July 18, 2025 • 16 mins
In this episode, I answer a question from Kendall about how to set limits when you can’t predict a behavior in advance—like when a child suddenly lashes out at a sibling “for no reason.” I walk through how to balance proactive expectations with in-the-moment limit setting using the ACT model (Acknowledge, Communicate the limit, Target alternatives).
I also explain how to shift the language from parent-imposed consequences to child-led choices, so children learn that their actions have natural outcomes. Finally, I share why emotional vocabulary is essential for building regulation and why children often act before they think—reminding parents that developmentally, they’re not wired for reasoned decision-making yet. This episode is a practical guide for handling those surprising parenting moments while staying calm and connected.
Ask Me Questions: Call (813) 812-5525, or email: brenna@thekidcounselor.com
Podcast HQ: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/
My Newsletter Signup: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/newsletter/
My Podcast Partner, Gabb Wireless: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/gabb/
Common References:
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
awareness,
and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am answering a question from Kendall,
(00:23):
and this question is about.
How to set expectations
when you can't prepare for what's about to happen
regarding limits that might need to be set.
So Kendall,
a huge thank you.
This is a really helpful question.
And it's something that I've touched on here and
there but never done a specific episode on it
(00:44):
in its entirety.
So I'm really excited about this and
thank you for emailing in.
If you have a question that you'd like me to answer,
if you'd like to say hello,
if you'd like to share a story,
if you'd like to share a struggle,
whatever it is,
I would love to hear from you,
brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
That's two Ns,
so B R E N N A at The Kid Counselor dot com,
(01:05):
singular kid without an S.
And if you are maybe new to the podcast,
and maybe you have not listened to season one or you're newly into season two.
This podcast is designed to support you
in your parenting from a child-centered play therapy approach.
Many of you have your children in play therapy,
(01:26):
and many of you have had play therapists recommend this podcast to you,
and many of you are just working to educate yourself
and be the best parents that you can be,
grandparents,
caregivers,
someone who loves kids.
So really glad you're here.
Thanks for being a part of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast family.
And this is a really special group of people that truly
(01:47):
love kids and truly want to be at their best.
So Kendall,
I appreciate your email
and any of the rest of you,
I,
I would love to hear from you.
So let me read parts of the email and then we'll dive into this.
Our child's play therapist recommended your podcast and techniques,
and we've already seen a meaningful shift in our big feeling 7 year old.
Episodes 10, 11,
and 12 of season 2 have been especially helpful.
(02:09):
Kendall,
I'm so glad to hear that.
One area we're struggling with is how to respond when we
haven't had a chance to set a limit in advance.
When the behavior seems to come out of nowhere,
for example,
if his brother walks by after a frustrating moment,
our child might suddenly hit him,
quote,
for no reason.
We typically respond with a consequence like you can't play with your
brother right now and you need to go to your room.
(02:29):
This often leads to an epic meltdown with
sobbing and screaming that it wasn't his fault.
He was just frustrated.
We're unsure how to turn this situation into a moment for choices.
We try saying you're frustrated,
you're never allowed to hit,
but how do we follow up with clear choices
and natural consequences in line with the ACT model?
If
you're not familiar with the ACT model,
(02:49):
that is the 3 step process of limit setting.
So we acknowledge the child's feeling,
we communicate the limit and we target alternatives for the
behavior so that the need can still be met.
So if that is completely foreign to you,
and it sounds like I'm speaking a different language,
first I am.
The child-centered approach is very much a different language.
And so if you feel like this is gobbledygook at times,
(03:11):
it is essentially the equivalent of learning to speak a different language.
You have to learn the concepts,
master the phrase,
master the words,
and change the way that you speak just like it would be
if you were learning German or French or Spanish or whatever.
So,
yes,
very much so.
This sounds like a different language because it is.
It is the language of child-centered play therapy.
