June 2, 2025 • 35 mins
Financial independence isn't just about luxury purchases. It could save your life. Pattie Ehsaei joins the podcast to share the powerful story behind her new book "Never Date a Broke Dude: The Financial Freedom Playbook," and shares powerful insights about financial independence as the ultimate form of self-love and protection.
Whether you're single, dating, or in a long-term partnership, this episode delivers crucial insights about protecting your financial future. Discover how financial literacy creates the freedom to build the life you truly want. Ready to transform your relationship with money and power? This conversation is your starting point.
Connect with Pattie Ehsaei:
https://www.pattieehsaei.com/
Pattie Ehsaei on TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@duchessofdecorum?_t=ZP-8wqxHU59sTu&_r=1
Pattie Ehsaei on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/duchessofdecorum/
Link to her book:
https://amzn.to/45HFkFk
Connect with Sabrina:
https://www.instagram.com/Sabrina_Soto/
www.SabrinaSoto.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Redesigning Life.
I'm your host, sabrina Soto,and this is the space where we
have honest conversations aboutpersonal growth, mindset shifts
and creating a life that feelstruly aligned.
In each episode, I'll talk toexperts in their fields who
share their insights to help youstep into your higher self.
Let's redesign your life fromthe inside out.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Patty Sabrina, I'm so happy to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Oh my God, I'm so excited to have this
conversation with you.
For people who don't know,patty Asai just came out with a
book.
It is amazing, patty.
What is the name of this book?
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Never Date a Broke Dude.
The Financial Freedom Playbook.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Okay, I love Pattyatti was actually on my
show.
She not only was a guest on theSabrina Soto show, but she also
did Breathwork, which I thoughtwas so brave of her, Patti, I
love this book because it's notwhat you think it is.
It's not about the broke dude,it's more about.
It's much deeper than that.
I can't wait to get into thismore because I think that we
(01:05):
don't talk about money enough,Absolutely, and especially women
.
We just think it's this topicthat we don't discuss and I've
always had this belief, maybebecause I went through a really
hard financial time growing up.
But that, women, it'sempowering to discuss money with
my friends because we help eachother.
We help each other withfinancial advice or even
(01:30):
investment advice, and we onlypush each other up.
So this is going to be a prettyamazing conversation.
I want to start off with thefact that you wrote that whoever
controls your money controlsyou.
Right.
Can you sort of and how yourmom's story really shaped your
mission, with the fact that youwrote that whoever controls your
money controls you?
Can you sort of and how yourmom's story really shaped your
mission?
What do you think women shouldhear about that?
(01:52):
Because once you hear that Ithink a lot.
There's a lot of people whopush back and say, no, you know,
I love that my husband doesthat, or I love that my partner
does that.
So can you kind of break downwhat you mean by?
Whoever controls your money,controls your life?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Yes, you know, the first thing is that we live in a
capitalist society.
We need money to survive.
So if you don't have money ofyour own, you're putting your
survival literally in somebodyelse's hands, and that is a very
dangerous situation to be, andthat's what happened with my
mother.
You know, I wrote this bookbecause I was inspired by my
(02:30):
mom's story.
You know, she didn't have theresources or the money to leave
a very mentally abusiverelationship and, at the end of
the day, it cost her everything,including her life, and I
wanted to use her story as acatalyst for change.
So no other woman suffers likemy mom, because it's more than
(02:51):
just can I buy this purse?
Can I buy this Birkin?
You know, can I buy the shoe?
It could literally be thedifference between life and
death.
Yeah, and when my, when myparents used to argue about
money, because when my mom wasin Iran, she was a powerhouse,
she had a great career, she mademore money than my dad did, and
(03:12):
, um, there were equal and thepower dynamics were equal.
And then, once we moved to theUnited States and she couldn't
pass the exams due to, due tothe language barrier, she ended
up being a housewife, and everytime she and my dad would argue,
she would take me in a room andshe would say do you see how my
life has changed?
Because I don't have money ofmy own.
Regardless of how much moneyyour husband makes, you always
(03:35):
make and control your own money,because the person that
controls your money controls you.
But how okay?
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Let's say that somebody is listening to this
and they are maybe astay-at-home mom and they go.
Okay, that's fantastic, but I'mtoo late to this, or he already
controls everything.
Like, how can somebody turnthings around and start
controlling their own money whenmaybe they've let it go to
their partner for too long?
(04:01):
Right?
Speaker 2 (04:02):
That's a fantastic question, because there are a
lot of women in that position,and one thing I want to say is
it's never too late.
It's never too late.
You can start today, and if youare not able to get a full-time
job because you're taking careof the kids, for example, then
what you need to do, you can geta side hustle.
There are so many options nowthat weren't available to my mom
(04:23):
back then.
There's so many options.
You can do it from your sofa.
You don't even have to leaveyour house.
Just get a side hustle, earnsome income, put it away in an
account which you only controland that is your, in case
something happens account.
Okay, and you know that.
That that is your F, you moneyif you need it.
(04:46):
It's not too late.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Yeah, I think that then the my next question for
somebody who's probably at homelistening is like, well, that do
what?
I think if I brought that up tomy partner, that would cause
major issues Like what do youmean?
Why do you need this?
Why I've given you control.
You know you have access to thebank account.
You're not going to give meaccess.
Won't that create some problemsand lack of trust in an
(05:11):
existing relationship?
Speaker 2 (05:13):
I think that you have to preface it by saying that I
think it's important for both ofus to be financially
independent and have somethingfor ourselves and you can have a
joint account where all themoney goes into.
But a partner that's threatenedby you having some money for
yourself to do what you want todo with, that is a red flag.
(05:33):
Yes, that is a huge red flag,because if a partner is not
allowing you to have some sortof financial independence on
your own, that tells you thatthey want to control you through
money yes and that they'reinsecure yes.
And that they don't trust youenough to have that side account
.
I mean, why would you care ifyour husband or wife had a side
(05:56):
account, unless you werethreatened by it?
And that's a use of control.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
I remember I was dating somebody who wanted to
control me through that andthere were major red flags of me
going to shop.
And what do you?
Why aren't you letting me buythat for you?
It's like, wait what?
And it is, it is, it turned out.
I didn't date this person forvery long because I could see
the insecurities and the controland I think that a lot.
(06:22):
I don't want to say a lot.
I think that some people kindof thrive out of controlling
someone through financial means.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Right.
Financial control is the numberone way that you control
somebody, the absolute numberone way.
And a lot of people fall intothat trap, especially women, not
knowing anything about theirfinances, not knowing how much
money they have, what assetsthey have, whose accounts those
assets are under whose names,I'm sorry, those assets are
(06:54):
under.
Where's the will?
Where's the power of attorney?
We know nothing, and it's notjust about if your husband
leaves you.
What if you know God forbid hepasses away.
Yes, you know nothing about thefinances of your relationship,
and that's what I talk about inthe book.
In the book I give a wholechecklist of all the things a
woman should know about herfinances and all the things that
(07:16):
you need to have, the recordsyou need to keep, because if you
don't have that again, you'reputting yourself in a very
dangerous situation.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
It's true.
It doesn't necessarily mean ifsomebody leaves you for another
woman or your partner leaves.
I have had situations in mylife of friends of my family who
their partner passed away andthey had zero idea where the
money was.
I mean, there was one friend ofmine's husband passed away and
(07:43):
she didn't even know where thecheckbook was.
But then on the flip side, mygrandmother she used to put her
the cash, she used to sew itinto the pillows of the house
and the curtains and so when sheunfortunately got really sick
and had a stroke and shecouldn't talk, the whole family
was like going through all thecurtains and getting all the
cash through the pillow.
