S2E44 - Toilet Training Power Struggles: What to Say (and Not Say) to Avoid a Battle

In this episode, I respond to a question from Hannah in England about her 3.5-year-old son who is regressing in his toilet training—especially around poop. I walk through how power struggles, control, and developmental readiness all play a role in potty setbacks. I explain how enforcement choices from the child-centered model can be used to return responsibility to the child, allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their decisions without nagging, pressure, or shame.

We also talk about why school-based strategies like sticker charts and bathroom schedules often make things worse, especially when a child already feels shy, judged, or out of control. If you're feeling stuck in the potty training phase or navigating challenges across home and school, this episode will give you a clear, compassionate approach grounded in CCPT principles.

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Common References:
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

Episode Transcript

(00:02):
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
awareness,
and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am answering a question from Hannah in England,

(00:23):
and this is about
toilet training woes.
I feel like I'm getting so many emails about
potty training and toilet training and bathroom accidents and
oh my gosh,
this must be the wave right now of,
of struggles.
So.
I,
I'm really thankful to be able to talk about this,
and many of you have emailed me thanking me for those episodes,
so I'm really glad that these are helpful.

(00:45):
I'm glad that this is meeting your needs.
That's the whole purpose of this podcast is to support you
in your parenting journey and provide you with child-centered play therapy,
parenting approaches
that are effective and they give you confidence
and that you can fall back on so that you can competently address any scenario.
And obviously raising kids,

(01:05):
the toileting and bathroom stretch of time is very difficult at times,
and I'm glad that we're able to talk through this.
So,
I'm going to read parts of Hannah's email and then we'll dive into some
answers.
I'm so grateful to have found your podcast.
The power struggles advice has so quickly changed things with my 3.5 year old.
I'm so happy to hear that,

(01:26):
Hannah.
I'm really pleased.
He's been regressing with his potty training,
which I think is likely due to wanting more control like your podcast explains.
I listened to your episode where someone wrote in
about a boy who sounds very similar to mine.
There you go.
See,
it resonates all all over the place.
OK,
so I have two questions.
How would you prompt ask or remind him about toilet training during the day?

(01:48):
We can often see he needs to go
as he's crossing his legs and dancing around or he goes
really still and sits down trying to hold in his poop.
If we ask or prompt too much,
this definitely causes a power struggle.
Should we say anything at all?
He's very used to me trying to take over in this situation,
even carrying him to the toilet,
and it's a big change for me to not say anything.

(02:08):
I've reminded him about choices and the dessert after dinner,
which she shared earlier in the email that
he has been
given a choice of chocolate after dinner
if he chooses not to
have accidents.
So
I've reminded him about the choices and the dessert after dinner,
but also don't want to keep going on about
it as he needs to make that decision himself.

(02:31):
All right,
there's another question,
but I'm gonna stop there and answer that one first because it'll get too muddy.
So one of the main purposes
of limit setting,
specifically with enforcement choices,
which is exactly what you're describing,
Hannah,
you provided
the limit and the expectation,
and then you provided the ultimate limit for the choices.

(02:53):
So if you choose
not to have accidents,
if you choose for me not to have to change you.
You choose to have dessert after dinner if you choose for
me to have to change you because you have accidents,
you choose not to have dessert after dinner.
OK,
that is an enforcement choice.
It is ultimate limit setting
and it's back to an expectation of behavior.

(03:15):
The reason why the whole purpose
of this process,
it's 3 steps,
it's very specific in its wording,
it's returning responsibility,
it's giving kids a choice,
it's empowering them.
There's all of this support for what we're doing.
But the reason
is
we don't have to continue to nag,
we don't have to continue to remind

(03:37):
we don't have to hand hold,
we don't have to constantly encourage the behavior that we want
the whole premise is
we don't have to be that parent.
We set the expectation
we set the consequences,
and we can leave it.
And the child learns self responsibility,
self-control,

(03:57):
and ownership over outcomes.
Think about this.
One of the reasons why
we hate
power struggles is because it's the same thing over and over and over again.
I have to tell him every single day to pick up his clothes.
I have to tell him every single day to brush his teeth.
I have to tell him to get in bed and stay there.

(04:17):
The,
the thing that's the most maddening is that it's nagging and it's consistent.
The beauty
of this whole limit setting process from the child-centered play therapy approach
is
you make sure the child is aware of the limit,
you make sure the child is aware of the consequences for positive or negative,
and you don't have to talk about it again.

(04:37):
And then at that point,
the freedom of that
means all you do
is acknowledge what the child chose.
So to answer your first question,
Hannah,
you don't say anything at all.
Now,
the only caveat would be
because he's young,
you might say one time in the morning.
Wanted to remind you that if you choose to have no accidents today,

(05:00):
you choose to have dessert after dinner.
I know.
OK.
So now there's been a gentle reminder because he's young
and you want to make sure that he's aware.
And then beyond that,
you can tell that he needs to go to the bathroom,
you say nothing.
You can see him dancing around or sitting still or whatever he's doing,

(05:22):
you say nothing.
Why?
Because he will learn self-control.
He will learn self regulation.
It is a natural
development that has to take place and it comes with practice,
because if he has an accident,
all your responsibility is,
is.
You've chosen for me to change you,

(05:42):
so you've chosen not to have dessert tonight.
You can try again tomorrow.
You know that
going for the bathroom is on the toilet.
And you say it neutrally,
you say it calmly,
you say it gently.
Why?
Because
he just chose an outcome.
He also could have chosen to have dessert.

