Cynthia Hammer Living with Inattentive ADHD MomCave LIVE

Episode Transcript
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Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (00:11):
Hello.
Okay, we're live. Welcomeeveryone to MomCave LIVE where
we may have lost our minds. Butwe have lost our sense of humor.
And I'm Jen and I have authorCynthia hammer here with me
tonight. And we have so much totalk about. Hey, Cynthia.

Cynthia Hammer (00:29):
Hi, Jen, nice to be with you again.

Thank you. Yeah, I was a guest on
Cynthia's podcast just a littlewhile ago. And I'll tell you all
about that. But we'd like forthis to be interactive. So we
can read the comments. If youhave any questions or comments,
just pop them in there. And wewill be watching it. And we'll
be talking with everybody. SoCynthia wrote a book, first of

(00:54):
all, congratulations on actuallywriting an entire book, because
not everyone can do that.

Well, and especially if you have ADHD,
it's a little hard to do. Yeah.
And I only did it because I wasforced into isolation because of
COVID.

Oh, I think we can all blame COVID
Good and bad on many things. Andyeah, it made us do some things
we wouldn't have otherwise done.
Well,

I think I at least woman I talked to a lot of
women figured out their ADHDbecause of COVID. So it was good
in that way. They were homewatching tik tok watching
Instagram, and they startedrecognizing themselves.

Right?
Well, that is definitely whathappened to me and some of my
family. So I would love to talkabout that. Before we do, I'll
flash up the book and the linkto the book will it'll be in the
comments, but this is Cynthia'sbook. And when oops, see, I'm
having all my crazy thingshappen in here. With my screen.

(01:55):
We don't need to see you. Okay.
So when umm, there we go. Now wewant you to be next to me. The
technical difficulties, there wego. Okay, that's much better.

Just slow motions, working slowly.

Jennifer Weedon Palaz (02:15):
Sometimes when you have ADHD, it seems
like your brain either isworking too quickly for the
situation or too slowly for thesituation, but it's never on it.

Well, someone wrote the other day, which I
really responded to about howtime differs. And they said, if
you're getting ready to gosomeplace time is really short.
But if you're waiting for sometime is really long. That's
true. That's so they weretalking, you know, back and
forth between when time seems todrag on forever. And when it

(02:46):
goes by so quickly, you can'timagine you're running late.
Right? And that's likeParenthood in general. It's

like, some the days, you know, the
facility cliche, the days feelso long.

But the years especially when school gets out
for the summer, those first fewdays of summer are really long.

They're very long. I'm very rough. So
let's get back to the ADHD talk.
Okay, it seemed like you said itseemed like with the advent of
Tik Tok, all of the sudden therewere all of these people telling
you about how adult women werenot diagnosed at all or
incorrectly diagnosed, that theyhad had ADHD. And everyone was

(03:29):
sort of figuring it out bylistening to each other's
symptoms and experiences andgoing oh, that's me. I see that
in me. Um, so do you think thatthe rates of ADHD have gone up,
or just the rates of beingdiagnosed have gone up?

Well, I'm reading that, even for autism
and for ADHD, the symptoms werebased on research done mostly on
males. And so it's more naturalthat the males are getting drawn
out. Besides that, the I can'tsay the girls don't have
physical hyperactivity, but themen are more free to release

(04:11):
their physical likehyperactivity, so they got
diagnosed more often. And theaverage age of children getting
diagnosed is seven. But thatexcluded all these girls that
weren't getting diagnosed atall. And even now, we think only
about 20% of the adults knowthat they have ADHD. So there's

(04:31):
a big backlog.

When Okay, When you say, have ADHD,
to me, it's always like, thatkind of sounds like, is it a not
a disease, but it's a disorder.
But what you have I guess, is acollection of symptoms are a way
I'm not making any sense rightnow. But you know, I is it's not
like I have this disease. It'smore like I have these

(04:56):
characteristics. of, that that'smaybe the way my brain works. Is
that correct?

