October 4, 2024 • 36 mins
What happens when life throws you an unimaginable tragedy? How do you find the strength to redefine your existence? Join us as we sit down with Tara Marino, the visionary force behind Elegant Femme, who shares her powerful journey from the heartbreaking loss of her firstborn son, Mason, to the creation of a global brand that empowers women worldwide. Tara's story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative power of choosing how to respond to life's challenges.
Explore the intricacies of womanhood and the concept of pleasure beyond physical boundaries with Tara. We unravel the societal pressures that compel women to juggle multiple roles, often at the expense of their emotional well-being. Through the lens of archetypes like the "New Yorker" and "faux New Yorker," Tara sheds light on how these roles impact women's lives, urging a shift towards prioritizing personal joy without guilt. Tara's insights help us question the narratives that bind us and encourage a fresh perspective on balancing professional and personal demands.
In our enriching conversation, we discuss the essence of authentic femininity and the importance of simplicity, focusing on meaningful experiences over materialistic pursuits. With stories from Tara's own life, such as her sailing adventures and a love for significant possessions, we uncover the hidden beauty in life's simple pleasures. Tara's wisdom guides us toward reclaiming our power and embracing a soul-led life, paving the way for richer relationships and deeper personal growth. Listen in to discover how embracing your true self can lead to a more fulfilling journey.
Connect with Tara -- https://www.instagram.com/taraannmarino
Elegant Femme -- https://elegantfemme.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, I'm Sabrina Soto.
I believe the bestconversations are with friends
who are really able to openthemselves up and share their
lives, both the good parts andthe bad.
You're going to be listening tosome of those candid
conversations and hopefullygaining some insight to help you
redesign your life from theinside out.
Hi, tara, hi, sabrina, how areyou Welcome to Redesigning Life?
(00:33):
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I am excited about ourconversation.
Tara Marino, you lead ElegantFemme and before we got started
recording, I was telling you Iwanted to talk about the
feminine because I think it'ssuch a huge topic in my personal
life, in this time in my life,and I feel like it also touches
(00:54):
a lot of people in their forties, mid forties.
A lot of my friends are talkingabout how the feminine leads
them throughout their life, andI know that's something that you
stand for.
So if we could, before we getstarted me asking you questions,
can you tell my listeners alittle bit about your background
and who you are?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Like the ultimate question, right, who are you?
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Who are?
Speaker 2 (01:17):
you.
You know it really isinteresting at this stage in
life.
You know, you and I shared alittle bit before.
We're the same age and you dostart to ask these questions
again like who am I, why am Ihere, what am I doing?
What's important, all thethings?
And I think for me, you know Iam and have been just this woman
that's on a devotional path ofaligning the physical world and
(01:41):
the beauty that I love, thequality of life that I desire,
the dreams and desires of myheart, with a deep devotional to
God, to my soul, and walkingthrough the world to the best of
my ability, with grace, withthe opportunity to evolve and
receive and prioritize what Ireally, really value.
And, out of my entire lifeexperience and, you know, the
(02:05):
loss of my firstborn son, thesereal defining moments that,
although we don't all share thesame defining moments, we all
have them.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Points in time where we choose.
How am I going to live fromthis point forward?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
So that was, you know , the birth of my company
Elegant Femme, and for over twodecades now, just living into
each and every day rememberingbut Tara, I mean.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
I think most people agree the worst pain that
anybody could even fathom islosing a child.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
I hope so.
Yes, I hope there isn'tanything.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
It really is.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
No, I really I feel like what I have come to
understand with my experience isthat we can't compare grief.
It's like we all experiencedifferent types of pain and
whatever, and it's not reallydifferent types of pain.
It's pain that comes indifferent forms.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
And I really have learned over time that there is
no comparison and and and.
Yet, um, you know when you area parent and you recognize how
much love is poured into thesesouls that come through us.
It is even now, as I sit herewith you, 22 years later since
(03:23):
Mason passed.
I still can't fathom that ithappened.
We distance ourselves from that, thank goodness.
I mean, that's one of thevalues of time that we do begin
to see things differently.
But that was also a crackingopen for me and I would
absolutely not be where I amtoday without that experience.
(03:44):
It changed me, it birthed me.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
His death birthed me for sure In what way of just
maybe realizing what, how toprioritize the things in your
life.
Or can you explain to me howyou say that a lot in your
business, like it, cracked youopen.
Can you verbalize or explain tous how that happened?
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Yeah, I mean again.
Mason died in my arms, so thiswas the most cathartic yet
poetic thing I could have everimagined.
And about a year after hepassed away, I was surrounded by
lawyer papers and asking thequestion that we all ask why me,
why me, why me, why me Veryeasy question to ask and also,
(04:29):
at that point in time, because Iwas so wrought in pain, it was
also a very easy question toanswer and that my ego was like
well, because you did this oryou did this, you're not a good
person.
This, you deserve this.
I mean, it was a, a default ofum, feeling like I wasn't enough
and that I deserved this kindof pain in my life, and gifting
(04:55):
myself the space in that momentto hear a different response
inside, which was stop askingwhy, why you, and start asking
how?
How are you going to respond tothis?
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Because the why wasn't getting me anywhere.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
It was only true and it wasn't true.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
It wasn't true, but my ego is very, very quick to
fill in the blanks.
As we do right, we think why ifwe could understand why
something happens to us, it'sgoing to be the healing moment.
If God would have come down andtold me why, in that moment, it
still wouldn't have been enough.
It was not, so that's what Imean cracked me open the
question of how am I going torespond to this?
(05:36):
And through that initialquestioning inside, I started to
regain my power.
I never really lost it, but myawareness of my power that I did
have choice in this moment,that my life really was not
happening to me, that I could bea co-creator in my life, and it
was that point in time that Istarted journaling, I started
(05:58):
creating, I birthed what are nowknown around the world as the
fem types, and I healed myselfthrough that journey and it
became my business.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
So you created an, you created elegant femme.
It was birthed through the pain.
What did you find?
How, I guess, did that journeylead you there?
Speaker 2 (06:22):
So for me, what's also really important is that
Elegant Femme wasn't createdbecause I thought I'm going to
create a big, beautiful business.
I'm going to create aneight-figure global brand to
change the world.
That's how this will meansomething.
It started with my own healing.
That was what it was all about.
I had no intentions of doinganything else with it.
So each day, after that pointin time that I just shared with
(06:44):
you, I started journaling andjust opening up myself to
different kinds of questions Ithink the easiest maybe not
easiest way to hear it, butreally channeling, journaling,
channeling, hearing these pointsof healing and I came up with
three aspects the Indy, theFrenchie and the New Yorker that
I needed to embody each day,and each day that I did, I felt
(07:09):
different.
Okay.
Tell me about the three types,journaling with these different
aspects.
So that voice at first camethrough with such a tiny whisper
.
It's like stop asking why andstart asking how.
And that voice I identifiedwith the indie.
The indie femme type is thebeing aspect, the aspect of us
(07:30):
that resides in a state of peace, of calm, of inner knowing,
awareness of our value and ourself-worth, supports us in
increasing our capacity toreceive our intuition right.
All of this was pouring throughme.
So every day I was like, okay,I need my indie, I need my indie
(07:50):
femme type.
What does that look like for metoday?
What's going to reconnect mewith who I know myself to be?
Maybe it's journaling, maybeit's meditating, maybe it's hot
lemon tea, like.
What kind of reflection do Ineed in the world to prioritize
who I really am?
Shortly after that came theFrenchie femmeemtype.
So I want to paint this picture.
