Jennifer Finlayson-Fife: Why You Really Need Self-Compassion

Jennifer didn't start life with much confidence, but through several struggles she learned important lessons on self-confidence & compassion. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife: Why You Really Need Self-CompassionBioJennifer Finlayson-Fife is a wife, mother of three, as well as a licensed clinical professional counselor in the state of Illinois. She has a PhD in counseling psychology. Her teaching and coaching focuses on helping members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, both individuals and couples, achieve greater satisfaction and passion in their emotional and sexual relationships. Jennifer teaches online relationship and sexuality courses, workshops and retreats designed to foster self and sexual development and create happier relationships and individuals. She's a frequent guest on podcasts and writes articles for blogs and magazines on the subjects of sexuality, relationships, mental health and faith. Self-SufficiencyGrowing up, Jennifer was no stranger to hard work. With eight children in the home, there was never very much extra money. The basics were taken care of, but if she wanted anything she had to pay for it herself. Jennifer was born legally blind and had many eye surgeries. At 12-years-old, she wore very thick, coke bottle glasses. She wanted to get contact lenses. So she started making Christmas decorations to sell. The first year she made around $150. Jennifer saved that money and did the same thing the next year, as well as adding gingerbread house sales on top of her other decorations. That year she made $400, allowing her to buy her contact lenses. Jennifer was able to stay on top of the upkeep costs by continuing her Christmas decoration business. She also started doing exterior and interior painting in the summers to add to her growing income. At the time Jennifer saw this challenge as a burden. She usually didn't have as much money to spend as her friends with allowances, but now she recognizes the lessons she learned. She learned that she could attend to her own suffering and wants by working hard to make things better. Self DoubtDespite all of her hard work, Jennifer always felt very awkward. She typically only had two pairs of pants and two shirts for the year. She hit adolescence very late, so she was always very small compared to her peers. Jennifer wasn't very interested in the things her peers were interested in, and felt that they were immature. She was more connected to her family than the social world. She struggled to find a group where she fit in. Jennifer felt misunderstood by her peers, which made her very self-conscious. She didn't think she was very pretty either. She was a little afraid of being in a relationship with a boy because she felt that meant she had to be a step down from them. Jennifer acknowledges that many teens and even adults feel the same way she did. It's OkKnowing what she does now, Jennifer says that it is developmentally appropriate to have some self- doubt during the teenage years. It's ok to be uncertain about who you are and what you're really about, because you haven't lived long enough to sort it all out. The challenge is when we get stuck worrying about how other people feel about us and trying to keep other people happy as a way to feel good about ourselves. While it's normal to start out with referencing other people to make sense of ourselves, if we keep doing that then we will struggle to have a solid sense of self. If you need other people to make you feel good about yourself, you're either going to need people constantly telling you that you're ok or you'll be very demanding and always trying to get other people to yield to you. While being bossy may seem like it comes from a place of self-confidence, it's actually a weak position because it requires control of other people. Self ConfidenceJennifer says there are two important parts of developing true self-confidence. First, you have to live up to your own value. This means you...