never need to treat us poorlythere's no excuse making for
(46:06):
that. And we as women never needto apologize for being who we
are. Men don't do that. Mendon't apologize for themselves.
Wendy (46:15):
So true.
Alanna (46:16):
Apology is reserved for when we actually screw up.
Wendy (46:20):
Then it's more meaningful. Yeah.
Alanna (46:22):
Yeah. Well, that's the only time apology is necessary.
I even, you know, was caught outonce. Apparently, in The UK
saying excuse me is like anapology and as an American we
say excuse me when we're justtrying to get by somebody.
Wendy (46:38):
Right.
Alanna (46:39):
Right and it's like well I don't need to excuse myself
for getting to where I need togo so there's a lot of kind of
ingrained training again. On howwe apologize for ourselves. I'm
so sorry I'm late. No, it'slike, I am late. You know, here
I am.
Wendy (46:55):
I'm owning it. Yeah.
Alanna (46:56):
I'm owning it. I had, I was very busy and I'm glad to be
here. We apologize for speakingtoo loudly. We apologize for our
bad hair day. We apologize forbeing emotional.
It's like, if you kick off whatyou're about to say with I'm so
(47:16):
sorry but then everything thatyou say afterward has no meaning
or influence or power. So Iwould like, I would strongly
encourage women and this is apractice to stop apologizing for
anything at all.
Wendy (47:33):
Okay, I'm sorry.
Alanna (47:36):
Right, unless you actually screw up then fine pull
it out but otherwise just stopit.
Wendy (47:43):
Yeah and really if you're saying it just to say it, it's
meaningless.
Alanna (47:49):
But it's a way to minimize ourselves further. It's
a way affirming the fact thatwe're feminine and we're less
valuable and important. I'm sosorry, excuse me. Can I sit down
here?
Wendy (48:06):
I'm sorry for existing.
Alanna (48:08):
I'm sorry for existing. Take up space. May I take up
just a little bit of space,please? Of course you can.
Wendy (48:15):
As the I cringe as you're saying all that.
Alanna (48:18):
Know. Know. Know. We're all
Wendy (48:19):
guilty of it I think.
Alanna (48:20):
So guilty and the image that comes to mind.
Wendy (48:23):
Oh man.
Alanna (48:24):
I have a PhD in mythology so I've got all these
beautiful stories of mythologyfrom around the world cultures
and religions. One of myfavorite stories of the
masculine and feminine comesfrom Hinduism of the inception
of the universe and the story ofwhere it comes from. And the in
this tradition, the masculine isvery still and and truly the
(48:47):
masculine at its best. It willbe still. It will be
intentional.
It will have presence. It willhave connection. It will have
stability, steadiness. Wow.Right?
So, the Naz is still beautiful,steady, masculine turns, just
for some reason, has this hasthis inkling that over there is
(49:10):
something to pay attention toand and turns slightly to see
the feminine who is waiting withall that aliveness and energy
inside of her body and she seesthe masculine turn and she
starts dancing and moving andshe's uncontainable so she
expands rapidly and beautifullyto fit her environment and the
(49:35):
masculine wraps her and holdsher in this container and she
just gets to exist wherever shewants to within it and he holds
the space. The feminine is big,it's wild, it's loud, it's
raucous, it's opinionated. Ithas ideas. It creates things. It
(49:57):
thinks of things that were neverthere before.
And the masculine holds it andmakes it happen. Yes please.
Wendy (50:05):
Partnership.
Alanna (50:06):
Exactly. That's relational. That's relational.
Wendy (50:11):
And that is not the seed of our cultural worldview is
relational. It's colonial mind.It's domination of the
environment. Individualized.Yes, that fierce independence
and
Alanna (50:27):
Yes.
Wendy (50:28):
Yeah. So you're talking more about indigenous mind,
which is relational. It's likein relationship with everything.
Alanna (50:36):
Absolutely. And yes, it is indigenous mind, but it's
also simply how our brain works.Like this is inbuilt. What we're
experiencing with thisindividualism and this
colonialism is unnatural for ourbiology, our psyche, our general
makeup as human beings. It isnot how we've evolved to where
(50:58):
we are now.
We didn't get this far withthese big brains in our heads by
ourselves. We did it throughrelationality. We did it through
partnership with others. Sowe're built that way. To try and
deny that is it's actuallydetrimental for everybody and
causes suffering everywhere.
Wendy (51:15):
Well, yeah. And if you think about it, that's the only
way evolution can happenpersonally or collectively is
when we bump up against eachother. Like if you're sitting in
a mountain cave somewheremeditating, you're never gonna
Yeah. Yeah. You know what
Alanna (51:31):
I mean? You cannot achieve the personal growth you
seek by yourself. Right. Youjust can't. I mean, luck trying.
You can do some, you candefinitely do some, but you're
not gonna get to the top of themountain on your own.
Wendy (51:46):
Excellent point. Okay, so Permission to Disrupt.
Alanna (51:52):
Yeah.
