Kirstyn N. - I Use Men Like Drugs

Send us a text In this episode, Kirstyn N. shares her experience, strength, and hope. Podcast Recovery is a forerunner in digitally accessible addiction recovery support. We provide ease and convenience to any and all seeking a message of recovery and hope. By broadcasting the stories of recovering addicts, we act as a complement to all other recovery services. We exist to create a global foundation platform, so that any addict may hear a message of strength and hope. We contribute education...

Episode Transcript

(00:03):
Welcome back to Podcast Recovery, everyone.
We're your hosts. David O.
And Carly S. And Eric V, I'm having a great
day over here, guys. You know these sad motherfuckers
over here. We changed the.
Eric, rearrange the whole fucking studio and we're going
through, we're going through some shit right now.
We might have to see couples therapy.
It's going to be a thing. Anyway, We're joined by our very

(00:24):
special guest, Kirsten. How are you doing today?
I am finding dandy. Oh my.
God, you heard that on the last episode.
I did that on purpose. Yes, awesome.
She actually listened. Because I was like, we've gotten
a whole bunch of different answers, but we've never gotten
a fine and dandy. This bitch right here said fine
and dandy. Fantastic.
All right. Thought I'd turn around your

(00:45):
morning a little bit. That helped.
I need everything I can get. Where are you from, Kirsten?
I am from Westminster, MD born and raised.
I just moved down here to the Columbia area recently to
restart. You know, all right, try to find
a new way of life. And I'm going to steal Eric's
question. Is it Westminster or Westminster

(01:06):
It's. Westminster.
It's Westminster. OK, very good.
But it should. It should have an N Westminster.
I don't believe anybody. Who's talking?
I don't know. It's spelled is it?
But it's how it's pronounced. I mean, is Blair Roads?
Like is that spelled Blair Rd. No, it's Bel Air Rd.
Because it's spelled like Bel Air.
Yeah, it's but they. Pronounce it Blair.
Yeah, because they're country bumpkins up there.

(01:28):
They can suck. They're in Essex, I don't give a
shit. They don't wanna listen to you
so. It's like if you go north up to
Tawnytown, but it's spelled likeTannytown it.
Is Tannytown? Yeah.
It's true town here. Here in Maryland, Yeah.
And you know, it could be Tosin to some outsiders, but it is
Tosin. No, it's Tosin to Siri.
It's not Tosin to anyone else. That's not true I've heard.

(01:50):
I've heard out outsiders call itTosin or.
Tinsville, I hate cats. Yeah, or Ellicott.
City. Yeah, Ellicott City.
All right, we're done. We're.
Moving forward, Moving forward from pronunciations, where are
you from? When were you first introduced
to recovery? I was first introduced to
recovery in 2020 actually duringCOVID by my therapist.

(02:11):
That was like, you have some issues, OK, you should try to
find some help. And at first I was like, I don't
want to be a part of a community.
Covid's going on, I don't want to be around anyone or anything.
So that was the first time I started finding out about it.
It took me like another what, like six months before I

(02:32):
actually went to my first meeting virtually.
No, actually it was in person. Wild enough.
It was like end of September, October, they started opening up
some meetings down there and up there.
I mean, and you know, I I just came to a point where I was just
spiritually dead. I was like, OK, maybe I should

(02:55):
really give this a chance because I just have nothing left
in me to give. Like, I was just so done with my
using at that point. My first meeting, though, I
walked in and I swear it was like, oh, it was like 75 people.
It was crazy. People were just happy to go
back. Yeah, yeah, man.
People Carroll County savages. People were so ready to go back.

(03:19):
There was like, apparently from what I heard, a bunch of like
outside meetings and everything too that were going on for a
minute. That was the first time it had
actually been like inside again,but just like hearing the
readings and everything, I was like, this is too much.
And since I and I didn't really understand Narcotics Anonymous,
I didn't understand alcohol was a drug.

(03:40):
So my last two years of using was just drinking.
So I actually my first meeting Iwent up and got a multiple year
key tag instead of a white key tag first.
Meeting, yes, good for you. And then and then after some
time, I'm going to meetings. People started talking to me.
They're like, and after hearing the readings, I'm like, wait,

(04:02):
alcohol is a drug? And then I had to go back and
get my white key tag. It's.
A sham. All right.
Well, how much clean time do youhave?
I have three years, 11 months since some odd days.
My clean date's 9/14/2020 so it's coming up right around the
corner. Hell yeah, Hell yeah.
By the time this airs you will have four years so.

(04:25):
Congratulations. Yeah.
God willing, yes. So with all of that out of the
way, turn it over to you. Share your story with us.
All right, yes. So, you know, I was born and
raised up in Westminster. Good blue collar family.
I'm like, I'm really like the first addict in my family.
Like my how? Many brothers and sisters.

(04:46):
I got two brothers. They're twins, actually.
We're only a year and a half apart.
They're my best friends, yeah. So they basically had like Irish
triplets. Yeah, really.
Like so many people thought we were triplets growing up
actually. But they're older and have like
fuzzy faces now so we don't looklike anymore.
Okay. And I joked with my mom, I'm

(05:07):
like, I just need to grow a beard then people will keep
thinking we're triplets. She's like please for the love
of God, no there. You go.
Yeah, right. The Bearded lady was a staple at
every sideshow attraction for years.
It was. Solid.
He's still here. I hate, I hate Eric's in a
completely different room so I don't even see him.
It's really so I and then he just comes in like the fucking

(05:28):
ghost of Christmas past. Like, oh, that's really cool.
Like. Fuck off I know just hearing him
in my ear and I'm like where? That.
Yeah. Where did that come from?
What? Is that came?
From across this fucking dank basement.
Anyway, bearded lady, go. So yeah.
Eric, shut the fuck up. OK, anyway.

(05:53):
So yeah, I mean, I grew up like in a really good Christian
household. I was in Girl Scouts.
I was a musician, did like all, all the good things growing up.
You know, it was a nice, like, my favorite will always be Thin
Mints and they have to be frozenfirst always.

(06:14):
So I was just like really involved in life, like my mom,
like that was like her thing wasvolunteering like she's like the
ultimate extrovert. But like a lot of times growing
up, I just, I didn't feel right being involved in all of that.
You know, I felt these. Merit badges are a sham.

(06:35):
I felt like anxious a lot being in school.
I had hard times focusing or like making friends.
I always just, like, felt different from everybody, you
know? My first obsession, though, was
music. Like playing.
Like, I played saxophone for years.
Yeah. And I wasn't one of those that

(06:55):
like just played game 4th. And I never played but I.
Didn't know that I learned a Carly tidbit today.
Things are looking up. The more you know.
There you go. So I just like made music like
my life and my everything for somany years.
Tenor sax, What are we talking? Alto Alto and I would play and

(07:18):
practice like every day. It was just kind of like my way
of escape for a while. So as life kept going on, you
know, I started like getting like different like mental
illness and everything. The more of like not feeling a
part of just kept growing. And it was.
Wait time out real. Quick.
But this totally just popped into my head.

