October 17, 2024 • 16 mins
In this episode of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast, I respond to an email from Nicola, a parent struggling with her six-year-old son who resists reflective feelings and limit-setting techniques, often becoming aggressive. Nicola also has a younger son who responds well to these strategies, adding to her frustration. I explain why this behavior is a typical power and control struggle, and how her son's resistance is rooted in his discomfort with change. I offer practical advice on how to approach these situations with patience and consistency, emphasizing that new parenting strategies often trigger discomfort, but that tenacity and clear limits can help the child adjust over time.
I also discuss the importance of setting consequences at neutral times, reflecting feelings even when the child resists, and recognizing when a child is emotionally "drowning." With persistence and the right approach, children will eventually learn self-control and self-regulation. Lastly, I normalize the experience of having two children with opposite temperaments, especially when they are close in age.
Ask Me Questions: Call (813) 812-5525, or email: brenna@thekidcounselor.com
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Common References:
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where
I give you insight awareness and
enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode. I am answering a question from Nicola
(00:23):
and her question
is about one of her children not responding to
the CCPT the child-centered play therapy approach
as easily as the other
and just some questions around what if you try to use these play therapy principles
and the child doesn't seem to be
deceptive to them.
So, Nicola,
(00:43):
thank you so much for the email for those of you that
might have some specific questions that you would like me to answer.
Please email me brenna@thekidcounselor.com, Brenna with two Ns
or you can leave a voicemail on our call in number if you're in the States,
which is 813-812-5525.
And Nicola is asking about what to do when it seems like
(01:06):
there's just no reception on behalf of the child when these skills are used.
So I'll read parts of her email and then we'll dive in.
I've recently been listening to your parenting podcasts.
I've heard some of these methods before
and I'm trying to implement them. But I have difficulty with my eldest
when I try to do reflective feelings, limits or choices.
As soon as I open my mouth to say these things, he just shouts no repeatedly.
(01:29):
So I can't be heard or covers his ears and says, no stupid.
You're an idiot hits kicks, et cetera.
I explain things in calm moments but then in the next outburst it happens again.
He shouts, doesn't want to hear things gets aggressive and so on.
What can I do? He's six and he has always been my tricky child.
I also have another boy who's three.
I don't have issues with and who is much more placid and calm.
(01:52):
We get a lot of sibling fighting and arguing as much as I try to put these into play.
It seems we have a daily battle,
please. Can you help?
I'm drained and my brain is constantly trying to
pre empt or deal with conflicts all the time
and remember the right things to do and say constantly,
but I'm struggling to get hurt.
All right, Nicola,
thank you so much for the email and
(02:12):
thanks for your vulnerability to share the struggles and
trust me. You're in very good company.
I think that that's probably one of the most consistent questions that I'm asked.
Not only in my
private parent coaching, but even in the parents that are at my center
and then the listeners to the podcast as well. That's a very consistent concern.
(02:33):
And point of confusion is I'm trying to use these new skills and
the child just will not receive them.
They won't tolerate them, they get mad, they tell me to stop.
That's a very, very consistent problem. So, thank you so much for the email.
So let's just talk about some practical considerations. First.
I think the first thing that's helpful to keep in mind is anything that's new is hard.
(02:56):
So, Nicola, you have been listening to this,
you've been trying to implement these new strategies,
use these new skills and tools.
It's hard for you. You mentioned it.
You said I'm constantly struggling and I'm drained and my
brain is always trying to figure out what to say
new is hard.
But I think what we often forget as an adult is because
we're rational and we're cognitive and we think our way through things,
(03:20):
it's a different
awareness than a child who is dealing with this. This is new for the child too.
Your six year old,
every time you respond in a new way,
it catches him off guard
and he feels uncomfortable and he feels confused
and he doesn't like it because new is hard
and change is hard.
(03:41):
So historically, if you would have responded in one way, that is standard for him,
that is default for him and that is safe.