(03:32):
If ACT just is something you've never heard of before,
that likely means you've not listened to earlier episodes,
so please go back and do that,
especially starting in season two,
I kind of walk you through the seminal training,
meaning
the very basic and foundational concepts of
child-centered play therapy in a parenting approach.
(03:53):
and episode one has,
or sorry,
season one has all kinds of things if you'd like to go back there as well,
but season two was a little bit more of a teaching type of season.
So if you're unfamiliar with ACT,
I would highly recommend going back.
OK,
Kendall,
so
I think it's really important to raise this
question because often we try to set limits
(04:14):
and we want to be proactive.
So if we know that a child is going to struggle with bedtime,
if we know a child is going to struggle with eating dinner,
if we know that a child is going to struggle with getting on the bus on time.
Those are limits that we can set proactively to set everyone up for success.
(04:35):
That is a very powerful tool in your parenting toolbox
because if you recognize there's a pattern of behavior,
you're able to tackle it preemptively and proactively.
So that is a helpful scenario.
I think I also need to acknowledge,
however,
that limits are only needed when they're needed.
(04:56):
So we can proactively set an expectation of behavior
and provide limits ahead of time because we know this is a pattern.
But when we don't know that something is coming,
Then we are going to tackle it in the
moment because limits are only needed when they're needed,
so there's an interesting balance to be struck
(05:16):
where yes sometimes we proactively address things and then sometimes
we just wait until we need to set a limit
and in this scenario I think it's a little bit of both,
so I'm gonna walk you through both sides of this
so that you can kind of see what this approach would look like.
First and foremost,
the limit that would be set ahead of time because proactively we know
(05:36):
that this is something that needs to be addressed.
You said that you have a big feeling 7 year old and then you said another brother.
I don't know if you only have 2 children or maybe more,
but I'm gonna go with the 2 child model because you only mentioned two in the email.
So in that scenario,
you're going to say to both of your boys.
(05:57):
In our family,
we take care of each other
and we're kind to each other,
and we never hurt each other.
Notice that that is proactively establishing expectation.
The key to this being effective is doing it at a neutral time.
So this has to be said ahead of time,
(06:18):
preemptively when no one is tired,
when no one is hungry,
when no one is bored,
when there's no emotional charge,
when nothing has just happened that was contentious between the two of them,
it's a very neutral
factual declaration.
In our family,
we treat each other with kindness,
we treat each other with love,
and we never hurt each other.
(06:39):
OK,
so you have to repeat that several times
to make it very known to the boys that is the expectation
that would be the only proactive setting a limit of sorts ahead of time.
What you've really done is set an expectation of
behavior because the limit isn't needed until it's needed.
So now the boys know
(07:00):
that the other one is never for hurting.
Then at that point,
if at any moment
your 7 year old walks by his brother,
gets frustrated and hits him.
Now you fall back on the expectation that has already been set.
Wherein you say I'm gonna make up a name.
(07:21):
Jake
You chose to hit your brother and your brother is never for hitting.
All right,
so now we've acknowledged the behavior and we've
reinforced the expectation that has already been established.
You can add in the why,
so it's sometimes helpful for a child to hear the why behind the limit.
(07:41):
So
you chose to hit your brother,
but your brother is never for hitting because no one in this family is for hurting.
If you want to go broader,
you can say people are never for hurting,
but I think it's probably a little bit more impactful if we keep
it isolated to the family since we've already said in our family,
we are always kind,
(08:01):
we're always loving,
and we never hurt each other,
so you're going to fall back on what's already been established.
So now behavior came up quote out of the blue for no reason,
and we immediately acknowledge what has happened.
Jake,
you chose to hit your brother and your brother is never
for hitting because your family members are never for hurting.
All right,
so now that's the A and the C of the limit.
(08:24):
Now,
we're moving into consequences.
So this
pattern has already been established of expectation.
He violated the expectation.
So I'm going to tweak the wording of what you said you would typically say.
