S2E32 - Raising Kids Who Self-Regulate: A New Parenting Series

In this episode of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast, I kick off a new series on raising kids who self-regulate. Power struggles and control grabs are common challenges in parenting, but they often undermine the parent-child relationship. I discuss why the ultimate goal is not controlling your child’s behavior but teaching parents a new way to interact with their kids that fosters self-regulation.

I introduce the key concept that children learn self-regulation by being given the opportunity to take responsibility for their actions, rather than having their behavior controlled by adults. Through this series, I’ll share practical, tangible strategies to help parents foster emotional vocabulary, self-regulation, and autonomy in their kids. Together, we’ll work toward happier homes and stronger relationships.

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Common References:
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

Episode Transcript

(00:02):
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
awareness,
and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
we are starting a series on how to raise kids who self-regulate.

(00:27):
It's really interesting.
I've been podcasting for,
gosh,
I guess 8 years.
I've been blogging for
15 or so,
maybe longer,
I'm not sure.
I've been providing parenting information for almost 20.
And one of my top
ever.

(00:48):
parenting
articles that went out
was how to stop power struggles with your kids.
I think it was made into a video and it was a blog article,
and it is my top performing of all times in the parenting space,
how to stop power struggles.
Which
is very insightful,
it's very enlightening.
Because what we want more than anything

(01:11):
is to not have to
battle with kids.
And one of the things that inevitably happens is as soon as power struggles ensue,
as soon as it becomes a control grab,
where kids are fighting for control and then parents are fighting for control.
Then everything deteriorates,

(01:31):
and what we know
and what I talk about all the time,
is that
if we prioritize the relationship,
that has to take precedent.
So,
the relationship has to be preserved at all costs.
And power struggles
and control grabs
undermine and fracture the relationship.

(01:55):
So when we know that parents really desperately want to not have power struggles.
I have a 15 year old son.
My husband and I would very much agree we would like to not have power struggles.
And he's an awesome kid and we really don't have many
concerns,
but
every once in a while,
there's a pretty,
pretty significant power struggle.

(02:17):
And when you think about it,
what's really happening is
we
want
kids
to regulate.
We want kids to self control.
And here's the irony.
That's what we want more than anything else.

(02:38):
If we ask our children to do something,
we would like them to do it.
If we set an expectation in the home,
we would like them to adhere to it.
When
we have an established
parameter,
we expect it to be obeyed.
And ideally without lip in the process,

(02:59):
right?
I'd really like you not to talk back.
I'd really like you not to argue.
I'd really like you fill in the blank.
So what we're hoping for.
Is that
a child will regulate and control.
I'll do this because I know I'm supposed to.
I'll do this because I've been asked to.
I'll do this because it's the right thing to do.

(03:21):
But when children don't respond that way,
because they're not rational,
they don't have abstract reasoning.
They're not cognitive.
They're not intellectually processing anything.
They are here and now emotional beings,
so whatever feels right in the moment is what they do.
With no thought,

(03:42):
it's all feeling.
So you can understand that obviously they're not going
to control and regulate until they learn the ability to do so.
And then we start controlling
our kids.
We start regulating for them.

(04:02):
We start insisting
that they comply.
We start forcing them to obey.
We start threatening them with consequences.
All of this is our power struggle and our control grab.
In an attempt
to
prevent
them from power struggling

(04:23):
and
control grabbing.
And the difficulty in this is
that we are actually creating the very thing that we dislike the most.
We do not want our kids to power struggle.
We don't want them to grasp at control and we
don't want them to not be able to regulate themselves,

(04:45):
but that's exactly what we create
when we do it for them.
I'm not sure if you're familiar with the universal parenting styles,
but Baumrind talked about
there are universal parenting styles and the authoritarian approach.
It is
very harsh,

(05:05):
very rigid,
very rule driven,
and you better obey or else.
So it's very high in expectation,
very low in empathy and warmth.
And when
you have that authoritarian approach.
We often don't even realize that that is
the
impression that we're giving off to our kids.

