November 10, 2025 • 34 mins
In this conversation, I sit down with Beatriz Victoria Albina, a family nurse practitioner, somatic experiencing practitioner, and author of the newly released book End Emotional Outsourcing to unpack why so many of us struggle with people-pleasing, perfectionism, and burnout.
Beatriz introduces the concept of "emotional outsourcing" (a term even Oprah is talking about) which describes how we've learned to source our sense of worth, safety, and belonging from everyone and everything outside ourselves. But here's the revolutionary part: she explains that these aren't personality flaws. They're survival skills we developed as kids, and we can unlearn them.
We get real about the invisible labor women carry, the pressure to be productive over everything else, and why setting boundaries feels so physically uncomfortable. Beatrice then walks us through practical, body-based techniques you can start today.
This conversation is for anyone who's exhausted from putting themselves last, who feels guilty for saying no, or who's ready to stop apologizing for taking up space in their own life.
Connect with Beatriz: https://beatrizalbina.com/
Link to Beatriz's book: https://beatrizalbina.com/book/
Free Meditations: https://beatrizalbina.com/free-meditations/
Beatriz on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/beatrizvictoriaalbinanp/
Connect with Sabrina:
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Redesigning Life.
I'm your host, Sabrina Soto,and this is the space where we
have honest conversations aboutpersonal growth, mindset shifts,
and creating a life that feelstruly aligned.
In each episode, I'll talk toexperts in their field who share
their insights to help you stepinto your higher self.
Let's redesign your life fromthe inside out.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Hi, and welcome to Redesigning Life.
Today I am thrilled to welcomeBeatriz Victoria Albina.
Beatriz just released her bookcalled End Emotional
Outsourcing.
Beatriz, thank you so much forbeing here today.
I really want to get startedbecause I have so many questions
for you, but thank you so muchfor being here.
Speaker (00:41):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm delighted to be here.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
I feel like this is going to be a really powerful
conversation.
Most of my listeners are verysuccessful women who deal with
burnout and people pleasing.
And you coined a term andemotional outsourcing.
Can you just right off the batexplain exactly what that is?
Because I know Oprah, as youmentioned, just spoke about
(01:05):
this.
So I feel like whatever Oprahis talking about matters.
Speaker (01:09):
That's amazing thank you, thank you, thank you.
Uh yeah, I was really sograteful.
Oprah picked the term up.
That's a pretty funny deal.
Congratulations.
It's a good get.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So emotional outsourcing is theterm I created as an umbrella
term for our codependent,perfectionist, and
people-pleasing habits.
And notice I'm talking abouthabits, not identities, not who
(01:32):
we are, habits.
And we'll get into that more ina second.
But first we'll define theterm.
So emotional outsourcing iswhen we chronically and
habitually source our sense ofthe three vital human needs:
safety, belonging, and worthfrom everyone and everything
outside of ourselves instead offrom within at a great cost to
(01:57):
self.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
So when I hear you say that, I'm like, okay, I want
to pretend that I don't dothat.
But aren't we raised in asociety where, you know, it's
like your job, your kids, yourawards, your whatever, like fill
in the blank gives you a senseof worth.
Speaker (02:17):
100%.
Yeah.
I think most of us are raisedup to completely externalize our
sense of worth, our sense ofvalue, our sense of importance.
And here in the West, it's verymuch towards productivity.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Yes.
Speaker (02:31):
Right?
Productivity over everything.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Over everything.
And I have actually beendealing with just noticing that
in my own life a lot.
Um, I was asked the other dayabout what my hobbies are, and I
realize I don't have anyhobbies because I'm always
productive.
So can you explain to me whenyou don't outsource your
emotional like worth or any ofyour worth to somebody else?
(02:56):
What does that even look like?
Speaker (02:58):
I love, can I just love that you went there?
So often I'm asked, tell meabout the problem, right?
And we spend all this timewallowing in what's wrong.
And it's a really beautifulshift that you want to start
with imagining what can be.
So thank you for that.
That's um it gives a lovelytone to our conversation.
So when you are not emotionaloutsourcing, you are living in
(03:21):
interdependence.
So people often think if I'mindependent, then I can't have
codependent habits.
But they're really just twosides of the same coin.
Um in interdependence, you knowyourself and others to be
autonomous creatures.
Uh, and from your autonomy andyour grounded, embodied sense of
(03:43):
self, we live in mutuality andreciprocity with the people
around us.
Meaning, I do all kinds of nicethings, kind things, loving
things, generous things for thepeople in my world.
And they do the same for me,but not from tit for tat, not
from with all I've done for you.
Oh no, no.
We do it from love, right?
We give from our emotionaloverflow, we give from our
(04:07):
capacity and not at a cost toself, right?
Right.
Um, we don't question whetherpeople like us.
We don't question if we've donesomething wrong.
You know, that whole like, areyou mad at me?
Did I do something wrong?
Oh God, you know, you didn'trespond to my text for like 27
minutes.
And so I'm just wondering if,like, do you hate me, Sabria?
Do you do you?
Do you hate me?
(04:27):
Right.
That's you do.
Okay, great, good, perfect.
As long as you hate me, we canmove.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Bring that up.
I I know that feeling all thetime, right?
Speaker (04:38):
Yeah.
And so instead, we can just beourselves.
We can just be exactly who weare and dress how we like, talk
how we like, do what we like inour lives for ourselves, not to
please others or try to likeemotionally manipulate them,
which is so much of what we'redoing in emotional outsourcing
(05:00):
without even realizing it.
What were you saying, love?
Is it ultra confidence?
It's yes and, right?
It's confidence that'sembodied, meaning it's grounded
in the body.
Okay, right?
Because we can yeah, because wecan tell the story.
I'm so confident.
But what happens then whensomebody pushes up against your
(05:22):
no or your boundary, right?
Do you fold like an origamiswan?
Right.
It feels like shit.
Exactly.
Okay, oh God, we I have so manythings.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Like my non sequitur brains all over the place.
I love it, I love it.
I'll follow, I'll follow.
Okay, go.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because I was at an event lastweek about boundaries.
My friend Terry Cole, she likewro wrote the book Boundary
Boss.
We were talking aboutboundaries, and when you do
sometimes create thoseboundaries with the people you
(05:53):
love, sometimes you it feelsawful because they are mad.
So you're somatically, it feelslike pressure.
Um, and so how how do you gethow do you fight that feeling to
go back to being like, oh,forget it, forget it.
When you don't emotionallyoutsource your worth of somebody
(06:16):
else's liking you, how do likehow do you dance that dance?
Speaker (06:20):
Yeah, you recognize that it's completely human and
normal to care what othersthink.
We're pack animals.
We need each other.
Of course, I care.
And I don't care about youropinion, about my life, more
than I care about my opinion.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
So, yes, I care because we're supposed to be in
community and and we all aresupposed to be together.
Because if we were allultra-independent, it would be a
very scary world.
Indeed.
So, yes, you're allowed to notlike uh, you know, how I'm
living my life.
You're allowed to do that.
And I love you still, and I'mstill gonna do it my way.
(07:02):
Exactly.
Speaker (07:03):
Exactly.
Okay.
And I think part of it is isreally about building that
self-trust that allows you toebb and flow.
I I think where we've kind ofgone astray with boundaries and
so much therapy speak in ourcommon language is that it's
become very black and white,very all or nothing.
And I think that's in largepart, I mean, the nature of pop
(07:27):
psychology and the nature oflike so much of what we're
learning these days is from like90-second reels.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Yeah.
Speaker (07:35):
Right.
And so we're we're learning,set boundaries, tell them no,
preserve your peace.
And and there's the nuance islost by nature of the medium,
right?
