December 2, 2024 • 12 mins
In this episode of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast, I respond to an email from Deborah in Florida, who is navigating several parenting challenges in a blended family. Deborah shares her experience raising two sons, ages 11 and 4, and the complexities of applying play therapy principles across different stages of development, varying household rules, and challenges like screen time and birth order dynamics. I provide practical advice for implementing consistent parenting strategies, managing screen time effectively, and helping her youngest son engage with choices and limits without power struggles.
I also address how birth order resets with a significant age gap between siblings and how this influences their personalities and dynamics. Whether you’re in a blended family or facing similar parenting dilemmas, this episode offers insights and strategies to help you build confidence in your parenting journey.
Ask Me Questions: Call (813) 812-5525, or email: brenna@thekidcounselor.com
Podcast HQ: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/
My Newsletter Signup: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/newsletter/
My Podcast Partner, Gabb Wireless: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/gabb/
Common References:
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode, I am answering a question from Deborah in Florida.
(00:23):
Hello to a fellow Floridian
and her question is about blended families. Number one,
about having two children in varying stages of development
and therefore responding to
play therapy approach differently
and also about some screen time and also about birth order.
(00:45):
So it's kind of a four for one kind of scenario here.
But Deborah, thank you so much for emailing me. Thank you for the question.
Thanks for
processing this with us.
And if you all have questions as well, I'd love to hear from you,
brenna@thekidcounselor.com
All right. So I'm going to read parts of Deborah's email and then I will
(01:05):
share some thoughts and we'll talk about this together.
I'm a recent addition to listening to your podcast,
but you've come to our church a couple of times
and spoken to us about the dangers of screens.
I'm writing to you to gain a little more
insight as I'm new to the play therapy approach.
I have two kids, both sons.
My oldest is 11 and my youngest is four.
(01:26):
My oldest has been hard to get used to
the play therapy approach because he has a more mature
demeanor and it has been easy over the years to talk to him a little more like an adult.
I came into his life when he was four and until he was six,
he was an only child between both households.
We have an agreement with his mom that he is
over there every weekend with his two younger siblings.
Now, four and five
(01:47):
and his step brother also four.
He's also at his grandparents' house at least two nights
a week due to my husband's and my work schedules
with the constant flux of homes and different rules.
It feels like an uphill climb trying to
implement pillars such as choices and limit setting.
What would be a way I can approach this knowing even though
he may act more maturely that he doesn't quite have abstract reasoning
(02:09):
and knowing that rules and limits change in the other homes.
So there's more to the email.
But let me pause there and we'll address what's been processed so far.
So first and foremost,
and this is helpful for all of you for all of you
that have children that go back and forth between two households and,
or even if you
are questioning, well, how am I going to implement rules that
(02:31):
are unique to play therapy in the home.
When anywhere else,
the child's not going to hear those same approaches and phrases and, and limits.
Here's what's really helpful to know
kids very
innately understand that rules change based on the environment.
So a really simple explanation for this is,
(02:52):
does your child expect that the same rules that they have to follow
at school are the exact same rules as are in your home?
Do they expect that when they go to karate
or baseball practice or whatever extracurricular activity they do
that the rules there are going to carry over to school or home.
And the answer is no,
they never think there's universality in rules because they understand
(03:16):
that every person has a different set of rules,
meaning whatever person is in authority,
every environment has a different set of rules
and the circumstances have different set of rules.
And therefore
it's helpful to keep that in mind when dealing
with other environments that are not predictable or consistent.
(03:36):
So, Deborah to answer that specific question,
let me share two thoughts first and foremost,
if you can get
grandparents and mom
to at least
try to implement some of the same strategies,
share the things that you are using
at your home
and say here's what I've been doing.
(03:57):
It would be really helpful if you use the same language.
Listen to this podcast, watch this video, read this article,
this is what we're trying to implement and if
we can co parent and we can have similar strategies
that will be most helpful for him.
So that's my first thought.
Now, obviously, we only have control over us, not others.
So if they choose not to, it is what it is,
(04:19):
you can still implement choices and limits in your home because
he will not expect there to be universality in those limits.