(07:38):
Sorry. You're born in 97?
Yeah. Do you remember 911?
I don't actually. I was like, you're four.
Yeah, I'm like, you were four. I'm like, do you remember?
Like, no, it was a weird day, okay?
That's fine, yeah. There's nothing on TV that day.
That's what I remember. Yeah, there was.
What did you have? ATVI did I?
I couldn't find a channel that wasn't playing something about,

(08:01):
you know, things. Hitting.
Oh, you mean like there was nothing else on TV?
Got it. Yeah, that's what I remember
about that day, Yeah. OK, anyway, keep.
Going, no, you're good, you're good.
But yeah, I don't remember it, but I remember like, learning a
few years ago and be like, that happened while I was alive,
like, you know, yeah, at least I'll always remember COVID.

(08:26):
That's. Good, right?
We'll always have. We'll always have COVID.
So yeah, where was I? I don't know.
My first introduction to drugs though, was when I was like in
high school and after playing indoor soccer with friends, we
would come back to my parents house and put liquor in our
Slurpees, like our seven elevens.

(08:49):
That's nice. What kind?
Of liquor, That's the way to go,yeah.
You know, whatever liquor my parents had in their old bar,
fair enough, You know, fair enough.
And once I started finding that,like, it was making me happier.
And I'm like, because I'd been really sad.
I was self harming. I didn't know how to connect
with people and everything. And I also just like, didn't

(09:10):
know how to share it like with my family or my friends.
Like I just felt like no one really understood who I was like
this, like the separation of reality from other people.
What kind of music were you listening to?
A. Lot, a lot of metal and scream,
yeah, I'm like. That tracks.
Yeah, metal head and a lot of rap too.

(09:34):
I thought you were a hippie. I went through.
God damn it, every time he says something.
I'm just. Curious.
I'm just asking. I went.
Through a phase of that too. Man, I'm really into jam bands
too. Oh God.
Like Lotus or like Grateful Deador.
Pan out here. Grateful Dead?
Yes. You're a fish head.
You're gonna catch a friend. To the forehead, are you?

(09:55):
Are you gonna listen to some Trey?
My morning jacket's one of my favorites, OK?
That's good. That's better I.
Don't know. Do you know who they are, David?
Oh my God, David, you don't knowwho's.
My morning, my my hippie bands stop at like 1969.
If it happened if if it happenedafter that, it's not a real
hippie band. It's a bunch of fucking posers.
I'm not interested in that bunch.
Of posers. Anyways, sorry.

(10:18):
No, you're good. So you're you.
Have liquor slushies. You can't.
You can't talk to anybody listening to death metal and
hippie music. Go yeah, so and there's just
like a lot of just like bullyinggoing on where I just like, I
don't know, people are calling me names.
I just couldn't fit in with anybody and it really just

(10:40):
sucked. And then once I my first like
like drug, drug was like weed and I'll never forget like the
first time I got high and I've just been chafed you.
Get high the first time. Yeah, that I was 16 and it was
smoking weed. And some guy I'd kind of just
met picked me up from like, after a theater show, right,

(11:02):
Because I was a theater kid and everyone else was going out to
get pizza. And I'm like, oh, I'm going to
go out with this random guy and get high, you know?
That's exactly what I did. And after that, I was like, I
was like, and that was it. I was searching and trying to
get high all the time. I was going to, you know, crack
houses like downtown, like Westminster and everything on

(11:25):
the weekends. And just like it did, yeah, it
really did party on the weekends, sneaking out like my
mom's minivan. And, you know, it kind of got,
it got really bad when I went off to college.
I went to this college, Elizabethtown, up in
Pennsylvania. It's like outside of Lancaster.

(11:47):
And I don't know, just my fucking.
Ghosts. That reminds me of the birds
from The Dark Crystal. Oh my God.
Yes. Yeah, like the gaffling.
Anyways, so my my roommate and I, we both really like to smoke

(12:13):
weed. So it was just like it was game
over every day. I was constantly high failing of
my classes. I I just didn't stop like I, I
was like, what is going on with me?
But I was enjoying it at the same time.
And one of the craziest things to me was people.
They would get black out and I would still be like totally in

(12:35):
the moment, like where's more. And I remember they'd show like
videos the next morning and they'll be like, and I'd be
doing ridiculous stuff that I knew I was doing.
Everyone be like, Oh my God, curiously, can't believe you did
that. Like do you remember this?
And I'm like, no, not at all. Do I remember?
What? No, We'll ask that at the end.
Keep going. But obviously I flunked out,

(12:57):
right? I didn't go to any of my
classes. I wasn't studying at all.
So when I came back, you know, Ifound other friends.
It just kept finding it, kept going for it.
And that's when I got introducedto like pills and heroin for the
first time. I'll like, I'll never forget my

(13:21):
dad and I got into like a huge fight 'cause he found my weed
and and he was like, this is terrible.
I can't believe you're doing allthis.
Actually, I used to stash my stuff in an old saxophone case
because you couldn't smell like it.
You couldn't get the smell from it.
Like it worked like gold. It was why?
Didn't you fucking play saxophone girl like?
I was not like talented in that way.

(13:43):
That's true. You're you're, you're a, you're
an athlete. Far from it.
I hear you. OK so weed in the sax case.
Yeah, and he found it. And I'm like, I could do so much
worse, You've no idea. And that's when I went and tried
heroin for the first time. You did heroin out of pure
spite, Yeah. That's And you wanna know That's

(14:03):
ballsy. You wanna know the dealer?
He was just like, Are you sure you wanna do this?
He. Asked me.
There's no friends, no. Friends, you're on the side of
adorable, so if you pop into a crack house, I'd be like, what
are you doing here? That would happen that would
like, I feel like that used to happen a lot like when you'd go
in the city and so. That happened to you too?

(14:24):
And where they're like, hey, youhave a Purdy mouth.
Yeah, People were like, Are you sure you're supposed to be here?
And it's like, yes, I want the heroine.
Yeah, you're yeah, you're a 5-6 white dude.
I know nowhere. Yeah, but I can shoot a lot of
dope. Jesus, that's true.
You really can. Anyway, I've actually never
copped in the city before. All my using was up in the

(14:46):
county or other cities and getting I know God if I ever
actually coming to NA is where Ilearned about a lot of stuff and
I was like. Find it right like they share
about in the meeting like I. Used to go on Pratt and Monroe
for about Philly. Just just put it right out
there, Eric. Well, yeah, they always say it

(15:07):
like, why not? I mean, yeah.
But our listeners don't know that.
So now some person from Saskatchewan can come to
Baltimore and go from. Saskatchewan that's that's
you're looking at my my pennantsIA. 100% I'm looking at
Saskatchewan and Rough Riders right now and I was like, Oh
yeah, I mean. Yeah, someone from Saskatchewan,
I. Don't know, maybe Canadians
really love hair. Isn't that middle like Canada?

