March 17, 2025 • 32 mins
Lewis Howes joins us for an intimate conversation about personal transformation, healing childhood trauma, and finding emotional freedom through self-assessment and inner work.
• Lewis shares how hitting rock bottom after moving to LA became his wake-up call
• Self-assessment is the crucial first step in identifying what needs healing
• Healing requires looking at past wounds that cause emotional triggers
• The three fears that cause self-doubt: fear of failure, fear of success, and fear of judgment
• Inner child work helped Lewis heal from childhood sexual abuse he kept secret for 25 years
• Authentic vulnerability creates emotional freedom and deeper connections
• Emotional regulation is the key to lasting happiness and fulfillment
• Making peace with money requires healing financial wounds and limiting beliefs
The greatest transformation happens when we take responsibility for our emotions and heal from within. Lewis's new book "Make Money Easy" addresses how to heal your relationship with money for financial peace and abundance.
WATCH THE SABRINA SOTO SHOW:
https://www.sabrinasoto.com/the-sabrina-soto-show/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to a special edition of Redesigning Life.
Many of you know I have a newshow called the Sabrina Soto
Show Out, and I was able toinvite amazing experts in their
fields just to come in and havegreat conversation.
But because it's a show, wehave to edit it down.
Now, these conversations, theywere so good that I wanted to
(00:21):
publish the raw, uneditedversion, and that's what this
episode is.
Today's episode is with LewisHowes.
We sat on the couch.
The conversation was so good.
Now again, you're going to hearaction and you may hear a crew
in the background, but I wantedto publish this so you can
really listen to the entire chat.
So here you go, all right,rolling and action.
(00:45):
Hey, lewis.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Good to see you.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I'm so excited you're here.
So this whole show is aboutteaching people how to redesign
their lives and inspire them tojust live a little differently,
and for years you have inspiredmillions of people.
How did you even get started onthe podcast?
School greatness, everything.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Well, it started with me moving to Los Angeles for a
girl, and she broke up with methe day I landed.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Oh boy.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
I moved from New York City to LA.
Two suitcases, a guitar and alaptop.
And I get here and she broke upwith me that day and I remember
thinking I just let go of mylease.
I don't have a lease here, whatdo I do with my life?
We ended up kind of gettingback together a few days later
and it was a roller coaster forthe next six months and I
thought to myself do I go backto New York, where I was
(01:34):
thriving, or do I figure outwhat's happening in my life?
Why is this happening for me?
And I started to kind of getfrustrated with a lot of things
in life.
A business partnership wasfalling apart, my intimate
relationship was falling apartand I could see my emotions
getting the best of me.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
And so I just started to be more reactive and, coming
from New York City, I waswalking everywhere.
I was taking the subway here, Iwas driving the traffic.
I didn't like it at first.
I was like this is a differentplace and I just could feel my
frustrations getting the best ofme of every situation in life,
until one day I kind of snapped.
I lost it on a basketball courtplaying basketball Pick up
(02:17):
basketball in West Hollywood.
How long ago was this?
This was 12 years ago and I gotin a fight on a basketball
court like a no stakesbasketball game, right.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Like a physical fight .
Speaker 2 (02:29):
A fist fight.
Okay, I got in a fist fight andI remember my best friend was
with me and I went home afterthis fight and I remember
looking myself in the mirror,being kind of terrified of what
I was looking at, and I juststared at myself in the mirror
and I was like who are you Like?
Who are you, what are you doing?
Why are you allowing this totrigger you and have power over
(02:52):
you?
And my best friend at the timehe was like you know, if you're
going to keep acting like this,I don't want to hang out with
you.
And that was a big wake up call.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Because even your girlfriend just broke up with
you too.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Yeah, I mean we were trying to make it work, but it
was like this up and down thing,right, this whole thing.
And that was I was 29.
I was about to turn 30 and Ithought I had everything figured
out.
I was making a lot of money, Iwas getting some notoriety
online.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
I was, you know what were you doing for work at the
time?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
I had an online marketing company and I was
creating online educationalcourses and doing online
marketing.
So I was.
You know, I left.
A few years prior to that, Iwas living on my sister's couch
in Columbus, ohio, and I escapedthat and I built something for
myself and I thought that wouldbe the solution, like making
money and making a name formyself.
I thought that would bring mepeace and it only caused more
(03:47):
stress because stress was insideof me.
So when I had more, the stressamplified, right, and it just
revealed more of who I was andmy best friend said that to me
and I was just like.
I got to take a look in themirror even more and I got to
make a transformation inside ofme.
Where I thought everyone elsewas the problem, I was the
common denominator, and so Istarted asking therapists.
(04:09):
You know what I can do.
I started going to emotionalintelligence workshops.
I tried everything for like ayear and a half and, um, that's
when I started to wake up, whenI started to look from within.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
And so with that, like the transformation came
from, you were almost forced toright it, like you were at a
dead end.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Yeah, I mean it was just, everything was falling
apart and I just knew, okay,having money isn't the solution.
It might be a solution to somethings money things, but not
emotional things.
Yeah, it amplified my emotions.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
It made me more scared, it made me more insecure
, frustrated, worried, anxious,all these different things and I
was like I thought this was asolution and what I really
needed to learn how to do washow to heal my heart.
And it wasn't until I learnedthe strategies of really true
healing and being on a healingjourney of my emotions, my
(05:02):
wounds, my memories, all thethings that kind of triggered me
emotionally.
That's when I learned how toset myself free.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
So can you share for people that are listening,
watching this?
Can you share sort of the stepsthat you found that have worked
for you?
I know you have like 10 stepsto happiness, but what are
something people that arewatching this?
What can they incorporate intotheir own lives too If they're
in that middle of the, you know,in that dead end maybe, that
you were at.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
I think first thing is a self-assessment, an easy
one through 10 assessment ofwhere am I at physically,
emotionally, financially,relationships.
Where am I on a scale of one to10?
One being in a really bad place, 10 being like I'm in the best
place possible.
Just do a self-evaluation ofevery area of your life.
How's my relationship with myparents?
(05:49):
Eh, it's a four, okay, why?
What can I start to do toimprove that to a five, six,
seven, to an eight, nine, 10,whatever it might be?
So a self-assessment would bestep one Take inventory of
everything in your life.
My relationship isn't working,why?
And don't blame the otherperson.
I blamed everyone for a longtime.
She did this to me, my businesspartner did this to me, my mom
(06:11):
did this to me, my dad, you knowall these different things.
Sure, they might do thesethings to you, but you get what
you tolerate, also in life.
And so, unless I had thecourage to create boundaries, it
wasn't going to improve and Iwould always live with
resentment, which I didn't knowhow to create boundaries Because
, as a kid, I felt alone, I feltinsignificant, I felt abused, I
(06:33):
was sexually abused, I feltabandoned.
All these different thingsstayed with me.
So I had to assess it first andrealize okay, I've got to heal
these things that are making mefeel unworthy, not good enough,
overwhelmed, anxious.
All these different thingsConstantly giving in to please
people I don't know if you're aformer people pleaser like me.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Not former.
Still live in it.
I still find myself peoplepleasing, but I'm working on it.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Yeah, and it doesn't feel good when you live in a
state of constantly needing toplease other people without
boundaries.
It's not that I don't want toplease people, but I don't want
to be resentful that I'mchanging who.
I am constantly to put someoneelse before me, absolutely, how
can I create the win-win?
So the assessment would be thefirst thing really taking
inventory, just writing down onethrough 10, where am I in my
(07:23):
relationships?
Where am I in my health?
Where am I in my health?
Where am I in my finances?
Where am I in these places inmy life that cause stress, pain
or dis-ease?
That would be the first thing.