So you said you would regularly say,
you cannot play with your brother right now and you need to go to your room.
(08:45):
That is
Consequence,
but it is you in charge
and it is you dictating the outcome.
And the tweak of that is that it becomes very clear that he made a choice.
So we're going to tweak the language here.
So after we say Jake,
you chose to hit your brother and your brother is never for hitting.
(09:07):
You chose to hit him,
therefore,
you choose to go to your room for 10 minutes.
Next time,
if you choose not to hit him when you get upset,
you choose not to go to your room for 10 minutes and
you choose to stay down here with the rest of the family.
Notice now you've made it really clear that there is a choice to always be made,
but in this moment,
(09:28):
the choice has already been made.
You knew that your brother wasn't for hurting.
You chose to hit him anyway.
So because you chose to hit your brother,
you choose to go to your room for 10 minutes.
But you,
that's the negative choice negative outcome.
You also want to present the positive choice,
y'all,
this is important.
We're very quick to focus on the negative,
(09:49):
but choice giving and especially ultimate choice giving,
which is when we do the if thens.
By the way,
if you've never heard of the regular choice giving versus ultimate choice giving,
again,
please go back in and listen to earlier episodes so you can get caught up.
When we move into ultimate choice giving,
it's very important to recognize that the positive and
the negative are both presented every single time.
(10:12):
If you choose not to hit your brother,
you choose to stay down and be with the family
and not go to your room.
But if you choose to hit your brother,
you choose to go to your room by yourself.
Now it's very clear
that
Jake,
in my scenario,
I'm air quoting Jake,
has a choice to make.
Now,
in the scenario where he already hit his brother,
(10:32):
he already chose the outcome,
but next time he can choose a different one.
And when he
says
I was just frustrated and it wasn't my fault,
and there's an epic meltdown with sobbing,
there's several things going on.
First of all,
he feels guilty and ashamed.
Second of all,
his emotions have de-escalated again,
and his brain kicked back in.
(10:53):
In the moment,
his brain was taking a nap
because emotions are always going to override
the cognitive.
Kids are not rational,
kids are not cognitive,
they're not thinking their way through things,
they're feeling their way through things.
He felt upset,
so he behaviorally reacted.
It's an experience,
it's an emotion,
and it's a behavior,
(11:14):
and they're all tied together.
He didn't think at all.
This is why when we say,
what were you thinking?
Why did you do that?
What made you think that was a good idea?
And they say,
I don't know,
it's true.
He did not know why he hit his brother.
He reacted because of an experience and emotion and a behavior.
But as those emotions de-escalate and they come back down,
(11:34):
brain comes back in
and brain says,
you shouldn't hit your brother,
you shouldn't have done that.
Now you're in trouble.
That wasn't,
uh,
that wasn't a helpful decision. what in the world?
OK,
the brain is now thinking again,
so he feels remorse,
he feels guilt,
he feels shame.
He probably is mad at himself.
He's mad that he's up in his room alone.
(11:55):
And so he's saying it wasn't my fault.
I was just frustrated.
Well,
the antidote to that
is building an emotional vocabulary for him.
So every time he expresses an emotion,
Kendall reflected to him.
You're excited,
you're proud,
you're glad that happened.
You're irritated,
you're angry,
(12:16):
you're annoyed,
you're disappointed.
Every time he expresses an emotion reflected to him,
why?
Because eventually what happens is he's going to be
able to recognize I feel frustrated right now.
And I'm able to communicate my frustration
verbally rather than emotionally and behaviorally.
Right now he is in fact showing his brother what he's feeling.
(12:39):
He's just not identifying it and communicating it.
He's hitting.
That's his way of expressing frustration.
So when he says,
when he's sobbing and he's having a meltdown saying it wasn't my fault,
I was just frustrated,
those are true statements for him.
It wasn't really his fault.
He didn't have much control over it
until a child builds regulation,
until a child builds emotional vocabulary.
