Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) - Ooze Origins, Shredder Cabarets & a Ginger Dud - That Aged Well

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I went out to dinner last night, and in an
unprecedented set of events, I was the first person at
the restaurant.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
Oh my goodness, I'm never early.

Speaker 1 (00:09):
I was ten minutes early.

Speaker 2 (00:11):
Okay, yeah, so it was cold and rainy, and you
were not meeting me as if that wasn't a parent before.

Speaker 1 (00:18):
Honestly, that's not even germane to the story. I just
wanted I just wanted it in there so that Paul
knows that I am capable of being early to things.
But it was cold and raining outside, so I went inside.
I didn't want to wait for my friends outside. And
I went up to the maybe like twenty three year
old woman hostess, and I was like, Hi, I'm checking in, like,

(00:39):
you know, can I get a table or whatever. I'm
a little early. And she's like, yeah, sure, no problem.
And then she's like, this weather crazy, right, And I
said to her and I have never ever said this
word before in my life out loud, ever, not even
in my head.

Speaker 2 (00:53):
I really hope you mispronounced it.

Speaker 1 (00:54):
Okay, I've never said this word, and I don't know why.
Now in the year twenty I looked this woman in
the face and said, yeah, this weather is whack. She
looked at me like I was a Victorian ghost that
had appeared before her. She did not know what expression

(01:16):
to make on her face. She was like, I don't
understand what's happening.

Speaker 2 (01:21):
I'm picturing people in Victoria and England a picture like
Queen Victoria, being like, you know, this Victoria and Albert
Museum is kind of whack.

Speaker 1 (01:28):
That's what that woman would not have recognized. Queen Victoria
reference over this is whack. She was like, I know
that's an old, tiny thing, but I don't know if
it's good or bad. Yeah, I don't know what you're
trying to tell me.

Speaker 2 (01:39):
Your way of telling me that you need help memory.

Speaker 1 (01:41):
Okay, Why when in my forties I start saying the
word whack. Hey, I'm Paul, and this is that aged well,

(02:04):
yesterday's pop culture today.

Speaker 2 (02:06):
And we are doing Erica. It's I've wanted it for
so long. We're doing Superhero July.

Speaker 1 (02:11):
I'm so excited for you, Paul, and.

Speaker 2 (02:13):
You're so upset for yourself but so excited for me.

Speaker 1 (02:15):
That's true friendship, that's true, that's love's love. Look, you
do horror films for me once a year, once every
five years.

Speaker 2 (02:23):
I could do superhero moch for you. Fair enough, fair enough.
Before we get to our superheroes of the day, we
do have a couple of five star Apple podcast reviews.
May I read one to you?

Speaker 1 (02:32):
Absolutely?

Speaker 2 (02:32):
Okay, so this is from Cat Sizzle. Nice could be
a superhero that's a great superhero or a very disturbing murderer.
So Cat Sizzle writes, no notes, it is equally as
fun to hear our hosts Pana movie I hated as
it is one I loved. They provide intelligent, hilarious, and
thoughtful reviews of the picks and pans of our youth.

(02:55):
Plus the luminous and quick witted Erica and Paul have
chemistry for days. They clearly love theater, movies and each other,
and they owe many gifts to Kimberly and Katy of
Date with Dateline for suggesting this romping good time.

Speaker 1 (03:09):
Honestly, they should should buy them a car.

Speaker 2 (03:11):
Yeah. Actually, Kimberly and Katy, do you have a wish list?
Do you have an Amazon wish list? Because we definitely
owe you multiple multiple fulfillments.

Speaker 1 (03:20):
Absolutely, yeah, So you know what I like about this review?
Very few people comment on our luminosity. Yeah, I appreciate that.

Speaker 2 (03:26):
I would like an increase in luminosity, because even though
you can't see us, I feel.

Speaker 1 (03:31):
Our luminescence comes over the airway.

Speaker 2 (03:34):
It shines through. I feel confident in.

Speaker 1 (03:37):
Saying that our next review comes from Lisa F one
one six y three. Okay, amazing and so fun. I
just found this podcast and I'm already hooked from my
first episode. I'm so glad there are years of episodes
for me to go back and listen to.

Speaker 2 (03:53):
Please keep it up.

Speaker 1 (03:54):
I'm looking forward to more, all right. I love that
because actually that's one of my favorite things is when
I discover a podcast and it's already been happening for
three years, and I'm like.

Speaker 2 (04:02):
Yes, yes, I have so much context.

Speaker 1 (04:04):
Next month of my life is this.

Speaker 2 (04:06):
Yes, I also But whenever anyone says that to him, like,
we've improved a lot from the beginning.

Speaker 1 (04:11):
But that's the thing if you are, if you are
an avid podcast listener, you know that for literally every show,
unless it's like a very like famous celebrity who started
off strong with like with like great production value, right,
they're all gonna sound like garbage it first.

Speaker 2 (04:26):
We're gonna we're gonna find our way. We're gonna make
our way, and I do believe we are still funny
even those early times. We're just we're just a little
more new bile. That's not the right word. I was
gonna say. What Nope, No, sexy, were a little We're
a little We're a little more sexy. Kat Sizzle, Lisa
F one one six three. Thank you so much for

(04:47):
these reviews. If you would like a that aged well
tote bag, all you have to do is let us
know this is you. I will happily send it off
for you. Erica, Who or what are the superheroes in
the superhero movie that we are talking about today?

Speaker 1 (05:01):
Today we're going to discuss the nineteen ninety superhero film
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Teenage Mutant
Ninja turtlell Heroes in a Half.

Speaker 2 (05:13):
Shell, Turtle Power all Right. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was
requested by Melissa, Sophie, Mikey, Sarah, Elsie, Another, Sarah, jen Marcus, Megan, Emily,
ben Sojo, Amelia, Marissa, and a few people whose names
don't appear on their social media profiles.

Speaker 1 (05:29):
Thank you all so much. I haven't seen this movie
in so long, and I forgot what a big part
of my childhood this film was.

Speaker 2 (05:37):
This gave you some flashbacks.

Speaker 1 (05:38):
Oh, so many flashbacks.

Speaker 2 (05:39):
Okay, yeah, I'm interesting and not the.

Speaker 1 (05:40):
Bad kind that I usually yet, right yeah? Not the
oh no, not the not the RT wake up in
the middle of the night going oh, I can't believe
I said that sixteen years ago to that person.

Speaker 2 (05:50):
Teenage mutant Ninja. Turtles was written by Todd W. Langan
and Bobby Hrbeck. It was based on the characters created
by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird. It was directed by
Steve Barron and stars Judith Hoague, Elias Ktais, James Saito,
Brian Toshi, Josh Pais, Robbie Wrist, and Corey Feldman.

Speaker 1 (06:11):
Major studios many major studios, including Disney, MGM, Paramount and more,
turned down the chance to make this film, fearing it
would flop. I mean, it is an uphill climb with
this premise.

Speaker 2 (06:25):
But you know what, if they flop on their back,
they can't get up famously famous. Like, once they flopp
they're flopped, They're flopped over.

Speaker 1 (06:30):
Yeah, yeah, they're the floppiest flops. However, you fucking Wren
because Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles grossed two hundred and two
million dollars off a budget of thirteen and a half
million dollars, making it the highest grossing independent film at
that time to that time.

Speaker 2 (06:51):
Suck it, studios, people like superheroes. That is what we
could have learned from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in nineteen Yeah. Yeah,
I think that's very interesting because now it feels like
studios would jump at a chance for ip like this.

Speaker 1 (07:08):
I know, I still don't think so. This particular premise
is so crazy.

Speaker 2 (07:13):
Yeah, but it was so popular with kids, right.

Speaker 1 (07:16):
Look, I was one of those kids. This was popular
with This is the only film of this month that
I think I have more enthusiasm for than you. But like,
imagine you don't know this the premise, you don't have kids,
You're not like really into it.

Speaker 2 (07:31):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (07:31):
Like and someone's like, all right, hear me out, hear
me out. There's four turtles. You know how Spider Man
was bitten by that radioactive spider. It's like that, but
way grosser, way way grosser and.

Speaker 2 (07:46):
Weirder, and we want to be clear, weird hah.

Speaker 1 (07:50):
There's a rat who grew up in Japan, but somehow
lives in New York, don't ask any questions, huh, and
taught them all karate. That's right, that's the like I
can like. Obviously, studio executors are like, I don't see it.
I just don't see it. So the reason I bring
that up is because I feel like the current day
IP is like you can sell someone thor pretty easily.

(08:11):
I feel like you could sell someone like even an
iron Man, which isn't doesn't have quite the sex appeal. Yeah,
like this is a hard sell. I don't even know
that they're making things this like wacky.

Speaker 2 (08:21):
Now that's fair, it is wackier. But I think because
it is so pitched to kids, they'd be like, if
you came to this and be like, we're this should
be part of the grander Marvel cinematic universe, yes, one
hundred percent agree. But if you took this to like
a Disney, a Pixar, an animated studio, or a studio
is looking to make a kid's movie and you're like,

(08:42):
this is a Saturday morning cartoon that millions of kids
watch every day and they love it. Yeah, and we're
gonna make a movie out of it. I could see
them pushing to be like, let's make an animated movie
out of it with the same animators, and like just
make it more streamlined. The live action is at times
the coolest part about this and at times the roughest
part about.

Speaker 1 (09:01):
I feel like they learned a lesson from Howard the Duck,
where they were like, this is four kids. This movie
is not for adults. There's gonna be like five jokes
that are just for the adults, so that the parents
who went to take their kids to this movie can
giggle a couple of times during the movie. Other than that,
this is top to bottom for children.

Speaker 2 (09:20):
There's one hund fewer duck tits in this movie than
there are and Howard the Duck, and frankly, the movie
suffers for it.

Speaker 1 (09:27):
Frankly, every film that does not have duck tits since
Howard the Duck, I've.

Speaker 2 (09:30):
Been plantelope esque, bouncy hard duck ticks.

Speaker 1 (09:34):
There was such good duck t.

Speaker 2 (09:36):
It's feathered duck tips.

Speaker 1 (09:37):
That duck had it only fans. Oh oh, that duck
would be a good jilly.

Speaker 2 (09:44):
That duck would be Scrooge McDuck. Okay, yeah, she'd have
a money bin.

Speaker 1 (09:48):
That duck would be able to float around topless in
her money bin if she had an only fans. I'm
gonna look, I don't know that there isn't such a
thing right now.

Speaker 2 (09:57):
There should be if we've thought of it someone else.
But there's that rule, like, if you've thought of it,
someone on the internet had thought of it, and there is.

Speaker 1 (10:03):
Porn of it, and there is porn about it.

Speaker 2 (10:04):
Yeah, all right, Erica Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has a
forty three percent critical rating on Rotten Tomatoes and an
eighty one percent audience score.

Speaker 1 (10:13):
That's perfect.

Speaker 2 (10:14):
I think that's right.

Speaker 1 (10:15):
That's exactly right.

Speaker 2 (10:16):
Is this a good movie? No?

Speaker 1 (10:18):
Fuck you who cares? That's that's like, fuck you, who cares?

Speaker 2 (10:24):
Who cares? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (10:25):
Not a good movie. But it's fun and it's four children.
I felt dumb watching it this week, honestly by myself
in my apartment, in my grown up apartment with a
grown up furniture.

Speaker 2 (10:38):
It's true. It surprised me a little bit, which it
shouldn't have. But it's so four kids. Yeah yeah.

Speaker 1 (10:45):
I also neither of us have kids, so neither of
us have seen a movie that's four kids in a
long long time. I can't remember the last movie I saw,
like probably.

Speaker 2 (10:54):
Was something on here because even like but even like
Beauty and the Beast is what you were talking about,
Like there's stuff for adult Yeah.

Speaker 1 (11:01):
I was gonna say the Disney movies, the Pixar movies
are really multi generational. Like they're beautiful, they're artistic. This
could not be more just.

Speaker 2 (11:09):
For kids, even the Sandlot, which is four kids. It's
also like hitting the nostalgia buttons so hard for adults
that it it becomes for adults as well in that way,
like this is this is a little rough for adults,
you guys to lie, not in a bad way, just
no way of like it's not for me, it's.

Speaker 1 (11:27):
Not for you. Yeah, it's not even for me. And
I'm a fan.

Speaker 2 (11:30):
Yeah yeah, yeah, all right, So Erica, I want I
can't wait to hear. When did you first see Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Speaker 1 (11:37):
My parents took me to the theater to see this
when it opened because they love.

Speaker 2 (11:43):
Me so much. Turtle Power, Turtle Power.

Speaker 1 (11:46):
I saw this in the theater. Paul Okay saw this
in the theater. We had the VHS. I wore it out.

Speaker 2 (11:51):
I watched it.

Speaker 1 (11:52):
A ton when I was a kid. This is one
of those where like I watched it when I was
ten till I was eleven, stop watching it and have
not watched it since. Okay, watched it like, finish the movie,
rewind the tape. Yeah, watched it again. Okay, like like
summer days spent doing that. I feel like I had
not seen it since like nineteen ninety one. Yeah, and

(12:15):
watching it this week for the for the first time
in many, many years, I was like, I literally do
not remember. I didn't remember a single joke.

Speaker 2 (12:21):
Sure, I didn't.

Speaker 1 (12:22):
I didn't remember. I remembered so little about this movie.
I forgot about Casey Jones. I don't need remember the
character of Casey Jones, but he showed up in the movie.

Speaker 2 (12:30):
I was like, oh, right, he's in this Not Christopher
Maloney is in this.

Speaker 1 (12:34):
Christopher Maloney is in this movie too.

Speaker 2 (12:36):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (12:36):
Still sexy.

Speaker 2 (12:37):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could see a little peak behind
the curtain when I when I proposed Superhero Month for
this month, and I said, well, maybe we could do
teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Your eyes lit up. Yeah, And
I was like, oh, so there'll be something for you,
but then we'll also get the X Men for me.
Guess what two of you requested X men, so I
know who the favorite is. I can see which side

(12:58):
you all think your bread is by.

Speaker 1 (13:01):
I think more people our age watched this movie than that.

Speaker 2 (13:04):
Probably they probably did. You're right, Paul, When.

Speaker 1 (13:07):
Did you first see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles yesterday?

Speaker 2 (13:10):
Wow? Yeah? This was not not allowed to watch this
specifically thing. This was just I wasn't allowed to watch
a lot of TV, and and so it just I
was aware of them. There was sul there was there
was cultural saturation of like this in nine O two
one oh, like the certain things I was not allowed
to watch, but I was. I could have told you
who all the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were, but I
couldn't have told you which weapon each of them had. Yeah,

(13:31):
that was kind of my level of investment in it.
I did know that for some reason I liked Donna
Tello with the purple and the Bostaff. For some reason,
I thought he was the hot one.

Speaker 1 (13:42):
Okay, I could see that Bostaff very hot.

Speaker 2 (13:44):
Yeah, in the car very very dick coded.

Speaker 1 (13:46):
I will have you know that in the cartoon he's
like the Math and Science one. He's the cart one.

Speaker 2 (13:52):
There's a sussant of that in the movie.

Speaker 1 (13:53):
It's a little bit of it in the movie. It's
kind of taken out of the movie a little bit.
Like so like Leonardo is the the leader, the stoic one,
Rafael is like the wounded soul. Michaelangelo is the like
party boy, surfer boy, and like, yeah, Donna Tello is
this smart one. So actually that makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 2 (14:10):
Okay, Yeah, who was your favorite Rafael?

Speaker 1 (14:12):
Okay, Okay, here's what's funny. Is I really feel like
a lot of girls my age may and boys too.
Maybe I don't want to, like, but I was more
friends with girls like have crushes on Rafael, like pre
sexualized obviously because we were all like nine, ten years old,
but we had like crushes on him because he was
like the wounded soul. And I don't know how early

(14:34):
this starts, but I feel like girls are like trained
young to be like I can fix him. Ah.

Speaker 2 (14:40):
It was a BD. It was the tall, dark and handsome.

Speaker 1 (14:43):
It was the tall it was. It was like he's
like a Bronte sister's hair, one hundred percent.

Speaker 2 (14:49):
Yeeah.

Speaker 1 (14:49):
He's It's not a romance novel. It's not a Bodice Ripper.
It's a like, oh, look at him, all serious and
BROUDI yeah, I can, I can fix him.

Speaker 2 (14:57):
Okay. Interesting, Interesting because I feel like I feel like
I would have gone Donatello Leonardo and then the other
two I didn't care about. But I'm not sure. I'd
have to check in with thirteen year old me.

Speaker 1 (15:08):
I'm talking. This came out when we were like ten.
This is young, We were young.