And then
my second thought is
as you are navigating with a more mature child, 11 is more mature.
And as an only for a while and now as an oldest,
(04:39):
he's going to be more mature, he's been parent
and therefore we know that he is going to be more verbal, more cognitive.
He still does not have abstract reasoning though.
You mentioned that so high five for being aware,
we need to be mindful that
as a child even is in the 11, 12 range,
(05:00):
we can have more conversations
but limits and choices don't change.
The phrasing is exactly the same for a three year old as it is for an 11 year old.
The pushback that comes from an 11 year old and a three year old,
they may look completely different,
but we get pushed back from all ages sometimes.
So Deborah just know that it will work even with an 11 year old,
(05:23):
know that it will work even if it's just in
your home or if you can get everyone else on board
that would be ideal.
Ok, let me continue reading
with my youngest. I'm wondering if I may be trying to change too much, too fast.
Shortly after hearing a few of your early episodes,
I started reflecting feelings and giving choices.
He is more often than making
sorry. He is more often not making the choice
(05:46):
to not choose even when he doesn't like the outcome of not choosing.
All right. So that is resistance.
And if the only thing that you've done is reflect feelings,
that is just helpful. So
I would continue to do that consistently with both of your kids.
And as far as providing choices go if he's bucking, that's a power grab.
(06:09):
So if he's choosing not to choose, even when he doesn't like that,
then that means you choose for him
that is a power grab pure and simple.
You stick to choices and then you reflect his
feelings that he wishes he would have chosen.
So let me walk you through that.
You say you can choose to have broccoli or you can choose to have carrots for dinner,
which do you choose
(06:30):
nothing?
You really don't want to choose either, but that's not part of the choice.
The choices are broccoli or carrots, which do you choose, nothing?
So you go through that three times, then you say if you choose not to choose,
you choose for me to choose for you, he says nothing or he or he,
he literally says the word nothing or he says nothing,
meaning no words come out of his mouth
or he runs off into another room or he says ice cream or some other random thing
(06:55):
you say you've chosen for me to choose for you and then you
choose whichever one if you're really in the mood for glazed carrots,
then that's what you're choosing for dinner.
And then when you sit down for dinner and he says no, I didn't want carrots.
Then you reflect his feelings. Mm
You're disappointed
that there's carrots for dinner.
You chose for me to choose when you chose not to choose, but you can choose next time.
(07:19):
I'm not eating carrots.
You really are frustrated because you don't really
like carrots but you chose not to choose.
So you chose for me to choose for you,
but you can try to choose next time
and you just validate, reiterate again and again and again. Broken record.
Here's what will happen.
He becomes conditioned to realize
(07:40):
I do not like having no control.
And here's the irony.
He's grasping at power and control by not choosing
and then choosing to lose all power and control
in an attempt to gain power and control.
Do you see the endless crazy cycle of that?
He won't see that and understand that. But that's for your awareness.
(08:01):
That's where he is.
It's a power grab and then a power loss. So then it just starts all over again.
But what will happen is
I really hated having carrots last time.
So I'm gonna choose broccoli next time and he will choose so
stick with it. Deborah. I promise it works.
Ok.
Let me continue.
I have seen a difference in his behavior on
(08:22):
days when he gets screens compared to days.
He doesn't,
I strive to keep him off screens as much as possible,
finding other outlets to connect with him or let him just be a kid and play.
But he sees his brother doing
this
and wants to do what he's doing such as be on a phone or an ipad.
Much to my dismay, my oldest's mom bought him a phone with internet access.
(08:44):
How can I address that?
Because my oldest has two moms and two homes and he
has different rules that apply differently to him than my youngest.
All right, kind of tricky.
But here's the most effective way to handle that.
You're going to limit screen time at your house.
You don't have control over screen time anywhere else,
but you do have control over screen time at your house.
(09:05):
So you're going to limit it for an 11 year old. It should be an hour and a half or so a day
and that's across all devices.
So that's movies, TV, shows video games,
phone, ipad
doesn't matter if it's a screen that counts for time.
So an hour and a half should be his time cap per day and because your youngest
(09:28):
is in your home witnessing this and then
wanting to duplicate what his older brother does.