(15:27):
Canadians love something when I was up there.
Ohh. What did they love?
Meth. Meth PCP something I.
Don't they like to get wet? Yeah.
Jesus, right? What are they gonna do?
Winners up there, right? Might as well just lose.
Have you tried the Maple flavored meth?
It's just the best. It's just the top is.
That a thing? No, no, no, no, no, no.

(15:50):
Me and my friend Zach had had a joke like there would be like
seasonal crack and be like, Oh yeah, it's pumpkin spice crack
season, It's gonna be great. And then right after that it's.
All. Dangerous.
The peppermint. The peppermint crack around
Christmas is just fantastic. Yeah, that's dude, if they
actually did seasonal like pumpkin spice fucking drugs.
Oh my God. You know how many white women be

(16:10):
addicted to heroin? I don't know if heroin's really
like a white woman. I feel like it's more like
something. But what if you could?
Something. What if you could?
Get the. Drip like seltzers that are
going around. Dude, you do a line and then the
drip tastes like pumpkin spice. I'm like stop.
Pretty dope. Well you know they are selling
bumpable cocaine caffeine now. This is horrible.

(16:33):
Anyway, OK, Yeah, OK, We've we've gone off the rails.
Sorry, Saskatchewan. I apologize.
You're in a crack house looking adorable.
Go. You're in a crack.
That's the name of your episode that.
Was pretty funny. Oh my God.

(16:57):
OK, so you're going to get heroin out of spite, OK?
Yeah, out of spite. And like, I don't know, I was
and I wasn't feeling high enough.
So I'm like, oh, I'm going to gosmoke weed on top of this.
And it was like the worst feeling in my entire life.
But then I kept doing it. You know, I kept going until I
like overdosed at 19 and got into a car accident just like

(17:18):
completely like I broke all the bones and like, like hospital
everything, all your bones. Like I, it was like I broke my
neck, my sternum, my back and everything.
I overdosed. Broke your sternum?
Yeah, man. I'm sorry, was that the what you
heard on that list? She said.

(17:39):
Her spine. I heard her sternum fuck her.
Sternum. You're so she was like, like
centimeters away from my heart. Yeah, man, like crazy.
And like see, don't use. And drive.
Gosh. One time, MC said the most
painful time she ever overdosed is they had to do something
called sternum rub. When like.
They open up your like. And she said it was the most

(17:59):
painful thing she has ever felt.So yeah, yeah.
When you said sternum, I'm like.So.
It was unimaginable like. List the bones again.
Your back, Your sternum. Yeah, my neck.
Your neck. Yeah, which what did you use
your back? How are you?
Doing it was a fucking like Toyota Sienna minivan dude.
You know Subaru. It wasn't a Subaru.

(18:20):
No, we were in like one of thoselike egg shape Honda, like
Hyundais or something. Yeah.
I bet if it was a Subaru you'd be OK.
I bet if you were in another room you'd shut the fuck up.
Oh wait, no you wouldn't anyway.So cheap.
I don't know. So that was my that was my first
overdose and what I did like I didn't, I didn't stop using at

(18:41):
that point. I just blamed pills and heroin.
So, and I blame the other people.
And so a lot of my using was just like going to other drugs
because it was the other drugs problem, right?
So after that I, I went, I was clean for a couple of months,
the healing and all that bullshit.

(19:02):
And I went to actually the doctor like only gave me a
certain amount. And he, I remember him looking
at me like the OR, like the, theICU doctor, he's like, you need
to stop with these. I'm only give you a certain
amount and your mom's going to hold on to them and then you're
going to stop after this and never go back to them.

(19:22):
You need to promise me this. You're too young, bastard.
Right, that guy can go fuck himself.
He probably saved her life. Eric.
No. No, he didn't.
No, he didn't. Yes, he.
Did shut up, Eric. No, he didn't.
How long did you keep using keep?
Going. But I mean you were 19, so
another like. Four years but I never like I

(19:43):
never did pills again after thatso.
Saved your life. Yeah, Eric.
Yeah. Wait, what does that mean
though? Did you just do?
Hair. So no, I didn't do that either.
What I did, I went to weed and psychedelics.
Oh, fun. So I was like, I'm going to do
it like this more natural way and like.
Just drinking weed and psychedelics for the next couple

(20:05):
years and let me tell you, psychedelics are fucking
addictive. Like I keep telling people this
like that was my drug of choice for years.
I've met so many people like that.
Like what was it? Was it acid?
Both. Both.
What like good girl, What what made you do it?
Because I've met people who did like hallucinogenics everyday

(20:26):
and like I had a short month where I did it when I was like
18. But shit gets so Oh yeah,
fucking weird. And like it doesn't have
distorted. It doesn't work as well.
So like you have to be upping doses and like.
It's yeah. It seems like a what's the
problem quagmire. Like micro dosing constantly.
I wish I could admit Dan B before he fried himself.

(20:48):
Because, you know, dude, Dan B dude, he did acid.
Yeah. Herb told me he was like, yeah,
I used to shoot acid and I'm like, what?
Excuse me, what? He was like, yeah, I'd fucking
shoot acid because I want to peek now.
And it's like, Oh my. God, I mean I would do like the
actual like drops on your tongueand everything but never.

(21:10):
No, he would. No, he would.
Anybody out there, I'm sorry, Don't shoot acid.
So. Don't do acid at all.
Don't do acid at all. Yeah.
So anyway, you you, you take a left turn to hallucinogens, OK?
Yeah. And I was involved in like local
music groups and I don't know, we were just doing concerts and

(21:33):
like listening to music and hiking and just being in like
out in the woods in nature and just constantly high and
traveling to different cities. And I don't know, the thing that
really got me to go along with who you were asking, Eric, What
really got me with the hallucinogenics was I hated
myself so much and I wanted to be someone different when I

(21:58):
whenever I put to. Take hallucinogenics.
Whenever, whenever to. Disassociate.
Yeah, I was it. It was, it was a way to
disassociate like I wanted to. I know.
Do you hear that too? Yes.
Sorry, there's a child riding her bicycle upstairs because
we're in a basement now anyway. She would have been coming into

(22:20):
the room before. That's OK.
We would have nice, you know, interludes with Evie.
It's great anyway. So yeah, I just wanted to
disassociate with myself. And whenever I took it, I felt
like this confidence, like this false confidence, like I would
like had like a whole different persona.
Like I would dress different. I had a different name.

(22:41):
Like I just name it was Kitty. Are you a?
Wait, what? It was.
It was Kitty curiosity. Thank you Kitty curiosity.
Was it also double K? Yeah, it was.
Of course it was. I mean.
It sounds like a like a stripper.
Name. Tell me your middle name.
Say it like Oh my God it does. Tell me your middle name.
Tell me your middle name doesn'tstart with AK.

