July 18, 2025 • 61 mins
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Thank you very much to Sofia for commissioning this episode!
These chapters are the ones where Miles orders the doctors to remove the chip from Ilyan's brain, and so far it all seems to be going pretty well...other than his obvious confusion and frustration. Similarly, Miles is having trouble adjusting his own expectations of his life.
Thank you all so much for listening, and I will see you soon with a new episode!
Wanna talk spoilers? Join the Discord! https://discord.gg/rEF2KfZxfV
Thank you very much to Sofia for commissioning this episode!
These chapters are the ones where Miles orders the doctors to remove the chip from Ilyan's brain, and so far it all seems to be going pretty well...other than his obvious confusion and frustration. Similarly, Miles is having trouble adjusting his own expectations of his life.
Thank you all so much for listening, and I will see you soon with a new episode!
Wanna talk spoilers? Join the Discord! https://discord.gg/rEF2KfZxfV
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
This is an Unspoiled Network podcast. This is spoil Me
covering Vorko Sagin Saga Memory chapters seventeen, eighteen, and nineteen.
In these chapters, the chip is removed. Thank god, Alien
(00:28):
I think is in love with Alice, and it's funny
to me how MYOS doesn't seem to be clocking that.
Welcome to spoil Me. Welcome to the show everyone. I
(00:59):
am Natasha. Thank you very much to Sophia for commissioning
this episode. Sophia, I don't know if you're here in
the chat or not, but if so, welcome yet. Guys.
It is kind of wild to me how Miles I
(01:19):
feel like should see it. But I guess this is
something that happens when you just don't see a person
as having any like sexual or romantic what's the word
I want facets to their life. I wanted to say factors,
(01:43):
and that's not it facets. Alien has been so sexless,
it seems like for so long that I get the
impression that Miles just simply has disconnected that It's not
like Miles doesn't consider the fact that this would have
(02:03):
been impossible for Alien to have pursued due to the
job that he had due to the chip itself, like
he seems to know all of that would have interfered,
but doesn't step back and acknowledge how maybe that has
changed now and something else is happening. So I'm just
(02:27):
gonna call it right now that I think that Ilian
has had interest in Lady Alice or Patrol for some time,
but due to a variety of circumstances, could not pursue it.
And I don't know that Lady Alice is unaware of it,
(02:48):
but you know the fact that his heart rate or
his blood pressure or something goes down when she enters
the room. I feel like I remember reading that when
new couples see each other, their heart rates increase with excitement,
(03:09):
and when couples have been together a while, their heart
rates decrease when they see one another because there is
a sense of calm and comfort associated that, you know
what I'm saying. So I sort of interpreted it that way,
and I guess we'll see. But I'm getting out of myself,
as I s all often do. So let's begin with
(03:31):
chapter seventeen, where Miles is meeting with all of these
different medical professionals to talk about what's going on with
the chip, and it is a really wild conversation because
eventually Miles is like, well, what are the potential consequences
(03:55):
of removing it? And this dude respond in such a
way as to make it clear what he thinks. Miles
means regarding consequences is to the chip, because he is
prioritizing retaining any data on the chip over the well
(04:17):
being of the man himself, which is actually devastating. It
makes sense, you know, in this like weird, awful way,
but it just made me so sad because Ilian is
like he has sort of stopped being a person since
(04:42):
getting this chip implanted. He is seen in a different
way now as like an asset, but only because of
the chip, so that when it comes time for that
to be taken out of you know, factors, now he
is significantly less important. And I just found that so
(05:03):
fucking sad. Guys, I really it didn't occur to me
that this was going to be the way it went,
and it should have, because honestly, it's not really like
a new attitude. We've seen this sort of thing before.
It's just like, I guess, honestly, a big part of
(05:26):
my surprise is I expected everybody to be pretty aware
of the relationship that Miles has with Alien, and for
them to approach things with that in mind as a
he is going to be sort of sentimental about this
(05:47):
whole thing, or do you know what I'm saying? Like
I kind of thought it was they were going to
be handling it like they would if they were talking
to a person in charge of an investigation into their
own father. And I think him being an auditor just
(06:10):
makes him seem so remote from the issue and so
separate that I don't know how well known it is
his close relationship with Ilian, but it feels like this
has caused him to occupy a different place in their minds.
And they are just pretty insensitive when it comes down
(06:30):
to it. That's sort of it. They are approaching things
from the direction they believe would be the imperium's priority,
and it's maybe it would be if Miles and Gregor
were different people, but they are, thank God who they are.
(06:51):
Let's see, Oh God, there's a mention to in scientists language,
the chip is turning to snot inside Alien's head. One
of you Bright apparently used just that phrase in his hearing.
By the way, one of Avackley's assistants had the grace
to look guilty. Yeah, that's uh. I feel like this
(07:12):
is something that comes up a lot. Is like people
thinking that patients can't hear them or can't understand them,
and them speaking within hearing distance very freely in a
way that does a lot more damage than they realize
it does. A plane removal with no attempt to save
the ship would in fact be a reasonably simple operation.
But the brain is a complex thing. We don't know,
(07:34):
for example, to what extent it has rerouted its own
internal functions around the artifact in thirty five years. And
then there's the psychological element. Whatever he's done to his
personality that has allowed him to work with and stay
sane will be unbalanced. How much cognitive damage are we
talking about? Rubaal shrugged helplessly. And let's see, our orders
(07:59):
were to save the chip or as much of the
chip's data as could be retrieved, I would presume, because
the data is vital to ISECT and the imperium, and
Miles is like thinking through what could be on it,
and it's just like I don't see it as being
like he would have written down anything that we're truly
important somewhere anything else, it would be like personal or
(08:21):
recent or petty, and I just don't think that's actually
that important. Which I am curious if this is going
to prove to be incorrect later, because Miles doesn't know everything.
Like it's as simple as that, you know, So I
guess we'll find out. When should we start, my lord?
(08:43):
I'd like you to be finished in two hours. Miles
wrapped the table and rose, Thank you, gentlemen dismissed. I've
got to say I admire so much how Miles is
able to embrace being in charge. Really, I want to
be this kind of person in certain areas of my life,
(09:06):
and I find it so difficult, and I think it
could be really really useful, but it is just something
that like doesn't It's it's not like leadership doesn't come
naturally to me, although I don't know if the leadership
and being in control freak are really strictly the same thing.
(09:27):
But I do find it, especially as a woman, difficult
to like throw my weight around in such a decisive
way without making it clear I am aware I could
be mistaken, which is the exact wrong way to go
about a lot of this. And every time that I
see Miles like just doing the damn thing. I'm like, God,
(09:53):
I want to be like that. So he calls Gregor
and tells him about the removal and gets his blessing
on it, and then he goes back to speak to Haroche,
and this conversation it's like a really interesting It's not
(10:19):
explicitly said, but it feels like both of them reached
the end of the convo kind of being like, Huh,
you are more competent than I really gave you credit for,
and I am impressed by you in a way that,
you know, I just feel maybe they would never have
(10:40):
had the opportunity to reevaluate each other if it weren't
for what was happening right now. So Horoche, he basically
like indicates that he was looking at miles records and
he says, I'd seen you flitting in and out of
here for years. I was aware you were covert ops,
but I was not always fully aware of which covert
(11:00):
ops or how many. No wonder you were alien's pet.
His gaze on miles decorated tunic was now more calculating
than disbelieving. And let's see. Uh. He mentions the chip removal,
and he thinks that it might be crippling, and Miles
is like, it's pretty fucking crippling at the moment, So
(11:24):
I think that this is for the best. And also
the fact that there was nobody around him that he
knew made him so agitated and so violent that it
like he fucked up a lot of people and then
wound up naked and in restraints And this didn't have
to be this way, and you should have allowed some
folks around him, And he says I hadn't gone down
(11:48):
to the clinic to inspect in person, which Miles is like, Okay,
well that is cowardly, But also I get it. Ivan
and I were able to do a lot just by
being I've thought of another person who could do even more.
I think Lady Alice or Patrol should sit with him
until the surgery is prepared. You and Lieutenant or Patril are,
(12:09):
or at least were oath sworn military personnel. She's a
civilian and barred by her gender from most oaths, but
hardly a non person for all of that. If I must,
I will order her admittance on my authority as auditor.
But I wanted to give you a chance to mend
your mistake. If nothing else, you should be alive to
(12:30):
the fact that, as Gregor's baba and closest senior female
senior female relative, she will be in charge of all
the social arrangements for the Emperor's wedding. You may still
be acting head of IMPSECT at that time. How this
fits into your security challenges should be obvious. The Empress
Lisa may make new arrangements once she's installed, but in
(12:52):
the meantime, Lady Alice is the old guard in charge
of the transition. And he asks then Horoche says, how
did Ilian get along with you all? When he was
no more vore than I am? And Miles says, I
(13:14):
think he enjoyed the spectacle. By the time I came
to know him, I think he'd come to feel the
Imperium was a creation he helped to maintain, an almost
seed againd in attitude in a weird way, more of
an artist to his medium than a servant to his master.
Ilian played Gregor's servant with great panache, But I don't
(13:36):
think I've ever met a less servile human being. And
Heroche seems to really understand exactly what it is that
Miles is saying, and I think appreciates the fact that
Miles being voor and saying this, There's no indication of
resentment from Miles. He is not saying this with the
(13:57):
sense of like, how dare he It's almost this admiration
of the way that Alien engaged with it all from
a distance, and that he was impressed and respected it,
you know. And I think that Miles not taking that
(14:19):
personally in any way. That Karoche is judging this conversation
just as much about how Miles reacts to this assertion
than the assertion itself. So finally he calls up Lady
Alice and is like, hey, so I think that you
should come, that it'd be good for him. And she's like,
I fucking told you that, And he's like, I know
(14:40):
you did, and you were right. Can you get there?
And she says, I can be ready in fifteen minutes.
Miles wondered if haroshe appreciated what an awesome statement this was.
