Jon C. - I Move at the Rate of My Pain - Podcast Recovery

Episode Transcript
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(00:03):
Welcome back to Podcast Recovery, everyone.
We're your host, David O. Carla yes.
And Eric B I'm. Just going to start ignoring it
because. I hate it so much.
Today we're joined by our very special guest, John.
How are you doing today, ma'am? Doing good, got up early,
obnoxiously caffeinated and ready to get this over with.

(00:24):
Fair enough. Happy to be here.
Yes, there we go. Where are you from?
I am from Maryland. I grew up in Jarrettsville in
Hartford County. Where, oh wait, Jarrettsville,
you? Grew up in Harford County.
Yeah, OK. So you're like that like between
Bel Air and and Hereford zone is.
That yeah, I grew up like right,right on the line of Baltimore

(00:46):
County, Hartford County. OK, OK.
That place, yeah, it's an interesting place up there.
Yeah. When were you first introduced
to recovery? The first time I tried to get
clean I was 23. How?
Old are you by the way? I am 32.
OK. All right, all right.
Cool. And how long have you been

(01:07):
clean? I've been clean for seven years
and and a month and some days. Fantastic.
All right, And with all that outof the way, we're going to turn
it over to you. Share your story with us.
Take it away, buddy. OK, I'm John.
Hi, John. I'd love heroin.
All right. Nice.
Your type of people, Eric. Yeah, so I don't know.

(01:29):
I'm one of four kids, 2 Irish Catholic parents.
It was just a fun way to say that they're Alcoholics.
Started using when I was like 12.
I had the third child, I had middle child syndrome.
What did you start using first? When you.
Were 12 alcohol either budweisers or or smoking weed

(01:52):
OK? I don't really remember.
Probably. Probably drinking.
OK. Yeah, I don't know.
It was, it was always around in my house.
My older brother was was smoking, my parents were
drinking. They, yeah, I don't know, I had
too much leash and did whatever I wanted from a very young age,

(02:15):
hung out with kids a lot older than me and just did whatever
whatever I wanted to, did whatever I felt I needed to do
to fit in, and was predominantlyjust left to my own devices.
So yeah, I started started drinking, started smoking when I
was like 12, hanging out with other kids, started

(02:40):
experimenting with other drugs probably 1415, started doing
Percocets at 17. Wait, hold on, I want to ask a
really weird question. Actually, no, it's not weird at
all. We all smoked weed here.
What was your preferred method of smoking weed?
So. Are you Carly?
When? Yeah, well, just, you know,
over, over your, over your career, over your pot smoking

(03:02):
career. I I love smoking blondes.
I don't. I mean, I didn't really have a
preferred really, Really. I mean it was just like A blunt
was nice every once in a while. I did not like joints.
No, joints suck. Joints are terrible.
Joints suck. But then it was like balls are
easy. Balls are easy bongs.
Are I felt I always got the highest off of a bong.

(03:24):
Yeah, gravity bongs were excessive.
Way excessive. And like the vaporizers, like
the vault, like with the bags and everything, I hated those.
I. Feel like it just changed.
This is terrible. Wait, what about you?
I like ripping tubes, dude. I mean, I want I want a nice
expensive clean. Glass piece I know exactly.

(03:47):
I wanted to have a you. Want a roar piece?
Was it a roar at your time or was it I?
Had a roar I. Had with a glass glass catcher.
I had an illa Delph. Yeah, shout out to Illa Delph
they fuck. I remember Illa Delph.
Yeah, yeah, No, I don't know. So what's funny is like
nowadays, like, I don't know, the first time I got clean, I I
relapsed on weed, right? And I realized that, like, I

(04:10):
don't like being stoned. I don't like being fucking high
on weed. I just like, I was uncomfortable
as a fucking teenager and like wanted to get out of myself.
And like I found out at the likeold age of 23 that like, I don't
even fucking like smoking weed, right?
But like, but like, I miss smelling weed.
I miss like the ritual, right? Like I miss.
Dude, you know you know Brad, right?

(04:31):
Yeah, yeah, Dude, Brad always hated smoking weed and I was, I
would always just fucking peer pressure and him, I was like,
dude, I can't smoke a lot of fuck the fine and he and he'd
get high and he'd be like, I fucking hate you so much for
this. Yeah.
So like it's, I don't find it tobe a good time.
Like if I ever romanticize smoking weed, it's just about

(04:51):
like the culture and the ritual and the smell and like the
strains and the glassware and like that's yeah.
I mean, that's what I what I miss about that.
But I don't. I have no desire to smoke any
weed. So that's tight.
That's good. Yeah.
There you go. I.
Got coupons in the mail the other day for the dispensary.
The neighborhood dispensary. Wait, what?
Talking. About the.

(05:11):
That's the thing. Summit.
Wellness Summit. Wellness, me too.
March is 30% off April $15.00 gift card and May is 10.
Dollar gift card. It's in my hand.
Better for knowing that. Yeah.
No, my, I got grilled by my girlfriend when she found it in
the mail. She was just like, why?
What? Can I just be nosey?
Why is this being sent to you, Miranda?
That that was sent to my wife. Yeah, mine was sent to me.

(05:33):
Mine was sent to me. And I, I threw it out and
Garrett asked me this morning, do you still have that, that,
that coupon? Because Dave and Jen are in
town. So.
Oh. There you go.
Nice. It's like.
Yeah, it's in the trash. Go find it.
Yeah, I mean, might as well Groupon, am I right all?
Right, Continue. Yeah.
So started doing, started doing perks at like 17, started

(05:56):
sniffing dope at like 21. And that went on until just
before I turned 25 and I was like, I don't, I don't know what
it is about like imaginary timelines or whatever, but like
I, I told myself I was like at 25, like I theoretically I
should be an adult. I shouldn't be doing this shit,
right? I was like at 25, like I should,

(06:16):
I need to grow up. Like this is not a phase like
this, this needs to stop. So yeah, 2023 I tried to get
clean but I didn't know like am am I an addict?
Why did you try to get clean at 23?
'Cause my life was unmanageable.Yeah, I had, I had some
opportunities. I fucked them up.
I couldn't stay stopped by myself.

(06:39):
And I just like I wasn't, I was 23, right?
I was like, my best drinking years are ahead of me.
So like I didn't. You're not wrong.
Yeah. I was like, I was like, I don't
know if I'm a drug addict. I don't know if heroin's just
really awesome. It is.
And. And it's both of those things,
right? Yeah.
Little column A, little column B.
Yeah, so I got clean. Yeah.

(07:00):
I didn't know anything about recovery, right.
Like I knew one of my friends, one of my degenerate friends,
like had gotten clean. Can't even say that.
One of my degenerate friends went to rehab a couple times and
like I just went off of their experience, which was a terrible
idea because he did not have private insurance and I had
private insurance. So he was like, you should go to

(07:20):
Mount Manor or got Denzia and I ended up going to Mount Manor
when I could have gone to fucking Florida.
Yeah, wait, which? Which mountain Manor?
Off Frederick Rd. in West. Baltimore in Irvington.
Yeah, so I ended up there for two weeks and then this kid
showed up as. So there was this kid.

