In this episode of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast, I respond to a heartfelt question from Heather, a mom navigating divorce while helping her young child through big emotions and challenging behaviors like aggression and biting. I discuss how changes in relationships—such as a deployed parent, a changing caregiver, or shifting custody arrangements—can deeply impact a child's sense of stability and security. I explain why behaviors like biting and aggression often stem from emotional overwhelm rather than defiance and share practical, child-centered strategies to help guide children through these struggles.
I also walk through limit-setting techniques that preserve the parent-child relationship while teaching emotional regulation and self-control. From handling aggression in the moment to reinforcing choices and natural consequences, I provide a clear framework for parents to set boundaries with confidence and consistency. If you're struggling with similar challenges, this episode will give you the tools to respond with empathy, structure, and intentionality.
Ask Me Questions: Call (813) 812-5525, or email: brenna@thekidcounselor.com
Podcast HQ: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/
My Newsletter Signup: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/newsletter/
My Podcast Partner, Gabb Wireless: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/gabb/
Common References:
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
awareness,
and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am answering a question from Heather,
(00:22):
and Heather is currently going through a divorce and is asking
quite a few questions about how to handle
assisting their child with the adjustment
and some of the behavior things that are coming up from that.
So Heather,
thank you so much for the email.
I really appreciate it
and hopefully we can dive into this and,
and really kind of make sense of
(00:44):
what we can do to assist from a child-centered play therapy perspective.
And if you all would like to reach out to me,
I would love to hear from you brenna@thekidcounselor.com or you can,
if you're in the states,
you can call the voicemail number,
which is 813-812-5525,
and you can leave me a voicemail message and
I can answer your question from the voicemail.
(01:06):
OK,
so let me read parts of the email from Heather,
and then we'll kind of dive in together.
I'm writing because I'm currently going through a divorce.
I think my husband would probably be diagnosed
with a personality disorder if he was tested.
I listened to the podcast about the effects of divorce,
and now I'm scared for my child,
having been deployed to war 4 times and knowing and
(01:26):
understanding the effects that has and seeing it firsthand.
By the way,
Heather,
thank you so much for serving our country and for everything that you've done for us.
My child has had a handful of different behavioral challenges,
and I was trying to gentle parent and muddling through.
I'm now working with a play therapist.
I'm so happy to hear that,
and I'm doing filial therapy,
good for you.
It's different than the parenting that I was raised with
(01:48):
and in 2022 when my soon to be ex first deployed
and our first au pair was with us for two years,
had to leave.
That was when my son,
who is now 415 and was then 2,
started biting kids
at the time I had to put him in daycare because I lost individual care.
He's now in preschool and he has continued to be
aggressive with other children and is also aggressive with me.
(02:09):
The aggression and biting returned in early November around the
time my husband threatened to take our son from me
and after me leaving the house,
and we're now splitting time with our son.
How do I balance helping my child through the trauma of the
divorce with the behavioral challenges with the influence from his dad?
I want my child to be resilient,
self-contained,
and not entitled,
and I want him to stop hurting other kids and myself.
(02:32):
I welcome any thoughts.
All right,
Heather,
so multi-layered for sure,
and
I will try my best to kind of look at each of these individual components,
but
let me just celebrate the fact that you're pursuing play therapy
and doing filial.
For those of you that are not familiar with that,
it is a parenting training program that teaches you as the parent to
(02:54):
actually use the play therapy skills with your child at your home.
And so,
I'm so encouraged to hear that,
Heather,
and I know that that will just make a world of difference for you and your son,
and specifically your relationship,
because let's go back to the heart of why
we do what we do.
It's to preserve the relationship.
And based on what you've described,
(03:15):
you've been deployed,
your husband has been deployed.
He had an au pair,
for those of you that don't know,
fancy way to say nanny,
basically someone that
takes care of your child when you can't,
and
that person that was with him for two years,
which becomes a parent figure and there's attachment
and there's connection and there's relationship there,
(03:35):
you've left,
your husband has left,
and then your au pair leaves.
So,
your son has been through a lot of
fractured relationships and,
and for no fault of you all,
you serve in the military,
thank you for that.