So now you're using these new approaches and you're using
these new strategies and not only is it hard,
but it makes him uncomfortable
because he doesn't know how he's supposed to respond because
you're not responding the way that you used to see.
(04:03):
There's predictability if you do what you've always done
because then he can do what he's always done.
You're changing things. So he's going, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mom's doing something completely different. Now, what am I supposed to do?
New is always hard. So I think there's just a transition period
and an adjustment period that naturally works itself out.
(04:23):
So I guess my encouragement to you there is tenacity will always serve you.
You just have to stick it out
and then also keep in mind what you're describing is this
is 100% a power and control grab on his part.
So when he starts screaming, when he covers his ears, when he says no,
when he says you're stupid,
(04:44):
you're an idiot when he gets aggressive when all of these things are taking place.
This is his emotional and behavioral demonstration
of, I feel that I have no measure of control right now.
So I'm going to grasp at any measure of power that I can take,
which of course means he's going to refuse to let you talk
because you have the power and control.
(05:06):
If you are calmly saying things to him
and he doesn't like it,
we have to recognize root cause before we know how to best address it.
So this is a power and control issue
once we recognize that and we acknowledge that new is hard and change is hard.
So this requires patience.
Those are the first two things that I think kind of
set the the stage and the framework for everything else.
(05:29):
So here are a couple of thoughts that I have to help.
You're going to want to reflect his feelings as he is fighting this.
And I know you said as soon as I try to reflect feelings, he starts doing this,
but it doesn't mean that we stop.
In other words,
he is frustrated,
he's irritated,
he's annoyed, he's upset.
(05:50):
There's all kinds of options we have here based on what you're describing.
So we're going to reflect that
and we say it softly
quietly and gently,
you're irritated that I'm
giving you a choice or
you're upset that
I said that you were angry.
So we're very quiet, we're very calm, we're very gentle,
(06:14):
but we have to reflect his feeling there because a couple of reasons, one,
it diffuses the intensity of the emotion and I know you're gonna say no,
it actually ramps it up.
I promise you internally,
it diffuses the intensity because he feels heard and understood.
He doesn't like it.
So he's showing you that he doesn't like it,
but it does diffuse the intensity of the emotion.
(06:34):
So you have to trust in that
and then second of all, it helps him build an emotional vocabulary
so that he at some point will be able to tell you how
he's feeling rather than emotionally and behaviorally show you how he's feeling.
It develops emotional vocabulary.
That's the only way that a child can self control.
Those are very, very important outcomes,
(06:56):
which is why we want to reflect feelings even when kids don't like it.
Another helpful thought
rule of thumb that is in the coaching program
that I provide is when a child is drowning,
it's not the time to teach him to swim.
So if he is so escalated and so ramped up and
so upheaved that he is just completely overwhelmed with emotion,
(07:18):
it may not be an appropriate time to say anything
because if he's drowning, it's not the time to teach him to swim.
So sometimes we have to wait
10 seconds, 30 seconds, 60 seconds, several minutes
before the child has de escalated enough
that their brain has re engaged.
We've talked about that a lot in earlier episodes.
(07:40):
So if you're new to the parenting podcast, so glad you're here. Welcome.
Please go back and listen to earlier episodes because everything that
we're talking about now builds on stuff that we've already discussed.
And this is season two, you can always go back to season one.
There are so many episodes in season one
that also support what we're talking through.
So just be mindful that when a child is drowning.
It's not the time to teach them to swim. What that essentially means is
(08:03):
we cannot expect a child to receive anything that we say
if their emotions have shut the brain off.
So sometimes Nicola, you might just have to give it a few seconds
before
you can say anything.
Now, here's the caveat.
You will always absolute on purpose, set a limit on aggression
(08:25):
if he gets aggressive. So if he is hitting, kicking,
punching whatever that always requires a limit and
that is even when the child is drowning.
So as soon as he gets aggressive,
you're going to immediately go through that three step process.
So you are really angry right now, but I am not for hitting
or
(08:45):
you are upset, but your brother is not for kicking.
