The Mother Load, Surviving Motherhood | Meredith Ethington | MomCave Live

Join Jen and Meredith Ethington, author of "The Mother Load," as they dive into the weight of the mental load and societal expectations that mothers carry. Discover how Meredith's journey as a recovering perfectionist made motherhood challenging and explore the unrealistic standards placed on mothers that can harm their mental health. They discuss the book's topics, including toxic positivity and the heavy burden of expectations. Don't miss the chance to win a signed copy of "The Mother Load" and get ready to embrace the imperfect beauty of motherhood. 

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Jen and Meredith discuss "The Mother Load".

Jen:  Welcome to Momcave Live, where we may have lost our minds, but we haven't lost our sense of humor. And my guest tonight doesn't feel like night yet. It's still light out, and my guest is Meredith Ethington. You may know Meredith as "Perfection Pending." And she has a new book out called "The Mother Load." And we're talking load, not Yeah.

Get your copy here -> https://amzn.to/3M72V7i ( affiliate link)

Meredith Ethington:  Correct.

Jen:  Yeah. What's the book about Meredith?

Meredith Ethington:  So it's about what you would expect it would be about with the title. I mean, cover everything from the heaviness of the mental load that all moms carry to mental illness. I talk about toxic positivity in there and how that's harmful to us as moms. 

Jen:  That's awesome. Okay, so we're gonna give away a copy. Yeah. So we'll give it away to somebody who comments. And we'll also; I'll put up the link for the book, and the first five people that order Meredith is going to sign one.

Meredith Ethington: I'm gonna send a signed bookplate, which is nice. You can stick it in your book. 

Jen:  An autograph, man. Yeah, yeah. Awesome. So um, well, first of all, we, you know, you've talked before, let's see, I'm a mess.

Meredith Ethington:  Don't worry, 

There is no such thing as perfection in parenting.

Jen:  Clearly, I was a mess before becoming a mother, but becoming a mother just......


And my guest tonight, doesn'tfeel like night yet. It's still
light out, my guest is MeredithEthington, you may know Meredith
as "Perfection Pending." And shehas a new book out called "The

(00:32):
Mother Load." And we're talkingl o ad not Yeah.

Meredith Ethington (00:38):
Correct.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (00:39):
Yeah.
What's the book about Meredith?

Meredith Ethington (00:42):
So it's about what you would expect it
would be about with the title. Imean, cover everything from the
heaviness of the mental loadthat all moms carry to mental
illness, I talk about toxicpositivity in there, and how
that's harmful to us as moms.
And also just all theexpectations that society puts

(01:04):
on us as moms and how harmfulthat can be so kind of, it's
kind of divided up into thosefour sections, where I kind of
tackle it all.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (01:14):
That's awesome. Okay, so we're gonna
give away a copy. Yeah. So we'llgive it away to somebody who
comments. And we'll also, I'llput up the link for the book and
the first five people that orderMeredith is going to sign one.

Meredith Ethington (01:30):
I'm gonna send a signed book plate, which
is nice. You can stick it inyour book.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (01:35):
An autograph, man. Yeah, yeah.
Awesome. So um, well, first ofall, we, you know, you've talked
before, let's see, I'm a mess.

Meredith Ethington (01:46):
Don't worry,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (01:47):
Clearly I was a mess before becoming a
mother, but becoming a motherjust intensifies all of the
mess. And yeah, I have alwaysloved your your blog. I guess it
started out as your blog name.

Meredith Ethington (02:01):
Yeah. Yeah, actually. Yeah. Yeah. So I, I
think I gave it that namebecause I am a recovering
perfectionist. I have alwayskind of had that type A
personality. You know, tryingHigh Achiever kind of kid
growing up, wanting to doeverything, just right, obey all

(02:23):
the rules, I was kind of that,that kid. And that did really
well in some areas of my life,you know, with going to college
and moving out of my house andbeing independent. But where it
kind of started to rear its uglyhead was when I became a mom.

(02:44):
And I became a parent realizingthat there is no such thing as
perfection, in parenting, orreally, in anything that we try
to do as human beings, becausewe're flawed and imperfect. But
specifically in parenting, itwas like just putting a
spotlight on that idea thatlike, I can't do this. Right.

