Andrew W. - Everytime Was My Last Time - Podcast Recovery

Episode Transcript
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(00:03):
Welcome back to Podcast Recovery, everyone.
We're your hosts. David O.
And Carly S. And oh, and Eric DI, just like
hearing the SI. Was just going to say it's so
nice to hear. You know, second or third.
Yeah, second, second time. It's the second time that she,
you know, it only took two years.
It took a while. Good for two years, but you're
there. Anyway, we're joined by our very

(00:25):
special guest, good friend Andy.How you doing man?
Doing all right, doing all right, just starting out.
It's overall really good. Good, good talking to the mic.
Though Oh yeah, I used. To angle that a little bit
towards you. For some reason I imagined like,
there you go, a computer mic in like a shed, no?
And this is just like a way different than expected.

(00:47):
No, no, we're official as shitty.
We're official as fuck. Where are you from?
I'm from Ellicott City, MD rightdown the street.
Yeah, Where'd you go to high school, Centennial?
Centennial. OK, so you're born and bred
here? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Old Ellicott City type like so
are you more old Ellicott City or Columbia?
Which way did you leave? More closer to the Columbia

(01:09):
side. OK.
About about you. David.
What? What?
What did you say? Nothing.
Nothing. I don't know.
I completely missed it. Yeah, it's OK.
Fuck Eric, Don't. Listen, you'll hear it in the
recording. I will.
When were you first introduced to recovery?
So that's an interesting one. My brother has been cleaned for

(01:31):
a good like 12 years or so. I know might be more than that.
So he's been clean I think like 20 years.
I don't know how I underplayed it there.
In the same fellowship or different fellowship?
Same fellowship. Oh wow.
So he got clean real young, around 18.
So I was, I'm 10 years younger. So I got exposed around 8 or 9.

(01:53):
I went to like his anniversary when I was like 8 or 9.
I've been to a few. And you still did drugs?
Yeah, definitely. I remember being like, I'm never
going to do that. I don't want to be like that.
I'm going to learn from my brother's.
Mistake. That seems pretty consistent,
you know what I mean? With the kids that run around in
a meetings like they usually endup in NA, it depends, you know?

(02:13):
Yeah, 50505050. I'd say it's a 5050 all right.
So how long have you been clean?I've been clean like two years
in a couple months since my clean date is May 6th, 2022.
Fantastic. And with all that out of the
way, turn it over to you to Share your story with us.
Take it away. All right, so I grew up in a
pretty wealthy area. My parents got divorced, so I

(02:36):
always was comparing out to others.
And that's something that I've continued to do throughout my
life and even into my recovery. Did that affect you when you
were young? So I was probably six or seven,
maybe a little younger than that, maybe like 5.
And so I don't have a lot of memories of my parents together,
whereas my brother and sister, it was all they knew.
Yeah. So at the time, it seemed like

(02:58):
it wasn't that big of a deal to me.
But I also, like, got the brunt of, like, actually having to
split time with both, like, and,like, live through them.
They, my brother and sister weremore or less adults at that
point. Yeah.
So I had to do the shared custody thing and go to mom's
on, like, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
Dad's on like Thursday, Friday, Saturday did.

(03:19):
You get 2 Christmases? Yes that's dope.
So jealous of that anyway. But I'd go to a friend's houses
and they'd have their parents together, or they'd have like
the nicer game systems, the nicer basements and stuff like
that. And I just always felt like I
was like poor, even though I hadeverything that I ever needed,
like, and most of the stuff I wanted, I just always felt like

(03:41):
it wasn't good enough. And all my friends were really
nice and whatnot. And I got to like benefit from
them having the stuff that I wanted too.
But I always felt like when I went home, my life wasn't as
nice. In reality, I came from a very
loving family, but that's just how I felt at the time.
And then I wasn't particularly good at like sports or anything.

(04:03):
And like, well, common thing forlike my life is just like if I'm
not good at something naturally,I just don't do it.
And that's something I've tried to conquer over time.
But like for most of my childhood, teen and like young
adult life, if I was bad at likesome sport like basketball, so
bad at it I just don't play at all.

(04:24):
And like riding a bike. I didn't learn how to ride a
bike until. Now, are you bad at basketball
because you're uncoordinated or because you're white?
A little bit of both. And like, yeah, if I don't try,
I'll never be good at it. That's true.
Sorry, that was totally my fault.
I pumped the table. So people will ask me to play
and I'm just like, Oh, no, that's not for me.
Yeah. And so I never felt like I was

(04:45):
good enough in those areas and whatnot.
As I get a little older, I got, like, interested in girls and
whatnot. Like, I never was the guy who
had the most attention on him. So I always just felt like I
wasn't good enough. And meanwhile, like, also
showing, like, little signs of, like, other addictions and
whatnot, like sneaking out the bedroom to play video games and
stuff, crying when the Xbox got taken.

(05:06):
There was a PlayStation, but same thing.
Yeah. Like it was the end of the world
and like playing, playing video games for like half a day,
unless like my parents were like, all right, you got to go
outside and do something. And well, I was like, yeah,
getting like super involved intoa crush and like, like planning

(05:28):
out my life like with her. Like when I'm like 10 years old
and it's like, it's like, bro, like, why are you planning out
your wedding when you're 10 years old?
Like you've you've talked to this girl like three times in
like health class or something. I.
Actually did that too. That that that makes a lot of
sense. Doesn't.
It and it was it was an obsession, yeah.
And I remember even having the directory for like.

(05:50):
Wait, did a girl ever break yourheart?
Oh yeah. What was her name?
First name? Say it.
This girl Molly, I remember I asked her out in middle school
and she was just not with it. And it just her.
I obsessed about her all year and then she was just like Nah
bro we just sit next to each other in health class.

(06:12):
That's terrible, but like she never got her heart broken.
Who broke your heart? So many, so many.
But yeah, just like unreciprocated energy, but it's
making me feel less than when Sally, like I'm sure who broke
mine. There was people that I'll pick
one. There was a lot of good friends
and people that did, like, care about me that I could have

(06:32):
focused on that. But yeah, I had the directory
for this one girl and I called her house like every day and
like would just breathe into thephone until, until her mom, like
called my mom and was like, yo, this is weird.
Like there's caller ID, so it sounds like my last name.
Basically everything. Breathing like.

(06:53):
Oh God, I can't do it. I can't do it.
I can't do. It no, stop it little kid breath
too so they know what it is likeit's just like high pitched
breathing and yeah their mom waslike gay your son's got to stop
so then I said I never wanted todo drugs but.
Can I digress real quick? Yeah.

(07:13):
The boys, like were like boys like super into you.
No. Oh, really?
Really, I don't know. I mean, I don't think so.
Did you fantasize in the way that boys fantasize about?
Like, were you? What the fuck?
No, I'm asking what? I'm asking that question.
OK. Like, like you were just
describing like, oh, I'm going to marry this person, blah,
blah, blah. I'm asking that same question.

(07:35):
I wasn't getting like, Oh yeah, I.
Didn't know where you said fantasize.
Where? Where is your head at?
In a terrible way. Oh my God.
Did you have a little pretend fiance in middle school?
No, she's. Thinking about it though, I see
her eye. It's.
Like there's a twinkle, I am thinking, but I don't think so
because the middle school was elementary school.

(07:57):
My, my school, which one? There's my focus was like
sports. That's when I planned out.
So who's what's the name? I don't have a name.
I did have a his name was Ji didhave a fake wedding to a boy
named Nick when I was in pre-K. OK, yeah, I had a fake wedding
when I was in, I think in kindergarten.
But no, I've like, I planned outmy future around sports.

(08:18):
That's what I did. So that's an independent woman.
OK, we've digressed too far back.
Independent. Woman back to Andy.
Still independent. So.
So I said I was never going to do do drugs.
There we go. I like, I'm glad you kept.
I heard the stuff. I heard the stuff about my
brother and I kind of figured like, saw some of the harm that
he had caused and like, also sawlike some of the progress in his

(08:39):
life, how like things were bad and now they were better.
But I was like, hey, never want to like do drugs.
But then the first time they were in the room with me, like
first time people were using drugs around me, I just tried
them 'cause like curiosity maybetrying to fit in or whatnot.
What drug? It was like weed.

(08:59):
Someone made a tinfoil, like little pipe.
So nasty. And like we went out and like at
my friend's house, we went out in the snow and there was like,
like, like snow prints the next day.
And the dad was like, what? Where were y'all going in the
snow, bro? Like, why were you like why?
There's like footprints outside the back door, Like to
underneath the deck? Yes.
What are you doing underneath the deck?

(09:19):
Yeah, but yeah, I remember like I didn't feel what I.
So. Unslick I didn't really feel
like what I thought it was goingto be, but I, I definitely felt
like different and I like laughed a little and I was like,
I'm going to try this again sometime because I didn't think
I'd experienced it and then overtime I just kept going and going
and. Wait, did you get high the first
time? I don't think so.
See I I'm like the only person that got.

(09:40):
High. You know, David, we've talked
about this. It's because you smoke
cigarettes, so you already knew how to inhale.
I didn't smoke cigarettes. I didn't know how to inhale.
There's a learning curve, right?Did you smoke cigarettes?
No, not before that. Now you are a good kid.
Yeah, yeah, what the fuck? God damn it.
OK, anyway. And then, yeah, I just started

(10:00):
hanging out with people that didthat, people that would have
started to do that like at a younger age.
So they were like sponsoring me and starting to like smoke weed
and drink and stuff. And like they had access to
their older brothers. I.
Never thought about that. We totally had drug sponsors.
Oh yeah, holy. Shit I've never thought of.
That I was a drug sponsor. No, you were just.