It's probably best if everyonein the family knows where
(08:06):
everything is Right.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
I'd love that, I love that, but yes, it's very
important.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
I've seen, also on social media, two different ways
that people are talking aboutfeminine and masculine is that
there's this whole rise of womensaying, well, I want to be
taken care of, but then there'sthis other soft guy era.
Can you speak about both ofthese things?
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Yes.
So where do I start?
Because this is somethingthat's huge for me.
So I think what we're doing nowis with the whole trad wife
trend on social media wanting tobe a traditional wife and
wanting a traditional wife.
You know, you have women withthese like very curated lives on
(08:50):
TV, talking about how amazingtheir life is because you know
they are submissive to their man, and what you don't see is what
happens when the cameras aredown.
This is fake people.
This isn't real life and it'sreally dangerous because what
they're doing is they're puttinga bow on submissiveness and
(09:11):
calling it empowerment, and youcan't be submissive and
empowered at the same time.
So that's very, very dangerous,and I also take issue with
anybody on social media, and youand I know a person that is
very much into talking aboutyou're, you're masculine, you're
, you're feminine, and everytime I hear that I just I cringe
(09:34):
, because when you talk aboutsomeone being in their masculine
or you're being masculine, thathas been weaponized against
women today.
That word that we're toomasculine has been weaponized in
trying to shut us up, trying tobe quiet, don't have control
over your life, don't be ago-getter, don't challenge
(09:55):
anyone, because if you do,you're masculine.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Yes, but yes, and as someone who has lived in her
masculine most of my life andI'm in my very late 40s I
realized that it's okaysometimes to be soft and that is
one thing that I have learnedis soft in just my demeanor, not
necessarily in my boss-ness.
You know, I still I am anentrepreneur at heart.
(10:20):
I will always work.
I like to work, I like being incontrol of my destiny.
At heart, I will always work, Ilike to work, I like being in
control of my destiny.
And it, it, it is probablybecause of I went through some
things not like you, but likenot that different than you
growing up, and I saw my momsort of fall apart when things,
you know, when the relationshipwith my father didn't work out.
But I do believe that we wedon't always have to be the boss
(10:47):
all the time, like it's okay toask for help, it's okay to be
taken out to dinner, and I don'tthink I mean that's not what
you're.
I don't believe when you saybroke dude, it's about income,
it's about-.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Yeah, no, not at all.
I mean the definition of brokedude I put.
That's the first thing you readin the book.
It's not about being a brokedude.
It's about someone, regardlessof gender or income, who can't
match your ambition, drive,commitment or work ethic.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Okay, let's talk about this.
So can you break down thedifference between someone who's
financially struggling and thensomebody who's a broke dude
forever?
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Right.
I mean you have people that areokay and if that's what they
want, that's fine.
They're okay with working aminimum wage job, living in an
apartment their whole lives andyou know, just living that way
and that's okay with them.
But if you are not that type ofpersonality, if you are a
go-getter, if you are ambitious,if you want more things in your
(11:44):
life, then being with thatperson is not a good match for
you and that person will bringyou down.
I dated a broke dude.
That's why I wrote this bookand after we broke up, he broke
up with me.
By the way, I was $30,000 indebt.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Hold on, cause I want to talk to you about this.
So, but that's because you thenstarted financially taking care
of him.
What if you're with someonewho's not financially motivated?
They are whatever in the inwhatever life that they choose
to do.
That's okay with them, butmaybe the materialistic things
aren't good for them.
But they're not asking you tohelp at all.
Like, is it somebody asking youcause then you just said you
(12:27):
were in debt.
Then somebody who's just maybenot financially motivated?
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Yes, and I've always said listen, if you don't have
to match me dollar for dollar,but you do have to match me
hustle for hustle, and I've saidthat all the time and if that
person is not financiallymotivated, are they ambitious?
Because if they are not, if youare an ambitious person and if
you're with someone that is notambitious, regardless of money,
(12:52):
it has nothing to do with money,it has to do with personality.
Eventually that relationshipwill end because you are not on
the same level.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
You don't have the same financial goals.
Okay, wait, but I'm justplaying devil's advocate,
because most of the people thatare listening not all hi hi boys
are women who maybe say well, Iam not as ambitious as my
husband, I like being.
Maybe they have a part-time jobor whatever, but they like it
and they're just saying but weare a good match because I help,
(13:28):
maybe she helps him in thebusiness.
Don't you think that there'ssome yin and yang to the hustle
culture?
Because don't you feel like ifthere's two hustle people, two
motivated people that it canbecome exhausting.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
It can, but it depends on.
See, I don't define a personwho is hustling as someone who's
not hustling as yin and yang.
I mean I think that comes with.
There are so many other thingsthat come with the yin and the
yang, Like, for example, myfiance.
He hustles, but his personalityis different than mine.
(14:09):
He is not a Taipei personalitypersonality and he's fine with
that.
You don't have to be type ALike I don't like masculine,
feminine, I really like liketype A or type B or you know,
those are the things that arealpha and beta, Like I like
those, and there's times wheneveryone should be alpha and
there's times when someoneshould be beta, vice versa.
(14:29):
That's how I see the yin andthe yang.
But, for example, if you're aman and if you're hustling right
and your wife is sitting athome taking care of the kids,
she's still hustling, she'sstill doing something with her
life, she's a contributor to therelationship.
So you don't necessarily haveto contribute monetarily.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Yes, and I do believe also, and I think people when
they hear the word hustle, theythink like the push, push, push.
I think maybe what you'resaying is you need to find
somebody who is a hard worker, amotivated person.
They don't necessarily have tobe a millionaire, but if
somebody is not motivated to getto work and work hard, then
that could be an issue movingforward.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Right, absolutely, because if you're hustling, then
you need someone to pick up theslack in other areas, and if
you're not doing that, that'sgoing to be an issue.
I can't tell you, sabrina.
I work with men all day longand I can't tell you how many of
them complain about their wivesand they have tons and tons of
money about how their wifedoesn't do anything.
Yeah Well, that's all.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
I mean, that's a whole other issue, but it is one
of the core themes that youhave in the book is about being
your own Prince Charming.
Can you talk about?
Speaker 2 (15:39):
that?
Yes, you know.
I think one of the problemswith women is that we've been
brainwashed to believe that weare going to wait for this
Prince Charming who's going tocome save us financially,
emotionally, mentally, take awayall of our problems.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Thank you, Disney.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Thank you, disney.
And what we don't understand isPrince Charming is not coming,
and if Prince Charming comes, hemay not stay.
So you need to build the lifethat you want for yourself now,
because the biggest form ofself-love is financial
independence, because it givesyou safety, choices and power
and it gives you options.
That is the most importantthing.
Build the life you want now andif he comes, great you can
(16:22):
build together.
But to sit here and wait for thePrince charming to come is such
a fallacy, because I think whatpeople don't understand is the
guy who wants to be your princecharming is not healed and whole
, because the person who wantsto be your savior needs that to
make them feel better aboutthemselves, to make them feel
(16:43):
whole, yes, and that need comeswith control.
It comes with possession right.
So when you're in arelationship with the person
that wants to be your PrinceCharming, they're always going
to need validation to makethemselves feel better.
You don't want that.
You don't.
A guy who's healed and holddoes not want a damsel in
(17:04):
distress.
He wants another woman who'shealed and hold, who he can
build with, who's healed andwhole who he can build with, and
that's what's important.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
I totally see.
I agree with what you're saying.
