Doing it ALL | Dr. Whitney Casares | MomCave Live - MomCave LIVE

Episode Transcript
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Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (00:14):
Welcome to MomCave LIVE, where we may
have lost our minds. But we havenot lost our sense of humor. And
we're live tonight with a veryfun guest. I'm going to bring
her on. Tada. Welcome Dr. Witt.
All right.

Dr Whitney Casares (00:30):
Thank you so much.

You're very welcome. When I saw the
title of your book that's aboutto come out, I thought that we
have to have you to come onright away, because I need you,
we need you. The title is doing,doing it all doing it all: Stop
over functioning and become themom and the person that you are

(00:53):
meant to be. So, I think a lotof us can identify with this
over the over functioning, theoverwhelm. And so I thought we
could just talk about that alittle tonight. Whitney just
tell me a little bit of whatstarted? What got you into this
idea of writing this book? Andhow do you know?

Exactly.
Okay, so first of all, thereason that I wrote the book,
it's not that I was born, likethe most skilled at being able
to juggle all the things and notbe stressed out as a mom, it's
because I kind of earned mystripes the hard way. So I'm
actually trained as apediatrician, went to Stanford,
went to Berkeley and got mypublic health degree in maternal

(01:36):
and child health. So book wise,I kind of knew all the answers
as to what parents should bedoing, and moms specifically, to
be able to really take care oftheir kids the best possible and
also when things reallyinfluenced in a family, how kids
don't do well. But when I had myown daughter, my first daughter,

(01:56):
it became much more real, myoldest daughter has autism,
she's 10 years old now. And sothat push and pull of kind of
trying to do work as hard aspossible, trying to do life as
hard as possible, trying to be agood mom, it just nothing was by
the book. And I had to kind ofreimagine what life was. And
really, I think the main thingis, and the crux of the book is

(02:17):
reprioritize, like what mattersthe most to me, and what matters
the most to me as a parent, interms of raising kids that will
succeed in life. And by succeed,I do not mean Harvard, I mean,
succeed in terms of like, be thetype of person people want to be
around, like themselves be ableto pay for their own therapy,

(02:38):
all that good stuff. So. So I sothe book was born out of all of
these challenges and journeysthat I went through as myself as
a mom. But then also when I sawall these moms in my clinical
practice struggling with too.
And so I developed thisfoundational kind of framework

(02:59):
that now I use with moms allacross the nation, that helps
them really to figure out whatmatters most. And how do I spend
more time doing that stuff?

And less time and energy and all the
other stuff? That doesn'tmatter? Like? Yeah, because it
feels like all those otherthings take up so much time.
And, but yet, if we stop overfunctioning and doing it all,
who else is going to do it?
Right? That's how we feel. Howdo you answer that? Who else is
gonna do it?

Yeah, totally. Well, okay. To me,
there's actually four thingsthat you can do with all the
stuff that comes at you as amom. Okay, number one is, you're
gonna write it down. Yes, getsome notes, get some notes.
Okay, so number one is you cando it with more efficiency or

(03:50):
effectiveness. So this is like,as a pediatrician, I have to
write notes. And I have to writeemails, right. So how can I do
that without taking up as muchtime as I need to? How do I
create systems? How do I createalgorithms? How do I create
templates for things, right, soand that's what a lot of people
when they talk about gettingmore stuff done on your list,

(04:12):
that's where they focus. Theproblem is, those things are
great. But if you don't haveother strategies, as well,
you're just gonna get everythingdone faster and easier. And then
if you're functioning, justgonna add more stuff to your
list, and do it faster andeasier and have even more
resentment.

Yeah, totally. I identify with the
statement. Yeah, so if you haveany questions or comments about
what Dr. Whitney is talkingabout, please just pop in the
comments because we're watchingthem and she will answer your
questions, um, that's a reallygood point you made just there

(04:50):
because for me, and for a lot ofmy friends that are moms, it's
like you feel like you're alwaysbehind. So if you catch up a
little on something, then you'relike But I have all these other
things on behind. It doesn'tmean catch up and non caught up
and I get to relax a little. Itmeans do more things.

Yeah, exactly. And sometimes when
you're in the rhythm of doingmore things all the time
constantly and gogogo mode as amom, it actually starts to feel
really bad when you're not doinganything. So I don't know if
you've noticed that, Idefinitely see the mom but see
to myself that like when there'sdead space, then you figure out

(05:29):
even more stuff do.