And there are sacrifices that you make every day,
and this is one of them.
That said,
your child is now struggling because
(03:58):
there needs to be relationship repair.
Then pile on top
that now there's a divorce and separation going.
So now here's another uprooting,
and now there's OK,
so now I'm only with dad part of the time,
mom part of the time,
and again this is relationship that needs to be repaired.
This is why you're listening to this podcast.
(04:18):
This is why you're pursuing filial therapy,
because what we know about this approach
is that
it preserves the relationship
and it puts the relationship at the heart of everything we do.
Let's go back to the four pillars.
If you're new to the podcast,
please go back and at least start at season 2,
but it would actually be better if you go back and listen to season 1.
If you're not familiar with the four pillars,
(04:40):
it's the 4 basic ways that we interact with our children.
We reflect their feelings,
we set limits,
we give them choices,
and we encourage them.
It's relationship preserving.
We have our rules of thumb and our tenets
and our philosophies that undergird everything we do.
We focus on the relationship,
not the problem.
Just noticing a child is a powerful builder of self-esteem.
(05:02):
If we can't say it in 10 words or less,
don't say it.
We have all of these principles
that guide and direct our interactions with our kids.
So Heather,
every time that you are using these pillars,
every time
that you let these rules of thumb and
these tenants support what you're saying and doing,
it's repairing relationship,
it's building relationship,
(05:23):
there's connection,
there's communication,
there's trust,
there's respect,
there's all of the things that need to be repaired
because
through all of these experiences,
he has felt that some of these things are unsteady and unstable.
So as you are starting to pour into him,
it will naturally adjust that.
(05:44):
Now,
let's normalize a little bit.
He started biting kids.
It's an emotional and a behavioral reaction
to what's going on internally.
He has pent up emotion,
he's little,
doesn't have language skills,
doesn't have self-control,
doesn't have emotional vocabulary.
The only way I know how to release this
(06:05):
is aggressive behavior,
and biting is an easy thing for kids to do.
So that's actually very age appropriate number one,
but it's also understandable
based on the circumstances.
He was dealing with so much emotionally and he didn't know
how to channel that appropriately.
No,
no 2.5 year old does.
(06:26):
Let's be really clear,
we cannot expect a 2 year old to channel their emotions appropriately.
They're here and now,
they're emotional beings,
and they're going to show you how they feel.
So his biting is his demonstration
of the upheaval that he's feeling.
That's appropriate.
And then you say that he's continued to be
(06:46):
aggressive with other children and aggressive with you.
OK,
what we know
is that
the child will naturally.
I have a tendency to anyway,
doesn't always work this way,
but children have a tendency
to be at their worst
for the person that unconditionally loves them the most.
So Heather,
you might be the safe place for him to land.
(07:08):
If he knows that you're going to
unconditionally love him and unconditionally accept him
and even at his worst
you love him through it anyway.
He will hold it together for other people as much as possible
and then fall apart with you.
So often kids are the most aggressive with the person they feel the safest with,
and that doesn't seem to make sense
at an adult cognitive intellectual level,
(07:31):
but it makes perfect sense to a child because
you'll love me tomorrow even if I yell at you today.
And there's no fear
that
uh if I take it too far,
they won't love me anymore.
So while that's hard being in that position,
Heather,
it does indicate the kind of relationship that you might have
built with him and that he defaults to that belief.
(07:55):
However,
we know
that aggression warrants an immediate limit,
no matter what.
So you said that the aggression and the biting returned in
November when your husband threatened to take him from you.
Of course,
he would have aggression again because he's upheaved again and he's scared.
And
after you left the house,
it's another huge change for him,
(08:16):
huge upheaval.
So kids will naturally default to what they've always done.
Humans default to what they've always done,
let's be clear.
But kids specifically behaviorally and emotionally,
they will default to what they've always done
because it's easy and it requires no work.
However,
if he's being aggressive with you,
it warrants an immediate limit.
(08:38):
So as soon as he hits or kicks or bites or whatever it is,
Heather,
you jump straight to the limit.
I am not for hurting.
