July 19, 2025 • 27 mins
Have you ever caught yourself becoming a different person depending on who you're around? That's the heart of what I'm exploring in this raw, unfiltered conversation about identity, purpose, and the exhausting work of being everyone except yourself.
After nearly 15 years serving in the military, the end of my marriage, and a dramatic shift in my financial situation, I found myself stripped of all the external factors that had defined me. Without these anchors, I was forced to confront an unsettling question: Who am I when I'm not performing for others? This episode takes you through my personal journey of code-switching and shape-shifting – how I became an expert at reading rooms and becoming whoever I needed to be in any given environment. While this chameleon-like ability helped me achieve certain goals, it ultimately led me down paths that weren't meant for me.
The consequences became physical. Anxiety attacks in situations where I once felt comfortable. A profound sense of purposelessness when clear objectives disappeared. The painful realization that I had invested my identity in everyone except myself. I'm learning that being what I call "culturally inappropriate" – authentically myself regardless of expectations – is both terrifying and necessary. This isn't about selfishness; it's about alignment with your authentic self and divine purpose. When we stop walking paths laid out by parents, spouses, friends or society and courageously forge our own, something remarkable happens: we find our true selves.
Whether you're questioning your own identity or feeling trapped by others' expectations, this episode offers a companion in that struggle. Join me in embracing the messy, beautiful work of becoming who we're truly meant to be. Have you been walking someone else's path instead of your own?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hey man, I'm doing a little something.
It's not new, it's justdifferent.
It's just me recording bymyself Shopping sprees, and so
ho, it had to do.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
So see it, what up man.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Just tripping and whatever, you know, man, I'm
here, I'm back, it's me, it's ACLee, and I just kind of want to
talk by myself, and what Ithink is the theme of this show
is just going to be.
This is culturallyinappropriate, you know because
(00:44):
I think this show is going to beculturally inappropriate.
But the reason that this showis going to be culturally
inappropriate is because Imyself am.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
This is culturally inappropriate.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
I'm culturally inappropriate.
I can't help myself.
I can't help myself.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
This is culturally inappropriate.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
I can't, and that's the problem.
That's why we're here, that'swhy you actually have me doing a
pod by myself, right, because Idon't have a wife in bed right
now as it is.
What is it?
I don't have a wife in bedright now as it is.
(01:42):
What is it?
3.23 am on a Saturday morning?
No, I'm single, you know,separated, but I never went into
depth of what's going on and,to be perfectly honest, I'm not
going to go into depth withwhat's going on.
It's going to let you know that, hey, my marriage didn't work
out for a lot of reasons, andsome of those reasons I will
talk about.
You know, jokes here and there,but also, in more long form,
(02:07):
conversations, and then I'llalso inject some of those
experiences in the conversationsthat I have here on the show.
Why?
Because I think it's importantto share knowledge.
If y'all know anything about me, you know that I am not a
hoarder of knowledge.
I don't support hoard knowledgeand I don't support hoarders of
knowledge.
If you know something, sharesomething, because if you know
(02:30):
it, you can help someone elseout, and a lot of times you have
these prideful people who existin this world.
You know, maybe I can relate,maybe not who knows who don't
necessarily ask for help, notwho knows who don't necessarily
ask for help but are open toreceiving it, and I think that,
for one, that person should askfor help if they need it
(02:52):
Absolutely.
But at the same time, I thinkpeople who have information,
have knowledge, can share thatknowledge and put it out there
for others so that they canlearn from that knowledge and
gain wisdom beyond their years.
So that's why, for the mostpart, I'm an open book.
(03:13):
Yeah, but being an open book ishard and like preparing this
show, I'll tell you what dogit's a freestyle.
I have no notes.
I have a bunch of topics likein my hey, let's do a solo show
topic list, a whole lot ofpolitical stuff that I want to
get into.
But that's not today's show,because this is the warm up.
(03:35):
This is the first date.
You know I'm trying to impressyou.
I'm trying to reel you in, andsome of you I'm trying to
impress you.
I'm trying to reel you in andsome of you I'm trying to reel
you back in because for those ofyou who actually listen to the
show, have listened to thedifferent iterations of the show
, you understand that I lost acertain level of vulnerability
(03:58):
on the show.
I was on here lying and I was onhere telling y'all I was lying
and making it very clear thatI'm not going to tell the truth
about me and myself on this show.
I'm not going to call it amisstep because the show wasn't
the most important thing in mylife at the time, but I will say
that creatively it was amisstep Again.
(04:22):
Creatively, I don't regret anydecisions that I made.
But now, fuck that shit man.
I was just on here talking,doing a podcast, because I love
to do the podcast and doing mybest to to provide like a
dramatized show.
But that's not me.
I'm not stephen a smith, I'mnot skip bayless, I'm not
shannon sharp.
(04:43):
I'm not named that person onany mainstream type of show.
That's not me.
I can't just come on here andtalk about stuff and not just
inject myself into it.
You know what I mean.
I can't come on the show andnot be vulnerable and actually
be the show.
And what I learned through thatprocess was yeah, some people
(05:03):
come here for the show.