(10:22):
I was. You were just.
The guy peer pressure everybody like an asshole.
I was a drug sponsor. Like, come on, it's really fun.
Let me take you along. Everybody's doing it.
Are you trying to go down the yellow brick road?
God I hate you. Anyway, you're getting sponsored
how to do drugs. And yet I remember getting
honest with my parents about me trying it early on, like, and

(10:43):
they just instantly freaked out because of all the things that
happened with my brother. So they put me into these like
IO PS as like a teenager and whatnot.
And that point like the trust, Iwas like, there's nothing to be
honest about here. Like I was honest.
And then now here I am like in trouble.
I'm not able to like hang out with my friends because I got to
be in these drug counseling classes and like how the thing

(11:06):
work is like if you put a room full of like teenage drug
addicts in together and they don't want to exchange.
Numbers. Yeah, Yep.
No matter how much you try. And that's what ended up
happening. Yeah, I did like a couple of
what? Center did you go to?
Congruent in Colombia, but then also they put me in Malumni, a
lot of people and they put me ina mountain Manor in in like off

(11:29):
Frederick Rd. in Baltimore. Yeah, the.
Catonsall one for kids. You do not.
Belong there they tried to make.Why?
Not like. It's a scared straight.
That was my first one. Yeah, that's a.
Scared straight for a kid from Howard County.
Yeah, no, this was the one in Baltimore City.
I know exactly where it is. It's an.
Integral. Yeah, Irvington.
Yeah, yeah, it's, if you ever got a tour of that place, it's

(11:50):
really cool. It's one of, like, my therapist,
my counselor took me there. He gave me a tour.
The whole, like, building. Yeah, it's like one of the last,
like, I don't know, something special about Catholics.
In Baltimore, anyway. And like, I remember well, at
the Mount Manda one, there wouldbe like, it would be a bunch of
people under 18 and there'd be an hour long smoke break for

(12:10):
every three hours, mind you, like, no one's legally allowed
to smoke tobacco. Yeah, they're 16 and 15 years
old. Yeah, on court paper, but
there'd be an hour long smoke break just like on like
basketball break. And it was kind of like a joke
and I just didn't want to be there.
And I learned how to just like game the system a little.
Yeah. Like most people would be like,
all right, I'll just stop smoking or whatever.

(12:30):
But I'd be like, oh, if I get drug tested on Monday or
Tuesday, that means like, because my metabolism is like
Hussein Bolt level 1515 years old, like I can like, you know,
smoke on Friday night, like justa little bit.
And like it worked for a while until it didn't.
And then I like failed a few andthen but like somehow still made
it through the all these programs like back-to-back.

(12:52):
And meanwhile there's all sorts of signs of like me being an
addict that I wasn't listening to at the time.
I got grounded and like went into school like and really
wanted was hearing about all theparties and whatnot.
So I had this like friend whose parents owned like a liquor
store or a convenience store. It was like a Chinese guy and he

(13:12):
like brought in like a rice equivalent of Everclear.
Like it wasn't grain alcohol, itwas like rice.
So sake. It was like 70% though.
So sake moonshine. Yes, OK.
And no English on the on the bottle.
All straight Chinese and I was just like I but other than 70.
Sake's Japanese. Yeah, it's rude.
OK, Anyway. But yeah, it was nasty and I

(13:34):
drank it in school and I blackedout and I puked everywhere and I
woke up in the hospital with a catheter in.
So just straight, straight like.Did you know what it was?
Did you know what it was? Wait, I've had this experience.
Did you know what a catheter was?
No. Yeah, isn't it awful?
Surprised Dick tube like. That should be the title of the
episode Surprise. Dick tube and but that wasn't

(13:54):
enough. I didn't think I was adding.
I just thought that like I messed up and like couldn't pace
myself with that. I blame that beverage when it
was like, it's me. And because I had to get drug
tests, I would smoke spice and that led to a seizure and
another hospitalization. And then eventually I discovered
like selling drugs. And that was like the biggest
obsession for like a good like 10 years is like finding the

(14:17):
cheapest and like being able to make the most profit, running
the profit numbers before I havethe money in my hand.
Everyone was blowing me up for like XYZ thing.
And like I felt like the man like all that stuff was like not
feeling good enough. Like went away when I had
something that people wanted andI felt like I was a little
better than them. And then yeah, like I remember

(14:38):
getting caught by both parents doing that.
And I got kicked out right when I was 18 and I'm like couch
surfing around and it sucked. And I moved into a place in like
Arbutus or Land Sound right off route one.
I like found a place that like Icould rent A room for like 3-4
hundred at the time. And I was the only friend that

(14:58):
had in their own place. Like we're 18.
Like, we're still in, like, we just finished out high school,
so people would come over and party and stuff.
That room that I rented there was somebody that had gotten
rated for selling drugs in it before.
So I was like, Lightning can't strike twice, like, in the same
place. Yeah.
But it did. In fact, it made lightning more
easy to strike because they already had a pattern of, like,

(15:21):
trafficking out of that place. Yeah.
They already had like all the camera angles on that place you
were blocked. And the neighbors already knew
what to look for. So I ended up getting arrested
there for doing exactly what thelast guy was doing.
Yeah, I'm in, like, Baltimore County Detention Center in
Towson at like, 18. The bail was like, way higher
than, like, I thought it would be.
And what was it, $100,000 for some like some weed and some

(15:44):
acid and like some. Acid.
Yeah, acid was what did it. And when I was talking, it was
like a holiday weekend, so I couldn't get the bail review
until Monday. So I was in there for, like,
over the weekend, which was like, I was so scared.
And I'm talking to people about the case and they're like, oh,
dude. Like they're going to increase
the bail. Like we've never heard of
somebody. Like, I'm talking to other like,
criminals in there. They're like, yeah.

(16:06):
They're like, they're like, dude, no.
Like you're screwed. Like you need to get bailed out
now. So I'm like, call them like,
please bail me out. And my parents are like, we'll
just let you cook in there for aSEC.
Yeah. And then on Monday they were
like talking to the judge for the bail review and they were
like, we're going to take him totreatment.
And they dropped it basically down to unsecured so I could get
out that same day for like no money down.
And I went to Warwick Manor across the bridge and I'm like

(16:29):
18 in there at this point. I'd only really done like weed
and psychedelics. And I'm like in there with
people that are like, I lost everything, cocaine, took my
house and my boat and everything.
And I was like, oh, I'm never going to be that guy.
That forward. Like I'm like became that guy
but I just never had those things to lose in the 1st place
but. I remember you lost the boat you

(16:52):
never had. Yeah, OK.
That's the name of the episode. You lost the boat you never had.
But I remember talking to peopleand them and them being like,
oh, you're not an addict. So then instantly I was just
like, all right, I need to get out of here.
And I went to a kind of treatment center, halfway house
in Ellicott City called Howard House at the time.

(17:13):
Oh, shit. And I'm what?
Year Were you in Howard House? 2013.
Holy fuck. OK, you were around.
Mm, hmm, yeah. So man, people, yeah.
Wow. So were you going to meetings
around here in 2013? A little bit enough to like
satisfy the things for the houseand the 'cause that's.
When that's like when our friends had just graduated from

(17:35):
Howard House, so like you were, well, I think we were taking
meetings like into Howard House.At Jack and Brad, all them were
around Howard House all the time.
So was I. Yeah, me too.
I was at, I was up at the fucking Shepard Pratt every
fucking Saturday. Yeah, it was right next to that
old Shepard Pratt. We'd go into meetings in there

(17:56):
sometime, but I didn't really want it at all.
I didn't think I was an addict. I knew I had to be cleaned to
look good for the judge. I couldn't get in trouble again.
I knew I had court coming up. There was a guy in there, Eric,
that was like big bodybuilder guy.
You probably know him from around there.
Yes. Yeah, yeah.
He was like, I was like, please teach me how to work out because

(18:16):
I'm gonna go to jail talk. To.
Eric and he's like, I'm gonna goto jail.
I was like, I'm gonna go to jailand I need to be a little less
scrawny. So he taught me to work out and
I like started working in a hot dog stand down in old Ellicott
City that like it also was did like drive me to like set up the
hot dog stand at the dump like. Oh my God, you were the dump dog
guy. That was dump dog guy.

(18:37):
Oh. My God, that's awesome.
Have you guys ever had a dump dog?
No, you never. Well, no, it's a it's a Howard
County thing. But then when you go to the when
you go to the dump in Howard County, there's a little hot dog
standing outside, so. You go.
So we had home. We had Home Depot hot dog.
Yeah. Yeah, You know what I'm talking
about. Yeah.
It's OK. It's the same thing, yeah.
But he would like before he wentto set me up, he'd like dump

(18:58):
dog. He'd like hop into his house
over in Oela to like grab some stuff and he'd come out smelling
like weed. The gap that like owned the
business. Ohh, yeah.
And I just. But then I would like be at the
hot dog stand at the dump alone,like sometimes in the cold and
whatnot. Like it was very humbling dump.
And then he'd come to that and like bought a hot dog.
He'd count the hot dogs and likethe money and be like, you're

(19:20):
stealing. And I was straight up wasn't
stealing, but he would just accuse me of stealing hot dog
dump dog money. And I was like, bro, no.
But then like he also had an icecream shop and old elegant.
So that was my job while workingat Howard House and it was cool.
So I got the papers signed and Iwent to court and I remember I
got off. I didn't have to deserve any

(19:41):
time. I had to got like supervised
probation and that was going to get transferred.
No, I think I kept it in Howard County when I was going to go to
school at College Park. I remember I had this option
then like go to a sober living down in College Park or move
into the dorms and really crossroads, but I didn't
consider the sober living for a second.
No, Fuck no. I wanted the normal college

(20:04):
experience and within like a fewweeks of starting I had started
to like drink and smoke weed again.
And then like after getting I think I got through the 1st
semester without getting into like dealing and stuff again and
like and maybe like tried some like new drugs and started
partying again. But like I remember getting a
refund check for like some sort of like student loan type thing.

(20:26):
Like I they they gave me like extra money to live off of.
Yeah, it's fun, dude. It's awesome.
Like, it's not good. It's actually really bad the way
that they give, like they'll live like, 'cause my, my dad
used to rent everything to college kids, right?
And like, you just give them a $6000 check and like, that's
supposed to be for rent. It's supposed to be for living.

(20:47):
And they just blow it in like a fucking second, dude, because I
know like so many people didn't pay my dad because they would
just blow their fucking grant money.
It would be like, you know, it'slike, oh man, I just spent.
I don't know what happened to all this beer and all this.
You know, man, that. Fucking.
So I continue, I'm just, I was around all these people that

(21:07):
like had come from out of state,like I'm at university mainland.
There's a lot of people from Massachusetts, Connecticut would
like did. You guys have a Jersey
contingent? Yes.
Yeah, that's the one I'm forgetting.
So strong, a lot, a lot of theseand they they came from money.
They were living in like the nice store, the nice like
apartments, the luxury apartments.
And like, meanwhile, I'm like getting this refund check and

(21:29):
I'm like buying weed and stuff and I'm like, wait, I could this
will be better this time. I can sell drugs better and not
get in trouble. What?
It's terrible. Like, like and.
I get it but. I got all my roommates at the
time into it too, so it just became like a.
You got your mom? Yeah.
Yeah. And like it, it just escalated.

