April 17, 2025 • 14 mins
In this episode, I talk about how to have honest, age-appropriate conversations with your child when a death occurs—especially when it’s sudden and unexpected. I walk through how to talk to children in a way that gives them truth without overwhelming them, and why sparing them from information often does more harm than good.
I also explain how grief looks different in children than in adults, how developmental stages impact the grieving process over time, and how to support your child through those recurring waves. I share practical suggestions for closure, guidance on when to seek therapy, and how to respond neutrally to tough questions so your child feels safe continuing the conversation.
Episode References:
How to be truthful with your kids, even when the truth is hard!
https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/how-to-be-truthful-with-your-kids-even-when-the-truth-is-hard/
Ask Me Questions: Call (813) 812-5525, or email: brenna@thekidcounselor.com
Podcast HQ: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/
My Newsletter Signup: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/newsletter/
My Podcast Partner, Gabb Wireless: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/gabb/
Common References:
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
enlightenment and awareness about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am talking about how to
(00:25):
speak to your children
if a death occurs in the family,
in your immediate family.
And I've actually had several people reach out about this topic,
so rather than read a specific email,
I figure I would just cover it kind of as a topical discussion.
And I think one of the consistent concerns
is
how do I
(00:46):
appropriately handle
a discussion that is difficult,
number one.
Also,
how do I know what to say?
And then third,
what is too little or too much and you know how is my child going to receive
this kind of information?
So there's a lot of unknown,
there's a lot of insecurity,
(01:06):
and I want to alleviate some of that.
I think it'd be really helpful for us to process this together
because death is a part of life
and so it's very common for children to experience death even in early childhood.
Whether it's a pet,
a
grandparent,
a parent,
often,
sometimes siblings,
(01:27):
so there are people that are close to kids
that pass away,
and we need to be able to handle that
appropriately and I think the more confident we are
going into that discussion,
the more equipped we feel and the more effective that it is.
So I wanted to just kind of hit some thoughts
on
(01:47):
maybe best practice and things to consider
if you are in a situation where you need to
have a conversation about death with your child.
I want to make you aware there are several episodes that I've recorded earlier in
season one,
specifically about how to talk about a grandparent's illness and death,
(02:07):
and then also how to
have difficult conversations with age appropriate truth.
So there are several episodes that have talked about similar concepts before.
If you'd like to go back and search the episodes to find
those that might be helpful in addition to this episode as well.
So I think it's really important
to recognize that if there is a sudden death,
(02:31):
it is different than if there is prolonged illness,
for example.
So
it's easier to prepare a child
for impending death because we know it's coming
because of something chronic or pervasive or prolonged
versus something that happens completely unexpectedly because that's more of a
shock for everyone of course but also for the child.
(02:54):
So when we know that
there is likely
death coming.
We can prepare a child in advance,
but often if there is an unexpected death,
there's no preparation whatsoever,
so then it's just
a very whammy kind of conversation that we have to have.
And so I just wanted to make it clear that
(03:14):
those are going to be handled differently and I'm specifically
today
speaking about when we cannot prepare them ahead of time.
So if something happens unexpectedly,
what are the ways that we can most effectively handle that?
First and foremost,
I think it's important to acknowledge that your children need the truth.
(03:34):
Many adults try to spare the child end quote from the truth
because they think they can't handle it,
they're not ready for it.
It will be too hurtful,
they won't understand.
I just don't want them to know that there's all
kinds of reasons and rationalizing that we use as adults,
but we have to keep in mind
we're intellectual and rational and cognitive beings,
(03:56):
and kids aren't.
So we can reason and rationalize our decisions,
but what children need from us is the truth.
The truth is a gift for children
because when they are told the truth age appropriately.
That's why that other episode I did is about age appropriate truths for for kids.
We have to be mindful that
(04:17):
they just need enough so that they're not trying to fill in missing information
and they're not trying to fill gaps
with things that are inaccurate or misunderstood.
If we don't provide them with the truth,
they create their own.
That's what I think often we fail to realize when we spare our kids,
air quote,
spare our kids from the truth.
(04:38):
They create their own truth and it's usually inaccurate.
So it is far more important and helpful for
them to just have age-appropriate truth shared with them.
So,
last night,
when
Grandpa was asleep,
his heart stopped.
It's just that simple.
It's age appropriate truth.
(05:00):
Why?
Because,
oh,
Grandpa went on a trip or Grandpa,
Grandpa moved to a different state or you're not gonna see Grandpa
anymore because he's not gonna be able to come see you anymore.
We think that that suffices and we think that it's enough and it's not
because kids will create their own stories,
they'll write their own narratives
and they come up with truth that's not truth.