Speaker 2 (15:12):
Yng all right, Erica. The tagline for Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles was, hey, dude, this is no cartoon.

Speaker 1 (15:20):
Lord, I mean, I guess, yes for kids? Sure, that's yeah?

Speaker 2 (15:24):
How is my how's my Keyanu Surfer was really good?
I tried. I tried. I tried really hard. Shall I
read the iTunes synopsis?

Speaker 1 (15:33):
Sure?

Speaker 2 (15:34):
Okay? Revisit or discover the original live action feature film
adaptation of the cult comic book and the popular animated
television show Prolonged Exposure to Radiation Has Mutated four teenage
Sewer Turtles.

Speaker 1 (15:49):
You heard that right? You said you heard you heard
what the man sewer turtles?

Speaker 2 (15:52):
Yeah, it could have been sewer crocodiles. So they went
with sewer turtles.

Speaker 1 (15:55):
Yeah, much better.

Speaker 2 (15:56):
Yeah, Michael Angelo, Raphael Leonardo, and Donna Tall into talking
upright walking crime fighting ninjas trained in the ninjitsu arts
by their rat sense Splinter.

Speaker 1 (16:07):
That's right, you heard what the man said.

Speaker 2 (16:09):
Yeah. When a villainous rogue ninja who is a former
pupil of Splinter that's not right, arrives and spreads lawlessness
throughout the city, it's up to the plucky Turtles to
stop him. I will say this, coming from the comic
book fan here, I did not realize how much of
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was lifted directly from Daredevil. Oh really, yes, So,

(16:33):
like one of Daredevil's famous foes is the is the hand,
which is the which is the ninja clan that he
fights the hand, the teenage Muant Ninja Turtles fight the foot.
Oh yeah. And then one of his mentors is Stick
and their mentor is Splinter.

Speaker 1 (16:47):
Oh so it's I think it's it's a homage. Yeah, clearly.
So that's what I'm so glad you're here for that,
because I don't know any of that stuff. It's I
was like, Oh, that's that makes it better. Yeah right,
and that makes it like it makes sense. It's thoughtful,
like this must have been such an uphill battle to
like get anyone to publish or and then to get
anyone to like agree to a cartoon, and then to
get anyone to agree to like anything.

Speaker 2 (17:08):
I think it was an independent thing, and it was
independent thing that took off. Yeah, because it was in
that time where you could do independent things that took off,
and and it was so weird and then like the
cartoon exploded. These are still fucking relevant, relevant cultural forces today.

Speaker 1 (17:23):
They just made one of these like ten years ago. Yeah,
other one of these movies.

Speaker 2 (17:27):
Not even ten, It was like five years ago with
Seth Rogan. Oh wow, yeah, it animated.

Speaker 1 (17:31):
To be clear, I'm thinking there was a second live
action one.

Speaker 2 (17:34):
Oh really, I didn't know.

Speaker 1 (17:35):
Okay, yeah, all right, watch it because again, now I'm
an adult, it's not anymore. Now it's weird if I
just go without children to the theater to watch Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Speaker 2 (17:46):
Erica, do you have an actual synopsis for Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles?

Speaker 1 (17:49):
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles giving your kids a fetish they
will take years of therapy to unpack.

Speaker 2 (17:57):
Were even not having watched as a kid, I've already
was like, I had a crush on Donna Tello though,
so I wasn't.

Speaker 1 (18:04):
Going to admit to it until you said it first,
and then I was like, you know what, if he
admits to it, I'll admit to my crush on Raphael.

Speaker 2 (18:11):
I am. I am waist deep in hot rat content
on our Secretive Nim episode. So I'm gone, like I
I hot fox on Robin Hood, hot rat on Secretive Nim.
Why not turtles? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (18:20):
Why not swoll turtle?

Speaker 2 (18:23):
Turtles with that with a big some cakes and I'm
talking about I like a turtle with a.

Speaker 1 (18:28):
Dumper turtle like those thighs man damn because they're all
short so when they get muscular, they get Yeah.

Speaker 2 (18:36):
Yeah, it got a cuarter off that ship.

Speaker 1 (18:38):
But again also brooding and thoughtful and had wounded the.

Speaker 2 (18:43):
Idea of of Wuthering Heights with Raphael instead of Heathcliff.
Is is a movie that should be made?

Speaker 1 (18:50):
Is the best thing? Is maybe the best thing to
come out of this episode of that Age twelve.

Speaker 2 (18:55):
I don't know Wathering Heights that well. I wish I
did so I could get way more specific with this idea. Yeah,
but just a turtle with two sides wandering the foggy
Scottish moores.

Speaker 1 (19:05):
April O'Neil is Kathy.

Speaker 2 (19:07):
This could work, It could work, all right, everyone, stick around.
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(19:28):
through teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Every word does work, every word,
every word no lies, Detective none.

Speaker 1 (19:37):
This is what this is about.

Speaker 2 (19:38):
Yeah, and we're back.

Speaker 1 (19:48):
We open in New York City as intrepid reporter April O'Neill,
played by Judith Hoague. She works a ton. I saw
her in this and I was like, you look so familiar.
Aside from this movie, what else have I seen you
in it? Then I look, I'm like, oh my god,
she works constantly.

Speaker 2 (20:02):
I know her as Connie Britton's sister on Nashville.

Speaker 1 (20:05):
Yes, that was a big one. She was on Big Love,
which both you and I watched. Yeah, she works a
ton so April O'Neill talks on her news show about
a crime wave that's been sweeping the city.

Speaker 2 (20:16):
She talks about it while wearing her eighties like moose
scrunched up hair.

Speaker 1 (20:20):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (20:21):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (20:21):
The police and citizens are stumped as the criminals seem
to be able to make goods disappear in thin air,
be they boxes in the back of a semi truck
while the driver makes a delivery, or a TV on
a fire escape as the owner glances away. This one
bothered me, okay, like honestly, like a crime wave is
bad enough stealing from corporations. Stuff falls off the back

(20:41):
of a truck. Fine whatever, I'm not happy about it,
but I'm gonna I don't care. Yeah, that poor granny
was sitting on her fire escape trying to watch TV
in the hot New York City summertime. She had her
hair up and rollers. She just like moved away for
a second and her fucking TV got stolen. I think
that woman can afford another TV.

Speaker 2 (21:02):
She can't. That's gone forever.

Speaker 1 (21:03):
That's gone forever. Now her grandkids are gonna have to
like pull their money together to buy Grandma a New TV. Yeah,
whenever her next birthday is, because they're not getting her
one before that. That what actually bothered me. I was like,
don't steal from old ladies, you bitches. The injustice, the
justice for old ladies on their fire escapes. So as
April speaks, we see these crimes taking place in real time,

(21:25):
and it seems that the perpetrators are teenage boys.

Speaker 2 (21:28):
Ha huh.

Speaker 1 (21:29):
We follow one specific ginger teen, Danny Pennington played by
Michael Turney, as he helps his squad with a pickpocketing.
He eventually hands the wallet off, but we don't see
to whom. We just see that a hand with a
spiked arm bracer is taking the loot.

Speaker 2 (21:44):
Hmmm, all right, okay, this got interesting. We see the
teens loading their goods into a van staffed by the
leaders of the gang, who all wear black bodysuits, red bandanas,
and I goggles. Yes, they all look like Spider Man
DIY costumes. We follow them to a warehouse where the
teens unpack the goods under the watchful eyes of a

(22:05):
ninja clan known as the Foot. April, who's still talking.
This is all under April's voiceover, signs off with Unfortunately,
the police are the only ones available to combat what
some are already calling the silent crime wave. But perhaps
the most disturbing silence is that coming from city Hall.

Speaker 1 (22:26):
I love April O'Neil.

Speaker 2 (22:27):
April O'Neil. She's given it. She's speaking truth to power.

Speaker 1 (22:29):
She's a ballbuster.

Speaker 2 (22:31):
She would fucking castrate Eric Adams, and we would cheer
her for it.

Speaker 1 (22:36):
I will say, I've seen fewer rats since Eric Adams
took office. Maybe we give him another chance.

Speaker 2 (22:41):
You know. Nope, Nope, that's not him, that's not him.
That's your congressman. We already talked about this.

Speaker 1 (22:46):
That's the rats, are lady.

Speaker 2 (22:47):
That's the ratsar lady, And your congressman, that cool guy
what's his name, John Obreo and his buddy from Brooklyn
who again, whose name I cannot remember.

Speaker 1 (22:55):
I only know my congressmen. I don't know counselman counselmen. Yeah,
but honestly, I'm like, guys, let's give him another chance.

Speaker 2 (23:01):
It's fine.

Speaker 1 (23:01):
Who hasn't taken a couple of ribes. We see April
leaving her job that night in a bright yellow raincoat.
She sees a rat, a real rat, and she not
not a mutant ninja rat, and she briefly panics, pops,
she jumps. Okay, how you admit I felt I felt
a little seen at first when she goes ooh, and

(23:23):
then she jumped on top of a bigger pile of
garbage to get away from the rat, and I was like, bitch,
how did you just get here that garbage? You just
jumped on top of it.

Speaker 2 (23:33):
Their house, They're gonna defend it.

Speaker 1 (23:35):
They're gonna that is a frat house full of horny rats.
They're gonna kill you. Get off their house. But then
she spots something even worse, Sam Rockwall. That's right, you
heard me, Academy Award winner Sam Rockwell as a delinquenteen.

(23:56):
I have to admit to you, Paul, I did not
clock him yet. It took me one more scene and
then a trip to the internet because I was like,
how do I know this person?

Speaker 2 (24:07):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (24:07):
And then I had to google it. Who the fuck
plays this character in this movie? And I was like,
oh my god, that's Sam Rockwell.

Speaker 2 (24:13):
The second that face appeared on this screen, I was like,
what the fuck is Sam Rockwell doing in this movie?

Speaker 1 (24:18):
Sam Rockwell, he's probably nineteen twenty years old. Yeah, he
looks younger. He's stealing equipment from the news band with
a group of eventual non oscar winning delink Win's fuck them,
so fuck them.

Speaker 2 (24:28):
Didn't recognize a single one of them.

Speaker 1 (24:29):
So one of them is phillips seymore hostible.

Speaker 2 (24:33):
How dare you You didn't see young Heath Ledger.

Speaker 1 (24:37):
You didn't see ha, Yeah, you didn't see Meryl Streep.
She's in there.

Speaker 2 (24:40):
She's in it. It's like Glenn close and Hook. She's
Meryl Streep is one of the delinquents. You just did't
figure out which one.

Speaker 1 (24:45):
Yeah, she's in one of the masks.

Speaker 2 (24:46):
Yeah, I can't tell.

Speaker 1 (24:47):
April tries to run. The teens surround her and knock
her to the ground. Okay, look, there's so many Look,
I don't want to blame the victim. I never want
to blame the victim. The she's made so many rookie mistakes.

Speaker 2 (24:57):
Yeah, why would.

Speaker 1 (24:58):
You walk in a like dark alleyway in the middle
of the night. You you just left your job telling
everyone in the city to be careful. Yeah, because of
this message.

Speaker 2 (25:08):
There's a crime wave. Also, you keep saying there's no eyewitnesses,
and then you immediately become an eyewitness. And then you
don't appear to report anything that you saw fair true.

Speaker 1 (25:19):
April tries to run, the teens knock her to the ground.
At the last moment, a sigh appears out of nowhere
and knocks out the street light. In the blackness, we
hear a lot of banging and grunting and like like
fighting noises, and the police arrive and we see in
the headlights that all of the hooligans have been tied up.
From under a manhole cover, we see a shadowy figure

(25:40):
watching as April assures the police, I'm fine, I'm fine,
just a couple of bumps. They gather up her assailants
as April notices the sigh and puts it in her bag,
and the figure under the manhole says, oh man, damn, damn.

Speaker 2 (25:55):
We cut into the sewer also known as RFK Junior's
favorite kiddie pools. It's true though, he's disgusting, and we
meet three teenage mutant ninja turtles. The blue masked Leonardo
voiced by Brian Tocci, performed in the suit by David
Foreman and Martin p. Robinson. The purple masked Donatello voiced

(26:18):
by Corey Feldman and apparently was not happy, like he
was like, I was fooled into doing this. I got
paid no money and I got none none of the
back end profits.

Speaker 1 (26:28):
That's also weird. He wasn't cast as Michaelangelo because you would.

Speaker 2 (26:31):
Put him as the lead.

Speaker 1 (26:32):
You would think, right, no, no, no, you would put
him as the one, because Michael Angelo is the one
that's like cow punga dude. Oh right, yeah, yeah, let's
go surfing. And I'm like, that should be the Corey Feldman. Yeah,
why is he not cast it anyway?

Speaker 2 (26:42):
Anyway? Whatever, So Donatello is voiced by Corey Feldman and
performed by Leif Tilden and David Rudman, and the orange
masked Michael Angelo voiced by Robbie Rist performed by Michael
Cist and Mac Wilson. So we have Leonardo the leader,
we have Donatello, the smart one, and Michelangelo the young one.

Speaker 1 (27:03):
The party dude.

Speaker 2 (27:03):
Yeah, they're celebrating their victory. They're exclaiming about how they're
having a major pizza attack, and they're followed by the
fourth of their cohort, the mist from Scotland, following behind
him the red masked Raphael voiced inexplicably in a hard

(27:24):
Brooklyn accent.

Speaker 1 (27:26):
His voiceover is rough. This is I did not remember
this when I was a kid. I don't know if
I clocked it. He sounds so weird compared to the
other three who are using their natural voices. Josh Pious
google him, you've seen him. If you watch Lauren Order SVU,
You've seen him. He's in a lot of those. I'm
just like, why why.

Speaker 2 (27:45):
He decided to make a choice.

Speaker 1 (27:47):
It is a hard choice he has made.

Speaker 2 (27:50):
Because they all ostensibly learned English from the same source,
which was magic, and none of the rest of them
talk like this.

Speaker 1 (27:57):
And also a Japanese rat right right, Yeah, he sounds
like Brooklyn Dodges are his favorite teams. Yeah, and we
really hopes we get that man Hitler someday.

Speaker 2 (28:08):
This is where Bob Hoskins learned his New York accent
from Mermaids. Yeah, this is it.

Speaker 1 (28:13):
Yeah, he went to the nineteen forty nine school of
Brooklyn accents.

Speaker 2 (28:18):
So Raphael is voiced by Josh Piece. He's also performed
by Josh Piece in the suit. Piece is the only
one who's doing the suit work and the vocal work.

Speaker 1 (28:27):
Maybe that's why he has such so much character. Yeah,
the performance is real.

Speaker 2 (28:31):
Yeah, and he's also helped in the suit by David Greenaway.
So these second people they do like the facial work
on the on the puppets that are they're all built
by the Jim Henson Oh cool, yeah.

Speaker 1 (28:39):
And correct me if I'm wrong. But then then when
it's like martial arts, it's like a third.

Speaker 2 (28:43):
Person I believe, so yeah, all of them.

Speaker 1 (28:45):
Yeah, because whoever does the martial arts in these costumes,
in these turtle costumes, it's like the least appreciated job
in the world. Like, yeah, these men should have been
paid like not these guys. If it's not these guys,
the martial artists should have been paid so much, they should.

Speaker 2 (29:01):
Still be living off the salary comfortably.

Speaker 1 (29:04):
Because like the it's not bad, it's actually good, right,
Like they look really convincing.

Speaker 2 (29:10):
It's so much better than it has any right to be.

Speaker 1 (29:13):
Yeah. There's a scene later in the movie, much much later,
when there's like a there's like a training montage. It's
like set in the woods or something, and like these
guys are just doing backflips over and over again, and
like it it's really.

Speaker 2 (29:26):
Good, and they're in the turtle masks, so they can't see,
like their peripheral vision must be fucked in those masks,
you can see straight ahead, that's it, right, And like, look,
I've watched a lot of gymnastics, and I think being
able to see where you're landing is a big part
of it. Huh. So I don't know how they did
this shit.

Speaker 1 (29:41):
I feel like these are like gymnasts who are also
martial art, Like, yeah, whoever did that, kudos to you.

Speaker 2 (29:46):
Absolutely so Raphael romantic hero Heathcliffe on the Moors is
still lamenting the loss of his sigh.

Speaker 1 (29:54):
The turtles get back to their home, where they're greeted
by their sense and adoptive father, Splinter.

Speaker 2 (30:00):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 1 (30:00):
Splinter is a middle aged mutant ninja rat no lives detected.

Speaker 2 (30:09):
So weird.

Speaker 1 (30:10):
Yeah, so it also like I have such an aversion
to rodents, but I didn't mind Splinter.