(21:50):
But we were also the party housetoo.
So it was like, like, and then Iwas starting to get into like
music scene and going to festivals and all that too.
And like there were parts of it that were like a decent time,
but then like it all came crashing down.
There's I stopped going to crap class as much I like couldn't
eat and sleep without like ingesting marijuana.
I was like in a haze the whole time.

(22:11):
And I was starting to get into like other drugs as well.
I was often blacking out drinking.
And then there was this guy thatI had move in that because we
needed a roommate and his dad was a police officer and we were
partying together at the time. I was on probation once in a car
with him and we got pulled over and I was like, this is the end.

(22:32):
Like like there's there's weed in the car.
Like weed was still really illegal.
I was like, I'm going to jail. But do you have a cop kid in the
car? Cop kid in the car and we just
got to walk like yeah, the driver got screwed and the they
were just like, Oh yeah, you 2 in the backseat like take a
walk. And I was like, Dang, I'm
invincible. So I was like if I live.
Is this down in PG county? Yeah.

(22:52):
Oh yeah. They don't give a.
Fuck no this, I mean his. It's in Howard County, where his
dad is a police officer. Surprised to let you go if he
was in Howard. Wait, where was the arrest or
the pullover? Howard County and his dad
surprised. His dad was in Howard County,
Yeah. OK, that's why they saw the name
and it was just like, yeah, yourkid.
Yeah, I don't know why I got looped into the get out of here

(23:13):
too. You weren't in the driver's
seat? Yeah.
You got lucky. Yeah, so I thought I was
invincible. I had him move in and then he
was just like, also, I got kicked out of his parents for
doing the same thing I was. He was, we were all really
sloppy with it, but he was the next level of sloppy.
And the police when we were having a party the day before
spring break came over looking for him.
They were dressed down like we were having a party and he was

(23:36):
also making plays. So he came to like the door with
like a bag of weed in his hand. And they just like entered the
house because that was probably because I guess they did a knock
and knock and talk and just like, ended up in our, like,
living room. And like, he instantly started
like cooperating. I wasn't really asked many
questions. And then nine months, they like,

(23:58):
took everything and left. I wasn't arrested that month.
And then nine months later on 9/11, I like, got all the
charges for everything in the apartment, which is like, yeah,
I put myself in that situation. I felt like such a victim at the
time. So basically any sort of like
money that was put aside for college, any of the next refund
checks all went to like this biglawyer bill and I ended up

(24:22):
getting another probation, whichis super lucky.
Like it was, this was actually worse than the first time and
it's now a pattern. But like, you think I would
learn my lesson and just stop doing the things that would get
me in trouble. But like, at this point I was
like, Oh, well, this is my career now.
I remember I had all these aspirations of like, being a
lawyer or a doctor or something.And I was like, I can't do this.

(24:42):
I'm like, now I might as well just like sell drugs forever,
but I might as well finish up this college thing too.
I was like, I don't want to stophalfway through.
It's very extreme, yeah. School.
Never. I was going to be a lawyer, but
you know what? Now I'm going to be a drug
dealer. Yeah.
And along the way I've started to like really hate myself a lot

(25:03):
more because of that. And that made me use harder.
And I did like a lot of regrettable things along the
way. There was a girl that I dated
during the time that I really dragged through the dirt in like
every way possible. And like I would wake up not
really remembering it and being told about the things I did.
And then like that guilt and that shame just made me like use
harder and harder. So eventually I somehow got

(25:23):
through the degree in like biochemistry and I like was
like, I want to work in the medical marijuana industry.
Like this is the only thing I'm passionate about.
Like let me. Wait, can I ask about you're a
biochemist, right? Yeah.
How much did? OK, So your extracurricular
activities, I don't know, influenced your decision to go
into biochem? I thought I wanted to be a

(25:44):
doctor but then after like starting.
After doing acid. Yeah.
I was like, maybe I'd like always entertain like some sort
of like production of some sort of illicit substance, but I'm
glad I don't entertain that anymore.
Did you make any? I have curiosity because we had
someone here and we called it college chemistry.
Like GHB or like LSA? Like, Oh no.

(26:05):
Yeah, his the yeah, the off the off campus drug.
Off campus drug factory where you make like GHB and LSA and
like maybe you're like taking some Hawaiian rosewood and
making an extract out of that orlike.
Maybe you'd stop just giving, you know, people.
Just. I'm asking him a question.
I read I read a lot about it like I said, like drugs were the

(26:26):
only thing that got me excited. So like I would spend a lot of
time on the Internet reading about like trip reports, like
extraction methods and whatnot, but I never like I actually like
pulled through with it. So you're.
An arrow wit kid. Yes, big time.
I remember reading all that and being so excited, like as a
young age those people. Only thing that got me excited
was reading stuff about drugs. It was the only passion for the

(26:48):
longest time. So I thought the only passion
for my career could be like in the cannabis industry.
I remember I went to an interview fresh out of college
and I was like, I crushed it. I was like, yeah, this is like
what I want to do. Like let me be like a extraction
technician. It was like making cannabis oil
from raw plant. And they were like, Oh, yeah,
like, you're in like, just go get this form notarized and

(27:09):
we're going to run your record. And we're going to store, we're
going to store your record in the cannabis employees database
in case you ever like, want another cannabis job.
We won't have to run your recordagain.
And I was like, oh, wait, my record is dirty as fucked as
fucked. So I talked to the lawyer and he
was like, yeah, don't do that ifyou ever want to work in
cannabis. Like, just wait.

(27:29):
Let's wait to get this expunged.And I thought that was my aunt.
I thought that was like the bestopportunity I'd ever get.
And I remember feeling so broken.
And I, like, stopped applying for jobs.
And I was like, I'm not going tobe able to get anything.
And I was just like, yeah, I'm going to travel around the
country and go to music festivals.
I'm going to, like, sell drugs on the campgrounds of music
festivals. And like, I did that.

(27:50):
And somehow I didn't get caught because I was like, really
sketchy behavior. And I didn't have another
chance. And I, like, came back and I
just kept doing that. And I, like stayed in, I stayed
working at like a restaurant in Columbia.
And I'd never done that before. It's always something I wanted
to do. Like in college, I always wanted
to be a waiter on the side. I had like, like pizza shop and
liquor store jobs. And I was like, if I could just

(28:11):
be a waiter. What, what what?
Where did you wait tables? Columbia PF Chang's.
Yeah, Oh my God. See.
Do you have such a Howard house like like spine connection?
Because that's where Jack worked.
But it was through different connections.
It was another friend and. Brad like dude, that's crazy.
And I don't think I worked with them at the same time.

(28:32):
This had to be like 2018. But I worked my ass off there
starting as a Buster. And they wouldn't make me a
server at first. And then I quit and I came back
and they were like, yeah, well, you'll be a server.
I heard they wrote them on my immense list because I was like,
I hurt the production and the efficiency of that whole
restaurant by working there. I got multiple people fired from
selling them, like drugs that they then used on the spot.

(28:54):
Like I remember selling somebodyacid that was a cook that never
did it before. And he ended up just like like
tripping ball he. Took it on the line.
Why would he do? That and they're like.
That's the thing, that's the thing.
I had a few similar stories where they don't ask they just
like they had a trip and then they were like I don't want to
work at PF Chang's anymore. They just had existential

(29:15):
crisis. They were like I'm done.
They quit the next day dude. You fucked the assembly lied.
Yes, Big. Time and like I just was doing
all sorts of degenerate behaviorbut around there then COVID
happened and I like things got really bad there wasn't much to
do I was still doing my own thing I was living in Colombia

(29:38):
selling a little party and a little and then I started just
like drinking really heavily like blacking out almost every
night and then what was your drink of choice anything well.
What was your first drink? Right?
Is that our usual question? What's our first?
What's your first drink? Every time I did liquor I
blacked out. But like I I don't think I liked

(30:00):
whiskey, but like I would go crazy with it.
I could chug it. So maybe that like.
There's a love hate sort of relationship.
Jameson. Jameson, maybe.
I don't know. OK.
I blacked out on anything. Like I drank it to the excess.
It's hard for me to pick favorites there.
White Claw. White Claw.
Oh, God, Yeah. And stuff like that.

(30:21):
That's a solid. Choice.
But no, it isn't. I, I remember I ended up like,
Long story short, being in a room where there was like some
of the drugs I said I would never do.
Like there was crack and heroin.And like the first time I was in

(30:41):
the room, I like I tried it. And I was blacked out on Xanax
at the time too. So I'm lucky I even survived
that trifecta of things having never done two of them before.
And then I woke up the next day and that like, kind of like I'll
never do it. Like barrier was gone and I was
like, I'm going to try this again.
Yeah, doing all three of those at the same time is fucking

(31:02):
nuts. Yeah, and over time I like, just
like from first trying that I just like went like down the
rabbit hole of like over 2 years.
I went from like do it every once in a while.
Like oh, I'm this is like kind of like casual to like I'm
spending every dollar I have on it.
I'm going out 20 times in one night to go get more and like

(31:24):
I'm not sleeping, I'm not eating, I'm barely going to work
and like I'm losing like all my.She got real into the crack.
Yes, big time and. Like that's what it sounded like
right there. And I just, like, at first I was
like getting big ripped off. There was like these people that
would like, delivered to me for,like, way more than it was
worth. And then eventually someone was
like, Oh yeah, you can just go to these places and get it off

(31:46):
the street corner and, and they're open 24/7 and you don't
have to wait. And one of them, I was like
living off of Wilkins Ave. at the time.
So it was like one of the placeswas not very far from me and I
could just go 410 times in a night.
And like, that's when things like the accessibility really
like got me. And yeah, it got really bad to

(32:07):
the point that I was like, hearing voices in my head.
I was constantly paranoid. Oh, yeah.
I was like, being delinquent on like, bills, like car insurance.
I remember like I. Would have hated you on cocaine.
And that you you. Would have hated me too.
Wow, that was awful. I wouldn't talk.
It was fun. You wouldn't.
You were so gaffed out of your mind.

(32:28):
Yeah. And like I I mean, crack is such
a wild drug. I was crack different than coke.
I never did crack I so I don't know it.
Makes you feel like your heart is going to explode but like
you're. You're it's very similar.
No, it's not similar. It's really not.
You get higher, right, would yousay?