And what I learned through thatprocess was yeah, some people
come here for the show, somepeople come here for the
entertainment, but a lot ofpeople were here for me to be
authentically me and they werehere for me to have the
different guests that I had, tohave the different types of
shows that I did and ran for usto be our authentic selves on
(05:26):
the show and what I saw becauseyou know I track my numbers.
It's not the most importantthing to me, but it's something
that I'm well aware of.
I go oh man, don't nobody wantto just come hear me talk.
It hurts your feelings just atad.
No, really, because I get it.
(05:48):
I didn't build this platformfor y'all to just come here and
hear me talk about things.
I tried that when I was asports guy and I was doing all
this analysis and breaking downgames and and taking notes and
this, and that it's like, bro,don't nobody want to hear that.
I mean, they want to hear youtalk about sports sometimes, but
(06:10):
they want to hear you be youand what I know is I wasn't on
here being me, I wasn't on herebeing vulnerable and the wild
thing was like man.
I read this book back in seventhgrade about Thurgood Marshall
(06:31):
and it talked about what madehim successful, you know, as a
lawyer, then eventually as ajudge and how he made his way to
the Supreme Court, and it wasbuilt around his ability to be
able to code, switch and shapeshift and I was taught to do
that.
I don't even know if it wasbuilt around his ability to be
able to code, switch and shapeshift and I was taught to do
that.
I don't even know if it waslike a direct.
It wasn't like hey, act likethis around these people Act
(06:52):
like no, you just kind of pickup things and then like me, like
I wouldn't call myself anempath, but like I read, I can
read a room I ain't going to beon some.
Oh, I can read energy, I canread.
I can read a room I ain't gonnabe on some.
Oh, I can read energy.
I can feel.
No, no, nigga, I, I'm a humanbeing, I'm an adult and I can
read.
I can just read a room.
You know what I mean.
I haven't been rejected manytimes and been surprised by it.
(07:16):
You know there was that onetime, but we won't talk about
that, you know.
So I'm saying all of that tosay I've done a lot of shape
shifts and I've done a lot ofcode switching in my life and it
found me questioning who I amand throughout different phases
(07:39):
of life, I didn't worry about itbecause I was achieving my
goals.
Now I may not have beenachieving like I may not have
been achieving likeprofessionally, I may not have
been doing some of the bestthings, I didn't have some of
the best reviews from my bosses,but I didn't care about that
because that's not what I wassetting out to do, you know.
But then you do that.
(08:01):
You go through that process andthen you know I walk away from
the military.
I haven't really talked aboutthat one.
Then you know I walk away fromthe military.
I haven't really talked aboutthat one either.
You know I've made a decisionfor me and family and dog.
I was ready to get out tomilitary before I was ready to
go in, you know, and I still dida 10 year career on top of four
(08:23):
years in college and ROTC.
So I gave the DOD 14 and a halfyears of my life, almost 15,
you know I'm okay with that, I'mmore than okay with that.
You know what I mean.
But through that, you know Iwon't say I lost myself, but I
(08:44):
found myself conforming to eachenvironment that I was in and
not just at work.
You get married, you startbringing it home, you start
conforming to the environmentand then you know marriage isn't
happening.
And then, like, you starttrying to put yourself back out
there and you find yourselfconforming to each different
(09:04):
girl that you're talking to andthen you realize you go hold on,
man, I'm not being me.
Now I look at how I may haveConformed to different People
Earlier in my life.
In those situations, thoserelationships, those
(09:24):
opportunities didn't work out.
I know professionally thepeople who worked for me, who
saw the real me, not the not thecode switching me.
Those people trusted me,respected me and I have great
relationships with a lot ofpeople who once called me their
boss, who once called me theirboss.
But I don't have the samerelationships with those people
(09:48):
who I called boss, and a lot ofthat was my inability to be
transparent with those people,to be myself to me code
switching too much.
And then I found myself youknow, again you do it in dating.
(10:10):
Then I found myself doing it inmy marriage.
Well, my marriage failed.
My Marine Corps career Is over,proud of it, proud of the work
that I did, but not proud of myrelationships.
Moving up, I get my first jobafter the Marine Corps and could
(10:36):
I do it?
Yeah, did I like it, man?
Did I like what I got paid?
Fuck, no.
And then you find yourselfbuilding great relationships
with the crews and stuff,because I was doing construction
project management.
You find yourself buildingthose relationships with the
crews.
You know you're forming yoursuperintendents, even some of
(10:56):
your peers, but you're notbuilding that same rapport
upstream.
So then you have to sit aroundand then other things have
happened in life that haven'tbeen the best and you find
yourself alone, like alone.
You can't do the things youonce did.
(11:21):
You can't hide behind the funsocial life.
You can't hide behind thedrunken nights.
You can't hide behind thepretty women.
You're no longer living in acity where you can just walk
outside and have fun.
You're no longer living in acity where you can just hop in
an Uber and have fun.
You're no longer living in aplace where, when you walk in
(11:42):
the building, oh, you knowyou're minus odds.
You know what I mean.
You're no longer in a place towhere you know exactly where to
go on every single night to seesomething that you're looking
for, and so then, when yourmoney ain't what it used to be.
(12:03):
You can't just Pay for fun.
You truly gotta cultivate it.
And that comes to yourrelationship With people, that
comes to your To where you go,that comes to how you carry
yourself when you're out.