(03:04):
Like, at least I can't do itperfectly. I shouldn't say can't
do this, because I was doing it.
Doing it. You're doing it rightnow. And 16 years later, I'm
still doing it. Right. Wow.
Yeah, my oldest actually, she'llbe 17 next month. So I've been
doing it a long time now.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (03:20):
Yeah, yeah. Um, I think that a lot of
us have that sort of likegrowing up wanting to please and
be a good girl and not get intotrouble get straight A's do all
the things. And that like it? Itlooks good from the outside.
Right. But that is a lot ofpressure to feel on the inside.

Meredith Ethington (03:39):
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it is
stressful. And when you add inlike, trying, you know, your
focus totally goes towardstrying to do everything right
for your kids. Like, I think theintention is good. Like, we want
to be the best parents we can bebecause we don't want to screw
up our kids, right. But I thinkit can be damaging to our mental

(04:02):
health if we're not careful.
Because what happens is, we putso much focus on them, we forget
to even think about ourselvesand what we might need.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (04:11):
And in them, like, when before we had
kids, we could study and wecould follow like, here are the
rules. Here are the steps.
Here's the book, here's what youdo. And we try that as moms and
even if you read every parentingbook, first of all, you go
insane because they all saydifferent things. But no book is
about your kid. And you likenothing is individualized enough

(04:33):
to tell you what to do all thetime.

Meredith Ethington (04:38):
Exactly. And you can make yourself crazy
reading all the books. I mean,with my first kid I was totally,
you know, one that wanted toread like what to expect so I
knew exactly what was gonnahappen every week in pregnancy
and I want to do things likejust right but like, like you
said, there's nothing that'sgoing to tell you every single
scenario that is is going tohappen in your life as a parent.

(05:02):
You know, I've had commenters onmy Instagram page say to me,
Well, why are you complaining?
You knew what you were gettinginto when you had kids. And I
hate that because no one knowswhat they're getting into,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (05:14):
you dont know!

Meredith Ethington (05:15):
Because even even someone that maybe grew up
with 12 younger siblings and sawtheir mom do it, when they
become a parent, it's gonna be atotally different experience
than what their parent wentthrough. Even if you babysat at
10. Come on, that's notexperience.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (05:31):
You get to go home and give them back
and people give you money. Sothat is totally different

Meredith Ethington (05:36):
Even if you're a dog, mom, that is not
preparing you for parenting. Ima dog Mom, I love my dog. She is
my fourth child. Put her in acage if I need to.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (05:49):
I wish that was okay, sometimes.

Meredith Ethington (05:50):
Right? I can't do that with my human
children. Right. So yeah, Imean, we got we've got to be
careful about what voices we'relistening to what experts we are
reading and books, becauseultimately, we are the best
judge of what we need to do asparents and the best kind of
parents we're going to be or forour kids, because we know them

(06:12):
best.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (06:13):
Yeah, yeah, we're the ones that know
them best. If you're justjoining us. This is Meredith
Ethington, who has written a newbook called "The Mother Load,"
and she's giving away a copy tosomebody who comments.

Meredith Ethington (06:25):
Right? So tell us where you are!

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (06:27):
Yes, tell us where you are, and

Meredith Ethington (06:29):
I have a copy, but it's out of reach in
the whole setup all over. So I'mnot gonna grab it?

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (06:34):
Well, I think I just sent it to the
comments, but we'll see. It'slinked in the description on
Facebook, we're on all theplaces, so you know, yeah, on
every platform, we can do that.
That's awesome. Okay, so we knowthe problem, right? We know the
problem that we try to beperfect, and that we're
overloaded. Bla bla, bla, bla,bla, bla,

Meredith Ethington (06:57):
We've heard this story,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (06:59):
We've heard the story. Help! What can
we do? What can we do?