(32:50):
Yeah, you never stored a period of time.
But it feels dirtier. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know that I felt like just guilt because I felt like I
was the only person I know doing.
It you didn't smoke crack in here.
You're the only person, yeah. It wasn't social be around
people, but it's like. Crack is the least social drug
possible because, like, everyonejust wants to smoke their own

(33:12):
crack. Yeah.
And then they're like, don't smoke my crack.
And it's like, no, that's my rest.
That's my rest fucker. Exactly.
It's a very same. Thing but I got sponsor sent too
because I didn't know what I wasdoing of course.
I like but you got to learn how to re cook.
Yeah, I got. Shut up, Eric.
I met people that showed me where to go.
I met people that showed me how to do it.

(33:32):
And I like got way into it. And it was like, I felt like I
was the oddball out. Like I felt people I'd be like
in Aries and they'll be like, why are you here?
Like people that don't mean to me, they're like you look like
this isn't for you. And I like got delinquent on
like my insurance bill, like I was saying, and I ended up like
being blacked out on White Claw and like driving around driving,

(33:55):
I mean. The White Claw and smoking crack
is one of the most is one of themost goofy juxtapositions I've
ever fucking heard in my life. It gets worse.
I'm driving around looking for some in like some area of
Baltimore and I think I'm not wearing my glasses when I need
glasses. I don't have insurance.
I just T boned a car and I'm like fuck, like this is it.

(34:17):
I might as well dip and I dip out and I pick a pool few turns
and like park up somewhere and like I can't find my phone in
the car when I park out. So I'm like alright.
I just got to like finesse my way back to Charles Village from
like wherever I was almost downtown kind of it was a long
walk and I somehow like figured out the turns and where I was.
I got back home and then later went back for the car and the

(34:40):
phone and whatnot, but the the license plate had like fallen
off at the scene of the crime. So they went to the address on,
they went to the address on my license.
And it was like an old friend where I used to live at.
And they woke him up at like 6:00 in the morning.
And he had like he had trauma from his own arrest and whatnot.
So having the police there at 6:00 in the morning, like asking
him questions about me, like he hated it.

(35:03):
And like, yeah, I told him that car like, but somehow, like I
never, it was never proved that I was the guy that executed that
hit and run. They knew it was my car that did
it. Yeah.
And like, I don't, I wrote that into kind of like an Amend 2 or
a Step 8 about like, yeah, like I don't.
I was just like that guy, whoever I hit their car amongst

(35:24):
other just, like degenerate behavior in Baltimore City.
And I don't quite know how I'm gonna get to that one, but I
guess I'll talk to my sponsor about it.
Yeah. But anyway, like, things had
gotten really bad at that point,but there was always somebody to
bail me out. There was a friend to give me
like a like a clunker like beater like Highlander that I
drove for a few months after that and I was getting car.
So where was the bottom? I had moved to a place called

(35:48):
Highland Town in Baltimore after, like, couch surfing
around. There was a period where I was
like in a nice place in Fells Point and like with some like,
girl that like owned the house that I didn't really know.
And I like, thought I was hearing her, like, talk about me
because I was psychosis. And I just like, told her
everything and said I was like, kid, please, like throw away
everything. Like I gave her everything.

(36:09):
I like gave her like, my paraphernalia and everything.
Yeah. And she was like, what the fuck?
And then the next day I just woke up and I was like, why did
I do that? And went on my way.
And then she like, wasn't there for a few days.
And then like, came with like, she's like, do a little
intervention. So like, found my parents and
all that. And she was like, oh, yeah.
And like, you can't live here. Like, yeah, thanks for letting
me know. But like, you got to go.
And then I couch surfed for a bit and I ended up like living

(36:31):
in Pasadena and like getting clean for like a few weeks at a
time. And I remember like, like living
in a friend's basement. He wasn't charging me rent.
And I like put together through multiple streams of income.
I was working my main job in a lab.
I was working PF Chang's on the side.
I was selling and I was doing someone's college for money, for
incomes. Yes, I love that last.

(36:52):
One still never, still never enough.
But if I'm not using for a few weeks, I put together a few
grand and I moved into a place in Highland Town because I was
like, I'm going to defeat Baltimore City this time.
I can handle the temptation. And like over two or three weeks
I had burned whatever checks I'dgotten in all that time and all
that savings that I'd put together and like.
On crack. Yes, all $10 at a time.

(37:15):
Every time was my last time. I was like.
Why were you doing like I? I don't understand the thought
process of this. You're going 4 to 8 times in an
evening, why not just go once? Every time was my last time.
It doesn't. I can't make sense of it.
And when? Every time was my last time.
That's the real for yeah title. I was think I'm gonna, I'm gonna
go, I'm gonna go to sleep after.I'm gonna chill out after this
last time. I'm gonna smoke this rock and go

(37:36):
to. Sleep then, then they would run
out and I'd be like panic and I'd be like, oh, well, what,
what is one more? What is one more?
And then or like if I hadn't used in that day, I was like,
oh, I'm only gonna go use once and then it's only gonna be nice
the first time and then I'll go to sleep after.
I'll just not go get more. And that never happened.
When in the history of drugs, inparticular cocaine, has there

(37:57):
ever been? Just particular crack.
Yeah, crack cocaine. Yeah, so May.
So May 6th, 22. OK, yeah, let me move this
forward. I've I've like brought my sister
already knew because I told her about the insurance thing and
she paid for my insurance once. So I told my sister about
everything that was going on andshe told my parents.
They threw an intervention, which it didn't really matter.
I wasn't really ready to stop, but I said I would maybe go to

(38:19):
treatment and I didn't. They were like, all right, call
these places. I didn't call.
My sister came with the number already dialed, and I just
talked to the person. They were asking a lot of info.
And I was like, yeah, are you trying to steal my identity?
Because you can have it. It was like the director of the
rehab, and he was like, oh, you're a funny guy.
So I scheduled to get picked up and I felt a sense of relief.

(38:41):
I was like, all right, I'm at least going to get good for a
little while. Like I didn't think I was going
to like stop all the stuff, but I was going to stop doing the
stuff that was destroying me. And I like overdrafted my bank
account. It was raining a little bit.
Like it's funny, anytime I go speak somewhere, it's raining
that day. And it reminds me of the last
day where it's like I overdrafted my bank account by

(39:01):
doing some weird stuff involvingcryptocurrency, where I stole
from Future Andy and then sold it into a different account so
that I could just go and buy like, excuse me.
I don't even know, Yeah. Stole from future Andy.
Yeah, I like, but whoa. What is that's?
One of these chords. One of the chords, yeah.
Keep going. I don't need to get into the
details too much, but yeah, I overdrafted my bank account and

(39:26):
did some crazy stuff so I could keep going out.
I was like, I need to get it in while I can.
And it was raining, and I still didn't know that I was gonna
keep going out. So I kept doing it one time
after another time, one more at a time.
Every time was my last time. Yeah.
I'm going out in the rain, the pouring rain.
Like, no jacket, no umbrella, maybe like, no shoes.
Like, I was, like, looking crazyout in the rain.

(39:47):
There was still people selling. Yeah.
And I remember, like, telling one of the guys that I was about
to go to treatment, like one of the dealers.
And he was like, yeah, like, there's some people that, like,
can do this every once in a while and, like, still live a
functional life. That's not you, bro.
He was like, if I was you, I would.
Stop doing this, whatever it takes.
And he was just like, yeah, likeyou need to just stop.

(40:10):
Like he straight up told me it wasn't for me.
And that's like from a dealer that I'm putting money in his
pocket and he's like, yeah, you're not normal.
Yeah. So I good shit.
Sorry everybody for listening tothat, there was a bit fuzz.
I remember my parents picking meup, my mom and sister picking me
up and it was like I was coming back from like a walk to grab
more at the time cuz my tires were slashed from me.

(40:34):
Like shopping around with different dealers.
Like dealers got jealous and slashed my tires.
I don't know. I wasn't, I wasn't loyal and so
like cool. Yeah.
So I like couldn't drive anymore.
So I was like walking around andso yeah, I'm coming back from
getting whatever and then end upgetting in the car with my with

(40:56):
my mom and my sister and it's raining and I'm $10.00 left.
And I'm like really trying to convince my mom to stop at the
corner for me to get one more. And she's like crying.
It's kind of been pretty traumatic for her.
And some I was like, all right. She took you to buy drugs.
No, she was like, no, OK. OK.

(41:16):
Yeah. And then I had my hand on the
the door to the car being like, all right, I'm just going to
jump out like, because I got to go get one more.
And that's something in my mind was like, First off, it's not
even going to work. You've been doing this like all
day every day for months at thispoint.
Something just told me to stay in that car.
So I did and I like passed out on the way to rehab because I
probably hadn't slept in a while.

(41:39):
And I just woke up this place called the Valley in, in
Rockville. And I like, remember like not
being very happy in there at thebeginning.
I'd like slept a lot. I was like low on food.
I was low on sleep. So I caught up on that a bit.
But then after a while I'd like wake up and like the people that

(42:01):
were working there, we're all like happy and whatnot.
I'd ask this one guy that workedthere, Roy, like how he was
feeling. And every day he'd say another
day in paradise and I didn't have to die to get here.
And there was this other lady that at work there, I forget her
name, but she was like, I'm blessed and highly favored or
something like that. And they said the same thing,
same thing every day. And I was like, yeah, y'all are

(42:24):
so cheesy. Shut up.
But then like now it's somethingthat I would say and it's
something that I would feel, butlike I was in the treatment
center, like kind of not hearinga lot of it.
But as the haze started to clear, I was at first when I
went in there, I was thinking, oh, I'm just going to go back
out and I'm not going to like use the harder drugs, but I'm
still going to smoke a little weed.

(42:45):
I might. I probably can't drink because
anytime I drink I end up wantingto do drugs.
But I can still smoke weed. I can still sell weed and
whatnot. As if that ever got me anywhere
but some. One day I woke up and it was
like the first type of like epiphany, spiritual awakening
type deal is I was like, hey, the path that I'm currently on,
like I'm losing my mind, body and soul, Like I'm on a death

(43:07):
mission here. And if I keep doing what I'm
trying to do, keep I keep doing what I'm doing, I'm going to
like end up dead here. Like there's a very serious
possibility that I'll die. But even if I don't, I'm going
to suffer. Like this is not what I signed
up for. This is not fun and I don't
really know how to live. So maybe these suggestions that
they're giving me or these people that work here know a
little bit more about life than than I do.