(07:41):
He like, ran in the same circlesas me and like, he was like, he
was that kid that like, as long as I wasn't bad as bad as him,
like, I didn't have a problem, right?
Like pissing on people's couches.
Fucking meter stick, I told you it's.
A real wait, stop. Why was he pissing on people's
couches? That's what you do when you

(08:01):
drink too much alcohol, yeah. That's that's.
Is this guy a drug addict? That's being called raised
wrong. Oh.
Yes, he is a drug addict. Just a different, different kind
of. Drug Oh he he is an ivory tower
drug addict like he's going on airwed.
He's like, no, I only do the best of drugs and.
So yeah, or I just make my own. He showed up for outreach.

(08:22):
He had, he had put some clean time together.
He showed up for a treatment center and like, he was dressed
well, he's driving a nice car. He had a couple years clean.
And I was like, if that fucking guy can do it, I can fucking do
it. Yeah.
And again, he was there on outreach.
So I, I transferred rehabs. I left Mount Manor and went to

(08:43):
Florida. Oh, nice.
So that was cool. Was that did that work?
Out the attic farms. So I, I, I went to, I went to
Mile Manor for two weeks. I went to treatment in Florida
for 30 days. So I got out of there, I did
their IOP for three months and then I came home and I white
knuckled a month. Where?
Where In Florida? In Stuart, FL Port Saint Lucie.

(09:05):
What the fuck dude, I don't. Even know where.
That is, yeah. You probably know my wife,
probably know her. She went she went to Port Saint
Lucie around that time. Where is that?
It's like middle of Florida, OK of the it's.
An hour north of the Palm Beach.Yeah, OK.
All right. It's on the Atlantic side.
Yeah, So I came home, I white knuckled a month and then

(09:25):
decided like, hey, like I want to drink.
But like, all of my friends knewthat I had a problem.
And all of my friends knew that I went to rehab and all of my
friends knew I was trying to change my life so they wouldn't
fucking hang out with me. So like I ended up like smoking
weed some. Kind of good friends though.
I know to an extent their heartswere in the right place at that

(09:51):
point in time. So I ended up going to the bar
by myself. I ended up smoking weed at my
parents' house by myself. And like, life was predominantly
manageable for a very, very short amount of time.
But like, those things were justlike, not enough, right?
So like, I ended up indulging inmore party favors, right?

(10:12):
Like I didn't really start doingcoke until after I tried to get
clean the first time. So I went on a 2 year run.
I held down a job for a year. Oh fuck yeah.
So like, my life was unmanageable.
I tried to get clean at 23, relapsed, and it was not until
then that like, shit really started hitting the fan, right?

(10:33):
Like I, I had never overdosed until my first relapse.
OK, like I picked up, I used, I got in my car, I left like I've
used it immediately, right. And like before, before my blood
could even circulate, I was in my car on my way home and I fell
out behind the wheel of my car and like drove through someone's
yard and like the fucking I cameto with a state trooper at, at

(10:59):
my car and he's just like, he's like, Hey, what's up?
What you got a you got a flat? And I was like, no, it's a, it's
a, it's a slow leak. And like, unbeannounced to me.
Unbeannounced to me. Like I'd already given him my
car keys. Like my tire was blown out.
I had droven through, driven through someone's yard.
Like I had no fucking idea. Killed a lawn.

(11:19):
Jockey. So yeah, I mean, within within
an hour of me relapsing, I overdosed for the first time.
I got my first. That was within an hour of
relapsing. I, I got my first DWI and
hopefully last that's. And so like they, they take me
in, they booked me or whatever. And like I tried to call my

(11:41):
parents, they didn't answer. And like I was, I had been home
and like I, I only had friends in recovery at home at that
point. Like my degenerate friends
wouldn't hang out with me. So I ended up calling this kid
and he came and picked me up andI was like, I had worked the
next day, right. Because like we have really good
priorities when we're using. Yeah, so I just, I just
overdosed. I just fucking got arrested.

(12:02):
And like he came and picked me up from the precinct and like,
he was on parole. He just got out of jail, like.
See, that's a prison. That's a fucking friend right
there. And I'm like, all right, well,
like, I just need to be picked up and we need to go to Walmart
'cause I need boots for work tomorrow and I need a shirt.
And I got to Walmart and I was like, well, like, the cops

(12:23):
didn't find the rest of my drugson me when they booked me.
So I'm like at Walmart, I'm likewell I can't throw these drugs
away and I can't take him to hishouse.
So I do the rest of the drugs and I fucking overdose again in
the back of this kids girlfriend's car.
Like meeting her. Where did you hide those drugs?
In my wallet. Your prison.

(12:44):
Not my jail wallet either. I am.
I mean, they're short little flat Baggies.
I mean, I had no tolerance. I hadn't used it for five
months. Did you ever have to hide
something? OK, I'm glad.
Yep. OK.
Yeah, so. So that was a shit show.
I felt real bad about that. But then I mean, the next day I

(13:06):
was at the bar with my friend. So I mean, I really didn't learn
a lesson. Did you have to get either of
the ODS? You didn't.
You didn't have to get Narcan oranything.
You just fell out and then came to the.
Second one, the second one they had to Narcan me and like
obviously I was out. I didn't know this, but like
his, his dad was a firefighter. So he called his dad and his
dad's like give him give him like sternum rubs and blah,

(13:28):
blah, blah. And I wouldn't come to.
So he calls, he calls them. They hit me like with I think
two shots of Narcan. They like take me, take me to
the hospital. They made me call my parents to
tell them they they were like they would not call them to tell
them that I overdosed. They made me do it, which seems
like a good tactic of shame. Yeah, shame.
Yeah, shame is a a good motivator.

(13:52):
There's a theme to my recovery line and actually entirely
boder. Just for Catholics, I guess,
yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, we're built
in. That's like a default setting.
Yes, You don't. You can't.
It takes a lot of work to jailbreak a Catholic, unless
they're a priest. But that's none of none of this

(14:12):
has anything to do with my storyso so yeah they narcaned me or
whatever and like for like 2 days I had no idea why my chest
hurt so bad. I was just like.
'Cause they gave me a sternum. Rub.
That's why I had no idea. So anyway.
I did not Is. It I got this.
It hurts like a mother. Sternum rub Very.

(14:32):
My wife. Like violent.
No, my wife had a sternum rub when she the last time she OD Ed
and she said that it was the most painful like feeling after
let. Me do it on you first.
Yeah, like I bet you were bruised like bruise as shit,
right? From that I don't even know that
I was bruised, but like there was I was a dope fiend, right?
There was no muscle, right? It was just like just right on

(14:55):
my right it. Hurt, but it hurt.
Like yeah, for days, for days. Yeah, dude, when I was getting
arrested in fucking Philly, theysaid I had the heroin body and I
was like, that is the rudest thing.
Anybody. I would say thank you dude.
That was the I felt so insulted.I'd be like, thank you Sir.
I'm thin and I am gaunt. I was like, Sir, this is a
cocaine body. This was in.

(15:15):
How dare you? This is very vogue.
Yeah. Very chic.
Yeah. So I got the DWI, got put on
probation. And then like the following
year, like I, I held down a job.But it was like things things
just continue to get worse, right?
Like, I didn't, I didn't get arrested again and I didn't,
like, overdose again, but like, things just got more and more
and more unmanageable. So I was on probation.

