June 24, 2025 • 23 mins
This month on the Real Happy Mom Podcast, we’re doing something special! I’m sharing some of the most powerful moments from the 2025 Let’s Get More Time Virtual Summit—so if you missed it (or just need a mid-year reset), you’re in for a treat.
In each episode, you’ll hear from expert speakers who share simple, practical ways to help you take back your time, build routines that actually work, and finally feel like you’re not always playing catch-up.
Want the full experience? You can grab the Let’s Get More Time 2025 Recordings PLUS two powerhouse bonuses:
- 💻 The Home Management Trellotastic Power Pack (valued at $67) — a done-for-you Trello system to keep your home life running smoothly
- 📓 The Ultimate Habit Journal (valued at $27) — your guide to building and sticking with habits, even when life is busy
All of this for just $17 — no fluff, just the tools that work.
👉🏽 Grab it now at realhappymom.com/moretime
Let’s help you get more time, more peace, and more control—starting today.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Toni-Ann (00:01):
Hey, and welcome to the Real Happy Mom Podcast.
This month on the Real Happy MomPodcast, we're doing something
special.
I'm sharing some of my mostpowerful moments from the 2025
Let's Get More Time VirtualSummit.
So if you missed it or you justneed a mid-year, reset your in
for a treat.
In each episode this month,you're going to hear from
(00:22):
experts who share simple,practical ways to help you take
back your time, build routinesthat actually work, and finally
feel like you're not alwaysplaying catch up.
If you want the full experience,you can grab the Let's Get More
Time 2025 recordings plus twopowerhouse bonuses, which
include the Home Management,Trellotastic Power Pack, which
(00:43):
is a done for you Trello systemto help you keep your home
running smoothly.
And the Ultimate Habit Journal,which is your guide to building
and sticking with habits evenwhen life gets busy you can get
all the recordings plus thosebonuses in a workbook, all for
just$17 during this month.
This is a toolkit that has allthe tools that are actually
(01:05):
gonna work for you.
So you can go ahead and grab itat realhappymom.com/moretime.
Now let's help you get moretime, more peace, and more
control starting today.
Hello there and welcome.
My name is Latasha Kennedy and Iam beyond excited to be here
(01:26):
with you today.
I hope you're ready to have yourparenting game completely
transformed, because today I'mgoing to be discussing some
concepts and strategies that canhelp you navigate conflict with
your kids.
Before we get started, I wannashare a little about me.
I'm a wife of 20 years to thesame gorgeous, amazing man I
(01:47):
fell in love with when we werelate teens.
Together.
We're raising two sons who are17 and 11, and I just love my
kids so much.
My boys are rambunctious.
They are wild at heart.
They're sweet, they're smart,but they're crazy.
My kids have so much energy,they have so much to say and
(02:11):
contribute to any givensituation.
So they really keep me and myhusband on our toes with no.
Like sign of letting up on usanytime soon.
I know firsthand what it takes,like the bandwidth, the
capacity, the thoughtfulness,the patience, you know, and the
(02:31):
prayers to navigate the ups anddowns of raising kids.
And when there's a season ofconflict, of just ongoing
battles in the home.
It can really suck the air andthe joy out of the room.
So trust me, I've certainly beenthere.
I have had my own seasons ofconflict in my home that I've
(02:52):
had to navigate, but today is adifferent day because I come to
you with good news and to letthat there is hope.
It doesn't have to be this way.
And in fact, when we approachthose challenging moments with
love, wisdom, and the righttools, we can actually
strengthen our bond with ourkids in really incredible ways.
(03:14):
The way we handle conflict sendsa powerful message not just to
our kids, but to ourselves aswell.
Are we going to react in a waythat pushes them away, leaving
them feeling isolated,embarrassed, or even demeaned?
Or are we going to create anenvironment where they feel
heard, respected, and empoweredto work through challenges in a
(03:35):
healthy way?
I don't know about you, but thesecond option is the name of the
game for me.
I.
Because when we lead with loveand understanding, we open the
door for our kids to reallycommunicate with us.
We create a space for reasoningand teaching and reinforcing the
family rules and expectations,and ultimately the consequences
(03:58):
that are fair and appropriate.
What I'm sharing with you todayis intentional authoritative
parenting that is positive andthat keeps the long-term growth
and development of your child inmind.
This is about raising resilient,confident children that are able
to go out in the world, livewherever they want, do the work,
(04:21):
their purpose to do, and to doit well and with excellence.
