January 6, 2014 • 14 mins
We introduce our system and why we are doing the podcast.
The website is HERE.
You can join the Community HERE. Remember that you will not be able to see much until joining groups. Message us if we can help!
You can contact the podcast HERE.
Content Note: Content on this website and in the podcasts is assumed to be trauma and/or dissociative related due to the nature of what is being shared here in general. Content descriptors are generally given in each episode. Specific trigger warnings are not given due to research reporting this makes triggers worse. Please use appropriate self-care and your own safety plan while exploring this website and during your listening experience. Natural pauses due to dissociation have not been edited out of the podcast, and have been left for authenticity. While some professional material may be referenced for educational purposes, Emma and her system are not your therapist nor offering professional advice. Any informational material shared or referenced is simply part of our own learning process, and not guaranteed to be the latest research or best method for you. Please contact your therapist or nearest emergency room in case of any emergency. This website does not provide any medical, mental health, or social support services.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Over:
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about
Dissociative Identity Disorder.If you are new to the podcast,
we recommend starting at thebeginning episodes and listen in
order to hear our story and whatwe have learned through this
endeavor. Current episodes maybe more applicable to long time
listeners and are likely tocontain more advanced topics,
(00:33):
emotional or other triggeringcontent, and or reference
earlier episodes that providemore context to what we are
currently learning andexperiencing. As always, please
care for yourself during andafter listening to the podcast.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
I guess in this first podcast, I mostly wanted to
explain myself. I guess I can'treally. That's why I'm here.
I've watched a lot of videos onYouTube from different systems
that shared their experiences ofbeing diagnosed or living with
dissociative identity disorder.I really appreciated these, and
(01:18):
they were super helpful.
But, also, because of mylifestyle and things going on, I
don't actually have a lot oftime to sit and watch videos,
and so I was looking forpodcasts that I could listen to
on the go. But I only found afew, and most of those were
episode specific, not a wholeseries. I don't know that I can
(01:39):
do a podcast as expertly as theycan do their fancy videos, but I
thought I would at least try incase there's someone else out
there like me that needspodcasts instead of videos. And
besides that, I figure moreinformation out there, the more
helpful it could be to morepeople. My name is Sasha, and I
(02:00):
wanted to get something rightfor a change.
So I got permission to do thiseven though I really wanted to
just do it on my own. There arethings to share to tell about
DID. I guess maybe starting withwhat it is, but mostly it means
that there's lots of us thatlive in this body. Emma thinks
it's her body or maybe thatshe's the main one or the first
(02:23):
one, but none of that true, butshe doesn't understand it yet.
I've been around for a longtime, and I know a lot more than
what I will just say here rightnow.
And I tell her things sometimes,but she doesn't wanna listen
yet, or maybe she doesn't knowhow. Maybe if anything, this
podcast could help her as muchas it could help us and as much
(02:43):
as it could help other peoplelike us. I don't know. It was
just an idea. She's 36.
I'm 17. I remember pretty farback, maybe from the beginning,
maybe not exactly the beginning,but pretty early, more than she
knows. Life was pretty roughback then. It's better now, and
(03:04):
we're mostly safe. We've had togo inpatient and learn all kinds
of things or how to have boringmeetings and things to make sure
that we're safe.
But for myself, I still have towrite on my hand sometimes or
draw or color on my skin as oneway of keeping me safe when I
get really upset or have a hardtime. Until we found the groups
(03:24):
this summer, I didn't know thatthere were other people out
there like us. I think it'skinda cool, but it's also kinda
scary. And just because we'vebeen through stuff, it's hard
for me to make friends because,you know, I want to be sure
people are safe and stuff. But Ithink I found some good ones,
and that's kind of exciting.
I really appreciate the peoplewho are further along in the
(03:46):
process or already know so muchwho have not only had the
courage to share their stories,but have also been kind enough
to reach out to me or to supportus and the others to sort of
help us all learn together. Ithelps us feel less alone in what
has been a really scary world sofar. I don't know what to tell
(04:06):
you as we get started and as youget to know us a bit. Emma's
married. She has kids.