(15:37):
So I had to piss clean and I wasn't going to stay clean.
So I just like I must have cold Turkey detox like 8 times at my
parents the last year and it wasjust fucking miserable, right?
Like I had to, I was doing, I was in an IOP and then I was in
a continuing care and I would fake those P tests.
But like when it came to like probation, I wasn't taking a

(16:00):
risk. So I would like cold Turkey
detox and like the last year wasjust fucking miserable.
Yeah. And then like what?
What ultimately, like it got to a point where like by the time I
got my paycheck, like it was paying for last week's drugs.
So I finally, I finally fucking like fell out under.
So I'm I'm a plumber by trade. I fell out under someone's

(16:23):
kitchen cabinet and like when I came to I didn't know that I was
passed out and they were like real uncomfortable.
They called the cops, cops thrown away.
I'd left and, like, fucking so, like, I got fired, right?
I think rightfully so. Right.
I get back to the shop and they're like, we need you to
take a drug test. And I was like, well, we both
know what's going to happen if Ido that.
No. Yeah.
Well, then let me ask you leave.So at that point I was like, all

(16:46):
right, like I get off probation.I can just imagine you like
under a sink with a fucking pipewrench just like and it's just
dangling above your face, just almost dropping and it's just
like, are you, are you going to fix?
OK. Yeah, so like I don't what was
it fucking? I had 30 days until I got off of

(17:08):
probation and like my best addict thinking was like, well,
I can't go to rehab until I get off papers.
Yeah. So we're just going to fucking
ride this train, right. And they at that point in time,
it was, it was January. So like I had my tax return come
in, right? I was like, I was like, we're
good, dude. 30 days. I could do this.
And like every other drug, good drug addict, like it doesn't

(17:30):
matter if you portion your stuffout, you're going to use all of
it. So we, what was it?
I I reported for the last time, or so I thought, and she just
wasn't there and like it fucked up my whole plan, right?
I was like, what? County Was all this in?
That was in Baltimore County. That was fucked up, too.
I was pretty pissed about that. They were like, yeah, why don't

(17:51):
like, so you, you copped here, why don't you meet us on Route
40 every other week and and be clean?
Yeah. So I got to the end and I was
like, I reached out to, to the same kid that got me to Florida
the first time and he got me into a treatment center and I

(18:13):
like made the calls or whatever.I set up the time and you'd,
you'd ask me when I got clean this time at the beginning.
And it was, it was Valentine's Day in 2018.
I was so lost in the sauce that like, I had no fucking idea it
was Valentine's Day. I knew that like I was running
out of drugs. When you said it initially, I

(18:34):
thought like some woman broke your heart and you're.
Like I got clean. For no no no no.
That happened years before and sent me in a spiral.
No. So it was, I just knew I was
running out of drugs and if theydidn't come fucking pick me up,
like I was going to find Ways and Means and I wasn't going to
go the next day. So I was like, you guys need to
come pick me up right now. We're like, I I can't promise

(18:54):
you I'm coming. Yeah.
And like, thank God for body brokers and capitalism.
And like, they love making a dollar off insurance fraud.
They're like, hell yeah, we'll take we'll take your private
insurance money. And they came and picked me up.
So. Yeah, I just at this point I had
a little more surrender. I was more desperate.

(19:14):
I successfully have stayed cleansince that day.
And it's like, I don't know, things like out of my hands.
So it's just like one, one thingafter the other, like by not
using right, things have have worked out and gotten better and
better and better. So I I went to New Jersey, I
detoxed and then I came came back down to Maryland and went

(19:39):
to Gaithersburg, went through a 30 day treatment, my jersey,
because that was where the detoxwas.
OK, Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.
In the call center, they send uswhoever's paying for insurance
fraud. That's where you get sent.
Welcome to America. It's perfect.
Yeah. It's.
Perfect system, no flaws at. All I mean it, it helped me out.

(20:00):
It works. I mean it works.
It works, yeah. Yeah, Where in Gaithersburg?
Is there a treatment center? It's sent again.
Welcome to corporate America. It got bought by a conglomerate.
It no longer exists. But yeah, it was.
It was in Gaithersburg. I went through my 30 days there.

(20:21):
I did three months of IOP and I did things this time that I
didn't do the first time, right?Like this time I got a Home
group this time. I got a service commitment this
time. I was willing to move into a
halfway house, right? Like the first time, Like the
first time I was able to move back to my parents' house.

(20:42):
And this time, like, I just knew, like, even if I was
allowed, it wasn't an option. I was never going to make it
there. So this time, I just like, I
came in, I had more desperation.I had more willingness.
I took some suggestions. I got a sponsor.
I got a Home group. I got a service position.
I fucking hated that service position.
What was your first service position?
I was coffee maker. What's wrong with making coffee?

(21:05):
So this particular Home group, like had like 100 attendees.
Oh, God. So it was a big coffee maker,
right? It was at a, it was at a
hospital. We were not allowed to keep the
things there. I was not allowed to park in the
hospital parking lot. I had to show up an hour early.

(21:25):
I had to fill it up from the faucet in the bathroom that was
not tall enough to fill it up. So I had to fill this hundred
cup coffee maker lid by lid. And then like, I mean, we're
drug addicts, right? They're all fucking animals.
So like, fuck that table, right?That table is covered in fucking
coffee and Creamer and fucking sugar and fucking everything
else. Like, I fucking hated that

(21:47):
position every. Like I was, I like had a long
board at the Queen's House. I would just like have this
giant fucking duffel bag full ofcoffee stuff and I had to be
there an hour early. And like it wasn't, it wasn't a
particularly early meeting. So it's like if I wanted to
fellowship afterwards, I'd hurryup and clean up afterwards.
And like, everyone knew I hated it.

(22:09):
Like I did not mince words. I did not, like try to hide it,
right? I was not trying to be like a
martyr for fucking coffee maker,right?
I fucking hated it. Everyone knew I fucking hated it
and. That could be a title, Eric, a
martyr for a coffee maker. Yeah, but in, in full hindsight,
right? Like it, my Home group was on

(22:30):
Saturday, right? And like I had nothing better to
do on a Saturday night, right? Like I, even if I thought I had
something better to do on a Saturday night, I had zero days
clean and I had nothing better to do, you know, fucking meeting
on a Saturday night and early recovery.
So like that position got me to my Home group on Saturday.
It put me at a meeting on Saturday.

(22:51):
It put me there an hour early. It put me in a position to meet
people and get connected, be a Home group member.
It showed me like how home groups work, how the the
fellowship works. And like, it was, it was just
what I needed whether I wanted it or not.
So yeah, I mean, I was like thistime I just did a bunch of
things that were suggested that I wouldn't do the first time.