And so there's there's a lot ofnuance in the middle.
So my friend Sunai is one ofthe most thoughtful, practical
(07:56):
people in the world.
She was at my house a couple ofweeks ago and she said, Oh, you
need to change that, that, andthat.
And I said, See, senora, Ididn't even check in with myself
because I know she's right.
But did I question myself, putmyself down, make me less than?
Oh, God, no.
I just know when she's rightand I'm not, and I'm not even
gonna think about it becauseI've not done what she said
(08:18):
before.
And it wasn't a great choice.
Oh, I love friends like that.
They're great to talk about.
She's amazing.
I'll send her to your housenext.
I mean, she'll declutter.
You won't own a damn thing whenshe's done, but you'll be so
happy.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
So you obviously, I know when you write a book, you
have to, it's something that youwere probably up against so
much with the work that you do.
You are a family nursepractitioner, you are a somatic
experiencing practitioner, and asomatic life coach.
So you have clients, and youprobably saw this over and over
again, to the point that you'relike, I have to write about
(08:53):
this, right?
Yes.
So, where do you see in all ofthe years that you've been doing
this, where did you see thisbecome, where do you see the
problem is?
Speaker (09:04):
Yeah.
I actually really startedseeing it in clinic first.
I um so I had a, I was aprimary care provider for quite
a while and had a pri uh aholistic medicine clinic,
private practice in Manhattan.
And I would see folks withthese chronic belliaches, with
chronic stress, uh, not who werechronically fatigued, who had
(09:28):
like a lot of the chronic issuesthat Western medicine is is
challenged by.
Um and I would see folks getbetter under my care when we do
all the right lab tests, all theright diagnostics, all the
right nutrition, all the righteverything.
And they'd get better, have astressor, and then all the tummy
(09:49):
issues, all the fatigue, allthe rashes, right?
All the whatever it was wouldcome roaring back.
And I'm a nerdy nerd, right?
So I sort of sat down andstarted looking at the Venn
diagram of these experiences.
And it was so often so farbeyond the things we would think
(10:10):
about in clinic.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
It it was the promotion, andthen that throws your whole
sense of self and worth andvalue into question.
Uh, seeing your parents, um,starting to date someone, a
breakup, having a kid andbecoming this huge life
transition into motherhood andwhat that means for your
identity.
I mean, name the huge thing,the the knock-on impact on the
(10:34):
body was wild.
And so I did what I do becauseI'm the kind of New Yorker who
won't stop asking questions,right?
And I would just like anannoying toddler say, why, why,
why, why is this happening to mybaby?
Putting ourselves lastchronically and habitually,
because it's all we've beentaught.
(10:55):
It's all we've been taught.
It's all we've been taught.
What else are we gonna do?
Listen, the reason I came upwith the term and wrote the book
is because I'm so freaking sickand tired of people saying, uh,
you know, I'm just like such apeople pleaser.
Ugh, you know me, I'm such aperfectionist.
Oh, there I am, beingcodependent again.
(11:16):
That's how I am.
Baby, no, no, no, no, no, no,no, no.
We have to stop with this is myidentity, this is my label,
this is how I am.
No, mi amor.
These are survival skills thatyou're right.
Thank you, thank you, thankyou.
But like for real.
I'm so tired.
I'm tired.
(11:37):
You are not codependent.
I am not codependent.
I've never met a person who iscodependent because that's
baloney.
It's not, it's not apersonality, it's a survival
skill.
And you were a friggingbrilliant little kiddo for
figuring that out.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
And we need to celebrate you.
I want to repeat what you justsaid.
It is not a personality, it isa survival skill.
Exactly.
That is so true.
I feel that in my body, I seeit all the time.
It is us surviving, gettingthrough all of the to-do list of
(12:18):
the uh just life.
Speaker (12:19):
Yeah.
Just life.
Just life.
And it's what happens when wegrow up in families where
generations of people, butparticularly our mothers, right?
Because like your mother andmine couldn't get a credit card
in their own name in the US in1973.
That's right.
I mean, right?
And we're unfortunately headedback that way these days.
(12:42):
But um yeah, so we've hadgenerations of women who grew up
subjugate to men, doing theirbest to friggin' get by.
No wonder this is how we weretaught to be: to be small, play
small, to be responsible forother people's emotions, right?
To not relax if someone'supset, to constantly feel
(13:03):
compelled to like fixeverything, make sure everything
is perfect for everyone else,to apologize constantly, to
avoid conflict, to feelresentful, um, to not express
our feel.
I'm fine, I'm fine, don't worryabout it.
I'm totally fine.
How are you?
Yeah, let's talk about you.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
How are you, huh?
Right.
I want to tell you somethingthat I just noticed last year
when I would have people over atmy house.
I'm like obviously a designerby trade, but you know, and I am
an organized freak, but I wouldspend a lot of time getting the
house ready, the food ready,and whatever time I had left
(13:41):
over, I'd do my hair or makeup,whatever.
Yeah.
Because I thought it was moreimportant for the the guest and
the house to look good than me.
Yeah.
And I didn't even notice thatI've been doing this for
20-something years until likelast year.
And it's just like, wow.
I think I was, I just saw mygrandmother doing that all of my
life and my mom doing that allof my life.
(14:03):
And and then I thought, wheredoes this actually also
translate in my life?
Forget about the party in justevery day.
And I realized as much as Iwant to say that I'm a badass,
independent woman, I do it allday long and every day in small
microwaves.
Speaker (14:20):
Right.
And so then the question is mypoint of view is not, oh, God,
there is something wrong withyou.
Because who does that serve?
That just jacks your nervoussystem.
You're in sympatheticactivation, you're running from
lions, your cortisol's a hotmess.
That's not good for you, and itgets us nowhere.
Instead, from the assumptionthat you were born and currently
(14:42):
are completely freaking perfectand good and worthy of love and
safety and care, I'd ask, whatunmet need is being served
there?
Yeah.
Right?
Because you're way too smart todo something dumb.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Okay.
So let's yeah, it the the unmetneed would have been to be
looked at as like a perfect,like a perfection.
Like she's perfect, the houseis perfect, it's so clean, it
smells so good in here that thethe charcuterie plate's perfect.
Speaker (15:11):
She's perfect.
Yeah.
Beyond reproach.
Right.
Because that's often if we grewup in a household where we were
either overtly or covertlycriticized, negated, right?
If there was, if we were nevergood enough, either at home or
in the patriarchy white settlercolonialism and late stage
capitalism, which we are allsubject to, particularly as
(15:34):
women.
Yep.
Right?
Our bodies are our bodies areterrible and disgusting.
Way too fat unless they're waytoo skinny, way too muscular
unless they're way too weak,right?
But never, they're neversomething that's okay or good or
good enough.
And so, of course, we'resitting here thinking, I'm not
(15:55):
okay as I am.
Let me put all possible shadesof lipstick on everything so
that no one will come for me formy actual authentic self.
They'll just be looking at thecharcuterie board and the fancy
dress and the m napkins thatmatch the whatever.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Yeah.
Speaker (16:13):
It's pretty genius, actually.
It's true.
It's true.
Yeah.
It doesn't serve us, but it'sgenius.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
I I know a lot of women that are listening now and
men, hello, men.
Hi.
We all fall, you know, intothis category of wanting, you
know, to take care of the peoplethat we love, especially
especially our immediate family.
And there's only so many hoursin the day.
And then, and then you hear the90-second clips on TikTok and
(16:42):
Instagram of, you know, createthe boundaries, you know, you
know, put yourself first.
And you're like, okay, I'mgonna try this on tomorrow.
