Seltzer Death Match

I'm going to be quite honest. Mango Raspberry Lime? What are we doing here? On this, the eve of Christmas Eve? This couldn't have come earlier in the calendar? Who's programming this thing? What's happening? If this were the AV Club, you'd be getting a C-, Bonne Maman. Step it up. Anyway, "Little French Jelly Death Match" is almost over, and before this feed reverts back to seltzer stuff Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk are trying the ...

First, a jellyfish fact has washed up on the beach of this podcast. After we have some fun learning about marine biology, we try some more jam because that's all we do or have ever done with our lives. Time is running out to be named the best jam before Christmas! And today, Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk dive into the twenty-second of 23 jams and 1 honey.

CURRENT STANDINGS

1. Cherry Christmas Spice (66) -- 4-day jampion

2. Oran...

The font size has never been smaller as Bonne Maman throws every fucking ingredient it has into one jam. The end is near and they need to clear out the pantry, plus all the jams have been good lately, so let's cut them some slack. In this episode, Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk try the twenty-first of 23 jams and 1 honey.

CURRENT STANDINGS

1. Cherry Christmas Spice (66) -- 3-day jampion

2. Orange Cinnamon (63)

3. Mirabelle Plum ...

Why is Christmas in December? We'll clear that up. And then... the return of Mirabelle Plum! The return of spice! Could this team-up skyrocket to the top of the charts? Find out as "Little French Jelly Death Match" continues -- a podcast no one asked for, but Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk are making anyway. It's the twentieth of 23 jams and 1 honey, and oh boy, we can hear the sleigh bells already.

CURRENT STANDINGS

1. Cherry C...

Before we begin this episode, a quick note about the gender binary we've been opening the past 18 episodes with. This is an inclusive jam podcast, welcoming to all genders of jammers, and we apologize to those who felt left out. No one has said anything, but just in case. Also, it's time to try the nineteenth of 23 jams and 1 honey.

CURRENT STANDINGS

1. Cherry Christmas Spice (66)

2. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58)

3. Straw...

Please welcome to the stage: Cherry Christmas Spice! It's looking good for holiday spirit, because "Christmas" is literally in the name of this jam. Before Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk try this eighteenth of 23 jams and 1 honey, they discuss the Biblical origins of Hanukkah and the existential dread of Lego.

CURRENT STANDINGS

1. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) -- 13-day jampion

2. Strawberry and Redcurrant (54)

3. Fig Carda...

Whew, that new Avatar movie was quite something, huh? I do think there could have been some more jam in it. Really, just not enough jam. What's going on, James, did you blow the entire budget on special effects and couldn't afford to put down a few Washingtons for a jar of fruit spread? Anyway, this isn't Rotten Tomatoes, it's a jam podcast that used to be a seltzer podcast. Today, Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk try the seventeenth o...

Things got POSH up in this advent calendar! Apricot!? Bergamot!?!? What is this, Saks Fifth Avenue!!????!? Get ready to feel like you're definitely part of the problem in our capitalist hellscape in this episode of "Little French Jelly Death Match." Today's consumers, as always, are Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk. And they're going to taste the sixteenth of 23 jams and 1 honey.

CURRENT STANDINGS

1. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom ...

How long does jam keep? Today we'll give you the FDA's official guidelines on jam safety so you can know whether it's time to throw out the remnants of that Day 1 Rhubarb Strawberry spread. Plus, Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk will stuff their maws with the fifteenth of 23 jams and 1 honey. "Little French Jelly Death Match" continues!

CURRENT STANDINGS

1. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) -- 10-day jampion

2. Strawberry and Red...

Here there be dragons! Dragons-fruits, that is! If you've never seen a dragonfruit, you probably weren't on Instagram about 5 years ago, back when it was about people taking pictures of cool-looking food truck stuff, before it became 100% shirtless selfies. If you liked that run-on sentence you'll love this episode of "Little French Jelly Death Match," as Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk try the fourteenth of 23 jams and 1 honey.

...

Her again? Yuzu continues to try to get into our good graces, this time by hitching its wagon to pineapple. Will it find more success than when it teamed up with orange and grapefruit, or is this a sequel that's worse than the first? Find out as Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk try the thirteenth of 23 jams and 1 honey.

CURRENT STANDINGS

1. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) -- 8-day jampion

2. Strawberry and Redcurrant (54)

3. Fi...

Forget St. Nicholas, today it's all about St. Germain as we slam back some elderflower jam. It's also the UN's International Day of Neutrality. What are you neutral about today? Have you ever put your car in neutral? I think I've only ever done it by accident. I honestly don't know what that gear is for. Maybe if you're getting towed or something? It's day 12 which means Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk are enjoying the twelfth of 23 j...

We're almost halfway until Christmas, a great time to take a little break from the grind of eating jam after jam and check in on our mental and physical health. Also, how are you doing? You don't have to say if you don't want to, maybe just sit and think about it. Thank you for listening to "Little French Jelly Death Match," only 9,900 more listeners and we can monetize this baby.

CURRENT STANDINGS

1. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blo...

We begin today's not-about-seltzer episode with a game about the most popular jam flavors. Can YOU guess them all? CAN YOU? I need to know because I'm being held captive and they'll only let me go if I can guess the most popular jam flavors. Please help! In the meantime, Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk will try the tenth of 23 jams and 1 honey in their quest to find the best jam before Christmas.

CURRENT STANDINGS

1. Mirabelle Pl...

Go to the ATM machine to grab some cash money for a chai tea to enjoy alongside your jelly jam, because today's unnecessarily repetitive fruit spread is Orange Mandarin. In case you're wondering how this podcast got into your smart phone, "Little French Jelly Death Match" has taken over the Seltzer Death Match feed. Today, your special hosts Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk will try the ninth of 23 jams and 1 honey. 

CURRENT ...

Bring us some figgy pudding? More like, bring us some fig cardamom jam! Also, if you didn't know the horrifying truth about figs and wasps before, you will after listening to today's pod. Good luck sleeping tonight. Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk continue our special holiday "Little French Jelly Death Match" with the eighth of 23 jams and 1 honey. Merry Christmas or whatever!

CURRENT STANDINGS

1. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (5...

Yum yum, more goopy Band-Aids! The race to become Christmas's Next Jam Superstar is heating up as a new jam steps into the spotlight. Her name is Peach Jasmine Flower and she does not mess around. Colloid? I don't know his phone number. Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk try the seventh of 23 jams and 1 honey as this very extremely special holiday event continues.

CURRENT STANDINGS

1. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) -- 3-day jamp...

How many times have you been run over by a reindeer? Also, what's pectin? The competition is getting sweet! "Little French Jelly Death Match" continues with Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk's important work to find the best jam before Christmas, tasting the sixth of 23 jams and 1 honey.

CURRENT STANDINGS

1. Mirabelle Plum Linden Blossom (58) -- 2-day jampion

2. Apricot Peach (45)

3. Orange Yuzu Grapefruit (42)

4. Rhubarb Strawberr...

Happy(?) Krampusnacht! It's the day when St. Nicholas's evil assistant(?) kidnaps naughty children and takes them to hell. What will Krampus think of today's jam, Pear with Cocoa Nibs? Will he take it to hell, or let St. Nick fill its little shoes with candies and toys? We'll find out when Abbey Kos and Travis Larchuk taste the fifth of 23 jams and 1 honey, as "Little French Jelly Death Match" continues.

CURRENT STANDINGS:

1. ...