What happens when a "perfect" relationship hits its first major conflict? In this powerful examination of Song of Solomon chapter 5, we explore the moment when everything goes wrong between two people who deeply love each other.
The passage takes us right to the heart of relationship breakdown – he arrives home late, she's prepared for an intimate evening but chooses resentment over reconciliation, and what could have been resolved with a few steps to the door becomes a painful journey through the city streets seeking restoration. It's a story that feels uncomfortably familiar to anyone who has ever chosen pride over forgiveness.
Through this ancient text, we uncover six relationship problems that still plague us today: prioritizing work over presence, questioning if someone deserves our kindness, the painful irony of longing for space until we get it, pursuing reconnection when someone is unavailable, experiencing unexpected trauma, and watching private struggles become public pain. But more importantly, we discover God's four-step blueprint for healing broken relationships: Repent, Reconcile, Reconnect, and Renew.
What makes this message so powerful isn't just its practical wisdom for marriage and friendships, but how it reveals God's heart for reconciliation. When we understand that our own relationship with God follows this same pattern – where He pursues us despite our closed doors and cold hearts – we gain a new perspective on forgiveness. We're reminded that Christ didn't just tell us to fix our relationships; He showed us how by becoming "a friend of sinners" who reconciles us to Himself.
Whether you're navigating marriage difficulties, friendship tensions, or family conflicts, this message offers both practical tools for fighting fair and the spiritual foundation for lasting reconciliation. Because ultimately, the goal isn't winning arguments but experiencing the righteousness of God in our relationships.
If you want to learn more about the MidTree story or connect with us, go to our website HERE or text us at 812-MID-TREE.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, guys, if you want to go ahead and grab
your Bibles, please do so.
If you don't have a Bible, takeone of the ones in the pew.
That's our gift to you.
You can keep it.
My wife, Karen Anna, is goingto read today what page are they
going to be on in the pew Bible?
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Oh, okay, 562.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
You want to get on the worship thing?
No, okay, as you guys flipthere, let me give you a quick
heads up.
When we read this if you'vebeen with us over the past few
weeks as we've been workingthrough the book Song of Solomon
, just know I referenced thispassage.
So if you're like, wait aminute, this sounds a little bit
familiar.
We pointed to it a couple ofweeks ago, but we're going to
dig into what I think is one ofthe most fascinating texts in
(00:39):
the entire book of Song ofSolomon, karen All right.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
It's chapter five, verse two, on the Pew Bibles.
It's page 562.
I slept but my heart was awake.
A sound my beloved is knockingopen to me.
My sister, my love, my dove, myperfect one, for my head is wet
with dew, my locks with dropsof the night.
(01:04):
I had put off my garment howcould I put it on?
I had bathed my feet.
How could I soil them?
My beloved put his hand to thelatch and my heart was thrilled
within me.
I arose to open to my belovedand my hands dripped, with my
fingers with liquid myrrh and onthe handles of the bowl.
(01:24):
I opened to my beloved but mybeloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him but found him not.
I called him but he gave noanswer.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Amen, thank you, I appreciate it.
I love you.
You sticking around or whereare you going?
Going home to clean for roots?
Okay, good stuff, all right.
So if you have not been with us,what you just read was the
first time things go south inthis cute, high chemistry, high
compatibility, high characterrelationship.
(02:00):
And let me just tell yousomething I did not prepare
myself for.
This is my bad, and I realizedthat.
Tell you something I did notprepare myself for this is my
bad, and I realized that halfwaythrough the first service.
I think this is funny.
I think watching a couple getin a little tift in the middle
of the night is funny.
What I didn't think about issome of you may be walking in
(02:23):
today where it is not so funnyto think about a relationship
going sideways.
But let me give you sort of themap of what we're going to look
at.
We are going to look at arelationship at its absolute
pinnacle.
We're going to watch it fallinto disrepair and then we are
going to watch God restorebroken relationships.
(02:44):
And from this we're going tosay God, restore broken
relationships.
And from this we're going tosay well, god, can you restore
my broken relationship with youBecause I keep messing it up.
Or if you're not a believer inthe room and you're checking out
the Bible and the claims ofChrist, asking yourself for the
first time hey, do I want to berestored and reconciled with God
, do I want to have a goodrelationship with the God who
created me?
And so then we will end ourservice in communion, which is
(03:08):
the way that God's people, forthousands of years, have drawn
near to God and been reminded ofthe lengths that God went to to
fix the brokenness of therelationship that we have
created.
So that's sort of going to bethe path.
Here's where I want us to start.
I want us to start.
Oh, y'all have me in the backthere.
(03:30):
Is it on me or is it on you?
There, it is Okay.
I want us to remember where weleft out, left off.
I've tried to give you guys alittle bit of a cringe warning
each time we've met.
Last week, I gave y'all a fourand a half out of five, and I
(03:50):
have people come up to me andsay, well, like it could have
been like way more awkward.
Okay, fair enough.
I would still say today's isabout a four, but it's going to
start on the higher end.
And it might be that I forgotto read this verse to you last
week, which I think ramps up alittle bit of awkwardness at
church.
So here is where we left thecouple.
(04:12):
He looks at this woman whom heloves and he tells her one of
the things he loves most abouther A garden locked is my sister
, my bride of spring locked.
A fountain sealed All of thesethings that he has been praising
her for.
They culminate in and you savedthem just for me.
If you've had a broken sexualpast, just know we also covered.
(04:32):
How is it that we can berestored if we haven't had the
ideal situation?
But then I want you to noticewhat she says to this guy who
loves her.
She says awake, oh north wind,and come, oh south wind.
Blow upon my garden, let itsspices flow, let my beloved come
to his garden and eat itschoicest fruits.
In other words, you have heldyourself for me, I have held
(04:56):
myself for you.
We're pursuing the Lord.
We recognize that romantic,passionate love is something
created by God.
So here's what she's sayingRomantic, passionate love is
something created by God.
So here's what she's sayingEnjoy, enjoy.
Enjoy my mind, my heart, mysoul, my friendship, my body, my
everything is yours to beenjoyed.
And the guy says sounds like aplan, let's do that.
(05:17):
And that's where we findourselves in chapter 5, verse 1.
I came to my garden, my sister,my bride, I gathered, I ate, I
drank, I enjoyed all thatromantic love had to offer.
And then it does get a littlebizarre.
Why is it after?
And look, this would be theclimax and I use that word
(05:37):
intentionally of Song of Solomon, all right, why is it all of a
sudden other people are there.
Can we all say that's a littlebit weird, like, should people
really be weighing in on this?
This is fascinating.
In the Old Testament, the way awedding worked is so different
than ours.
I will meet with, I was goingto say, brides and grooms, but
(05:59):
the grooms don't really care,like they don't care if the
service is 30 minutes, theydon't care if it's three minutes
, they're just like I'm tryingnot to pass out, I'm trying to
make it to the reception andreally I'm just trying to make
it beyond that, and so that'stypically where the groom is,
but the bride has expectations.
The bride is like I would likefor it to look like this the
flowers are going to and my veilwith all of these little things
, and then they will say this isthe stuff we'd like in the
(06:22):
service.
And I always ask how long doyou think this is going to be?
And it is like, as time hasgone by, weddings are getting
shorter and shorter and shorter.
I don't know if y'all arepicking up on this, if you've
gone to weddings, but it getsshorter and shorter and shorter.
And here are all of theseexpectations.
Back then, weddings were longerand longer and longer and longer
(06:42):
.
It was.
You remember Jesus's firstmiracle.
It's a wedding and what'shappened?
They've ran out of wine, whichmeans the party was going quite
a while, especially if you'regonna store your wine in a stone
cask.
I mean, we're not talking aboutlittle bottles here, we're
talking about this party's beengoing for a minute.
What's happening here is justprepare yourself for this.
(07:07):
She walks down the aisle.
I do, I do Kiss.
Walk down the aisle.
Insert what started happeningfive years ago A dip and a kiss
that the photographer's readyfor.
I don't know if y'all know this.
It's like the thing thathappens now, all the time in
weddings that happens, and thenthey go.
They have a party and then theygo to the honeymoon and nobody
hears from them because they'vegone to Jamaica or they've gone
(07:28):
to the mountains, or they wentto the beach and that's it, and
it's not the way it works in theOld Testament.
Their honeymoon was at thehouse that he prepared for her,
which is where the wedding justhappened, which means they have
the marriage, they go onhoneymoon, they wake up the next
morning and the party continues, which means after the
honeymoon and after thehoneymoon night.
Other people are like this isgreat, we're so happy that you
(07:51):
guys had an awesome nighttogether, let's have another
party and we're gonna do itagain.
And then we're gonna do itagain.
A little bit more awkward thanour sensibilities, but they had
a better theology of celebrationand I think we ought to as well
.
What I want you to definitelynotice is the climax of this
Song of Songs, 5-1.
If you are a nerd in the room,this is your moment.
(08:14):
You want to see somethingreally fascinating.
If you count up all of thewords of Song of Solomon, or if
you count up all of the versesof Song of Solomon, do you want
to guess where chapter 5-1 sits?
Anybody want to guess?
Yeah right, smack dab in themiddle.
All right, right, smack dab inthe middle, which means and, by
(08:35):
the way, if you really want toimpress people, this is called a
chiasm, or this is chiastic,and what that means is it lives
in the middle of the book, asthe pinnacle of the book.
This is what the whole thing ispointing to this moment.
But what is really really coolis actually what happens next.
(08:58):
If you follow the story, we comeup in the motion like this, and
the first third it's all aboutlike longing and longing being
fulfilled.
Then we move from longing intolike wedding world, then climax.
Do you want to guess whathappens right after that?
(09:19):
Anybody want to guess whathappens after that?
This happens after it.
You want to know why?
Because you're all sinners.
That's why, because you're allsinners.
That's why?
Because we're all sinners?
Because as soon as we getsomething great, we forget
ourselves, we lose ourselves.
We all of a sudden forget thegood God who gave us the good
thing, or we make the good thingabout us and we lose the whole
point.
And what you are about to watchis when love goes wrong, and
(09:43):
guess what it always does.
One about to watch is when lovegoes wrong and guess what it
always does.
One little note I've triedreally hard to sort of have a
50-50 married to singleperspective as we've worked
through the book.
It hasn't been hard to dobecause I think the Bible
presents this book for bothmarried and singles.
Singles I'm just giving you aheads up.
You're gonna have to lean in alittle harder for the first half
(10:05):
.
You're not gonna have to leanin a little harder for the first
half.
You're not going to have anytrouble in the second half.
