April 21, 2025 • 20 mins
Money—the last standing taboo in our society and the number one cause of divorce—takes center stage in this candid conversation between Sabrina Soto and Pattie Ehsaei, the "Duchess of Decorum" on TikTok. Raw, unedited, and refreshingly honest, this discussion dives deep into why financial independence remains non-negotiable for creating balanced power dynamics in relationships.
The conversation tackles Pattie's viral advice to "never date a broke dude"—clarifying that it's less about someone's bank balance and more about matching "hustle for hustle." Financial compatibility means aligning ambition, responsibility, and mindset rather than dollar amounts. They discuss practical strategies for maintaining financial independence, tactical advice for improving credit scores, and five crucial questions everyone should ask before marriage.
Ready to break the money taboo in your own life? Listen now and join the conversation about how financial transparency can transform both your relationship with money and your relationships with others.
To watch the segment with Pattie Ehsaei and Sabrina, The Sabrina Soto Show:
https://www.sabrinasoto.com/the-sabrina-soto-show/
Connect with Sabrina on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/sabrina_soto
Connect with Pattie Ehsaei here:
https://www.pattieehsaei.com/
Pattie Ehsaei on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/duchessofdecorum
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to a special edition of Redesigning Life.
Many of you know I have a newshow called the Sabrina Soto
Show Out and I was able toinvite amazing experts in their
fields just to come in and havea great conversation.
But because it's a show, wehave to edit it down.
Now, these conversations, theywere so good that I wanted to
(00:20):
publish the raw, uneditedversion, and that's what this
episode is.
You're going to hear action andyou may hear a crew in the
background, but I wanted topublish this so you can really
listen to the entire chat.
So here you go, All right andset, and action.
(00:43):
Hi Hi Patti, I'm so thrilledyou're here.
Thank you for coming over.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Thank you, I'm so excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
I hope you're hungry?
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Yes, I am Absolutely.
What is this Caviar?
Speaker 1 (00:53):
I call it.
It's black bean salsa.
Yum, how are you?
I'm great.
How are you?
I'm fantastic, you guys?
Patty Asai, otherwise known asthe Duchess of Decorum, on
TikTok yes, if you follow her,you know what she's all about.
Why I'm excited about thisconversation is because it's
something that most people don'ttalk about.
(01:13):
It's a taboo, no-no subject,and it's money.
Yes, and even some of myfriends don't like to talk to me
about money, but my sister andI always talk about our finances
because we help each other, weguide each other if somebody
finds a good investment, but itis like this sort of thing that
makes people reallyuncomfortable.
(01:34):
But it's the most importantthing in our lives.
I mean, people get divorcedover money.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Yes, that's the top reason that people get divorced
actually is over finances,because we don't talk about it.
Yeah, we go into a marriageknowing everything we need to
know about the other person,except for their finances.
I mean, after the question areyou single?
What do your finances look like?
Is the most important question,and we don't ask it because
it's like taboo for some reason.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
I feel like it's strange that we don't ever talk
about it, because money isimportant, as well as family and
community and our health.
But we need to have goodfinancial hygiene to live a life
, a good life, a well-roundedlife.
And it's not about the amountof money that you have, but
being responsible, I think, iswhat is important, and I know
(02:21):
that a lot of people break upbecause of money.
You were saying that it's onething that we don't talk about
before we get married.
Funny enough, I get made fun ofwhen I was dating.
I would ask, on the first,second, maybe third date,
people's credit scores, becauseit says a lot about someone.
But so tell me a little bitabout your background.
I mean, you are very successful.
(02:41):
You're a vice president ofmergers and acquisitions.
I mean you are very successful.
You're a vice president ofmergers and acquisitions.
What led you from going tobeing successful on your own to
being more vocal and posting onTikTok about this sort of
controversial topic?
Speaker 2 (02:52):
You know I come from Iran.
I was born in Iran and we movedhere when I was seven and when
I lived in Iran my mother worked.
She had a great career.
So did my dad.
So I saw the power dynamicswere very balanced.
And when we moved to the US Ididn't speak a word of English,
I was dyslexic, I had ADHD.
But one thing I noticed.
(03:13):
So I was really struggling as akid and I noticed that my
mother was struggling becausethe financial independence that
she had in Iran she no longerhad here because she couldn't
work due to the language barrier.
So she became dependent on yourdad yes, she became dependent
on my dad and slowly I saw thepower dynamic shifting to where
she just had less and lesscontrol over her life and what
(03:37):
she wanted to do.
And you know, my dad willalways control the money and she
would take me to the room everytime that they would argue.
She would say do you see how mylife is now, when I don't have
any money?
Don't ever be this way.
I don't care how much moneyyour husband makes.
You should always make andcontrol your own money.
And that's what I've just beenlike.
(03:58):
That's been in my head thisentire time, and that's what's
driven me.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Okay and I agree.
So in my background we werepretty well off and then my
parents went through a horrible,horrible financial setback and
I saw my mom completely fallapart and when they broke up, my
mom was a stay-at-home mom mywhole life.