I think that there are a lot ofwomen that just feel well I
think there's a lot of womenthat already know this and I is
such a freeness of being able togo and buy your own purse if
(17:38):
you want to, or if you want togo to a fancy dinner or if you
want to go on a fancy vacation,to be able to pay for it
yourself, and I think that a lotof people maybe want to get
there, just don't know how to.
So I love that you're sayingjust even get a side hustle if
you're at home.
But what is the secret formulafor creating a relationship that
(18:00):
is equal?
Is it a 50-50 relationship?
How do you do it personallywith your fiance?
Speaker 2 (18:05):
So I think the best way to do it is everyone
contributing the same percentageof their income to the
household expenses.
But what if one?
Speaker 1 (18:14):
person is making more than the other person.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
Well, that's what I'm saying.
So if you pay the samepercentage of your income, not-.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Percentage.
Okay, got it.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Yes, percentage of your income.
So then that takes care of.
Well, you make more than me.
How much should I pay?
Because very few people makethe same amount, right?
So that's just reality.
So if everyone contributes thesame percentage, while the
numbers may be different, thepercentages are the same, so it
makes it a lot more fair.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
I love that tip because obviously we all know
that most relationships,marriages, they're divorced is
because usually money yes, and Ithink resentment happens when
one person is regardless, evenwhat you were just saying.
You work with men all the time,her complaining about their
wives and if there is apercentage then it feels a
(19:05):
little bit like more fair.
But what if one person is theonly one working?
How do you get away with nothaving resentment for that other
person?
Speaker 2 (19:16):
That's a great question.
I think that you have to sitdown and make sure that you both
agree as to how thisrelationship is going to go.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
I think you need to sit down and make sure that
you're on the same page with oneperson working and the other
person not working.
And even if I'm telling you,even when people get on that
same page, even when you havethis discussion, if you are the
person that's not working in therelationship and not making
money, you will never have asmuch power as the person who
(19:46):
makes money, because money ispower.
That is just the reality of it.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Yeah, in your experience, what is the most
overlooked financial red flagwhen people are just starting to
date?
Speaker 2 (19:58):
I think the most overlooked financial red flag is
how someone behaves aroundmoney, when it comes to how much
they spend.
So you need to really payattention to how much money this
person spends and if they canspend this money.
So in the beginning of therelationship, the other person
(20:19):
wants to impress you, right?
So are they spending all thismoney blowing it?
You need to really think, okay,why is this person spending so
much money on me?
Because it could really be asign of not being financially
responsible.
Instead of look how much thisperson loves me, they're
spending so much money.
You have to pay attention tothat.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
Yeah, but what if?
I mean, if you're just startingto date, you don't know what
that person has in the bank.
So how would you even know if,whether or not they can afford
it?
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Well, that's when you have, do you have to ask
questions?
Speaker 1 (20:50):
Okay, so let's get to the questions.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
Yes, yes, it's not on the right, not on the first
date, but the side, but when youthink I always, I always get
asked this question when do wehave this conversation?
The second, that you think thatyou are going to get serious
with this person is when youneed to have this conversation
around money.
Okay, and what does that looklike?
So to have this conversation?
Speaker 1 (21:09):
around money.
Okay, and what does that looklike?
Speaker 2 (21:11):
So you need to make sure that your financial goals
align.
What do you want in the future?
I want to buy a house.
I want to have investmentproperties.
Do you want the same thing?
You want to live in anapartment and you're fine with
that.
Okay, Um, who do we have to?
Who do we have to support whenwe get older?
Speaker 1 (21:26):
Ooh, that's a good one.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
Yeah, do we?
No one talks about that.
Maybe I'd you to support myparents.
Do we have to expect you tosupport anybody?
How are we going to do ourfinances around the children?
Are they required to have a job?
Are we going to pay for theircollege?
How is that going to work?
Then you get into the realstuff, which is what is your
(21:47):
credit score?
Without a good credit score,you can't even rent an apartment
.
What is your debt to incomeratio?
You and I have talked aboutthis before.
What is your debt to incomeratio?
Because if it's above 36%, thatmeans they're on the verge of
bankruptcy.
Are you a spender?
Are you a saver?
How much money do you have?
How much money do you make?
We do an entire financial auditwhen we get a divorce, right,
(22:10):
but before we get into marriage,that is when you need to do
your financial audit, and no onedoes it.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
I agree with you.
I think that you know you and Italked about it that people
thought it was crazy that I washaving these conversations with
Nate, my fiance, early on in ourrelationship and they thought I
was crazy.
But I realized this was gettingserious and it was important to
me because I am financiallyresponsible and I wanted to make
sure I was going down a pathwith somebody who was and thank
(22:39):
God, thank God and he is and I,you know, it was just important
and I'm glad because I'm notsaying that I wouldn't date
anyone.
That wasn't fine, you know,perfect financially on paper,
but it does cause a like issuesin the future If you don't get
those things out in the air inthe beginning.
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Absolutely, you really have to, but by the time
you're married it's too late.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
You're right, by the time you're married.
So okay, so you're about to getmarried.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
I'm not going to get married Actually.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
We're going to be engaged forever.
You're going to be engaged forthe rest of your life, okay, but
you're in California, so after10 years it's a common law
marriage.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
Not, unless you have legal documentation that doesn't
make it so.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Okay, so this is great.
This is such good information.
So the the, the Patty Asai, howis she getting going into this
relationship?
What are you putting into placeto make sure that you're
financially um protected?
Speaker 2 (23:37):
Yes, well, first and foremost, you know, we don't um
have any accounts together.
We we just contribute apercentage of our income to
whatever the household expensesare.
So we don't have a jointaccount.
We just we just pay, like oneperson pays it and the other
person pays the person back.
So that's the way we've setthat up.
Um, we don't own any propertytogether.
(23:58):
So the property that Ipurchased, I purchased in my
name and he is protected becauseyou know he he is contributing
to the mortgage of this property.
So we we have things in placeas far as once we sell it, how
that's going to be divided,because that's fair for him.
He needs to build equity in theproperty.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
But do you think for someone who's starting to build
a life together I think we're indifferent shoes, because we are
a little bit older than somepeople, maybe starting their
first marriage in their twentiesAre you saying that it's not a
good idea?
Because I think that it's okayto build, to buy property with
(24:44):
somebody if you're starting andyou're getting married and
you're starting out together.
So are there times in whichthat you Absolutely, I would say
what I am doing, what I feel isright for me?
Speaker 2 (24:48):
There's definitely times where you Absolutely Okay,
I was just saying what I amdoing, what I feel is right for
me.
There's definitely times whereyou can own property with
someone that you're married toor whatnot, but you have to make
sure that you, you areprotected if something goes
wrong, right, that's the problem.
People don't have thatconversation of, okay, we're
buying this property together.
If something happens, how arewe going to divide this?
(25:10):
Right, we have this particularasset.
How are we going to divide that?
So all of those things need tobe really drawn out legally.
So if, god forbid, somethinghappens, it's just a legal
document and you go by whatyou've agreed to rather than,
you know, going by emotions,which are so high during the
times when things go wrong.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Yes, I agree.
I think that it's not justabout protecting yourself.
It's about both of you goinginto this to protect each other
too.
Absolutely, you know.
You just never.
Unfortunately, my mom says thisyou never know.
You don't really know someoneuntil you divorce them.
She used to tell me that when Iwas a kid.
Divorce them.
(25:53):
She used to tell me that when Iwas a kid, and it's true.
It's true.
I think finances really shiftpeople's perception of who you
thought you could trust, andit's unfortunate, but I've seen
many people get burned.
Another thing that I'm seeing alot on social media, and I'm
sure you do too, is thishigh-end spending, this
consumerism, thisover-consumerism.
What do you say to a woman whomay be trapped in the it bag?
