Michelle Y. - How Mommy Got Better

Send us a text In this episode, Michelle Y. shares her experience, strength, and hope. Podcast Recovery is a forerunner in digitally accessible addiction recovery support. We provide ease and convenience to any and all seeking a message of recovery and hope. By broadcasting the stories of recovering addicts, we act as a complement to all other recovery services. We exist to create a global foundation platform, so that any addict may hear a message of strength and hope. We contribute educatio...

Episode Transcript

(00:03):
Welcome back to Podcast Recovery, everyone.
We're your host, David O. And Eric?
And tonight, tonight, not today,tonight doing a night special.
Almost like prime time. Monday night, yeah.
Prime time, Yeah. Right before Monday Night
Football, our very good friend Michelle Y is joining me as How
are you? I am doing well.
How are you tonight? I'm prime time, yeah.

(00:25):
Prime time. I'm doing well.
How about you, Eric? I'm good, I'm good, you know,
you know. Feels like Eric is like God.
Oh God, don't, don't do that to him.
Don't he? He just.
It's almost like. You just inflated his ego to a
level that was completely unnecessary.
Oh God damn it, where are you from?

(00:48):
Like that's a loaded question because I'm Korean, so people
are like, where are you from? And I'll be like, oh, Columbia,
MD oh, but now Canover, Maryland.
And they'll be like, no, where are you really from?
I'm like. That's you're from.
Columbia. Hanover and they're like, no,
where are your parents from, South or North Korea?
I'd be like South Korea, don't hit me.

(01:08):
I mean, it's like I grew up in, you know, Howard County as well.
And we just have. I mean, the Ellicott City is.
Now are we going to Korean? Are we going to talk about
Korean? Way.
Yeah, Korea. Way.
Yeah, Kangognada. Oh, so you can speak Korean?
Yes. Oh, David's going to love that
for the end of the pod. Yeah, absolutely.
We're. Definitely going to make you

(01:29):
speak so much Korean. OK.
So you're, you're like very, I mean, obviously you're from
Columbia, Ellicott City. Then you're very familiar with
like Koreatown and all of the. Stuff like.
But on Route 40. And I am very familiar with it,
but I was actually raised, so it's a weird story.
I was born in Maryland. My parents moved around a lot
because of. Korean parents are adopted.

(01:51):
Korean. Parents.
I didn't know I was just gonna ask.
Him. I didn't mean to look at you
like that. No, no, no, I'm so.
Confused. No.
No one's asked me that before. Really.
I mean, there's a lot of, I mean, am I wrong?
No, OK, no, I mean. My sister in law's boy.
My sister in law's boyfriend's Korean.
He's adopted, so yeah. OK, no, that's fair.

(02:12):
I was. I actually was born in Maryland
and I grew up in Connecticut, where the only other Korean was
adopted. OK, so I was used to being like
the odd one out of pocket. No, you're not out of pocket,
trust me. OK, good.
Wait, which high school did you go to?
I went to long reach high schoolOK.
You're enjoyed it. Oh. 6. 06 OK, I'm Oakland Mills

(02:35):
05. OK, Long reach.
Where's long reach again? I'm like, I only know Centennial
and Heburn. Off of Snowden?
Yeah. Off of.
Snowden, Snowden and Tamar. Oh is it that big school off
like 100? Yeah, kind of looks like a
prison. Yeah.
No, no, no, not off 100. That's.
Howard. That's Howard.
That's Howard. That's Howard.
Looks old as shit. No, it's near Wegmans.

(02:56):
Oh, it's on your way to Wegmans anyway.
It's near Chipotle. Yes.
So from Columbia, South Korea onit, when were you first
introduced to recovery? I was first introduced to
recovery when I was 3434. Yes some really late.
Well, OK, that's a lie. I'm not a lie.

(03:18):
But like I I had to go to a meetings before court ordered
because I had a second DUI. It was a charge I had want my
first one at 19. OK, my second one at 21 and I
just remember that. So you had done drug classes and

(03:40):
stuff? Yeah, well, I guess more than
drug classes, they had me do a awhich at the time I was with my
ex-husband who just followed me to these meetings being like all
the guys just want to fuck you. And I'm like, oh OK, he's like
just get the court slip and let's go like you know, he would
like. And then he started like forging
it or whatever. And I so it was a very it was

(04:06):
not a good opening to like a recovery setting.
It was more like emotional, forced to be.
Yeah, All right. And how much?
Clean time do you have? I have two years now and a few
months. Fantastic.
It's all of. Them all right now, with all the
head out of the way, turn it over to you.
Share your story with us. Take it away.
Sure. And I'm going to don't be

(04:27):
nervous. I'm shitting here scribbling
down questions. Split near.
OK, that's cool. So I, like I said, I was raised
in Connecticut and I was one of the few Asian people there and,
you know, we it was very carefree.
I'd say, you know, I didn't think much different about

(04:50):
myself. I had a lot of friends.
We would play in the neighborhood, would roll down
the hill, you know, things. Shit, kids do you know, roll
down the hill. Where?
In Connecticut? Glastonbury, CT.
It's about 10 minutes from Hartford.
Yeah, and I know. There's parts of Hartford that
are not so nice. Yeah, in fact, Glastonbury was

(05:10):
pretty cool. It had a lot of land, a lot of
space. Like when we moved to Maryland
and we were like the only one with a snow blower ever be like,
come on over Joe Joseph. Come snow blow our lawn and we'd
have a lot of snow. So I was a little disappointed,
you know, when we had not that much snow here.
But then you remember there was that snow apocalypse A.

(05:31):
Few years ago, yeah, we've, yeah, we've had some.
Yeah, So we had snow regularly and it wasn't until like, I
guess started getting a little older and I started realizing
like I had like anxiety at that point in time.
When did you come to Maryland? I came to Maryland in 8th.
Like think in the middle of 8th grade or end of 7th grade.

(05:52):
I think it was middle of 7th. Grade, so middle school all.
Right. Yeah, so and and like we didn't
just like move, we just like planned move.
It was in the middle of the school year.
My dad had an abrupt job offer opportunity.
So I just like up and left. So I resented my parents for a
while. So I was like, wow.
And then I come to Maryland and I go to middle school, Mayfield

(06:15):
Middle, and there's a bunch of other Asian people, Korean
people, like, EEE, this is so weird.
It was so weird. And then the for some reason,
they like, magnetized to me, OK,Like, oh, new Korean girl.
Oh so cool and like. You're doing the accent.

(06:37):
I'm like, I feel terrible because if I did that it would
be really racist and wrong. But you're totally allowed to.
Yeah, and he does it all the time.
I think it's 'cause he's dating me, but he's really good at.
Yeah, that's fair. Yeah.
And what like there was a weird like leader of the group and she
was like, Oh my God, let's like.Korean Mafia.
It was a Korean mafia and then the leader was like, oh, she's

(06:59):
trying to take all my friends slash servants and it's like,
let's throw shit at her at the locker and like let's write her
mean messages and on a. You're like our age, aren't you?
Yeah, yeah, that's great aim. And I was just really taken
aback for a little bit because Ikind of like wanted to be

(07:22):
accepted. But then in Connecticut was
different because I wasn't. I was the very few Asian people
there. And then I come to Maryland and
I'm like. You're in a big Asian.
Culture. I'm in the big Asian culture.
And then for some reason I was not being accepted here either
because because of cliques and yeah, weirdos.
And yeah, I'm sure they. Korean Mafia.

(07:43):
And all those Koreans had been together for however many years.
In school, exactly. And their friendship circle.
So middle of middle school is istough.
It's tough. It's tough transition.
I ended up, you know, still making friends.
Like, yeah, I had a a few other close friends and I got to like
branch out, but I still, you know, oh, and by the way, like

(08:03):
the next year the Korean mafia leader left and then everyone
became friends with me. It was like a weird switch.
And so like, I don't know, I I was always trying to fit in.
My father worked a lot as I said, like a work based move.
He was a workaholic. I didn't see him very much but

(08:24):
he still showed his love and support by like working a lot.
Coming to some of my swim meets,I did a lot of.
Oh, you're on the swim team? Yeah.
So OK. So we definitely swam against
each other as kids. You think so?
Yeah, I was on the. Swim team?
Hell yeah. Well, I can't remember right now
if I continued swimming in Maryland, OK, in Connecticut, so

(08:48):
we might not have. And my parents put me in
everything. So like his way of, of showing
his love and support was like putting me in piano at age 5 for
a decade, putting me in violin lessons.
I did figure skating. I did swimming at 5:00.
So wait, you did figure skating?Yes.