They're young. There's anotherone who works and another one
who mostly is the wife andmother. Emma doesn't know them,
but I know them. They know aboutthe podcast, but they don't
wanna be on it yet. That's okay,though.
(04:27):
Maybe it can just be my ownthing finally, something I can
do without getting into trouble.Taylor's also here, older than
me, not out right now, but kindof aware of what we're doing,
and she knows about the podcast.I don't think she'll come out
unless maybe I do somethingwrong or something happens where
we need her. She's kind of aprotector. I didn't know that
(04:50):
was a word for her.
I thought it was just being abully, but I guess that's not
the same thing. So I'm learningabout that still. Emma doesn't
know about her yet. Sometimes itcauses big problems. Like, one
time, we had to go to thedentist.
Well, I mean, we have to go tothe dentist a lot. But because
of stuff we've been through, thedentist is really hard,
(05:11):
actually. I hate going to thedentist. But one time, it went
really bad, and Taylor punchedhim in the throat. I was kind of
jealous she got to throat punchsomebody for real.
Also, we had to get a newdentist. Emma doesn't remember
anything before getting married.I remember way back, but things
(05:34):
I remember, she doesn'tremember. That's part of having
DID. I didn't know it had aname.
I thought everybody was justlike this or nobody was like us.
She thought she was crazy. I'mthe crazy. I like to have
friends, and I like to havepeople to talk to, and I'm more
social than she is. But I don'tlike getting in messes, and I
(05:55):
hate drama.
And sometimes it's really hardto find people who understand
you, but who also can take careof themselves without it only
being drama. Like, I wanna behealthy. I wanna be a decent
human being and have my own lifewhere I can be happy, but that
means trusting people in ways Idon't know how, and it means
taking care of yourself in waysI don't know how. We go to
(06:20):
therapy every week on Mondays,actually, for us. She's really
good, and we like her a lot,except it's always hard, and I
hate it.
I don't hate the therapist. Ijust hate therapy. It took us
four years to find a really goodtherapist. I don't know where
(06:40):
our therapy journey started. Iguess in college maybe.
Maybe before that. We had to runaway when we were 17. That was
me. I did the running away.There was a family that let me
live with them as long as wetook care of their kids.
So that's how we kept from beinghomeless and she was able to
finish school. But that ladytook us to college, and when we
got to the college, she told thedean of women, who was also like
(07:03):
the on campus counselor, that wehad nightmares and that we had
been abused and that we had toldher things that I know he didn't
say, so I don't know who toldher. But she told the counselor
all these things. It was reallyembarrassing. She did it right
there in the enrollment line.
I couldn't believe it. I didn'tgo back to that house on break.
(07:24):
We just stayed homeless duringholidays. Later, I lived with
professors sometimes, but thatwasn't always good and actually
complicated things later too,but that's a different part of
the story. But this Dina woman,we saw her for a while.
She wasn't licensed, though. Ididn't know then that that was
important, but she didn't have alicense, and she was just doing
(07:46):
it for the school. We had tojournal a lot, we had to write,
and she said we couldn't stay inschool if we didn't keep seeing
her. Do you know what she didwhen she found out there were
others of us inside? She made alist of the people she could
figure out and names she hadgotten and wrote up paragraphs
(08:09):
like describing us like on ourbios on the website except
without our permission and shesent them to all of our
professors.
It was horrible. It was horribleand it caused all kinds of
problems inside and outside. Shealso mailed our journal home to
the parents. We hadn't even seenthem in two years. It was maybe
(08:35):
one of the most violatingexperiences of my life, and I
had already been through a lot.
I was so angry. But the one whowas in school, she wanted to
finish school, and they said wecouldn't stay in school if we
didn't have therapy. So theysent us to some kind of trauma
(08:56):
specialist that was out ofstate, and every week, one of
the professors drove us twohours for therapy and then back.
It was so boring, and it wasawful, and it was not good, and
that therapist was not any morehelpful. And then everyone knew
our business, and it all justescalated.