Okay, because eventually thistalks about all of our
relationships, married people.
This is me loving you.
Do not nudge your spouse.
I'm going to tell you why rightnow.
It's not because you're wrong,okay.
It's not because it's weird, orit's because the chick in the
(10:28):
story nudges her husband and itblows up in her face.
I'm trying to protect you, okay.
The one who nudges early feelslike a fool by the end.
I'm just loving you and tellingyou elbows in this is what I
tell my girls.
Every soccer game elbows in.
You can lean as much as youwant.
Elbows in this is what I tellmy girls.
Every soccer game Elbows in.
You can lean as much as youwant Elbows in.
So here we go.
All of a sudden it comes downand, by God's grace, what you
(10:51):
will see is it comes back up.
And if you look at this blueline and all you do is look at
the blue line this is thedefinition of sanctification.
We draw near to the Lord, wedraw nearer to the Lord, things
are great and we sin and, byGod's grace, he restores us.
(11:12):
And we draw near again andagain and again.
So welcome to a story aboutsanctification.
And here is what you're goingto find, elbazin.
Here are six problems that aregoing to arise in this
relationship.
Really quick, when we choose towork late husbands I'm pointing
at you on this, but it isn'tgender specific when we choose
to work late, to be out or to bedistracted rather than being
(11:35):
present.
Problem number two wheninvasive inner thoughts whisper
do they even deserve my kindness?
And sometimes we let thosethoughts slip out.
Problem three when you long forspace until you get it and it
hurts more than you expected itto.
Problem four when you pursueintimacy and they don't respond
(11:55):
or simply aren't available.
When unusual pain, trauma andresentment show up in your
relationship.
When unusual pain, trauma andresentment show up in your
relationship.
And finally, when your privatestruggles become public pain,
broadcast for others to see.
If you don't get anything out ofthis text, it's not on me when
people say, man, I just wish theBible would talk about real
(12:17):
life stuff.
I just wish it would lean in.
Guys like I could screw this up.
God's word and God's spirit.
This is for all of us today andTuesday and Thursday.
So cowboy up as we starttalking about.
What about when relationships gowrong?
Keep in mind, for all of thesewith maybe the exception of
number four it does not requirea spouse.
(12:41):
This could be a relationshipwith your mom.
It could be a relationship withyour dad, your neighbor who
always leaves their garbage cansout, or whatever else it is.
This is just doing somebodythat you served with and kids
once, and it didn't go well.
This relates to all of us andhere is what we find.
Song of Solomon 5.
I slept, but my heart was awake.
(13:01):
A sound my beloved is knockingOpen to me.
My sister, my love, my dove, myperfect one, for my head is wet
with dew, my locks with thedrops of night.
We don't know it up to thispoint in the text, but this
woman was ready for her man tobe home.
And when I say ready for herman to be home, it was not to
(13:22):
discipline the kids, it was notbecause dinner was ready.
It's because she was ready forher man to be home.
And we know this because ofwhat happens next in verse three
.
Here is what has been going onin her mind and in her night
that her husband has missed outon.
I have put off my garment.
How could I put it on?
So she's in bed either in anightie or less.
(13:44):
I have bathed my feet.
How could I soil them?
She has gotten clean.
She has gotten prepared.
She has expectations over thenight.
But those expectations areabout to be unmet because old
boy shows up late.
How late does the old boy showup?
(14:05):
He shows up pretty late If yourhair is wet, because the dew
has already wet the grass.
You did not just play an extragame of Call of Duty at your
buddy's house.
All right If you are walking inwith the smell of the night on
you.
You didn't just go and watchthe game.
It cascaded into something else.
(14:27):
This guy has shown up late andhe knows it.
We know he knows it becausehe's knocking on a door, which
brings a question to mind whydoes he not have a key to his
own house?
Is this where the argumentbegan in the first place?
You always lose your keys andwe are late to church because
you can never keep up.
I can relate to this.
(14:47):
Somehow he shows up at home, heshows up at home and it's
really late.
She had expectations.
Big question mark.
Did she share thoseexpectations?
Did she not communicate them?
We don't know.
All we know is he shows up verylate or is very distracted
rather than being present.
(15:08):
Now he's going to try to fixthis situation.
He's going to lean in and he'sgoing to try to make it better,
but it's going to be hard to do.
All right, ladies, in just amoment, if you're, you know
whether you're married or notyou can play along.
Married women, I want you toplay along.
Okay, I'm going to ask you toput your hands up.
I'm doing a lot of work up here.
(15:29):
This can't be the hardest thingin the world, all right.
So I want you to lean in.
I'm giving you a heads up.
Here is his attempt to fix thenight that is in the process of
going wrong.
Open to me my sister, my closestfriend, the one whom I love, my
love, my darling, the placewhere my affection and all of my
(15:52):
anticipation goes.
You are the one that I cling tomy dove with your dovey little
eyes, which is a compliment thathe gives her all the time.
This is probably a pet name.
This is him saying ohschmookums.
Oh, sweetheart, babe, can youopen the door?
This is probably what'shappening here.
I don't know if you have asweet little pet name for your
(16:15):
love, I have one for my wife andI will tell it to you.
And none of you are allowed touse it, because that's my point
in this passage.
This is probably him connecting.
My wife's name is Karen Ann.
It's a double name becauseshe's from the South.
She got the name Karen longbefore it became socially a meme
to be called a Karen.
She didn't like being calledKaren before that happened, but
(16:35):
now she really doesn't likebeing called by her first name.
So if people struggle becauseit's complicated to remember two
names, half of us can'tremember one name when we walk
into church.
She's made it easier and shesaid just call me K-A.
Well, I started calling her K-A.
When we started dating I alsocalled her baby.
Those were my two names for her, so I call her K-B and I've
called her K-B since we werelike 17 years old.
(16:58):
If I had showed up and thebedroom door was locked, I'd be
like KB, come on, open the door.
You know I can get through thisthing anyway.
I mean, what is this Like?
This is probably what'shappening.
But then he says this thisone's my favorite, my perfect
one.
I may be leaning in a littlefar here, but how often, when
(17:21):
you are sideways with somebody,do you call them perfect?
You probably don't, unlessyou're willing to own the
garbage yourself.
I think these three little wordsare him repenting.
I think this is him saying mybad, I stayed out too late and I
didn't let you know.
Now, what's fascinating is westill don't even know what he
(17:43):
was doing.
For all we know, he was outplaying video games or hanging
out with the boys, drinking,throwing cornhole, doing
whatever it was.
It could be that he stayed latebecause he was trying to make
money for a trip that they werewanting to go on, or maybe he
stayed out trying to preparesomething in their new home that
she would like.
The point is we do not know.
(18:03):
All we know is it has gone verysouth and he looks at her and
he says, oh, my perfect one,it's on me All right now.
Ladies, here's where I need yourhelp.
You don't have to do thisbecause I know we're in the
south and everybody wants to becautious.
Ladies that just need to putyour hand, like right up here by
your chin, come on, hands up.
Hands up, I know if you're alady, I'm looking at you.
(18:24):
Hands up for just a minute andhold them there.
Just hands up for a minute andhold them there.
I will make this as awkward asyou choose to, all right, here's
my question.
If you were married, or if yourhusband came to you when things
went South and he said my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect
one, would that fix the problem?
If it would fix it, just putyour hand down.
(18:45):
Okay, all hands down, yup, yup.
Those hands stayed pretty stiff.
Now some of you may have beenlike you know what?
If he told me I had doveylittle eyes, he'd be mine.
Most of us look at that and it'slike no, I don't know what all
you thought you were going topull off with your four little,
(19:05):
sweet little sayings.
But this door isn't opening.
That's how most of us wouldrespond to this.
That's how most of us wouldlook.
But here's my question Shouldthese words end the fight?
No, says 90% of the women inthe room.
But should it?
Says 90% of the women in theroom.
But should it?
Should it?
This hubby is working hard toredeem the evening.
(19:27):
Unfortunately, they're headedfor a bad night and a
disappointing night in theirbedroom.
Should it have ended Now?
Remember she asked him for helpwith this.
This is from a few weeks ago.
She looks at their tenderlittle love.
This is before they're married.
If you remember, she had to tendher relationship and her work,
her home and her job.
(19:48):
She was in an unusualCinderella type situation and
when this guy comes into herlife, she looks at him and she
says will you protect this thing?
Will you catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil
the vineyard, for our vineyardis in blossom.
Will you chase away the thingsthat would ruin this great love
that God has given us?
I'm not able to do it.
(20:08):
This is too big of a job.
Man, will you do against theselittle foxes what you didn't do
with the snake, and keep in mindthey're small.
It just comes in for a minute.
It doesn't have to be somethingbig, it could just be showing
home late from work.
Are you going to protect this?
Are you going to fix this?
(20:28):
Because these little foxes,these garden wreckers of love,
they are not obvious, but theycan't always be ignored.
And I want to give this to youagain it's been a month since I
gave this to you.
If you want to pull your phonesout, feel it's been a month
since I gave this to you.
If you want to pull your phonesout, feel free.
I've got another QR code thatI'm going to give you in a
minute.
What are 25 ways that you canchase off the things that will
(20:49):
come into your relationship andruin it?
This is a little list out of agospel-centered commentary on
the Song of Songs.
If you hadn't had time to getit, I'll put it up in just a
(21:09):
minute.
But now we move to our secondproblem.
What happens when those innerthoughts whisper?
Does this person deserve mykindness?
And maybe they slip out?
He shows up late, all of thisgoes down and these are the
thoughts that she begins to have.
I've already cleaned myself up,I've already gotten myself
prepared for the night, but I amnot getting up to let you in
this house.
I'm clean and I'm cuddly andI'm warm.
(21:30):
She may have said out loud totwist the knife, but you're not
getting into this warm house,you're not getting into this
warm bed and you're not gettinganywhere near this warm body.
That is what she portrays.
Now we don't know if she saysthis out loud or if she just
thinks it, but we know she atleast thinks it because of
something that comes in theverses ahead.
So what we do know is thedemeanor of her heart.
(21:52):
In whatever way he sinnedagainst her, it was too big of a
deal for them to reconcile.
I'm not leaning into this.
I'm not gonna walk the 10 stepsfrom my bed to that door to
make this right, because, bubba,you have jacked up one too many
times.
You were out one hour too long.
I had plans for us and you havehurt me and my feelings, and
(22:15):
she thinks she has him where shewants him.
You know what?
I'm gonna teach him a lesson.
This time I might even let himknow.
How could I walk across thisdirty floor with my clean little
feet and this nightie that I'mwearing?