Speaker 2 (30:14):
I have to say, well, he is giving a little
more like weasel than rat. Yes, perhaps a.

Speaker 1 (30:20):
Yeah, that is part of it. Yeah, because I think
they're trying to give him like they're trying to suggest
the facial hair of a man in a kung fu film, Like, yeah,
they're trying to suggest that on the rat and I
think that just turns it more otter, And who doesn't
love an otter? They're so cute.

Speaker 2 (30:37):
I randomly wound up on like Blue scott Otters of
Blue Sky the other day. I was like, well, there
goes a day. Oh, I could be here for a
long time.

Speaker 1 (30:45):
Once the once the Internet decides like there's a specific
animal you want to see, that's your whole ass personality
for a while.

Speaker 3 (30:52):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (30:52):
So Splinter is voiced by Kevin Clash, performed by Clash
and Ricky Boyd. Leonardo excitedly reports that they well in
their first battle, and Splinter reminds them that they must
not be seen. Do not let anyone see you, And
they're like, I wonder if the boys are like why, yeah,
is there something weird about the way we look?

Speaker 2 (31:10):
Should we be ashamed of ourselves for some reason?

Speaker 1 (31:12):
Not body shaming us? Splinter?

Speaker 2 (31:14):
We are swole, we are We're.

Speaker 1 (31:16):
Fucking swoll Look have you seen these thighs? Come on,
he tells, and they must keep practicing the art of ninja,
the art of invisibility. And now that you tell me
this is voiced by a white person, I'm starting to
feel slightly less comfortable with some of the choices made.

Speaker 2 (31:30):
It makes you feel any better. He's actually not white.
He's black.

Speaker 1 (31:34):
Not Asian though, No, okay, no, no, not really. Sorry.

Speaker 2 (31:39):
It's like, listen, black people, you got a lot of passes.

Speaker 1 (31:42):
You've earned them. You've earned them, to be clear, I
don't think this is a pass.

Speaker 2 (31:47):
I don't think you've.

Speaker 1 (31:48):
Earned them so much as you deserve them because of
shit we've done. Anyway.

Speaker 2 (31:51):
Yeah, moving on teeth.

Speaker 1 (31:53):
Everybody he goes on they must use his teachings wisely
because one day he'll be gone. This rat is conservatively
eight thousand years old.

Speaker 2 (32:03):
Yeah, if he's made it this far, who knows.

Speaker 1 (32:05):
He might be invincible. We don't know what that ooze
did to all of them, turning them into weird hybrid
human slash whatever animals.

Speaker 2 (32:13):
They were anthropomorphized sewer animals.

Speaker 1 (32:16):
Could also be that they're now completely like, impervious to death.

Speaker 2 (32:20):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (32:20):
Meanwhile, Michelangelo orders the pizza. They call it Michaelangelo. I'm
doing that like pompous ass thing where I'm doing the
Italian accents. I need to stop Michaelangelo. Then he dances
with Donatello to Tequila da Nada. But they're substituting the
word nijitsu for tequila. Excellent. Look, ten year old me,

(32:45):
fucking love.

Speaker 2 (32:45):
This what I believe it? This is? This is pitch
for ten year olds? Like did I laugh? No? Did I?
Did I smile indulgently? Yes?

Speaker 1 (32:53):
This is actually the actual moment in the movie where
I was like, right, this is for children.

Speaker 2 (32:57):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (32:58):
Raphael, still sore about losing his sigh, announces with a
with just the most Brooklyn accent that ever. Brooklyn just
opened his mouth and is just full Arthur Miller play happening.

Speaker 2 (33:08):
A view from the bridge.

Speaker 1 (33:10):
He's viewing from that bridge. He's hitting on his niece
and saying, guys.

Speaker 2 (33:17):
Going out to the movies. I love the pull from
a view from the bridge. They're well done.

Speaker 1 (33:23):
You I love that place.

Speaker 2 (33:26):
You love anything with incess just so easy, I knows,
all right. So we cut to Donatello and Michelangelo. They're
waiting for their pizza. Donatello is trying to talk to
his brother about the speech that Splinter gave them. He's like, wow,
Splinter was talking about he might be gone one day, Like,
is our father figure gonna gotta kick the bucket at
some point? Do you want to have a deep talk

(33:47):
about feelings, and Michaelangelo was like, no, the Domino's peaches,
guy's late. We're gonna get our pizza three dollars off. Dude,
what amazing. I don't feel like Domino's pizza deserves this
kind of lift up. You're gonna give me pizza hut?
No one out, Pizza's the hut.

Speaker 1 (34:02):
You know what's funny is I didn't think about it
till right now, but like it has, you have been
a corporate sponsorship, right I actually know for a fact
because I saw Michael ian Black. Okay, such a light
rabbit hole. The comedian Michael ian Black, when this film
came out, left college.

Speaker 2 (34:19):
Wait, like permanently or a skiptoclass.

Speaker 1 (34:21):
No, no, like left college early so that he could
because he got a job as a live action teenage
mutant Ninja turtle and they would go to cities around
the country while like the before this movie came out
and perform in like shopping malls and stuff as the
teenage mutant ninja turtles. I don't know which one he was.

(34:42):
I can't remember. He's on a TV show right now
on CNN called Have I Got News for You? And
this all came out in an episode of that that
will stay with me for.

Speaker 2 (34:50):
The rest of my life, as it should.

Speaker 1 (34:52):
But anyway, and the whole thing was like they were
I think sponsored by like Pepsi and Dominoes. So yeah,
it's a sponsorship because these these are New New York
City turtles.

Speaker 2 (35:01):
That's right.

Speaker 1 (35:02):
I don't even know how to order a Dominos pizza
here now, not gonna lie.

Speaker 2 (35:04):
It's a Domino for me. Dog.

Speaker 1 (35:08):
I if I wanted to get like a major chain's pizza,
I don't even know if I could in my neighborhood.

Speaker 2 (35:14):
I don't think there are I know there was a
Dominoes in one of my old neighborhoods, but it was
frankly looked down upon, like openly scorned.

Speaker 1 (35:25):
Actually I'm lying, I'm lying. I'm lying. There was a
Pizza Hut that opened in my neighborhood recently, and I
wasn't scornful. I looked at it and I went, oh,
good for them.

Speaker 2 (35:34):
Let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 (35:35):
I have them for trying.

Speaker 2 (35:36):
For some reason, I have deep affection for Pizza Hut.
I would need a Pizza Hut.

Speaker 1 (35:39):
Tonight because they blackmailed us into reading with pizza.

Speaker 2 (35:43):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (35:44):
And like it fucking works.

Speaker 2 (35:45):
Yeah, no one out pizzas the Hut.

Speaker 1 (35:47):
No one out pizzas the Hut. And if when you
were a kid, if you were a bookish kid who
enjoyed pizza, they were like, we see you, see you,
we're your people. Do you want to come over tonight
and have pizza.

Speaker 2 (35:56):
Hut personal pan pizza? Yes, yes I do?

Speaker 1 (35:59):
Actually yeah really. Meanwhile, Rafael with the Brooklyn accent, Rafael
who just got off the I T line and goes
to Coney Island.

Speaker 2 (36:11):
He went to see a movie. He went to see
taxi driver. Ha.

Speaker 1 (36:16):
He foils a perch, snatching The two thieves flee into
Central Park, where they're confronted by Casey Jones. Elias coteis
not Christopher Maloney. It's an easy mistake to make. I
bet they make it all the time.

Speaker 2 (36:29):
Who wouldn't. Casting directors are constantly calling the wrong one.

Speaker 1 (36:31):
Yeah, he's Canadian Christopher Maloney. He is a vigilante trying
to solve the crime wave all on his own. He
wears a hockey mask, and he wheelds a hockey stick.

Speaker 2 (36:42):
He wears two other important things that I just want
to bring up right now. He wears some extremely thin
gray sweatpants and also either a dance belt or a cup,
and it is distracting, distracting. It's like everything in this
movie is for kids, except that because I wasn't genuinely

(37:04):
was not even trying to be gross, and I ken't
being like I'm staring at Elias catass crotch because I'm
trying figure out what that mound is.

Speaker 1 (37:10):
Yes, I had the exact same thought, because also in
my head, he was wearing like cargo pants right in
the in the in the cartoon or something. So I'm like,
why did they put it? This is a choice. They
literally could have put him in any pants. No ten
year old watching the movie would have been like, no,
there's no veracity to this. Yeah, this isn't the cartoon
I love.

Speaker 2 (37:26):
Why is he wearing like black cargo pants. Yes, right,
he's wearing again, thin gray sweatpants before.

Speaker 1 (37:33):
We all started becoming people who wore sweatpants everywhere, when
Haynes was the only game in town, it was, And
he's wearing those thin two dollars Haynes sweatpants from the eighties.
So he knocks both of the guys over, the thieves
over with his hockey stick, but then gets knocked over
and turned by Rafael, who who joins the Fray kind
of late and doesn't know friend or faux ye with Casey, right,

(37:56):
fair enough, because Casey's a little scary looking.

Speaker 2 (37:58):
Yeah, but this, this is just this is the time
honored tradition of two superheroes meeting and immediately starting to
punch each other rather than having a four second conversation. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (38:09):
Men, Yes, and you know what the problem is. While
these two are dick like swinging their dicks around, what
does the turtle dick look like?

Speaker 2 (38:15):
Okay, now googling it. Yeah, I don't think it's a
corkscrew because I feel like the Quarkscrew. The duck dick
is so famous for being a corkscrew. I can't believe
you're putting this on your your personal computer.

Speaker 1 (38:24):
Yeah, I'm looking look. Oh there's videos. I don't care
for that, don't. I don't need to the terrifying sex
organs of male turtles.

Speaker 2 (38:31):
Oh giz motto terrifying. Okay, I'm looking it up. Oh
my god, I want everyone to know that this has
been a like. Her jaw has dropped. She is grinning.

Speaker 1 (38:49):
It is we're watching a turtle like humping.

Speaker 2 (38:52):
Now we're watching turtle porn Erica. This is on you.
I didn't ask for this.

Speaker 1 (38:57):
We're watching a turtle hummer. Is that something I do know?
Like a ball?

Speaker 2 (39:00):
Like a like a what's the thing that keeps expanding?

Speaker 3 (39:04):
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (39:04):
This turtle's really going for it. Okay, So what I
thought was the turtle's penis is something else that.

Speaker 2 (39:10):
I said, are you sure? Okay, did you see it
at the end, Yeah, that's it. I think that turtles.
It looks like a mushroom.

Speaker 1 (39:16):
That turtle's penis is enormous. That turtle is hanging dong.

Speaker 2 (39:24):
It looks like one of the zombies from that stupid
HBO show The Last of Us.

Speaker 1 (39:28):
Okay, it looks like it was a rubber ball. According
to the article, it is a rubber ball that it
was humping.

Speaker 2 (39:34):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (39:35):
Turtle penises, yes, yes, they get wide at the bottom,
like really weirdly white.

Speaker 2 (39:40):
I love it.

Speaker 1 (39:41):
There's a reddit thing where it's like not safe for
work turtle penises.

Speaker 2 (39:47):
You know what. We're an educational podcast.

Speaker 1 (39:50):
Yeah, now you know?

Speaker 2 (39:51):
Yeah, yep, I'm not even sure.

Speaker 1 (39:52):
All right, dick swinging, That's why I gotta do this.

Speaker 2 (39:54):
Conversation.

Speaker 1 (39:55):
So anyway, while Raphael swings is mushroom cap dick.

Speaker 2 (40:01):
Around his pendulous dong, the thieves.

Speaker 1 (40:04):
Flee again and Casey winds up clocking Rafael so hard
with a cricket bat that he winds up face down,
ass up in a garbage can. Yeah, that's the way
I like my turtle, face.

Speaker 2 (40:16):
Down, ass up in a garbage can. That's important. That
last part's important. Yeah yeah. Raphael gets back home after
his night out on the town his adventure, and Splinter
has been waiting up for him. All of his brothers
are asleep, and Splinter tells Raphael that I've tried to
help you channel your anger, but still more of this
anger remains, and you must not turn the anger inward.

(40:39):
You must remember that you always have your brothers and
me by your side. Your family is.

Speaker 1 (40:44):
Here unless I die, which I just told your brothers,
which your brothers aren't just realizing as a possibility.

Speaker 2 (40:52):
Yeah yeah.

Speaker 1 (40:53):
We cut to April's apartment where her boss, Charles Pennington
played by Jay Patterson, is scolding her for I'm not
telling him about her mugging.

Speaker 2 (41:01):
Can I say something about this? I think this is
genuinely this is not like an aging well thing, it's
just a different time. As soon as I saw that
the boss is in her apartment, I was like, oh,
he's a creep. This this movie is telling me. This
guy's a creep. He's obsessed with April. He is a villain,
and the movie is not telling me any of.

Speaker 1 (41:20):
That because your baggage.

Speaker 2 (41:22):
That's my baggage, that's me, you know, living in a
post SVU world.

Speaker 1 (41:26):
I'm like, no, hah, sir, you are not allowed in
my house. It's the HR No you're here. No, they're friends,
they're bloods. He cares about her. Yeah, like yeah, like
you were mugged two feet from our studio. She's being
a tough New York chick. She's like, I can handle it.
I'm fine.

Speaker 2 (41:44):
Long there's no rats out there, I'm good.

Speaker 1 (41:45):
If you can be guaranteed of anything in New York
City is you will never see a rat walking down
the street.

Speaker 2 (41:50):
Never.

Speaker 1 (41:51):
He also kind of pointedly tells April to take it
easy in her interview with the Chief of Police. Later
that day, she's got an interview with the top Meanwhile,
in the kitchen, Charles's son Danny aka the Ginger Delinquent
from the beginning of the movie, steals a twenty from
April's wallet. April's wallet is like sitting out on her

(42:11):
kitchen counter and he steals money from it. So now
we know that the kid who's in the crime syndicate
for them we saw at the beginning of the movie
is the son of April's boss.

Speaker 2 (42:21):
Yeah. We cut to the Turtles watching April's interview. She's
grilling the police chief about the Foot clan. Honestly, that
the kudos that Judith Hoague deserves for being able to
say these lines completely straight faced. I've heard I've heard
tell from some Japanese Americans in the city about a
similar crime wave that was perpetrated by a ninja clan

(42:42):
known as the Foot. Yeah, and like drilling down into
her opponent with this.

Speaker 1 (42:47):
Excellent excellent, actually, now that you say it out loud. Also,
all of her scenes with the turtlesh she's talking to
men in turtle costumes and she is acting her face off. Yeah,
because she never once winks at the camera. Nope, not once.

Speaker 2 (43:00):
The chief gives half answers as we cut to a
shadowy figure watching a bank of TVs. The figure throws
a knife at one piercing April's face and hiss find her,
silence her.

Speaker 1 (43:13):
It's Elvis Presley, Yeah, famous, famously famously known for attacking
his television, but he didn't like something.

Speaker 2 (43:21):
After the interview, April is packing up and we see Danny,
that's the ginger delinquent, being led into the precinct in handcuffs.

Speaker 1 (43:30):
All right, sure, robbed one van too many, Danny.

Speaker 2 (43:33):
Robbed one granny on the on the fire escape too many.
And you're getting what you deserve.

Speaker 1 (43:37):
Honestly, if that's book thrown at you, that's the crime.
He's arrested for good.

Speaker 2 (43:41):
Good.

Speaker 1 (43:42):
April leaves the city hall, presumably after an off camera
confrontation with the police chief. So he basically is like,
you know, snitches get stitches, Am I right? And she's like,
I'm a reporter. I'm a literal reporter.

Speaker 2 (43:55):
I'm actually a snitch. That is my job.

Speaker 1 (43:59):
So she leaves an Rafael is waiting for her. He
tails her into the subway, where she just misses her train. Unfortunately,
she doesn't miss the ninjas of the Foot Clan who
are waiting for her. The leader slaps her in the
face and tells her to shut.

Speaker 2 (44:15):
It okay again we can't see these people's faces, but
based on the rest of the movie, I don't think
they're Asian, and there's a lot of stereotypical Asian accenting
going on. And then April is given the line what
am I behind him? My sony payments again? That's right?

Speaker 1 (44:32):
I thought that was such a weird line.

Speaker 2 (44:34):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (44:34):
Well, she's trying to diffuse the situation, and she's like, well,
clearly these are ninjas. What if I made them laugh
with a sony reference.

Speaker 2 (44:43):
She underreacts.