And in order to do that, we astheir parents have to show up
willing to.
Put a stake in the ground andsay, I am your mom.
And so as a result of that, herelies what the expectations are.
Here lies how you can anticipatehow I will respond.
(04:44):
Here's how I'll hold myselfaccountable.
To dealing with you even duringdifficult times.
And in doing that, you're ableto build a relationship with
your child over time that issteeped in trust.
Our kids need to know that if noone fights for them, if no one
advocates for them, that theirparents will, and not because
(05:05):
they're just sweet and cute andthey they're ours, but because
we wanna be on the right side ofthe story as it relates to our
children.
And if our children are wrong,and if our children do require,
you know, the consequence thatwe will walk with them and
support them in that as well.
I.
(05:25):
Okay, so my mission today is toequip you with the tools and
strategies to navigate conflictwith your children, with love
and grace, and build stronger,more fulfilling relationships
within your family.
Today we're going to explore howto handle conflicts that are
come up and within your home.
But the foundation of it all isbuilding a bond with your child
(05:48):
that's rooted in consistentlove, affirmation and
encouragement.
And when your kids know thatwithout a shadow of a doubt that
they are cherished and supportedno matter what, that's when real
transformation in the familyhappens.
So I want you to take some timeto close down those tabs on your
(06:08):
computer.
Put down your phone.
Grab a notebook, take some notesso that you can write those down
to revisit, because by the endof our time together, you'll
have strategies that you can useto really help you to navigate
some of the toughest parentingmoments with your children with
(06:30):
grace and confidence.
Alright, so let's get started.
I actually wanna start with astory because I think that.
One of the things I love aboutmotherhood is when we gather, we
get to really share some awesomestories.
I think some of my favoritestories are from moms.
(06:51):
So the story I wanna share withyou is a story that took place
in 2020.
It was during the time of COVIDwhen my kids had to, you know,
come out out of school and behomeschooled.
And so they were always hometogether, you know, and my kids
went to the same school.
My oldest son, Elijah was, uh,at the time in middle school.
(07:15):
And Jojo, my youngest was infirst grade.
He was finishing first grade.
And so.
Because they had similarfriends.
They would when their day wasover, they loved to play
Fortnite together fr with theirfriends.
And when I say their friends, Ireally mean my youngest son had
adopted his bro older brother'sfriends.
(07:38):
So it was Josiah playing withElijah's friends.
Okay.
And Josiah just had a ball justplaying with his friends and you
know, enjoying time with them.
And he didn't so much enjoy.
Game time with his brotherbecause his brother was super
competitive and you know, wasalways winning.
(07:58):
And Josiah has always hated tolose and so they would often
file cry.
He would be so upset that helost.
And I was always trying toreferee those conflicts.
And Elijah would continue toask, Josiah, would you like to
play with me?
And Josiah would continue toturn him down, or he would, you
know, maybe one out of 10 timeswhen he is asked to play would
(08:22):
say, yes.
He would lose, he would cry.
We, that whole thing, right?
And so Josiah just started toconsistently say, no, thank you.
Yeah.
No, I don't wanna play.
No, I don't wanna play.
And they were outside playingone day and one thing led to
another.
And before I know it, my kidsare tussling.
They're fighting, they'reyelling at each other, they're
(08:44):
upset.
And I am like, I've had enough,like what is going on?
So I call them in, they canbarely tell me what's going on
because they're both so upset.
So I put them in theirrespective, you know, places to
just go to Cool down.
And I tell my husband, listen,when you come home, we have to,
we we're gonna have to figureout something so that we can try
(09:06):
to help the kids get back ontrack.
So he comes home and he wantedto explore this approach that he
learned in one of our favoritebooks by Stephen Covey called
Seven Habits of Highly EffectivePeople.
And this particular habit wasSeek first to understand.
And so there's a story toldabout a Native American tribe
(09:31):
where the chief would have atalking stick and before he
would pass on the talking stick,someone had to be able to share
with him what he said anddemonstrate that they understood
not just what he said, but whathe meant, right?
And so we took a page out ofthis book and we grabbed one of
(09:53):
the stuff, animals.
And we gave it to Elijah, forElijah to be able to share his
feelings about what was goingon.
And then we would ask Josiah andJosiah, do you understand what
your brother said?
And this sort of went on for anhour to really get clarity
because so often when we we'redealing with our, our friends,
(10:16):
or especially our family, andespecially our kids, we're not
always listening.