How could I possibly do that?
That could very well be what'sin the text.
But as she begins thinking thisor saying this, her revenge is a
(22:38):
little too clever and it'sgonna misfire.
And this is why I told youelbows in, because we find
ourselves in the third situation, when you long for space until
you get it and it hurts morethan you expected.
My beloved put his hand to thelatch and my heart was thrilled
within me.
Some people think this is adouble entend.
(22:58):
Latch and my heart was thrilledwithin me.
Some people think this is adouble entendre and it's
pointing towards somethingphysical.
I think the metaphor falls apartvery quickly.
I think the guy's literally atthe door saying baby, are you
going to open the door or not?
I've given you all thecompliments I can come up with
in the 30 seconds that I've beenstanding at the door.
Are they not enough for you toopen?
Can't we fix this thing?
Neither of us like having arelationship that's sideways.
(23:20):
Can't we lean in and fix this?
And the guy finally, is likeI'm going to pick this darn lot,
I'm going to get in.
My beloved put his hand to thelatch and notice she doesn't say
it out loud, but her heart isthrilled within her.
She isn't going to walk acrossthe door, but maybe he'll be
able to get it open, maybe hewill come in.
She is telling him through heractions or her words stay away
(23:42):
from me, while on the inside ofher heart she is longing for
their relationship to berestored.
That's real stuff, people.
That is relationship 101 typestuff.
And then verse 5.
Finally she gets up.
She's proven the point, he'sgot it, he's learned his lesson.
I arose to open to my beloved.
My hands drift with my fingers.
(24:04):
She probably puts on theperfume that was sitting next to
her bed so that she can openthe door and present herself to
her husband and say let's fixthis.
It's not fun when we'resideways.
I opened to my beloved but mybeloved had turned and gone.
She overplayed her hand, shewaited just one second too long
(24:25):
and old boy said I am tired, itis late, I'll go sleep on Kyle's
couch down the street.
And he's gone.
And notice what happens all of asudden.
And notice what happens all ofa sudden.
She opens it, tells us shesought him, she calls out to him
.
But what I really want you tonotice is this when he said my
(24:48):
dove, my love, my sister, myperfect one, the Bible wants you
and I to know.
It did affect her heart.
She didn't say anything aboutit, she didn't let him know, but
her heart had been moved.
She realizes in that momentthat she doesn't really want to
(25:08):
be apart from him.
He had pursued her and sheknows she doesn't even have the
whole story.
She chose to let separationgrow when she could have taken
10 steps to the door.
And here's the thing and I'msorry if this feels gender
specific I think men and womenboth do this but she never
communicated what she wasthinking or doing.
(25:31):
Uncommunicated expectations areone of the quickest ways to end
up sideways in ourrelationships, because she
assumes he knows what I'mthinking, he knows what I mean,
he knows I'm just playing alonguntil she opens the door and
homeboy had no clue.
She was coming anytime soon andnow he's gone and she feels the
(25:54):
remorse of not showing grace.
She feels the remorse of notcommunicating.
Her soul failed inside of herwhen she heard his voice and she
may not have let him know thatshe had forgiven him or longed
to forgive him, but she doesmiss him, she does want to be
there.
And I would just press pauseand I would say if you feel like
the Bible doesn't speak intothe reality of relationships.
(26:15):
You're missing it.
The Bible knows when we pursueintimacy.
You feel like the Bible doesn'tspeak into the reality of
relationships.
You're missing it.
The Bible knows when we pursueintimacy and they don't respond
or they simply are not available.
Now, all of a sudden, the oneproblem has multiplied.
Now she is going to have tojoin him in forgiving and being
(26:37):
forgiven.
She is going to have to repent.
How much easier would it havebeen to just let every person be
quick to hear and slow to speak.
Slow to anger, why?
Because the anger of man doesnot produce what we hope it will
.
When we get angry, when we doone of whatever things, when you
(27:00):
fight or you flight or whateverit is, when you shut down, when
you wall up or when you lean inand you say harsh things, it
never produces what you want.
Do you know what you want inyour relationship?
You want the righteousness ofGod to explode in it.
You want to swim in thegoodness of God in these
relationships.
I'll tell you where it comesfrom being quick to hear, using
(27:22):
these twice as much as we usethis, being slow to speak,
seeing our anger coming andsaying hang on, sweetie, I need
to take a step back.
I'm getting hot, I'm movingquick, my pace is picking up in
my words, which means I'm justtrying to win an argument here,
and I know that the anger of manis not going to produce what I
want.
And now, all of a sudden, theseconsequences multiply.
(27:43):
Foxes are running through thegarden of their relationship and
things are a wreck.
Just live in that for a minute.
But do you know what's so coolabout that?
Do you realize?
In God's word, he could havejust written a little verse in
Proverbs.
All he had to do to teach usthis was Proverbs 13, 11.
(28:08):
This isn't real, by the way.
I'm giving what could be aproverb.
Only a fool allows brokennessto remain for the night, but the
wise and the righteous pursuereconciliation immediately.
Proverbs doesn't exist, but youcould get the point from this.
Why?
Because God doesn't just wantto give you here's what's true,
(28:28):
here's what's wise.
Put it in place, put thisalgorithm in your soul and kind
of live the whole thing out.
God's saying hey, you want acautionary tale?
You want to know that I knowthat relationships are a mess.
You want to know that I knowhow to fix them Both my
relationship with you, yourrelationship with your spouse,
your relationship with your kids, with your in-laws, with your
neighbor, with that, whateverperson that is difficult in your
(28:50):
life.
This is the Bible saying I getit, I lean into it.
I'm not just going to say dothis, don't do that.
I'm going to provide you thiscautionary tale so that you know
that I know what I am talkingabout, because the issue is not
are we going to fight?
The issue is how are we goingto fight?
Now, I realize you guys can'tread this and it's too small.
(29:13):
I'll give you the QR code injust a moment as we walk through
it.
But here are 10 tips onfighting fair.
And now singles lean in evenmore, because you don't have to
be married to put these thingsin place.
And, by the way, if they haddone one or two of these things,
the whole night would have gonedifferently.
What is it that God calls us todo?
(29:34):
Well, the first thing is toconfront a problem as soon as
possible.
Don't wait.
When you see the problem walktoward the mess.
Secondly, master the art oflistening.
I've already hit that one.
Third, limit the discussion Ifwe're arguing over the calendar
right now and when we plan tovacation.
(29:55):
Why, all of a sudden, are wetalking about the way your
mother-in-law makes coleslaw?
Where did that come from?
And if you think I'm crazy,join me Monday through Thursday
in my office, but trust me, whenI sit down with couples, we
will be talking about this thingfor about 18 seconds and then
next thing you know it's it'sjust grabbing all of the garbage
(30:19):
and all of the mess.
If you want to fight in a waythat is fair and get something,
limit the discussion.
Hey, we can talk about thatanytime you want.
Maybe I do lose my keys all thetime.
We can talk about it.
But do we really want to stackthese issues?
Why don't we talk about melosing my keys?
Well, like things are goingwell and the kid's doing a
cannonball into the pool and youlean over and you say, hey, it
drives me crazy, you lose yourkeys.
(30:40):
Can we put an Apple tag on thatthing?
Yeah, sure, baby, whatever thatsounds good Like, that's when
we go after it, when things aregood, not stacking on top.
Use, I feel, statements.
Guys, if you are 40 or older,just join me in this moment.
We were told that guys who feelare not manly losers.
(31:04):
Having an emotional IQ meansthat you just hand it in your
man card.
Okay, I get it.
If you're young in this roomand you're like that is a
horrible thing, just know that'sall we were told.
Playing Little League All right, you strike out, don't you cry,
man.
You just walk back to thedugout and we're going to go
practice at home.
That's how a lot of us grew up,and so when I say use, I feel
(31:26):
statements.
It's one of the most comicalthings in relationships.
How are you feeling?
And the guy's like I don't know, I don't want to be here.
Well, that's not a feeling.
Believe it or not, that's areality, but it's not a feeling.
So I went and I got this littlepillow and it has all of the
little feelings in a littlewheel and it is the most used
pillow in my entire office,right, whether it's for naps or
(31:49):
not, me naps or otherwise.
And look, your wife already has20 pillows on the bed anyway.
Like, I think you can pull offone, right, like you can have.
I'm watching women who are likeit's not happening, it's not
Use statements about how youfeel.
I'll tell you why.
They can't argue with it If yousay I did say this, they can
argue with that.
But if you say I'm sad, guesswhat?
(32:11):
They can't argue it.
No, you're not.
Actually I am sad.
No, it's true, I got that oneright.
I am angry, right?
I can help you with that.
Avoid exaggerations.
Things are rarely alwaysanything or never anything.
Don't assassinate theircharacter, name calling and
telling somebody that they are,are, are this, that or the other
(32:33):
?
Use appropriate words andactions.
Not every argument is a 10.
Not every disagreement shouldblow the top of the thermometer
and don't be concerned aboutwinning or losing.
If you are, you've already lost.
The two have become one flesh.
The goal is not for you to winthe fight.
The goal is for you to navigatethe fight in a way that
glorifies God.
Pick limits, sweetie.
(32:53):
I can do this for about 15minutes before I completely lose
it.
That's my limit 10-4, at theend of 15 minutes.
If we're not in a good place,go for a walk and we'll come
back, and we'll get right backto it.
If we need to Choose to forgiveand that's the last one, because
I think it is also the biggestone, by the way if you want this
, I'll just throw that up there,and if you don't have time to
(33:14):
grab it, I'll give it to you atthe end.
Do you realize?
If they had done one, two or afew of these things, their whole
night is different.
But because both of them chosenot to, seemingly or at least
they didn't choose to at thesame time things have fallen
apart.
So is there any hope?
Is there anything that we cando?
(33:35):
You bet there is Ephesians 4.
This is the expectation ofChristians.
And if you're not a believer,if you're just checking out the
claims of Christ, this is whatthe Spirit of God wants to
produce in you.
And if it feels foreign, praiseGod.
Come and find new life inChrist.
We had somebody last service asa result of brokenness in
relationship.
Come and receive Christ for thefirst time and become a
(33:56):
believer.
Why?
Because what this realsituation put on display was
that their real situation neededa big-sized Savior, not just a
couple of little tweaks.
We need to let all bitternessand wrath, all anger, all clamor
, all slander be put away fromyou, along with all malice.
Be kind to one another,tenderhearted, forgiving one
(34:19):
another, as God in Christforgave you.
I know that I've already givenyou two things to kind of jot
down.
If you're a note taker, I wouldwrite this verse down and I
will show you why.
