S2E36 - Power Struggles & Choice Giving: What to Do When a Child Says “Nothing”

In this episode, I answer a question from Anne in Germany about her three-year-old daughter who refuses to choose when given enforcement choices. Instead of picking an option, she repeatedly says nothing, creating a power struggle around limit-setting.

I explain why choosing "nothing" is still a choice and how to handle this scenario without engaging in a battle of wills. I walk through how to calmly and confidently remind children that choosing not to choose means the parent will choose for them—and why this approach teaches self-control, responsibility, and cause-and-effect thinking. If you’ve ever struggled with a child refusing to make a choice when offered in a child-giving for enforcement scenario, this episode provides a clear, Play Therapy Parenting strategy to resolve it.

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Common References:
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

Episode Transcript

(00:02):
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
awareness,
and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am answering a question from Anne in Germany.

(00:23):
So,
hello to all of my German listeners.
Thank you for hanging out with me.
My
mom and dad's side both have German ancestry,
so
I can very poorly speak a little bit of German,
but
I won't embarrass myself doing it on air.
So anyway,
thanks for hanging out with me all the way on the other side of the world and,

(00:44):
and thank you for the question.
So,
This is actually a little bit of
a celebration moment and a win as well as a question.
So I'm gonna read parts of her email
and we'll dive in.
This is about when her daughter
chooses not to choose.
So that's a really helpful question and thank you so much for,

(01:04):
for emailing in.
OK,
so I'm gonna read parts of the podcast and then we'll process this together.
I found your podcast 2.5 years ago.
wow,
you've been listening for a long time,
and I'm excited about that.
I always thought that consequences are not allowed in the new parenting styles,
and I thought that my 6 year old son couldn't regulate,
but he can.
He is so much calmer with choice giving and limit setting,

(01:25):
and he is now responsible for his own regulation,
and I am not such a game changer.
Yes,
absolutely.
I'm so glad that you found that helpful.
OK,
so on to the question.
My daughter,
who is 3,
responded well on choice giving and limit setting in the past,
but we have problems with limit setting since the last few weeks.
When we set the limit and tell her the choice and the consequence,
she just says nothing.

(01:47):
So she doesn't choose any of the given choices.
We then repeat it,
but she just blocks by repeating nothing again and again.
She started old behavior again like whining and being clingy,
and I have the feeling that she needs the boundaries and limits
and lost the orientation that they give her.
How can we react?
Thank you so much.
All right,
so
let's start with a couple of just big picture things.

(02:09):
First and foremost,
she's 3.
And there's a huge development surge around the age of 3,
so I suspect this is truly just an age appropriate shift in cognitive capacity.
So as she starts to be able to think more
and also around the 3 year development mark,
they also start to want more independence.

(02:32):
So this is why we will see
children around that age start to say no to things.
And while why they start to
ask why and think more because their brain actually has the capacity to do so.
So I think that this is actually a normal part of childhood and it's age appropriate.
However,

(02:52):
we also know that when we provide choices.
If it is an empowerment choice,
it is just for the sake of choices.
So you can choose to have an apple or you can choose to have an orange for lunch,
which do you choose?
So that is an empowerment choice solely for the purpose
of giving the child an opportunity to have some control.

(03:12):
An enforcement choice,
on the other hand,
is tied to a limit.
And it sounds as though maybe this is
maybe happening in both scenarios.
I'm not sure.
You didn't give me a specific,
oh yes,
you did.
You said when we set the limit.
OK,
so that means that this is an enforcement choice scenario.
So once a limit has been set
and we provide the choices,

(03:33):
if she says nothing,
here's the beauty of limit setting and enforcement choices,
y'all.
Nothing
is also a choice.
So if you say you can choose A or you can choose B and she says nothing.
You're going to very calmly say,
hm
you are choosing not to say A or B,

(03:56):
but that's not part of the choice.
The choices are
A
or B,
which do you choose?
Nothing.
Oh,
you don't like either one of those choices,
but that's not part of the choice to say nothing.
The choices are
you can choose A or you can choose B,
which do you choose?
And similarly,
when we do limit setting and then have to move into ultimate limits,

(04:20):
we're going to do it 3 times.
So you're going to remind her that that's not part of the choice,
that's your phrase,
mm
choosing nothing is not part of the choice.
But here's what we need to understand as parents with cognitive capacity.
That is in fact a choice.
Choosing nothing is a choice.