And if you are familiar with limit setting,
notice that I went straight to the communicate the limit.
I did not reflect the feeling first.
We only do that before the behavior,
not during the behavior.
(09:01):
So if he's already being aggressive,
it's straight to the limit.
I am not for hurting.
And if you need to hold his arm,
if you need to hold his leg,
if you need to stop
the behavior,
You do it calmly,
you do it neutrally,
you're not emotional,
you're not reactive.
You're not
grabbing at his arm and making it's not a big production.
(09:24):
You just hold it firmly and you say,
I am not for hitting.
If he's able to control himself,
you let go.
If he tries again,
you hold it again,
and you say,
I am not for hitting.
I am not for kicking.
Then you go back through the process.
You're upset.
You're angry,
(09:45):
you're frustrated,
you're scared,
you're confused,
whatever it is that you think he's feeling.
Please do not default.
This is for everyone.
Please do not default to your mad or you're angry.
Aggression is very rarely about anger.
It's usually about a vulnerable emotion that they're masking.
(10:06):
So be really intentional about looking into your child's eyes.
Let's go back to the reflecting feelings pillar.
Look into your child's eyes and get a clue.
Please don't assume that they're mad.
They're probably not.
That's just their mask.
They're probably trying to hide a vulnerable emotion.
So
you're confused,
(10:27):
you're worried,
you're upset,
you're scared,
you're frustrated,
you're irritated,
you're annoyed,
whatever.
Probably not angry.
But I am never for hurting.
If you want to enlarge it,
since this is happening with children as well,
people are never for hurting.
People are not for hitting,
people are not for kicking,
(10:47):
people are not for biting.
You can go broad or you can go specific,
which with me,
I am not for.
Now,
if we stop there,
the missing link is the choice and the returning of responsibility.
He needs to have alternatives.
So
you can choose to punch.
The pillows on the couch.
(11:09):
Or you can choose to kick.
The beanbag chair.
I don't know what your options are.
I'm just throwing out hypotheticals.
If he needs a release for the aggression.
If he has all of this pent up stuff and he needs to get it out,
he needs to have opportunities to do that,
but it needs to be appropriate.
(11:30):
So if he can punch the pillows on the couch,
or if he can kick a beanbag chair,
or if he can
pummel his stuffed animals,
whatever it is.
You give him alternatives,
Heather.
So let's go through this all together.
People are not for hitting.
I am not for hurting,
whatever you want to say.
Start there,
then go through the three-step process.
(11:51):
You're really angry,
you're really sad,
you're really upset.
You're really whatever,
whatever is the most appropriate emotion.
But I am never for hurting.
You can choose to punch the pillows on the couch
or you can choose to kick the beanbag chair,
which do you choose?
And the goal is that he learns to self regulate,
(12:12):
he learns to self-control.
And here's the beauty of this limit setting involves 3
of the pillars,
all in one.
So this is kind of,
uh,
this is a bonus,
one fell swoop for 3.
You're reflecting his feelings,
which means he's building an emotional vocabulary.
You're setting neutral limits,
so he's learning to regulate.
(12:33):
And you're giving him choices,
so he's learning self-control and ownership of outcome.
And Heather,
you specifically said,
how do I help him
through the trauma and the behavioral challenges.
I want him to be resilient,
self-controlled,
and not entitled and stop hurting others.
Well,
limit setting is,
is your path
because you reflect his feelings,
you set a neutral limit and you give him choices,
(12:55):
you'll achieve all of those goals through that process.
And be consistent.
Now,
if he violates the limit 3 times,
so you've made it very clear you're not for hitting,
kicking,
biting,
whatever is going on,
and he does it.
And he does it 3 times.
You move to ultimate limit setting,
which I don't think we've talked about it often,
(13:17):
but let me just refresh for those of you
that have been veteran listeners from the very beginning.
If you're new to this,
get a,
get a notepad.
Once the child is unwilling or unable to comply with the limit 3 times,
you move to ultimate limit setting.
So in that scenario,
you say,
I'm gonna say that your son's name is Jake.
I don't know.
(13:37):
So you say,
Jake.
You've chosen to hit me and you know that I'm not for hitting.