So she had no career, she hadno money, and I remember being
so young and it was embeddedinto my mind and my soul that
(04:27):
that was never going to be me,so it drove me to be ultra
independent I think sometimestoo independent, yes, but we'll
get to that too.
But I think that it isimportant.
But I think, what about womenwho do like a more traditional
setup?
How can they take control ofbeing independent when they are
(04:48):
a stay-at-home mom?
Speaker 2 (04:50):
I think that's a really good question to ask.
And if you're a stay-at-homemom, you still have options of
making your own money.
I think that every singleperson even if you're deciding
to stay home, you should somehowmake your own money and have
your own separate bank accountthat only you control.
So if you're a stay-at-home mom, great.
There's so many things now wecan do on the Internet.
You can literally have a sidehustle on the Internet, working
(05:13):
a couple of hours a day andstill make something for
yourself, just so you have moneyto make decisions about your
own life and I thinkstay-at-home moms risk that.
To make decisions about yourown life, and I think
stay-at-home moms risk that.
If you don't have money thatyou can control, you're really
putting your life in somebodyelse's hands and you don't have
decision-making power andcontrol over your own destiny.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
And maybe it's not even.
It's also just being aware ofbeing educated on financial
hygiene.
I think, from what you know alot of my friends that have gone
through breakups.
They say they don't even knowwhere their bank, what bank they
you know a lot of my friendsthat have gone through breakups.
They say they don't even knowwhere their bank, what bank they
, you know have their money in.
They don't know passwords, theydon't know where any of the
information is, and I think evenjust educating yourself on what
(05:54):
you have is important.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Absolutely.
There are so many women whosehusbands not just in divorces
but pass away, that have no ideaabout anything because we've
been told that he's better atmoney than we are.
So let us just give him all themoney and all the control and
let him deal with it.
Well, what if something happens?
We don't have a plan B and, bythe way, that's completely false
.
Women are better investors thanmen.
(06:17):
That's been provenstatistically.
Why do you think that isBecause we don't think we know
everything.
Men are huge risk takersbecause they're overly confident
in their investing and studiesshow that when women invest,
we're really thoughtful, wereally think through things, and
part of a good investmentstrategy is to keep your
investments and not trade allthe time.
(06:38):
And women keep it for the longrun and men, they're overly
confident, they think they knowit all, so they keep trading and
their investments don't performas well as women's.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Yeah, I mean I'm very conservative when it comes to
finances because I think mybackground, I mean I think I've
been a saver since I was a kid.
I do remember in high schoolsome you know how we always in
high school had somebody wouldcome in and do a speech.
There was a lady talking abouthow her whole credit got ruined
because of a $2 medical billthat she didn't know kept
(07:07):
getting sent and it went tocollections and I remember her
saying that it ruined it and soI was always on top of my
finances.
But I think what you saidearlier is like there's this
power dynamic when it comes tomoney, and I think this is
probably, would you say, it'strue for even stay-at-home dads,
or dads who are just men whostay at home.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Absolutely.
Stay-at-home men have the samegripes as stay-at-home women.
It's just because money ispower.
That's just the bottom line.
It's true, it is true, it'strue, but we never like to say
that.
Yep, no one says it.
Money is power because we livein a society where you need
money to survive.
Without money, you can'tsurvive Period, yeah Right.
(07:50):
So that is why money has theultimate power, and he who
controls the gold makes therules.
That's an old adage and that istrue whether you're a woman,
whether you're a man, whoeveryou are.
If someone is making money,they have control, and more say
so over what happens.
Why do you think that?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
people get uncomfortable when they talk
about money.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Because they think that, especially women, that
we're being gold diggers if weask right, oh my God, you just
care about my money.
No, I want to know howfinancially secure you are and
your financial wellbeing.
It's not about I need you tosupport me, but I need you to be
able to support you and supporta certain lifestyle that we
both want.
(08:30):
That's right so it's such ataboo because women think, oh,
I'm being a gold digger if I ask.
I ask all the time On firstdates.
I ask what is your credit score?
This guy once told me that hiscredit score was 580.
I was like that's an F.
No, we're not.
We're not.
This is it.
You know we're done.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
But I think it's not about the judgment, right?
No, I think there's amisconception there.
It's not about the judgment,it's about, I feel it shows a
level of responsibility,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
So when someone's credit score is low, what that
tells you is they've made latepayments, they may be have a
foreclosure or bankruptcy andalso their credit worthiness
Right, because the creditors aregiving you credit on your word
that you're going to pay it back, and if you're not going to pay
it back, you're not going goodon your word.
So what does that mean?
That may translate also intothe relationship.
(09:16):
And without a good credit score, you can't even rent an
apartment, get a car loan, youcan't have a house because the
interest rates are too high.
You won't be able to afford it.
So it really hinders yourability to live the lifestyle
that you want to live.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
There's a book that I absolutely love called the Four
Agreements.