The second thing would be tothen look within and say, okay,
where did the I mean?
This gets a little deeper andpeople may not want to do this
work.
It's the hardest work to do,but I think it's the thing
that'll set you the most freeand that's looking at all the
(07:44):
wounds that cause you the mostpain from the past.
Right, it's not fun, it's notenjoyable, it's not lighthearted
, it's not simple, it's hard.
I mean, yeah, I just would notfeel peace if I didn't do that
work.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
The problem.
Last year I went on a retreatfor seven days and it was all
about inner child work and whatI realized is what caused me so
much trauma in my childhood thatI was holding onto still in my
forties.
Now I was being applauded forso I became this ultra
independent woman.
I don't need anyone, I don'tneed a man, I don't need any
(08:18):
person, don't need help fromanyone.
It was almost like I wore it asa bulletproof vest to keep
everyone away, but I was alsobeing applauded by being so
successful.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
But in that retreat, and how'd that work out for you?
Speaker 1 (08:30):
Not so good in my romantic relationships and it
took me understanding that softis strong.
But you're right, it's not.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
So it didn't work in your romantic relationships.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
No, absolutely not.
I kept everyone away and Isabotaged a lot of romantic
relationships, because how canyou even create intimacy if you
won't let anyone in you to seeyou right yeah, to see you being
vulnerable, to see your trueself?
And it took doing that work,and that work was tough.
It was seven days of tough work, but it isn't for the faint of
(09:02):
heart.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Yeah, and it's a journey.
You know, I did many kind ofworkshops and retreats and I
thought like, okay, maybe I'vegot the answers now, but it's
really like you have tointegrate that lesson every
single day.
And healing is not a one-timeevent, it's not a weekend
retreat, it's a journey.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
You know it drives me crazy.
I know you have a lot of peopleon your podcast, but it drives
me crazy when people are likethis.
But it drives me crazy whenpeople are like this book
changed my life.
This trip changed my lifeBecause I don't.
That's not how healing works.
There's not one book thatchanged.
I'm not talking about your book.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Well, I think, when people say it changed their life
, it woke them up.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
It got them saying, oh, I didn't see.
Now I see something differently.
Yes, and that weekend trip orthat interview on your show or
that book got me to seesomething differently at the
exact time I was ready to see it.
Right, but a lot of us haveheard these things before, right
, you probably had girlfriendstelling you you got to soften up
, you got to be a little bitmore in your feminine.
You got to let a man open thedoor for you.
(09:55):
You got to just let him pay foryou for dinner once in a while.
You know, you don't have toshow that you're perfect and you
can do it all yourself.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Because then he's not going to feel wanted or needed
or desired.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
That's absolutely right.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
So why?
But you're like, no, but I, youknow, I can't let a man hurt me
, right?
I can never let someone do thisto me ever again, because it
probably happened at some point.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Yes, that's probably felt insignificant, right.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
But that's not going to serve you forever, right,
right, and maybe it supports youin your career or getting the
things you want or being drivenin certain ways.
But in a relationship we haveto learn how to step into a
different dynamic to createharmony and peace.
Because you didn't have it, youdidn't have harmony in
relationships.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
But I love what you said about the healing too,
because it's not linear.
I mean, my mom kind of makesfun of me because I constantly
am reading, I'm constantly doingretreats or just learning new
things, podcasts, ingesting allthis information.
She's like when is enoughenough?
But I feel like it's a constantwork in progress.
100%, you agree.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Yeah, I don't think you should stop learning.
No, I think you should alwaysbe learning.
Maybe you can take some spaceand time to integrate what
you've learned.
So it's not like alwayslearning.
That could be a crutch also.
So it's learning how tointegrate it and really practice
it and see how you continue toevolve and transform with those
practices.
Right, but I've been doing myshow for 12 years, every single
(11:15):
week.
I've done interviews every weekfor 12 years and people say
like, are you learning anythingnew?
And there's a lot of repetitivemessages.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
But I feel like if I'm not hearing the same things
that I know that will support me, I may fall off track on what
is good for me.
Yes, I may say well, yeah, Ilearned that a few years ago, so
I don't need to hear it anymore.
So let me just stop doing thepractices that I know are good
for me.
No, but when I'm around aneuroscientist, a health expert
(11:47):
or someone who can inspire meand empower me and share with me
one thing that I can be like ohyeah, I know I'm supposed to do
that and I haven't been doingit.
Let me get back to it.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
I'm the exact same way.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
It's important yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Years ago, in 2006, I watched the Secret.
Do you remember thisdocumentary?
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Yeah, I've interviewed Rhonda Byrne.
Yeah, she's amazing.
Okay, so you know?
Yeah, yeah, it's incredible.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
It changed my life.
Sorry, no, I just-.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
No, it did.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
It woke you up it woke me up, and then of course
there are times that I forgetabout the teachings and I kind
of fall off the wagon and I dohave to reintegrate that sort of
knowledge into my life and Iour lives.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
What's the thing that's blocking you in your life
the most right now?
Speaker 1 (12:23):
The thing right now.
I mean I don't know.
I think right now you'recatching me at a really good
time.
I feel really at peace.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Things are flowing.
You got the show, you got therelationship, you got the dream
house everything.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
It's like things are flowing, but I mean, if you were
to ask me a year ago, my lifewas completely different.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Really.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
As a matter of fact, a year ago today, I was at that
retreat.
Wow, today, yes, wow, Iactually finished it when we
wrapped the show was exactlywhen I wrapped the retreat.
And how much my life haschanged in a year.
And I do believe thattransformation can happen as
quick as you want it to, as longas you do the work.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Wow.
And what's been the biggestlesson for you in the past year?
Well, I think self-doubt is thebiggest killer of our dreams.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
But do you think self-doubt is fear of success,
like succeeding or failure?
Speaker 2 (13:17):
There's three main reasons why people doubt
themselves.
Tell me.
The first one is the fear offailure, and that's if you get
in a room of a thousand peopleand you say, raise your hand.
If you've ever been afraid tofail, most people will raise
their hand and say, yes, I havea fear of failure.
Trying something and it notworking out and me failing, that
fear cripples me so I don'tactually go forward and do what
(13:39):
I want to do.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Right.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Or I do it with hesitation and worry and double
check and make sure people areapproving of me along the way.
Right, that's one of thebiggest fears.
The second fear that peoplehave that causes them to doubt
themselves is the fear ofsuccess what you alluded to and
the fear of success.
If you ask, 1,000 people raiseyour hand, if you've ever been
afraid to succeed about 50%, 60%of the time people raise their
(14:04):
hand and it always shocks mebecause as a kid, I always
wanted to be successful.
I always wanted to have a goalor a dream that I could
accomplish.
For me, that's success.
It's not about the money orsomething.
It's about having a vision inmy mind and being able to
alchemize and actualize thatdream, in whatever form that is.
So I was like wanting tosucceed in those ways.
(14:25):
I was never afraid of it, so Ididn't understand it.
But there's an amazingdocumentary called the Weight of
Gold and it's about Olympianswho train their whole life for
the Olympics.
They get there, they win amedal and then, within six
months, a year, either commitsuicide, go through extreme
(14:46):
depression and have a lot ofother problems.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Because what they were working for their whole
life is now gone.
And now what?
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Well, it's also the weight and the pressure of
success.
It's like, okay, you've beenstriving to accomplish this
thing and now everyone looks atyou to have the answers, to say
the right things to lead them tothe promised land of whatever
that looks like.
You're supposed to be thechosen one now and now.
Everyone looks to you andcriticizes and judges everything
you do, and there is an immenseemotional and physical weight
(15:17):
that people put on theirshoulders when there is success
because of the pressure andpressure is a privilege but most
people don't look at it thatway.
