July 16, 2018 • 22 mins
Sasha shares what she has learned from group led by The Crisses, including language about ANPs and EPs.
The website is HERE.
You can join the Community HERE. Remember that you will not be able to see much until joining groups. Message us if we can help!
You can contact the podcast HERE.
Content Note: Content on this website and in the podcasts is assumed to be trauma and/or dissociative related due to the nature of what is being shared here in general. Content descriptors are generally given in each episode. Specific trigger warnings are not given due to research reporting this makes triggers worse. Please use appropriate self-care and your own safety plan while exploring this website and during your listening experience. Natural pauses due to dissociation have not been edited out of the podcast, and have been left for authenticity. While some professional material may be referenced for educational purposes, Emma and her system are not your therapist nor offering professional advice. Any informational material shared or referenced is simply part of our own learning process, and not guaranteed to be the latest research or best method for you. Please contact your therapist or nearest emergency room in case of any emergency. This website does not provide any medical, mental health, or social support services.
★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Over:
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about
Dissociative Identity Disorder.If you are new to the podcast,
we recommend starting at thebeginning episodes and listen in
order to hear our story and whatwe have learned through this
endeavor. Current episodes maybe more applicable to longtime
listeners and are likely tocontain more advanced topics,
(00:33):
emotional or other triggeringcontent, and or reference
earlier episodes that providemore context to what we are
currently learning andexperiencing. As always, please
care for yourself during andafter listening to the podcast.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
I want to tell you today about group. I mentioned
it a few episodes ago, but wesigned up and got accepted into
a group for like just foursessions in two weeks. So it was
super intense, but it was withthe Chris's. That's a system
(01:21):
who's doing some coaching, andI'll put a link to their website
in the blog again, in case youwanna look it up or find out
more information. But also, theKrisses are one of the
presenters for the Infinite MindHealing Together conference that
is coming up in Orlando at theend of the month.
(01:44):
So we're super excited becausewe are going to that and got to
be in this group to learn thestuff that they know or wanted
to share or coach us on inpreparation for this conference.
Right? So it's been crazy andsuper, super powerful and
(02:07):
empowering and overwhelming andover stimulating. So I don't
want to talk about the group orthe people in the group or
things said in the group becausethat's like group rules, right?
So that's legit and I want toleave that alone, but I can talk
about what I learned and what weas a system learned.
(02:29):
I already shared this a fewepisodes ago when we talked
about internal worlds andinternal landscapes and trying
to make changes. So we are stillworking on the same things we
talked about like with theChristmas lights for example,
and again that's just one tinytiny thing, but for us it's a
(02:50):
really big deal and a startingplace. And honestly, I have just
realized today while I was ingroup actually, that I think one
reason that that has been kindof paused, not stalled out and
not changed, but why it's beenhard to go much further, is
because we haven't seen ourtherapist. So maybe some of you
(03:12):
are okay enough to not need towork with your therapist, but we
need our therapist and we needhelp and want to check-in about
it and make sure that we're notmessing things up. But we've had
all this snow and it keepsdisrupting everything.
It's crazy. People are losingpower, and it's been cold, and
our furnace went out. All ofthese things. And so it goes
(03:36):
back to, like, needing safety onthe outside to make sure we have
safety on the inside. But we areworking on it and we are
progressing and I promise tokeep updating you as we learn
more about the whole internalworld landscaping process of
like making changes so thatpeople are in on the inside are
(04:00):
safe and can communicate andfeel welcome and have what they
need and things like thatbecause it's super important as
far as working together as asystem But it's hard work, and
we have a lot to learn.
Other systems have worked onthis for a long time, like years
(04:21):
already. So definitely check outsome of the videos online from
different systems who havealready shared about internal
landscapes or things like that.I've also already shared that
another thing that I learnedabout was ANPs and EPs, and that
means different kinds of altersinside. So ANPs are apparently
(04:45):
normal parts meaning normal tothe outside observer kind of
functioning in the externalworld. So that's me some of the
time, that's the good doctor atwork, That's the one who is kind
of the mother to the outsidekids.
Like she's an A and P. So theselike develop, I learned in
(05:08):
group, these like develop tosort of function, to develop as
personalities, to become anapparently normal functioning
person. Right? But that's wherethere's a lot of amnesia to the
past. So like not knowing abouthappened to the littles or
whatever.