I was 26 years old, hadpregnant body, c-section scar,
(08:13):
freezer full of breast milk andno baby.
I hated my body.
I hated everybody, everything,everything.
So even taking a shower waslike painful for me from a not
only physical but mentalperspective.
So the Frenchie came through asa femme type that has
everything to do with beautyinternal beauty and external
(08:36):
beauty, body image andrelationships.
So each day doing a littlesomething that prioritized
pleasure over trying to fixsomething in the world was the
Frenchie Femme type.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Okay, wait, give me an example of what would give
you pleasure, Because I think alot of people probably say I
want to incorporate Frenchie inmy life every day.
But what did that look like foryou?
Speaker 2 (09:03):
So it is going to be different to every single person
.
And this is actually a very bigquestion for women, cause,
although women say I'd like toprioritize pleasure, then you
ask them she's like, well, youknow, once, once the kids are
taken care of, or once all thework's done, or I don't even
know what I want anymore,because I'm so used to
prioritizing everybody else thatwhen you ask me that question,
I'm like, oh, so it's going tolook different for everyone.
(09:23):
And for me it started with,honestly, even just taking a
shower right.
Overing my body, putting coconutoil on my body, wearing
beautiful lingerie, taking walks, identifying songs and music
that I loved, you know, sittingwith a beautiful cup of tea
anything.
There's not just physicalpleasure in the world.
Again, our minds tend to gookay, what's going to turn you
(09:44):
on?
Pleasure is so much bigger.
So it's not just the thingitself that is going to be
pleasurable for us.
Behind that, it's giftingourselves permission, as women,
to prioritize pleasure, to notfeel like we have to earn it.
That's right.
We have to check off everythingelse on the to-do list first,
(10:04):
and then maybe then it's okayfor us.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
That's me.
Yeah for sure.
So yesterday we shot here thatwe had filmed here in the house
and I was talking to myboyfriend on the phone and he I
had to be on camera.
I had to actually be cameraready and, tara, I made sure
that this house.
I actually started ironing myduvet cover because I needed
(10:28):
everything to be perfect in thehouse before anybody walked in.
And then I came last.
I didn't even get ready untileverything else was done and I
realized that's my life.
I've I have prioritizedeverything else and then I will
only gift myself the pleasure ofa bath or once everything else
is done.
And I think a lot of us do that.
(10:50):
A lot of us put ourselves lastconstantly because we do have so
much on our to-do lists.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
We do.
And also we get addicted to thetwo, to the, the.
We get addicted to it as apoint of value which brings
forward the final fem type, andthat is the new yorker.
And the new yorker is reallyinteresting because when we
first hear the new york it'slike, oh, I get her.
She's the badass walking on thestreet.
(11:17):
New york, she's gettingeverything done, she's the
powerhouse.
The foundation of the newyorker, energy is allowing.
So if we look at the india'sbeing, the Frenchie as enjoying
and the New Yorker as allowing,allowing ourselves to take the
aligned action that's mostcongruent, which is very
different than what we call,inside of elegant femme, the
(11:40):
faux New Yorker.
The faux New Yorker is I haveto get everything done on my
to-do list.
I'm going to add something tomy to-do list just so I can
check it off, because my valueand my self-worth are associated
with how much I do.
And given that it's never, ever,ever done, I am going to do, do
, do, do, do myself intoexhaustion, into adrenal fatigue
, into resentment, which isactually what happens, with a
(12:02):
lot of women not saying we can'tsee results in that way.
We can.
We all know that.
Right, this is the overlydriven embodiment of a woman in
her phone.
New Yorker, it's like a high,it's super addictive, it's super
tense to go into that energy.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
We get rewarded for it.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
We do to an extent.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
You're right.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Because what's starting to happen now and more
and more women are talking aboutthis is there may be some
external results and awards thatfeel good, and that again, it's
not black and white, but ouregos get very, very addicted to
this.
Look at me making a lot ofmoney, I'm doing a lot of things
, I'm important in this.
Again, there's nothing wrongwith it.
But when it's a sacrifice forour well-being, in the end we
(12:50):
actually still don't feelfulfilled.
We don't come into elegantfemme, right, and then we're
like what the hell is going on?
Tara, I did it right.
I did the plan.
I've been working so hard, I'mgetting so much accomplished, I
have the big job, I have theletters after my name.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
I'm working so hard.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
I'm getting so much accomplished.
I have the big job.
I have the letters after myname.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
I'm making this a match of money Like I'm not
happy.
I'm not happy, what's?
Speaker 2 (13:13):
happened, yes, Like okay.
Well, where's your FrenchieRight?
I don't have time for her.
I don't have time.
I love what you're saying.
It all sounds so nice.
It sounds so nice, but youdon't understand my life.
That's right, I have this to doand that to do and this to do
and that to do, and we forgetthe ability that we have to
respond to our lives.
It goes back to the very firstquestion of like, how, how am I
choosing to live my life and howam I going to respond to it?
(13:35):
Because of them not feelingfulfillment, if I'm not feeling
enjoyment and if I'm feelinglike I need to be the last on
the list, all that we'rebreeding in the world as women
is resentment, and that's nottrue.
It's not all we're breeding,but I'm talking about from that
viewpoint.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Okay, can I?
This is going to be a littlecontroversial and probably going
to regret saying this, but Ifeel like that's a story of my
life.
I feel like we are in thisreally tough spot where we're
fighting for our rights to beequal, right and but the the but
on top of all of this, we, aswomen, we have more
(14:18):
responsibility than than werealize.
I guess, yes, we can haveequality in the workplace we
should and be boss babes and allthe things that we're trying to
do, and we still have themother role A lot of us have to
play and that takes a lot out ofus.
And so I feel like we're we'reall trying to be the boss babes
(14:43):
in work, but we forget that westill have to be the mom and the
partner and all of these other,and it's heavy.
It's so heavy on us and I wastalking to a friend of mine the
other day about it even inschool.
Okay, my Olivia, I have a littleeight year old.
Olivia's dad and I are.
(15:03):
We're no longer together.
We get along, thank goodness.
We co-parent wonderfullytogether, and if anything
happens to Olivia at school,they call me first, right, don't
?
They always call the mom first.
So that's just one example ofjust a little bit more weight is
put on us as moms to be therefirst, and maybe that's going to
(15:26):
change.
But where things stand now,moms still have to do more and
it's just becoming heavy and Ifeel like a lot of my friends
are burnt out because of it.
And do you feel that in theclients that you coach that it's
just as women we're becomingburnt like burnouts because
(15:47):
we're just doing too much allthe time?
Speaker 2 (15:50):
For sure, for sure, and I mean this is where the
operation of being in the phone,new Yorker, with the exhaustion
and the weight that we feel wehave to carry, and yet the big
thing that's available to us isthe point of choice that we
forget.
We get so easily into this likeI just have to do this, I have
to do this, I have to do this,and we can make both of us a
(16:13):
very logical case of well, yes,we have to do it, because if we
don't do it, who else is goingto do it?
We have to do it.
And so what you're sharing Ithink is really beautiful.
If we look back to like WorldWar II, where women were coming
into the workplace right, if youremember that famous poster I
think her name was Rosie where,like that girl with the bandana
and she's like kissing her, youknow, she's like we can do it A
(16:35):
really beautiful point in timewhere women were called into
what you're talking about, thisequality of.
Look at us, we can do it, wecan do it.
And above that ad actuallyoriginally I did some research
on it it says are you doing allyou can?
So, again, at that time, Ithink this was really beautiful.
It was a gorgeous upliftmentfor women in many ways.