(43:30):
So maybe I should listen a bit because I remember looking at
the steps on the wall and being like, oh, that mentions God a
bunch of times. So that's not going to work for
me. It's like I've known about NA
through my brother for a long time.
And I thought it was kind of culty.
I thought it was kind of cheesy and whatnot.
I thought I could do this alone without it.
Even though like historically speaking, like any sort of like

(43:50):
trying to manage my drugs never worked because I would like
overdo it for a period of time and then kind of like scale it
back a bit and be like, or try to and be like, oh, I'm not
going to use this or this or I'monly going to use on these days.
They're like, and any rules I set for myself, I always broke
them. And that would lead to more
guilt and more shame, which mademe use harder.
So I started to like have a little clarity and look at like,

(44:12):
kind of like the past and like be like, oh, wait, there's some
patterns here. I'm not going to be able to do
this alone. And I just remember calling my
dad in there and he had like cleaned up my car in my
apartment that I'd lived in in Baltimore.
And like, I remember I was really upset that he threw out
like some weed and some mushrooms.
Meanwhile, like my dad is like astraight edge guy.

(44:34):
Like he didn't want to handle these things.
Like he wasn't excited to do this.
Like I remember like having likebeing like no, like that was, I
was going to sell that when I got out.
Like, and I like I got really upset about it and I'm so glad
he threw that out. And I remember starting to feel
a little better, starting to like talk to people in there.
I was really excited to go back to work and whatnot because I

(44:55):
thought they like they needed meor missed me or something.
They just wanted me to get right.
They were kind of just I was a guy who's.
Destroying PF Chang's. Well, this was also like my my
job that I had at the time at like a call concealant company.
OK. And I was like not really
showing up to work and whatnot. And like somehow I didn't get
fired. Somehow I still was on payroll
and still have the insurance. I was actually on family medical

(45:18):
leave of absence and short term disability.
When I was in treatment. They were paying me to be in
treatment. I was like, must be nice.
It was nice and then. EPA programs, right?
Employee or what are they called?
Employee Assistant programs, EAP.
Yeah, yeah. It was cool and but I really
wanted to get back there. I really wanted to like, I don't

(45:39):
know, I wanted to leave the rehab, but I was also a little
bit scared because like it was dangerous out there.
But they gave me some suggestions to move into a
halfway house or some sort of recovery house.
And I was really, I was like, I really don't want to share a
room. That was the deal breaker.
So like, yeah, I got kicked out when I was 18 and I was like
lived in a bunch of places sincethen.
I usually don't live somewhere for more than a year, but like,

(45:59):
there's only been a few times I shared a room and it sucked.
So I really didn't want to sharea room.
And a lot of the places they were looking at were like pay
eight, $900 and share a room. And that was like a deal breaker
for me. And then it was crazy how the
timing worked out. Like there was one bed in the
rehab, like when I signed up to go there.

(46:20):
So I got into the rehab and thenwhile I was there, there's this
place where like Jack, my brother, a few other people I
know all stayed at this place called Donnelly House for a
period of time. And like there was one bed there
too. So everything was just kind of
like lining up for me. And I got into a bedroom there
and like, it was the smallest bedroom in the house.

(46:40):
You have to work your way up. But it was my own room.
It's exactly what I needed. It's exactly what I wanted, even
though it was small. And I remember going out to
lunch with my dad after moving in there, and I was really upset
about how small the room was. And my dad just saying like
recovery stuff to me, like, which I just heard all during
rehab. He's just like just one day at a
time. I really hate it when people

(47:01):
outside are fucking. No, they're just wounded.
I'm like, fuck, what do you know, shut up.
And I snapped on my dad about itbecause yeah, I was tired of
hearing it. And then like he wasn't even in
the thing or whatever. I was just mad in general at the
time. And I like I stayed and the
first thing I did is I went to ameeting was what they told me to
do. I went to a meeting and at first

(47:22):
it was an A a meeting, but I don't think I really shared
that. I introduced myself, but once I
like had access to my car again after a few days, I went to a
meeting at the Serenity Center on Sunday called Starting Over
and it was a really small meeting.
It's now gotten huge since then.But I was I was saying I raised
my hand at that and was like, myname is Andy.

(47:43):
I'm an addict. I'm going back to work in
Baltimore City because that's where I used to.
I used to use around there. I'm scared.
Like I know all the closest likeareas to get drugs and where I
work I don't want to use anymore.
I'm scared. And everyone gave me their
number in a little book and I was like, I have a cell phone.
We don't have to do that like manually.
Yes. But like I felt loved and I

(48:06):
ended up making that my Home group and I did exactly what
they told me to do is like ask for a little help.
And I like, I kept going to thatgroup and I kept, I went to work
and I didn't, I didn't use and Idon't think I called any of
them. But I started to develop
relationships with some of thesepeople that I saw weekly.
And I started going to other meetings too.
And I like, I'm a pretty social guy, but I felt so weird at

(48:30):
first. I felt like so awkward, even
though it's like we all have something in common.
Like I didn't know anybody. I didn't know what to talk
about. I didn't know how to
communicate. Yeah.
But I'd go to the same meeting and like have like a couple word
conversation with somebody outside the meeting every week.
And then that just turned into like, I'd see that that person

(48:51):
somewhere else. And I asked for numbers, didn't
call anybody, but my phone started getting everybody's
number. And like I started to like just
like meet more and more people and become a little more and
more comfortable. So I remember telling y'all that
I got clean for a bit, like, outof necessity for the judge in
2013 to look good for court. I met some people around then

(49:12):
that were still clean when I gotclean in 2022.
And like, as if my brother wasn't enough proof that this
worked, that was the actual proof that made me, like, really
believe in this thing. Who name drop Jack Martin.
Yeah. There's this guy, Matt M.
Matt M. Maddie.
No, Matt. You know Matt.
Matt. Nick P.

(49:34):
Who's your brother? Jonathan W.
He mostly goes to Laura. Yeah, I know your brother.
Yeah. Oh my God.
OK, I don't go. I just talked to him before when
I was driving over here. It's his birthday and he had
surgery today and shit. Yeah, I know your brother.
That's fucking wild. Yeah.
OK, I was saying I was going over here.

(49:55):
I never knew it, OK. People say we talk similar.
I don't hear it, but I also don't really hear my own voice
except for right now. But I saw these people that were
still clean. Their life had progressed
because I'd met them. They were living at like down
there like Howard house type deal.
And now they have like houses, cars.
So I'm like a even to this day and I'm working on it.

(50:17):
I'm a very materialistic guy. Like I'm very money oriented.
So seeing that kind of like materialistic proof is what at
first attracted me. But then I noticed things about
them too, that they just seemed like more at peace.
They seemed like more happy overall and like they were
really like healthy. They had this like, aura to them
that was like attractive. And I remember I got, I went to

(50:39):
a meeting at Serenity Center andMartin was sharing it and I
hadn't seen him for that. I think I'd met him in 2013 and
we'd like gone to an Ocean City convention together.
And like, he remembers sometimesof me being goofy, like on the
boardwalk, like doing bird calls.
I said I was trying to attract amate or something.
It is the male bird that. We talked.

(51:01):
About we talked about this the other day, it is the male birds.
Anyway. He remembered that and he'd
probably hit me up on Facebook once or twice like over the next
10 years. And I don't think we had really.
I was using like, yeah, yeah. At first it was like all fun and
games using kinda ish, not really.
But then it got really into like, problematic and like, just
like self defeating using. Yeah.

(51:23):
But I already talked about it. But I saw him.
He was speaking in the meeting. And like halfway through the
meeting, he was like, oh, wait, Andy's here.
No one really knew me at that time.
I was like coming around for like a week or two.
And he just, like, stopped the meeting and was like, Andy's
here. And like, that was kind of
embarrassing, but kind of cool. Yeah.
I talked to him after and he waslike, yeah, like, we're having
this 4th of July party come through.

(51:45):
So I remember I got out of treatment in June.
I somehow got invited to this 4th of July party at where I
live now in Tradition House. And I remember I was really
feeling awkward there, too. I didn't have a sponsor.
And I was, like, talking to somepeople about that there.
And I was like, I think I'm going to ask Martin to be my
sponsor. And it's like his wife was
there, too. And she was like, I think that's

(52:05):
a good idea. I didn't know it was his wife.
He was like, she was also like, I'll be your sponsor, like,
until you find one. Yeah.
I was like, I don't think that'sgoing to work.
I'm going to do this the right way.
It was a nice gesture, though. And anyway, it was a really good
time towards the end, even though it was awkward at 1st and
I made some conversations that were really slight.

(52:27):
There was this sparkler thing. You light a sparkler if anyone's
died that you know. And like there was a few people
that have been to my high schooland college that we like spent
time together that are now gone.And since then, there's been
even more I've been. To I have to.
Well, you're here. I have to.
Remove myself from and that cuz I just cry.
Yeah, I just fucking cry. Dude.
Don't say anything. Eric, shut up.

(52:48):
And yeah, it's. Just another day for day.
That's a viable cry, God damn it.
God damn both of you. I remember lighting a sparkler
for this guy Steve, that I partied with in college, and he
was a nice guy. And then I just remember
feeling, like, really emotional about that.
And then there was this crazy fireworks show, like, hours
long. It's dope.
Yeah. Like, and I'm closest to

(53:10):
fireworks I've ever been. Like, one actually went off too
low in the sky and it, like, a spark flew by my head.
And I was like, Dang. Like I went from the sparkler,
like, feeling all emotional to, like, almost dying.
I was like, no, there's nothing like almost dying to make you
feel alive. I remember like I talked to
Martin after that, I had a really good time and I was like,
hey, will you be my sponsor or leave me to someone that will?