If you choose to hit me,
you choose negative consequence.
It needs to be a doozy.
He's 4,
it has to be immediate,
and it has to be that day only.
Can't be later that night.
It can't be later that week.
(13:57):
It can't be this weekend.
It has to be immediate
because his
time frame is very skewed.
So there has to be immediacy,
and it has to be his currency.
What matters to him.
Is it time with his friends?
Is it snuggle time before bed?
Is it reading a book together?
Is it dessert,
whatever it is?
(14:18):
It has to be immediate and it has to be that day.
Never let it carry over.
He's too young.
So
Jake,
you.
Chose to hurt me and you know that I'm not for hurting.
If you choose to do it again,
you're choosing negative consequence.
If you choose not to hurt me
and you choose to kick
(14:39):
the beanbag instead,
you choose to keep
said thing.
You choose to have said thing.
Make sure that you give the positive and the negative.
If you choose positive,
then you choose positive.
If you choose negative,
then you choose negative.
Which do you choose?
Notice that I said the word choose 5 times.
It doesn't work without saying choose 5 times.
(15:01):
It's not the same thing to say if you do that again,
I'm going to,
if you don't do that again,
you're going to,
those are threats.
The child learns nothing about self-control and self-responsibility.
It's a choice
If you choose positive,
you choose positive.
If you choose negative,
you choose negative,
which do you choose?
And then here's the beauty heather and for all the rest of us.
(15:25):
You would always choose for him to have the best things.
You would choose for him to have dessert or have the book,
or have the cuddle time,
or have time with friends,
or have his favorite TV show,
whatever.
You would always choose for him to have those things,
but sometimes he's going to choose not to.
It's not your burden.
It's not your responsibility.
(15:47):
You're not the disciplinarian.
You're not the ruler with the iron fist.
You very calmly,
very neutrally.
Very light.
You're able to say,
I see you've chosen
to have dessert tonight because you chose not to hurt me,
or I see you've chosen not to have dessert tonight because you chose to hit me,
but you can try again tomorrow.
(16:09):
And Heather and all the rest of you.
If your child chooses the negative consequence.
That child chooses the negative consequence.
This does not work if you give in.
When he cries,
when he throws a fit,
when he tries to hit you again,
when he screams,
when he throws himself on the ground,
when there's alligator tears pouring out of his eyes,
(16:31):
and he's screaming and crying,
and it's a terrible,
horrible,
no good day.
You do not give in.
And here's how you stalwart yourself against it,
and here's how you make sure that you stick to it.
He chose.
He chose
that outcome
you didn't.
And you're not choosing to make his life miserable,
(16:52):
you're just enforcing the choice that he made.
So you reflect feelings and you let him know that tomorrow's a new day.
Oh,
you're so disappointed that you chose to hit me
and you chose not to have dessert tonight,
but you can try again tomorrow.
No,
oh,
you're really upset,
but you chose to hit me,
but you can try again tomorrow.
(17:14):
At the very moment that you chose to hurt me,
it was at that very moment that you chose not to have books tonight,
but you can try again tomorrow.
Guess what?
You're going to outwit and outlast and outplay your child.
I talk about this with my therapists all the time.
You're going to outwit,
outlast and outplay.
One of you is going to give in and it's not going to be you.
(17:36):
Because choice giving falls apart and limit setting falls apart if you cave.
Because guess what the child learns.
Well,
I just have to escalate and I get my way.
True,
we don't want that.
You know what we want?
Dang,
that was terrible.
I didn't get books 3 nights in a row.
I'm not doing that anymore.
I'll just stop hitting her.
(17:57):
It's not worth it.
Self-control.
Self-regulation
It only works when we don't cave.
So I hope that is a huge encouragement to you.
Limit setting.
Straight to the neutral limit if the behavior is already taking place,
then the 3-step limit setting process,
then if the child is unwilling or unable to comply with the limit on the 3rd go round,
(18:21):
we go to ultimate limit setting.
So Heather,
I hope that that's helpful and I hope that as you
do filial and as your child is in play therapy,
I hope that you see monumental changes.
I,
I'm looking forward to getting an update from you.