(16:56):
But I feel like the pendulum hasgone too far.
We have taken this idea that wejust because we can, we're
supposed to and that we should,and we have bought into the
misunderstanding and theillusion that some of these
other activities, like buildinga business, making money,
working outside the home,they're all beautiful.
Yes, we can do it.
(17:16):
We have devalued, I believe,the feminine aspects and the
feminine roles that are just asimportant as these other ones
and we have.
Again, we can all look at likepoint fingers of this is society
or this is a no, we, it's us,it's our choice.
We have bought into theillusion that that's more
(17:38):
important and yet we don't wantto let go of the motherhood role
.
If that's a calling for us,again, it's not a have to.
If it's a calling we get toreprioritize what we really
value and take a really goodlook inside authentically and
ask ourselves what's reallybringing us fulfillment.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
And really some value , some of these things that I
mean.
I remember really early on inelegant fam before Elliot fam,
excuse me I was in real estateand my first house I sold.
I got like an $18,000commission and this was like in
2000 and I don't know like four,four, like a while ago.
This was a lot of money backthen and I remember putting
(18:25):
clothes in the dryer andthinking like a little proud of
myself and then all of a suddenthinking why am I doing this
laundry?
Now I have to do everythingaround here, going into total
martyrdom and being like thenI'm making a decision.
I'm not doing laundry because Iwas seeing it as not as
valuable as making the money.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
So I feel like and I hear everything you're saying
and I so relate and I reallyfeel like there is a big
opportunity for women toremember and value themselves
differently in what it is theyare choosing to participate in,
(19:08):
and recognize that we actuallydon't have to do it all and have
a really authentic conversationwith ourselves around what are
we really wanting?
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
A hundred percent.
A hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I can tell you probably.
You know I lived in New York.
Funny, I was in real estate toobefore I got on HGTV.
But when I was in New Yorkworking I worked so much I
probably worked seven days aweek, all like for the years
five years that I lived thereand from the outside you'd be
like she's killing it, like Iwas the top.
(19:44):
You know I couldn't.
I was doing everything rightand I was super successful, but
I was so not fulfilled and Ifelt empty and I felt really
lonely in my life at that time.
Looking back, and it's hardwhen you're in the race, you
know, when you're in the forestit's hard, but I think it comes
probably with maturity torealize that soft is strong and
(20:11):
you don't have to hustle all thetime to create a beautiful life
, don't you?
I mean, isn't that, didn't you?
Didn't it take time for you torealize that?
Cause it took me 47 years tofigure that out.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
I think I think we're all.
For me, I'm always learning it,I'm always being reminded of it
and I do feel like this is whyI say that that the death of
Mason was one of my greatestgifts, because I feel like I was
gifted insight at a very, veryyoung age, given that experience
in my life where I witnessedfirst of all how quickly things
(20:46):
can change in our lives and thedifference in feeling in my body
versus kind of the chasingenergy of an external result
that we think is going to bringus peace, calm, fulfillment,
happiness, versus the realchoice to follow desire, energy
inside and the courage that thattakes, but the level of peace
(21:09):
and calm and serenity and truepower that it activates inside
of us.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
It's going to look different to every single one of
us.
Every single one of us.
It does take a lot of to everysingle one of us, every single
one of us.
It does take a lot of courageto say to ourselves like, wow,
like you said with your story inNew York, like everyone would
be like, oh my gosh, right,she's the creme de la creme,
she's got everything.
But the feeling inside for usto admit like, okay, it might
look like this on the outside,but inside it's not what I want.
(21:40):
It's not what I want.
I want a slower pace.
So I'll tell you next weekwe're bringing my son to college
in the south of France and thenmy husband and I are getting on
a sailboat and we're sailingaround the world.
What we have slowed down ourlife so much.
And I've been making thesechoices consistently over the
past 20 years of like I just Iwant to do so much less in my
(22:02):
life now.
Now, I love it so funny.
I know I want to do so muchless in my life.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
I don't know.
I'm sure a lot of listenersknow what I'm talking about, but
there's an Instagram accountcalled cheap old houses.
Do you are you familiar with?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
this?
No, I don't know it.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
account called cheap old houses.
Do you?
Are you familiar with this?
So they post all of thesehouses from all over and they're
really inexpensive and Iconstantly sending them to my
boyfriend, like let's just livea simple life in this little
house in the middle of nowhere,because I feel like I've spent
my twenties and thirties justhustling, working my ass off to
get where I am and now it's likethe pendulum has shifted and I
(22:42):
just want to read a book and putmy bare feet into grass and
just see the sunlight and justrelax.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Yes, yes, it's yes and it's real.
It's real.
There's so much Like I couldget super emotional about this,
because there's so much that wefeel in life that we have to do
or that we're supposed to do,and I do think this has come
(23:12):
with age for me.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
I really do see the world in such a different way,
in that, really, the things wethink matter and we know it, we
know it inside always, but theembodiment of it makes choices
that support it are completelydifferent.
Speaker 1 (23:36):
I was on one of my podcasts a few weeks ago.
Danny Morrell was a guest and Iwas.
For the first time I publiclytalked about my psilocybin
journey and I don't know ifyou've ever done a journey, but
the first journey that I did,the thing that came through the
most was that the things thatmatter and what was shown to me
(23:56):
was my watch.
I bought a Rolex.
When I first got my big checkin New York and they were saying
the watch that you're wearing,it doesn't matter.
You all humans made a Rolexmatter, yet it's just a watch
and it was a symbol foreverything in our life that we
(24:17):
put weight on and labels on andthat they matter and these
materialistic things that don'tmatter.
In there and the download waslike we give you sunsets and
waterfalls and beautiful moonsand stars and grass and flowers
and these, all of these thingsthat are so gorgeous at your
fingertips and you all careabout a car and a watch and some
(24:38):
stupid purse.
And it wasn't even judgmentallike that.
I'm making it judgmental as ahuman, but it was with love.
But all of that to say is weare all striving for these
things, to collect these things,when, at the end of the day,
once you get those things, youmight be happy for maybe a day,
and then that fades too.
But what doesn't fade arememories and family and friends
(25:01):
and and love and friendship andconnection.
That's what we should bestriving for and we don't, and
I've been guilty of that too.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Yeah, I think for me what the interesting
conversation around, like thematerial things that I feel like
yes, in some ways it's just awatch or it's just a purse, or
it's just a purse or it's just acar.
However, what I have found formyself and this is where we talk
a lot in Elegant Femme aboutexternal beauty and about the
embodiment of the Frenchie thatwhen we do gift ourselves
permission to invest in thingsthat we do desire, there's a
(25:34):
spiritual growth componentassociated with that.
I remember when I bought myfirst selene purse and it was at
a depot, it was at a you like aconsignment store, because
that's what I could afford atthat time.
That was the level ofpermission I was willing to gift
myself, because I had onlyreceived hand-me-downs my whole
life.
Anything brand name was ahand-me-down.
(25:55):
The time that I walked into aselene store store in Paris on
Avenue Montaigne and bought areal Celine purse was a
spiritual moment for me, and itwasn't because it's just about a
purse, it was the permissioninside to allow myself to invest
in something that had thatvalue to me, that had a beauty,
that had an appreciation, thathad a quality.
(26:16):
I get that Watch that danceright, Because then it can
become an addiction.
Exactly that is my value, whichis not what I'm saying at all I
get that.
The appreciation of things canbe a spiritual evolution in the
movement, in the growth, in theconversations that we unlock
inside.