That was my first experience oftherapy. What it did do, though,
(09:20):
that was helpful was we got awayfrom the family. We needed that
just for safety. So I guess itwasn't all bad because we did
learn a lot about safety. That'salso the first time we went in
the hospital.
Like I said, I don't wanna talkabout that today. We saw that
therapist for several years, butthen we moved for grad school.
(09:44):
We tried to get a differenttherapist then, but it was hard
to find somebody who understoodtrauma, and it was hard to find
somebody who understood DID. Westill didn't have a name for it.
We didn't understand what wasgoing on exactly, but we had
gotten closer than when westarted with the crazy lady at
the college.
(10:04):
So different times in life whenthings got hard, we sometimes
went to therapy for help fromdifferent people, but never
found a good match really. Butthen, like, five years ago, the
parents died, both of them. Alsoanother story. Also not one I'm
gonna tell today. But when theydied, we really needed help
(10:25):
because it brought up lots oflayers, and there were lots of
complications for that,obviously.
Obviously. Through a crazy chainof events, we were able to find
a therapist maybe about threeyears ago. I don't know. Time
gets kinda fuzzy. She didn'tknow anything about DID, but she
(10:46):
did know about trauma.
Well, trauma for kids, but therewasn't anyone where we lived
that could work with trauma andadults. That doesn't even make
sense to me. Also, I'm not anadult, but I am, but I'm not.
This therapist did sand tray, sowe had to play in the sand every
week. There were some thingsthat were good and helpful, like
(11:07):
being able to show some of whathappened to us.
But there were other things thatwere not helpful, at least for
us. Like, we never reallyprocessed it or got to talk
about it or say anything aboutwhat it meant. We just went
every week for a year, made thesame sand tray every week for a
year, and then left every weekfor a year, and nothing ever
(11:28):
happened. We never talked aboutit. We never said anything.
There was no processing at all.Other things also weren't
helpful. Like, she was alwayshot, so she left the door of her
office open, like, all the wayopen right into the waiting
room. So it was really hard toget comfortable to say anything
even if we did get the chance.She also spent all of her
(11:51):
sessions playing on her laptopand printing things and getting
ready for her child clients.
She didn't like it if we didn'ttalk, but she also didn't help
us talk. So we never reallyfigured it out, and it was just
kind of a bad match. The onewho's a mother and a wife, I
wish I could just say theirnames. I'm working on it. I'll
(12:13):
try and ask permission.
I mean, I have asked permission,but they're not ready yet. But
it would be easier even if theydon't wanna be in the podcast if
I could at least say theirnames. But, anyway, the one
that's the wife and mother, shetried for that long to work with
the Sand Tree lady because sheat least knew about grief and
trauma, which is why she thoughtshe was going because her
(12:34):
parents died. But they weren'teven her parents, and she still
doesn't understand that. And thetherapy was terrible, so we
finally left.
Now we have a really good t whohas lots of experience with DID,
and she's amazing. I wish Icould explain. Maybe some of you
know what it's like to havereally bad therapists or go
(12:55):
through really bad therapy orwait so long to find a good one,
and we're so grateful we finallyfound this one. But she's four
hours away, and so every Monday,we get up at, like, four in the
morning and drive four hours tobe there by 10:00, and then we
see her for two hours and comehome that afternoon. It's
(13:19):
exhausting, but if any of youhave had that same search for
trying to find a good therapist,you know why it matters and why
it's worth it and why we stillgo.
That's a little bit of ourbackground. I guess we're to the
point now where Emma knows thatwe have DID, and the husband
knows that we have DID, and theyboth kind of understand what it
(13:42):
means, but only like in areading a worksheet on a page
kind of understanding, not in athey get me or understand what
it's like to be me. That'sanother reason I wanted to do
the podcast. Anyway, so that's astart. My first effort, we'll
see how it goes, but I wouldlike to keep talking.
