June 5, 2025 • 11 mins
In this episode, I respond to a question from Whitney about her six-year-old son’s negative self-talk and self-harming behaviors—things like calling himself “stupid” or hitting himself after making a mistake. I explain why these behaviors are often rooted in low self-esteem, anxiety, and low frustration tolerance—and why it’s not about attention or defiance, but maladaptive coping.
I walk through how to set clear, compassionate limits on self-harm while offering healthy alternatives for emotional release. I also share how to support his self-concept through encouragement and provide access to over 100 esteem-building phrases to use at home. If your child has ever melted down in shame or seemed harsh with themselves, this episode offers both understanding and a path forward.
Episode links:
101+ Encouragement Phrases - Watch the video and download the list!
https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/101-encouragement-phrases/
Ask Me Questions: Call (813) 812-5525, or email: brenna@thekidcounselor.com
Podcast HQ: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/
My Newsletter Signup: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/newsletter/
My Podcast Partner, Gabb Wireless: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/gabb/
Common References:
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
awareness,
and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am answering a question from Whitney.
(00:22):
And this is about
her son
saying pretty negative self-defeating statements
and how to handle it,
and this is something that we see a lot at our practice,
definitely something that many kids commonly do,
so I'm glad that you emailed Whitney,
thank you for that
and we'll read parts of the email and dive in together.
(00:46):
We have been using child-centered play therapy parenting with our three boys,
6, 4,
and 2,
and our 6-year old was in play therapy for about
6 months with major improvements in managing his emotions.
Let me pause there.
Whitney,
I'm so glad that you were able to find a child-centered play therapist.
I'm so happy to hear that you saw the progress you were hoping for,
and play therapy really does support kids in a special way.
(01:09):
So I'm really encouraged by that
continuing.
Lately we've noticed our oldest has been getting down on himself,
saying negative things about himself,
and gently hitting himself when he makes a mistake.
For example,
he lost a toy he loved.
We were looking for it,
and he kept saying,
I'm so stupid.
I'm bad.
Why did I do that?
And then hitting himself on the shoulder,
and he slapped himself on the face.
(01:30):
I told him you're disappointed you lost your toy,
but you are not for hitting.
What do we do?
I tried to I try to encourage him all the time.
And then in parentheses,
also,
I would love more suggestions on encouragement because I feel
like we use the phrases you tried so hard,
you didn't give up and you're so proud of yourself over and over.
But I'd love more ideas.
I'll,
(01:50):
I'll circle back to that,
Whitney.
I want him to have a high self-esteem and it breaks our hearts to see him like this.
OK,
so
let's dive into
what's going on,
why,
and then
how we can adjust in our interactions.
So first and foremost,
if a child has low self-esteem,
(02:10):
low frustration tolerance,
and high anxiety,
that is typically the trifecta
that creates
phrases like this in kids.
And here's what's going on when you don't have a strong self concept.
When you don't handle things
in a regulated way.
And when
(02:31):
everything
upsets you because of your
consistent anxiety levels.
You end up
internalizing things as
you are bad,
you are wrong,
you are a failure,
rather than,
oh,
I lost this toy.
Oh,
I made a mistake.
Oh,
(02:51):
I made a choice that I wish I wouldn't have.
So essentially the message that gets internalized is different than
what it should be,
but it's because of those three undercurrent issues.
So if we can recognize that that is at the root,
we then understand that it's just maladaptive coping.
So it's not an issue independently,
(03:13):
Whitney.
It's not that he is saying negative things
and that's the issue.
The negative things are just a representation
of what's going on for him internally.
So we have to understand what's going on first.
And secondly,
this is actually very normal.
When kids
do not
feel that they can trust themselves,
(03:35):
when they do not
value and accept themselves.
They will naturally feel like they should punish themselves.
Now,
let's kind of unpack that for a second.
Often,
kids will punish themselves because they feel like they deserve it.
They're so hard on themselves
that
I know that I screwed up,
so I'm going to punish myself.
(03:56):
They think that that's retribution,
even though it's not.
It doesn't solve or fix anything.