(23:03):
Just tell me your middle. Name it doesn't.
OK, my parents are at least semidecent.
I mean, that's a fair question. I mean like Kitty curiosity.
Yes, like the. Adventures of Kitty curiosity.
Pretty pretty much. And I just go around with my
saxophone, like just turn his balls.
Awesome. Oh my God, I wish I came.

(23:24):
Across you. Oh my God, Eric, that's going to
be amazing when you put it in the AI for a T-shirt.
Oh yeah, I know. Just this this like this.
Chick coming out of a crack house with a saxophone.
Oh my God, yeah. I tried his friend that lived in
Philly and that's what we would do, like go lip, go to his
little room in the bottom of this like old abandoned, like

(23:46):
what are just warehouse and everything.
What? Year is this.
Play music What? Year are we talking here?
This was. No, it couldn't have.
This was. Like 20/17/2018 yeah.
OK, 'cause I was like, if this is like 2007, I was like I was.
That would have made her 10. That's what I Yep, I did the
math real quick and I was like, no, no, no, no, that doesn't add

(24:07):
up. OK.
No, I was. I was probably trying to sell
you Girl Scout cookies at that point.
OK, so you're Kitty curiosity dude smoking meth with a
saxophone. Go.
No meth. No, she's never.
I'm sorry. She's.
On acid. Now.
Yes, she's on acid now. Sorry.
Oh. My God.

(24:28):
Yeah. And I was just.
So you had this whole new persona.
Wow. Yeah.
Curiosity living out of my little Honda CRV, driving around
just like, yeah, not having to care in the world.
And it was just, it was like that went on for a while.

(24:48):
And like, it came to a point where I was just acting like I
was like, I was a spiritual being from God because, you
know, I'd have these moments. And it was like, I don't know,
at the time, like I was still trying to be productive.
Like at the time, I still got anassociate's degree.
I don't know how or why, but I still like tried like went to

(25:12):
college and end up getting a degree during all of that.
And then I would go like crazy, like on the weekends, like I
thought I was like managing it, you know, and I don't know
where, where I'm going with this.
So it it kind of came to a head when I was part of a music
community called, I'm not going to put their name in here, but I

(25:34):
was part of a different music community and I met someone and
what he was like kind of like straight edge professional
firefighter. I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is
like the love of my life, you know?
And he's like, you got to stop all of that if you want to be
with me. And I was like, OK, you're gonna
save me. I'm only 21, you're gonna save

(25:55):
me and give me a better life. No, it turns out he's a full
blown addict too. And, you know, psychotic A.
Fighter that does drugs. No, not drinking.
Yeah, but I mean, that's drugs. Well, it's for the stress, a lot
of it like. I get it.

(26:15):
It's just, it's just a very common thing.
I, I think they, they all, they're all tough jobs.
I. Yeah.
Even what our friend does now like that's, that's a tough job
too. All the first responder jobs,
Donnie, what he does for. Oh, Donnie's not shred.
We'll get into that later. Keep going, that can be
stressful. That do you?

(26:36):
I understand that, but Donnie isDonnie.
Oh, so you're you're just thinking Donnie's above it, OK.
No, below it. We'll get.
We'll get. To it later.
Go ahead, keep going. You have a drunk firefighter,
go. But.
You are. Yeah.
And it was just, it was toxic. It was horrible.
I moved down to Fredericksburg, VA, for a while, and yeah, it

(26:59):
was all right. I mean, it was a cute town.
No, Fredericksburg, like beautiful.
I don't know. At the same time, you Yeah, we
actually live like on an old battlefield and I swear like.
But I mean, after you come off. Well, I hit the mic OK.
After you come off of like acid for a while, like I still see
all your. Ghosts.
Yeah, I swear I would see like, generals walking by me if I was

(27:20):
by like by myself in the place and everything.
So we're actually living on a battlefield.
So I'm like, is this real? Is this not real?
Like and. Thank you for asking.
Yeah, right. Like I had just visions for like
another couple of years. Yeah, it was crazy.

(27:41):
Like seeing shadow people and all kinds of stuff.
Oh yeah, the good old hat man. I miss you, buddy.
Oh, we're not sharing here, so it's not the trust tree anymore.
OK, keep going. I don't know, that was just like
a really dark time in my life. Like I, I wasn't going out and

(28:01):
having fun. It just got really like got
really depressed. I was drinking a lot.
I had no friends. It was like the first time that
I really found like dark isolation in my using it got a
taste of it. I'm like, OK, this is really
starting to go downhill. Like this isn't fun anymore.

(28:21):
I was just like using him for his money, blowing all of it,
like trying to, you know, tryingto find out who I was, but I
couldn't get a grasp on it because like I, I had, I had
nothing. I had nothing, right.
I was still trying to get like involved in like spiritual

(28:44):
organizations and like yoga typeof stuff.
I don't know, there was one where I was doing like this.
I would go to this one place andwe would do sound Baz every
week. And I was trying to like use
that as like connections to the universe and it was kind of
scary. I don't know, I just felt like I
got into such a dark place with things and the abuse that

(29:07):
happened my final and, and actually I tried to get clean
again. That was like my second
overdose, like seizure, like coming alcohol off of alcohols
like no joke. Like I had like seizures and
everything that was that was freaking terrifying.

(29:28):
So left that and went back home and this was like the end of
2019 and I was just like a completely broken person.
And this is when I met that therapist and she's like, you
should try NA And I'm like no. And then the whole pandemic shut
down and I was just like in my parents basement depressed, like
literally just so broken as a person and no hope for life and

(29:52):
just drinking. And I mean, and there, and there
really isn't much like I, I was trying to like work at a, at one
place where I was like fixing instruments.
I'm like, I'm going to keep being a musician and everything.
And, and actually before that I had a band and everything.
So there was like some hope thatwas going on.
Like we were travelling around playing like bluegrass and folk

(30:14):
music, which was pretty cool. Our band was probably whiskey.
So nice. You know, that was I get a
little sad when I talk about those years, you know, because.
It is sad. Yeah, like, I mean, the years
where I was like smoking weed and acid and driving around
doing all this music and everything, but those years,

(30:36):
they just like, they hurt. Like I think about them like
Dang, there's nothing really great or fun other than that.
I was an addict that was so spiritually dead and didn't want
to live anymore and had no hope for life.
No ambitions, no finances, nothing, nothing to gain or to
grasp. And it came to a head where like

(30:59):
when I would, we would just be like partying at a friend's
house and I just, I just couldn't stop.
Like my parents were normally. So I'm like, I can be normal and
everything with them and go to breweries with them and stuff.
And I remember my last day usingwas brewery hopping like with my

(31:19):
parents and yeah, and I'm like, I'll drive, I'll just have like
1 beer will be fine. No, it got totally smashed and
was with them and driving us home and like came so close to
like almost like killing us on 70.
Luckily we didn't get in an accident, but like came to a

(31:41):
point where I don't know. It's just, it was just that
moment where like time froze fora second and I'm like, I almost,
yeah, I, I, I can't explain it, but I almost got us into this
accident where we would have just like killed all of us
instantly. And I'm like, I can't.
Like I have come to a point where I've almost like
completely hurt my family. Like I've kept it separated just

(32:01):
enough to where it wasn't like Ididn't think it was directly
affecting them and their life. Like I was OK with it killing
me, but not them. And so when it came to a point
where I was about to kill them too, and like and like ruin
them, I was like, I have to stop.
I can't do this anymore. And that was like one of my

(32:22):
first spiritual awakenings. And that's when I went back to
my therapist. I'm like, so what's this NA
thing that you're talking about?And that's how I started getting
involved. And yeah, I've, I've thank God,
but I've, I've never been arrested.
I've never gone to a rehab before.

