January 2, 2024 • 40 mins
Do you wonder why you’re attracted to certain people and seem less compatible with others?
Any 2 healthy, well-developed people can have a successful relationship. Understanding yours and your partner’s similarities and differences can help with communication - especially in romantic relationships.
In their book “Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type,” Barbara Barron and Paul D. Tieger say they’ve found that many personality types are more satisfied when they’re paired with similar partners.
Any 2 healthy, well-developed people can have a successful relationship. Understanding yours and your partner’s similarities and differences can help with communication - especially in romantic relationships.
In their book “Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type,” Barbara Barron and Paul D. Tieger say they’ve found that many personality types are more satisfied when they’re paired with similar partners.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, everyone. Today's episode is the topic I have been
waiting to discuss for a long time, relationships. Most everyone
who learns about the Myers Briggs wants to learn about
how it applies to relationships. Do opposites attract or do
birds of a feather flock together? Mark and I are
(00:22):
going to delve into this topic, specifically romantic relationships, which
is always a fun topic to discuss. And folks, this
is our final episode of this first season of the
New Meyers Briggs Question Corner, So if you haven't yet,
please please give us a like, a comment, a share,
(00:44):
and that way we know we're bringing you great content
and we can keep going for another season. And if
you've already been tuning in, big thanks to you. We
truly appreciate your support. Now let's talk about relationships. Welcome
(01:17):
to the New Myers Briggs Question Corner.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
I'm Edith Richards and I'm Mark Mappy and.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
We're here to answer your questions about all things personality
and all things Myers Briggs.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
From college to careers to relationships. Personality is the key
to finding the right fit. Welcome everyone, really looking forward
(01:53):
to today's episode MBTI and romantic relationships can understanding of
MBTI types help us in the romantic relationship process, attraction, dating, romance,
and long term relationships. If we have an understanding of
our MBTI and how it might have an impact on others,
(02:15):
would that help us and how we relate with others?
These are some of the things that we're going to
discuss in this episode. So with that question, would our
understanding of MBTI would that have a significant impact on
how we relate with others in it?
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Yeah? So, Mark, that's a really loaded question, but it's
fun and useful to discuss this question. So let's see.
Actually brought up a bunch of different questions there, so
let me see if I can break it down. So, first,
does having an understanding of our MBTI type preferences and
(02:53):
how we might impact others? Does that help us in
relating to each other? And second, how can this understanding
help us in attracting the right partner? And I'm going
to add this part too, can understanding our type preferences
help in sustaining a relationship? Did I get that right?
(03:15):
How was that?
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Mark?
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Absolutely, That's exactly what I wanted to talk about.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Okay, great, So let me dive right into this. Then,
so first regarding how the MBTI can help us relate
to each other, So let's start with that one. So first,
the Meersbriggs Assessment isn't a tool that was designed specifically
to use with relationships, romantic or otherwise. There is no
(03:44):
psychometric out there that can accurately predict relationship success, so
let me just get that part out there. Personality is
such a complex topic, and as much as some people
might want to argue with me on this, personality isn't
quantifiable or diagnosable. But the Myers Briggs can be a
(04:06):
powerful tool to help in understanding each other and it
can help challenges in relationships if it's used correctly. So
let me take a brief step back here. I get
a lot of questions about this, and people who are
new to the Myers Briggs often want to learn what
the types of their friends and family members and significant
(04:28):
others are and which types they'll be most compatible with.
So it's really easy to fall into this path of
what we call typecasting. I know we've mentioned this in
previous podcasts, and really what that means is assigning certain
characteristics to a person or assuming that they like or
don't like certain things. Solely on the basis of their
(04:50):
four letter Myers Briggs type. So let's me stress this,
just because you have a certain personality type doesn't necessarily
mean that you're going to enjoy the same things as
someone else with your same personality type. There are a
lot of other factors that go into compatibility, so there
will be similarities, especially in how you approach life and
(05:14):
people you may be naturally comfortable with and things like that.
But it's important to remember that each of us, aside
from a Meers Briggs type, is still an individual with
unique traits and a unique path in life. So quick example, here,
I've talked about my own type quite a bit on
this podcast. I'm an NFP type, and just the other
(05:36):
day I was chatting with another NFP friend of mine,
and I was actually struck by how different we really are.
We've taken different career paths, for example, but we both
enjoy motivating others in brainstorming, which are hallmarks of our type.
Yet we both have completely different tastes in music and
(05:57):
movies and books, And then there's our taste in men
that's completely different. But aside from these things, we have
very similar outlooks on life. At least I feel this way,
and we have different packs, but we're both clearly e NFPs.
So I say this to say that we should be
(06:17):
careful of not forgetting that we're still individuals aside from
a personality type. And there's way more to how the
Meyers Briggs is measured. Essentially, it's a system of measuring
binary distribution of four dichotomies of personality traits, and when
we're talking about things like relationships, there's really no way
(06:40):
to quantify or measure them in a scientific accurate sense.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
These are all great points if I think it's something
very important for us to understand. So we don't use
the Myers Briggs for something that it wasn't intended to
be used for a lot of times we talked about
type casting, right, we don't want to use that in
order to do that. But I definitely love some of
the things that you talked about. When it comes to
relating with somebody, there's more that goes into it than
(07:09):
just personality types. There's tons of things and tons of
other factors that go into what makes you compatible, what
makes you get along with individuals. But I do think
I do love what you said here. The Meyer's break
can be a powerful tool though, in understanding each other,
and I hope that this can be a theme that
we mentioned throughout this episode, is using the Meyers breaks
(07:32):
as a way to understand each other so that way
we can better relate with each other. And I think
that's kind of what we want. You use, don't use
the Meyers breaks, the type cast, use the buyer's brigs
to increase our understanding so that way we can use
our relationship skills to better relate with each other.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Yeah, yeah, good point. Good point that you made there.
And in terms of this understanding of how personality type
can help us in terms of because we're talking about
romantic relationships here right, in terms of attraction, dating, romance,
and long term relationships. So let me just say that
this is my opinion. I tend to believe that the
(08:13):
more similar we are in terms of personality, the easier
it is to connect with somebody. But I also admit
that this isn't always true. Right, Chemistry and compatibility goes
way beyond personality type to your earlier point, mark, and
it goes beyond anything that the Meyers breaks measures. But
(08:36):
when I meet another NFP type more often than not.
I can very easily make a connection with that person
because of the similar traits that we share, and I
just almost always walk away feeling like I've met one
of my people, like a member of my tribe, and
that feels really good because the other person just gets you. Now,
(08:59):
does that always translate into chemistry in terms of a
romantic relationship, No, not really or not always so. Just
speaking for myself, I tend to be romantically attracted to
people who are very different from me. Opposites attract, right,
(09:19):
But on the other hand, I often make connections with
other people of very opposite types who sometimes feel like
they belong in my tribe. And speaking of that, one
thing I do like to point out in these types
of conversations is that one of the greatest growth opportunities
that we have is with someone else with a different
(09:43):
personality type. So what I'm trying to say here is
that there are there's so many nuances when it comes
to talking about relationships. There's not really any black or white.
So the other thing I want to point out is
that I firmly believe that any too healthy, well developed
individuals of any Meyers Briggs type can have a successful
(10:06):
relationship interesting.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
So what you're saying is that two people of the
same type may be compatible, but maybe not. There's really
no certain way to tell, right, But I like what
you said about opposites attracting, and from an MBTI perspective,
we may be able to into it what relationship challenges
they experience and where they might find joy in each other.