Speaker 1 (44:47):
She pulls out Rafael's side from her bag, which she
still has from that first mugging, and they immediately knock
it out of her hand. Girl, girl, girl, They knock
her unconscious. Luckily Rafael is there and he takes out
all of the foot ninjas that attack her. It's like
a group of ten guys. He grabs April and the
two of them escape into the tunnels, the subway tunnels.

(45:07):
You know what, if that ever happens to me, just
let me die, Okay, I don't want to go in
the subway tunnels.

Speaker 2 (45:11):
You didn't need to tell me that. I knew. I
knew the answer to that. If I had been there,
I'd have been like, you can take me, but just
lay her down on the tracks.

Speaker 1 (45:19):
Someone will find me.

Speaker 2 (45:20):
It's fine, but lay her neck on the rail. She
just wants to go. It's okay, that's what she wants.

Speaker 1 (45:26):
Unfortunately, one of the foot clan, who was not knocked unconscious,
does follow them.

Speaker 2 (45:31):
Yep, so we cut to the turtle headquarters. Raphael puts
April on the couch. She's still unconscious. All the turtles
are around like, oh my god, you brought her here.
What are you doing? You're crazy. She wakes up and
again wildly underreacts to what she's saying. Okay, I want
everyone close your eyes. You're attacked in the subway by
a group of ninjas. You're knocked unconscious. You're expecting to

(45:55):
wake up dead or worse. You wake up, and instead
what you see is four humanoid turtles in face masks
with weapons gathered around you, talking like surfer dudes, and
also an enormous rat that's telling them what to do.

Speaker 1 (46:18):
That is the most terrifying thing I could possibly think of.
I actually think of a giant rat staring at me.

Speaker 2 (46:24):
She should have fainted dead away. Immediately upon opening her eyes,
she screamed at the little rat. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (46:30):
Instead, what she says is why can't I ever dream
of Harrison Ford?

Speaker 2 (46:33):
Because she thinks she's having a dream obviously, so she
just screams. She claims that she's dreaming like Erica said,
and Splinter is like, please calm down. I'll explain what
you're looking at here.

Speaker 1 (46:46):
She's like, this rat hasn't speaks English for the Japanese,
what is happening?

Speaker 2 (46:51):
So Splinter explains that he and the turtles have lived
in the sewers for fifteen years. Before that, he was
just a pet rat in a cage, learning the art
of ninja by watching his owner Yoshi, and all of
this has like flashbacks to like this rat puppet.

Speaker 1 (47:09):
Like in a ca Okay, look, I've already come down
really hard on rats.

Speaker 2 (47:13):
This was cute.

Speaker 1 (47:15):
This was super cute. This little rat puppet like like
doing Taichi in the cage. I was into it.

Speaker 2 (47:21):
The rat puppet is cute. But we're about to come
across some puppets that are nightmare fuel. Because he just
says we came to New York, doesn't give the reason why.
We'll find out why later. He discovered four young turtles
crawling into some radioactive material or ooze if you will.
The ooze caused all five animals to grow more humanoid

(47:44):
in both body and intellect, and the little baby turtle
puppets are horrifying.

Speaker 1 (47:51):
I don't think I noticed. I don't think I clocked it.

Speaker 2 (47:54):
Oh they all look like like the dinosaurs and the
land before Time.

Speaker 1 (47:58):
But wrong, Oh the way Paul said wrong, he looked
so haunted.

Speaker 2 (48:08):
So he says they've lived in the sewers ever since.
And April, you know what I'm gonna give. I'm gonna
give April some credit here. I think April has calculated
her odds here. And she says, the fastest way home
is being like cool.

Speaker 1 (48:23):
Okay, yeah, nice to meet you all.

Speaker 2 (48:25):
Thank you for saving me from those ninjas that attacked
me in the subway. May I go home please? And
it works. They're like, okay, we'll take you.

Speaker 1 (48:34):
Home and they all become friends bff's. The turtles walk
April home through the sewers. They end up like out
of a manhole right in front of her the apartment
that she lives in on Bleeker Street.

Speaker 2 (48:46):
Did you leak her an eleventh bleaker.

Speaker 1 (48:48):
In eleventh looks a little different now, Yeah, She's trying
to do the polite thing where she's like, well, thank
you for walking me home.

Speaker 2 (48:54):
You can leave.

Speaker 1 (48:54):
Now, And then she's like, well, I would invite you in,
but I have to offer you with some frozen pizza.
And of course that's their magic word, that's their fetish.

Speaker 2 (49:06):
Yeah, and they're like.

Speaker 1 (49:09):
Whoa pizza, Calabunga. The turtles are in, and so we
cut to inside April's apartment and she's now made the
frozen pizza. They've all had the frozen pizza, and she
is actually being charmed by them. To be fair, she's
a reporter, right, so she's naturally curious. Who wouldn't be curious?
So what the fuck is going on here? What are

(49:30):
your personalities?

Speaker 2 (49:31):
What do you do? Who are you?

Speaker 1 (49:33):
Michelangelo is entertaining everyone with movie impressions. This is for
the adults in the room, I think, because in nineteen
ninety someone impersonating James Cagney I think would have been funny.
I am now of the adult age from nineteen ninety,
but I'm still like, I'm still like, that's not funny,
and I don't get it. Leonardo says they should head
out so Splinter doesn't start to worry about them, and

(49:54):
April's like, oh, I'm actually really sorry to see you guys.
Go I've like, I'm really entertained by you, and the
turtles are sure she'll see them again as soon as
she restocks her pizza supply.

Speaker 2 (50:04):
I want to tell you something that I got out
of the scene, which was a relief. It was a
good thing out of the scene. So, going into this movie,
I was not entirely sure what the movies take on
intraspecies Romance was going to be, Oh, dear, only because
I was like, I don't I don't know how old
the turtles are, like, and look, the turtles are fifteen.

(50:25):
The movie knows that. This was the scene where I
was like, okay, the movie knows they're fifteen, and April
knows they're fifteen. April is at least twenty four. I'm
not going to be forced nor is r Hoe going
to be forced to watch her kiss Raphael, which going
in I was like, how much did we ask of
Judith Hoget this movie? How much of an apology do

(50:48):
we owe her?

Speaker 1 (50:49):
Is this a Leah Thompson situation exactly? Watch her make
out with a giant duck toy, exactly.

Speaker 2 (50:54):
We don't good news.

Speaker 1 (50:56):
We don't God, because you know what, that was uncomfortable
and Howard the duck.

Speaker 2 (51:00):
Yeah, the Turtles head back home, only to discover that
the entire hideout has been ransacked and Splinter is gone.
Remember that foot ninja that followed Rafael into the sewers.
He came back with some friends while the Turtles were
not there to defend their turf. Raphael collapses on to
his knees and shouts in rage, and then they head
back to April, who immediately welcomes them back into her apartment.

Speaker 1 (51:23):
Okay, when Rafael collapses on his knees and shouts with rage,
so many young girls and boys, probably boys here watching this,
were like, Oh, he's wounded, he's wounded. I'll tend to
his internal wounds. I'll tend to the wound in his heart. Yes,
for he is Rochester and I am Jane.

Speaker 2 (51:42):
You'd see Raphael locking your ex wife up in the
attic A thousand percent? Yeah. Yeah. Meanwhile we see the
police chief calling Charles, that's April's boss in regards to
the ginger delinquent Danny's arrest. Right, Remember we saw him
being led in to the handcuffs. Now the police chief
is calling his father with an agenda and some leverage.

Speaker 1 (52:02):
The next morning, Charles shows up at April's apartment with
Danny once again in tow, and he asks her to
back off while her reporting for a while, like, hey,
can you just cool it with this foot stuff for
a minute. And she's like why, and he's like, I
can't talk about it. He like looks at his kid.
He does that thing that because he seems like a
good dad.

Speaker 2 (52:21):
Hey, his kid just sucks.

Speaker 1 (52:23):
Sometimes you get a dud everyone, what you can.

Speaker 2 (52:27):
Do about it? His mother appears to you either have
left or passed away, So Danny might have some stuff.

Speaker 1 (52:33):
Yeah sure, yeah, but also he's kind of a dud.

Speaker 2 (52:35):
Yeah he's not great, Like.

Speaker 1 (52:37):
Yeah, he looks at his kid and he's like, I
can't explain it, but he just back off for a minute.

Speaker 2 (52:42):
Can you please do a human interest story just today?
Can you please just for today discuss about how like
a pigeon shot on the old woman on a park bench.

Speaker 1 (52:52):
Also, there's so much more crime in New York, but
we can talk about literally any other crime, any other crime.
So there's an arsonist in the Bronx. Why didn't you
go talk about there's there's a man showing little girls
his penis in the park.

Speaker 2 (53:05):
Please enjoy that story. Can you just go to dance
Ateria and report on whoever was at Dancitaria last night?
Just for fucking today, You're fun.

Speaker 1 (53:12):
New York has fun stuff too. We're not just crime
and and rodents. We have good stuff.

Speaker 2 (53:17):
There's a whole theater district.

Speaker 1 (53:19):
Jesus Christ, the ballets in town. Would you just do
a story about that.

Speaker 2 (53:22):
Come on, April, come on, give me a fucking break, April,
me a bone.

Speaker 1 (53:28):
The Mets suck. That's it, that's it.

Speaker 2 (53:33):
The Yankees are still winning in the Mets suck.

Speaker 1 (53:36):
April is not interested. She's like, nope, fuck you.

Speaker 2 (53:39):
And the horsey came in on and your kid tips
and your.

Speaker 1 (53:42):
Fucking dud kid. He's like, you know how you were
heavily concussed yesterday? Why didn't you just take a day off?

Speaker 2 (53:48):
Can you? Yeah? Can you just not come to work?

Speaker 1 (53:49):
Then, while they're having this conversation, the ginger dud behind
his dad is like looking over his shoulder, rolling his eyes.
Who hasn't been arrested before?

Speaker 2 (53:59):
Dada? Be cool?

Speaker 1 (54:01):
He sees one of the turtles hiding under April's kitchen table. Yea,
and he like blinks for a second and then the
turtle is gone, so he thinks, maybe, Okay, did I
see what I thought I just saw? I'm not sure,
but he definitely sees them there. Yep, that's important. So
as he and his father drive away, his father scolds
Danny for stealing, and he's like, what am I gonna

(54:22):
do with you? I'm gonna ground you and I'm gonna
have to drive you to school every day so I
can make sure that you're actually going to school. And
when they stop at a light, Danny just opens the
car door and it's like see y'all and pieces out
runs away into the subway.

Speaker 2 (54:36):
We cut to an arcade in an abandoned building outside
the city.

Speaker 1 (54:41):
Here's what I think happened. I think it's an abandoned
building outside the city that these kids have tricked out
into an arcade. This looks like that scene in Hackers
when they go into that first club in Hackers, because
there's like there's like a skate ramp and arcade games everywhere.
I'm like this this movie walks so Hackers run.

Speaker 2 (55:00):
Correct inside, kids play pool, they smoke cigars, They skateboard,
they gamble, they have dance parties. There's one girl delinquent,
one female linquin.

Speaker 1 (55:09):
What for you, girl? We don't give enough credit to
our pioneers in female delinquency. Yeah that's right, ladies. I
see you, I see you. I see you skipping class.

Speaker 2 (55:17):
I see you, lesbian gang from the Warriors.

Speaker 1 (55:19):
I see you. Thank you for your sir. I see
you beating up smaller, weaker girls.

Speaker 2 (55:25):
I see you shoving girls into lockers when they deserve it.

Speaker 1 (55:27):
Yeah, you know what good for you?

Speaker 3 (55:29):
For you?

Speaker 1 (55:30):
We need you.

Speaker 2 (55:32):
So, future Oscar winner Sam Rockwell leads a couple of
new recruits into this underage dystopia slash utopia.

Speaker 1 (55:39):
Okay, I have to say this is where I clocked
Sam Rockwell. Okay, took me this long. I was like,
who the fuck is that guy? And again I didn't
really clock him until I looked it up on the internet.

Speaker 2 (55:49):
I know I know him, I know I know him.

Speaker 1 (55:51):
He gets such a rat face when he was younger.
Who knew he would blossom into the into the into
like he's a little ratty still Yeah yeah, but he's
he's hot. He's kind of hot, right, he's like ugly sexy. Yeah,
he's got like an ugly sexiness. Like he is full
on rat face teenager.

Speaker 2 (56:07):
The teenage. The teenage facial hair is not helping the
rat face accusations. We also meet Tatsu played by Toshi
shira Obata.

Speaker 1 (56:16):
Thank god, thank you for like an actual Asian person
in this film.

Speaker 2 (56:22):
Yeah, thank you. I thought you were thanking God for
you not having to.

Speaker 1 (56:26):
Say that, but no, honestly, I was like, finally someone
of actual Asian heritage in this movie.

Speaker 2 (56:35):
He is the second in command of the Foot remember
the Ninja clan. He is the second in command of them.
He's just like keeping an eye on things. He's kind
of wandering through, and eventually we cut to another room
where kids are training in hand to hand combat, as
you like your delinquents to be doing. Yeah, yeah. A
gong sounds and everyone rushes to attention, and a shadowed

(56:56):
figure in a silver cape and an elaborate metal helmet appears.
This Erica is Shredder played by James.

Speaker 1 (57:04):
Saito, who's way too hot to be wearing a mask.

Speaker 2 (57:07):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (57:07):
He's gorgeous.

Speaker 2 (57:08):
He's so good looking. He's got if you look him up. Listeners,
you have seen him. You know who James Cito is.
He's a very handsome Asian man. Another Asian man in
this movie.

Speaker 1 (57:17):
I didn't recognize him at first because of the thing,
and then later in the movie when he takes it off, Oh, like,
oh you I know you. Yeah, you should not be
wearing a mask.

Speaker 2 (57:25):
Correct. This is like Pedro Pascal and the Mandalorian. Why
are we hiring Paedri Pascal to put a mask on him?

Speaker 1 (57:30):
What are we doing? Guys?

Speaker 2 (57:31):
What are we doing?

Speaker 1 (57:31):
Are we doing?

Speaker 2 (57:32):
Tatsu pulls back Shredder's cape to reveal spiky shoulder treatments
over what Erica I can only describe as Eliza Menelly
jumpsuit and ox blood red. That's what that is. I
don't know what else to call it.

Speaker 1 (57:44):
You're not wrong, Paul, You are one hundred percent correct.

Speaker 2 (57:47):
It is somehow tight and baggy at the same time.
That is Eliza Minelli jumpsuit yep. Shredder reminds the assemblage
that the Foot is their family and he is their father,
and all the teens pay attention, and as he speaks,
the camera pans back and we see Splinter chained to
a wall in the hideout which means that Shredder is
making the eternal villain mistake of not simply killing the enemy.

(58:09):
Why won't you just kill? Why are you holding onto
the rat?

Speaker 1 (58:12):
Yeah, for God's sake, because.

Speaker 2 (58:14):
We will find out later that he doesn't know who
or what the rat is.

Speaker 1 (58:17):
So he doesn't understand what he's looking at. Think, why
are you keeping it?

Speaker 2 (58:20):
He thinks he just has a humanoid rat, which like.

Speaker 1 (58:24):
A four five foot humanoid rat. I think Splinter is
taller than the turtles.

Speaker 2 (58:29):
Right, crazy, I think he's shorter than the turtle.

Speaker 1 (58:32):
Then that okay, So let's say he's four feet tall. No,
that's too big.

Speaker 2 (58:35):
It's too big for a rat.

Speaker 1 (58:36):
Don't keep it around. No.

Speaker 2 (58:38):
Shredder tells everyone that they must be his eyes and
ears so they can take on these interlopers in the
foots business in New York, these turtles. And we hear
someone say master, and the camera pans up as Shredder
turns and we see on a balcony the ginger dud
Danny is there. Remember Danny saw the turtles in aprils apartment.

(59:00):
That's right, it's the problem.

Speaker 1 (59:01):
So now he's he's a giant rat talking and he's
like wait, wait a minute, here's a whole thing here.

Speaker 2 (59:06):
I can put two and two together and get mutated animals.

Speaker 1 (59:09):
SAA, doctor Moreau in the house.

Speaker 2 (59:12):
Okay, I went to that English class.

Speaker 1 (59:15):
Ever since you said that thing about elizamn ljcuit. Now
I'm just picturing Shredder doing a cabaret act.

Speaker 2 (59:22):
Shredder tries to turn on a lamp.

Speaker 1 (59:24):
Shredder with an S.

Speaker 2 (59:26):
It's shredder with an S. Nuts, Shredder with a Z.
Shredder with the Z goes is nuts exactly.

Speaker 1 (59:30):
Yeah, Shredder just doing.

Speaker 2 (59:33):
In New York, New York, and the world goes round.