Not knowing what happened todifferent things. Or like the
(05:29):
good doctor doesn't know squat.Like she knows nothing even
about stuff that's happened tome. Okay? Because she can't work
and function if she knowseverything.
So we're just not even gonna gothere like maybe ever so that's
one kind and then another kindor group or functional like
(05:51):
label I don't know the words arethe EPs which are emotional
parts. The EPs are parts thatdevelop specifically for trauma
or in response to trauma orholding feelings. So some of
these might be protectors orhelpers or different kinds of I
(06:12):
don't know all the right wordsfrom the good doctor I'll have
to do that but like specificspecific things and some of
these are the ones stuck in timeloops which is a phrase I also
learned from the Chris's ingroup about like specific
memories or time periods thatwere difficult or things like
that. Right? So one thing Ilearned though that is new for
(06:39):
me and I'm trying really hardbut it is hard for me is about
how these parts or people orinsiders or others I don't like
parts at all.
We never say parts, but it'scalled EP, emotional part. So
like, then the language gets inyou, but it's gross and I don't
want that in me. So I'm gonnacall them e something else, like
e o's, emotional others orsomething. I don't know. But
(07:05):
that these people are also justas valid as I am, even if
they're on the inside more thanthey're on the outside.
So like for me, I often am justfocused on the mother to the
outside kids and the good doctorwho like has to work so that we
can have a house and pay ourbills and things like that. And
(07:26):
like fighting with them fortime. So like that's where my
focus is is that I wanteverybody just to stop working.
We don't need to clean thehouse. We don't need to be on
the computer.
I just wanna watch a movie witha husband or maybe go out to eat
or do something fun for achange. Please. Like that's all
I really care about. What I amlearning though is like all
(07:49):
these others that I know arethere and I even know more about
them than like the good doctorknows as far as who they are and
why they're here. But what I amlearning is that they matter,
those other the EPs or whateveror the other groups or or the
ones that don't necessarilyfunction on the outside as much,
(08:10):
that they are just as importantas the rest of us.
What? I know. Right? And that inour system, inside, there are no
good guys or bad guys. Like weall matter.
This is so completely foreign tome and so mind blowing. I don't
(08:33):
even know what to do with ityet. So what helped me was when
she talked about it like as asystem. So what I could think
about is like social justicewhich is like a legit passion of
mine and really really importantto me. It's like classism or
something.
You guys are the bad guys andI'm the good guys. So like I'm
(08:55):
so privileged or whatever andyou are just oppressed. That's
not okay. And it's not okay withme out there in the world. So
why would that be okay with meon the inside?
Like oh talk about like shame orshock or just one of those
painful moments of selfawareness where you're like I
(09:15):
really have had no compassionwhen I thought I was a decent
person. Apparently not a decentperson to myself. Oh my goodness
I learned so much. So we can'tdivide up into who is good and
who is bad because it causesimbalance, it like reinforces
(09:36):
trauma messages, it isolates usfurther, it can be re
traumatizing them, it excludesthem from help, and it creates
those same panic responses likefight, flight, or freeze. And
there's actually a lot more, butthat's the Chris's stuff.
So I don't wanna go into it, butI'm hoping to have them on the
(09:57):
podcast and let them talk aboutit. The whole point is that when
you do that, it loses trust. Sothose who are like quote quote
persecutors become morepersecutory. Wow. I just said a
really hard word.
But bam, I get a badge for that.Because you've isolated them and
(10:17):
you're not helping them andyou're not listening to them or
paying attention to what needthey're meeting and instead it's
more important the same as likethe therapist would say or the
good doctor would say of like Ineed to focus on myself and my
own behavior and my owninteractions instead of worrying
(10:39):
about everybody else and whatthey're doing wrong. Like I need
to focus on myself and takecontrol of my own behavior and
be aware that even when I'mfronting or outside or the one
who's like out dealing with theworld or the husband or the kids
(10:59):
or whatever, that there areothers inside who may be aware
or are watching and they knowwhat I say and I can't do things
like invite communication orwork together as a system if I'm
out slamming everybody the wholetime. Shame on me and snap like
(11:22):
oh I'm so busted this is a realproblem so I have to learn how
to be nice to people for onething. The other thing about
communicating though is likeactually listening to people.
So this is another way that Ihave been like totally corrected
because communication isn't justabout me getting to say whatever
(11:42):
I want. In fact, some filteringis required at times. So I have
a problem with that. But also,I'm supposed to like listen.