(09:10):
OK, I worked at the ice rink as well.
OK, remember I'm in Connecticut.Okay, so you're skating in
Connecticut. I'm doing all these things in
Connecticut. Okay, gotcha, gotcha.
But Dang, you've had a lot of jobs.
Yeah, yeah, I was, I'm. Very Columbia, Yeah.
You worked in the Columbia ice rink.
You were on swim team. You played soccer.
Shit. But yeah, in Connecticut I was

(09:34):
doing all these things and I kept myself very busy, right?
And I remember though, being like, so used to just like
going, going, going and like having to practice piano, not
really loving it, but have, you know, like 5 like.
I can relate. Having to sit and do like piano
and then like my piano teacher was like super depressed and

(09:54):
like, it was really sad because she was elderly and her husband
died a few years ago before. And like, she would be like
smoking cigarettes and teaching me piano.
Yeah. I'd be like, oh, smoking is not
good for you, miss whatever. And she'd be like, faster for me
to die crossbow. She would say faster for me to

(10:16):
like die and meet my husband andwherever I'm just like.
Oh my. God, Jesus.
OK. And I just, I don't know.
I think I was just used to weirdthings like that.
I have a lot of family, no. That's am I wrong or is that
just something that's like really common in Asian cultures

(10:39):
is? Turning a big family.
Well, not only that, but like Catholics.
No, no, no, no. I'm both.
I mean. Let me speak.
No, I just mean kind of not necessarily like overwhelming
your kids, but kind of overwhelming your kids.
And you know, like violin, piano, they're gonna like, yeah,
I, I like from, you know, because I've grown up in

(11:00):
Colombia as well. I have, I have lots of Korean
and Japanese friends and like their parents were always like
very like you're going to do allthese things and just constantly
stack them up with so many things when they're young.
Yeah, I think it's also the it'snot.
A bad thing, but. Sorry, it's louder.
Sorry. It's okay.
I think it's also like their wayof trying to make up for their

(11:22):
childhood because, you know, they came from like they
immigrated to United States for like second generation and they
were living in poverty. Yeah.
So they are just. Yeah, they're.
Just trying to give their kids the best advantages.
Yeah. And unfortunately some kids,
like I was one of them, I just took advantage of that.
Not that I would say it was a completely me just feeling

(11:45):
entitled. There were a lot of other things
going on. Yeah.
I had a big family, you know, and I was born into a Catholic
family, like born into Catholicism.
Like my mother's side is very religious.
And I have a Catholic priest uncle, and he calls it Prunkel.
So I got a Prunkel in Korea, andhe's and he has written several

(12:11):
books. And like, I was.
Yeah. And I was like the niece who got
pregnant before marriage like me.
So there was a lot of that. But I'm kind of going all over
the place putting in the pieces as they go along.
I think I I kind of wanted that male attention because I wasn't
getting it with my dad. And also on the flip side, on

(12:33):
the other side of that is like Ididn't know how to express
emotion because like it is cultural.
But in my family, we never talked about our feelings.
My mother didn't talk to me about anything.
She would nag me if to like practice piano or eat your
dinner or stop getting up and walking around during dinner,
like are you upstairs? Like things like that?
But I, I don't think we ever satand like really talked about how

(12:55):
we feel, you know, and that's soimportant.
That's why I do that with my ownkids.
So there was like a moment. So I was like, I don't know,
kind of like making it a little dark for a second.
Sorry. I was like kind of molested by a
family member when I was a kid. I was in like I was like 10 or

(13:16):
12. And like, I remember them being
like, because it was a, it was acousin and it only happened
once. And they were like, oh, OK.
Why didn't you tell him to do this?
Or why did you tell him to stop or like, And I like, reached
out. Yeah.
Told them about what happened and they were just like, they
didn't know like how to process it or they were just like, why

(13:39):
didn't you just tell them? Stop playing around.
I'm like, this isn't a joke. Yeah, making it your.
Problem. Exactly.
They. It made me feel really
uncomfortable. So I think from that point on I
just stopped like sharing anything with family, especially
if they're going to react like that.
Yeah. And I also kind of refound the

(14:01):
other Koreans, but not the ones that study all the time, the
ones that drink all the time. So at 15, I found myself like
going to pool halls a lot. I found myself.
I was talking about the pool halls.
Centennial Q. There we go.
CQ. You guys did you used to do?
Karaoke up at Centennial Qi used.

(14:22):
To yeah, I actually I did. I did as well.
Yeah, Centennial. Q was.
It literally probably like passed by you so many times
there, Yeah. Yeah, 100.
Percent I would I would go thereand play pool I would say I
would go study yeah, but I wouldgo play pool.
And then finally at 15, there was a guy who took interest in
me who was 18. And I was like, oh, this is

(14:43):
cool, an older guy, but it's like, not cool at all.
It's statutory rape, you know, And I, he took me to an underage
bar because there's still a lot of those, like literally in
Baltimore, Like, I went to one. He's like, you could excuse me,
what, you can be 18 and like youlike it was kind of like you got
like an X or whatever. Completely unaware of this.

(15:05):
There was a few of them around you.
Yeah, it was in Baltimore, and Iknow that he took me there and
my first drink, it was like a double shot of Johnnie Walker,
black or black. Starting strong.
Yeah, I remember you, I guess. So.
Everything was spinning. I remember, like, trying to fit
into the wall. It was weird.
And so after that, it wasn't like I was consistently

(15:28):
drinking, but I had found like, there was a lot more on the
other side. Like I would have fun.
I would feel good. I was accepted, you know, So I
started sneaking out. Exactly, exactly.
Once that door opens, it's hard to shut.
I would sneak out my daddy's car.

(15:48):
He had like a handy tipper on. Then I would drive it.
Come on, that's really a Korean family driving a Hyundai.
Like, come on, it's. Way too stereotypic.
I am. I'm a stereotypical ass Korean
who doesn't date any other Korean men I know how.

(16:08):
Do you drive a Hyundai? OK.
Yep, that, yeah. And never.
Never a Toyota. Yeah, but it's funny because
right now I drive a Toyota dishonor blast.
Oh my God that's hilarious. So like I would just.
Damn, I forgot what the hell I was saying.
Opening up so you'd just taken your first drink, You'd take

(16:30):
your daddy's car out. Yeah, I would take my daddy's
car out. I would sneak it out in my bed.
I would put bunch of clothes, like stuff my bed full of
clothes, put a black shirt for the hair, all that shit and just
leave and like come back. And I guess they were just, they
didn't know. But like, even though I never
put gas in, like, I don't know, I would have found out.

(16:53):
I know now that my, my kids ain't gonna do shit past my
eyes. Like I say that because like,
I've done it all, you know, but it's that's like what I did and
I would drive a lot, go drink some on the weekends.
And then like I remember like randomly long range was kind of

(17:15):
crazy then, you know, it's been on Worldstarhiphop before too.
Oh yeah, yeah. It I like remember I was like.
It's been what? On Worldstarhiphop.
What is that? The website, right?
Yeah, the. Old.
Website. It's like the stuff that you
can't post on YouTube, yeah. And it was kind of like E bombs
world. OK, back in the day I remember E
bombs, yes. It's it's similar to that.

(17:36):
OK. There's mostly lots of clips of
people fighting. Yeah, OK.
Yeah, Oakland Knolls was on there a few times.
Cool, cool so. Yeah, the one kid picked up F
from Oakland. Knolls picked up a microwave and
hit the other. Kid a microwave?
Yeah. Now it's on YouTube.
It's pretty amazing. Oh, send it to me later.
Yeah, OK, so of yeah, I would. God, I forgot what I was saying

(17:59):
again. Take.
Worldstarhiphop Long reach was crazy back.
Then yeah, Long Reach was crazy.Early 2000.
Seven. Yeah, I remember, like, there
was a few friends who were knownto just, like, do all the drugs
and, you know, they would like, you're not.
Moving out with a whole bunch ofpeople from long range back then

(18:20):
'cause we're right, we're a yearapart.
So. Like there was definitely a
crossover of people you knew andI knew.
Yeah, there's someone I knew that isn't around anymore cause
a lot of people from my graduating class passed away
from addiction and other freak accidents.
Like did you? Know a guy named Brandon?
Brandon knew. Joyce.
That sounds really familiar it. Was your It was your grade at

(18:41):
long range. Is he not here anywhere?
No. He died.
Yeah. You know, Nick Titches, Nicholas
Titches. Maybe.
He so he was one of those who passed away to him drugs.
He I remember in high school he would come up and be like, whoa
man, your sweater just feels so cool man.