Those are the first two pieces of that with a couple
of different scenarios and then you move to the choices.
You can choose to tell me that you're angry or you can choose to
calm down in your room, which do you choose?
Or you can choose to punch a pillow if you're OK with him, punching a pillow.
(09:06):
So there's all kinds of choices that can be worked in there.
But the point of that is
even if a child is drowning, we do not excuse unacceptable behavior,
feelings are always valid,
but sometimes behavior is unacceptable.
That is a non negotiable. We will always set a limit on aggression.
All right.
So now how do we do this? We're going to set expectations
(09:28):
at a neutral time.
And you said I try to explain things in calm moments,
but then the next outburst it happens again.
OK. So if we've gone through this several iterations already
as a general rule, we're going to set expectations three times.
And if the child three times is unwilling or unable to comply,
we move to ultimate limit, ultimate choice giving.
(09:49):
So in this scenario, you wait until it's a completely
independent, neutral time.
He's not tired, he's not hungry, he's not bored, he's not stressed,
he's not emotional.
Neither are you.
Everyone is. In best case scenario,
you sit down and I'm going to say his name is Brian because I have no idea.
So you're gonna say
(10:10):
Brian,
sometimes when you get upset,
you hurt people, you kick people, you hit people,
you hurt people,
we are never for hurting,
then you move to your ultimate. So
if you choose to get angry and you choose to hit kick bite, scratch,
(10:32):
whatever the behavior is,
you choose
negative consequence,
it has to be his currency. What matters to him?
Does it mean a lot to him to get dessert after dinner?
Does it mean a lot to him to have an hour to play with his friends after school?
Does it mean a lot to him to have a story before bedtime,
whatever the currency is, whatever matters, that's a motivation.
(10:57):
So you're going to go through validation
setting the neutral limit just like the limit setting process.
Brian, you get really angry
and you sometimes hurt people but people are never for hurting.
Your family is not for hurting.
We are not for hitting,
we are not for kicking however you want to word it but it has to be neutral.
Remember that
(11:17):
and then we move to the ultimate limit.
So if you choose to get angry and hurt us, kick us, hit us, punch us, scratch us,
bite us.
You choose not to have TV Time tonight.
If you choose to get angry and not hurt anyone, you choose to have TV, time tonight,
you set that expectation. You make sure that he understands,
(11:40):
it's proactive, it's pre emptive, it's not in the moment
you make sure he understands,
you make sure he knows.
And then
you wait to see what happens. So the next time he gets angry,
you wait to see if he is aggressive
and if he does not get aggressive, first of all, huge win,
(12:02):
that's an indication of self control and self responsibility,
self regulation.
So that's something we're celebrating
and you acknowledge it out loud,
Brian, you were really irritated but you chose not to hurt someone
and therefore you chose to have TV. Tonight
and you give him a high five
or he chooses to get aggressive, which is likely the case because it's
(12:25):
conditioned
habit right now.
Pattern of behavior that's been established. It's his default.
He doesn't think about it, he just does it. So the likelihood is he, will
you neutrally acknowledge that
Brian? You chose to hit your brother when you were angry.
So you've chosen not to have TV tonight,
he's going to scream and kick and escalate and it's gonna get infinitely worse
(12:49):
and you're going to continue to reflect feelings and
you're going to set limits if they're needed,
but he will not watch TV that night,
no matter how much he begs or cries or pleads or throws himself on the
floor and says he's never going to eat another thing until you give him TV.
And he'll starve himself to death.
Whatever the histrionics are, you're going to just continue to reflect.
(13:12):
You're really upset that you chose not to have TV, when you chose to hit your brother,
but you can choose to watch TV.
Tomorrow. If you choose not to hit him.
There is always a reminder that there's another opportunity.
You get another shot.
This is what you chose today, but you can choose something different tomorrow.
And Nicola, guess what happens?
(13:33):
He starts to self control and he starts to self regulate because he wants TV.