Speaker 1 (59:37):
Well the while the boys have to watch. He makes
them all watch, and he's like he's like, gather around
my minions. Tonight we train, but.

Speaker 2 (59:46):
First start spreading the news. M Shredder today.

Speaker 1 (59:55):
You have to understand the way I am my hair.
A tiger is a tiger, not a lamb mine hair.
And the boy's like, what is happy?

Speaker 2 (01:00:05):
What is this a Medley Medley?

Speaker 1 (01:00:08):
Oh my god, he's doing the full lies of Medley.

Speaker 2 (01:00:10):
Guys.

Speaker 1 (01:00:11):
We gotta get out of here. And then and then
and then halfway through he like whips off the mask
and he's like come on, everybody get happy, and like,
God damn it, he's skipped lies.

Speaker 2 (01:00:20):
I know he's doing Jude. He's gone Judy. He's got Judy,
He's got full Judy.

Speaker 1 (01:00:24):
We're gonna be here for days.

Speaker 2 (01:00:26):
He's doing the whole thing of Judy at the Palace,
her whole set. Erica's about halfway through the movie. Commercials
stuff for commercial break, so we can think of more
lies than Judy songs.

Speaker 3 (01:00:38):
I really want pizza excellent. We'll be right back, and
we're back, all right.

Speaker 2 (01:00:52):
So we cut to the turtles. They are watching April
on TV again. She has not taken a day off.
She has, in fact doubled down. April is bill hot
on the trail of the foot every time they make
Judith Hoage say that's it should be another ten thousand
dollars onto her salary. Immediately at the end, she mentions

(01:01:12):
the fact that she herself was a mugging victim, and
she takes the time to personally thank Rafael, who's who's
fully like Marlon Brandoing on the waterfront, like he's so
Brooklyn here, he's so brooding. The other turtles start to
tease him until he whips one of his size right
in between Donatello's legs, and I was like, wow, this

(01:01:32):
escalated quickly. Donna Tello and Michael Angelo. So like the
Four Turtles Dynamics, Donna Tello and Michael Angelo are, for
lack of atter term, the comic relief. They really have
nothing serious to do in the movie. Yeah, and then Rafael,
as we've said, is like the brooding romantic hero, and
Leonardo is the leader. He's the one who takes the
most seriously. He's I think, the best fighter, the most mature,

(01:01:55):
the most mature. Right, So the two comic relief ones leave.
They go to the kitchen while Rafael and Leonardo fight
as to what their next move should because remember, Splinter's gone.
They don't know where he is, they don't know where
to find him, their father figure. They're all alone in
the world for the first time. Leonardo wants to wait
for April to find another lead. April is a reporter.
She is looking for leads on the foot. We know

(01:02:16):
the foot took Splinter. We have to wait. Rafael is
frustrated by the lack of action, although he crucially has
no alternative plan. Yeah, we just be out wandering the
streets as newtant ninja turtles. Yeah, in full daylight.

Speaker 1 (01:02:31):
On the streets, but not the weirdest thing people would
see on New.

Speaker 2 (01:02:34):
York then right fair, he storms up to the roof.

Speaker 1 (01:02:37):
Okay, he does a full Ren McCormick on that roof.

Speaker 2 (01:02:40):
He does.

Speaker 1 (01:02:40):
Remember that scene in Footloose where a Wren where Wren
gets frustrated so he goes to the warehouse and just
dances his feelings out. It's that except it's a giant
It's a man in a giant turtle costume on a
roof in New York City. Maybe I guess like doing
like ninja kicks in the air and like jumping up.
It is so funny.

Speaker 2 (01:03:00):
It's second only to the Sweet Charity. There's gotta be
something better than this dance on the roofs of New
York City. It's almost that good.

Speaker 1 (01:03:07):
It's almost as good as that scene in West Side
Story where they do America rooftop.

Speaker 2 (01:03:11):
It's almost that good. That good.

Speaker 1 (01:03:13):
It's close on the roof. Raphael Rages is that rages around,
fights his feelings through through the art of dance.

Speaker 2 (01:03:20):
Uh huh.

Speaker 1 (01:03:22):
He's spotted from a distance by Casey. Casey Jones is
like on a separate rooftop, just like looking at things
through binoculars. He's he's doing his vigilante thing. He's waiting
for crime to happen so you can go and and
confront it.

Speaker 2 (01:03:35):
Still modeling those thin gray sweatpants.

Speaker 1 (01:03:37):
He will wear that through a lot of this movie.

Speaker 2 (01:03:39):
And the entire movie appropriate, it's appropriate.

Speaker 1 (01:03:42):
Does he not change once April enters the picture?

Speaker 2 (01:03:44):
I don't think so. Really, I do not believe he changes.
I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

Speaker 1 (01:03:49):
I think my brain just refused to acknowledge it any further.
And I just didn't look below his I was like,
you know what, I'm only gonna look for you from
the neck, look at you from the neck up.

Speaker 2 (01:03:57):
I can't look Those sweatpants required a cup or a
dance belt, because anything less restricted than those two things
would have been genuinely upset.

Speaker 1 (01:04:06):
And you can literally see the cup at one point,
and it makes you know he's doing probably quite a
few of his own stunts. Sure, but again, cargo pants,
anything else, please, for God's sake. I'm shocked once they
introduced a female adult human character that the costume designer
wasn't like, I'm sorry, we have to change his clothes.
She's not gonna say something. Yeah, anyway, moving on, moving on,

(01:04:31):
casey ces. As Raphael is surrounded by a bunch of
ninjas from the Foot and is attacked, he really holds
his own for a while. Yeah, there's like twelve of them,
and he is like, bring it on, hold on, excuse me.
He's like, bring it on. I pop Bye Doyle from
the French Connection. I'm in Brooklyn, I'm walking. So he's

(01:04:55):
holding his own, but the enemies just keep appearing. There's
a clown car of ninja's out there, and they keep
flooding this rooftop. Eventually he is flung through the skylight
on the roof and lands in front of April and
his brother's unconscious. Like he lay through the skylight to
April's apartment.

Speaker 2 (01:05:12):
Yep.

Speaker 1 (01:05:13):
The Foot ninjas start to attack the remaining Turtles, who
are more than a match for them.

Speaker 2 (01:05:17):
Yeah, these are not like Rafael did even to have
his weapons, right, well, they take his weapons, they throw
them at.

Speaker 1 (01:05:23):
All he had was the art of dance. If he
had had Chrispen on that roof with him, yeah, done,
fucking done, then the Foot would have been grassed.

Speaker 2 (01:05:35):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:05:36):
No, fucking way. Chris pen whose name in that movie?
I am trying so hard to remember and it will
come to me because I remembered Red McCormick really fast.

Speaker 2 (01:05:45):
I want to say, will Billy, Billy, Bucky Wilbur is it? Wilbur?
Is it? Wilbur?

Speaker 1 (01:05:52):
Hang on looking up the footloose right now?

Speaker 2 (01:05:54):
Everybody cut loose, footloose, damn it.

Speaker 1 (01:05:57):
I accidentally googled Footsteps of the Fog.

Speaker 2 (01:06:01):
That's what Rafael does when he's on the moors, footsteps
in the fog.

Speaker 1 (01:06:04):
And now and now Google's like, do you mean footlight Parade?

Speaker 2 (01:06:07):
I'm like, no, no, God, you suck.

Speaker 1 (01:06:09):
I understand that you get me more than I get myself. Yeah,
in my heart, I do mean footlight parade. Yes, but
not right now. Right now I need to know the
name of Chris Penn's character in it is Willard Hewitt.

Speaker 2 (01:06:22):
Willard Hewett. We were close, were you were close?

Speaker 1 (01:06:25):
Knocked you knocked that one out of the park.

Speaker 2 (01:06:27):
If Willard Hewett.

Speaker 1 (01:06:29):
Had been up there with Raphael, this movie is over.

Speaker 2 (01:06:34):
This movie's done, all right. The foot Ninjas realizing that
they are overmatched by the three Turtles, the might of
three turtles to haul out some battle axes to try
to even the odds. This unfortunately leads to a lot
of floor damage. In an old New York City brownstone,
the floor collapses, dumping everyone into the antique shop below,

(01:06:57):
and still more foot ninjas attack Hid. The battle starts
to turn against the Turtles until who should appear but
thin gray sweatpants McGee, Casey Jones.

Speaker 1 (01:07:09):
But moose knuckle McGee.

Speaker 2 (01:07:10):
Moose knuckle McGee. He appears to help. He starts to
fight on the side of the Turtles. A fire ignites
when an errant battle axe strike severs some power lines.
April leads the Turtles through a secret trapdoor, because who
doesn't have a secret trap door exit in their antique shop?

Speaker 1 (01:07:26):
I mean it's it's antique shop owning one on one.

Speaker 2 (01:07:29):
If Banksy taught us nothing, he taught us that you
need to exit to the gift shop.

Speaker 1 (01:07:32):
Exactly right.

Speaker 2 (01:07:33):
I mean, come on, this sho has a gift shop.
It has a gift shop. Obviously. Casey holds off the
foot while everyone escapes. They take Raphael. He's still unconscious.
This means he's the only one to hear the message
that Charles leaves on April's answering machine, telling her, unfortunately,
I have to fire you. He hears that, and then
he follows the turtles in April through the secret door

(01:07:55):
as the antique shop burns.

Speaker 1 (01:07:57):
Yep, I'm curious about April's priorities in life, because I'm sure,
especially in nineteen ninety like television news reporters did well, right,
like good paycheck, nice living, whatever, interesting job. But you
know how much money you can make as an antique
dealer in New York City.

Speaker 2 (01:08:11):
Oh yeah, that.

Speaker 1 (01:08:13):
She would have been rich if she'd even just a
little bit open to that shop, like just on Saturdays
and Sundays. Actually, that makes it even better.

Speaker 2 (01:08:20):
It's exclusive.

Speaker 1 (01:08:21):
It's exclusive if you were if you were an appointment
only antique store on like a rough street in the
West Village or whatever. During the nineties, those Upper East
Side ladies would have bought that whole store out.

Speaker 2 (01:08:32):
And can I can I wan up you on this?
Can I wan up you on this?

Speaker 1 (01:08:35):
You please do?

Speaker 2 (01:08:35):
You're only open on Saturdays and Sundays. But now you
have some new friends, and now you have doormen, and
your door men are teenage mutant ninja turtles.

Speaker 1 (01:08:43):
Oh my god, Biffy Von Mingerling would fucking live for
that shit.

Speaker 2 (01:08:47):
Biffy, Biffy, have you gone to the Teenage Ninja Turtle
gift shop downtown? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (01:08:53):
Why yes, Hester the Proxy, I have gone. I am
so delighted by that Don Tello.

Speaker 2 (01:09:03):
Yeah, what a droll fellow. Yes, I saw, I saw
the Leonardo on there. He's so he's so delightful. Have
you seen his bottom in that pair of pants they
have him in?

Speaker 1 (01:09:13):
Well, I don't know why they called box turtles when
they have apple bottom. Anyway, I bought the most amazing.

Speaker 2 (01:09:20):
Shiz, so stupid excellent.

Speaker 1 (01:09:27):
That's exactly how rich people sound.

Speaker 2 (01:09:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:09:30):
Yeah, it's like you don't believe me. Walk walk on
Park Avenue for thirty minutes.

Speaker 2 (01:09:34):
Go to the Upper east Side. You will meet Hester
and Biffy.

Speaker 1 (01:09:36):
Yeah, you will meet them. You will hear them talking.
They'll probably be yelling at someone, yeah, for doing a
bad job at something.

Speaker 2 (01:09:43):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:09:44):
Anyway, leaving, leaving the Upper east Side, coming back down
to the village, April's home is burning down, and we
see Danny the Ginger dud before watching from afar, looking
quite guilty. Yeah, or jeez, I think I uh, I
may have made a mistake. Here. Yeah, back at the
foot Headquarter. Shredder just finished it. He did all of

(01:10:05):
Liza at the Hollywood Bowl. Then he went judy at
Carnegie Hall and they were like, oh no, he's judy ing.
He's judy ing. And then he locked the doors. They
couldn't get out, shut it down, and then all of
a sudden, deep deep into this, he started to scat
and they were like, oh god, oh god, it's Barbara.
He's doing Barbara.

Speaker 2 (01:10:22):
He's barbaring.

Speaker 1 (01:10:23):
He's barbaring. Do we have to kill him? Are we
gonna have to kill him?

Speaker 2 (01:10:26):
Yeah, we're gonna have to kill have to kill him, guys,
But he's at the height of his powers because he's barbering.

Speaker 1 (01:10:30):
He's barbaring. We have to make sure we don't miss
if we if we miss, he will start to Doris Day.

Speaker 2 (01:10:41):
And then we're fucked. He will start to Peggy Lee.
He will give us all fever. Oh god, oh god,
he's worth a kidding's It's horrible and also racially inappropriate.
What is that I hear? Is that Cruz?

Speaker 1 (01:11:01):
And then he circles back and he's like, and for
the finale.

Speaker 2 (01:11:05):
Maybe this time I'll be the lucky He.

Speaker 1 (01:11:08):
Goes back to E Liza, and all the boys just die.
No of them die, statistically speaking, at least ten percent
of them are super into all of it. Yeah. Once
he finishes to the boys, we're still with us, shreddered
because he goes into bed midlerk kidding, kidding.

Speaker 2 (01:11:32):
Book book you company, b well, you got to have friends.

Speaker 1 (01:11:40):
I forgot his name already, but his second in command
comes in as like a as like a mermaid in
a wheelchair one of the harlets, Yeah, doing the dance
behind him. Okay, seriously moving on, Moving on, Shredder demands
answers about the turtles from Splinter. Who are these turtles?
What's happening? Why are there anthropomorphic animals running around New
York City? Do I need to be concerned about this?

(01:12:02):
Tatsu beats on a couple of the foot ninjas, enraged
at their failures. Right he remember these are still teenage boys.
So the teenage boys are like, We're so sorry. We
tried our best to like fight off these ninjas and
we couldn't these ninja turtles, and Tatsu starts to beat
on them. This kind of turns the tide. Suddenly, the
kids in this gang are like, oh, This is fucking real.

Speaker 2 (01:12:25):
This got real.

Speaker 1 (01:12:26):
I don't like this anymore.

Speaker 2 (01:12:27):
Stealing TVs was fun. Getting punched in the face by
a grown man, not so much.

Speaker 1 (01:12:31):
Yeah, yeah, like getting my ass beat by a ninja
turtle and then getting punched for it, and like, I
don't care for this. Danny is now continuing to wonder
if oh I think I chose the wrong side here. Whoops, whoops,
and he goes to see Splinter one on one. Splinter
offers him a friendly ear, the only one he has.

Speaker 2 (01:12:50):
Yeah, yes, Splinter has one year.

Speaker 1 (01:12:54):
We're gonna learn later why, but literally has one ear.
Danny claims that his father doesn't give a crap about him.
He's my dad hates me, and I'm like, I seen
zero evidence of that, Danny.

Speaker 2 (01:13:03):
I've seen you really trying to make him hate you
and him somehow manage you to love you through it.

Speaker 1 (01:13:07):
Yeah, that's how legally bound to love you your father is.
Splinter reassures him it isn't true. Your father does love you,
believe me. Yeah, and he says it in this way
that's so like effective that Danny starts to really listen
to him.

Speaker 2 (01:13:21):
He's like, oh wait, what the turtles April and Casey
Jones drive up to an old, abandoned farmhouse that's in
April's family. Apparently, Casey tells April that she's been fired,
which she doesn't take very well, and they immediately start
yelling each other in that way that says they'll be
swooching later. Right.

Speaker 1 (01:13:37):
So were you so happy here when they gave her
a like an adult.

Speaker 2 (01:13:41):
Human to interact with.

Speaker 1 (01:13:43):
To interact with, to have her as a love interest
instead of a teenage turtle.

Speaker 2 (01:13:47):
Yes? I mean I had already accept okay, they're not
doing that, but this was really like, okay, good, we
are safe here.

Speaker 1 (01:13:52):
Yeah, we're putting a nail in the coffin on what
I thought might be the weirdest fucking thing.

Speaker 2 (01:13:58):
Even Donna Tello was like, oh, it's like moonlighting. A
very timely reference in twenty twenty five.

Speaker 1 (01:14:04):
I wish to god I had a time machine to
go back and watch this movie with my ten year
old self, to be like, which of these jokes do
you understand? I bet like thirty percent of the movie
just went straight over my head. And watch it a
hundred times.

Speaker 2 (01:14:17):
You're like the pizza ones, Yeah, pizza jokes are all
the jokes right.