(19:02):
He would be like tripping on E like in the middle of like,
yeah, class. I was like, OK.
And then like, I had a friend who was like, very, very
innocent looking, the most innocent looking Filipino girl
you'll ever see. Is she like Robo Trip all the
time? And I was like, oh, I wonder
what that's like? So I decided to try it one time

(19:23):
like a dumbass. What was her name?
Abby. I feel like just.
First name. Abigail OK, OK, OK.
Because I knew a Filipino girl from long reach and I'm like.
And. It's like one thing I've never
done is robo tripping. Yeah.
Robo tripping was great. Terrible.
It was terrible. It was so bad.
There's a few episodes of Intervention that like scared me

(19:45):
away from like Dust Off and RoboTripping were like two things.
I was like, that's a little too far.
Yeah, I did. Both of those things.
It's a it's a little crazy. Dust off is disgusting.
It is. That's horrendous.
Terrible month. I don't think I've ever done
dust off. Don't.
Yeah, horrendous. I dude.
The last time I did it, I literally had it out the

(20:06):
canister up to my lips and I waslike I am a piece of shit.
I was like, this is disgusting and I just, I was just like I'm
done. I was like, I'm not doing that
anymore. Yeah.
Where are the other drugs? Is it the thing that literally
dusts off things? Yeah.
What? You can inhale those?
Yeah. Nobody.
Everybody out there, don't even fucking.
Think about this. Disgusting.
It kills massive amounts. Of can we be?

(20:28):
To be honest, you can theoretically inhale most
things, you just don't do it. Yeah, don't do it.
Right, it's poison. Inhalants are just it.
Just. Yeah, it's bad news.
It's just, yeah, it's bad, I think.
So anyway, girl innocent girl ofrobo tripping.
Yeah. And then I and then out of I
would just like date people, butlike not invest in them.

(20:53):
So like with my emotions, like it was almost like I didn't know
how to like truly be in a relationship.
Yeah. I mean, we're teenagers who?
Did who did know how to be in a relationship?
Really. Yeah, that's Cheryl.
So I and I had trouble with commitment and so I would just
be like dating someone just because I like the attention and
then like I would just end it and like go date someone else

(21:17):
and be like, this is interesting.
And then like after high school is the only time I ever dated
like other Korean guys or other Asian guys, no other Korean
guys. And then I had my first solid
like relationship, solid meaninglike long, long term.

(21:37):
I dated this Thai guy who was 64, by the way.
Yeah, yeah. Everyone looked at us like 5-1
Korean girl with A6 four Thai guy and drove a cool car, drank
a lot. I, we just decided like we would
always like go study. And I always end up drinking.

(21:58):
Like it was weird. It was like we would study and
then and then I started like I was going to UMBC at the time.
So we dated for two years. So I was like in UMBC going I'm
like, I'm gonna go study at the library and I'll like pull out
beer at the library. Like who does that shit?
I did. And then I ended up like end up
very bad. And it kind of shook me for a

(22:20):
few years. It was my fault.
Yeah, but I still felt all the guilt and shame from it.
And that's when I started smoking weed.
I was mostly drinking and then that's when I started smoking
weed. And then I also like, try
different drugs. Like I think I like parachuted
ecstasy ones. Try to snort it.
It was crazy. Parachuting is when you take

(22:41):
powder and you put it into a tissue and then you put it down
your throat. Yeah.
What? It's a faster way to get
absorbed in the bloodstream so that you have a faster reaction.
You're not waiting so long for the pill to break up in your
stomach. That's.
OK. All right, moving on.

(23:04):
So I was not. Anybody.
We're not giving you directions on how to do shit.
We're educating, David. Don't take that as an education
for yourself. Exactly podcast recovery that
sounds prime time. This is sounds terrible.
It was efficient. Yeah, OK.
Basically I was doing bad thingsbecause I hated myself.

(23:26):
I had the first love of my life and I ended up like just I ended
up cheating on him. I ended up breaking lots of
trust. I really like I had, I was
friends with all his friends. I was like friends with his
parents and just like crushed everyone.
And I think it was like the woman that lived in their house,

(23:49):
she had a nephew and it was withher nephew and it was a whole
damn thing. And I just ended up like for the
next two years, just doing a lotof drugs.
You know, I couldn't like get past it.
It was so bad that my dad, he wanted me to do something with
my life. He like put me in like real

(24:10):
estate class. I would go to real estate class
Like I know, I know. I just go to real estate class
like drunk as shit. I would like finish and just go
smoke more weed. And it was just like a horrible,
I didn't know how to be normal, like clean at all.
Like, it just spent a few years and then I went to Korea.

(24:33):
Like my dad thought he would, like, send me overseas and then
I would get better. And there's a lot of soju in
Korea. They're very cheap.
It's like the Korean vodka almost tastes like water.
But there's a lot of different flavors, too.
Question. Yes, What drugs are in Korea?
What drugs? I heard that I didn't do drugs

(24:55):
and I just drank a shit you. Just drank.
OK, yeah. And smoked a lot of cigarettes
and everything was weak. It's like, I don't know, it was
weird. And I was like I went there
smoking like a marble, marble Reds and like it was like Drake
smoking a marble light. Yeah, it was.
It's like the equivalent was like it was weird.
But I think right now the bad thing in Korea is meth.

(25:18):
Like I heard it's pretty bad down there, but yeah, so I came
back and then I ended up partying my way into like Annex.
I lived in Annex for a little bit.
It's like where all the mica kids live.
Oh yeah. Yeah, like the copycat building
from there. OK, the.
Copycat building was a huge partof my story.
Yeah, yeah, man. So I lived there for a while.

(25:42):
That's how I lived there with myex-husband.
He was a student at Johns Hopkins.
Rooming. Yeah, rooming with a bunch of.
Which side did you live on? The annex side OK and with like
you know, it was like. Well, there's like the front
side and then the back, the backside, sort of.
I think it was a front side, theone that faced the street.

(26:04):
They are different, yeah. I can't think right now, but I
can't think front, side, backside.
So, you know, every night was like a David Bowie film was
like, I would like, yeah, I would like wake up, go to the
kitchen people you passed on thecouch with like crack pipes next
to them. Wow, that's bold.
Like every. Copycat.

(26:25):
I was about to say wow, and thenI was like, wait a minute, never
mind, that's very. That place, that place was like
one of the most surreal places I've ever been in my life is the
Coby Cat building. Just like you walk into a room
and then like, remember one timesome guy like when let me take
photos of him, he was like, you're stealing my soul.
I was like, that's a very African way of viewing this man.
OK, I'm not stealing your soul. Like I just want a photo of you.

(26:48):
You're wearing rags. You look great.
Oh, my God. OK, All right.
Yeah. Everyone was always fucked up
all the time. I I think I did like a lot of
shrooms then too and like Artscape was my favorite.
It's still my favorite. It's gone now, by the way.
What? Yeah, they they cut the
contract. It's dead.

(27:08):
What? Completely.
It's dead after this year? Yeah, it's dead.
They'll. Yeah.
They'll find a way to bring it back.
It was there. It's it was too much.
Money. It's been years.
No, I went to it this year. Oh, did they have that little
one? There was a little one.
I was confused because there were it was just like all booths
and like no like not that much art.

(27:30):
I don't get. Brought back, don't worry.
I hope so. But I just remember it being
crazy. And then, you know, I started
dating my ex-husband who was like, you know, I was very
codependent. I think because watching my
father and my mother, who were very codependent, but my dad was
like alpha male, very verbally abusive.

(27:54):
My mom, they're like subservientKorean wife.
I watched that for years, you know, and they were too.
It was like culturally like not OK to get a divorce.
And they're Catholic. So it's like, fuck yeah.
And so I just, you know, I dealtwith a lot of toxicity, just had
a lot of like fighting him, putting her down all the time.

(28:17):
I was like fighting my dad. I was like, speak up and say
shit to him. But then my mom would tell me to
be quiet because it's like at the end of the day, she and I
know this now she just wants to keep the peace in the house, you
know, even if that means biting her tongue all day.
And now I know that if I'm beingfor I basically married a German

(28:39):
guy, actually like a 50 year oldKorean man.
Not even fair. OK.
And so, yeah, my kids are half German, half Korean and he.
So when did you have your first kid?
When I was 23 so. Right around that time.