(53:33):
And he gave me a good suggestion.
He was like, I don't think I have the time for it, but I've
got the perfect match for you. And it was this guy Joey, that
I'd like didn't have his number,didn't know who he really was.
Martin showed me a picture and I'd seen him around and I was
just like, all right, what do I have to lose here?
Like I know I have to do this. It was on my mental to do with
something. I got to do the things that
they're telling me to do. I have the Home group, like I'm

(53:54):
going to meetings. I'm like doing the 1990, like
I'm trying to be of service, allthat I need the sponsor in the
steps. So I, I talked to this guy for a
bit on the phone and I was so awkward to call someone that I
hadn't met before. And after a while I was like,
yeah, will you be my sponsor? And he was like, yeah, I'd be
glad to. And I remember just starting to
get to work with him and I just continued to go to meetings

(54:15):
every day. Like I lived in Columbia at the
time before I moved up to Catonsville.
So I was going to meetings in Laurel, I was going to meetings
in Columbia and Catonsville. And I do that to this day.
Like I go really far and wide with my recovery, even though
that's not that's a few towns over, but like.
No, De Laurel is like a fucking.It's like 500 miles away in my
brain. It's my my home group's in

(54:36):
Laurel. Yeah, but you also live in a
lighthouse. I'm just saying.
I and the meeting that I ended up joining two other home groups
like I had the one on Sunday andI joined one on Tuesday because
it needed support too. The one in the world.
I just did that one. Recently, yeah, yeah, yeah, I
like it. It's good energy.
And like there was like 2 Home group members, so I was like,

(54:57):
I'm going to hop in here and andthen the midnight meeting needed
support too. So I was doing that at first.
I was doing that for a while as well.
Midnight alumni. OK.
And I remember having a few week, a few months clean, and I
had Joey as a sponsor at the time, too.
And there was the Baltimore convention, which I wasn't going
to. I started working at PF Chang's

(55:19):
on the weekend again. Fucking right.
Cuz I like want a little extra money.
I remember when I moved in to Donnelly House, they were like,
don't do it. Like it's a restaurant, it's not
gonna work. And then I was like, yeah, I
need a little extra money. Like I'm gonna do this, but
like, we'll keep an eye on it. I told the owners in the house
and they're like, yeah, go for it.
We just didn't want you to rush into it.
Did you become a waiter? Yeah, fucking.
Right. I've been a waiter for years at

(55:40):
that point. But yes, dreams, dreams do come.
True, yeah. I'm gonna be away.
I'm just saying if you remember earlier back, you know.
So anyway, so. Let's get to today.
I ended up like getting up service to the point that I
wasn't a Home group member there, but he told me that he
was going to be at the convention and he needed
somebody to go set it up. And I, I said yes and I like

(56:05):
trusted myself. They gave me the door code to
the trending center and I like Igot there.
I set up the meeting and like noone really came.
It was actually two people came and we just like talked and it
was awesome. It was great meeting, but I
remember like, feeling good, like I said, I was going to be
there and I ended up being thereand I got there like after
working all day and like I didn't make any excuses.
And like, I joined that Home group too.
And I like started to get involved in service in different

(56:26):
ways. I picked people up.
There were people that I'd pick up all the time and we'd just go
to meetings together. And a lot of them have gone back
out. But I'm glad I could like help
show them some people and show them the solution.
And like, friends started comingto me that like, we're trying to
get clean and like that I let them the resources and whatnot.
And yeah, like that a lot of them went back out too.
But it's OK. Like I just kept doing my thing

(56:48):
and I started feeling better about myself.
I started getting more invested into different hobbies because I
didn't know what I liked. Only thing that used to get me
excited was drugs. So I got really into cooking
because it saved me money too. And I liked money.
So I got really into like meal prepping and whatnot.
I got really into like I bought a harp.
Fucking awesome. Yeah, yeah.
The song I was playing on the piano over there, something I'm

(57:10):
learning on the harp. So I was translating harp to
piano, which was confusing me for a second, but it's really
not that hard. But I remember buying the harp
because I met someone at a 9:00 AM meeting that was talking
about music. He was drumming on his
dashboard. He was like, do you want to play
music? I was like, do you play music?
And I was like, yeah, I want to buy a harp.
And he was like, his eyes widened.
There was an older gentleman named Lee and he was like, I

(57:30):
know of a harp. And he was like, you go to
Atomic, Atomic Music in Beltsville and you tell them you
know Lee. You tell them you know Lee.
It's gonna be, it's usually 400,but since you know me, they'll
do 350. I go there and I'm like, see the
harp. I'm like, I'm buying it.
I got a pocket full of Chang's money, like all cash.
I'm like gonna buy this harp with my tit money.

(57:52):
It's like beautiful. And then I'm like, the price tag
just says 350. Like it's just the price that he
said, the discounted price. But anyway, I'm like, I'm like,
let me try this. Maybe we'll do it for three.
And then I was like, yeah, like,I know Lee.
And they were like, we don't know who the fuck that is, but
like, it's already 350. Like, like it was never 400.

(58:12):
But then I bought it and it was awesome.
I've been playing that a little bit since recently.
I've like been getting into likemaking like resin art and
whatnot. I'm trying to like make like
coasters for friends and family.Like I want to make orbs like
cool orbs. Like here's an orb bro.
Like I got really into like enjoying music again, like as
like a concert goer without being clean.

(58:34):
And that's been kind of like a weird one.
It's like there's it's a high risk environment.
A lot of people would say like don't do that, but I got into
that early and I you. Got to break that seal
eventually. Yeah.
And now if I'm having a good dayat first, like I'm having a good
day and I went to like a good amount of meetings, if I'm like
connected in my recovery, it doesn't bother me as much.
Sometimes I get into like peoplewatching and like judging, like

(58:55):
people that I used to party withand whatnot.
But when I actually can enter the moment of like focus and
like kind of like a sense state of dancing, like it's it's all
worth it. And that doesn't always happen.
Sometimes I go and I'm like, that wasn't as fun as I thought
it should be, but sometimes it'smore fun than I expected and
it's always worth it then. So I just like got into the
hobbies that like filled me up and like along the way, like I

(59:15):
like added other things to my plate too.
Like I like was doing that kids homework for money and someone
at my old job was like why don'tyou just do your homework for
school? Well, like can you still do the
homework on the side for money? My flight really filled up to
the point that I I stopped talking to that guy and it might

(59:36):
some people were trying to tell me that was unspiritual, but
other people were like yo make. It's already unspiritual.
You're doing his homework and he's lying about it.
So you're you're fucked. But I, I applied for this
program at Johns Hopkins for a master's degree.
And I remember I was really scared that I was going to get
rejected because my grades at the end of college weren't very
good. And yeah, I applied and I

(59:57):
remember like I was coming somewhere and I was, I was
picking up a Christmas or dropping off a Christmas tree to
Jack because I know a Christmas tree grower that had an extra
Christmas tree that I was dropping off to Jack because he
wanted it. No one else I knew wanted this
free Christmas tree. And I remember I was telling him
I was like, yeah, I just appliedfor the school.
Like I'm, I don't think I'm going to get it.
And he's like, you're going to get it.

(01:00:18):
And I remember getting that and like.
The most dopamine rush like I'vehad in a while from just getting
that acceptance letter. It's not even a particularly
hard 1 to get into, but it was nice name nice program and I I
thought like I'd like burned allmy bridges for academia and it
wasn't that case. They were like, yes, you can
come pay us large amounts of money to get a piece of paper.

(01:00:39):
But I started doing that. I like, I like was working
regular job in Chang's and I started, I got my record
expunged. I so I started applying for
other jobs too. And that was a really
demoralizing process. But I talked to people in
recovery about it and they my sponsor was like, yeah, just
keep knocking on the door. Someone will answer.
You have a great way to. Put it the most demoralizing

(01:01:03):
process. Because like I, I didn't really
have like like nice science engineering type experience.
I was a technician at the time, so I felt like I couldn't, I
couldn't break that barrier. I was like, why did I felt I was
reading my 4th step at the time,which was I was so mad at
everybody, especially myself. So I was like, this record threw
me back. I didn't get internships in

(01:01:24):
college. This is my first time caring
about myself. And I just kept writing about
it. And I went over the 4th step.
I kept applying. I was really mad.
I thought I wanted to use. Yeah, I wanted to use.
I wanted to yell at my boss thatwouldn't give me a promotion.
I wanted to just give up. And I, so it was one of the
first times of recovery that I've really wanted to use.
Like I had some cravings early on, but like for most of the

(01:01:46):
time I haven't had to deal with that, but I really wanted to use
that. And I like told him myself and I
like talked about in the meetings and I got through that
and I finished up my 4th step and I talked about some things
that I thought I would never talk to and like I didn't get
called a monster or anything. And like pretty much right after
that, that fourth step, I had three job offers on the table

(01:02:10):
that were all like significantlymore than the one I had.
So I went from like being reallycontent and happy to have a job
to getting my record expunge andbeing like, I deserve more.
And like good going on a whole spiral about like how it's not
fair and whatnot. And like do that spiral.
Like I wrote up on my 4th step and whatnot and like I just
talked about it and like, I don't know, I've steadied trying

(01:02:31):
to put in work when I'm feeling good and when I'm feeling bad
too. There's never gonna be like a
perfect time to like do step work or anything.
But we're gonna wait for a star aligning moment.
I'm gonna miss it. Yeah.
So you have to make your own star lining moment.
So the moment for improvement islike always.
So like through good and throughbad.
I like tried to be consistent with it and I've like
experienced. Damn, the moment for improvement

(01:02:52):
as always, yeah? Here he has his title all.
Right. All right.
Well, we got some questions for you.
Wait, let me, let me tie it all together.
Do all the things that I do, allthe things that like I piled on
my plate. I mentioned a few of them.
So I went back to school. I started a relationship in
recovery. What I never did was like put

(01:03:13):
anything behind my recovery. So they tell you to not do a lot
of these things that I ended up doing.
They tell you probably shouldn'tgo to concerts, probably
shouldn't get in a relationship,probably like shouldn't go back
to school too early. I did all those things and I've
seen people go out over all those things.
But like what I didn't do is like put anything above my
recovery. Like you can have it.
I could have it all. I just had to have the right

(01:03:34):
priorities. And like I say yes to
commitments and whatnot. I like I'm of service in any way
possible and I try to be consistent with my step work and
my meeting attendance and my networking and whatnot.
Is there room for improvement always.
But like I am able to juggle more than I ever have because
like I'm in recovery. So if I try to put anything

(01:03:56):
above my recovery, like I'm not going to be able to juggle all
the things I do. And when I am more, when I am
more involved in my recovery, I'm able to balance everything
better. Yeah, I still could benefit from
like having more time managementand whatnot.
But when I have my priorities right and recoveries at the top,
like everything else seems more manageable because I'm not
worried about things that are outside of my control.