It could take a high more lady fifteen hours to
get ready to go places sometimes. And she's says, thank you, General,
(15:01):
and thank Lord Forrkosigan too. Huh, said Heroche. His mouth
twitched lopsidedly. She is sharp in certain areas within her
personal expertise. One of the sharpest one wonders, how lord Ivan, Ah, Well,
I swear to God, you guys, the way everybody regards Ivan,
(15:25):
it's like his name is becoming a slur. At this point,
I'm like, Ivan, if you don't start working on your reputation,
I don't know if you are ever going to be
able to accomplish anything. Like a part of me is
really I respect the game of wanting to fly under
(15:45):
the radar and not get pulled into things because you're
not seen as particularly exceptional or whatever. I get that approach,
and I understand why you would handle things that way.
But like now, I'm at this place where I'm thinking, thinking, Okay,
you're getting old enough that this could really kick you
in the ass. There might be a point where you
(16:07):
start to reconsider whether this was the right approach. Like, ah,
I don't know, but yeah, it was very funny. Everybody
just completely dismisses him, and I just don't think they should.
I just don't think. So let's see, Uh. As hard
(16:28):
as it may be for you to grasp, this is
heroche Considering the history of your attitude to most of
your commanding officers, and it says just which files had
he been reading. I do want to do a good job.
Do your duty is not enough. The lower ranks are
filled with men who merely do their duty and no more.
(16:50):
I'm not a suave man, never have been. I didn't
ask for this emergency. I will likely never be as
smooth and polished as Alien. But I mean to do
as good as you and I fully believe him, and
I think that Miles says too. So uh, let's see.
He goes back to Ivan and reports that Ivan's mother
(17:12):
is going to be coming in, and I love that
Miles can't help but toy with Ivan a little bit here,
because Ivan is very much like, oh my god, thank
god you're back. This sucks. I hated every second of it.
And Miles is like, well, your mom is coming in.
And as soon as Ivan is like oh good, Miles
is like, but do you think it's going to be
too much for her, like basically threatening to take her
(17:34):
off the duty that he has just promised her for
and forcing Ivan to be like no, no, no, she'll
be fine. She's tough. Oh god. So he has to
sit down and do the thing where he just is
like waiting again for the version of Ilian that is
in the present, and finally he comes back and he
(18:00):
tells Ilian, we're going to take the chip out, and
Ilian and this had not occurred to me, but Ilian
basically is like, oh my god, I feel like I
might rather that you just kill me. He looks really
freaked out by it, and just as he says like,
I think you rather, I'm I think I might rather
I just die, and Miles says that's not an option.
(18:22):
He goes away again, and this all starts to get
closer and closer together till later on there's a point
where his eyes are flashing and it's clear he isn't
even in the moment he is in for long enough
to verbalize it before he's moving on into the next one.
Let's see, Oh yeah, when Lady Alice comes in, I'm
(18:45):
so sorry about the death of Lord war Patrol. If
I had only known where you were in the city.
I was trying to get Admiral Kenzie and out. If
only I'd known And let's see, that's interesting, had a
wall checking a monitor read out on the wall. His
blood pressure dropped a bit there, and Miles says, yes,
(19:09):
I'm not surprised, And I can't read that because it
doesn't feel like he's considering there is a romantic thing there. Later,
so him saying not surprised if it like, is he
just thinking that it's purely a familiar face and that's
all that that's about. So uh, the actual procedure for
(19:34):
getting it out of his head is really a lot
simpler than I was expecting it to be. And then
Miles seemed to expect as well. Uh, let's see, I'm
trying to find the did you because it's like, you know,
a few days and they have to contact That's right.
(19:56):
His it was had used to being doctor Hugh Kanaba
Jackson's hole. He now goes by Vaughan Weddell, and he
has a new face as well, because obviously we have
to change up what he looks like so that they
can't track him down. So he's in the mix here,
and Miles thinks to himself about how this guy does
(20:20):
think quite a lot of himself, but also has the
ability is to back it up and so it's hard
to like hold it against him. Really doesn't like the guy,
but can respect what it is he does. Let's see,
that was simpler than I anticipated. Miles commented several orders
of magnitude simpler than installing. It must have been agreed
(20:43):
the surgeon. I had a horrible few minutes when I
first looked at the map of the thing, thinking I
was going to have to go in and remove all
those neural connectors, until I realized they could just be
left in C two essentially because nothing is flowing through them.
It's fine to leave them. They're just inert. So he
wakes up and it actually seems like his mind is
(21:08):
pretty intact, but he clearly has this like gesture that
accompanies when he would normally be pulling up a memory,
this movement of his hand that he keeps doing by reflex,
and it made me think of like when you play
a video game for a really long time on a
(21:31):
certain console and then you start playing a new game
on a different console and you have to completely relearn
the keypad on your controller because you just keep This
was something that happened with me with this game that
I was playing with my husband. I had a particular
(21:52):
key that would like use a weapon that was essentially
a rocket launcher that I could only use once every
like thirty minutes in game. And I fucking kept setting
it off because I was not used to that controller.
And then there were other things that I would press
(22:13):
expecting a thing to happen, and nothing would happen because
it wasn't set up this way. And I've an alien
making this hand gesture. It just it's I'm not sure
if the gesture itself causes the memory to surface for him,
causes the chip to activate somehow, or if it's just
(22:36):
sort of a gesture that he has adopted for his own.
You know how this can be where it's sort of
like the equivalent of doing something where it takes a
lot of concentration and you bite your lip, that kind
of thing. I wasn't sure if it was more of that.
And he keeps doing it, and I'm like, I have
(22:57):
to assume he probably will for years. It's going to
take a long time to unlearn something that's been almost
three decades in his head, right or longer. So let's see,
barring new developments, I'd be willing to release him after
(23:20):
two days of close observation. The surgery was not very invasive.
It almost qualified as minor physically, so, yeah, this seems
to be doing well, and we shall see doctor Vaughan
Woodell named doctor Hugh Knabo of Jackson's Hole, had paler skin, now,
(23:42):
darker hair, and light hazel eyes in place of the
original dark brown color he'd sported when Myles had first
met him. What else? Eyes widened seeing Miles. Miles smiled grimly.
He hadn't thought the good doctor would have forgotten Admiral
Lee Smith. And it didn't occur to me that, like
Miles is coming at him in a different identity. Here,
(24:05):
I keep losing track of who knows him how, and
so he has to be like, actually, this is who
I was originally, and you know, lets him in on
this secret and mentions Torah and wed Ella's like, oh wow,
she's still alive. Huh, that's surprising. So let's see. Admiral
(24:31):
Backley is presumably brief to you. Do you have any
ideas yet? Several I'll be looking for signs of sabotage.
If I can't find any, we may end up dubbing
it natural causes. By default. The analysis will take several
days if it's done thoroughly. I want you to be thorough.
Molecule by molecule if necessary, Oh, it will have to
(24:52):
be and remember, while you're inside him sex Labs and
certainly part of a team, you are not inside insects
chain of command. You'll be reporting directly to me. That's
very interesting. Yeah, it is. He's basically like, you know,
(25:12):
do you do what I say and what they say whatever,
We'll sort of ignore it as the case may require.
So he goes to speak to Ilion again, how long
have you been here? Only about four days, I guess,
or five? Now, that's rather unexpected. He touches the auditor's
(25:38):
chain and Miles is like, yeah, we had to find
a work around because her roche was not letting me in.
So Miles goes home and he's looking at the chain
and he's thinking about how technically some people would say
his case about Ilion is like wrapping up now, but
(26:00):
he feels until we know exactly what caused this, it's
not resolved, and so he holds onto the chain. There's
a consideration later about like whether he is going to
want to keep this job or not, and like it
just seems perfect to me for him, I feel like
(26:21):
he should, but I also recognize that, like I, it
would be a big change of approach in a lot
of ways for Miles, from what he had used to do,
he'd become I don't want to say less of an
(26:41):
active participant in things, because I actually don't think that's true,
but there would be. He would be more of like
an investigator and less an action hero. And probably his
investigations could lead to action, but it wouldn't be a give.
It would be a result of extenuating circumstances. So Kees
(27:09):
goes home and he's wandering around the house thinking about
how like empty and large the places with just him
in it, and he thinks about Quinn. He ought to
give up any pretense of his returning to the Dandari
and just promote her to admiral period or would personnel
assignments now be Herochio's job. Miles would have trusted Ilian
(27:31):
to handle Quinn. But did Haroche have the insight the
imagination required, which, considering his attitude towards women, is definitely
not certain. And let's see, we coded General Haroche kidnapping
murmured General Horoche hardly that sir an invitation to Ilian
(27:54):
to enjoy the hospitality of Vorkosigenhaus during his convalescence, and
they just kind of have a back and forth of
like is this actually going to be as secure as
it should be, and Miles points out if somebody did
sabotage his chip, it's more than likely that that happened
here at imsect, so if anything, he'd be safer Evorko
(28:15):
Skinhause than he is here, and doctor Ruibal is like, yeah,
I'm going to see him for his checkups. It wouldn't
be any more difficult there, and apparently, like all seems
pretty solid with Ilian in terms of his general health,
but his short term memory is fucked. And later on,
(28:38):
Miles like, under the pretense of just passing the time,
he decides to engage Ilien in a card game which
previously there was no beating Ilian, but both Miles and
Lady Alice wind up wiping the floor with the guy,
and Ilien says finally like, oh, I'm tired, but it's
clearly fucking him up that whatever it was that he
(29:00):
had is not there anymore. And I can't help but
wonder if, like, you know, his short term memory might
be fucked right now, but maybe it's because he never
had to exercise it for so long. It was always
the chip doing the work, So perhaps there are connections
in his brain that have to be remade, you know.