(06:03):
There's no anger,
there's no frustration,
there's nothing.
It's just it is what it is.
And over time he learns no one is going to swoop in and save me.
No one's going to rescue me.
No one is going to guide me,
help me,
direct me,
train me.
Why he needs to do it himself.
OK,
I feel compelled though.
Hannah,
he's 3 1/2,

(06:24):
315 year olds still have accidents.
So I think there needs to be a developmental understanding as well.
This is age appropriate behavior.
This is developmentally appropriate behavior.
3.5 year olds will still have accidents from time to time.
If it's a daily or consistent thing,
then this isn't just oops,
sometimes accidents happen,

(06:45):
this is something more.
So you're going to have to assess frequency and and cause.
Because sometimes kids just have accidents and 3.5 is right in that range.
If this is a very consistent issue and you know that it's rooted in something else.
Then we would adhere to the limit,
but I just wanna throw that out there.

(07:06):
I don't wanna set false expectations.
3.5 year olds still have bathroom accidents,
so that is a standard.
We need to accept that.
They should not be punished.
They should not be berated.
They should not
feel like they've done something wrong
when they have an accident.
It is what it is.
Now,
in your case,
Hannah,
if he chooses to have an accident,

(07:27):
whether
it was on purpose or not.
He has chosen not to have dessert.
That is natural consequence of his decision,
but there's no anger in that.
It just is what it is.
OK,
second question.
At preschool,
he has lots of accidents and the teachers have tried different things,
including stickers,
taking him to the toilet at regular intervals

(07:48):
throughout the day and leaving it to him,
not asking or getting involved at all.
I'm not sure what to advise them to do.
They seem very confused and lost with it,
as he's had weeks where he's been taking himself to the toilet with no problems,
followed by weeks of many accidents.
To make it a bit more complicated,
he really doesn't want to poop at preschool and ends up trying to hold it in,
which causes tummy aches and accidents.

(08:09):
When we ask him about it,
he often shuts down and doesn't say much,
just that he doesn't want to poop there,
guessing due to feeling shy and not as comfortable as at home.
You have to keep in mind that a child will master
something usually in one environment first.
And if
they have not mastered it in another environment,
that means that it's more difficult for them.

(08:32):
So you might have already hit the nail on the head,
Hannah,
it might be that he's shy,
it might be that he's not as comfortable,
it might be that he's gotten in trouble for it,
so now there's an embarrassment factor.
There's all kinds of layers.
It could be that he doesn't have
relationship built with his teachers.
If he feels judged or labeled
or that he's not accepted by teachers,

(08:53):
it's going to create a power struggle and kids only
have power and control over a few things in their lives
and toileting is one of them.
So maybe it's a power struggle at school.
You want me to go on the toilet,
so I'm not going to go on the toilet.
We don't know.
I can't assess that just from your email,
but there are factors if he is doing better at home with this

(09:15):
and not doing better at school,
then it could be that he's getting a handle on it
at home and it will eventually make its way into school.
However,
the sticker system
is
Not going to be helpful.
I'm just gonna leave it at that.
Taking him to the toilet at regular intervals and forcing a
child to use the bathroom when they don't need to,

(09:36):
or at least making them try
not going to be helpful.
The most positive thing that you shared in the email is leaving
him to it and not asking or not getting involved at all.
That is likely the most helpful approach
because he needs to feel unconditionally accepted,
and there can't be pressure,
there can't be expectation.
There can't be punishment.

(09:57):
If he has an accident,
he has an accident.
Send extra clothes,
send wipes,
send extra underwear,
whatever needs to happen,
they can handle it.
This too shall pass.
This little boy is not going to start
high school pooping himself,
OK?
This is,
this is perspective.
I say this to parents all the time.

(10:18):
Whatever the issue is in this moment,
even though it feels overwhelming,
even though it feels like you will never conquer it,
this too shall pass,
it's temporary.
Everything with child
is,
it's going to
stop and something else is going to start.
This is not a permanent scenario,
so
it is what it is.

(10:39):
He's working on it,
he's sorting it out.
If he's improving at home with the limits,
it will naturally trickle into the preschool.
It just hasn't happened yet.
It's,
it's about being patient.
It's about unconditionally accepting.
And being neutral,
because if they are reacting at school,
it's going to create a power struggle.

(11:00):
And if there is a power struggle,
then he's going to grab at control,
which is,
I will refuse to poop.
And then inevitably you can only refuse to poop
for so long before you have an accident.
So this is a slippery slope and you can see the
cycle that's just going to repeat itself over and over again.
So I would certainly equip them with limit settings phrases.

(11:21):
I would certainly accept I would equip them
with the sense of unconditional acceptance
because that is likely going to
serve him in the most positive ways while
he's addressing this and sorting this through.
So thank you so much,
Hannah,
for the email.
I hope that that's helpful.
If you all would like to reach out,
please do brenna@theid counselor.com.

(11:43):
Continue to accept your children,
continue to love your children,
continue to advocate for your children in other environments,
and I appreciate that you spend time with me each week.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,

(12:03):
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.