Please email me and let me know how things are going,
and thank you so much for the email.
For those of you that are in a similar situation,
dealing with big feelings,
(18:42):
big emotions,
big behaviors,
limit setting process is the most effective tool in your toolbox.
So I hope that encourages you,
and again,
Heather,
thank you for sharing.
All right,
I appreciate y'all so much.
Thank you for the commitment that you make to your kids.
Thank you for the commitment that you make to your families,
and thanks for allowing me to be a small part of it.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to
(19:03):
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
awareness,
and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am answering a question from Heather,
(00:22):
and Heather is currently going through a divorce and is asking
quite a few questions about how to handle
assisting their child with the adjustment
and some of the behavior things that are coming up from that.
So Heather,
thank you so much for the email.
I really appreciate it
and hopefully we can dive into this and,
and really kind of make sense of
(00:44):
what we can do to assist from a child-centered play therapy perspective.
And if you all would like to reach out to me,
I would love to hear from you brenna@thekidcounselor.com or you can,
if you're in the states,
you can call the voicemail number,
which is 813-812-5525,
and you can leave me a voicemail message and
I can answer your question from the voicemail.
(01:06):
OK,
so let me read parts of the email from Heather,
and then we'll kind of dive in together.
I'm writing because I'm currently going through a divorce.
I think my husband would probably be diagnosed
with a personality disorder if he was tested.
I listened to the podcast about the effects of divorce,
and now I'm scared for my child,
having been deployed to war 4 times and knowing and
(01:26):
understanding the effects that has and seeing it firsthand.
By the way,
Heather,
thank you so much for serving our country and for everything that you've done for us.
My child has had a handful of different behavioral challenges,
and I was trying to gentle parent and muddling through.
I'm now working with a play therapist.
I'm so happy to hear that,
and I'm doing filial therapy,
good for you.
It's different than the parenting that I was raised with
(01:48):
and in 2022 when my soon to be ex first deployed
and our first au pair was with us for two years,
had to leave.
That was when my son,
who is now 415 and was then 2,
started biting kids
at the time I had to put him in daycare because I lost individual care.
He's now in preschool and he has continued to be
aggressive with other children and is also aggressive with me.
(02:09):
The aggression and biting returned in early November around the
time my husband threatened to take our son from me
and after me leaving the house,
and we're now splitting time with our son.
How do I balance helping my child through the trauma of the
divorce with the behavioral challenges with the influence from his dad?
I want my child to be resilient,
self-contained,
and not entitled,
and I want him to stop hurting other kids and myself.
(02:32):
I welcome any thoughts.
All right,
Heather,
so multi-layered for sure,
and
I will try my best to kind of look at each of these individual components,
but
let me just celebrate the fact that you're pursuing play therapy
and doing filial.
For those of you that are not familiar with that,
it is a parenting training program that teaches you as the parent to
(02:54):
actually use the play therapy skills with your child at your home.
And so,
I'm so encouraged to hear that,
Heather,
and I know that that will just make a world of difference for you and your son,
and specifically your relationship,
because let's go back to the heart of why
we do what we do.
It's to preserve the relationship.
And based on what you've described,
(03:15):
you've been deployed,
your husband has been deployed.
He had an au pair,
for those of you that don't know,
fancy way to say nanny,
basically someone that
takes care of your child when you can't,
and
that person that was with him for two years,
which becomes a parent figure and there's attachment
and there's connection and there's relationship there,
(03:35):
you've left,
your husband has left,
and then your au pair leaves.
So,
your son has been through a lot of
fractured relationships and,
and for no fault of you all,
you serve in the military,
thank you for that.
And there are sacrifices that you make every day,
and this is one of them.
That said,
your child is now struggling because
(03:58):
there needs to be relationship repair.
Then pile on top
that now there's a divorce and separation going.
So now here's another uprooting,
and now there's OK,
so now I'm only with dad part of the time,
mom part of the time,
and again this is relationship that needs to be repaired.
This is why you're listening to this podcast.
(04:18):
This is why you're pursuing filial therapy,
because what we know about this approach
is that
it preserves the relationship
and it puts the relationship at the heart of everything we do.
