July 7, 2025 • 31 mins
When was the last time you truly checked in with yourself? In this soul-stirring conversation with Dr. Alfiee Breland-Noble, we explore the hidden dimensions of mental health that affect us all, especially our children who are navigating anxiety at increasingly younger ages.
Dr. Alfiee, a psychologist with nearly 30 years of experience, shares profound insights about how today's children have more language for mental health but face unprecedented challenges. Whether you're raising children, reimagining your career, or simply seeking greater peace, this episode provides both comfort and actionable strategies. Dr. Alfiee's warmth and expertise remind us that redesigning our lives begins with understanding ourselves and extending "patient loving kindness" to our journey.
Listen now and discover how small shifts in perspective might be the key to unlocking a more aligned, authentic life. What would change if you gave yourself permission to pause and truly listen to your needs?
Connect with Dr. Alfiee:
https://dralfiee.com/
Dr. Alfiee on Instagram
https://www.instagram.com/dralfiee?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=aTVnMHZtbHRpOHd0
Connect with Sabrina:
https://www.instagram.com/Sabrina_Soto/
www.SabrinaSoto.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Redesigning Life.
I'm your host, Sabrina Soto,and this is the space where we
have honest conversations aboutpersonal growth, mindset shifts
and creating a life that feelstruly aligned.
In each episode, I'll talk toexperts in their fields who
share their insights to help youstep into your higher self.
Let's redesign your life fromthe inside out.
Dr Alfie, thank you so much forjoining Redesigning Life.
(00:27):
I'm so excited to talk to you.
I have a list of questions Iwant to get to, but before I get
started, because sometimes onthe podcast I get so excited
about guests that I just startasking questions and if you can
be so kind, can you introduceyourself to my listeners, Of
course, so it's nice to be herewith you.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
I'm actually honored that you all thought that I had
something to share and I'm justreally happy to be here.
My name is Dr Alfie BrelandNoble.
Everybody calls me Dr Alfie.
I am a psychologist.
I've been in this field for, atthis point, close to 30 years
it might be a little bit morethan 30.
And I love talking about allthings mental health, all things
related to diverse peoplebecause I really am about
(01:09):
inclusivity.
All of us I feel like all of ushave a space in this mental
health conversation.
I was talking to someone earlierand they were saying and they
were speaking my language Hername's Mina.
I just met her today and shewas saying there are too many.
I don't have enough words forall the stuff I do.
So I do a whole lot of stuff,but I'll say I founded a
nonprofit.
One of the big things thathappened to me this year is I
(01:31):
was named one of Melinda FrenchGates 12 people, a dozen people,
who she calls global leadersand we were each gifted with a
$20 million fund.
Each of us has 20 mil and we'retasked with putting that money
out into the world to do good.
And I have a good friend.
His name is James S and I'llsay this about me and my work,
(01:52):
with all the hats that I wear.
I got this from him, so I wantto credit him.
I think the thing that's mostimportant to me is not about who
I am and what my job is.
One of the most importantthings to me is what is my
purpose on this planet and whatcan I give to the world?
And I feel like for me, what Ican give to the world is my love
, my light, and I talk aboutlove, light and science in the
(02:14):
context of mental health.
So a bunch of hats, a lot ofdifferent things which we'll get
into, but it really is apleasure and a joy to be here
with you today.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
I'm so excited.
Yes, you're a psychologist, anauthor, a scientist.
You're a trailblazer in mentalhealth, wellness and suicide
prevention too, and I know you,in your work, discuss a lot
about the kids not being allright.
And I was saying earlier, Ihave a nine-year-old daughter
and I know that being a girl isone thing, but I remember having
(02:45):
to deal with these mentalissues later on in my life and
now I see it happening to herand her friends at school and I
feel like there's just a trendof this anxiety happening at a
younger and younger age, and I'dlove to hear your thoughts on
it.
If you think it's social media,what do you think is the issue
(03:06):
that's happening right nowthat's causing so much pressure
for these younger kids?
Speaker 2 (03:11):
I think it's a number of things.
One of the things that I reallybelieve it is is the lexicon
and the language around mentalhealth.
Our young people are introducedto it so much earlier I'm Gen X
than we were, and I think ifyou look at zillennials and
older millennials, I thinkearlier than they were
introduced to it too.
So, like Gen Zers and youngmillennials, they are getting
(03:33):
this knowledge and language somuch earlier.
I mean, it's just everywhere.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Because our parents didn't talk about it.
My parents are both from Cuba,so I come from two immigrant
parents.
We did not talk about mentalhealth when I was younger.
I mean, I talk about it with myparents now, but it just wasn't
.
We didn't discuss it.
I don't even think they had thelanguage.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
No, no, they probably didn't.
And I think for those of us whohave those backgrounds, where
we come from, what in thiscountry would be marginalized
communities because clearly theyweren't marginalized in Cuba,
right, because everybody wasCuban, no-transcript, but at
(04:31):
least everybody looks like you.
Like in Cuba everybody hablaespanol.
Mi espanol esta mal.
You know what I mean.
But like there are things thatyou don't have to talk about
with your culture becauseeverybody understands it about
your culture, and then you cometo a new country, nobody gets it
right, and so for a lot ofpeople, I think for immigrant
communities, there's this ideaof trying to hold on to the
(04:52):
culture of origin, but then youhave kids here, or maybe you
immigrate with kids.
As they grow up, they haveanother culture and then that
next generation after them islike a third culture.
So I think there's some of thatthere.
I also think for oldergenerations I always like to
talk about they were too busytrying to survive, right?
(05:13):
Think about what your parentsprobably went through when they
first immigrated and howdifferent that is from your own
experience, and they didn'treally have time to sit and
pontificate and think you knowwhat I mean, like they just
didn't have time.
So one of the best phrases Iever heard was this young
Filipina years ago and she saidwhat her parents said to her
about mental health was that'sfirst world problems.
(05:34):
Oh, think about that.
Wow, that's how manycommunities, particularly
marginalized communities, lookat mental health.
We don't have time for that.
Do you know what I mean?
Like I heard that too as anAfrican-American.
It's like we ain't got time forthat, so there was no space for
them to really do it.
Where we have the luxury andthe benefit and the gift of
actually being able to engage inthese conversations, and so we
(05:55):
give the benefit to our youngerones of having the language and
being able to talk with us astheir parents, about what
they're experiencing, theirfeelings and their emotions,
when we didn't necessarily havethat.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
You're right.
Actually, my daughter the otherday said I don't feel right and
I said explain it to me.
And she walked me through itand I remember as a child I was
sitting on the stairs of ourhouse and I felt like a balloon
was being filled in my chest,but I couldn't necessarily
explain.
As an adult.
Now I understand that's anxiety, so I could tell her that
(06:29):
that's what it is, but I wish Ihad a name for it as a child.
So I guess it's a good thingthat they have the language, but
it's still now.
I mean I know I am getting tothat part of my life that I
sound like my mother, but I justI fear for these kids with this
(06:50):
.
I already remembered beingbullied in junior high, like
with, on top of that, socialmedia as a tool that these kids
can use.
How can we protect our childrenwith everything that's whirling
around in this world?