I would think so it's down to our brain wiring.
And there are certain thingsthat are harder for us to do.
And maybe there are other thingsthat are easier for us to do.
But we're not, we're in aminority. So the world is mostly
set up for people who don't havebrains like us. And we're trying
to say, hey, you know, just witha few adaptations, we'll

(05:27):
function much better insituations where now we're often
feeling ashamed or awkward.
We're not sure how to proceed.
So our organization is reallyinto children getting diagnosed
by the second grade, comingthrough life, knowing that you

(05:48):
have this different brain. It'sjust it's a huge, it's a game
changer.

Yeah.

I don't know if you've experienced that yet.
Jennifer, because you saidyou've only been diagnosed a
couple of years. But it usuallytakes more than a couple of
years to really feel comfortablein a persona that incorporates
your ADHD.

Yeah, I mean, to be very honest, there
are still times where I'm like,Oh, is this a real thing? It's
so it seems so trendy,especially with like, we were
talking about the whole tik tokthing, and everyone and their
every girl online girl, werewomen that every woman online is
saying, I have ADHD now. And Iwas and I kind of some on
Sundays doubt, like, is it justthe trendy thing, you know, and

(06:34):
then we get medicated? And it'skind of is it like in you know,
back in the 50s? When housewivesare depressed, so they were
getting all kinds of drugs? Iknow what isn't that I know it
isn't. But on my dark days, I'mlike, maybe this isn't a thing.
And even so I even doubt it,though I most definitely have

Well, at least a lot of people that I talked to,
it.
they went through their livesknowing, feeling they were
different. Yes. And so I thinkthat's the first clue. You
really felt different throughoutyour life without an explanation
of why do I feel different? Dr.
Dodson talks about peoplefeeling like they didn't get the

(07:15):
owner's manual, or they got thewrong owner's manual, they just
aren't sure how to function,right in certain situations in
our society. And then when theydo really well, they have this
variable performance, which addsto they're saying, you know, who
am I? Am I this person who cando awesome things, but the next

(07:36):
day, I turn around and dosomething dumb. Without the
explanation of why that mighthappen in your life. You do
absorb those comments, you'relazy, you're stupid. You're,
you're not living up to yourpotential. And you have to say,
Yeah, I agree. I'm not living upto my potential, but I don't
know how to

Right! So to me, I definitely I've
always felt like, different butI just thought this is just me,
this is the way I am.
Something's wrong with me. Idon't know what it is. But, you
know, I can't I don't have theenergy other people have I get
overwhelmed so easily. I can'tconcentrate on one thing. And
that's just, that's just me. Andit's kind of this. That's a more
negative way of feeling.

Yeah, people end up saying it's my personality
flaw. There were some peoplethat said I thought it was
normal, because my whole familywas this way. So that was that
was kind of refreshing to hearthat you didn't feel alone.
Right?

Well, that's good. If you if you don't
feel alone. How common is it forit to run in families? Do you
know the statistics on that?

I think the research is that the likelihood
is at 50%. One or the otherparent has it is that genetic.
And what I had heard 30 yearsago, just from a practicing
pediatrician, is that second toheight. And you know how often
we say oh, he inherited hisheight from his dad or

(09:10):
inherited. They say that ADHD isthe second most inheritable
characteristic that they havefound. So very, very common. And
beyond that, though, if youdon't have ADHD in your family,
you might have autism. You mighthave Bipolar, there are lots of,
I guess, parts of the brainwhere things could just be wired

(09:33):
differently. And so there's acomplex of disorders, I guess
you'd call it that could run infamilies.

Yeah.
And how if you don't mind measking How old were you when you
were diagnosed?