(10:32):
And one of the things that I've always said a
lot of times on this podcast is that opposites kind
of complete each other just because we bring different things
that are needed in a relationship or a partnership or teamwork.
It brings different things together that allows you to complete
certain tasks.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Yeah, yeah, for sure. So if you don't mind, may
I take your type for example?
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Mark? Sure, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Okay, So you're an INFP type. You've shared that with
our audience before. So let's take a look at your opposite,
which is an EESTJ type. We can to your point
into it what a relationship between these two might look like.
So I'll first say that there may be some natural
(11:18):
chemistry here because of the whole opposites attract thing and
what we were talking about, an ESTJ type might be
drawn to your natural warmth Mark, and you may be
drawn to an estj's tendency to plan and organize, especially
with social events that the two of you can attend together.
(11:41):
So these two types can compliment each other. And when
we're attracted to someone who's our opposite, it's often because
of these differences, and we can see things in that
person that we don't see in ourselves. I think some
other good things about IFP and ESTJ pairing is that
estj's tend to be very stable people. They tend to
(12:03):
be loyal and dependable, and this can complement your calm demeanor, Mark,
and your kindness, your ability to look at the big
picture and think about the future, and of course your creativity.
These are all things that are not natural strengths of
an ESTJ type. And another thought I have here is
(12:24):
that an ESTJ partner can probably help you come out
of your shell a bit more than you might otherwise.
They can help you to be more outspoken on things
that you're passionate about. So those are a few things
that come to mind here about opposites, attract and compatibility.
So now let's talk about some of the challenges here
(12:46):
with this type pairing. I can see a couple of
areas of frustration here, and one would be lifestyle orientation,
making plans, and coming to closure. And the other thing
that I'm thinking is different communication needs. So for the first,
(13:07):
ESTJ types tend to see the world in black and white.
They tend to want tangible, not theoretical results. So they're
going to focus on the immediate problem at hand, and
they're going to try to fix it, and they're going
to dole out a list of responsibilities for who is
going to do what. They are going to get frustrated
(13:29):
if something comes up that disrupts their schedule because at
the end of the day, ESTJs are ruled by clocks
and calendars, so they may expect, for example, for all
the household chores to be complete before they can relax.
So they may expect all the household chores to be
(13:49):
complete before they can relax. And this may stress you out,
Mark because as an INFP, you may prefer to work
in bursts and spurts when your inspiration moves you to
do so you don't necessarily have a plan with a list,
and that can frustrate an EESTJ. And then there's the
(14:10):
communication needs. So ESTJs tend to be rigid and they
expect the rest of the world to be just like them.
They want to decide things, they want to check a box.
But as an INFP mark you're on this perpetual path
of self discovery, and if you're deciding things too quickly,
(14:32):
that can be very stressful. INFPs also have a very
strong need for an emotional connection, and comments from an
estj means to be helpful or encouraging, they may come
out and sound like criticism to an INFP. So these
are some of the challenging areas that I can think
(14:54):
of for this pairing. But again, I want to stress
there's a lot more that goes into a successful relationship
than our Meyers Briggs types.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Wow, I gotta admit it. That was very powerful just
as I'm going through it, And boy, I wish that
everybody can kind of go through this whole process. When
you talked about the challenges stressing me out, yes, Like,
like you should have seen my face right, it was
punched up. I was feeling highly stressed out just thinking
(15:23):
about how these different things would work out in my
real life. And I do have friends not in a
romantic relationship with somebody who's an I ISTJ. But we
work very closely together, and I do understand some of
those issues. I do understand some of the challenges that
I have to have. And it's actually the Meyers break
understanding that allows me to understand that we're going to
(15:45):
have this conversation, that we're going to have the can
I be honest with you? Conversation? And I know that
when somebody says can I be honest with you, they're
not going to say can I be honest with you?
I have great things to say, right, normally, can I
be honest with you? You got to change, you got.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
To Yeah, I mean saying that, like can I be
honest with you? That that can talk about stressing somebody out.
Those very words can that are likely to stress anybody.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Out, right, But it's the understanding that I know that
that person needs to be right, and so that's the
reason why it is and so I can take a
deep breath and be prepared for that. Right. But also
what you mentioned about the idea is how these things
can help us, right, You're right, when we're in social
situations and the person's being extroverted and talking all the
(16:33):
time and doing all the chit chat and starting all
those conversations. It allows me to warm up my chit chat, right,
and I can come in slowly, and then eventually I
look like him, Right, I look like him as an extrovert,
right because I finally found a topic that I would
like to talk about with that individual, and so now
I focus on that topic as an introvert. Right. So
(16:54):
as we talk a little bit about the introvert stuff,
and like how introverts might be different than extroverts. What
about introverts or with introverts? Are they just sitting around
and just talking about things to get all the way
down to the bottom. Are they just inside just in
their house, just talking, Oh, watch movies? Like what are
(17:15):
they doing?
Speaker 1 (17:16):
Yeah? Yeah, So that's an interesting question because at face value,
it might be like we like, we might expect that, right,
we might think that two introverts can just blissfully live
on their own in their own little cozy cottage and
never have to interact with the rest of the world.
But the reality is a different story. Right. I think
(17:38):
two introverts together, they might be great listeners. They're gonna
likely demonstrate a lot of patience and respect for each
other's needs for privacy and quiet and on the downside,
they may lose touch with the outside.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
World if they're not forced to interact with it, right, yeah,
you know, And on the other hand, they may end
up lacking us their self awareness because everything gets filtered
into how they see things.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
So, you know, like everything else in life, there's pros and.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Cons absolutely, they got it goes into like understanding that relationships,
there's so many other factors that are involved with that.
And even just within the MBTI personality traits, right, we're
just looking at one preference introvert versus extrovert and introverts together.
But we can see how if you just change the
(18:34):
next letter an intuitive right and a sensor, how that
conversation might be different. Where we might be discussing stuff.
And my conversation is very theoretical, is very you know,
possibility based and that sort of stuff, very theoretical, and
they want more practical, pragmatic sort of conversation, more detail
(18:55):
oriented situations. So although we're together, really really you know,
having good conversation, sometimes we could be talking past each
other just on the next preference, right, So we're talking
about not even just other factors might influence relationships outside
of personality but even within the personality that might be
(19:16):
the case. And that's why this needs to be used
for understanding not well because it if said this, this
is exactly what's going to happen.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
No, it's understanding base yeah, yeah, yeah, and definitely bringing
in the other dichotomies into it. I mean it takes
on a whole other level. And you mentioned sensing and intuitive.
I mean with this pairing, you can have a sensor
and an intuitive type looking at the same object and
describing it in very different ways. So you think about
(19:47):
how that translates into successful communication. It's definitely going to
require some patience and understanding.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
There great point, you know, as we're having this conversation,
it is I've really been thinking of you know, I
think one of the most important things in a successful relationship,
whether they be romantic or platonic, is understanding. I don't
know if you've ever read the book, but Franklin Covey
in his book Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, he said,
(20:16):
seek to understand before being understood. Now, he was using
this like number five habit to demonstrate the importance of listening, observing,
and using empathic conversation to better understand someone. Or like
a different situation. Right, But before trying to prove your
own point, okay, you need to be able to understand
(20:37):
that individual. And I think that that's so powerful, right.