Speaker 1 (01:14:19):
The one where they danced to tequila, but instead they
say dn jitsu.

Speaker 2 (01:14:22):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:14:23):
April, bereft of a job of a home, just starts
to sketch her new friends and journal about the turtles.
She's putting her feelings down on paper. She starts to
write about how worried she is about all of them
and about Splinter. She says, each of them are dealing
with this in their own way. Donna Tello has become

(01:14:43):
very close to Casey, and then we see the two
of them like fixing an old jaloppy puppet on April's
property together, and like trading good natured insults in alphabetical order,
which took me way too long to realize they were
doing as a grown up watching this movie. It wasn't
until one of them was like which one, and they're
like gee, oh gee.

Speaker 2 (01:15:02):
I didn't get until they said that either.

Speaker 1 (01:15:03):
I was like, ah, I should have caught this earlier.
Leonardo is sitting by Rafael's side, like doing a vigil
over his fallen brother. We would say bedside, but Rafael,
who's still unconscious from the beating he took from the foot,
has been unceremoniously dumped face down into a half full
bathtub because he's a turtle, and so they need to
put him in water.

Speaker 2 (01:15:24):
Like two limbs are hanging out, like, could you arrange
him in a more comfortable position?

Speaker 1 (01:15:28):
Did it look not like he's dead?

Speaker 2 (01:15:29):
Please? By the way, in case anyone's wondering how Michelangelo
is dealing with all this footage not found foot just
eating pizza eating, That's exactly I was like, it's got
to be with pizza. He's working on he's building a
brick oven in the backyard. Oh, good for you, Yes,
super sick, that's fucking useful. Yeah. Eventually Rafael wakes up
and Leonardo is thrilled. The two of them apologize to

(01:15:51):
each other, and the four turtles go back to their training.
They're still worried about Splinter's fate. This is the scene
that Erica was referencing earlier, where they're doing like backflips
in the in the in.

Speaker 1 (01:15:59):
The where the sun Doubles are earning their goddamn paycheck.

Speaker 2 (01:16:03):
Yeah, we cut back to the foot headquarters and we
learned that Splinter still has not spoken to Shredder. Right,
he's he has not said a word to Shredder. And
then we find out that Danny has disappeared. Okay. Tatsu,
that's second in command, wonders why Shredder isn't going to
do more of his Bet Middler. He thinks he should
work more Bet Middler into the cabaret.

Speaker 1 (01:16:24):
He wants to be in the cabaret at ye. He's like,
you only want to be Bet because she has backup
singers and the others do. And he's like, that's not true,
that's true, that's not true. For example, we could do
Liza and Judy together. Yeah, And he's like, well, which
one would you be? And Tatsu's like, you know, whichever one.
You don't want to be Judy and he's like, fuck you, you
can't be Judy.

Speaker 2 (01:16:42):
I'm Judy's well, I'll be LIZI He's like, no, I'm Liza.
Look at my jumpsuit.

Speaker 1 (01:16:47):
You can be Laura Loft and Tottsu's like, Barna big Lorna.

Speaker 2 (01:16:56):
Oh, that's not really what happens. Tatsu wonders why shred
is so focused on the Turtles, and Treder says something
about their fighting style reminds him of his past.

Speaker 1 (01:17:08):
I'm so glad the movie actually like put these things
because I'm like, you're right. At this point, I'm like, seriously,
why don't you just fucking kill that rat? So they
are kind of connecting pieces here. Meanwhile, back at the farmhouse,
Leonardo tries to meditate. He's sitting under a tree home

(01:17:28):
and he actually manages to connect with Splinter telepathically. That
ooze was really oozing.

Speaker 2 (01:17:34):
Those ya he guys was strong.

Speaker 1 (01:17:36):
What do we think that ooz came from? Like, there's
so many possibilities in New York City. Have you ever
walked on the street and seen green ooze coming out
of the sewer? It's it doesn't not happen. I've seen it,
and I'm always and I'm always like, are we gonna be.

Speaker 2 (01:17:51):
Okay, we'll be fine. It's our it's our grandchildren's grandchildren
that probably after words.

Speaker 1 (01:17:58):
It's gonna have fish gills.

Speaker 2 (01:18:01):
Well, it comes from a canister, which means it screams
governmental experiment to mend.

Speaker 1 (01:18:06):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is uh didn't we used to
have a nuclear power plan around here somewhere they probably
had a problem.

Speaker 2 (01:18:11):
Yeah, I think so that sounds right.

Speaker 1 (01:18:13):
Don't google it, don't worry about it. So he connects
with Splinter telepathically He gathers his brothers around the campfire
and tells them all to close their eyes and concentrate. There,
they become teenage boys for a minute. They're all like, boh,
this is dumb. He's like, do it. The fire starts
to burn blue, and Splinter appears in a reference to

(01:18:35):
Star Wars, so obvious that even I was like, well
he is Obi wan Kenobi in this scene. This is
so this even looks like Star Wars.

Speaker 2 (01:18:44):
Even I was like, that's a force ghost. Neither of
us are huge Star Wars people. I've seen most of
the movies.

Speaker 1 (01:18:49):
But maybe a third of the movie.

Speaker 2 (01:18:51):
Yeah, I've seen maybe half of them, but like we
should do Star Wars eventually. But like I was like
force ghost, that's a forest ghost. Immediately, like I clocked the.

Speaker 1 (01:18:59):
Scene there and I was like, wow, that is really obvious.
Splinter tells them that he's proud of them and that
they've realized their greatest power, that they love each other,
and with his final words, he says, I love you,
my sons, and then Splinter fades away and the turtles
all weep in the woods. No wonder, I love this

(01:19:20):
movie genuinely. No wonder, I love this movie. This movie
was written by Percy Blithe Shelley. This movie is meant
for like emotional girls to watch.

Speaker 2 (01:19:31):
Did you think Splinter was dead? I thought Splinter was
dead dying.

Speaker 1 (01:19:35):
He literally says, my final words are I love you.
My son's many leaves, and I'm like, oh my god,
I bet. I wept like a baby the first time
I first sure.

Speaker 2 (01:19:47):
The next morning, the turtles tell April and Casey that
it's time to go back to the city. They've they've
had their lessons, they've contacted the forest ghosts, they've recovered.
They're ready to go take on the foot. They lead
their friends into the sewers. Very sadly, April is in
pumps when she is being led through like ankle deep
water in the sewers. That's not fair.

Speaker 1 (01:20:06):
April is in pumps through a lot of this movie.
And fuck you guys, fuck you all for making it.
I mean, of those she's got legs for days. I understand,
but give her pair of Doc Martins. Give her, yeah,
give her some shit kickers for God's sake.

Speaker 2 (01:20:16):
Yeah. Once they get there, they start to like set
everything back up. They start to fix it from where
it was ransacked from Splinter's kidnapping, they hear something, they
discover Danny hiding like a in a boudoir or something
like that. He immediately begs April not to call his father.
He's like, can I just spend the night here? We
can call him tomorrow, Please don't call him. So April agrees,
and she even gives him one of the sketches that

(01:20:38):
she made of the turtles. So like, Danny is coming around, right,
so he puts the sketch in his back pocket. There's
this weird thing here where I don't even I don't
even know if I can be offended by it. Casey
Jones like doesn't want to stay in the sewers and
they're like, oh, you're claustrophobic, and he goes, you want
to fist in the mouth. I never even looked at
another guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh OK, fine, like low

(01:21:01):
level gay joke or you know, like gay panic moment whatever.
But I genuinely don't get the joke because they say claustrophobic.

Speaker 1 (01:21:09):
Yeah, but he doesn't know what that means.

Speaker 2 (01:21:11):
So he thinks it sounds like day he.

Speaker 1 (01:21:13):
Sounds like homophobic, which he doesn't. I genuinely it's the
joke is bad. It's not that you don't get it,
it's the constriction of it is bad. But yeah, they're
laughing at him. Oh my god, you're claustrophobic haha. And
then he's like, shut up, I've never even looked at
another guy, which is a very twelve year old boy.
Kind of total I guess, but it's the construction is

(01:21:36):
all wrong.

Speaker 2 (01:21:37):
It's all wrong. That night, Danny dreams of both Shredder
and Splinter. He wakes up, he sneaks out, and Casey
notices him and follows him all the way back to
the Foot headquarters, to that arcade outside the city. Danny
goes in. He goes right to Splinter, and Splinter wonders,
where have you been? And Danny's like, oh, I've just
been away and Splinter's like, have you been away? Are

(01:21:58):
you like hiding from your surrogate family here? Danny doesn't
say anything, and Splinter tells him more of his backstory.
Splinter explains how his former master, Yoshi. We heard about
Yoshi before, that's who he came to America with, used
to compete with another man named Oroku. He competed with
a Roku in both martial arts and over a woman

(01:22:18):
named Shin. Shin convinced Yoshi, who she actually loved, to
flee to America, and Oroku vowed vengeance. Now, if you
need any more clues as to who Oroku might be Erica,
he is in a black Liza Minelli jumpsuit and he's singing,
don't tell Mama ha.

Speaker 1 (01:22:36):
It's his evening cabareto evening exactly from his daytime cabaret.

Speaker 2 (01:22:40):
Look. So, Oroku followed them to America. He killed Shin.
When Yoshi returned home, he found his love dead and
he fought with Aroku as well. In the fight, Yoshi
was killed, but Splinter's cage was knocked over. He leaped
onto Aroku and shredded his face. Aroku flung him aside,
and are chopped off Splinter's ear with his sword before leaving.

(01:23:03):
And then we cut back and we realize that's how
Splinter winds up in the sewers. Danny wonders whatever happened
to Aroku, and Splinter says, no one knows, but that
bandana that you're wearing that has his symbol on it.

Speaker 1 (01:23:18):
Danny drops it on the floor. Oh my god, h
gross ew. Meanwhile, Casey breaks in. He tries to blend
in with the teenage boys. It's very hello, fellow youth,
it's very much, and he realizes he has to go
a little more incognito, so he knocks out a foot
ninja and disguises himself in his uniform. Danny decides it's

(01:23:39):
time to denounce Shredder, but before he can leave, Shredder
discovers him and he finds April sketch of Leonardo in
Danny's back pocket. He starts to put pieces together. Shreder
realizes the turtles are back and he's going to go
after them himself, and he instructs Tatsu to kill Splinter again,
doing that villain thing, being like, I'm gonna go take

(01:24:01):
care of that other thing off camera. You second in command,
You take care of this thing.

Speaker 2 (01:24:06):
Yeah, it's very important thing that I could easily do
simply before I leave.

Speaker 1 (01:24:11):
We cannot explain it that. It's not like Splinter is
like buff or tough, or like.

Speaker 2 (01:24:16):
He's giving Nikodmus the old rat from them.

Speaker 1 (01:24:21):
And he's been chained up for days and starving like
he is not at his full fighting weight.

Speaker 2 (01:24:28):
Just kill him already.

Speaker 1 (01:24:29):
Danny runs to rescue Splinter and Casey intercepts him, and
Danny tells Casey what's going on, and then he and
Casey join forces to help Splinter yep the Foot.

Speaker 2 (01:24:39):
Ninjas descend on the turtles hide out, most of them
going through the manhole, but a lucky few having to
like having to like run and slide into like the
penny wise people on the sidewalk to get into it,
like someone drew the short straw that day.

Speaker 1 (01:24:53):
Huh oh, I don't know.

Speaker 2 (01:24:54):
That looks like fun. So then ninjas descend on the turtles,
but the turtles are for them. They fight off the
Foot while Casey and Danny rescue Splinter, and then they
run into Tatsu in another host of enemies. Tatsu initially
has the better of Casey until he knocks him into
a pile of trash and Casey finds a golf club.

(01:25:15):
Erica knocking Casey into a Dick's sporting goods is not
a good idea.

Speaker 1 (01:25:20):
I love this this runner that Casey as long as
he has, because at this point he's used a hockey stick.

Speaker 2 (01:25:26):
A cricket, ricker bat, a baseball bat.

Speaker 1 (01:25:27):
Baseball bat, and now and now a golf club. I
want to keep going let's get increasingly dumb. I mean,
let's do a lacrosse stick, which you remember has a net.

Speaker 2 (01:25:34):
At the end. It's really a tennis racket.

Speaker 1 (01:25:36):
A tennis racket, yeah, A cheerleader's palm, yeah, one of those.
Like he uses his full pole vaults as a g
on someone like, let's like, let's get let's get weird
with it everyone.

Speaker 2 (01:25:48):
Knocking Captain America into a group of Nazis. He's like,
go ape shit, let him enjoy all the sports, knocking
some Mariner into the ocean? How geeky can I get
with these before you let me? Literally are It's like
knocking Dazzler into a sound.

Speaker 1 (01:26:02):
Had you a Captain America? And no further.

Speaker 2 (01:26:05):
Casey grabs the golf club, he knocks Tatsu out, and
the Turtles continue to run roughshot over all of their assailants.
Sam Rockwell tries to rally the other kids to attack Casey,
but Splinter tells them that Shredder doesn't really care about them,
and Sam Rockwell says they're a family, but Casey scoffs,
it's like, if you're a family, why don't you all

(01:26:26):
band together and stop me? And he picks up Splinter
with Danny and they walk through and the kids let
them pass, while we see the foot Nines fleeing back
out onto the streets, going back through the Pennywise people
back up through the manhole, running from the turtles.

Speaker 1 (01:26:39):
The battle moves from the streets to the roof of
an apartment building, and the turtles are still more than
a match for all of their opponents, the dozens and
dozens of them. They knock them all out, and then
Shredder finally appears.

Speaker 2 (01:26:51):
Sometimes you're happy and sometimes it's said, but the world
goes round.

Speaker 1 (01:26:58):
We need you to write, Liza Menellius called Final Boss,
so that so that we can insert it into this
movie and make it, make this rift come to life.
Shredder tells them they fight well, but he's decided that
they've caused him enough trouble, and the turtles attack one
at a time, the way things happen in movies, and

(01:27:19):
I'm like.

Speaker 2 (01:27:20):
You guys, just all at once.

Speaker 1 (01:27:22):
Oh, you got your literal turtles. You could just turtle
and he can't hurt you when you're turtling, Like. They
don't do that even once in this movie, and that
really disappointed me.

Speaker 2 (01:27:30):
They turtle more in three hundred than they do.

Speaker 1 (01:27:32):
Yeah, they they do not turtle at all in this movie.
The turtles attack, like I said, one at a time,
and Shredder easily beats them up yep.

Speaker 2 (01:27:40):
On the streets April, Casey, Danny and the entire crew
of delinquents converge and we can hear the battle on
the roof. How did they get from where they were
to hear? Who knows?

Speaker 1 (01:27:50):
They took a car they called whatever the fuck that
like abandoned lot was that they were in.

Speaker 2 (01:27:55):
The turtles are confused. They can't seem to get past
this one enemy who's nice enough just stay and in
one spot while they huddle up. Let's then discuss.

Speaker 1 (01:28:05):
You guys, go ahead, have a minute.

Speaker 2 (01:28:08):
Have a minute. You need a minute. Leonardo says, this
guy knows where Splinter is, and the turtles finally realize, hey,
we're stronger together than we are one at a time,
and they all attack Shredder at once, but he's still
able to hold them off.

Speaker 1 (01:28:22):
Paul's doing karate chops in the gears. He's talking, I
need everyone to know that. As Casey beats on the
foot ninjas on the street level, the turtles regroup again.
Raphael demands Shredder to let me sorry, let me do
that again. Raphael, Hey, yo, Shreder, tell me where Splinter is.

(01:28:44):
That is accurate, you guys, you watch this movie if
you want to hear how fucking accurate that was. And
Shredder scoffs, Oh the rat so it has a name,
and then he pauses, it had a name.

Speaker 2 (01:28:59):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (01:29:00):
Leonardo's like you're lying, and Shredder's like, no, I'm not, no, I'm.

Speaker 2 (01:29:04):
Not yan Yeah, I killed the rag and.

Speaker 1 (01:29:07):
Then Leonardo charges and Shredder knocks him over, holding a
spear to his throat, and he tells the other turtles
to drop their weapons or he'll kill Leonardo, and then
they throw their weapons away, though one of Michaelangelo's nunchucks
is caught on the fire escape.

Speaker 2 (01:29:23):
Shredder laughs, he says, I gotcha. I thought I slipped
by my now, didn't ja. Now, He says the three
of them might have had a chance with their gear,
but without it, their fate will be the same as Leonardo's,
and he raises his spear to kill Leonardo and all
the turtles scream, but Shredder is distracted at a crucial
moment by the arrival a splinter on the rooftop.