(13:02):
They don't really have a lot of ability to control
their behavior.
We this is adulthood bias kicking in.
We have far too high of expectations
on a child's ability to think
before they do things.
They're not capable of it.
Developmentally,
age appropriately,
they are not able
to reason.
They cannot think their way through a scenario.
(13:24):
So he gets mad,
he hits
natural appropriate response.
But as he builds emotional vocabulary,
as he builds regulation,
as he learns to comply with limits.
He will naturally do that less and less.
And so that's why in conjunction,
we're going to set limits with the positive and the negative.
(13:46):
Jake,
if you choose to hit your brother,
you choose to go to your room by yourself.
If you choose not to hit your brother,
you choose to stay down here with the rest of us.
Which do you choose?
All right,
that's very clear.
It's also very important that he has an
emotional vocabulary because he needs an alternative.
He needs to be able to say,
stop,
Jared,
you're frustrating me.
(14:08):
That is a very different response than hitting
because he's charged.
So Kendall,
I hope that is helpful.
I hope that that gives you a little bit of insight into how to handle that.
And
the ACT model is designed in such a way that
children learn very quickly if it is consistently used,
(14:28):
they learn very quickly.
Mom and dad get it.
That's what the A is the validation.
Mom and dad get it.
There's a neutral limit
and I have choices.
And there are consequences tied to the choice.
But I have control over this.
So I'm going to choose the outcome that
favors me the most.
(14:49):
He doesn't want to be in his room,
so he will naturally learn to choose
to not his brother,
so that he can choose to stay down with the rest of the family.
That's the natural outcome of the ACT limit setting model.
So Kendall,
thank you so much for the question.
I hope that that helps you.
I hope that that helps everyone else as well.
It is a struggle to know how to address
(15:10):
surprising behaviors and kids are full of them.
So just when you get a handle on one,
there'll be a new one that pops up and we're always playing catch up.
So thank you to each of you for committing to be there for your children,
to committing to support your play therapists with whom you're working,
if you have your children in therapy.
And thank you for investing in your relationship
(15:30):
and wanting to be the most effective parent that you can be.
These are the decisions that you're making every
single day that have a lifelong effect,
long term impact as your children grow up and become parents themselves.
There is a cycle and pattern of behavior that's established,
and every choice that you make right now influences that long term.
So I hope that that encourages you and helps
(15:51):
you feel supported and loved because you are.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
awareness,
and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am answering a question from Kendall,
(00:23):
and this question is about.
How to set expectations
when you can't prepare for what's about to happen
regarding limits that might need to be set.
So Kendall,
a huge thank you.
This is a really helpful question.
And it's something that I've touched on here and
there but never done a specific episode on it
(00:44):
in its entirety.
So I'm really excited about this and
thank you for emailing in.
If you have a question that you'd like me to answer,
if you'd like to say hello,
if you'd like to share a story,
if you'd like to share a struggle,
whatever it is,
I would love to hear from you,
brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
That's two Ns,
so B R E N N A at The Kid Counselor dot com,
(01:05):
singular kid without an S.
And if you are maybe new to the podcast,
and maybe you have not listened to season one or you're newly into season two.
This podcast is designed to support you
in your parenting from a child-centered play therapy approach.
Many of you have your children in play therapy,
(01:26):
and many of you have had play therapists recommend this podcast to you,
and many of you are just working to educate yourself
and be the best parents that you can be,
grandparents,
caregivers,
someone who loves kids.
So really glad you're here.
Thanks for being a part of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast family.
And this is a really special group of people that truly
(01:47):
love kids and truly want to be at their best.
So Kendall,
I appreciate your email
and any of the rest of you,
I,
I would love to hear from you.
So let me read parts of the email and then we'll dive into this.
Our child's play therapist recommended your podcast and techniques,
and we've already seen a meaningful shift in our big feeling 7 year old.