Well, it was 30 years ago. Almost 31. Want to be
80 next Tuesday. Oh,congratulations. And I got
diagnosed when I was 49. Oh, andI was diagnosed, which happens
the same way happens now with alot of adult is their child was
Yeah. Certainly before anyinternet to go and find some
getting diagnosed, and theylearned about it and figured

(10:10):
this is me also. Okay. But whenI was diagnosed, I was ashamed
and sad. And I thought I was theonly adult in America that knew
they had ADHD. Yeah. So. So whenI found one other person, and
when I found a book, there wasonly one book then there was no,

(10:32):
it wasn't even it was beforedriven to distraction.
group to talk about. Yes,Right. Right. Yeah. So having
one person in my my state, andthen we went to a conference
together, which was the firstconference for adults. That was,
that was the start. Wow, wow.

Do you think your life would have been
very different if you had beendiagnosed as a child?

So I first up off, they say people with ADHD
have terrible memory. So it'shard for me to remember except
certain episodes that stand outin my childhood. So it's hard
for me to say, I know that Iwasn't the best student, I was

(11:20):
always a B student with an A andgym, in college, I was a C
student with an A with a, B andPE. So I don't know if I would
have been a better student. Ialways wondered why I wasn't a
better student I wanted to be mybrother and sister were both in
the top classes in their school.
So as far as my generation, andmaybe my dad's upbringing, but

(11:45):
he said we could become a nurseor a teacher. So even though I
think I would have enjoyed beingan attorney, now that I look
back on it, yeah, I don't thinkmy parents would have steered me
in that direction. And it was ajoke when I went to college, but
it was mostly you go to collegeto get an Mrs.

Mrs.
didn't meet the husband. And didyou? Did you meet your husband
in college?

So in a way it was kind of an off and on
relationship? Yes.

Jennifer Weedon Pala (12:23):
experience than you as a child. And and
anyone who's watching if youwant to jump in and tell us if
you see this, what you see inyourself or your kids, um, I
wasn't an I was a straight Astudent, I had the highest SAT

(12:44):
score that my high school everhad. My amazing and I loved
school. But it was because Iwas. And that's why I think, you
know, no, I was not diagnosed.
Nobody thought of it.

And maybe that's why you question it too. Because
you're told if you're smart, youcan't have ADHD, which is a
myth,

Right.
But if you if you ever talked tomy mother, she will tell you all
kinds of things. Like, she usedto always say, Jennifer leaves,
trails everywhere, meaning Ijust have piles of stuff. And
I'm very, like, if somethinggets put away, I'll forget it
exists. So I have to have itthere to see it to tell me to do
something. And then those pileup. Because I don't I'm not the

(13:26):
best judge of time, orprioritizing, all of the sudden,
it just looks like bombs havegone off. And I think it was a
good student, because Iovercompensated in all of all of
these ways. And my brain wasgoing so quickly. And I put a
lot of my angst into, well, if Ijust study harder if I just do

(13:48):
this, and I'm memorize thesethings. And I think I would have
been maybe more relaxed if Iknew that I had ADHD.

Well, I'm wondering when you are a good
student do get benefits fromthat. Did you tell yourself I'm
smart? I'm a good student, youknow, did that kind of balance
some of the negative thingsgoing on?

In many times? You know, there were
times where I was proud. And Iwas I was happy that I was a
good student and I was beingrecognized for it. But there was
always this belief in the backof like, yeah, I can be really
smart like I can pass tests andI can be really smart but deep
down they don't know that I am adisaster.

Oh, you felt like an imposter? Yeah, well for
me, I I was too unaware. I tellpeople I was too on our were to
mask but when I tried to go forcollege interviews, and I don't
know if they still do them inperson. The person asked me why
my score on my SATs variedbetween 150 points between one

(14:53):
year and the next year. I andshe said Didn't you feel well
that way that that day? I had noexplanation. But when I got
diagnosed, I realized that'stied in with probably anxiety.
Variable performance. Yeah, youcan't explain why some days

(15:14):
you're on and some days you'reoff. No.