But it is a beautiful dancebecause we tend to again go to
(26:37):
two extremes Either, oh, I can'tallow any of that in my life
because I don't want to becomeoverly materialistic, or I have
to have everything, and that'swho I am.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Yes, you're right, it is a balance.
You're absolutely right.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Because then it becomes fun, because I love
beautiful things, I lovegorgeous purses, we're getting a
gorgeous boat, but it is thatdiscernment of, but that doesn't
it's not who I am, it's whatI'm desiring to experience, but
it's not who I am.
And when it comes to that pointof but now I'm chasing or
hustling or feeling like I needthis money, these things in my
(27:11):
life to make me who I am, thenthat's where we realize, like
okay, something's out of sync.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Yeah, everything in life is such a balance, and I
know you do coaching.
So what do you feel like mostof your clients?
Is there a category that mostwomen these days are dealing
with that you see over time andtime again with your clients?
Speaker 2 (27:32):
I mean, it's really everything we've been talking
about.
There's over-identificationwith the masculine as a form of
value, this idea that women arenow coming into a space where
they can verbally recognize thatit's not serving them, but that
permission of letting go of theaddiction to the hustle, to
(27:53):
these things as a point of valueand to the idea that inside
that's the only way to successthings as a point of value and
to the idea that inside that'sthe only way to success, that's
what every woman inside ofelegant fam that comes is
unraveling to some extent.
And then how do I gift myselfpermission to live into my
beautiful soul, red life, togrow at the pace that I want to?
So the other thing that comesup for a lot of women is if I
continue to grow and evolve, I'mgoing to leave my partner
(28:15):
behind.
So that's another bigconversation that we can do.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
I'm going to leave my partner behind, so that's
another big conversation that wecan do.
Yes, yes, that is.
A lot of my friends are goingthrough that, like they're
evolving and they feel liketheir partner is stagnant.
And how do you, how do you like, merge or even mend that
separation?
Speaker 2 (28:37):
Yeah, it's a really interesting, I think, dynamic
between the masculine and thefeminine, because what it
typically starts at is is thewoman starts to evolve and grow
and she's having these amazingahas and like openings and she
tries to coach her husband.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
Do not do that.
Tell me, because I already knowtwo people in my life that are
going to listen to this and wantto hear If you find a
listener's finding themselves ina situation where they are
ascending and I don't even wantto put that judgment on it just
changing.
They are just changing andbecoming either more spiritual
(29:17):
or more health focused, orwhatever the case may be, and
their partner is staying thesame.
What do they do?
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Okay, I'll say first what not to do, right.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
Do not try to explain to them or tell them what they
should be doing to keep up withyou.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
This is because it only creates more distance.
Being really authentic withourselves.
We actually have a programinside Elegant Femme called
Sensually Authentic.
This is so, so, so important.
We have to get really honestwith ourselves.
Are we in any way havingresentment or holding our
partner hostage, thinking thatwe need to get their permission
(29:56):
or that they have to grow at acertain rate, in a certain way,
in order for us to grow?
We don't realize that we sendout these like energetic hooks,
like you're slowing me down.
What's wrong with like?
We have to get really honestinside.
If we are harboring anyresentment around who they are,
what they are, and projecting onthem, that's the only we don't.
We're not saying that to them.
(30:16):
This is a conversation, aninternal conversation inside.
Then we need to get really,really clear on what we actually
want and know that we are theonly ones that can create it.
In addition, with God, we haveto take full responsibility for
what we want in our lives andlet go of any feeling that
(30:37):
someone else is responsible forour happiness.
When we continue to embody that, when we let go of the idea
that someone needs to keep upwith us, that's when we soar and
that's when that relationship,that person will make a choice.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
Okay, or they're just by just watching you watching
it and you embodying it fully.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
You can't, I can get really annoying Tara.
You can't hold back.
You can't hold back, but it'sgot to be a very clean energy.
It's not again.
We've got to look for theresentment.
We've got to look for theplaces inside where we're
waiting for permission We've gotto look for.
Are places inside we're waitingfor permission We've got to
look for?
Are we holding them hostage inany way?
This really beautifulembodiment of our own truth, our
(31:23):
own power, without holding back, and they will see it.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
Okay, I'm just going to give you an example.
Let's say there's a husband andwife and the wife wants to
become healthier and she startsworking out, she starts losing
weight.
You can see her body transformand every day she comes home
from the gym her husband's onthe lazy boy, eating you know
whatever and overweight and justreally unhealthy.
(31:50):
So how like it must getfrustrating to see every day a
physical like physicallynothing's changing and obviously
mentally nothing's changing andyou're changing.
So you're saying, yeah, don'tsay anything to them.
Obviously he'll see that youare transforming, but like
there's only so much you cantake of you changing and wanting
(32:13):
your husband or your partner,whomever, to follow you on this
path of being healthy andthey're not doing anything.
So like for people who arelistening and this is just an
example but people do itspiritually in other ways, how
do you deal with the frustrationof watching that lazy boy
(32:34):
person not moving?
Speaker 2 (32:36):
Yeah Well, first we need to recognize that it's not
about us, it's not a projectionon us, because we do get really
frustrated as if we're the onesthat are supposed to control
that situation.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
And we're not.
That's where the frustrationcomes in.
The frustration comes in that Ishould be able to fix that.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
Right.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
That is not where our focus needs to go.
Our focus needs to continuallygo to I am honoring myself.
Do we love this person?
We love this person?
We tell them we love them.
Okay, if it's getting to thepoint where there is a clear gap
, you will know.
You will know if you are beingcalled in a different direction
and you are being calledsomewhere else in your life.
(33:14):
What I'm saying is that tryingto change that person in any way
is not where the energy isgoing to be most utilized.
It's only continuing to giftourselves permission to go where
we're being called to go, andthat person will make a choice.
Right, they're either going tojoin and live into the best
version of them.
(33:35):
It's really difficult at timesin any relationship whether it's
in a marriage, a friendship,anything when one person starts
self-actualizing and the otherperson is choosing not to.
It's their choice, they reallyare choosing not to.
And so I hear what you'resaying and, yes, I feel like
every relationship goes throughthis to some extent where, then,
(33:56):
a choice will be made, but thechoice has to come from that
person.
We know this, we know it, weknow it, we know it.
That person is going to say,okay, am I?
Am I going this way?
Am I going that way?
Speaker 1 (34:12):
I just took a deep breath for my friends.
I just took a deep breath formy friends who are going through
this now.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
And again I don't mean to sugarcoat it.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
No, I get it.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
Or like not, you know , honor the level of debt.
It's just that I want to bereally clear in the energy,
because as women we are sotrained to think that we are
supposed to fix situations.
We are ones to help people,that it's our obligation, our
responsibility.
If I was this enough or thatenough, then the person would
see this and they would do that.
If I'm working out and I'mtaking such good care in this
example right Of my body, thenobviously they see and they
(34:48):
appreciate, like why aren't theydoing?
We put our power in the otherperson and in the situation
waiting for that level ofpermission, recognition, and I
know it's not simple at timesbut actually over time we start
to feel the different energy inour body when we're pouring it
into a situation that is notours to fix at all and utilizing
(35:12):
this we don't realize this is alittle maybe like sticky to say
but we don't realize that we'regiving our power away and
actually utilizing it as a wayto stop our own growth.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
We're afraid that if we keep growing, we have the
beautiful soul led life.
Whatever our version of that isthat we're going to lose people
.
So we have a tendency to blamepeople, to hold on to people, to
get frustrated and resentful,thinking that I need them to get
on board and all we're doing issubjugating our own power.
Speaker 1 (35:39):
You're absolutely right, Tara.
Thank you so much.