There it may simply be that, like he's let part
(29:24):
of his mind atrophy, and it's just look in the
Year of Our Lord twenty twenty five, our brains are
fucked up. Right. The way that social media functions and
the way that media in general tends to function, has
(29:45):
shaped and changed the way our minds operate, how we
absorb information, how we are able to concentrate, and on what.
And I have no doubt that a chip in your
brain would do something thing pretty dramatic to the like
thought processes that you normally have over time. So maybe
(30:09):
it doesn't ever go back to well, I was going
to say, go back to normal, but it will never
be what it was because the chip is gone. I
guess what I mean is maybe his short term memory
will never improve beyond what it is now. But I
kind of think it might, and it just will take
(30:29):
a long enough time that it might be a problem
considering what his work is, you know. And maybe Hero
is going to be in this position longer than expected originally.
So anyway, Lady Alice, when she hears that Alien is
(30:49):
going to stay at Vorkosagen House, is very, very approving
and Miles also emphasizes how like you're also in this
windowless room here. I know that I really missed windows
when I was in the hospital. And Ilian says something
about how like, well, you know, windows are all well
(31:10):
and good, but that's also how somebody like poisoned your
parents and caused you to be born with all these anomalies,
So forgive me for not loving windows the same way.
But Miles says, well, they have like force fields on
all the windows now because of that exact thing, so
don't worry about it. And he mentions, also, I have
(31:31):
this new cook. I even mentioned your new cook. Iligan
admitted at length. Yes, said lady Alice, a faintly calculating
look crossing her fine features. Was she regretting that the
days of horse cattle and surf raids upon neighboring lord's
property were gone forever. I really like that idea, that
(31:55):
she's just sort of like I would love to poach her.
Oh what a shame. This is exactly what I even
warned him about to begin with. So let's see, let's see,
I'm trying to find the next okay, uh Martin. Martin
(32:15):
wafted them back to Workosagan house in the fusty luxury
of the old armored ground car. They arrived at Ilian's
new digs to find Alice directing a cleanup crew who
were just departing flowers, soap and towels and fresh sheets
had all been laid on. If Miles ever made good
his threat to tourn Borkosagen House into a hotel, he
(32:35):
knew who he wanted to hire for his general manager.
Martin spent all of five minutes distributing Ilien's meager belongings
to their new storage, then was packed off by Alice
to the kitchen. And there's something about this. This is
always something that gets me. Is the description of a
place that has been neglected coming back to life due
(32:58):
to people being here, finally, due to spaces that have
seen no soap and water being cleaned out, windows open,
letting fresh air in. It all. Just really is this
feeling of there's a hopefulness to it, you know, a
(33:21):
space that isn't necessarily unwelcoming exactly, but is just like
disused and forgotten, maybe not appreciated being woken up. It's
just I don't know, I just really like it. As
part of why I love the Secret gardens so much,
and it reminded me of that a little bit, especially
(33:42):
with like how Miles tends to want to go it
alone a lot. There's also a quality of him allowing
people into his space or inviting them into his space
that feels like he is growing as a person, and
I like that as well. After a round of tea
(34:04):
and cream, little sandwiches, stuffed eggs, meatballs and plum sauce,
the famous spiced peach charts, sweet wine, and some decorated
killer chocolate things with the density of plutonium that Miles
didn't even know the name of, everybody was relaxed. I'll
bet this just made me really want to throw a
(34:24):
tea party, just you know, for myself. Alien is talking
about what his mind has been like, and he's like,
it just feels like a dream. Everything is fragmented and
there's just a sort of like gloss over it that
(34:44):
makes it less distinct. I'm used to being able to
pull things up in full technicolor and detail, and I
can't do that, and it's weird. And I seem to
be able to recognize things, I just can't recall them properly.
Nothing comes up, there's nothing there Alice was instantly alert
(35:07):
to Ilian's rise and tension. All the past is like
a dream, she noted soothingly. It's how most people remember
all the time. Maybe you can think back to your
youth before old Azar ever had the chip installed. If
things come back to you about like those times, do
that's perfectly normal, normal for you. Hm. She frowned and
(35:31):
sipped the dregs of her tea as if to mask
her lack of an answer for this, and Miles like, well, see,
the reason I'm asking is because you know, we needed
let's see, we needed something to top impsect and there's
(35:51):
not much else that can After Admiral of Occley's team
gets done with their experiment examination of the chip, I'm
going to have to turn in a proper auditor's report.
If they deliver a verdict of natural causes, that's the
end of it. But if they don't, I was wondering
if you would be able to recall anything, any moment
or event that might have cloaked the administration of some
(36:14):
form of sabotage. And he's just like man without my chip,
that exact thing is so difficult to do. Like the
whole way that this works is they sabotage the evidence
of their sabotage. I can't do anything, And Miles was
prepared for this answer, had hopes that maybe there was
(36:35):
something else, but knew it was likely. And I am
so sorry, but I can't stop thinking about Lisa, and
I just I don't know, guys, I really don't. I
really don't. I just keep thinking about her and whether
she had anything to do with this, And I don't
(36:57):
know why. I can't shape my suspicion. I just don't
have There's literally no actual evidence connecting her. It's just
the circumstantial nature of her appearance on the scene and
her relationship to Komar. That's it. And other than that, nothing,
(37:18):
It's not enough, but it's fucking niggling at me in
the back of my brain. So anyway, they mention how
Haroche is handling things quite well. He has chosen Colonel
Vortala to help him, which Ilian seems to think is
a really good choice. And this is when they do
the card game and it's clear it's not doing too well.
(37:43):
And let's see, what do you think of Heros's appointment
for security for Gregor's wedding. Miles asked casually. Who did
he appoint? Asked Ilian, who would be your first pick?
Colonel Vortala? I think, ah, said Myles. Alice, rising to
take her leave, winced. Ilian frowned suddenly, his eyes narrowing,
but he added nothing more faintly defiant. He waved Miles
(38:07):
back to his seat and saw Lady Alice out to
her car with courtly punctilio. Yeah, it's an interesting thing
that happens later when they are around some other people
and it feels like everybody is getting that they need
to drop hints about what's going on, little reminders into
the conversation. Just I don't know, it's fascinating, let's see.
(38:33):
Doub Glenny comes by the second evening and he is
not expecting Ilian to be here and starts to be like,
maybe I should just leave. The Komaran borne officer was
stiff and uncomfortable dining with his formidable former chief, all
that history weighing on his mind. Glenny diplomatically pretended not
(38:54):
to notice Ilian's frequent lapses of memory and attention, and
swiftly picked up Myles's technique of sprinkling little reminder remarks through
his conversation to help Ilian stay on track, or at
least maintain the illusion he was doing so. And then
Lady Alice and Ivan are dropping by all the time,
(39:16):
and Ivan it's always just in time to be able
to eat with Miles, which is the combination of him
and a bunch of other people clocking what an incredible
cook Miles has. Means that people keep doing this and
as well so that his grocery bills starts to really
go up. And I love this detail so much. And
(39:42):
a vocallee was scientifically guarded in his comments on updates,
but Miles was able to construe they were making steady progress,
at least in the elimination of a negative hypothesis. Miles
did not lean on a vocleey for more definitive statements.
This was one case where they really couldn't afford hurried
mistakes in either direct and there was no need for haste.
Whatever harm was going to be done had been done,
(40:05):
which is a good attitude. I am not sure it's true.
I mean, you know what I'm saying, I really like,
I'm so suspicious of this whole thing. I don't know,
I don't know, I don't know. So let's see the
mill cryonicist and neurologist who had teamed up to tackle
his case at last managed to trigger one of miles
seizures in their lab, and they figure out what exactly
(40:30):
what's going on. Your brain began generating an unusually high
level of neurotransmitters after your cryonic revival, and they build
up to this abnormal level. So there's a layover view
and he shows him like in this imagery. Then something
(40:52):
happens to trigger some unusually heavy brain activity, stress or
excitement of some kind, and the reservoirs cascade really all
at once. This is the spike in the graph there.
This shuts down your normal neural functions temporarily and your
transmitters reservoirs empty out below normal levels. Thus the few
(41:15):
minutes of unconsciousness, then equilibrium begins to reassert itself and
you return to consciousness and the psycho begins again. It's
entirely biochemical rather than phase electrical, and all of this
is very interesting, but Miles is just of course practical
minded and is like, okay, super what are we doing
(41:36):
about it? And he says like, I don't think that
there's going to be any surgical treatment that's going to
do anything, and so Miles is like, okay, what is though,
And there's just this long pause and he is sitting
there ah ah hmm, he added after a time Miles waited,
(42:02):
clutching his fragile patience. Doctor Tenko's medical creativity would surely
not be enhanced by having an Imperial auditor launch himself
over the comp console and attempt to strangle him. So
he finally says, well, we could install a chip, and
(42:26):
Biles is like, oh, really, I don't love it. I
just don't. And he's like, this isn't like Alien's chip,
which was really risky and brand new. This is a
thing that has existed for a long time and has
gone undergone lots of trials and is way way safer.
(42:51):
But I also don't think it's really right for this case.
And Miles is like, oh my god, then what is
Like he just keeps cycling through things and being like, no,
not that though, And finally he's like, we're gonna have
to talk about it, you know, me and your other doctors,
and it's going to take a while for us to
come up with something. So by the end of this section,
(43:12):
we don't have an approach for this yet let's see.
He goes home and he finds Ilian all dressed up
and ready to go, and he says, Lady Alice has
asked me to be her escort at a concert she
wishes to attend. A concert. I didn't know you had
(43:34):
an interesting concerts where the Vorbar Sultana Company hall. I
don't know if I have an interesting concerts or not.
For all the time I've run security on that building,
I never once had a chance to sit down and
watch and listen to the show myself and a concert.
(43:55):
How unexpected, Alien's first appearance in public since his breakdow
would certainly have an interesting effect on the Capitol's rumor mills.