They look at it as a weight andthey don't have the skills to
emotionally navigate success.
Therefore, success is a mainfear that causes them to doubt
themselves.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
I'm going to share something with you.
I'm getting emotional becausethis show is called my Name and
when we were like workshoppingthe show name, I was like let's
call it something else.
I came up with a million othernames because if it's my name
and it fails, it's on you, right, it's on you.
Right, so I'm like let's justcall it anything else, but my
(15:58):
name that's interesting.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
You know I'm laughing because something we were
talking about beforehand.
When I launched my show 12years ago, the School of
Greatness everyone was sayingcall it the Lewis Howe Show,
call it your name.
Ago, the school of greatnesseveryone was saying call it the
Lewis house show, call it yourname.
And something about me.
I'm not saying this is what youwent through, but something
(16:19):
about me.
At that season of life, I waslike it can't be about me, it
can't be my ego.
I needed to be about servingeveryone else and putting
everyone else first, becausethat's what I needed at that
time of my life.
I'm actually at another stagewhere I'm like no, I could leave
with my name now, because Ifeel like I've been doing the
healing work and it sounds likeyou've been doing the healing
work as well.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
So you're not as narcissistic as you might think.
It's okay to have your name inthe show.
It means you're stepping intoyour authentic power.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Because what my background?
I was home, like I.
We lost our home when I was 17years old.
So in essence, I was homelessat the age of 17.
I've created, I'm self-made, Icame from nothing to create a
life for my daughter and I.
That, I think is nice and I'vecreated a brand.
So it took me really sittingwith myself and thinking, cause
I thought this is my ego I don'twant it to sound so egotistical
(17:11):
the Sabrina Soto show but I'mlike you know what?
If I can show people that youcan come from nothing, with no
connections, and make a lifethat you're happy with, then
that's enough.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Own it, step into your power, and you're in a
season of life right now whereyou feel like you're able to do
that and I think it's beautiful.
At least you didn't say justSabrina, you know, it's like you
weren't trying to be, likeOprah, you know you weren't
trying to, you were doing thewhole day, you know.
So it's good.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
But then we have the teenage witch.
It was just going to getcomplicated.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
Exactly yeah, yeah, no, it's great.
But that's the second thingthat holds people back, that
causes them to doubt themselvesand to have a lack of self-worth
.
The third thing is so.
I never had the fear of failureor success as an athlete.
Did you play sports growing up?
No, not sporty at all as anathlete, but that's your
background, that's my whole life, right.
As an athlete, you fail everyday in practice.
You're missing the shot, you'redropping a ball, you're making
(18:03):
mistakes all day long and that'show you learn to succeed.
So, as an athlete, I learnedyou don't want to fail, but you
know it's part of the processand it's failure is just
feedback, it's informationgiving you what you need to
improve, to get better.
It's just data as an athlete.
So I just learned okay, failureis part of the process to
success and success is the goal.
(18:25):
My biggest fear my whole lifewas the third one, which is the
fear of judgment, and this isother people's opinions, what
they think about you, and thatcrippled me.
Whether I was going after mygoals failure, success, that
didn't really matter, but it waslike how I looked, my image,
(18:45):
the way I spoke, like everything.
It was just worried about whatpeople thought about me, whether
I was in the room with them,whether they were behind my back
.
What are they thought about me?
Whether I was in the room withthem, whether they were behind
my back, what are they sayingabout me?
How are they interpreting me?
I was just so insecure thatthat was my fear of judgment, so
it crippled me Anytime peoplegave me feedback or criticized
me.
I just couldn't take it.
It was just like, ah, and sothat's why I became a people
(19:06):
pleaser.
But how did you?
Speaker 1 (19:07):
get over that.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Man, years of therapy and letting my ego die, like
allowing my old identity tocompletely die off and transform
and it took a lot of healing ofmy inner child which is what
sounds like you went through ayear ago as well and really
loving the part of me that hadthe most insecurity, the most
doubt, the fears, all thosedifferent things and
reintegrating that part of methat had the most insecurity,
the most doubt, the fears, allthose different things, and
reintegrating that part of mewith my adult self as weird as
(19:38):
that might sound and creatingharmony with the old, wounded
self, with the new self, andcreating a new identity and
letting go of the parts of methat didn't work for me and that
took years of integration andpractice and coaching and
reflection and integrating.
It's just like a process untilI felt a level of peace and
(20:00):
fulfillment that I neverexperienced before.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Would you say that you're happy now?
Speaker 2 (20:05):
I would say I'm very peaceful, fulfilled and abundant
.
I think happiness is a choiceevery single day, and there are
moments where I can feelfrustrated or upset that
something's not going my way.
But I choose gratitude, peaceand abundance.
So I don't try to put myself ina happy state all day long,
because I want to feel the fullrange of emotions, but I don't
(20:27):
want it to overtake me from myjoy.
So I'll feel it and then I'llget out of it back to gratitude.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
The inner child work that you did I in therapy.
My therapist told me to liketake a picture of myself and I
didn't understand it until Irealized there was a situation
that I was in and she told meevery time you choose the bat,
you know, going back to this badsituation, you're abandoning
her, that little girl, and thatwas so powerful.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Did you do inner child work like that too?
For almost a year I had a photoof my five-year-old self in my
screensaver and every moment Iwould pick up my phone I would
look at him and I would just sayyou are loved, you are worthy
and you're enough.
I love that.
And I was sexually abused by aman that I didn't know at five.
So I found a photo of aroundthat time where I had one of the
biggest wounds that kind ofdefined me for 25 years because
I never told anyone for 25 years.
(21:17):
25 years later, at 30, Ifinally started opening up about
it.
When I went through thesebreakdowns and all these areas
of my life, I went to a workshopthat allowed me to finally talk
about it for the first time andit was I thought my life was
over by sharing this.
Why?
Because I'd never seen anotherman who had been sexually abused
(21:43):
.
I'd never seen an athlete talkabout it on TV or executives
talk about it.
No one was open 10, 11 yearsago talking about sexual abuse
as a man.
So I thought I was weak.
I was like I'm weak.
If people know this about me,and if people actually knew this
about me, no one would love me.
So that was the biggest fear.
If people really knew what I'vebeen through, how could they
(22:04):
ever love this person inside ofme?
And so I was terrified, and soI wore a mask to act a certain
way, to fit in and try to belong.
But trying to fit in is not thesame thing as belonging.
When you're pretending, whenyou're wearing a mask, when
you're people pleasing, you'rebeing a weaker version of you,
you're not being your mostauthentic self, you're being a
(22:26):
wounded version of you andyou're living in a lack of
self-worth.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Sorry, I'm getting emotional.
You're like what's wrong,because I feel like there's so
many people that are watchingthis that are in that exact
statement.
It makes me so sad becauseyou're not alone and you've
helped so many people find thecourage to be honest with
themselves and with the peoplein their lives, so that you're
(22:56):
free.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Do you feel free?
Speaker 2 (22:58):
A hundred percent.
Yeah, I never felt this free inmy life.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
That takes courage.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
And I never felt free .
I always felt like I couldn'tsleep at night.
It would take me a couple hoursevery night my whole childhood
until I was 30, just laying inbed like, ruminating constantly,
and I didn't know why.
It was just like, and I alwayshad, you didn't attribute it to
that.
No, I just thought somethingelse was wrong with me.
I was just like, ah, I must bejust messed up or something.
But it was like almost everyday there was a movie playing in
(23:23):
my mind of being sexuallyabused and being in that setting
and that scene and justreliving this kind of experience
.
You know that setting and thatscene and just reliving this
kind of experience.