To what's being said.
And so then we end up respondingin a, to a statement that was
not made or to a question thatwas not asked.
And so when we seek first tounderstand, we are able to glean
(10:42):
clarity from the person who'stalking to us.
And so often what we have doneand, and what we did in that
moment was to tell Elijah tosay.
So what I hear you saying is,and then to repeat exactly what
his brother said, Josiah, whatyou will say is what I hear you
(11:04):
saying is, and then to repeatwhat Elijah said, and we were so
surprised at how that helpedthem get on the same plane.
And for Elijah to realize fromhis brother Josiah, that it is
not as, hi, it's, it was not hisintent to hurt his feelings or
(11:26):
to make him feel less than.
He just doesn't always enjoyplaying with him because he
hates to lose.
And for it Josiah to understandthat his brother does love him
and enjoys playing with him.
He just has to win some time inorder for this to be fun, right?
And so that conversation that wehad at the time of this
(11:49):
reporting, which was about fiveyears ago, has really helped put
our sons on a trajectory to beable to communicate with each
other in a way that's incrediblyeffective.
And so even though they are notabsolved fully of ever having a
conflict, they do have the toolsnow to be able to resolve those
(12:10):
conflicts.
Through effective communication.
And so I tell you that storybecause I want you to be in the
mindset of laying a foundationwhere you position yourself to
listen.
I.
To really hear from your kids,to really understand what it is
(12:31):
that they're saying, and tolisten enough to even hear what
they're not saying, so that youcan ask the pertinent questions
that will help you get to thebottom of whatever the conflict
is that you guys are navigatingat that time.
Okay, so now with that story inmind, I like to discuss some key
(12:51):
principles that will guide youthrough conflict filled moments.
There's some groundwork that wecan lay ahead of time to make
those challenging moments mucheasier.
Essentially, we want to be onthe offense and lay a foundation
with our kids that is basedheavily in one thing and that
one thing is love.
(13:13):
It's not performance, notgrades, not how well they
cleaned their room, not whetheror not they ate all their
vegetables, not if they listenedto their teacher.
None of that.
Only love.
Love for who they are.
Love for the way they laugh,love for the joy they bring,
(13:33):
right?
It's proactive and it'sunconditional.
And affirmations like these,especially for mom, when you're
intentionally pouring into yourkids with words of love and
encouragement, day in and dayout, have a profound.
Impact on your kids.
When you look your kids in theeyes and you tell them that
(13:55):
you're proud of them for beingbrave, that you're pleased,
impressed by how they handled asituation.
These things are so impactful.
Recently, I told my kids howmuch I love picking them up at
three o'clock.
And it was my oldest son whostopped everything and looked at
me and said, really?
And I said, yes.
And he said, why?
(14:16):
I said, because I love that whenyou get in the car, you're
either one of two ways.
You're either hungry and silent,which I know, and I take you to
get something to eat, or you'recompletely chatty, ready to tell
me everything.
Have a full rant about all thethings that happened that blew
your mind.
And it's my favorite part of theday.
(14:37):
It's the part of the day I amunwilling to negotiate with
others.
And so I communicated that to mykids because I want them to know
how much I enjoy being theirmother.
And so, because I know thatconflict is inevitable and that
things could happen, that couldcause us to have to sit at the
(15:00):
kitchen table and work thingsout.
I want those conflicts.
To be bathed in love.
And so when things are goinggreat, I am intentional about
telling my children how much Ilove them because when you do
that, you build a, a solidfoundation of unconditional love
(15:24):
in the home, and it really doeschange everything.
So when your kids really know inthe depths of their hearts that
your love for them isn't basedon their performance or their
perfection, but simply on thefact that you are their mama,
that changes the game.
It means that when conflict doesarise, and it will, they will
(15:47):
feel secure enough to reallyopen up and communicate, which
is inevitably what you want.
Right.
So in order to get what youwant, you have to do a little
bit of work on the front end.
And of course, I know like asmoms, I'm sure you're already
telling your child, I love you.
This isn't just so much aboutpassing, I love you.
(16:07):
This is those moments when yourkid is like searching for a
snack and you give them a hugand tell them, I really love
your smile.
Have I told you that lately?
You smell so good, right?
Just things that are them.
It's about them, theircharacter, the things that make
(16:27):
them shine.
I've seen my children light upjust from me telling them, I
just think you're amazing.