But again,
kids aren't rational.
So we know,
I mean,
your son is 6,
Whitney,
so
he's so far away from rational thought and abstract reasoning.
He's got a very long way to go,
more than twice what he is now.
So it's just a natural byproduct
of I screwed up and I should be punished.
(04:18):
So they will sometimes hit themselves,
smack themselves,
pinch themselves,
bite themselves,
things like that.
Also common behavior.
We also recognize that that behavior
is sometimes rooted in,
well,
if I punish myself first,
then no one else will.
So sometimes it's avoidant and fear-based.
If I punish myself,
(04:39):
maybe I won't get in trouble
by someone who could actually get me in trouble,
you know,
teacher,
parent,
caregiver,
authority figure,
whomever.
So that's another potential cause.
Keep in mind that when children say things and do things
they don't have an emotional context for it.
It is just their way of showing other people in the world how badly they feel.
(05:04):
That's,
that's all that it boils down to.
So when kids say I hate myself,
I hate my life,
I wish I was never born,
those are phrases that are really alarming.
When kids hit themselves,
smack themselves,
bite themselves,
say I'm so stupid,
I'm so dumb,
I'm an idiot.
Those are also alarming,
but they don't have the emotional context that we do for those things.
They're basically saying,
(05:24):
I hate this feeling and I don't know what to do about it.
And I've done other podcasts on when kids say crazy alarming things.
So if that resonates with you,
please go back and search for that episode.
The point is,
when he's saying and doing these things,
it's not really what it seems.
That's just representation of,
(05:45):
I hate this,
I want to escape this,
and I'm trying to solve the problem.
And it's
maladaptive and it's disregulated,
but that's what it's rooted in.
It's an intent to fix it.
So now that we understand what's likely causing it and why,
now we can address how we're going to respond.
We obviously are going to set limits on self-harm,
(06:08):
and it sounds like you already did.
You're disappointed you lost your toy,
but you're not for hitting.
I think that it would be more important to say
a broader limit.
So,
you're never for hurting.
I think that would be a little bit more impactful.
You are never for hurting,
and if you want to add the Y in,
it would be.
(06:29):
Because
you're special,
or for like for my son,
I used to say,
I made you.
So I would say,
you're not for hurting,
I made you.
And
there are all kinds of reasons why a child isn't for hurting.
You can come up with the one that seems to make the most sense for you and your family.
But
you want to be clear,
there's a why.
(06:50):
It's not a limit arbitrarily,
there's a why.
You have inherent worth,
you have inherent value.
And
you should never do anything that's going to injure yourself.
So you're disappointed that you lost the toy,
but you're never for hurting,
and then throw a Y in.
Here's the thing,
he's going to need alternatives.
(07:10):
This is where kids get stuck.
This is why the limit setting process
offers alternatives,
because if we set a limit,
and then the child doesn't know what they can do instead,
they don't know to do anything else.
They're not rational,
right?
They're not cognitive.
They're not going to think their way out of this.
So you say you're never for hitting,
you're never for hurting,
whatever,
and then they're like,
(07:31):
well,
great.
And then they don't know what else to do,
so they go back to hitting or hurting themselves.
We always have to provide alternatives so you can
choose to hit the pillow or you can choose.
To
hit the couch,
which do you choose?
Or you can choose to tell me about how mad you are,
or you can choose to talk to me about how sad you are.
There are all kinds of options.
(07:52):
What is it that he needs to release that feeling?
He's,
he feels guilty,
likely.
He feels ashamed.
He feels maybe embarrassed.
There's all kinds of things,
and those are all vulnerable emotions.
No one wants to feel vulnerable.
We try to mask it at all costs unless we have high emotional IQ.
(08:13):
So we see even in adults,
we mask vulnerability.
This is what he's doing.
He feels all of these things very deeply.
I would argue,
Whitney,
he's probably a highly sensitive child,
so I think his feelings are bigger than they are for other kids.
So when he feels ashamed,
he feels really ashamed.
If he feels embarrassed,
it's overwhelmingly embarrassing.
