August 19, 2025 • 11 mins
In this episode, I answer a question from a mom of two daughters who is struggling with sass, sibling fights, and power struggles—especially with her 9-year-old. While it may feel like a dozen separate issues, I explain how these behaviors can often be traced back to one underlying theme: a child’s need for power and control. Once we see it through that lens, things become much clearer.
I walk through how giving choices within boundaries can reduce conflict, why reflecting feelings is especially important for sensitive kids, and how adulthood bias can unintentionally cause us to expect our children to act like little adults. I also share the importance of setting aside even just 15 minutes of focused, unconditional time to strengthen your connection. These simple shifts can make a big difference in easing the power struggles and building a stronger relationship with your child.
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Common References:
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
awareness,
and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am answering a question from Brianna,
(00:23):
and this is about
girls,
siblings,
daughters.
And some of the behaviors
that are struggles at home
and just asking for some tips and strategies
on how to navigate some of those difficulties.
So Brianna,
thank you so much for the email.
I appreciate you reaching out.
So let me read parts of what came in and then we'll dive in together.
(00:47):
I'm a mom to a 9 and a 6 year old,
and we're dealing with a lot of sass.
Asking them to do chores or something else always turns into a fight.
The girls fight constantly,
and I'm struggling to manage it all.
My 9 year old is smart but knows how to push my buttons,
and I feel our relationship could be stronger.
Maybe I'm too harsh.
I push her to read and do math daily because I want her to succeed in school,
(01:09):
unlike me.
She's also very clingy,
loves hugging kids and doesn't understand personal space.
I've talked to her about respecting others' boundaries,
but it's ongoing.
She's also struggling with self-care.
I'd appreciate some advice on how to tackle these issues.
All right,
so
I know that probably Brianna to you feels like a whole bunch of
(01:29):
very diverse and distinct issues.
The interesting thing about
perceiving kids' behavior in light of a funnel
is you can almost funnel it down to one undercurrent,
and what you're describing with your nine year old is power and control.
So if we see everything through that lens,
I think it will make this make a lot more sense and not feel so disjointed.
(01:53):
So the fact that when you ask them to do something,
you get sass,
as you say,
and it always turns into a fight,
power and control grab.
The fact that they're fighting with each other,
power and control grab.
The fact that she's pushing your buttons,
power and control grab,
the fact that she
is clingy and doesn't understand personal space,
(02:15):
power and control.
And
not wanting to do self-care routine
and regimen,
power and control.
All right,
so now let's
tease this apart a little more.
We know
that kids only have control over 5 things.
So
when you're young.
You really are told what,
(02:36):
where,
when,
how,
why
to do everything.
And so you can
have some power,
have some control
with eating,
sleeping,
toileting,
obeying.
There's a limited set of options here and she's bringing all of them in.
(02:56):
So,
in light of that,
one of the most important things that you can do is to give her lots of choices.
Choice giving is going to be the antidote to the power struggle
because if you consistently provide her with choices,
you're OK
with both choices that you offer.
So you're this isn't carte blanche,
(03:17):
she gets to do whatever she wants and she gets to rule the roost.
That's the myth when parents hear about the choice giving concept,
they're like,
so kids just get to choose whatever they want to do all the time.
No,
it's within parameters and boundaries that you're comfortable with.
So for example,
if you ask her to
do chores.
And she doesn't want to.
(03:37):
First,
you're going to validate her feeling.
Oh,
you really don't want to empty the dishwasher right now.
Hey,
she needs to feel heard and understood.
She's not wrong for not wanting to empty the dishes.
Who does really?
I know there's like a few of you that really like emptying the dishwasher,
but like
most of us would rather not.
So
if she
says,
(03:57):
I don't want to do that,
OK,
that can be perceived assass and power,
but it's also her expressing that
she just doesn't really enjoy it.
So we're going to validate that.
You really wish you didn't have to do that.
You don't really like emptying the dishwasher.
OK,
it's a neutral acknowledgement.
She's not wrong for feeling that way.
Then you can give her an empowerment choice.
(04:19):
You really don't want to do that,
so you can choose to do it in 5 minutes,
or you can choose to do it in 10 minutes.
Which do you choose?
Now,
you
are
hypothetically,
I'm,
I'm air quoting because I would assume you would be OK
with her doing it in 5 or 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure the goal is that the dishes get emptied.
(04:40):
So if
it's going to be a fight otherwise.
Would you really care if she does it in 5 or 10 minutes?
I suspect not.
So you are OK with the parameters of the choice.
But now you've given her a measure of control.
Does she want to do it in 5 minutes or does she want to do it in 10 minutes?
Now all of a sudden she's not going to fight for so much power and control
(05:03):
and say,
no,
I absolutely refuse.