I'm just so happy that I get tobe your mom.
Right?
It changes everything for achild.
They know your love isn't goinganywhere no matter what, and
then for you, you get toapproach these moments with
(16:48):
wisdom, with firmness.
And most importantly, grace.
You don't have to whisper ortiptoe, like I said earlier.
In fact, standing your groundand enforcing family rules is
essential, but you also don'thave to resort to yelling
insults.
And I think having ground rulesin the home in terms of how we
(17:11):
communicate is also veryimportant.
For example, in my family, thereis no walking away when
someone's talking.
When anyone is speaking, it isexpected that eye contact is
made, and so I don't want youlooking at the floor when I'm
talking to you, right?
We make eye contact.
(17:31):
We also don't use inappropriatelanguage.
We don't curse at our children.
We don't expect our children tobe cursing at us.
There's no slamming doors.
There's no yelling at the top ofyour lungs.
There's no insults thrown.
Okay?
We can have a conversation aboutwhat is going on and what the
(17:52):
frustrations and the challengesare, um, between the parties
without walking away from thisfeeling as mom, I might feel
that way because you're just notlistening.
You know, I feel like you'rejust totally taking advantage of
all the resources, butseriously.
It doesn't have to be that way.
(18:12):
Setting ground rules in thetimes when there are no
challenges when you're justhaving dinner, when it's like
you guys, I really, I reallythink we could probably do a
better job of communicatingduring some difficult times and
sharing the things that havegone off the cliff a little bit
when you are in the midst of aconflict setting.
(18:34):
Ground rules, you know, theseare the things that we're gonna
do so that we always honor eachother.
Because we're a family.
I love you.
I know you love us, and I wantthat to always be known because
the conflict will pass.
But what doesn't often pass iswhat you said and what you said
(18:56):
that may have been demeaning orinsulting.
And so you just don't wanna takeit there because your kids, they
don't forget.
You know?
They don't forget.
I wanna review some of thetakeaways from what I've shared.
Number one, focus on therelationship.
I know it's tempting to justwant to win the argument in the
(19:16):
heat of the moment, but I reallywant you to take a step back and
remember what's truly important,preserving the lifelong bond
with you and your kid.
Okay?
The battle may be momentary, butthe relationship is forever.
Little Timmy is so upset that hecan't have a cookie.
And for the last 15 days youhave been telling your child
(19:39):
that he cannot have the cookiebefore dinner and he is not
hearing you.
He's just not hearing you.
Right.
And so you can blow a gasketreally from the repetitive
nature and feeling like yourchild is just trying to like
wear you down.
So that he can win, right?
(20:01):
And so sometimes in the effortto just shut the child down, we
break their spirit.
And I'm urging you not to dothat, to find another way to
offer another, uh, recourse.
Whether it be, listen, babe,this is the last time you and I
are gonna have thisconversation, okay?
(20:22):
Mommy said no, mommy means no.
And even if you ask me tomorrow.
If you ask me next week, if youask me 20 years from now, it's
still gonna be no.
Okay, so I need you to put thecookie down now.
If you yell, if you scream, ifyou crumble this cookie on the
floor and make a million piecesfor mommy to pick up, guess
(20:44):
what?
You are picking it up.
We're gonna go get that littlebroom over there and you're
gonna pick up all the millionpieces while mommy goes.
Sits down, right?
That's intentional, that'sauthoritative, and that says,
don't mess with me kid.
Do not mess with me.
Okay?
And when you do it enough, theyunderstand that you mean
(21:07):
business and you tend to be ableto shut down issues a lot sooner
than just, you know, bribing or.
Saying or, or just getting upsetand yelling and just telling the
kid to get outta your face.
Okay, number two, empathy andunderstanding before you jump to
(21:29):
conclusions or start dishing outconsequences.
Take a deep breath and try tosee things from your child's
perspective.
What might be triggering thisbehavior?
What big emotions are theystruggling to process?
Approach with an open heart anda listening ear.
So that just goes back to thatstory that I was telling you,
where you seek first tounderstand and to really glean
(21:51):
from the situation what you'rehearing, what you're not
hearing, what is going on withyour kid, and in all of it, to
put a stake in the ground andlet that kid know you are loved.
I know that this is tough.
I know that this is frustrating.
But I'm here and I really wannaunderstand what's going on
(22:11):
because I really wanna help.
So let me ask you this.
Are you saying this?