(01:04:17):
I'm not like stewing and some stuff that's just like not going
to be productive. I'm able to work towards the
solution. So, yeah, like I put a lot on my
plate and sometimes it's been stressful, but like what I did
right was not use and what I continued to do right is like
just like put my recovery first.So I I try to spread that
message to other people too. It's like, yeah, there's some

(01:04:39):
things that are like not suggested of you, but like as
long as you keep your prioritiesstraight, like there's hope.
There's hope on this side of thestreet.
But if I try to, like, I don't know, think I can figure this
out myself, I'm not going to. I'm going to get what I always
historically have gotten, which is like, I'm not going to be
able to follow my rules anymore.And I'm just going to end up,

(01:05:00):
like, getting to that day in therain, going out and like, trying
to convince my mom to stop at the corner.
And I get that end of the day. I really wanted to die at that
point. Yeah.
And now I'm so glad I'm alive. I talked to people that are
like, clean, getting clean now. And it's like awesome giving
people rides still. It's awesome to like, talk about
this and remember where I came from because like over two

(01:05:21):
years, like if you told me multiple years ago I'd be where
I'm at now, I wouldn't believe it.
Yeah, in so many different ways.There's a lot of things that
like. Let's get to questions.
Yeah, I'm shutting you down. You're tired.
That's a good end. OK, what do you got, Carly?
So you were introduced to recovery a long, long time ago.

(01:05:42):
So your brother's active in recovery.
Was there any influence that he had while you were in active
addiction that made you think like, maybe I should give it a
try, or like, was he around at all?
He was pretty good at not like trying to push things on me, he
like gave me my own kind of process and whatnot because I
wasn't receptive to it either. Any time he tried to call me

(01:06:03):
out, I got really defensive or kind of like toxic and nasty
towards them. And like, that's something that
I've like, wrote down on 8th step.
I remember being really, really stoned at Thanksgiving and like,
he called me out about it and I was like, said something along
the lines of sorry, you can't handle this or like, you
couldn't handle this, but I can't.

(01:06:23):
And it's like, yeah, that's ridiculous.
But towards the end, like when Itold him, like how like when my
family really knew, like how badthings got at the end, he I went
to a few meetings with him, 'cause I like, I didn't want to
use anymore, but I didn't reallyknow what to do.
I went to a few meetings and I don't think I heard too much
'cause my mind was really cloudy.
But like he like put the offer out there and like we went to a

(01:06:46):
meeting or two. But a lot, it's a lot of the
people that I met, like from knowing him and seeing them
still, that was the best influence 'cause like, yeah, I
feel at home because I feel likeI've met.
I've met a lot of these people when I was younger and now
they're still here. Oh yeah?
What do you got, Eric? All right, let's see.

(01:07:13):
Jesus. I have a few.
I have a few. I mean, let's talk about the
terrifyingly awful experience that you had of waking up in the
hospital. Really had to.
That's. Yeah.
Did I take your question? No.
No, you weren't going to talk about.
That I was not going to ask about a.
Dig tube dig tube tube no well Ihave had that same experience.

(01:07:35):
I remember going and talking to my doctor before surgery and
they were like I have no dig tube you're going to.
Hey, I've heard it hurts like hell on women too.
But the doctor was like, Oh yeah, you're just going to, you
know, you'll have the catheter and everything will be OK.
And it was like, you know, and Iwas like, oh, it's fine, blah,
blah, blah, blah. And then I wake up and I'm just
what the fuck? Yeah.

(01:07:56):
How, how was your reaction? And then also how terrible was
the recovery process over the next few days?
Why did you need one, by the way?
Like why? I'd passed out drunk in weights
class and they had to like, I think, pump my stomach from all.
Oh, Jesus. The rice clear.

(01:08:19):
The rice clear. Yeah, you're, you're.
Like, but then, yeah, I just remember waking up and like, my
family was all around. They all have this, like, look
of disappointment. So I got in so many different
points in my life. I hate that.
Look, we know that look. I haven't seen it in a long
time, but they're all there. My mom's probably a little teary

(01:08:40):
eyed and whatnot, so that like hurt more and just like knowing
that there was like repercussions from the school
probably and all that. The shame and guilt hit more
than the pain at that point. But I just remember I had been
suspended afterwards that from the school.
So I had to like, be at home with my dad, who took off work,
bless him, and was like, he wasn't really too scoldy after

(01:09:03):
like a few days. But yeah, I don't remember like
too much physical recovery beyond like the the day of like.
The blood and stuff. Hungover and like, yeah, yeah, I
think, I mean, I think peeing was weird for a day.
Or so it's really weird for a couple for a little while.
Yeah, that's why I'm asking thisis.

(01:09:23):
I kind of blocked a lot of it out, granted, like we're talking
please do this is like I was 16,so this is like 13.
I was 15 when this happened, so yeah, it was quite the thing to
wake up to. Yeah, I didn't know that was a
thing. Me neither.
And then ow, on the way out, ow,ow.
I didn't get it on the way in. I don't remember the way in, but

(01:09:44):
the way out. Ow.
Well, I've never had my so quickquestion, who's had their
stomach pump because I've never had my stomach pumped.
No, no. So just you, how many times?
Just once. Yeah, I think there's that time.
Oh, wow. There's been a lot of peeping
experiences. Oh.
Yeah. Well, naturally, yeah.
I mean, it becomes second habit at a certain point, right?
Yeah, just like. Yeah, I don't recall the stomach
punk like I at one point I was in, at one point I was in home

(01:10:06):
EC class or something drinking the rice clear and then the next
moment I'm in the hospital with Dick tube.
You went to school drunk. I got drunk in school, that's
fucking you. Gave me a water bottle of rice
clear in home EC class. That's fucking no.
And then I would go high. I would never go to school.
You didn't anticipate. He probably didn't anticipate
how fucked school drunk. No, no.

(01:10:28):
That'd be miserable. I went to college drunk.
That's. Yeah, that's different.
That's different, high school Helm.
High school was high usually just but, but think about how
hard it was to get liquor. Yeah, right clear.
Yeah, right. Clear high.
School OK how have you you know,how have you managed your

(01:10:49):
thoughts and emotions about like, you know people, you know
going back out because I know we've talked about it yeah like
so you know describe that process and like how does it.
Fuck with you. It's it's hard because like I
want everyone to like get the benefits that I've gotten from
this program and I want everyoneto want it and like do what I
did. But like what necessarily worked

(01:11:10):
for me isn't it's going to work for everybody.
Like everybody's recovery is kind of independent and everyone
has their process, but I get really frustrated with people,
like people that I live with that are going through it and
seem to be in some sort of loop.People that I've used to be
friends with and I'm still friends with now.
People's in a loop or like some sort of like cycle really

(01:11:31):
bothers me. But I'm like in a cycle about
being bothered by people in their cycle rather than just
like the answer is always like compassion and like acceptance.
And I struggle with that sometimes.
Some days are easier than others.
I think I interject a lot and I think I have the perfect
combination of words to get people to snap out of it.

(01:11:52):
And the truth is I just don't like, like there's nothing that
can be said. If someone when I was deep in my
like kind of destruction cycle, if someone gave me like all the
pieces of the puzzle, they wouldjust hit me with like some
Buddha level wisdom. I just like wouldn't hear it,
like until I like figure it all out myself.
Like it doesn't count or it justdoesn't work.

(01:12:14):
So I've come to terms sometimes like when I think about it for a
while, like the best thing I cando for a lot of these people is
to like just keep doing what I'mdoing as far as recovery and
just like life. It always depends on how like
the your individual, like how you're doing, how you're going
to react to it. Like if, if I'm doing well when
I see other people and I'm like,OK, that's just is what it is.

(01:12:37):
But if I'm in some sort of fucked up situation, I'll
project and be like, man, they're a fucking idiot.
Yeah. And yeah, it all just depends on
how we are, really. Everyone comes in at different
points. Everybody has like their own
personal life cycle. Oh yeah.
But yeah, it, I get all sorts ofemotions from it, frustration,
anger, disappointment, but usually after some time and

(01:13:02):
thought and talking about it, I'm like, here I go again.
At the end of the day, most of it doesn't affect me that much.
My actual life, it'll affect my mind, but it's their life.
But. No, you said that compassion and
acceptance is this is what you have to get to.
Yeah. And I heard from someone that

(01:13:23):
acceptance doesn't mean I have to like it.
Yeah, I can accept it and not like it.
Yeah. Acceptance doesn't have to mean
tolerance. Yeah, but after a certain point,
if someone's coming to me with the same issue multiple times,
it's hard for me not to be like,all right, we've been here
before. Like, what the fuck are we gonna
do? I know.
Yep. I'll maybe be like, too down for

(01:13:43):
that. But that's kind of how my
sponsor is with me and other people.
Like if you're looking for a cosigner on some shenanigans,
I'm probably not your guy. Yeah, and I'll, I'm fine with
that. But sometimes I can say things
nicer. Like I can say the general
message of what I'm trying to say without, like, being mean.
And I don't think I'm a mean person at the end of the day,

(01:14:05):
but like, sometimes they come out too aggressive.
Yeah. And that's, like, not how I want
to be. And then I'll feel guilt about
that. And I saw that a lot in step
7:00 and 6:00. And just, like, seeing a lot of
my defects come out. And when it comes to, like,
criticizing others. And that's not who I want to be
at the end of the day. Yeah.
But it's a process, yeah. What you got, Carl?

(01:14:27):
Did you just call me car? Carly No, I like trailed off.
I did say the full Carly, but I mumbled at the.
End. I did kind of like it though,
Carl. Well, people call me Carl all
the time, but I've never heard it from David so.
You're hitting pet name status. That would not be our pet name.
I just I just made it all awkward you.

(01:14:47):
Did you made it weird? We have.
Better pet names than that, Eric.
That's better. There we go.
You're. Getting weirder.
Yeah. All these hobbies and things
that you're into, do you ever worry about it becoming like
some like an obsession like so where's that fine line of
something that you enjoy that's a habit to where it's then it's

(01:15:07):
now manifesting itself in your recovery as like a new
addiction. All those ones I mentioned
usually haven't gotten too out of control.
I'm pretty good at bouncing them.
What's been, I don't even call it a hobby because it's just
like a way of life, but also an obsession is like what has been
an obsession for me. It's been like money and
finances and like trying to liketheory craft the best way to

(01:15:31):
invest and whatnot. And so thinking about how
everybody else is spending theirmoney wrong, that's been an
obsession to me. But like like the gym and the
cooking and all that, like it's usually like, you know, a few
hours here and there a week. It's definitely something to
monitor. And like growing up, my dad
always told me that like even a good thing can be like taken too
far. And like he was saying like,

(01:15:52):
yeah, our family has addicted personalities in general.
So like he'll get too far on like the gym tip or something.
So it's definitely something to monitor as well.
But what I end up doing is like I won't be able to balance all
the hobbies. Like I won't play the heart for
a few days or like there for a few weeks, maybe a month.
And then I'll feel like damn, like I'm messing up.
I'm looking at this thing and it's just like another thing.