Let's go back to the four pillars.
If you're new to the podcast,
please go back and at least start at season 2,
but it would actually be better if you go back and listen to season 1.
If you're not familiar with the four pillars,
(04:40):
it's the 4 basic ways that we interact with our children.
We reflect their feelings,
we set limits,
we give them choices,
and we encourage them.
It's relationship preserving.
We have our rules of thumb and our tenets
and our philosophies that undergird everything we do.
We focus on the relationship,
not the problem.
Just noticing a child is a powerful builder of self-esteem.
(05:02):
If we can't say it in 10 words or less,
don't say it.
We have all of these principles
that guide and direct our interactions with our kids.
So Heather,
every time that you are using these pillars,
every time
that you let these rules of thumb and
these tenants support what you're saying and doing,
it's repairing relationship,
it's building relationship,
(05:23):
there's connection,
there's communication,
there's trust,
there's respect,
there's all of the things that need to be repaired
because
through all of these experiences,
he has felt that some of these things are unsteady and unstable.
So as you are starting to pour into him,
it will naturally adjust that.
(05:44):
Now,
let's normalize a little bit.
He started biting kids.
It's an emotional and a behavioral reaction
to what's going on internally.
He has pent up emotion,
he's little,
doesn't have language skills,
doesn't have self-control,
doesn't have emotional vocabulary.
The only way I know how to release this
(06:05):
is aggressive behavior,
and biting is an easy thing for kids to do.
So that's actually very age appropriate number one,
but it's also understandable
based on the circumstances.
He was dealing with so much emotionally and he didn't know
how to channel that appropriately.
No,
no 2.5 year old does.
(06:26):
Let's be really clear,
we cannot expect a 2 year old to channel their emotions appropriately.
They're here and now,
they're emotional beings,
and they're going to show you how they feel.
So his biting is his demonstration
of the upheaval that he's feeling.
That's appropriate.
And then you say that he's continued to be
(06:46):
aggressive with other children and aggressive with you.
OK,
what we know
is that
the child will naturally.
I have a tendency to anyway,
doesn't always work this way,
but children have a tendency
to be at their worst
for the person that unconditionally loves them the most.
So Heather,
you might be the safe place for him to land.
(07:08):
If he knows that you're going to
unconditionally love him and unconditionally accept him
and even at his worst
you love him through it anyway.
He will hold it together for other people as much as possible
and then fall apart with you.
So often kids are the most aggressive with the person they feel the safest with,
and that doesn't seem to make sense
at an adult cognitive intellectual level,
(07:31):
but it makes perfect sense to a child because
you'll love me tomorrow even if I yell at you today.
And there's no fear
that
uh if I take it too far,
they won't love me anymore.
So while that's hard being in that position,
Heather,
it does indicate the kind of relationship that you might have
built with him and that he defaults to that belief.
(07:55):
However,
we know
that aggression warrants an immediate limit,
no matter what.
So you said that the aggression and the biting returned in
November when your husband threatened to take him from you.
Of course,
he would have aggression again because he's upheaved again and he's scared.
And
after you left the house,
it's another huge change for him,
(08:16):
huge upheaval.
So kids will naturally default to what they've always done.
Humans default to what they've always done,
let's be clear.
But kids specifically behaviorally and emotionally,
they will default to what they've always done
because it's easy and it requires no work.
However,
if he's being aggressive with you,
it warrants an immediate limit.
(08:38):
So as soon as he hits or kicks or bites or whatever it is,
Heather,
you jump straight to the limit.
I am not for hurting.
And if you are familiar with limit setting,
notice that I went straight to the communicate the limit.
I did not reflect the feeling first.
We only do that before the behavior,
not during the behavior.
(09:01):
So if he's already being aggressive,
it's straight to the limit.
I am not for hurting.
And if you need to hold his arm,
if you need to hold his leg,
if you need to stop
the behavior,
You do it calmly,
you do it neutrally,
you're not emotional,
you're not reactive.
You're not
grabbing at his arm and making it's not a big production.
(09:24):
You just hold it firmly and you say,
I am not for hitting.