And it wasn't until I voiced itin a safe environment and then
really started to heal andintegrate and continue to talk
about it until it didn't havepower over me anymore.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
And is that when you went public with it?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Yeah, it still had power over me.
Probably six months after Istarted telling my family, my
friends, kind of one-on-one, andworking with the therapist, I
realized I'm still worried whatpeople think about me.
And at that time I justlaunched my show, the School of
Greatness, maybe nine monthsprior, and I thought to myself
what would the ultimate act ofcourage be?
And I'm not saying thateveryone needs to go public with
(24:10):
their stuff, but I just feltlike man, this, I'm still
worried what people think aboutme.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
And so I I called a friend and said can you
interview me on my show where wecan kind of navigate this and I
can talk about it?
And I remember I recorded itand I held it for like months
Cause I was just like terror.
I literally thought my life wasover.
I thought my business, Ithought I would make no more
money, I thought I would loseeverything if people knew this
about me.
And it was actually theopposite.
(24:37):
I ended up putting it out there,thinking I'm just going to let
this be in the universe, and forweeks it's still the most
downloaded thing I've ever putout.
And for weeks I got just essaysfrom men sending me letters
telling me thank you, andthey're, you know, just letter
after letter.
I'm 55 years old, you know,I've been married for 20
(24:59):
something years.
I've got three kids, my wifeand kids don't know.
Here's what happened to me,just story after story.
You know it was almost like anemotional hangover.
It was so hard to read thisbecause I thought I was the only
one.
Yes, because I hadn't heardother men talk about it, and I
was just like, all right, I haveno example, but putting it out
there allowed myself to healmore and allowed other men to
(25:21):
start their healing journey.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Yes.
Do you think that emotionalfreedom is authenticity and
vulnerability?
Yes.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
I think it takes being authentic and being
vulnerable to create emotionalfreedom.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
And it yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
But again, I don't want people to say, oh, you
should just post whatever youwant online to like your whole
audience.
I don't think everything needsto be public.
I felt like that was part of myjourney, yeah, and because it
took the ultimate act of courageto say I need to let my ego die
.
You know, whatever people thinkabout me, I need to like, let
it go.
And this for me, was it wasstill.
(25:58):
I was still a prisoner of thisfear and so I had to let it go
that way.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
In the last 15 years of doing so many.
I mean, how many episodes haveyou done of School of Greatness?
Speaker 2 (26:07):
I think like 17, 1800 .
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
That's incredible.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Every week for 12 years, yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
So what is this?
I guess you say that you sortof keep getting the same
information over and over, butit's nice to sort of refresh
yourself.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
What is the one thing that you've learned in all the
different experts that you'vehad that you use daily in your
life?
Speaker 2 (26:28):
To kind of recap these I guess habits to create
happiness in your life.
We talked about first creatinga self-assessment and really
kind of recap these I guesshabits to create happiness in
your life.
You know, we talked about firstcreating a self-assessment and
really kind of writing down onethrough ten where am I in my
life and these differentcategories of my life?
And once I have awareness, thenI can start to take action.
I can start to heal and thinkabout the memories, the wounds,
the events that caused me to betriggered, to be avoided, to try
(26:51):
to be tough and take care ofeverything myself, as opposed to
a give and take, whatever itmight be.
Then we've got to startcreating these practices and
start integrating thesepractices in our life.
Once we start the healingjourney, it's really integrating
those things and coming from aplace of gratitude, appreciation
and abundance mindset.
And when we can do that in ourdaily life we'll start to
(27:11):
attract more good things in ourlife as well.
But the number one thing overthe last 12 years is based on an
interview I did with aneuroscientist who's also a
brain surgeon that I had on theshow.
He's done over a thousand brainsurgeries and he's also got a
PhD in neuroscience so hestudies the actual brain by
(27:33):
helping kind of remove cancerfrom the brain and studying the
brain matter, but also studiesthe mind.
And I said what's the numberone thing that will set people
free in their lives?
And he said emotionalregulation.
And that's kind of like 12years of my own personal work,
interviews I've done from theworld's greatest athletes,
business leaders,neuroscientists, therapists.
(27:55):
It's kind of like when you canlearn to regulate your emotions,
not limit your emotions, notstuff your emotions, not just be
happy every day even whenyou're not.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Which is also toxic.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
Yeah, it's not good, but regulate emotions.
Feel the frustration, processit, let it go and then get back
into the state of being.
Your most authentic self wantsto be in the full range of
emotion is fine, but not hurtingsomeone else or hurting
yourself through expressingthose emotions that's emotional
regulation.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Okay, but kind of dumb it down For anyone who's
watching this, it goes okay.
I find myself doing the rollercoaster every day and they're
watching.
Can you just give me?
Speaker 2 (28:36):
an example.
I'll give an example.
Yesterday I was going through afrustrating conversation with
my business, with anotherpartner who's trying to do a big
deal that we're doing togetherand I'll be completely honest
with you, I was reallyfrustrated about something I was
feeling.
You know, I was not feelinglike they were being a good
partner and I kept saying tomyself I just want to punch a
(28:57):
wall right now.
Now I'm not going to punch awall, but I was expressing my
feelings, like I want to dosomething.
I want to.
I'm frustrated, I'm set.
You know all these things.
I want to punch a wall, but I'mnot actually going to punch a
wall, but I'm going to say whatI want to do and let it out of
me.
Okay, this is how I'mfrustrated.
I want to like throw something,I want to scream, whatever it
is.
I'm going to let it out of mein a contained space.
(29:20):
I'm not going to do it in frontof my team.
I'm not going to like hurtsomeone else or hurt me, but I'm
going to say how I feel andthen get back to.
Okay, what's the solution?
How can I solve this problem?
How can I come from a space oflike seeing the vision I have in
my mind of how I want to createthis partnership to be
beautiful where it's a win-win.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
Not react and throw a temper tantrum Right, like my
old self would have done?
Speaker 1 (29:43):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
It's transforming that feeling through emotional
regulation and finding what isthe vision, what's the solution.
And let me take the next step.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
I love that.
Yeah, I love that.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
Okay, and you have a new book coming out, so can you
tell us?
Speaker 1 (29:58):
a little bit about that New book's called Make
Money Easy.
Okay, it's going to be abestseller.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Money is one of the biggest pains in people's lives.
Yes, it ruins relationships.
It ruins marriages when peopledon't understand how to make
money easy for them and have theconscious conversations with
them.
And one of the biggest problemswe have around money is we have
money wounds and money storiesthat cause us to restrict, to be
(30:21):
avoidant, to be anxious orinsecure around money and it
causes a lot of pain in ourrelationships.
So the whole book is aroundhealing your relationship with
money so you can createfinancial peace and abundance.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
I love that.
I agree that some of myfriendships friends in my life,
especially friends that I've hadsince I was 10, we talk about
money because it's kind of ataboo subject.
But when my friends are reallyopen about it they talk to me
about how their parents say itdoesn't grow on trees and that
(30:55):
goes into their subconscious andwhy they do have blocks.
So I think it's sort of simpleif you could clear all of that
garbage out, that the abundancedoes get attracted to you Like.
Imagine.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
Yeah, and we all have an attachment style.
You've heard of this bookcalled Attach, which has done
really well, and you can whatare you?
I'm secure now.
Oh okay, but I used to alwaysbe like-.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
Yeah, me too.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Anxious avoidant.
See, well, you actually have toask the partner they're with
and say what are they?
So you can't just say I'msecure, because it's like we all
have tendencies, but True, myfiance would say I'm secure.
So it's asking the partner whatare they?
Speaker 1 (31:30):
Is she secure?
Speaker 2 (31:31):
Yeah, she's very secure.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
Then it's a win-win.
Exactly yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
But it took I mean 20 years of going through
challenging relationships whereI was the common denominator of
all them not working out andpain throughout all of them.