Yeah, that's not happening.
And I'm supposed to digest andthink about what it is they have
(12:03):
said or written in the notebookand then also respond to them.
So not just puking out whateverI wanna say, but also actually
interacting with them. I hatetherapy. I hate it so much. It
(12:23):
ruins everything.
No. Okay. So this is a thingthat I now understand in my
head, but I cannot hold it in myhands. Like, slips through my
hand like sand. Like, ah.
But I've seen a glimpse of it,and it's on my list of things to
take back to the therapist likewith landscaping of how to learn
(12:45):
how to do this. That brings meto the next point. One of the
things I learned in group isthat what is going on on the
outside reflects what's going onin the inside. So technically if
I don't know how to listen topeople or reflect back to them
(13:06):
what they need, then technicallyI'm just saying theoretically
here or hypothetically whatever,that technically that means
people didn't listen to me orrespond with what I needed.
What?
Now, how naked does that makeyou feel? Because that feels
(13:27):
pretty raw to me. So if I'm notknowing how to connect with
people at, like, an intimatelevel of listening and
responding to them, then who wasnot listening and responding to
me? Well, I know the answer, butI don't wanna talk about it
right now. But that's the thirdthing I need to talk about in
(13:48):
therapy.
So basically, what I learnedfrom group is that the more work
you do in group, the moretherapy you need to deal with
what you learned in group. SoI'm gonna need more coaching.
Four sessions is not enough.That is what I learned from
(14:11):
group. Four is not enough.
And then the other thing, ormaybe the last thing, probably
not, the last thing I reallylearned from group is that the
more that we are in our body andaware of each other and what's
going on internally andexternally, the more like
presence we have. And theChris's say that presence is
(14:37):
what is the opposite ofdissociation. They say that the
opposite of dissociation is notnot switching, but rather the
opposite of dissociation isbeing present and aware of
what's going on. And that themore present we are, the better
our boundaries will be, the morecongruent our life can be, and
(15:01):
the more healthy ourinteractions will be. What?
That seems pretty ideal andpretty far fetched from where I
am right now. Like, that seemsso impossible. Except here's the
thing, we are already better atit. Like, it's really working.
(15:23):
And so I don't know enough ofhow to explain that or help you
do it, but as I continuelearning, I will keep sharing
because it's a huge piece thatwe're learning.
And somehow it all relates backto what the therapist has been
saying for a year about how nowtime is safe. But I also learned
(15:51):
and I can do this myself withoutthe good doctor maybe this one
tiny piece maybe not if shetakes over that's not cool like
I'm saying I really want to trythis by myself because for me
talking about it helps me retainit like if I can say it and
verbalize it and visualize itwhile I'm talking about it, then
maybe it will stay in this brainthat we share. Right? I learned
(16:15):
that from group. But the reasonit's hard to remember that now
time is safe is because all ofus who share this body share the
brain also and the brain hasbeen impacted by trauma.
(16:40):
So there are chemicals andneural pathways in the brain
that we share that automaticallyrespond in trauma kinds of ways,
like trauma responses, eventhough maybe I went through this
(17:04):
trauma and John went throughthis trauma and this little went
through that trauma and thatlittle went through a different
trauma. Like our traumas may bedifferent, our experiences and
memories of it may be completelydifferent, or maybe only some of
this one and not of that one orwhatever. Like, it's all divided
up. That's the whole point. It'sDID people.
Right? But the point is thebrain itself that we share has
(17:29):
these trauma responses becauseof what the body has been
through. And so the CRISS havelike eight different ways that
that looks like and they allstart with an F and I want to
tell you about those things. Butlet me do it in their way, so
(17:53):
either they can come in on thepodcast and talk about it, or I
can link you to some of theirvideos or something. But like
fight, flight, and freeze arethe common ones you already
know.
But they have come up with fiveother ones that are similar
responses, but do differentthings or different approaches
or different responses to it.But when we get triggered and we
(18:14):
react to fear it comes throughone of these ways, right? And so
really it goes back to what thegood doctor was talking about,
about trust and mistrust. Andeven if the therapist says now
time is safe, until we alsoexperience that safety and at
(18:36):
the same time are able to trust,not just her but also that
safety that we're experiencing,then the other people inside may
respond from past time, likememory time, instead of
(18:57):
responding for now time. So forexample, like that's what a
trigger is.