Meredith Ethington (07:03):
So I talked a lot about self care in my
book, which is funny to me,because when I first became a
mom, I had like zero self care.
And it took me a long time torealize that it actually was
really, really important. And,you know, I think we kind of as
moms, we kind of roll our eyesat self care, because we're
like, oh, that's one more thingI have to do. And I'm already
it's expensive, right? And Ireally encourage moms to try to

(07:29):
figure out what, what their selfcare really is, and not to
shortchange themselves. A lot oftimes we want to say like,
taking a shower is my self care.
I'm like, no, no, that's thebasic. Yeah, that's like basic
hygiene, basic human right, comeon, like, you should be able to
take a shower, whenever you wantto take a shower. Well, maybe

(07:52):
whenever you want, if you've gota newborn or something. But that
should be your right as a humanbeing to have a hot shower and
to sit down and eat a meal for aminute. And so often, we kind of
try to count those things asself care when in reality
they're not. So we've got tofind something that refuels us
and rejuvenates us and makes usfeel alive. I think because we

(08:16):
were humans before we becamemoms. And after our kids leave
the nest, we are going to sitthere and be like, who was I? At
least that would have been myexperience a few years ago,
because I wasn't prioritizinganything that I cared about,
whatsoever. Instead, I was justkind of floating along and

(08:40):
hoping one day I would figure itout.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (08:43):
We know you have writing. So that's
something that you do. Whatother kinds of things do you do?

Meredith Ethington (08:49):
Well, I'm currently in school right now
getting my master's degrees. Sothat is a brand new thing that I
got my undergrad degree inpsychology. So I've always been
interested in mental health. Andthat my original plan back in my
20s was to go to grad school.
And I didn't do it because I putmy husband through grad school
and I had kids and I kind ofjust thought, oh, maybe that's

(09:12):
not that important. But it thepast couple years, especially
with the pandemic, it has beenlike, eating away at me like you
need to go back to school andyou need to do this thing. And I
told myself no for a long time.
Because I thought, oh, you know,I made all the excuses. It's too
much money. It's too much timeand what how are my kids can

(09:33):
survive if I suddenly startworking outside of the home. So
writing was this great thing forme because it was flexible and
can do it at home. And it madeyou know some money. But really
what I'm passionate about ishelping mothers understand how
important it is to take care oftheir mental health. And that's
kind of how this book was born.
I wrote it during the pandemic.

(09:57):
I wrote it during a really darktime. For everyone, everyone,
for sure, you know, likeeverybody, somebody was crying
in my house every day it wasusually me. It was very
stressful in the beginning ofthe pandemic. And I had written
about mental health a long time,you know, I had been writing
about about it for years. But Irealized that that's what

(10:20):
really, moms really resonatedwith were all my posts that
shared kind of like the darkersides of how we sometimes feel
parenting and shedding light onthat and giving hope that it can
get better. And so that's wherethe mother load kind of came
about is I wrote it during thisdark time its kind of dark in
its first version. It morphedinto something beautiful and

(10:45):
hopeful, which is that we canall make mental health a
priority even busy moms. It ispossible it's very good time to
be talking about this becauseMay is Mental Health Awareness
month so,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (10:57):
Is it?
I did not know I was not awareenough, apparently.

Meredith Ethington (11:01):
Well, now, you know!

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (11:02):
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(11:26):
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(11:49):
kids go to bed.
There's the part of it thoughthat's like, also, there's
sometimes some times you feelkind of shameful to be the one
that says oh, you know, I have agreat life. I have these healthy
kids and my husband and I livein a house and you know, we have
food to eat. And so why am Ifeeling like this? And how

(12:11):
embarrassing to admit to othersthat I you know, that I do?
Like, do you struggle with that?