So I had to do a lot, of manyyears of healing work until I
felt peaceful.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
I'm so glad you're here.
This whole show is aboutredesigning your life and
because I don't want people tohave to go through all the
things that maybe we have inorder to live a better life, and
if they are going through thethings that we've gone through,
I want them to not feel aloneand to feel like they have this
community with them.
So thank you so much for beinghere.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
Thanks for having me Seriously Appreciate it,
neighbor.
This was awesome.
Welcome to a special edition of Redesigning Life.
Many of you know I have a newshow called the Sabrina Soto
Show Out, and I was able toinvite amazing experts in their
fields just to come in and havegreat conversation.
But because it's a show, wehave to edit it down.
Now, these conversations, theywere so good that I wanted to
(00:21):
publish the raw, uneditedversion, and that's what this
episode is.
Today's episode is with LewisHowes.
We sat on the couch.
The conversation was so good.
Now again, you're going to hearaction and you may hear a crew
in the background, but I wantedto publish this so you can
really listen to the entire chat.
So here you go, all right,rolling and action.
(00:45):
Hey, lewis.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Good to see you.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I'm so excited you're here.
So this whole show is aboutteaching people how to redesign
their lives and inspire them tojust live a little differently,
and for years you have inspiredmillions of people.
How did you even get started onthe podcast?
School greatness, everything.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Well, it started with me moving to Los Angeles for a
girl, and she broke up with methe day I landed.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Oh boy.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
I moved from New York City to LA.
Two suitcases, a guitar and alaptop.
And I get here and she broke upwith me that day and I remember
thinking I just let go of mylease.
I don't have a lease here, whatdo I do with my life?
We ended up kind of gettingback together a few days later
and it was a roller coaster forthe next six months and I
thought to myself do I go backto New York, where I was
(01:34):
thriving, or do I figure outwhat's happening in my life?
Why is this happening for me?
And I started to kind of getfrustrated with a lot of things
in life.
A business partnership wasfalling apart, my intimate
relationship was falling apartand I could see my emotions
getting the best of me.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
And so I just started to be more reactive and, coming
from New York City, I waswalking everywhere.
I was taking the subway here, Iwas driving the traffic.
I didn't like it at first.
I was like this is a differentplace and I just could feel my
frustrations getting the best ofme of every situation in life,
until one day I kind of snapped.
I lost it on a basketball courtplaying basketball Pick up
(02:17):
basketball in West Hollywood.
How long ago was this?
This was 12 years ago and I gotin a fight on a basketball
court like a no stakesbasketball game, right.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Like a physical fight .
Speaker 2 (02:29):
A fist fight.
Okay, I got in a fist fight andI remember my best friend was
with me and I went home afterthis fight and I remember
looking myself in the mirror,being kind of terrified of what
I was looking at, and I juststared at myself in the mirror
and I was like who are you Like?
Who are you, what are you doing?
Why are you allowing this totrigger you and have power over
(02:52):
you?
And my best friend at the timehe was like you know, if you're
going to keep acting like this,I don't want to hang out with
you.
And that was a big wake up call.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Because even your girlfriend just broke up with
you too.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Yeah, I mean we were trying to make it work, but it
was like this up and down thing,right, this whole thing.
And that was I was 29.
I was about to turn 30 and Ithought I had everything figured
out.
I was making a lot of money, Iwas getting some notoriety
online.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
I was, you know what were you doing for work at the
time?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
I had an online marketing company and I was
creating online educationalcourses and doing online
marketing.
So I was.
You know, I left.
A few years prior to that, Iwas living on my sister's couch
in Columbus, ohio, and I escapedthat and I built something for
myself and I thought that wouldbe the solution, like making
money and making a name formyself.
I thought that would bring mepeace and it only caused more
(03:47):
stress because stress was insideof me.
So when I had more, the stressamplified, right, and it just
revealed more of who I was andmy best friend said that to me
and I was just like.
I got to take a look in themirror even more and I got to
make a transformation inside ofme.
Where I thought everyone elsewas the problem, I was the
common denominator, and so Istarted asking therapists.
(04:09):
You know what I can do.
I started going to emotionalintelligence workshops.
I tried everything for like ayear and a half and, um, that's
when I started to wake up, whenI started to look from within.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
And so with that, like the transformation came
from, you were almost forced toright it, like you were at a
dead end.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Yeah, I mean it was just, everything was falling
apart and I just knew, okay,having money isn't the solution.
It might be a solution to somethings money things, but not
emotional things.
Yeah, it amplified my emotions.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
It made me more scared, it made me more insecure
, frustrated, worried, anxious,all these different things and I
was like I thought this was asolution and what I really
needed to learn how to do washow to heal my heart.
And it wasn't until I learnedthe strategies of really true
healing and being on a healingjourney of my emotions, my
(05:02):
wounds, my memories, all thethings that kind of triggered me
emotionally.
That's when I learned how toset myself free.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
So can you share for people that are listening,
watching this?
Can you share sort of the stepsthat you found that have worked
for you?
I know you have like 10 stepsto happiness, but what are
something people that arewatching this?
What can they incorporate intotheir own lives too If they're
in that middle of the, you know,in that dead end maybe, that
you were at.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
I think first thing is a self-assessment, an easy
one through 10 assessment ofwhere am I at physically,
emotionally, financially,relationships.
Where am I on a scale of one to10?
One being in a really bad place, 10 being like I'm in the best
place possible.
Just do a self-evaluation ofevery area of your life.
How's my relationship with myparents?
(05:49):
Eh, it's a four, okay, why?
What can I start to do toimprove that to a five, six,
seven, to an eight, nine, 10,whatever it might be?
So a self-assessment would bestep one Take inventory of
everything in your life.
My relationship isn't working,why?
And don't blame the otherperson.
I blamed everyone for a longtime.
She did this to me, my businesspartner did this to me, my mom
(06:11):
did this to me, my dad, you knowall these different things.
Sure, they might do thesethings to you, but you get what
you tolerate, also in life.
And so, unless I had thecourage to create boundaries, it
wasn't going to improve and Iwould always live with
resentment, which I didn't knowhow to create boundaries Because
, as a kid, I felt alone, I feltinsignificant, I felt abused, I
(06:33):
was sexually abused, I feltabandoned.
All these different thingsstayed with me.
So I had to assess it first andrealize okay, I've got to heal
these things that are making mefeel unworthy, not good enough,
overwhelmed, anxious.
All these different thingsConstantly giving in to please
people I don't know if you're aformer people pleaser like me.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Not former.
Still live in it.
I still find myself peoplepleasing, but I'm working on it.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Yeah, and it doesn't feel good when you live in a
state of constantly needing toplease other people without
boundaries.
It's not that I don't want toplease people, but I don't want
to be resentful that I'mchanging who.
I am constantly to put someoneelse before me, absolutely, how
can I create the win-win?
So the assessment would be thefirst thing really taking
inventory, just writing down onethrough 10, where am I in my
(07:23):
relationships?
Where am I in my health?
Where am I in my health?
Where am I in my finances?
Where am I in these places inmy life that cause stress, pain
or dis-ease?
That would be the first thing.
The second thing would be tothen look within and say, okay,
where did the I mean?
This gets a little deeper andpeople may not want to do this
work.
It's the hardest work to do,but I think it's the thing
that'll set you the most freeand that's looking at all the
(07:44):
wounds that cause you the mostpain from the past.
Right, it's not fun, it's notenjoyable, it's not lighthearted
, it's not simple, it's hard.
I mean, yeah, I just would notfeel peace if I didn't do that
work.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
The problem.