(01:16:14):
Skin cobwebs. To feel guilty about.
Yeah. And that's also not good.
And I think that kind of comes down to time management too.
If I like, I like to make a lot of things like bite size.
Like I don't expect myself to like cook like for five hours a
day or like I don't expect myself to do like an hour or two

(01:16:34):
of step work every day, but 5 minutes here and there.
And like I get better at it. Like if I do something for 5
minutes a day for 100 days in a row, I will get better.
So I like to make things bite size and that with having to
juggle so many things, that makes things a little more
manageable and I don't try to get overloaded on one thing.

(01:16:55):
That's a great way to go by it. What do you got here?
OK, this is a three-part question.
Jesus Christ. So you went on tour.
So with going on tour, first part of that question is what
did you sell? Drugs or food?
Who did you tour? Like who did you follow?

(01:17:16):
Because I mean there's lots of different bands.
I think my friends were following the ping pong pigeon
fucker. Pigeons playing ping pong.
There we go. I like them, they're fun.
And. They're from Maryland.
Yeah, they're cool. They're fun.
Pigeons playing ping pong? Yeah, kind.
Of one of my high school friendsis married to one of them, I.
See. OK, a lot of little, a lot of
little Kevin Bacon's here, so keep going.

(01:17:41):
I I'm so. Lost and then the last part.
So besides that you're talking like in high school about just
like when you're trying to sell something and selling drugs and
stuff, thinking about the margins and like, you know,
where's the ROI and all this stuff like, but you're using
drugs. So you're like, obviously you're
fucking all that. Up finish your fucking but.
Can you? Can you?

(01:18:02):
Speak also in layman terms. Did I not speak in layman ROI?
Return on investment. I'm sorry.
No, I got it. There's It took me a second.
Yeah, go ahead. So who are you?
Following what were you selling?What were you selling?
And then what was your like? What was your model for making
money? Cuz like, that's fucking hard.
So the first. Movie How do you get from one

(01:18:23):
festival to the other? Not that's like 5 questions.
Fucking question. Ever.
It's all a part of the tour. So I got.
I got into selling at festivals in that like I made a bunch of
brownies and brought it to Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival
right after I turned 18. And I remember walking around in
a camp selling to different different, different campsites

(01:18:43):
and like coming back, it moved like it was like a one or two
day thing. I might be brought like way more
than I ever had made at the time.
I brought like 100 or so and I like sold them.
And I would come back with like a bunch of ones and fives and
like throw this to my friend Aaron and be like, count this
shit. It's like 50 bucks.
And I'm just like feeling like aballer, like count these ones.
And I just remember really liking it then.

(01:19:05):
And then I met like some people over the years that like sold
other things at festivals and that's what they think they
called them lot boys. Like outside of a festival or a
concert is called the lot. And it was like its own culture
and whatnot. So yeah, I over the years
started like getting like exposed to that and trying that

(01:19:26):
and it was basically whatever wecould get.
Like it usually was like psychedelics and like powders
like coke or ketamine and like Molly and stuff and like that.
Sometimes you'd have all of it, sometimes you just have one or
two. And it was a, like, sometimes
some festivals, like, people arereally receptive to it.

(01:19:47):
And other festivals, like, therewas too many people doing it.
And like, you'd eventually get to a campsite that people would
be like, you guys need to stop offering your wares and like,
stuff like that. And like, acting like everyone's
affiliated. He was like, you guys need to
stop asking. Like, it was just like, yeah, it
probably gets a little annoying.And I've been to festivals, too,
where it's just people walking by and trying to get into the

(01:20:08):
campsite. I would always try to be
respectful and be like Ahoy Matey's permission to come
aboard. That was my shtick.
And then they'd either say like yes or no.
Like I'm like standing like towards the edge of their
campsite being like. Would you like to parlay?
Yeah, but I pretty much only hadlike illicit stuff.
I've met a lot of people that would do the combo.
They would have like, pins and art, and then they'd be like,

(01:20:30):
yeah, Also if you want like party favors, we.
Got my friends sold bagels that was their thing.
That's they sold lots of bagels grilled.
Grilled cheese is a common one too.
Grilled cheese on lot. As far as who I followed, it was
I basically, I listened to a lotof electronic music.
So like one artist that I reallyfollowed around a lot was like
this guy Bass Nectar, who's since been oh shit, yeah, yeah,

(01:20:53):
he got canceled recently. I saw I saw bass nectar at.
I saw Bass Nectar quite a few times.
What was that? Fucking keep going, I'll think
of. This and I remember going, Oh my
God, across the country. I'd go to like Colorado and
stuff to see him. I'd go all over and then I would
get too inebriated to remember it.
I would like trip to yeah, I would get a trip too hard.

(01:21:16):
There's so many basic, so many basic actor sets that he was my
favorite and I don't remember them alright.
I'd just be like too excited. So I'd travel across the country
just to forget. It was in like, West Virginia.
Oh, it's all good. All good festival, yes?
That was probably a pretty hard.1.
Yeah, back in like the 0708 days.
Probably all I remember was justwah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah

(01:21:37):
wah that's where. Well that's where I got DMT for
the first time and got to smoke a fucking whole summer.
'S worth of DSD, your love of DMT Amazing.
So is it fair to say that you are a dump dog guy and a lot
boy? Yes, yes.
All right, I, I, I rest. OK.

(01:21:59):
Thank you. You rest your case OK.
Listen to that. There was a third, but I'll rest
because of these two all. Right.
My final question is what does the amends to Mom look like now
and in the future? Sorry.
That's one I talked to. I'm going over my instep now

(01:22:20):
with my sponsor and she gave me some ideas for my dad, but he
didn't give me much ideas for mymom.
I'm gonna have to figure that one out.
Like I said, my dad cleaned up my car in my apartment and he
was thinking like, hey, like, maybe like get his stuff
cleaned. Like get like his car detailed
or something. Yeah.
And I actually know a guy in theprogram that's like low on money

(01:22:42):
and details cars, so it'd help everybody involved.
There you go. So that'd be pretty cool.
But I don't know about my mom, maybe something similar because
she helped with both those initiatives too.
Initiatives. But my major thing with my mom
is like I made her lose sleep. Like I like to say that like I
would look down on people for being like thieves and stealing

(01:23:03):
objects, but like at the same time I came to a conclusion that
like I stole a lot of happiness,I stole a lot of peace.
Like I stole a lot of energy andtime from people.
Like I was a thief of the worst kind.
Like stealing like material things is one thing, but
stealing like like. Taking someone's Peace of Mind.
Yeah, that causes trauma and like, you can't get that time
back. So one way is just to continue

(01:23:26):
to, like, not worry her. Like I think she sleeps better
now than she ever has before. And a huge thing of that is
like, trying to communicate morewith her and like, go and see
her more 'cause like, through, through active addiction, I was
absent in many ways, shape or form.
But mostly I, yeah, I wouldn't come see her much.
I didn't really have the means to or the time.

(01:23:47):
But now I'm like, you know, I'm busy as well.
And I can always like, rationalize, like, I don't have
time to do that. And anytime I do go, it's
awesome. She lives in Gaithersburg.
It's a little far. We are going to a trip just me
and her in September. She's paying for all of it.
So it's hard for me to call out an amend, but we're going to
Disney in Florida, the Disney and Orlando.

(01:24:07):
What's it? I mean, Disney, OK.
Didn't we talk about this? Yeah, we did.
Yeah. Disney and Universal and I'm
excited for that and. Amazing.
It's. Gonna be doable.
I don't know how much of that I can call an amend, but if it's
like, yeah. If I say it is an immense, it
absolutely is because you're you're gonna you just being
present there is an immense Yeah, like you don't necessarily

(01:24:27):
have to pay for the whole fucking trip, but you availing
yourself as a son to your mom. Like that's the, that's what
you, that's what you can give right now.
Yeah, and she deserves it. It's going to be a great time.
I'm looking forward to it too. Yeah.
Just continuing to be like independent and whatnot.
That's not, that's always, always have like, needed

(01:24:49):
bailouts at different points. Yeah.
Like not putting a little more effort into not needing
bailouts, like asking for help here and there is like,
necessary. But not being like, hey, like, I
need this large sum of money. Like, I need you to do this for
me because that's been like a huge thing.
Like I've always leaned back on my parents for like, some sort
of like, Get Me Out of this troubled situation.
So just not getting in the troubled situation.

(01:25:11):
Hell yeah. But that's definitely something
I need to think about. She's a wonderful woman.
I love my mom and like she's been, I put her through some
dirt. So she deserves the world.
Oh. Yeah.
All right. Well, we would like to thank our
guest Andy for joining us today.Yeah, fantastic job, man.

(01:25:31):
One last very quick minute. What do you have to say to
anybody out there struggling easier message of hope.
What do you have to say directlyto that?
It does get better. It doesn't get better overnight,
but like it takes a little effort and a little bit of time,
but like, it's worth it at the end of the day.
Like no process is perfect, but this is the closest process I've
ever seen to perfection. But a process of turning inputs

(01:25:53):
to outputs and the input is a little time, a little like
energy, and the output is just awhole better way of life.
Like I couldn't imagine that would be where I am now.
And it's all because of recovery.
Hell yeah. Perfect.
All right, Well, we would like to thank you again.
And here at Podcast Recovery, we're aiming to expand.
Oh, can I, can I do this? Off the top of my head?
I don't know. We're aiming to expand the scope

(01:26:13):
of support for recovering addicts.
Accessibility and convenience ofhelpful services is paramount to
combating addiction. We work to bring the message of
recovery to every attic, wherever and whenever it is
needed. We believe that a powerful voice
of recovery should be obtainable, practical, and at
the touch of a button. And everybody deserves to hear a
message of hope. And Podcast Recovery is here to

(01:26:34):
provide it. Boom, nailed it.
Yeah. So everybody, thank you for
joining us once again. Go to all our social media
outlets like share, subscribe, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram,
YouTube. Go to our merch store, purchase
some shit because we are self supporting.
Join our Patreon, help us to keep the mics on, but most

(01:26:55):
importantly everybody out there.Stay safe and stay clean.

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Andrew W. - Everytime Was My Last Time

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Andrew W. - Everytime Was My Last Time