If you have ever tried torepent and wondered if you did
it correctly, this verse willhelp you.
If somebody has ever asked youfor forgiveness and you haven't
been sure what to do to forgivethem, well, this verse will help
(34:40):
you, and I will show you what Imean by that.
The first thing is we mustrepent, and when this passage
says, put away from you this isthe concept of repentance.
It's not my bad, sorry, thatwas less than ideal.
It is me taking this word, thisaction, this thought, this
paradigm, and saying this thingthat I am, was or did.
(35:00):
I am putting it away from me,I'm turning my back on it.
As far as the East is from theWest, so far does God put our
sins away from us?
The cross is God saying I'mtaking all of your sin and all
of your brokenness, not holdingany of it back, and I am putting
it away from you so that when Isee you, I don't see your sin,
(35:21):
I don't see your brokenness.
I see the sacrifice of my son,who loved you enough to put it
away from you when you werenever able to put it down on
your own.
The first thing you must do isrepent.
What do I mean?
Ask for forgiveness, literally,use words and if you need to
have a different word than sorry, talk about it.
Don't just assume that sorrycovers it.
(35:41):
I try to literally use the wordrepent.
Baby, I am repenting to youright now.
I screwed up and I don't wantto do that anymore.
Say that anymore, live likethat anymore.
I don't want to do that anymore.
I'm repenting to you.
The second thing that we see isreconcile, actually forgive them
.
It means no longer hold itagainst them.
We see this when the versecalls us to forgive one another.
(36:05):
It means that thing you did I'mno longer holding you
accountable for, which is also areally good benefit in not
keeping stacking arguments fromthings in the past that you said
you forgave someone for.
Forgive people the way you wantto be forgiven.
You never want to screw up, askGod for forgiveness and then
wait two weeks for him to say,well, don't forget, you did that
(36:26):
.
No, he sees the work of Christ,not your brokenness.
Reconcile with them, actuallyforgive and then reconnect, live
like they are forgiven.
Forgive and then reconnect,live like they are forgiven, be
kind to them.
I'm giving you all R's, by theway, to try to make this as easy
as possible.
Reconnect with them and, whenthat is done, renew your
(36:48):
covenant.
Now, that can have terms ofintimacy, it can have terms of
tears.
It could be walking down theneighborhood holding hands, but
come up with a way to say I amrenewing this promise that we
have made.
I've seen couples renew theirvows on the end of a very
difficult season and right now,guys are walking out of the room
(37:08):
to go get communion ready.
Why?
Because God looks at us and hesays hey, you need to renew your
commitment with me regularly.
You need to be reminded of thiswork that I have done.
Why does this happen?
Why is this?
And, by the way, this is theregular rhythm of love between
(37:30):
any two believers, married ornot Repent, reconcile, reconnect
, renew, wash, rinse, repeat.
This is not just marriageadvice.
This is the regular rhythm ofbeing a Christian.
It's not easy days, it's notfun stuff.
It's knowing.
I live in a broken world, witha broken body and broken desires
(37:51):
, where I'm going to take twosteps toward you and then I'm
going to take one away, but byGod's grace, I'm going to take
two more toward you again beforeI take one away.
And why does this happen?
Because they are both selfish.
That's why it happens.
That's why this whole thing hasplayed out.
He stays out too late, works toolong, gets distracted too
(38:13):
easily.
Whatever it is, she's waitingfor him and he doesn't show up
and her feelings get hurt.
And when her feelings get hurt,she decides to turn the knife
rather than turning toward himand she finds more emptiness
than she ever wanted.
And now it takes twice theeffort to fix the thing.
And I'll prove it to youliterally, numerically.
She had put off her garment andshe had bathed her feet.
(38:35):
She did two things to try tomake the relationship good.
And when it went south, watchhow many things she has to do to
try to make it good again.
She has to get up, she has togo open the door, she has to
walk outside and she has tostart screaming Twice as much
effort as before.
Did you pick up on this Amoment ago?
She wouldn't walk across theroom.
(38:55):
And do you know what we'rereading here?
Homegirl's about to go for awalk down Broadway looking for
the guy.
Did he go to Kyle's house?
Did he go to Andrew's house.
Where did this guy go off to?
I got to find him.
I can't believe that I was socold-hearted when he was trying
to reconcile.
I don't even know why he showedup as late as he did.
Maybe he's got a good reasonand now it's going to take so
(39:17):
much more work.
It's not simple to fix anymoreand, sadly, it's not even
private in nature.
She walks into the city, timeout, pause.
This is where I wonder if thisis a dream or if this is
something that she'srecollecting, because what
happens next seems so bizarre.
She walks out into the city andhere's what happens to her she
(39:40):
gets beat, bruised and they ripoff her veil.
Okay, it sounds like anightmare to me, but regardless,
whatever is happening here, thepeople who are supposed to
protect her aren't.
Now, why would that happen?
It could be that she didn't puton appropriate clothing and
walked into the city and startedyelling Kyle, where are you,
where are you going?
(40:00):
Hey man, where are you?
And all of a sudden, she startsto look like a woman.
That Proverbs tells the wholesociety to look out for Somebody
who's dressed inappropriately,someone who's loud and wayward,
who doesn't stay at home, who'sin the street and in the market.
They may be looking at her andsaying this is a woman who's not
trying to fix a relationship,this is a woman who is looking
(40:21):
to ruin other people'srelationship and all of a sudden
, difficulty and trauma andbrokenness slide in.
But you will not see her blamehim at this point.
Her heart has turned.
She has seen that this issuewas on her too, and she may have
been slow to repent, but whenshe does, she does so
(40:44):
wholeheartedly.
And this brings us to the lastlittle bit, when your private
struggles become public pain,because all of a sudden she
looks at her friends and shesays will you help me find him?
Will you tell him that I'm sickwith love?
And they look at her and theysay what is your guy more than
everybody else, what is your guythat makes him so very special
(41:08):
and as horrible as it sounds,all of this pain and all of this
garbage being brought into thepublic?
They didn't have Instagram,they didn't have Facebook, they
didn't have anything like that,but somehow the thing that
happened at their front door isnow in the whole community and
everybody knows.
And she's not trying to protectherself.
(41:29):
She's ready now to own it.
He's not trying to protecthimself.
He is ready to own it becauseshe longs for him and she longs
for what they used to be and nowshe believes they can be that
way again.
You see, this isn't anexhaustive list.
This is just what we see happenacross about seven hours.
(41:51):
But while this isn't exhaustive, I think it is supposed to be
exhausting.
I think it's supposed to causeus to be like why are
relationships so hard?
If you love Jesus and I loveJesus, why is it so hard all of
the time?
And this brings us to thebiggest question Can this kind
of stuff be fixed?
(42:11):
And I said it on the onset andI will tell you now absolutely
it can.
Karen Ann and I, on Wednesdaynight, in case you don't know,
we've been doing this breakoutbecause we've been doing Song of
Solomon and on Wednesday nightswe did one last week and we'll
do two more Everybody's kind ofcoming together for a minute and
then married folks are stayingin the room and we're having
(42:33):
discussion and Q&A and y'all canask us anything that we want.
We talked about intimacy andyou guys did not hold back.
It was awesome.
I think some people may neverhave returned to the church
simply because they're like arethey really going to talk about
this?
We're like who else do you wantto talk about it?
I want to hear what God's Wordhas to say about anything that
you have in mind.
But when we look at this sort ofexhausting thing, here's what I
(42:56):
found out on Wednesday nightthat I never knew.
My wife is sitting next to meand we're talking about when
relationships go wrong.
It's a pretty vulnerableposition to be on in front of
peers, and here's what she said.
She said sometimes I don't wantanything to do with him.
I was surprised too, you know.
(43:18):
With him.
I was surprised too, you know.
But I have this note full ofreasons.
He's an honorable guy who Ican't stop loving.
I didn't know that I have yetto be able to find this mythical
note, although it has increasedmy cleaning of the bedroom and
the bathroom because I thinkit's got to be there.
If it's on her phone, I amhopeless.
(43:39):
Far too many notes to gothrough.
But this young lady was wiseenough to do the same.
She looks at this man and inthe verses ahead, when she
finally reconnects with him withunashamed, non-blushing reality
, she says I may have screwed itup and he may have screwed it
up, but do you want to know whyI love this guy?
(43:59):
I love him because his head isthe finest gold.
He has eyes like doves.
Their kids are going to havecrazy dovey eyes.
His cheeks are like a bed ofspices.
I love the dude's arm.
His body is polished.
Ivory Doesn't miss leg day iswhat I'm hearing in this passage
.
His legs are alabaster columns.
(44:20):
His appearance drives me crazy.
I love that.
But do you want to know thebest part?
She goes through this list ofwhat she loves about him, but
the best part is actually whatshe ends with with this is my
(44:43):
beloved, this is my friend.
And at the end of the day, Iwill tell you what she missed
most that night.
It wasn't her expectations orhis.
She longed for her best friendagain.
She longed for the one who kneweverything about her, and she
knew everything about All of thebrokenness bundled up.
She longed for her friend.
And when the Pharisees and thereligious people looked at Jesus
(45:05):
, do you know what they calledhim?
A friend of sinners.
My husband was a friend to mewhen I was a sinner.
My wife was a friend to me whenI was a sinner.
And do you know what they wereputting on display?
That Christ is a friend to allof us who sin.
He is a friend to those of uswho, when we look at that list
(45:25):
of six things.
We're like fail, fail, fail,fail, fail.
And he says I'm a friend topeople like this.
You don't need to be impressive, you don't need to clean
yourselves up.
What you need to know is I wantto draw near to you.
Will you draw near to me?
I broke my body.
We will look at it.
I shed my blood so that youcould come near.
And here is what Christ callsus to.
(45:47):
From now on, no more of thoserelationship gains.
We regard no one according tothe flesh, even though we used
to regard Christ that way.
I don't see my relationshipsthat way and I don't see Christ
in a worldly way.
He's done something new in myheart.
Therefore, if anyone is inChrist, he is a new creation,
and this is what's available toall of us today, no matter how
(46:10):
many jacked up stories you haveof broken relationship past.
Do you want to be made new?
Do you want the old to passaway?
Do you want the new to come?
Because all of this is from God, and here's our word.
He reconciled us to himself andthen he doesn't stop.
He says I've made you closewith me to give you a ministry
(46:32):
of reconciliation.
You have a new ministry, andit's not kids ministry and it's
not donuts, it's not being anelder, it's not serving in youth
ministry.
Do you know what your new jobis?
Christian Reconciling,reconciling yourself with people
.