(08:35):
We have to recognize sensitive kids are going to feel things deeply.
And therefore he needs an outlet.
So what does he really need
that's going to help him feel better
about the fact that the toy is misplaced?
Maybe he needs to hit something,
maybe he needs to talk about something,
maybe he needs to
throw something as hard and as fast as he can.
(08:57):
Maybe he needs to go run.
There are all kinds of things that you can offer based on your child's personality
and what's going to make the most sense as an outlet for that original need.
What he's trying to communicate is,
I'm really,
really upset about this.
That's the goal is give him alternatives that meet the original need.
(09:19):
I feel really ashamed.
I feel really guilty.
I feel really embarrassed.
I feel like I'm a failure,
whatever it is,
he needs a way to get that out
that does not include hitting himself,
smacking himself,
those kinds of things.
So you want to consistently make clear he has alternatives
(09:41):
and getting back to your,
we try to encourage him,
yes,
continue esteem building and encouragement phrases
and in the show notes,
I will post a link to
more than 100 encouragement phrases for all of you to have access to.
And that will be
an arsenal of encouragement phrases that you can use.
I categorize them in situationally specific scenarios.
(10:05):
So when you're with when he's with friends,
you know,
these are ones you would use when you're at home,
these are ones that you would use.
So you're gonna have to kind of read through them.
But it'll at least give you all kinds of options
so that you're not just defaulting to those three that you shared Whitney.
Continue to
provide self-esteem,
building phrases,
encouragement phrases,
(10:25):
and over time,
anxiety reduces,
self-esteem increases.
And
you have a child that's able to better handle emotions
and better regulate,
but it's a work in progress.
He's young,
he's 6,
he's emotional,
he's irrational,
and he's going to show you behaviorally what's going on.
So this is
(10:46):
a be patient process,
and this is stick to the limits and the encouragement and esteem building
and you will see a difference.
So Whitney,
thank you so much for the email.
I hope that that's helpful for all of you.
If you all would like me to answer a question of yours,
please email me brenna@heid counselor.com.
I'd love to hear from you if you would just like to email me and say hello.
(11:07):
I would love to chat with you as well.
And by the way,
I do get all of my emails and answer all of them.
So many people think I must have someone that filters them or vets them or whatever.
I get every single one.
I respond to every single one.
Sometimes it takes me a bit because I do get a lot,
but I promise I will respond.
And if you would like to say hello or introduce yourself or Or
(11:29):
ask a question,
I'd be happy to hear from you.
brenna at the counselor dot com.
I appreciate y'all.
Have a great week.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
awareness,
and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am answering a question from Whitney.
(00:22):
And this is about
her son
saying pretty negative self-defeating statements
and how to handle it,
and this is something that we see a lot at our practice,
definitely something that many kids commonly do,
so I'm glad that you emailed Whitney,
thank you for that
and we'll read parts of the email and dive in together.
(00:46):
We have been using child-centered play therapy parenting with our three boys,
6, 4,
and 2,
and our 6-year old was in play therapy for about
6 months with major improvements in managing his emotions.
Let me pause there.
Whitney,
I'm so glad that you were able to find a child-centered play therapist.
I'm so happy to hear that you saw the progress you were hoping for,
and play therapy really does support kids in a special way.
(01:09):
So I'm really encouraged by that
continuing.
Lately we've noticed our oldest has been getting down on himself,
saying negative things about himself,
and gently hitting himself when he makes a mistake.
For example,
he lost a toy he loved.
We were looking for it,
and he kept saying,
I'm so stupid.
I'm bad.
Why did I do that?
And then hitting himself on the shoulder,
and he slapped himself on the face.
(01:30):
I told him you're disappointed you lost your toy,
but you are not for hitting.
What do we do?
I tried to I try to encourage him all the time.
And then in parentheses,
also,
I would love more suggestions on encouragement because I feel
like we use the phrases you tried so hard,
you didn't give up and you're so proud of yourself over and over.
But I'd love more ideas.
I'll,
(01:50):
I'll circle back to that,
Whitney.
I want him to have a high self-esteem and it breaks our hearts to see him like this.