So the tomorrow rolls around,you create the boundary, and
everybody in your life is like,oh no, no, no, no, girl, you've
been doing that for me for 10years.
You're not gonna stop now.
And then you feel bad.
So somatically, how do you workwith somebody who starts
(17:04):
feeling that pressure?
Like, what are some stepssomebody can take when they do
feel that uncomfortableness?
Speaker (17:10):
Yeah.
So we got to back way up, likeway up.
So the first thing you do isn'tset a boundary with a boomer.
That's like that is we're gonnawait.
No boomer boundaries.
Listen, listen.
So we're gonna back this busway up, and we're gonna start
(17:32):
with interoception.
Okay, tell me.
Interoception is a term fromDr.
Stephen Porge's PhD.
Um, and it's all about feelingour own needs in our body, is
the sort of colloquialexplanation of it.
Um, when we've spent our wholelife oriented to others, not
oriented internally, we becomehyper-attuned to their emotions,
(17:53):
walking on eggshells,anticipating their needs before
they're spoken, and your nervoussystem wires itself to
prioritize external safety overinternal stability to the point
where you don't feel your ownneeds.
So, perfect example, mydarling.
How many times have you said,let me finish this spreadsheet
(18:14):
and then I'll pee?
A lot.
Yeah, a lot.
All of us have.
I'm not no judges, but justlike, come on.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Or or even better, I'm not gonna drink a lot of
water because I have so manyspreadsheets.
Speaker (18:29):
Right.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Oh, I'll eat later, it's fine.
Right?
Let me take care of them andthen I'll eat.
Yep.
Let me write do this and thenI'll rest.
I serve everyone before I servemyself.
100%.
100%.
Right.
And so we do that so lot muchfor so long that we actually
(18:52):
meld in a way with the peoplearound us, and we step into the
role confusion that is likereally at the core of emotional
outsourcing.
I don't know where you and Ibegin and end.
And taking care of you becomesthe core of my own identity.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Oh, yeah.
And that that feels good.
And as much as it's probablyhurting our cortisol and all
that, if there's a part of itthat there's a reward.
Speaker (19:18):
Of course.
Of course.
Until that person moves on orgoes to college or you get
divorced, or they're just havinga lousy day.
And because your entire senseof self is determined by how
they respond to you, then all ofa sudden you're having a lousy
day.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Holy moly.
Okay, the woman listening tothis who's in this situation
where she feels this so deep inher soul that she puts all of
her worth to her partner and ifthey have kids, and all of a
sudden it's just not workinganymore.
And she's exhausted andresentful and just miserable.
(19:55):
Now what?
Speaker (19:58):
She's got to get back in her body.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
What does that look like?
Speaker (20:01):
Yes.
So we're gonna start with threetimes a day, setting a reminder
on your phone, something you'llsee that reminds you to stop
and ask yourself, what am Ifeeling right now?
And your brain might go, uh Idon't know.
(20:23):
Or you might feel thisincredible urge to grab your
phone and start doom scrolling,or all of a sudden you might
need a cookie, right?
Like your old survival habitswill come rearing to the fore
when you do this.
And so we need to pinky promisehere and now on this podcast
that you're not gonna be ameanie pants to yourself.
You're not gonna be anotherperson treating you like crap,
(20:44):
but instead, you're gonna expectyour brain and your body to go,
oh my God, what?
No.
No.
And that's okay.
We are asking these questionsnot to get the answers.
The answer's not really thatimportant.
At 3:42 p.m.
on a Wednesday, you're feelinga little sad or like a little
(21:06):
bit angry.
It's the point's not that.
The point is for you toexperience you as the person who
asks you.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Do you see what that's doing?
I didn't know.
See, when you first were like,okay, ask, and then I'll come up
with.
So let's say I feeloverwhelmed.
Well, then I'll come up with asolution.
Is that the reason?
But you're like, no, no, no.
The reason is just to check inwith yourself.
Yes.
Got it.
Okay.
Speaker (21:31):
Yes.
So then once that feels alittle more comfortable, and
it's it for many of us, it'llfeel uncomfortable for years.
Okay, cool.
Once it feels a little morecomfortable, scan your body.
Where is their tension?
Where is their ease?
What sensations are present inthe body?
Again, if you've never donethis and it feels really
(21:53):
frickin' weird, okay.
That's what I'm expecting.
I'm not expecting the averagebear who's been outsourcing
really hard to be like, I'mfeeling the anger in my belly,
and it's like maroon.
You know what I mean?
Like that's advanced.
Nobody expects you to do that.
Yeah.
Be gentle.
Can you tell that I work withpeople who are really, really
mean to themselves?
Speaker 2 (22:15):
I mean, like in one way or another, we kind of are.
Speaker (22:19):
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
For sure.
And so here's this other vitalpart.
Whatever you notice, do onesmall thing that honors the
sensation in you.
So if your shoulders feeltight, roll them out a little.
If your chest feels constrictedbecause you're so angry and
(22:39):
you're trying not to punchsomeone at the PTA meeting, put
a hand on your chest.
Listen, I mean, it's a lot,right?
Rub your little chest, breatheinto your hand.
It doesn't matter if you'refeeling anxious or overwhelmed,
shake your hands.
Should stand up and shake yourwhole body.
Excuse yourself to the bathroomat work and do a full body
(23:02):
shake.
The point is.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
In the stall, guys, in the stall.
You don't need, you know,somebody from HR walking in.
Oh, you're start talking.
Speaker (23:13):
Right.
I'm getting people fired leftand right, which frankly may be
what they need, but that's awhole other conversation.
Um, so the more you practicenoticing yourself without
judgment, the stronger yourinternal reference point
becomes, which helps youremember that you are and can
again be the center of your ownfrigging universe.
(23:33):
And that's what we need.
Okay.
unknown (23:38):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Wait, but you said three things.
So what am I feeling?
Sensation and then honoring.
Oh, the honoring.
Speaker (23:45):
That was the yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And the honoring's reallyimportant, right?
Because we need our body torecognize that this isn't just
about the brain.
This isn't just more thinkythinky work that doesn't
actually resonate into beingmore present in your body, which
is vital.
So you you asked, you know,you're the woman who's been
putting herself last and youwant to start saying no, where
(24:07):
do we start?
We start with this.
So then your body knows thatyou've got your own back.
So down the road, when you setthat boundary, I hear you that
you're upset that I'm no longeravailable to do X, Y, Z for you.
I love you so much.
And I've been feeling resentfulof you, and that's not kind.
Good, healthy boundaries areresentment prevention.
(24:29):
I only want to feel lovetowards you.
So I'm gonna ask you if I'meating dinner and you are eight
years old or 18 years old or 56years old, you can get up and
get that from the fridgeyourself.
Okay.
Um just saying.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Let's roll play.
But then the person says, Whatdo you mean you've been
resentful?
Why do you tell me?
Speaker (24:53):
That's rude.
I hear you.
And if I'd had the skills totell you earlier, I would have.
I, you know, it would have beenreally great if I could have,
huh?
But I didn't really recognizeit.
And um, I recognize it now.
So I'm telling you with all thelove in my heart that I only
want to feel kind things towardsyou.
So this, this, and this will bedifferent from now on.
(25:14):
Okay.
But you're right.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
I wish I'm rolling and I'm already uncomfortable.
Speaker (25:19):
You're welcome.
Anytime.
I'll make you.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
I just feel like a lot of people are gonna be
listening.
Like, I feel like it's simple.
Just not easy, though.
It's simple and powerful.
Speaker (25:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
And we just don't do it enough.
We just don't do it enough.
Speaker (25:40):
We don't, and we are trained not to.
Yeah.
We are trained not to.
We are trained not to.