(23:14):
The first time, first time was like a trial run, right?
Like nobody, nobody but me needed that relapse, right?
Like my fucking parents, my niece, my siblings, like nobody
fucking needed my first relapse but me, because it just
solidified the idea that like I,I am an addict, right?
It doesn't matter if it's if it's dope or or what, like I'm

(23:37):
addicted to more. That's all I want.
And even if it's not a substance, like that's a theme
in my recovery, right? Like so.
So yeah, I stayed in that halfway house for two years.
They built a new house. They had me move into that one
and like, manage it. I lived there for three years.
What else? Mike's Place Oh, OK in

(23:59):
Rockville. Yeah, yeah.
And those people were, I mean, they saved my life, right?
Like they at the time we had a house manager who like was no
nonsense and like he was like about the program.
Like this mother fucker wanted me to take a half a Claritin
when I had the flu, right? Like this mother fucker like was
like like old school recovery like like less is he had this

(24:22):
saying it was less is best. And it was like it was like,
dude, I just want some fucking Dayquil right like this.
I want the gel tab. There isn't any alcohol in it.
Like it doesn't have any DXM. It doesn't have anything like I
just was a fucking Dayquil. Well, why don't you take a half
of Claritin, brother, man? And I'm like.
Yeah. This sucks, but it can't be
clean, right? Half of Claritin.

(24:44):
Yeah, dude, that's I'm not even embellishing, but I mean, homies
got what was it? I just I went to a celebration.
You just celebrated 32 years. Who is it, Bruce?
Oh, OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. So I mean, I don't know, just
doing things I hadn't done before, taking suggestions,

(25:05):
putting myself, like they say, people, places and things,
right? Like I was, I was far enough
from home, but not too far. Like I could go back if I needed
to. And it was like just putting 1
foot in front of the other and trying to do the next right
thing. And like trying to be an adult,
trying to be a respectful memberof society.
And I don't know, I like I realized that like I was

(25:29):
definitely, definitely like using to like mask how
uncomfortable I was, right? Like anything to get outside of
myself. It was like I, I have like a
cup. I had a few $100 to my name when
I got clean and it was like my car needed fucking tires.
But like, the day I got out of rehab, I like went to M Street

(25:49):
and like paid retail for some Ray Bans because I thought they
made me feel better. And they like they did until I
got to the door. And it's just like, that's like
a theme, right? Like roll just out here trying
to fill a hole, you know what I'm saying?
So, yeah, I mean, it's like I, I, I had a Chevy Malibu when I

(26:11):
got clean and then I got an AudiA4 and like that felt great
until it didn't. And then I like, I got like a
big truck and like that felt great until it didn't.
And like just spending all my money on like shoes and clothes
and shit that I didn't fucking need to make me feel better.
And it was like just retail recovery, right?
And like that stuff just doesn't, doesn't last.

(26:34):
No, but I, I did realize early on, right, like it, it didn't
matter. It didn't matter what I had.
It was like how I was living, right?
So like I was, I was in, I was, I just moved out of the IOP
house, moved into the halfway house and the guys at the IOP
house like needed, needed rides to meetings and I had a car.
So it was like I would get in mycar and or like I would.

(26:56):
I used to hate washing my car because every time I'd wash the
car I'd find another dent or another.
Ding, I never. I never washed my car so like
I've. Never washed my car either.
Do you wash your car? I take it to the car wash.
OK, Yeah. My car has never been.
I don't. Want to do that?
Nope, I don't have time for thatshit.
But it's impressive that you do.It'll rain eventually.
It does rain and then I have to wash it again.

(27:16):
Wait, that's. That's counted in.
Yeah. What?
Why the the the rain washed yourcar.
You're good. No, but anyway, right, So like
I'd be feeling, feeling like shit, feeling like shit about
this car, right. And then it was like as soon as,
as soon as I filled that car with a bunch of guys that had 30
fucking days clean and like tookhim to a meeting, like I felt

(27:37):
good and I fucking loved that car, right?
Like within within an hour and ahalf, like I went from like this
piece of shit car to like, hell yeah, right, Because I was, I
was using it to do the next right thing.
I was helping other people and it was like, and it like felt
good, right? It became a vehicle for
goodness. Yeah.
For recovery. I really hate that I just said

(27:57):
that. That was the cornea shit.
About It's a vehicle for recovery.
Yeah, so I don't know, it's beena slow and steady process.
It was like I had AI, had a couple years, COVID happened, I
sat still for far too long. And yeah, I don't know, I've

(28:20):
just like I've tried to put 1 foot in front of the other and
keep moving and do the next right thing.
And as of late, like it is paid off in spades.
And it feels like, it feels likethe last three months of like
this year, we're three months in.
I'm, I'm having a crazy fucking year and it feels like every

(28:43):
single thing that I did in my first seven years of recovery,
like has culminated to this point, right?
Like nice, like suiting up and showing up, like going to work
every day. Like so, so my first day back to
work this year, I got laid off What?
And I just like hit the ground running right?

(29:03):
So like at 1:00 PM and I was, I was in the union.
So at 1:00 PM I got laid off. At 2 PMI signed the book so that
they'd find me another job. At 3 PMI signed up for
unemployment. By 8:00 PM that night I had
started an LLC. By the end of the month I have
gotten my master plumber licenseand my MHIC started my own

(29:24):
company. I've been working for myself all
year and yesterday I finalized Atransaction to purchase my
previous employer's company. So like and that was that was
the guy. Like I the company that I
bought, like the guy that I bought it.
From Are you just buying his book or what are you buying?
I'm buying the name of the company, the truck, all of his

(29:46):
tools and material on hand, the phone number, and the book of
business. The.
Book of business. OK, good.
So I like this guy gave me an opportunity.
I had 32 days clean and this guygave me a job, right?
And like, he didn't know me. He'd like, I had known my
sponsor for five days, right? And my sponsor called this guy
and got me a job with this guy. This guy didn't know me from

(30:07):
anybody else. He gave me an opportunity,
right? And I showed up.
I took four days off my first year of recovery.
I showed up every day. I showed up on time.
I did my job to the best of my ability.
Like my 30 minute lunches were 30 minutes, like, and like I
just strived for like integrity,right?
Like the things that we do when nobody else is watching, Like

(30:28):
that's what makes somebody who the fuck they are.
So like, I showed up, I worked for him for four years.
I showed up every day, long time, active with integrity, did
what I said, what I was going todo.
And and that was just me trying to be a fucking adult, right?
Like that was just me in my mid 20s trying to grow up, be
responsible. And like, little did I know that

(30:48):
it was going to like open this door for me to like by this
company, right? Like, like, little did I know
that like, like I, I firmly believe that actions speak
louder than words. So it was like when I got clean
this time, I did not run around and say sorry to everyone,
right? I was like, we're going to wait
like a year, maybe like 2 years until like there's, there's
factual evidence in front of ourface that like says like, Hey,

(31:12):
he's doing something different, right?
So like that's, that's all that mattered, right.
Like when I first got clean, I was excited to be like, I was
excited to be a brother. I was excited to be a son.
I was excited to be an uncle, figure out how to be a friend.
And it was like, I don't know, just like showing up one day
after one day after the next, put 1 foot in front of the other

(31:34):
and taking suggestions like my life is like 1000 times better
than when I got here, right? Like I, I had given up at a very
young age, right? Like I remember I was like 10
years old and I found out how much like a new truck cost and I
was like, well, we're never goodat like $25,000 for a truck.
When I was like 10 years old andI was like, well, we're fucked.
I was like, I'll never have $25,000, right?