(32:43):
I've never been through any of that.
But it doesn't change things, you know, like I came into
recovery with a car. And but what I'm realizing is
like the unmanageability was like not being able to be like a
productive member of society, not being able to hold a job and
pay for my own bills or like just be able to, you know, take

(33:05):
care of my mental well-being andbe there for other people and
take care of them. And that was like my spiritual
awakening that I had, but that so that was that was a lot of
that was my using over the years.
It was kinda. So how'd you get from
Westminster recovery to here? So the reason I moved down here

(33:26):
is because the 1st 3 1/2 years of my recovery, I was with
someone and we were engaged and came to a point where we just
weren't working anymore. We weren't happy together
anymore and I was feeling that same like spiritual depression

(33:46):
like I did when I was using likeback in 2020.
I'm like, why am I still feelinglike this spiritual dread and
hating myself and hating my lifeeven even after all these years
clean like what's going on? Like, I might as well have the
drugs in my body at that point. When I started thinking of that
and wanting to use every day again, that's when I got scared

(34:09):
and I was like, I have to do something different.
Yeah. So my sponsor already lives down
here. And she, she's been my sponsor
for two years. We had like a sponsor, Carrie.
Oh yeah. Nice, that's.
My girl, so she's been my sponsor for like 2 years.
I've been trying to get her on the podcast but scheduling but
we'll get her. Yeah, you will.
And she's got a fun story. Oh yeah.

(34:34):
So yeah, I, I and I always had in the back of my head and it
kept coming up over and over again.
I'm like, I could just go down there.
There's so much better recovery.I can restart my life.
I can just move into a recovery house and just try a whole new
way. Yeah.
And now let's. Just give.
The finger. To the microphone like.

(34:55):
I'll join. You suck.
It was I. Got a?
Lot of friends they might. I got a lot of friends out
there. They're they're, they're good
people, but you can't compete with West Side.
No, you can't. There it is.
I totally forgot. You were here, Eric.
God damn it. Anyway, so you're here now.

(35:15):
You, you you make the decision. Columbia West Side, OK.
Yeah, and honestly, it was the best decision I've ever made for
my life, other than the decisionto get clean, like the people
that I've met down here, the meetings, but also just like the
spiritual. I keep saying that word, but

(35:36):
like the freedom, finding myselflike disconnecting from that
life, like I grew up in Westminster, used in
Westminster, got clean in Westminster and I'm like, I need
to. I just need to separate myself.
I need to find out who I am as aperson, figure out what I'm
doing. What do you?
What maybe? That's my problem.

(35:57):
Maybe I need to get out of Keatonsville?
I commend it man. Like go and like find out, find
a new place that you didn't live.
Honestly, like I've learned moreabout myself than ever.
Disclosure this is my bestie. She can't go anywhere unless.
It's with me so but you don't like change?
Even just going to the basement is too much.

(36:18):
What are you gonna? Do what are you gonna do here?
Like the basement was way too much for David.
Like there's like smaller changes that David can't handle.
Hate you on somebody else, Eric.Eric, how are you doing back?
There in a room, by yourself. I'm great.
He is in the world of his dreamsright now.
He's like, oh, I'm just living in my fucking lighthouse.
A selfish move. Yeah, in my life.

(36:39):
Entirely. He was like, how can I?
How can I disassociate even more?
Oh, I can put more than a partition between me and the
people in my house. Yes.
No, this is for better audio andcooler videos.
Go on. So you need to you needed to
find Chris Kirsten here in West Side.

(37:00):
I call it myself. Yeah, it did, You know, because
I didn't realize that, you know,you can be clean trying to work
the steps, doing all these things.
And still be miserable. Yeah, like, that is so weird.
Like I'd hear people talking about that.

(37:22):
I was actually telling someone this last night at a meeting.
There is this person from my oldarea what I did.
You go to Kara's anniversary. No, no, I went to keep it real.
Congratulations, Kira. You just.
Yeah, she just celebrated last. Night.
Congrats. Yeah, I wasn't able to make it.
But what I was talking to someone and what I had like a

(37:44):
little over a year clean and someone with a little over three
years Kleen was sharing like, I'm just going through all this
stuff in my life. I like I'm spiritually dead.
I'm not doing well. I'm having to humble myself and
move into a recovery house again.
I remember laughing, like, how Can you imagine having to do
that? That sucks.
Like, what are they doing wrong?Like they just need to do better
with their recovery. Like I judge them so hard.

(38:04):
And here I am doing the same exact thing.
Like I had to move into this recovery house or I was going to
use. Like I needed those rules again.
I needed that structure again. I came down here with no money,
no job, nothing. Just like actually when I.
Oh, so you're in a recovery house down here?
Yeah. Oh, cool.
Like I, I had to, I had to like.Wait, there's a woman's recovery

(38:25):
house here? Yeah, like in Colombia.
In Colombia, OK. Jessica's house?
Yep. Yeah, so it's been.
Jessica. Jessica.
Yeah. And honestly, it was like, it's
been one of the best decisions. Like I all the lessons that I've
had to learn. I didn't realize that when I was
in a recovery house for the first time, I didn't take it

(38:46):
seriously. I didn't learn the things that I
needed to. And I went back to my old
patterns and behaviors while clean, while everyone was
telling me not to. And that's why, of course, like
I was just maintaining it, trying to get better and it
wasn't going anywhere. Nothing, nothing was OK.
And I started blaming it like onanother, like the other purse,

(39:07):
the other party again. And it's all kind of coming full
circle because I'm on step 8 now, seeing my part in
everything. And I'm at this place where I'm
like figuring out who I am and changing.
And I'm like, OK, what is my part in my life and how I
interact with other people that's led me to this place of

(39:29):
being having this amount of clean time and not, I mean, I've
I've gotten somewhere, but just not doing OK.
Yeah, right. And not seeing the growth in the
progress. So that's like a lot of what
this is just like figuring out who I am, trying to be like a
better part of society and breaking the patterns that are

(39:51):
just as toxic and bad as like how as they were when I was in
my active addiction. Yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah, all. Right.
Well, we definitely have some questions for you.
OK, here we go. What do you got?
I don't wanna go first today. OK.
Eric Fuck. You.
No, David, you go first. I was gonna.