So we get to retrain ournervous system to feel safe in
boundaries.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Do you feel like you constantly you personally have
boundaries with everyone in yourlife?
Speaker (25:57):
I'll be honest with you, I don't really have people
in my life that I need to haveboundaries with.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Okay, talk.
Okay, well, you justcongratulations.
That's just amazing.
I don't, I think that there's alot of people who maybe have
friendships that have expiredthat are still around, or the
mother-in-law that opens up thecabinets, or or even worse,
coming into the house withoutasking.
You know, there are people thatmaybe you have in your life
(26:26):
that like not my mother-in-law.
So Kathy, if you're listening,I'm not talking about you.
Speaker (26:32):
We love you, Kathy.
We love you, Kathy.
We love you, Kathy.
She's great.
What a champ.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Yeah.
But if they have somebody who'sjust like, you can't get rid of
them.
You have to have that, likewhat happens then?
Speaker (26:44):
That's when we do need to practice feeling safe in our
bodies while setting a boundary.
And I want to say the practicein my world starts with safety
because rejection, abandonment,and danger spike our nervous
system into sympatheticactivation, which is that fight
or flight alliance coming.
Um, and what we get torecognize is that's a nervous
(27:05):
system imprint.
It's just like a stamp on ourRNR nervous system.
It's not factual.
Right.
And so we can really show thenervous system through somatics,
body-based practices, that theboundary doesn't mean the end of
love.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
The boundary does not mean the end of love.
Speaker (27:24):
Nope.
That's right.
It doesn't have to, and itmight actually with some people,
but wow, isn't that greatinformation to have?
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
Absolutely.
I think if somebody has a majorpro problem with your boundary,
like to the point that it'sruining your relationship, that
needs to just be acknowledged.
100%.
Speaker (27:46):
Because the people who love you, really love you, want
you to be happy.
Yeah.
Because again, boundaries areresentment prevention.
Yes.
Right.
And boundaries.
So I teach that boundaries arealways in the mathematical
framework of if you do X, I willdo Y.
Yeah.
So it's never about me evenattempting to control you how
(28:08):
you feel, what you do, what youthink, because that's not my
business.
I'm not involved in that.
But I'm, if you raise yourvoice at me, I will leave the
conversation.
I'm not available to be yelledat, not having it, not
interesting.
Made a that's true.
That's true.
(28:28):
I mean, we Argentines are knownfor a good yell too.
But uh no, I get it.
I get it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The disrespect.
It's the disrespect.
It's the tone of disrespect, iswhat I'm not available for.
We yell with love.
That's different.
Yeah.
And I think that's important.
Yelling versus yelling at.
Like I swear like a drunkensailor.
I'm an Argentine New Yorker,right?
(28:50):
But I will not be sworn at.
Right.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Right, right.
Right.
I get it.
No, I get the difference.
No, I know you still.
And so obviously the book's outfor everyone.
It's end emotional outsourcing.
It was out in September, whichmeans by the time you're
listening to this, which is nextweek, um, it's already out.
Your website too, people canfind.
But let's say somebody'slistening to this, they've
they're they've ordered thebook, it's not here yet.
(29:16):
They want to start working onthis immediately.
Is there like, what do you doon a daily practice?
Is it meditation?
Is it journaling?
What exercises do you recommendfor people?
Speaker (29:28):
Yeah.
So once you've ordered yourcopy, if you go to my website,
Beatriz, B-E-A-T-R-I-Z,Albina.com slash book, you can
order the book there from theretailer of your choice.
And you can download a wholesuite of journaling exercises.
There's an audio meditation youcan download for free just to
(29:49):
say thank you for supporting afirst time author.
It's every single order is areally big deal for a new
author.
It helps the book get intopublic libraries.
Um guys, if you're listening,
Speaker 2 (30:00):
I it's such a because I just finished my first book.
It's not out yet, but it Ididn't realize how important the
odd like so any support you cangive.
And if you're interested inthis, please do buy the book
because it really matters.
But go ahead.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Speaker (30:15):
Yeah.
Do you know that thatparticularly pre-orders and
early orders help determinewhether the book ends up in
public libraries or not?
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Yeah.
Speaker (30:23):
Which is so bananas.
I wrote the book so that itwould end up in, you know, get
to libraries and get translated,because like our moms need
this, but um so um dailypractices, I've got you on that.
I've got lots of free thingsyou can download um right on my
website because, you know, somepeople love a guided meditation,
(30:44):
some nervous systems don't,right?
If you've been frozen, checkedout, not present, it might be
really hard to tap into.
And journaling could be a greatway for you to come back to
yourself.
And so I have lots and lots ofjournal exercises.
There's also a ton in the bookitself at the end of every
single chapter.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
When you said like meditation could be really hard
for somebody, I have noticedtoo.
Um, have you noticed that withyour clients that people like
the meditation is scary becauseof the calming down?
Like when you are in your head,you're like, I don't want to be
there.
unknown (31:20):
Oh yeah.
Speaker (31:21):
Oh yeah.
Especially people in withdepression or anxiety going on.
It's it's a really scary thingto be present with all that
noise.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so movement is often theplace I take, folks.
So in my programs and with myclients, I offer breathwork
meditation uh at least once amonth.
And then every other week wehave a dance party.
(31:43):
Oh, I think that's a good idea.
And this is it's amazing.
I like worst/slash best of the80s and 90s.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
I love that.
I want to come.
Speaker (31:52):
Come anytime.
It would be a delight to haveyou.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
So people can go on like Zoom.
Speaker (31:57):
Yeah, I mean, the people in my programs, yeah.
They come to Zoom and we dancefor an hour, half hour, an hour.
You can come for a song or twoon your lunch break or in an
evening.
It's it's a delight and it's away to get back into your body
that's really non-threatening.
Because like what Gloria Stefando to you?
Hello.
(32:17):
Who does Stefan?
Fools.
Fools.
That's the only possibleanswer.
Fools.
Amen.
So I rarely judge.
That's my whole thing.
I am compassionate and loving.
But if you don't like Gloria,we don't need to talk.
We don't need to talk.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
You know, I love her because she's Cuban.
Speaker (32:36):
Listen, and she's perfection.
I know.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
I am so grateful for you.
I, if you're listening, I asalways will have all of the
information on the notes, um,including websites, the all of
the meditations, the journalingprompts.
Um, thank you so much.
I feel like this is reallyimportant.
The somatic part of connectingto yourself, I have to be
(33:00):
honest, I don't do very muchbecause I'm too busy.
So, and then what ends uphappening is what you were
saying, I get stomach aches, Iget headaches.
And it is the connection toyourself and and and just the
few minutes a day, I think is soimportant.
Speaker (33:16):
It's so important, and it really doesn't take much.
Like that's the thing, youknow, like the three-step thing
I was recommending that can take20 seconds three times a day.
There's no excuse not to do it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's it's it it's a good safeplace to start that is unlikely
(33:39):
to freak most nervous systemsout.
Yeah.
So I recommend it.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
And I love that you're giving everyone options,
like if meditation's too much,the journaling, blah, blah,
blah.
So there's any way to connect,reconnect with you.
Again, the book is endemotional outsourcing.
Show the book.
Isn't she pretty?
It is very pretty.
I actually love that uh cover.
It's so emotional, like it's somodern and beautifully
(34:03):
designed, colorful.
It's right up my alley.
Um, Bea, thank you so much.
I appreciate you.
Thank you so much.
If you're listening to this,please rate and review.
Please do support Bea with herbook.
I'm sure you can get out onKindle too if you want it.
Yeah, for sure.
And I narrated the audiobook.
Speaker (34:22):
Oh, great.