(26:17):
I need to have that?
You're watching all these haulsthat they're doing and they're
constantly purchasing for thatdopamine hit.
How do you?
What would you say to somebodywho is perhaps overspending?
Speaker 2 (26:34):
say to somebody who is perhaps overspending that
they need to understand whythey're overspending, because
typically we overspend becausewe feel that that makes us a
better person.
If we have the Louis, that isfilling something within
ourselves that is missing, likeI know, I did that because I
felt less than my entire life,because I didn't have money.
So, once I got that money, Ijust spent it on these designer
(26:55):
handbags to show off to theworld that I had money and it's
all about showing off.
It's not about anything else,it's not about yeah, it's.
It's not about the quality ofthe bag.
Those bags New York times did astudy.
Those bags New York Times did astudy.
Even a Birkin bag okay costs,just listen to this costs about
$78 to make $78.
(27:19):
And they're selling it for$13,000, $14,000.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
I mean, it's so funny .
So, growing up, when I was inhigh school, we went through a
really hard financial time andthe thing that I wanted to buy
so bad was a Veda shampoo.
Okay, it was like I know, Iknow that was the thing, though
it was the thing and I felt likeif I bought, if I had a Veda
shampoo and I smelled like aVeda, then you know I just would
(27:43):
.
Yes.
And then that turned intomoving to New York and the New
York culture was like really,chanel and the this and the
Christian Louboutin heels andgosh Patty.
Now, when I go into my closetand I see any of those things,
I'm like that's not even meanymore and I don't even care
anymore about those things, notto say like there's some things
that I really do like the designof.
(28:05):
You know, there's a few bags ofmine that I actually like, not
because of their Chanel oranything, just I like the bag.
I don't think there's anythingwrong with that.
But if you are dripping head totoe in designer goods, I do
believe that you're trying tosearch for something that is
deeper than just that emblem oh,100%.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
That is 100% true.
You are trying to act and lookrich because you think that it
makes you a better human being,and what people don't know is
that 75% of the money that isspent on luxury goods is spent
by the middle to lowermiddle-class people 75% that
(28:50):
statistic just came out and Iwas, and I tell this story.
I was vacationing on a privateIsland a few years ago and I
happened to be sitting next tothe CEO of a very, very
exclusive luxury brand I'm notgoing to name it and what I
noticed at the luxury luxuryIsland, where everyone had
(29:11):
yachts and whatnot, nobody waswearing labels, nobody.
And I asked him, I said and Ikind of made a joke, I'm like ha
, how funny, nobody on thisisland is wearing X, you know
whatever your brand is.
And he's like oh, he goes, wedon't market to billionaires.
And I'm like, and my earsperked up, I'm like what do you
mean?
He goes yeah, billionaires havenothing to prove.
(29:32):
They don't buy our stuff.
He's like it's the middle classand the lower classes that have
something to prove.
Those are the people that wemarket to Wild, wild.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
And then, yes, I could see that.
So for women who are listeningand really don't have any
financial advice or anyone thatthey could go to like what, what
do you recommend?
What do you have your money in?
Like, what do you invest in?
Speaker 2 (29:59):
Sure, so I invest in ETFs and index funds, that's
what I invest in Dummy down forsomebody?
Yes.
So ETFs and index funds are apool of funds.
They will never go to zero,unlike Google, unlike Tesla,
unlike Apple these big stocksthat everyone's talking about.
(30:19):
They can go to zero at anygiven time.
What if an iPhone started toexplode?
Tesla was within a month ofgoing bankrupt, right?
So everyone's like Tesla stock.
It was within a month of goingbankrupt.
So you buy ETFs and index fundsand you buy a certain amount
and you do that every singlemonth and you're consistent with
(30:40):
it, and you set it and youforget it.
Okay.
You do not touch it.
So it's a long-term?
It is, yes, it is a long-term,and I just want to tell for the
younger people-.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Are we?
Speaker 2 (30:54):
talking about like the S&P 500?
Yes, yes, etfs and index fundshave our pool of funds that are
the S&P 500 stocks.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
That's what they have , okay.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
And that's what you keep doing.
That's what you keep doingevery single month.
But what happened, like a fewweeks ago, when it went down so
much?
Speaker 2 (31:16):
So let me tell you you need to be in the stock
market for at least 10 years tobuild, to beat the cyclical
nature of the stock market.
At least 10 years, okay.
If you're in the stock marketfor 15 years, historically it's
been shown that your chances oflosing your money is 0%.
Okay.
So you don't worry about themarket's going to go up.
The market's going to go down.
You don't worry about that.
I never check my stocks.
It's ever set it and forget it.
(31:38):
I set it and I forget it, andevery month I buy more, even if
the stocks are down.
You buy more because you buy.
When there's blood on thestreets, even if the blood is
yours, you buy and buy and buy.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Okay, and for anyone who doesn't have a financial
advisor or a stock broker, whatdo you recommend?
Like Robinhood, Schwab Fidelity.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
They will give you a free account.
Make sure that it's a freeaccount and they're not earning
commissions when they're trading.
That's really, really important, right?
And you just open an account.
I give you step-by-stepinstructions in my book,
literally step-by-stepinstructions, but for whoever's
listening, I'm just going togive it to you right now.
You open an investment account.
(32:22):
You set it up to where, everysingle month, a certain amount
from your checking account isgoing into that investment
account, and you set up thatinvestment account to buy a
certain amount of ETFs and indexfunds every single month.
So just to put it inperspective how important
investing is 66% of millionairesin the United States have never
(32:44):
made over a hundred thousanddollars a year.
They've become millionairesthrough investing.
And if you cut out that dailycoffee yes, okay, yes, it's $5 a
day People are like oh, it'snot the daily coffee, it's the
daily coffee, it's $5 a day,right?
$35 a week, that equals $140 amonth.
(33:05):
If you're in your twenties, ifyou invested that $140 a month,
by the time you retire, by thetime you retire, you will have
over $2 million.
$2 million.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
I agree with you about it.
Yes, I think a lot of peopleare like, well, I can't afford
this.
It's like, but you're spending.
Let me tell me you can't affordit and show me what you're
spending your money every day on, Exactly.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
And if you really can't afford it, get a side
hustle.
Yeah, exactly, and if youreally can't afford it, get a
side hustle, do something.
Whatever you need to do to getat least $100 a month to invest
and let that grow $150 a month,or even start $25 a month.
Whatever, it doesn't matter.
All of that adds up because ofcompound interest, and people
don't understand this.
The more you have in there, themore you're going to earn on
(33:53):
that money, and people don'tunderstand this.
The more you have in there, themore you're going to earn on
that money and the bigger yourportfolio is going to go.
So, especially if you want tostart early, because if you
start 10, I started 10 yearslater I didn't start investing
until I was my mid thirties SameRight, $5 million.
I would be richer at retirementhad I started 10 years earlier.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
I would have started earlier too.
So anybody who's listeningtrust me to start small.
Okay, even if you are married,okay, listen to me, even if
you're already married, or evenif you don't care about dating.
This book is not just aboutwhether or not you're dating a
broke dude.
This book is about becomingyour own Prince Charming.
This book is about how you cantake care of yourself, for your
(34:38):
future, for yourself and foryour family.
Anyone listening, if you'redriving in the show notes, once
you stop I will have how to getin touch with Patty.
She has over a millionfollowers on TikTok.
I'm so jealous I can't get it.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
I don't understand the TikTok culture but you have
a TV show, so I guess we're evenyou can get in touch with her
on Instagram.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
On TikTok I'll put her website.
I will also link to her book.
I highly recommend it.
Patty, I'm so, so excited foryou.