Like, maybe you already getthis, but for me it was huge. So
like when Emma shared about thepanic attack because some dude
was coming in our house, thebrain response was from memory
(19:23):
time. Like that was what thatwas referencing, which we don't
need to go into right now on thepodcast, but what that was
referencing happened a long timeago. What was that was memory
time. What is happening now innow time was just that medical
supplies were being delivered.
(19:43):
Like it's kind of simple, right?Except that the brain in now
time was responding because ofpathways built in past time, in
memory time. So it felt like innow time was in memory time, but
it wasn't. We are safe. We areokay.
(20:05):
All this stuff that was so awfulis in the past. We already lived
through it, and this blows mybrains away. Wait. That's wrong
in English. Oh, I get it wrongevery time.
Mind blown. Something. Whateverit is. You know what I mean?
Like, what?
Like, it's so big. This isn'teven, like, I can't hold onto it
(20:27):
because it's slipping through myfingers like sand. This is like,
it's so big, it does not fitinside my skull. And that's why
we still need therapy because Ican't hold on to it by myself.
That's exactly why we needtherapy.
I need help holding on to that.It's so big but it makes sense
(20:48):
and it was like for a splitsecond, I understood it. I
couldn't hold on to it. Itdidn't fit inside my head. But
for a split second, I got it.
And for a split second, thatmeant that everything really was
okay because all the bad stuffreally is in the past, which
(21:09):
means it really is over, eventhough we're still like, ah,
dealing with it. So I don't evenknow how to respond. It was
huge. It was so, so huge. Andthose are the four things that I
really need to talk to ourtherapist about.
(21:29):
Unfortunately for me, it'ssnowing again. I'm going to
start developing a new trauma,and it's just going to be about
snow because not going totherapy because of snow is
starting to traumatize me, AndI'm not even at all mocking
trauma or being insensitive totrauma. I'm saying it's that
(21:51):
hard to only go to therapy oncea month when you're supposed to
be going every week. Also saidwith full respect to those who
can't even get to therapy rightnow for different reasons. But I
finally, after years and yearsand years, we finally have a
good therapist.
And she's four hours away. Andso to have finally found one and
(22:14):
started work and then right inthe middle of things, keep
missing sessions because of thesnow is making me crazy. Like,
we maybe were not crazy becauseof DID, but we might be crazy
because of the snow. I'm justsaying.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
Thank you for listening. Your support of the
podcast, the workbooks, and thecommunity means so much to us as
we try to create somethingtogether that's never been done
before, not like this.Connection brings healing, and
you can join us on the communityat www.systemspeakcommunity.com.
(22:55):
We'll see you there.
Over:
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about
Dissociative Identity Disorder.If you are new to the podcast,
we recommend starting at thebeginning episodes and listen in
order to hear our story and whatwe have learned through this
endeavor. Current episodes maybe more applicable to longtime
listeners and are likely tocontain more advanced topics,
(00:33):
emotional or other triggeringcontent, and or reference
earlier episodes that providemore context to what we are
currently learning andexperiencing. As always, please
care for yourself during andafter listening to the podcast.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
I want to tell you today about group. I mentioned
it a few episodes ago, but wesigned up and got accepted into
a group for like just foursessions in two weeks. So it was
super intense, but it was withthe Chris's. That's a system
(01:21):
who's doing some coaching, andI'll put a link to their website
in the blog again, in case youwanna look it up or find out
more information. But also, theKrisses are one of the
presenters for the Infinite MindHealing Together conference that
is coming up in Orlando at theend of the month.
(01:44):
So we're super excited becausewe are going to that and got to
be in this group to learn thestuff that they know or wanted
to share or coach us on inpreparation for this conference.
Right? So it's been crazy andsuper, super powerful and
(02:07):
empowering and overwhelming andover stimulating. So I don't
want to talk about the group orthe people in the group or
things said in the group becausethat's like group rules, right?
So that's legit and I want toleave that alone, but I can talk
about what I learned and what weas a system learned.