Speaker 1 (01:29:47):
And if you thought watching four men in turtle suits
doing karate was goofy, if you were like, that's as
goofy as this movie is possibly going to get. Yeah,
you don't know movie you're watching.

Speaker 2 (01:30:01):
You don't.

Speaker 1 (01:30:01):
If you don't think this movie is going to serve
us an actor in a rat costume.

Speaker 2 (01:30:08):
I don't even think there's an actor in there. I
think it's just a puppet.

Speaker 1 (01:30:10):
I think it's just a puppet. If you think this
movie is not going to serve us a five foot
puppet of an ancient, vaguely Asian ye looking rat that
I'm not necessarily comfortable with that some of the features
they're putting on this rat doing karate with an actual
human being. And you don't know you you fucking can leave. Yeah,

(01:30:32):
you don't understand, you don't have turtle power. You're not
one of the world's most fearsome fighting teams. By the way,
if you thought I don't know all the lyrics to
that song, everyone everyone, Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:30:43):
I think Liznelli knows them.

Speaker 1 (01:30:45):
They're the world's most fansome fighting team.

Speaker 2 (01:30:49):
Wait, really hip.

Speaker 1 (01:30:52):
The heroes in a half shell and back, Hey, get
a grip. When the Evil Shredder attacks, these turtle boys,
don't cut no slack. I'll stop. I'll stop there, I'll
stop there. Paul is losing his mind when.

Speaker 2 (01:31:13):
The Evil Shredder attacks these turtle boys, don't cut no slack, turtles. Yeah,
that's even sometime, just rolled over in his grave. Splinter
tells Shredder, I know who you are. We met many
years ago at the home of Yoshi, and Shredder rips

(01:31:34):
off his mask to reveal his scarred face, realizing that
the rat is the same one who scarred him, only
mutated and humanoid now and can talk.

Speaker 1 (01:31:43):
Did you hate when that happens?

Speaker 2 (01:31:44):
I hate that.

Speaker 1 (01:31:45):
I hate when I run into a rat on the
street and it's humanoid in talks and I'm like, oh,
where have I menu before? Did I go to high
school with you?

Speaker 2 (01:31:53):
It's on the tip of my toe.

Speaker 1 (01:31:54):
Oh, and you're supposed to know the name, so you're like.

Speaker 2 (01:31:57):
Hey, man, you dude. Shredder charges Splinter with his spear,
but Splinter catches the spear in the chain of Michelangelo's
nunchuck that got caught on that ladder before he flips
Shredder over the side of the building, and he holds
him there just with the power of the nunchuck wrapped
around the spear. He says, death comes for us all,

(01:32:20):
but something much worse comes for you, for when you die,
it will be and Shredder whips a knife at Splinter,
which he catches, but he loses his grip on the
nunchuck and Shredder falls into a garbage crusher. I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 (01:32:34):
It's very dark, like a garbage compactor. Yeah, okay, garbage truck.

Speaker 2 (01:32:37):
Splinter finishes a sentence without honor, and then Casey Jones
goes du doupdu and pulls something that kind of looks
like a lamp, like something that's gonna turn on an
overhead light. Uh huh, and crushes Shredder's body.

Speaker 1 (01:32:54):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:32:55):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:32:55):
This is the only moment in the movie where I
was like, Okay, this is supposed to be Fortune Children.

Speaker 2 (01:33:00):
I was like, I mean, they look again much like
gold Finger. No no popping, no crunching, no blood spurts.
But I was I actually double checked. I was like,
did just his mask fall in and no, no, no,
it's his body.

Speaker 1 (01:33:12):
But we see the mask getting crushed slowly by trash compactor. Yeah,
uh yeah, no, And honestly, again, I wish I could
go back in time to watch this with my ten
year old self and be like, hey, how did that
affect you?

Speaker 2 (01:33:25):
Yeah? Are you did?

Speaker 1 (01:33:26):
He? Did you even clock the violence? I feel like
children don't clock violence ever, or like maybe kids like you,
but not kids like me. Yeah, and you were just
like eating eating pops on the couch, going.

Speaker 2 (01:33:36):
Yeah I did. Knowing your ten year old self, you'd
been like, stop being such a prude. This is fucking awesome.

Speaker 1 (01:33:42):
But yeah, like genuinely, I'm like, that's a lot of
violence for the kid movie right there. But anyway, other
than that, everything else about this movie suggests kids movie,
except that one.

Speaker 2 (01:33:50):
Moment, which they're trying to sell as a joke. And
I'm like, that is a human being and he might
not even be dead, Like.

Speaker 1 (01:33:57):
No, no, no, Paul, are you kidding me? He got
he was, he's got caught in a trash compactor.

Speaker 2 (01:34:03):
Well now he's dead. I just mean like before the
crushing starts.

Speaker 1 (01:34:06):
Oh but he fell onto the track. Yeah he could
have been. He could have survived that, you know.

Speaker 2 (01:34:10):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:34:11):
The Turtles reunite with Splinter and they share a group
hug as the police arrive and are.

Speaker 2 (01:34:16):
Like, it's something going on.

Speaker 1 (01:34:18):
So this is happening, you know how there's like a
special victims unit. Is there an anthropomorphic giant animal unit?
Is that a thing?

Speaker 2 (01:34:27):
Who goes to the police. Captain is like, you have
to go down to the sewers. There are somewhere between
three and four dozen fourteen year old ninjas down there
that we've knocked unconscious.

Speaker 1 (01:34:37):
That is special victims because they're underage. That's when they
send in Christopher Maloney and the whole, the whole world
explodes when Casey Jones and Elliott Stabler see each other
in real life.

Speaker 2 (01:34:48):
Oh my god, are we separated at birth?

Speaker 1 (01:34:50):
Kiss? Kiss?

Speaker 2 (01:34:51):
Kiss? Oh that's me.

Speaker 1 (01:34:52):
That's just never mind, never mind, Oh my god, though, seriously,
I want to watch.

Speaker 2 (01:34:56):
Those two kisses. Okay, fair enough. Ha.

Speaker 1 (01:35:00):
Nanny gives April back the twenty dollars he stole from
her at the beginning of the movie, and she's like,
what was this for? And he's like, trust me, I
owe it to you. And then he runs to his father,
who is thrilled to see him alive and well.

Speaker 2 (01:35:10):
Because he's not a bad dad, it's a really good dad.

Speaker 1 (01:35:13):
He's like I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 (01:35:14):
Dad.

Speaker 1 (01:35:14):
He's like, that's okay, son, and then he tussles his
hair and he's like, so you were in a crime
syndicate hunt?

Speaker 2 (01:35:20):
Are you a ninja?

Speaker 1 (01:35:21):
So that's a lot. That's a lot to talk about.
How much stuff did you steal? Like is it grand larceny?

Speaker 2 (01:35:28):
I don't know if you've heard this, but there's a
thing that kids can do where they can liberate themselves
from their parents. And you may not know this, but
parents can actually do it too. Yeah, can we emancipate
me from you? Because you suck?

Speaker 1 (01:35:38):
I feel like the legal bills are gonna start piling
up here. So Charles also rushes over to April and
he's like, I'm so sorry. He begs her forgiveness. Please,
I'm sorry I fired you. Now she gets the full picture, right,
Danny was involved and I was trying to protect my son.
And he's like, would you please cover this current mess
that we're all dealing with right now? And she bargains
for a corner office in a raise and he's like
deal and deal. The police chief demands to know what's

(01:36:02):
going on here, and then Sam Fucking Rockwell Academy Award there,
Sam Rockwell sends him to the warehouse where the foot
headquarters was located. Yeah, he's like, you'll find all your
answers there and all the stolen goods there. Meanwhile, like
all the boys, like they're like the Homer Simpson going
into the hedge. Me, Casey and April start to make

(01:36:25):
out just in case. Everyone was like concerned that she
actually would end up with one of the turtles. Nope,
She's gonna end up with this dude. It's a lateral move,
if I'm being honest. He's he's technically not a child,
but his whole persona suggests that this is gonna be
a lot of work.

Speaker 2 (01:36:39):
He is hot, and the dance spell does imply to
these packing heats.

Speaker 1 (01:36:43):
That's true. He is very physically attractive, but that is
a fixer upper.

Speaker 2 (01:36:46):
Yeah. Yeah, I like hair too, don't It's like long
hair on men, but I like it on him. I
know it works on him.

Speaker 1 (01:36:51):
I really want him to kiss Christopher Molone fair.

Speaker 2 (01:36:55):
We cut to the roof. The Turtles are thrilled with
their victory. We were awesome. Leonardo says, bodacious, Michelangelo says legit,
Raphael crows, and Donatello can't come up with one, and
his brothers keep offering more suggestions until Splinter clears his
throat and the turtles look at him and he says,
I have always liked Cowabunga, and the turtles shout their

(01:37:19):
catchphrase and celebrate. End of movie.

Speaker 1 (01:37:22):
Did you not have fun?

Speaker 2 (01:37:23):
I've entertained this is teenage mutant Ninja Turtles the Origin
of Cowabunga. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I look, it is a
kid's movie. It's not a bad kids movie at all.
It's not. It's actually pretty tight.

Speaker 1 (01:37:34):
And good messaging.

Speaker 2 (01:37:35):
Yeah, pretty much.

Speaker 1 (01:37:35):
There's a bit of violence, but.

Speaker 2 (01:37:37):
Yeah, yeah, but this is all stuff's talk about. After
the commercial break. Fair enough, we've we've jumped. We've jumped
a commercial break. That's the end of the movie. Listen
to some more commercials. We'll be right back with our
random observations and final ranking.

Speaker 1 (01:37:48):
Such a Leonardo.

Speaker 2 (01:37:59):
And we're Erica. Do you have any other turtle droppings
that you want to pick up and disposed of properly?

Speaker 1 (01:38:06):
Do you mean pizza toppings?

Speaker 2 (01:38:08):
Paul?

Speaker 1 (01:38:08):
Do you have any other pizza toppings? Just so I
have a few. One of them is that when Casey
first sees Raphael he's like, are you some kind of punker?
Because when he like fully sees him as like the turtle,
like when did punk rock people look like that?

Speaker 2 (01:38:25):
Right? What? What?

Speaker 1 (01:38:26):
What do you think he's referencing there, sir?

Speaker 2 (01:38:30):
I think they are referencing the thing in Fantastic four
comments because they in comics, they always have the thing
going in that exact outfit. He always has a trench
coat and like and a hat on, and then acts
as if like people wouldn't notice him because like an
enormous humanoid thing walking down the street because he has
a french coat.

Speaker 1 (01:38:46):
On, because he's like, I'm going to the movies, and
then later he actually does go to the movies, which
which applies that he like bought a ticket and was like, one,
please for whatever movie this is, and.

Speaker 2 (01:38:55):
Like any any theater usher who sees that is like, no, sir,
you're absolutely going to be masturbating in this film, and
there's no place for your masturbation in this showing of
Out of Africa.

Speaker 1 (01:39:06):
Absolutely may not, sir, do not take your weird mushroom
dick out during this showing of terms of.

Speaker 2 (01:39:14):
Please. Uh. They say in the movie that the Turtle's
first word is pizza.

Speaker 1 (01:39:20):
M that's a very it's advanced.

Speaker 2 (01:39:22):
It's advanced, And like, what what was Shredder feeding them?
Was he just feeding them like sewer pizza.

Speaker 1 (01:39:29):
There's probably a lot of pizza down in the sewers.

Speaker 2 (01:39:31):
There is.

Speaker 1 (01:39:31):
There is a reason New York City rats are as
big as as they are.

Speaker 2 (01:39:34):
As robust, as robust of population. It's just it's whatever.
It's a kid's movie. It's a joke. Obviously, I'm just
being silly here. But like when they said that, I
was like, their first word is pizza.

Speaker 1 (01:39:46):
How that's That's like, that's gonna stick in my craws.

Speaker 2 (01:39:53):
That's it's going to make me mark this movie way
down in my review.

Speaker 1 (01:39:57):
That's the line of logic I will not follow. I
actually remember, now that you say that out loud, that
when the pizza rat thing became a meme that like people,
a lot of people were like, he's taken them, He's
taken it down to the turtles. One line that as
an adult I did laugh at, but as a kid,

(01:40:19):
I clearly would not have understood. When they get to
April's farmhouse out in the country, Casey goes, didn't they
use this place in the grapes of wrath. Oh yeah,
in case you're wondering how beat up that farmhouse looks.

Speaker 2 (01:40:28):
Does not look good. Doesn't look good. I was very
surprised they had running water. Frankly, yeah, I have just
one more. It's a very small little thing. They're at
the farmhouse. They've been there for a while. The turtles
are off like communing with Splinter or whatever, and Casey
and April or in the kitchen. She's kind of like
rubbing her shoulders. He's like, here, let me do that
for you, and she's like no, and he kind of

(01:40:50):
like it's clear the movie does not intend this to
be read as weird at all.

Speaker 1 (01:40:55):
Yeah, but this because he was nineteen ninety but current
day I had the exact same thought.

Speaker 2 (01:40:59):
He like kind of like maneuver. He has his hands
on her shoulder. He like maneuvers her over to the
chair and like pushes her down into the chair and
then like starts massaging her. And then she's like, oh,
it actually feels really good. I don't think this is
how this would go today.

Speaker 1 (01:41:13):
She did not consent to that massage.

Speaker 2 (01:41:15):
No, not at all.

Speaker 1 (01:41:16):
He's like, hair, let me help you, and she's like, no,
I guess the idea is like she's like too tough
to ask for help or whatever, and he's like, no,
let me help you. But again, don't just massage people
without them without them wanting it.

Speaker 2 (01:41:27):
That's weird.

Speaker 1 (01:41:28):
Come on now, Yeah, I only have one more and
it's such a weird line. But I think I've heard
this before when when they've run into Danny and the
Sewers and he's like, I ran away from home. April goes,
oh god, your father's going to have kittens?

Speaker 2 (01:41:42):
What?

Speaker 1 (01:41:43):
What? Wol I would I should just google it rather
than googling turtle penis, But I would love to know
the origins of that phrase. What the fuck? Who who's
the first person to say that?

Speaker 2 (01:41:53):
And why your mother's gonna have kittens? Yeah? What? Okay?
All right then, well that's that's gonna be weird. I
don't love it, Paul.

Speaker 1 (01:42:03):
How do we rank this film? Teenage Mutant Ninja.

Speaker 2 (01:42:07):
Turtles one to ten? Ginger duds worse than milk duds,
which aren't great.

Speaker 1 (01:42:13):
You know now that I have like too much dental
work done because I'm an old lady, I can't have
milk duds anymore. But I remember them.

Speaker 2 (01:42:20):
I really I remember really liking not a fan of
the milk dud.

Speaker 1 (01:42:24):
Love a milk dud, but yeah, but better than the
ginger dud. Bad for the old dentures.

Speaker 2 (01:42:27):
Now fair enough, fair enough?

Speaker 1 (01:42:29):
How about one to ten upsetting turtle dongs.

Speaker 2 (01:42:33):
Look, you did that to us, that was your fault, you.

Speaker 1 (01:42:38):
Know, I just I'm not I'm not happy until I've
described every single animal's penis on Earth in this podcast.

Speaker 2 (01:42:44):
Okay, that's the goal. Everything the goal.

Speaker 1 (01:42:47):
It's like Wild Planet. But but for dogs.

Speaker 2 (01:42:50):
Well, we know what. Some of the content on our
animated Robin Hood episode is going to be one to
ten vintage Brooklyn accents.

Speaker 1 (01:42:58):
So authentic, authentic Brooklyn accents. Hey, let's go down to
the disco tech and yeah, I'm in Saturday Night Fever. Yeah,
how about one to ten canisters of green news. You
know what that green news came from that converted the turtles.

(01:43:19):
It was the resin from all the weed that's been
smoked in Washington Square Park over the.

Speaker 2 (01:43:24):
Years, all gathered up and put into the canister.

Speaker 1 (01:43:27):
Yeah, I just went into the sewers.

Speaker 2 (01:43:29):
It was whatever is whatever is wrung out of an
alphabet costume. After a two day show, into the canister.
It was. It was a bottle of Iggy Pop's piss.
Oh yeah it was. It was a line piagua that
got tipped over into the into the sewers system, Very New.

Speaker 1 (01:43:46):
York, Verry, New York. It was the runoff of a
of a Charlie XCX brat T shirt factory.

Speaker 2 (01:43:53):
It was Mountain dew vomit from a group of finance
Brozen Murray Hill.

Speaker 1 (01:43:57):
Yeah, I love the city.

Speaker 2 (01:44:00):
I love you New York. One to ten Shredder cabaret acts.

Speaker 1 (01:44:05):
I think it's gotta be there.