Congratulations on the book.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Thank you.
Thank you, sabrina.
I'm so excited too, and Ireally want to help women be
financially dependent.
That's that is my why for thebook, thank you.
Thank you, sabrina.
I'm so excited too, and Ireally want to help women be
financially independent.
That is my why for the book.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
I know and I think that there's something
empowering about women helpingother women in this category,
and so that's why I love you somuch for what you're doing.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
Sabrina, thanks for having me.
This is great.
Welcome to Redesigning Life.
I'm your host, sabrina Soto,and this is the space where we
have honest conversations aboutpersonal growth, mindset shifts
and creating a life that feelstruly aligned.
In each episode, I'll talk toexperts in their fields who
share their insights to help youstep into your higher self.
Let's redesign your life fromthe inside out.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Patty Sabrina, I'm so happy to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Oh my God, I'm so excited to have this
conversation with you.
For people who don't know,patty Asai just came out with a
book.
It is amazing, patty.
What is the name of this book?
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Never Date a Broke Dude.
The Financial Freedom Playbook.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Okay, I love Pattyatti was actually on my
show.
She not only was a guest on theSabrina Soto show, but she also
did Breathwork, which I thoughtwas so brave of her, Patti, I
love this book because it's notwhat you think it is.
It's not about the broke dude,it's more about.
It's much deeper than that.
I can't wait to get into thismore because I think that we
(01:05):
don't talk about money enough,Absolutely, and especially women
.
We just think it's this topicthat we don't discuss and I've
always had this belief, maybebecause I went through a really
hard financial time growing up.
But that, women, it'sempowering to discuss money with
my friends because we help eachother.
We help each other withfinancial advice or even
(01:30):
investment advice, and we onlypush each other up.
So this is going to be a prettyamazing conversation.
I want to start off with thefact that you wrote that whoever
controls your money controlsyou.
Right.
Can you sort of and how yourmom's story really shaped your
mission, with the fact that youwrote that whoever controls your
money controls you?
Can you sort of and how yourmom's story really shaped your
mission?
What do you think women shouldhear about that?
(01:52):
Because once you hear that Ithink a lot.
There's a lot of people whopush back and say, no, you know,
I love that my husband doesthat, or I love that my partner
does that.
So can you kind of break downwhat you mean by?
Whoever controls your money,controls your life?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Yes, you know, the first thing is that we live in a
capitalist society.
We need money to survive.
So if you don't have money ofyour own, you're putting your
survival literally in somebodyelse's hands, and that is a very
dangerous situation to be, andthat's what happened with my
mother.
You know, I wrote this bookbecause I was inspired by my
(02:30):
mom's story.
You know, she didn't have theresources or the money to leave
a very mentally abusiverelationship and, at the end of
the day, it cost her everything,including her life, and I
wanted to use her story as acatalyst for change.
So no other woman suffers likemy mom, because it's more than
(02:51):
just can I buy this purse?
Can I buy this Birkin?
You know, can I buy the shoe?
It could literally be thedifference between life and
death.
Yeah, and when my, when myparents used to argue about
money, because when my mom wasin Iran, she was a powerhouse,
she had a great career, she mademore money than my dad did, and
(03:12):
, um, there were equal and thepower dynamics were equal.
And then, once we moved to theUnited States and she couldn't
pass the exams due to, due tothe language barrier, she ended
up being a housewife, and everytime she and my dad would argue,
she would take me in a room andshe would say do you see how my
life has changed?
Because I don't have money ofmy own.
Regardless of how much moneyyour husband makes, you always
(03:35):
make and control your own money,because the person that
controls your money controls you.
But how okay?
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Let's say that somebody is listening to this
and they are maybe astay-at-home mom and they go.
Okay, that's fantastic, but I'mtoo late to this, or he already
controls everything.
Like, how can somebody turnthings around and start
controlling their own money whenmaybe they've let it go to
their partner for too long?
(04:01):
Right?
Speaker 2 (04:02):
That's a fantastic question, because there are a
lot of women in that position,and one thing I want to say is
it's never too late.
It's never too late.
You can start today, and if youare not able to get a full-time
job because you're taking careof the kids, for example, then
what you need to do, you can geta side hustle.
There are so many options nowthat weren't available to my mom
(04:23):
back then.
There's so many options.
You can do it from your sofa.
You don't even have to leaveyour house.
Just get a side hustle, earnsome income, put it away in an
account which you only controland that is your, in case
something happens account.
Okay, and you know that.
That that is your F, you moneyif you need it.
(04:46):
It's not too late.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Yeah, I think that then the my next question for
somebody who's probably at homelistening is like, well, that do
what?
I think if I brought that up tomy partner, that would cause
major issues Like what do youmean?
Why do you need this?
Why I've given you control.
You know you have access to thebank account.
You're not going to give meaccess.
Won't that create some problemsand lack of trust in an
(05:11):
existing relationship?
Speaker 2 (05:13):
I think that you have to preface it by saying that I
think it's important for both ofus to be financially
independent and have somethingfor ourselves and you can have a
joint account where all themoney goes into.
But a partner that's threatenedby you having some money for
yourself to do what you want todo with, that is a red flag.
(05:33):
Yes, that is a huge red flag,because if a partner is not
allowing you to have some sortof financial independence on
your own, that tells you thatthey want to control you through
money yes and that they'reinsecure yes.
And that they don't trust youenough to have that side account
.
I mean, why would you care ifyour husband or wife had a side
(05:56):
account, unless you werethreatened by it?
And that's a use of control.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
I remember I was dating somebody who wanted to
control me through that andthere were major red flags of me
going to shop.
And what do you?
Why aren't you letting me buythat for you?
It's like, wait what?
And it is, it is, it turned out.
I didn't date this person forvery long because I could see
the insecurities and the controland I think that a lot.
(06:22):
I don't want to say a lot.
I think that some people kindof thrive out of controlling
someone through financial means.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Right.
Financial control is the numberone way that you control
somebody, the absolute numberone way.
And a lot of people fall intothat trap, especially women, not
knowing anything about theirfinances, not knowing how much
money they have, what assetsthey have, whose accounts those
assets are under whose names,I'm sorry, those assets are
(06:54):
under.
Where's the will?
Where's the power of attorney?
We know nothing, and it's notjust about if your husband
leaves you.
What if you know God forbid hepasses away.
Yes, you know nothing about thefinances of your relationship,
and that's what I talk about inthe book.
In the book I give a wholechecklist of all the things a
woman should know about herfinances and all the things that
(07:16):
you need to have, the recordsyou need to keep, because if you
don't have that again, you'reputting yourself in a very
dangerous situation.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
It's true.
It doesn't necessarily mean ifsomebody leaves you for another
woman or your partner leaves.
I have had situations in mylife of friends of my family who
their partner passed away andthey had zero idea where the
money was.
I mean, there was one friend ofmine's husband passed away and
(07:43):
she didn't even know where thecheckbook was.
But then on the flip side, mygrandmother she used to put her
the cash, she used to sew itinto the pillows of the house
and the curtains and so when sheunfortunately got really sick
and had a stroke and shecouldn't talk, the whole family
was like going through all thecurtains and getting all the
cash through the pillow.
It's probably best if everyonein the family knows where
(08:06):
everything is Right.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
I'd love that, I love that, but yes, it's very
important.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
I've seen, also on social media, two different ways
that people are talking aboutfeminine and masculine is that
there's this whole rise of womensaying, well, I want to be
taken care of, but then there'sthis other soft guy era.
Can you speak about both ofthese things?
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Yes.
So where do I start?
Because this is somethingthat's huge for me.