Because let me tell you what,like when I ain't worried about
(12:28):
how much I'm spending on a givennight, I have a different
confidence to then when I'mballing on a budget.
Now I'm the same person, but,dog, I've made good money.
Like I'm the same person, but,dog, I've made good money.
Like I'm not going to hold youand like I'm not saying that to
brag.
(12:48):
I'm saying that to providecontext and understanding about
where I am today.
Oh shit, I'm not making themoney I used to make.
I'm not having the success Iused to have.
Oh shit, I lost my family.
I don't get to see my daughterevery day.
My wife doesn't want to be withme.
I don't want to be with her.
That's two separate things.
But you see where you've livedthis life, where me personally,
(13:13):
I work towards a goal.
You give me a goal, I investinto that goal.
So I know what the end state issupposed to look like and I
work towards that.
But I struggle to work when Idon't have like direction.
Like one of the things that Iloved about being married was
okay, I have a clear direction.
(13:33):
I have to make sure that I'mshowing up for my wife.
I got to make sure I'm showingup for my daughter.
I got to make sure I'm showingup for the family doing this and
that my wife I got to make sureI'm showing up for my daughter.
I got to make sure I'm showingup for the family doing this and
that.
And, as much of a loose cannonas I can be, it worked.
And then it went away and it'slike oh my God, I got to find my
(13:54):
purpose.
No, I really got to find mypurpose and not the purpose that
I put into other people, notlike showing up for my mom,
showing up for my friends,showing up for my girl, showing
up for my dog.
No, no, I got to figure outwhat makes me Take away the
(14:19):
money, because I'm not going tolie to y'all.
I tell y'all I have a price.
I'll shake ass for some money.
I do something I don't like.
I'll do something I don't standfor if it's not, if it's not
too bad, if the money's right,because I like my, my way of
life.
I like, I love my lifestyle and, to be perfectly honest, my
(14:39):
lifestyle has never taken a hituntil now, 33 years.
What I grew up with, I loved it, didn't think I was missing
anything.
The things that I thought I wasmissing as I got older I was
able to buy them.
Now I can't.
The fun I wanted I couldn't do,I do.
I can't do the shoes I used togo buy just because I liked them
(15:04):
.
You know I just be in a mall onany given day and see a pair of
shoes I want, like you knowwhat I want them.
Let me just get them real quick.
Can't do that, no more.
Can't just go to the store andbe like, hey, man, I want some
clothes, you'll buy some stuff.
You can't do that.
You't go to the bar, get abartender's a big tip, so you
know that she just keep rockingwith you every time you come in
there.
(15:24):
You can't do that, no more.
You can't take the girl out tothe restaurant.
That is nothing to you but it'ssomething to her.
No, no, no.
You can't do that anymore.
So you got to take the mask off.
You know you got to take themask off.
(15:45):
You know, you got to take thesunglasses off, you got to take
the do-rag off, and then you gotto start with the man in the
mirror and you've got to ask himto change his ways, because the
clearest message you can find,if you want to make the world
(16:07):
different, you've got to look inthe mirror and make a change.
So, with all of these things inmy life were falling apart
beside me, and they're currentlyfalling apart today.
Don't get me wrong, I'm noteven building back up.
I just think I finallydiagnosed a problem and I'm
working towards figuring outwhat the solution is, and I'm
(16:27):
gonna start testing differenttheories that I have for a
solution, but I haven't foundthem yet.
But what I had to do is after Istopped looking at everything
else around me and blaming this,and that I had to look at me
and say, well, what can you do?
Who are you?
(16:48):
What do you want?
What are you working for?
Because you're giving yourselfto all of these people and
you're not giving any time toyourself.
You're not developing you.
I wasn't developing me.
My identity was thrown into somany different people and so
many different things that Ibegan to tell myself that my
(17:13):
identity is consuming myselfinto other things, is consuming
myself into other things.
Now I can accept that Exist inmy identity, but it's not my
full identity.
It's not, never will be, neverhas been.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
And then you ask yourself how did you get here?
This is culturallyinappropriate.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Now keep playing that .
Drop why?
Because I'm culturallyinappropriate Me at my core.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
This is culturally inappropriate.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
If you talk to me and you ask me my real feelings
about life, about situations,and you give me a space to break
it down and give it some nuance, the conversation is probably
going to start off and you'regoing to be like this is
culturally inappropriate.
(18:23):
Why?
Because I like to say that I'mpretty well read.
I like to say I'm pretty wellversed.
I like to say that I interactwith people from different walks
of life and listen to theirperspectives and their points of
view, and whether I agree withit or not, I still want to know
it.
People ask me all the time bro,why do you follow these pages,
(18:45):
why do you consume thisinformation?
Why do you allow that into yourbrain?
And I go.
Well, how can I get anunderstanding of things that I
don't agree with if I don'tlearn it and learn to understand
it?
You see what I'm saying, but Iam culturally inappropriate.
(19:11):
And when I get back to talkingabout shape-shifting and fitting
in and hiding my true self,it's knowing that you're
culturally inappropriate andthen worrying about how people
are going to respond to it.
And I watched Love Island.
(19:32):
I did.
I watched season seven and meand a friend were watching
Huda's I call it Huda.