How fun is that?
Speaker 2 (34:24):
And you've got a great voice, too.
Okay, I'll thank you again.
Everyone, connect with her, andI'll see you next time.
Welcome to Redesigning Life.
I'm your host, Sabrina Soto,and this is the space where we
have honest conversations aboutpersonal growth, mindset shifts,
and creating a life that feelstruly aligned.
In each episode, I'll talk toexperts in their field who share
their insights to help you stepinto your higher self.
Let's redesign your life fromthe inside out.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Hi, and welcome to Redesigning Life.
Today I am thrilled to welcomeBeatriz Victoria Albina.
Beatriz just released her bookcalled End Emotional
Outsourcing.
Beatriz, thank you so much forbeing here today.
I really want to get startedbecause I have so many questions
for you, but thank you so muchfor being here.
Speaker (00:41):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm delighted to be here.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
I feel like this is going to be a really powerful
conversation.
Most of my listeners are verysuccessful women who deal with
burnout and people pleasing.
And you coined a term andemotional outsourcing.
Can you just right off the batexplain exactly what that is?
Because I know Oprah, as youmentioned, just spoke about
(01:05):
this.
So I feel like whatever Oprahis talking about matters.
Speaker (01:09):
That's amazing thank you, thank you, thank you.
Uh yeah, I was really sograteful.
Oprah picked the term up.
That's a pretty funny deal.
Congratulations.
It's a good get.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So emotional outsourcing is theterm I created as an umbrella
term for our codependent,perfectionist, and
people-pleasing habits.
And notice I'm talking abouthabits, not identities, not who
(01:32):
we are, habits.
And we'll get into that more ina second.
But first we'll define theterm.
So emotional outsourcing iswhen we chronically and
habitually source our sense ofthe three vital human needs:
safety, belonging, and worthfrom everyone and everything
outside of ourselves instead offrom within at a great cost to
(01:57):
self.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
So when I hear you say that, I'm like, okay, I want
to pretend that I don't dothat.
But aren't we raised in asociety where, you know, it's
like your job, your kids, yourawards, your whatever, like fill
in the blank gives you a senseof worth.
Speaker (02:17):
100%.
Yeah.
I think most of us are raisedup to completely externalize our
sense of worth, our sense ofvalue, our sense of importance.
And here in the West, it's verymuch towards productivity.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Yes.
Speaker (02:31):
Right?
Productivity over everything.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Over everything.
And I have actually beendealing with just noticing that
in my own life a lot.
Um, I was asked the other dayabout what my hobbies are, and I
realize I don't have anyhobbies because I'm always
productive.
So can you explain to me whenyou don't outsource your
emotional like worth or any ofyour worth to somebody else?
(02:56):
What does that even look like?
Speaker (02:58):
I love, can I just love that you went there?
So often I'm asked, tell meabout the problem, right?
And we spend all this timewallowing in what's wrong.
And it's a really beautifulshift that you want to start
with imagining what can be.
So thank you for that.
That's um it gives a lovelytone to our conversation.
So when you are not emotionaloutsourcing, you are living in
(03:21):
interdependence.
So people often think if I'mindependent, then I can't have
codependent habits.
But they're really just twosides of the same coin.
Um in interdependence, you knowyourself and others to be
autonomous creatures.
Uh, and from your autonomy andyour grounded, embodied sense of
(03:43):
self, we live in mutuality andreciprocity with the people
around us.
Meaning, I do all kinds of nicethings, kind things, loving
things, generous things for thepeople in my world.
And they do the same for me,but not from tit for tat, not
from with all I've done for you.
Oh no, no.
We do it from love, right?
We give from our emotionaloverflow, we give from our
(04:07):
capacity and not at a cost toself, right?
Right.
Um, we don't question whetherpeople like us.
We don't question if we've donesomething wrong.
You know, that whole like, areyou mad at me?
Did I do something wrong?
Oh God, you know, you didn'trespond to my text for like 27
minutes.
And so I'm just wondering if,like, do you hate me, Sabria?
Do you do you?
Do you hate me?
(04:27):
Right.
That's you do.
Okay, great, good, perfect.
As long as you hate me, we canmove.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Bring that up.
I I know that feeling all thetime, right?
Speaker (04:38):
Yeah.
And so instead, we can just beourselves.
We can just be exactly who weare and dress how we like, talk
how we like, do what we like inour lives for ourselves, not to
please others or try to likeemotionally manipulate them,
which is so much of what we'redoing in emotional outsourcing
(05:00):
without even realizing it.
What were you saying, love?
Is it ultra confidence?
It's yes and, right?
It's confidence that'sembodied, meaning it's grounded
in the body.
Okay, right?
Because we can yeah, because wecan tell the story.
I'm so confident.
But what happens then whensomebody pushes up against your
(05:22):
no or your boundary, right?
Do you fold like an origamiswan?
Right.
It feels like shit.
Exactly.
Okay, oh God, we I have so manythings.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Like my non sequitur brains all over the place.
I love it, I love it.
I'll follow, I'll follow.
Okay, go.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because I was at an event lastweek about boundaries.
My friend Terry Cole, she likewro wrote the book Boundary
Boss.
We were talking aboutboundaries, and when you do
sometimes create thoseboundaries with the people you
(05:53):
love, sometimes you it feelsawful because they are mad.
So you're somatically, it feelslike pressure.
Um, and so how how do you gethow do you fight that feeling to
go back to being like, oh,forget it, forget it.
When you don't emotionallyoutsource your worth of somebody
(06:16):
else's liking you, how do likehow do you dance that dance?
Speaker (06:20):
Yeah, you recognize that it's completely human and
normal to care what othersthink.
We're pack animals.
We need each other.
Of course, I care.
And I don't care about youropinion, about my life, more
than I care about my opinion.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
So, yes, I care because we're supposed to be in
community and and we all aresupposed to be together.
Because if we were allultra-independent, it would be a
very scary world.
Indeed.
So, yes, you're allowed to notlike uh, you know, how I'm
living my life.
You're allowed to do that.
And I love you still, and I'mstill gonna do it my way.
(07:02):
Exactly.
Speaker (07:03):
Exactly.
Okay.
And I think part of it is isreally about building that
self-trust that allows you toebb and flow.
I I think where we've kind ofgone astray with boundaries and
so much therapy speak in ourcommon language is that it's
become very black and white,very all or nothing.
And I think that's in largepart, I mean, the nature of pop
(07:27):
psychology and the nature oflike so much of what we're
learning these days is from like90-second reels.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Yeah.
Speaker (07:35):
Right.
And so we're we're learning,set boundaries, tell them no,
preserve your peace.
And and there's the nuance islost by nature of the medium,
right?
And so there's there's a lot ofnuance in the middle.
So my friend Sunai is one ofthe most thoughtful, practical
(07:56):
people in the world.
She was at my house a couple ofweeks ago and she said, Oh, you
need to change that, that, andthat.
And I said, See, senora, Ididn't even check in with myself
because I know she's right.
But did I question myself, putmyself down, make me less than?
Oh, God, no.
I just know when she's rightand I'm not, and I'm not even
gonna think about it becauseI've not done what she said
(08:18):
before.
And it wasn't a great choice.
Oh, I love friends like that.
They're great to talk about.
She's amazing.
I'll send her to your housenext.
I mean, she'll declutter.
You won't own a damn thing whenshe's done, but you'll be so
happy.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
So you obviously, I know when you write a book, you
have to, it's something that youwere probably up against so
much with the work that you do.
You are a family nursepractitioner, you are a somatic
experiencing practitioner, and asomatic life coach.
So you have clients, and youprobably saw this over and over
again, to the point that you'relike, I have to write about
(08:53):
this, right?