(05:22):
So the truth is a gift.
I think that's really important.
I think we also need to process what grief looks like in children.
It's very different than it is for adults.
So I think you need to be prepared for that as well.
I did my practicum when I was in grad school
with the Child and Family Service department at hospice.
So we worked with children specifically
(05:42):
who had recently lost a family member or loved one
to illness or they have a chronically ill family member with impending death
and it was so fascinating to me the way that kids process their grief
because they're emotional and experiential.
So one second they're
throwing a ball,
(06:03):
the next second they're talking about whoever it is that died.
And it gets really deep and really heavy for a very short amount of time.
They ask really hard questions,
they
really want to talk or find something out or deal with something,
and then they immediately go,
OK,
let's play ball again.
And for us as adults,
it's jarring.
(06:25):
And it seems like it's a ping pong ball and it's like,
oh my gosh,
how did we go from
light to heavy to light just like that,
but they are not going to think their way through it.
They just feel their way through it.
So it's a very different process we need to be prepared for that.
We cannot expect children to grieve
the way that adults do and let's
also acknowledge that every person grieves differently.
(06:48):
There are 5 stages of grief.
I don't know if y'all are familiar with Kubler Ross's work,
but
there are 5 stages of grief,
and we know that all 5 stages have to be
walked through.
You can't walk around them,
you walk through them.
So we do inevitably experience the 5 stages of grief.
However,
it doesn't look the same for everyone.
It doesn't feel the same for everyone.
It's not in the same order for everyone.
(07:09):
So we can't have expectations of what grieving looks like across the board,
#1,
but specifically for children,
they grieve in fits and spurts.
So it will be out of the blue in the middle of dinner,
out of the blue in a car,
out of the blue while they're throwing a ball with you,
out of the blue in a random moment.
They bring it up,
(07:29):
it's very quick,
and then they move on.
So we need to be prepared for that.
It's a very different process for them.
I think another thing that we need to process is that children are going to grieve
developmentally appropriately.
Here's what I mean.
What a child can process at 5
is very different than what a child can process at 8,
is very different than what a child can process at 11.
(07:53):
So what will happen is the child will process at
5 what they understand death to be and mean,
but then at 8,
potentially
in the future,
it's going to come up again and it catches adults off guard.
Parents are like,
our dog died 4 years ago and out of the blue
now my kid is crying about the dog every single night.
Why has it taken 4 years for this to become a thing?
(08:16):
Well,
your child is at a different place intellectually now.
There's been a cognitive and brain surge development.
They're able to think their way through things more.
They are able to process things
from their thoughts as well as their feelings as they get older,
so they grieve in stages.
So just because they grieve once,
it doesn't mean that they're only going to grieve once.
(08:39):
Often as they mature and as they move through childhood,
they grieve as their developmental level allows them to.
So a 5 year old is not going to really be able to think through death.
It's too abstract of a concept.
8 or 9,
they've had a brain surge.
So
arguably they're able to think and understand what death is
(09:00):
more impactfully.
So they're going to process it again.
Then when they developed abstract reasoning around 12 or 13,
they'll probably deal with it again.
This is very,
very normal.
So,
we have to honor
the fact that
they don't just grieve until they're done grieving.
They grieve pretty consistently as their brain development allows them to.
(09:23):
And how do you know when therapy is needed for
a grieving child?
As a general rule,
and this isn't even just about grief,
this is just about children in general.
When
you look at a child
and whatever they're going through is impeding daily functioning.
So that can be anxiety,
(09:44):
that can be dysregulation,
that can be grief that can be trauma that can be
something that happened,
whatever the scenario is
if it is impacting and impeding daily function,
then it warrants getting them in therapy.
It's normal for a child to be emotional.
It's normal for a child to
have regressive behavior.
It's normal for a child to
(10:06):
seem out of sorts.
It's normal for a child to be disregulated
when they're going through grief.
But if it starts to impact and impede daily function,
then it probably is worth looking into play therapy
because the play therapist comes alongside the child and your family
and helps them to have that safe relationship and safe environment
(10:28):
to work through their stuff.
So be mindful that
there is
a long haul for grief with kids.
And if you are prepared for that,
it will not catch you off guard,
and we can handle anything
if we know that it's coming.
So just the awareness of it,
I think,
should be able to
(10:48):
encourage you there,
but also be mindful that your child needs closure.
So one of the things that I learned when I worked with hospice
is kids need to have a way to have closure for the relationship.
So sometimes it's drawing a picture for the loved one,
sometimes it's releasing balloons as a ceremonial closure,
(11:11):
sometimes it's having a photo
of the loved one placed in their room.