What do you think? Is it helpfulat all? Is there anything
(14:04):
specific we should talk about?Mostly, I just wanna share as
things unfold to kinda recordour journey, because maybe it's
more helpful if she can listen,and maybe it's more helpful if
someone like me who really needsthose videos that are amazing
out there but can't always havewireless or always have, like,
time to sit and watch videos.And so someone else like me
(14:26):
maybe needs podcasts too.
So we'll put it out there andsee. But don't be haters, guys,
because we don't wanna upsetTaylor. Thank you for listening.
(14:48):
Your support really helps usfeel less alone while we sort
Speaker 2 (14:51):
through all of this and learn together.
Over:
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about
Dissociative Identity Disorder.If you are new to the podcast,
we recommend starting at thebeginning episodes and listen in
order to hear our story and whatwe have learned through this
endeavor. Current episodes maybe more applicable to long time
listeners and are likely tocontain more advanced topics,
(00:33):
emotional or other triggeringcontent, and or reference
earlier episodes that providemore context to what we are
currently learning andexperiencing. As always, please
care for yourself during andafter listening to the podcast.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
I guess in this first podcast, I mostly wanted to
explain myself. I guess I can'treally. That's why I'm here.
I've watched a lot of videos onYouTube from different systems
that shared their experiences ofbeing diagnosed or living with
dissociative identity disorder.I really appreciated these, and
(01:18):
they were super helpful.
But, also, because of mylifestyle and things going on, I
don't actually have a lot oftime to sit and watch videos,
and so I was looking forpodcasts that I could listen to
on the go. But I only found afew, and most of those were
episode specific, not a wholeseries. I don't know that I can
(01:39):
do a podcast as expertly as theycan do their fancy videos, but I
thought I would at least try incase there's someone else out
there like me that needspodcasts instead of videos. And
besides that, I figure moreinformation out there, the more
helpful it could be to morepeople. My name is Sasha, and I
(02:00):
wanted to get something rightfor a change.
So I got permission to do thiseven though I really wanted to
just do it on my own. There arethings to share to tell about
DID. I guess maybe starting withwhat it is, but mostly it means
that there's lots of us thatlive in this body. Emma thinks
it's her body or maybe thatshe's the main one or the first
(02:23):
one, but none of that true, butshe doesn't understand it yet.
I've been around for a longtime, and I know a lot more than
what I will just say here rightnow.
And I tell her things sometimes,but she doesn't wanna listen
yet, or maybe she doesn't knowhow. Maybe if anything, this
podcast could help her as muchas it could help us and as much
(02:43):
as it could help other peoplelike us. I don't know. It was
just an idea. She's 36.
I'm 17. I remember pretty farback, maybe from the beginning,
maybe not exactly the beginning,but pretty early, more than she
knows. Life was pretty roughback then. It's better now, and
(03:04):
we're mostly safe. We've had togo inpatient and learn all kinds
of things or how to have boringmeetings and things to make sure
that we're safe.
But for myself, I still have towrite on my hand sometimes or
draw or color on my skin as oneway of keeping me safe when I
get really upset or have a hardtime. Until we found the groups
(03:24):
this summer, I didn't know thatthere were other people out
there like us. I think it'skinda cool, but it's also kinda
scary. And just because we'vebeen through stuff, it's hard
for me to make friends because,you know, I want to be sure
people are safe and stuff. But Ithink I found some good ones,
and that's kind of exciting.
I really appreciate the peoplewho are further along in the
(03:46):
process or already know so muchwho have not only had the
courage to share their stories,but have also been kind enough
to reach out to me or to supportus and the others to sort of
help us all learn together. Ithelps us feel less alone in what
has been a really scary world sofar. I don't know what to tell
(04:06):
you as we get started and as youget to know us a bit. Emma's
married. She has kids.
They're young. There's anotherone who works and another one
who mostly is the wife andmother. Emma doesn't know them,
but I know them. They know aboutthe podcast, but they don't
wanna be on it yet. That's okay,though.
(04:27):
Maybe it can just be my ownthing finally, something I can
do without getting into trouble.Taylor's also here, older than
me, not out right now, but kindof aware of what we're doing,
and she knows about the podcast.I don't think she'll come out
unless maybe I do somethingwrong or something happens where
we need her. She's kind of aprotector. I didn't know that
(04:50):
was a word for her.