I think you set limits
about his screen time is not in front of your younger son.
In other words,
ok, you're choosing to have your hour and a half. Now,
if you choose to play video games or if you choose to be
on your phone or if you choose to whatever he's doing technologically,
(09:51):
you choose to do it in your room. So your younger brother doesn't see you
or you choose to do it when your younger brother is playing with his friends,
or you choose to do it when he's taking a nap or
whatever the scenario is where your youngest will not
witness that he's in front of a screen.
That would be the limit that
I would set there.
And then your final question in regards to birth order.
(10:13):
I'm wondering if, because the age gap between the boys is seven years,
if that resets the birth order,
giving my youngest qualities of both an only or an oldest being that he's my oldest,
but still the youngest.
And I know that's complicated, but I know what you're trying to say.
So the short answer is yes.
As soon as you reach a five
(10:33):
year gap in between children, birth order essentially resets and creates hybrids.
So essentially what you're describing is your oldest
is
an only/oldest hybrid.
Your youngest
is an only/youngest hybrid
because
(10:53):
there's a, there's a seven year gap between yours.
So birth order roles essentially reset because of that big
of a distance in between the ages of kids.
And
if you don't know much about birth order,
it's something I'm really passionate about.
So,
birth order is really fascinating and your children's personalities
(11:15):
are largely dictated by their order in the family.
So that's I spoke about that when I spoke at the church.
And so Deborah's referencing the birth order comment there,
Deborah, really thank you so much for the email. I hope that this encourages you.
I hope it's helpful. I hope that all of you found it helpful.
And if you have questions, struggles, if you would just like to say hello,
if you would like to pose a scenario and we'll all talk about it together.
(11:39):
The, the parenting podcast is really, really growing.
There are so many new listeners all the time.
By the way, if you're new to the podcast family, welcome. We're so glad you're here.
This is a play therapy based parenting approach to give you
confidence and competence in your parenting and in your relationship.
So
I'm really excited to have you.
Thank you for recommending this to your
friends and family members and coworkers and
(12:01):
all the people in your spheres of influence.
The, the parenting podcast has really taken off and I'm really grateful for that.
I also do have a clinical podcast for therapists. So there's a lot of crossover.
I know that.
So a lot of therapists listen and listen to the
parenting and a lot of parents listen to the therapist.
So
I
it's kind of a, a both and, but just wanted to say, I really glad you're here.
(12:22):
Thank you for being a part of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast family.
We'll talk again soon. Bye.
Thank you for listening
to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode, I am answering a question from Deborah in Florida.
(00:23):
Hello to a fellow Floridian
and her question is about blended families. Number one,
about having two children in varying stages of development
and therefore responding to
play therapy approach differently
and also about some screen time and also about birth order.
(00:45):
So it's kind of a four for one kind of scenario here.
But Deborah, thank you so much for emailing me. Thank you for the question.
Thanks for
processing this with us.
And if you all have questions as well, I'd love to hear from you,
brenna@thekidcounselor.com
All right. So I'm going to read parts of Deborah's email and then I will
(01:05):
share some thoughts and we'll talk about this together.
I'm a recent addition to listening to your podcast,
but you've come to our church a couple of times
and spoken to us about the dangers of screens.
I'm writing to you to gain a little more
insight as I'm new to the play therapy approach.
I have two kids, both sons.
My oldest is 11 and my youngest is four.
(01:26):
My oldest has been hard to get used to
the play therapy approach because he has a more mature
demeanor and it has been easy over the years to talk to him a little more like an adult.
I came into his life when he was four and until he was six,
he was an only child between both households.
We have an agreement with his mom that he is
over there every weekend with his two younger siblings.
Now, four and five
(01:47):
and his step brother also four.
He's also at his grandparents' house at least two nights
a week due to my husband's and my work schedules
with the constant flux of homes and different rules.
It feels like an uphill climb trying to
implement pillars such as choices and limit setting.
What would be a way I can approach this knowing even though
he may act more maturely that he doesn't quite have abstract reasoning
(02:09):
and knowing that rules and limits change in the other homes.
So there's more to the email.