Time to go.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
Just for anyone listening.
You know I get fired up.
You know I get fired up withthis.
Speaker 1 (35:49):
I love it.
I'm going to link to Tara'samazing podcast and her website
so you can get in touch with herand her Instagram as well.
I love this conversationbecause I think it's so timely.
I feel like all of my friendsand I are talking about the
feminine and what does thatactually mean and what does it
feel like to live in itauthentically.
(36:10):
So I thank you so much for yourconversation and your time
today and again, everybody whowants to get a hold of Tara,
I'll have it right in the shownotes.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
Thank you so much, sabrina.
I love the time, I love theconversation as well, and thank
you for your vulnerability andjust the space to really have
the real conversation.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
Thank you.
Hi, I'm Sabrina Soto.
I believe the bestconversations are with friends
who are really able to openthemselves up and share their
lives, both the good parts andthe bad.
You're going to be listening tosome of those candid
conversations and hopefullygaining some insight to help you
redesign your life from theinside out.
Hi, tara, hi, sabrina, how areyou Welcome to Redesigning Life?
(00:33):
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I am excited about ourconversation.
Tara Marino, you lead ElegantFemme and before we got started
recording, I was telling you Iwanted to talk about the
feminine because I think it'ssuch a huge topic in my personal
life, in this time in my life,and I feel like it also touches
(00:54):
a lot of people in their forties, mid forties.
A lot of my friends are talkingabout how the feminine leads
them throughout their life, andI know that's something that you
stand for.
So if we could, before we getstarted me asking you questions,
can you tell my listeners alittle bit about your background
and who you are?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Like the ultimate question, right, who are you?
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Who are?
Speaker 2 (01:17):
you.
You know it really isinteresting at this stage in
life.
You know, you and I shared alittle bit before.
We're the same age and you dostart to ask these questions
again like who am I, why am Ihere, what am I doing?
What's important, all thethings?
And I think for me, you know Iam and have been just this woman
that's on a devotional path ofaligning the physical world and
(01:41):
the beauty that I love, thequality of life that I desire,
the dreams and desires of myheart, with a deep devotional to
God, to my soul, and walkingthrough the world to the best of
my ability, with grace, withthe opportunity to evolve and
receive and prioritize what Ireally, really value.
And, out of my entire lifeexperience and, you know, the
(02:05):
loss of my firstborn son, thesereal defining moments that,
although we don't all share thesame defining moments, we all
have them.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Points in time where we choose.
How am I going to live fromthis point forward?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
So that was, you know , the birth of my company
Elegant Femme, and for over twodecades now, just living into
each and every day rememberingbut Tara, I mean.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
I think most people agree the worst pain that
anybody could even fathom islosing a child.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
I hope so.
Yes, I hope there isn'tanything.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
It really is.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
No, I really I feel like what I have come to
understand with my experience isthat we can't compare grief.
It's like we all experiencedifferent types of pain and
whatever, and it's not reallydifferent types of pain.
It's pain that comes indifferent forms.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
And I really have learned over time that there is
no comparison and and and.
Yet, um, you know when you area parent and you recognize how
much love is poured into thesesouls that come through us.
It is even now, as I sit herewith you, 22 years later since
(03:23):
Mason passed.
I still can't fathom that ithappened.
We distance ourselves from that, thank goodness.
I mean, that's one of thevalues of time that we do begin
to see things differently.
But that was also a crackingopen for me and I would
absolutely not be where I amtoday without that experience.
(03:44):
It changed me, it birthed me.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
His death birthed me for sure In what way of just
maybe realizing what, how toprioritize the things in your
life.
Or can you explain to me howyou say that a lot in your
business, like it, cracked youopen.
Can you verbalize or explain tous how that happened?
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Yeah, I mean again.
Mason died in my arms, so thiswas the most cathartic yet
poetic thing I could have everimagined.
And about a year after hepassed away, I was surrounded by
lawyer papers and asking thequestion that we all ask why me,
why me, why me, why me Veryeasy question to ask and also,
(04:29):
at that point in time, because Iwas so wrought in pain, it was
also a very easy question toanswer and that my ego was like
well, because you did this oryou did this, you're not a good
person.
This, you deserve this.
I mean, it was a, a default ofum, feeling like I wasn't enough
and that I deserved this kindof pain in my life, and gifting
(04:55):
myself the space in that momentto hear a different response
inside, which was stop askingwhy, why you, and start asking
how?
How are you going to respond tothis?
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Because the why wasn't getting me anywhere.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
It was only true and it wasn't true.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
It wasn't true, but my ego is very, very quick to
fill in the blanks.
As we do right, we think why ifwe could understand why
something happens to us, it'sgoing to be the healing moment.
If God would have come down andtold me why, in that moment, it
still wouldn't have been enough.
It was not, so that's what Imean cracked me open the
question of how am I going torespond to this?
(05:36):
And through that initialquestioning inside, I started to
regain my power.
I never really lost it, but myawareness of my power that I did
have choice in this moment,that my life really was not
happening to me, that I could bea co-creator in my life, and it
was that point in time that Istarted journaling, I started
(05:58):
creating, I birthed what are nowknown around the world as the
fem types, and I healed myselfthrough that journey and it
became my business.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
So you created an, you created elegant femme.
It was birthed through the pain.
What did you find?
How, I guess, did that journeylead you there?
Speaker 2 (06:22):
So for me, what's also really important is that
Elegant Femme wasn't createdbecause I thought I'm going to
create a big, beautiful business.
I'm going to create aneight-figure global brand to
change the world.
That's how this will meansomething.
It started with my own healing.
That was what it was all about.
I had no intentions of doinganything else with it.
So each day, after that pointin time that I just shared with
(06:44):
you, I started journaling andjust opening up myself to
different kinds of questions Ithink the easiest maybe not
easiest way to hear it, butreally channeling, journaling,
channeling, hearing these pointsof healing and I came up with
three aspects the Indy, theFrenchie and the New Yorker that
I needed to embody each day,and each day that I did, I felt
(07:09):
different.
Okay.
Tell me about the three types,journaling with these different
aspects.
So that voice at first camethrough with such a tiny whisper
.
It's like stop asking why andstart asking how.
And that voice I identifiedwith the indie.
The indie femme type is thebeing aspect, the aspect of us
(07:30):
that resides in a state of peace, of calm, of inner knowing,
awareness of our value and ourself-worth, supports us in
increasing our capacity toreceive our intuition right.
All of this was pouring throughme.
So every day I was like, okay,I need my indie, I need my indie
(07:50):
femme type.
What does that look like for metoday?
What's going to reconnect mewith who I know myself to be?
Maybe it's journaling, maybeit's meditating, maybe it's hot
lemon tea, like.
What kind of reflection do Ineed in the world to prioritize
who I really am?
Shortly after that came theFrenchie femmeemtype.
So I want to paint this picture.
I was 26 years old, hadpregnant body, c-section scar,
(08:13):
freezer full of breast milk andno baby.
I hated my body.
I hated everybody, everything,everything.
So even taking a shower waslike painful for me from a not
only physical but mentalperspective.
So the Frenchie came through asa femme type that has
everything to do with beautyinternal beauty and external
(08:36):
beauty, body image andrelationships.
So each day doing a littlesomething that prioritized
pleasure over trying to fixsomething in the world was the
Frenchie Femme type.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Okay, wait, give me an example of what would give
you pleasure, Because I think alot of people probably say I
want to incorporate Frenchie inmy life every day.
But what did that look like foryou?
Speaker 2 (09:03):
So it is going to be different to every single person
.