So I think what we're doing nowis with the whole trad wife
trend on social media wanting tobe a traditional wife and
wanting a traditional wife.
You know, you have women withthese like very curated lives on
(08:50):
TV, talking about how amazingtheir life is because you know
they are submissive to their man, and what you don't see is what
happens when the cameras aredown.
This is fake people.
This isn't real life and it'sreally dangerous because what
they're doing is they're puttinga bow on submissiveness and
(09:11):
calling it empowerment, and youcan't be submissive and
empowered at the same time.
So that's very, very dangerous,and I also take issue with
anybody on social media, and youand I know a person that is
very much into talking aboutyou're, you're masculine, you're
, you're feminine, and everytime I hear that I just I cringe
(09:34):
, because when you talk aboutsomeone being in their masculine
or you're being masculine, thathas been weaponized against
women today.
That word that we're toomasculine has been weaponized in
trying to shut us up, trying tobe quiet, don't have control
over your life, don't be ago-getter, don't challenge
(09:55):
anyone, because if you do,you're masculine.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Yes, but yes, and as someone who has lived in her
masculine most of my life andI'm in my very late 40s I
realized that it's okaysometimes to be soft and that is
one thing that I have learnedis soft in just my demeanor, not
necessarily in my boss-ness.
You know, I still I am anentrepreneur at heart.
(10:20):
I will always work.
I like to work, I like being incontrol of my destiny.
At heart, I will always work, Ilike to work, I like being in
control of my destiny.
And it, it, it is probablybecause of I went through some
things not like you, but likenot that different than you
growing up, and I saw my momsort of fall apart when things,
you know, when the relationshipwith my father didn't work out.
But I do believe that we wedon't always have to be the boss
(10:47):
all the time, like it's okay toask for help, it's okay to be
taken out to dinner, and I don'tthink I mean that's not what
you're.
I don't believe when you saybroke dude, it's about income,
it's about-.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Yeah, no, not at all.
I mean the definition of brokedude I put.
That's the first thing you readin the book.
It's not about being a brokedude.
It's about someone, regardlessof gender or income, who can't
match your ambition, drive,commitment or work ethic.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Okay, let's talk about this.
So can you break down thedifference between someone who's
financially struggling and thensomebody who's a broke dude
forever?
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Right.
I mean you have people that areokay and if that's what they
want, that's fine.
They're okay with working aminimum wage job, living in an
apartment their whole lives andyou know, just living that way
and that's okay with them.
But if you are not that type ofpersonality, if you are a
go-getter, if you are ambitious,if you want more things in your
(11:44):
life, then being with thatperson is not a good match for
you and that person will bringyou down.
I dated a broke dude.
That's why I wrote this bookand after we broke up, he broke
up with me.
By the way, I was $30,000 indebt.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Hold on, cause I want to talk to you about this.
So, but that's because you thenstarted financially taking care
of him.
What if you're with someonewho's not financially motivated?
They are whatever in the inwhatever life that they choose
to do.
That's okay with them, butmaybe the materialistic things
aren't good for them.
But they're not asking you tohelp at all.
Like, is it somebody asking youcause then you just said you
(12:27):
were in debt.
Then somebody who's just maybenot financially motivated?
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Yes, and I've always said listen, if you don't have
to match me dollar for dollar,but you do have to match me
hustle for hustle, and I've saidthat all the time and if that
person is not financiallymotivated, are they ambitious?
Because if they are not, if youare an ambitious person and if
you're with someone that is notambitious, regardless of money,
(12:52):
it has nothing to do with money,it has to do with personality.
Eventually that relationshipwill end because you are not on
the same level.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
You don't have the same financial goals.
Okay, wait, but I'm justplaying devil's advocate,
because most of the people thatare listening not all hi hi boys
are women who maybe say well, Iam not as ambitious as my
husband, I like being.
Maybe they have a part-time jobor whatever, but they like it
and they're just saying but weare a good match because I help,
(13:28):
maybe she helps him in thebusiness.
Don't you think that there'ssome yin and yang to the hustle
culture?
Because don't you feel like ifthere's two hustle people, two
motivated people that it canbecome exhausting.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
It can, but it depends on.
See, I don't define a personwho is hustling as someone who's
not hustling as yin and yang.
I mean I think that comes with.
There are so many other thingsthat come with the yin and the
yang, Like, for example, myfiance.
He hustles, but his personalityis different than mine.
(14:09):
He is not a Taipei personalitypersonality and he's fine with
that.
You don't have to be type ALike I don't like masculine,
feminine, I really like liketype A or type B or you know,
those are the things that arealpha and beta, Like I like
those, and there's times wheneveryone should be alpha and
there's times when someoneshould be beta, vice versa.
(14:29):
That's how I see the yin andthe yang.
But, for example, if you're aman and if you're hustling right
and your wife is sitting athome taking care of the kids,
she's still hustling, she'sstill doing something with her
life, she's a contributor to therelationship.
So you don't necessarily haveto contribute monetarily.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Yes, and I do believe also, and I think people when
they hear the word hustle, theythink like the push, push, push.
I think maybe what you'resaying is you need to find
somebody who is a hard worker, amotivated person.
They don't necessarily have tobe a millionaire, but if
somebody is not motivated to getto work and work hard, then
that could be an issue movingforward.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Right, absolutely, because if you're hustling, then
you need someone to pick up theslack in other areas, and if
you're not doing that, that'sgoing to be an issue.
I can't tell you, sabrina.
I work with men all day longand I can't tell you how many of
them complain about their wivesand they have tons and tons of
money about how their wifedoesn't do anything.
Yeah Well, that's all.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
I mean, that's a whole other issue, but it is one
of the core themes that youhave in the book is about being
your own Prince Charming.
Can you talk about?
Speaker 2 (15:39):
that?
Yes, you know.
I think one of the problemswith women is that we've been
brainwashed to believe that weare going to wait for this
Prince Charming who's going tocome save us financially,
emotionally, mentally, take awayall of our problems.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Thank you, Disney.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Thank you, disney.
And what we don't understand isPrince Charming is not coming,
and if Prince Charming comes, hemay not stay.
So you need to build the lifethat you want for yourself now,
because the biggest form ofself-love is financial
independence, because it givesyou safety, choices and power
and it gives you options.
That is the most importantthing.
Build the life you want now andif he comes, great you can
(16:22):
build together.
But to sit here and wait for thePrince charming to come is such
a fallacy, because I think whatpeople don't understand is the
guy who wants to be your princecharming is not healed and whole
, because the person who wantsto be your savior needs that to
make them feel better aboutthemselves, to make them feel
(16:43):
whole, yes, and that need comeswith control.
It comes with possession right.
So when you're in arelationship with the person
that wants to be your PrinceCharming, they're always going
to need validation to makethemselves feel better.
You don't want that.
You don't.
A guy who's healed and holddoes not want a damsel in
(17:04):
distress.
He wants another woman who'shealed and hold, who he can
build with, who's healed andwhole who he can build with, and
that's what's important.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
I totally see.
I agree with what you're saying.
I think that there are a lot ofwomen that just feel well I
think there's a lot of womenthat already know this and I is
such a freeness of being able togo and buy your own purse if
(17:38):
you want to, or if you want togo to a fancy dinner or if you
want to go on a fancy vacation,to be able to pay for it
yourself, and I think that a lotof people maybe want to get
there, just don't know how to.
So I love that you're sayingjust even get a side hustle if
you're at home.
But what is the secret formulafor creating a relationship that
(18:00):
is equal?
Is it a 50-50 relationship?
How do you do it personallywith your fiance?
Speaker 2 (18:05):
So I think the best way to do it is everyone
contributing the same percentageof their income to the
household expenses.