Meredith Ethington (12:19):
Oh, absolutely. I mean, I think if
we look at the world as a whole,we can go okay, like, my worries
are not that important. Mysuffering is nothing compared to
the suffering of someone else.
However, my argument againstthat is, this is not the
suffering Olympics. That's not,that's not what humanity is

(12:39):
about. And I talk a lot aboutempathy in my book and how
important it is to just show upfor people no matter what their
circumstances are, and beempathetic, and you know, show
them that you can sit with themin that dark time. And they're
okay to feel that way. And, youknow, maybe all you can do is

(13:02):
just sit with them. And maybeyou can't do anything more than
that. But we all have problems.
We all have struggles. And forme, you know, I have been shamed
about talking about some of thisstuff. And it doesn't feel good
when that happens. Although Iwill say I've been writing long
enough that I've built up apretty thick skin. So it doesn't

(13:25):
mean it doesn't get under myskin like it used to. However, I
mean, I do recognize that I haveprivileges that other people
don't have. I have materialthings that other people don't
have. I have a lot of goodthings going for me that even
wealthy rich, privileged peopleget depressed.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (13:47):
Have you seen What the White Lotus?

Meredith Ethington (13:49):
Yeah, no, I have not.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (13:52):
I'm just starting. But this is the
whole thing that keeps saying,You know what? They're really
wealthy. And they're really sad.

Meredith Ethington (13:59):
Yeah, yeah.
And I mean, we could go downthat whole path too, for sure.
Like, you know, think of all thefamous people that have, you
know, died by suicide becausethey were so depressed, and
silencing it and not speakingabout it. And so for me over the
years, speaking about it hasgiven me the freedom to kind of

(14:20):
let it go. Yeah. And now that'snot for everybody. I mean, I
know that we can't all you know,not all of us feel comfortable.
Speaking about our mentalillness on social media, like
it's a vulnerable thing. But wecan speak about it to people
that are close to us, we canshare with a friend share with
our partner, we can talk tosomeone and say, Look, I'm not

(14:42):
feeling like myself. What areyou seeing from the outside, we
can get therapy, you know, thereare so many ways that we can
reach out to our network andspeak about things that we're
struggling with. And yeah, therewill be people out there that
will shame us and they there'llbe people, they'll be like,
they'll do the whole silverlining thing. Well, at least x,

(15:03):
y or z, right. And I hate that.
Because really what most peopleneed is connection, and they
need to be heard. That's reallyit boils down to kind of those
two things. I'm a big fan ofBrenee Brown, so I'm stealing
that idea from her. But I mean,I mean, it's true. Like when you

(15:25):
think about it, when you feelheard, whether it's by your
partner or a friend or whatever,you feel so much better
afterwards. And so being able totalk about these hard things,
and the things we struggle with,and parenting is a way for us to
kind of like, just let it go andfeel validated and feel like

(15:45):
somebody understands us, feelless alone.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (15:47):
Yeah, yeah, I think the the, the women
I've become most close with arethe women where we've just said,
Okay, I'm a mess today, or Yeah,I can't. I'm sorry. I said, I
was gonna bring the paper platesto the class party, and I
couldn't even get that together.
Yeah, I feel stupid. And thenthey're all everyone's like,
it's fine. Let's ya know...

Meredith Ethington (16:06):
Yeah.
Because people, I think mostpeople are going to come from a
place of non judgment andembrace you because they have
flaws and imperfections. And ifthey don't, they're not your
people.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (16:18):
No, no, definitely not.
Exactly. So if anyone has aquestion for Meredith, leave it
in the comments, and someone'sgoing to win a copy of the book.
I'm trying to think, Okay, I'mgonna ask you some silly
questions. Okay, real quick.
What is the one item every momshould carry in her purse? Oh.

Meredith Ethington (16:44):
The first thing that came to my head was
hand sanitizer.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (16:48):
Yeah, it's pretty germy out there.

Meredith Ethington (16:52):
I am a germaphobe. I was a germaphobe
before COVID. So that's just me.
But I would say some sort oflike hand sanitizer or wipe.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (17:02):
Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Meredith Ethington (17:05):
Even big kids need wipes

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (17:06):
So my son, My son's almost 13. And he
had they had their first schooldance last Friday. But they also
had a baseball game directlybefore the dance. And I made
sure to bring the wipes. Yeah,the the all the 13 year olds
were very appreciative that eventhough they weren't babies. We
had wipes because they were

Meredith Ethington (17:26):
Yeah because you get sticky hands no matter
how old you are!

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (17:29):
They're good for so many things! So many
things. Um, do you have afavorite book that other than
your own? Of course.