I love that question.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
I think what I try to tell parents and caregivers is
it starts with us, right.
So we think it's likeimmediately dive in and start
talking to your child, but Ithink we have to have the tools
so, as the adults and caregiversand parents in their lives, the
first thing we have to do isunderstand and identify what is
our level of comfort.
We're talking about ouremotional well-being and our
mental health.
How do we do that?
(07:27):
Do we model?
Because you know, with yournine-year-old, my kids are 18
and 20.
They pay attention to what wedo.
I have this wonderful picture ofmy daughter.
She must have been, she's a20-year-old, she must have been
three, three or four, and herhair standing up all over her
head and she's meditating.
She's like this with one of myjackets on from work, and I love
the picture because she wasimitating me, because I meditate
(07:50):
.
I've been doing it for too longto count 15, 20 years and I
modeled that for her.
But this is what I do, and soif you don't have anybody
modeling it for you, how do youknow what you're supposed to do?
So I think, once we'recomfortable, we can talk with
our young people, we can inquire, we can take the lead and
really encourage them to talkabout their feelings.
(08:12):
We can teach them feeling words.
We can share books with them,you know we can talk about our
own feelings.
We can watch TV shows andmovies together.
Everybody loves Bluey.
They talk about feelings onBluey.
You know what I mean and so Ithink it's some of those things.
And then once we develop thatskill and language and we model
for our young people, it's ourjob to check in with them and to
(08:33):
regularly talk with them abouttheir own emotional well-being
and mental health and reallyencourage them to open up,
encourage them to share,encourage them to remember that
there's nothing they can't cometo us with, that they always
need to know that the door isopen for us to listen and we
should always be the first lineof defense for them.
(08:53):
But we have to be safe.
We have to model safety.
We have to show our youngpeople.
I'm not going to judge you.
I'm going to use these two earsto listen and not this one
mouth to speak.
I'm going to look you in theeye.
I'm going to pay attention.
I'm going to use these two earsto listen and not this one
mouth to speak.
I'm going to look you in theeye, I'm going to pay attention,
I'm going to put my device downand I'm going to focus, and so
those are some of the thingsthat I like to encourage.
And then, the one thing I loveto share, a practical tool that
(09:14):
was taught to me years ago whenyour child comes home from
school or summer camp or daycare, whatever the case may be,
instead of asking your child howwas your day, because you and I
both know what the answer is oh, it was fine, fine, right,
whatever I say, I've heardpeople say Birgit, dr.
Oh, my gosh, I can't think ofher name.
She's at Hunter College and Ilove her.
Dr Miranda, regina Miranda.
(09:35):
She says roses and thorns.
Tell me a rose in your daytoday, tell me a thorn, that to
foster communication, and itjust teaches your child how to
communicate, and that's a lifeskill not just for your family,
(09:58):
that's a life skill forever foryour child.
Think of how many of us who arein any kind of relationship,
whether it's interpersonal, awork relationship, you know, an
intimate relationship wherecommunication is a barrier.
I mean just being able toexpress yourself, and that's
what we're trying to teach ouryoung people is how to express
themselves.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
But then you're saying earlier and this is I'm
being selfish and asking justfor me, but I'm sure somebody
who's listening is going to getsomething out of it I try.
I tell Olivia, you can tell meanything.
You come to me If you tell methe truth, I'm not going to,
you're not going to get introuble, but I and it's fine.
Now she's nine.
But what happens when she's ateenager and she does something?
(10:36):
Hopefully she doesn't, but ifit's something catastrophic that
she needs to get in trouble.
You know, quote unquote, ifyou're not watching this how do
you, as a parent, sort ofbalance that out of making sure
they're not scared to tell yousomething?
But you also have to be aparent?
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Yes, absolutely so.
I think that starts like you toyour point much earlier.
And I think for some parentsI'm not saying it's all parents,
I'm not saying it's allcaregivers I think sometimes we
can fall into the trap of beingour child's best friend.
I think you can, but there's away to do it where you still
maintain the boundaries of therelationship.
(11:18):
So to me it comes down to oneword or two words healthy
boundaries.
So I can be the person you cometo to talk to, I can be the
person you open up to.
I also need to be the personwho sets rules, who sets a
structure, who sets a framework,who sets parameters that you
have to operate within as mychild, and so I think the idea
(11:40):
is getting in trouble.
I'm not going to berate you,I'm not going to yell at you.
You know I'm not going toscream, I'm not going to hit you
.
We have to be comfortable withknowing that there's a healthy
way to parent right.
There are healthy things thatwe can do to show our anger
right.
You can show anger withoutscreaming at somebody.
You can show anger withoutusing abusive language.
(12:03):
So I think it really isreminding our children yes, I'm
here for you.
Yes, I'm gonna listen.
And after I know that you'resafe, let's say you crashed a
car that actually happened, itwas a minor scratch.
As long as I know you're safe,then we can take the time to
deal with consequences.
But the first thing I'm gonnado with you is say to you look,
I'm gonna listen, you explain itto me.
(12:24):
I won't interrupt,no-transcript.
But even in my upset I know howto parent you in a way that
you'll still feel loved, you'llstill feel seen, you'll still
feel heard, but we still got todeal with this thing that you
did.
So I think it is setting thestage appropriately and
remembering those two wordshealthy boundaries.
(12:47):
You got to be a parent.
It's okay to be your child'sBFF, but there's a way to do it
that doesn't undermine yourauthority as a parent or a
caregiver.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Yeah, that's a question I sometimes remember.
I mean, I was kind of scared ofmy parents growing up and I
guess there's like something tobe said about that.
But it's like that fine line ofhaving the respect of your
children but also being theirbest friend and I feel like
we're all trying our best.
I mean, as an expert in thisfield, now that you have grown
(13:17):
kids, what would, looking backat their adolescence like, what
would you have done differentlyif anything?
Speaker 2 (13:24):
I'll be honest, I probably wouldn't have done
anything differently, but I knowthat I was approaching it from
the perspective of I knew allthe things that I loved about
how I was parented as a child,so bringing all that forward.
And then the things that Iloved about how I was parented
as a child.
So bringing all that forwardand then the things that maybe
not so much I didn't like.
I had, you know, over a decadeof training and education in the
field to, like you know, pullthat apart and look at it,
(13:47):
because this is what I do, soI'm a behaviorist, so I think it
was a little different for me.
I think if I had to pick onething, I would do differently.
I don't know that I would havedone anything different.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Well then, my God, bravo yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
I was a great listener, I was strategized with
them.
They knew they could come to me.
But again, I say that in thecontext of this is my field,
this is what I do, so you knowwhat I mean.
Had I been in a different field, there's probably a lot I would
do differently, but this iswhat I study and teach people,
so I just use the same stuff Itell people it's all stuff that
I did myself.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Earlier you were talking about that.
You had a sponsor and I knowyou've talked about this on your
Instagram.
Yeah, the difference between asponsor and a mentor, and when I
was listening to you talk aboutit, it's something clicked
inside of me.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
So can you explain it to the listeners?
The difference between asponsor and a mentor 100%.
So I will give credit wherecredit is due.
I first heard this from a womannamed Carla Hall.