But let me pause there and we'll address what's been processed so far.
So first and foremost,
and this is helpful for all of you for all of you
that have children that go back and forth between two households and,
or even if you
are questioning, well, how am I going to implement rules that
(02:31):
are unique to play therapy in the home.
When anywhere else,
the child's not going to hear those same approaches and phrases and, and limits.
Here's what's really helpful to know
kids very
innately understand that rules change based on the environment.
So a really simple explanation for this is,
(02:52):
does your child expect that the same rules that they have to follow
at school are the exact same rules as are in your home?
Do they expect that when they go to karate
or baseball practice or whatever extracurricular activity they do
that the rules there are going to carry over to school or home.
And the answer is no,
they never think there's universality in rules because they understand
(03:16):
that every person has a different set of rules,
meaning whatever person is in authority,
every environment has a different set of rules
and the circumstances have different set of rules.
And therefore
it's helpful to keep that in mind when dealing
with other environments that are not predictable or consistent.
(03:36):
So, Deborah to answer that specific question,
let me share two thoughts first and foremost,
if you can get
grandparents and mom
to at least
try to implement some of the same strategies,
share the things that you are using
at your home
and say here's what I've been doing.
(03:57):
It would be really helpful if you use the same language.
Listen to this podcast, watch this video, read this article,
this is what we're trying to implement and if
we can co parent and we can have similar strategies
that will be most helpful for him.
So that's my first thought.
Now, obviously, we only have control over us, not others.
So if they choose not to, it is what it is,
(04:19):
you can still implement choices and limits in your home because
he will not expect there to be universality in those limits.
And then
my second thought is
as you are navigating with a more mature child, 11 is more mature.
And as an only for a while and now as an oldest,
(04:39):
he's going to be more mature, he's been parent
and therefore we know that he is going to be more verbal, more cognitive.
He still does not have abstract reasoning though.
You mentioned that so high five for being aware,
we need to be mindful that
as a child even is in the 11, 12 range,
(05:00):
we can have more conversations
but limits and choices don't change.
The phrasing is exactly the same for a three year old as it is for an 11 year old.
The pushback that comes from an 11 year old and a three year old,
they may look completely different,
but we get pushed back from all ages sometimes.
So Deborah just know that it will work even with an 11 year old,
(05:23):
know that it will work even if it's just in
your home or if you can get everyone else on board
that would be ideal.
Ok, let me continue reading
with my youngest. I'm wondering if I may be trying to change too much, too fast.
Shortly after hearing a few of your early episodes,
I started reflecting feelings and giving choices.
He is more often than making
sorry. He is more often not making the choice
(05:46):
to not choose even when he doesn't like the outcome of not choosing.
All right. So that is resistance.
And if the only thing that you've done is reflect feelings,
that is just helpful. So
I would continue to do that consistently with both of your kids.
And as far as providing choices go if he's bucking, that's a power grab.
(06:09):
So if he's choosing not to choose, even when he doesn't like that,
then that means you choose for him
that is a power grab pure and simple.
You stick to choices and then you reflect his
feelings that he wishes he would have chosen.
So let me walk you through that.
You say you can choose to have broccoli or you can choose to have carrots for dinner,
which do you choose
(06:30):
nothing?
You really don't want to choose either, but that's not part of the choice.
The choices are broccoli or carrots, which do you choose, nothing?
So you go through that three times, then you say if you choose not to choose,
you choose for me to choose for you, he says nothing or he or he,
he literally says the word nothing or he says nothing,
meaning no words come out of his mouth
or he runs off into another room or he says ice cream or some other random thing
(06:55):
you say you've chosen for me to choose for you and then you
choose whichever one if you're really in the mood for glazed carrots,
then that's what you're choosing for dinner.
And then when you sit down for dinner and he says no, I didn't want carrots.
Then you reflect his feelings. Mm
You're disappointed
that there's carrots for dinner.
You chose for me to choose when you chose not to choose, but you can choose next time.
(07:19):
I'm not eating carrots.
You really are frustrated because you don't really
like carrots but you chose not to choose.
So you chose for me to choose for you,
but you can try to choose next time
and you just validate, reiterate again and again and again. Broken record.