Yes.
So, where do you see in all ofthe years that you've been doing
this, where did you see thisbecome, where do you see the
problem is?
Speaker (09:04):
Yeah.
I actually really startedseeing it in clinic first.
I um so I had a, I was aprimary care provider for quite
a while and had a pri uh aholistic medicine clinic,
private practice in Manhattan.
And I would see folks withthese chronic belliaches, with
chronic stress, uh, not who werechronically fatigued, who had
(09:28):
like a lot of the chronic issuesthat Western medicine is is
challenged by.
Um and I would see folks getbetter under my care when we do
all the right lab tests, all theright diagnostics, all the
right nutrition, all the righteverything.
And they'd get better, have astressor, and then all the tummy
(09:49):
issues, all the fatigue, allthe rashes, right?
All the whatever it was wouldcome roaring back.
And I'm a nerdy nerd, right?
So I sort of sat down andstarted looking at the Venn
diagram of these experiences.
And it was so often so farbeyond the things we would think
(10:10):
about in clinic.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
It it was the promotion, andthen that throws your whole
sense of self and worth andvalue into question.
Uh, seeing your parents, um,starting to date someone, a
breakup, having a kid andbecoming this huge life
transition into motherhood andwhat that means for your
identity.
I mean, name the huge thing,the the knock-on impact on the
(10:34):
body was wild.
And so I did what I do becauseI'm the kind of New Yorker who
won't stop asking questions,right?
And I would just like anannoying toddler say, why, why,
why, why is this happening to mybaby?
Putting ourselves lastchronically and habitually,
because it's all we've beentaught.
(10:55):
It's all we've been taught.
It's all we've been taught.
What else are we gonna do?
Listen, the reason I came upwith the term and wrote the book
is because I'm so freaking sickand tired of people saying, uh,
you know, I'm just like such apeople pleaser.
Ugh, you know me, I'm such aperfectionist.
Oh, there I am, beingcodependent again.
(11:16):
That's how I am.
Baby, no, no, no, no, no, no,no, no.
We have to stop with this is myidentity, this is my label,
this is how I am.
No, mi amor.
These are survival skills thatyou're right.
Thank you, thank you, thankyou.
But like for real.
I'm so tired.
I'm tired.
(11:37):
You are not codependent.
I am not codependent.
I've never met a person who iscodependent because that's
baloney.
It's not, it's not apersonality, it's a survival
skill.
And you were a friggingbrilliant little kiddo for
figuring that out.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
And we need to celebrate you.
I want to repeat what you justsaid.
It is not a personality, it isa survival skill.
Exactly.
That is so true.
I feel that in my body, I seeit all the time.
It is us surviving, gettingthrough all of the to-do list of
(12:18):
the uh just life.
Speaker (12:19):
Yeah.
Just life.
Just life.
And it's what happens when wegrow up in families where
generations of people, butparticularly our mothers, right?
Because like your mother andmine couldn't get a credit card
in their own name in the US in1973.
That's right.
I mean, right?
And we're unfortunately headedback that way these days.
(12:42):
But um yeah, so we've hadgenerations of women who grew up
subjugate to men, doing theirbest to friggin' get by.
No wonder this is how we weretaught to be: to be small, play
small, to be responsible forother people's emotions, right?
To not relax if someone'supset, to constantly feel
(13:03):
compelled to like fixeverything, make sure everything
is perfect for everyone else,to apologize constantly, to
avoid conflict, to feelresentful, um, to not express
our feel.
I'm fine, I'm fine, don't worryabout it.
I'm totally fine.
How are you?
Yeah, let's talk about you.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
How are you, huh?
Right.
I want to tell you somethingthat I just noticed last year
when I would have people over atmy house.
I'm like obviously a designerby trade, but you know, and I am
an organized freak, but I wouldspend a lot of time getting the
house ready, the food ready,and whatever time I had left
(13:41):
over, I'd do my hair or makeup,whatever.
Yeah.
Because I thought it was moreimportant for the the guest and
the house to look good than me.
Yeah.
And I didn't even notice thatI've been doing this for
20-something years until likelast year.
And it's just like, wow.
I think I was, I just saw mygrandmother doing that all of my
life and my mom doing that allof my life.
(14:03):
And and then I thought, wheredoes this actually also
translate in my life?
Forget about the party in justevery day.
And I realized as much as Iwant to say that I'm a badass,
independent woman, I do it allday long and every day in small
microwaves.
Speaker (14:20):
Right.
And so then the question is mypoint of view is not, oh, God,
there is something wrong withyou.
Because who does that serve?
That just jacks your nervoussystem.
You're in sympatheticactivation, you're running from
lions, your cortisol's a hotmess.
That's not good for you, and itgets us nowhere.
Instead, from the assumptionthat you were born and currently
(14:42):
are completely freaking perfectand good and worthy of love and
safety and care, I'd ask, whatunmet need is being served
there?
Yeah.
Right?
Because you're way too smart todo something dumb.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Okay.
So let's yeah, it the the unmetneed would have been to be
looked at as like a perfect,like a perfection.
Like she's perfect, the houseis perfect, it's so clean, it
smells so good in here that thethe charcuterie plate's perfect.
Speaker (15:11):
She's perfect.
Yeah.
Beyond reproach.
Right.
Because that's often if we grewup in a household where we were
either overtly or covertlycriticized, negated, right?
If there was, if we were nevergood enough, either at home or
in the patriarchy white settlercolonialism and late stage
capitalism, which we are allsubject to, particularly as
(15:34):
women.
Yep.
Right?
Our bodies are our bodies areterrible and disgusting.
Way too fat unless they're waytoo skinny, way too muscular
unless they're way too weak,right?
But never, they're neversomething that's okay or good or
good enough.
And so, of course, we'resitting here thinking, I'm not
(15:55):
okay as I am.
Let me put all possible shadesof lipstick on everything so
that no one will come for me formy actual authentic self.
They'll just be looking at thecharcuterie board and the fancy
dress and the m napkins thatmatch the whatever.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Yeah.
Speaker (16:13):
It's pretty genius, actually.
It's true.
It's true.
Yeah.
It doesn't serve us, but it'sgenius.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
I I know a lot of women that are listening now and
men, hello, men.
Hi.
We all fall, you know, intothis category of wanting, you
know, to take care of the peoplethat we love, especially
especially our immediate family.
And there's only so many hoursin the day.
And then, and then you hear the90-second clips on TikTok and
(16:42):
Instagram of, you know, createthe boundaries, you know, you
know, put yourself first.
And you're like, okay, I'mgonna try this on tomorrow.
So the tomorrow rolls around,you create the boundary, and
everybody in your life is like,oh no, no, no, no, girl, you've
been doing that for me for 10years.
You're not gonna stop now.
And then you feel bad.
So somatically, how do you workwith somebody who starts
(17:04):
feeling that pressure?
Like, what are some stepssomebody can take when they do
feel that uncomfortableness?
Speaker (17:10):
Yeah.
So we got to back way up, likeway up.
So the first thing you do isn'tset a boundary with a boomer.
That's like that is we're gonnawait.
No boomer boundaries.
Listen, listen.
So we're gonna back this busway up, and we're gonna start
(17:32):
with interoception.
Okay, tell me.
Interoception is a term fromDr.
Stephen Porge's PhD.
Um, and it's all about feelingour own needs in our body, is
the sort of colloquialexplanation of it.
Um, when we've spent our wholelife oriented to others, not
oriented internally, we becomehyper-attuned to their emotions,
(17:53):
walking on eggshells,anticipating their needs before
they're spoken, and your nervoussystem wires itself to
prioritize external safety overinternal stability to the point
where you don't feel your ownneeds.