Episodes 10, 11,
and 12 of season 2 have been especially helpful.
(02:09):
Kendall,
I'm so glad to hear that.
One area we're struggling with is how to respond when we
haven't had a chance to set a limit in advance.
When the behavior seems to come out of nowhere,
for example,
if his brother walks by after a frustrating moment,
our child might suddenly hit him,
quote,
for no reason.
We typically respond with a consequence like you can't play with your
brother right now and you need to go to your room.
(02:29):
This often leads to an epic meltdown with
sobbing and screaming that it wasn't his fault.
He was just frustrated.
We're unsure how to turn this situation into a moment for choices.
We try saying you're frustrated,
you're never allowed to hit,
but how do we follow up with clear choices
and natural consequences in line with the ACT model?
If
you're not familiar with the ACT model,
(02:49):
that is the 3 step process of limit setting.
So we acknowledge the child's feeling,
we communicate the limit and we target alternatives for the
behavior so that the need can still be met.
So if that is completely foreign to you,
and it sounds like I'm speaking a different language,
first I am.
The child-centered approach is very much a different language.
And so if you feel like this is gobbledygook at times,
(03:11):
it is essentially the equivalent of learning to speak a different language.
You have to learn the concepts,
master the phrase,
master the words,
and change the way that you speak just like it would be
if you were learning German or French or Spanish or whatever.
So,
yes,
very much so.
This sounds like a different language because it is.
It is the language of child-centered play therapy.
(03:32):
If ACT just is something you've never heard of before,
that likely means you've not listened to earlier episodes,
so please go back and do that,
especially starting in season two,
I kind of walk you through the seminal training,
meaning
the very basic and foundational concepts of
child-centered play therapy in a parenting approach.
(03:53):
and episode one has,
or sorry,
season one has all kinds of things if you'd like to go back there as well,
but season two was a little bit more of a teaching type of season.
So if you're unfamiliar with ACT,
I would highly recommend going back.
OK,
Kendall,
so
I think it's really important to raise this
question because often we try to set limits
(04:14):
and we want to be proactive.
So if we know that a child is going to struggle with bedtime,
if we know a child is going to struggle with eating dinner,
if we know that a child is going to struggle with getting on the bus on time.
Those are limits that we can set proactively to set everyone up for success.
(04:35):
That is a very powerful tool in your parenting toolbox
because if you recognize there's a pattern of behavior,
you're able to tackle it preemptively and proactively.
So that is a helpful scenario.
I think I also need to acknowledge,
however,
that limits are only needed when they're needed.
(04:56):
So we can proactively set an expectation of behavior
and provide limits ahead of time because we know this is a pattern.
But when we don't know that something is coming,
Then we are going to tackle it in the
moment because limits are only needed when they're needed,
so there's an interesting balance to be struck
(05:16):
where yes sometimes we proactively address things and then sometimes
we just wait until we need to set a limit
and in this scenario I think it's a little bit of both,
so I'm gonna walk you through both sides of this
so that you can kind of see what this approach would look like.
First and foremost,
the limit that would be set ahead of time because proactively we know
(05:36):
that this is something that needs to be addressed.
You said that you have a big feeling 7 year old and then you said another brother.
I don't know if you only have 2 children or maybe more,
but I'm gonna go with the 2 child model because you only mentioned two in the email.
So in that scenario,
you're going to say to both of your boys.
(05:57):
In our family,
we take care of each other
and we're kind to each other,
and we never hurt each other.
Notice that that is proactively establishing expectation.
The key to this being effective is doing it at a neutral time.
So this has to be said ahead of time,
(06:18):
preemptively when no one is tired,
when no one is hungry,
when no one is bored,
when there's no emotional charge,
when nothing has just happened that was contentious between the two of them,
it's a very neutral
factual declaration.
In our family,
we treat each other with kindness,
we treat each other with love,
and we never hurt each other.