Speaker 2 (01:44:06):
I think so. Yeah. Yeah, it gave us the most,
the most joy, even if it didn't give the listeners
the most.

Speaker 1 (01:44:10):
I want everyone to know that in this episode, in
this episode, only one to ten does not refer to points.
It's not a point system. It is a pizzas. Okay,
one to ten pizza slices of Shredder cabarets. Okay, get
your shit together, everybody.

Speaker 2 (01:44:23):
Okay, got it? Got it? Do you want to go
first or shall I go first?

Speaker 1 (01:44:26):
I'm gonna like you go first because I'm I have
to confront a few things here.

Speaker 2 (01:44:31):
Okay, you go first. I have to gather my thoughts Okay,
so kids movie. We didn't talk about this in the
book of the episode. Obviously, there's a lot of cultural
appropriation involved in all of this. This entire storyline is
a lot of cultural appropriation. The only Asian people that
actually definitely appear in the film are Tatsu and Shredder.

(01:44:53):
They are the two villains, and the woman who plays
Shin and the people is Shin Yoshi, and the flashbacks
are also.

Speaker 1 (01:44:59):
Of Asian descent speak and they die immediately, like it's
not good.

Speaker 2 (01:45:02):
Yeah, there's one woman in the film. She's a cool lady.
She has she has spunk, she has a job, and
she cares about her job. She has a romantic interest.
But that takes up truly, very very little of the film. Yeah,
and it's not the focus, and it is not her
focus the whole time. It's not like as soon as

(01:45:23):
Casey arrives, April's like take this mic, drop my pants, woo,
you know, Like she's still herself.

Speaker 1 (01:45:29):
So that's something it is, But like I feel like,
how easy would it have been to make her boss?
Because they get it, like they're hamstrung by the cartoon, right,
they have to follow kind of the comic books and
the cartoons with the main characters. You can't, like, have
two of the turtles be girls. Yeah, you could, but
it would be weird because there's a backstory there. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:45:48):
Make Danny and his father a mother and daughter rather
than a father and son. Yeah, easy, you can. You
can really diversify that way. There's no gay content, although
correct me if I'm wrong. At least three quarters of
these namesakes suck a little dick in their lives.

Speaker 1 (01:46:04):
Right you mean the actual artist, yeah, Michelangelo, Big Old Queen.

Speaker 2 (01:46:07):
Yeah, Leonardo loved the men.

Speaker 1 (01:46:10):
Yeah, yep, yeah, Leonardo, yeah as well.

Speaker 2 (01:46:12):
And I'm pretty sure Donatello also they ha did parent
pads in the closet, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 (01:46:18):
Really, I don't know anything about the other two. Leonardo
and Michelangelo are definitely confirmed.

Speaker 2 (01:46:24):
They confirmed backdoor broncos. The other two may have been
state geor Sally's again non gender terms.

Speaker 1 (01:46:31):
We don't know. We simply don't.

Speaker 2 (01:46:32):
Simply don't know. We simply don't know. I think Donna.
I'm pretty sure Donatello has been outed in the in
the sixth century since he passed. It's confirmed, I think so.
I could be wrong, but that's as close to queer
content as we get and they don't engage with it.

Speaker 1 (01:46:48):
And there's that one weird no homo joke.

Speaker 2 (01:46:50):
Yes yes, like Donna Tello doesn't work the pole enough
to make up for that. So it's not great. I
would say the biggest sin of it is the is
the coultural appropriation, and then like the the fact that
the olderly Asian people in the movie are these enormous
stereotypes who are also villains, one of whom dies and
gets crushed by a garbage garbage compactor at the end.

(01:47:15):
I think the film is fun overall, and I think
it's it's pretty easy if you want your kids to
see it to talk about these things. I think a
lot of these movies that we talk about when parents
want to show them to their kids, you just have
to be prepared for the conversations that might come up
with a woke kid in today's in today's world, they
might pretty quickly clock some of these things. So racial

(01:47:37):
representation not great, lady representation not great, Queer representation essentially
not there, except for one weird joke that that's so
weird it's almost it's not offensive, like it really defend me.
It made me go, what, so maybe like a four?
A four out of ten pizza slices that you ate

(01:47:58):
at the Shredder cabaret act at the local dinner theater.

Speaker 1 (01:48:01):
Yes, oh my god, the dinner theater part of it
actually really makes it sing.

Speaker 2 (01:48:05):
It really yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll give it a four.
What do you think? You know?

Speaker 1 (01:48:09):
While you're talking, I was googling to be like, you know,
I bet one of the newer films, of course corrects,
because how easy would it be to make April O'Neill.
I know her name is April O'Neill, but how easy
would it be to just make her Asian? And then
you have better Asian representation in the film, right, Like,
here's an Asian character who is not a stereotype, and
like I would almost get behind the cultural appropriation when

(01:48:33):
it's like anthropomorphized animals, because okay, great, like fine, Megan
Fox played her in the twenty fourteen movie, and I'm like,
and I can't seem to find a version where April
is anything other than a white lady.

Speaker 2 (01:48:46):
I believe in the animated one with Seth Rogen Iowa
debats plays April. Okay, so still not Asian, but diversified.
But is she black in the I believe.

Speaker 1 (01:48:57):
So okay, Okay, So it's not like it's like April
O'Neil is is animated as a white woman, but Iodeborie
is just doing the.

Speaker 2 (01:49:03):
Lord I hope not. That's like, that's like almost solving
a problem, creating a whole new one for no good reason.

Speaker 1 (01:49:09):
Now I'm looking, Yeah, Jackie Chan, her voice is splinter
in the new one, and uh, that's about it.

Speaker 2 (01:49:18):
I'm looking.

Speaker 1 (01:49:19):
I'm looking at the rest of the cast, and it's
we're sitting on the ground here with with with Asian
good Asian representation.

Speaker 2 (01:49:25):
She is okay. She is a plus sized teenage black
girl who wears glasses and is the love interest of Leonardo.
But she is a teenager, so.

Speaker 1 (01:49:35):
One problem solved.

Speaker 2 (01:49:36):
Yeah, she's more of like a I think, like a
like an aspiring intrepid reporter in that one as opposed
to an actual intrepid reporter.

Speaker 1 (01:49:43):
So great, Okay, one problem at least kind of solved. Yeah,
and again, fucking Jackie Chan is splinter excellent, perfect. They
could fix this a little bit better, and like it's
you're never gonna get around the cultural appropriation of it.
Because it's based on something that was written in the
eighties where they weren't thinking about that stuff. And also
it's a comic book. Yeah, there are no performers behind it,

(01:50:06):
so like you know, Splinter legitimately is like it's from Japan. Yeah, yeah,
it's a little it's a little weird today.

Speaker 2 (01:50:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:50:15):
I actually it's funny because you were talking about like
a woke kid asking questions, and I wonder how kids
even think about this stuff, or if they do. I
don't think they do, especially at the age where they
would they would encounter this, Like we're talking young. This
is not even really for teenagers. This is for like
ten year olds, ten year olds, preteens, Yeah, like that age.

Speaker 2 (01:50:33):
I think once they hit ten they start asking questions.
Maybe before that they want to catch on to this,
but I think ten they would. And also kids are
so much more advanced now. I don't know that they
would even really want to watch this movie because it's.

Speaker 1 (01:50:45):
Because they're dumb and wrong.

Speaker 2 (01:50:49):
It is. It's look. I do think that the fight
choreography and everything does as good a job as they
could in nineteen ninety And like the Puppets, like we've
always talked about like liking puppets and movies rather than
like the CGI, Like there's something there for April to
talk to that. Judith Hoague is not talking to a
tennis ball. She's talking to a man in a really
weird costume. So like there is something tactile and cool

(01:51:10):
about that. So maybe they maybe that would be kind
of like an interesting thing for them to see. I
don't know.

Speaker 1 (01:51:15):
Yeah, yeah, it's it's confusing. I I'm having trouble figuring
out how to rate this thing because it's so it's
so weird. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna I'll I'm with you.
I'll give it a I'll give it no, you know
I needed a three because fuck you for not having
more women in this Yeah, like that's an easy problem
to solve. Just more girl criminals in that gang. Yeah,

(01:51:36):
and like it's Sam Rockwell and a and a young
Sandra Bullock for God's sake. Come on now, I'll canna
give it three out of ten. Shredder Cabarets, all right,
Leonardo Leeds Donatello does masches. It's sharing. Oh my god,
she's sharing.

Speaker 2 (01:51:53):
Sharing, She's sharing, that's a fact.

Speaker 1 (01:51:55):
Jack Rafael is cool, but rude. Give me a break
Michael on Jelo. He's a party dude. I don't know
who that was at the end.

Speaker 2 (01:52:03):
That you were you were leaning Rocker, you were headed
towards Pat Benatar.

Speaker 1 (01:52:07):
I was heading Pat Benatar. Yeah, okay, I started sharing.
I was benataring at the end.

Speaker 2 (01:52:14):
All right, do you want to offer a palate cleanser?

Speaker 1 (01:52:16):
I'm really I was struggling with this one because, like,
I don't know that many kids products out there that
like I would recommend because if I always find fault
with them. But the only movie that we've covered that
I reminded me of this one a little bit, which
is another thing that I watched a lot when I
was a kid a little older though, was Big Trouble
in Little China.

Speaker 2 (01:52:36):
Oh Yeah, we love that, which does.

Speaker 1 (01:52:38):
Like kind of solve it does a lot of like
the work to solve the problem of appropriation. So like
it's not appropriation necessarily, like it's there, there are there
are Asian actors, there's you know, there's they they they
were thoughtful about it, Yeah, while they were making the film,
And I think and like the the to the Kurt
Russell character is like lampooning Americans, yes way, which is

(01:53:00):
so good. How about you. Do you have any palate cleansers.

Speaker 2 (01:53:03):
Well, I was going to offer the animated one that
we've already talked about, the one that Seth Rogan produced
with Iodebris, which is it's a good animated version. The
turtles are young in it like they and they also
are differentiated. They don't all look the same, so which
is kind of interesting. They diversified the turtles a little bit.
That was good. I also if James Sito, who got
so little to do as Shredder in this movie, if

(01:53:23):
if Shredder had been the Shredder of our dreams, James
Cito would have had so much more to do. But
he was also always be my maybe, which was that
really cute Netflix movie from a few years ago at
Randall Park and Ali Wongs there's that too, all right, Erica.
That is the end of our show. Everyone listening can
follow us on social media. We are on Blue Sky,
we are on Threads, and we are on Instagram. Instagram

(01:53:45):
is the one the only platform that we accept requests
specifically on monthly themes. We will post what the theme is,
we will take requests on that theme, so that's where
you can find that We have a tea public shop
where you can pick up podcast swag, and we would
love it if you would leave a five star review
on Apple, podcas or on any podcasting platform that you use.
If you do that, just like Cat Sizzle and Lisa

(01:54:05):
f one one six three from the top of this episode,
let us know you did it. We'll send you that
Hbell tope bag. And if you don't know how to
do that, you can just go to the show notes
of this year episode. I put a link to rate
this podcast dot com slash do Agebell there for you
to click on and follow the instructions.

Speaker 1 (01:54:21):
That aged Well is produced and edited by Paul Kaola.

Speaker 2 (01:54:25):
How Long Could You Go? We would like.

Speaker 1 (01:54:27):
To thank Melissa, Mikey, Sarah, Elsie, Another Sarah, jan Marcus, Megan, Emily.

Speaker 2 (01:54:34):
And also Sophie that you missed it.

Speaker 1 (01:54:35):
Ah and did I miss Sophie? Sorry, soph I can
call you soph right, I bet I can?

Speaker 2 (01:54:42):
Well? What a shredder started doing, Sophie Tucker jokes, so
I says.

Speaker 1 (01:54:48):
To my girlfriend I said. We would also like to
thank Ben Sojo, Amilia, Marissa, and other people whose names
do not appear in their social media profiles. Presumably because
they are anthropomorphic animals living in the sewers underneath us. Yeah,
thank you all for reaching out and letting us know
what you want to hear. If you want to have
a say in the topics we discuss, you can join

(01:55:09):
our Patreon. Every patron gets to vote in an exclusive
monthly poll to determine one of those subjects. So oh,
this this month is gonna be good. Head on over
to patreon dot com slash that Aged Well podcast to
find out more.

Speaker 2 (01:55:23):
Speaking of which, some tears on our Patreon come with
a thanks from a podcast character, or in this case,
this person not wanted thanks. They want an opinion. They
wanted an op ed. They wanted an oral. Op ed
from the Grand Duchess of the American Theater Cinema Experience, Ms.
Katherine Hepburn.

Speaker 1 (01:55:44):
I'll give you something oral, all right. So you want
my thoughts on the current state of affairs, Well, let
me tell you what I think. First of all, I
did not vote for this president. I voted for Roosevelt.
Then her damn husband became president instead, and he was fine.

(01:56:06):
But then this old orange bloaty face has taken a
real Cleveland steamer to this country.

Speaker 2 (01:56:14):
What is a Cleveland steamer?

Speaker 1 (01:56:15):
You ask, Well, I'll tell you what the Urban Dictionary
definition is. A Cleveland steamer is when somebody shits on
your chest and then sits in it and rubs it
all over your chest and stomach area. Doesn't that sound
just like what's happening right now? And don't get me

(01:56:36):
started on that VD pronce. I can't even hope for
Captain Taroff to choke on a McRib because that couch
fucker would just be waiting in the wings to stink
up the room like an upper decker. What is an
upper decker, you ask, Well, it is when you take
a dump in the tank of a toilet instead of
the bowl. Why why would you do that? Well, let

(01:56:58):
me tell you. It sticks up the entire person's house
and fucks up their pipes forever. It's a hilarious prank.
They come home one day and wonder, why does my
entire house smell a Ginger Roger's dressing room. I'll tell
you a true story. Spencer and I once did an
upper decker in Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks bathroom at

(01:57:21):
their annual Easter brunch in Helen Hayes laughed so hard
and Brosia salad flew out of her nose. So that's
how I feel about all. You know this, But you
know what, We've been in tough spots before and we've
got out of them using a little grit ingenuity in

(01:57:41):
a whole lot of tequila, and we will again. So
it's like, I tell Spencer, hang in there, old chum,
and keep your balls off the floor. They're dragging in
the cat's water dish again.

Speaker 2 (01:57:56):
She you know what, I feel inspired. I want to
stand up and seeing the national anthem.

Speaker 1 (01:58:01):
I honestly that should be our national anthwer.

Speaker 2 (01:58:03):
Yeah, that whole speech, the whole speech, because that that really,
you know, it made me laugh about it all.

Speaker 1 (01:58:08):
And she's right, we will get out of this with
a little grit, little determination. We gotta channel our inn
have peppins and our inner tracys.

Speaker 2 (01:58:16):
Absolutely, and a lot of tequila and a lot.

Speaker 1 (01:58:18):
Of fucking tequila. We will get through this.

Speaker 2 (01:58:21):
True story my actual therapist on the first holiday season
after my father passed away, and I was like, I
know how I'm going to get through this and he
was like drink and I was like really, and he's like,
you don't have a problem. You are allowed to drink.

Speaker 1 (01:58:34):
I kind of start seeing your therapist.

Speaker 2 (01:58:35):
I was like, thanks, and it helped.

Speaker 1 (01:58:38):
Thanks doctor Enabler. Yeah, yeah, no, that's actually really good.
I love that he did that. Yeah, good for him,
all right, Paul, Any final thoughts on teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Speaker 2 (01:58:48):
I don't think we can let everyone go without saying, clang,
klang klang. What the trolley ding ding ding went? The
bell zing zing zing went my heartstrings.

Speaker 1 (01:58:58):
Hi, Spredder, this is Tatsuo again. I'm just wondering, can
we break for lunch? This has been going on for
quite a while now.

Speaker 2 (01:59:05):
If you're talking, you're not spotlighting. Tatsu Donatello was the
first artist in history to express a gay or queer identity,
according to The Guardian, I think that's that's enough. And
then it was the other one rough by yea, yeah,

(01:59:25):
I mean it was like fourteen to fourteen hundred, So
I think I think he was bisexual. I think they're
all queer. Fuck yeah, hang on, hang on, make sure
there's probably more on him in Wikipedia than there is.

Speaker 1 (01:59:38):
There's like evidence about the other two.

Speaker 2 (01:59:40):
Well, the other two are like famous, that's like famously. Yeah,
he was engaged no, just I don't care about his paintings.
Tell me if he sucked dick

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) - Ooze Origins, Shredder Cabarets & a Ginger Dud

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) - Ooze Origins, Shredder Cabarets & a Ginger Dud