Are you saying that, and basedon the answers, be able to build
out a conversation that for bothof you feels authentic and
organic, and that keeps the dooropen for your child.
(22:33):
Clear communication is next.
Now that does it for this episode of The Real Happy
Mom Podcast.
Make sure you head over torealhappymom.com/moretime to
listen to this full presentationas well as the other recordings,
plus some really great bonuses.
Okay, and check back next weekfor another one of the great
(22:57):
presentations from the Let's GetMore Time Summit.
Take care, and with lots oflove.
Hey, and welcome to the Real Happy Mom Podcast.
This month on the Real Happy MomPodcast, we're doing something
special.
I'm sharing some of my mostpowerful moments from the 2025
Let's Get More Time VirtualSummit.
So if you missed it or you justneed a mid-year, reset your in
for a treat.
In each episode this month,you're going to hear from
(00:22):
experts who share simple,practical ways to help you take
back your time, build routinesthat actually work, and finally
feel like you're not alwaysplaying catch up.
If you want the full experience,you can grab the Let's Get More
Time 2025 recordings plus twopowerhouse bonuses, which
include the Home Management,Trellotastic Power Pack, which
(00:43):
is a done for you Trello systemto help you keep your home
running smoothly.
And the Ultimate Habit Journal,which is your guide to building
and sticking with habits evenwhen life gets busy you can get
all the recordings plus thosebonuses in a workbook, all for
just$17 during this month.
This is a toolkit that has allthe tools that are actually
(01:05):
gonna work for you.
So you can go ahead and grab itat realhappymom.com/moretime.
Now let's help you get moretime, more peace, and more
control starting today.
Hello there and welcome.
My name is Latasha Kennedy and Iam beyond excited to be here
(01:26):
with you today.
I hope you're ready to have yourparenting game completely
transformed, because today I'mgoing to be discussing some
concepts and strategies that canhelp you navigate conflict with
your kids.
Before we get started, I wannashare a little about me.
I'm a wife of 20 years to thesame gorgeous, amazing man I
(01:47):
fell in love with when we werelate teens.
Together.
We're raising two sons who are17 and 11, and I just love my
kids so much.
My boys are rambunctious.
They are wild at heart.
They're sweet, they're smart,but they're crazy.
My kids have so much energy,they have so much to say and
(02:11):
contribute to any givensituation.
So they really keep me and myhusband on our toes with no.
Like sign of letting up on usanytime soon.
I know firsthand what it takes,like the bandwidth, the
capacity, the thoughtfulness,the patience, you know, and the
(02:31):
prayers to navigate the ups anddowns of raising kids.
And when there's a season ofconflict, of just ongoing
battles in the home.
It can really suck the air andthe joy out of the room.
So trust me, I've certainly beenthere.
I have had my own seasons ofconflict in my home that I've
(02:52):
had to navigate, but today is adifferent day because I come to
you with good news and to letthat there is hope.
It doesn't have to be this way.
And in fact, when we approachthose challenging moments with
love, wisdom, and the righttools, we can actually
strengthen our bond with ourkids in really incredible ways.
(03:14):
The way we handle conflict sendsa powerful message not just to
our kids, but to ourselves aswell.
Are we going to react in a waythat pushes them away, leaving
them feeling isolated,embarrassed, or even demeaned?
Or are we going to create anenvironment where they feel
heard, respected, and empoweredto work through challenges in a
(03:35):
healthy way?
I don't know about you, but thesecond option is the name of the
game for me.
I.
Because when we lead with loveand understanding, we open the
door for our kids to reallycommunicate with us.
We create a space for reasoningand teaching and reinforcing the
family rules and expectations,and ultimately the consequences
(03:58):
that are fair and appropriate.
What I'm sharing with you todayis intentional authoritative
parenting that is positive andthat keeps the long-term growth
and development of your child inmind.
This is about raising resilient,confident children that are able
to go out in the world, livewherever they want, do the work,
(04:21):
their purpose to do, and to doit well and with excellence.
And in order to do that, we astheir parents have to show up
willing to.
Put a stake in the ground andsay, I am your mom.
And so as a result of that, herelies what the expectations are.
Here lies how you can anticipatehow I will respond.
(04:44):
Here's how I'll hold myselfaccountable.
To dealing with you even duringdifficult times.
And in doing that, you're ableto build a relationship with
your child over time that issteeped in trust.