It matters to him.
It's not worth it. Hitting his brother is not worth losing TV.
This is why the currency matters because if you
use a currency that he doesn't really care about,
it won't be enough of a motivator.
So be purposeful. About that. But here's what's happening.
(13:54):
He is learning to self control and self regulate. He will adjust
if you continue to use these skills. Even when he doesn't like it,
even when he's fighting you on it, he will adjust. And sometimes what kids need
is to know why you're doing it because new
is weird unless you know that there's a rationale.
(14:14):
So when he fights you on reflecting his feeling, you can say,
hm, you don't like it when I
say that you're angry, but that's what I thought you were feeling.
And I wanted you to know that I understood that
there's a why
when you give choices. Hm, you don't like being given a choice but
you can choose what you want. It's important for you to be able to choose.
(14:40):
There has to be an explanation sometimes for a child so that they understand why
you're doing it because otherwise it's just like what in the world is going on?
Mom's acting all crazy lately.
But if you explain that there's reasons behind it,
they still don't like it but they accept it.
So he will adjust, he will accept it. You need to be persistent.
And I just wanted to throw this in because this was related,
(15:02):
you're describing a three year old son and a six year old son.
And I just wanted to normalize this for you.
And every parent listening is going to nod their head emphatically when I say this,
when you have same sex siblings close in age,
they're almost always polar opposites.
So when you say one is tricky and one is calm and placid, that is very normal. That's
quintessential birth order.
(15:25):
And we know that because your oldest has always been
the more volatile or tricky as you put it,
that means that the youngest child is going to be the
opposite because that one role has already been established and taken.
That is a very consistent thing that almost every family
notices if it's same sex siblings close in age.
So I just wanted to throw that out there for some normalization if nothing else,
(15:47):
Nicola.
So
anyway, thank you so much for the email. I hope this is helpful for all of you.
I hope that you are realizing. First of all, your struggles are universal
and children's behavior is universal and this is just the nature of being a parent.
But guess what?
You are investing in your parenting,
you are investing in your relationship with your kids by listening to this podcast,
(16:08):
every single episode,
you become a more effective parent and you're more confident in your parenting.
And that's the goal because when you have tools and you
have skills and you have strategies that you can use.
You feel more equipped and capable
and that's what this podcast is all about.
So,
thank you so much for being a part of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast family.
I really appreciate y'all. We'll talk again soon. Bye.
(16:30):
Thank you for listening
to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where
I give you insight awareness and
enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode. I am answering a question from Nicola
(00:23):
and her question
is about one of her children not responding to
the CCPT the child-centered play therapy approach
as easily as the other
and just some questions around what if you try to use these play therapy principles
and the child doesn't seem to be
deceptive to them.
So, Nicola,
(00:43):
thank you so much for the email for those of you that
might have some specific questions that you would like me to answer.
Please email me brenna@thekidcounselor.com, Brenna with two Ns
or you can leave a voicemail on our call in number if you're in the States,
which is 813-812-5525.
And Nicola is asking about what to do when it seems like
(01:06):
there's just no reception on behalf of the child when these skills are used.
So I'll read parts of her email and then we'll dive in.
I've recently been listening to your parenting podcasts.
I've heard some of these methods before
and I'm trying to implement them. But I have difficulty with my eldest
when I try to do reflective feelings, limits or choices.
As soon as I open my mouth to say these things, he just shouts no repeatedly.
(01:29):
So I can't be heard or covers his ears and says, no stupid.
You're an idiot hits kicks, et cetera.
I explain things in calm moments but then in the next outburst it happens again.
He shouts, doesn't want to hear things gets aggressive and so on.
What can I do? He's six and he has always been my tricky child.
I also have another boy who's three.
I don't have issues with and who is much more placid and calm.
(01:52):
We get a lot of sibling fighting and arguing as much as I try to put these into play.
It seems we have a daily battle,
please. Can you help?