I really feel like it's a way to improve our
socially emotional knowledge and skills, which will then help us
build relationships. But I think this habit is powerful when
it comes to having successful relationships, not just to build
you know, these empathic skills and listening skills and that
(20:58):
sort of stuff, but I think it's really a core
ingredient in having a successful relationship. We need to seek
to understand people and who they are so that way
we can better take care of one another. Right. So, Edith,
what are your thoughts on understanding like being a core
ingredient to our romantic relationships?
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Yeah, you know, Mark, that's a really good point because
regardless of our Meyers Briggs types, there is one thing
that we all need in our relationships, and that's to
be understood. But we all have different needs in a relationship, right.
So okay, so quick example, So my significant other is
(21:38):
a very clear introvert, and I'll say I'm a moderate extrovert,
so he my significant other is perfectly happy to stay
at home for days upon days watching TV or doing
whatever it is that he does. And for me, it's
just not going to work all the time. I need
to go out and I need to interact with at
(21:59):
least one other person, or preferably a few people, at
least once a weekend. And pretty early on he figured
that out and he told me, he said, I know
that I can't be everything for you. You have some
needs that I just can't fulfill. So there are times
when I just do my thing and he just does
(22:22):
his thing, and there's nothing wrong with that. But I
think the key is to approach these conversations with curiosity
other than judgment. I mean, it's easy for me to
say that it's unhealthy for a grown man to be
spending so much time in his man cave, but that's
my own filter and it's based on my own needs.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
Yeah, it just I really think it comes down to understanding, right,
And we know there's a bunch of things that goes
into love, right, Like when we say I love you
and you're the person that I love and you're the
person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
We know there's more to that than just personality base.
But I do feel like when we get to that
level of love, the fun journey is the understanding of
(23:06):
one another. Is they're really getting a chance to really
understand who that person is, what they need and maybe
what they don't need from me, right, and to understand
that they're different than me. And I'm willing to either
give them what they need or maybe not do that,
or even understand that that person is probably not going
to give that to me, like you spoke about in
your example, so I need to seek it out in
(23:28):
other ways, Like it's the journey of life where we're
always essentially enjoying life. And I love that idea that
relationships should be taking us on like a journey through life,
And it's really coming through an idea of understanding and
helping a lot of times when I talk about relationships,
I talk about climbing a mountain. Right, climbing mount effort.
(23:50):
There's a certain amount of understanding you need to have
in order to scale that mountain. You can't just wow,
I mean that person's not doing it the way I
want to do it. So I'm just not going to like,
we're not going to do that, No, Like we have
to do things together, and we have to understand each
other's strengths, their weaknesses, what they need and what they
don't need in order to successively climb and scale the mountain. Right,
(24:13):
So I just think about because of course I'm an
intuitive and I want to imagine a certain world, But
imagine a world where our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our husbands, wives,
lovers meet us with understanding and not with judgment. Like,
not this whole idea of needing to be right all
the time and proving a point and wanting to be understood,
(24:35):
but seek to understand where we're coming from and what
we're trying to accomplish. I think that would provide us
with such great safety in our relationships, which would then
allow us to grow and to journey in our path
towards self actualization.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Yeah, you know, when you say it like that, it
sounds so easy, but especially like when we're in the
heat of the moment, it's really not. And then we're
all prone to our own biases because we're human. But
it's my hope just by us talking about this, that
people can start to develop more of an awareness around
(25:13):
these topics and they can use that understanding to build
better relationships with each other.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
Yeah, I totally agree. You know, in the last episode,
I spoke about an example of my brother, right and
how we will get into these misunderstandings. But because of
my knowledge of MBTI and my we're always trying to
understand people from that scope, right, from that kind of perspective.
How it's really helped us and how we relate with
(25:41):
each other. And so one of the things I was
thinking about this week is the MBTI process might actually
help us with our understanding muscles. Like so when we're
trying to figure out our MBTI preferences and types and
how my preferences might impact myself, others and situations, and
I'm building my understanding muscles. When I'm using my MBTI
(26:05):
knowledge to figure out others MBTI preferences and types and
using that knowledge to provide a better situation, I'm building
my understanding muscles. I'm getting stronger, I'm getting better. I'm
putting load on and I'm getting stronger to the point
where it becomes easy. And like we talked about, like
a lot of you guys know, my brother's an extrovert.
(26:25):
So when we're on a vacation, I'm trying to figure
out the different type of places he wants to go,
because I know he wants to experience things. He just
doesn't want to sit in the house. So because I
built my understanding muscles, I understand that and I want
to create those things so that way he can experience it.
And he's trying to figure out when he needs to
schedule breaks for me because I'm an introvert, right, So
(26:45):
he knows that Mark forty five minutes, that's all he's got,
Like Mark needs a break, and he understands that when
I escape, he's probably not coming back for another fifteen minutes.
That understanding has allowed us to better relate with each other,
and then I so much a pre ate him, and
that appreciate only deepens my love for my brother right
and what he is because of just being able to
(27:07):
go through that understanding stuff right and being able to
do that, we're both feelers. So when we take a
trip to visit our parents, we both know that we
don't mind talking about, you know, how our year has
been going, and giving each other the needed empathy. But
we can't do this for too long because he's going
to get tired of my theoretical conversations and I'm going
(27:28):
to get tired of his very detailed stories that includes
like what the sun looks like? Like I hope we're
both going to get tired of that. So about two
hours into the trip, it's time for him to do
his thing and it's time for me to do my thing. Right.
But that's the power of understanding and how it impacts
relationships for the positive. And I think it's so important
for us to understand that because if we're able to
(27:51):
understand that, we can better relate with each other right.
And like I've always said, always start with you know,
do no harm right and also being considerate. If you
start there, then you're going to be able to be
in a position to be able to provide your understanding
to better relate right. My brother always says our relationship
is better than most married couples because we choose to
(28:13):
live by some of the fundamentals. First, do no harm,
like I just woke about, and second, be considerate at
all times, and the third to seek to understand before
being understood. I wonder if we actually leaned into those rules,
like actually really were intentional about living by those rules,
if our relationships would not just be better in.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Life overall, if people, if people could follow that, I mean,
I think we see great things from that. And you know,
I just want to say that I thought that was
such a fantastic example that you gave Mark about the
comment for that you guys are like an old married couple.
That's pretty funny. And I think that understanding our own
(28:57):
personality type and others types can absolutely we help in
providing a way to support and to forgive each other.
And I really like your analogy of understanding muscles, because
muscles need to be strengthened and they need to be
built up right. And on the other hand, if we
don't use them, they're going to get weaker.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
No doubt. Like and so but you're so right though, Like,
although we say this and it seems easy to understand,
we are human beings, right, So forgive me if I'm
trying to make this seem so oversimplistic, because we're human
beings filled with emotions and hurts and that sort of stuff,
and it forces us to do things we don't necessarily
want to do. But I just want to I just
really felt compelled to really talk about just this whole
(29:42):
idea of seeking to understand. And I really think that
seeking to understand also allows us to live by the
platinum rule right treat others the way they want to
be treated and allow spouses to satisfy each other's needs.