(04:40):
Now,
we don't necessarily need to say that to her,
but that informs the way that we respond moving forward.
Because if after 3 rounds,
She is still,
as you say,
blocking,
repeating nothing again and again.
Then we move to ultimate limit
on choosing,
which is a little bit different than the standard ultimate limit.

(05:01):
So in this case,
it's
daughter's name.
If you choose not to choose,
you choose for me to choose for you.
Which do you choose?
So at that point we are making it very clear that she is choosing not to choose
by saying nothing.
And if she chooses not to choose,

(05:22):
then she is choosing for you to choose.
And often
what we choose is not necessarily what the child would have chosen.
So almost always that gives pause,
and the child is like,
oh,
do I really want mom or dad or whomever to be the one
that makes this decision for me?

(05:43):
Often that will help the child choose.
However,
if she still says nothing.
Then you very calmly,
very rationally,
very factually
say.
Daughter's name,
you've chosen not to choose,
so you've chosen for me to choose either A or B,
whichever

(06:04):
you choose.
And
if it just so happens that
you chose A and she would have chosen A,
that might not be a huge moment of this regulation or upheaval.
If you choose A and she would have chosen B.
One of two things is likely to happen.
She's either going to
really get upset.

(06:25):
No,
no,
no,
no,
no,
I choose the other one.
I choose the other one.
No,
no,
no,
no.
Or
She's going to
backpedal and say,
no,
never mind.
So she's gonna get really disregulated and upset.
And hope that that will get her way,
or she's going to then at that point choose to choose.

(06:45):
And here's your favorite phrase,
daughter's name?
You're disappointed
that you chose for me to choose for you.
But the very moment that you chose not to make the choice,
it was at that very moment that you chose for me to choose for you.
And yes,
you have to say choose and choice and chose a lot,

(07:05):
and that's on purpose.
So just rehearse that in the shower or in the mirror or when you're driving or
whatever you're doing that where you can
just focus your brain on practicing something.
Work through those phrases over and over and
over again till they become muscle memory.
Because here's what we're trying to teach your daughter,
Anne.

(07:25):
We're trying to help her understand.
Choices have consequences.
And the very moment that a choice is made,
there is a consequence tied to it.
This helps develop self-control.
This helps develop self-regulation.
This helps develop ownership
and responsibility.

(07:47):
So when she about faces and says,
no,
no,
no,
I choose whatever or she loses it in either scenario,
you reflect,
hm
you really wish that you would have chosen,
but you chose for me to choose for you
when you chose not to choose.
That is a very powerful lesson

(08:09):
in the immediacy
of choices
and how there's a ripple effect
to whatever decision is made.
And that's ultimately what we're trying to help children build
is self-control,
self regulation,
self-awareness.
And that actions have consequences.
That's a very powerful lesson.
And here's what will happen,
Anne,

(08:29):
and all of you that are likely going to find yourself in this situation.
This happens all the time in play sessions,
by the way.
What will inevitably happen is,
Your daughter will choose only once or maybe twice
not to choose.
And she will very quickly realize it's not worth it.
And she will very quickly realize that she does not want you to choose.

(08:51):
So she will start choosing
because
the danger of you choosing is too great.
And that's inevitably what children are gaining.
I do have control over this.
I do have some power in this situation.
So I'm going to choose to take it,

(09:11):
so that I am happier with the outcome.
And that's how kids learn
that.
The future is tied to the current moment.
Anne from Germany,
thank you so much for the email,
and I hope that's helpful to each and every one of you.
We inevitably have power struggles with our children,
even when we're trying to provide them with power.
There's the irony by giving a child a choice,

(09:32):
you're actually giving them a sense of control and power,
but sometimes they will still power struggle through it.
So when they say,
no,
neither.
I'm not,
I'm,
I'm not picking either one of those.
No.
No,
I'm not choosing whatever the battle is.
You know,
it's a battle of the wills.
That's OK.
We can outlast them.
And so you remain calm,

(09:52):
you remain adherent to CCPT principles,
you use choices,
you use limit setting,
and the goal is
that they are very clearly aware.
That what they choose is tied to what's to come.
And it will only happen once or twice before they say,
oh,
no,
no,
I don't want that to happen again,
and they will start choosing.

(10:13):
All right,
if you'd like to reach out to me to say hello,
to have me answer one of your questions,
to post something that's going on in your parenting,
I'd love to hear from you [e-mail].
Brenna with two Ns,
singular kid,
[e-mail].
If you're in the states,
you can also leave a voicemail for me to answer a question at 813-812-5525.

(10:35):
Thanks so much for hanging out with me each week.
I really appreciate y'all.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.