Last year I went on a retreatfor seven days and it was all
about inner child work and whatI realized is what caused me so
much trauma in my childhood thatI was holding onto still in my
forties.
Now I was being applauded forso I became this ultra
independent woman.
I don't need anyone, I don'tneed a man, I don't need any
(08:18):
person, don't need help fromanyone.
It was almost like I wore it asa bulletproof vest to keep
everyone away, but I was alsobeing applauded by being so
successful.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
But in that retreat, and how'd that work out for you?
Speaker 1 (08:30):
Not so good in my romantic relationships and it
took me understanding that softis strong.
But you're right, it's not.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
So it didn't work in your romantic relationships.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
No, absolutely not.
I kept everyone away and Isabotaged a lot of romantic
relationships, because how canyou even create intimacy if you
won't let anyone in you to seeyou right yeah, to see you being
vulnerable, to see your trueself?
And it took doing that work,and that work was tough.
It was seven days of tough work, but it isn't for the faint of
(09:02):
heart.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Yeah, and it's a journey.
You know, I did many kind ofworkshops and retreats and I
thought like, okay, maybe I'vegot the answers now, but it's
really like you have tointegrate that lesson every
single day.
And healing is not a one-timeevent, it's not a weekend
retreat, it's a journey.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
You know it drives me crazy.
I know you have a lot of peopleon your podcast, but it drives
me crazy when people are likethis.
But it drives me crazy whenpeople are like this book
changed my life.
This trip changed my lifeBecause I don't.
That's not how healing works.
There's not one book thatchanged.
I'm not talking about your book.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Well, I think, when people say it changed their life
, it woke them up.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
It got them saying, oh, I didn't see.
Now I see something differently.
Yes, and that weekend trip orthat interview on your show or
that book got me to seesomething differently at the
exact time I was ready to see it.
Right, but a lot of us haveheard these things before, right
, you probably had girlfriendstelling you you got to soften up
, you got to be a little bitmore in your feminine.
You got to let a man open thedoor for you.
(09:55):
You got to just let him pay foryou for dinner once in a while.
You know, you don't have toshow that you're perfect and you
can do it all yourself.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Because then he's not going to feel wanted or needed
or desired.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
That's absolutely right.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
So why?
But you're like, no, but I, youknow, I can't let a man hurt me
, right?
I can never let someone do thisto me ever again, because it
probably happened at some point.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Yes, that's probably felt insignificant, right.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
But that's not going to serve you forever, right,
right, and maybe it supports youin your career or getting the
things you want or being drivenin certain ways.
But in a relationship we haveto learn how to step into a
different dynamic to createharmony and peace.
Because you didn't have it, youdidn't have harmony in
relationships.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
But I love what you said about the healing too,
because it's not linear.
I mean, my mom kind of makesfun of me because I constantly
am reading, I'm constantly doingretreats or just learning new
things, podcasts, ingesting allthis information.
She's like when is enoughenough?
But I feel like it's a constantwork in progress.
100%, you agree.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Yeah, I don't think you should stop learning.
No, I think you should alwaysbe learning.
Maybe you can take some spaceand time to integrate what
you've learned.
So it's not like alwayslearning.
That could be a crutch also.
So it's learning how tointegrate it and really practice
it and see how you continue toevolve and transform with those
practices.
Right, but I've been doing myshow for 12 years, every single
(11:15):
week.
I've done interviews every weekfor 12 years and people say
like, are you learning anythingnew?
And there's a lot of repetitivemessages.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
But I feel like if I'm not hearing the same things
that I know that will support me, I may fall off track on what
is good for me.
Yes, I may say well, yeah, Ilearned that a few years ago, so
I don't need to hear it anymore.
So let me just stop doing thepractices that I know are good
for me.
No, but when I'm around aneuroscientist, a health expert
(11:47):
or someone who can inspire meand empower me and share with me
one thing that I can be like ohyeah, I know I'm supposed to do
that and I haven't been doingit.
Let me get back to it.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
I'm the exact same way.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
It's important yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Years ago, in 2006, I watched the Secret.
Do you remember thisdocumentary?
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Yeah, I've interviewed Rhonda Byrne.
Yeah, she's amazing.
Okay, so you know?
Yeah, yeah, it's incredible.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
It changed my life.
Sorry, no, I just-.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
No, it did.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
It woke you up it woke me up, and then of course
there are times that I forgetabout the teachings and I kind
of fall off the wagon and I dohave to reintegrate that sort of
knowledge into my life and Iour lives.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
What's the thing that's blocking you in your life
the most right now?
Speaker 1 (12:23):
The thing right now.
I mean I don't know.
I think right now you'recatching me at a really good
time.
I feel really at peace.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Things are flowing.
You got the show, you got therelationship, you got the dream
house everything.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
It's like things are flowing, but I mean, if you were
to ask me a year ago, my lifewas completely different.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Really.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
As a matter of fact, a year ago today, I was at that
retreat.
Wow, today, yes, wow, Iactually finished it when we
wrapped the show was exactlywhen I wrapped the retreat.
And how much my life haschanged in a year.
And I do believe thattransformation can happen as
quick as you want it to, as longas you do the work.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Wow.
And what's been the biggestlesson for you in the past year?
Well, I think self-doubt is thebiggest killer of our dreams.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
But do you think self-doubt is fear of success,
like succeeding or failure?
Speaker 2 (13:17):
There's three main reasons why people doubt
themselves.
Tell me.
The first one is the fear offailure, and that's if you get
in a room of a thousand peopleand you say, raise your hand.
If you've ever been afraid tofail, most people will raise
their hand and say, yes, I havea fear of failure.
Trying something and it notworking out and me failing, that
fear cripples me so I don'tactually go forward and do what
(13:39):
I want to do.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Right.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Or I do it with hesitation and worry and double
check and make sure people areapproving of me along the way.
Right, that's one of thebiggest fears.
The second fear that peoplehave that causes them to doubt
themselves is the fear ofsuccess what you alluded to and
the fear of success.
If you ask, 1,000 people raiseyour hand, if you've ever been
afraid to succeed about 50%, 60%of the time people raise their
(14:04):
hand and it always shocks mebecause as a kid, I always
wanted to be successful.
I always wanted to have a goalor a dream that I could
accomplish.
For me, that's success.
It's not about the money orsomething.
It's about having a vision inmy mind and being able to
alchemize and actualize thatdream, in whatever form that is.
So I was like wanting tosucceed in those ways.
(14:25):
I was never afraid of it, so Ididn't understand it.
But there's an amazingdocumentary called the Weight of
Gold and it's about Olympianswho train their whole life for
the Olympics.
They get there, they win amedal and then, within six
months, a year, either commitsuicide, go through extreme
(14:46):
depression and have a lot ofother problems.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Because what they were working for their whole
life is now gone.
And now what?
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Well, it's also the weight and the pressure of
success.
It's like, okay, you've beenstriving to accomplish this
thing and now everyone looks atyou to have the answers, to say
the right things to lead them tothe promised land of whatever
that looks like.
You're supposed to be thechosen one now and now.
Everyone looks to you andcriticizes and judges everything
you do, and there is an immenseemotional and physical weight
(15:17):
that people put on theirshoulders when there is success
because of the pressure andpressure is a privilege but most
people don't look at it thatway.
They look at it as a weight andthey don't have the skills to
emotionally navigate success.
Therefore, success is a mainfear that causes them to doubt
themselves.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
I'm going to share something with you.
I'm getting emotional becausethis show is called my Name and
when we were like workshoppingthe show name, I was like let's
call it something else.
I came up with a million othernames because if it's my name
and it fails, it's on you, right, it's on you.
Right, so I'm like let's justcall it anything else, but my
(15:58):
name that's interesting.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
You know I'm laughing because something we were
talking about beforehand.