We were watching her does whodoes I call it who?
We're watching her.
Call me daddy interview.
And she was talking about howyou know she lives by this and
she tells her kids to just notgive a fuck what people say or
care, you know, not care aboutwhat people think about you or
(19:55):
say about you, and it's so easyto say that, so hard to live it.
But, like you know, when you'relike me, you're culturally
inappropriate.
You have to accept it.
And the hard part about aboutit, for me it's like again, I
work towards objectives.
If I don't have an objective towork towards, well, I'm just,
(20:16):
I'm man, I'm just floating thebailing water, just you know
what I mean.
Because I ain't working towardsnothing, then I ain't probably
not interested.
But that's me.
I'm not saying it's right, butit's me and the.
The insane thing about all ofthis is that you can't be that
(20:45):
way, because what I learned isin trying to dictate outcomes
and working towards goals andnot just enjoying the process
and the day-to-day.
I lost so much.
I remember Cindy used to tellme all the time you keep talking
about the future, but there maynot be no future if you don't
work on today and I'm like Iworked on today a long time ago
(21:11):
we gotta push forward.
But you can make a plan for ittoday and independently, when
you're working in a vacuum.
And me, I'm an only child raisedby a single parent.
Live by myself.
I independent, independentcontractor.
You understand what I'm saying.
My best football game twointerceptions, a forced fumble
(21:31):
and five tackles.
And we lost that game 21 to 12.
And from that day forward I saidyou know what?
All I can do is rely on me.
I've been let down by people.
I got trust issues.
I got daddy issues.
I love my dad.
I'm not shitting on him, butI'm saying I got daddy issues.
(21:53):
And because of that, like I havea different mistrust for people
, I have a desire to be accepted.
Yeah, I want to be loved.
I have a desire to be accepted.
Yeah, I want to be loved.
But that's not okay.
It's failed me.
So I say this to say don't liveto be loved, live to be you and
(22:13):
whatever there is for you, notwhat you think you want, not
what you want, but what is foryou, what you need, what you're
supposed to have, where you'resupposed to go.
It will happen.
Just be you.
Because I'm telling you you canbottle, you can filter yourself
, you can bottle yourself upfrom people.
(22:35):
And then you start thinkingabout how to be yourself.
You start thinking about how to.
I'm not telling you what I'veheard.
I'm telling you what I've lived.
I'm telling you what I'm living.
You go from being a guy that'soutside all the time until now,
when you go outside, you'refighting off anxiety attacks and
panic attacks and it's likewhat the hell is going on in my
(22:56):
bones.
That's not me.
I love this, I want to do this,but now my body's telling me I
love this, I want to do this,but now my body's telling me I'm
not supposed to do it.
Why?
Because I've gotten so far awayfrom who I am in my brain that
I'm questioning everything thatI do and my body doesn't know
how to respond.
Because I'm no longer moving inmy purpose.
I'm purposefully moving in away that goes against what God
(23:20):
has for me.
And the beautiful thing aboutthis is, when you're moving
outside of your purpose, whenyou're walking down a path
that's not for you, boy, you'regoing to stumble, trip, fall and
break something, and then, ifyou get back up and you keep
(23:41):
walking down that path, you'regoing to break something else,
and then you might dropsomething and you might lose it,
or then you might get soinjured, so hurt, that you go.
I can't go down this pathanymore.
I got to ask for help, I've gotto detour, and that's where I'm
(24:01):
at in life right now.
I'm at a crossroads.
I had a detour Because I'vebeen going down this path, been
committed to a path, and I keepfalling, I keep getting hurt.
Now I've gotten to the point towhere there's nothing I can do
(24:22):
to move down this path.
So now I have to go back, lookat my map, reevaluate where I'm
going, what I'm doing and whyI'm here, and make those changes
, make those fixes.
And I'm telling you about mebecause it's me.
(24:43):
But when you listen to this,put yourself in my shoes and
walk the path less traveled.
Walk your path.
More times than not, you'regoing to have to blaze that path
because it's your path.
Don't walk down the path yourmom wants you to walk through.
(25:07):
Don't walk down the path yourdad wants you to walk through.
Don't walk down the path yourkids want you to walk through.
Don't walk down the path yourwife wants you to walk down.
Walk them, okay.
Your husband, your friends,your grandparents, your loved
ones, whoever matters to you youwalk down a path that God has
(25:27):
set for you and everything thatis supposed to be for you is
going to come to you.
But don't try to choose anddictate what is for you and
dictate what is for you.
You let life dictate where youare.
(25:49):
No, no, no, no, no.
I take that back.
I take that back.
You work hard for what it isthat you want, but you got to
make sure that what you want iswhat you need and where you're
supposed to be.
I remember having a conversationwith a friend and I was like
the problem with a lot of peopleis we have sex with who we want
(26:11):
to, not who we're supposed tohave sex with.
Right, two people can want tohave sex.
They're not supposed to havesex Like old CEO from whatever
that company is at the Coldplayconcert with old girl.
Right, he messing around withher.
They want to do it, so it'sconsent, cool, do it.
But they're supposed to do itProfessionally.
(26:33):
No, she's his HR director andhe's the CEO.
Conflict of interest he'smarried, she's married Adultery
director and he's the CEO.