(06:39):
OK,
so you have to repeat that several times
to make it very known to the boys that is the expectation
that would be the only proactive setting a limit of sorts ahead of time.
What you've really done is set an expectation of
behavior because the limit isn't needed until it's needed.
So now the boys know
(07:00):
that the other one is never for hurting.
Then at that point,
if at any moment
your 7 year old walks by his brother,
gets frustrated and hits him.
Now you fall back on the expectation that has already been set.
Wherein you say I'm gonna make up a name.
(07:21):
Jake
You chose to hit your brother and your brother is never for hitting.
All right,
so now we've acknowledged the behavior and we've
reinforced the expectation that has already been established.
You can add in the why,
so it's sometimes helpful for a child to hear the why behind the limit.
(07:41):
So
you chose to hit your brother,
but your brother is never for hitting because no one in this family is for hurting.
If you want to go broader,
you can say people are never for hurting,
but I think it's probably a little bit more impactful if we keep
it isolated to the family since we've already said in our family,
we are always kind,
(08:01):
we're always loving,
and we never hurt each other,
so you're going to fall back on what's already been established.
So now behavior came up quote out of the blue for no reason,
and we immediately acknowledge what has happened.
Jake,
you chose to hit your brother and your brother is never
for hitting because your family members are never for hurting.
All right,
so now that's the A and the C of the limit.
(08:24):
Now,
we're moving into consequences.
So this
pattern has already been established of expectation.
He violated the expectation.
So I'm going to tweak the wording of what you said you would typically say.
So you said you would regularly say,
you cannot play with your brother right now and you need to go to your room.
(08:45):
That is
Consequence,
but it is you in charge
and it is you dictating the outcome.
And the tweak of that is that it becomes very clear that he made a choice.
So we're going to tweak the language here.
So after we say Jake,
you chose to hit your brother and your brother is never for hitting.
(09:07):
You chose to hit him,
therefore,
you choose to go to your room for 10 minutes.
Next time,
if you choose not to hit him when you get upset,
you choose not to go to your room for 10 minutes and
you choose to stay down here with the rest of the family.
Notice now you've made it really clear that there is a choice to always be made,
but in this moment,
(09:28):
the choice has already been made.
You knew that your brother wasn't for hurting.
You chose to hit him anyway.
So because you chose to hit your brother,
you choose to go to your room for 10 minutes.
But you,
that's the negative choice negative outcome.
You also want to present the positive choice,
y'all,
this is important.
We're very quick to focus on the negative,
(09:49):
but choice giving and especially ultimate choice giving,
which is when we do the if thens.
By the way,
if you've never heard of the regular choice giving versus ultimate choice giving,
again,
please go back in and listen to earlier episodes so you can get caught up.
When we move into ultimate choice giving,
it's very important to recognize that the positive and
the negative are both presented every single time.
(10:12):
If you choose not to hit your brother,
you choose to stay down and be with the family
and not go to your room.
But if you choose to hit your brother,
you choose to go to your room by yourself.
Now it's very clear
that
Jake,
in my scenario,
I'm air quoting Jake,
has a choice to make.
Now,
in the scenario where he already hit his brother,
(10:32):
he already chose the outcome,
but next time he can choose a different one.
And when he
says
I was just frustrated and it wasn't my fault,
and there's an epic meltdown with sobbing,
there's several things going on.
First of all,
he feels guilty and ashamed.
Second of all,
his emotions have de-escalated again,
and his brain kicked back in.
(10:53):
In the moment,
his brain was taking a nap
because emotions are always going to override
the cognitive.
Kids are not rational,
kids are not cognitive,
they're not thinking their way through things,
they're feeling their way through things.
He felt upset,
so he behaviorally reacted.
It's an experience,
it's an emotion,
and it's a behavior,
(11:14):
and they're all tied together.
He didn't think at all.
This is why when we say,
what were you thinking?
Why did you do that?
What made you think that was a good idea?