And this is actually a very bigquestion for women, cause,
although women say I'd like toprioritize pleasure, then you
ask them she's like, well, youknow, once, once the kids are
taken care of, or once all thework's done, or I don't even
know what I want anymore,because I'm so used to
prioritizing everybody else thatwhen you ask me that question,
I'm like, oh, so it's going tolook different for everyone.
(09:23):
And for me it started with,honestly, even just taking a
shower right.
Overing my body, putting coconutoil on my body, wearing
beautiful lingerie, taking walks, identifying songs and music
that I loved, you know, sittingwith a beautiful cup of tea
anything.
There's not just physicalpleasure in the world.
Again, our minds tend to gookay, what's going to turn you
(09:44):
on?
Pleasure is so much bigger.
So it's not just the thingitself that is going to be
pleasurable for us.
Behind that, it's giftingourselves permission, as women,
to prioritize pleasure, to notfeel like we have to earn it.
That's right.
We have to check off everythingelse on the to-do list first,
(10:04):
and then maybe then it's okayfor us.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
That's me.
Yeah for sure.
So yesterday we shot here thatwe had filmed here in the house
and I was talking to myboyfriend on the phone and he I
had to be on camera.
I had to actually be cameraready and, tara, I made sure
that this house.
I actually started ironing myduvet cover because I needed
(10:28):
everything to be perfect in thehouse before anybody walked in.
And then I came last.
I didn't even get ready untileverything else was done and I
realized that's my life.
I've I have prioritizedeverything else and then I will
only gift myself the pleasure ofa bath or once everything else
is done.
And I think a lot of us do that.
(10:50):
A lot of us put ourselves lastconstantly because we do have so
much on our to-do lists.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
We do.
And also we get addicted to thetwo, to the, the.
We get addicted to it as apoint of value which brings
forward the final fem type, andthat is the new yorker.
And the new yorker is reallyinteresting because when we
first hear the new york it'slike, oh, I get her.
She's the badass walking on thestreet.
(11:17):
New york, she's gettingeverything done, she's the
powerhouse.
The foundation of the newyorker, energy is allowing.
So if we look at the india'sbeing, the Frenchie as enjoying
and the New Yorker as allowing,allowing ourselves to take the
aligned action that's mostcongruent, which is very
different than what we call,inside of elegant femme, the
(11:40):
faux New Yorker.
The faux New Yorker is I haveto get everything done on my
to-do list.
I'm going to add something tomy to-do list just so I can
check it off, because my valueand my self-worth are associated
with how much I do.
And given that it's never, ever,ever done, I am going to do, do
, do, do, do myself intoexhaustion, into adrenal fatigue
, into resentment, which isactually what happens, with a
(12:02):
lot of women not saying we can'tsee results in that way.
We can.
We all know that.
Right, this is the overlydriven embodiment of a woman in
her phone.
New Yorker, it's like a high,it's super addictive, it's super
tense to go into that energy.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
We get rewarded for it.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
We do to an extent.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
You're right.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Because what's starting to happen now and more
and more women are talking aboutthis is there may be some
external results and awards thatfeel good, and that again, it's
not black and white, but ouregos get very, very addicted to
this.
Look at me making a lot ofmoney, I'm doing a lot of things
, I'm important in this.
Again, there's nothing wrongwith it.
But when it's a sacrifice forour well-being, in the end we
(12:50):
actually still don't feelfulfilled.
We don't come into elegantfemme, right, and then we're
like what the hell is going on?
Tara, I did it right.
I did the plan.
I've been working so hard, I'mgetting so much accomplished, I
have the big job, I have theletters after my name.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
I'm working so hard.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
I'm getting so much accomplished.
I have the big job.
I have the letters after myname.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
I'm making this a match of money Like I'm not
happy.
I'm not happy, what's?
Speaker 2 (13:13):
happened, yes, Like okay.
Well, where's your FrenchieRight?
I don't have time for her.
I don't have time.
I love what you're saying.
It all sounds so nice.
It sounds so nice, but youdon't understand my life.
That's right, I have this to doand that to do and this to do
and that to do, and we forgetthe ability that we have to
respond to our lives.
It goes back to the very firstquestion of like, how, how am I
choosing to live my life and howam I going to respond to it?
(13:35):
Because of them not feelingfulfillment, if I'm not feeling
enjoyment and if I'm feelinglike I need to be the last on
the list, all that we'rebreeding in the world as women
is resentment, and that's nottrue.
It's not all we're breeding,but I'm talking about from that
viewpoint.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Okay, can I?
This is going to be a littlecontroversial and probably going
to regret saying this, but Ifeel like that's a story of my
life.
I feel like we are in thisreally tough spot where we're
fighting for our rights to beequal, right and but the the but
on top of all of this, we, aswomen, we have more
(14:18):
responsibility than than werealize.
I guess, yes, we can haveequality in the workplace we
should and be boss babes and allthe things that we're trying to
do, and we still have themother role A lot of us have to
play and that takes a lot out ofus.
And so I feel like we're we'reall trying to be the boss babes
(14:43):
in work, but we forget that westill have to be the mom and the
partner and all of these other,and it's heavy.
It's so heavy on us and I wastalking to a friend of mine the
other day about it even inschool.
Okay, my Olivia, I have a littleeight year old.
Olivia's dad and I are.
(15:03):
We're no longer together.
We get along, thank goodness.
We co-parent wonderfullytogether, and if anything
happens to Olivia at school,they call me first, right, don't
?
They always call the mom first.
So that's just one example ofjust a little bit more weight is
put on us as moms to be therefirst, and maybe that's going to
(15:26):
change.
But where things stand now,moms still have to do more and
it's just becoming heavy and Ifeel like a lot of my friends
are burnt out because of it.
And do you feel that in theclients that you coach that it's
just as women we're becomingburnt like burnouts because
(15:47):
we're just doing too much allthe time?
Speaker 2 (15:50):
For sure, for sure, and I mean this is where the
operation of being in the phone,new Yorker, with the exhaustion
and the weight that we feel wehave to carry, and yet the big
thing that's available to us isthe point of choice that we
forget.
We get so easily into this likeI just have to do this, I have
to do this, I have to do this,and we can make both of us a
(16:13):
very logical case of well, yes,we have to do it, because if we
don't do it, who else is goingto do it?
We have to do it.
And so what you're sharing Ithink is really beautiful.
If we look back to like WorldWar II, where women were coming
into the workplace right, if youremember that famous poster I
think her name was Rosie where,like that girl with the bandana
and she's like kissing her, youknow, she's like we can do it A
(16:35):
really beautiful point in timewhere women were called into
what you're talking about, thisequality of.
Look at us, we can do it, wecan do it.
And above that ad actuallyoriginally I did some research
on it it says are you doing allyou can?
So, again, at that time, Ithink this was really beautiful.
It was a gorgeous upliftmentfor women in many ways.
(16:56):
But I feel like the pendulum hasgone too far.
We have taken this idea that wejust because we can, we're
supposed to and that we should,and we have bought into the
misunderstanding and theillusion that some of these
other activities, like buildinga business, making money,
working outside the home,they're all beautiful.
Yes, we can do it.
(17:16):
We have devalued, I believe,the feminine aspects and the
feminine roles that are just asimportant as these other ones
and we have.
Again, we can all look at likepoint fingers of this is society
or this is a no, we, it's us,it's our choice.
We have bought into theillusion that that's more
(17:38):
important and yet we don't wantto let go of the motherhood role
.
If that's a calling for us,again, it's not a have to.