I don't know if you've heard itMe too.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Yes, I love that book , I love it.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
So one of the four agreements is being a person of
your word.
Yes, and I do think there is aconnection between being a
person of your word andfinancial hygiene, because if
you say that you're going toborrow money and pay it back,
you are a person of your wordthat you keep those promises.
Yes, right, so there is aspiritual aspect to this.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Now you went viral for something kind of
controversial and pushed a lotof buttons.
You know what I'm talking about, absolutely.
You said never date a broke.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Dude, yes, never date a broke dude, so please tell me
about that.
So I dated a broke dude, soplease tell me about that.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
So I dated a broke dude.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Yeah, I dated a broke dude and it really cost me
financially.
Before I dated him I was prettyfinancially secure and after
two years of dating him I was$30,000 in debt and it was
because he was in the industrytrying to make it and he
wouldn't work and he slowly hewas living with his parents.
First of all, a person 26living with your parents, I mean
(10:33):
, come on, no judgment.
I mean you should, at 26, youshould really have your own
place.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Well, I mean, but what if you're in medical school
?
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Well, okay, so if you're in medical school there
are exceptions.
There's exceptions, right, Imean, there's always exceptions.
He wasn't in medical school,and so he slowly started to move
into my apartment and I waswilling to pay for everything
because I was so desperate to beloved.
You know, I felt like if Iasked him to do something, he
may not love me, he may leave.
(11:01):
So I footed the bill for thefood, for the rent he never once
offered to pay for anything,anything.
And we lived like that for twoyears and eventually it just got
to a point where I lost respectfor him and he was losing
respect for me too.
You know, it was Because youwere enabling him.
I was enabling him.
I wasn't demanding anythingfrom this guy, I was allowing
(11:22):
him to just be a schlep on mysofa eating Cheetos while I went
out and busted my butt.
And I think what really camedown to it was one day I came
home and I had like four bags ofgroceries.
Like six o'clock I'd worked allday and he was sitting on the
sofa eating Cheetos watching theLaker game and I'm like, really
, is this what I want out of mylife?
(11:42):
Is this dude?
And a lot of women make thatmistake.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
But you said that it was because you were craving the
love and the partnership.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
I didn't feel worthy.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
So what changed?
Speaker 2 (11:58):
My breaking point was again that second that I saw
him and I realized that hisambition and his drive just
didn't match mine.
That's why I lost respect.
It's really not about making asmuch money as someone.
You don't have to match medollar for dollar, you just have
to match me hustle for hustle.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Yes, okay, so I want to make that clear because I
think a lot of people watchingthis will say this is so
judgmental, it's so superficial,it's shallow.
You know, usually financialconversations are.
But it's not because, again tobe clear, it's not about you
have to match me dollar fordollar.
It's about having ambition andhaving responsibility.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
It's mindset, mindset .
You don't want to have a brokemindset, there you go.
That's what it is.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Okay, I just want to make that clear.
Not dating a broke dude doesn'tnecessarily mean what's in his
wallet.
It's about having motivationand having ambition.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Yes, equal to yours, right.
Right, because you know we'veseen one rotten apple spoils the
entire crate and eventuallythat is going to rub off on you,
right?
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Yeah, I know you.
I know you also have the fivequestions everyone should ask
before they get married.
Yes, I wish.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
I had asked these questions before I even started
dating, and this is in my bookNever Date a Broke Dude.
It's coming out later this year.
So let's start with the firstquestion.
The first question is what areyour long-term financial goals?
And what you want to learn fromthis question is if your
financial goals align.
So if you have a goal to buy ahome and he wants to live in an
(13:29):
apartment with three dogs andtwo kids and travel all the time
, that's going to be a problem.
What does your budget look likeIf you're a saver and he's a
spender, or vice versa?
You're going to have hugeissues and the way that you
overcome that is really tryingto compromise on things that are
not going to totally betray you.
Like, for example, if you aretraveling and you want to stay
(13:50):
at the Four Seasons and he wantsto stay at Motel 6, maybe you
stay at the Hyatt, right, thosecompromises help, but I've also
found if you have jointfinancial goals, that helps you
align things.
So if you both want to buy ahouse and you're going to save
for a house, you automaticallyare going to align a lot more in
the way that you spend or theway you save.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
That's right, yeah, okay, so what?
Okay, those are two.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
No, that's one.
Oh, that's just one.
Okay, one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, two.
So number two is what is yourdebt to income ratio?
Do you know what that is?
I do.
I used to be a mortgage, so youknow, okay.
So, for those that don't know,your debt to income ratio is
your total debt payments dividedby what you bring home gross at
the end of the month, and thatshouldn't be above.
(14:34):
Do you know?
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Well, back when I was , I think it was 30, right or 40
.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Okay, there we go 43% .
If it's above 43%, creditorsare not going to extend you
credit and that means you're onthe verge of bankruptcy because
you're not able to make endsmeet.
How?
Speaker 1 (14:49):
I, I just feel like a lot of people these days
because I feel like things areso expensive are not at that
level.