Wendy (51:53):
Yeah, I love that title of one of your chapters.
Alanna (51:57):
It's my favorite chapter. I'm not
Wendy (51:58):
gonna All right, so talk a little bit about that as we're
winding down the conversation.
Alanna (52:02):
Right. So I guess this kind of goes back to the women
apologizing for themselves.We've been taught to stay small,
stay meek, don't questionauthority, don't question your
reality, just accept, move on.And by the way, exhaust yourself
serving that reality that wasn'tmeant for you. Women are
questioners.
I also try to take back the terminquisition in the book because
(52:26):
an inquisition is an inquiry andit's a term that's been used
against us in history for womenwho had ideas and questioned
their reality, they werequestioned back and tortured and
worse. But the Inquisition of aWoman is part of how we make,
how we as the feminine help tomake the world better. We're
(52:48):
like the canary in the coal mineif you know that story. Coal
miners used to have a littlecanary in a little cage down in
the coal mine because its lungsare so delicate and soft and
smaller. And if the air was tootoxic before it hurt them, it
killed the canary first.
Wendy (53:04):
Right.
Alanna (53:05):
So, they looked to the canary to see if the environment
was safe and good. All women arelike that. We are going to be
the first to feel when somethingneeds change. And the thing that
I know and that you know andthat all women listening know is
when you feel that sense ofdiscomfort, it doesn't rest.
Wendy (53:27):
So true.
Alanna (53:28):
It will not go away. It will fester inside of you until
you speak up and do somethingabout it. And historically, and
even now, it has been dangerousfor women to speak up. But
that's part of how we've gottenhere. We just keep letting
things be the same.
So we have to disrupt. We needto speak up. Because it is women
(53:52):
who are at the forefront ofanything changing. The masculine
will not do it on its own. Thefeminine will do it.
The feminine will say, This iswhere the course needs to shift.
This is how things need to bedifferent. This is where I'm
uncomfortable. This is where Ineed a greater sense of comfort.
And it will be to your detrimentif you don't speak up.
It will be to your detriment ifyou don't disrupt. It will be to
(54:14):
your detriment if you continueto live with that sense of
discomfort. It can actuallycause you harm physically. It
can create illness inside ofyou. It increases stress which
of course is detrimental.
So I absolutely give womenpermission to disrupt their
environment, their familystructures, their career, their
(54:37):
friendships, anything where theyfeel a sense of discomfort or
diminishment, it's time toquestion.
Wendy (54:46):
Beautiful. All right. So Alana, the ways in which you
work with people, you referenceda course?
Alanna (54:56):
Yes. I have several online courses. You can find
them all at my website,thesatisfiedwoman.com. So I've
got a few different courses. Oneis Stop Calling Us Crazy, which
is a guide to surviving everyday in the patriarchy, because
we have to.
Another course actually bringsmy book, The Satisfied Woman, to
life and gives you practicalguidance and exercises to get
(55:18):
the four keys established, tounderstand what healthy
partnership looks like, toreally go through life as a
satisfied woman. And I also havea course called From Self to
Attracting the Relationship YouDeserve, because that's a huge
consideration for femininewomen. We need the support of a
masculine partner at some pointin our lives to really flourish
(55:42):
and I want them to find it. Sothose are the three courses I
have so far. I also have an appwith a built in community for
women to connect and talk toeach other and discuss how to
become more satisfied in thislife.
I've got a blog and I have myown podcast too, and it's all
found at thesatisfiedwoman.com.
Wendy (55:57):
All right. So just a quick little side note, what
about same sex relationships?
Alanna (56:03):
Yeah, absolutely. Do it. Do it any way that you want to.
There's no boundaries on this.Remember, every human has both
feminine and masculine And whatwe want is simply an
oppositional polarity within anintimate partnership.
It doesn't matter the gender,the sex, the orientation, how
long you're in that partnership,what that looks like for you,
(56:25):
all things are awesomely okay.And the opposing polarity
between two individuals iswhat's going to give a
relationship that fire, thatspecial sauce, the ability to
evolve and grow. That's withintimate partnership. Obviously,
can have friendships andeverything else with any
polarity, but intimatepartnership, you're going to do
(56:46):
well to find someone on anopposing polarity than you
whatever body they inhabit. Ilove it.
Wendy (56:53):
And I have to say very inspiring. I really appreciate
you coming on and chatting withme and sharing your message loud
and clear.
Alanna (57:02):
Absolutely. It's it's been my pleasure. Thank you so
much for having me.
Wendy (57:07):
You all fired up now? Ready to listen to those innate
intuitions and let your emotionstell their stories? Are you
ready to feel satisfied? To takeone of Alana's online courses,
buy her book, or listen to theSatisfied Woman podcast, please
visit thesatisfiedwoman.com.Alrighty.
(57:29):
We're more than halfway throughseason seven. How did that
happen? Thanks for listening tothis man bashing episode. I hope
the rest of your day is abeautiful one. Claire and I will
be back in a few weeks with theRaven's Daughter episode.
Until next time.
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