S2E39 - Potty Training Power Struggles: What’s Really Going On?

In this episode, I answer a question from Claire, a mom of 4-year-old twins, who’s navigating the challenges of potty training and trying to decide if limits or consequences are appropriate when accidents happen. I talk through the developmental reality of toileting at this age, the somatic and emotional components that impact bodily regulation, and why accidents—even when a child “should know better”—are often not about defiance.

I also share why I don’t recommend using rewards or taking things away for potty behavior, and how to respond calmly and neutrally with a gentle reminder of expectations instead. Whether you’re in the middle of potty training or just want insight on how kids express control and process emotion through their bodies, this episode will help you shift perspective and parent with more patience and confidence.

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Common References:
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

Episode Transcript

(00:02):
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
awareness,
and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am answering a question from Claire,

(00:22):
and Claire
has
4 year old twins,
and her question is about their potty training and toileting.
And how to navigate the ebbs and flows of all of that.
So,
Claire,
thank you so much for the email.
I appreciate you writing in and,
and allowing me to share this with everyone.

(00:42):
So
this will be really helpful now you might
not have children in the toilet training stage,
but
this will still be helpful because it will
provide you with insight about children in general
and
currency and limits and all the things that are going to be involved in this,
so hang with me even if you don't have toilet training kids.
So let me read parts of Claire's email and then we'll dive in together.

(01:05):
I'm really struggling with twins.
They are nearly 4.
They've been using the potty since 3 months old.
We've had them in pants since 2-ish,
as although they weren't fully toilet trained,
they were telling us when they needed to use the toilet and
were suffering with sore skin from grandparents not wiping away pee fully.
We've gone through periods of total dryness,
periods of only having one wet pair of pants a day,
and others of really wet pants.

(01:27):
I can't spot any really obvious pattern changes,
but I do struggle with consistency in my approach,
as sometimes I tell them to go to the toilet when it's obvious they need to
and periods where I try to let them decide.
I'm trying to remain neutral to accidents,
but I find it incredibly difficult as it is very clear
when they can feel the need to use the toilet.
This means that it feels to me they are deciding something else is more important.

(01:49):
I find it more challenging because I have to deal with
them racing each other to use the toilet in the house,
not going to the toilet quickly because they're
trying to stop their sibling from getting their toy
or various other twin related issues.
My current conundrum is I don't know how to harness
their currency as they tend to have two of everything
and do lots of things together.
I don't wanna take away reading time with dad at bedtime

(02:10):
as that feels like it's making time with dad conditional.
I can't take away books as that impacts the other,
and I don't know if taking a bedtime toy away would negatively impact sleep.
I'm feeling a bit lost with this,
very frustrated,
and not knowing what step to take next.
Any thoughts on the matter would be appreciated.
All right,
Claire,
so.
Let's
go back to basics.

(02:31):
I think one of the most encouraging things that
I typically say to parents is
this too shall pass.
Put the power of this too shall pass at work in your life.
And
your twins are not going to be having bathroom accidents forever.
So I think that this is a perspective shift that needs to take place.

(02:52):
Everything with parenting
is a temporary season.
And usually,
for better or worse,
as soon as we conquer the one thing that was the one thing in the one season,
we're immediately into another season with another thing.
So there really isn't ever a respite from the things,
right,
but we just go from one to the next to the next.

(03:15):
This is a season of
toileting,
but it won't be permanent.
So I think sometimes just putting that this too shall pass to work in your minds
will
alleviate some of the frustration.
This is temporary.
I,
I often,
I've had parents come into my office and say.
I mean,
we're still having to wear pull-ups at night and we're still having

(03:36):
accidents and they're 4 or 5 or whatever and I'm like,
your kid is not going to graduate high school
peeing themselves and wearing a pull up to sleep.
I promise.
OK,
so it's just perspective,
I think number one,
and I know you're in the throes of having 3 year
old twins and you know that is a lot to manage.
So sometimes perspective is helpful.
So I hope that that is a little bit of a perspective shift.

(03:58):
Secondly,
The fact that they have been using the toilet since 3 months old,
that is
almost unheard of,
and I know there are schools of thought on
infant using toilets,
etc.
but
generally speaking,
that is not standard
childhood pace.
So
although yours have been using the toilet since very young,

(04:20):
it's not consistently
developmentally appropriate
for kids that young to be using the toilet.
Most children are in diapers
through 3 or 4.
And if they're not in diapers through 3 or 4,
they're still having accidents in underwear at 3 and 4.
So I think we also have to keep in
mind age appropriate developmentally appropriate standards and expectations.