She's like huge in the Fortune100 business.
Yeah, she's like a businessperson, she's great.
That's the first time I heardit, but I put my little own
twist on it.
So a mentor, I would say.
You know a lot of people havementors.
They pat you on the back, theyencourage you, they support you,
they give you advice.
I think the difference betweena mentor and a sponsor is a
(15:03):
sponsor not only does all ofthose things, but they do a lot
more in terms of being active inyour life.
So my analogy is the mentorpats you on the back, tells you
you're doing a good job and saysover, there is a door of
opportunity.
You should go to that door.
A sponsor does all of that.
But then the other thing thatthey do that's so powerful is
(15:24):
they take your hand figuratively, walk you to the door, open the
door, walk you to any table ofopportunity.
Right, they stand by you at thetable, they point to you, they
(15:46):
look at the people who aredecision makers at that table of
opportunity and they say thisis my person, I'm vouching for
them, I need you to give thisperson a chance and I'm going to
hold you accountable until yougive this person a chance.
But it's so much more activeand what I find is that people
who are successful I think theyhave at least one or two
sponsors in their life, becausenone of us can be successful if
the only thing that people dofor us is point us in the right
direction.
You need a little bit more thanthat.
You need support, you needguidance, you need action behind
(16:10):
.
You know those good wishes andpositive thoughts of a mentor.
So that's what I would say.
The difference is.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
And how do you think, especially for younger people
maybe coming out of college notknowing where to start, or even
somebody who might be in their40s or 50s wanting to start over
, how do you recommend people goabout finding a sponsor?
Speaker 2 (16:33):
So I think there are only kind of two ways I can
think of.
The most important way isnetworking.
You have to always be in themode of making new connections
with the people and I will say,even though this is what I do, I
think I put all my energy intodoing this work.
So when it comes to me, mypersonal life, I don't know that
I always have additional energyto like be out there and like
(16:53):
go up to people and talk to them, because I do it all the time
and so you know I recognize that.
But networking is so importantand I think if you can network,
the second part of this is,organically, you will start to
identify, of those mentors inyour life, of those people
you've networked with, you willstart to identify the ones, one
(17:14):
or two who are willing to beactive.
So it's really kind of lookingat the network you have now and
cultivating that sponsorshiprelationship with someone who
seems like they do that forother people.
They might be willing to do itfor you.
So for me, you don't so muchcreate sponsors as you nurture
sponsors, as you find sponsorsamong the people who are already
(17:38):
in your orbit.
So for me, I'll give you aquick example.
There's this one person.
His name is Dr Junius Gonzalez.
It just popped up in my headand when I was an academic
academician I was a professor.
We met through doing someNational Institutes of Health
work.
I won't even get into all of it, but what I found from Junius
is after meetings it happenedmore than once he would stop me
(18:00):
and just check in on me.
So how are you doing, alfie, howis this going?
How's it going at Duke, how'sit going to Georgetown?
And we would have these briefconversations.
But it was the act of himcoming to me and asking me and
checking in on me that sort ofclicked.
I was like, okay, I need tostay in touch with him.
And over time he did a lot ofvery kind things for me.
(18:20):
You know, as a sponsor he wasan active participant in my
growth and development.
So I think it really is kind ofcultivating relationships and
identifying people in yournetwork already who you've seen
be active for other people andmaybe if you ask right and
you're kind of consistent andyou're polite and gentle and
encouraging with that potentialsponsor, they might be willing
(18:43):
to do that same thing for you.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
I love that.
I think that's a good idea.
In my own life, I forgetsometimes to how to.
If somebody asks me, maybe fora recommendation or anyone I
know that does this, sometimes Iforget, and maybe it's the
person right in front of youthat could be your best sponsor.
That's it.
That's exactly right.
You got it.
This show is called RedesigningLife.
I think a lot of people intheir 40s are listening, people
(19:10):
who are trying to maybe restartor they feel a little stuck.
How do you think or what advicedo you give to your clients?
And, by the way, if anybody iswatching this, you'll see what
I'm talking about.
But if you're listening to this, dr Alfie looks like she's 20
years old, so I can't believeyou've been doing this.
I want to know about your skinroutine, but I'll ask you
(19:30):
offline, so you've been doingthis for so long?
What advice do you give topeople?
How do you start redesigningyour mental health if you feel
like you're in a rut?
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Wow, it's such a wonderful question.
I clutch my heart because I'min the midst of redesigning part
of my career as we speak and Ithink the same tools I use for
that I use for my mental health.
I think for me I'm always likename dropping people because
these people have been soimportant in my life.
There was this one Latina wayback.
She was my psychologist.
(20:04):
Her name is Dr Maya McNeely,sister from Southside of Chicago
.
She's so cool and Maya taughtme the idea of being in touch
with myself, like taking thetime.
It sounds.
I don't know, it may sound alittle hokey to people, but it's
so meaningful and I don't thinkwe can redesign until we
understand, like sort of wherewe are now.
(20:26):
So I think the most important,the single most important thing
we can do is cultivateself-awareness and
self-compassion.
We have to start there.
I think if we start there,there are loads of ways to do
that.
Mine was mindfulness,meditation and practicing
mindfulness.
But if you start there, you canidentify for yourself where am
(20:47):
I feeling stuck right?
It's asking yourself those whatseem like hard questions, but
they're not.
We just don't ever slow downenough to give ourselves time to
process these questions.
So, for example, what do I want, what do I like, what do I
dislike?
If I had a million dollars andI had to invest it in myself, my
mental health and or my career,for example, what would I do?
(21:09):
If we answer those kinds ofquestions for ourselves, those
become the guideposts and themilestones that we want to
achieve.
And so I think if we do thatwith our mental health and we do
that with our career, that'swhere we have to start the
process, that's where we canstart the process of redesigning
our lives.
(21:29):
So you can't know what you know,you can't know your path if you
don't know the destination.
And I think what a lot, thinkabout it.
If you just get on a path,where are you going?
You don't know where you'regoing to end up.
But if you have a destinationin mind, now you can kind of
calibrate and use your emotionaland mental GPS to help you move
(21:50):
toward that thing.
So it's grounding yourself,developing that self-awareness
and identifying for yourselfwhere do I want to go with my
mental health?
What's the goal?
Where do I want to go in mycareer?
What's the goal?
And it is always, always,always, extending ourselves
grace.
I love talking about grace,which is patient loving kindness
(22:12):
and, interestingly, my20-year-old got a tattoo that
says patient loving kindness,because we talk about grace.
So much so giving ourselvesgrace.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
That's a better tattoo than like a Tweety bird.
Exactly, I approve that tattoo.
There's two things that came upwhen you just said the last
thing that you, a psychologist,has a psychologist and why I
think that's important is Ithink a lot of us feel like
asking for help is weakness, butI don't feel like we can get to
(22:44):
any of the next level of ourlives ever without a community,
and the community may be a groupof people or just one person,
but we can't do it alone.
So I love that you evenrecognize yourself that you
needed someone objectively tohelp you.
And the second thing isstopping to slow down.
I was on the phone with a friendof mine who's very busy all the
(23:06):
time the other day and she wassaying she went through a lull
of this quiet time in her lifeand she got such anxiety and she
felt depressed.