It's really important because they're not cognitive,
they need to have an emotional experiential connection.
to not only the life,
but also the loss.
So it's important to provide them with those opportunities for closure
and be open to having discussions.
(11:34):
Your neutrality and your preparedness for those conversations
will influence future conversations.
Here's what I mean.
If your child comes to you and says,
so is Grandpa gonna come back after he goes to heaven?
Is he gonna come back?
If you get really emotional,
(11:54):
if you react because you weren't expecting that question,
if it really upsets you because you're going through your own grief,
if you
don't tell the truth,
if you are uncomfortable with that conversation,
the child learns,
oh,
OK,
mom,
dad,
fill in the blank,
can't handle those kinds of questions.
I won't ask them anymore.
(12:15):
So the more neutral you can be,
the more open you can be,
the more welcoming you can be to those random questions and conversations
without your own emotions getting in the way.
And that's not to say that you're not grieving.
You probably loved the person that your child loved.
It's not about not grieving.
It's about being neutral enough to say,
(12:37):
I'm actually really sad and I miss that person too,
so I'm crying,
but it's normal to cry when you miss someone.
So it's not shield them from your emotion,
it's be honest about your emotion,
but it's being neutral
so that they feel comfortable talking to you.
If you run into another room and sob for 10 minutes,
they think they've done something wrong.
(12:58):
Oh,
I made mom,
dad,
so and so really sad.
I'm not gonna do that again.
So be really intentional with the way that you respond to those questions
and
age appropriate truth always.
A child's going to have a lot of questions about death.
That's a natural part of them making sense of what happened.
So you need to be able to answer those
(13:20):
questions and give them space for those questions.
They're not cognitive,
so when a question comes up,
it's rare that they're going to think through something.
So if they're thinking about it,
it's really important that that
conversation takes place neutrally and appropriately
because those are moments where they are able to receive truth
(13:40):
and that's really powerful.
So I hope that that's helpful for you.
I know that death is not an easy discussion for anyone.
It's certainly not easy when we're grieving ourselves,
but we do need to be equipped to handle that in an appropriate way.
So I hope that that was helpful and that it encourages you.
If you're walking that journey right now,
please reach out to hospice.
There are local hospice branches in most areas of the country,
(14:05):
and they provide bereavement counseling,
grief counseling.
Many of it is free.
So
I really encourage you if you are actively walking that path with your family,
I would encourage you to find your local hospice and and get involved with them.
They are an absolutely incredible organization
and obviously for your child's sake,
(14:25):
also consider child-centered play therapy so that a play therapist
can also help support your child and your family.
As you walk through that process.
All right,
I greatly appreciate y'all.
Thanks for hanging out with me each week.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
(14:47):
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
enlightenment and awareness about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am talking about how to
(00:25):
speak to your children
if a death occurs in the family,
in your immediate family.
And I've actually had several people reach out about this topic,
so rather than read a specific email,
I figure I would just cover it kind of as a topical discussion.
And I think one of the consistent concerns
is
how do I
(00:46):
appropriately handle
a discussion that is difficult,
number one.
Also,
how do I know what to say?
And then third,
what is too little or too much and you know how is my child going to receive
this kind of information?
So there's a lot of unknown,
there's a lot of insecurity,
(01:06):
and I want to alleviate some of that.
I think it'd be really helpful for us to process this together
because death is a part of life
and so it's very common for children to experience death even in early childhood.
Whether it's a pet,
a
grandparent,
a parent,
often,
sometimes siblings,
(01:27):
so there are people that are close to kids
that pass away,
and we need to be able to handle that
appropriately and I think the more confident we are
going into that discussion,
the more equipped we feel and the more effective that it is.
So I wanted to just kind of hit some thoughts
on
(01:47):
maybe best practice and things to consider
if you are in a situation where you need to
have a conversation about death with your child.
I want to make you aware there are several episodes that I've recorded earlier in
season one,
specifically about how to talk about a grandparent's illness and death,
(02:07):
and then also how to
have difficult conversations with age appropriate truth.
So there are several episodes that have talked about similar concepts before.
If you'd like to go back and search the episodes to find
those that might be helpful in addition to this episode as well.
So I think it's really important
to recognize that if there is a sudden death,
(02:31):
it is different than if there is prolonged illness,
for example.
So
it's easier to prepare a child
for impending death because we know it's coming
because of something chronic or pervasive or prolonged
versus something that happens completely unexpectedly because that's more of a
shock for everyone of course but also for the child.
(02:54):
So when we know that
there is likely
death coming.