I really think that's really important, and by having the
fount foundation of seeking to understand, it allows us to
do those those two things. I can't treat you the
(30:05):
way you want to be treated and satisfy your needs
if I don't have a strong understanding of who you are.
So I'd say my job in the relationship is to
use my strong understanding muscles to understand who you are,
your personality, your strengths, Understand the purposes behind your emotions,
(30:26):
your motivations and actions. Understand the things that make you
who you are, and add value to your life through
treating you the way you want to be treated and
satisfying your needs emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. And people say, well,
that's really really a high bar, right and that sort
of stuff, But part of me feels like we kind
(30:47):
of do that with our best friends. Like I'm in
middle school, and like best friends are doing that, They're
taking time to understand their best friends problems, they're finding
ways to satisfy that best friend's emotion need. So if
my middle school girls can do it, like I feel
like the person that we love like we should do
that too. And again people are like, well, Mark, you're
(31:09):
not married, so like you're setting this high bar you
ever really experienced it. But here's what I'd say, even
though I haven't experienced it, let's have an ideal feel
of what it can be, because that's what allows to
be motivated to reach that sort of stuff. Right, So
I think that's really really important. So although I've set
(31:30):
a high bar when it comes to spouse's responsibility and
romantic relationships, I think this kind of what the hon
is to understand that if you just aim to seek
to understand before being understood with empathy and consideration, it
will lead to other actions. And it's this behavior that
will lead to an environment of safety, love and trust
(31:52):
that we all crave and that allows our loved ones
to grow and become everything that they're capable of becoming.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Yeah, your passion for this is like I can hear
it in your voice. I'm sure everybody tuning in can
hear this in your voice. And it's just so inspiring, Mark.
And I'm recalling as you're talking, how you and I
have sit together many times, and you know, I'm just
going on and on and on about whatever it is
(32:19):
that I'm talking about, and you're often very quiet, but
you're looking at me very intently, and I can feel
the understanding there. I can feel the validation there, and
it's really helpful, and like you're saying, there, that's the
I think the first part in a relationship. And I
(32:39):
love how you brought your middle school students into this,
because this is something where we often see young people
they have naturally and somehow we as we get older
and we lose it, and it's such a shame. I
really don't like to see that at all. And if
more people could just come back very simple it sounds
(33:01):
like again, sounds like very simple principles. I think the
world would be better for it. And you know, at
the end of the day, we are we're unique individuals.
We all have our unique struggles. But I think the
value and what you're talking about here, Mark about understanding first,
first understanding ourselves better, and then through that understanding, we
(33:24):
can see things about ourselves that can help us move forward,
things that we need to work on, and let's face it,
almost all all of us can work on becoming better
listeners and better empathizers. Yeah, and we can also see
why we gravitate towards certain people and certain relationships, and
(33:46):
sometimes we have to flex our styles, meaning we have
to adjust to other people because we value the relationship.
And simply watching people and observing certain behavioral cues and
gradually adjusting your style to that person style, so mirroring them.
This can really help in relating to people who are
(34:09):
different from ourselves. It can help us to communicate and
understand each other better. And you know, as I'm talking
about mirroring here, there is a downside to that, and
it can be exhausting if we do it too much. Right,
But at the end of the day, we're all human
(34:29):
and we all want to be accepted for who we
are most naturally and comfortably.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
I love how you mentioned that at the end, like
that's our ultimate goal, Like we want to be accepted
for who we are, right and just when we feel that,
when we feel that people accept us for who we are,
it allows us to feel that we can accomplish everything.
A story that I mentioned that I want to just
mention about one of my favorite basketball players of all
(34:57):
time is Kobe Bryant. And Kobe Bryant wasn't always a
great basketball player. He grew up in Italy and played basketball,
and when he came back to Philadelphia, his dad, who
was a former NBA player, put him in a really
really competitive league, right, And Kobe said, he was like
eleven and he's playing in a group of probably thirteen people.
(35:17):
I'm sorry at thirteen people, thirteen age thirteen. And he
said that, like during that whole year, he didn't score
a point, not a free throw, not a lucky Tippin,
nothing like Kobe Bryant, one of the best scores of
all time, didn't score point. And he was devastated because he's,
you know, nobody knows who he is, and he's coming
from a new area and he's trying to get acclimated
(35:39):
and transitioned back into US, and he feels like he's
letting down his dad, right, who was a former NBA player,
and that sort of stuff. So he feels terrible. And
he said that he had a conversation with his dad
and his dad said, you know what, Kobe, like, I
don't care if you score a point, I will always
love you, And Kobe said the love that he felt
(36:02):
like when he received it to understand that even in
his failure, he was going to be accepted for who
he was provided him with the foundation to feel like
you know what, no, no, dad, Like I'm gonna score
some points, but thank you. They let me know that
I can take risks in life and I can do
certain things in order to be successful. And so, like
when we talk about relationships and it's important, that's what
(36:25):
it all comes down to, the question is how do
we get to that? And that's what we're discussing in
this show. And so it's not about taking a combatibility
test right and try to figure out like, well, that
person's perfect for me and we're going to automatically like
have a good relationship. No, bro, Like like no, like
you got to do some work, right, Like you're going
(36:45):
to have to go through and really love that person
to do that, to give that person that safety so
that way they can become everything they're capable of becoming.
Take the risk, grow so they can reach where they
need to go. And when we reach that level, we
so much appreciate that person. That to me when it
comes down to it. Our love is so immense it's unbelievable,
(37:07):
and as human beings, that's what we're seeking, right, and
that's what we're coming and that's what we're trying to
get accomplished. And why I really I'm really so thrilled
that we're ending our podcast season, you know, you know,
first season together just really really speaking about the relationship
to how building our understanding muscles through MBTI can make
us such better relaters of people and help us in
(37:30):
our relationships. So just to kind of wrap up a
little bit, which I felt like I've kind of kind
of done there, right, Like I really do believe and
that that understanding is a foundation of care, empathy, and love.
And when we are able to understand people who are
all unique, it informs us and how we are to
behave Right. It's almost like we're doctors. The best medical
(37:53):
doctors are excellent understanding what's going on so the way
they can give the best care for patients. That's who
we are for each other. We're doctors to the soul.
Like doctors are medical examiners for the physical body, we
become the doctors of the soul where we can best
understand people and then help them figure out the best
(38:14):
care for them, which may not include us. You may
not include us being a part of that process, but
we help them become that. So that's really really important.
And I just feel like if we decided to live
like this trying to understand others who they are and
how they are all unique, and allow that understanding to
inform our actions toward them, we can definitely provide the
(38:37):
best care for them.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
Yeah yeah, yeah, well said Mark. And with that, we're
going to be wrapping things up here. And Mark, this
is a wrap up of our first season together. So
yay for us.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
Yeah, absolutely, it's been great it if I feel like
our interaction has been great and most important, our personality
type say that we weren't going to get this podcast
done and we were able to get it, so we
flexed some other preference muscles in order to get this accomplished.
Speaker 1 (39:08):
On Proud of us Yeah yep. Likewise likewise yep. So
big thanks to you, Mark, and folks who are tuning in.
If you have made it to the end of this,
thank you, big thanks. I'm going to ask another favor
of you. Please like this episode, subscribe to the podcast,
and share the episode with others.
Speaker 2 (39:26):
That way, we know we.
Speaker 1 (39:28):
Can continue bringing you great content in our next season.