(02:29):
I already shared this a fewepisodes ago when we talked
about internal worlds andinternal landscapes and trying
to make changes. So we are stillworking on the same things we
talked about like with theChristmas lights for example,
and again that's just one tinytiny thing, but for us it's a
(02:50):
really big deal and a startingplace. And honestly, I have just
realized today while I was ingroup actually, that I think one
reason that that has been kindof paused, not stalled out and
not changed, but why it's beenhard to go much further, is
because we haven't seen ourtherapist. So maybe some of you
(03:12):
are okay enough to not need towork with your therapist, but we
need our therapist and we needhelp and want to check-in about
it and make sure that we're notmessing things up. But we've had
all this snow and it keepsdisrupting everything.
It's crazy. People are losingpower, and it's been cold, and
our furnace went out. All ofthese things. And so it goes
(03:36):
back to, like, needing safety onthe outside to make sure we have
safety on the inside. But we areworking on it and we are
progressing and I promise tokeep updating you as we learn
more about the whole internalworld landscaping process of
like making changes so thatpeople are in on the inside are
(04:00):
safe and can communicate andfeel welcome and have what they
need and things like thatbecause it's super important as
far as working together as asystem But it's hard work, and
we have a lot to learn.
Other systems have worked onthis for a long time, like years
(04:21):
already. So definitely check outsome of the videos online from
different systems who havealready shared about internal
landscapes or things like that.I've also already shared that
another thing that I learnedabout was ANPs and EPs, and that
means different kinds of altersinside. So ANPs are apparently
(04:45):
normal parts meaning normal tothe outside observer kind of
functioning in the externalworld. So that's me some of the
time, that's the good doctor atwork, That's the one who is kind
of the mother to the outsidekids.
Like she's an A and P. So theselike develop, I learned in
(05:08):
group, these like develop tosort of function, to develop as
personalities, to become anapparently normal functioning
person. Right? But that's wherethere's a lot of amnesia to the
past. So like not knowing abouthappened to the littles or
whatever.
Not knowing what happened todifferent things. Or like the
(05:29):
good doctor doesn't know squat.Like she knows nothing even
about stuff that's happened tome. Okay? Because she can't work
and function if she knowseverything.
So we're just not even gonna gothere like maybe ever so that's
one kind and then another kindor group or functional like
(05:51):
label I don't know the words arethe EPs which are emotional
parts. The EPs are parts thatdevelop specifically for trauma
or in response to trauma orholding feelings. So some of
these might be protectors orhelpers or different kinds of I
(06:12):
don't know all the right wordsfrom the good doctor I'll have
to do that but like specificspecific things and some of
these are the ones stuck in timeloops which is a phrase I also
learned from the Chris's ingroup about like specific
memories or time periods thatwere difficult or things like
that. Right? So one thing Ilearned though that is new for
(06:39):
me and I'm trying really hardbut it is hard for me is about
how these parts or people orinsiders or others I don't like
parts at all.
We never say parts, but it'scalled EP, emotional part. So
like, then the language gets inyou, but it's gross and I don't
want that in me. So I'm gonnacall them e something else, like
e o's, emotional others orsomething. I don't know. But
(07:05):
that these people are also justas valid as I am, even if
they're on the inside more thanthey're on the outside.
So like for me, I often am justfocused on the mother to the
outside kids and the good doctorwho like has to work so that we
can have a house and pay ourbills and things like that. And
(07:26):
like fighting with them fortime. So like that's where my
focus is is that I wanteverybody just to stop working.
We don't need to clean thehouse. We don't need to be on
the computer.
I just wanna watch a movie witha husband or maybe go out to eat
or do something fun for achange. Please. Like that's all
I really care about. What I amlearning though is like all
(07:49):
these others that I know arethere and I even know more about
them than like the good doctorknows as far as who they are and
why they're here. But what I amlearning is that they matter,
those other the EPs or whateveror the other groups or or the
ones that don't necessarilyfunction on the outside as much,
(08:10):
that they are just as importantas the rest of us.
What? I know. Right? And that inour system, inside, there are no
good guys or bad guys. Like weall matter.
This is so completely foreign tome and so mind blowing. I don't
(08:33):
even know what to do with ityet. So what helped me was when
she talked about it like as asystem. So what I could think
about is like social justicewhich is like a legit passion of
mine and really really importantto me. It's like classism or
something.
You guys are the bad guys andI'm the good guys. So like I'm
(08:55):
so privileged or whatever andyou are just oppressed. That's
not okay. And it's not okay withme out there in the world. So
why would that be okay with meon the inside?