I mean, they're, they're doingtheir best, but they're not at
that level.
And so what advice would yougive if they're calculating
right now at home and they're at60, 70%, yeah, almost living.
(15:09):
Paycheck to paycheck, yes, youhave to get a side hustle.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
A side hustle, yes, and you have to budget.
Budgeting is, first andforemost, you have to spend less
than you make.
That's the bottom line.
So you have to budget A butalso pay down that debt, because
your debt to income ratio isall about how much debt you have
.
Get a side hustle temporarilyuntil you can pay off that debt.
You don't have to do it forever.
I worked three jobs while Iwent to law school full time.
I had two waitressing jobs andI had worked at a law firm, no
(15:40):
kidding.
And then, when I became aprosecutor, I also I thought you
said no, a prosecutor, I was alawyer.
I also worked as a waitress atnight, right Over the weekends,
just to make ends meet, becauseI was only making thirty
thousand dollars a year.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
But yeah, I think a lot of people think, once they
get into an entry level job,they might be done just with
that job.
Think, once they get into anentry-level job, they might be
done just with that job.
But it takes almost stackingsituations in order to get
yourself out of debt.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
And there's no shame in that game.
People used to laugh at me.
They'd be like you're a lawyer,you're waiting tables and I'm
like, yes, but this is what Ineed to do in order to be
financially responsible.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Yeah, people call me a hustler and I consider it a
compliment.
Absolutely Okay.
So what's number three?
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Okay.
So number three we talked aboutthis a little bit.
Is your credit score Reallyimportant to find out the other
person's credit score?
If your credit score is notwhere it needs to be, you can
pull your credit score.
You get one free one everysingle year.
See if there's any issues inthe credit score report.
That to the agencies pay ontime.
Set up auto pay so you can justpay on time.
(16:39):
A lot of times people justforget.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Right.
They just literally just forgetto do that.
Pay down your debt, like wetalked about.
Don't close credit cards.
This is something people do.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Yes, Right, I remember when I was doing
mortgages people would qualifyfor a house, Then in that 30
days they would open up othercredit cards, close credit cards
and then it completely screwedtheir score Completely.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Because when you close your credit card, your
credit utilization ratioincreases, and what this is is
that the amount of creditextended to you what percentages
of that are you using?
So, when you're closing creditcards, you are getting less
credit extended to you, whichmeans your utilization goes up
Right, and if it's above 30%,you're in trouble.
(17:27):
So you don't want that.
And, lastly, if you findsomeone that will be able to
help you maybe your parents, ifyou have bad credit, if you're
an authorized user on theircredit cards then your credit
score will automaticallyincrease very quickly.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
I want to explain this to everyone.
So let's say I have a creditcard for 10 years and I've
always been on time.
If I add an authorized userlike my parents or my sister,
automatically her name on mycredit card makes it look to the
credit report the creditbureaus that she's had that
credit card for that long, so itwill automatically help her
(17:58):
credit.
But I would only do that to addan authorized user if you add
it, but never give the personthe credit card.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Yes, that's what it is Never give the credit card to
the person and you don't,because that person's already
proven that they're not goodwith credit, right, right.
They've already proven that toyou, or else they wouldn't need
you to be authorized signer.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
I feel like that's such a good tip.
Yeah, that is such a good tip,right, so tell people where they
can find your book.
When is it coming out?
Speaker 2 (18:23):
It's coming out May 6th and you can find it on
Amazon, all book retailers Freeorders yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
And just to also reiterate, like this isn't just
not to date, this is not justdon't date a broke dude, it's
don't date a broke person.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Yes, you know, I get a lot of these broke dudes in my
comments saying, well, you know, we shouldn't date broke women
either.
I'm like, yeah, you should notdate broke women, absolutely
that.
Yeah, you shouldn't.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Yeah, it's.
It's again, it's aboutmotivation, because I do believe
that in partnerships, sometimessomebody is going to be wanting
to get another degree andthere's an ebb and flow and
there are going to be times thatyou have to financially help
somebody during.
You know, a temporary situationRight, but as long as you are
all on the same page and youhave the same goals moving
(19:14):
forward, then that's wherethat's the important thing.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Absolutely.
It's all about mindset, and youjust want someone that has the
same hustle, mindset andambition as you do.
That's really the bottom line.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
I could talk about money all day long.
Me too.
I wish it wasn't.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
I wish it wasn't such a taboo subject.
I know, I know and we reallyneed to make it non-taboo and
start talking about it and beingopen and honest and being naked
financially.
I say Be naked financially infront of the other person.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
I love that, and I think the inspiration here is we
both came from nothing, right?
Absolutely, we're self-made,yes, and so that's why I like to
talk about it, because I feellike if I could build this
beautiful life for my daughterand I, if I could do it, anybody
can do it.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
Absolutely.
I look around my house I'm likeI can't believe that I'm here,
but then I think, yeah, you can,because you bust your butt
getting here right.
So again, if I can do it Ididn't have any language skills,
I have dyslexia.