Do you deal with like, a lot of energy
ups and downs? And

I know you talked about that. I used to
need to take naps a lot. And Ican't say now that I'm back
having allergy problems, whichalso from research is more
prevalent and people with ADHDtheres a lot of health
conditions. So lucky. Yeah, weget the whole the whole ball of

(15:48):
wax. I know. I mean, we do getapparently more health problems
because we don't aren'tconsistent. We don't follow the
doctor's directions. It's hardfor us to follow a diet, it's
hard for us to go get exercise.
That regularity is hard for us.
So now I don't need I think myenergy is good all day long.

(16:11):
Well,

That so great. Yeah. Yeah. When we
talked, I guess I just touchedon that. That was like the thing
that kept my whole life has beenI've been a low energy person.
And I get a ton done, and I'mreally productive. But then I
just crash. And I feel like if Idon't take a nap, I'm going to
be ill. I'm going to die. Right.
And so yeah,

Just being worn out. And it was hard for me to
understand when you said that,how medicine makes the
difference? Um, I said, likehaving coffee, or is it less
anxiety? Because anxiety canwear you out too?

Yeah, I think that what what wears me
out is that my brain is going soquickly and can't focus on one
thing, and I'm trying to do allthese things at once. And they
all seem equally important.
Sewing calm, calm, medicationkind of calms that down. It
doesn't change much about who Iam, or anything. It just, I just

(17:09):
kind of the first time I tookit, I went oh, like it like it
was like a buzz kind of stopped,like the background noise kind
of stopped a little bit. Yeah.

So for a lot of people, when they take
medication, they don't even seethe difference because they just
feel normal. Maybe they feellike their best selves.

Crappy when you're not on the
medication, your life,

More the time.

Yeah, yeah, that's definitely true for
me and coffee definitely helps.
I know that. Caffeine is sort ofa self medicating thing.

So you drink a lot of coffee, or

I try not to drink too much. I drink a
cup in the morning. And I myroutine, I definitely always
have a cup in the morning and acup at 5pm. Oh, wow, you have a
routine. Yeah, that's my coffeeroutine. And I love it. That the
one to 5pm is like a yummyvanilla latte coffee. So I look
forward to it. And then on daysthat I'm really, really busy and

(18:14):
exhausted, I sometimes will havea cup in the middle there or a
cup of tea. But I definitelyfeel a difference. I wanted to
talk a little bit aboutsomething that you introduced me
to. After we did our talk onyour podcast, you emailed me and
you said, um, there's thisthing, and I think that it might

(18:35):
be helpful for you. I'm notselling it. I'm not paid to tell
you this. And I've heard of itbefore, but I've never thought
of really, really giving it atry. Can you just briefly say
what that is about? That is?

Well, I guess I met someone connected with the
company and as a favor to him. Isaid I'd try it. And so for me,
if I tell someone something thathelps me to get to do it. But I
can't say that I would havepersisted as much as I did
without having told someone notto video game that's on your

(19:14):
cell phone. I don't know whatthe price is a month. But its
purpose. It's beenscientifically constructed to
improve someone's attention.
It's not supposed to replacemedication. Right. But it does
improve someone's attention. AndI've played since mid July every
day. Yeah. And I have I did Ifeel like it improved my

(19:39):
attention. And that boring tasksthat I needed to do for my
organization. I could persistwith almost all day long. And I
would think prior to doing this,I kind of persisted like that.
Yes. So I say

the ADHD brain gets bored very
quickly and boredom is just likehell for us. So right

Right and so I, it is kind of boring, because
you're manipulating this guy ona little raft going down to
stream and he's got thesefountains he's supposed to hit.
And then every now and thensomething that you've been told
ahead of time to remember, andyou're in real trouble. If you

(20:22):
don't remember, you need toremember that target. So when it
appears you zap the target.
Yeah, and if you're zapping thewrong target, or if you're not
zapping quickly enough, youdon't get to move to the next
level. Yeah, there's all thoselittle rewards that you want to
be successful. Yeah,

I found it really interesting. I was
reading a little bit about it.
And apparently this has beenclinically tested and used for
children before before thisversion, we're talking about the
adult version, and it's calledan endeavour OTC. But the the
Endeavour for children wasapproved by the FDA as an ADHD
treatment, which blows my mindthat the FDA, FDA approves a

(21:08):
video game. Yeah,

Well, I think it blew a lot of people's minds and
they questioned it. But now thatit's out for adults, it's just
over the counter. They'reworking to try to make it
approved by the FDA. But Iforgot what I was gonna say.