Our kids need to know that if noone fights for them, if no one
advocates for them, that theirparents will, and not because
(05:05):
they're just sweet and cute andthey they're ours, but because
we wanna be on the right side ofthe story as it relates to our
children.
And if our children are wrong,and if our children do require,
you know, the consequence thatwe will walk with them and
support them in that as well.
I.
(05:25):
Okay, so my mission today is toequip you with the tools and
strategies to navigate conflictwith your children, with love
and grace, and build stronger,more fulfilling relationships
within your family.
Today we're going to explore howto handle conflicts that are
come up and within your home.
But the foundation of it all isbuilding a bond with your child
(05:48):
that's rooted in consistentlove, affirmation and
encouragement.
And when your kids know thatwithout a shadow of a doubt that
they are cherished and supportedno matter what, that's when real
transformation in the familyhappens.
So I want you to take some timeto close down those tabs on your
(06:08):
computer.
Put down your phone.
Grab a notebook, take some notesso that you can write those down
to revisit, because by the endof our time together, you'll
have strategies that you can useto really help you to navigate
some of the toughest parentingmoments with your children with
(06:30):
grace and confidence.
Alright, so let's get started.
I actually wanna start with astory because I think that.
One of the things I love aboutmotherhood is when we gather, we
get to really share some awesomestories.
I think some of my favoritestories are from moms.
(06:51):
So the story I wanna share withyou is a story that took place
in 2020.
It was during the time of COVIDwhen my kids had to, you know,
come out out of school and behomeschooled.
And so they were always hometogether, you know, and my kids
went to the same school.
My oldest son, Elijah was, uh,at the time in middle school.
(07:15):
And Jojo, my youngest was infirst grade.
He was finishing first grade.
And so.
Because they had similarfriends.
They would when their day wasover, they loved to play
Fortnite together fr with theirfriends.
And when I say their friends, Ireally mean my youngest son had
adopted his bro older brother'sfriends.
(07:38):
So it was Josiah playing withElijah's friends.
Okay.
And Josiah just had a ball justplaying with his friends and you
know, enjoying time with them.
And he didn't so much enjoy.
Game time with his brotherbecause his brother was super
competitive and you know, wasalways winning.
(07:58):
And Josiah has always hated tolose and so they would often
file cry.
He would be so upset that helost.
And I was always trying toreferee those conflicts.
And Elijah would continue toask, Josiah, would you like to
play with me?
And Josiah would continue toturn him down, or he would, you
know, maybe one out of 10 timeswhen he is asked to play would
(08:22):
say, yes.
He would lose, he would cry.
We, that whole thing, right?
And so Josiah just started toconsistently say, no, thank you.
Yeah.
No, I don't wanna play.
No, I don't wanna play.
And they were outside playingone day and one thing led to
another.
And before I know it, my kidsare tussling.
They're fighting, they'reyelling at each other, they're
(08:44):
upset.
And I am like, I've had enough,like what is going on?
So I call them in, they canbarely tell me what's going on
because they're both so upset.
So I put them in theirrespective, you know, places to
just go to Cool down.
And I tell my husband, listen,when you come home, we have to,
we we're gonna have to figureout something so that we can try
(09:06):
to help the kids get back ontrack.
So he comes home and he wantedto explore this approach that he
learned in one of our favoritebooks by Stephen Covey called
Seven Habits of Highly EffectivePeople.
And this particular habit wasSeek first to understand.
And so there's a story toldabout a Native American tribe
(09:31):
where the chief would have atalking stick and before he
would pass on the talking stick,someone had to be able to share
with him what he said anddemonstrate that they understood
not just what he said, but whathe meant, right?
And so we took a page out ofthis book and we grabbed one of
(09:53):
the stuff, animals.
And we gave it to Elijah, forElijah to be able to share his
feelings about what was goingon.
And then we would ask Josiah andJosiah, do you understand what
your brother said?
And this sort of went on for anhour to really get clarity
because so often when we we'redealing with our, our friends,
(10:16):
or especially our family, andespecially our kids, we're not
always listening.
To what's being said.
And so then we end up respondingin a, to a statement that was
not made or to a question thatwas not asked.
And so when we seek first tounderstand, we are able to glean
(10:42):
clarity from the person who'stalking to us.
And so often what we have doneand, and what we did in that
moment was to tell Elijah tosay.
So what I hear you saying is,and then to repeat exactly what
his brother said, Josiah, whatyou will say is what I hear you
(11:04):
saying is, and then to repeatwhat Elijah said, and we were so
surprised at how that helpedthem get on the same plane.
