March 7, 2024 • 46 mins
#22: In this solo episode, Cassandra dives deep into the realities of modern dating. Reflecting on her recent experience with a seemingly perfect match, she shares powerful insights on self-love, attachment styles, and the delusions we create while searching for "the one."
Explore the highs and lows of dating apps, the challenges of chasing fantasies, and the importance of balancing vulnerability with authenticity. Cassandra unpacks the red flags we ignore, the role of validation in relationships, and how to prioritize meaningful connections in the digital dating age.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in a dating rut, struggled with attachment issues, or found yourself drawn to surface-level traits over deeper connections, this episode is for you. Tune in for raw advice, relatable stories, and a fresh take on navigating love in today’s world.
Single? Meet us at the thursdayº Event.Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
You can follow Pain In My Cass Podcast: @paininmycasspod
You can follow Cassandra Jean:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Hey guys, welcome to In the Lobby podcast.
Today you just have your girlcast in the lobby, rogers doing
his own thing, and I wanted tostart doing solo episodes, kind
of on topics that each of uswanted to focus on a little bit
(00:30):
more of.
I think solo episodes are alittle bit tough because you
really have to put yourself outthere and share a lot of
yourself, and this kind of cameup on the last episode that we
did with Jane, who is one of mybest friends.
(00:52):
I adore her.
It was such a beautiful episodeand we were asking her a bunch
of questions and she kind ofthrew an uno reverse and started
asking about my love life and Iwas really hesitant to start
talking about it because thereare certain things that I want
(01:14):
to share with you guys and thenthere are certain things I'm so
cautious about sharing, and oneof those is like the personal
details of my dating life, justbecause I am single and I don't
want to put myself in a positionwhere I'm dating people and
(01:38):
then they think that ifsomething happens it's going to
be content that's shared on thepodcast.
But I really felt when shecalled me out on this that I
wasn't being true to myself andbeing in touch with myself if I
(01:59):
wasn't sharing my story andreally putting myself out there
with like how I actually feel,what's going on in my world.
And so that's why I'm sittingdown today and I was like making
episode notes and I was likewhat do I want to call this
(02:19):
episode?
And I was going to have it beabout like self love and kind of
seeing beyond the surface ofsomeone you're dating or someone
you're talking to.
But what I realized and I thinkwe'll see what happens but the
real title should be somethinglike you are hotter in my
(02:40):
delusion, and that's kind of thetopic of the episode is like
self love and relationships andhow we can kind of get in our
own mind and create our own ideaof who we think someone is
versus who they actually are andhow self love kind of plays
(03:04):
into all of that and self loveplays into relationships in
general.
So, to take it away, I'm justgoing to kind of tell this story
of a guy who I became reallyinfatuated with.
I really thought he was like myprince charming.
(03:29):
As many of you guys know, I'mobsessed with books.
I love reading, I love fiction,I love Harry Potter Fantasy.
I was huge into Twilight andthat always like reminds me of
my inner child and I think kindof the reoccurring theme with
(03:54):
these books are these kind ofdark, mysterious men who are a
little bit morally gray, but inthe end of the book they always
like turn out becoming a goodguy, almost like Beauty and the
(04:14):
Beast, right, like the Beast wasa monster, and then Belle kind
of turns him into this princecharming, which I think a lot of
women do try to do, this likefixer type situation.
So anyway, I had been singlefor a little bit at this point
(04:40):
and I had just gone through aback surgery which was traumatic
, you know, and it was a goodreset for me because I really
had to show up and take care ofmyself, you know, in a healing
way, physically also, likementally, emotionally.
(05:02):
I quit drinking, I had to getback into working out again.
So I had a lot of healing thatwas going on and what I thought
was a lot of self love.
So when I met this personOriginally, I felt that I was at
(05:23):
a place with myself where I wasfully in love with myself.
You know, like I thought I hadgotten to that point, which
there really never is, thatpoint that you get to of
self-love.
So I felt really ready to putmyself back out there, and the
(05:48):
only way I know how to do thatin today's world of dating was
the dating apps, which I fuckinghate.
Dating apps it was like I can'tremember.
I think it was Bumble Bumble.
I put myself back on, and Ithink the one thing to note is
(06:08):
I'm very picky and particularabout what I look for in a man,
and I've talked about that withRoger on the podcast.
I have very clear goals of whatI want my future to look like,
and that encompasses what mypartner looks like or acts like,
(06:32):
or his job, in a lot ofdifferent ways as well, and so
I'm going to make fun of myselfmultiple times about this on the
podcast, but always step one istall.
Maybe my expectations are alittle too high with that one,
but on my dating apps I alwaysI'm going to get so much hate
(06:55):
for this.
I always set the filter to like6'3", 6'4" plus, and so, anyway
, there was one guy I matchedwith on the dating apps and he
was like 6'4".
He was like tall, dark andhandsome I would say my ideal
(07:16):
man like stereotypical, lookwise, would be like Clark Kent,
and he kind of met you know thedemographic of what I find
attractive in a guy from aphysical standpoint and even
just looking at his pictures onBumble, he looked very like GQ,
(07:38):
like he dressed nice, it lookedlike he traveled around, was
well traveled.
I think he even said somethingyou know he wants like a trophy
Pilates wife or something likethat on his dating profile.
Y'all know that's right up myalley as well and the thing that
(08:00):
really stood out to me was thaton his profile it said
something about being involvedwith Amazon.
Like he was an entrepreneur whohad his own company doing
something in the kind ofe-commerce world and being
(08:23):
someone who had been anentrepreneur specifically
selling products on Amazon at areally young age and felling at
it, I was like fuck, yes, thisis so cool.
I'm always so drawn to men whoare entrepreneurs not just the
(08:45):
ones that claim that they'reentrepreneurs, but the men that
actually show up and arebuilding something is so fucking
hot to me, like swoon.
So I saw that and, like I said,very specific.
So obviously I swiped right forhim, didn't really think
(09:06):
anything of it Just when I wasswiping.
I was being intentional of thetype of men that I was looking
for.
So you know, I think wemessaged a little bit back and
forth and nothing really came ofit, like we never met up or
(09:27):
anything.
And I think it was around thenew year and around the new year
I went to Miami with my cousinto celebrate.
And my cousin's beautiful.
We look a little bit similarlike blonde, tall.
You know, we have some goodgenes, if I might say so myself,
(09:52):
and she's a beautiful woman andjust like so confident in
herself.
So, being around her in Miami,I watched her approach men and
you know she would take thefirst step forward and approach
them and be like so outgoing andopen to being seen by these men
(10:17):
that she was interested in that.
I really took notes from thatbecause it was working out well
for her and I was like if shecan shoot her shot and have the
confidence to do it, I certainlycan do it as well.
So you know, it was the new year, a new start.
(10:37):
I had just gotten back fromMiami.
I was feeling like a little bitlonely and I was like I really
want my person but, like I said,I'm specific.
So I was like fuck it.
And I went to Instagram becauseI had started following him on
Instagram and I sent him a DMand I was like, hey, I think you
(11:02):
should take me on a date thisyear, which, you know, I kind of
love that for myself.
