Grandparenting from a distance

Closed borders in the last year or so have forced many people to have enforced long periods away from loved ones living overseas. Researcher, writer and anthropologist Helen Ellis knows all about having geographically scattered relatives. Three of her four children, and five of her six grandchildren, live in America, England and Scotland. In non-Covid restricted times it would be a 16 to 30 hour flight to visit them. Drawing on her personal whanau situation and research - her book Being a Distance Grandparent addresses some of the issues and struggles when family life is so spread out. This includes attending an international wedding via zoom.

Closed borders have forced many people into long periods apart from loved ones living overseas in the last year or so.

Writer and anthropologist Helen Ellis knows all about having geographically scattered relatives - she and her husband have been 'distance parenting' for over 30 years and 'distance grandparenting for 20 of those.

Helen addresses some of the issues and struggles of having family so spread out in the new book Being a Distance Grandparent.

Listen to the interview

New Zealand is home to a very number of 'distance grandparents' says Ellis, who has three of her four children and five of her six grandchildren living overseas.

Communication is the key to keeping up healthy relationships, Ellis says, and tweaking small things can help you get the most from your interactions.

Think about how your Zoom calls are structured, she suggests - do you need one-on-one time with someone as opposed to a group call?

Rather than tell your family members how much you miss them, it's better to say you're proud of them and will continue to love and support them from afar, Ellis says.

"That is wisdom that will reap huge benefits.

"The number one emotion that our 'distance' sons and daughters are experiencing is the guilt. The guilt of the left-behind family...when we pour it onto them, that doesn't help them. They've made decisions to live there and they're coping with all sorts of things."

The pandemic has made life scary in many places and "being stronger back here" is the role of the distance parent or grandparent, she says.

It's helpful that, in the age of Covid-19, many rites of passage seem to be live-streamed now, Ellis says.

"Even if Covid tones itself down and we get back to a new normality, I think we'll be finding ourselves having more of these events telecast."

Recently her son got married in Chicago, and she invited people over to her place to watch the wedding online…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details