He looked as sharp as he ever did when he
troubled to clean up and play the Imperial Officer. The
surgical scratch was almost healed, and with his thinning hair
combed over, hardly noticeable. It was not even obvious. The new,
(44:16):
vague uncertainty in his eyes was different from the abstracted
inward look he used to get when accessing his chip.
But if it had been sabotaged, would somebody want to
try again? Miles could imagine a depressed Ilien courting assassination,
but it seemed unfair to take Miles only down with him,
(44:37):
and he says, what are you doing for security? And
Alien is like, that's not my problem. That's somebody else's
problem to figure out. I think I'm just gonna leave
him to it, and he has a look like it's
a combination I think probably of like a little bit
of regret, but also this novel feeling of oh, oh
(45:00):
my god, it's not my issue. I don't have to
It makes me think of like, sometimes when I worked
at this resort in Connecticut, I would on a very
flush week come into the place I worked for dinner,
and how how it felt to be walking in but
(45:22):
not expected to do any of the usual side work
or hosting or whatever. So he watches ilian get into
the car with Lady Alice Uh, and just as they
are about to leave, Iliane is like, oh, bt Dubbs,
your mom is heading back and she's going to be
here in five days, and Miles is like, not ready
(45:47):
to see her. He is avoiding her due to her
like incisiveness honestly in a way that a part of
me understands, and another part of me is like, she
could help so much Miles, with you sorting through some
of the things you're going through, I feel like you
are just really you are not helping yourself here. But
(46:08):
I also do understand that I see Cordelia from the
outside of like this just incredible woman, and this is
his mom, and just we have baggage around our parents
observing us, so it makes sense and let's see, don't
be childish, Miles, aunt Alice said firmly. Her poker face
(46:31):
driver raised the canopy, and Ilien helped her settle herself
in her dress neatly. Within all those years of close
observation of the vore class had certainly taught him the moves,
Miles had to admit, which I was sort of gratified
to hear. I just like the fact that maybe, like
you know, there's a lot of shit that's fucked up
in his memories, but then there's like little things like
(46:53):
this where I'm like, well, he's getting to do new
stuff though, and that's kind of fun. And then he
stays up late and Alien doesn't come back until two am.
Alien looked alright, if slightly rumpled and notably redolent of
(47:16):
the esters of fine wine and perfumes. Where were you
all this time? All what time? Since the concert ended? Oh?
We wrote around, had a late supper, talked, you know,
talked well. Lady Alice talked. I listened. I found it RESTful.
Did you play cards? Not tonight? Go to bed? Miles.
(47:41):
They made out. He's rumpled because they made out in
the back of the car. Mark my words talked, get
the fuck out of here. Miles, wake up. It's crazy
to me that this doesn't occur to him. Let's see anyway,
(48:04):
why shouldn't Ilion have a normal light out? He didn't
fall over and have convulsions in public. Miles growled and
went to bed, but not to sleep. It was going
to be a wearing weight for Chenko's call from Immil.
So he then gets the call, and we've ruled out
(48:25):
the possibility of a purely medical approach. If only one
or two chemicals were involved, it might be possible, but
you're over producing dozens or even hundreds, maybe all of them.
A second approach looks more promising. We can micro miniaturize
a version of the neural stimulators were used in the
lab to trigger your seizure. This array could be permanently
(48:47):
installed with feedback sensors that would report when your reservoirs
were becoming overloaded, you could use the stimulator to voluntarily
trigger a seizure in a controlled time and place, and thus,
so to speak, deffuse yourself safely. And what this would
mean is if he was able to monitor this really closely,
(49:10):
he could potentially be safe to drive again swim. What
he really wants to know is if he could go
back to being in command. But yeah, this doctor understandably
is like, I do find it weird that you were
only sent to us to study what's going on with
(49:31):
your seizures after you were discharged. It should have been
the other way around, which you know, we know why.
But it's a good question. So let's say you need
extraordinary mitigating circumstances to engineer yourself anything but office work.
(49:56):
Desk work was no temptation, no threat to the continued
existence of Lord Warcosigan. To spend the rest of his
career in charge of the laundry or worse, as weather
officer on some backwater base, waiting forever for promotion, no
be sensible. He'd doubtless end up in a comfy cubicle
down in the bowels of ipsect analyzing data garnered by
(50:17):
other Galactic affairs agents collecting pay raises on a regular schedule,
but spared the stresses of promotion to department head or
chief of impsec. If only he hadn't falsified that thrice
damned report. Yeah, that really was not a good idea.
It really wasn't. And in the end is just sort
(50:43):
of like, look, that sounds like a great way to
manage this, but it's not a cure. And he's like, no,
it's not. We need somebody smarter than me, to be honest,
We've got to you know, we're still working on something.
But and Miles is like, all right, for now, we
could try it. Forgive my curiosity, my lord. But why
(51:05):
in the world would an Imperial auditor wish to be
reinstated into the service as a mere impsect lieutenant. I'm
only an acting auditor. I'm afraid my tenure ends when
my case is closed. And what is your case? Highly sensitive? Oh?
Quite sorry? Shutting down his calm console, Myles reflected on
(51:27):
Schenko's very good question. He didn't seem to have a
very good answer for it. It's because he wants that
fucking high man. I'm telling you, he like I think
he could still get it as an auditor. I think
the kinds of issues that you could shake loose as
(51:50):
an Imperial auditor could potentially get you into some very
hot water if you were good at your job. And
he could find himself stimulated in a way that might
it's some of that scratch that he's got, you know,
no scratch, some of thatch the other way around. But
(52:13):
and I'm sort of surprised that this has not occurred
to him at all. And I don't know, maybe maybe
I'm misunderstanding what kinds of cases he would be assigned to,
But I feel like it could be it could it
could be something. You know what I'm saying. I just
(52:35):
really want Miles to have a little bit more imagination
about this whole thing. And I understand the truth is, guys,
I don't understand. I'm gonna be really, really straightforward and
say people who are adrenaline junkies are a mystery to me.
(52:59):
As somebody with things, I just don't really get it.
And it's the sort of thing like, in a respect,
I could see it being like a one time surge
of excitement, being a refreshing little moment in your life
(53:20):
that kind of makes you feel something new. After being
alive a little while, things can get a little tedious
and samey, and so you throw in something wild to
just mix it up a bit. But like Miles and
the way he wants to be out here in battle,
(53:42):
risking his life all the time and thwarting people with
real power, I love it for him and I love
reading about it, but it is just the opposite of
anything I would want to be involved in. So every
time that I try to really get at where he's
coming from on this, I can only understand it in
(54:04):
this hypothetical kind of way and not in a gut
understanding kind of way. The best I can do is
sort of recontextualize it in my own mind as the
opposite and be like, what if it were me and
I were potentially going to be put out into a
(54:24):
job that was really high risk if I didn't get
a clearance to go back to my much more calm
and steady job. And even that is difficult for me
to really like wrap my head around, because what I
do for work isn't usual, you know, being a full
(54:48):
time podcaster. This is not your nine to five, and
it isn't something that even feels exactly safe. It's not
really dependent on everybody who pledges on Patreon and everybody
who commissions these episodes for my income. So it is
actually quite risky what I'm doing. But the way that
(55:13):
I rationalize to myself is that any job that you have,
no matter how stable it might seem, unless you are
in a union, you are at risk of being let
go at any time for any reason. So ultimately, in
a sense, what I do for work is like more
(55:35):
stable than it is for many people who work quote
real jobs. So I try and sort of like think
about it that way, where what I do would be
seen as really risky by many people, and maybe correctly
so there's just an added dimension to it that makes
(55:58):
it feel like it's not really accurate though to me,
And I don't think that anybody could argue that's not
really accurate though. About Miles is taking risks as Admiral Naysmith,
it's just as risky as it actually looks. That's not
a matter of opinion. He died, He literally died, and
(56:19):
when he had a seizure, he accidentally cut someone's legs off.
Because that is the height of the situations that he
finds himself in the stakes are bonkers, So trying to
like put myself in that frame of mind, it's just
very hard for me to really get it. And all
(56:43):
I can think is just you are at an age, sir,
where doing what you've been doing is not going to
be as easy for you anymore. You know, it'll still
he'll be able to get away with it for like
maybe another five years. Right around thirty five is when
you start to really feel your age. Earlier, sometimes depending
(57:05):
on if you are not taking care of yourself in
the first place, but if you are somebody who has
sort of managed to keep yourself in some shape and
eat decently, thirty five is when it starts to become
a parent. All of that stuff is going to get harder.
You start to realize it's not having the effect it
used to have, or when you get ill or injured,
(57:28):
you don't bounce back the way that you used to.
And that's on top of the injury and his seizures,
you know. And I just feel like I'm not trying
to say by any means that as I began to age,
(57:49):
I took it gracefully, but I did sort of begin
to realize I couldn't keep doing the work I had
been doing in retail or in kitchen, because that's so
physical and it just takes a toll on you as
you get older. That is a lot harder to bear.
And so part of me switching into the work that
(58:09):
I did was to take that strain off of myself physically.
In some ways, it may have been a mistake, because
that was also activity that was likely helping me to
stay in better physical condition than sitting at a desk.
And that's the rub always, is that balance between taking
(58:35):
it easier in one respect, but not so easy that
you wind up doing a different kind of damage. I
don't think we have to worry about that with Miles,
I really don't. He's going to be doing a little
bit more than he should be perpetually, that's just who
he is. But I want him to have a little
bit more imagination around what he could be doing as
an auditor or potentially just like helping the people in
(58:58):
the hills around him. Look at the difference his intervention
made in that community. How much could he accomplish And
it's so worthy and it feels like something happened there
for him. When he revisited and he isn't letting himself
feel it fully, and I want him to, just like
(59:21):
I want him to allow himself to fully consider the
options that he has here on Barry Are, And it
feels like he only had this one idea of staying
Nae Smith, and now that that's been taken from him,
he's just totally at sea and being vorkose again doesn't
(59:49):
have any real like purpose attached to it, and I
want him to start considering it more fully instead of
his the accidental landing place he might wind up in
if the only other thing he wants is taken from him.