You're sideways withReconciling people to God,
recognizing that he has openedthe door, that for our sake he
(46:58):
made Jesus to be sin, who knewno sin, so that in him we might
become the righteousness of God.
This is the good news of JesusChrist.
This is the gospel.
So, as the guys, if y'all wantto go ahead and get in place, if
you're not a believer, justknow you need to get this
reconciled first.
It might simply look like God.
I need to ask for theforgiveness of my sins.
I need to be made new.
(47:19):
I'm not good enough the way Iam.
If there is something wrongwith the relationship in the
room, please make that rightbefore you come here.
I know this is a sacred space,but it's not a stuffy one.
If you want to walk outside andpray, if you want to come down
front and talk, ask questions,we're open.
But if you need to tellsomebody hey, I need to forgive
you, I need to repent, we needto reconnect.
(47:42):
Don't just make it a Sunday.
Make the most of it when youhave a God who wants to give you
a ministry of reconciliation.
So, whatever that looks likestaying seated, standing,
singing, talking let's go afterthe Lord together as we move
towards the table that he'sprepared for us.
All right, guys, if you want to go ahead and grab
your Bibles, please do so.
If you don't have a Bible, takeone of the ones in the pew.
That's our gift to you.
You can keep it.
My wife, Karen Anna, is goingto read today what page are they
going to be on in the pew Bible?
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Oh, okay, 562.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
You want to get on the worship thing?
No, okay, as you guys flipthere, let me give you a quick
heads up.
When we read this if you'vebeen with us over the past few
weeks as we've been workingthrough the book Song of Solomon
, just know I referenced thispassage.
So if you're like, wait aminute, this sounds a little bit
familiar.
We pointed to it a couple ofweeks ago, but we're going to
dig into what I think is one ofthe most fascinating texts in
(00:39):
the entire book of Song ofSolomon, karen All right.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
It's chapter five, verse two, on the Pew Bibles.
It's page 562.
I slept but my heart was awake.
A sound my beloved is knockingopen to me.
My sister, my love, my dove, myperfect one, for my head is wet
with dew, my locks with dropsof the night.
(01:04):
I had put off my garment howcould I put it on?
I had bathed my feet.
How could I soil them?
My beloved put his hand to thelatch and my heart was thrilled
within me.
I arose to open to my belovedand my hands dripped, with my
fingers with liquid myrrh and onthe handles of the bowl.
(01:24):
I opened to my beloved but mybeloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him but found him not.
I called him but he gave noanswer.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Amen, thank you, I appreciate it.
I love you.
You sticking around or whereare you going?
Going home to clean for roots?
Okay, good stuff, all right.
So if you have not been with us,what you just read was the
first time things go south inthis cute, high chemistry, high
compatibility, high characterrelationship.
(02:00):
And let me just tell yousomething I did not prepare
myself for.
This is my bad, and I realizedthat.
Tell you something I did notprepare myself for this is my
bad, and I realized that halfwaythrough the first service.
I think this is funny.
I think watching a couple getin a little tift in the middle
of the night is funny.
What I didn't think about issome of you may be walking in
(02:23):
today where it is not so funnyto think about a relationship
going sideways.
But let me give you sort of themap of what we're going to look
at.
We are going to look at arelationship at its absolute
pinnacle.
We're going to watch it fallinto disrepair and then we are
going to watch God restorebroken relationships.
(02:44):
And from this we're going tosay God, restore broken
relationships.
And from this we're going tosay well, god, can you restore
my broken relationship with youBecause I keep messing it up.
Or if you're not a believer inthe room and you're checking out
the Bible and the claims ofChrist, asking yourself for the
first time hey, do I want to berestored and reconciled with God
, do I want to have a goodrelationship with the God who
created me?
And so then we will end ourservice in communion, which is
(03:08):
the way that God's people, forthousands of years, have drawn
near to God and been reminded ofthe lengths that God went to to
fix the brokenness of therelationship that we have
created.
So that's sort of going to bethe path.
Here's where I want us to start.
I want us to start.
Oh, y'all have me in the backthere.
(03:30):
Is it on me or is it on you?
There, it is Okay.
I want us to remember where weleft out, left off.
I've tried to give you guys alittle bit of a cringe warning
each time we've met.
Last week, I gave y'all a fourand a half out of five, and I
(03:50):
have people come up to me andsay, well, like it could have
been like way more awkward.
Okay, fair enough.
I would still say today's isabout a four, but it's going to
start on the higher end.
And it might be that I forgotto read this verse to you last
week, which I think ramps up alittle bit of awkwardness at
church.
So here is where we left thecouple.
(04:12):
He looks at this woman whom heloves and he tells her one of
the things he loves most abouther A garden locked is my sister
, my bride of spring locked.
A fountain sealed All of thesethings that he has been praising
her for.
They culminate in and you savedthem just for me.
If you've had a broken sexualpast, just know we also covered.
(04:32):
How is it that we can berestored if we haven't had the
ideal situation?
But then I want you to noticewhat she says to this guy who
loves her.
She says awake, oh north wind,and come, oh south wind.
Blow upon my garden, let itsspices flow, let my beloved come
to his garden and eat itschoicest fruits.
In other words, you have heldyourself for me, I have held
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myself for you.
We're pursuing the Lord.
We recognize that romantic,passionate love is something
created by God.
So here's what she's sayingRomantic, passionate love is
something created by God.
So here's what she's sayingEnjoy, enjoy.
Enjoy my mind, my heart, mysoul, my friendship, my body, my
everything is yours to beenjoyed.
And the guy says sounds like aplan, let's do that.
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And that's where we findourselves in chapter 5, verse 1.
I came to my garden, my sister,my bride, I gathered, I ate, I
drank, I enjoyed all thatromantic love had to offer.
And then it does get a littlebizarre.
Why is it after?
And look, this would be theclimax and I use that word
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intentionally of Song of Solomon, all right, why is it all of a
sudden other people are there.
Can we all say that's a littlebit weird, like, should people
really be weighing in on this?
This is fascinating.
In the Old Testament, the way awedding worked is so different
than ours.
I will meet with, I was goingto say, brides and grooms, but
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the grooms don't really care,like they don't care if the
service is 30 minutes, theydon't care if it's three minutes
, they're just like I'm tryingnot to pass out, I'm trying to
make it to the reception andreally I'm just trying to make
it beyond that, and so that'stypically where the groom is,
but the bride has expectations.
The bride is like I would likefor it to look like this the
flowers are going to and my veilwith all of these little things
, and then they will say this isthe stuff we'd like in the
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service.
And I always ask how long doyou think this is going to be?
And it is like, as time hasgone by, weddings are getting
shorter and shorter and shorter.
I don't know if y'all arepicking up on this, if you've
gone to weddings, but it getsshorter and shorter and shorter.
And here are all of theseexpectations.
Back then, weddings were longerand longer and longer and longer
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.
It was.
You remember Jesus's firstmiracle.
It's a wedding and what'shappened?
They've ran out of wine, whichmeans the party was going quite
a while, especially if you'regonna store your wine in a stone
cask.
I mean, we're not talking aboutlittle bottles here, we're
talking about this party's beengoing for a minute.
What's happening here is justprepare yourself for this.
(07:07):
She walks down the aisle.
I do, I do Kiss.
Walk down the aisle.
Insert what started happeningfive years ago A dip and a kiss
that the photographer's readyfor.
I don't know if y'all know this.
It's like the thing thathappens now, all the time in
weddings that happens, and thenthey go.
They have a party and then theygo to the honeymoon and nobody
hears from them because they'vegone to Jamaica or they've gone
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to the mountains, or they wentto the beach and that's it, and
it's not the way it works in theOld Testament.
Their honeymoon was at thehouse that he prepared for her,
which is where the wedding justhappened, which means they have
the marriage, they go onhoneymoon, they wake up the next
morning and the party continues, which means after the
honeymoon and after thehoneymoon night.
Other people are like this isgreat, we're so happy that you
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guys had an awesome nighttogether, let's have another
party and we're gonna do itagain.
And then we're gonna do itagain.
A little bit more awkward thanour sensibilities, but they had
a better theology of celebrationand I think we ought to as well
.
What I want you to definitelynotice is the climax of this
Song of Songs, 5-1.
If you are a nerd in the room,this is your moment.
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You want to see somethingreally fascinating.
If you count up all of thewords of Song of Solomon, or if
you count up all of the versesof Song of Solomon, do you want
to guess where chapter 5-1 sits?
Anybody want to guess?
Yeah right, smack dab in themiddle.
All right, right, smack dab inthe middle, which means and, by
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the way, if you really want toimpress people, this is called a
chiasm, or this is chiastic,and what that means is it lives
in the middle of the book, asthe pinnacle of the book.
This is what the whole thing ispointing to this moment.
But what is really really coolis actually what happens next.
(08:58):
If you follow the story, we comeup in the motion like this, and
the first third it's all aboutlike longing and longing being
fulfilled.
Then we move from longing intolike wedding world, then climax.
Do you want to guess whathappens right after that?
(09:19):
Anybody want to guess whathappens after that?
This happens after it.
You want to know why?
Because you're all sinners.
That's why, because you're allsinners.
That's why?
Because we're all sinners?
Because as soon as we getsomething great, we forget
ourselves, we lose ourselves.
We all of a sudden forget thegood God who gave us the good
thing, or we make the good thingabout us and we lose the whole
point.
And what you are about to watchis when love goes wrong, and
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guess what it always does.
One about to watch is when lovegoes wrong and guess what it
always does.
One little note I've triedreally hard to sort of have a
50-50 married to singleperspective as we've worked
through the book.
It hasn't been hard to dobecause I think the Bible
presents this book for bothmarried and singles.
Singles I'm just giving you aheads up.
You're gonna have to lean in alittle harder for the first half
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.
You're not gonna have to leanin a little harder for the first
half.
You're not going to have anytrouble in the second half.
Okay, because eventually thistalks about all of our
relationships, married people.
This is me loving you.
Do not nudge your spouse.
I'm going to tell you why rightnow.
It's not because you're wrong,okay.
It's not because it's weird, orit's because the chick in the
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story nudges her husband and itblows up in her face.
I'm trying to protect you, okay.
The one who nudges early feelslike a fool by the end.
I'm just loving you and tellingyou elbows in this is what I
tell my girls.
Every soccer game elbows in.
You can lean as much as youwant.
Elbows in this is what I tellmy girls.
Every soccer game Elbows in.
You can lean as much as youwant Elbows in.
So here we go.
All of a sudden it comes downand, by God's grace, what you
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will see is it comes back up.