If he's able to control himself,
you let go.
If he tries again,
you hold it again,
and you say,
I am not for hitting.
I am not for kicking.
Then you go back through the process.
You're upset.
You're angry,
(09:45):
you're frustrated,
you're scared,
you're confused,
whatever it is that you think he's feeling.
Please do not default.
This is for everyone.
Please do not default to your mad or you're angry.
Aggression is very rarely about anger.
It's usually about a vulnerable emotion that they're masking.
(10:06):
So be really intentional about looking into your child's eyes.
Let's go back to the reflecting feelings pillar.
Look into your child's eyes and get a clue.
Please don't assume that they're mad.
They're probably not.
That's just their mask.
They're probably trying to hide a vulnerable emotion.
So
you're confused,
(10:27):
you're worried,
you're upset,
you're scared,
you're frustrated,
you're irritated,
you're annoyed,
whatever.
Probably not angry.
But I am never for hurting.
If you want to enlarge it,
since this is happening with children as well,
people are never for hurting.
People are not for hitting,
people are not for kicking,
(10:47):
people are not for biting.
You can go broad or you can go specific,
which with me,
I am not for.
Now,
if we stop there,
the missing link is the choice and the returning of responsibility.
He needs to have alternatives.
So
you can choose to punch.
The pillows on the couch.
(11:09):
Or you can choose to kick.
The beanbag chair.
I don't know what your options are.
I'm just throwing out hypotheticals.
If he needs a release for the aggression.
If he has all of this pent up stuff and he needs to get it out,
he needs to have opportunities to do that,
but it needs to be appropriate.
(11:30):
So if he can punch the pillows on the couch,
or if he can kick a beanbag chair,
or if he can
pummel his stuffed animals,
whatever it is.
You give him alternatives,
Heather.
So let's go through this all together.
People are not for hitting.
I am not for hurting,
whatever you want to say.
Start there,
then go through the three-step process.
(11:51):
You're really angry,
you're really sad,
you're really upset.
You're really whatever,
whatever is the most appropriate emotion.
But I am never for hurting.
You can choose to punch the pillows on the couch
or you can choose to kick the beanbag chair,
which do you choose?
And the goal is that he learns to self regulate,
(12:12):
he learns to self-control.
And here's the beauty of this limit setting involves 3
of the pillars,
all in one.
So this is kind of,
uh,
this is a bonus,
one fell swoop for 3.
You're reflecting his feelings,
which means he's building an emotional vocabulary.
You're setting neutral limits,
so he's learning to regulate.
(12:33):
And you're giving him choices,
so he's learning self-control and ownership of outcome.
And Heather,
you specifically said,
how do I help him
through the trauma and the behavioral challenges.
I want him to be resilient,
self-controlled,
and not entitled and stop hurting others.
Well,
limit setting is,
is your path
because you reflect his feelings,
you set a neutral limit and you give him choices,
(12:55):
you'll achieve all of those goals through that process.
And be consistent.
Now,
if he violates the limit 3 times,
so you've made it very clear you're not for hitting,
kicking,
biting,
whatever is going on,
and he does it.
And he does it 3 times.
You move to ultimate limit setting,
which I don't think we've talked about it often,
(13:17):
but let me just refresh for those of you
that have been veteran listeners from the very beginning.
If you're new to this,
get a,
get a notepad.
Once the child is unwilling or unable to comply with the limit 3 times,
you move to ultimate limit setting.
So in that scenario,
you say,
I'm gonna say that your son's name is Jake.
I don't know.
(13:37):
So you say,
Jake.
You've chosen to hit me and you know that I'm not for hitting.
If you choose to hit me,
you choose negative consequence.
It needs to be a doozy.
He's 4,
it has to be immediate,
and it has to be that day only.
Can't be later that night.
It can't be later that week.
(13:57):
It can't be this weekend.
It has to be immediate
because his
time frame is very skewed.
So there has to be immediacy,
and it has to be his currency.
What matters to him.
Is it time with his friends?
Is it snuggle time before bed?
Is it reading a book together?
Is it dessert,
whatever it is?
(14:18):
It has to be immediate and it has to be that day.