I don't think there's anythingwrong with that.
We've even had guests say theystarted dating their significant
other because she was a femaleand she shot her shot.
Shout out, matthew, I owe me.
(11:24):
He was on here.
His girlfriend is a badass.
She did that.
Props to her.
And he messaged me back prettyquick and he was like hey, cass,
like that's really sweet, butI'm actually not interested in
dating this year.
I'm trying to focus on mybusiness.
(11:45):
And even that I think like alight bulb went off in my head
because I'm like, damn, this isso inspiring that this man is so
focused on his business and hiscareer, and I feel like you
find that so often where someonehas that goal oriented focus on
(12:07):
where they want to be, and Ijust was so fascinated with him
being an entrepreneur that Ithink I just messaged him back
and said something about oh,that's cool, you know, like what
do you do in the e-commercespace, because I used to play in
it as well.
(12:28):
Long story short like the manends up calling me, we talk for
three hours.
The first time we talked on thephone and I remember even then
hanging up and being like wow,because I don't talk to people
on the phone for three hours?
Like, just like his time isimportant.
(12:52):
As an entrepreneur, my time isimportant too, and I just
thought it was so beautiful thatjust even over a phone call, we
had that type of connection.
And so, you know, that happenedand it turned out like a few
weeks later we ended up going ona date and you know he came and
(13:17):
picked me up and we went andhad coffee and I remember the
first time, sitting in his carand making eye contact, and I
still remember this moment.
I just looked into his eyes andI felt something and like they
say that like love at firstsight isn't real or anything,
but I just looked at him and itwas like this knowing feeling,
(13:40):
like I felt like I had knownthis person for a long time.
It was so bizarre but with himbeing like so successful, there
was like this little girl insideof me that felt like I needed
(14:00):
to prove my worth to this manfor whatever reason, and I don't
know why I didn't think I wasgood enough or whatever, but I
just felt like I had to be on myA game with him.
Like I really looked at him aslike top 1% of men in every
(14:21):
aspect, like career focused,tall, probably made you know
over X amount of money, just alot of things that I don't think
you find very often.
So with him I always wanted toput my best foot forward and
show up as the best version ofme as possible, but I feel like
(14:43):
we all do that anyway.
When you first meet someone,you're always gonna put your you
know your best foot forward.
And it was scary for me hangingaround him, because dating guys
that looked like him and weretall wasn't new to me, but
(15:05):
dating someone that had drive,like that was, and you know, I
kind of had some concerns justright off the bat.
I'm like a guy like this canhave any woman he wants is a
thing that I kept telling myself, not remembering that a woman
(15:25):
that looks like this can haveanyone she wants, right.
So kind of forgetting that selflove piece even then and
putting him a little bit more onthe pedestal than myself, and I
do believe that women shouldalways be on the pedestal.
(15:47):
I think that men should pursueyou.
Being a woman is so beautifuland if the men pursue us, we
will give you everything youknow.
So it's, I believe it's for mento pursue, and so I was kind of
(16:10):
leaning with that mindset andthings were moving really slowly
with him, but I was trying tolet him do the pursuing with me,
and so we went on our firstdate and we just aligned on so
many things.
(16:30):
Like we went around Austin,like looking at homes, which
that's something I love to do.
Being big into manifesting islike looking at homes that I
could like potentially live inand seeing what my life would
look like.
And he said something to meabout like all he wanted was
(16:51):
like to have Christmas and likebe sitting on the couch with his
family with a Christmas tree.
And I feel like my heart justlike stopped because it's like
everything that I ever wanted,like the same thing, and I don't
(17:11):
know I just was so invested inthis in almost like an unhealthy
way, like there were like weeksthat went by where we wouldn't
see each other and I just keptfocusing so hard on myself and I
would just like work harder atthe gym and I would write little
(17:33):
sticky notes of like self loveand look in the mirror because I
feel like finding him andfinding what I thought was
everything I wanted.
It really was like looking inthe mirror and making sure that
I like was showing up as thebest version of myself.
(17:53):
So there was something reallybeautiful about me, just like
pushing, pushing, pushing myselfto show up and encompass that.
But there was another piece tothat.
That was like this game playing, where we would go like a few
weeks without talking and Iwould play the game.
(18:13):
But what I was truly doing waslike kind of suppressing my
emotions and my emotional needswith this person.
And I don't think that's selflove okay, it definitely is not.
Let me tell you, it did notfeel good.
It felt like I was like abottle that you shake of soda,
(18:36):
just like ready, ready, so readyto just like implode.
And so when he finally did askme out again, I was so excited
because I had been playing thegame.
But all I wanted to do was seehim in person and we ended up
(19:00):
going to this like masqueradeball together and I drank a
little bit too much at themasquerade ball and I feel like
all of my hesitations towardsthis man just came up right away
.
Like being around him, I reallybelieve that I'm very intuitive
(19:27):
and can fill energy and I meanI was dressed to the tens at
this masquerade ball, likebeautiful ball gown, like
crystal mask, like I'm reallytall.
I know that I looked reallywell dressed and I was there
with this man and I felt hisenergy shift.
When another woman walked in, Ijust felt his energy go to her
(19:53):
and I sensed right away I waslike something's going on there,
and so what ended up happeningis he spent about 20 minutes
talking to this woman while Iwas interacting with some other
people and I just I lost it.
(20:14):
I got to the point where I feltlike my energy wasn't being
respected.
I wasn't being respected.
It was so soon in the beginningof this.
I was like I'm putting aboundary in place.
This is not how I want to betreated, and I literally
contemplated getting an Uber and, just like Irish, exiting, not
(20:35):
saying bye and just going home.
But I think when I tried to dothat, I walked out the door and
he saw that I was trying toleave.
So he came over and talked tome and it's not to say that he
necessarily did anything wrong.
It was, more so a hard boundaryfor me, cause I don't want that
(21:01):
in my relationship.
I don't even though I want aman that's like successful.
I don't want someone that needshis ego fed and needs multiple
women, and so it was a choicefor me to walk away, even if
there was some alcohol involved.
(21:22):
And, you know, those suppressedemotions just kind of came up at
that point.
It was weird too, because Ialways think about this because
we were standing outside thevenue of this masquerade ball
and we're both wearing masks andI was looking at this person,
(21:44):
cause at this point, I hadalready developed really deep
and I was like I'm gonna go andget a mask, I'm gonna get a mask
.
I was like I'm gonna get a mask, I'm gonna get a mask.
I was like I'm gonna get a maskand cause, at this point, I had
already developed really deepfeelings for this person.
We had spent hours talking onthe phone, getting to know each
(22:05):
other like hours, and there'ssomething cool about that,
because it almost felt like alove is blind situation, because
this man had not even touchedmy body, but I felt like he had
touched my soul because I feltthat emotional, intellectual
(22:27):
connection with him.
And then when we went outsideand I was telling him how I felt
about him talking to that womanand putting his attention there
it wasn't even out of a placeof insecurity it was me telling
him look, I feel a lot offeelings for you and this is how
(22:48):
I feel about you.