And if you look at this blueline and all you do is look at
the blue line this is thedefinition of sanctification.
We draw near to the Lord, wedraw nearer to the Lord, things
are great and we sin and, byGod's grace, he restores us.
(11:12):
And we draw near again andagain and again.
So welcome to a story aboutsanctification.
And here is what you're goingto find, elbazin.
Here are six problems that aregoing to arise in this
relationship.
Really quick, when we choose towork late husbands I'm pointing
at you on this, but it isn'tgender specific when we choose
to work late, to be out or to bedistracted rather than being
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present.
Problem number two wheninvasive inner thoughts whisper
do they even deserve my kindness?
And sometimes we let thosethoughts slip out.
Problem three when you long forspace until you get it and it
hurts more than you expected itto.
Problem four when you pursueintimacy and they don't respond
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or simply aren't available.
When unusual pain, trauma andresentment show up in your
relationship.
When unusual pain, trauma andresentment show up in your
relationship.
And finally, when your privatestruggles become public pain,
broadcast for others to see.
If you don't get anything out ofthis text, it's not on me when
people say, man, I just wish theBible would talk about real
(12:17):
life stuff.
I just wish it would lean in.
Guys like I could screw this up.
God's word and God's spirit.
This is for all of us today andTuesday and Thursday.
So cowboy up as we starttalking about.
What about when relationships gowrong?
Keep in mind, for all of thesewith maybe the exception of
number four it does not requirea spouse.
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This could be a relationshipwith your mom.
It could be a relationship withyour dad, your neighbor who
always leaves their garbage cansout, or whatever else it is.
This is just doing somebodythat you served with and kids
once, and it didn't go well.
This relates to all of us andhere is what we find.
Song of Solomon 5.
I slept, but my heart was awake.
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A sound my beloved is knockingOpen to me.
My sister, my love, my dove, myperfect one, for my head is wet
with dew, my locks with thedrops of night.
We don't know it up to thispoint in the text, but this
woman was ready for her man tobe home.
And when I say ready for herman to be home, it was not to
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discipline the kids, it was notbecause dinner was ready.
It's because she was ready forher man to be home.
And we know this because ofwhat happens next in verse three
.
Here is what has been going onin her mind and in her night
that her husband has missed outon.
I have put off my garment.
How could I put it on?
So she's in bed either in anightie or less.
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I have bathed my feet.
How could I soil them?
She has gotten clean.
She has gotten prepared.
She has expectations over thenight.
But those expectations areabout to be unmet because old
boy shows up late.
How late does the old boy showup?
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He shows up pretty late If yourhair is wet, because the dew
has already wet the grass.
You did not just play an extragame of Call of Duty at your
buddy's house.
All right If you are walking inwith the smell of the night on
you.
You didn't just go and watchthe game.
It cascaded into something else.
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This guy has shown up late andhe knows it.
We know he knows it becausehe's knocking on a door, which
brings a question to mind whydoes he not have a key to his
own house?
Is this where the argumentbegan in the first place?
You always lose your keys andwe are late to church because
you can never keep up.
I can relate to this.
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Somehow he shows up at home, heshows up at home and it's
really late.
She had expectations.
Big question mark.
Did she share thoseexpectations?
Did she not communicate them?
We don't know.
All we know is he shows up verylate or is very distracted
rather than being present.
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Now he's going to try to fixthis situation.
He's going to lean in and he'sgoing to try to make it better,
but it's going to be hard to do.
All right, ladies, in just amoment, if you're, you know
whether you're married or notyou can play along.
Married women, I want you toplay along.
Okay, I'm going to ask you toput your hands up.
I'm doing a lot of work up here.
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This can't be the hardest thingin the world, all right.
So I want you to lean in.
I'm giving you a heads up.
Here is his attempt to fix thenight that is in the process of
going wrong.
Open to me my sister, my closestfriend, the one whom I love, my
love, my darling, the placewhere my affection and all of my
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anticipation goes.
You are the one that I cling tomy dove with your dovey little
eyes, which is a compliment thathe gives her all the time.
This is probably a pet name.
This is him saying ohschmookums.
Oh, sweetheart, babe, can youopen the door?
This is probably what'shappening here.
I don't know if you have asweet little pet name for your
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love, I have one for my wife andI will tell it to you.
And none of you are allowed touse it, because that's my point
in this passage.
This is probably him connecting.
My wife's name is Karen Ann.
It's a double name becauseshe's from the South.
She got the name Karen longbefore it became socially a meme
to be called a Karen.
She didn't like being calledKaren before that happened, but
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now she really doesn't likebeing called by her first name.
So if people struggle becauseit's complicated to remember two
names, half of us can'tremember one name when we walk
into church.
She's made it easier and shesaid just call me K-A.
Well, I started calling her K-A.
When we started dating I alsocalled her baby.
Those were my two names for her, so I call her K-B and I've
called her K-B since we werelike 17 years old.
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If I had showed up and thebedroom door was locked, I'd be
like KB, come on, open the door.
You know I can get through thisthing anyway.
I mean, what is this Like?
This is probably what'shappening.
But then he says this thisone's my favorite, my perfect
one.
I may be leaning in a littlefar here, but how often, when
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you are sideways with somebody,do you call them perfect?
You probably don't, unlessyou're willing to own the
garbage yourself.
I think these three little wordsare him repenting.
I think this is him saying mybad, I stayed out too late and I
didn't let you know.
Now, what's fascinating is westill don't even know what he
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was doing.
For all we know, he was outplaying video games or hanging
out with the boys, drinking,throwing cornhole, doing
whatever it was.
It could be that he stayed latebecause he was trying to make
money for a trip that they werewanting to go on, or maybe he
stayed out trying to preparesomething in their new home that
she would like.
The point is we do not know.
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All we know is it has gone verysouth and he looks at her and
he says, oh, my perfect one,it's on me All right now.
Ladies, here's where I need yourhelp.
You don't have to do thisbecause I know we're in the
south and everybody wants to becautious.
Ladies that just need to putyour hand, like right up here by
your chin, come on, hands up.
Hands up, I know if you're alady, I'm looking at you.
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Hands up for just a minute andhold them there.
Just hands up for a minute andhold them there.
I will make this as awkward asyou choose to, all right, here's
my question.
If you were married, or if yourhusband came to you when things
went South and he said my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect
one, would that fix the problem?
If it would fix it, just putyour hand down.
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Okay, all hands down, yup, yup.
Those hands stayed pretty stiff.
Now some of you may have beenlike you know what?
If he told me I had doveylittle eyes, he'd be mine.
Most of us look at that and it'slike no, I don't know what all
you thought you were going topull off with your four little,
(19:05):
sweet little sayings.
But this door isn't opening.
That's how most of us wouldrespond to this.
That's how most of us wouldlook.
But here's my question Shouldthese words end the fight?
No, says 90% of the women inthe room.
But should it?
Says 90% of the women in theroom.
But should it?
Should it?
This hubby is working hard toredeem the evening.
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Unfortunately, they're headedfor a bad night and a
disappointing night in theirbedroom.
Should it have ended Now?
Remember she asked him for helpwith this.
This is from a few weeks ago.
She looks at their tenderlittle love.
This is before they're married.
If you remember, she had to tendher relationship and her work,
her home and her job.
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She was in an unusualCinderella type situation and
when this guy comes into herlife, she looks at him and she
says will you protect this thing?
Will you catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil
the vineyard, for our vineyardis in blossom.
Will you chase away the thingsthat would ruin this great love
that God has given us?
I'm not able to do it.
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This is too big of a job.
Man, will you do against theselittle foxes what you didn't do
with the snake, and keep in mindthey're small.
It just comes in for a minute.
It doesn't have to be somethingbig, it could just be showing
home late from work.
Are you going to protect this?
Are you going to fix this?
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Because these little foxes,these garden wreckers of love,
they are not obvious, but theycan't always be ignored.
And I want to give this to youagain it's been a month since I
gave this to you.
If you want to pull your phonesout, feel it's been a month
since I gave this to you.
If you want to pull your phonesout, feel free.
I've got another QR code thatI'm going to give you in a
minute.
What are 25 ways that you canchase off the things that will
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come into your relationship andruin it?
This is a little list out of agospel-centered commentary on
the Song of Songs.
If you hadn't had time to getit, I'll put it up in just a
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minute.
But now we move to our secondproblem.
What happens when those innerthoughts whisper?
Does this person deserve mykindness?
And maybe they slip out?
He shows up late, all of thisgoes down and these are the
thoughts that she begins to have.
I've already cleaned myself up,I've already gotten myself
prepared for the night, but I amnot getting up to let you in
this house.
I'm clean and I'm cuddly andI'm warm.
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She may have said out loud totwist the knife, but you're not
getting into this warm house,you're not getting into this
warm bed and you're not gettinganywhere near this warm body.
That is what she portrays.
Now we don't know if she saysthis out loud or if she just
thinks it, but we know she atleast thinks it because of
something that comes in theverses ahead.
So what we do know is thedemeanor of her heart.
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In whatever way he sinnedagainst her, it was too big of a
deal for them to reconcile.
I'm not leaning into this.
I'm not gonna walk the 10 stepsfrom my bed to that door to
make this right, because, bubba,you have jacked up one too many
times.
You were out one hour too long.
I had plans for us and you havehurt me and my feelings, and
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she thinks she has him where shewants him.
You know what?
I'm gonna teach him a lesson.
This time I might even let himknow.
How could I walk across thisdirty floor with my clean little
feet and this nightie that I'mwearing?
How could I possibly do that?
That could very well be what'sin the text.
But as she begins thinking thisor saying this, her revenge is a
(22:38):
little too clever and it'sgonna misfire.
And this is why I told youelbows in, because we find
ourselves in the third situation, when you long for space until
you get it and it hurts morethan you expected.
My beloved put his hand to thelatch and my heart was thrilled
within me.
Some people think this is adouble entend.
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Latch and my heart was thrilledwithin me.
Some people think this is adouble entendre and it's
pointing towards somethingphysical.
I think the metaphor falls apartvery quickly.
I think the guy's literally atthe door saying baby, are you
going to open the door or not?
I've given you all thecompliments I can come up with
in the 30 seconds that I've beenstanding at the door.
Are they not enough for you toopen?
Can't we fix this thing?
Neither of us like having arelationship that's sideways.
(23:20):
Can't we lean in and fix this?
And the guy finally, is likeI'm going to pick this darn lot,
I'm going to get in.
My beloved put his hand to thelatch and notice she doesn't say
it out loud, but her heart isthrilled within her.