And they say,
I don't know,
it's true.
He did not know why he hit his brother.
He reacted because of an experience and emotion and a behavior.
But as those emotions de-escalate and they come back down,
(11:34):
brain comes back in
and brain says,
you shouldn't hit your brother,
you shouldn't have done that.
Now you're in trouble.
That wasn't,
uh,
that wasn't a helpful decision. what in the world?
OK,
the brain is now thinking again,
so he feels remorse,
he feels guilt,
he feels shame.
He probably is mad at himself.
He's mad that he's up in his room alone.
(11:55):
And so he's saying it wasn't my fault.
I was just frustrated.
Well,
the antidote to that
is building an emotional vocabulary for him.
So every time he expresses an emotion,
Kendall reflected to him.
You're excited,
you're proud,
you're glad that happened.
You're irritated,
you're angry,
(12:16):
you're annoyed,
you're disappointed.
Every time he expresses an emotion reflected to him,
why?
Because eventually what happens is he's going to be
able to recognize I feel frustrated right now.
And I'm able to communicate my frustration
verbally rather than emotionally and behaviorally.
Right now he is in fact showing his brother what he's feeling.
(12:39):
He's just not identifying it and communicating it.
He's hitting.
That's his way of expressing frustration.
So when he says,
when he's sobbing and he's having a meltdown saying it wasn't my fault,
I was just frustrated,
those are true statements for him.
It wasn't really his fault.
He didn't have much control over it
until a child builds regulation,
until a child builds emotional vocabulary.
(13:02):
They don't really have a lot of ability to control
their behavior.
We this is adulthood bias kicking in.
We have far too high of expectations
on a child's ability to think
before they do things.
They're not capable of it.
Developmentally,
age appropriately,
they are not able
to reason.
They cannot think their way through a scenario.
(13:24):
So he gets mad,
he hits
natural appropriate response.
But as he builds emotional vocabulary,
as he builds regulation,
as he learns to comply with limits.
He will naturally do that less and less.
And so that's why in conjunction,
we're going to set limits with the positive and the negative.
(13:46):
Jake,
if you choose to hit your brother,
you choose to go to your room by yourself.
If you choose not to hit your brother,
you choose to stay down here with the rest of us.
Which do you choose?
All right,
that's very clear.
It's also very important that he has an
emotional vocabulary because he needs an alternative.
He needs to be able to say,
stop,
Jared,
you're frustrating me.
(14:08):
That is a very different response than hitting
because he's charged.
So Kendall,
I hope that is helpful.
I hope that that gives you a little bit of insight into how to handle that.
And
the ACT model is designed in such a way that
children learn very quickly if it is consistently used,
(14:28):
they learn very quickly.
Mom and dad get it.
That's what the A is the validation.
Mom and dad get it.
There's a neutral limit
and I have choices.
And there are consequences tied to the choice.
But I have control over this.
So I'm going to choose the outcome that
favors me the most.
(14:49):
He doesn't want to be in his room,
so he will naturally learn to choose
to not his brother,
so that he can choose to stay down with the rest of the family.
That's the natural outcome of the ACT limit setting model.
So Kendall,
thank you so much for the question.
I hope that that helps you.
I hope that that helps everyone else as well.
It is a struggle to know how to address
(15:10):
surprising behaviors and kids are full of them.
So just when you get a handle on one,
there'll be a new one that pops up and we're always playing catch up.
So thank you to each of you for committing to be there for your children,
to committing to support your play therapists with whom you're working,
if you have your children in therapy.
And thank you for investing in your relationship
(15:30):
and wanting to be the most effective parent that you can be.
These are the decisions that you're making every
single day that have a lifelong effect,
long term impact as your children grow up and become parents themselves.
There is a cycle and pattern of behavior that's established,
and every choice that you make right now influences that long term.
So I hope that that encourages you and helps
(15:51):
you feel supported and loved because you are.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
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