And now she's really, reallybusy and she feels better.
And I think it's the opposite,though I think what happened was
she had too much time to think,things started to unwind and
she realized maybe she's notwhere she wants to be in her
(23:29):
life, but now she's busy again,she doesn't have to worry about
it, and I feel like a lot of usdo that with work, drinking,
shopping, video games.
You know.
Fill in the blank Is that.
Do you see that in your clientsas well?
Speaker 2 (23:43):
Yes, like literally.
Yes, you like you put yourpsychologist hat on because you
just nailed it.
I think the busyness helps usavoid.
A lot of people use busyness aswhat we call, in psychology,
avoidant coping.
If I avoid it, you know, like Idon't have to deal with it.
And it can be, it doesn't?
(24:03):
We don't have to sit and dothis deep thinking and process
all this stuff at once.
I think we can pick one thingand say I'm just going to work
on this thing.
Like I happen to be an anxiousperson too.
It runs in my family like veryanxious Same.
But I know the thing that Ihave to do to take care of
myself.
I have to exercise, girl, everyday, and the exercise is not
like to be physically fit.
That's a good, I don't knowbyproduct, but the main thing is
(24:25):
I got to get this anxiety offof me because I'll just be heck
on wheels.
You know what I'm saying.
If I don't spin this stuff down, it's just going to wind me up.
So you're right, like younailed it, I think busyness
sometimes helps us avoid and wedon't want to do that.
We want to give ourselves anopportunity to process because
guess what?
Not talking about your friend.
(24:45):
I'm talking about all theseother folks out here who do the
same thing.
When you wind down the nexttime, guess what?
All that stuff going to comeback, and then it's going to be
some more stuff because youdidn't process the stuff from
the last time, so it's going tobe there until we work on it.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
I was many years ago.
I did the.
I was in a relationship thatwasn't the best relationship and
I did, and during that time Idid a sober, curious journey and
after about, I want to say,month five of not drinking, I
started feeling I thought I wasgoing crazy, but what I realized
was I had been numbing allthose feelings of being unhappy
(25:22):
for so long and I never dealtwith it that it just came
crashing down and I realized,like for me, just like I do have
to move, just like you, but Ialso have to stop, even if it's
five minutes of meditation, Idon't care if it's in the car, I
don't care if it's in thegrocery store, just wherever.
(25:42):
I have to stop and close myeyes for a minute or a few
minutes to ask myself how am Ifeeling, what's going on?
And then I let my I don't knowif it's my subconscious or
spirit guides, whatever youbelieve in, but I have to listen
to myself.
Do you have any mindfulness,like meditations or practices
that you do daily other thanworking out?
(26:03):
Yes, girl, one of my.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
I have three or four apps that I love.
Yeah, tell us all of them.
Yes, I love it.
I love it.
Thank you for the invitation.
One of them is called InsightTimer.
Love, insight Timer, love,insight Timer.
Isn't it that bad?
I have to find you on it.
I have to find you on it.
I'm on there.
I'll tell you one of the thingsI love.
My favorite thing is to openthe app and see the map of the
world with all the dots on it,and you can.
(26:26):
The dots represent all theother people who are on the
Insight Timer app also doingsomething.
And I like to think here's thisbeautiful community of people
all over the world and we're alldoing the same thing, right?
And so I started thinking aboutoh, we're making the world
better, we're sending up goodvibes.
You know what I mean.
We're like all here vibingtogether.
So Insight Timer's one, myother favorite.
(26:48):
They reached out to me yearsago, I think it was right before
, right during the pandemic.
It's called BreatheB-R-E-E-T-H-E.
I'm writing that down LoveBreathe, it's fantastic and I'll
tell you this cool thing thatthis new cool thing they have on
the Breathe app is you cancurate your own meditation with
AI.
They have three voices, one'sBritish, one's a man and there's
another one that's anotherwoman and you put in, like your
(27:11):
meditation or your mantra, andit creates this whole meditation
5, 10 or 15 minutes around whatyou created, which I love,
because sometimes it's hard forme to and then my brain just
starts going all over the placeto find something that I really
like.
But if I create it myself,right?
So that's another.
There used to be one calledStop Breathing, but they don't
(27:32):
do that one anymore.
To be one called Stop Breathing, but they don't do that one
anymore.
My other real biggie is calledNature Space.
Nature Space is literally justsounds in nature the beach, the
forest, the mountains.
Do you know what I mean?
Like a stream.
I don't know about a stream.
That just makes me want to go tothe bathroom, but that's
another one that I use, and Ijust like to listen to the music
(27:54):
.
Not music listen to the nature.
I'm a beach, I'm a Pisces, so Ilove the water.
Just listen to beaches.
Yes, and it's just the benefitis.
Here's the trick your mind isfocused on the sound, or the
meditation you know what I meanor the silence, and because
you're focusing actively, itdoesn't give your brain space to
(28:16):
do all that.
Like monkey, mind jump upbecause you're focusing, and so
that's the benefit for me, andthose are some of the apps that
I love, and I'm like you, andcan I just appreciate you for a
moment for saying teachingpeople that meditation is not
just sitting on the floor.
All the lights are off in yourown.
Meditation can be, ormindfulness as well.
(28:38):
You're at the grocery store,you're walking, you're running
do you know what I mean?
Like you're cooking.
As long as your brain isfocused on something, it leaves
less room for you to let yourmind jump all over the place and
worry.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
Even just a shower.
Sometimes to me it's where youdon't have a phone, don't have
another distraction, just beingin your own thoughts.
It could everyone.
I mean everyone takes a showerevery day.
I mean everybody should take ashower.
But I mean you have at leastthose five minutes to yourself,
even if it's just that you don'thave to sit on a meditation
pillow with burning incense andwith Palo Santo.
(29:14):
You don't have to do all that.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
That's it.
You know what I mean.
You got it, and can I just ask,like I have to ask this because
I feel like I'm alone?
If your answer is no, I don'tdo that, I'm totally fine, I
won't be embarrassed.
One of the most enjoyablethings of my life when my kids
were little was going to thegrocery store by myself.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
I love it.
It's one of my favorite thingsto do, isn't it the best For me?
Well, so I am a single mom, andso I have taken Olivia with me
to the grocery store a lot, andnow, when she's with her dad,
it's the first thing I do.
I just go to the grocery store.
I could look in the back ofeverything and read I don't have
(29:52):
to rush, I could just look atcheeses.
You know right, I could eat thecheese out for as long as I
feel like Girl, yes, I will walkin the grocery store.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
I can vividly remember and just you know what
I mean.
Just like walk.
And then I think the otherthing for me is everything that
you said and there's a sense ofaccomplishment.
I got my grocery list checkedand it was like one tiny little
thing in the day of a mom with ayoung person, like a little one
.
It's the best.
So thank you for validating me.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
I appreciate that, yes, you are not alone.
That's what I'm doing.
After you and I finish, there'sa new grocery Sprouts just
opened up down the street.
You would have thought it'slike a rock star was there on
the first day it opened.