She isn't going to walk acrossthe door, but maybe he'll be
able to get it open, maybe hewill come in.
She is telling him through heractions or her words stay away
(23:42):
from me, while on the inside ofher heart she is longing for
their relationship to berestored.
That's real stuff, people.
That is relationship 101 typestuff.
And then verse 5.
Finally she gets up.
She's proven the point, he'sgot it, he's learned his lesson.
I arose to open to my beloved.
My hands drift with my fingers.
(24:04):
She probably puts on theperfume that was sitting next to
her bed so that she can openthe door and present herself to
her husband and say let's fixthis.
It's not fun when we'resideways.
I opened to my beloved but mybeloved had turned and gone.
She overplayed her hand, shewaited just one second too long
(24:25):
and old boy said I am tired, itis late, I'll go sleep on Kyle's
couch down the street.
And he's gone.
And notice what happens all of asudden.
And notice what happens all ofa sudden.
She opens it, tells us shesought him, she calls out to him
.
But what I really want you tonotice is this when he said my
(24:48):
dove, my love, my sister, myperfect one, the Bible wants you
and I to know.
It did affect her heart.
She didn't say anything aboutit, she didn't let him know, but
her heart had been moved.
She realizes in that momentthat she doesn't really want to
(25:08):
be apart from him.
He had pursued her and sheknows she doesn't even have the
whole story.
She chose to let separationgrow when she could have taken
10 steps to the door.
And here's the thing and I'msorry if this feels gender
specific I think men and womenboth do this but she never
communicated what she wasthinking or doing.
(25:31):
Uncommunicated expectations areone of the quickest ways to end
up sideways in ourrelationships, because she
assumes he knows what I'mthinking, he knows what I mean,
he knows I'm just playing alonguntil she opens the door and
homeboy had no clue.
She was coming anytime soon andnow he's gone and she feels the
(25:54):
remorse of not showing grace.
She feels the remorse of notcommunicating.
Her soul failed inside of herwhen she heard his voice and she
may not have let him know thatshe had forgiven him or longed
to forgive him, but she doesmiss him, she does want to be
there.
And I would just press pauseand I would say if you feel like
the Bible doesn't speak intothe reality of relationships.
(26:15):
You're missing it.
The Bible knows when we pursueintimacy.
You feel like the Bible doesn'tspeak into the reality of
relationships.
You're missing it.
The Bible knows when we pursueintimacy and they don't respond
or they simply are not available.
Now, all of a sudden, the oneproblem has multiplied.
Now she is going to have tojoin him in forgiving and being
(26:37):
forgiven.
She is going to have to repent.
How much easier would it havebeen to just let every person be
quick to hear and slow to speak.
Slow to anger, why?
Because the anger of man doesnot produce what we hope it will
.
When we get angry, when we doone of whatever things, when you
(27:00):
fight or you flight or whateverit is, when you shut down, when
you wall up or when you lean inand you say harsh things, it
never produces what you want.
Do you know what you want inyour relationship?
You want the righteousness ofGod to explode in it.
You want to swim in thegoodness of God in these
relationships.
I'll tell you where it comesfrom being quick to hear, using
(27:22):
these twice as much as we usethis, being slow to speak,
seeing our anger coming andsaying hang on, sweetie, I need
to take a step back.
I'm getting hot, I'm movingquick, my pace is picking up in
my words, which means I'm justtrying to win an argument here,
and I know that the anger of manis not going to produce what I
want.
And now, all of a sudden, theseconsequences multiply.
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Foxes are running through thegarden of their relationship and
things are a wreck.
Just live in that for a minute.
But do you know what's so coolabout that?
Do you realize?
In God's word, he could havejust written a little verse in
Proverbs.
All he had to do to teach usthis was Proverbs 13, 11.
(28:08):
This isn't real, by the way.
I'm giving what could be aproverb.
Only a fool allows brokennessto remain for the night, but the
wise and the righteous pursuereconciliation immediately.
Proverbs doesn't exist, but youcould get the point from this.
Why?
Because God doesn't just wantto give you here's what's true,
(28:28):
here's what's wise.
Put it in place, put thisalgorithm in your soul and kind
of live the whole thing out.
God's saying hey, you want acautionary tale?
You want to know that I knowthat relationships are a mess.
You want to know that I knowhow to fix them Both my
relationship with you, yourrelationship with your spouse,
your relationship with your kids, with your in-laws, with your
neighbor, with that, whateverperson that is difficult in your
(28:50):
life.
This is the Bible saying I getit, I lean into it.
I'm not just going to say dothis, don't do that.
I'm going to provide you thiscautionary tale so that you know
that I know what I am talkingabout, because the issue is not
are we going to fight?
The issue is how are we goingto fight?
Now, I realize you guys can'tread this and it's too small.
(29:13):
I'll give you the QR code injust a moment as we walk through
it.
But here are 10 tips onfighting fair.
And now singles lean in evenmore, because you don't have to
be married to put these thingsin place.
And, by the way, if they haddone one or two of these things,
the whole night would have gonedifferently.
What is it that God calls us todo?
(29:34):
Well, the first thing is toconfront a problem as soon as
possible.
Don't wait.
When you see the problem walktoward the mess.
Secondly, master the art oflistening.
I've already hit that one.
Third, limit the discussion Ifwe're arguing over the calendar
right now and when we plan tovacation.
(29:55):
Why, all of a sudden, are wetalking about the way your
mother-in-law makes coleslaw?
Where did that come from?
And if you think I'm crazy,join me Monday through Thursday
in my office, but trust me, whenI sit down with couples, we
will be talking about this thingfor about 18 seconds and then
next thing you know it's it'sjust grabbing all of the garbage
(30:19):
and all of the mess.
If you want to fight in a waythat is fair and get something,
limit the discussion.
Hey, we can talk about thatanytime you want.
Maybe I do lose my keys all thetime.
We can talk about it.
But do we really want to stackthese issues?
Why don't we talk about melosing my keys?
Well, like things are goingwell and the kid's doing a
cannonball into the pool and youlean over and you say, hey, it
drives me crazy, you lose yourkeys.
(30:40):
Can we put an Apple tag on thatthing?
Yeah, sure, baby, whatever thatsounds good Like, that's when
we go after it, when things aregood, not stacking on top.
Use, I feel, statements.
Guys, if you are 40 or older,just join me in this moment.
We were told that guys who feelare not manly losers.
(31:04):
Having an emotional IQ meansthat you just hand it in your
man card.
Okay, I get it.
If you're young in this roomand you're like that is a
horrible thing, just know that'sall we were told.
Playing Little League All right, you strike out, don't you cry,
man.
You just walk back to thedugout and we're going to go
practice at home.
That's how a lot of us grew up,and so when I say use, I feel
(31:26):
statements.
It's one of the most comicalthings in relationships.
How are you feeling?
And the guy's like I don't know, I don't want to be here.
Well, that's not a feeling.
Believe it or not, that's areality, but it's not a feeling.
So I went and I got this littlepillow and it has all of the
little feelings in a littlewheel and it is the most used
pillow in my entire office,right, whether it's for naps or
(31:49):
not, me naps or otherwise.
And look, your wife already has20 pillows on the bed anyway.
Like, I think you can pull offone, right, like you can have.
I'm watching women who are likeit's not happening, it's not
Use statements about how youfeel.
I'll tell you why.
They can't argue with it If yousay I did say this, they can
argue with that.
But if you say I'm sad, guesswhat?
(32:11):
They can't argue it.
No, you're not.
Actually I am sad.
No, it's true, I got that oneright.
I am angry, right?
I can help you with that.
Avoid exaggerations.
Things are rarely alwaysanything or never anything.
Don't assassinate theircharacter, name calling and
telling somebody that they are,are, are this, that or the other
(32:33):
?
Use appropriate words andactions.
Not every argument is a 10.
Not every disagreement shouldblow the top of the thermometer
and don't be concerned aboutwinning or losing.
If you are, you've already lost.
The two have become one flesh.
The goal is not for you to winthe fight.
The goal is for you to navigatethe fight in a way that
glorifies God.
Pick limits, sweetie.
(32:53):
I can do this for about 15minutes before I completely lose
it.
That's my limit 10-4, at theend of 15 minutes.
If we're not in a good place,go for a walk and we'll come
back, and we'll get right backto it.
If we need to Choose to forgiveand that's the last one, because
I think it is also the biggestone, by the way if you want this
, I'll just throw that up there,and if you don't have time to
(33:14):
grab it, I'll give it to you atthe end.
Do you realize?
If they had done one, two or afew of these things, their whole
night is different.
But because both of them chosenot to, seemingly or at least
they didn't choose to at thesame time things have fallen
apart.
So is there any hope?
Is there anything that we cando?
(33:35):
You bet there is Ephesians 4.
This is the expectation ofChristians.
And if you're not a believer,if you're just checking out the
claims of Christ, this is whatthe Spirit of God wants to
produce in you.
And if it feels foreign, praiseGod.
Come and find new life inChrist.
We had somebody last service asa result of brokenness in
relationship.
Come and receive Christ for thefirst time and become a
(33:56):
believer.
Why?
Because what this realsituation put on display was
that their real situation neededa big-sized Savior, not just a
couple of little tweaks.
We need to let all bitternessand wrath, all anger, all clamor
, all slander be put away fromyou, along with all malice.
Be kind to one another,tenderhearted, forgiving one
(34:19):
another, as God in Christforgave you.
I know that I've already givenyou two things to kind of jot
down.
If you're a note taker, I wouldwrite this verse down and I
will show you why.
If you have ever tried torepent and wondered if you did
it correctly, this verse willhelp you.
If somebody has ever asked youfor forgiveness and you haven't
been sure what to do to forgivethem, well, this verse will help
(34:40):
you, and I will show you what Imean by that.
The first thing is we mustrepent, and when this passage
says, put away from you this isthe concept of repentance.
It's not my bad, sorry, thatwas less than ideal.
It is me taking this word, thisaction, this thought, this
paradigm, and saying this thingthat I am, was or did.
(35:00):
I am putting it away from me,I'm turning my back on it.
As far as the East is from theWest, so far does God put our
sins away from us?
The cross is God saying I'mtaking all of your sin and all
of your brokenness, not holdingany of it back, and I am putting
it away from you so that when Isee you, I don't see your sin,
(35:21):
I don't see your brokenness.
I see the sacrifice of my son,who loved you enough to put it
away from you when you werenever able to put it down on
your own.
The first thing you must do isrepent.
What do I mean?
Ask for forgiveness, literally,use words and if you need to
have a different word than sorry, talk about it.