Right Yeah. And I'm sure that some of
that has to do with like sittingand just being with our
emotions, or whatever's going onin life, you have to like, you
don't have the distraction ofthe busyness. But for me, I'm
also very visually stimulated.
So if I sit down on the sofa, inthe middle of my house, I can my
eyes will take in 500 thingsthat need to be done, right. So

(05:53):
it is really, really hard torelax. What kind of ways have
you helped moms learn to relax?

Yeah, so I actually think your point about
being in your house is totallyfor so many moms. So if you need
to get out of your house to beable to get more done. Like I do
so much better work at a coffeeshop. If I'm writing, for
example, I really cannot do thatvery effectively at my house

(06:24):
unless I'm editing somethingI've already written. If I'm
trying to be creative, I have todo it. Not at my home. So I'll
go someplace.

My phone ringing so hopefully
someone upstairs, will get it.

So that's one tip. The other thing is to
think about, what is in youractual home environment? What
stuff do you need to take awayto make it so that you have less
that you need to focus on? Like,what do you need to declutter?
So actually, that's one of theother strategies you can use in
your life, is to physicallydeclutter your space, and to

(07:06):
declutter your calendar. Sosometimes as moms, we'll put
stuff on our calendar, like,it's even like a nail
appointment, or a hairappointment, or whatever, like
in the name of kind of likeselfcare, or doing stuff, or
will join the volunteer PTAthing, because we want to make
sure that we're contributing.
And some of that stuff is great.
If it's like, on your heart, youcare so deeply about the PTA.

Right?

If you don't, it's okay to take a look
at your physical space and yourcalendar and say, What are these
things do I have here out ofguilt, or because I feel bad to
get rid of it, like, or I feelobligated, maybe someone else is
telling me I should do it. Sothat can be a way to really
focus in and to have less ofthat distraction and be able to

(07:52):
focus, relax. And the thirdthing I would say is, practice
makes perfect. So if you'resomeone who's used to running at
really high gear all the time,sometimes what you have to do to
get yourself into the rhythm ofit. And this was true for me,
like during the holiday break,for example, you know, I came
off a really busy season, andthen I had to relax that I say
like, Okay, I'm just gonna sithere for 30 seconds, I'm gonna

(08:14):
close my eyes for 30 seconds, orbe quiet with myself for 30
seconds, because that's all Ican handle. And then next time,
I'll make it a minute, nexttime, two minutes, three
minutes. So, you know, don't beafraid if what you really need
is like, all I'm going to do istake five breaths in my car,
before I go into my house, thatis a great way to practice kind

(08:35):
of slowing down and being ableto relax more and be able to be
more focused.

Yeah, yeah. And we often feel guilty
when we do that. Like, like, youknow, we don't deserve to take
five breaths in the car, we haveto get out and get those
groceries right away. So that's,that's a hard thing.

Yeah, absolutely. And that's actually
the third thing, right? So a lotof times when we feel guilty for
taking some extra time forourselves, even five minutes, I
mean, think about poorly, right?
That's a totally commonstatement that I hear too. And
also, when you think about that,logically, that's ridiculous. If
our kids said, if our partnersaid, I need, you know, I can't
take like five minutes to myselfto relax to be like that. Humans

(09:15):
cannot run without taking fiveminutes to relax, right? So we
don't need to be the supermoms.
But part of that, that strategyis about setting boundaries. And
one of the most importantboundaries to me and the hardest
for people I think to kind oftake on as moms and to hold is a

(09:37):
self-boundary. A self-boundarythat's healthy means you're not
taking the temperature of otherpeople more than you're taking
your own temperature. You're notthinking about other people's
needs, even more than you'rethinking of your own. So being
able to kind of put yourself onthat even playing field with
everybody else's needs to saylike, yes, my kids need to eat

(09:57):
but also if I don't eatsomething right now I'm going to
faint, or I'm going to be angry,or I'm going to blow up with
everybody you know,

Hangry Mama is not good.

Because it always comes out somewhere like,
that's the thing I'm alwaysreminding moms is that you can
deprive yourself forever andever and ever. And I totally
understand that. And there's somany things in society that make
it so that we're conditioned todo that, and that we're in that
place. But in the end, it'sgoing to come out somewhere,

(10:29):
it's going to come out in youbeing more angry, it's going to
come out in a migraine, it'sgoing to come out in depression
and anxiety, like, there's thatbook, you know, the body
remembers, it's like, the bodykeeps score, it gets stored
either emotionally orphysically. And then it usually
comes out unfortunately, likethe worst possible time, you

(10:50):
know, you break down and youcan't go to an important meeting
or can't go to your kidsperformance or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, I've had a few of those
moments, actually today. Rightnow. Yeah. So why do you think
we don't have to get too deepinto this? But I'm just curious,
why do you think that moms havethis problem? It seems like more
than dads.