(40:16):
Didn't need permission. We'll start with a fun one, so
Christina Martin's Christina. Yeah.
Yeah, so she abducted a donkey at one point in her.
Listen to her podcast. It's fantastic.
So we have, you know, we on other podcasts have asked people
what is their donkey story, whatis just something so outlandish

(40:39):
and insane that they did that you can remember.
Yeah. She abducted a donkey, took it
to the gas station and then brought it back.
She left her dog where the donkey was, you know, as like,
yes, As like collateral. Yeah, Collateral.
Here, have my collie as collateral.
Here you go. I'm going to take your donkey
for a spin. Do you have a donkey story?

(41:04):
I. Do we all have one?
It's just always so hard to think of it on the spot.
Yeah, I think it took me like 4 episodes to finally figure mine
out. Yeah, but when you do it, I was
like Carly, goodness. Well, the gnomes is good.
Yeah, the NEMS is good feeling. This is always.
The gnomes is fantastic. Well, I do.

(41:26):
I do like not it. Doesn't have to.
I do want about. Stealing something I do.
OK, Yeah. But I know the store.
Hold on. I just gotta think about it for
a second. Maybe can we do another question
and I'll come back. Fair enough.
OK, fair enough. OK.
Who said you could get to? OK, good.

(41:48):
Point, so the one point you story you said you were one of
those OK like spiritually dead, you moved home, you went to
therapy, was that your idea to start therapy and like what
pushed you in that direction butnot in a direction to try to get

(42:08):
clean at that .0. That's a good question.
Definitely went into therapy. I'd already been doing it for a
while actually, because I have like other mental illness that I
deal with. And I was just trying to find, I
was just trying to see what other things would help me

(42:31):
because I wasn't ready to admit that I was an addict yet.
I thought it was everything elseand there were other things
outside of myself that were going to fix me.
And I mean, therapy has helped definitely, but I thought like,
if I did that, that's going to give me my answers.
It'd be my end all, be all and fix me.
It took me a while to realize that I was an addict and that

(42:54):
the disease of addiction is really what drives a lot of what
I do and who I am and the pain Ifeel.
All right. OK, Eric.
What have you worked all the steps?
She just said she's on step 8, dingbat.
OK, hold on. I could.
Have gone through all 12 first though.
She could have. No, not yet.
So out of the steps that you've worked, what is your favorite

(43:15):
steps? Yes.
Spiders down here, Eric. I have a fucking basement, of
course there's spiders down. Are you afraid of spiders?
No, but apparently Carly is so. I had to.
Oh. I'm not afraid to kill them.
Oh, it's dead. Oh, I'm not scared of them.
But it was crawling on like the cords and stuff.
I thought you. Were.
It had some. Wrong like B.
It was heading towards mine. I'm sorry.

(43:36):
Normally I don't kill spiders. Everybody out there, I
apologize. I thought my I was protecting.
That just hurt me. I was protecting my bestie.
So nice if you if it had to die,it had to die.
But out of the steps you've worked so far, Kirsten, which
one is your favorite? Sex.

(43:56):
That's a gritty. One you like sitting in it.
That's a gritty 1. I actually, I sat in four.
I didn't sit in six. I really the.
Great thing is, if you sit in six, you can use all your
character defects as long as youwant.
As long as you don't do it, you get to keep them.
It's true, you never gave them to God.
I'm kidding. Keep.
Going that's not that's not good.

(44:17):
No, that is. I don't think that's right.
Sponsor anybody? Does he?
Jesus well. We won't go there.
We won't go there, not I wasn't going to go.
There. Not anymore.
It's going to take 15 minutes. David's going to cry.
Keep going. Shut up, dude.
So 6 I really liked because you know, I've been living with
these defects my entire damn life.

(44:38):
So just to my sponsor had me fora week like out of my top 10
defects, how I would see them every day in my life and write
about them and how they were playing in my life.
And then the week after that, the spiritual principles that
oppose those 10 defects, a character and then spend a whole

(45:03):
week focusing on that and writing about when they would
come up. So I'm definitely like a type A
person. I like answers.
I like answers to my problems. And step 6, I felt like gave me
a lot of the answers that I was searching for, like, OK, you
have these defects, here's finally the opposite of those

(45:23):
and how you can live it. And I was like, there we go.
Because I'm like, so in my own head, in my own self
centeredness, like I needed something to show me that
they're like, here's the other way to yeah, there was an
answer. To this.
Exactly. So that's I really love step 6.
That's when I started to see like a lot of spiritual change
within myself. I'm going to follow up on that.

(45:44):
OK, what are some of those top 10 character defects?
Coming hard these questions, David, I want to.
Be this we've done this before. Perfectionism control you're
looking over. Can I help you?

(46:05):
I love you, my little perfectionist.
Perfectionism. Control codependency.
Yeah. Fair warning, Eric's probably
going to ask you about that nextkeep.
Going all right, all right. You know, we're getting
vulnerable here, yes. Wait, wait.
What? What did you say, David?
I I missed that. Go ahead.

(46:27):
Nothing. Nobody, if you're not going to
be in the room with us living. Not in the room, Not in the
room. It was about codependence, yeah.
Shoot, I'm forgetting them now. Lust is one of them.
Procrastination. Ego.

(46:50):
Defect though, I mean. Is what is lust a defect?
Yes. Yes.
Absolutely. Ego is a really big one too.
Yeah, that's everybody. Yeah, OK.
Yeah. All right, That wasn't all 10,
but I'm not remembering them at the moment, no.
Yeah, it's on the spot. Is it my turn?

(47:13):
You keep trying to double. Up.
I don't know, ask the question. I did.
Sorry, do we? It was just, I don't know, go.
Do we have a donkey story yet? OK, Yeah, I think that's what I.
Looked at. Oh, right.
Procrastination killing you. Yeah, it is, damn it.
OK, I have one. OK.

(47:36):
All right, all. Right, so there is this one time
at a festival like this one timeat band camp.
It's a good. Start Yep at.
Band camp, It's called Peach Festival.
I don't know if anybody's ever been.
And we, so I there was this place where a lot of us would go

(48:01):
and play after all the bands were done for the night and we'd
stay up all night and it was called the Thunderdome and it
was just tents, just like duct taped together and shit.
So we were there and I had my saxophone and we were just
playing all night. And this is how funny I was as

(48:21):
an addict. Like this guy comes in with a
bowl. I thought it was packed with
weed but no answer to me and it was it was it was Chris.
And so I'm tripping malls, Crystal bed for the first time.
And it was so crazy. But The thing is, all the

(48:42):
hippies I was hanging out with, they don't like any of it.
We all didn't like that kind of stuff.
We're like, we're doing it more the natural way.
So this, so it's like a thunderstorm outside, like
pouring down rain and everything.
This is all going on. And I look at the guy and I'm
like, what is your problem, man?Yeah, I throw the ball and
everyone's like, I was like, youneed to get out of here with

(49:05):
that. We only want weed in the real
natural stuff. So I'm like this addict, like
telling this guy to get out of here with these drugs and
everything. And everyone's just like like no
meth, no meth, no. And we kick them out.
And now we just light up joy to take more mushrooms and go nuts

(49:27):
and just never forget just. That was.
Something that's hilarious, likefree drugs.
And I'm like, no, they're not the right drugs.
They're. Not the right drugs.
We know that shit. That's funny that.
Was OK. What do you got, Carly?
All right. As a kid, you said you were
really involved Girl Scouts, music.