When I launched my show 12years ago, the School of
Greatness everyone was sayingcall it the Lewis Howe Show,
call it your name.
Ago, the school of greatnesseveryone was saying call it the
Lewis house show, call it yourname.
And something about me.
I'm not saying this is what youwent through, but something
(16:19):
about me.
At that season of life, I waslike it can't be about me, it
can't be my ego.
I needed to be about servingeveryone else and putting
everyone else first, becausethat's what I needed at that
time of my life.
I'm actually at another stagewhere I'm like no, I could leave
with my name now, because Ifeel like I've been doing the
healing work and it sounds likeyou've been doing the healing
work as well.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
So you're not as narcissistic as you might think.
It's okay to have your name inthe show.
It means you're stepping intoyour authentic power.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Because what my background?
I was home, like I.
We lost our home when I was 17years old.
So in essence, I was homelessat the age of 17.
I've created, I'm self-made, Icame from nothing to create a
life for my daughter and I.
That, I think is nice and I'vecreated a brand.
So it took me really sittingwith myself and thinking, cause
I thought this is my ego I don'twant it to sound so egotistical
(17:11):
the Sabrina Soto show but I'mlike you know what?
If I can show people that youcan come from nothing, with no
connections, and make a lifethat you're happy with, then
that's enough.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Own it, step into your power, and you're in a
season of life right now whereyou feel like you're able to do
that and I think it's beautiful.
At least you didn't say justSabrina, you know, it's like you
weren't trying to be, likeOprah, you know you weren't
trying to, you were doing thewhole day, you know.
So it's good.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
But then we have the teenage witch.
It was just going to getcomplicated.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
Exactly yeah, yeah, no, it's great.
But that's the second thingthat holds people back, that
causes them to doubt themselvesand to have a lack of self-worth
.
The third thing is so.
I never had the fear of failureor success as an athlete.
Did you play sports growing up?
No, not sporty at all as anathlete, but that's your
background, that's my whole life, right.
As an athlete, you fail everyday in practice.
You're missing the shot, you'redropping a ball, you're making
(18:03):
mistakes all day long and that'show you learn to succeed.
So, as an athlete, I learnedyou don't want to fail, but you
know it's part of the processand it's failure is just
feedback, it's informationgiving you what you need to
improve, to get better.
It's just data as an athlete.
So I just learned okay, failureis part of the process to
success and success is the goal.
(18:25):
My biggest fear my whole lifewas the third one, which is the
fear of judgment, and this isother people's opinions, what
they think about you, and thatcrippled me.
Whether I was going after mygoals failure, success, that
didn't really matter, but it waslike how I looked, my image,
(18:45):
the way I spoke, like everything.
It was just worried about whatpeople thought about me, whether
I was in the room with them,whether they were behind my back
.
What are they thought about me?
Whether I was in the room withthem, whether they were behind
my back, what are they sayingabout me?
How are they interpreting me?
I was just so insecure thatthat was my fear of judgment, so
it crippled me Anytime peoplegave me feedback or criticized
me.
I just couldn't take it.
It was just like, ah, and sothat's why I became a people
(19:06):
pleaser.
But how did you?
Speaker 1 (19:07):
get over that.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Man, years of therapy and letting my ego die, like
allowing my old identity tocompletely die off and transform
and it took a lot of healing ofmy inner child which is what
sounds like you went through ayear ago as well and really
loving the part of me that hadthe most insecurity, the most
doubt, the fears, all thosedifferent things and
reintegrating that part of methat had the most insecurity,
the most doubt, the fears, allthose different things, and
reintegrating that part of mewith my adult self as weird as
(19:38):
that might sound and creatingharmony with the old, wounded
self, with the new self, andcreating a new identity and
letting go of the parts of methat didn't work for me and that
took years of integration andpractice and coaching and
reflection and integrating.
It's just like a process untilI felt a level of peace and
(20:00):
fulfillment that I neverexperienced before.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Would you say that you're happy now?
Speaker 2 (20:05):
I would say I'm very peaceful, fulfilled and abundant
.
I think happiness is a choiceevery single day, and there are
moments where I can feelfrustrated or upset that
something's not going my way.
But I choose gratitude, peaceand abundance.
So I don't try to put myself ina happy state all day long,
because I want to feel the fullrange of emotions, but I don't
(20:27):
want it to overtake me from myjoy.
So I'll feel it and then I'llget out of it back to gratitude.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
The inner child work that you did I in therapy.
My therapist told me to liketake a picture of myself and I
didn't understand it until Irealized there was a situation
that I was in and she told meevery time you choose the bat,
you know, going back to this badsituation, you're abandoning
her, that little girl, and thatwas so powerful.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Did you do inner child work like that too?
For almost a year I had a photoof my five-year-old self in my
screensaver and every moment Iwould pick up my phone I would
look at him and I would just sayyou are loved, you are worthy
and you're enough.
I love that.
And I was sexually abused by aman that I didn't know at five.
So I found a photo of aroundthat time where I had one of the
biggest wounds that kind ofdefined me for 25 years because
I never told anyone for 25 years.
(21:17):
25 years later, at 30, Ifinally started opening up about
it.
When I went through thesebreakdowns and all these areas
of my life, I went to a workshopthat allowed me to finally talk
about it for the first time andit was I thought my life was
over by sharing this.
Why?
Because I'd never seen anotherman who had been sexually abused
(21:43):
.
I'd never seen an athlete talkabout it on TV or executives
talk about it.
No one was open 10, 11 yearsago talking about sexual abuse
as a man.
So I thought I was weak.
I was like I'm weak.
If people know this about me,and if people actually knew this
about me, no one would love me.
So that was the biggest fear.
If people really knew what I'vebeen through, how could they
(22:04):
ever love this person inside ofme?
And so I was terrified, and soI wore a mask to act a certain
way, to fit in and try to belong.
But trying to fit in is not thesame thing as belonging.
When you're pretending, whenyou're wearing a mask, when
you're people pleasing, you'rebeing a weaker version of you,
you're not being your mostauthentic self, you're being a
(22:26):
wounded version of you andyou're living in a lack of
self-worth.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Sorry, I'm getting emotional.
You're like what's wrong,because I feel like there's so
many people that are watchingthis that are in that exact
statement.
It makes me so sad becauseyou're not alone and you've
helped so many people find thecourage to be honest with
themselves and with the peoplein their lives, so that you're
(22:56):
free.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Do you feel free?
Speaker 2 (22:58):
A hundred percent.
Yeah, I never felt this free inmy life.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
That takes courage.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
And I never felt free .
I always felt like I couldn'tsleep at night.
It would take me a couple hoursevery night my whole childhood
until I was 30, just laying inbed like, ruminating constantly,
and I didn't know why.
It was just like, and I alwayshad, you didn't attribute it to
that.
No, I just thought somethingelse was wrong with me.
I was just like, ah, I must bejust messed up or something.
But it was like almost everyday there was a movie playing in
(23:23):
my mind of being sexuallyabused and being in that setting
and that scene and justreliving this kind of experience
.
You know that setting and thatscene and just reliving this
kind of experience.
And it wasn't until I voiced itin a safe environment and then
really started to heal andintegrate and continue to talk
about it until it didn't havepower over me anymore.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
And is that when you went public with it?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Yeah, it still had power over me.
Probably six months after Istarted telling my family, my
friends, kind of one-on-one, andworking with the therapist, I
realized I'm still worried whatpeople think about me.
And at that time I justlaunched my show, the School of
Greatness, maybe nine monthsprior, and I thought to myself
what would the ultimate act ofcourage be?