I'm drained and my brain is constantly trying to
pre empt or deal with conflicts all the time
and remember the right things to do and say constantly,
but I'm struggling to get hurt.
All right, Nicola,
thank you so much for the email and
(02:12):
thanks for your vulnerability to share the struggles and
trust me. You're in very good company.
I think that that's probably one of the most consistent questions that I'm asked.
Not only in my
private parent coaching, but even in the parents that are at my center
and then the listeners to the podcast as well. That's a very consistent concern.
(02:33):
And point of confusion is I'm trying to use these new skills and
the child just will not receive them.
They won't tolerate them, they get mad, they tell me to stop.
That's a very, very consistent problem. So, thank you so much for the email.
So let's just talk about some practical considerations. First.
I think the first thing that's helpful to keep in mind is anything that's new is hard.
(02:56):
So, Nicola, you have been listening to this,
you've been trying to implement these new strategies,
use these new skills and tools.
It's hard for you. You mentioned it.
You said I'm constantly struggling and I'm drained and my
brain is always trying to figure out what to say
new is hard.
But I think what we often forget as an adult is because
we're rational and we're cognitive and we think our way through things,
(03:20):
it's a different
awareness than a child who is dealing with this. This is new for the child too.
Your six year old,
every time you respond in a new way,
it catches him off guard
and he feels uncomfortable and he feels confused
and he doesn't like it because new is hard
and change is hard.
(03:41):
So historically, if you would have responded in one way, that is standard for him,
that is default for him and that is safe.
So now you're using these new approaches and you're using
these new strategies and not only is it hard,
but it makes him uncomfortable
because he doesn't know how he's supposed to respond because
you're not responding the way that you used to see.
(04:03):
There's predictability if you do what you've always done
because then he can do what he's always done.
You're changing things. So he's going, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mom's doing something completely different. Now, what am I supposed to do?
New is always hard. So I think there's just a transition period
and an adjustment period that naturally works itself out.
(04:23):
So I guess my encouragement to you there is tenacity will always serve you.
You just have to stick it out
and then also keep in mind what you're describing is this
is 100% a power and control grab on his part.
So when he starts screaming, when he covers his ears, when he says no,
when he says you're stupid,
(04:44):
you're an idiot when he gets aggressive when all of these things are taking place.
This is his emotional and behavioral demonstration
of, I feel that I have no measure of control right now.
So I'm going to grasp at any measure of power that I can take,
which of course means he's going to refuse to let you talk
because you have the power and control.
(05:06):
If you are calmly saying things to him
and he doesn't like it,
we have to recognize root cause before we know how to best address it.
So this is a power and control issue
once we recognize that and we acknowledge that new is hard and change is hard.
So this requires patience.
Those are the first two things that I think kind of
set the the stage and the framework for everything else.
(05:29):
So here are a couple of thoughts that I have to help.
You're going to want to reflect his feelings as he is fighting this.
And I know you said as soon as I try to reflect feelings, he starts doing this,
but it doesn't mean that we stop.
In other words,
he is frustrated,
he's irritated,
he's annoyed, he's upset.
(05:50):
There's all kinds of options we have here based on what you're describing.
So we're going to reflect that
and we say it softly
quietly and gently,
you're irritated that I'm
giving you a choice or
you're upset that
I said that you were angry.
So we're very quiet, we're very calm, we're very gentle,
(06:14):
but we have to reflect his feeling there because a couple of reasons, one,
it diffuses the intensity of the emotion and I know you're gonna say no,
it actually ramps it up.
I promise you internally,
it diffuses the intensity because he feels heard and understood.
He doesn't like it.
So he's showing you that he doesn't like it,
but it does diffuse the intensity of the emotion.
(06:34):
So you have to trust in that
and then second of all, it helps him build an emotional vocabulary
so that he at some point will be able to tell you how
he's feeling rather than emotionally and behaviorally show you how he's feeling.
It develops emotional vocabulary.
That's the only way that a child can self control.