(05:27):
Because here's a scenario.
You're in a grocery store,
and your child walks down the toy aisle.
Isn't it convenient that when you're supposed to be getting food,
there's an entire aisle to lure children where
they really want something in that aisle.
So your child begs you for whatever toy is in the toy aisle,
and you say you'd really like to have that,

(05:48):
but we're here to get groceries,
not toys.
You can choose to get a toy when we go to the toy store at a different time.
You can choose to help me pick up food right now.
Notice that that was a limit.
Notice that it was a three-part process.
If you're not familiar with limit setting,
please go back and listen to earlier episodes.
We cannot say,
no,
you're not getting a toy.

(06:09):
Put that back
and expect that to be effective.
So notice that there was an approach.
Three steps for limit setting.
So you go through that
and your child starts to yell,
starts to cry,
will not leave the toy aisle
in really severe cases,
throws themselves on the middle of the floor and won't get up.

(06:29):
Is screaming is
knocking things off the shelf,
whatever the scenario is.
In that moment
Almost always,
unless you have a plan
that you've already practiced ahead of time.
You're going to step in and control your child's behavior.
You're going to grab them by the arm and walk them out of the store.

(06:52):
You're going to
threaten if you do that one more time,
this is going to happen.
You're going to get down and hold their shoulders and
say you will not act like this right now,
whatever the scenario is,
here's what's going on.
You are controlling their behavior.
You are regulating their behavior.

(07:12):
They're not doing it.
And here's what the unintended consequence of that is.
We're just trying to avoid this massive embarrassing moment in a grocery store.
But what the child is learning is
I'll get as out of control as I wanna be.
I'll get as close to the line as I can go.
I'll push the boundaries

(07:33):
to the hilt,
and when I get too far
and it's way too much,
someone will step in and control everything for me.
That's not what we want for our kids.
We want our children to have emotional vocabulary.
We want our children to have self-regulation.
We want our children to be able to de-escalate.

(07:55):
And we want them to be able to control themselves.
When we think about power struggles.
We are often just as much of a power struggle as our children are.
And the antidote is what this series is all about.
We're going to talk about how to raise kids who self-regulate.
Because what we want

(08:17):
is to not have to nag,
to not have to remind,
to not have to swoop in,
to not have to stop the child's behavior.
So many adults
try to preemptively,
proactively.
Look and anticipate what's going to happen and stop it before it can even get there.

(08:38):
Oh,
I know where you're going with that.
No way.
How much can a child learn about self control and self regulation?
When someone swoops in
And takes the temptation away,
distracts them,
prevents it from happening.
Stops whatever the the moment is.
They don't learn anything about how to self-govern.

(09:01):
They learn,
I don't need to.
When it gets really crazy,
someone will come in and govern for me,
so that's way easier.
I'll just
wait till mom,
dad,
so and so comes in and
takes over.
That is not what we want,
but that is often the result that we get.
So in this series,
we are going to jump in

(09:21):
to
really effective tangible ways
that we can raise kids who self regulate because
not only is the world a better place when there are self regulated humans,
but
our parenting
and our families are going to be so much happier
when we have kids who can self regulate but really where that starts is with us.

(09:44):
Because we have to stop trying to take control,
we have to stop trying to
power struggle our way through whatever the scenario
is and controlling their behavior for them.
We have to return that responsibility to our kids
so that they start taking up those reins
and making those changes.
So I'm really looking forward to this.

(10:05):
I hope that you are too.
And this I think this is going to be a really worthwhile series.
So
excited for this.
If you would like to reach out to me with questions,
please do [e-mail].
You can also leave a voicemail if you're in the states
at 813-812-5525.
And
let let's dive into raising.
Kids that can self regulate,

(10:25):
I think this will alleviate so many of our frustrations and headaches as parents,
and that's really what we want.
We want to make sure that we can focus on the relationship.
And when we're power struggling and when there's control grabs going on,
that undermines the relationship.
It doesn't preserve it.
So the goal is always preservation of the relationship
and this series is gonna help us get there.

(10:46):
All right,
I appreciate y'all so much.
Thanks.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.