S2E49 - When Siblings Clash: Rebuilding Connection Through Presence and Patience

In this episode, I respond to a question from Jenn in Connecticut, a mom navigating ongoing conflict between her two teenage sons. Despite being in individual therapy, the boys struggle to connect, and family time has become a battleground. I explore how small, seemingly insignificant moments build over time to shape strained relationships, and I offer a practical, child-centered strategy to help restore connection—without forcing it.

You'll hear how unconditional acceptance, consistent presence, and one-on-one time with each parent can slowly begin to heal fractured sibling dynamics. I also explain why the boys being in therapy is already a powerful start toward change, and how their personal growth will ripple through the family system over time.

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Common References:
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

Episode Transcript

(00:02):
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
awareness,
and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am answering a question from Jenn in Connecticut.

(00:24):
And this question is about her two teenage boys
that are struggling in their relationship with each other
and the navigation of that dynamic in the family.
So Jenn,
thank you so much for the email,
for reaching out.
So I'm gonna read parts of her email and then we'll dive in together.
We were recommended to participate in family therapy,

(00:45):
but the boys refused.
They are 17 and 14.
Both are in individual therapy and liking it.
I'm reaching out as our boys continue to have a conflictual relationship
and seem incapable or unwilling to tolerate each other.
We are unable to spend time as a family
for years,
but it seems to be getting worse.

(01:07):
Any attempts my husband or I make to connect as a family
are met with refusal or them arguing.
And they've been resistant to CCPT,
so I'm feeling a little discouraged and heartbroken.
All right,
Jenn,
thank you so much.
So this is a really interesting scenario.
I think often.

(01:28):
There's
what we call a slow fade.
And what I mean is
there are all kinds of micro experiences
that add up
and those individual experiences
are really kind of trivial and insignificant and benign along the way
but over the course of years
they accrue.

(01:49):
And now all of a sudden the present moment
is clouded by
thousands of micro experiences
that
took place already
that are now influencing what's going on in the moment and
that sounds like what has likely taken place with your boys
for a variety of reasons they've had
disagreements,
difference in personality.

(02:12):
Conflict,
some kind of struggle,
one felt
misunderstood,
one felt disrespected,
one felt laughed at,
judged,
criticized,
whatever the scenario is.
Or they breathed on each other,
you know,
I mean it can be really insignificant things sometimes,
but
you end up with boys that

(02:33):
just don't feel like they
enjoy each other's company,
and this is consistent in all relationships.
This is not just sibling relationships.
And I know that
you actually have
interesting scenario because there are neurodivergent issues as well.
So there's a lot of factors here.
Here's what I think will be an encouragement to you and probably to many of you that

(02:57):
feel like you're maybe you are currently in a
relationship or you see within the family dynamics,
there are relationships that are similar to this.
The fact that they're both in individual therapy,
that's
the most helpful start
for the remedy,
and here's what I mean.
The
identified client,

(03:17):
so anyone in a family that is in therapy,
they become the change agent for the whole family.
So even if only one person in the family is in therapy.
The fact that they are changing,
it will naturally change the family as well.
This is statistically proven and known.
They are both in individual therapy,

(03:38):
which means they're both changing.
They're both becoming better versions of themselves.
They are both working on
whatever they need to work on.
So by nature of them being in therapy,
they will both
create change
in the family,
in the sibling relationship,

(03:58):
in the entire dynamic at home,
and it's often slow,
and it's often only seen in hindsight.
But there will be shifts.
So that bodes really well,
Jenn,
that
we know the identified client becomes the change agent in the family.
Keep
them both in therapy,

(04:18):
moral of that story.
Second of all,
it sounds as though
they
really just
don't have any way to connect right now.
You can't force connection.
So what sounds to me like it might be a healthy fit.
I
You
spend 30 minutes

(04:40):
with one son,
your husband spends 30 minutes with the other son.
This becomes a planned activity
and then
later in the week you switch.
And so if it's the 17 year old on Monday with you,
then it'll be the 14 year old on Thursday with you.
And it becomes a scenario

(05:01):
where both boys look forward to one on one time with
each of their parents.
There's no agenda.
They get to decide what you do.
You're there just to unconditionally accept them,
to let them decide what happens
if they want to.
Show you something,
teach you something,

(05:22):
play something,
talk,
make something,
go for a walk,
go fishing,
throw a football,
whatever it is
they get to decide what to do.
There's no expectation there's no agenda if they choose to
do nothing other than have you sit next to them.
If they don't talk to you,
if they don't look at you,
if they act as if you're not even there,

(05:43):
you're just gonna be present for 30 minutes.
Here's what you're instilling in them.
You are unconditionally loved and accepted.
No matter what.
I don't have agenda.
I'm not waiting for you to talk.
I'm not waiting for you to engage.
I'm not waiting for you to meet my needs.
I'm not waiting for you to make me happy.
I'm just going to be here with you because I unconditionally love and accept you.

(06:07):
And if you're consistent
over time.
They will start to realize
who they are.
They'll start to realize who they want to be.
They will start to self-actualize.
This is the child-centered way.
So as each boy gets time with each parent.
They will naturally become better versions of themselves.

(06:30):
They will naturally feel more loved and accepted at home.
That will naturally trickle into their relationship with each other.
It will not happen overnight.
It will not be a quick light switch kind of flip.
But as they continue in therapy and as they continue to receive

(06:50):
time with no agenda,
unconditional acceptance,
they learn.
I
like who I am.
I know who I am.
I trust who I am.
I accept who I am.
Those are powerful statements and as self-esteem increases,
look,
we know just noticing a child is a powerful builder of self-esteem.

(07:12):
That's one of the rules of thumb from
the parent training.
So
we know just noticing a child build self-esteem.
I think both of your boys really do not have a sense of who they are.
Based on what you're describing,
I think they have very low self-concept.
As they start to understand more who they are and they like themselves more

(07:33):
and their self-esteem increases and their self-confidence increases,
they will naturally
be OK
with each other
in a new context.
It will change the dynamic.
When you have two people that don't like themselves,
they're certainly not going to like each other.
So they will naturally evolve

(07:54):
into more confident beings.
And when you like yourself and when you accept yourself.
You're much more tolerant,
you're much more gracious,
you're much more patient,
you're much more understanding,
all kinds of things change for you.
So Jenn,
I hope that that's helpful.
I,
I know that a lot of parents

(08:14):
struggle with relationship dynamics and relational conflicts.
So thank you so much for the email.
I appreciate you reaching out.
If you have a question,
if you'd like to say hello,
if you wanna run something by me about your kids or your family,
please reach out,
[e-mail]
[e-mail]
I'd love to hear from you.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to

(08:34):
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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