(29:02):
Yeah, so I found out like, I think it was only half a year of
us dating, but he had given me like an engagement ring already.
We but then we like hurried the wedding to before Cody was born.
So I was eight months pregnant at my wedding.
Yeah, and then I had Cody, 'cause when I found out I was

(29:24):
pregnant, I found out I was six months pregnant.
Oh. Wow.
Yeah. So I was like wasn't showing at
all. Yeah.
And then like as soon as I foundout I'm pregnant, like, boom.
It was like overnight. Yep.
And your. Body was like oh this is
happening. Yeah, and so it's like, oh,
you're pregnant. Oh, and you're gonna have a baby
in three months. It's like, oh, OK, life changing

(29:45):
event. I didn't really know how to even
adult, let alone be a regular human being, But I think I just
dove myself into being a mom. And those are the years I stayed
clean because I I didn't have. It was weird because the way it
lines up is that I quit drinkingand smoking cigarettes and

(30:07):
everything right before like I was the conception time of Cody.
And you know, as you talk about higher power, it's just weird
how it works out that way. I had Cody by that time.
I was married in a very toxic marriage.
My husband was very controlling,manipulative, classic

(30:30):
narcissistic, psychopath, sociopath, all the things.
And I just remember like always being gas lit, you know, all the
time he would turn my friends against me.
He turned me against my friends.Like talk shit about my family
who like he didn't have family of his own.

(30:52):
And he would just, it was very mentally and emotionally
draining every day during those five years.
It was like a prison. Like I wasn't even though I
didn't even see friends outside of our house.
But I did have play dates. I didn't have a car, so I would
have like play dates during the day that he would like come at
home and he would drink all the time because he worked in like

(31:14):
the drinking industry. But he, because I had two DUI's,
he would just call me like an alcoholic while he's drinking.
And then he kind of like after Cody was born, he kind of slowly
reintroduced. He's like, oh, you can have a
sip here and there. I'm like, whatever, right?

(31:37):
And then I did and I think it slowly started spiraling a
little bit, but not enough because then I found out I was
pregnant with Vera. So they shoot.
There's another like saving grace kind of thing I didn't use
throughout my pregnancies with either kid or during the time I
was nursing. And then I was and then finally

(31:59):
like I had the strength to get adivorce after five years.
It was like I was pregnant with my daughter.
My ex-husband pushed me while I was pregnant.
He threw like his wedding ring, tried like he would always do
this. Every time he would get mad or
we would have fights, like throwhis wedding ring.
He would, like, get the marriagecertificate, threatened to RIP

(32:22):
it in half and like, what a child.
Yeah, Jesus, it was crazy. He like had the marriage
certificate like on hand I. Guess so.
I didn't even know where the fuck it was.
For. Yeah, for for.
Theatrical purposes. Like what a Dick.
I didn't even know where the fuck it was.
That's. That's kind of crazy.
Yeah, and and finally I like went to my parents house.

(32:44):
I didn't leave right. It wasn't far, but he slowly,
like, coerced, like he then was like, OK, I agreed to do like,
marriage counseling before he'd be like, oh, I would never, you
know, I'm too smart for the therapist.
And yeah. And so he agreed to it.
I somehow believed him. You kind of believe you're like

(33:06):
abuser. You like, kind of get tied into
it. You like put under a spell.
No, you had Stockholm syndrome. Yeah, Stockholm syndrome and
there's kids involved. So it's like, you think it's
better to stay with the kids. So then I stayed with the kid.
I stayed with the father for a little longer.
And then like financial issues, we ended up living with my
parents. And I think that was when it
finally had the strength. They like, kicked him out at one

(33:28):
point. He was disrespectful to my
family. He didn't help me with the kids.
He never really did help me withthe kids.
He didn't change a diaper the first year Cody was born.
He and your. Parents were out, were
supportive. Yeah, to a degree.
To a degree because when you're with someone, they want to help.
So be like go ask your husband or like, but I felt so stuck
because I was like, I'm trying here, but like I'm getting help

(33:51):
from nobody because they want him to help.
He's just like, go ask your mom.And I just learned.
They were just like, get out of.Here Yeah, I learned how to do
everything on my own really fast.
And this is a difficult time because I had just found out
like Cody was autistic. He just turned.

(34:13):
He was about to turn 4 at that point.
Like Vera was there like a baby.He's two and four.
And my ex-husband was just like,we need a second opinion.
I'm just like, I know in my gut,like there's something off.
That's why I got it. He's like, I don't want our son
to be a label as special like a speed kid the rest of his life.

(34:37):
Meanwhile, I'm like just trying to do the best thing for him.
And I'm also navigating new territories at that point as a
special needs mom. And I think just like at that
point, I didn't let it like affect me.
I just kind of like dove into being a special needs mom.
I did everything like SEEK, CAC,Special Education, Community
Action Council, Autism Society, the ARC, Pathfinders for Autism.

(35:02):
I did all the events, I went to all the meetings, and I did
everything. Oh, hello, Ginger Cat.
Oh my God, you do exist. I haven't seen you in.
Forever. So I've.
Not seen this cat in years. This this is a ghost cat.
So you. Remember the next last time I
saw a ginger cat? It's been a while.
OK, keep going. Oh, OK, yeah, diving.

(35:23):
Into. Being a mom and being and then
like, at some point, like, you know, my family was like, he
needs to go, you know, he needs to fucking go.
And he just left. And then he would like, say he
needs to see his kids. The kids shouldn't be without
their father. But that point I'd realized,
like, no, I would rather the kids not think it's OK to treat

(35:46):
women this way. For my son to think it's OK for
my daughter to think this is what she deserved as a woman.
And I I just, it was a very harddecision.
Oh, yeah, I still deal with like, shame and guilt from it
because now the kids are older and they ask certain questions
sometimes and but it's still, you know, pretty.
It was a hard, it was a hard road ahead of me.

(36:08):
Divorce was very difficult. Yeah, he did not make things
easy. I'm still dealing with child
support issues, I'm sure. And then like a year and a half
later, I met my ex fiance. You know, I talked about doing a
lot of karaoke, right? There was a place in Oakland
Mills. Second chance.

(36:28):
I would go there every week likeI would I first I went there for
my birthday. Before then I had never like
like gone out besides with the kids.
Yeah. And then I just said on my
birthday we'd go to karaoke cuz I, I had never done like open my
karaoke. So I went into karaoke and it
was, I had like an edible. So I was like an edible like

(36:51):
gave some dude I just met who ended up being a good friend an
edible and it was just vibing. That's where I met my ex fiance
and we were kind of like inseparable after that at first.
Like I kind of. Karaoke and edibles will do that
every time. Yeah, and I thought, like, he
was a nicer guy. He's like such a nerd playing

(37:15):
D&D, was DJ and like EVE Online and all that stuff.
And and then like, I don't know,he didn't know how to.
I had a lot of underlying traumaand PTSDI didn't know how to
deal with it. I was still very codependent.
I had like panic attacks regularly and anxiety.
I was taking like Adderall for ADHD medication.

(37:36):
I never abused it, but it was part of the equation.
It's still part of the equation.And then every time I would just
go and smoke at night. And I think it started very
small. Like my brother was a Stoner
too. Like I just got out of the
military and then he smoked likeevery day after, you know?
So we were at these times in ourlives where we just wanted to

(37:59):
smoke. And I, it started with like once
a day end of work. And then I, I started going to
karaoke more and, and then everytime I went to karaoke, I wasn't
drinking at the time. I was sober from alcohol for six
years. But then I was, I think I
supplemented that by starting tosmoke weed.
And at some point I was like smoking on karaoke nights, then

(38:23):
on the weekends and then it was just like a everyday thing.
And then it was like every minute of the day, OK.
Like, it builds up so fast. So I was smoking all the time.
And then I would, like, get shrooms and I would just, like,
microdose on shrooms and with weed.
And it was just like the perfectconcoction with Adderall.

(38:45):
Like, yay. And I'm still doing all the
things for my kids. So yeah, I don't have a problem.
But like, I'm like, you know, eating like an edible here and
there. And after that, during COVID
time, we had to do online. So I was like had working at my
dad's liquor store, not not drinking.
I was working at 2 liquor storesat the time actually.