OK,
so
let's dive into
what's going on,
why,
and then
how we can adjust in our interactions.
So first and foremost,
if a child has low self-esteem,
(02:10):
low frustration tolerance,
and high anxiety,
that is typically the trifecta
that creates
phrases like this in kids.
And here's what's going on when you don't have a strong self concept.
When you don't handle things
in a regulated way.
And when
(02:31):
everything
upsets you because of your
consistent anxiety levels.
You end up
internalizing things as
you are bad,
you are wrong,
you are a failure,
rather than,
oh,
I lost this toy.
Oh,
I made a mistake.
Oh,
(02:51):
I made a choice that I wish I wouldn't have.
So essentially the message that gets internalized is different than
what it should be,
but it's because of those three undercurrent issues.
So if we can recognize that that is at the root,
we then understand that it's just maladaptive coping.
So it's not an issue independently,
(03:13):
Whitney.
It's not that he is saying negative things
and that's the issue.
The negative things are just a representation
of what's going on for him internally.
So we have to understand what's going on first.
And secondly,
this is actually very normal.
When kids
do not
feel that they can trust themselves,
(03:35):
when they do not
value and accept themselves.
They will naturally feel like they should punish themselves.
Now,
let's kind of unpack that for a second.
Often,
kids will punish themselves because they feel like they deserve it.
They're so hard on themselves
that
I know that I screwed up,
so I'm going to punish myself.
(03:56):
They think that that's retribution,
even though it's not.
It doesn't solve or fix anything.
But again,
kids aren't rational.
So we know,
I mean,
your son is 6,
Whitney,
so
he's so far away from rational thought and abstract reasoning.
He's got a very long way to go,
more than twice what he is now.
So it's just a natural byproduct
of I screwed up and I should be punished.
(04:18):
So they will sometimes hit themselves,
smack themselves,
pinch themselves,
bite themselves,
things like that.
Also common behavior.
We also recognize that that behavior
is sometimes rooted in,
well,
if I punish myself first,
then no one else will.
So sometimes it's avoidant and fear-based.
If I punish myself,
(04:39):
maybe I won't get in trouble
by someone who could actually get me in trouble,
you know,
teacher,
parent,
caregiver,
authority figure,
whomever.
So that's another potential cause.
Keep in mind that when children say things and do things
they don't have an emotional context for it.
It is just their way of showing other people in the world how badly they feel.
(05:04):
That's,
that's all that it boils down to.
So when kids say I hate myself,
I hate my life,
I wish I was never born,
those are phrases that are really alarming.
When kids hit themselves,
smack themselves,
bite themselves,
say I'm so stupid,
I'm so dumb,
I'm an idiot.
Those are also alarming,
but they don't have the emotional context that we do for those things.
They're basically saying,
(05:24):
I hate this feeling and I don't know what to do about it.
And I've done other podcasts on when kids say crazy alarming things.
So if that resonates with you,
please go back and search for that episode.
The point is,
when he's saying and doing these things,
it's not really what it seems.
That's just representation of,
(05:45):
I hate this,
I want to escape this,
and I'm trying to solve the problem.
And it's
maladaptive and it's disregulated,
but that's what it's rooted in.
It's an intent to fix it.
So now that we understand what's likely causing it and why,
now we can address how we're going to respond.
We obviously are going to set limits on self-harm,
(06:08):
and it sounds like you already did.
You're disappointed you lost your toy,
but you're not for hitting.
I think that it would be more important to say
a broader limit.
So,
you're never for hurting.
I think that would be a little bit more impactful.
You are never for hurting,
and if you want to add the Y in,
it would be.
(06:29):
Because
you're special,
or for like for my son,
I used to say,
I made you.
So I would say,
you're not for hurting,
I made you.
And
there are all kinds of reasons why a child isn't for hurting.
You can come up with the one that seems to make the most sense for you and your family.
But
you want to be clear,
there's a why.
(06:50):
It's not a limit arbitrarily,
there's a why.
You have inherent worth,
you have inherent value.