Yeah. Okay.
So, a couple reasons. Yeah.
Number one, think about the factthat for generations, I mean,
like centuries eons that womenhave been carrying the load of
childcare, they have beensubservient to men, they haven't
been on the same playing field.
So we have so much tradition ofinequity for moms where we've

(11:35):
been taught, basically, I'm notsupposed to take up as much
space as anybody else. My job isto be a caregiver and a servant.
So that's number one. Number twois this idea that we're taught
to be pleasing as little girls,that like a good girls always
polite, that we followdirections, that we're always

(11:57):
kind of helping everybody elsethat we don't like, stick up too
much. And unfortunately, thatmeans that once we get into
relationships with men inparticular, it makes it hard for
us sometimes to stand our groundand to say, Listen, it deserves
to be equal. The next thing is,you know, women have not been in
the workplace that long in thesame capacity that they have

(12:19):
recently been in. So we're in atotally new era, where, you
know, women are in CEO positionsin the C suite, they're running
their businesses like I am, andjust like, one generation ago,
you know, my in laws, myparents, my dad wasn't changing
diapers in the same way that myhusband is, and or was, you
know, when my kids were little,and so just have to remember, I

(12:40):
think that these things taketime, and that they take
accountability. So thankgoodness, there's so much more
new information that's come outabout the mental load that women
are starting to say, like, hey,this isn't fair. I'm doing work
at work, and also at home. Butjust being aware of that, and
having our partner aware of itisn't going to solve the

(13:01):
problem. It has to be that we'reconstantly talking about it that
when we're with other couplesthat we're talking about, like,
Okay, how do you share things?
Oh, so takes the kids to school?
Oh, do you do that? You know, Imean, I think in my household,
honestly, we've invested incouples therapy, I mean, just to
try to kind of get at realitychecking, who's doing what, and

(13:24):
why and how it makes everybodyfeel when the woman is the one
in the household who's taking onevery single thing and feeling
resentful part to be like, in a,like couples like romantic
relationship, when you'refeeling kind of like you're
getting the really short end ofthe stick, you know,

Jennifer Weedon Pal (13:43):
Definitely, it's very hard to be romantic.
If you feel resentful.
Sometimes. I realized that itfeels like we're doing it all
sometimes. And it helps me tothink a little bit about the
things that actually my partneris doing that I don't even think
about. You know, like, I couldcare less whether the oil in the
car gets changed. And I knowthat's like, stereotypical, but

(14:05):
that's like his department. Andhe does that. And I have to
sometimes remind myself thatwhen I'm mad, because I'm the
one that always does the laundryor whatever, right? Yeah. So
kind of reminding myself tothat. It's, in a way I think
we're feeling a lot overloaded.
And it's sort of that all ornothing thinking of like, we

(14:26):
just make it so big, you know?

Yeah, totally. That's all so that's
the fourth strategy really justlike sharing the load with other
people. The other thing that Iwould say is, you know, your
partner is not the end all beall for every single thing. Yes,
you live in a household withyour partner. But if you have
kids, you know, and they're oldenough I mean even kids,
pediatrician hat on, even kidsas young as two, can do chores,
right? So getting your kids tohelp that really is great if you

(14:53):
have a neighbor that you canswap, you know, tasks with I'm
not trying to let men off thehook but I am saying Like, you
know, if you're in arelationship with a man, it
might not be that he's able tomeet all your needs, or that's
gonna happen overnight. So whatcan you do in the meantime, you
know, not everyone can hire likehired help, you know, to do

(15:14):
laundry or to do groceryshopping for you. But for
example, for me, sometimes as aCEO of a company, if I could
make hundreds of dollars in anhour, and I could pay someone
$15 to go get the groceries,that does make sense actually,
like financially for them to dothat in certain seasons. Now,
that hasn't always been thecase. And I want to be sensitive

(15:35):
to lots of different people outthere. There's been times where
I've eaten lunch at Costco,three, three meals a day, til I
get by, you know, so it's allgood. But if you're like, like
leaning into something careerwise, and you need extra help
from other people, I thinkthat's a big thing for women is
that we start to feel kind ofguilty. If we're paying someone

(15:55):
else to do like, quote, unquote,our job, where I really, if
there's like two working peoplein the household, make sense
that you might need that thirdperson to help you out with some
of the chores?