(39:07):
And ironically, I just was. I wasn't drinking at the time.
Your dad owns a liquor store? He did for six years in DC.
Oh, in DCI was like, is it around here?
Is it like? No, it was in DC, which is a
whole other thing. Oh, oh boy.
He actually got that liquor store for my ex-husband and I
because he wanted us to be OK. That's the way he was.

(39:27):
That's. Kind.
Yeah, and my ex-husband was a Dick, you know, he like didn't
show his appreciation. My dad was micromanaging too.
So being in the middle of that storm was not cool.
Yeah and there's just like DC being new liquor store owners.
People are will try and steal all the time, try and do all the

(39:52):
things. And then finally COVID learning
happened. I had to stop working and I had
to teach both of my kids virtuallearning at home.
And then I found out how hard itwas to be a special educator and
therapist, just like we had to do everything at home.

(40:12):
Yeah. And eventually I just like.
I don't know. There was never enough weed or
edibles. And I was at the point I was
doing dabs all the time too, like all the time, which is like
a surefire way to get your tongseven higher.
And I found and. Just make you fried.

(40:33):
Yeah, and I just eventually found like an old box of alcohol
in my dad's and I told my ex fiance I was like, hey, let's
take like a shot for your birthday.
I don't even know where it came from.
I had never thought about drinking before.
And I was just like, it's been I'll be fine.
Like I haven't drank in a while.Weeds my thing man whatever.

(40:58):
I'm a Stoner chick. I need to get dreads.
I really did want to get like dreads and braids.
I was fucking weird. I had.
Dreadlocks at 1:00. Point.
Cool. No.
Wait, David, you had dreadlocks?We're not gonna talk about I
have. Pictures of you with dreadlocks.
We're not gonna talk about probably.
Oh man. I'll find the pictures.
Eric, yes, please send them to me too, OK, Yeah.

(41:18):
And he just, yeah, at some pointmy ex fiance didn't know how to
deal with my lying about my drinking because it's, it's just
escalated very quickly. I would be getting up in the
morning, pounding a monster and then drinking tequila like one

(41:41):
after another, make sure everyone's fed, then take my
Adderall. And it was just like a ongoing
cycle of just self destruction. You know, I was like 90 lbs
Yeah. And I if things got so bad that
and financially bridges at that house, we ended up moving to

(42:03):
Sparks. My brothers bought the house
that my parents lived in. He bought my parents house.
He was like y'all have to go because he, my my ex fiance at
the time wasn't paying to live there.
So he had like eventually just like moved in.
I didn't know how to talk to people.
I was just smoking all the time.And we moved to sparks for about

(42:25):
half a year and things got bad really quickly.
I was away from friends and family had to make new friends.
I got a job at Milton Inn, whichis a very well known
establishment, and I always had a prescription for Xanax.

(42:45):
I never took it because I was like, scared, right?
But I had a lot of it. That's awesome.
Yeah, shut up. Plus I was like, all about not
being tired. I don't want to slow down.
I was like, yeah, I think I. Was I love your thought process
though. You're like, I'm going to stock
this. Yeah, I know.
Just. Think I'm going to fill this

(43:06):
prescription every month but. I don't think it is.
Yeah, pretty much. So I I found the Xanax and then
I started taking it and I started drinking and I started
smoking and this all happened asa result of my ex fiance putting
his hands on me because I was lying about my drinking and he

(43:27):
ended up like I was black out drunk and he ended up beating me
and I didn't even know what happened.
I woke up, I had like black eye,I had like bruises on my face
and I think when everything soaked in like that this had
happened is when I started utilizing the Xanax and things

(43:51):
just got worse. Well, yeah, when you mix that
with alcohol, things get weird. Yeah, I would just, like black
out all the time. Before that, I was my tolerance
had gotten so high that I would never black out, which tells you
like how much I was in taking. You know, I'm like 90 lbs
drinking and smoking every minute of the day, never

(44:12):
blacking out, remembering everything.
Probably the Adderall too. Yeah, yeah, Adderall, Xanax and
alcohol and weed. That's.
That's a hell of a cock, yeah. And so eventually we got to this
point where the cops are called.The kids weren't there at that
time. He pushed me out the house and

(44:33):
I, like, hit my head and I had to call the cops 'cause I think
at that point I was like, something's going to happen to
me, I'm going to call the cops. And I was pretty fucked up to be
honest but I still called the cops because somehow I still
like I had so much self destruction and like self
hatred. But I was like thought about the

(44:54):
kids and that moment it was weird.
Like I decided to reach out for help.
I last time I saw my ex fiance he was being handcuffed and
taken away by the cops. And that's when I moved back to
Columbia and I couldn't see anyone after that.

(45:14):
And that's when I went to rehab.So at rehab is when I got an
introduced Narcotics Anonymous. I went to Hope House in Laurel.
Yeah, my wife went there. Yeah, in 2022 January and it was
great. It was weird at first because my
brain was obviously going through a huge transition and I

(45:37):
finally was able to like sing and dance again.
And then, you know, you leave rehab and you have to keep doing
the things, but then like, you don't, so you're not surrounded
by it anymore. But I did go to my first NA
meeting. It just was hard for me to
continuously go. I didn't understand why we had

(45:57):
to go so to so many. But the first NA meeting I ever
went to was at Friday night at Serenity Center.
Keep it real. It was Miranda's anniversary.
So it was. An anniversary night.
Miranda. Miranda.
Yeah, I know. I like her.
So it was crazy, though it was alot of people.

(46:19):
I was very overwhelmed. I still.
Eric would hate it. Yeah, I still have the balls to
be like, hey, I'm new. I just can't rehab and then I
like. You raised your hand.
I did. I actually might have been there
at that meeting. Really.
When I was new, yeah. Yeah, I.
Yeah. Miranda's anniversary, 2022.
Yeah. I might have been there.
Yeah. So I left there and like waited

(46:42):
a few minutes and like beelined out of there like before the
meeting was over, of course, andthen you.
Asked for help and then you run.Away.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. I went outside and like someone
had followed me outside and thatwas Christina.
And so she was like, hey, you should get my number.
There's a women's meeting on Thursday.
So I was like chain smoking cigarettes.
Sorry. I was like, I'm sorry, I'm
smoking. If you know, it's just like,

(47:02):
it's fine. So, you know, I reached out.
She was like the first number I had in NAI.
Remember how during those next few days I like went to 1A a
meeting and like never went backagain, you know, just happened
that way. So just like I vied better with
NA, not saying like other peopledon't benefit from it.
Yeah. And I didn't really understand

(47:25):
it. And for me, I thought I needed
to understand it to do it right.Like why does it?
Why just reading some book and writing some things?
How is that going to help me in any shape or form?
I have ADHD, it's hard for me toread and sit and write, you
know, And plus at that time again, my brain still going

(47:47):
through the transition. And so I in six months, I,
sorry, I'm almost done. And six months after that, I
ended up like moving to Hanover,which is more in the Elkridge
side. Yeah.
And I. Right over by me.
Yeah. And I basically was like, oh, I
don't know any meetings around here.

(48:08):
I still have no car at that point.
So I just kind of lived on 24/7 Zoom meetings for a little bit
even after. So I had a relapse.
I got really suicidal. I got very depressed and
suicidal. And my brother's like, better
being like smoking some weed, right, than wanting to die.

(48:33):
And I was like, yeah, that's a good idea.
And so I ended up smoking and then I was smoking all the
fucking time again. It just built up so fucking
quickly. And I was playing hide and seek
with my kids and I went into thecloset and sat on a box and it
like clinked. This was like a month after I

(48:53):
started smoking weed again, and I knew the sound of just bottles
clicking around. I knew there was alcohol.
I had never gone across anything.
But I found my dad's Dash and hehad all the good stuff that he
had gone from, like selling the store.
All the good shit, all the strong shit.
I was a whiskey drinker. I love Bullet Rye.

(49:16):
That was like my drink. Yeah, my drink of choice.
I know. Right.
That's a badass drink right there. 5 foot one acting like 6
foot 4, right? And so I started like I remember
initially just like not drinking.
I didn't care about it. And then like 2 days it just

(49:38):
wouldn't leave my fucking mind. It was like there, it's
festering and I finally caved inand I drank and it was just
really bad. It got really dark real quick.
Oh yeah. I would just drink in the
morning, drink like a Capri Sun after.