And I feel like he was lookingback at me with, like, a mask on
and he was wearing a mask.
But it's not even that.
It was like there was novulnerability or expression
there.
And that's when I realized thatmaybe this person is not
(23:10):
emotionally available.
And that was tough, like Ireally, and even in that moment
I felt like I had broken my ownheart for putting someone on the
pedestal, creating a fantasy ofthis person in my head, and I
(23:32):
just went home and bawled myeyes out and cried and it was
terrible because I felt so muchcare for this person because of
myself, because I was choosingto care about this person, that
it was devastating to me and Ithink that just even I just
(23:53):
wanted to share that storybecause it kind of ties, like
how self love like influencesour romantic relationships,
because I don't feel like withthis person I didn't fall for
him because I was lonely.
(24:14):
It was like I saw the good inhim.
I truly saw the good in him.
And there's this saying abouthow you shop at the grocery
store when you're hungry rightLike, you'll put anything in
your cart so you'll buy theSkittles and the M&Ms and the
chocolate, the ice cream.
(24:36):
If you're me and you're notputting the healthy stuff, like
you'll just take whatever isthere.
And I think that relates tolove as well.
Right Like, if you're starving,you're gonna take some half ass
love.
Or if you're for me, at thattime I was blocking out all
(24:57):
these other guys that weretrying to date me and I was
putting my focus on one.
But when you're doing that andyou're only getting, your source
is one source, right Like.
It's like shopping at thegrocery store when you are
hungry and I don't think it wasbecause I was lost or anything
(25:21):
with this person it's like Isaid, I saw the good in him, but
the good was already inside ofme and I mean it kills me
because I spent so much timewhen I was waiting for his love
or his affection or hisattention, writing these sticky
(25:42):
notes and putting them on mymirror, like the affirmations
and stuff.
And I think the mirror andwe've talked about the mirror on
this podcast before it's such areflection.
Anytime you're seeing someone,the good you see in them is the
good that's in you.
So for me, this person therewas like this.
(26:04):
I looked at him with such awebecause he had accomplished
everything with his businessthat I felt like I had felt to
do in certain ways, and I justthink I was so fascinated by the
fact that he was like anentrepreneur and could
(26:25):
accomplish these things.
But there's no reason that Ican't do the same right, like
the same thing is inside of me.
So it was such a learningmoment for me just to put myself
back on the pedestal and showup for myself.
(26:47):
I do think the good thing fromthis situation is I pushed
myself hard right, and when Iwas pushing myself hard, what I
was doing accidentally wasbecoming this even greater
version of myself, like fitter,eating healthier, dressing
better, doing my makeup better.
(27:09):
So it ended up being a slightversion of self-love within
itself and I mean I think thereare some like misconceptions
even around self-love, becauseloving yourself is not
narcissistic.
And I've had this own strugglewith myself lately because I
(27:35):
feel really good about me andhow I've been showing up in the
woman that I've become, and I'vestarted to share that a little
bit more with the world.
I've been making these littlereels of myself and sharing them
on my Instagram.
I obviously put myself outthere with my podcast and
(27:55):
sometimes I'll have these likefleeting thoughts.
I'm like are these people likethinking that I'm just like
obsessed with myself and like anarcissist, putting my face
everywhere?
And I'm like loving yourself?
If you don't love yourself,like who's gonna be your own
(28:17):
cheerleader?
So I just started like puttingmyself out there and being the
woman that I want to be, and noteveryone's gonna like that and
that's okay.
I think the other thing I wantedto talk about, like whether
it's in relationships or dating,is there's like a perception
(28:41):
versus reality play.
That kind of can happen and Ithink you know I know we do this
as women.
Sometimes we fantasize who wethink someone is without knowing
their true colors, and I wastelling my mom this story the
(29:04):
other day because a lot of theguys that I end up liking are a
little bit off Because I'malmost like a sapiosexual and
I'm really really like intopeople's, like mental, emotional
(29:24):
.
So sometimes I'm just likereally attracted to like these
nerdy kind of weird guys becausethey're more interesting to me.
And then I feel like whathappens is, when I'm attracted
to these nerdy like kind of dorkguys, when they see that I've
(29:48):
fallen into their trap and thatthey've got me, I think it's
like this ego thing wherethey're like oh, I got her, now
I wanna go see who else I canget.
And I'm like yo, you're just anerd that I became fascinated
with.
Just because it worked on meDoesn't mean it's gonna work for
(30:09):
everyone.
So I just thought that wasfunny, because that's what I was
telling my mom.
But all that really plays intois I think some people will take
that and feed their ego.
And how I take it is how Iperceive you and how you're seen
(30:33):
through my eyes, which iswhat's really so beautiful about
the situation.
And so I think it's tough,because I hope I didn't
fantasize this person.
I do a vision board and a lot ofthe things that I wanted on my
(30:59):
vision board were very similarthings to what this person
wanted.
Like I do not want an averagelife, I want an immaculate life
and I want to build somethingwith someone that is so
beautiful and just even thefantasy of Disney princesses or
(31:24):
morally gray men like Christiangray or vampires or whatever
it's like.
If you love someone and youwant to build this really
beautiful life, it really can bea fairy tale.
If both of you are showing upand choosing that and you know,
(31:45):
like for me, maybe on thatvision board there's like a home
, but like a really beautifulhome and like children and like
a husband who like dresses niceand traveling and just this life
that's like so much greaterthan so.
(32:16):
I really felt like this personand I could do that together and
I think it was the first time Ireally felt like that way about
someone.
And there's this weird I'm weirdwith eye contact, but I felt
(32:37):
like if, when I look at thisperson, it's like I almost
didn't want to pull my eyes away.
I recognized this person.
I recognized their energy, notonly their energy, like the
essence of this person and notjust the shell, you know.
(32:58):
And spending hours and hourstalking on the phone with this
person I think allowed us bothto get to know each other really
well, and I think that's whatbeing loved is.
Being loved is being knownright, like whether it's my
(33:18):
middle name, which is CassandraJean, or the fact that I play
with my hair a lot, or I covermy mouth because I giggle way
too much and way toouncontrollably, or the fact that
I drink so many milligrams ofcaffeine that I should be having
a heart attack.
But if I'm sad, it's the onething that's gonna make me happy
(33:40):
and put me in a better mood.
And like it's so beautiful tobe seen by someone and they know
all these little things,whether it's the little freckles
on your shoulder or when you'rehaving a bad day, it's
beautiful.
That's what love is.
But you wanna fall in love withsomeone who wants you back too
(34:05):
at the same time, someone whowaits for you and someone who
loves your wild right.
And I was trying to put my bestfoot forward.
But there's this reallybeautiful chaotic side of me.
(34:26):
One of my best friends evencalls me like a wild horse, and
I think it's like thatSagittarius, fire sign, energy,
and I really relate to fire in alot of ways, because I am soft
and I am sweet, but I am alsofucking fierce and that's how I
(34:48):
think about a flame and a fire.
And I don't want someone thatjust loves me for the facade
right Of Barbie doll, stepfordwife.