Don't just assume that sorrycovers it.
(35:41):
I try to literally use the wordrepent.
Baby, I am repenting to youright now.
I screwed up and I don't wantto do that anymore.
Say that anymore, live likethat anymore.
I don't want to do that anymore.
I'm repenting to you.
The second thing that we see isreconcile, actually forgive them
.
It means no longer hold itagainst them.
We see this when the versecalls us to forgive one another.
(36:05):
It means that thing you did I'mno longer holding you
accountable for, which is also areally good benefit in not
keeping stacking arguments fromthings in the past that you said
you forgave someone for.
Forgive people the way you wantto be forgiven.
You never want to screw up, askGod for forgiveness and then
wait two weeks for him to say,well, don't forget, you did that
(36:26):
.
No, he sees the work of Christ,not your brokenness.
Reconcile with them, actuallyforgive and then reconnect, live
like they are forgiven.
Forgive and then reconnect,live like they are forgiven, be
kind to them.
I'm giving you all R's, by theway, to try to make this as easy
as possible.
Reconnect with them and, whenthat is done, renew your
(36:48):
covenant.
Now, that can have terms ofintimacy, it can have terms of
tears.
It could be walking down theneighborhood holding hands, but
come up with a way to say I amrenewing this promise that we
have made.
I've seen couples renew theirvows on the end of a very
difficult season and right now,guys are walking out of the room
(37:08):
to go get communion ready.
Why?
Because God looks at us and hesays hey, you need to renew your
commitment with me regularly.
You need to be reminded of thiswork that I have done.
Why does this happen?
Why is this?
And, by the way, this is theregular rhythm of love between
(37:30):
any two believers, married ornot Repent, reconcile, reconnect
, renew, wash, rinse, repeat.
This is not just marriageadvice.
This is the regular rhythm ofbeing a Christian.
It's not easy days, it's notfun stuff.
It's knowing.
I live in a broken world, witha broken body and broken desires
(37:51):
, where I'm going to take twosteps toward you and then I'm
going to take one away, but byGod's grace, I'm going to take
two more toward you again beforeI take one away.
And why does this happen?
Because they are both selfish.
That's why it happens.
That's why this whole thing hasplayed out.
He stays out too late, works toolong, gets distracted too
(38:13):
easily.
Whatever it is, she's waitingfor him and he doesn't show up
and her feelings get hurt.
And when her feelings get hurt,she decides to turn the knife
rather than turning toward himand she finds more emptiness
than she ever wanted.
And now it takes twice theeffort to fix the thing.
And I'll prove it to youliterally, numerically.
She had put off her garment andshe had bathed her feet.
(38:35):
She did two things to try tomake the relationship good.
And when it went south, watchhow many things she has to do to
try to make it good again.
She has to get up, she has togo open the door, she has to
walk outside and she has tostart screaming Twice as much
effort as before.
Did you pick up on this Amoment ago?
She wouldn't walk across theroom.
(38:55):
And do you know what we'rereading here?
Homegirl's about to go for awalk down Broadway looking for
the guy.
Did he go to Kyle's house?
Did he go to Andrew's house.
Where did this guy go off to?
I got to find him.
I can't believe that I was socold-hearted when he was trying
to reconcile.
I don't even know why he showedup as late as he did.
Maybe he's got a good reasonand now it's going to take so
(39:17):
much more work.
It's not simple to fix anymoreand, sadly, it's not even
private in nature.
She walks into the city, timeout, pause.
This is where I wonder if thisis a dream or if this is
something that she'srecollecting, because what
happens next seems so bizarre.
She walks out into the city andhere's what happens to her she
(39:40):
gets beat, bruised and they ripoff her veil.
Okay, it sounds like anightmare to me, but regardless,
whatever is happening here, thepeople who are supposed to
protect her aren't.
Now, why would that happen?
It could be that she didn't puton appropriate clothing and
walked into the city and startedyelling Kyle, where are you,
where are you going?
(40:00):
Hey man, where are you?
And all of a sudden, she startsto look like a woman.
That Proverbs tells the wholesociety to look out for Somebody
who's dressed inappropriately,someone who's loud and wayward,
who doesn't stay at home, who'sin the street and in the market.
They may be looking at her andsaying this is a woman who's not
trying to fix a relationship,this is a woman who is looking
(40:21):
to ruin other people'srelationship and all of a sudden
, difficulty and trauma andbrokenness slide in.
But you will not see her blamehim at this point.
Her heart has turned.
She has seen that this issuewas on her too, and she may have
been slow to repent, but whenshe does, she does so
(40:44):
wholeheartedly.
And this brings us to the lastlittle bit, when your private
struggles become public pain,because all of a sudden she
looks at her friends and shesays will you help me find him?
Will you tell him that I'm sickwith love?
And they look at her and theysay what is your guy more than
everybody else, what is your guythat makes him so very special
(41:08):
and as horrible as it sounds,all of this pain and all of this
garbage being brought into thepublic?
They didn't have Instagram,they didn't have Facebook, they
didn't have anything like that,but somehow the thing that
happened at their front door isnow in the whole community and
everybody knows.
And she's not trying to protectherself.
(41:29):
She's ready now to own it.
He's not trying to protecthimself.
He is ready to own it becauseshe longs for him and she longs
for what they used to be and nowshe believes they can be that
way again.
You see, this isn't anexhaustive list.
This is just what we see happenacross about seven hours.
(41:51):
But while this isn't exhaustive, I think it is supposed to be
exhausting.
I think it's supposed to causeus to be like why are
relationships so hard?
If you love Jesus and I loveJesus, why is it so hard all of
the time?
And this brings us to thebiggest question Can this kind
of stuff be fixed?
(42:11):
And I said it on the onset andI will tell you now absolutely
it can.
Karen Ann and I, on Wednesdaynight, in case you don't know,
we've been doing this breakoutbecause we've been doing Song of
Solomon and on Wednesday nightswe did one last week and we'll
do two more Everybody's kind ofcoming together for a minute and
then married folks are stayingin the room and we're having
(42:33):
discussion and Q&A and y'all canask us anything that we want.
We talked about intimacy andyou guys did not hold back.
It was awesome.
I think some people may neverhave returned to the church
simply because they're like arethey really going to talk about
this?
We're like who else do you wantto talk about it?
I want to hear what God's Wordhas to say about anything that
you have in mind.
But when we look at this sort ofexhausting thing, here's what I
(42:56):
found out on Wednesday nightthat I never knew.
My wife is sitting next to meand we're talking about when
relationships go wrong.
It's a pretty vulnerableposition to be on in front of
peers, and here's what she said.
She said sometimes I don't wantanything to do with him.
I was surprised too, you know.
(43:18):
With him.
I was surprised too, you know.
But I have this note full ofreasons.
He's an honorable guy who Ican't stop loving.
I didn't know that I have yetto be able to find this mythical
note, although it has increasedmy cleaning of the bedroom and
the bathroom because I thinkit's got to be there.
If it's on her phone, I amhopeless.
(43:39):
Far too many notes to gothrough.
But this young lady was wiseenough to do the same.
She looks at this man and inthe verses ahead, when she
finally reconnects with him withunashamed, non-blushing reality
, she says I may have screwed itup and he may have screwed it
up, but do you want to know whyI love this guy?
(43:59):
I love him because his head isthe finest gold.
He has eyes like doves.
Their kids are going to havecrazy dovey eyes.
His cheeks are like a bed ofspices.
I love the dude's arm.
His body is polished.
Ivory Doesn't miss leg day iswhat I'm hearing in this passage
.
His legs are alabaster columns.
(44:20):
His appearance drives me crazy.
I love that.
But do you want to know thebest part?
She goes through this list ofwhat she loves about him, but
the best part is actually whatshe ends with with this is my
(44:43):
beloved, this is my friend.
And at the end of the day, Iwill tell you what she missed
most that night.
It wasn't her expectations orhis.
She longed for her best friendagain.
She longed for the one who kneweverything about her, and she
knew everything about All of thebrokenness bundled up.
She longed for her friend.
And when the Pharisees and thereligious people looked at Jesus
(45:05):
, do you know what they calledhim?
A friend of sinners.
My husband was a friend to mewhen I was a sinner.
My wife was a friend to me whenI was a sinner.
And do you know what they wereputting on display?
That Christ is a friend to allof us who sin.
He is a friend to those of uswho, when we look at that list
(45:25):
of six things.
We're like fail, fail, fail,fail, fail.
And he says I'm a friend topeople like this.
You don't need to be impressive, you don't need to clean
yourselves up.
What you need to know is I wantto draw near to you.
Will you draw near to me?
I broke my body.
We will look at it.
I shed my blood so that youcould come near.
And here is what Christ callsus to.
(45:47):
From now on, no more of thoserelationship gains.
We regard no one according tothe flesh, even though we used
to regard Christ that way.
I don't see my relationshipsthat way and I don't see Christ
in a worldly way.
He's done something new in myheart.
Therefore, if anyone is inChrist, he is a new creation,
and this is what's available toall of us today, no matter how
(46:10):
many jacked up stories you haveof broken relationship past.
Do you want to be made new?
Do you want the old to passaway?
Do you want the new to come?
Because all of this is from God, and here's our word.
He reconciled us to himself andthen he doesn't stop.
He says I've made you closewith me to give you a ministry
(46:32):
of reconciliation.
You have a new ministry, andit's not kids ministry and it's
not donuts, it's not being anelder, it's not serving in youth
ministry.
Do you know what your new jobis?
Christian Reconciling,reconciling yourself with people
.
You're sideways withReconciling people to God,
recognizing that he has openedthe door, that for our sake he
(46:58):
made Jesus to be sin, who knewno sin, so that in him we might
become the righteousness of God.
This is the good news of JesusChrist.
This is the gospel.
So, as the guys, if y'all wantto go ahead and get in place, if
you're not a believer, justknow you need to get this
reconciled first.
It might simply look like God.
I need to ask for theforgiveness of my sins.
I need to be made new.
(47:19):
I'm not good enough the way Iam.
If there is something wrongwith the relationship in the
room, please make that rightbefore you come here.
I know this is a sacred space,but it's not a stuffy one.
If you want to walk outside andpray, if you want to come down
front and talk, ask questions,we're open.
But if you need to tellsomebody hey, I need to forgive
you, I need to repent, we needto reconnect.
(47:42):
Don't just make it a Sunday.
Make the most of it when youhave a God who wants to give you
a ministry of reconciliation.
So, whatever that looks likestaying seated, standing,
singing, talking let's go afterthe Lord together as we move
towards the table that he'sprepared for us.
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