(31:56):
And I'm like. Now I'm like fuck, give me the
gig $25,000 truck, yeah. Fucking $40,000 Civic.
Fuck that doesn't even have a spoon or engine.
Yeah, So I don't know, I just like I had at the very end of my
road, right? Like no one would hang out with
me. I was, I was like going to

(32:16):
Baltimore in a open drug market and fucking like they knew me by
name. And it was like I was, I was
literally just hanging out with my mom each night because like,
I didn't know if I was going to wake up in the morning.
I was like, I know I'm not goingto stop doing what I'm going to
do because I know that I can't stop.
I know that it's not fair to you.
I know. Like, I could fucking die any

(32:36):
single day because I can't stop doing heroin.
So like, I'm just going to like,try to give you as much time
with your son as you can have before I fucking kick the
bucket. Oh, God.
And then I would straighten. And I haven't used since.
So it's pretty tight. But yeah, no, I mean, I had.
I had given up by the end. Yeah.
So yeah. I mean, just like the, the

(33:01):
relationships that I've like made here have have saved my
life and they enable me to make my life better, right?
Like they like I'm heavily agnostic, but the saying is
like, we made plans and God laughed, right?
Like my plan was to buy, I had awicked W2, right?

(33:21):
I was going to buy a house in February.
I was going to do my own thing in May and I got laid off the
first day of the year. So like all that went to shit.
So I like hit the ground runningand like the theme of my year,
which is a skill that I've picked up in recovery.
It's just like pick up my phone and call somebody that has more
experience, right? And it's like I've I've quote UN
quote like we don't judge in recovery, but stick with the

(33:43):
winners, right? Like it's pretty clear he's like
fucking around or not. But it's like the theme of my
year is just like call people with more experience and like a
large number of people and like what I consider to be like my
network aren't aren't necessarily in recovery.
Like they're just like, they arepeople with integrity.
Yeah. Like are, are professional or,
or whatever, right. So like there's, there's skills

(34:05):
that I picked up in recovery that like pay off tenfold.
And it was like, like being ableto ask for help is a strength,
right? It's not a weakness.
Like regardless of what toxic masculinity tells me, like the
fact that I can, I can ask for help is, is a strength.
And it's, I mean, it's paid off in spades this year.
So yeah, I don't know. Everything, everything's super

(34:30):
good today. I'm feeling real, real
optimistic about the future. And that's like a first, right?
Like I. You've actually, you've actually
like pumped me up this morning. I was like, yeah, I do feel
good. Yeah, no, I'm like, I'm like, I
had all but given up by the age of 10, right?
Like I've always been like a pessimist.
I've always been fucking like, like my favorite excuse.

(34:51):
Like I'm a realist, right? I mean, I'm not an optimist,
that's for sure. But like, I'm feeling pretty
good about the future and like, they're pretty much the whole
world's on fire right now. So that's says something I
think, right? I mean, everything, everything
is unsure. Everything's falling apart.
I'm a little salty. And like, I feel like I finally
figured out the rules to the game and now they're changing

(35:12):
the rules. Yeah, Oh.
We keep moving. Yeah, we keep.
The goal posts always keep moving, yeah.
All right. Well, so yeah, that is.
We got some Christmas story. Fantastic.
We got some questions for you who would like to go first.
Feel like you haven't gone firstin a long time, so go ahead.
OK. Thank you.

(35:35):
That's a fun question. You went through the DARE
program, right? I'm not that old.
Oh, really? He's only 32, I mean.
I know what you're talking about.
Nancy Reagan and whatnot. Like, yeah.
He's not. Our age, he's.
Not our age. I mean, did they have a
different like drug awareness program when you were a kid?
I remember like Mcguff the crimedog, you definitely remember him

(35:59):
like, and if there was like a a DARE program, it was like
fucking kindergarten, first grade.
No, I think, I think dare. I think dare was starting to
get. Fizzled out.
Fizzled. Out.
That's right. Like that, but like we're like
kind of the last dare generationbecause yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I thought they still had it.
Bill Clinton was was in office when I was a children.

(36:20):
Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah.
Yeah, Bill Clinton visited my wife's kindergarten class.
What? Yeah.
Okay, let me shift gears then. We're gonna backtrack for just a
second. It might be your podcast, but
it's my story, so just sit still.
When I was nine years, when I was nine years old, I got run

(36:43):
over by our lawnmower tractor and almost lost my foot.
So like when I was 9, when I wasnine years old, I got run over
by a lawnmower tractor. I had reconstructive surgery.
I had an external fixator on my foot.
They pumped me full of of morphine and Dilaudid me too for
months. Me too.
And then and like everything went well, right?

(37:05):
Like shout out to Union Memorial.
I was the fastest kid on my fucking football team.
Like like flawless recovery. From like we have the
technology, we can rebuild him, yeah.
But but before I started using drugs recreationally, I knew
what time it was when mom had tocome bring me my fucking
Dilaudid. So anyway, back to your

(37:25):
question. That was a that was a big part
of the story to loss over Buddy.That's your my recovery.
That's like my. You're you're manufactured, my
friend God. No, I I fully take
responsibility, I think. You're manufactured that.
That's tough. So dare's out, I'm asking a
question. Wait, wait, no, wait, I I gotta
know more about this fucking foot now.

(37:46):
OK, we'll. We'll pivot to you.
Go ahead. What is up with?
OK, so you had what, 11 fixator or how many fixators?
It was 1. I don't know.
I had two posts in my shin and then two on each side of my
foot. So I had 6 pins and one.
Next, let's start with like the first thing How the fuck did
your leg get under a lawnmower? So I grew up in Jarrettsville,

(38:07):
which is next to the middle of nowhere, right?
And I'm one of four kids. So there were always like,
baseballs, softballs, soccer balls in the yard.
So like I would ride on the backof the tractor and jump off and
clear whatever was out. So there's like a John Deere
mower tractor? Type thing, but yeah.
OK, same thing this. Was like a game your dad created

(38:31):
and then it went terribly wrong.Yeah, so.
Oh, your mom must have been pissed.
Oh, dude, it happened Mother's Day weekend.
Yeah, so the tractor didn't havebrakes.
What the fuck? Yeah.
So it was like we got there's this little hill at the property
line and like we went up the hill, I fell off the back and he

(38:52):
came back. He backed up over me.
Yeah. So it was like, in hindsight,
not a great idea. How did I mean it was an
accident? It chipped the bone or it
chipped the ball on my foot. It cut out the nerves immediate.
I really didn't feel it. Well, the nerve, the nerve
damage and pain is always it's. Yeah, so I mean, I had a couple

(39:16):
skin grafts. I was like, I think I was in
recovery for like 3 months. I was in a wheelchair for a
while. I had, I ended up having to like
teach myself how to walk again that summer.
Yeah, but I was like a child, right?
So like I didn't, I didn't harbor any like negative
feelings. I was just like, well this sucks

(39:36):
but like you don't know what thefuck normal is when you're
fucking. Yeah, you're right.
You. Were still a happy kid 'cause I
was ignorant. You were a little younger than
me when I had my surgeries. I was like 1415, so I was a
little more angsty. But at 9, at 10 I can see.
Ignorance is bliss. Dude.
There's a company full of fucking opiates.