We can prepare a child in advance,
but often if there is an unexpected death,
there's no preparation whatsoever,
so then it's just
a very whammy kind of conversation that we have to have.
And so I just wanted to make it clear that
(03:14):
those are going to be handled differently and I'm specifically
today
speaking about when we cannot prepare them ahead of time.
So if something happens unexpectedly,
what are the ways that we can most effectively handle that?
First and foremost,
I think it's important to acknowledge that your children need the truth.
(03:34):
Many adults try to spare the child end quote from the truth
because they think they can't handle it,
they're not ready for it.
It will be too hurtful,
they won't understand.
I just don't want them to know that there's all
kinds of reasons and rationalizing that we use as adults,
but we have to keep in mind
we're intellectual and rational and cognitive beings,
(03:56):
and kids aren't.
So we can reason and rationalize our decisions,
but what children need from us is the truth.
The truth is a gift for children
because when they are told the truth age appropriately.
That's why that other episode I did is about age appropriate truths for for kids.
We have to be mindful that
(04:17):
they just need enough so that they're not trying to fill in missing information
and they're not trying to fill gaps
with things that are inaccurate or misunderstood.
If we don't provide them with the truth,
they create their own.
That's what I think often we fail to realize when we spare our kids,
air quote,
spare our kids from the truth.
(04:38):
They create their own truth and it's usually inaccurate.
So it is far more important and helpful for
them to just have age-appropriate truth shared with them.
So,
last night,
when
Grandpa was asleep,
his heart stopped.
It's just that simple.
It's age appropriate truth.
(05:00):
Why?
Because,
oh,
Grandpa went on a trip or Grandpa,
Grandpa moved to a different state or you're not gonna see Grandpa
anymore because he's not gonna be able to come see you anymore.
We think that that suffices and we think that it's enough and it's not
because kids will create their own stories,
they'll write their own narratives
and they come up with truth that's not truth.
(05:22):
So the truth is a gift.
I think that's really important.
I think we also need to process what grief looks like in children.
It's very different than it is for adults.
So I think you need to be prepared for that as well.
I did my practicum when I was in grad school
with the Child and Family Service department at hospice.
So we worked with children specifically
(05:42):
who had recently lost a family member or loved one
to illness or they have a chronically ill family member with impending death
and it was so fascinating to me the way that kids process their grief
because they're emotional and experiential.
So one second they're
throwing a ball,
(06:03):
the next second they're talking about whoever it is that died.
And it gets really deep and really heavy for a very short amount of time.
They ask really hard questions,
they
really want to talk or find something out or deal with something,
and then they immediately go,
OK,
let's play ball again.
And for us as adults,
it's jarring.
(06:25):
And it seems like it's a ping pong ball and it's like,
oh my gosh,
how did we go from
light to heavy to light just like that,
but they are not going to think their way through it.
They just feel their way through it.
So it's a very different process we need to be prepared for that.
We cannot expect children to grieve
the way that adults do and let's
also acknowledge that every person grieves differently.
(06:48):
There are 5 stages of grief.
I don't know if y'all are familiar with Kubler Ross's work,
but
there are 5 stages of grief,
and we know that all 5 stages have to be
walked through.
You can't walk around them,
you walk through them.
So we do inevitably experience the 5 stages of grief.
However,
it doesn't look the same for everyone.
It doesn't feel the same for everyone.
It's not in the same order for everyone.
(07:09):
So we can't have expectations of what grieving looks like across the board,
#1,
but specifically for children,
they grieve in fits and spurts.
So it will be out of the blue in the middle of dinner,
out of the blue in a car,
out of the blue while they're throwing a ball with you,
out of the blue in a random moment.
They bring it up,
(07:29):
it's very quick,
and then they move on.
So we need to be prepared for that.
It's a very different process for them.
I think another thing that we need to process is that children are going to grieve
developmentally appropriately.
Here's what I mean.
What a child can process at 5
is very different than what a child can process at 8,
is very different than what a child can process at 11.
(07:53):
So what will happen is the child will process at
5 what they understand death to be and mean,
but then at 8,
potentially
in the future,
it's going to come up again and it catches adults off guard.
Parents are like,
our dog died 4 years ago and out of the blue
now my kid is crying about the dog every single night.
Why has it taken 4 years for this to become a thing?
(08:16):
Well,
your child is at a different place intellectually now.
There's been a cognitive and brain surge development.
They're able to think their way through things more.
They are able to process things
from their thoughts as well as their feelings as they get older,
so they grieve in stages.
So just because they grieve once,
it doesn't mean that they're only going to grieve once.