Like I said, I had ADHD.
If I can get through it, so cananybody else.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
I mean, I still clip coupons Me too.
No shame in that game.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
I still shop at Zara, are you kidding?
What's wrong from?
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Zara.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
Zara, zara and that this is cause yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
Thank you, patty, so much for having this
conversation with me, and ifyou're listening at home, this
is your invitation to starttalking to your friends about
your money and your savings andwhat your goals are.
I feel like we're all in thistogether and the more vulnerable
we are, the more we're going tohelp each other.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
Absolutely.
Thank you for having me.
All right, let's eat.
All right, perfect.
Welcome to a special edition of Redesigning Life.
Many of you know I have a newshow called the Sabrina Soto
Show Out and I was able toinvite amazing experts in their
fields just to come in and havea great conversation.
But because it's a show, wehave to edit it down.
Now, these conversations, theywere so good that I wanted to
(00:20):
publish the raw, uneditedversion, and that's what this
episode is.
You're going to hear action andyou may hear a crew in the
background, but I wanted topublish this so you can really
listen to the entire chat.
So here you go, All right andset, and action.
(00:43):
Hi Hi Patti, I'm so thrilledyou're here.
Thank you for coming over.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Thank you, I'm so excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
I hope you're hungry?
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Yes, I am Absolutely.
What is this Caviar?
Speaker 1 (00:53):
I call it.
It's black bean salsa.
Yum, how are you?
I'm great.
How are you?
I'm fantastic, you guys?
Patty Asai, otherwise known asthe Duchess of Decorum, on
TikTok yes, if you follow her,you know what she's all about.
Why I'm excited about thisconversation is because it's
something that most people don'ttalk about.
(01:13):
It's a taboo, no-no subject,and it's money.
Yes, and even some of myfriends don't like to talk to me
about money, but my sister andI always talk about our finances
because we help each other, weguide each other if somebody
finds a good investment, but itis like this sort of thing that
makes people reallyuncomfortable.
(01:34):
But it's the most importantthing in our lives.
I mean, people get divorcedover money.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Yes, that's the top reason that people get divorced
actually is over finances,because we don't talk about it.
Yeah, we go into a marriageknowing everything we need to
know about the other person,except for their finances.
I mean, after the question areyou single?
What do your finances look like?
Is the most important question,and we don't ask it because
it's like taboo for some reason.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
I feel like it's strange that we don't ever talk
about it, because money isimportant, as well as family and
community and our health.
But we need to have goodfinancial hygiene to live a life
, a good life, a well-roundedlife.
And it's not about the amountof money that you have, but
being responsible, I think, iswhat is important, and I know
(02:21):
that a lot of people break upbecause of money.
You were saying that it's onething that we don't talk about
before we get married.
Funny enough, I get made fun ofwhen I was dating.
I would ask, on the first,second, maybe third date,
people's credit scores, becauseit says a lot about someone.
But so tell me a little bitabout your background.
I mean, you are very successful.
(02:41):
You're a vice president ofmergers and acquisitions.
I mean you are very successful.
You're a vice president ofmergers and acquisitions.
What led you from going tobeing successful on your own to
being more vocal and posting onTikTok about this sort of
controversial topic?
Speaker 2 (02:52):
You know I come from Iran.
I was born in Iran and we movedhere when I was seven and when
I lived in Iran my mother worked.
She had a great career.
So did my dad.
So I saw the power dynamicswere very balanced.
And when we moved to the US Ididn't speak a word of English,
I was dyslexic, I had ADHD.
But one thing I noticed.
(03:13):
So I was really struggling as akid and I noticed that my
mother was struggling becausethe financial independence that
she had in Iran she no longerhad here because she couldn't
work due to the language barrier.
So she became dependent on yourdad yes, she became dependent
on my dad and slowly I saw thepower dynamic shifting to where
she just had less and lesscontrol over her life and what
(03:37):
she wanted to do.
And you know, my dad willalways control the money and she
would take me to the room everytime that they would argue.
She would say do you see how mylife is now, when I don't have
any money?
Don't ever be this way.
I don't care how much moneyyour husband makes.
You should always make andcontrol your own money.
And that's what I've just beenlike.
(03:58):
That's been in my head thisentire time, and that's what's
driven me.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Okay and I agree.
So in my background we werepretty well off and then my
parents went through a horrible,horrible financial setback and
I saw my mom completely fallapart and when they broke up, my
mom was a stay-at-home mom mywhole life.
So she had no career, she hadno money, and I remember being
so young and it was embeddedinto my mind and my soul that
(04:27):
that was never going to be me,so it drove me to be ultra
independent I think sometimestoo independent, yes, but we'll
get to that too.
But I think that it isimportant.
But I think, what about womenwho do like a more traditional
setup?
How can they take control ofbeing independent when they are
(04:48):
a stay-at-home mom?
Speaker 2 (04:50):
I think that's a really good question to ask.
And if you're a stay-at-homemom, you still have options of
making your own money.