Meredith Ethington (17:38):
No, I wouldn't call my own my favorite
anyway. Although you should allbuy it.

Jennifer Weedon Pala (17:43):
Definitely go on to Amazon.

Meredith Ethington (17:46):
Gosh a favorite book. That's hard for
me because I love books and Ilove to read. And yet I don't
read very often because I rightnow, here's my my current page
turner that I'm reading.

Jennifer Weedon Pala (18:03):
Definitely going to keep me away.

Meredith Ethington (18:05):
This and counseling theories. Those are
the books I'm reading right now.
I love memoirs. memoirs arereally great.
Oh, well, I mean, I love"Educated," "The Glass Castle,"
books like that. Or I just readone called "Loose Cannons."
That's a new one that probably alot of people haven't heard

(18:28):
about. That's really good. Butprobably my favorite book if I
had to pick one, I would say andit's kind of an obscure one that
maybe a lot of people don't knowabout is "I Know this Much is
True" by Wally Lamb.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (18:41):
Yes. I love that book. It's so long ago
that I don't really remembermuch of what it was about. But I
remember loving it.

Meredith Ethington (18:49):
It's also about mental health, oddly
enough. So it's about twobrothers, two twin brothers
where one is schizophrenic andone is not. And kind of this one
brother's journey towards likeunderstanding his family
dynamics and stuff. It's a bighuge book. Don't be intimidated
by it. Oh, so good. So that'sprobably one of my favorites.

(19:11):
And one that I've read multipletimes. Yeah.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (19:13):
Oh, wow. Multiple times. It's no, I
have started to read thingsmultiple times. And realize, as
I'm like, halfway through thefirst chapter, I've read this
book before.

Meredith Ethington (19:22):
And so you just ditch it? Oh, that's how I
can read more. I'm the same wayas movies. I'm like, Have I seen
this before? I can't rememberand then I'll watch it. I'm like
I have but then I forget. Idon't know what's gonna happen.
Yeah, so I'll just watch itagain. So that's our brains are
too full.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (19:38):
Right.
So we have this load. Let me letme bring it back on the screen.
The mother load as we're talkingabout, which is Meredith's to
this new book, which you canfind on Amazon. Um, yeah, it's
about all of these things. And Ijust want to encourage everybody
to read it. And to you know, ifyou don't have moms in your life
that you can be um, real withlike we are right here, then

(20:00):
there's something to be said foran online network of friends.
You can make friends with peoplethat are far away that you've
never even met, developfriendships, you know, things
you have in common. We've bothdone it. And

Meredith Ethington (20:18):
I say sometimes, like, my best friends
live on the internet, but theydon't. They're real people. And
I've met them and yeah, and Ispend time with them. And it's
been just like this beautifulfriendship and it takes effort
and takes travel sometimes. Andthat's not easy for everyone.
But I do I would encourage and Italked about this in my book,
too, like finding your peoplefinding that network of that can

(20:42):
be your kind of whether it'sjust somebody to vent to, or
someone that you, that can watchyour kids and you can swap, you
know, childcare with. That's thedream, right? Lovely. Yeah. But
um, yeah, just finding peoplethat understand you and get you
it's so much easier now with theinternet like you really can. So

(21:05):
you're in your little house orwherever feeling alone and sad
and like you don't have a friendthat I trust. Trust me, there's
someone else that feels that waytoo. And there's someone out
there that you can be friendswith.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (21:18):
Totally and that's what I wanted Momcave
to be all about when I firststarted it. Yeah. And so we're
all here for each other. I hopethat you all will go and get
this book because it's awesomeand it will make you feel better
about like even if you just readit like 30 seconds at a time on
the toilet because

Meredith Ethington (21:34):
Yeah, it's actually broken up in a way that
makes it really digestible thatway.

Jennifer Weedon Pala (21:39):
Digestable No pun intended. Yes. It's good
toilet reading.

Meredith Ethington (21:44):
I missed that!

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo (21:45):
See great. Love that. Yeah, so check
it out everybody and oh, theregoes the earbud again. Thank you
so much. Yeah, get Meredithsbook and check her out.
Thanks for having me,Of course. Great talking with
you.