(49:58):
Yummy. Bullet, Ryan Capri.
Sun yeah exactly champion and and then like my dad had all
this other whiskey that was stronger than bullet and I
didn't even care I was like stronger the better and I would
just get fucked up. I would like also started

(50:18):
reconnecting with a few people but I didn't want to reconnect
with the people. A lot of people had mutual
friends with my ex fiance. Yeah, I just knew someone who
was a good friend, another parent, but like I guess had
other other intentions. But he would like bring me weed

(50:41):
and then like I would go there and you would be like, do you
want to drink? I was like, yes, yes, yes, place
all above and our kids can play too and we can yeah, whatever.
He was trying to like play house, I think.
And I was just too fucked up andlike mentally unstable to like
be OK. And then I had a really like I

(51:01):
had a breaking point. Like I had drink and smoke so
much that I had a psychotic break and I ended up at like the
roof of my friend's house with abox of doughnuts.
It's another story. I think we're already over OK
and, and calling someone in my recovery network.
So at that point I still had some numbers and I was like,

(51:25):
'cause it's like I wanted so desperately to like, be better
than what where I was be in thatcycle again, but I didn't know
how to get better. I was already in it, but I still
was reaching out and they calledthe cops.
I remember running, running, running, running.

(51:46):
I was like, fuck you for fuck the police.
And I was like ran to an empty construction site and I went
through a little tiny hole in the fence.
Oh, sorry, I punched your mic. And it just like finally the
cops came and my sponsor came and my like one of the Swansea

(52:07):
Network people came because I atthat point I thought people were
after me. Like they want to take me away
from my kids. I was not normal.
I was having like a psychotic episode and they they EP Ed my
ass. What else were they going to do?
Like I think it's when they oh shit, I don't remember the name.

(52:27):
It's basically when you're you have to go legally to the
hospital. EP European plant.
Fuck you European. Plants.
Whatever, I will remember it later.
I went to hospital. They had me on like Cal doll

(52:49):
there. Yeah, and all that stuff.
When I got a little stable, I still wasn't stable.
I was a little more stable. I went and got a packed bag.
My brother did not want my kids to see me the way I was.
Went to Hope House. Hope House turned my ass away.
They were like, you got a lot ofother shit going on.

(53:12):
We cannot help you here and you need to go to the psych ward.
So I went to Shepard Pratt and Idetoxed to Shepard Pratt and I
spoke with Christina every day there.
She came and visited me and she was like, she suggested, why
don't I actually, you know, you got to do something different to
be somewhere different. Can't just keep doing the same

(53:34):
shit. And she was like, do you really
want something different? And I knew that if I didn't
change, I would lose my kids. I was not allowed to see my kids
for several months after that. It was the hardest time of my
life and I decided to take her suggestions and I did all of the
interviews while I was a ShepardPratt for an IOPPHP program and

(53:58):
to live at a recovery house. So I moved into Soarsa, which is
the Oxford House in Columbia forwomen and children, lived there
for almost a year and I did IOPPHP for almost a year.
And then finally my parents wereOK with me coming back home.
And our first year of recovery was really miserable.

(54:19):
Like I was going through all theMed stuff, finding, trying to
find stuff that worked for me because I thought I needed
medication to get me better. And by the end of it, I think I
just had enough, you know, I don't recommend this, but I just
kind of like ran out of medication and I was like, Oh,

(54:40):
well, whatever. And I realized I didn't die.
Like, I was fine. If anything, I got better.
I stopped dissociating, I stopped feeling worse.
I got better. And all of a sudden, like I felt
like myself again. I thought it would never happen
in recovery. And and then I met a good friend
in the recovery network and she was also very like into music.

(55:07):
And I was able to find music again this year.
It's Kirsten. I was like.
Who she, we, we just vibe because like, she became my
bestie real quick because like, she, we had gone through the
same things. Yeah, she we had been through a
lot of the same things. And we both love music.

(55:28):
And so because of her, I think, and other people in this
fellowship, I was able to find music and fine and be OK with
it. It took me almost a year and a
half to get there, but I got there.
Being depressed in recovery is quite a miserable place to be
in. You like almost don't see the
light at the end of the tunnel. But I have to say that if you

(55:51):
just stick and stay, you don't use.
It does get better. You just don't give up.
It's hard. It's definitely hard.
I didn't want to call people with the depths of my depression
and that would never be happy again.
Dissociating around your kids isnot cool.
It's not fun. I had like, what is it where

(56:14):
you're like apathetic to the point where you enjoy things
anymore? There's a term for it.
I'm not even going to try, but it it got better and now I'm
like, the happiest I've ever been.
You know? I'm like singing again.
I'm dancing again. Thank you.
Halsey and his ecstatic dances. Yep.

(56:35):
Fuck, yeah. I can dance again.
I don't need five prescription medication to get me through it.
Yeah. I'm on Day 8 of no Celsius.
Oh. Yeah, that's like a huge one
for. That's an energy drinker, Yeah.
Yes, that's a very strong energy.
Drink Yeah. It has 200 milligrams of
caffeine, for one. I was drinking four to five a
day, yeah. That's a lot, yes.

(56:58):
That's toxic. Love yes of caffeine and then I
just didn't even drink coffee because I think it's messing up
my stomach more. I've just been drinking black
tea and it's been really hard, especially this past weekend,
but I got through it. There's like.
Green tea in there too. Yeah.
I love green. Tea.
Yeah, I like green tea too. Have you ever had like,

(57:18):
peppermint green tea? Yes.
I love peppermint green. Tea.
Love it. Trader Joe's?
Hell yeah. Yeah.
When did Salem get here? I I don't know.
Yeah, well, Thackery banks just roaming that, roaming the
castle. But yeah, I, I, I am in
ServiceNow like I do H and I back to the garden suite of

(57:40):
Shepherd Pratt where I was theretwice in my first year of
recovery. First for detox, second for
mental health issues. I went and now I bring a meeting
once a month in there and all the nurses keep rooting me on.
It's amazing. They've seen me in all different
levels and they see that I'm actually better than I ever
been. And I now want to help people.

(58:04):
And that's how I gain more like just I just gain so much from
helping others. I'm also very active in the
autism network. You know, Cody's doing like 2
social skills groups right now. One's virtual, one's in person.
He's doing like Special Olympic soccer.

(58:25):
He's doing just all these great things.
Maybe too much. Maybe that part of me like I'm
kind of a little bit like my dad, like if I was doing this
and doing. That typical Asian mom.
Exactly. But we like to talk about
things. Yeah, I will make sure we talk
about things. I punch your mic.
God damn it. Sorry.

(58:45):
And I also just, I am starting to like be OK with myself and
I'm trying to accept myself the way I am.
I started trauma therapy too. That has been a big help.
I think we're doing like, we started EMDR already talking.
Just having a network though, islike therapy.

(59:06):
It's like free therapy, right? We just call someone and be
like, yo, and there's always a person for everything.
It's like the yellow book of recovery.
Oh yeah, there's a car guy. There's a fucking hair person
like. And it's funny, if you made a
Yellow Pages reference to Kirsten, she'd be like, what's
that? Yeah, you young bitch, shut up.
Keep aging myself so that I justI just love what life is and I

(59:31):
just got a not a lot of people know this, but I got a new job.
Nice. I've been an orthodontic
assistant slash clinical supervisor and I just got hired
at Northrop Grumman. Hell yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to be a state technician.
I I pictured that too. I need more caffeine.

(59:53):
No, I don't, but I kind of do. All right.
Well, we got some questions for you.
Sure. Would you like to go first,
Eric? You can go first.
All right, right. I'm gonna start with a fun
question. So we're of the same generation
and you being an Asian woman as a kid, did you watch Mulan?

(01:00:18):
I definitely watch Mulan OK. My my brother and I were huge
Disney kids. Oh yeah, OK.
So. Was that an empowering movie as
an Asian woman to a degree. To a degree only because I was
very like, I'm not Chinese, don't you?
Call me Chinese. Yeah, everyone thinks I'm

(01:00:39):
Chinese. Yeah.
Exactly. So I knew there's different
cultures and that's why I like, that's why I was specifically,
you know. But I did like.
Their story, yeah, they are similar cultures like Japanese,
Chinese and Korean cultures are all in the same realm.
Of exactly. But I think if I want to watch
it today, I definitely find it empowering.