(39:56):
Oh yeah, this is a good time. You're telling?
Oh my God, you're telling me. That I get to sit on the couch
and not go to school for two months.
Play video games, Watch movies. Yeah, I built like, what was it
like? Star Wars Episode 2 came out of
the time my my classmates felt guilty and bought me a giant
Lego set. Oh, did you do weird stuff like
like with video games at all during your time?

(40:18):
Like destroy other people's towns or anything like that now?
No, these are the days. These are the days of
PlayStation 2. OK.
OK. So we weren't game.
Kids. OK, what I was doing, which no
other child was doing, was watching 3's company and
different strokes. Well, I mean Nick at night,
dude. That's what I'm talking about
was no, this is the middle of the day.

(40:40):
Yeah, that's the middle of the day, dude.
That's not Nick at night. Yeah, that's daytime.
That's daytime rerun. 1970s television, that is, that is
daytime. What was that called again?
that Channel? TV Land?
TV Land. Yeah, it probably.
Maybe, Yeah. Yeah, it was TV Land.
OK, now to you know my question.If you dare.
Yeah, if I dare, which is not going to be a DARE question.

(41:02):
I mean, I'll pivot a little bit.So how did that, you know, early
access and like just an early exposure to drugs?
Do you think that played a part in understanding that drugs
could change your feelings? No, I, like, I was completely
ignorant to the fact that like, I didn't know what I was taking.

(41:23):
I just knew like that, like it was time to take more.
Yeah, right. Like, like complete.
I didn't know. I didn't know what the effects
were. I didn't know the drug names.
I didn't know anything about it.Like I just knew.
Like hey, I'm in pain like this.Is my foot pain?
Yeah. So no, if anything, like the
whole like nature versus nurturething, I think it just like it

(41:44):
started the rewiring, right? Like, I don't, I don't think it
yeah, if it played a part at all.
I think it was just like, hey, your brain is now used to
copious amounts of opiates, right?
Like these, these normal networks are now hardwired for
dope. Yeah.
Does your foot look normal? For the most part I have to

(42:07):
point it out like. So like, you can't tell that
like a riding mower fucked your foot up?
You have to look for it like, I mean, I can go to the beat like
no one's, no one's going to knowwith unless I point it out.
All right, So what? Do you got?
I'm always kind of wondering this going to, like, rehab in

(42:28):
Florida and like those paradise places and then going back to
reality, like how much of an effect does that have?
Like, is it a struggle? Like you're in this wonderful
place and then you have to go back to real life because that's
not a part of my story. Yeah.
So I did not, I did not fall victim to the Florida shuffle,
right? Like I didn't leave 1 and go to

(42:49):
the next and go to the next. Like, yeah, I just went there.
I was act like trying to get better.
Luckily, you were a little late to that game.
Yeah, so I went at first I felt guilty being there, right.
Like I didn't, I did not come for money.
Like we had some some pretty serious struggles before I got
clean and I like I went down there adamant to like get clean,

(43:16):
right? Like I didn't know that if it
was going to be a forever thing,I didn't know if I was going to
be an addict, whatever, right. But like I definitely like felt
guilty being down there because I went from like my home life
that wasn't great at the time tolike there was like an in house,
quote UN quote chef and I mean they weren't great meals, but
like I didn't have to cook for myself.
Everything that was provided. They had like a masseuse that

(43:37):
came in once a week and that wasfucking tight.
But also like I went to technically South Florida in
like July. So like, it was kind of fucking.
Miserable. Yeah.
Oh yeah. Detoxing in that just level of
heat. Yeah.
And then and then I went to the IOP.
That was just like efficiencies,right?

(43:57):
They bought some piece of shit motel.
So it was just like, I mean, I didn't, I didn't have great
living quality or anything down there.
I was not down there or clean long enough to have like
afforded myself anything, but itwas like I I came home and and
was just around this the same environment, the same people.
So I don't know. I don't I think I was just

(44:22):
fortunate to not get caught up in in the Florida shuffle and I
just I went for for what it was.I don't know that I would do it
again, but. Hopefully you don't have to,
bud. No, Yeah.
Well, so the other thing, that'sthe goal the second time.
The second time I tried to get clean, which is this time I was

(44:45):
making phone calls to see where I could go, right.
And we called Father Martin Ashley and they were like, we'll
only we'll only cover 80%. You guys have to pay out of
pocket for the other 20%. Steak night is great.
Though, Dude, well, so that was that was it.
I was like, I was like, it doesn't, It didn't make sense to
me to go eat steak and lobster for a month and then come back

(45:06):
to my fucking parents' house in the same thing like.
Surf and. Turf.
Listen, you gotta do. What you gotta do in order?
So that's when I ended up going to Gaithersburg, right?
And like my experience in private recovery was like, we
had a house chef and we had masseuses and we were in
Florida. And then I went there and I was
like, so this is this is anotherfunny caveat that I did not
throw into the mix. When I got to Gaithersburg, I

(45:30):
had not slept in three days. So when I got to Gaithersburg, I
went through and like my now I go by John.
John is my government name. My entire life growing up, I
went by Alex. Why?
It's the first half of my middlename, so like every single
person in Hartford County that Igrew up with.

(45:51):
Stop stop stop. First half of your middle name.
What the fuck does that? Mean John Alexander.
Yep, yeah. Oh well, it's.
Context clues I understand. Yeah, Alexander.
Like, I mean, I thought you had like a cool, like double middle
name. It's just Alex.
No, only I, No, I have two firstnames and most of the time I
know. Yeah, you're completely
untrustworthy. Well, no, your last name's not a

(46:14):
not a first name, so you're good.
My last name is Crook, so that'snot very trustworthy.
That's not very trustworthy. Yeah.
So I, that's when I started going by John.
And because I hadn't slept in three days and that all of my
insurance paperwork was under John, so I was just like, I'm
like, I had no intentions of staying.

(46:35):
I just wanted to, like, get through it.
I was just like, I hadn't slept in three days.
I'd just gone through detox. I felt like shit and like since
then I have been John. So like, that's its own fun
fucking game. So you've been you.
Wait, You were Alex? For how long?
I was Alex for 25 years. And now you're.
And then he got clean and just John.

(46:55):
Yeah, you literally reinvented. I.
You became a whole new person. That would, yeah.
You are Jason. Bourne It was weird.
It was weird at first, like, so I don't like, maybe try this
next time you're face to face with a fucking barista.
But like when they ask you for your name for your cup of coffee
and you stutter like you don't know what your own name is, you
get some weird looks, right, 'cause like depending on like

(47:17):
where I was, I had a different name.
So like trying to like parse everything out and figure out
how to be myself and be clean. Like was it?
I don't recommend it. No.
Right, Right. Yeah.
So I mean, now I'm. Have you had a nickname that
stuck? No, Eric.
No. Is that really a nickname

(47:38):
though? It's his name, My name.
My names are always like Eric Von.
Yeah, yeah. They always had to do drugs so
like that was my nickname so. OK.
Or MUD because I got too drunk and passed out in a stream one
time. OK.
All right. So it's not because of Matthew
McConaughey, no. OK.
That's good. All right, Eric, what question

(47:59):
you got? Oh man, now that I know about
the foot shit. No, we already talked.
We already, we already tackled the foot well move.
On well, no, you said you're still like you were still able
to be an athlete. I'm just curious like what
sports did you play and how how like how were you able to rehab

(48:21):
your like rehab to a point whereyour foot wasn't in pain anymore
or do you still have nerve pain?You probably.
No, I just don't feel it. Nerve like you have good enough
nerve damage or? Yeah, like I don't like the the
top of my foot is still numb. Like I could feel it to a
certain extent. Like if you feel like, if you
like, run your finger over the top of my foot, like I can feel
it, but. It's but it feels weird, right?