Like oh talk about like shame orshock or just one of those
painful moments of selfawareness where you're like I
(09:15):
really have had no compassionwhen I thought I was a decent
person. Apparently not a decentperson to myself. Oh my goodness
I learned so much. So we can'tdivide up into who is good and
who is bad because it causesimbalance, it like reinforces
(09:36):
trauma messages, it isolates usfurther, it can be re
traumatizing them, it excludesthem from help, and it creates
those same panic responses likefight, flight, or freeze. And
there's actually a lot more, butthat's the Chris's stuff.
So I don't wanna go into it, butI'm hoping to have them on the
(09:57):
podcast and let them talk aboutit. The whole point is that when
you do that, it loses trust. Sothose who are like quote quote
persecutors become morepersecutory. Wow. I just said a
really hard word.
But bam, I get a badge for that.Because you've isolated them and
(10:17):
you're not helping them andyou're not listening to them or
paying attention to what needthey're meeting and instead it's
more important the same as likethe therapist would say or the
good doctor would say of like Ineed to focus on myself and my
own behavior and my owninteractions instead of worrying
(10:39):
about everybody else and whatthey're doing wrong. Like I need
to focus on myself and takecontrol of my own behavior and
be aware that even when I'mfronting or outside or the one
who's like out dealing with theworld or the husband or the kids
(10:59):
or whatever, that there areothers inside who may be aware
or are watching and they knowwhat I say and I can't do things
like invite communication orwork together as a system if I'm
out slamming everybody the wholetime. Shame on me and snap like
(11:22):
oh I'm so busted this is a realproblem so I have to learn how
to be nice to people for onething. The other thing about
communicating though is likeactually listening to people.
So this is another way that Ihave been like totally corrected
because communication isn't justabout me getting to say whatever
(11:42):
I want. In fact, some filteringis required at times. So I have
a problem with that. But also,I'm supposed to like listen.
Yeah, that's not happening.
And I'm supposed to digest andthink about what it is they have
(12:03):
said or written in the notebookand then also respond to them.
So not just puking out whateverI wanna say, but also actually
interacting with them. I hatetherapy. I hate it so much. It
(12:23):
ruins everything.
No. Okay. So this is a thingthat I now understand in my
head, but I cannot hold it in myhands. Like, slips through my
hand like sand. Like, ah.
But I've seen a glimpse of it,and it's on my list of things to
take back to the therapist likewith landscaping of how to learn
(12:45):
how to do this. That brings meto the next point. One of the
things I learned in group isthat what is going on on the
outside reflects what's going onin the inside. So technically if
I don't know how to listen topeople or reflect back to them
(13:06):
what they need, then technicallyI'm just saying theoretically
here or hypothetically whatever,that technically that means
people didn't listen to me orrespond with what I needed.
What?
Now, how naked does that makeyou feel? Because that feels
(13:27):
pretty raw to me. So if I'm notknowing how to connect with
people at, like, an intimatelevel of listening and
responding to them, then who wasnot listening and responding to
me? Well, I know the answer, butI don't wanna talk about it
right now. But that's the thirdthing I need to talk about in
(13:48):
therapy.
So basically, what I learnedfrom group is that the more work
you do in group, the moretherapy you need to deal with
what you learned in group. SoI'm gonna need more coaching.
Four sessions is not enough.That is what I learned from
(14:11):
group. Four is not enough.
And then the other thing, ormaybe the last thing, probably
not, the last thing I reallylearned from group is that the
more that we are in our body andaware of each other and what's
going on internally andexternally, the more like
presence we have. And theChris's say that presence is
(14:37):
what is the opposite ofdissociation. They say that the
opposite of dissociation is notnot switching, but rather the
opposite of dissociation isbeing present and aware of
what's going on. And that themore present we are, the better
our boundaries will be, the morecongruent our life can be, and
(15:01):
the more healthy ourinteractions will be. What?
That seems pretty ideal andpretty far fetched from where I
am right now. Like, that seemsso impossible. Except here's the
thing, we are already better atit. Like, it's really working.
(15:23):
And so I don't know enough ofhow to explain that or help you
do it, but as I continuelearning, I will keep sharing
because it's a huge piece thatwe're learning.