Even if I want to look that wayappearance-wise, there's still
(35:09):
like this messiness inside of me, like I'm not a perfect robot.
So I want someone who loves mywild as well.
And I think what's hard isbecause I was a little bit lost,
because I was holding space forthis person, because I didn't
(35:32):
understand how I could feel thisway about someone and them not
feel the same way, because in my29 years of life it's not that
easy to find people that thinkthe same way as you, want the
same things and want to buildsomething almost identical to
the way that you do.
(35:53):
But I got to a point where Iwas sacrificing my self-love and
my boundaries and it's like youcan give people some space,
because no one's perfect rightand I think that's fair.
(36:14):
So it's like giving peoplegrace while kind of removing
yourself from their dysfunction,because if they don't know what
they want, there's no reasonfor you to sit there.
Because I even did a reallyvulnerable thing with this
(36:43):
person.
I looked at them and I said Ilove you and it felt kind of
crazy to say that, but you knowit's more just like I love you.
But I see the inconsistency ofyour decisions and I can't
handle my life that way, likeI'm too old to be Playing games.
(37:08):
So I've had to set a boundary inthat situation and I think
Boundaries can protect ourwell-being while still allowing
for compassion and empathy,because I have a really hard
time with this, like I don'twant to ever shut someone out
(37:29):
who's Hurting, and you know I'llthink to myself well, it's not
really hurting me, but when I'msuppressing my emotions, I don't
think I'm being good to myself.
You know, and I think that'sjust part of the whole thing is
trusting the process andself-love and seeing beyond the
(37:54):
fantasy and relationships ingeneral.
Is Trusting the process right?
Because I cry about this allthe time, like I'm gonna be dead
serious.
I cry about it all the time.
I have so many things in my lifethat I've wanted and worked out
the way that I've worked reallyhard to have them, whether it's
(38:15):
my career or my fitness.
But I can't control a partner,right?
Like I found someone who Ithought was perfect for me and
they're choosing to not love meback and that sucks and that is
so fucking out of my Control.
(38:36):
So all I can do is trust theprocess and know that I think
God has my back and I always saythis and I say this you know,
when I've had Old girlfriendsthat tried to steal someone I
was dating, I really don't givea fuck, because whatever is
(38:57):
meant for me is meant for me andwhatever is not meant for you
will pass you by right.
And I think if the other thingtoo, and this kind of fucked me
up in this situation is, if itis worth it, it will come back.
And I felt like this man cameback around and I thought that
(39:24):
this time he was actually gonnanot drop the ball and that's not
what happened.
So I've had to choose To bethere for myself, to pour that
love back into myself and putmyself back on the pedestal.
And it's not always easy,because sometimes I think to
(39:47):
myself how am I gonna find thisagain?
And you know I know I will,because I have faith that my
life is gonna get so much betterthan when it even is.
It's like that vision boardfairy tale.
I'm showing up as a woman onthat board, so I'm sure that my
(40:10):
life is gonna align that way aswell, and I want to do another
episode on that as well justaround self love, because not
even just self love, but justshowing up for yourself.
And self care, because I and Iwant to do another episode on
(40:33):
that and just like self care,because, looking at my vision
board, I became the woman that Iwanted to be and that's what I
can control, and there's so manythings that you can do with
like Self love, self care, toget yourself to that point, and
(40:53):
I really want to talk about howI did that.
So I'm gonna do an episode onthat as well.
But, yeah, I just want toremind you that you know you can
have so much self love and pourinto yourself and do all of the
good things and self care, andbut if you're not having
(41:14):
boundaries and you're notprotecting yourself, then you're
not showing yourself self love.
And anytime you feel yourselfsway off the pedestal, just
remember to put yourself back on, because it's you can't do
anything Until you have yourselfon the pedestal, whether that's
(41:42):
finding your partner showing upin a relationship.
You have to pour into your cupfirst.
So I'm gonna do a little bit ofself care, and then I'm gonna
show you how to do that.
So I think the thing to takeaway is true connection begins
with love and understandingourselves and just stay curious
(42:04):
and keep evolving.
And I know that there's acouple of books that have really
helped me, just not onlydealing with this process but In
general, and one of them isbreaking the habit of being
yourself by Dr Joe Dispenza,really well-known book, but I
(42:28):
think it's so profound formanifestation and remembering
that we're just made up of atomsand atoms are energy and you
can shift your energy at anytime, whether it's to shift your
energy for self-love,relationships, manifesting,
(42:49):
getting that vision boardaccomplished.
And then the other one isattached by a mere Levine and
this one, you know, really playsinto attachment styles.
You know which there's like ananxious attachment style and
(43:11):
that's someone who needs a lotmore attention when being
pursued in a relationship.
And then there's an avoidantand that's someone who kind of
pulls away more when you showaffection.
And then there's just, I thinkI don't know what the middle
ground is, but there are peoplewho are neutral and have just
like a healthy attachment style.
(43:35):
But for me, in this, my journeywith this situation ship, I
danced around with this idea alot because I was like is this
person that I'm interested in?
Is he just an avoidantattachment style?
And even that I was trying tohold space for.
(43:55):
But I should have put up myboundaries quicker.
And I think this book does helpus for those situations when
you do feel like someone pullsaway when you're Showing your
emotions, and it also helps youkind of understand what type of
Attachment style you are like.
(44:17):
For me personally, it's weirdlike I feel like the one person
when I really like Focus on oneperson.
I'm such an anxious attachmentstyle and I'm not even sure they
see it.
I just internalize it with likeall these thoughts.
And then I found with the othermen that I'm just more casually
(44:38):
dating.
I'm very avoidant.
So it's such, a such aninteresting book just trying To
understand yourself and yourattachment style.
So I highly recommend and, likeI said, this one's.
This one was difficult for me todo, just Putting myself out
(44:59):
there and sharing this story andknowing that he might hear it.
I put a lot of things on myselfas well in terms of Wanting to
be a high value woman and whatthat looks like, and I beat
myself up so many times Thinkingthat, like high value women
(45:21):
have like no social mediapresence.
They don't share anything, theydon't put themselves out there.
But I think I would be doing adisservice to the world if I
didn't share my story, which ismy form of art, and so I'm just
gonna keep doing that and Ithink there's something
beautiful about me being able toShare myself with the listeners
(45:47):
, with you guys, and put myselfout there.
So I think that's gonna wrap upthis episode.
But he was definitely a hotterin my Toulouse Roger's not here
so I can't have him say it'sgoing down, but you guys know
(46:07):
every Thursday it's going down.
You know I'm really thankful,too, that our podcast is
sponsored by Thursday dating app, which is a dating app that is
so unconventional because itgets you the fuck off dating
apps.
And you know, every Thursdaythere's events going on in
(46:30):
Austin At different barslocations I think last week was
at the cauldron but you get togo and meet people in person,
which I feel like is reallyBeautiful and something I'm
passionate about.
So I just have to say thank youto our sponsors, not only for
sponsoring the podcast but forChanging the dating scene in
(46:54):
Austin, because the dating scenehere needs some help and some
love.