So I guess we'll see. I guess we'll see. I
(01:00:10):
guess we'll see. I have to wrap this up, but
thank you guys again very much for hanging out with me.
Thank you to Sophia for commissioning this episode very much.
Looking forward to reading the next chapters. I probably will
be doing that tonight, And until next time, to the Loom, motherfuckers.
(01:00:58):
That was an unspoil failed network podcast
This is an Unspoiled Network podcast. This is spoil Me
covering Vorko Sagin Saga Memory chapters seventeen, eighteen, and nineteen.
In these chapters, the chip is removed. Thank god, Alien
(00:28):
I think is in love with Alice, and it's funny
to me how MYOS doesn't seem to be clocking that.
Welcome to spoil Me. Welcome to the show everyone. I
(00:59):
am Natasha. Thank you very much to Sophia for commissioning
this episode. Sophia, I don't know if you're here in
the chat or not, but if so, welcome yet. Guys.
It is kind of wild to me how Miles I
(01:19):
feel like should see it. But I guess this is
something that happens when you just don't see a person
as having any like sexual or romantic what's the word
I want facets to their life. I wanted to say factors,
(01:43):
and that's not it facets. Alien has been so sexless,
it seems like for so long that I get the
impression that Miles just simply has disconnected that It's not
like Miles doesn't consider the fact that this would have
(02:03):
been impossible for Alien to have pursued due to the
job that he had due to the chip itself, like
he seems to know all of that would have interfered,
but doesn't step back and acknowledge how maybe that has
changed now and something else is happening. So I'm just
(02:27):
gonna call it right now that I think that Ilian
has had interest in Lady Alice or Patrol for some time,
but due to a variety of circumstances, could not pursue it.
And I don't know that Lady Alice is unaware of it,
(02:48):
but you know the fact that his heart rate or
his blood pressure or something goes down when she enters
the room. I feel like I remember reading that when
new couples see each other, their heart rates increase with excitement,
(03:09):
and when couples have been together a while, their heart
rates decrease when they see one another because there is
a sense of calm and comfort associated that, you know
what I'm saying. So I sort of interpreted it that way,
and I guess we'll see. But I'm getting out of myself,
as I s all often do. So let's begin with
(03:31):
chapter seventeen, where Miles is meeting with all of these
different medical professionals to talk about what's going on with
the chip, and it is a really wild conversation because
eventually Miles is like, well, what are the potential consequences
(03:55):
of removing it? And this dude respond in such a
way as to make it clear what he thinks. Miles
means regarding consequences is to the chip, because he is
prioritizing retaining any data on the chip over the well
(04:17):
being of the man himself, which is actually devastating. It
makes sense, you know, in this like weird, awful way,
but it just made me so sad because Ilian is
like he has sort of stopped being a person since
(04:42):
getting this chip implanted. He is seen in a different
way now as like an asset, but only because of
the chip, so that when it comes time for that
to be taken out of you know, factors, now he
is significantly less important. And I just found that so
(05:03):
fucking sad. Guys, I really it didn't occur to me
that this was going to be the way it went,
and it should have, because honestly, it's not really like
a new attitude. We've seen this sort of thing before.
It's just like, I guess, honestly, a big part of
(05:26):
my surprise is I expected everybody to be pretty aware
of the relationship that Miles has with Alien, and for
them to approach things with that in mind as a
he is going to be sort of sentimental about this
(05:47):
whole thing, or do you know what I'm saying? Like
I kind of thought it was they were going to
be handling it like they would if they were talking
to a person in charge of an investigation into their
own father. And I think him being an auditor just
(06:10):
makes him seem so remote from the issue and so
separate that I don't know how well known it is
his close relationship with Ilian, but it feels like this
has caused him to occupy a different place in their minds.
And they are just pretty insensitive when it comes down
(06:30):
to it. That's sort of it. They are approaching things
from the direction they believe would be the imperium's priority,
and it's maybe it would be if Miles and Gregor
were different people, but they are, thank God who they are.
(06:51):
Let's see, Oh God, there's a mention to in scientists language,
the chip is turning to snot inside Alien's head. One
of you Bright apparently used just that phrase in his hearing.
By the way, one of Avackley's assistants had the grace
to look guilty. Yeah, that's uh. I feel like this
(07:12):
is something that comes up a lot. Is like people
thinking that patients can't hear them or can't understand them,
and them speaking within hearing distance very freely in a
way that does a lot more damage than they realize
it does. A plane removal with no attempt to save
the ship would in fact be a reasonably simple operation.
But the brain is a complex thing. We don't know,
(07:34):
for example, to what extent it has rerouted its own
internal functions around the artifact in thirty five years. And
then there's the psychological element. Whatever he's done to his
personality that has allowed him to work with and stay
sane will be unbalanced. How much cognitive damage are we
talking about? Rubaal shrugged helplessly. And let's see, our orders
(07:59):
were to save the chip or as much of the
chip's data as could be retrieved, I would presume, because
the data is vital to ISECT and the imperium, and
Miles is like thinking through what could be on it,
and it's just like I don't see it as being
like he would have written down anything that we're truly
important somewhere anything else, it would be like personal or
(08:21):
recent or petty, and I just don't think that's actually
that important. Which I am curious if this is going
to prove to be incorrect later, because Miles doesn't know everything.
Like it's as simple as that, you know, So I
guess we'll find out. When should we start, my lord?
(08:43):
I'd like you to be finished in two hours. Miles
wrapped the table and rose, Thank you, gentlemen dismissed. I've
got to say I admire so much how Miles is
able to embrace being in charge. Really, I want to
be this kind of person in certain areas of my life,
(09:06):
and I find it so difficult, and I think it
could be really really useful, but it is just something
that like doesn't It's it's not like leadership doesn't come
naturally to me, although I don't know if the leadership
and being in control freak are really strictly the same thing.
(09:27):
But I do find it, especially as a woman, difficult
to like throw my weight around in such a decisive
way without making it clear I am aware I could
be mistaken, which is the exact wrong way to go
about a lot of this. And every time that I
see Miles like just doing the damn thing. I'm like, God,
(09:53):
I want to be like that. So he calls Gregor
and tells him about the removal and gets his blessing
on it, and then he goes back to speak to Haroche,
and this conversation it's like a really interesting It's not
(10:19):
explicitly said, but it feels like both of them reached
the end of the convo kind of being like, Huh,
you are more competent than I really gave you credit for,
and I am impressed by you in a way that,
you know, I just feel maybe they would never have
(10:40):
had the opportunity to reevaluate each other if it weren't
for what was happening right now. So Horoche, he basically
like indicates that he was looking at miles records and
he says, I'd seen you flitting in and out of
here for years. I was aware you were covert ops,
but I was not always fully aware of which covert
(11:00):
ops or how many. No wonder you were alien's pet.
His gaze on miles decorated tunic was now more calculating
than disbelieving. And let's see. Uh. He mentions the chip removal,
and he thinks that it might be crippling, and Miles
is like, it's pretty fucking crippling at the moment, So
(11:24):
I think that this is for the best. And also
the fact that there was nobody around him that he
knew made him so agitated and so violent that it
like he fucked up a lot of people and then
wound up naked and in restraints And this didn't have
to be this way, and you should have allowed some
folks around him, And he says I hadn't gone down
(11:48):
to the clinic to inspect in person, which Miles is like, Okay,
well that is cowardly, But also I get it. Ivan
and I were able to do a lot just by
being I've thought of another person who could do even more.
I think Lady Alice or Patrol should sit with him
until the surgery is prepared. You and Lieutenant or Patril are,
(12:09):
or at least were oath sworn military personnel. She's a
civilian and barred by her gender from most oaths, but
hardly a non person for all of that. If I must,
I will order her admittance on my authority as auditor.
But I wanted to give you a chance to mend
your mistake. If nothing else, you should be alive to
(12:30):
the fact that, as Gregor's baba and closest senior female
senior female relative, she will be in charge of all
the social arrangements for the Emperor's wedding. You may still
be acting head of IMPSECT at that time. How this
fits into your security challenges should be obvious. The Empress
Lisa may make new arrangements once she's installed, but in
(12:52):
the meantime, Lady Alice is the old guard in charge
of the transition. And he asks then Horoche says, how
did Ilian get along with you all? When he was
no more vore than I am? And Miles says, I
(13:14):
think he enjoyed the spectacle. By the time I came
to know him, I think he'd come to feel the
Imperium was a creation he helped to maintain, an almost
seed againd in attitude in a weird way, more of
an artist to his medium than a servant to his master.
Ilian played Gregor's servant with great panache, But I don't
(13:36):
think I've ever met a less servile human being. And
Heroche seems to really understand exactly what it is that
Miles is saying, and I think appreciates the fact that
Miles being voor and saying this, There's no indication of
resentment from Miles. He is not saying this with the
(13:57):
sense of like, how dare he It's almost this admiration
of the way that Alien engaged with it all from
a distance, and that he was impressed and respected it,
you know. And I think that Miles not taking that
(14:19):
personally in any way. That Karoche is judging this conversation
just as much about how Miles reacts to this assertion
than the assertion itself. So finally he calls up Lady
Alice and is like, hey, so I think that you
should come, that it'd be good for him. And she's like,
I fucking told you that, And he's like, I know
(14:40):
you did, and you were right. Can you get there?
And she says, I can be ready in fifteen minutes.
Miles wondered if haroshe appreciated what an awesome statement this was.
It could take a high more lady fifteen hours to
get ready to go places sometimes. And she's says, thank you, General,
(15:01):
and thank Lord Forrkosigan too. Huh, said Heroche. His mouth
twitched lopsidedly. She is sharp in certain areas within her
personal expertise. One of the sharpest one wonders, how lord Ivan, Ah, Well,
I swear to God, you guys, the way everybody regards Ivan,
(15:25):
it's like his name is becoming a slur. At this point,
I'm like, Ivan, if you don't start working on your reputation,
I don't know if you are ever going to be
able to accomplish anything. Like a part of me is
really I respect the game of wanting to fly under
(15:45):
the radar and not get pulled into things because you're
not seen as particularly exceptional or whatever. I get that approach,
and I understand why you would handle things that way.