(01:01:01):
As a kid, it was just another Disney film.
Yeah. And you know, I love Disney
films. Yeah.
And I like, and the one thing I like, especially in like our
generation and like what we've seen is it's not just, you know,
white princesses anymore. Exactly.
Because that was the thing forever.
It was just, you know, Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping
Beauty, Ariel Belle. And it was just like, OK, can we

(01:01:23):
get something else? Yeah.
And then like, really, it was like Pocahontas and Mulan.
Yeah, very first, like, you know, branches out from there.
And then you know, and then you have Tiana and you have Moana
and you have. All yeah, I fucking love.
It and RYA. Yeah.
Oh, we have RYA and even super, super Scottish, you know,
Merida, Yeah, just just really branching out from just the

(01:01:45):
typical like, you know, archetypal white European.
Woman yeah exactly is really awesome and the storylines
behind it not just finding a Prince anymore.
Yeah. And like that's sort of like the
people like when they actually were like researching Moana.
Anybody who's listening to this,you're getting some Disney right
now. You're welcome.
Like they said, like the Polynesian people have been

(01:02:07):
swallowed by America for so longthat this is the first time
that, you know, we get to get swallowed by their culture,
right? And really get to get immersed
in their culture and what they're all about.
It's just, it was. Something really.
It was such a popular movie. solid-state technician.
Sorry. A solid-state.
Technician. That is my job title.
Nice. The pre employment stuff has

(01:02:28):
been kind of stressful, but it'sI'm so excited to learn my
parents, like the moment my mom was like, you know, 'cause my
family's going through a lot to regain their trust in me.
Of course getting letting go of resentments has been a whole
thing. Yeah.
But when I said I have a government job, they stop

(01:02:50):
bitching about anything. I was like, OK, OK, I know.
So that and plus a big thing wasAndy met my parents for the
first time. Yeah, this weekend.
So a lot of great things just happened this weekend.
And then don't forget, next weekend is Halloween karaoke.

(01:03:10):
And I did, I do this to myself, but I planned another event for
the next day, which is a Halloween party for
neurodivergent teens. Yeah, it's going to be at
Elkridge Library. I've done a lot of the footwork,
but I kind of merge with anotherautism, 2 autism moms I know.
And it just, I love doing shit like that and giving my son the

(01:03:35):
opportunity to like, socialize because like you're at that age
where they want to socialize butthey hate being paired up.
They don't want you to mom them into seeing a friend.
But they also still like behind the scenes, you know, want those
connections. So we're.
Still humans. And yeah, we crave.
Yeah, yeah. Socialization exactly all.

(01:03:55):
Right. What you got, Eric?
What this kind of more of a fun question?
What Korean heritage, like culture do you still practice or
take with you that you grew up with?
Like is there anything special like from Korean culture that
you celebrate or are you pretty like American centric with like

(01:04:19):
Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving and all that
horseshit? She's Catholic, dude.
I know that doesn't mean she doesn't celebrate stuff like
there might be different things in Korea.
They do have Korean New Year's. Well, yeah, like they have
Chinese New. Year's like is.
That the same as Korean? When is Korean New Year's?
Korean New Year's is around Chinese years.

(01:04:39):
I should know this, but it's around that time and you just do
you get money from like your elders from you got a bow to
them. There's a special bow.
It's called chusak. You have special food like
dumplings, soup and you get likerice cakes with like delicious
fillings in it. And it's a whole thing.

(01:05:02):
Also bring with my Korean heritage, all the superstition.
So all the shit they say, like if you whistle at night a snake
will come out from under your bed.
Or like what? Yeah, if you laugh and you cry
at the same time, you'll have a hairy butt hole.
Like all those weird things. Go back.

(01:05:22):
What did you say? Is that you laugh and you cry at
the same time. You'll have a hairy butt hole.
Who? Tells you.
Is that an actually like? Is that like?
It's like a rhyme. Like what?
It's like a dog out loosely man don't go wrong actor.
None that it's literally what itmeans.
Wait, who informs of this? I don't know, It's like, it's

(01:05:43):
like my, my parents, my older like.
Family members, people are just like, hold on.
So people are like, yeah, if you're gonna get a hairy butt
hole, like if you like have. You been laughing and crying at
the same time. No, it's like, you know what
they say today. You know what they say if you
laugh and you cry? You'll get a hairy butt.
Hole exactly. So ridiculous.

(01:06:06):
OK. That's great.
All right. Oh.
My. God, what am I gonna go with?
What did the World Convention mean to you?
Oh man, the World Convention wassuch a spiritual experience for
me. It was amazing.
I think just being connected to people all around.

(01:06:28):
Was that your first convention? That was my first world
convention, not my first convention convention.
What did you go to the Ocean City Convention?
Yes, that was my second time at the Ocean City Convention, and
then so World Convention would make it my third convention.
Convention's a funny word and so.
World's a whole was a whole new.It was a whole other different.

(01:06:50):
There was a whole level. I love dancing.
Oh my God, that last night dancing was crazy.
And I think so. Kelly and I did this thing where
we got our our basic text. Oh yeah, yeah, you were doing
the yearbook. Thing yeah, so we got it signed
from all these people they were right there name clean date and

(01:07:14):
where they're from. So it was a great way to connect
to people and it was just a beautiful thing just to see
everyone. I think the most memorable
experience was doing the yearbook thing, getting people
to sign it and just taking pictures with rando addicts,
which is like awesome things to do there and and then the last

(01:07:38):
day when they did the Unity day,some people didn't stay for that
but that day was amazing. I actually saw videos on my
phone where we called different correctional facilities and
places in different states, but they did it like an H and I zoom

(01:08:00):
to like 10 different places and every time they would zoom and
pan into the screen. Everyone did their high like
this. They do their high.
That shit almost had me in tears.
That was amazing. It was so beautiful just to see
how people connected and then just see how you were never

(01:08:21):
going to see a group full of that many grateful people until
you go to a world fucking convention, dude.
Like, that was amazing. Oh yeah, it was crazy.
It's just so inspirational just to hear everyone.
Because then then I kind of connected on that level of like
having people come from different cultures that look

(01:08:42):
like, you know, that was very intriguing to me.
I hope that I'll be able to go to another one someday, you
know? Well, there, there was a huge
gap. So my, it was my second year was
the last time it was close to here.
It was up in Philly and then, you know, it's been in Australia

(01:09:03):
and Brazil. I know I knew some people who
went down to Rio for that one. And then the last one before
this one got cancelled because of COVID.
So this was the first one back. But so I hadn't had a chance to
go to a world. And my second year I was just, I
don't know, that shit was going on.
And I didn't, I didn't end up getting up to Philly.

(01:09:24):
So this is my first world convention too.
And yeah, and I've been to OceanCity a whole bunch of times.
And yeah, that was like world convention was massive.
It was crazy. It was, it's crazy.
It was, it's 10 times the size of Ocean City.
And it was. Unbelievable.
Yeah, dude, I I got so much merch like, and he was like, how

(01:09:47):
much did you spend in a merch? I was like, I don't want to tell
you. Yeah, yeah.
None of your business, Andy. Mind your business.
If you listen to this, mind yourfucking.
Business. Yeah.
But then I got him merch, too, that he, like, loves.
So it was just a beautiful experience.
Yeah. I hope one day I can do that,
like, with my kids one day, you know?
Yeah. And they can understand how

(01:10:09):
Mommy got better, you know? That might be a title layer, but
how mommy got better. Oh, that.
Is a good. Title.
That's a really good title. What else you got?
So I keep hearing that you sing.So what?
What do you sing? Like what style of music?
And how long have you been like doing music?

(01:10:31):
And do you play anything else ordo you just sing?
She plays piano. Weren't you listening?
Well, I heard that she plays. City Piano.
But she didn't like it, you know, she was like being forced
to play piano. You still play.
Piano. I can still play piano, I just
haven't practiced it actively ina while.
I love like going and being in the karaoke scenes for so many

(01:10:53):
years. I was with my ex fiance.
It's such a fucking long ass word to say but let's just call
him. I don't even know, asshole.
Five years, five years, five years, like 10 years with
abusive partners, you know? But I like to sing a variety of

(01:11:15):
things. I'm actually, I love listening
to all types of music. I'm not picky when it comes to
music. Andy did say, well, have you
ever heard of dolphin core? I was like what the fuck is that
Dolphin core? Is it some sort of ridiculous
metal? I with dolphin sounds?
I don't fucking know. That's my envision.
That's whale. You don't.
You don't. Speak whale.

(01:11:36):
Sorry. But yeah, I love singing so like
my go to karaoke song is Zombie by the Cranberry.
That's a great pick. Yeah, a great pick.
I like Santeria by Sublime. Yes, I've sang.
I've sang karaoke to that one. No.
Nice. Yeah, Sublime was always one of
my karaoke goat twos. And Enter Sandman Mantaga.