Anyways, you guys know where tostalk us.
It's at in the lobby pod onInstagram and TikTok.
We also have the full videoepisodes on YouTube, which is
really cool to watch.
You can see my crazy facialexpressions because I have no
(47:17):
fucking poker face.
And then you can follow mypersonal Instagram at pain in my
cast, because I'm always yourfavorite pain in the ass.
So I appreciate you guyslistening.
Bye.
Hey guys, welcome to In the Lobby podcast.
Today you just have your girlcast in the lobby, rogers doing
his own thing, and I wanted tostart doing solo episodes, kind
of on topics that each of uswanted to focus on a little bit
(00:30):
more of.
I think solo episodes are alittle bit tough because you
really have to put yourself outthere and share a lot of
yourself, and this kind of cameup on the last episode that we
did with Jane, who is one of mybest friends.
(00:52):
I adore her.
It was such a beautiful episodeand we were asking her a bunch
of questions and she kind ofthrew an uno reverse and started
asking about my love life and Iwas really hesitant to start
talking about it because thereare certain things that I want
(01:14):
to share with you guys and thenthere are certain things I'm so
cautious about sharing, and oneof those is like the personal
details of my dating life, justbecause I am single and I don't
want to put myself in a positionwhere I'm dating people and
(01:38):
then they think that ifsomething happens it's going to
be content that's shared on thepodcast.
But I really felt when shecalled me out on this that I
wasn't being true to myself andbeing in touch with myself if I
(01:59):
wasn't sharing my story andreally putting myself out there
with like how I actually feel,what's going on in my world.
And so that's why I'm sittingdown today and I was like making
episode notes and I was likewhat do I want to call this
(02:19):
episode?
And I was going to have it beabout like self love and kind of
seeing beyond the surface ofsomeone you're dating or someone
you're talking to.
But what I realized and I thinkwe'll see what happens but the
real title should be somethinglike you are hotter in my
(02:40):
delusion, and that's kind of thetopic of the episode is like
self love and relationships andhow we can kind of get in our
own mind and create our own ideaof who we think someone is
versus who they actually are andhow self love kind of plays
(03:04):
into all of that and self loveplays into relationships in
general.
So, to take it away, I'm justgoing to kind of tell this story
of a guy who I became reallyinfatuated with.
I really thought he was like myprince charming.
(03:29):
As many of you guys know, I'mobsessed with books.
I love reading, I love fiction,I love Harry Potter Fantasy.
I was huge into Twilight andthat always like reminds me of
my inner child and I think kindof the reoccurring theme with
(03:54):
these books are these kind ofdark, mysterious men who are a
little bit morally gray, but inthe end of the book they always
like turn out becoming a goodguy, almost like Beauty and the
(04:14):
Beast, right, like the Beast wasa monster, and then Belle kind
of turns him into this princecharming, which I think a lot of
women do try to do, this likefixer type situation.
So anyway, I had been singlefor a little bit at this point
(04:40):
and I had just gone through aback surgery which was traumatic
, you know, and it was a goodreset for me because I really
had to show up and take care ofmyself, you know, in a healing
way, physically also, likementally, emotionally.
(05:02):
I quit drinking, I had to getback into working out again.
So I had a lot of healing thatwas going on and what I thought
was a lot of self love.
So when I met this personOriginally, I felt that I was at
(05:23):
a place with myself where I wasfully in love with myself.
You know, like I thought I hadgotten to that point, which
there really never is, thatpoint that you get to of
self-love.
So I felt really ready to putmyself back out there, and the
(05:48):
only way I know how to do thatin today's world of dating was
the dating apps, which I fuckinghate.
Dating apps it was like I can'tremember.
I think it was Bumble Bumble.
I put myself back on, and Ithink the one thing to note is
(06:08):
I'm very picky and particularabout what I look for in a man,
and I've talked about that withRoger on the podcast.
I have very clear goals of whatI want my future to look like,
and that encompasses what mypartner looks like or acts like,
(06:32):
or his job, in a lot ofdifferent ways as well, and so
I'm going to make fun of myselfmultiple times about this on the
podcast, but always step one istall.
Maybe my expectations are alittle too high with that one,
but on my dating apps I alwaysI'm going to get so much hate
(06:55):
for this.
I always set the filter to like6'3", 6'4" plus, and so, anyway
, there was one guy I matchedwith on the dating apps and he
was like 6'4".
He was like tall, dark andhandsome I would say my ideal
(07:16):
man like stereotypical, lookwise, would be like Clark Kent,
and he kind of met you know thedemographic of what I find
attractive in a guy from aphysical standpoint and even
just looking at his pictures onBumble, he looked very like GQ,
(07:38):
like he dressed nice, it lookedlike he traveled around, was
well traveled.
I think he even said somethingyou know he wants like a trophy
Pilates wife or something likethat on his dating profile.
Y'all know that's right up myalley as well and the thing that
(08:00):
really stood out to me was thaton his profile it said
something about being involvedwith Amazon.
Like he was an entrepreneur whohad his own company doing
something in the kind ofe-commerce world and being
(08:23):
someone who had been anentrepreneur specifically
selling products on Amazon at areally young age and felling at
it, I was like fuck, yes, thisis so cool.
I'm always so drawn to men whoare entrepreneurs not just the
(08:45):
ones that claim that they'reentrepreneurs, but the men that
actually show up and arebuilding something is so fucking
hot to me, like swoon.
So I saw that and, like I said,very specific.
So obviously I swiped right forhim, didn't really think
(09:06):
anything of it Just when I wasswiping.
I was being intentional of thetype of men that I was looking
for.
So you know, I think wemessaged a little bit back and
forth and nothing really came ofit, like we never met up or
(09:27):
anything.
And I think it was around thenew year and around the new year
I went to Miami with my cousinto celebrate.
And my cousin's beautiful.
We look a little bit similarlike blonde, tall.
You know, we have some goodgenes, if I might say so myself,
(09:52):
and she's a beautiful woman andjust like so confident in
herself.
So, being around her in Miami,I watched her approach men and
you know she would take thefirst step forward and approach
them and be like so outgoing andopen to being seen by these men
(10:17):
that she was interested in that.
I really took notes from thatbecause it was working out well
for her and I was like if shecan shoot her shot and have the
confidence to do it, I certainlycan do it as well.
So you know, it was the new year, a new start.
(10:37):
I had just gotten back fromMiami.
I was feeling like a little bitlonely and I was like I really
want my person but, like I said,I'm specific.
So I was like fuck it.
And I went to Instagram becauseI had started following him on
Instagram and I sent him a DMand I was like, hey, I think you
(11:02):
should take me on a date thisyear, which, you know, I kind of
love that for myself.
I don't think there's anythingwrong with that.
We've even had guests say theystarted dating their significant
other because she was a femaleand she shot her shot.
Shout out, matthew, I owe me.
(11:24):
He was on here.
His girlfriend is a badass.
She did that.
Props to her.
And he messaged me back prettyquick and he was like hey, cass,
like that's really sweet, butI'm actually not interested in
dating this year.