I thought it was just being abully, but I guess that's not
the same thing. So I'm learningabout that still. Emma doesn't
know about her yet. Sometimes itcauses big problems. Like, one
time, we had to go to thedentist.
Well, I mean, we have to go tothe dentist a lot. But because
of stuff we've been through, thedentist is really hard,
(05:11):
actually. I hate going to thedentist. But one time, it went
really bad, and Taylor punchedhim in the throat. I was kind of
jealous she got to throat punchsomebody for real.
Also, we had to get a newdentist. Emma doesn't remember
anything before getting married.I remember way back, but things
(05:34):
I remember, she doesn'tremember. That's part of having
DID. I didn't know it had aname.
I thought everybody was justlike this or nobody was like us.
She thought she was crazy. I'mthe crazy. I like to have
friends, and I like to havepeople to talk to, and I'm more
social than she is. But I don'tlike getting in messes, and I
(05:55):
hate drama.
And sometimes it's really hardto find people who understand
you, but who also can take careof themselves without it only
being drama. Like, I wanna behealthy. I wanna be a decent
human being and have my own lifewhere I can be happy, but that
means trusting people in ways Idon't know how, and it means
taking care of yourself in waysI don't know how. We go to
(06:20):
therapy every week on Mondays,actually, for us. She's really
good, and we like her a lot,except it's always hard, and I
hate it.
I don't hate the therapist. Ijust hate therapy. It took us
four years to find a really goodtherapist. I don't know where
(06:40):
our therapy journey started. Iguess in college maybe.
Maybe before that. We had to runaway when we were 17. That was
me. I did the running away.There was a family that let me
live with them as long as wetook care of their kids.
So that's how we kept from beinghomeless and she was able to
finish school. But that ladytook us to college, and when we
got to the college, she told thedean of women, who was also like
(07:03):
the on campus counselor, that wehad nightmares and that we had
been abused and that we had toldher things that I know he didn't
say, so I don't know who toldher. But she told the counselor
all these things. It was reallyembarrassing. She did it right
there in the enrollment line.
I couldn't believe it. I didn'tgo back to that house on break.
(07:24):
We just stayed homeless duringholidays. Later, I lived with
professors sometimes, but thatwasn't always good and actually
complicated things later too,but that's a different part of
the story. But this Dina woman,we saw her for a while.
She wasn't licensed, though. Ididn't know then that that was
important, but she didn't have alicense, and she was just doing
(07:46):
it for the school. We had tojournal a lot, we had to write,
and she said we couldn't stay inschool if we didn't keep seeing
her. Do you know what she didwhen she found out there were
others of us inside? She made alist of the people she could
figure out and names she hadgotten and wrote up paragraphs
(08:09):
like describing us like on ourbios on the website except
without our permission and shesent them to all of our
professors.
It was horrible. It was horribleand it caused all kinds of
problems inside and outside. Shealso mailed our journal home to
the parents. We hadn't even seenthem in two years. It was maybe
(08:35):
one of the most violatingexperiences of my life, and I
had already been through a lot.
I was so angry. But the one whowas in school, she wanted to
finish school, and they said wecouldn't stay in school if we
didn't have therapy. So theysent us to some kind of trauma
(08:56):
specialist that was out ofstate, and every week, one of
the professors drove us twohours for therapy and then back.
It was so boring, and it wasawful, and it was not good, and
that therapist was not any morehelpful. And then everyone knew
our business, and it all justescalated.
That was my first experience oftherapy. What it did do, though,
(09:20):
that was helpful was we got awayfrom the family. We needed that
just for safety. So I guess itwasn't all bad because we did
learn a lot about safety. That'salso the first time we went in
the hospital.
Like I said, I don't wanna talkabout that today. We saw that
therapist for several years, butthen we moved for grad school.
(09:44):
We tried to get a differenttherapist then, but it was hard
to find somebody who understoodtrauma, and it was hard to find
somebody who understood DID. Westill didn't have a name for it.