Here's what will happen.
He becomes conditioned to realize
(07:40):
I do not like having no control.
And here's the irony.
He's grasping at power and control by not choosing
and then choosing to lose all power and control
in an attempt to gain power and control.
Do you see the endless crazy cycle of that?
He won't see that and understand that. But that's for your awareness.
(08:01):
That's where he is.
It's a power grab and then a power loss. So then it just starts all over again.
But what will happen is
I really hated having carrots last time.
So I'm gonna choose broccoli next time and he will choose so
stick with it. Deborah. I promise it works.
Ok.
Let me continue.
I have seen a difference in his behavior on
(08:22):
days when he gets screens compared to days.
He doesn't,
I strive to keep him off screens as much as possible,
finding other outlets to connect with him or let him just be a kid and play.
But he sees his brother doing
this
and wants to do what he's doing such as be on a phone or an ipad.
Much to my dismay, my oldest's mom bought him a phone with internet access.
(08:44):
How can I address that?
Because my oldest has two moms and two homes and he
has different rules that apply differently to him than my youngest.
All right, kind of tricky.
But here's the most effective way to handle that.
You're going to limit screen time at your house.
You don't have control over screen time anywhere else,
but you do have control over screen time at your house.
(09:05):
So you're going to limit it for an 11 year old. It should be an hour and a half or so a day
and that's across all devices.
So that's movies, TV, shows video games,
phone, ipad
doesn't matter if it's a screen that counts for time.
So an hour and a half should be his time cap per day and because your youngest
(09:28):
is in your home witnessing this and then
wanting to duplicate what his older brother does.
I think you set limits
about his screen time is not in front of your younger son.
In other words,
ok, you're choosing to have your hour and a half. Now,
if you choose to play video games or if you choose to be
on your phone or if you choose to whatever he's doing technologically,
(09:51):
you choose to do it in your room. So your younger brother doesn't see you
or you choose to do it when your younger brother is playing with his friends,
or you choose to do it when he's taking a nap or
whatever the scenario is where your youngest will not
witness that he's in front of a screen.
That would be the limit that
I would set there.
And then your final question in regards to birth order.
(10:13):
I'm wondering if, because the age gap between the boys is seven years,
if that resets the birth order,
giving my youngest qualities of both an only or an oldest being that he's my oldest,
but still the youngest.
And I know that's complicated, but I know what you're trying to say.
So the short answer is yes.
As soon as you reach a five
(10:33):
year gap in between children, birth order essentially resets and creates hybrids.
So essentially what you're describing is your oldest
is
an only/oldest hybrid.
Your youngest
is an only/youngest hybrid
because
(10:53):
there's a, there's a seven year gap between yours.
So birth order roles essentially reset because of that big
of a distance in between the ages of kids.
And
if you don't know much about birth order,
it's something I'm really passionate about.
So,
birth order is really fascinating and your children's personalities
(11:15):
are largely dictated by their order in the family.
So that's I spoke about that when I spoke at the church.
And so Deborah's referencing the birth order comment there,
Deborah, really thank you so much for the email. I hope that this encourages you.
I hope it's helpful. I hope that all of you found it helpful.
And if you have questions, struggles, if you would just like to say hello,
if you would like to pose a scenario and we'll all talk about it together.
(11:39):
The, the parenting podcast is really, really growing.
There are so many new listeners all the time.
By the way, if you're new to the podcast family, welcome. We're so glad you're here.
This is a play therapy based parenting approach to give you
confidence and competence in your parenting and in your relationship.
So
I'm really excited to have you.
Thank you for recommending this to your
friends and family members and coworkers and
(12:01):
all the people in your spheres of influence.
The, the parenting podcast has really taken off and I'm really grateful for that.
I also do have a clinical podcast for therapists. So there's a lot of crossover.
I know that.
So a lot of therapists listen and listen to the
parenting and a lot of parents listen to the therapist.
So
I
it's kind of a, a both and, but just wanted to say, I really glad you're here.
(12:22):
Thank you for being a part of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast family.
We'll talk again soon. Bye.
Thank you for listening
to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.