(49:50):
But you didn't feel right, Couldn't fit in.
Yeah. How?
Just from hearing your story, seems like you are really
involved in recovery in the rooms.
Have you had that feeling of notbeing able to fit in and how
have you gotten like past that if so?
In the rooms, yeah, I've had a lot of moments like that.

(50:15):
I actually was dealing with thatbefore I came down here,
especially with like, like otherwomen in recovery, you know,
because you know, they, they allhave their other friends or
they've been clean for a lot longer.
I love the Westminster women, but they are tough to break

(50:36):
into. And I tried, I tried for years,
right? And I just, I never felt like
they cared, like when I when I moved down here and instantly,
like a bunch of women from Carrie's network were like,
let's all get together and let'sdo something.

(50:58):
And that was like the day of. And they took me to meetings and
everything. And the next morning I woke up
the text like, how are you? Are you OK?
And I'm like, what is this? It goes a whole new thing to me.
Yeah. And but what I've always just
told myself is like, I'm not meant to stay here.
And I already know that. Like, I knew that in my heart.
And I'm like, I'm my people are somewhere else and I'll be able

(51:20):
to find them one day. But I also was kind of using
that as a mechanism, not reach out to others, you know, So I've
really had to deal with a lot with like being vulnerable
humility. Recently.
I, I was just wearing a lot of masks.
You know, I was always like hiding who I was because I'd
been hurt by so many people. And I'm trying to like open up

(51:44):
more now and be like myself around people.
I still like struggle of it, like struggle with it and like
find jealousy and everything. You're like actually being able
to open up to people where I'm at, but not always that just
like enjoying time with people and having fun and making
friends. So it's like it's a like a
learning process, you know, every day I'm just trying to

(52:07):
like reach out to some people, still make sure I'm taking care
of myself, but I was just tryingto be like my true authentic
self. Like, that's what I'm trying to
focus on, but it it gets hard sometimes, you know, like
feeling lonely no matter where you go.
Yeah. You don't know that feeling.

(52:29):
No. I love you so much, Eric.
What do you got? So you mentioned codependency.
It sounded like the firefighter was your like codependent, maybe
beginning. And actually during all the acid
time, I had a boyfriend before that too, so.

(52:51):
His name His name was Rain. Well, just because rain and And
what was it, Kitty curiosity? Hi, I'm Rain.
I'm Rain. Sage Moss.
How are you doing? Oh what's?
What's up bro? I'm Kitty curiosity.
I can smell your Patchouli from here.
I'm. Sorry, it's with that that was
rude. I'm sorry, So what are you

(53:14):
doing? Especially cuz I think recovery
is really, especially early, which you're not in early
recovery anymore, but early recovery can be really bad for
codependency. Cuz you latch on to this group
of people you're all getting clean with and everyone's on
their little fucking pink cloud.And then, you know, people start
to like, remember, Oh yeah, I'm like, I have to like work and do

(53:38):
all this other stuff and I can'tjust do recovery.
So like how? Dissertation for his question.
Have you managed, David? Go no, no, just ask your
question. How have you managed your
codependency like from addictionto now?
Well, I actually haven't. Because great answer.

(54:00):
There he goes. Because at four months clean, I
got together with the man I justleft to move down.
Here I was four months clean andI didn't make strong connections
with women because I was living with him and made him my
everything and left to recovery.Alison.
Was he your higher power? Yeah, yeah, I'm going to be dead

(54:20):
honest. I'm.
I'm tired of hiding shit. Yeah, he was my higher power for
years. He was right.
Like a week before we broke up, I was trying on wedding dresses
and I was like, whoa. I was like, I'm not doing this
anymore, you know? And wow.
And it's been. Had you put any like, were there
any like down payments on like? No.

(54:41):
Venues or anything? OK.
Well, that's good. We were gonna go in my parents
backyard. Were you engaged?
Yeah. Yeah.
You were engaged, Yeah. Yeah, what have you been doing
back? Yeah, what have you done?
You've not been listening. Taking a nap?
Yeah. I'm, I'm checking the levels and
shit, you know? You're doing great.
Thank. You I know what?
He no, he's looking at his promos for betting.

(55:03):
No, I'm actually looking at Reddit right now.
There you go. What?
What threat are you on? I'm on.
Hold my Cosmo. I'm on I bleach right now.
OK, fair enough. Keep going.
Sorry. So yeah, I really wasn't
managing it. Well.
Actually, right now is the firsttime I've in as long as I can

(55:25):
remember where I'm actually alone and I'm not talking to
another person and I'm not dating another person because I
use men like drugs. I do.
And so that's. Why men are the worst drugs?
That's why the first few years of my recovery, I feel like I
didn't have the spiritual growthor anything because I was just
using another one of, of my drugs to hide from finding like

(55:50):
who I am and accepting my disease, you know, So I really,
the past two weeks I've been managing my codependency well,
like. It'll start somewhere like I'm.
Two weeks clean of codependency.That's great.
You just There we go. So you just got out of a four
year relationship in two weeks ago?
No 2 1/2 months, but you know. That's fresh, yeah.

(56:14):
But pattern so of course instantly attached myself to
someone else as soon as I came down here and.
Wait, you already? You found a new boyfriend
already? I started too and then I stopped
it because I listened to my network and I'm making changes
today. Smart.
Good. And it sucked and it hurt and I
made a mistake. But we're trying.

(56:37):
I'm trying. I like I I've heard it a million
times, just women saying no, we have men was drug and I'm just
like, that is just the worst choice of a drug forever.
You don't even get high. There's no like what is the
point of this shit? Really, really, really, dudes.
No. I mean, they make us feel good

(56:57):
about ourselves. Why?
To a point, you know, we, we don't feel good.
I mean, that's that's at least for me.
I mean, the high was the sex andthen you move on.
Yeah, exactly. So it's like, what are what are
you doing for the other, you know, 23 1/2 hours of the day
you're. Like spend 24 hours with that

(57:18):
person and then move on to the next.
Yes, I was in a you are like AI was in a pattern in yeah, high
school, college, where it was like I'd set my mind on
something and be like, all right, that one.
And then I'd spend my time to dothat, and then I'd move on.
Yeah, yeah, A. Spider.
With and that. Was like that was like the.
You leave me out here with thesesucky business?