That's okay. Because things come and
go. Well, I've been trying it'sI don't know, it's been a week
or two. And I don't know.

Usually they say you have to stick with it for
six months, six weeks, sixweeks, drawback, and they
haven't I unable to tell youthis yet, is you don't know what
you have to do to continue. Imean, I got to a certain level,
which is like 50% of the highestyou could get I get, and I'm
plateauing. They say at somepoint you plateau really well,

(21:57):
is they say it's like exercisefor the body. So now that I
plateaued, what do I have to doto maintain it? Do I still do it
every day? I don't want to, youknow, five minutes a day, or you
know, what do I do to maintain?
That's interesting. I don't wantto lose what I've acquired, but
I don't want to keep giving 25minutes a day to maintain

(22:17):
either.

Yeah, I wonder if they'll figure that
out? Yeah,

They're working on it now. Yeah,

That's awesome. Um, the book is living
with inattentive ADHD. I readit, it was great. It was a good
book. And I was enjoying it. AndI was reading it pretty calmly.
I was actually had a few daysoff. And I was trying to relax
and have a vacation. So I'mreading this book. And I won't
give anything away. Well, I gotto a part of the book. And I was

(22:50):
gutted. And I'm sure you knowwhat part I'm referring to. And
so that was very touching forme. And it was surprising. And,
yes, this the way that ADHD canaffect our lives is is massive.
So anybody's watching and theyare looking for resources. Go to

(23:15):
Cynthia's she's up. Are you thefounder? What's your title?
You're the founder, you're thepresident.

Well, we say the executive director of a
nonprofit now called theinattentive ADHD coalition. And
we have a website with a lot ofgood articles on it. We have
videos there, but we also havevideos on a YouTube channel. And
Jennifer is I just posted hervideo today. Oh, if you want to

(23:44):
go see her interview withKatherine Allison, who's a
Pulitzer Prize winningjournalist, she also has ADD,
but the combined type. So as Igo along, I'm gathering people
that well, yeah, I'm giving apresentation at a bookstore for

(24:05):
University of Washington and theperson there that you know,
chose me she has inattentiveADHD, so I think Jennifer has it
so that's how I'm getting myspeaking engaged. People Yeah.
Yeah.

Are you as strange as me like that? Oh,
you are okay. Well, now we'llhelp each other up. It's kind of
Yes. Yeah. Yeah, go go visit herside ay.

Amazon, it should be available at all your
bookstores.

And let me make sure I can put it I'm
going to it should come up inthe should come up in the
comments when I do this.

Yeah, maybe now that I've heard bad things about
Amazon. I hate to tell people togo there to buy my book. So ask
for it at your library or askyour local bookstore. to buy it
because I've I'm hearing thatAmazon doesn't have some well

(25:08):
innocent and proven guilty Iguess there are cases out there
that they kind of force peopleto not give a better price for
their product anywhere else.

Well, I'm kind of addicted to Amazon
so me to nothing stops me thatthe UPS man comes here every day
pretty much my daughter is like,Oh, let's see UPS man. What is
what are we getting now?

Oh, not that the prime delivery person. No,

I'm too rural for that. So that shipping
takes a little longer to get tome.

Oh, yeah. Next day or?

No, we get two days, two days out here
in the boonies. But I put theURL to the book right in the
comments there. And I thank youfor writing it and for finding
me and keep doing what you'redoing. You're you have a great
mission. Thank you.

Yep, we're done.

I think we're about done. Okay, thank
you so much.

Thank you.

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