Conflict of interest, he'smarried, she's married Adultery.
You see what I'm saying Y'allain't supposed to mess around.
If y'all do mess around, morethan likely something's gonna
(26:54):
happen that y'all don't want tohappen because y'all was doing
something you wasn't supposed tobe doing.
You follow me Now I think somepeople may do some things that
are morally rejected, but itcould be what they're supposed
(27:16):
to be doing, doing, and from allof this I'm now learning what
I'm supposed to be doing versuswhat I want to be doing, what I
think I want to be doing andwhat I'm doing, and I know what
I'm supposed to be doing.
It's just being me, and beingme is this is culturally
(27:44):
inappropriate.
And I'm okay with that.
Hey man, I'm doing a little something.
It's not new, it's justdifferent.
It's just me recording bymyself Shopping sprees, and so
ho, it had to do.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
So see it, what up man.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Just tripping and whatever, you know, man, I'm
here, I'm back, it's me, it's ACLee, and I just kind of want to
talk by myself, and what Ithink is the theme of this show
is just going to be.
This is culturallyinappropriate, you know because
(00:44):
I think this show is going to beculturally inappropriate.
But the reason that this showis going to be culturally
inappropriate is because Imyself am.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
This is culturally inappropriate.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
I'm culturally inappropriate.
I can't help myself.
I can't help myself.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
This is culturally inappropriate.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
I can't, and that's the problem.
That's why we're here, that'swhy you actually have me doing a
pod by myself, right, because Idon't have a wife in bed right
now as it is.
What is it?
I don't have a wife in bedright now as it is.
(01:42):
What is it?
3.23 am on a Saturday morning?
No, I'm single, you know,separated, but I never went into
depth of what's going on and,to be perfectly honest, I'm not
going to go into depth withwhat's going on.
It's going to let you know that, hey, my marriage didn't work
out for a lot of reasons, andsome of those reasons I will
talk about.
You know, jokes here and there,but also, in more long form,
(02:07):
conversations, and then I'llalso inject some of those
experiences in the conversationsthat I have here on the show.
Why?
Because I think it's importantto share knowledge.
If y'all know anything about me, you know that I am not a
hoarder of knowledge.
I don't support hoard knowledgeand I don't support hoarders of
knowledge.
If you know something, sharesomething, because if you know
(02:30):
it, you can help someone elseout, and a lot of times you have
these prideful people who existin this world.
You know, maybe I can relate,maybe not who knows who don't
necessarily ask for help, notwho knows who don't necessarily
ask for help but are open toreceiving it, and I think that,
for one, that person should askfor help if they need it
(02:52):
Absolutely.
But at the same time, I thinkpeople who have information,
have knowledge, can share thatknowledge and put it out there
for others so that they canlearn from that knowledge and
gain wisdom beyond their years.
So that's why, for the mostpart, I'm an open book.
(03:13):
Yeah, but being an open book ishard and like preparing this
show, I'll tell you what dogit's a freestyle.
I have no notes.
I have a bunch of topics likein my hey, let's do a solo show
topic list, a whole lot ofpolitical stuff that I want to
get into.
But that's not today's show,because this is the warm up.
(03:35):
This is the first date.
You know I'm trying to impressyou.
I'm trying to reel you in, andsome of you I'm trying to
impress you.
I'm trying to reel you in andsome of you I'm trying to reel
you back in because for those ofyou who actually listen to the
show, have listened to thedifferent iterations of the show
, you understand that I lost acertain level of vulnerability
(03:58):
on the show.
I was on here lying and I was onhere telling y'all I was lying
and making it very clear thatI'm not going to tell the truth
about me and myself on this show.
I'm not going to call it amisstep because the show wasn't
the most important thing in mylife at the time, but I will say
that creatively it was amisstep Again.
(04:22):
Creatively, I don't regret anydecisions that I made.
But now, fuck that shit man.
I was just on here talking,doing a podcast, because I love
to do the podcast and doing mybest to to provide like a
dramatized show.
But that's not me.
I'm not stephen a smith, I'mnot skip bayless, I'm not
shannon sharp.
(04:43):
I'm not named that person onany mainstream type of show.
That's not me.
I can't just come on here andtalk about stuff and not just
inject myself into it.
You know what I mean.
I can't come on the show andnot be vulnerable and actually
be the show.
And what I learned through thatprocess was yeah, some people
(05:03):
come here for the show.
And what I learned through thatprocess was yeah, some people
come here for the show, somepeople come here for the
entertainment, but a lot ofpeople were here for me to be
authentically me and they werehere for me to have the
different guests that I had, tohave the different types of
shows that I did and ran for usto be our authentic selves on
(05:26):
the show and what I saw becauseyou know I track my numbers.
It's not the most importantthing to me, but it's something
that I'm well aware of.
I go oh man, don't nobody wantto just come hear me talk.
It hurts your feelings just atad.
No, really, because I get it.
(05:48):
I didn't build this platformfor y'all to just come here and
hear me talk about things.
I tried that when I was asports guy and I was doing all
this analysis and breaking downgames and and taking notes and
this, and that it's like, bro,don't nobody want to hear that.