(48:42):
Yeah. Yeah.
So like my shins have my, both my shins have nerve damage like
so when I touch them, it feels different than touching the rest
of my body, Right. So it's kind of the same for
you, Like your foot just feels different.
Yeah. But it's, I mean, it's the top
of my foot and like touching, like, you know, like, yeah,
yeah, yeah. I mean, 16 hours a day, I'm on
my feet, right? So like 16 hours a day, 365 days

(49:05):
for fucking 25 years. Like it's normal, right?
Like it's not, Yeah. I mean, you're, you're a
plumber, so yeah, you're going to be on your feet a lot.
So damn dude did and did you? What sports did you play after?
I played soccer and I played football.
I played lacrosse. Jesus.
I was midfield, so like I. You had to run?
Yeah, you had to. Run.
I am actually now a runner. I like I I successfully quit

(49:32):
vaping. I successfully quit vaping
Memorial Day this last year and like didn't know what the fuck
to do with my hands and I started fucking running.
So now I now I am a runner who runs.
I ran. I've run 2 races this year.
I've got 8 more. Marathon.
Half marathon. What are you talking about?
I'm gearing up to do a half marathon at the end of the year.

(49:53):
Fantastic. So yeah, it's been a a crazy
development I. Walked to 5K once, no big deal.
I am all sorts of things that I never thought I would be right.
Like I'm, I'm, I can like pat myself on the back that like, I
am almost a person that like my 12 year old self would be proud
to be right. And that's pretty crazy.

(50:16):
Yeah. So.
All right, All right. I want to go back to you, the
meter stick person, because I had one as well.
It was Brad. And while we were using, as long
as Brad was worse than me, I wasOK, but I never.
But you used it in a different way.
When coming into recovery, you sort of swung it the opposite

(50:39):
way. We were like, oh, if this guy
can fucking do it, I can do it too.
Yeah, I never did that. So like, how?
I mean, how like did your meter stick person like keep you sick
longer because like they were always worse than you and it
like gave you that mental block and like how did using it in the
positive, you know, age or. Recovery.

(51:00):
I am a selfish, arrogant piece of shit.
So I did not associate with thisperson.
Oh, OK. Yes, yeah, no, like this.
This was the person, right? That was like, as long as I'm
not as bad as him, I'm fine, right?
So like I didn't really associate with them socially
beforehand and I was just like floored when they got their shit

(51:20):
together and like came into thistreatment center.
OK, OK. Like there's no like I don't,
there is no way to paint myself in a decent light with like my
honest like perception at that point in time.
I was just like judgment is a big issue of mine so.

(51:44):
So I just finished going over my6th step.
Nice, nice. I actually thought funny, like I
love roller coasters while I'm on them, but the lead like
getting in line. I actually have to like convince
myself and I actually like pick out like a like a 10 year old
and I'm like, OK, if they're going to get on the fucking

(52:05):
roller coaster, I can do. It too.
Are you kidding? No, I'm not kidding.
And roller like thrill rides scare the shit out of me until
I'm actually on them and the ride is happening and then I'm
like OK, this is great, but likesitting in line and like I'm
sitting there anxious. I'm like, what if I?
What if it goes off the? Rail, we need to go.
Fly off this fucking roller coaster.
We need to go to a roller coaster park together and I'm.

(52:25):
I need to wait for with you. I need to.
I need. Fire time.
I need to wait for my Vertigo tofix itself before I do that
like. But yes, I I'm willing to do
that. Yeah, I've taken, I've taken 3
big exams this year and each oneI was just like thinking of dumb
people who have these licenses. Oh yeah.
Like if they can fucking do it, there's no like I just need to
stop, take a deep breath and just do it.

(52:48):
And it's panned out well. That's also partially why I
don't trust man made objects, because I know the idiots that
put them together. Yeah, I mean, Boeing's not doing
well right now. So no, they are one of my dude,
they're one of my customers and like just the fact that like.
I I would not. I wouldn't speak too loudly
about Boeing. Why?

(53:09):
They killed their whistleblower.Oh, who cares dude?
I am. If they're if they're coming
after me, they're scraping the absolute bottom barrel of their.
Critics. They did kill their
whistleblower. Like pretty out in the open.
Leave the Clintons out of this. Let's move on now.
Let's move on. Carly, what do you got?
So you what had like essentially2 ODS in within 24 hours?

(53:30):
Yeah. Was there any part of that that
was like, OK, maybe this is my bottom, maybe I should get
clean? That's a.
Good point. I mean, I was a little, I was
embarrassed by the second one. I didn't really think twice
about the first one because it wasn't like I didn't need to be
revived, right? Like there was certainly a shock

(53:52):
to being narcanned and like waking up in the back of an
ambulance, but you were. Just like, oh that was good
shit. Yeah, no, literally, literally
my, my, my response was I need to be more careful, right?
Like that's what I got out of them.
Yeah. Like I need to be more careful.
Yeah, unfortunately that is all I really got.

(54:12):
I don't know, out. That's a shame.
Out of curiosity, does anyone carry Narcan on them?
No, I do not. I should.
I carry Narcan in my car and I carry it on.
Dude, I don't even carry a fucking EpiPen and I'm allergic
to bees. Well, I have millions of
epipens. I'll take one.
I can give you an older one, butyou should.

(54:34):
They do expire dude. Well, yeah, but but you have to
look at them in the light and ifthey're not cloudy, it's OK all.
Right. That's what the doctor told me.
OK, because they're expensive asfuck.
They are, that's why I don't have them.
You're allergic to bees and you don't have an EpiPen?
Yeah. That's really dumb, dude.
I know I need. Yeah.
I'll I like to, I like to live dangerously.

(54:55):
I'm going to give you an EpiPen,OK?
Thank you. What do you got, Eric?
Let's see, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go with a with a classic
one here. What's your favorite step?
Oh. Honestly, probably the 4th step.
Whoa. Really.
Yeah. Weird.
Why? Because it like, it made it

(55:18):
impossible to like look at it like honestly and like continue
blaming other people, right? Like it's like very clear cut,
very like easy to say that like if you've worked an honest 4th
step, like you shouldn't be a fucking victim anymore, right?
Like these are, this is all the shit I've done.
This is the, this is the hand that I've played.

(55:41):
And like, yeah, I mean, for the most part, right?
Like there's, there are things that are like, like trauma that
is not your fault. But like my experience has been
like. I you getting run over was
totally your fault. I mean, you shouldn't have been
standing. There, obviously.
No. I don't even I didn't even get
that into fucking trauma right. I don't point fingers or blame

(56:02):
anything like my my stuff right.So.
You're way too easy going dude. I would hold that above my
parents like forever. I mean, it made me like a touch
of a hypochondriac, right? Like I'm.
I bet it did. I bet it did.
But like nothing. Like nothing crippling.
Did it compound by the way? It had to compound it.
What specifically? Like your fracture?