I think that every singleperson even if you're deciding
to stay home, you should somehowmake your own money and have
your own separate bank accountthat only you control.
So if you're a stay-at-home mom, great.
There's so many things now wecan do on the Internet.
You can literally have a sidehustle on the Internet, working
(05:13):
a couple of hours a day andstill make something for
yourself, just so you have moneyto make decisions about your
own life and I thinkstay-at-home moms risk that.
To make decisions about yourown life, and I think
stay-at-home moms risk that.
If you don't have money thatyou can control, you're really
putting your life in somebodyelse's hands and you don't have
decision-making power andcontrol over your own destiny.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
And maybe it's not even.
It's also just being aware ofbeing educated on financial
hygiene.
I think, from what you know alot of my friends that have gone
through breakups.
They say they don't even knowwhere their bank, what bank they
you know a lot of my friendsthat have gone through breakups.
They say they don't even knowwhere their bank, what bank they
, you know have their money in.
They don't know passwords, theydon't know where any of the
information is, and I think evenjust educating yourself on what
(05:54):
you have is important.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Absolutely.
There are so many women whosehusbands not just in divorces
but pass away, that have no ideaabout anything because we've
been told that he's better atmoney than we are.
So let us just give him all themoney and all the control and
let him deal with it.
Well, what if something happens?
We don't have a plan B and, bythe way, that's completely false
.
Women are better investors thanmen.
(06:17):
That's been provenstatistically.
Why do you think that isBecause we don't think we know
everything.
Men are huge risk takersbecause they're overly confident
in their investing and studiesshow that when women invest,
we're really thoughtful, wereally think through things, and
part of a good investmentstrategy is to keep your
investments and not trade allthe time.
(06:38):
And women keep it for the longrun and men, they're overly
confident, they think they knowit all, so they keep trading and
their investments don't performas well as women's.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Yeah, I mean I'm very conservative when it comes to
finances because I think mybackground, I mean I think I've
been a saver since I was a kid.
I do remember in high schoolsome you know how we always in
high school had somebody wouldcome in and do a speech.
There was a lady talking abouthow her whole credit got ruined
because of a $2 medical billthat she didn't know kept
(07:07):
getting sent and it went tocollections and I remember her
saying that it ruined it and soI was always on top of my
finances.
But I think what you saidearlier is like there's this
power dynamic when it comes tomoney, and I think this is
probably, would you say, it'strue for even stay-at-home dads,
or dads who are just men whostay at home.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Absolutely.
Stay-at-home men have the samegripes as stay-at-home women.
It's just because money ispower.
That's just the bottom line.
It's true, it is true, it'strue, but we never like to say
that.
Yep, no one says it.
Money is power because we livein a society where you need
money to survive.
Without money, you can'tsurvive Period, yeah Right.
(07:50):
So that is why money has theultimate power, and he who
controls the gold makes therules.
That's an old adage and that istrue whether you're a woman,
whether you're a man, whoeveryou are.
If someone is making money,they have control, and more say
so over what happens.
Why do you think that?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
people get uncomfortable when they talk
about money.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Because they think that, especially women, that
we're being gold diggers if weask right, oh my God, you just
care about my money.
No, I want to know howfinancially secure you are and
your financial wellbeing.
It's not about I need you tosupport me, but I need you to be
able to support you and supporta certain lifestyle that we
both want.
(08:30):
That's right so it's such ataboo because women think, oh,
I'm being a gold digger if I ask.
I ask all the time On firstdates.
I ask what is your credit score?
This guy once told me that hiscredit score was 580.
I was like that's an F.
No, we're not.
We're not.
This is it.
You know we're done.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
But I think it's not about the judgment, right?
No, I think there's amisconception there.
It's not about the judgment,it's about, I feel it shows a
level of responsibility,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
So when someone's credit score is low, what that
tells you is they've made latepayments, they may be have a
foreclosure or bankruptcy andalso their credit worthiness
Right, because the creditors aregiving you credit on your word
that you're going to pay it back, and if you're not going to pay
it back, you're not going goodon your word.
So what does that mean?
That may translate also intothe relationship.
(09:16):
And without a good credit score, you can't even rent an
apartment, get a car loan, youcan't have a house because the
interest rates are too high.
You won't be able to afford it.
So it really hinders yourability to live the lifestyle
that you want to live.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
There's a book that I absolutely love called the Four
Agreements.
I don't know if you've heard itMe too.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Yes, I love that book , I love it.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
So one of the four agreements is being a person of
your word.
Yes, and I do think there is aconnection between being a
person of your word andfinancial hygiene, because if
you say that you're going toborrow money and pay it back,
you are a person of your wordthat you keep those promises.
Yes, right, so there is aspiritual aspect to this.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Now you went viral for something kind of
controversial and pushed a lotof buttons.
You know what I'm talking about, absolutely.
You said never date a broke.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Dude, yes, never date a broke dude, so please tell me
about that.
So I dated a broke dude, soplease tell me about that.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
So I dated a broke dude.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Yeah, I dated a broke dude and it really cost me
financially.