We appreciate you all tuning in and supporting us. Thanks
again and take care.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
Thanks for tuning in, Follow us on social media and
your favorite podcast platform.
Speaker 1 (39:48):
And please reach out to me on LinkedIn and on
my website at top career dot com for more updated content.
While the Myers Braggs and MVTI R trademarks at the
Meersbriggs Foundation, the view points expressed here are our own
Hi, everyone. Today's episode is the topic I have been
waiting to discuss for a long time, relationships. Most everyone
who learns about the Myers Briggs wants to learn about
how it applies to relationships. Do opposites attract or do
birds of a feather flock together? Mark and I are
(00:22):
going to delve into this topic, specifically romantic relationships, which
is always a fun topic to discuss. And folks, this
is our final episode of this first season of the
New Meyers Briggs Question Corner, So if you haven't yet,
please please give us a like, a comment, a share,
(00:44):
and that way we know we're bringing you great content
and we can keep going for another season. And if
you've already been tuning in, big thanks to you. We
truly appreciate your support. Now let's talk about relationships. Welcome
(01:17):
to the New Myers Briggs Question Corner.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
I'm Edith Richards and I'm Mark Mappy and.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
We're here to answer your questions about all things personality
and all things Myers Briggs.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
From college to careers to relationships. Personality is the key
to finding the right fit. Welcome everyone, really looking forward
(01:53):
to today's episode MBTI and romantic relationships can understanding of
MBTI types help us in the romantic relationship process, attraction, dating, romance,
and long term relationships. If we have an understanding of
our MBTI and how it might have an impact on others,
(02:15):
would that help us and how we relate with others?
These are some of the things that we're going to
discuss in this episode. So with that question, would our
understanding of MBTI would that have a significant impact on
how we relate with others in it?
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Yeah? So, Mark, that's a really loaded question, but it's
fun and useful to discuss this question. So let's see.
Actually brought up a bunch of different questions there, so
let me see if I can break it down. So, first,
does having an understanding of our MBTI type preferences and
(02:53):
how we might impact others? Does that help us in
relating to each other? And second, how can this understanding
help us in attracting the right partner? And I'm going
to add this part too, can understanding our type preferences
help in sustaining a relationship? Did I get that right?
(03:15):
How was that?
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Mark?
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Absolutely, That's exactly what I wanted to talk about.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Okay, great, So let me dive right into this. Then,
so first regarding how the MBTI can help us relate
to each other, So let's start with that one. So first,
the Meersbriggs Assessment isn't a tool that was designed specifically
to use with relationships, romantic or otherwise. There is no
(03:44):
psychometric out there that can accurately predict relationship success, so
let me just get that part out there. Personality is
such a complex topic, and as much as some people
might want to argue with me on this, personality isn't
quantifiable or diagnosable. But the Myers Briggs can be a
(04:06):
powerful tool to help in understanding each other and it
can help challenges in relationships if it's used correctly. So
let me take a brief step back here. I get
a lot of questions about this, and people who are
new to the Myers Briggs often want to learn what
the types of their friends and family members and significant
(04:28):
others are and which types they'll be most compatible with.
So it's really easy to fall into this path of
what we call typecasting. I know we've mentioned this in
previous podcasts, and really what that means is assigning certain
characteristics to a person or assuming that they like or
don't like certain things. Solely on the basis of their
(04:50):
four letter Myers Briggs type. So let's me stress this,
just because you have a certain personality type doesn't necessarily
mean that you're going to enjoy the same things as
someone else with your same personality type. There are a
lot of other factors that go into compatibility, so there
will be similarities, especially in how you approach life and
(05:14):
people you may be naturally comfortable with and things like that.
But it's important to remember that each of us, aside
from a Meers Briggs type, is still an individual with
unique traits and a unique path in life. So quick example, here,
I've talked about my own type quite a bit on
this podcast. I'm an NFP type, and just the other
(05:36):
day I was chatting with another NFP friend of mine,
and I was actually struck by how different we really are.
We've taken different career paths, for example, but we both
enjoy motivating others in brainstorming, which are hallmarks of our type.
Yet we both have completely different tastes in music and
(05:57):
movies and books, And then there's our taste in men
that's completely different. But aside from these things, we have
very similar outlooks on life. At least I feel this way,
and we have different packs, but we're both clearly e NFPs.
So I say this to say that we should be
(06:17):
careful of not forgetting that we're still individuals aside from
a personality type. And there's way more to how the
Meyers Briggs is measured. Essentially, it's a system of measuring
binary distribution of four dichotomies of personality traits, and when
we're talking about things like relationships, there's really no way
(06:40):
to quantify or measure them in a scientific accurate sense.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
These are all great points if I think it's something
very important for us to understand. So we don't use
the Myers Briggs for something that it wasn't intended to
be used for a lot of times we talked about
type casting, right, we don't want to use that in
order to do that. But I definitely love some of
the things that you talked about. When it comes to
relating with somebody, there's more that goes into it than
(07:09):
just personality types. There's tons of things and tons of
other factors that go into what makes you compatible, what
makes you get along with individuals. But I do think
I do love what you said here. The Meyer's break
can be a powerful tool though, in understanding each other,
and I hope that this can be a theme that
we mentioned throughout this episode, is using the Meyers breaks
(07:32):
as a way to understand each other so that way
we can better relate with each other. And I think
that's kind of what we want. You use, don't use
the Meyers breaks, the type cast, use the buyer's brigs
to increase our understanding so that way we can use
our relationship skills to better relate with each other.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Yeah, yeah, good point. Good point that you made there.
And in terms of this understanding of how personality type
can help us in terms of because we're talking about
romantic relationships here right, in terms of attraction, dating, romance,
and long term relationships. So let me just say that
this is my opinion. I tend to believe that the
(08:13):
more similar we are in terms of personality, the easier
it is to connect with somebody. But I also admit
that this isn't always true. Right, Chemistry and compatibility goes
way beyond personality type to your earlier point, mark, and
it goes beyond anything that the Meyers breaks measures. But
(08:36):
when I meet another NFP type more often than not.
I can very easily make a connection with that person
because of the similar traits that we share, and I
just almost always walk away feeling like I've met one
of my people, like a member of my tribe, and
that feels really good because the other person just gets you. Now,
(08:59):
does that always translate into chemistry in terms of a
romantic relationship, No, not really or not always so. Just
speaking for myself, I tend to be romantically attracted to
people who are very different from me. Opposites attract, right,
(09:19):
But on the other hand, I often make connections with
other people of very opposite types who sometimes feel like
they belong in my tribe. And speaking of that, one
thing I do like to point out in these types
of conversations is that one of the greatest growth opportunities
that we have is with someone else with a different
(09:43):
personality type. So what I'm trying to say here is
that there are there's so many nuances when it comes
to talking about relationships. There's not really any black or white.
So the other thing I want to point out is
that I firmly believe that any too healthy, well developed
individuals of any Meyers Briggs type can have a successful
(10:06):
relationship interesting.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
So what you're saying is that two people of the
same type may be compatible, but maybe not. There's really
no certain way to tell, right, But I like what
you said about opposites attracting, and from an MBTI perspective,
we may be able to into it what relationship challenges
they experience and where they might find joy in each other.
(10:32):
And one of the things that I've always said a
lot of times on this podcast is that opposites kind
of complete each other just because we bring different things
that are needed in a relationship or a partnership or teamwork.