And I'm not saying thateveryone needs to go public with
(24:10):
their stuff, but I just feltlike man, this, I'm still
worried what people think aboutme.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
And so I I called a friend and said can you
interview me on my show where wecan kind of navigate this and I
can talk about it?
And I remember I recorded itand I held it for like months
Cause I was just like terror.
I literally thought my life wasover.
I thought my business, Ithought I would make no more
money, I thought I would loseeverything if people knew this
about me.
And it was actually theopposite.
(24:37):
I ended up putting it out there,thinking I'm just going to let
this be in the universe, and forweeks it's still the most
downloaded thing I've ever putout.
And for weeks I got just essaysfrom men sending me letters
telling me thank you, andthey're, you know, just letter
after letter.
I'm 55 years old, you know,I've been married for 20
(24:59):
something years.
I've got three kids, my wifeand kids don't know.
Here's what happened to me,just story after story.
You know it was almost like anemotional hangover.
It was so hard to read thisbecause I thought I was the only
one.
Yes, because I hadn't heardother men talk about it, and I
was just like, all right, I haveno example, but putting it out
there allowed myself to healmore and allowed other men to
(25:21):
start their healing journey.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
Yes.
Do you think that emotionalfreedom is authenticity and
vulnerability?
Yes.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
I think it takes being authentic and being
vulnerable to create emotionalfreedom.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
And it yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
But again, I don't want people to say, oh, you
should just post whatever youwant online to like your whole
audience.
I don't think everything needsto be public.
I felt like that was part of myjourney, yeah, and because it
took the ultimate act of courageto say I need to let my ego die
.
You know, whatever people thinkabout me, I need to like, let
it go.
And this for me, was it wasstill.
(25:58):
I was still a prisoner of thisfear and so I had to let it go
that way.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
In the last 15 years of doing so many.
I mean, how many episodes haveyou done of School of Greatness?
Speaker 2 (26:07):
I think like 17, 1800 .
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
That's incredible.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Every week for 12 years, yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
So what is this?
I guess you say that you sortof keep getting the same
information over and over, butit's nice to sort of refresh
yourself.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
What is the one thing that you've learned in all the
different experts that you'vehad that you use daily in your
life?
Speaker 2 (26:28):
To kind of recap these I guess habits to create
happiness in your life.
We talked about first creatinga self-assessment and really
kind of recap these I guesshabits to create happiness in
your life.
You know, we talked about firstcreating a self-assessment and
really kind of writing down onethrough ten where am I in my
life and these differentcategories of my life?
And once I have awareness, thenI can start to take action.
I can start to heal and thinkabout the memories, the wounds,
the events that caused me to betriggered, to be avoided, to try
(26:51):
to be tough and take care ofeverything myself, as opposed to
a give and take, whatever itmight be.
Then we've got to startcreating these practices and
start integrating thesepractices in our life.
Once we start the healingjourney, it's really integrating
those things and coming from aplace of gratitude, appreciation
and abundance mindset.
And when we can do that in ourdaily life we'll start to
(27:11):
attract more good things in ourlife as well.
But the number one thing overthe last 12 years is based on an
interview I did with aneuroscientist who's also a
brain surgeon that I had on theshow.
He's done over a thousand brainsurgeries and he's also got a
PhD in neuroscience so hestudies the actual brain by
(27:33):
helping kind of remove cancerfrom the brain and studying the
brain matter, but also studiesthe mind.
And I said what's the numberone thing that will set people
free in their lives?
And he said emotionalregulation.
And that's kind of like 12years of my own personal work,
interviews I've done from theworld's greatest athletes,
business leaders,neuroscientists, therapists.
(27:55):
It's kind of like when you canlearn to regulate your emotions,
not limit your emotions, notstuff your emotions, not just be
happy every day even whenyou're not.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Which is also toxic.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
Yeah, it's not good, but regulate emotions.
Feel the frustration, processit, let it go and then get back
into the state of being.
Your most authentic self wantsto be in the full range of
emotion is fine, but not hurtingsomeone else or hurting
yourself through expressingthose emotions that's emotional
regulation.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Okay, but kind of dumb it down For anyone who's
watching this, it goes okay.
I find myself doing the rollercoaster every day and they're
watching.
Can you just give me?
Speaker 2 (28:36):
an example.
I'll give an example.
Yesterday I was going through afrustrating conversation with
my business, with anotherpartner who's trying to do a big
deal that we're doing togetherand I'll be completely honest
with you, I was reallyfrustrated about something I was
feeling.
You know, I was not feelinglike they were being a good
partner and I kept saying tomyself I just want to punch a
(28:57):
wall right now.
Now I'm not going to punch awall, but I was expressing my
feelings, like I want to dosomething.
I want to.
I'm frustrated, I'm set.
You know all these things.
I want to punch a wall, but I'mnot actually going to punch a
wall, but I'm going to say whatI want to do and let it out of
me.
Okay, this is how I'mfrustrated.
I want to like throw something,I want to scream, whatever it
is.
I'm going to let it out of mein a contained space.
(29:20):
I'm not going to do it in frontof my team.
I'm not going to like hurtsomeone else or hurt me, but I'm
going to say how I feel andthen get back to.
Okay, what's the solution?
How can I solve this problem?
How can I come from a space oflike seeing the vision I have in
my mind of how I want to createthis partnership to be
beautiful where it's a win-win.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
Not react and throw a temper tantrum Right, like my
old self would have done?
Speaker 1 (29:43):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
It's transforming that feeling through emotional
regulation and finding what isthe vision, what's the solution.
And let me take the next step.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
I love that.
Yeah, I love that.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
Okay, and you have a new book coming out, so can you
tell us?
Speaker 1 (29:58):
a little bit about that New book's called Make
Money Easy.
Okay, it's going to be abestseller.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Money is one of the biggest pains in people's lives.
Yes, it ruins relationships.
It ruins marriages when peopledon't understand how to make
money easy for them and have theconscious conversations with
them.
And one of the biggest problemswe have around money is we have
money wounds and money storiesthat cause us to restrict, to be
(30:21):
avoidant, to be anxious orinsecure around money and it
causes a lot of pain in ourrelationships.
So the whole book is aroundhealing your relationship with
money so you can createfinancial peace and abundance.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
I love that.
I agree that some of myfriendships friends in my life,
especially friends that I've hadsince I was 10, we talk about
money because it's kind of ataboo subject.
But when my friends are reallyopen about it they talk to me
about how their parents say itdoesn't grow on trees and that
(30:55):
goes into their subconscious andwhy they do have blocks.
So I think it's sort of simpleif you could clear all of that
garbage out, that the abundancedoes get attracted to you Like.
Imagine.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
Yeah, and we all have an attachment style.
You've heard of this bookcalled Attach, which has done
really well, and you can whatare you?
I'm secure now.
Oh okay, but I used to alwaysbe like-.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
Yeah, me too.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Anxious avoidant.
See, well, you actually have toask the partner they're with
and say what are they?
So you can't just say I'msecure, because it's like we all
have tendencies, but True, myfiance would say I'm secure.
So it's asking the partner whatare they?
Speaker 1 (31:30):
Is she secure?
Speaker 2 (31:31):
Yeah, she's very secure.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
Then it's a win-win.
Exactly yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
But it took I mean 20 years of going through
challenging relationships whereI was the common denominator of
all them not working out andpain throughout all of them.
So I had to do a lot, of manyyears of healing work until I
felt peaceful.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
I'm so glad you're here.
This whole show is aboutredesigning your life and
because I don't want people tohave to go through all the
things that maybe we have inorder to live a better life, and
if they are going through thethings that we've gone through,
I want them to not feel aloneand to feel like they have this
community with them.
So thank you so much for beinghere.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
Thanks for having me Seriously Appreciate it,
neighbor.
This was awesome.
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