(08:39):
Often as they mature and as they move through childhood,
they grieve as their developmental level allows them to.
So a 5 year old is not going to really be able to think through death.
It's too abstract of a concept.
8 or 9,
they've had a brain surge.
So
arguably they're able to think and understand what death is
(09:00):
more impactfully.
So they're going to process it again.
Then when they developed abstract reasoning around 12 or 13,
they'll probably deal with it again.
This is very,
very normal.
So,
we have to honor
the fact that
they don't just grieve until they're done grieving.
They grieve pretty consistently as their brain development allows them to.
(09:23):
And how do you know when therapy is needed for
a grieving child?
As a general rule,
and this isn't even just about grief,
this is just about children in general.
When
you look at a child
and whatever they're going through is impeding daily functioning.
So that can be anxiety,
(09:44):
that can be dysregulation,
that can be grief that can be trauma that can be
something that happened,
whatever the scenario is
if it is impacting and impeding daily function,
then it warrants getting them in therapy.
It's normal for a child to be emotional.
It's normal for a child to
have regressive behavior.
It's normal for a child to
(10:06):
seem out of sorts.
It's normal for a child to be disregulated
when they're going through grief.
But if it starts to impact and impede daily function,
then it probably is worth looking into play therapy
because the play therapist comes alongside the child and your family
and helps them to have that safe relationship and safe environment
(10:28):
to work through their stuff.
So be mindful that
there is
a long haul for grief with kids.
And if you are prepared for that,
it will not catch you off guard,
and we can handle anything
if we know that it's coming.
So just the awareness of it,
I think,
should be able to
(10:48):
encourage you there,
but also be mindful that your child needs closure.
So one of the things that I learned when I worked with hospice
is kids need to have a way to have closure for the relationship.
So sometimes it's drawing a picture for the loved one,
sometimes it's releasing balloons as a ceremonial closure,
(11:11):
sometimes it's having a photo
of the loved one placed in their room.
It's really important because they're not cognitive,
they need to have an emotional experiential connection.
to not only the life,
but also the loss.
So it's important to provide them with those opportunities for closure
and be open to having discussions.
(11:34):
Your neutrality and your preparedness for those conversations
will influence future conversations.
Here's what I mean.
If your child comes to you and says,
so is Grandpa gonna come back after he goes to heaven?
Is he gonna come back?
If you get really emotional,
(11:54):
if you react because you weren't expecting that question,
if it really upsets you because you're going through your own grief,
if you
don't tell the truth,
if you are uncomfortable with that conversation,
the child learns,
oh,
OK,
mom,
dad,
fill in the blank,
can't handle those kinds of questions.
I won't ask them anymore.
(12:15):
So the more neutral you can be,
the more open you can be,
the more welcoming you can be to those random questions and conversations
without your own emotions getting in the way.
And that's not to say that you're not grieving.
You probably loved the person that your child loved.
It's not about not grieving.
It's about being neutral enough to say,
(12:37):
I'm actually really sad and I miss that person too,
so I'm crying,
but it's normal to cry when you miss someone.
So it's not shield them from your emotion,
it's be honest about your emotion,
but it's being neutral
so that they feel comfortable talking to you.
If you run into another room and sob for 10 minutes,
they think they've done something wrong.
(12:58):
Oh,
I made mom,
dad,
so and so really sad.
I'm not gonna do that again.
So be really intentional with the way that you respond to those questions
and
age appropriate truth always.
A child's going to have a lot of questions about death.
That's a natural part of them making sense of what happened.
So you need to be able to answer those
(13:20):
questions and give them space for those questions.
They're not cognitive,
so when a question comes up,
it's rare that they're going to think through something.
So if they're thinking about it,
it's really important that that
conversation takes place neutrally and appropriately
because those are moments where they are able to receive truth
(13:40):
and that's really powerful.
So I hope that that's helpful for you.
I know that death is not an easy discussion for anyone.
It's certainly not easy when we're grieving ourselves,
but we do need to be equipped to handle that in an appropriate way.
So I hope that that was helpful and that it encourages you.
If you're walking that journey right now,
please reach out to hospice.
There are local hospice branches in most areas of the country,
(14:05):
and they provide bereavement counseling,
grief counseling.
Many of it is free.
So
I really encourage you if you are actively walking that path with your family,
I would encourage you to find your local hospice and and get involved with them.
They are an absolutely incredible organization
and obviously for your child's sake,
(14:25):
also consider child-centered play therapy so that a play therapist
can also help support your child and your family.
As you walk through that process.
All right,
I greatly appreciate y'all.
Thanks for hanging out with me each week.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
(14:47):
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
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