And
you should never do anything that's going to injure yourself.
So you're disappointed that you lost the toy,
but you're never for hurting,
and then throw a Y in.
Here's the thing,
he's going to need alternatives.
(07:10):
This is where kids get stuck.
This is why the limit setting process
offers alternatives,
because if we set a limit,
and then the child doesn't know what they can do instead,
they don't know to do anything else.
They're not rational,
right?
They're not cognitive.
They're not going to think their way out of this.
So you say you're never for hitting,
you're never for hurting,
whatever,
and then they're like,
(07:31):
well,
great.
And then they don't know what else to do,
so they go back to hitting or hurting themselves.
We always have to provide alternatives so you can
choose to hit the pillow or you can choose.
To
hit the couch,
which do you choose?
Or you can choose to tell me about how mad you are,
or you can choose to talk to me about how sad you are.
There are all kinds of options.
(07:52):
What is it that he needs to release that feeling?
He's,
he feels guilty,
likely.
He feels ashamed.
He feels maybe embarrassed.
There's all kinds of things,
and those are all vulnerable emotions.
No one wants to feel vulnerable.
We try to mask it at all costs unless we have high emotional IQ.
(08:13):
So we see even in adults,
we mask vulnerability.
This is what he's doing.
He feels all of these things very deeply.
I would argue,
Whitney,
he's probably a highly sensitive child,
so I think his feelings are bigger than they are for other kids.
So when he feels ashamed,
he feels really ashamed.
If he feels embarrassed,
it's overwhelmingly embarrassing.
(08:35):
We have to recognize sensitive kids are going to feel things deeply.
And therefore he needs an outlet.
So what does he really need
that's going to help him feel better
about the fact that the toy is misplaced?
Maybe he needs to hit something,
maybe he needs to talk about something,
maybe he needs to
throw something as hard and as fast as he can.
(08:57):
Maybe he needs to go run.
There are all kinds of things that you can offer based on your child's personality
and what's going to make the most sense as an outlet for that original need.
What he's trying to communicate is,
I'm really,
really upset about this.
That's the goal is give him alternatives that meet the original need.
(09:19):
I feel really ashamed.
I feel really guilty.
I feel really embarrassed.
I feel like I'm a failure,
whatever it is,
he needs a way to get that out
that does not include hitting himself,
smacking himself,
those kinds of things.
So you want to consistently make clear he has alternatives
(09:41):
and getting back to your,
we try to encourage him,
yes,
continue esteem building and encouragement phrases
and in the show notes,
I will post a link to
more than 100 encouragement phrases for all of you to have access to.
And that will be
an arsenal of encouragement phrases that you can use.
I categorize them in situationally specific scenarios.
(10:05):
So when you're with when he's with friends,
you know,
these are ones you would use when you're at home,
these are ones that you would use.
So you're gonna have to kind of read through them.
But it'll at least give you all kinds of options
so that you're not just defaulting to those three that you shared Whitney.
Continue to
provide self-esteem,
building phrases,
encouragement phrases,
(10:25):
and over time,
anxiety reduces,
self-esteem increases.
And
you have a child that's able to better handle emotions
and better regulate,
but it's a work in progress.
He's young,
he's 6,
he's emotional,
he's irrational,
and he's going to show you behaviorally what's going on.
So this is
(10:46):
a be patient process,
and this is stick to the limits and the encouragement and esteem building
and you will see a difference.
So Whitney,
thank you so much for the email.
I hope that that's helpful for all of you.
If you all would like me to answer a question of yours,
please email me brenna@heid counselor.com.
I'd love to hear from you if you would just like to email me and say hello.
(11:07):
I would love to chat with you as well.
And by the way,
I do get all of my emails and answer all of them.
So many people think I must have someone that filters them or vets them or whatever.
I get every single one.
I respond to every single one.
Sometimes it takes me a bit because I do get a lot,
but I promise I will respond.
And if you would like to say hello or introduce yourself or Or
(11:29):
ask a question,
I'd be happy to hear from you.
brenna at the counselor dot com.
I appreciate y'all.
Have a great week.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
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