Oh yeah, a rock star was thereon the first day it opened.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
Oh yeah, I get it, I get it I love it.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
Thank you so much for joining me.
I will, for anyone listening.
I will have Dr Alfie'sinformation in the notes so you
can get in touch with her andfollow her on Instagram.
It was such a pleasure to talkto you today.
I got so much out of it Foreveryone listening.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
I hope you got as much out of it as I did.
I thank you for your time, ofcourse, thank you for the
invitation and just thank youfor your lovely spirit and best
wishes to your little baby Iknow she's a beautiful little
princess and best wishes to you.
Thank you so much, thank you.
Welcome to Redesigning Life.
I'm your host, Sabrina Soto,and this is the space where we
have honest conversations aboutpersonal growth, mindset shifts
and creating a life that feelstruly aligned.
In each episode, I'll talk toexperts in their fields who
share their insights to help youstep into your higher self.
Let's redesign your life fromthe inside out.
Dr Alfie, thank you so much forjoining Redesigning Life.
(00:27):
I'm so excited to talk to you.
I have a list of questions Iwant to get to, but before I get
started, because sometimes onthe podcast I get so excited
about guests that I just startasking questions and if you can
be so kind, can you introduceyourself to my listeners, Of
course, so it's nice to be herewith you.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
I'm actually honored that you all thought that I had
something to share and I'm justreally happy to be here.
My name is Dr Alfie BrelandNoble.
Everybody calls me Dr Alfie.
I am a psychologist.
I've been in this field for, atthis point, close to 30 years
it might be a little bit morethan 30.
And I love talking about allthings mental health, all things
related to diverse peoplebecause I really am about
(01:09):
inclusivity.
All of us I feel like all of ushave a space in this mental
health conversation.
I was talking to someone earlierand they were saying and they
were speaking my language Hername's Mina.
I just met her today and shewas saying there are too many.
I don't have enough words forall the stuff I do.
So I do a whole lot of stuff,but I'll say I founded a
nonprofit.
One of the big things thathappened to me this year is I
(01:31):
was named one of Melinda FrenchGates 12 people, a dozen people,
who she calls global leadersand we were each gifted with a
$20 million fund.
Each of us has 20 mil and we'retasked with putting that money
out into the world to do good.
And I have a good friend.
His name is James S and I'llsay this about me and my work,
(01:52):
with all the hats that I wear.
I got this from him, so I wantto credit him.
I think the thing that's mostimportant to me is not about who
I am and what my job is.
One of the most importantthings to me is what is my
purpose on this planet and whatcan I give to the world?
And I feel like for me, what Ican give to the world is my love
, my light, and I talk aboutlove, light and science in the
(02:14):
context of mental health.
So a bunch of hats, a lot ofdifferent things which we'll get
into, but it really is apleasure and a joy to be here
with you today.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
I'm so excited.
Yes, you're a psychologist, anauthor, a scientist.
You're a trailblazer in mentalhealth, wellness and suicide
prevention too, and I know you,in your work, discuss a lot
about the kids not being allright.
And I was saying earlier, Ihave a nine-year-old daughter
and I know that being a girl isone thing, but I remember having
(02:45):
to deal with these mentalissues later on in my life and
now I see it happening to herand her friends at school and I
feel like there's just a trendof this anxiety happening at a
younger and younger age, and I'dlove to hear your thoughts on
it.
If you think it's social media,what do you think is the issue
(03:06):
that's happening right nowthat's causing so much pressure
for these younger kids?
Speaker 2 (03:11):
I think it's a number of things.
One of the things that I reallybelieve it is is the lexicon
and the language around mentalhealth.
Our young people are introducedto it so much earlier I'm Gen X
than we were, and I think ifyou look at zillennials and
older millennials, I thinkearlier than they were
introduced to it too.
So, like Gen Zers and youngmillennials, they are getting
(03:33):
this knowledge and language somuch earlier.
I mean, it's just everywhere.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Because our parents didn't talk about it.
My parents are both from Cuba,so I come from two immigrant
parents.
We did not talk about mentalhealth when I was younger.
I mean, I talk about it with myparents now, but it just wasn't
.
We didn't discuss it.
I don't even think they had thelanguage.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
No, no, they probably didn't.
And I think for those of us whohave those backgrounds, where
we come from, what in thiscountry would be marginalized
communities because clearly theyweren't marginalized in Cuba,
right, because everybody wasCuban, no-transcript, but at
(04:31):
least everybody looks like you.
Like in Cuba everybody hablaespanol.
Mi espanol esta mal.
You know what I mean.
But like there are things thatyou don't have to talk about
with your culture becauseeverybody understands it about
your culture, and then you cometo a new country, nobody gets it
right, and so for a lot ofpeople, I think for immigrant
communities, there's this ideaof trying to hold on to the
(04:52):
culture of origin, but then youhave kids here, or maybe you
immigrate with kids.
As they grow up, they haveanother culture and then that
next generation after them islike a third culture.
So I think there's some of thatthere.
I also think for oldergenerations I always like to
talk about they were too busytrying to survive, right?
(05:13):
Think about what your parentsprobably went through when they
first immigrated and howdifferent that is from your own
experience, and they didn'treally have time to sit and
pontificate and think you knowwhat I mean, like they just
didn't have time.
So one of the best phrases Iever heard was this young
Filipina years ago and she saidwhat her parents said to her
about mental health was that'sfirst world problems.
(05:34):
Oh, think about that.
Wow, that's how manycommunities, particularly
marginalized communities, lookat mental health.
We don't have time for that.
Do you know what I mean?
Like I heard that too as anAfrican-American.
It's like we ain't got time forthat, so there was no space for
them to really do it.
Where we have the luxury andthe benefit and the gift of
actually being able to engage inthese conversations, and so we
(05:55):
give the benefit to our youngerones of having the language and
being able to talk with us astheir parents, about what
they're experiencing, theirfeelings and their emotions,
when we didn't necessarily havethat.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
You're right.
Actually, my daughter the otherday said I don't feel right and
I said explain it to me.
And she walked me through itand I remember as a child I was
sitting on the stairs of ourhouse and I felt like a balloon
was being filled in my chest,but I couldn't necessarily
explain.
As an adult.
Now I understand that's anxiety, so I could tell her that
(06:29):
that's what it is, but I wish Ihad a name for it as a child.
So I guess it's a good thingthat they have the language, but
it's still now.
I mean I know I am getting tothat part of my life that I
sound like my mother, but I justI fear for these kids with this
(06:50):
.
I already remembered beingbullied in junior high, like
with, on top of that, socialmedia as a tool that these kids
can use.
How can we protect our childrenwith everything that's whirling
around in this world?
I love that question.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
I think what I try to tell parents and caregivers is
it starts with us, right.
So we think it's likeimmediately dive in and start
talking to your child, but Ithink we have to have the tools
so, as the adults and caregiversand parents in their lives, the
first thing we have to do isunderstand and identify what is
our level of comfort.
We're talking about ouremotional well-being and our
mental health.
How do we do that?
(07:27):
Do we model?
Because you know, with yournine-year-old, my kids are 18
and 20.
They pay attention to what wedo.
I have this wonderful picture ofmy daughter.