(04:45):
Your
children have been
using the toilet since they were very young,
but that doesn't mean that having an accident at 3
is wild and strange.
It's actually very within the normal range of 3 year old behavior.
And then as far as setting limits and having currency,
I think if we understand that this is developmentally appropriate.

(05:08):
I think that it warrants a different perspective
because I actually don't think that we need to use currency here.
I actually don't think that we need to set limits here.
This is age appropriate 3 year old behavior.
3 year olds still have accidents.
4 year olds still have accidents,
and sometimes
you are like,
what in the world is going on?

(05:29):
You haven't had an accident in a month and now you've had 3 in 3 days.
What is going on?
You have to keep in mind
several things.
Number one,
kids only have control over a handful of things.
Eating,
sleeping,
toileting behavior.
That's pretty much it.

(05:50):
So if a child needs or wants control.
Toileting is one of those things over which they have control.
They can refuse to go,
they can.
Go
where they're not supposed to,
they can go when they're not supposed to.
They can hold it,
they can refuse to go on the toilet,
they can refuse to

(06:10):
not be in a diaper,
whatever.
We have all kinds
of toileting power struggles
because there are only a handful of things over which kids have control.
I'm not saying that's true of your twins,
I'm just saying that is a consideration.
Another consideration
is that
somatic.
Sensations,
meaning anything related in the body physiologically

(06:34):
to emotions that the children are experiencing.
It is almost always related to
urinary and gastrointestinal function.
So,
when kids
get stressed,
when they're tired,
when their bodies are taxed,
when they've been emotional for positive or negative,

(06:56):
They are less likely to be able to regulate their bodily functions,
both urinary and gastrointestinal.
And I know you said you don't see any
clear
cues or clear reasons,
pattern changes,
whatever,
but maybe when they have accidents,
it's when they're at their most tired.
Maybe when they have accidents,
it's when they're at their most emotional.

(07:16):
Maybe they've had a really busy day and they
just don't have it in them to control their body
because a lot of it is somatic.
So there are all kinds of reasons why a child will have accidents,
and I don't think that it's purposeful.
I don't think they're deciding something else is more important.
I think this is just age appropriate
and understandable for 3 year olds

(07:37):
based on the somatic nature of things,
the control need of children
and the fact that they're 3.
So I would not set limits on this.
You can pseudo limit set,
however,
so here's what that would look like,
Claire.
You peed in your underwear,
but you know that
the toilet is for peeing in.

(07:59):
Notice that it's calm,
it's neutral.
It's a pseudo limit.
They do know that the toilet is for peeing in.
So you remind them of that,
but there are no alternatives offered.
There are no choices provided.
Why?
Because you just want to remind them that that's the expectation.
They already know,
it's just a reminder,

(08:19):
so notice that we said,
you know that the toilet is for peeing in.
We don't necessarily want to set a limit on a behavior that a child
doesn't have a lot of control over and or that we can't pinpoint cause.
If you could clearly say
it is because of this,
it is when this,
it is,
you know,
related to this,
then we might potentially want to set a limit,

(08:40):
but without cause
we just want to make it known what the expectation is.
And as far as your insight about not taking away reading
with dad at bedtime because it makes time with dad conditional,
that is really,
really insightful,
really helpful and really on target.
We would never use a relationship

(09:00):
as a currency
in any situation.
Because that relationship is
unconditionally loved,
unconditionally accepted.
And so that time is important regardless of behavior.
You can't earn dad's love,
you can't
Lose dad's love.
That's really important that we never use that as currency when we set limits.

(09:23):
And so
Claire,
I hope that's helpful for you.
I would just make it very known to your twins
every time they have an accident,
hm,
you peed in your underwear,
but you know that the toilet is for peeing in.
It's just gentle reminder,
neutral and calm,
so that they're able to start being more
mindful and developmentally it will sort itself out.

(09:45):
It's just patience in the meantime.
So I hope that's helpful to you,
Claire.
I hope that's helpful for each and every one of you,
especially when
there are scenarios where you're trying to figure out what
limit should be set or what currency should be used.
So hopefully there were some takeaways for each and every one of you.
Claire,
I really appreciate you sending the email.
Thanks for letting me share that.
If you would like to reach out to me and you'd

(10:06):
like to share a question or a comment with me,
please do [e-mail].
I'd love to hear from you.
And I appreciate y'all.
Thank you for your time with me each week.
Thanks for pouring into your kids
and your parenting
and trying to be adherent to a gentle and kind way to raise your kids.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr.

(10:29):
Brenna Hicks.
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please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.