Before I dated him I was prettyfinancially secure and after
two years of dating him I was$30,000 in debt and it was
because he was in the industrytrying to make it and he
wouldn't work and he slowly hewas living with his parents.
First of all, a person 26living with your parents, I mean
(10:33):
, come on, no judgment.
I mean you should, at 26, youshould really have your own
place.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Well, I mean, but what if you're in medical school
?
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Well, okay, so if you're in medical school there
are exceptions.
There's exceptions, right, Imean, there's always exceptions.
He wasn't in medical school,and so he slowly started to move
into my apartment and I waswilling to pay for everything
because I was so desperate to beloved.
You know, I felt like if Iasked him to do something, he
may not love me, he may leave.
(11:01):
So I footed the bill for thefood, for the rent he never once
offered to pay for anything,anything.
And we lived like that for twoyears and eventually it just got
to a point where I lost respectfor him and he was losing
respect for me too.
You know, it was Because youwere enabling him.
I was enabling him.
I wasn't demanding anythingfrom this guy, I was allowing
(11:22):
him to just be a schlep on mysofa eating Cheetos while I went
out and busted my butt.
And I think what really camedown to it was one day I came
home and I had like four bags ofgroceries.
Like six o'clock I'd worked allday and he was sitting on the
sofa eating Cheetos watching theLaker game and I'm like, really
, is this what I want out of mylife?
(11:42):
Is this dude?
And a lot of women make thatmistake.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
But you said that it was because you were craving the
love and the partnership.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
I didn't feel worthy.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
So what changed?
Speaker 2 (11:58):
My breaking point was again that second that I saw
him and I realized that hisambition and his drive just
didn't match mine.
That's why I lost respect.
It's really not about making asmuch money as someone.
You don't have to match medollar for dollar, you just have
to match me hustle for hustle.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Yes, okay, so I want to make that clear because I
think a lot of people watchingthis will say this is so
judgmental, it's so superficial,it's shallow.
You know, usually financialconversations are.
But it's not because, again tobe clear, it's not about you
have to match me dollar fordollar.
It's about having ambition andhaving responsibility.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
It's mindset, mindset .
You don't want to have a brokemindset, there you go.
That's what it is.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Okay, I just want to make that clear.
Not dating a broke dude doesn'tnecessarily mean what's in his
wallet.
It's about having motivationand having ambition.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Yes, equal to yours, right.
Right, because you know we'veseen one rotten apple spoils the
entire crate and eventuallythat is going to rub off on you,
right?
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Yeah, I know you.
I know you also have the fivequestions everyone should ask
before they get married.
Yes, I wish.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
I had asked these questions before I even started
dating, and this is in my bookNever Date a Broke Dude.
It's coming out later this year.
So let's start with the firstquestion.
The first question is what areyour long-term financial goals?
And what you want to learn fromthis question is if your
financial goals align.
So if you have a goal to buy ahome and he wants to live in an
(13:29):
apartment with three dogs andtwo kids and travel all the time
, that's going to be a problem.
What does your budget look likeIf you're a saver and he's a
spender, or vice versa?
You're going to have hugeissues and the way that you
overcome that is really tryingto compromise on things that are
not going to totally betray you.
Like, for example, if you aretraveling and you want to stay
(13:50):
at the Four Seasons and he wantsto stay at Motel 6, maybe you
stay at the Hyatt, right, thosecompromises help, but I've also
found if you have jointfinancial goals, that helps you
align things.
So if you both want to buy ahouse and you're going to save
for a house, you automaticallyare going to align a lot more in
the way that you spend or theway you save.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
That's right, yeah, okay, so what?
Okay, those are two.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
No, that's one.
Oh, that's just one.
Okay, one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, two.
So number two is what is yourdebt to income ratio?
Do you know what that is?
I do.
I used to be a mortgage, so youknow, okay.
So, for those that don't know,your debt to income ratio is
your total debt payments dividedby what you bring home gross at
the end of the month, and thatshouldn't be above.
(14:34):
Do you know?
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Well, back when I was , I think it was 30, right or 40
.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Okay, there we go 43% .
If it's above 43%, creditorsare not going to extend you
credit and that means you're onthe verge of bankruptcy because
you're not able to make endsmeet.
How?
Speaker 1 (14:49):
I, I just feel like a lot of people these days
because I feel like things areso expensive are not at that
level.
I mean, they're, they're doingtheir best, but they're not at
that level.
And so what advice would yougive if they're calculating
right now at home and they're at60, 70%, yeah, almost living.
(15:09):
Paycheck to paycheck, yes, youhave to get a side hustle.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
A side hustle, yes, and you have to budget.
Budgeting is, first andforemost, you have to spend less
than you make.
That's the bottom line.
So you have to budget A butalso pay down that debt, because
your debt to income ratio isall about how much debt you have
.
Get a side hustle temporarilyuntil you can pay off that debt.
You don't have to do it forever.
I worked three jobs while Iwent to law school full time.