I mean, they want to hear youtalk about sports sometimes, but
(06:10):
they want to hear you be youand what I know is I wasn't on
here being me, I wasn't on herebeing vulnerable and the wild
thing was like man.
I read this book back in seventhgrade about Thurgood Marshall
(06:31):
and it talked about what madehim successful, you know, as a
lawyer, then eventually as ajudge and how he made his way to
the Supreme Court, and it wasbuilt around his ability to be
able to code, switch and shapeshift and I was taught to do
that.
I don't even know if it wasbuilt around his ability to be
able to code, switch and shapeshift and I was taught to do
that.
I don't even know if it waslike a direct.
It wasn't like hey, act likethis around these people Act
(06:52):
like no, you just kind of pickup things and then like me, like
I wouldn't call myself anempath, but like I read, I can
read a room I ain't going to beon some.
Oh, I can read energy, I canread.
I can read a room I ain't gonnabe on some.
Oh, I can read energy.
I can feel.
No, no, nigga, I, I'm a humanbeing, I'm an adult and I can
read.
I can just read a room.
You know what I mean.
I haven't been rejected manytimes and been surprised by it.
(07:16):
You know there was that onetime, but we won't talk about
that, you know.
So I'm saying all of that tosay I've done a lot of shape
shifts and I've done a lot ofcode switching in my life and it
found me questioning who I amand throughout different phases
(07:39):
of life, I didn't worry about itbecause I was achieving my
goals.
Now I may not have beenachieving like I may not have
been achieving likeprofessionally, I may not have
been doing some of the bestthings, I didn't have some of
the best reviews from my bosses,but I didn't care about that
because that's not what I wassetting out to do, you know.
But then you do that.
(08:01):
You go through that process andthen you know I walk away from
the military.
I haven't really talked aboutthat one.
Then you know I walk away fromthe military.
I haven't really talked aboutthat one either.
You know I've made a decisionfor me and family and dog.
I was ready to get out tomilitary before I was ready to
go in, you know, and I still dida 10 year career on top of four
(08:23):
years in college and ROTC.
So I gave the DOD 14 and a halfyears of my life, almost 15,
you know I'm okay with that, I'mmore than okay with that.
You know what I mean.
But through that, you know Iwon't say I lost myself, but I
(08:44):
found myself conforming to eachenvironment that I was in and
not just at work.
You get married, you startbringing it home, you start
conforming to the environmentand then you know marriage isn't
happening.
And then, like, you starttrying to put yourself back out
there and you find yourselfconforming to each different
(09:04):
girl that you're talking to andthen you realize you go hold on,
man, I'm not being me.
Now I look at how I may haveConformed to different People
Earlier in my life.
In those situations, thoserelationships, those
(09:24):
opportunities didn't work out.
I know professionally thepeople who worked for me, who
saw the real me, not the not thecode switching me.
Those people trusted me,respected me and I have great
relationships with a lot ofpeople who once called me their
boss, who once called me theirboss.
But I don't have the samerelationships with those people
(09:48):
who I called boss, and a lot ofthat was my inability to be
transparent with those people,to be myself to me code
switching too much.
And then I found myself youknow, again you do it in dating.
(10:10):
Then I found myself doing it inmy marriage.
Well, my marriage failed.
My Marine Corps career Is over,proud of it, proud of the work
that I did, but not proud of myrelationships.
Moving up, I get my first jobafter the Marine Corps and could
(10:36):
I do it?
Yeah, did I like it, man?
Did I like what I got paid?
Fuck, no.
And then you find yourselfbuilding great relationships
with the crews and stuff,because I was doing construction
project management.
You find yourself buildingthose relationships with the
crews.
You know you're forming yoursuperintendents, even some of
(10:56):
your peers, but you're notbuilding that same rapport
upstream.
So then you have to sit aroundand then other things have
happened in life that haven'tbeen the best and you find
yourself alone, like alone.
You can't do the things youonce did.
(11:21):
You can't hide behind the funsocial life.
You can't hide behind thedrunken nights.
You can't hide behind thepretty women.
You're no longer living in acity where you can just walk
outside and have fun.
You're no longer living in acity where you can just hop in
an Uber and have fun.
You're no longer living in aplace where, when you walk in
(11:42):
the building, oh, you knowyou're minus odds.
You know what I mean.
You're no longer in a place towhere you know exactly where to
go on every single night to seesomething that you're looking
for, and so then, when yourmoney ain't what it used to be.
(12:03):
You can't just Pay for fun.
You truly gotta cultivate it.
And that comes to yourrelationship With people, that
comes to your To where you go,that comes to how you carry
yourself when you're out.
Because let me tell you what,like when I ain't worried about
(12:28):
how much I'm spending on a givennight, I have a different
confidence to then when I'mballing on a budget.
Now I'm the same person, but,dog, I've made good money.
Like I'm the same person, but,dog, I've made good money.
Like I'm not going to hold youand like I'm not saying that to
brag.
(12:48):
I'm saying that to providecontext and understanding about
where I am today.
Oh shit, I'm not making themoney I used to make.
I'm not having the success Iused to have.
Oh shit, I lost my family.
I don't get to see my daughterevery day.
My wife doesn't want to be withme.
I don't want to be with her.
That's two separate things.
But you see where you've livedthis life, where me personally,
(13:13):
I work towards a goal.