Yeah, I mean, it takes more than a
village it takes takes a lot ofpeople to care for a child. Dr.
Whitney is going to give away asigned copy of the book to
somebody who leaves a comment orask your question. So go ahead
and do that. We have a few moreminutes. Um, so my problem and

(16:28):
problem lots of people here, Ithink sometimes it's annoying.
What is enough? Like what isenough to do? Right? Yeah, how?
How do we get to the crux oflike, what are the things we
should be doing? And when we canbe like, Okay, I've got enough
on my plate. How do you do that?

Yeah, absolutely. Well, okay, so good
question. Question. Right? Myhusband yesterday, he goes, You
know, I think you need a hobby?
I don't think so, I have plentyof stuff that I do. I don't need
a hobby. But the way I figureout what I want to spend my time
my energy on, and that's how Icoach other women, you and in
the book, we talked about it,here's a little post, oh, here
we go postcard and how it looks,is to figure out what are the

(17:08):
top five things that are acombination of things that give
you a lot of energy that arekind of energy drivers versus
energy drainers. Last that meetyour values. And we walk through
in great detail exactly how tofigure this out. So it sounds
more complicated than it is. Butit's really not how to basically
just define what are the fiveareas that if someone said, Hey,

(17:31):
you have a week, you could dowhatever you want with this
time? Where would you spend yourtime, your energy, your focus.
And so I really help people todefine those things. First, I
call them the center points andyour center region. And that
outside of that is where youplace all this other junk that
has to get done, the dishesdon't live in the middle of my
centered vision, I don't careone thing about this they have

(17:54):
to get done, but I'm not gonnaspend all day making sure that
they're perfectly aligned in mycabinet. Right? I do care a ton
about contributing to otherwomen. So when there's a request
on my time to do that, forexample, right now, I'm almost
always going to say yes, becausethat's in full alignment with my
values and things that I love todo. And that makes me feel

(18:15):
really good. I'm almost alwaysgoing to say yes to really deep
connections with my kids. Thatdoesn't mean that I'm going to
spend every waking moment withthem. Because me spending 24/7
with them, it's not great. Imean, I'm gonna invest in those
moments that feel like we'rereading together. We're cuddling
on a couch. We're really like,I'm listening to them, those

(18:35):
times where we feel like, okay,they're asking for my attention
because they're having a problemwith a friend. So that's how I
help people to define kind oflike, what are the things that
you feel are really meaningfulin your life? How do we get more
of you to those things?

Yes, yes. And as trite as it sounds,
I like to think of the deathbed,on your deathbed. Are you going
to care that the dishes werealways done? Are you going to
care that you spent that qualitytime? Yeah, and, you know, we're
not here as experts. We'rehaving this conversation because
we're trying to figure it out,too. And Dr. Whitney is further

(19:11):
along in that than I am forsure. Um, but tell everybody
where they can find out moreabout you and your work and

Okay, so my website, it's called Modern
mommy doc. We have a weekly blogthat goes out. There's a weekly
podcast or bi weekly podcastthat goes out. So I have lots of
cool guests that come on there.
I have three books. One is aboutnewborns. One is about working
moms with the American Academyof Pediatrics, and then this new
book that's coming out Doing itALL. It's out on January 30.
It's available wherever booksare sold. If you go on my

(19:43):
website before January 30, theday that it comes out, you can
actually get a free one hourconsultation with me so to help
you feeling stuck, and you getfree access to our app, which
has over 100 hours of videolibrary content, audio visual
stuff that you put together onnavigating kids emotions,
getting a parenting partner onboard like a husband or you

(20:06):
know, partner if you have one,how to help in terms of getting
yourself all that self care thatyou really need. So lots of
bonuses right now they'rehappening just as the book is
about to come out. Well,

that's cool. I mean, for the hour
consultation alone, you ought toget the book

It's on audiobook and regular. So if
you're a busy person, and you'redriving or commuting, that's a
good way to do it too.

Right.
Definitely don't read and drive.

No.

Thank you so much for talking with me
and for sharing some of this.
Hopefully, you have given peoplea little bit of a glimmer into
how we can stop doing it all.
Let's feel okay about it. Andyou guys go get the book. It's a
really good book. You're gonnawant it. Thank you so much.

Thank you.
Take care.

Take care. Okay. Well now.

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