If it's a calling we get toreprioritize what we really
value and take a really goodlook inside authentically and
ask ourselves what's reallybringing us fulfillment.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
And really some value , some of these things that I
mean.
I remember really early on inelegant fam before Elliot fam,
excuse me I was in real estateand my first house I sold.
I got like an $18,000commission and this was like in
2000 and I don't know like four,four, like a while ago.
This was a lot of money backthen and I remember putting
(18:25):
clothes in the dryer andthinking like a little proud of
myself and then all of a suddenthinking why am I doing this
laundry?
Now I have to do everythingaround here, going into total
martyrdom and being like thenI'm making a decision.
I'm not doing laundry because Iwas seeing it as not as
valuable as making the money.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
So I feel like and I hear everything you're saying
and I so relate and I reallyfeel like there is a big
opportunity for women toremember and value themselves
differently in what it is theyare choosing to participate in,
(19:08):
and recognize that we actuallydon't have to do it all and have
a really authentic conversationwith ourselves around what are
we really wanting?
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
A hundred percent.
A hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I can tell you probably.
You know I lived in New York.
Funny, I was in real estate toobefore I got on HGTV.
But when I was in New Yorkworking I worked so much I
probably worked seven days aweek, all like for the years
five years that I lived thereand from the outside you'd be
like she's killing it, like Iwas the top.
(19:44):
You know I couldn't.
I was doing everything rightand I was super successful, but
I was so not fulfilled and Ifelt empty and I felt really
lonely in my life at that time.
Looking back, and it's hardwhen you're in the race, you
know, when you're in the forestit's hard, but I think it comes
probably with maturity torealize that soft is strong and
(20:11):
you don't have to hustle all thetime to create a beautiful life
, don't you?
I mean, isn't that, didn't you?
Didn't it take time for you torealize that?
Cause it took me 47 years tofigure that out.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
I think I think we're all.
For me, I'm always learning it,I'm always being reminded of it
and I do feel like this is whyI say that that the death of
Mason was one of my greatestgifts, because I feel like I was
gifted insight at a very, veryyoung age, given that experience
in my life where I witnessedfirst of all how quickly things
(20:46):
can change in our lives and thedifference in feeling in my body
versus kind of the chasingenergy of an external result
that we think is going to bringus peace, calm, fulfillment,
happiness, versus the realchoice to follow desire, energy
inside and the courage that thattakes, but the level of peace
(21:09):
and calm and serenity and truepower that it activates inside
of us.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
It's going to look different to every single one of
us.
Every single one of us.
It does take a lot of to everysingle one of us, every single
one of us.
It does take a lot of courageto say to ourselves like, wow,
like you said with your story inNew York, like everyone would
be like, oh my gosh, right,she's the creme de la creme,
she's got everything.
But the feeling inside for usto admit like, okay, it might
look like this on the outside,but inside it's not what I want.
(21:40):
It's not what I want.
I want a slower pace.
So I'll tell you next weekwe're bringing my son to college
in the south of France and thenmy husband and I are getting on
a sailboat and we're sailingaround the world.
What we have slowed down ourlife so much.
And I've been making thesechoices consistently over the
past 20 years of like I just Iwant to do so much less in my
(22:02):
life now.
Now, I love it so funny.
I know I want to do so muchless in my life.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
I don't know.
I'm sure a lot of listenersknow what I'm talking about, but
there's an Instagram accountcalled cheap old houses.
Do you are you familiar with?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
this?
No, I don't know it.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
account called cheap old houses.
Do you?
Are you familiar with this?
So they post all of thesehouses from all over and they're
really inexpensive and Iconstantly sending them to my
boyfriend, like let's just livea simple life in this little
house in the middle of nowhere,because I feel like I've spent
my twenties and thirties justhustling, working my ass off to
get where I am and now it's likethe pendulum has shifted and I
(22:42):
just want to read a book and putmy bare feet into grass and
just see the sunlight and justrelax.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Yes, yes, it's yes and it's real.
It's real.
There's so much Like I couldget super emotional about this,
because there's so much that wefeel in life that we have to do
or that we're supposed to do,and I do think this has come
(23:12):
with age for me.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
I really do see the world in such a different way,
in that, really, the things wethink matter and we know it, we
know it inside always, but theembodiment of it makes choices
that support it are completelydifferent.
Speaker 1 (23:36):
I was on one of my podcasts a few weeks ago.
Danny Morrell was a guest and Iwas.
For the first time I publiclytalked about my psilocybin
journey and I don't know ifyou've ever done a journey, but
the first journey that I did,the thing that came through the
most was that the things thatmatter and what was shown to me
(23:56):
was my watch.
I bought a Rolex.
When I first got my big checkin New York and they were saying
the watch that you're wearing,it doesn't matter.
You all humans made a Rolexmatter, yet it's just a watch
and it was a symbol foreverything in our life that we
(24:17):
put weight on and labels on andthat they matter and these
materialistic things that don'tmatter.
In there and the download waslike we give you sunsets and
waterfalls and beautiful moonsand stars and grass and flowers
and these, all of these thingsthat are so gorgeous at your
fingertips and you all careabout a car and a watch and some
(24:38):
stupid purse.
And it wasn't even judgmentallike that.
I'm making it judgmental as ahuman, but it was with love.
But all of that to say is weare all striving for these
things, to collect these things,when, at the end of the day,
once you get those things, youmight be happy for maybe a day,
and then that fades too.
But what doesn't fade arememories and family and friends
(25:01):
and and love and friendship andconnection.
That's what we should bestriving for and we don't, and
I've been guilty of that too.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Yeah, I think for me what the interesting
conversation around, like thematerial things that I feel like
yes, in some ways it's just awatch or it's just a purse, or
it's just a purse or it's just acar.
However, what I have found formyself and this is where we talk
a lot in Elegant Femme aboutexternal beauty and about the
embodiment of the Frenchie thatwhen we do gift ourselves
permission to invest in thingsthat we do desire, there's a
(25:34):
spiritual growth componentassociated with that.
I remember when I bought myfirst selene purse and it was at
a depot, it was at a you like aconsignment store, because
that's what I could afford atthat time.
That was the level ofpermission I was willing to gift
myself, because I had onlyreceived hand-me-downs my whole
life.
Anything brand name was ahand-me-down.
(25:55):
The time that I walked into aselene store store in Paris on
Avenue Montaigne and bought areal Celine purse was a
spiritual moment for me, and itwasn't because it's just about a
purse, it was the permissioninside to allow myself to invest
in something that had thatvalue to me, that had a beauty,
that had an appreciation, thathad a quality.
(26:16):
I get that Watch that danceright, Because then it can
become an addiction.
Exactly that is my value, whichis not what I'm saying at all I
get that.
The appreciation of things canbe a spiritual evolution in the
movement, in the growth, in theconversations that we unlock
inside.
But it is a beautiful dancebecause we tend to again go to
(26:37):
two extremes Either, oh, I can'tallow any of that in my life
because I don't want to becomeoverly materialistic, or I have
to have everything, and that'swho I am.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Yes, you're right, it is a balance.
You're absolutely right.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Because then it becomes fun, because I love
beautiful things, I lovegorgeous purses, we're getting a
gorgeous boat, but it is thatdiscernment of, but that doesn't
it's not who I am, it's whatI'm desiring to experience, but
it's not who I am.
And when it comes to that pointof but now I'm chasing or
hustling or feeling like I needthis money, these things in my
(27:11):
life to make me who I am, thenthat's where we realize, like
okay, something's out of sync.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Yeah, everything in life is such a balance, and I
know you do coaching.
So what do you feel like mostof your clients?