(56:25):
No, Oh my God. So it was just mangled.
Your foot was just like. No, it just chipped.
Like I got super fortunate. Wait, did the blade hit you?
Like yeah, Oh yeah. Like it it like pretty much like
took the skin off the top of my foot.
It nicked like the corner of theball of my foot.
Like that's the, that's the extent of it.

(56:45):
Oh my God, got so lucky dude. Yeah, no, like it was like.
Did it break your? Like did the weight of it break
your ankle or separate the? No SO.
You're just, you're just hit by the blades.
So you're the ball of your foot broke essentially.
It chipped the. Yeah, it got it got sliced.
Yeah, yeah, it's crazy. Bone got sliced.
Oh, that's crazy. That's right.

(57:06):
Ow, yeah. I'm calling you Bonesaw from now
on. All right?
I want to ask the funny questionnow.
So you are in a relationship with our one of our good friends
that we've had on the podcast a couple times.
Is there anything funny like, you know, cheekily embarrassing

(57:30):
that she does that you can share?
If you say no, I'm going to be so upset.
Sometimes. Let's see.
Like is there like a cork that you're just like why the fuck
does this human do this? Sometimes I have to remind her

(57:51):
who David O is because she's so indifferent.
Oh, that is so. Oh, she's totally.
I have to remind her who he is sometimes.
But outside of that, I mean, she's pretty, she's pretty, all
right? She's pretty normal.
I mean, I've, I've, I've chosen her as a partner for a few years
now. So I I.

(58:12):
I feel like I've been burned in a scathing review by both of you
now. I hate you.
All right, well I'm gonna ask you a second question cuz that.
Isn't Miranda? That's boomerang so bad.
Fuck you both, Miranda. I hope you listen to this and I
hope you step on a Lego. So what was the hardest part
about early recovery for you? And what's the hardest part

(58:34):
about, you know, long term recovery?
Let's see the hardest, the hardest part about early
recovery was just like every, everything had to change, right?
Like I had used every single dayfor 13 years and it was like

(58:56):
literally everyday clean was like not to sound like over
dramatic, like everything was a new experience, right?
Like, like it was my first Christmas clean.
It was my first Thanksgiving clean.
It was my first like. Right.
Like I had never sat through those feelings clean.
Yeah. So it was like everything,
everything was a new experience,right?

(59:17):
Like not leaning, not having my coping mechanisms that were not
great. Yeah.
Led me to a deep love of heroin.Side note, fucking hate
fentanyl. Fuck fentanyl.
Love everyone. Fuck fentanyl, I agree with you.
But no, like this everything wasa new experience, right?

(59:41):
So like it was, it was one difficult thing is like finding
people who had relatively the same amount of clean time who
were like about it, right? Like it's hard, it's hard to
have 30 days clean and have friends that have like similar,
who are going through similar things to you that are like
trying to get clean and stay clean and like they aren't just

(01:00:03):
there for an oil change, right. Yeah.
So like finding, finding a relatable network, changing
fucking everything. I mean, just like I really had
to rely on like the the fact that like I thought.
I would go to meetings and people who use like me
successfully were not using and seem genuinely happy, right?

(01:00:25):
Like when I picked my sponsor, like it was because he showed up
every week. He had a good sense of humor and
like, like he he looked happy, right?
And like, that just seemed like such a, a far jump, right?
I didn't, I didn't think that I could just like, be happy
without the use of drugs, right?Yeah, I wasn't.
I was only happy with the use ofdrugs, right?

(01:00:47):
I was, I was upset if I didn't have drugs, and I certainly
didn't blame the drugs for me being upset.
But now staying clean is like now it's kind of second nature.
But like now it's just like trying to trying to rewind the
tape, right? Like I need to, I need to go

(01:01:07):
back to day one to remind myselfthat like, I need to be here.
Yeah, I need to. I need to schedule my recovery
in my meetings and my networkinglike into I need to.
Schedule now. I'm now busy around, yeah.
Yeah. So it's like being able to

(01:01:28):
remind myself that I need to be here and then just being adamant
about making time to participate, right?
Like I just went over, I just went over 6 and it would became
like pretty to. Your first six or second six?
My first 60 nice yeah no dude after COVID I fucking chilled so
hard I fucking I it took me 3 attempts to do my 6th step

(01:01:50):
because I kept losing it and like I was like I was like made
my. List my 10th step.
I made my list of defects. I went over it like I got to the
bottom of it. I'm like, I understand why I do
the things that I do. I know like all of that and then
I just like would set it down orlike I didn't save the file or
like like I, it took me 3 attempts in four years to do my
6th step. Not because I was like avoiding

(01:02:11):
the 6th step or like the uncomfortability, right?
It's like I just didn't care, right?
Like I move at the rate of my pain.
Life was pretty good. I had a steady pain like pain
job like I just I didn't. That's the title.
Eric, I didn't care. What's the time to move on?
I move at the rate of my pain. Yeah, that's that's.
So yeah, I mean, now it's just like trying to remind myself

(01:02:31):
that I'm that I'm here for a reason.
I'm supposed to be here and to continue participating, right?
Like I only get out of this whatI put into it.
And then there's like the other,the other side of it that I
really struggle with is like ourprimary purpose, right?
Like I don't, I have, I have a hard time reaching out to
newcomers. And like sometimes the still

(01:02:52):
sick and suffering addict is like if somebody has time,
right? Like I can be the sickest
suffering addict with some abstinence, right?
Like clean time, whatever. So I think it's just just
reminding myself that I need to be here and like and sticking
with that all. Right.
You got any more questions, Eric, do you have any more

(01:03:13):
questions? No, I don't think so.
All right. Well, we're about out of time,
so we would like to thank our friend John for joining us
today. Woo.
Yay. Fantastic job, man.
Thanks for coming on. One more quick minute to you.
Talking to anybody out there who's struggling, need to hear a
message of hope. What do you have to say directly
to that? Take suggestions, right?

(01:03:36):
I mean, do the things that are suggested that you don't want to
do, right? Like it was pretty easy for me
to parse out in the beginning oflike the difference of what I
should do and what I want to do.And a lot of the time at the
beginning, like what I wanted todo was not what I should have
been doing. So, I mean, look for someone who
has what you want and, and do what they're doing.
Yeah, it's, I mean, it's, it's almost that simple.

(01:03:58):
I mean, you got to show up everyday and successfully not use,
but yeah. That's the only thing you got to
do perfectly. Yeah, just don't use.
It helps to have someone to lookup to.
Absolutely. All right, well, thank you
again, everybody. Thanks for joining us.
Go to all our social media outlets.
I'm not going to list them out anymore because many of you know
what they are like. Share, subscribe.
Please do join our Patreon because we are you know, self

(01:04:22):
supporting and need help keepingthe mics on but most importantly
everybody out there. Stay safe and stay clean.

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Jon C. - I Move at the Rate of My Pain

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Jon C. - I Move at the Rate of My Pain