(01:11:58):
Nice. I can't even say it.
Yep. So you gotta come.
We gotta jam. Hell yeah.
That'll be awesome. So it's just, I think now being
spiritual, 'cause I have kind oflike a weird relationship with
the G word. Yeah, well, you're a Catholic,
of course. Yeah, all that shit.

(01:12:19):
But but I bring my kids. While I was in treatment, my mom
and my brother started taking them to church regularly.
I hadn't done that for a long time.
We would go like on Easter or like for Korean years or
Christmas, right? But my daughter was.
I love Church Christmas Church because they have the dopest

(01:12:40):
hymns. Yeah, they do.
Dude the the best, the best church hymns were Christmas.
Yeah, and like. Skyly night and O Holy Night
and. Then hearing the Korean version
of that is really cool too. Oh yeah.
So I, I don't know, it was. I'm trying to reconnect with it.

(01:13:01):
I feel that's something where I'm I'm progressing.
My my sister and I will literally go to church around
Christmas just to. Sing.
Just to sing the hymns because they're so awesome.
Like we are not practicing Christians in any way
whatsoever, but like we have that memory of like, you know,
just wailing in like this awesome acoustic room and.

(01:13:21):
Like right? You can sing as loud as you
want. What's your favorite Christmas
hymn? Dude, it's gotta be silent
night. Silent night is amazing to sing
when it's a whole room of people.
It's fucking awesome. And also they did at your church
where they give you a candle so you get to like hold your.
Candle. Yes.
Hell yeah. So me and my sisters would be
totally shitty and we'd put all our candles together and make

(01:13:41):
like a giant plane. Oh my God, sounds like a thing.
We were a fucking menace. Yeah, I just, I'm looking up the
lyrics of Silent Night. Maybe we could sing it.
No. No, not on the air.
No, you might. You might get me on Christmas.
Not tonight. OK.
But yeah, what else? What were you just saying?

(01:14:04):
Problem with the G word. Oh, Vera has been wanting to do
ultra surfing. She's been doing it OK for like
over a year now. And it costs money to be an
ultra server. What?
I don't know. Yeah, it's like 120 bucks per
year. I guess they have stuff like you
got to get like your outfits, but.

(01:14:26):
Oh, for Catholics. Yeah, yeah.
So I don't know, it's I'll bringher to those.
I'll bring them to church, but Idon't feel like I'll do it for
the kids and my mother. I just feel a little out of
place there. Also, like church for me when I
was in high school was like where I learned to steal shit.
Like, you know, around the church kids.

(01:14:47):
Like they were the ones who stole first.
I was like, whoa, what are you doing?
Like it's crazy. Yeah, not supposed to do that.
It was, it was crazy. Yeah.
And it, I don't know. I also like went to a church
lock in ones with the older adults and they just like had so

(01:15:10):
much soju there. Like it was weird.
Oh, I feel so bad. But but I think it's a good
community for my kids. Like, it's come a long way for
sure. And there's some good kids
there. So I'm, I think, you know, I
feel a little out of place, but I find spirituality through

(01:15:30):
music. Yeah, all the time.
You've rounded that back so wellbecause we had completely gone
from like karaoke just into likechurch hymns and then all the
way. And then you were like.
But then music is very. Spiritual, yeah.
It's just how my brain works. That was a perfect roundabout.
Three different tangents, and then we go back to the
beginning. And my final question is, you

(01:15:52):
know, how have you, like you said you were like doing EMDR
and you know, working on yourself obviously in recovery
and outside as well, but like having like, you know, some
daddy issues and like some very difficult trauma with men.
How difficult has that been to work through and also like

(01:16:13):
finding a really good guy like Andy?
Right. So the great thing about
recovery is that we learn how totalk, right?
We learn that holding it in is how you end up being where you
were in the 1st place. I was the master of suppression,
right? Yeah, I was.
That. That's a great title too.

(01:16:34):
Though Eric, the master of suppression.
Oh damn it. No, the other one's better.
Yeah, that. One's better, but that's pretty
good. OK, so you were the master of
suppression. Yeah, I learned from my dad, the
master of suppressing and. Master of Pup is going through.
My head That's right, it's like a.
Master. Sorry, but it's just like, I
would just do, I think I would think like I had no time to

(01:16:57):
stop. I have no time to feel.
I just keep doing it and I'll just smoke it away anyways.
You know, that was the way I looked at it.
Yeah. But in recovery, it's like I
have people I can talk to that Ican.
I have. I talked to Christina almost
every day about every day she's.Just student sponsor.
Yeah, nice. Yeah, the first person I met in

(01:17:17):
recovery is my sponsor. Have you listened to her
podcast? I I did her.
Podcast. Is amazing.
It was the funniest, the whole Ialways talk about the docking
story. So you know, it's it's been if
something were to bother me, I at least don't hold my tongue

(01:17:39):
about it. I communicate.
And that's something I really cherish about Andy and my
relationship is that I'm able totell him when something's
bothering me, that if something genuinely hurt my feelings.
And he does the same for me too.That's we really have strong
communication. We're both working on a
recovery, but, but separately, but also we like go to meetings

(01:18:03):
together sometimes. But we, our, our recovery is
separate, but we are able to uplift each other.
And he understands my sensory needs.
Like I'm, I'm, I'm like my kids and I are both sensory as fuck.
Like you look at my car, it's full of fidgets.
I have probably like 4 in my bagright now.
And it's just I, I understand that very well.

(01:18:30):
And I was going somewhere with this.
What was I going with this? What was the question again?
Dealing with, you know, daddy issues, trouble with men and
then coming to, you know. Yeah, with Andy.
Build a good relationship. Yeah, first time in a long time.

(01:18:51):
Exactly. He also like keeps telling me
how I can better myself, but I'm, I don't feel the
codependency that I feel like, oh, his happiness makes my
happiness. You know, I just try to be there
for him and support him if he's having a bad day.

(01:19:11):
I, I do, I am still like I'm on mode, everybody, girlfriend
mode, whatever sister mode, it'sall like the same thing.
So, you know, I'm a very caretaker type of person to a
fault, you know, like your, yourcomfort is better than my
comfort. As long as you're good, I'm, I'm

(01:19:32):
fine, right. But we're still learning about
things. You know, we're, we're in our
year 2 of recovery. He's got about half a year in
front of me, but it's all like aprocess.
And I see that we just getting closer.
Whatever we might have dealt with last year, we've gotten

(01:19:52):
better from already. Yeah.
And it's just we're watching each other get better
individually. And he said, like we both agree,
if we're not working on it ourselves independently, then
you can't work as a unit, you know?
And I think communication is such a big part.
And we're learning to trust in this process, too, which is a

(01:20:14):
huge thing. And EMDR.
Yep. All right.
You got any last questions, Eric?
No, I think we're it. That's it.
All right. We would like to thank our guest
Michelle for joining us this evening.
Yay. One last quick minute to talk to
anybody out there struggling. Need to hear a message of hope?
What do you have to say directlyto them?

(01:20:38):
Wait, you silent no holy night? Nope.
Nope. Not good.
Holy's calm. Holy's bright.
Nope. OK, that's it.
That's all you get. Yeah.

(01:20:58):
So anybody out there listening, struggling, just have a silent
night. You know, A holy night.
That sounds like death. Have a silent night.
I can't believe you'd have me todo that.
Yeah. Silent.
I just dope. Dude.
Dude, when you hear a whole. Choir I'm.
Just a whole room singing together.
It is talking. It is a.

(01:21:19):
Bang. I'm just saying, the way that
you said it made it sound more like a hit, you know?
Dude, it is a hit. It's like it's a hit by Jesus,
man. Jesus wrote that right to the he
took two days behind a rock and a cave was like, let me write
this banger out. Christ the Savior, for I'm
risen. Yeah.

(01:21:40):
So basically, let's say I'll I'll kind of somehow connect
that to Silent Night. OK?
You're like a phoenix, right? We're reborn from our ashes,
right? Used to be the name of my bong,
but I'm renaming it to my process now.
Nice. The phoenix.
Yeah. But I just feel like I'm reborn.

(01:22:01):
I never thought this kind of lifestyle was possible, but it
is. It's just, it's just about
breaking the cycle. It really is about breaking the
cycle, ending the loops and juststarting to show up for yourself
finally, because we all deserve it.
Yeah. All right, everybody.
Thanks for joining us once again.

(01:22:21):
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