And somehow it all relates backto what the therapist has been
saying for a year about how nowtime is safe. But I also learned
(15:51):
and I can do this myself withoutthe good doctor maybe this one
tiny piece maybe not if shetakes over that's not cool like
I'm saying I really want to trythis by myself because for me
talking about it helps me retainit like if I can say it and
verbalize it and visualize itwhile I'm talking about it, then
maybe it will stay in this brainthat we share. Right? I learned
(16:15):
that from group. But the reasonit's hard to remember that now
time is safe is because all ofus who share this body share the
brain also and the brain hasbeen impacted by trauma.
(16:40):
So there are chemicals andneural pathways in the brain
that we share that automaticallyrespond in trauma kinds of ways,
like trauma responses, eventhough maybe I went through this
(17:04):
trauma and John went throughthis trauma and this little went
through that trauma and thatlittle went through a different
trauma. Like our traumas may bedifferent, our experiences and
memories of it may be completelydifferent, or maybe only some of
this one and not of that one orwhatever. Like, it's all divided
up. That's the whole point. It'sDID people.
Right? But the point is thebrain itself that we share has
(17:29):
these trauma responses becauseof what the body has been
through. And so the CRISS havelike eight different ways that
that looks like and they allstart with an F and I want to
tell you about those things. Butlet me do it in their way, so
(17:53):
either they can come in on thepodcast and talk about it, or I
can link you to some of theirvideos or something. But like
fight, flight, and freeze arethe common ones you already
know.
But they have come up with fiveother ones that are similar
responses, but do differentthings or different approaches
or different responses to it.But when we get triggered and we
(18:14):
react to fear it comes throughone of these ways, right? And so
really it goes back to what thegood doctor was talking about,
about trust and mistrust. Andeven if the therapist says now
time is safe, until we alsoexperience that safety and at
(18:36):
the same time are able to trust,not just her but also that
safety that we're experiencing,then the other people inside may
respond from past time, likememory time, instead of
(18:57):
responding for now time. So forexample, like that's what a
trigger is.
Like, maybe you already getthis, but for me it was huge. So
like when Emma shared about thepanic attack because some dude
was coming in our house, thebrain response was from memory
(19:23):
time. Like that was what thatwas referencing, which we don't
need to go into right now on thepodcast, but what that was
referencing happened a long timeago. What was that was memory
time. What is happening now innow time was just that medical
supplies were being delivered.
(19:43):
Like it's kind of simple, right?Except that the brain in now
time was responding because ofpathways built in past time, in
memory time. So it felt like innow time was in memory time, but
it wasn't. We are safe. We areokay.
(20:05):
All this stuff that was so awfulis in the past. We already lived
through it, and this blows mybrains away. Wait. That's wrong
in English. Oh, I get it wrongevery time.
Mind blown. Something. Whateverit is. You know what I mean?
Like, what?
Like, it's so big. This isn'teven, like, I can't hold onto it
(20:27):
because it's slipping through myfingers like sand. This is like,
it's so big, it does not fitinside my skull. And that's why
we still need therapy because Ican't hold on to it by myself.
That's exactly why we needtherapy.
I need help holding on to that.It's so big but it makes sense
(20:48):
and it was like for a splitsecond, I understood it. I
couldn't hold on to it. Itdidn't fit inside my head. But
for a split second, I got it.
And for a split second, thatmeant that everything really was
okay because all the bad stuffreally is in the past, which
(21:09):
means it really is over, eventhough we're still like, ah,
dealing with it. So I don't evenknow how to respond. It was
huge. It was so, so huge. Andthose are the four things that I
really need to talk to ourtherapist about.
(21:29):
Unfortunately for me, it'ssnowing again. I'm going to
start developing a new trauma,and it's just going to be about
snow because not going totherapy because of snow is
starting to traumatize me, AndI'm not even at all mocking
trauma or being insensitive totrauma. I'm saying it's that
(21:51):
hard to only go to therapy oncea month when you're supposed to
be going every week. Also saidwith full respect to those who
can't even get to therapy rightnow for different reasons. But I
finally, after years and yearsand years, we finally have a
good therapist.
And she's four hours away. Andso to have finally found one and
(22:14):
started work and then right inthe middle of things, keep
missing sessions because of thesnow is making me crazy. Like,
we maybe were not crazy becauseof DID, but we might be crazy
because of the snow. I'm justsaying.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
Thank you for listening. Your support of the
podcast, the workbooks, and thecommunity means so much to us as
we try to create somethingtogether that's never been done
before, not like this.Connection brings healing, and
you can join us on the communityat www.systemspeakcommunity.com.
(22:55):
We'll see you there.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!