You give me a goal, I investinto that goal.
So I know what the end state issupposed to look like and I
work towards that.
But I struggle to work when Idon't have like direction.
Like one of the things that Iloved about being married was
okay, I have a clear direction.
(13:33):
I have to make sure that I'mshowing up for my wife.
I got to make sure I'm showingup for my daughter.
I got to make sure I'm showingup for the family doing this and
that my wife I got to make sureI'm showing up for my daughter.
I got to make sure I'm showingup for the family doing this and
that.
And, as much of a loose cannonas I can be, it worked.
And then it went away and it'slike oh my God, I got to find my
(13:54):
purpose.
No, I really got to find mypurpose and not the purpose that
I put into other people, notlike showing up for my mom,
showing up for my friends,showing up for my girl, showing
up for my dog.
No, no, I got to figure outwhat makes me Take away the
(14:19):
money, because I'm not going tolie to y'all.
I tell y'all I have a price.
I'll shake ass for some money.
I do something I don't like.
I'll do something I don't standfor if it's not, if it's not
too bad, if the money's right,because I like my, my way of
life.
I like, I love my lifestyle and, to be perfectly honest, my
(14:39):
lifestyle has never taken a hituntil now, 33 years.
What I grew up with, I loved it, didn't think I was missing
anything.
The things that I thought I wasmissing as I got older I was
able to buy them.
Now I can't.
The fun I wanted I couldn't do,I do.
I can't do the shoes I used togo buy just because I liked them
(15:04):
.
You know I just be in a mall onany given day and see a pair of
shoes I want, like you knowwhat I want them.
Let me just get them real quick.
Can't do that, no more.
Can't just go to the store andbe like, hey, man, I want some
clothes, you'll buy some stuff.
You can't do that.
You't go to the bar, get abartender's a big tip, so you
know that she just keep rockingwith you every time you come in
there.
(15:24):
You can't do that, no more.
You can't take the girl out tothe restaurant.
That is nothing to you but it'ssomething to her.
No, no, no.
You can't do that anymore.
So you got to take the mask off.
You know you got to take themask off.
(15:45):
You know, you got to take thesunglasses off, you got to take
the do-rag off, and then you gotto start with the man in the
mirror and you've got to ask himto change his ways, because the
clearest message you can find,if you want to make the world
(16:07):
different, you've got to look inthe mirror and make a change.
So, with all of these things inmy life were falling apart
beside me, and they're currentlyfalling apart today.
Don't get me wrong, I'm noteven building back up.
I just think I finallydiagnosed a problem and I'm
working towards figuring outwhat the solution is, and I'm
(16:27):
gonna start testing differenttheories that I have for a
solution, but I haven't foundthem yet.
But what I had to do is after Istopped looking at everything
else around me and blaming this,and that I had to look at me
and say, well, what can you do?
Who are you?
(16:48):
What do you want?
What are you working for?
Because you're giving yourselfto all of these people and
you're not giving any time toyourself.
You're not developing you.
I wasn't developing me.
My identity was thrown into somany different people and so
many different things that Ibegan to tell myself that my
(17:13):
identity is consuming myselfinto other things, is consuming
myself into other things.
Now I can accept that Exist inmy identity, but it's not my
full identity.
It's not, never will be, neverhas been.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
And then you ask yourself how did you get here?
This is culturallyinappropriate.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Now keep playing that .
Drop why?
Because I'm culturallyinappropriate Me at my core.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
This is culturally inappropriate.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
If you talk to me and you ask me my real feelings
about life, about situations,and you give me a space to break
it down and give it some nuance, the conversation is probably
going to start off and you'regoing to be like this is
culturally inappropriate.
(18:23):
Why?
Because I like to say that I'mpretty well read.
I like to say I'm pretty wellversed.
I like to say that I interactwith people from different walks
of life and listen to theirperspectives and their points of
view, and whether I agree withit or not, I still want to know
it.
People ask me all the time bro,why do you follow these pages,
(18:45):
why do you consume thisinformation?
Why do you allow that into yourbrain?
And I go.
Well, how can I get anunderstanding of things that I
don't agree with if I don'tlearn it and learn to understand
it?
You see what I'm saying, but Iam culturally inappropriate.
(19:11):
And when I get back to talkingabout shape-shifting and fitting
in and hiding my true self,it's knowing that you're
culturally inappropriate andthen worrying about how people
are going to respond to it.
And I watched Love Island.
(19:32):
I did.
I watched season seven and meand a friend were watching
Huda's I call it Huda.
We were watching her does whodoes I call it who?
We're watching her.
Call me daddy interview.
And she was talking about howyou know she lives by this and
she tells her kids to just notgive a fuck what people say or
care, you know, not care aboutwhat people think about you or
(19:55):
say about you, and it's so easyto say that, so hard to live it.
But, like you know, when you'relike me, you're culturally
inappropriate.
You have to accept it.
And the hard part about aboutit, for me it's like again, I
work towards objectives.
If I don't have an objective towork towards, well, I'm just,
(20:16):
I'm man, I'm just floating thebailing water, just you know
what I mean.
Because I ain't working towardsnothing, then I ain't probably
not interested.
But that's me.
I'm not saying it's right, butit's me and the.