It brings different things together that allows you to complete
certain tasks.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Yeah, yeah, for sure. So if you don't mind, may
I take your type for example?
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Mark? Sure, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Okay, So you're an INFP type. You've shared that with
our audience before. So let's take a look at your opposite,
which is an EESTJ type. We can to your point
into it what a relationship between these two might look like.
So I'll first say that there may be some natural
(11:18):
chemistry here because of the whole opposites attract thing and
what we were talking about, an ESTJ type might be
drawn to your natural warmth Mark, and you may be
drawn to an estj's tendency to plan and organize, especially
with social events that the two of you can attend together.
(11:41):
So these two types can compliment each other. And when
we're attracted to someone who's our opposite, it's often because
of these differences, and we can see things in that
person that we don't see in ourselves. I think some
other good things about IFP and ESTJ pairing is that
estj's tend to be very stable people. They tend to
(12:03):
be loyal and dependable, and this can complement your calm demeanor, Mark,
and your kindness, your ability to look at the big
picture and think about the future, and of course your creativity.
These are all things that are not natural strengths of
an ESTJ type. And another thought I have here is
(12:24):
that an ESTJ partner can probably help you come out
of your shell a bit more than you might otherwise.
They can help you to be more outspoken on things
that you're passionate about. So those are a few things
that come to mind here about opposites, attract and compatibility.
So now let's talk about some of the challenges here
(12:46):
with this type pairing. I can see a couple of
areas of frustration here, and one would be lifestyle orientation,
making plans, and coming to closure. And the other thing
that I'm thinking is different communication needs. So for the first,
(13:07):
ESTJ types tend to see the world in black and white.
They tend to want tangible, not theoretical results. So they're
going to focus on the immediate problem at hand, and
they're going to try to fix it, and they're going
to dole out a list of responsibilities for who is
going to do what. They are going to get frustrated
(13:29):
if something comes up that disrupts their schedule because at
the end of the day, ESTJs are ruled by clocks
and calendars, so they may expect, for example, for all
the household chores to be complete before they can relax.
So they may expect all the household chores to be
(13:49):
complete before they can relax. And this may stress you out,
Mark because as an INFP, you may prefer to work
in bursts and spurts when your inspiration moves you to
do so you don't necessarily have a plan with a list,
and that can frustrate an EESTJ. And then there's the
(14:10):
communication needs. So ESTJs tend to be rigid and they
expect the rest of the world to be just like them.
They want to decide things, they want to check a box.
But as an INFP mark you're on this perpetual path
of self discovery, and if you're deciding things too quickly,
(14:32):
that can be very stressful. INFPs also have a very
strong need for an emotional connection, and comments from an
estj means to be helpful or encouraging, they may come
out and sound like criticism to an INFP. So these
are some of the challenging areas that I can think
(14:54):
of for this pairing. But again, I want to stress
there's a lot more that goes into a successful relationship
than our Meyers Briggs types.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Wow, I gotta admit it. That was very powerful just
as I'm going through it, And boy, I wish that
everybody can kind of go through this whole process. When
you talked about the challenges stressing me out, yes, Like,
like you should have seen my face right, it was
punched up. I was feeling highly stressed out just thinking
(15:23):
about how these different things would work out in my
real life. And I do have friends not in a
romantic relationship with somebody who's an I ISTJ. But we
work very closely together, and I do understand some of
those issues. I do understand some of the challenges that
I have to have. And it's actually the Meyers break
understanding that allows me to understand that we're going to
(15:45):
have this conversation, that we're going to have the can
I be honest with you? Conversation? And I know that
when somebody says can I be honest with you, they're
not going to say can I be honest with you?
I have great things to say, right, normally, can I
be honest with you? You got to change, you got.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
To Yeah, I mean saying that, like can I be
honest with you? That that can talk about stressing somebody out.
Those very words can that are likely to stress anybody.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Out, right, But it's the understanding that I know that
that person needs to be right, and so that's the
reason why it is and so I can take a
deep breath and be prepared for that. Right. But also
what you mentioned about the idea is how these things
can help us, right, You're right, when we're in social
situations and the person's being extroverted and talking all the
(16:33):
time and doing all the chit chat and starting all
those conversations. It allows me to warm up my chit chat, right,
and I can come in slowly, and then eventually I
look like him, Right, I look like him as an extrovert,
right because I finally found a topic that I would
like to talk about with that individual, and so now
I focus on that topic as an introvert. Right. So
(16:54):
as we talk a little bit about the introvert stuff,
and like how introverts might be different than extroverts. What
about introverts or with introverts? Are they just sitting around
and just talking about things to get all the way
down to the bottom. Are they just inside just in
their house, just talking, Oh, watch movies? Like what are
(17:15):
they doing?
Speaker 1 (17:16):
Yeah? Yeah, So that's an interesting question because at face value,
it might be like we like, we might expect that, right,
we might think that two introverts can just blissfully live
on their own in their own little cozy cottage and
never have to interact with the rest of the world.
But the reality is a different story. Right. I think
(17:38):
two introverts together, they might be great listeners. They're gonna
likely demonstrate a lot of patience and respect for each
other's needs for privacy and quiet and on the downside,
they may lose touch with the outside.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
World if they're not forced to interact with it, right, yeah,
you know, And on the other hand, they may end
up lacking us their self awareness because everything gets filtered
into how they see things.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
So, you know, like everything else in life, there's pros and.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Cons absolutely, they got it goes into like understanding that relationships,
there's so many other factors that are involved with that.
And even just within the MBTI personality traits, right, we're
just looking at one preference introvert versus extrovert and introverts together.
But we can see how if you just change the
(18:34):
next letter an intuitive right and a sensor, how that
conversation might be different. Where we might be discussing stuff.
And my conversation is very theoretical, is very you know,
possibility based and that sort of stuff, very theoretical, and
they want more practical, pragmatic sort of conversation, more detail
(18:55):
oriented situations. So although we're together, really really you know,
having good conversation, sometimes we could be talking past each
other just on the next preference, right, So we're talking
about not even just other factors might influence relationships outside
of personality but even within the personality that might be
(19:16):
the case. And that's why this needs to be used
for understanding not well because it if said this, this
is exactly what's going to happen.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
No, it's understanding base yeah, yeah, yeah, and definitely bringing
in the other dichotomies into it. I mean it takes
on a whole other level. And you mentioned sensing and intuitive.
I mean with this pairing, you can have a sensor
and an intuitive type looking at the same object and
describing it in very different ways. So you think about
(19:47):
how that translates into successful communication. It's definitely going to
require some patience and understanding.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
There great point, you know, as we're having this conversation,
it is I've really been thinking of you know, I
think one of the most important things in a successful relationship,
whether they be romantic or platonic, is understanding. I don't
know if you've ever read the book, but Franklin Covey
in his book Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, he said,
(20:16):
seek to understand before being understood. Now, he was using
this like number five habit to demonstrate the importance of listening, observing,
and using empathic conversation to better understand someone. Or like
a different situation. Right, But before trying to prove your
own point, okay, you need to be able to understand
(20:37):
that individual. And I think that that's so powerful, right.