So, perfect example, mydarling.
How many times have you said,let me finish this spreadsheet
(18:14):
and then I'll pee?
A lot.
Yeah, a lot.
All of us have.
I'm not no judges, but justlike, come on.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Or or even better, I'm not gonna drink a lot of
water because I have so manyspreadsheets.
Speaker (18:29):
Right.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Oh, I'll eat later, it's fine.
Right?
Let me take care of them andthen I'll eat.
Yep.
Let me write do this and thenI'll rest.
I serve everyone before I servemyself.
100%.
100%.
Right.
And so we do that so lot muchfor so long that we actually
(18:52):
meld in a way with the peoplearound us, and we step into the
role confusion that is likereally at the core of emotional
outsourcing.
I don't know where you and Ibegin and end.
And taking care of you becomesthe core of my own identity.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Oh, yeah.
And that that feels good.
And as much as it's probablyhurting our cortisol and all
that, if there's a part of itthat there's a reward.
Speaker (19:18):
Of course.
Of course.
Until that person moves on orgoes to college or you get
divorced, or they're just havinga lousy day.
And because your entire senseof self is determined by how
they respond to you, then all ofa sudden you're having a lousy
day.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Holy moly.
Okay, the woman listening tothis who's in this situation
where she feels this so deep inher soul that she puts all of
her worth to her partner and ifthey have kids, and all of a
sudden it's just not workinganymore.
And she's exhausted andresentful and just miserable.
(19:55):
Now what?
Speaker (19:58):
She's got to get back in her body.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
What does that look like?
Speaker (20:01):
Yes.
So we're gonna start with threetimes a day, setting a reminder
on your phone, something you'llsee that reminds you to stop
and ask yourself, what am Ifeeling right now?
And your brain might go, uh Idon't know.
(20:23):
Or you might feel thisincredible urge to grab your
phone and start doom scrolling,or all of a sudden you might
need a cookie, right?
Like your old survival habitswill come rearing to the fore
when you do this.
And so we need to pinky promisehere and now on this podcast
that you're not gonna be ameanie pants to yourself.
You're not gonna be anotherperson treating you like crap,
(20:44):
but instead, you're gonna expectyour brain and your body to go,
oh my God, what?
No.
No.
And that's okay.
We are asking these questionsnot to get the answers.
The answer's not really thatimportant.
At 3:42 p.m.
on a Wednesday, you're feelinga little sad or like a little
(21:06):
bit angry.
It's the point's not that.
The point is for you toexperience you as the person who
asks you.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Do you see what that's doing?
I didn't know.
See, when you first were like,okay, ask, and then I'll come up
with.
So let's say I feeloverwhelmed.
Well, then I'll come up with asolution.
Is that the reason?
But you're like, no, no, no.
The reason is just to check inwith yourself.
Yes.
Got it.
Okay.
Speaker (21:31):
Yes.
So then once that feels alittle more comfortable, and
it's it for many of us, it'llfeel uncomfortable for years.
Okay, cool.
Once it feels a little morecomfortable, scan your body.
Where is their tension?
Where is their ease?
What sensations are present inthe body?
Again, if you've never donethis and it feels really
(21:53):
frickin' weird, okay.
That's what I'm expecting.
I'm not expecting the averagebear who's been outsourcing
really hard to be like, I'mfeeling the anger in my belly,
and it's like maroon.
You know what I mean?
Like that's advanced.
Nobody expects you to do that.
Yeah.
Be gentle.
Can you tell that I work withpeople who are really, really
mean to themselves?
Speaker 2 (22:15):
I mean, like in one way or another, we kind of are.
Speaker (22:19):
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
For sure.
And so here's this other vitalpart.
Whatever you notice, do onesmall thing that honors the
sensation in you.
So if your shoulders feeltight, roll them out a little.
If your chest feels constrictedbecause you're so angry and
(22:39):
you're trying not to punchsomeone at the PTA meeting, put
a hand on your chest.
Listen, I mean, it's a lot,right?
Rub your little chest, breatheinto your hand.
It doesn't matter if you'refeeling anxious or overwhelmed,
shake your hands.
Should stand up and shake yourwhole body.
Excuse yourself to the bathroomat work and do a full body
(23:02):
shake.
The point is.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
In the stall, guys, in the stall.
You don't need, you know,somebody from HR walking in.
Oh, you're start talking.
Speaker (23:13):
Right.
I'm getting people fired leftand right, which frankly may be
what they need, but that's awhole other conversation.
Um, so the more you practicenoticing yourself without
judgment, the stronger yourinternal reference point
becomes, which helps youremember that you are and can
again be the center of your ownfrigging universe.
(23:33):
And that's what we need.
Okay.
unknown (23:38):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Wait, but you said three things.
So what am I feeling?
Sensation and then honoring.
Oh, the honoring.
Speaker (23:45):
That was the yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And the honoring's reallyimportant, right?
Because we need our body torecognize that this isn't just
about the brain.
This isn't just more thinkythinky work that doesn't
actually resonate into beingmore present in your body, which
is vital.
So you you asked, you know,you're the woman who's been
putting herself last and youwant to start saying no, where
(24:07):
do we start?
We start with this.
So then your body knows thatyou've got your own back.
So down the road, when you setthat boundary, I hear you that
you're upset that I'm no longeravailable to do X, Y, Z for you.
I love you so much.
And I've been feeling resentfulof you, and that's not kind.
Good, healthy boundaries areresentment prevention.
(24:29):
I only want to feel lovetowards you.
So I'm gonna ask you if I'meating dinner and you are eight
years old or 18 years old or 56years old, you can get up and
get that from the fridgeyourself.
Okay.
Um just saying.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Let's roll play.
But then the person says, Whatdo you mean you've been
resentful?
Why do you tell me?
Speaker (24:53):
That's rude.
I hear you.
And if I'd had the skills totell you earlier, I would have.
I, you know, it would have beenreally great if I could have,
huh?
But I didn't really recognizeit.
And um, I recognize it now.
So I'm telling you with all thelove in my heart that I only
want to feel kind things towardsyou.
So this, this, and this will bedifferent from now on.
(25:14):
Okay.
But you're right.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
I wish I'm rolling and I'm already uncomfortable.
Speaker (25:19):
You're welcome.
Anytime.
I'll make you.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
I just feel like a lot of people are gonna be
listening.
Like, I feel like it's simple.
Just not easy, though.
It's simple and powerful.
Speaker (25:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
And we just don't do it enough.
We just don't do it enough.
Speaker (25:40):
We don't, and we are trained not to.
Yeah.
We are trained not to.
We are trained not to.
So we get to retrain ournervous system to feel safe in
boundaries.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Do you feel like you constantly you personally have
boundaries with everyone in yourlife?
Speaker (25:57):
I'll be honest with you, I don't really have people
in my life that I need to haveboundaries with.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Okay, talk.
Okay, well, you justcongratulations.
That's just amazing.
I don't, I think that there's alot of people who maybe have
friendships that have expiredthat are still around, or the
mother-in-law that opens up thecabinets, or or even worse,
coming into the house withoutasking.
You know, there are people thatmaybe you have in your life
(26:26):
that like not my mother-in-law.
So Kathy, if you're listening,I'm not talking about you.
Speaker (26:32):
We love you, Kathy.
We love you, Kathy.
We love you, Kathy.
She's great.
What a champ.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Yeah.
But if they have somebody who'sjust like, you can't get rid of
them.
You have to have that, likewhat happens then?
Speaker (26:44):
That's when we do need to practice feeling safe in our
bodies while setting a boundary.