I don't want to,
you're the worst mom ever.
She's going to say,
I choose to do it in 10 minutes.
And the beauty of choice giving is when a child chooses.
From two options
there is automatic buy-in.
There's automatic ownership.
If she says I choose 10 minutes.
(05:24):
When the 10 minutes are up,
if she says anything other than,
OK,
I'll go do the dishes now,
you're just going to say,
You still don't want to do them,
but you chose to do them in 10 minutes,
and it's been 10 minutes.
Yeah,
but I just,
I wanna keep doing this.
You wish you could keep doing that,
but it's been 10 minutes and you chose to do it in 10 minutes,
(05:45):
so it's time to do the dishes now.
So if you can continue to provide choices and then you fall back on the choice.
There's going to be a natural ownership that comes
from her making decisions and she has a measure of power,
so she will not power struggle as much.
Same thing with the hygiene and the self-care.
(06:07):
You can choose to have me brush your hair,
or you can choose to brush your hair,
which do you choose?
You can choose to use this toothpaste to brush your teeth,
or you can choose to use this toothpaste to brush your teeth,
which do you choose?
You're just going to put choices in place as much as possible.
It doesn't work if you don't say choose 3 times though.
(06:27):
So if you say,
do you want to use this toothpaste or this toothpaste?
That's not a choice.
It has to be very clear that you're giving her a choice,
so you're gonna say the word choose 3 times.
Do you choose to use this toothpaste or do you choose to use this toothpaste,
which do you choose?
And over time,
she is going to realize she does not have to fight for so much power and control,
(06:50):
because
you're constantly giving her measures of power and control.
And it will naturally reduce the power struggles.
My final thought for you,
Brianna,
is you said
I.
I am constantly pushing her to read and do math.
I want her to succeed.
Maybe I'm too harsh.
A lot of times we try to make up
(07:12):
for things that we wish were different for ourselves
in the way that we parent our kids we're
trying to break a cycle we're trying to stop dysfunction
we're trying to change the trajectory
because we didn't like
our childhood or what we experienced,
so we're trying to change that for our kids
and that's a noble pursuit.
The balance
(07:32):
is understanding adulthood bias.
Kids are not rational.
Kids are not cognitive.
They don't have abstract reasoning.
They're not going to think their way through anything.
So one of the things that we need to do
is understand that they are completely emotional and experiential.
(07:53):
She's a big feeler.
I can tell by what you're describing.
She feels things deeply.
She's sensitive.
Adulthood bias wants her to think
and use her brain
and to be logical and to be rational and understand personal space
and want to read and do math because it's good for her.
She's not gonna be any of those things because she's not an adult.
(08:15):
That's our adulthood bias kicking in.
So one of the things that we need to do is make sure we reflect her feelings
as much as possible.
She's a sensitive emotional kid.
Do that with both of your girls,
but specifically your 9 year old.
And then further,
devote at least 15 minutes.
To just spending time with her
(08:37):
to build the relationship
because if you're concerned that you're a little bit too harsh,
the repair for that
is unconditional love and acceptance and quality time
where you focus on the relationship
and nothing else
so budget in 15 minutes where you just are with her.
You just do what she wants to do for 15 minutes.
(09:00):
And if she wants to tell you something,
if she wants to paint,
she wants to draw,
she wants to sing,
she wants to show you a dance move,
she wants to do a puzzle with you,
whatever,
it's just quality time.
15 minutes doesn't have to be long.
But what you're communicating is,
I unconditionally love and accept you,
and kids naturally behave in more self enhancing ways
(09:23):
when they feel unconditionally loved and when the relationship
is at the heart of the connection.
So
that's what I recommend.
Those three
things,
provide choices as much as possible.
Make sure that you're giving her 15 minutes of
no agenda.
(09:43):
I just want to be with you and focus on the relationship time.
And reflect her feelings because she's a sensitive kid,
understanding how adulthood bias is getting in the way.
She's not gonna to think her way through things,
she's not gonna be rational.
You can talk to her all day long about boundaries,
it doesn't mean anything.
She feels,
and when she feels she wants to give hugs.
(10:06):
She doesn't know any better because she's not thinking about it.
It's not purposeful,
it's not manipulative.
She's just emotional,
so she's going to show you
that she cares.
She's gonna show her friends that she loves them by hugging them.
That's the way that she's going to behave.
She will naturally sorted out
as she matures,
as she grows,
(10:26):
as she starts to have more objectivity.
But don't let adulthood bias get in the way of the connection.
That's what's going to make the biggest change.
So Brianna,
thank you so much for the question.
I appreciate it.
I am always grateful when you all
want to hang out with me and,
and,
and chat about your kids.