And for Elijah to realize fromhis brother Josiah, that it is
not as, hi, it's, it was not hisintent to hurt his feelings or
(11:26):
to make him feel less than.
He just doesn't always enjoyplaying with him because he
hates to lose.
And for it Josiah to understandthat his brother does love him
and enjoys playing with him.
He just has to win some time inorder for this to be fun, right?
And so that conversation that wehad at the time of this
(11:49):
reporting, which was about fiveyears ago, has really helped put
our sons on a trajectory to beable to communicate with each
other in a way that's incrediblyeffective.
And so even though they are notabsolved fully of ever having a
conflict, they do have the toolsnow to be able to resolve those
(12:10):
conflicts.
Through effective communication.
And so I tell you that storybecause I want you to be in the
mindset of laying a foundationwhere you position yourself to
listen.
I.
To really hear from your kids,to really understand what it is
(12:31):
that they're saying, and tolisten enough to even hear what
they're not saying, so that youcan ask the pertinent questions
that will help you get to thebottom of whatever the conflict
is that you guys are navigatingat that time.
Okay, so now with that story inmind, I like to discuss some key
(12:51):
principles that will guide youthrough conflict filled moments.
There's some groundwork that wecan lay ahead of time to make
those challenging moments mucheasier.
Essentially, we want to be onthe offense and lay a foundation
with our kids that is basedheavily in one thing and that
one thing is love.
(13:13):
It's not performance, notgrades, not how well they
cleaned their room, not whetheror not they ate all their
vegetables, not if they listenedto their teacher.
None of that.
Only love.
Love for who they are.
Love for the way they laugh,love for the joy they bring,
(13:33):
right?
It's proactive and it'sunconditional.
And affirmations like these,especially for mom, when you're
intentionally pouring into yourkids with words of love and
encouragement, day in and dayout, have a profound.
Impact on your kids.
When you look your kids in theeyes and you tell them that
(13:55):
you're proud of them for beingbrave, that you're pleased,
impressed by how they handled asituation.
These things are so impactful.
Recently, I told my kids howmuch I love picking them up at
three o'clock.
And it was my oldest son whostopped everything and looked at
me and said, really?
And I said, yes.
And he said, why?
(14:16):
I said, because I love that whenyou get in the car, you're
either one of two ways.
You're either hungry and silent,which I know, and I take you to
get something to eat, or you'recompletely chatty, ready to tell
me everything.
Have a full rant about all thethings that happened that blew
your mind.
And it's my favorite part of theday.
(14:37):
It's the part of the day I amunwilling to negotiate with
others.
And so I communicated that to mykids because I want them to know
how much I enjoy being theirmother.
And so, because I know thatconflict is inevitable and that
things could happen, that couldcause us to have to sit at the
(15:00):
kitchen table and work thingsout.
I want those conflicts.
To be bathed in love.
And so when things are goinggreat, I am intentional about
telling my children how much Ilove them because when you do
that, you build a, a solidfoundation of unconditional love
(15:24):
in the home, and it really doeschange everything.
So when your kids really know inthe depths of their hearts that
your love for them isn't basedon their performance or their
perfection, but simply on thefact that you are their mama,
that changes the game.
It means that when conflict doesarise, and it will, they will
(15:47):
feel secure enough to reallyopen up and communicate, which
is inevitably what you want.
Right.
So in order to get what youwant, you have to do a little
bit of work on the front end.
And of course, I know like asmoms, I'm sure you're already
telling your child, I love you.
This isn't just so much aboutpassing, I love you.
(16:07):
This is those moments when yourkid is like searching for a
snack and you give them a hugand tell them, I really love
your smile.
Have I told you that lately?
You smell so good, right?
Just things that are them.
It's about them, theircharacter, the things that make
(16:27):
them shine.
I've seen my children light upjust from me telling them, I
just think you're amazing.
I'm just so happy that I get tobe your mom.
Right?
It changes everything for achild.
They know your love isn't goinganywhere no matter what, and
then for you, you get toapproach these moments with
(16:48):
wisdom, with firmness.
And most importantly, grace.
You don't have to whisper ortiptoe, like I said earlier.
In fact, standing your groundand enforcing family rules is
essential, but you also don'thave to resort to yelling
insults.
And I think having ground rulesin the home in terms of how we
(17:11):
communicate is also veryimportant.