I had two waitressing jobs andI had worked at a law firm, no
(15:40):
kidding.
And then, when I became aprosecutor, I also I thought you
said no, a prosecutor, I was alawyer.
I also worked as a waitress atnight, right Over the weekends,
just to make ends meet, becauseI was only making thirty
thousand dollars a year.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
But yeah, I think a lot of people think, once they
get into an entry level job,they might be done just with
that job.
Think, once they get into anentry-level job, they might be
done just with that job.
But it takes almost stackingsituations in order to get
yourself out of debt.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
And there's no shame in that game.
People used to laugh at me.
They'd be like you're a lawyer,you're waiting tables and I'm
like, yes, but this is what Ineed to do in order to be
financially responsible.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Yeah, people call me a hustler and I consider it a
compliment.
Absolutely Okay.
So what's number three?
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Okay.
So number three we talked aboutthis a little bit.
Is your credit score Reallyimportant to find out the other
person's credit score?
If your credit score is notwhere it needs to be, you can
pull your credit score.
You get one free one everysingle year.
See if there's any issues inthe credit score report.
That to the agencies pay ontime.
Set up auto pay so you can justpay on time.
(16:39):
A lot of times people justforget.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Right.
They just literally just forgetto do that.
Pay down your debt, like wetalked about.
Don't close credit cards.
This is something people do.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Yes, Right, I remember when I was doing
mortgages people would qualifyfor a house, Then in that 30
days they would open up othercredit cards, close credit cards
and then it completely screwedtheir score Completely.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Because when you close your credit card, your
credit utilization ratioincreases, and what this is is
that the amount of creditextended to you what percentages
of that are you using?
So, when you're closing creditcards, you are getting less
credit extended to you, whichmeans your utilization goes up
Right, and if it's above 30%,you're in trouble.
(17:27):
So you don't want that.
And, lastly, if you findsomeone that will be able to
help you maybe your parents, ifyou have bad credit, if you're
an authorized user on theircredit cards then your credit
score will automaticallyincrease very quickly.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
I want to explain this to everyone.
So let's say I have a creditcard for 10 years and I've
always been on time.
If I add an authorized userlike my parents or my sister,
automatically her name on mycredit card makes it look to the
credit report the creditbureaus that she's had that
credit card for that long, so itwill automatically help her
(17:58):
credit.
But I would only do that to addan authorized user if you add
it, but never give the personthe credit card.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Yes, that's what it is Never give the credit card to
the person and you don't,because that person's already
proven that they're not goodwith credit, right, right.
They've already proven that toyou, or else they wouldn't need
you to be authorized signer.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
I feel like that's such a good tip.
Yeah, that is such a good tip,right, so tell people where they
can find your book.
When is it coming out?
Speaker 2 (18:23):
It's coming out May 6th and you can find it on
Amazon, all book retailers Freeorders yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
And just to also reiterate, like this isn't just
not to date, this is not justdon't date a broke dude, it's
don't date a broke person.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Yes, you know, I get a lot of these broke dudes in my
comments saying, well, you know, we shouldn't date broke women
either.
I'm like, yeah, you should notdate broke women, absolutely
that.
Yeah, you shouldn't.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Yeah, it's.
It's again, it's aboutmotivation, because I do believe
that in partnerships, sometimessomebody is going to be wanting
to get another degree andthere's an ebb and flow and
there are going to be times thatyou have to financially help
somebody during.
You know, a temporary situationRight, but as long as you are
all on the same page and youhave the same goals moving
(19:14):
forward, then that's wherethat's the important thing.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Absolutely.
It's all about mindset, and youjust want someone that has the
same hustle, mindset andambition as you do.
That's really the bottom line.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
I could talk about money all day long.
Me too.
I wish it wasn't.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
I wish it wasn't such a taboo subject.
I know, I know and we reallyneed to make it non-taboo and
start talking about it and beingopen and honest and being naked
financially.
I say Be naked financially infront of the other person.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
I love that, and I think the inspiration here is we
both came from nothing, right?
Absolutely, we're self-made,yes, and so that's why I like to
talk about it, because I feellike if I could build this
beautiful life for my daughterand I, if I could do it, anybody
can do it.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
Absolutely.
I look around my house I'm likeI can't believe that I'm here,
but then I think, yeah, you can,because you bust your butt
getting here right.
So again, if I can do it Ididn't have any language skills,
I have dyslexia.
Like I said, I had ADHD.
If I can get through it, so cananybody else.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
I mean, I still clip coupons Me too.
No shame in that game.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
I still shop at Zara, are you kidding?
What's wrong from?
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Zara.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
Zara, zara and that this is cause yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
Thank you, patty, so much for having this
conversation with me, and ifyou're listening at home, this
is your invitation to starttalking to your friends about
your money and your savings andwhat your goals are.
I feel like we're all in thistogether and the more vulnerable
we are, the more we're going tohelp each other.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
Absolutely.
Thank you for having me.
All right, let's eat.
All right, perfect.
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