But like now, I'm at this place where I'm thinking, thinking, Okay,
you're getting old enough that this could really kick you
in the ass. There might be a point where you
(16:07):
start to reconsider whether this was the right approach. Like, ah,
I don't know, but yeah, it was very funny. Everybody
just completely dismisses him, and I just don't think they should.
I just don't think. So let's see, Uh. As hard
(16:28):
as it may be for you to grasp, this is
heroche Considering the history of your attitude to most of
your commanding officers, and it says just which files had
he been reading. I do want to do a good job.
Do your duty is not enough. The lower ranks are
filled with men who merely do their duty and no more.
(16:50):
I'm not a suave man, never have been. I didn't
ask for this emergency. I will likely never be as
smooth and polished as Alien. But I mean to do
as good as you and I fully believe him, and
I think that Miles says too. So uh, let's see.
He goes back to Ivan and reports that Ivan's mother
(17:12):
is going to be coming in, and I love that
Miles can't help but toy with Ivan a little bit here,
because Ivan is very much like, oh my god, thank
god you're back. This sucks. I hated every second of it.
And Miles is like, well, your mom is coming in.
And as soon as Ivan is like oh good, Miles
is like, but do you think it's going to be
too much for her, like basically threatening to take her
(17:34):
off the duty that he has just promised her for
and forcing Ivan to be like no, no, no, she'll
be fine. She's tough. Oh god. So he has to
sit down and do the thing where he just is
like waiting again for the version of Ilian that is
in the present, and finally he comes back and he
(18:00):
tells Ilian, we're going to take the chip out, and
Ilian and this had not occurred to me, but Ilian
basically is like, oh my god, I feel like I
might rather that you just kill me. He looks really
freaked out by it, and just as he says like,
I think you rather, I'm I think I might rather
I just die, and Miles says that's not an option.
(18:22):
He goes away again, and this all starts to get
closer and closer together till later on there's a point
where his eyes are flashing and it's clear he isn't
even in the moment he is in for long enough
to verbalize it before he's moving on into the next one.
Let's see, Oh yeah, when Lady Alice comes in, I'm
(18:45):
so sorry about the death of Lord war Patrol. If
I had only known where you were in the city.
I was trying to get Admiral Kenzie and out. If
only I'd known And let's see, that's interesting, had a
wall checking a monitor read out on the wall. His
blood pressure dropped a bit there, and Miles says, yes,
(19:09):
I'm not surprised, And I can't read that because it
doesn't feel like he's considering there is a romantic thing there. Later,
so him saying not surprised if it like, is he
just thinking that it's purely a familiar face and that's
all that that's about. So uh, the actual procedure for
(19:34):
getting it out of his head is really a lot
simpler than I was expecting it to be. And then
Miles seemed to expect as well. Uh, let's see, I'm
trying to find the did you because it's like, you know,
a few days and they have to contact That's right.
(19:56):
His it was had used to being doctor Hugh Kanaba
Jackson's hole. He now goes by Vaughan Weddell, and he
has a new face as well, because obviously we have
to change up what he looks like so that they
can't track him down. So he's in the mix here,
and Miles thinks to himself about how this guy does
(20:20):
think quite a lot of himself, but also has the
ability is to back it up and so it's hard
to like hold it against him. Really doesn't like the guy,
but can respect what it is he does. Let's see,
that was simpler than I anticipated. Miles commented several orders
of magnitude simpler than installing. It must have been agreed
(20:43):
the surgeon. I had a horrible few minutes when I
first looked at the map of the thing, thinking I
was going to have to go in and remove all
those neural connectors, until I realized they could just be
left in C two essentially because nothing is flowing through them.
It's fine to leave them. They're just inert. So he
wakes up and it actually seems like his mind is
(21:08):
pretty intact, but he clearly has this like gesture that
accompanies when he would normally be pulling up a memory,
this movement of his hand that he keeps doing by reflex,
and it made me think of like when you play
a video game for a really long time on a
(21:31):
certain console and then you start playing a new game
on a different console and you have to completely relearn
the keypad on your controller because you just keep This
was something that happened with me with this game that
I was playing with my husband. I had a particular
(21:52):
key that would like use a weapon that was essentially
a rocket launcher that I could only use once every
like thirty minutes in game. And I fucking kept setting
it off because I was not used to that controller.
And then there were other things that I would press
(22:13):
expecting a thing to happen, and nothing would happen because
it wasn't set up this way. And I've an alien
making this hand gesture. It just it's I'm not sure
if the gesture itself causes the memory to surface for him,
causes the chip to activate somehow, or if it's just
(22:36):
sort of a gesture that he has adopted for his own.
You know how this can be where it's sort of
like the equivalent of doing something where it takes a
lot of concentration and you bite your lip, that kind
of thing. I wasn't sure if it was more of that.
And he keeps doing it, and I'm like, I have
(22:57):
to assume he probably will for years. It's going to
take a long time to unlearn something that's been almost
three decades in his head, right or longer. So let's see,
barring new developments, I'd be willing to release him after
(23:20):
two days of close observation. The surgery was not very invasive.
It almost qualified as minor physically, so, yeah, this seems
to be doing well, and we shall see doctor Vaughan
Woodell named doctor Hugh Knabo of Jackson's Hole, had paler skin, now,
(23:42):
darker hair, and light hazel eyes in place of the
original dark brown color he'd sported when Myles had first
met him. What else? Eyes widened seeing Miles. Miles smiled grimly.
He hadn't thought the good doctor would have forgotten Admiral
Lee Smith. And it didn't occur to me that, like
Miles is coming at him in a different identity. Here,
(24:05):
I keep losing track of who knows him how, and
so he has to be like, actually, this is who
I was originally, and you know, lets him in on
this secret and mentions Torah and wed Ella's like, oh wow,
she's still alive. Huh, that's surprising. So let's see. Admiral
(24:31):
Backley is presumably brief to you. Do you have any
ideas yet? Several I'll be looking for signs of sabotage.
If I can't find any, we may end up dubbing
it natural causes. By default. The analysis will take several
days if it's done thoroughly. I want you to be thorough.
Molecule by molecule if necessary, Oh, it will have to
(24:52):
be and remember, while you're inside him sex Labs and
certainly part of a team, you are not inside insects
chain of command. You'll be reporting directly to me. That's
very interesting. Yeah, it is. He's basically like, you know,
(25:12):
do you do what I say and what they say whatever,
We'll sort of ignore it as the case may require.
So he goes to speak to Ilion again, how long
have you been here? Only about four days, I guess,
or five? Now, that's rather unexpected. He touches the auditor's
(25:38):
chain and Miles is like, yeah, we had to find
a work around because her roche was not letting me in.
So Miles goes home and he's looking at the chain
and he's thinking about how technically some people would say
his case about Ilion is like wrapping up now, but
(26:00):
he feels until we know exactly what caused this, it's
not resolved, and so he holds onto the chain. There's
a consideration later about like whether he is going to
want to keep this job or not, and like it
just seems perfect to me for him, I feel like
(26:21):
he should, but I also recognize that, like I, it
would be a big change of approach in a lot
of ways for Miles, from what he had used to do,
he'd become I don't want to say less of an
(26:41):
active participant in things, because I actually don't think that's true,
but there would be. He would be more of like
an investigator and less an action hero. And probably his
investigations could lead to action, but it wouldn't be a give.
It would be a result of extenuating circumstances. So Kees
(27:09):
goes home and he's wandering around the house thinking about
how like empty and large the places with just him
in it, and he thinks about Quinn. He ought to
give up any pretense of his returning to the Dandari
and just promote her to admiral period or would personnel
assignments now be Herochio's job. Miles would have trusted Ilian
(27:31):
to handle Quinn. But did Haroche have the insight the
imagination required, which, considering his attitude towards women, is definitely
not certain. And let's see, we coded General Haroche kidnapping
murmured General Horoche hardly that sir an invitation to Ilian
(27:54):
to enjoy the hospitality of Vorkosigenhaus during his convalescence, and
they just kind of have a back and forth of
like is this actually going to be as secure as
it should be, and Miles points out if somebody did
sabotage his chip, it's more than likely that that happened
here at imsect, so if anything, he'd be safer Evorko
(28:15):
Skinhause than he is here, and doctor Ruibal is like, yeah,
I'm going to see him for his checkups. It wouldn't
be any more difficult there, and apparently, like all seems
pretty solid with Ilian in terms of his general health,
but his short term memory is fucked. And later on,
(28:38):
Miles like, under the pretense of just passing the time,
he decides to engage Ilien in a card game which
previously there was no beating Ilian, but both Miles and
Lady Alice wind up wiping the floor with the guy,
and Ilien says finally like, oh, I'm tired, but it's
clearly fucking him up that whatever it was that he
(29:00):
had is not there anymore. And I can't help but
wonder if, like, you know, his short term memory might
be fucked right now, but maybe it's because he never
had to exercise it for so long. It was always
the chip doing the work, So perhaps there are connections
in his brain that have to be remade, you know.
There it may simply be that, like he's let part
(29:24):
of his mind atrophy, and it's just look in the
Year of Our Lord twenty twenty five, our brains are
fucked up. Right. The way that social media functions and
the way that media in general tends to function, has
(29:45):
shaped and changed the way our minds operate, how we
absorb information, how we are able to concentrate, and on what.
And I have no doubt that a chip in your
brain would do something thing pretty dramatic to the like
thought processes that you normally have over time. So maybe
(30:09):
it doesn't ever go back to well, I was going
to say, go back to normal, but it will never
be what it was because the chip is gone. I
guess what I mean is maybe his short term memory
will never improve beyond what it is now. But I
kind of think it might, and it just will take
(30:29):
a long enough time that it might be a problem
considering what his work is, you know. And maybe Hero
is going to be in this position longer than expected originally.