She must have been, she's a20-year-old, she must have been
three, three or four, and herhair standing up all over her
head and she's meditating.
She's like this with one of myjackets on from work, and I love
the picture because she wasimitating me, because I meditate
(07:50):
.
I've been doing it for too longto count 15, 20 years and I
modeled that for her.
But this is what I do, and soif you don't have anybody
modeling it for you, how do youknow what you're supposed to do?
So I think, once we'recomfortable, we can talk with
our young people, we can inquire, we can take the lead and
really encourage them to talkabout their feelings.
(08:12):
We can teach them feeling words.
We can share books with them,you know we can talk about our
own feelings.
We can watch TV shows andmovies together.
Everybody loves Bluey.
They talk about feelings onBluey.
You know what I mean and so Ithink it's some of those things.
And then once we develop thatskill and language and we model
for our young people, it's ourjob to check in with them and to
(08:33):
regularly talk with them abouttheir own emotional well-being
and mental health and reallyencourage them to open up,
encourage them to share,encourage them to remember that
there's nothing they can't cometo us with, that they always
need to know that the door isopen for us to listen and we
should always be the first lineof defense for them.
(08:53):
But we have to be safe.
We have to model safety.
We have to show our youngpeople.
I'm not going to judge you.
I'm going to use these two earsto listen and not this one
mouth to speak.
I'm going to look you in theeye.
I'm going to pay attention.
I'm going to use these two earsto listen and not this one
mouth to speak.
I'm going to look you in theeye, I'm going to pay attention,
I'm going to put my device downand I'm going to focus, and so
those are some of the thingsthat I like to encourage.
And then, the one thing I loveto share, a practical tool that
(09:14):
was taught to me years ago whenyour child comes home from
school or summer camp or daycare, whatever the case may be,
instead of asking your child howwas your day, because you and I
both know what the answer is oh, it was fine, fine, right,
whatever I say, I've heardpeople say Birgit, dr.
Oh, my gosh, I can't think ofher name.
She's at Hunter College and Ilove her.
Dr Miranda, regina Miranda.
(09:35):
She says roses and thorns.
Tell me a rose in your daytoday, tell me a thorn, that to
foster communication, and itjust teaches your child how to
communicate, and that's a lifeskill not just for your family,
(09:58):
that's a life skill forever foryour child.
Think of how many of us who arein any kind of relationship,
whether it's interpersonal, awork relationship, you know, an
intimate relationship wherecommunication is a barrier.
I mean just being able toexpress yourself, and that's
what we're trying to teach ouryoung people is how to express
themselves.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
But then you're saying earlier and this is I'm
being selfish and asking justfor me, but I'm sure somebody
who's listening is going to getsomething out of it I try.
I tell Olivia, you can tell meanything.
You come to me If you tell methe truth, I'm not going to,
you're not going to get introuble, but I and it's fine.
Now she's nine.
But what happens when she's ateenager and she does something?
(10:36):
Hopefully she doesn't, but ifit's something catastrophic that
she needs to get in trouble.
You know, quote unquote, ifyou're not watching this how do
you, as a parent, sort ofbalance that out of making sure
they're not scared to tell yousomething?
But you also have to be aparent?
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Yes, absolutely so.
I think that starts like you toyour point much earlier.
And I think for some parentsI'm not saying it's all parents,
I'm not saying it's allcaregivers I think sometimes we
can fall into the trap of beingour child's best friend.
I think you can, but there's away to do it where you still
maintain the boundaries of therelationship.
(11:18):
So to me it comes down to oneword or two words healthy
boundaries.
So I can be the person you cometo to talk to, I can be the
person you open up to.
I also need to be the personwho sets rules, who sets a
structure, who sets a framework,who sets parameters that you
have to operate within as mychild, and so I think the idea
(11:40):
is getting in trouble.
I'm not going to berate you,I'm not going to yell at you.
You know I'm not going toscream, I'm not going to hit you
.
We have to be comfortable withknowing that there's a healthy
way to parent right.
There are healthy things thatwe can do to show our anger
right.
You can show anger withoutscreaming at somebody.
You can show anger withoutusing abusive language.
(12:03):
So I think it really isreminding our children yes, I'm
here for you.
Yes, I'm gonna listen.
And after I know that you'resafe, let's say you crashed a
car that actually happened, itwas a minor scratch.
As long as I know you're safe,then we can take the time to
deal with consequences.
But the first thing I'm gonnado with you is say to you look,
I'm gonna listen, you explain itto me.
(12:24):
I won't interrupt,no-transcript.
But even in my upset I know howto parent you in a way that
you'll still feel loved, you'llstill feel seen, you'll still
feel heard, but we still got todeal with this thing that you
did.
So I think it is setting thestage appropriately and
remembering those two wordshealthy boundaries.
(12:47):
You got to be a parent.
It's okay to be your child'sBFF, but there's a way to do it
that doesn't undermine yourauthority as a parent or a
caregiver.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Yeah, that's a question I sometimes remember.
I mean, I was kind of scared ofmy parents growing up and I
guess there's like something tobe said about that.
But it's like that fine line ofhaving the respect of your
children but also being theirbest friend and I feel like
we're all trying our best.
I mean, as an expert in thisfield, now that you have grown
(13:17):
kids, what would, looking backat their adolescence like, what
would you have done differentlyif anything?
Speaker 2 (13:24):
I'll be honest, I probably wouldn't have done
anything differently, but I knowthat I was approaching it from
the perspective of I knew allthe things that I loved about
how I was parented as a child,so bringing all that forward.
And then the things that Iloved about how I was parented
as a child.
So bringing all that forwardand then the things that maybe
not so much I didn't like.
I had, you know, over a decadeof training and education in the
field to, like you know, pullthat apart and look at it,
(13:47):
because this is what I do, soI'm a behaviorist, so I think it
was a little different for me.
I think if I had to pick onething, I would do differently.
I don't know that I would havedone anything different.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Well then, my God, bravo yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
I was a great listener, I was strategized with
them.
They knew they could come to me.
But again, I say that in thecontext of this is my field,
this is what I do, so you knowwhat I mean.
Had I been in a different field, there's probably a lot I would
do differently, but this iswhat I study and teach people,
so I just use the same stuff Itell people it's all stuff that
I did myself.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Earlier you were talking about that.
You had a sponsor and I knowyou've talked about this on your
Instagram.
Yeah, the difference between asponsor and a mentor, and when I
was listening to you talk aboutit, it's something clicked
inside of me.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
So can you explain it to the listeners?
The difference between asponsor and a mentor 100%.
So I will give credit wherecredit is due.
I first heard this from a womannamed Carla Hall.
She's like huge in the Fortune100 business.
Yeah, she's like a businessperson, she's great.
That's the first time I heardit, but I put my little own
twist on it.
So a mentor, I would say.
You know a lot of people havementors.
They pat you on the back, theyencourage you, they support you,
they give you advice.
I think the difference betweena mentor and a sponsor is a
(15:03):
sponsor not only does all ofthose things, but they do a lot
more in terms of being active inyour life.
So my analogy is the mentorpats you on the back, tells you
you're doing a good job and saysover, there is a door of
opportunity.