Is there a category that mostwomen these days are dealing
with that you see over time andtime again with your clients?
Speaker 2 (27:32):
I mean, it's really everything we've been talking
about.
There's over-identificationwith the masculine as a form of
value, this idea that women arenow coming into a space where
they can verbally recognize thatit's not serving them, but that
permission of letting go of theaddiction to the hustle, to
(27:53):
these things as a point of valueand to the idea that inside
that's the only way to successthings as a point of value and
to the idea that inside that'sthe only way to success, that's
what every woman inside ofelegant fam that comes is
unraveling to some extent.
And then how do I gift myselfpermission to live into my
beautiful soul, red life, togrow at the pace that I want to?
So the other thing that comesup for a lot of women is if I
continue to grow and evolve, I'mgoing to leave my partner
(28:15):
behind.
So that's another bigconversation that we can do.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
I'm going to leave my partner behind, so that's
another big conversation that wecan do.
Yes, yes, that is.
A lot of my friends are goingthrough that, like they're
evolving and they feel liketheir partner is stagnant.
And how do you, how do you like, merge or even mend that
separation?
Speaker 2 (28:37):
Yeah, it's a really interesting, I think, dynamic
between the masculine and thefeminine, because what it
typically starts at is is thewoman starts to evolve and grow
and she's having these amazingahas and like openings and she
tries to coach her husband.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
Do not do that.
Tell me, because I already knowtwo people in my life that are
going to listen to this and wantto hear If you find a
listener's finding themselves ina situation where they are
ascending and I don't even wantto put that judgment on it just
changing.
They are just changing andbecoming either more spiritual
(29:17):
or more health focused, orwhatever the case may be, and
their partner is staying thesame.
What do they do?
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Okay, I'll say first what not to do, right.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
Do not try to explain to them or tell them what they
should be doing to keep up withyou.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
This is because it only creates more distance.
Being really authentic withourselves.
We actually have a programinside Elegant Femme called
Sensually Authentic.
This is so, so, so important.
We have to get really honestwith ourselves.
Are we in any way havingresentment or holding our
partner hostage, thinking thatwe need to get their permission
(29:56):
or that they have to grow at acertain rate, in a certain way,
in order for us to grow?
We don't realize that we sendout these like energetic hooks,
like you're slowing me down.
What's wrong with like?
We have to get really honestinside.
If we are harboring anyresentment around who they are,
what they are, and projecting onthem, that's the only we don't.
We're not saying that to them.
(30:16):
This is a conversation, aninternal conversation inside.
Then we need to get really,really clear on what we actually
want and know that we are theonly ones that can create it.
In addition, with God, we haveto take full responsibility for
what we want in our lives andlet go of any feeling that
(30:37):
someone else is responsible forour happiness.
When we continue to embody that, when we let go of the idea
that someone needs to keep upwith us, that's when we soar and
that's when that relationship,that person will make a choice.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
Okay, or they're just by just watching you watching
it and you embodying it fully.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
You can't, I can get really annoying Tara.
You can't hold back.
You can't hold back, but it'sgot to be a very clean energy.
It's not again.
We've got to look for theresentment.
We've got to look for theplaces inside where we're
waiting for permission We've gotto look for.
Are places inside we're waitingfor permission We've got to
look for?
Are we holding them hostage inany way?
This really beautifulembodiment of our own truth, our
(31:23):
own power, without holding back, and they will see it.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
Okay, I'm just going to give you an example.
Let's say there's a husband andwife and the wife wants to
become healthier and she startsworking out, she starts losing
weight.
You can see her body transformand every day she comes home
from the gym her husband's onthe lazy boy, eating you know
whatever and overweight and justreally unhealthy.
(31:50):
So how like it must getfrustrating to see every day a
physical like physicallynothing's changing and obviously
mentally nothing's changing andyou're changing.
So you're saying, yeah, don'tsay anything to them.
Obviously he'll see that youare transforming, but like
there's only so much you cantake of you changing and wanting
(32:13):
your husband or your partner,whomever, to follow you on this
path of being healthy andthey're not doing anything.
So like for people who arelistening and this is just an
example but people do itspiritually in other ways, how
do you deal with the frustrationof watching that lazy boy
(32:34):
person not moving?
Speaker 2 (32:36):
Yeah Well, first we need to recognize that it's not
about us, it's not a projectionon us, because we do get really
frustrated as if we're the onesthat are supposed to control
that situation.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
And we're not.
That's where the frustrationcomes in.
The frustration comes in that Ishould be able to fix that.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
Right.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
That is not where our focus needs to go.
Our focus needs to continuallygo to I am honoring myself.
Do we love this person?
We love this person?
We tell them we love them.
Okay, if it's getting to thepoint where there is a clear gap
, you will know.
You will know if you are beingcalled in a different direction
and you are being calledsomewhere else in your life.
(33:14):
What I'm saying is that tryingto change that person in any way
is not where the energy isgoing to be most utilized.
It's only continuing to giftourselves permission to go where
we're being called to go, andthat person will make a choice.
Right, they're either going tojoin and live into the best
version of them.
(33:35):
It's really difficult at timesin any relationship whether it's
in a marriage, a friendship,anything when one person starts
self-actualizing and the otherperson is choosing not to.
It's their choice, they reallyare choosing not to.
And so I hear what you'resaying and, yes, I feel like
every relationship goes throughthis to some extent where, then,
(33:56):
a choice will be made, but thechoice has to come from that
person.
We know this, we know it, weknow it, we know it.
That person is going to say,okay, am I?
Am I going this way?
Am I going that way?
Speaker 1 (34:12):
I just took a deep breath for my friends.
I just took a deep breath formy friends who are going through
this now.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
And again I don't mean to sugarcoat it.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
No, I get it.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
Or like not, you know , honor the level of debt.
It's just that I want to bereally clear in the energy,
because as women we are sotrained to think that we are
supposed to fix situations.
We are ones to help people,that it's our obligation, our
responsibility.
If I was this enough or thatenough, then the person would
see this and they would do that.
If I'm working out and I'mtaking such good care in this
example right Of my body, thenobviously they see and they
(34:48):
appreciate, like why aren't theydoing?
We put our power in the otherperson and in the situation
waiting for that level ofpermission, recognition, and I
know it's not simple at timesbut actually over time we start
to feel the different energy inour body when we're pouring it
into a situation that is notours to fix at all and utilizing
(35:12):
this we don't realize this is alittle maybe like sticky to say
but we don't realize that we'regiving our power away and
actually utilizing it as a wayto stop our own growth.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
We're afraid that if we keep growing, we have the
beautiful soul led life.
Whatever our version of that isthat we're going to lose people
.
So we have a tendency to blamepeople, to hold on to people, to
get frustrated and resentful,thinking that I need them to get
on board and all we're doing issubjugating our own power.
Speaker 1 (35:39):
You're absolutely right, Tara.
Thank you so much.
Time to go.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
Just for anyone listening.
You know I get fired up.
You know I get fired up withthis.
Speaker 1 (35:49):
I love it.
I'm going to link to Tara'samazing podcast and her website
so you can get in touch with herand her Instagram as well.
I love this conversationbecause I think it's so timely.
I feel like all of my friendsand I are talking about the
feminine and what does thatactually mean and what does it
feel like to live in itauthentically.
(36:10):
So I thank you so much for yourconversation and your time
today and again, everybody whowants to get a hold of Tara,
I'll have it right in the shownotes.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
Thank you so much, sabrina.
I love the time, I love theconversation as well, and thank
you for your vulnerability andjust the space to really have
the real conversation.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
Thank you.
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