So if you have something you'd like to share,
(10:46):
please email me brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
I read every one,
I will respond,
I promise.
So I'm grateful for you,
pour into your kids,
love your kids.
They're the greatest thing that we're gonna do in this life is raising our children.
So keep it up,
it's worth it.
Love you all.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
(11:09):
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
You're listening to the
Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
awareness,
and enlightenment about your parenting
and your relationship with your kids.
In today's episode,
I am answering a question from Brianna,
(00:23):
and this is about
girls,
siblings,
daughters.
And some of the behaviors
that are struggles at home
and just asking for some tips and strategies
on how to navigate some of those difficulties.
So Brianna,
thank you so much for the email.
I appreciate you reaching out.
So let me read parts of what came in and then we'll dive in together.
(00:47):
I'm a mom to a 9 and a 6 year old,
and we're dealing with a lot of sass.
Asking them to do chores or something else always turns into a fight.
The girls fight constantly,
and I'm struggling to manage it all.
My 9 year old is smart but knows how to push my buttons,
and I feel our relationship could be stronger.
Maybe I'm too harsh.
I push her to read and do math daily because I want her to succeed in school,
(01:09):
unlike me.
She's also very clingy,
loves hugging kids and doesn't understand personal space.
I've talked to her about respecting others' boundaries,
but it's ongoing.
She's also struggling with self-care.
I'd appreciate some advice on how to tackle these issues.
All right,
so
I know that probably Brianna to you feels like a whole bunch of
(01:29):
very diverse and distinct issues.
The interesting thing about
perceiving kids' behavior in light of a funnel
is you can almost funnel it down to one undercurrent,
and what you're describing with your nine year old is power and control.
So if we see everything through that lens,
I think it will make this make a lot more sense and not feel so disjointed.
(01:53):
So the fact that when you ask them to do something,
you get sass,
as you say,
and it always turns into a fight,
power and control grab.
The fact that they're fighting with each other,
power and control grab.
The fact that she's pushing your buttons,
power and control grab,
the fact that she
is clingy and doesn't understand personal space,
(02:15):
power and control.
And
not wanting to do self-care routine
and regimen,
power and control.
All right,
so now let's
tease this apart a little more.
We know
that kids only have control over 5 things.
So
when you're young.
You really are told what,
(02:36):
where,
when,
how,
why
to do everything.
And so you can
have some power,
have some control
with eating,
sleeping,
toileting,
obeying.
There's a limited set of options here and she's bringing all of them in.
(02:56):
So,
in light of that,
one of the most important things that you can do is to give her lots of choices.
Choice giving is going to be the antidote to the power struggle
because if you consistently provide her with choices,
you're OK
with both choices that you offer.
So you're this isn't carte blanche,
(03:17):
she gets to do whatever she wants and she gets to rule the roost.
That's the myth when parents hear about the choice giving concept,
they're like,
so kids just get to choose whatever they want to do all the time.
No,
it's within parameters and boundaries that you're comfortable with.
So for example,
if you ask her to
do chores.
And she doesn't want to.
(03:37):
First,
you're going to validate her feeling.
Oh,
you really don't want to empty the dishwasher right now.
Hey,
she needs to feel heard and understood.
She's not wrong for not wanting to empty the dishes.
Who does really?
I know there's like a few of you that really like emptying the dishwasher,
but like
most of us would rather not.
So
if she
says,
(03:57):
I don't want to do that,
OK,
that can be perceived assass and power,
but it's also her expressing that
she just doesn't really enjoy it.
So we're going to validate that.
You really wish you didn't have to do that.
You don't really like emptying the dishwasher.
OK,
it's a neutral acknowledgement.
She's not wrong for feeling that way.
Then you can give her an empowerment choice.
(04:19):
You really don't want to do that,
so you can choose to do it in 5 minutes,
or you can choose to do it in 10 minutes.
Which do you choose?
Now,
you
are
hypothetically,
I'm,
I'm air quoting because I would assume you would be OK
with her doing it in 5 or 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure the goal is that the dishes get emptied.
(04:40):
So if
it's going to be a fight otherwise.
Would you really care if she does it in 5 or 10 minutes?
I suspect not.
So you are OK with the parameters of the choice.
But now you've given her a measure of control.
Does she want to do it in 5 minutes or does she want to do it in 10 minutes?
Now all of a sudden she's not going to fight for so much power and control
(05:03):
and say,
no,
I absolutely refuse.
I don't want to,
you're the worst mom ever.
She's going to say,
I choose to do it in 10 minutes.
And the beauty of choice giving is when a child chooses.
From two options
there is automatic buy-in.
There's automatic ownership.
If she says I choose 10 minutes.