But what if one?
Speaker 1 (18:14):
person is making more than the other person.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
Well, that's what I'm saying.
So if you pay the samepercentage of your income, not-.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Percentage.
Okay, got it.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Yes, percentage of your income.
So then that takes care of.
Well, you make more than me.
How much should I pay?
Because very few people makethe same amount, right?
So that's just reality.
So if everyone contributes thesame percentage, while the
numbers may be different, thepercentages are the same, so it
makes it a lot more fair.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
I love that tip because obviously we all know
that most relationships,marriages, they're divorced is
because usually money yes, and Ithink resentment happens when
one person is regardless, evenwhat you were just saying.
You work with men all the time,her complaining about their
wives and if there is apercentage then it feels a
(19:05):
little bit like more fair.
But what if one person is theonly one working?
How do you get away with nothaving resentment for that other
person?
Speaker 2 (19:16):
That's a great question.
I think that you have to sitdown and make sure that you both
agree as to how thisrelationship is going to go.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
I think you need to sit down and make sure that
you're on the same page with oneperson working and the other
person not working.
And even if I'm telling you,even when people get on that
same page, even when you havethis discussion, if you are the
person that's not working in therelationship and not making
money, you will never have asmuch power as the person who
(19:46):
makes money, because money ispower.
That is just the reality of it.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Yeah, in your experience, what is the most
overlooked financial red flagwhen people are just starting to
date?
Speaker 2 (19:58):
I think the most overlooked financial red flag is
how someone behaves aroundmoney, when it comes to how much
they spend.
So you need to really payattention to how much money this
person spends and if they canspend this money.
So in the beginning of therelationship, the other person
(20:19):
wants to impress you, right?
So are they spending all thismoney blowing it?
You need to really think, okay,why is this person spending so
much money on me?
Because it could really be asign of not being financially
responsible.
Instead of look how much thisperson loves me, they're
spending so much money.
You have to pay attention tothat.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
Yeah, but what if?
I mean, if you're just startingto date, you don't know what
that person has in the bank.
So how would you even know if,whether or not they can afford
it?
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Well, that's when you have, do you have to ask
questions?
Speaker 1 (20:50):
Okay, so let's get to the questions.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
Yes, yes, it's not on the right, not on the first
date, but the side, but when youthink I always, I always get
asked this question when do wehave this conversation?
The second, that you think thatyou are going to get serious
with this person is when youneed to have this conversation
around money.
Okay, and what does that looklike?
So to have this conversation?
Speaker 1 (21:09):
around money.
Okay, and what does that looklike?
Speaker 2 (21:11):
So you need to make sure that your financial goals
align.
What do you want in the future?
I want to buy a house.
I want to have investmentproperties.
Do you want the same thing?
You want to live in anapartment and you're fine with
that.
Okay, Um, who do we have to?
Who do we have to support whenwe get older?
Speaker 1 (21:26):
Ooh, that's a good one.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
Yeah, do we?
No one talks about that.
Maybe I'd you to support myparents.
Do we have to expect you tosupport anybody?
How are we going to do ourfinances around the children?
Are they required to have a job?
Are we going to pay for theircollege?
How is that going to work?
Then you get into the realstuff, which is what is your
(21:47):
credit score?
Without a good credit score,you can't even rent an apartment
.
What is your debt to incomeratio?
You and I have talked aboutthis before.
What is your debt to incomeratio?
Because if it's above 36%, thatmeans they're on the verge of
bankruptcy.
Are you a spender?
Are you a saver?
How much money do you have?
How much money do you make?
We do an entire financial auditwhen we get a divorce, right,
(22:10):
but before we get into marriage,that is when you need to do
your financial audit, and no onedoes it.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
I agree with you.
I think that you know you and Italked about it that people
thought it was crazy that I washaving these conversations with
Nate, my fiance, early on in ourrelationship and they thought I
was crazy.
But I realized this was gettingserious and it was important to
me because I am financiallyresponsible and I wanted to make
sure I was going down a pathwith somebody who was and thank
(22:39):
God, thank God and he is and I,you know, it was just important
and I'm glad because I'm notsaying that I wouldn't date
anyone.
That wasn't fine, you know,perfect financially on paper,
but it does cause a like issuesin the future If you don't get
those things out in the air inthe beginning.
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Absolutely, you really have to, but by the time
you're married it's too late.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
You're right, by the time you're married.
So okay, so you're about to getmarried.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
I'm not going to get married Actually.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
We're going to be engaged forever.
You're going to be engaged forthe rest of your life, okay, but
you're in California, so after10 years it's a common law
marriage.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
Not, unless you have legal documentation that doesn't
make it so.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Okay, so this is great.
This is such good information.
So the the, the Patty Asai, howis she getting going into this
relationship?
What are you putting into placeto make sure that you're
financially um protected?
Speaker 2 (23:37):
Yes, well, first and foremost, you know, we don't um
have any accounts together.
We we just contribute apercentage of our income to
whatever the household expensesare.
So we don't have a jointaccount.
We just we just pay, like oneperson pays it and the other
person pays the person back.
So that's the way we've setthat up.
Um, we don't own any propertytogether.
(23:58):
So the property that Ipurchased, I purchased in my
name and he is protected becauseyou know he he is contributing
to the mortgage of this property.
So we we have things in placeas far as once we sell it, how
that's going to be divided,because that's fair for him.
He needs to build equity in theproperty.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
But do you think for someone who's starting to build
a life together I think we're indifferent shoes, because we are
a little bit older than somepeople, maybe starting their
first marriage in their twentiesAre you saying that it's not a
good idea?
Because I think that it's okayto build, to buy property with
(24:44):
somebody if you're starting andyou're getting married and
you're starting out together.
So are there times in whichthat you Absolutely, I would say
what I am doing, what I feel isright for me?
Speaker 2 (24:48):
There's definitely times where you Absolutely Okay,
I was just saying what I amdoing, what I feel is right for
me.
There's definitely times whereyou can own property with
someone that you're married toor whatnot, but you have to make
sure that you, you areprotected if something goes
wrong, right, that's the problem.
People don't have thatconversation of, okay, we're
buying this property together.
If something happens, how arewe going to divide this?
(25:10):
Right, we have this particularasset.
How are we going to divide that?
So all of those things need tobe really drawn out legally.
So if, god forbid, somethinghappens, it's just a legal
document and you go by whatyou've agreed to rather than,
you know, going by emotions,which are so high during the
times when things go wrong.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Yes, I agree.
I think that it's not justabout protecting yourself.
It's about both of you goinginto this to protect each other
too.
Absolutely, you know.
You just never.
Unfortunately, my mom says thisyou never know.
You don't really know someoneuntil you divorce them.
She used to tell me that when Iwas a kid.
Divorce them.
(25:53):
She used to tell me that when Iwas a kid, and it's true.
It's true.
I think finances really shiftpeople's perception of who you
thought you could trust, andit's unfortunate, but I've seen
many people get burned.
Another thing that I'm seeing alot on social media, and I'm
sure you do too, is thishigh-end spending, this
consumerism, thisover-consumerism.
What do you say to a woman whomay be trapped in the it bag?
(26:17):
I need to have that?
You're watching all these haulsthat they're doing and they're
constantly purchasing for thatdopamine hit.
How do you?
What would you say to somebodywho is perhaps overspending?
Speaker 2 (26:34):
say to somebody who is perhaps overspending that
they need to understand whythey're overspending, because
typically we overspend becausewe feel that that makes us a
better person.
If we have the Louis, that isfilling something within
ourselves that is missing, likeI know, I did that because I
felt less than my entire life,because I didn't have money.