We didn't understand what wasgoing on exactly, but we had
gotten closer than when westarted with the crazy lady at
the college.
(10:04):
So different times in life whenthings got hard, we sometimes
went to therapy for help fromdifferent people, but never
found a good match really. Butthen, like, five years ago, the
parents died, both of them. Alsoanother story. Also not one I'm
gonna tell today. But when theydied, we really needed help
(10:25):
because it brought up lots oflayers, and there were lots of
complications for that,obviously.
Obviously. Through a crazy chainof events, we were able to find
a therapist maybe about threeyears ago. I don't know. Time
gets kinda fuzzy. She didn'tknow anything about DID, but she
(10:46):
did know about trauma.
Well, trauma for kids, but therewasn't anyone where we lived
that could work with trauma andadults. That doesn't even make
sense to me. Also, I'm not anadult, but I am, but I'm not.
This therapist did sand tray, sowe had to play in the sand every
week. There were some thingsthat were good and helpful, like
(11:07):
being able to show some of whathappened to us.
But there were other things thatwere not helpful, at least for
us. Like, we never reallyprocessed it or got to talk
about it or say anything aboutwhat it meant. We just went
every week for a year, made thesame sand tray every week for a
year, and then left every weekfor a year, and nothing ever
(11:28):
happened. We never talked aboutit. We never said anything.
There was no processing at all.Other things also weren't
helpful. Like, she was alwayshot, so she left the door of her
office open, like, all the wayopen right into the waiting
room. So it was really hard toget comfortable to say anything
even if we did get the chance.She also spent all of her
(11:51):
sessions playing on her laptopand printing things and getting
ready for her child clients.
She didn't like it if we didn'ttalk, but she also didn't help
us talk. So we never reallyfigured it out, and it was just
kind of a bad match. The onewho's a mother and a wife, I
wish I could just say theirnames. I'm working on it. I'll
(12:13):
try and ask permission.
I mean, I have asked permission,but they're not ready yet. But
it would be easier even if theydon't wanna be in the podcast if
I could at least say theirnames. But, anyway, the one
that's the wife and mother, shetried for that long to work with
the Sand Tree lady because sheat least knew about grief and
trauma, which is why she thoughtshe was going because her
(12:34):
parents died. But they weren'teven her parents, and she still
doesn't understand that. And thetherapy was terrible, so we
finally left.
Now we have a really good t whohas lots of experience with DID,
and she's amazing. I wish Icould explain. Maybe some of you
know what it's like to havereally bad therapists or go
(12:55):
through really bad therapy orwait so long to find a good one,
and we're so grateful we finallyfound this one. But she's four
hours away, and so every Monday,we get up at, like, four in the
morning and drive four hours tobe there by 10:00, and then we
see her for two hours and comehome that afternoon. It's
(13:19):
exhausting, but if any of youhave had that same search for
trying to find a good therapist,you know why it matters and why
it's worth it and why we stillgo.
That's a little bit of ourbackground. I guess we're to the
point now where Emma knows thatwe have DID, and the husband
knows that we have DID, and theyboth kind of understand what it
(13:42):
means, but only like in areading a worksheet on a page
kind of understanding, not in athey get me or understand what
it's like to be me. That'sanother reason I wanted to do
the podcast. Anyway, so that's astart. My first effort, we'll
see how it goes, but I wouldlike to keep talking.
What do you think? Is it helpfulat all? Is there anything
(14:04):
specific we should talk about?Mostly, I just wanna share as
things unfold to kinda recordour journey, because maybe it's
more helpful if she can listen,and maybe it's more helpful if
someone like me who really needsthose videos that are amazing
out there but can't always havewireless or always have, like,
time to sit and watch videos.And so someone else like me
(14:26):
maybe needs podcasts too.
So we'll put it out there andsee. But don't be haters, guys,
because we don't wanna upsetTaylor. Thank you for listening.
(14:48):
Your support really helps usfeel less alone while we sort
Speaker 2 (14:51):
through all of this and learn together.
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Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!