Never let it carry over.
He's too young.
So
Jake,
you.
Chose to hurt me and you know that I'm not for hurting.
If you choose to do it again,
you're choosing negative consequence.
If you choose not to hurt me
and you choose to kick
(14:39):
the beanbag instead,
you choose to keep
said thing.
You choose to have said thing.
Make sure that you give the positive and the negative.
If you choose positive,
then you choose positive.
If you choose negative,
then you choose negative.
Which do you choose?
Notice that I said the word choose 5 times.
It doesn't work without saying choose 5 times.
(15:01):
It's not the same thing to say if you do that again,
I'm going to,
if you don't do that again,
you're going to,
those are threats.
The child learns nothing about self-control and self-responsibility.
It's a choice
If you choose positive,
you choose positive.
If you choose negative,
you choose negative,
which do you choose?
And then here's the beauty heather and for all the rest of us.
(15:25):
You would always choose for him to have the best things.
You would choose for him to have dessert or have the book,
or have the cuddle time,
or have time with friends,
or have his favorite TV show,
whatever.
You would always choose for him to have those things,
but sometimes he's going to choose not to.
It's not your burden.
It's not your responsibility.
(15:47):
You're not the disciplinarian.
You're not the ruler with the iron fist.
You very calmly,
very neutrally.
Very light.
You're able to say,
I see you've chosen
to have dessert tonight because you chose not to hurt me,
or I see you've chosen not to have dessert tonight because you chose to hit me,
but you can try again tomorrow.
(16:09):
And Heather and all the rest of you.
If your child chooses the negative consequence.
That child chooses the negative consequence.
This does not work if you give in.
When he cries,
when he throws a fit,
when he tries to hit you again,
when he screams,
when he throws himself on the ground,
when there's alligator tears pouring out of his eyes,
(16:31):
and he's screaming and crying,
and it's a terrible,
horrible,
no good day.
You do not give in.
And here's how you stalwart yourself against it,
and here's how you make sure that you stick to it.
He chose.
He chose
that outcome
you didn't.
And you're not choosing to make his life miserable,
(16:52):
you're just enforcing the choice that he made.
So you reflect feelings and you let him know that tomorrow's a new day.
Oh,
you're so disappointed that you chose to hit me
and you chose not to have dessert tonight,
but you can try again tomorrow.
No,
oh,
you're really upset,
but you chose to hit me,
but you can try again tomorrow.
(17:14):
At the very moment that you chose to hurt me,
it was at that very moment that you chose not to have books tonight,
but you can try again tomorrow.
Guess what?
You're going to outwit and outlast and outplay your child.
I talk about this with my therapists all the time.
You're going to outwit,
outlast and outplay.
One of you is going to give in and it's not going to be you.
(17:36):
Because choice giving falls apart and limit setting falls apart if you cave.
Because guess what the child learns.
Well,
I just have to escalate and I get my way.
True,
we don't want that.
You know what we want?
Dang,
that was terrible.
I didn't get books 3 nights in a row.
I'm not doing that anymore.
I'll just stop hitting her.
(17:57):
It's not worth it.
Self-control.
Self-regulation
It only works when we don't cave.
So I hope that is a huge encouragement to you.
Limit setting.
Straight to the neutral limit if the behavior is already taking place,
then the 3-step limit setting process,
then if the child is unwilling or unable to comply with the limit on the 3rd go round,
(18:21):
we go to ultimate limit setting.
So Heather,
I hope that that's helpful and I hope that as you
do filial and as your child is in play therapy,
I hope that you see monumental changes.
I,
I'm looking forward to getting an update from you.
Please email me and let me know how things are going,
and thank you so much for the email.
For those of you that are in a similar situation,
dealing with big feelings,
(18:42):
big emotions,
big behaviors,
limit setting process is the most effective tool in your toolbox.
So I hope that encourages you,
and again,
Heather,
thank you for sharing.
All right,
I appreciate y'all so much.
Thank you for the commitment that you make to your kids.
Thank you for the commitment that you make to your families,
and thanks for allowing me to be a small part of it.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to
(19:03):
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
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