I'm trying to focus on mybusiness.
(11:45):
And even that I think like alight bulb went off in my head
because I'm like, damn, this isso inspiring that this man is so
focused on his business and hiscareer, and I feel like you
find that so often where someonehas that goal oriented focus on
(12:07):
where they want to be, and Ijust was so fascinated with him
being an entrepreneur that Ithink I just messaged him back
and said something about oh,that's cool, you know, like what
do you do in the e-commercespace, because I used to play in
it as well.
(12:28):
Long story short like the manends up calling me, we talk for
three hours.
The first time we talked on thephone and I remember even then
hanging up and being like wow,because I don't talk to people
on the phone for three hours?
Like, just like his time isimportant.
(12:52):
As an entrepreneur, my time isimportant too, and I just
thought it was so beautiful thatjust even over a phone call, we
had that type of connection.
And so, you know, that happenedand it turned out like a few
weeks later we ended up going ona date and you know he came and
(13:17):
picked me up and we went andhad coffee and I remember the
first time, sitting in his carand making eye contact, and I
still remember this moment.
I just looked into his eyes andI felt something and like they
say that like love at firstsight isn't real or anything,
but I just looked at him and itwas like this knowing feeling,
(13:40):
like I felt like I had knownthis person for a long time.
It was so bizarre but with himbeing like so successful, there
was like this little girl insideof me that felt like I needed
(14:00):
to prove my worth to this manfor whatever reason, and I don't
know why I didn't think I wasgood enough or whatever, but I
just felt like I had to be on myA game with him.
Like I really looked at him aslike top 1% of men in every
(14:21):
aspect, like career focused,tall, probably made you know
over X amount of money, just alot of things that I don't think
you find very often.
So with him I always wanted toput my best foot forward and
show up as the best version ofme as possible, but I feel like
(14:43):
we all do that anyway.
When you first meet someone,you're always gonna put your you
know your best foot forward.
And it was scary for me hangingaround him, because dating guys
that looked like him and weretall wasn't new to me, but
(15:05):
dating someone that had drive,like that was, and you know, I
kind of had some concerns justright off the bat.
I'm like a guy like this canhave any woman he wants is a
thing that I kept telling myself, not remembering that a woman
(15:25):
that looks like this can haveanyone she wants, right.
So kind of forgetting that selflove piece even then and
putting him a little bit more onthe pedestal than myself, and I
do believe that women shouldalways be on the pedestal.
(15:47):
I think that men should pursueyou.
Being a woman is so beautifuland if the men pursue us, we
will give you everything youknow.
So it's, I believe it's for mento pursue, and so I was kind of
(16:10):
leaning with that mindset andthings were moving really slowly
with him, but I was trying tolet him do the pursuing with me,
and so we went on our firstdate and we just aligned on so
many things.
(16:30):
Like we went around Austin,like looking at homes, which
that's something I love to do.
Being big into manifesting islike looking at homes that I
could like potentially live inand seeing what my life would
look like.
And he said something to meabout like all he wanted was
(16:51):
like to have Christmas and likebe sitting on the couch with his
family with a Christmas tree.
And I feel like my heart justlike stopped because it's like
everything that I ever wanted,like the same thing, and I don't
(17:11):
know I just was so invested inthis in almost like an unhealthy
way, like there were like weeksthat went by where we wouldn't
see each other and I just keptfocusing so hard on myself and I
would just like work harder atthe gym and I would write little
(17:33):
sticky notes of like self loveand look in the mirror because I
feel like finding him andfinding what I thought was
everything I wanted.
It really was like looking inthe mirror and making sure that
I like was showing up as thebest version of myself.
(17:53):
So there was something reallybeautiful about me, just like
pushing, pushing, pushing myselfto show up and encompass that.
But there was another piece tothat.
That was like this game playing, where we would go like a few
weeks without talking and Iwould play the game.
(18:13):
But what I was truly doing waslike kind of suppressing my
emotions and my emotional needswith this person.
And I don't think that's selflove okay, it definitely is not.
Let me tell you, it did notfeel good.
It felt like I was like abottle that you shake of soda,
(18:36):
just like ready, ready, so readyto just like implode.
And so when he finally did askme out again, I was so excited
because I had been playing thegame.
But all I wanted to do was seehim in person and we ended up
(19:00):
going to this like masqueradeball together and I drank a
little bit too much at themasquerade ball and I feel like
all of my hesitations towardsthis man just came up right away
.
Like being around him, I reallybelieve that I'm very intuitive
(19:27):
and can fill energy and I meanI was dressed to the tens at
this masquerade ball, likebeautiful ball gown, like
crystal mask, like I'm reallytall.
I know that I looked reallywell dressed and I was there
with this man and I felt hisenergy shift.
When another woman walked in, Ijust felt his energy go to her
(19:53):
and I sensed right away I waslike something's going on there,
and so what ended up happeningis he spent about 20 minutes
talking to this woman while Iwas interacting with some other
people and I just I lost it.
(20:14):
I got to the point where I feltlike my energy wasn't being
respected.
I wasn't being respected.
It was so soon in the beginningof this.
I was like I'm putting aboundary in place.
This is not how I want to betreated, and I literally
contemplated getting an Uber and, just like Irish, exiting, not
(20:35):
saying bye and just going home.
But I think when I tried to dothat, I walked out the door and
he saw that I was trying toleave.
So he came over and talked tome and it's not to say that he
necessarily did anything wrong.
It was, more so a hard boundaryfor me, cause I don't want that
(21:01):
in my relationship.
I don't even though I want aman that's like successful.
I don't want someone that needshis ego fed and needs multiple
women, and so it was a choicefor me to walk away, even if
there was some alcohol involved.
(21:22):
And, you know, those suppressedemotions just kind of came up at
that point.
It was weird too, because Ialways think about this because
we were standing outside thevenue of this masquerade ball
and we're both wearing masks andI was looking at this person,
(21:44):
cause at this point, I hadalready developed really deep
and I was like I'm gonna go andget a mask, I'm gonna get a mask
.
I was like I'm gonna get a mask, I'm gonna get a mask.
I was like I'm gonna get a maskand cause, at this point, I had
already developed really deepfeelings for this person.
We had spent hours talking onthe phone, getting to know each
(22:05):
other like hours, and there'ssomething cool about that,
because it almost felt like alove is blind situation, because
this man had not even touchedmy body, but I felt like he had
touched my soul because I feltthat emotional, intellectual
(22:27):
connection with him.
And then when we went outsideand I was telling him how I felt
about him talking to that womanand putting his attention there
it wasn't even out of a placeof insecurity it was me telling
him look, I feel a lot offeelings for you and this is how
(22:48):
I feel about you.
And I feel like he was lookingback at me with, like, a mask on
and he was wearing a mask.
But it's not even that.
It was like there was novulnerability or expression
there.
And that's when I realized thatmaybe this person is not
(23:10):
emotionally available.