Those are very, very important outcomes,
(06:56):
which is why we want to reflect feelings even when kids don't like it.
Another helpful thought
rule of thumb that is in the coaching program
that I provide is when a child is drowning,
it's not the time to teach him to swim.
So if he is so escalated and so ramped up and
so upheaved that he is just completely overwhelmed with emotion,
(07:18):
it may not be an appropriate time to say anything
because if he's drowning, it's not the time to teach him to swim.
So sometimes we have to wait
10 seconds, 30 seconds, 60 seconds, several minutes
before the child has de escalated enough
that their brain has re engaged.
We've talked about that a lot in earlier episodes.
(07:40):
So if you're new to the parenting podcast, so glad you're here. Welcome.
Please go back and listen to earlier episodes because everything that
we're talking about now builds on stuff that we've already discussed.
And this is season two, you can always go back to season one.
There are so many episodes in season one
that also support what we're talking through.
So just be mindful that when a child is drowning.
It's not the time to teach them to swim. What that essentially means is
(08:03):
we cannot expect a child to receive anything that we say
if their emotions have shut the brain off.
So sometimes Nicola, you might just have to give it a few seconds
before
you can say anything.
Now, here's the caveat.
You will always absolute on purpose, set a limit on aggression
(08:25):
if he gets aggressive. So if he is hitting, kicking,
punching whatever that always requires a limit and
that is even when the child is drowning.
So as soon as he gets aggressive,
you're going to immediately go through that three step process.
So you are really angry right now, but I am not for hitting
or
(08:45):
you are upset, but your brother is not for kicking.
Those are the first two pieces of that with a couple
of different scenarios and then you move to the choices.
You can choose to tell me that you're angry or you can choose to
calm down in your room, which do you choose?
Or you can choose to punch a pillow if you're OK with him, punching a pillow.
(09:06):
So there's all kinds of choices that can be worked in there.
But the point of that is
even if a child is drowning, we do not excuse unacceptable behavior,
feelings are always valid,
but sometimes behavior is unacceptable.
That is a non negotiable. We will always set a limit on aggression.
All right.
So now how do we do this? We're going to set expectations
(09:28):
at a neutral time.
And you said I try to explain things in calm moments,
but then the next outburst it happens again.
OK. So if we've gone through this several iterations already
as a general rule, we're going to set expectations three times.
And if the child three times is unwilling or unable to comply,
we move to ultimate limit, ultimate choice giving.
(09:49):
So in this scenario, you wait until it's a completely
independent, neutral time.
He's not tired, he's not hungry, he's not bored, he's not stressed,
he's not emotional.
Neither are you.
Everyone is. In best case scenario,
you sit down and I'm going to say his name is Brian because I have no idea.
So you're gonna say
(10:10):
Brian,
sometimes when you get upset,
you hurt people, you kick people, you hit people,
you hurt people,
we are never for hurting,
then you move to your ultimate. So
if you choose to get angry and you choose to hit kick bite, scratch,
(10:32):
whatever the behavior is,
you choose
negative consequence,
it has to be his currency. What matters to him?
Does it mean a lot to him to get dessert after dinner?
Does it mean a lot to him to have an hour to play with his friends after school?
Does it mean a lot to him to have a story before bedtime,
whatever the currency is, whatever matters, that's a motivation.
(10:57):
So you're going to go through validation
setting the neutral limit just like the limit setting process.
Brian, you get really angry
and you sometimes hurt people but people are never for hurting.
Your family is not for hurting.
We are not for hitting,
we are not for kicking however you want to word it but it has to be neutral.
Remember that
(11:17):
and then we move to the ultimate limit.
So if you choose to get angry and hurt us, kick us, hit us, punch us, scratch us,
bite us.
You choose not to have TV Time tonight.
If you choose to get angry and not hurt anyone, you choose to have TV, time tonight,
you set that expectation. You make sure that he understands,
(11:40):
it's proactive, it's pre emptive, it's not in the moment
you make sure he understands,
you make sure he knows.