You should go to that door.
A sponsor does all of that.
But then the other thing thatthey do that's so powerful is
(15:24):
they take your hand figuratively, walk you to the door, open the
door, walk you to any table ofopportunity.
Right, they stand by you at thetable, they point to you, they
(15:46):
look at the people who aredecision makers at that table of
opportunity and they say thisis my person, I'm vouching for
them, I need you to give thisperson a chance and I'm going to
hold you accountable until yougive this person a chance.
But it's so much more activeand what I find is that people
who are successful I think theyhave at least one or two
sponsors in their life, becausenone of us can be successful if
the only thing that people dofor us is point us in the right
direction.
You need a little bit more thanthat.
You need support, you needguidance, you need action behind
(16:10):
.
You know those good wishes andpositive thoughts of a mentor.
So that's what I would say.
The difference is.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
And how do you think, especially for younger people
maybe coming out of college notknowing where to start, or even
somebody who might be in their40s or 50s wanting to start over
, how do you recommend people goabout finding a sponsor?
Speaker 2 (16:33):
So I think there are only kind of two ways I can
think of.
The most important way isnetworking.
You have to always be in themode of making new connections
with the people and I will say,even though this is what I do, I
think I put all my energy intodoing this work.
So when it comes to me, mypersonal life, I don't know that
I always have additional energyto like be out there and like
(16:53):
go up to people and talk to them, because I do it all the time
and so you know I recognize that.
But networking is so importantand I think if you can network,
the second part of this is,organically, you will start to
identify, of those mentors inyour life, of those people
you've networked with, you willstart to identify the ones, one
(17:14):
or two who are willing to beactive.
So it's really kind of lookingat the network you have now and
cultivating that sponsorshiprelationship with someone who
seems like they do that forother people.
They might be willing to do itfor you.
So for me, you don't so muchcreate sponsors as you nurture
sponsors, as you find sponsorsamong the people who are already
(17:38):
in your orbit.
So for me, I'll give you aquick example.
There's this one person.
His name is Dr Junius Gonzalez.
It just popped up in my headand when I was an academic
academician I was a professor.
We met through doing someNational Institutes of Health
work.
I won't even get into all of it, but what I found from Junius
is after meetings it happenedmore than once he would stop me
(18:00):
and just check in on me.
So how are you doing, alfie, howis this going?
How's it going at Duke, how'sit going to Georgetown?
And we would have these briefconversations.
But it was the act of himcoming to me and asking me and
checking in on me that sort ofclicked.
I was like, okay, I need tostay in touch with him.
And over time he did a lot ofvery kind things for me.
(18:20):
You know, as a sponsor he wasan active participant in my
growth and development.
So I think it really is kind ofcultivating relationships and
identifying people in yournetwork already who you've seen
be active for other people andmaybe if you ask right and
you're kind of consistent andyou're polite and gentle and
encouraging with that potentialsponsor, they might be willing
(18:43):
to do that same thing for you.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
I love that.
I think that's a good idea.
In my own life, I forgetsometimes to how to.
If somebody asks me, maybe fora recommendation or anyone I
know that does this, sometimes Iforget, and maybe it's the
person right in front of youthat could be your best sponsor.
That's it.
That's exactly right.
You got it.
This show is called RedesigningLife.
I think a lot of people intheir 40s are listening, people
(19:10):
who are trying to maybe restartor they feel a little stuck.
How do you think or what advicedo you give to your clients?
And, by the way, if anybody iswatching this, you'll see what
I'm talking about.
But if you're listening to this, dr Alfie looks like she's 20
years old, so I can't believeyou've been doing this.
I want to know about your skinroutine, but I'll ask you
(19:30):
offline, so you've been doingthis for so long?
What advice do you give topeople?
How do you start redesigningyour mental health if you feel
like you're in a rut?
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Wow, it's such a wonderful question.
I clutch my heart because I'min the midst of redesigning part
of my career as we speak and Ithink the same tools I use for
that I use for my mental health.
I think for me I'm always likename dropping people because
these people have been soimportant in my life.
There was this one Latina wayback.
She was my psychologist.
(20:04):
Her name is Dr Maya McNeely,sister from Southside of Chicago
.
She's so cool and Maya taughtme the idea of being in touch
with myself, like taking thetime.
It sounds.
I don't know, it may sound alittle hokey to people, but it's
so meaningful and I don't thinkwe can redesign until we
understand, like sort of wherewe are now.
(20:26):
So I think the most important,the single most important thing
we can do is cultivateself-awareness and
self-compassion.
We have to start there.
I think if we start there,there are loads of ways to do
that.
Mine was mindfulness,meditation and practicing
mindfulness.
But if you start there, you canidentify for yourself where am
(20:47):
I feeling stuck right?
It's asking yourself those whatseem like hard questions, but
they're not.
We just don't ever slow downenough to give ourselves time to
process these questions.
So, for example, what do I want, what do I like, what do I
dislike?
If I had a million dollars andI had to invest it in myself, my
mental health and or my career,for example, what would I do?
(21:09):
If we answer those kinds ofquestions for ourselves, those
become the guideposts and themilestones that we want to
achieve.
And so I think if we do thatwith our mental health and we do
that with our career, that'swhere we have to start the
process, that's where we canstart the process of redesigning
our lives.
(21:29):
So you can't know what you know,you can't know your path if you
don't know the destination.
And I think what a lot, thinkabout it.
If you just get on a path,where are you going?
You don't know where you'regoing to end up.
But if you have a destinationin mind, now you can kind of
calibrate and use your emotionaland mental GPS to help you move
(21:50):
toward that thing.
So it's grounding yourself,developing that self-awareness
and identifying for yourselfwhere do I want to go with my
mental health?
What's the goal?
Where do I want to go in mycareer?
What's the goal?
And it is always, always,always, extending ourselves
grace.
I love talking about grace,which is patient loving kindness
(22:12):
and, interestingly, my20-year-old got a tattoo that
says patient loving kindness,because we talk about grace.
So much so giving ourselvesgrace.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
That's a better tattoo than like a Tweety bird.
Exactly, I approve that tattoo.
There's two things that came upwhen you just said the last
thing that you, a psychologist,has a psychologist and why I
think that's important is Ithink a lot of us feel like
asking for help is weakness, butI don't feel like we can get to
(22:44):
any of the next level of ourlives ever without a community,
and the community may be a groupof people or just one person,
but we can't do it alone.
So I love that you evenrecognize yourself that you
needed someone objectively tohelp you.
And the second thing isstopping to slow down.
I was on the phone with a friendof mine who's very busy all the
(23:06):
time the other day and she wassaying she went through a lull
of this quiet time in her lifeand she got such anxiety and she
felt depressed.
And now she's really, reallybusy and she feels better.
And I think it's the opposite,though I think what happened was
she had too much time to think,things started to unwind and
she realized maybe she's notwhere she wants to be in her
(23:29):
life, but now she's busy again,she doesn't have to worry about
it, and I feel like a lot of usdo that with work, drinking,
shopping, video games.
You know.
Fill in the blank Is that.
Do you see that in your clientsas well?
Speaker 2 (23:43):
Yes, like literally.