The insane thing about all ofthis is that you can't be that
(20:45):
way, because what I learned isin trying to dictate outcomes
and working towards goals andnot just enjoying the process
and the day-to-day.
I lost so much.
I remember Cindy used to tellme all the time you keep talking
about the future, but there maynot be no future if you don't
work on today and I'm like Iworked on today a long time ago
(21:11):
we gotta push forward.
But you can make a plan for ittoday and independently, when
you're working in a vacuum.
And me, I'm an only child raisedby a single parent.
Live by myself.
I independent, independentcontractor.
You understand what I'm saying.
My best football game twointerceptions, a forced fumble
(21:31):
and five tackles.
And we lost that game 21 to 12.
And from that day forward I saidyou know what?
All I can do is rely on me.
I've been let down by people.
I got trust issues.
I got daddy issues.
I love my dad.
I'm not shitting on him, butI'm saying I got daddy issues.
(21:53):
And because of that, like I havea different mistrust for people
, I have a desire to be accepted.
Yeah, I want to be loved.
I have a desire to be accepted.
Yeah, I want to be loved.
But that's not okay.
It's failed me.
So I say this to say don't liveto be loved, live to be you and
(22:13):
whatever there is for you, notwhat you think you want, not
what you want, but what is foryou, what you need, what you're
supposed to have, where you'resupposed to go.
It will happen.
Just be you.
Because I'm telling you you canbottle, you can filter yourself
, you can bottle yourself upfrom people.
(22:35):
And then you start thinkingabout how to be yourself.
You start thinking about how to.
I'm not telling you what I'veheard.
I'm telling you what I've lived.
I'm telling you what I'm living.
You go from being a guy that'soutside all the time until now,
when you go outside, you'refighting off anxiety attacks and
panic attacks and it's likewhat the hell is going on in my
(22:56):
bones.
That's not me.
I love this, I want to do this,but now my body's telling me I
love this, I want to do this,but now my body's telling me I'm
not supposed to do it.
Why?
Because I've gotten so far awayfrom who I am in my brain that
I'm questioning everything thatI do and my body doesn't know
how to respond.
Because I'm no longer moving inmy purpose.
I'm purposefully moving in away that goes against what God
(23:20):
has for me.
And the beautiful thing aboutthis is, when you're moving
outside of your purpose, whenyou're walking down a path
that's not for you, boy, you'regoing to stumble, trip, fall and
break something, and then, ifyou get back up and you keep
(23:41):
walking down that path, you'regoing to break something else,
and then you might dropsomething and you might lose it,
or then you might get soinjured, so hurt, that you go.
I can't go down this pathanymore.
I got to ask for help, I've gotto detour, and that's where I'm
(24:01):
at in life right now.
I'm at a crossroads.
I had a detour Because I'vebeen going down this path, been
committed to a path, and I keepfalling, I keep getting hurt.
Now I've gotten to the point towhere there's nothing I can do
(24:22):
to move down this path.
So now I have to go back, lookat my map, reevaluate where I'm
going, what I'm doing and whyI'm here, and make those changes
, make those fixes.
And I'm telling you about mebecause it's me.
(24:43):
But when you listen to this,put yourself in my shoes and
walk the path less traveled.
Walk your path.
More times than not, you'regoing to have to blaze that path
because it's your path.
Don't walk down the path yourmom wants you to walk through.
(25:07):
Don't walk down the path yourdad wants you to walk through.
Don't walk down the path yourkids want you to walk through.
Don't walk down the path yourwife wants you to walk down.
Walk them, okay.
Your husband, your friends,your grandparents, your loved
ones, whoever matters to you youwalk down a path that God has
(25:27):
set for you and everything thatis supposed to be for you is
going to come to you.
But don't try to choose anddictate what is for you and
dictate what is for you.
You let life dictate where youare.
(25:49):
No, no, no, no, no.
I take that back.
I take that back.
You work hard for what it isthat you want, but you got to
make sure that what you want iswhat you need and where you're
supposed to be.
I remember having a conversationwith a friend and I was like
the problem with a lot of peopleis we have sex with who we want
(26:11):
to, not who we're supposed tohave sex with.
Right, two people can want tohave sex.
They're not supposed to havesex Like old CEO from whatever
that company is at the Coldplayconcert with old girl.
Right, he messing around withher.
They want to do it, so it'sconsent, cool, do it.
But they're supposed to do itProfessionally.
(26:33):
No, she's his HR director andhe's the CEO.
Conflict of interest he'smarried, she's married Adultery
director and he's the CEO.
Conflict of interest, he'smarried, she's married Adultery.
You see what I'm saying Y'allain't supposed to mess around.
If y'all do mess around, morethan likely something's gonna
(26:54):
happen that y'all don't want tohappen because y'all was doing
something you wasn't supposed tobe doing.
You follow me Now I think somepeople may do some things that
are morally rejected, but itcould be what they're supposed
(27:16):
to be doing, doing, and from allof this I'm now learning what
I'm supposed to be doing versuswhat I want to be doing, what I
think I want to be doing andwhat I'm doing, and I know what
I'm supposed to be doing.
It's just being me, and beingme is this is culturally
(27:44):
inappropriate.
And I'm okay with that.
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