And then
you wait to see what happens. So the next time he gets angry,
you wait to see if he is aggressive
and if he does not get aggressive, first of all, huge win,
(12:02):
that's an indication of self control and self responsibility,
self regulation.
So that's something we're celebrating
and you acknowledge it out loud,
Brian, you were really irritated but you chose not to hurt someone
and therefore you chose to have TV. Tonight
and you give him a high five
or he chooses to get aggressive, which is likely the case because it's
(12:25):
conditioned
habit right now.
Pattern of behavior that's been established. It's his default.
He doesn't think about it, he just does it. So the likelihood is he, will
you neutrally acknowledge that
Brian? You chose to hit your brother when you were angry.
So you've chosen not to have TV tonight,
he's going to scream and kick and escalate and it's gonna get infinitely worse
(12:49):
and you're going to continue to reflect feelings and
you're going to set limits if they're needed,
but he will not watch TV that night,
no matter how much he begs or cries or pleads or throws himself on the
floor and says he's never going to eat another thing until you give him TV.
And he'll starve himself to death.
Whatever the histrionics are, you're going to just continue to reflect.
(13:12):
You're really upset that you chose not to have TV, when you chose to hit your brother,
but you can choose to watch TV.
Tomorrow. If you choose not to hit him.
There is always a reminder that there's another opportunity.
You get another shot.
This is what you chose today, but you can choose something different tomorrow.
And Nicola, guess what happens?
(13:33):
He starts to self control and he starts to self regulate because he wants TV.
It matters to him.
It's not worth it. Hitting his brother is not worth losing TV.
This is why the currency matters because if you
use a currency that he doesn't really care about,
it won't be enough of a motivator.
So be purposeful. About that. But here's what's happening.
(13:54):
He is learning to self control and self regulate. He will adjust
if you continue to use these skills. Even when he doesn't like it,
even when he's fighting you on it, he will adjust. And sometimes what kids need
is to know why you're doing it because new
is weird unless you know that there's a rationale.
(14:14):
So when he fights you on reflecting his feeling, you can say,
hm, you don't like it when I
say that you're angry, but that's what I thought you were feeling.
And I wanted you to know that I understood that
there's a why
when you give choices. Hm, you don't like being given a choice but
you can choose what you want. It's important for you to be able to choose.
(14:40):
There has to be an explanation sometimes for a child so that they understand why
you're doing it because otherwise it's just like what in the world is going on?
Mom's acting all crazy lately.
But if you explain that there's reasons behind it,
they still don't like it but they accept it.
So he will adjust, he will accept it. You need to be persistent.
And I just wanted to throw this in because this was related,
(15:02):
you're describing a three year old son and a six year old son.
And I just wanted to normalize this for you.
And every parent listening is going to nod their head emphatically when I say this,
when you have same sex siblings close in age,
they're almost always polar opposites.
So when you say one is tricky and one is calm and placid, that is very normal. That's
quintessential birth order.
(15:25):
And we know that because your oldest has always been
the more volatile or tricky as you put it,
that means that the youngest child is going to be the
opposite because that one role has already been established and taken.
That is a very consistent thing that almost every family
notices if it's same sex siblings close in age.
So I just wanted to throw that out there for some normalization if nothing else,
(15:47):
Nicola.
So
anyway, thank you so much for the email. I hope this is helpful for all of you.
I hope that you are realizing. First of all, your struggles are universal
and children's behavior is universal and this is just the nature of being a parent.
But guess what?
You are investing in your parenting,
you are investing in your relationship with your kids by listening to this podcast,
(16:08):
every single episode,
you become a more effective parent and you're more confident in your parenting.
And that's the goal because when you have tools and you
have skills and you have strategies that you can use.
You feel more equipped and capable
and that's what this podcast is all about.
So,
thank you so much for being a part of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast family.
I really appreciate y'all. We'll talk again soon. Bye.
(16:30):
Thank you for listening
to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
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