And that was tough, like Ireally, and even in that moment
I felt like I had broken my ownheart for putting someone on the
pedestal, creating a fantasy ofthis person in my head, and I
(23:32):
just went home and bawled myeyes out and cried and it was
terrible because I felt so muchcare for this person because of
myself, because I was choosingto care about this person, that
it was devastating to me and Ithink that just even I just
(23:53):
wanted to share that storybecause it kind of ties, like
how self love like influencesour romantic relationships,
because I don't feel like withthis person I didn't fall for
him because I was lonely.
(24:14):
It was like I saw the good inhim.
I truly saw the good in him.
And there's this saying abouthow you shop at the grocery
store when you're hungry rightLike, you'll put anything in
your cart so you'll buy theSkittles and the M&Ms and the
chocolate, the ice cream.
(24:36):
If you're me and you're notputting the healthy stuff, like
you'll just take whatever isthere.
And I think that relates tolove as well.
Right Like, if you're starving,you're gonna take some half ass
love.
Or if you're for me, at thattime I was blocking out all
(24:57):
these other guys that weretrying to date me and I was
putting my focus on one.
But when you're doing that andyou're only getting, your source
is one source, right Like.
It's like shopping at thegrocery store when you are
hungry and I don't think it wasbecause I was lost or anything
(25:21):
with this person it's like Isaid, I saw the good in him, but
the good was already inside ofme and I mean it kills me
because I spent so much timewhen I was waiting for his love
or his affection or hisattention, writing these sticky
(25:42):
notes and putting them on mymirror, like the affirmations
and stuff.
And I think the mirror andwe've talked about the mirror on
this podcast before it's such areflection.
Anytime you're seeing someone,the good you see in them is the
good that's in you.
So for me, this person therewas like this.
(26:04):
I looked at him with such awebecause he had accomplished
everything with his businessthat I felt like I had felt to
do in certain ways, and I justthink I was so fascinated by the
fact that he was like anentrepreneur and could
(26:25):
accomplish these things.
But there's no reason that Ican't do the same right, like
the same thing is inside of me.
So it was such a learningmoment for me just to put myself
back on the pedestal and showup for myself.
(26:47):
I do think the good thing fromthis situation is I pushed
myself hard right, and when Iwas pushing myself hard, what I
was doing accidentally wasbecoming this even greater
version of myself, like fitter,eating healthier, dressing
better, doing my makeup better.
(27:09):
So it ended up being a slightversion of self-love within
itself and I mean I think thereare some like misconceptions
even around self-love, becauseloving yourself is not
narcissistic.
And I've had this own strugglewith myself lately because I
(27:35):
feel really good about me andhow I've been showing up in the
woman that I've become, and I'vestarted to share that a little
bit more with the world.
I've been making these littlereels of myself and sharing them
on my Instagram.
I obviously put myself outthere with my podcast and
(27:55):
sometimes I'll have these likefleeting thoughts.
I'm like are these people likethinking that I'm just like
obsessed with myself and like anarcissist, putting my face
everywhere?
And I'm like loving yourself?
If you don't love yourself,like who's gonna be your own
(28:17):
cheerleader?
So I just started like puttingmyself out there and being the
woman that I want to be, and noteveryone's gonna like that and
that's okay.
I think the other thing I wantedto talk about, like whether
it's in relationships or dating,is there's like a perception
(28:41):
versus reality play.
That kind of can happen and Ithink you know I know we do this
as women.
Sometimes we fantasize who wethink someone is without knowing
their true colors, and I wastelling my mom this story the
(29:04):
other day because a lot of theguys that I end up liking are a
little bit off Because I'malmost like a sapiosexual and
I'm really really like intopeople's, like mental, emotional
(29:24):
.
So sometimes I'm just likereally attracted to like these
nerdy kind of weird guys becausethey're more interesting to me.
And then I feel like whathappens is, when I'm attracted
to these nerdy like kind of dorkguys, when they see that I've
(29:48):
fallen into their trap and thatthey've got me, I think it's
like this ego thing wherethey're like oh, I got her, now
I wanna go see who else I canget.
And I'm like yo, you're just anerd that I became fascinated
with.
Just because it worked on meDoesn't mean it's gonna work for
(30:09):
everyone.
So I just thought that wasfunny, because that's what I was
telling my mom.
But all that really plays intois I think some people will take
that and feed their ego.
And how I take it is how Iperceive you and how you're seen
(30:33):
through my eyes, which iswhat's really so beautiful about
the situation.
And so I think it's tough,because I hope I didn't
fantasize this person.
I do a vision board and a lot ofthe things that I wanted on my
(30:59):
vision board were very similarthings to what this person
wanted.
Like I do not want an averagelife, I want an immaculate life
and I want to build somethingwith someone that is so
beautiful and just even thefantasy of Disney princesses or
(31:24):
morally gray men like Christiangray or vampires or whatever
it's like.
If you love someone and youwant to build this really
beautiful life, it really can bea fairy tale.
If both of you are showing upand choosing that and you know,
(31:45):
like for me, maybe on thatvision board there's like a home
, but like a really beautifulhome and like children and like
a husband who like dresses niceand traveling and just this life
that's like so much greaterthan so.
(32:16):
I really felt like this personand I could do that together and
I think it was the first time Ireally felt like that way about
someone.
And there's this weird I'm weirdwith eye contact, but I felt
(32:37):
like if, when I look at thisperson, it's like I almost
didn't want to pull my eyes away.
I recognized this person.
I recognized their energy, notonly their energy, like the
essence of this person and notjust the shell, you know.
(32:58):
And spending hours and hourstalking on the phone with this
person I think allowed us bothto get to know each other really
well, and I think that's whatbeing loved is.
Being loved is being knownright, like whether it's my
(33:18):
middle name, which is CassandraJean, or the fact that I play
with my hair a lot, or I covermy mouth because I giggle way
too much and way toouncontrollably, or the fact that
I drink so many milligrams ofcaffeine that I should be having
a heart attack.
But if I'm sad, it's the onething that's gonna make me happy
(33:40):
and put me in a better mood.
And like it's so beautiful tobe seen by someone and they know
all these little things,whether it's the little freckles
on your shoulder or when you'rehaving a bad day, it's
beautiful.
That's what love is.
But you wanna fall in love withsomeone who wants you back too
(34:05):
at the same time, someone whowaits for you and someone who
loves your wild right.
And I was trying to put my bestfoot forward.
But there's this reallybeautiful chaotic side of me.
(34:26):
One of my best friends evencalls me like a wild horse, and
I think it's like thatSagittarius, fire sign, energy,
and I really relate to fire in alot of ways, because I am soft
and I am sweet, but I am alsofucking fierce and that's how I
(34:48):
think about a flame and a fire.
And I don't want someone thatjust loves me for the facade
right Of Barbie doll, stepfordwife.
Even if I want to look that wayappearance-wise, there's still
(35:09):
like this messiness inside of me, like I'm not a perfect robot.
So I want someone who loves mywild as well.
And I think what's hard isbecause I was a little bit lost,
because I was holding space forthis person, because I didn't
(35:32):
understand how I could feel thisway about someone and them not
feel the same way, because in my29 years of life it's not that
easy to find people that thinkthe same way as you, want the
same things and want to buildsomething almost identical to
the way that you do.