For example, in my family, thereis no walking away when
someone's talking.
When anyone is speaking, it isexpected that eye contact is
made, and so I don't want youlooking at the floor when I'm
talking to you, right?
We make eye contact.
(17:31):
We also don't use inappropriatelanguage.
We don't curse at our children.
We don't expect our children tobe cursing at us.
There's no slamming doors.
There's no yelling at the top ofyour lungs.
There's no insults thrown.
Okay?
We can have a conversation aboutwhat is going on and what the
(17:52):
frustrations and the challengesare, um, between the parties
without walking away from thisfeeling as mom, I might feel
that way because you're just notlistening.
You know, I feel like you'rejust totally taking advantage of
all the resources, butseriously.
It doesn't have to be that way.
(18:12):
Setting ground rules in thetimes when there are no
challenges when you're justhaving dinner, when it's like
you guys, I really, I reallythink we could probably do a
better job of communicatingduring some difficult times and
sharing the things that havegone off the cliff a little bit
when you are in the midst of aconflict setting.
(18:34):
Ground rules, you know, theseare the things that we're gonna
do so that we always honor eachother.
Because we're a family.
I love you.
I know you love us, and I wantthat to always be known because
the conflict will pass.
But what doesn't often pass iswhat you said and what you said
(18:56):
that may have been demeaning orinsulting.
And so you just don't wanna takeit there because your kids, they
don't forget.
You know?
They don't forget.
I wanna review some of thetakeaways from what I've shared.
Number one, focus on therelationship.
I know it's tempting to justwant to win the argument in the
(19:16):
heat of the moment, but I reallywant you to take a step back and
remember what's truly important,preserving the lifelong bond
with you and your kid.
Okay?
The battle may be momentary, butthe relationship is forever.
Little Timmy is so upset that hecan't have a cookie.
And for the last 15 days youhave been telling your child
(19:39):
that he cannot have the cookiebefore dinner and he is not
hearing you.
He's just not hearing you.
Right.
And so you can blow a gasketreally from the repetitive
nature and feeling like yourchild is just trying to like
wear you down.
So that he can win, right?
(20:01):
And so sometimes in the effortto just shut the child down, we
break their spirit.
And I'm urging you not to dothat, to find another way to
offer another, uh, recourse.
Whether it be, listen, babe,this is the last time you and I
are gonna have thisconversation, okay?
(20:22):
Mommy said no, mommy means no.
And even if you ask me tomorrow.
If you ask me next week, if youask me 20 years from now, it's
still gonna be no.
Okay, so I need you to put thecookie down now.
If you yell, if you scream, ifyou crumble this cookie on the
floor and make a million piecesfor mommy to pick up, guess
(20:44):
what?
You are picking it up.
We're gonna go get that littlebroom over there and you're
gonna pick up all the millionpieces while mommy goes.
Sits down, right?
That's intentional, that'sauthoritative, and that says,
don't mess with me kid.
Do not mess with me.
Okay?
And when you do it enough, theyunderstand that you mean
(21:07):
business and you tend to be ableto shut down issues a lot sooner
than just, you know, bribing or.
Saying or, or just getting upsetand yelling and just telling the
kid to get outta your face.
Okay, number two, empathy andunderstanding before you jump to
(21:29):
conclusions or start dishing outconsequences.
Take a deep breath and try tosee things from your child's
perspective.
What might be triggering thisbehavior?
What big emotions are theystruggling to process?
Approach with an open heart anda listening ear.
So that just goes back to thatstory that I was telling you,
where you seek first tounderstand and to really glean
(21:51):
from the situation what you'rehearing, what you're not
hearing, what is going on withyour kid, and in all of it, to
put a stake in the ground andlet that kid know you are loved.
I know that this is tough.
I know that this is frustrating.
But I'm here and I really wannaunderstand what's going on
(22:11):
because I really wanna help.
So let me ask you this.
Are you saying this?
Are you saying that, and basedon the answers, be able to build
out a conversation that for bothof you feels authentic and
organic, and that keeps the dooropen for your child.
(22:33):
Clear communication is next.
Now that does it for this episode of The Real Happy
Mom Podcast.
Make sure you head over torealhappymom.com/moretime to
listen to this full presentationas well as the other recordings,
plus some really great bonuses.
Okay, and check back next weekfor another one of the great
(22:57):
presentations from the Let's GetMore Time Summit.
Take care, and with lots oflove.
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