Yes, you like you put yourpsychologist hat on because you
just nailed it.
I think the busyness helps usavoid.
A lot of people use busyness aswhat we call, in psychology,
avoidant coping.
If I avoid it, you know, like Idon't have to deal with it.
And it can be, it doesn't?
(24:03):
We don't have to sit and dothis deep thinking and process
all this stuff at once.
I think we can pick one thingand say I'm just going to work
on this thing.
Like I happen to be an anxiousperson too.
It runs in my family like veryanxious Same.
But I know the thing that Ihave to do to take care of
myself.
I have to exercise, girl, everyday, and the exercise is not
like to be physically fit.
That's a good, I don't knowbyproduct, but the main thing is
(24:25):
I got to get this anxiety offof me because I'll just be heck
on wheels.
You know what I'm saying.
If I don't spin this stuff down, it's just going to wind me up.
So you're right, like younailed it, I think busyness
sometimes helps us avoid and wedon't want to do that.
We want to give ourselves anopportunity to process because
guess what?
Not talking about your friend.
(24:45):
I'm talking about all theseother folks out here who do the
same thing.
When you wind down the nexttime, guess what?
All that stuff going to comeback, and then it's going to be
some more stuff because youdidn't process the stuff from
the last time, so it's going tobe there until we work on it.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
I was many years ago.
I did the.
I was in a relationship thatwasn't the best relationship and
I did, and during that time Idid a sober, curious journey and
after about, I want to say,month five of not drinking, I
started feeling I thought I wasgoing crazy, but what I realized
was I had been numbing allthose feelings of being unhappy
(25:22):
for so long and I never dealtwith it that it just came
crashing down and I realized,like for me, just like I do have
to move, just like you, but Ialso have to stop, even if it's
five minutes of meditation, Idon't care if it's in the car, I
don't care if it's in thegrocery store, just wherever.
(25:42):
I have to stop and close myeyes for a minute or a few
minutes to ask myself how am Ifeeling, what's going on?
And then I let my I don't knowif it's my subconscious or
spirit guides, whatever youbelieve in, but I have to listen
to myself.
Do you have any mindfulness,like meditations or practices
that you do daily other thanworking out?
(26:03):
Yes, girl, one of my.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
I have three or four apps that I love.
Yeah, tell us all of them.
Yes, I love it.
I love it.
Thank you for the invitation.
One of them is called InsightTimer.
Love, insight Timer, love,insight Timer.
Isn't it that bad?
I have to find you on it.
I have to find you on it.
I'm on there.
I'll tell you one of the thingsI love.
My favorite thing is to openthe app and see the map of the
world with all the dots on it,and you can.
(26:26):
The dots represent all theother people who are on the
Insight Timer app also doingsomething.
And I like to think here's thisbeautiful community of people
all over the world and we're alldoing the same thing, right?
And so I started thinking aboutoh, we're making the world
better, we're sending up goodvibes.
You know what I mean.
We're like all here vibingtogether.
So Insight Timer's one, myother favorite.
(26:48):
They reached out to me yearsago, I think it was right before
, right during the pandemic.
It's called BreatheB-R-E-E-T-H-E.
I'm writing that down LoveBreathe, it's fantastic and I'll
tell you this cool thing thatthis new cool thing they have on
the Breathe app is you cancurate your own meditation with
AI.
They have three voices, one'sBritish, one's a man and there's
another one that's anotherwoman and you put in, like your
(27:11):
meditation or your mantra, andit creates this whole meditation
5, 10 or 15 minutes around whatyou created, which I love,
because sometimes it's hard forme to and then my brain just
starts going all over the placeto find something that I really
like.
But if I create it myself,right?
So that's another.
There used to be one calledStop Breathing, but they don't
(27:32):
do that one anymore.
To be one called Stop Breathing, but they don't do that one
anymore.
My other real biggie is calledNature Space.
Nature Space is literally justsounds in nature the beach, the
forest, the mountains.
Do you know what I mean?
Like a stream.
I don't know about a stream.
That just makes me want to go tothe bathroom, but that's
another one that I use, and Ijust like to listen to the music
(27:54):
.
Not music listen to the nature.
I'm a beach, I'm a Pisces, so Ilove the water.
Just listen to beaches.
Yes, and it's just the benefitis.
Here's the trick your mind isfocused on the sound, or the
meditation you know what I meanor the silence, and because
you're focusing actively, itdoesn't give your brain space to
(28:16):
do all that.
Like monkey, mind jump upbecause you're focusing, and so
that's the benefit for me, andthose are some of the apps that
I love, and I'm like you, andcan I just appreciate you for a
moment for saying teachingpeople that meditation is not
just sitting on the floor.
All the lights are off in yourown.
Meditation can be, ormindfulness as well.
(28:38):
You're at the grocery store,you're walking, you're running
do you know what I mean?
Like you're cooking.
As long as your brain isfocused on something, it leaves
less room for you to let yourmind jump all over the place and
worry.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
Even just a shower.
Sometimes to me it's where youdon't have a phone, don't have
another distraction, just beingin your own thoughts.
It could everyone.
I mean everyone takes a showerevery day.
I mean everybody should take ashower.
But I mean you have at leastthose five minutes to yourself,
even if it's just that you don'thave to sit on a meditation
pillow with burning incense andwith Palo Santo.
(29:14):
You don't have to do all that.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
That's it.
You know what I mean.
You got it, and can I just ask,like I have to ask this because
I feel like I'm alone?
If your answer is no, I don'tdo that, I'm totally fine, I
won't be embarrassed.
One of the most enjoyablethings of my life when my kids
were little was going to thegrocery store by myself.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
I love it.
It's one of my favorite thingsto do, isn't it the best For me?
Well, so I am a single mom, andso I have taken Olivia with me
to the grocery store a lot, andnow, when she's with her dad,
it's the first thing I do.
I just go to the grocery store.
I could look in the back ofeverything and read I don't have
(29:52):
to rush, I could just look atcheeses.
You know right, I could eat thecheese out for as long as I
feel like Girl, yes, I will walkin the grocery store.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
I can vividly remember and just you know what
I mean.
Just like walk.
And then I think the otherthing for me is everything that
you said and there's a sense ofaccomplishment.
I got my grocery list checkedand it was like one tiny little
thing in the day of a mom with ayoung person, like a little one
.
It's the best.
So thank you for validating me.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
I appreciate that, yes, you are not alone.
That's what I'm doing.
After you and I finish, there'sa new grocery Sprouts just
opened up down the street.
You would have thought it'slike a rock star was there on
the first day it opened.
Oh yeah, a rock star was thereon the first day it opened.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
Oh yeah, I get it, I get it I love it.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
Thank you so much for joining me.
I will, for anyone listening.
I will have Dr Alfie'sinformation in the notes so you
can get in touch with her andfollow her on Instagram.
It was such a pleasure to talkto you today.
I got so much out of it Foreveryone listening.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
I hope you got as much out of it as I did.
I thank you for your time, ofcourse, thank you for the
invitation and just thank youfor your lovely spirit and best
wishes to your little baby Iknow she's a beautiful little
princess and best wishes to you.
Thank you so much, thank you.
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