So anyway, Lady Alice, when she hears that Alien is
(30:49):
going to stay at Vorkosagen House, is very, very approving
and Miles also emphasizes how like you're also in this
windowless room here. I know that I really missed windows
when I was in the hospital. And Ilian says something
about how like, well, you know, windows are all well
(31:10):
and good, but that's also how somebody like poisoned your
parents and caused you to be born with all these anomalies,
So forgive me for not loving windows the same way.
But Miles says, well, they have like force fields on
all the windows now because of that exact thing, so
don't worry about it. And he mentions, also, I have
(31:31):
this new cook. I even mentioned your new cook. Iligan
admitted at length. Yes, said lady Alice, a faintly calculating
look crossing her fine features. Was she regretting that the
days of horse cattle and surf raids upon neighboring lord's
property were gone forever. I really like that idea, that
(31:55):
she's just sort of like I would love to poach her.
Oh what a shame. This is exactly what I even
warned him about to begin with. So let's see, let's see,
I'm trying to find the next okay, uh Martin. Martin
(32:15):
wafted them back to Workosagan house in the fusty luxury
of the old armored ground car. They arrived at Ilian's
new digs to find Alice directing a cleanup crew who
were just departing flowers, soap and towels and fresh sheets
had all been laid on. If Miles ever made good
his threat to tourn Borkosagen House into a hotel, he
(32:35):
knew who he wanted to hire for his general manager.
Martin spent all of five minutes distributing Ilien's meager belongings
to their new storage, then was packed off by Alice
to the kitchen. And there's something about this. This is
always something that gets me. Is the description of a
place that has been neglected coming back to life due
(32:58):
to people being here, finally, due to spaces that have
seen no soap and water being cleaned out, windows open,
letting fresh air in. It all. Just really is this
feeling of there's a hopefulness to it, you know, a
(33:21):
space that isn't necessarily unwelcoming exactly, but is just like
disused and forgotten, maybe not appreciated being woken up. It's
just I don't know, I just really like it. As
part of why I love the Secret gardens so much,
and it reminded me of that a little bit, especially
(33:42):
with like how Miles tends to want to go it
alone a lot. There's also a quality of him allowing
people into his space or inviting them into his space
that feels like he is growing as a person, and
I like that as well. After a round of tea
(34:04):
and cream, little sandwiches, stuffed eggs, meatballs and plum sauce,
the famous spiced peach charts, sweet wine, and some decorated
killer chocolate things with the density of plutonium that Miles
didn't even know the name of, everybody was relaxed. I'll
bet this just made me really want to throw a
(34:24):
tea party, just you know, for myself. Alien is talking
about what his mind has been like, and he's like,
it just feels like a dream. Everything is fragmented and
there's just a sort of like gloss over it that
(34:44):
makes it less distinct. I'm used to being able to
pull things up in full technicolor and detail, and I
can't do that, and it's weird. And I seem to
be able to recognize things, I just can't recall them properly.
Nothing comes up, there's nothing there Alice was instantly alert
(35:07):
to Ilian's rise and tension. All the past is like
a dream, she noted soothingly. It's how most people remember
all the time. Maybe you can think back to your
youth before old Azar ever had the chip installed. If
things come back to you about like those times, do
that's perfectly normal, normal for you. Hm. She frowned and
(35:31):
sipped the dregs of her tea as if to mask
her lack of an answer for this, and Miles like, well, see,
the reason I'm asking is because you know, we needed
let's see, we needed something to top impsect and there's
(35:51):
not much else that can After Admiral of Occley's team
gets done with their experiment examination of the chip, I'm
going to have to turn in a proper auditor's report.
If they deliver a verdict of natural causes, that's the
end of it. But if they don't, I was wondering
if you would be able to recall anything, any moment
or event that might have cloaked the administration of some
(36:14):
form of sabotage. And he's just like man without my chip,
that exact thing is so difficult to do. Like the
whole way that this works is they sabotage the evidence
of their sabotage. I can't do anything, And Miles was
prepared for this answer, had hopes that maybe there was
(36:35):
something else, but knew it was likely. And I am
so sorry, but I can't stop thinking about Lisa, and
I just I don't know, guys, I really don't. I
really don't. I just keep thinking about her and whether
she had anything to do with this, And I don't
(36:57):
know why. I can't shape my suspicion. I just don't
have There's literally no actual evidence connecting her. It's just
the circumstantial nature of her appearance on the scene and
her relationship to Komar. That's it. And other than that, nothing,
(37:18):
It's not enough, but it's fucking niggling at me in
the back of my brain. So anyway, they mention how
Haroche is handling things quite well. He has chosen Colonel
Vortala to help him, which Ilian seems to think is
a really good choice. And this is when they do
the card game and it's clear it's not doing too well.
(37:43):
And let's see, what do you think of Heros's appointment
for security for Gregor's wedding. Miles asked casually. Who did
he appoint? Asked Ilian, who would be your first pick?
Colonel Vortala? I think, ah, said Myles. Alice, rising to
take her leave, winced. Ilian frowned suddenly, his eyes narrowing,
but he added nothing more faintly defiant. He waved Miles
(38:07):
back to his seat and saw Lady Alice out to
her car with courtly punctilio. Yeah, it's an interesting thing
that happens later when they are around some other people
and it feels like everybody is getting that they need
to drop hints about what's going on, little reminders into
the conversation. Just I don't know, it's fascinating, let's see.
(38:33):
Doub Glenny comes by the second evening and he is
not expecting Ilian to be here and starts to be like,
maybe I should just leave. The Komaran borne officer was
stiff and uncomfortable dining with his formidable former chief, all
that history weighing on his mind. Glenny diplomatically pretended not
(38:54):
to notice Ilian's frequent lapses of memory and attention, and
swiftly picked up Myles's technique of sprinkling little reminder remarks through
his conversation to help Ilian stay on track, or at
least maintain the illusion he was doing so. And then
Lady Alice and Ivan are dropping by all the time,
(39:16):
and Ivan it's always just in time to be able
to eat with Miles, which is the combination of him
and a bunch of other people clocking what an incredible
cook Miles has. Means that people keep doing this and
as well so that his grocery bills starts to really
go up. And I love this detail so much. And
(39:42):
a vocallee was scientifically guarded in his comments on updates,
but Miles was able to construe they were making steady progress,
at least in the elimination of a negative hypothesis. Miles
did not lean on a vocleey for more definitive statements.
This was one case where they really couldn't afford hurried
mistakes in either direct and there was no need for haste.
Whatever harm was going to be done had been done,
(40:05):
which is a good attitude. I am not sure it's true.
I mean, you know what I'm saying, I really like,
I'm so suspicious of this whole thing. I don't know,
I don't know, I don't know. So let's see the
mill cryonicist and neurologist who had teamed up to tackle
his case at last managed to trigger one of miles
seizures in their lab, and they figure out what exactly
(40:30):
what's going on. Your brain began generating an unusually high
level of neurotransmitters after your cryonic revival, and they build
up to this abnormal level. So there's a layover view
and he shows him like in this imagery. Then something
(40:52):
happens to trigger some unusually heavy brain activity, stress or
excitement of some kind, and the reservoirs cascade really all
at once. This is the spike in the graph there.
This shuts down your normal neural functions temporarily and your
transmitters reservoirs empty out below normal levels. Thus the few
(41:15):
minutes of unconsciousness, then equilibrium begins to reassert itself and
you return to consciousness and the psycho begins again. It's
entirely biochemical rather than phase electrical, and all of this
is very interesting, but Miles is just of course practical
minded and is like, okay, super what are we doing
(41:36):
about it? And he says like, I don't think that
there's going to be any surgical treatment that's going to
do anything, and so Miles is like, okay, what is though,
And there's just this long pause and he is sitting
there ah ah hmm, he added after a time Miles waited,
(42:02):
clutching his fragile patience. Doctor Tenko's medical creativity would surely
not be enhanced by having an Imperial auditor launch himself
over the comp console and attempt to strangle him. So
he finally says, well, we could install a chip, and
(42:26):
Biles is like, oh, really, I don't love it. I
just don't. And he's like, this isn't like Alien's chip,
which was really risky and brand new. This is a
thing that has existed for a long time and has
gone undergone lots of trials and is way way safer.
(42:51):
But I also don't think it's really right for this case.
And Miles is like, oh my god, then what is
Like he just keeps cycling through things and being like, no,
not that though, And finally he's like, we're gonna have
to talk about it, you know, me and your other doctors,
and it's going to take a while for us to
come up with something. So by the end of this section,
(43:12):
we don't have an approach for this yet let's see.
He goes home and he finds Ilian all dressed up
and ready to go, and he says, Lady Alice has
asked me to be her escort at a concert she
wishes to attend. A concert. I didn't know you had
(43:34):
an interesting concerts where the Vorbar Sultana Company hall. I
don't know if I have an interesting concerts or not.
For all the time I've run security on that building,
I never once had a chance to sit down and
watch and listen to the show myself and a concert.
(43:55):
How unexpected, Alien's first appearance in public since his breakdow
would certainly have an interesting effect on the Capitol's rumor mills.
He looked as sharp as he ever did when he
troubled to clean up and play the Imperial Officer. The
surgical scratch was almost healed, and with his thinning hair
combed over, hardly noticeable. It was not even obvious. The new,
(44:16):
vague uncertainty in his eyes was different from the abstracted
inward look he used to get when accessing his chip.