(57:39):
Eric, what's wrong with you? And then if that one does
something like imperfect, then you get the next one.
Yeah, yeah. Just I'm gonna move on fast.
Yeah, this is the first time in my life I don't have a next one.
It's kind of crazy. I feel weird, like
uncomfortable, but I'm sitting in it crazy all right?
Well you did say lust is a defective yours with

(57:59):
codependency. So he got he got some work cut
out. I didn't.
Realize I was sitting next. To I do.
Harlots but. Harlots, Harlots.
Wow, I'm going. To be honest, I just really
wanted to use that word. It was a perfect use.
I'm I'm glad you moved your little thing to the basement.
Made you uncomfortable. That's a shame.
God damn it. Is it my turn or your?

(58:22):
Turn. It's your turn.
It's your turn. You talked about being raised in
a good Christian family, but then you said you kept having
spirituality come up. So religion versus spirituality.
OK, so religion to me is a form of rules that someone wants to

(58:46):
follow to live their life and whatever they, it depends on the
set of rules that they want to follow.
At the end of the day, it all leads to some kind of greater
good and energy that helps you feel better about your life.
OK. So yeah, that's the difference
between religion and spirituality for me.
OK. You know, like I, I have a lot
of Christian values, but I also have a lot of Buddhist values,

(59:08):
you know, and a lot of just likeunderstanding, just meditation
and being a good person. Like what are my, what are my
values? What are my principles?
And how am I going to do better every day for myself and others?
And that's what it really comes down to.
And I and so I don't really follow any specific religion

(59:32):
because I feel like I those kindof rules will just like like box
me in a little bit, you know, soI grabbed from all of them.
But still that's what like NA was my higher power at the
beginning. Like the rooms, they still kind
of are like the literature and everything really.
Like I swear my higher power talks to me through the
literature and that's what I really grasp onto.

(59:56):
Like it's OK to have something that's greater than yourself
that doesn't conform to something and you can believe in
and just. Has love for you.
Yeah. And that's and for me and just
my experience because I've like,you know, I've been coming up,
I'm coming up on 12 years. I've been here for a while.
Yeah, man. Beware of making NA your your

(01:00:20):
higher power make it more recovery because NA is still you
know it. Any, any particular practice or
program or whatever, just like you said, it can box you in.
Yeah. And I've been able to really
just like set my recovery free to an extent.

(01:00:42):
Like I absolutely love NA and I participate in NA and it's
fantastic. But you know, there's a lot of
values you can get from Celebrate Recovery and SMART
Recovery and all these other like it's, it's like the market
is not cornered for all of our listeners by Narcotics
Anonymous. There's a ton of different ways
to, you know, recover and gain different spiritual lessons and

(01:01:05):
values and, you know, ways to recover.
So, you know, don't necessarily make one of them your higher
power. That was it.
That's my two cents. Eric, do you have any final
questions? Can we make a comic book about
Kitty curiosity? Oh.
My God. Like a graphic novel, you know?

(01:01:25):
And it's like it's about your your exploits while you're
tripping balls playing saxophone.
You're just that kind of would. That would be really good.
That kind of would be badass, like you could do like a whole.
Thing my Kitty. Curiosity.
Parliament, like Parliament Funkadelic, you know the front
of their records. Absolutely.
And they have, like, comic booksin the front of their albums,

(01:01:46):
yeah. Let's see, Collins can see
around corners. Yeah, you know why they changed
their band name so many times? They were just to get out of
recording contracts. Didn't they just have 3 brand?
Names. Wasn't it just Parliament?
It was. Parliament and then it was
Funkadelic, and that was Parliament Funkadelic.
And then it was P Funk. Then it was the P Funk All
Stars. Yeah, Yeah.
And because they would sign these contracts and then just be

(01:02:07):
like, fuck them. They like, I'm not making any,
like we're not. Well, OK, fine.
Parliament's broken up. We're now Parliament Funkadelic.
And yeah, so they would, they would do that shit to get out
of. That reminds me of another
story. Hey, do you want to hear it?
OK, I actually saw like George Clinton and Parliament
Funkadelic in DC. Yep, you know, took acid in the

(01:02:31):
bathroom once we got there so wecould be tripping all night.
As you do with. People and once the show started
and everything and it was just insane.
So actually got up on stage and got to dance and everything.
And then after that it was like in downtown DC.
So we're walking around like themain strip of like, the lake and

(01:02:52):
the Lincoln Memorial and all that stuff.
And the things that I was seeing, like, Oh yeah, the big
War Memorial, there were all these spiders.
So it's funny, we were talking about spiders.
That's what reminded me of it. Like they were just like covered
in spiders and the stars and just like running like all
around. In the World War 2 memorial.
Yeah, the World War 2 memorial, Yeah, everything was just like,

(01:03:15):
oh, spiders, man. And then the Pentagon was just
like going up to the sky. Tried to climb it.
The. Pentagon No, that's the not.
The Pentagon, The Washington Monument would because I was
thinking of points, so I went tolike the Washington Mommy, you
know, I'm sorry, my brain is slightly dead.
That's the biggest obelisk owner.

(01:03:37):
Fun fact. All right, any other questions?
No, Carly, Eric I. Don't care.
I'm all out of questions. So we would like to thank our
guest, Kirsten for joining us today.
Thank you guys so much for having me.
Absolutely fantastic job. One last quick minute to talk to
anybody out there who's struggling.
Needs to hear a message of hope.What do you have to say directly

(01:03:58):
to that? Just really just practice a 12
step program no matter what it is.
Take the time to write, take thetime to be with yourself, take

(01:04:19):
the time to draw, to trust another person that is also an
addict and has been through thatexperience because it will just
completely change your life. It'll help you find new parts of
yourself. Lose the fear, lose the desire,
just finally find some peace within yourself and some hope

(01:04:40):
for a better life and a better life will happen.
Just got to keep trying. Like a lot of people say one day
at a time, but I always say 1 moment at a time because
sometimes like it really is justthat and you never have to pick
up and you can actually have a good life.
Like if you have a few years clean and you want to change as
well because you feel like you're spiritually unwell, do
that too because the disease is incurable and will continue even

(01:05:07):
years into recovery no matter what.
But there is hope and ways to get out of it.
I'm living it right now. So it's.
Beautiful, fantastic, and thank you again for joining us here.
Let me see if I can do that. I'm I've been trying to do this
off the top of my head. All right here podcast recovery.
We're aiming to expand the scopeof support for recovering
addicts. Convenience and and

(01:05:28):
accessibility are paramount to combating addiction.
We believe that I'm fucking it up.
I don't know. Just like join, subscribe.
Yeah, most. Importantly, everybody, thank
you for joining us once again. I tried to do our monologue off
the top of my head. I fucked it up.

(01:05:49):
Yes. Go to all our social media
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Sprucing up the basement. And sprucing up the shit

(01:06:11):
basement, but most importantly, everybody out there.
Stay safe and stay clean. This basement's amazing.