(05:24):
When the 10 minutes are up,
if she says anything other than,
OK,
I'll go do the dishes now,
you're just going to say,
You still don't want to do them,
but you chose to do them in 10 minutes,
and it's been 10 minutes.
Yeah,
but I just,
I wanna keep doing this.
You wish you could keep doing that,
but it's been 10 minutes and you chose to do it in 10 minutes,
(05:45):
so it's time to do the dishes now.
So if you can continue to provide choices and then you fall back on the choice.
There's going to be a natural ownership that comes
from her making decisions and she has a measure of power,
so she will not power struggle as much.
Same thing with the hygiene and the self-care.
(06:07):
You can choose to have me brush your hair,
or you can choose to brush your hair,
which do you choose?
You can choose to use this toothpaste to brush your teeth,
or you can choose to use this toothpaste to brush your teeth,
which do you choose?
You're just going to put choices in place as much as possible.
It doesn't work if you don't say choose 3 times though.
(06:27):
So if you say,
do you want to use this toothpaste or this toothpaste?
That's not a choice.
It has to be very clear that you're giving her a choice,
so you're gonna say the word choose 3 times.
Do you choose to use this toothpaste or do you choose to use this toothpaste,
which do you choose?
And over time,
she is going to realize she does not have to fight for so much power and control,
(06:50):
because
you're constantly giving her measures of power and control.
And it will naturally reduce the power struggles.
My final thought for you,
Brianna,
is you said
I.
I am constantly pushing her to read and do math.
I want her to succeed.
Maybe I'm too harsh.
A lot of times we try to make up
(07:12):
for things that we wish were different for ourselves
in the way that we parent our kids we're
trying to break a cycle we're trying to stop dysfunction
we're trying to change the trajectory
because we didn't like
our childhood or what we experienced,
so we're trying to change that for our kids
and that's a noble pursuit.
The balance
(07:32):
is understanding adulthood bias.
Kids are not rational.
Kids are not cognitive.
They don't have abstract reasoning.
They're not going to think their way through anything.
So one of the things that we need to do
is understand that they are completely emotional and experiential.
(07:53):
She's a big feeler.
I can tell by what you're describing.
She feels things deeply.
She's sensitive.
Adulthood bias wants her to think
and use her brain
and to be logical and to be rational and understand personal space
and want to read and do math because it's good for her.
She's not gonna be any of those things because she's not an adult.
(08:15):
That's our adulthood bias kicking in.
So one of the things that we need to do is make sure we reflect her feelings
as much as possible.
She's a sensitive emotional kid.
Do that with both of your girls,
but specifically your 9 year old.
And then further,
devote at least 15 minutes.
To just spending time with her
(08:37):
to build the relationship
because if you're concerned that you're a little bit too harsh,
the repair for that
is unconditional love and acceptance and quality time
where you focus on the relationship
and nothing else
so budget in 15 minutes where you just are with her.
You just do what she wants to do for 15 minutes.
(09:00):
And if she wants to tell you something,
if she wants to paint,
she wants to draw,
she wants to sing,
she wants to show you a dance move,
she wants to do a puzzle with you,
whatever,
it's just quality time.
15 minutes doesn't have to be long.
But what you're communicating is,
I unconditionally love and accept you,
and kids naturally behave in more self enhancing ways
(09:23):
when they feel unconditionally loved and when the relationship
is at the heart of the connection.
So
that's what I recommend.
Those three
things,
provide choices as much as possible.
Make sure that you're giving her 15 minutes of
no agenda.
(09:43):
I just want to be with you and focus on the relationship time.
And reflect her feelings because she's a sensitive kid,
understanding how adulthood bias is getting in the way.
She's not gonna to think her way through things,
she's not gonna be rational.
You can talk to her all day long about boundaries,
it doesn't mean anything.
She feels,
and when she feels she wants to give hugs.
(10:06):
She doesn't know any better because she's not thinking about it.
It's not purposeful,
it's not manipulative.
She's just emotional,
so she's going to show you
that she cares.
She's gonna show her friends that she loves them by hugging them.
That's the way that she's going to behave.
She will naturally sorted out
as she matures,
as she grows,
(10:26):
as she starts to have more objectivity.
But don't let adulthood bias get in the way of the connection.
That's what's going to make the biggest change.
So Brianna,
thank you so much for the question.
I appreciate it.
I am always grateful when you all
want to hang out with me and,
and,
and chat about your kids.
So if you have something you'd like to share,
(10:46):
please email me brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
I read every one,
I will respond,
I promise.
So I'm grateful for you,
pour into your kids,
love your kids.
They're the greatest thing that we're gonna do in this life is raising our children.
So keep it up,
it's worth it.
Love you all.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
(11:09):
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.
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