But if it had been sabotaged, would somebody want to
try again? Miles could imagine a depressed Ilien courting assassination,
but it seemed unfair to take Miles only down with him,
(44:37):
and he says, what are you doing for security? And
Alien is like, that's not my problem. That's somebody else's
problem to figure out. I think I'm just gonna leave
him to it, and he has a look like it's
a combination I think probably of like a little bit
of regret, but also this novel feeling of oh, oh
(45:00):
my god, it's not my issue. I don't have to
It makes me think of like, sometimes when I worked
at this resort in Connecticut, I would on a very
flush week come into the place I worked for dinner,
and how how it felt to be walking in but
(45:22):
not expected to do any of the usual side work
or hosting or whatever. So he watches ilian get into
the car with Lady Alice Uh, and just as they
are about to leave, Iliane is like, oh, bt Dubbs,
your mom is heading back and she's going to be
here in five days, and Miles is like, not ready
(45:47):
to see her. He is avoiding her due to her
like incisiveness honestly in a way that a part of
me understands, and another part of me is like, she
could help so much Miles, with you sorting through some
of the things you're going through, I feel like you
are just really you are not helping yourself here. But
(46:08):
I also do understand that I see Cordelia from the
outside of like this just incredible woman, and this is
his mom, and just we have baggage around our parents
observing us, so it makes sense and let's see, don't
be childish, Miles, aunt Alice said firmly. Her poker face
(46:31):
driver raised the canopy, and Ilien helped her settle herself
in her dress neatly. Within all those years of close
observation of the vore class had certainly taught him the moves,
Miles had to admit, which I was sort of gratified
to hear. I just like the fact that maybe, like
you know, there's a lot of shit that's fucked up
in his memories, but then there's like little things like
(46:53):
this where I'm like, well, he's getting to do new
stuff though, and that's kind of fun. And then he
stays up late and Alien doesn't come back until two am.
Alien looked alright, if slightly rumpled and notably redolent of
(47:16):
the esters of fine wine and perfumes. Where were you
all this time? All what time? Since the concert ended? Oh?
We wrote around, had a late supper, talked, you know,
talked well. Lady Alice talked. I listened. I found it RESTful.
Did you play cards? Not tonight? Go to bed? Miles.
(47:41):
They made out. He's rumpled because they made out in
the back of the car. Mark my words talked, get
the fuck out of here. Miles, wake up. It's crazy
to me that this doesn't occur to him. Let's see anyway,
(48:04):
why shouldn't Ilion have a normal light out? He didn't
fall over and have convulsions in public. Miles growled and
went to bed, but not to sleep. It was going
to be a wearing weight for Chenko's call from Immil.
So he then gets the call, and we've ruled out
(48:25):
the possibility of a purely medical approach. If only one
or two chemicals were involved, it might be possible, but
you're over producing dozens or even hundreds, maybe all of them.
A second approach looks more promising. We can micro miniaturize
a version of the neural stimulators were used in the
lab to trigger your seizure. This array could be permanently
(48:47):
installed with feedback sensors that would report when your reservoirs
were becoming overloaded, you could use the stimulator to voluntarily
trigger a seizure in a controlled time and place, and thus,
so to speak, deffuse yourself safely. And what this would
mean is if he was able to monitor this really closely,
(49:10):
he could potentially be safe to drive again swim. What
he really wants to know is if he could go
back to being in command. But yeah, this doctor understandably
is like, I do find it weird that you were
only sent to us to study what's going on with
(49:31):
your seizures after you were discharged. It should have been
the other way around, which you know, we know why.
But it's a good question. So let's say you need
extraordinary mitigating circumstances to engineer yourself anything but office work.
(49:56):
Desk work was no temptation, no threat to the continued
existence of Lord Warcosigan. To spend the rest of his
career in charge of the laundry or worse, as weather
officer on some backwater base, waiting forever for promotion, no
be sensible. He'd doubtless end up in a comfy cubicle
down in the bowels of ipsect analyzing data garnered by
(50:17):
other Galactic affairs agents collecting pay raises on a regular schedule,
but spared the stresses of promotion to department head or
chief of impsec. If only he hadn't falsified that thrice
damned report. Yeah, that really was not a good idea.
It really wasn't. And in the end is just sort
(50:43):
of like, look, that sounds like a great way to
manage this, but it's not a cure. And he's like, no,
it's not. We need somebody smarter than me, to be honest,
We've got to you know, we're still working on something.
But and Miles is like, all right, for now, we
could try it. Forgive my curiosity, my lord. But why
(51:05):
in the world would an Imperial auditor wish to be
reinstated into the service as a mere impsect lieutenant. I'm
only an acting auditor. I'm afraid my tenure ends when
my case is closed. And what is your case? Highly sensitive? Oh?
Quite sorry? Shutting down his calm console, Myles reflected on
(51:27):
Schenko's very good question. He didn't seem to have a
very good answer for it. It's because he wants that
fucking high man. I'm telling you, he like I think
he could still get it as an auditor. I think
the kinds of issues that you could shake loose as
(51:50):
an Imperial auditor could potentially get you into some very
hot water if you were good at your job. And
he could find himself stimulated in a way that might
it's some of that scratch that he's got, you know,
no scratch, some of thatch the other way around. But
(52:13):
and I'm sort of surprised that this has not occurred
to him at all. And I don't know, maybe maybe
I'm misunderstanding what kinds of cases he would be assigned to,
But I feel like it could be it could it
could be something. You know what I'm saying. I just
(52:35):
really want Miles to have a little bit more imagination
about this whole thing. And I understand the truth is, guys,
I don't understand. I'm gonna be really, really straightforward and
say people who are adrenaline junkies are a mystery to me.
(52:59):
As somebody with things, I just don't really get it.
And it's the sort of thing like, in a respect,
I could see it being like a one time surge
of excitement, being a refreshing little moment in your life
(53:20):
that kind of makes you feel something new. After being
alive a little while, things can get a little tedious
and samey, and so you throw in something wild to
just mix it up a bit. But like Miles and
the way he wants to be out here in battle,
(53:42):
risking his life all the time and thwarting people with
real power, I love it for him and I love
reading about it, but it is just the opposite of
anything I would want to be involved in. So every
time that I try to really get at where he's
coming from on this, I can only understand it in
(54:04):
this hypothetical kind of way and not in a gut
understanding kind of way. The best I can do is
sort of recontextualize it in my own mind as the
opposite and be like, what if it were me and
I were potentially going to be put out into a
(54:24):
job that was really high risk if I didn't get
a clearance to go back to my much more calm
and steady job. And even that is difficult for me
to really like wrap my head around, because what I
do for work isn't usual, you know, being a full
(54:48):
time podcaster. This is not your nine to five, and
it isn't something that even feels exactly safe. It's not
really dependent on everybody who pledges on Patreon and everybody
who commissions these episodes for my income. So it is
actually quite risky what I'm doing. But the way that
(55:13):
I rationalize to myself is that any job that you have,
no matter how stable it might seem, unless you are
in a union, you are at risk of being let
go at any time for any reason. So ultimately, in
a sense, what I do for work is like more
(55:35):
stable than it is for many people who work quote
real jobs. So I try and sort of like think
about it that way, where what I do would be
seen as really risky by many people, and maybe correctly
so there's just an added dimension to it that makes
(55:58):
it feel like it's not really accurate though to me,
And I don't think that anybody could argue that's not
really accurate though. About Miles is taking risks as Admiral Naysmith,
it's just as risky as it actually looks. That's not
a matter of opinion. He died, He literally died, and
(56:19):
when he had a seizure, he accidentally cut someone's legs off.
Because that is the height of the situations that he
finds himself in the stakes are bonkers, So trying to
like put myself in that frame of mind, it's just
very hard for me to really get it. And all
(56:43):
I can think is just you are at an age, sir,
where doing what you've been doing is not going to
be as easy for you anymore. You know, it'll still
he'll be able to get away with it for like
maybe another five years. Right around thirty five is when
you start to really feel your age. Earlier, sometimes depending
(57:05):
on if you are not taking care of yourself in
the first place, but if you are somebody who has
sort of managed to keep yourself in some shape and
eat decently, thirty five is when it starts to become
a parent. All of that stuff is going to get harder.
You start to realize it's not having the effect it
used to have, or when you get ill or injured,
(57:28):
you don't bounce back the way that you used to.
And that's on top of the injury and his seizures,
you know. And I just feel like I'm not trying
to say by any means that as I began to age,
(57:49):
I took it gracefully, but I did sort of begin
to realize I couldn't keep doing the work I had
been doing in retail or in kitchen, because that's so
physical and it just takes a toll on you as
you get older. That is a lot harder to bear.
And so part of me switching into the work that
(58:09):
I did was to take that strain off of myself physically.
In some ways, it may have been a mistake, because
that was also activity that was likely helping me to
stay in better physical condition than sitting at a desk.
And that's the rub always, is that balance between taking
(58:35):
it easier in one respect, but not so easy that
you wind up doing a different kind of damage. I
don't think we have to worry about that with Miles,
I really don't. He's going to be doing a little
bit more than he should be perpetually, that's just who
he is. But I want him to have a little
bit more imagination around what he could be doing as
an auditor or potentially just like helping the people in
(58:58):
the hills around him. Look at the difference his intervention
made in that community. How much could he accomplish And
it's so worthy and it feels like something happened there
for him. When he revisited and he isn't letting himself
feel it fully, and I want him to, just like
(59:21):
I want him to allow himself to fully consider the
options that he has here on Barry Are, And it
feels like he only had this one idea of staying
Nae Smith, and now that that's been taken from him,
he's just totally at sea and being vorkose again doesn't
(59:49):
have any real like purpose attached to it, and I
want him to start considering it more fully instead of
his the accidental landing place he might wind up in
if the only other thing he wants is taken from him.
So I guess we'll see. I guess we'll see. I
(01:00:10):
guess we'll see. I have to wrap this up, but
thank you guys again very much for hanging out with me.
Thank you to Sophia for commissioning this episode very much.
Looking forward to reading the next chapters. I probably will
be doing that tonight, And until next time, to the Loom, motherfuckers.
(01:00:58):
That was an unspoil failed network podcast
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