And I want to say the practicein my world starts with safety
because rejection, abandonment,and danger spike our nervous
system into sympatheticactivation, which is that fight
or flight alliance coming.
Um, and what we get torecognize is that's a nervous
(27:05):
system imprint.
It's just like a stamp on ourRNR nervous system.
It's not factual.
Right.
And so we can really show thenervous system through somatics,
body-based practices, that theboundary doesn't mean the end of
love.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
The boundary does not mean the end of love.
Speaker (27:24):
Nope.
That's right.
It doesn't have to, and itmight actually with some people,
but wow, isn't that greatinformation to have?
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
Absolutely.
I think if somebody has a majorpro problem with your boundary,
like to the point that it'sruining your relationship, that
needs to just be acknowledged.
100%.
Speaker (27:46):
Because the people who love you, really love you, want
you to be happy.
Yeah.
Because again, boundaries areresentment prevention.
Yes.
Right.
And boundaries.
So I teach that boundaries arealways in the mathematical
framework of if you do X, I willdo Y.
Yeah.
So it's never about me evenattempting to control you how
(28:08):
you feel, what you do, what youthink, because that's not my
business.
I'm not involved in that.
But I'm, if you raise yourvoice at me, I will leave the
conversation.
I'm not available to be yelledat, not having it, not
interesting.
Made a that's true.
That's true.
(28:28):
I mean, we Argentines are knownfor a good yell too.
But uh no, I get it.
I get it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The disrespect.
It's the disrespect.
It's the tone of disrespect, iswhat I'm not available for.
We yell with love.
That's different.
Yeah.
And I think that's important.
Yelling versus yelling at.
Like I swear like a drunkensailor.
I'm an Argentine New Yorker,right?
(28:50):
But I will not be sworn at.
Right.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Right, right.
Right.
I get it.
No, I get the difference.
No, I know you still.
And so obviously the book's outfor everyone.
It's end emotional outsourcing.
It was out in September, whichmeans by the time you're
listening to this, which is nextweek, um, it's already out.
Your website too, people canfind.
But let's say somebody'slistening to this, they've
they're they've ordered thebook, it's not here yet.
(29:16):
They want to start working onthis immediately.
Is there like, what do you doon a daily practice?
Is it meditation?
Is it journaling?
What exercises do you recommendfor people?
Speaker (29:28):
Yeah.
So once you've ordered yourcopy, if you go to my website,
Beatriz, B-E-A-T-R-I-Z,Albina.com slash book, you can
order the book there from theretailer of your choice.
And you can download a wholesuite of journaling exercises.
There's an audio meditation youcan download for free just to
(29:49):
say thank you for supporting afirst time author.
It's every single order is areally big deal for a new
author.
It helps the book get intopublic libraries.
Um guys, if you're listening,
Speaker 2 (30:00):
I it's such a because I just finished my first book.
It's not out yet, but it Ididn't realize how important the
odd like so any support you cangive.
And if you're interested inthis, please do buy the book
because it really matters.
But go ahead.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Speaker (30:15):
Yeah.
Do you know that thatparticularly pre-orders and
early orders help determinewhether the book ends up in
public libraries or not?
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Yeah.
Speaker (30:23):
Which is so bananas.
I wrote the book so that itwould end up in, you know, get
to libraries and get translated,because like our moms need
this, but um so um dailypractices, I've got you on that.
I've got lots of free thingsyou can download um right on my
website because, you know, somepeople love a guided meditation,
(30:44):
some nervous systems don't,right?
If you've been frozen, checkedout, not present, it might be
really hard to tap into.
And journaling could be a greatway for you to come back to
yourself.
And so I have lots and lots ofjournal exercises.
There's also a ton in the bookitself at the end of every
single chapter.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
When you said like meditation could be really hard
for somebody, I have noticedtoo.
Um, have you noticed that withyour clients that people like
the meditation is scary becauseof the calming down?
Like when you are in your head,you're like, I don't want to be
there.
unknown (31:20):
Oh yeah.
Speaker (31:21):
Oh yeah.
Especially people in withdepression or anxiety going on.
It's it's a really scary thingto be present with all that
noise.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so movement is often theplace I take, folks.
So in my programs and with myclients, I offer breathwork
meditation uh at least once amonth.
And then every other week wehave a dance party.
(31:43):
Oh, I think that's a good idea.
And this is it's amazing.
I like worst/slash best of the80s and 90s.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
I love that.
I want to come.
Speaker (31:52):
Come anytime.
It would be a delight to haveyou.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
So people can go on like Zoom.
Speaker (31:57):
Yeah, I mean, the people in my programs, yeah.
They come to Zoom and we dancefor an hour, half hour, an hour.
You can come for a song or twoon your lunch break or in an
evening.
It's it's a delight and it's away to get back into your body
that's really non-threatening.
Because like what Gloria Stefando to you?
Hello.
(32:17):
Who does Stefan?
Fools.
Fools.
That's the only possibleanswer.
Fools.
Amen.
So I rarely judge.
That's my whole thing.
I am compassionate and loving.
But if you don't like Gloria,we don't need to talk.
We don't need to talk.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
You know, I love her because she's Cuban.
Speaker (32:36):
Listen, and she's perfection.
I know.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
I am so grateful for you.
I, if you're listening, I asalways will have all of the
information on the notes, um,including websites, the all of
the meditations, the journalingprompts.
Um, thank you so much.
I feel like this is reallyimportant.
The somatic part of connectingto yourself, I have to be
(33:00):
honest, I don't do very muchbecause I'm too busy.
So, and then what ends uphappening is what you were
saying, I get stomach aches, Iget headaches.
And it is the connection toyourself and and and just the
few minutes a day, I think is soimportant.
Speaker (33:16):
It's so important, and it really doesn't take much.
Like that's the thing, youknow, like the three-step thing
I was recommending that can take20 seconds three times a day.
There's no excuse not to do it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's it's it it's a good safeplace to start that is unlikely
(33:39):
to freak most nervous systemsout.
Yeah.
So I recommend it.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
And I love that you're giving everyone options,
like if meditation's too much,the journaling, blah, blah,
blah.
So there's any way to connect,reconnect with you.
Again, the book is endemotional outsourcing.
Show the book.
Isn't she pretty?
It is very pretty.
I actually love that uh cover.
It's so emotional, like it's somodern and beautifully
(34:03):
designed, colorful.
It's right up my alley.
Um, Bea, thank you so much.
I appreciate you.
Thank you so much.
If you're listening to this,please rate and review.
Please do support Bea with herbook.
I'm sure you can get out onKindle too if you want it.
Yeah, for sure.
And I narrated the audiobook.
Speaker (34:22):
Oh, great.
How fun is that?
Speaker 2 (34:24):
And you've got a great voice, too.
Okay, I'll thank you again.
Everyone, connect with her, andI'll see you next time.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Betrayal: Weekly
Betrayal Weekly is back for a brand new season. Every Thursday, Betrayal Weekly shares first-hand accounts of broken trust, shocking deceptions, and the trail of destruction they leave behind. Hosted by Andrea Gunning, this weekly ongoing series digs into real-life stories of betrayal and the aftermath. From stories of double lives to dark discoveries, these are cautionary tales and accounts of resilience against all odds. From the producers of the critically acclaimed Betrayal series, Betrayal Weekly drops new episodes every Thursday. Please join our Substack for additional exclusive content, curated book recommendations and community discussions. Sign up FREE by clicking this link Beyond Betrayal Substack. Join our community dedicated to truth, resilience and healing. Your voice matters! Be a part of our Betrayal journey on Substack. And make sure to check out Seasons 1-4 of Betrayal, along with Betrayal Weekly Season 1.