I really feel like it's a way to improve our
socially emotional knowledge and skills, which will then help us
build relationships. But I think this habit is powerful when
it comes to having successful relationships, not just to build
you know, these empathic skills and listening skills and that
(20:58):
sort of stuff, but I think it's really a core
ingredient in having a successful relationship. We need to seek
to understand people and who they are so that way
we can better take care of one another. Right. So, Edith,
what are your thoughts on understanding like being a core
ingredient to our romantic relationships?
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Yeah, you know, Mark, that's a really good point because
regardless of our Meyers Briggs types, there is one thing
that we all need in our relationships, and that's to
be understood. But we all have different needs in a relationship, right.
So okay, so quick example, So my significant other is
(21:38):
a very clear introvert, and I'll say I'm a moderate extrovert,
so he my significant other is perfectly happy to stay
at home for days upon days watching TV or doing
whatever it is that he does. And for me, it's
just not going to work all the time. I need
to go out and I need to interact with at
(21:59):
least one other person, or preferably a few people, at
least once a weekend. And pretty early on he figured
that out and he told me, he said, I know
that I can't be everything for you. You have some
needs that I just can't fulfill. So there are times
when I just do my thing and he just does
(22:22):
his thing, and there's nothing wrong with that. But I
think the key is to approach these conversations with curiosity
other than judgment. I mean, it's easy for me to
say that it's unhealthy for a grown man to be
spending so much time in his man cave, but that's
my own filter and it's based on my own needs.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
Yeah, it just I really think it comes down to understanding, right,
And we know there's a bunch of things that goes
into love, right, Like when we say I love you
and you're the person that I love and you're the
person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
We know there's more to that than just personality base.
But I do feel like when we get to that
level of love, the fun journey is the understanding of
(23:06):
one another. Is they're really getting a chance to really
understand who that person is, what they need and maybe
what they don't need from me, right, and to understand
that they're different than me. And I'm willing to either
give them what they need or maybe not do that,
or even understand that that person is probably not going
to give that to me, like you spoke about in
your example, so I need to seek it out in
(23:28):
other ways, Like it's the journey of life where we're
always essentially enjoying life. And I love that idea that
relationships should be taking us on like a journey through life,
And it's really coming through an idea of understanding and
helping a lot of times when I talk about relationships,
I talk about climbing a mountain. Right, climbing mount effort.
(23:50):
There's a certain amount of understanding you need to have
in order to scale that mountain. You can't just wow,
I mean that person's not doing it the way I
want to do it. So I'm just not going to like,
we're not going to do that, No, Like we have
to do things together, and we have to understand each
other's strengths, their weaknesses, what they need and what they
don't need in order to successively climb and scale the mountain. Right,
(24:13):
So I just think about because of course I'm an
intuitive and I want to imagine a certain world, But
imagine a world where our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our husbands, wives,
lovers meet us with understanding and not with judgment. Like,
not this whole idea of needing to be right all
the time and proving a point and wanting to be understood,
(24:35):
but seek to understand where we're coming from and what
we're trying to accomplish. I think that would provide us
with such great safety in our relationships, which would then
allow us to grow and to journey in our path
towards self actualization.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Yeah, you know, when you say it like that, it
sounds so easy, but especially like when we're in the
heat of the moment, it's really not. And then we're
all prone to our own biases because we're human. But
it's my hope just by us talking about this, that
people can start to develop more of an awareness around
(25:13):
these topics and they can use that understanding to build
better relationships with each other.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
Yeah, I totally agree. You know, in the last episode,
I spoke about an example of my brother, right and
how we will get into these misunderstandings. But because of
my knowledge of MBTI and my we're always trying to
understand people from that scope, right, from that kind of perspective.
How it's really helped us and how we relate with
(25:41):
each other. And so one of the things I was
thinking about this week is the MBTI process might actually
help us with our understanding muscles. Like so when we're
trying to figure out our MBTI preferences and types and
how my preferences might impact myself, others and situations, and
I'm building my understanding muscles. When I'm using my MBTI
(26:05):
knowledge to figure out others MBTI preferences and types and
using that knowledge to provide a better situation, I'm building
my understanding muscles. I'm getting stronger, I'm getting better. I'm
putting load on and I'm getting stronger to the point
where it becomes easy. And like we talked about, like
a lot of you guys know, my brother's an extrovert.
(26:25):
So when we're on a vacation, I'm trying to figure
out the different type of places he wants to go,
because I know he wants to experience things. He just
doesn't want to sit in the house. So because I
built my understanding muscles, I understand that and I want
to create those things so that way he can experience it.
And he's trying to figure out when he needs to
schedule breaks for me because I'm an introvert, right, So
(26:45):
he knows that Mark forty five minutes, that's all he's got,
Like Mark needs a break, and he understands that when
I escape, he's probably not coming back for another fifteen minutes.
That understanding has allowed us to better relate with each other,
and then I so much a pre ate him, and
that appreciate only deepens my love for my brother right
and what he is because of just being able to
(27:07):
go through that understanding stuff right and being able to
do that, we're both feelers. So when we take a
trip to visit our parents, we both know that we
don't mind talking about, you know, how our year has
been going, and giving each other the needed empathy. But
we can't do this for too long because he's going
to get tired of my theoretical conversations and I'm going
(27:28):
to get tired of his very detailed stories that includes
like what the sun looks like? Like I hope we're
both going to get tired of that. So about two
hours into the trip, it's time for him to do
his thing and it's time for me to do my thing. Right.
But that's the power of understanding and how it impacts
relationships for the positive. And I think it's so important
for us to understand that because if we're able to
(27:51):
understand that, we can better relate with each other right.
And like I've always said, always start with you know,
do no harm right and also being considerate. If you
start there, then you're going to be able to be
in a position to be able to provide your understanding
to better relate right. My brother always says our relationship
is better than most married couples because we choose to
(28:13):
live by some of the fundamentals. First, do no harm,
like I just woke about, and second, be considerate at
all times, and the third to seek to understand before
being understood. I wonder if we actually leaned into those rules,
like actually really were intentional about living by those rules,
if our relationships would not just be better in.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Life overall, if people, if people could follow that, I mean,
I think we see great things from that. And you know,
I just want to say that I thought that was
such a fantastic example that you gave Mark about the
comment for that you guys are like an old married couple.
That's pretty funny. And I think that understanding our own
(28:57):
personality type and others types can absolutely we help in
providing a way to support and to forgive each other.
And I really like your analogy of understanding muscles, because
muscles need to be strengthened and they need to be
built up right. And on the other hand, if we
don't use them, they're going to get weaker.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
No doubt. Like and so but you're so right though, Like,
although we say this and it seems easy to understand,
we are human beings, right, So forgive me if I'm
trying to make this seem so oversimplistic, because we're human
beings filled with emotions and hurts and that sort of stuff,
and it forces us to do things we don't necessarily
want to do. But I just want to I just
really felt compelled to really talk about just this whole
(29:42):
idea of seeking to understand. And I really think that
seeking to understand also allows us to live by the
platinum rule right treat others the way they want to
be treated and allow spouses to satisfy each other's needs.
I really think that's really important, and by having the
fount foundation of seeking to understand, it allows us to
do those those two things. I can't treat you the
(30:05):
way you want to be treated and satisfy your needs
if I don't have a strong understanding of who you are.