(35:53):
But I got to a point where Iwas sacrificing my self-love and
my boundaries and it's like youcan give people some space,
because no one's perfect rightand I think that's fair.
(36:14):
So it's like giving peoplegrace while kind of removing
yourself from their dysfunction,because if they don't know what
they want, there's no reasonfor you to sit there.
Because I even did a reallyvulnerable thing with this
(36:43):
person.
I looked at them and I said Ilove you and it felt kind of
crazy to say that, but you knowit's more just like I love you.
But I see the inconsistency ofyour decisions and I can't
handle my life that way, likeI'm too old to be Playing games.
(37:08):
So I've had to set a boundary inthat situation and I think
Boundaries can protect ourwell-being while still allowing
for compassion and empathy,because I have a really hard
time with this, like I don'twant to ever shut someone out
(37:29):
who's Hurting, and you know I'llthink to myself well, it's not
really hurting me, but when I'msuppressing my emotions, I don't
think I'm being good to myself.
You know, and I think that'sjust part of the whole thing is
trusting the process andself-love and seeing beyond the
(37:54):
fantasy and relationships ingeneral.
Is Trusting the process right?
Because I cry about this allthe time, like I'm gonna be dead
serious.
I cry about it all the time.
I have so many things in my lifethat I've wanted and worked out
the way that I've worked reallyhard to have them, whether it's
(38:15):
my career or my fitness.
But I can't control a partner,right?
Like I found someone who Ithought was perfect for me and
they're choosing to not love meback and that sucks and that is
so fucking out of my Control.
(38:36):
So all I can do is trust theprocess and know that I think
God has my back and I always saythis and I say this you know,
when I've had Old girlfriendsthat tried to steal someone I
was dating, I really don't givea fuck, because whatever is
(38:57):
meant for me is meant for me andwhatever is not meant for you
will pass you by right.
And I think if the other thingtoo, and this kind of fucked me
up in this situation is, if itis worth it, it will come back.
And I felt like this man cameback around and I thought that
(39:24):
this time he was actually gonnanot drop the ball and that's not
what happened.
So I've had to choose To bethere for myself, to pour that
love back into myself and putmyself back on the pedestal.
And it's not always easy,because sometimes I think to
(39:47):
myself how am I gonna find thisagain?
And you know I know I will,because I have faith that my
life is gonna get so much betterthan when it even is.
It's like that vision boardfairy tale.
I'm showing up as a woman onthat board, so I'm sure that my
(40:10):
life is gonna align that way aswell, and I want to do another
episode on that as well justaround self love, because not
even just self love, but justshowing up for yourself.
And self care, because I and Iwant to do another episode on
(40:33):
that and just like self care,because, looking at my vision
board, I became the woman that Iwanted to be and that's what I
can control, and there's so manythings that you can do with
like Self love, self care, toget yourself to that point, and
(40:53):
I really want to talk about howI did that.
So I'm gonna do an episode onthat as well.
But, yeah, I just want toremind you that you know you can
have so much self love and pourinto yourself and do all of the
good things and self care, andbut if you're not having
(41:14):
boundaries and you're notprotecting yourself, then you're
not showing yourself self love.
And anytime you feel yourselfsway off the pedestal, just
remember to put yourself back on, because it's you can't do
anything Until you have yourselfon the pedestal, whether that's
(41:42):
finding your partner showing upin a relationship.
You have to pour into your cupfirst.
So I'm gonna do a little bit ofself care, and then I'm gonna
show you how to do that.
So I think the thing to takeaway is true connection begins
with love and understandingourselves and just stay curious
(42:04):
and keep evolving.
And I know that there's acouple of books that have really
helped me, just not onlydealing with this process but In
general, and one of them isbreaking the habit of being
yourself by Dr Joe Dispenza,really well-known book, but I
(42:28):
think it's so profound formanifestation and remembering
that we're just made up of atomsand atoms are energy and you
can shift your energy at anytime, whether it's to shift your
energy for self-love,relationships, manifesting,
(42:49):
getting that vision boardaccomplished.
And then the other one isattached by a mere Levine and
this one, you know, really playsinto attachment styles.
You know which there's like ananxious attachment style and
(43:11):
that's someone who needs a lotmore attention when being
pursued in a relationship.
And then there's an avoidantand that's someone who kind of
pulls away more when you showaffection.
And then there's just, I thinkI don't know what the middle
ground is, but there are peoplewho are neutral and have just
like a healthy attachment style.
(43:35):
But for me, in this, my journeywith this situation ship, I
danced around with this idea alot because I was like is this
person that I'm interested in?
Is he just an avoidantattachment style?
And even that I was trying tohold space for.
(43:55):
But I should have put up myboundaries quicker.
And I think this book does helpus for those situations when
you do feel like someone pullsaway when you're Showing your
emotions, and it also helps youkind of understand what type of
Attachment style you are like.
(44:17):
For me personally, it's weirdlike I feel like the one person
when I really like Focus on oneperson.
I'm such an anxious attachmentstyle and I'm not even sure they
see it.
I just internalize it with likeall these thoughts.
And then I found with the othermen that I'm just more casually
(44:38):
dating.
I'm very avoidant.
So it's such, a such aninteresting book just trying To
understand yourself and yourattachment style.
So I highly recommend and, likeI said, this one's.
This one was difficult for me todo, just Putting myself out
(44:59):
there and sharing this story andknowing that he might hear it.
I put a lot of things on myselfas well in terms of Wanting to
be a high value woman and whatthat looks like, and I beat
myself up so many times Thinkingthat, like high value women
(45:21):
have like no social mediapresence.
They don't share anything, theydon't put themselves out there.
But I think I would be doing adisservice to the world if I
didn't share my story, which ismy form of art, and so I'm just
gonna keep doing that and Ithink there's something
beautiful about me being able toShare myself with the listeners
(45:47):
, with you guys, and put myselfout there.
So I think that's gonna wrap upthis episode.
But he was definitely a hotterin my Toulouse Roger's not here
so I can't have him say it'sgoing down, but you guys know
(46:07):
every Thursday it's going down.
You know I'm really thankful,too, that our podcast is
sponsored by Thursday dating app, which is a dating app that is
so unconventional because itgets you the fuck off dating
apps.
And you know, every Thursdaythere's events going on in
(46:30):
Austin At different barslocations I think last week was
at the cauldron but you get togo and meet people in person,
which I feel like is reallyBeautiful and something I'm
passionate about.
So I just have to say thank youto our sponsors, not only for
sponsoring the podcast but forChanging the dating scene in
(46:54):
Austin, because the dating scenehere needs some help and some
love.
Anyways, you guys know where tostalk us.
It's at in the lobby pod onInstagram and TikTok.
We also have the full videoepisodes on YouTube, which is
really cool to watch.
You can see my crazy facialexpressions because I have no
(47:17):
fucking poker face.
And then you can follow mypersonal Instagram at pain in my
cast, because I'm always yourfavorite pain in the ass.
So I appreciate you guyslistening.
Bye.
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