So, once I got that money, Ijust spent it on these designer
(26:55):
handbags to show off to theworld that I had money and it's
all about showing off.
It's not about anything else,it's not about yeah, it's.
It's not about the quality ofthe bag.
Those bags New York times did astudy.
Those bags New York Times did astudy.
Even a Birkin bag okay costs,just listen to this costs about
$78 to make $78.
(27:19):
And they're selling it for$13,000, $14,000.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
I mean, it's so funny .
So, growing up, when I was inhigh school, we went through a
really hard financial time andthe thing that I wanted to buy
so bad was a Veda shampoo.
Okay, it was like I know, Iknow that was the thing, though
it was the thing and I felt likeif I bought, if I had a Veda
shampoo and I smelled like aVeda, then you know I just would
(27:43):
.
Yes.
And then that turned intomoving to New York and the New
York culture was like really,chanel and the this and the
Christian Louboutin heels andgosh Patty.
Now, when I go into my closetand I see any of those things,
I'm like that's not even meanymore and I don't even care
anymore about those things, notto say like there's some things
that I really do like the designof.
(28:05):
You know, there's a few bags ofmine that I actually like, not
because of their Chanel oranything, just I like the bag.
I don't think there's anythingwrong with that.
But if you are dripping head totoe in designer goods, I do
believe that you're trying tosearch for something that is
deeper than just that emblem oh,100%.
Speaker 2 (28:28):
That is 100% true.
You are trying to act and lookrich because you think that it
makes you a better human being,and what people don't know is
that 75% of the money that isspent on luxury goods is spent
by the middle to lowermiddle-class people 75% that
(28:50):
statistic just came out and Iwas, and I tell this story.
I was vacationing on a privateIsland a few years ago and I
happened to be sitting next tothe CEO of a very, very
exclusive luxury brand I'm notgoing to name it and what I
noticed at the luxury luxuryIsland, where everyone had
(29:11):
yachts and whatnot, nobody waswearing labels, nobody.
And I asked him, I said and Ikind of made a joke, I'm like ha
, how funny, nobody on thisisland is wearing X, you know
whatever your brand is.
And he's like oh, he goes, wedon't market to billionaires.
And I'm like, and my earsperked up, I'm like what do you
mean?
He goes yeah, billionaires havenothing to prove.
(29:32):
They don't buy our stuff.
He's like it's the middle classand the lower classes that have
something to prove.
Those are the people that wemarket to Wild, wild.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
And then, yes, I could see that.
So for women who are listeningand really don't have any
financial advice or anyone thatthey could go to like what, what
do you recommend?
What do you have your money in?
Like, what do you invest in?
Speaker 2 (29:59):
Sure, so I invest in ETFs and index funds, that's
what I invest in Dummy down forsomebody?
Yes.
So ETFs and index funds are apool of funds.
They will never go to zero,unlike Google, unlike Tesla,
unlike Apple these big stocksthat everyone's talking about.
(30:19):
They can go to zero at anygiven time.
What if an iPhone started toexplode?
Tesla was within a month ofgoing bankrupt, right?
So everyone's like Tesla stock.
It was within a month of goingbankrupt.
So you buy ETFs and index fundsand you buy a certain amount
and you do that every singlemonth and you're consistent with
(30:40):
it, and you set it and youforget it.
Okay.
You do not touch it.
So it's a long-term?
It is, yes, it is a long-term,and I just want to tell for the
younger people-.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Are we?
Speaker 2 (30:54):
talking about like the S&P 500?
Yes, yes, etfs and index fundshave our pool of funds that are
the S&P 500 stocks.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
That's what they have , okay.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
And that's what you keep doing.
That's what you keep doingevery single month.
But what happened, like a fewweeks ago, when it went down so
much?
Speaker 2 (31:16):
So let me tell you you need to be in the stock
market for at least 10 years tobuild, to beat the cyclical
nature of the stock market.
At least 10 years, okay.
If you're in the stock marketfor 15 years, historically it's
been shown that your chances oflosing your money is 0%.
Okay.
So you don't worry about themarket's going to go up.
The market's going to go down.
You don't worry about that.
I never check my stocks.
It's ever set it and forget it.
(31:38):
I set it and I forget it, andevery month I buy more, even if
the stocks are down.
You buy more because you buy.
When there's blood on thestreets, even if the blood is
yours, you buy and buy and buy.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Okay, and for anyone who doesn't have a financial
advisor or a stock broker, whatdo you recommend?
Like Robinhood, Schwab Fidelity.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
They will give you a free account.
Make sure that it's a freeaccount and they're not earning
commissions when they're trading.
That's really, really important, right?
And you just open an account.
I give you step-by-stepinstructions in my book,
literally step-by-stepinstructions, but for whoever's
listening, I'm just going togive it to you right now.
You open an investment account.
(32:22):
You set it up to where, everysingle month, a certain amount
from your checking account isgoing into that investment
account, and you set up thatinvestment account to buy a
certain amount of ETFs and indexfunds every single month.
So just to put it inperspective how important
investing is 66% of millionairesin the United States have never
(32:44):
made over a hundred thousanddollars a year.
They've become millionairesthrough investing.
And if you cut out that dailycoffee yes, okay, yes, it's $5 a
day People are like oh, it'snot the daily coffee, it's the
daily coffee, it's $5 a day,right?
$35 a week, that equals $140 amonth.
(33:05):
If you're in your twenties, ifyou invested that $140 a month,
by the time you retire, by thetime you retire, you will have
over $2 million.
$2 million.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
I agree with you about it.
Yes, I think a lot of peopleare like, well, I can't afford
this.
It's like, but you're spending.
Let me tell me you can't affordit and show me what you're
spending your money every day on, Exactly.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
And if you really can't afford it, get a side
hustle.
Yeah, exactly, and if youreally can't afford it, get a
side hustle, do something.
Whatever you need to do to getat least $100 a month to invest
and let that grow $150 a month,or even start $25 a month.
Whatever, it doesn't matter.
All of that adds up because ofcompound interest, and people
don't understand this.
The more you have in there, themore you're going to earn on
(33:53):
that money, and people don'tunderstand this.
The more you have in there, themore you're going to earn on
that money and the bigger yourportfolio is going to go.
So, especially if you want tostart early, because if you
start 10, I started 10 yearslater I didn't start investing
until I was my mid thirties SameRight, $5 million.
I would be richer at retirementhad I started 10 years earlier.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
I would have started earlier too.
So anybody who's listeningtrust me to start small.
Okay, even if you are married,okay, listen to me, even if
you're already married, or evenif you don't care about dating.
This book is not just aboutwhether or not you're dating a
broke dude.
This book is about becomingyour own Prince Charming.
This book is about how you cantake care of yourself, for your
(34:38):
future, for yourself and foryour family.
Anyone listening, if you'redriving in the show notes, once
you stop I will have how to getin touch with Patty.
She has over a millionfollowers on TikTok.
I'm so jealous I can't get it.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
I don't understand the TikTok culture but you have
a TV show, so I guess we're evenyou can get in touch with her
on Instagram.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
On TikTok I'll put her website.
I will also link to her book.
I highly recommend it.
Patty, I'm so, so excited foryou.
Congratulations on the book.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Thank you.
Thank you, sabrina.
I'm so excited too, and Ireally want to help women be
financially dependent.
That's that is my why for thebook, thank you.
Thank you, sabrina.
I'm so excited too, and Ireally want to help women be
financially independent.
That is my why for the book.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
I know and I think that there's something
empowering about women helpingother women in this category,
and so that's why I love you somuch for what you're doing.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
Sabrina, thanks for having me.
This is great.
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