So I'd say my job in the relationship is to
use my strong understanding muscles to understand who you are,
your personality, your strengths, Understand the purposes behind your emotions,
(30:26):
your motivations and actions. Understand the things that make you
who you are, and add value to your life through
treating you the way you want to be treated and
satisfying your needs emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. And people say, well,
that's really really a high bar, right and that sort
of stuff, But part of me feels like we kind
(30:47):
of do that with our best friends. Like I'm in
middle school, and like best friends are doing that, They're
taking time to understand their best friends problems, they're finding
ways to satisfy that best friend's emotion need. So if
my middle school girls can do it, like I feel
like the person that we love like we should do
that too. And again people are like, well, Mark, you're
(31:09):
not married, so like you're setting this high bar you
ever really experienced it. But here's what I'd say, even
though I haven't experienced it, let's have an ideal feel
of what it can be, because that's what allows to
be motivated to reach that sort of stuff. Right, So
I think that's really really important. So although I've set
(31:30):
a high bar when it comes to spouse's responsibility and
romantic relationships, I think this kind of what the hon
is to understand that if you just aim to seek
to understand before being understood with empathy and consideration, it
will lead to other actions. And it's this behavior that
will lead to an environment of safety, love and trust
(31:52):
that we all crave and that allows our loved ones
to grow and become everything that they're capable of becoming.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Yeah, your passion for this is like I can hear
it in your voice. I'm sure everybody tuning in can
hear this in your voice. And it's just so inspiring, Mark.
And I'm recalling as you're talking, how you and I
have sit together many times, and you know, I'm just
going on and on and on about whatever it is
(32:19):
that I'm talking about, and you're often very quiet, but
you're looking at me very intently, and I can feel
the understanding there. I can feel the validation there, and
it's really helpful, and like you're saying, there, that's the
I think the first part in a relationship. And I
(32:39):
love how you brought your middle school students into this,
because this is something where we often see young people
they have naturally and somehow we as we get older
and we lose it, and it's such a shame. I
really don't like to see that at all. And if
more people could just come back very simple it sounds
(33:01):
like again, sounds like very simple principles. I think the
world would be better for it. And you know, at
the end of the day, we are we're unique individuals.
We all have our unique struggles. But I think the
value and what you're talking about here, Mark about understanding first,
first understanding ourselves better, and then through that understanding, we
(33:24):
can see things about ourselves that can help us move forward,
things that we need to work on, and let's face it,
almost all all of us can work on becoming better
listeners and better empathizers. Yeah, and we can also see
why we gravitate towards certain people and certain relationships, and
(33:46):
sometimes we have to flex our styles, meaning we have
to adjust to other people because we value the relationship.
And simply watching people and observing certain behavioral cues and
gradually adjusting your style to that person style, so mirroring them.
This can really help in relating to people who are
(34:09):
different from ourselves. It can help us to communicate and
understand each other better. And you know, as I'm talking
about mirroring here, there is a downside to that, and
it can be exhausting if we do it too much. Right,
But at the end of the day, we're all human
(34:29):
and we all want to be accepted for who we
are most naturally and comfortably.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
I love how you mentioned that at the end, like
that's our ultimate goal, Like we want to be accepted
for who we are, right and just when we feel that,
when we feel that people accept us for who we are,
it allows us to feel that we can accomplish everything.
A story that I mentioned that I want to just
mention about one of my favorite basketball players of all
(34:57):
time is Kobe Bryant. And Kobe Bryant wasn't always a
great basketball player. He grew up in Italy and played basketball,
and when he came back to Philadelphia, his dad, who
was a former NBA player, put him in a really
really competitive league, right, And Kobe said, he was like
eleven and he's playing in a group of probably thirteen people.
(35:17):
I'm sorry at thirteen people, thirteen age thirteen. And he
said that, like during that whole year, he didn't score
a point, not a free throw, not a lucky Tippin,
nothing like Kobe Bryant, one of the best scores of
all time, didn't score point. And he was devastated because he's,
you know, nobody knows who he is, and he's coming
from a new area and he's trying to get acclimated
(35:39):
and transitioned back into US, and he feels like he's
letting down his dad, right, who was a former NBA player,
and that sort of stuff. So he feels terrible. And
he said that he had a conversation with his dad
and his dad said, you know what, Kobe, like, I
don't care if you score a point, I will always
love you, And Kobe said the love that he felt
(36:02):
like when he received it to understand that even in
his failure, he was going to be accepted for who
he was provided him with the foundation to feel like
you know what, no, no, dad, Like I'm gonna score
some points, but thank you. They let me know that
I can take risks in life and I can do
certain things in order to be successful. And so, like
when we talk about relationships and it's important, that's what
(36:25):
it all comes down to, the question is how do
we get to that? And that's what we're discussing in
this show. And so it's not about taking a combatibility
test right and try to figure out like, well, that
person's perfect for me and we're going to automatically like
have a good relationship. No, bro, Like like no, like
you got to do some work, right, Like you're going
(36:45):
to have to go through and really love that person
to do that, to give that person that safety so
that way they can become everything they're capable of becoming.
Take the risk, grow so they can reach where they
need to go. And when we reach that level, we
so much appreciate that person. That to me when it
comes down to it. Our love is so immense it's unbelievable,
(37:07):
and as human beings, that's what we're seeking, right, and
that's what we're coming and that's what we're trying to
get accomplished. And why I really I'm really so thrilled
that we're ending our podcast season, you know, you know,
first season together just really really speaking about the relationship
to how building our understanding muscles through MBTI can make
us such better relaters of people and help us in
(37:30):
our relationships. So just to kind of wrap up a
little bit, which I felt like I've kind of kind
of done there, right, Like I really do believe and
that that understanding is a foundation of care, empathy, and love.
And when we are able to understand people who are
all unique, it informs us and how we are to
behave Right. It's almost like we're doctors. The best medical
(37:53):
doctors are excellent understanding what's going on so the way
they can give the best care for patients. That's who
we are for each other. We're doctors to the soul.
Like doctors are medical examiners for the physical body, we
become the doctors of the soul where we can best
understand people and then help them figure out the best
(38:14):
care for them, which may not include us. You may
not include us being a part of that process, but
we help them become that. So that's really really important.
And I just feel like if we decided to live
like this trying to understand others who they are and
how they are all unique, and allow that understanding to
inform our actions toward them, we can definitely provide the
(38:37):
best care for them.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
Yeah yeah, yeah, well said Mark. And with that, we're
going to be wrapping things up here. And Mark, this
is a wrap up of our first season together. So
yay for us.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
Yeah, absolutely, it's been great it if I feel like
our interaction has been great and most important, our personality
type say that we weren't going to get this podcast
done and we were able to get it, so we
flexed some other preference muscles in order to get this accomplished.
Speaker 1 (39:08):
On Proud of us Yeah yep. Likewise likewise yep. So
big thanks to you, Mark, and folks who are tuning in.
If you have made it to the end of this,
thank you, big thanks. I'm going to ask another favor
of you. Please like this episode, subscribe to the podcast,
and share the episode with others.
Speaker 2 (39:26):
That way, we know we.
Speaker 1 (39:28):
Can continue bringing you great content in our next season.
We appreciate you all tuning in and supporting us. Thanks
again and take care.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
Thanks for tuning in, Follow us on social media and
your favorite podcast platform.
Speaker 1 (39:48):
And please reach out to me on LinkedIn and on
my website at top career dot com for more updated content.
While the Myers Braggs and MVTI R trademarks at the
Meersbriggs Foundation, the view points expressed here are our own
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