Season 2 - Ep 12 - Critical Care - Sleazy Spader Springtime 7: "Sleaze the Day" No. 1 - The After Movie Diner Podcast

Episode Transcript
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(00:13):
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(00:36):
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who negatively reviews free entertainment they donot need to be consuming. So,

(00:59):
with out further dribbling, John Crossbecause of Sidney Lumette, mm hmm,
oh, some people might call himSidney lum like that. That might be
a thing. I don't know ifthey do that, but it might be
a thing that could be for sure, exactly. Yeah. I also I

(01:23):
discovered that one of the uh Jarmushmovies I haven't seen yet, uh Dead
Don't Die, was on HBO,So I watched that one today. So
it's not good. Yeah, it'sI you know, I didn't hate it.
But I think if I were torank all of the Jarmush films that
I've seen, there's only three thatI haven't seen, Broken Flowers, Only

(01:46):
Lovers Left Alive, and Uh Patterson, which is available on a free streamer.
I'm gonna check that out, butI think I would put it maybe
below like a dead Man was oneI also didn't care for as much,
so I put it maybe below deadMan and my jar mouche. Oh okay,
yeah, I haven't seen dead Manin a while, but my memory
is that it was quite good.But maybe I'm wrong about you know,

(02:07):
I might have been tougher on it. Actually, none, I think,
but I think I saw it twice. The first time I watched it,
I was tough on it. Mypoor friend was all excited to watch it.
He was like a big iggy popfan. And jermushooses a lot of
fade outs, like to go fromscene to scene, and every time he
did a fade out, I wouldbe like next week on dead Man when
we return, when dead Man returned, you know, and he's like,

(02:28):
Okay, I get it, Iget it, you know, same same
dead Man time, same dead Manchannel. Well, I mean, look,
John mush is as as we know, John Moush is both a rebel
and and you since right, he'slike, I don't know, he's like
he's he's what I imagine hipsters seeright before they die, you know what

(02:52):
I mean? Like John Moosh comesto them in like a pinstripe suit,
big old like John Mushin makes someironicment, tells it to Adam Driver and
then they skip off into the sunset. And that's that's what him's to see
as they gasp their last bread exactly. That was the thing is like I
read that Tilda Swinton was one whowas like, you should make a zombie

(03:15):
movie, and he was like,Okay, I'll make a zombie movie.
Yeah, but why did he haveto make it better and ironic? And
it's just so annoying. Yeah,such a great cast. And but you
know, Murray believes that his bestperformance ever is Broken Flowers. And I've
never screamed wake up so much toa TV screen in my life while I

(03:38):
was watching Broken Flowers, as Icould, someone smack Bill Murray around the
face and make sure that he's stillbreathing. Please. If he considers this
his best performance, I don't knowhe's either mental or perpetually lazy. Well,
because that might be the thing,right, Broken Flowers might be the
one if I finally watch that onethat I think is worse than Uh,

(04:00):
Broken Flowers is by far the worstthing I've ever seen in the history of
things. Yeah, no, Imean that's up there, the dead one
die. It was just too youknow, ironic and knowing and you know,
all that kind of stuff. Itwas just a bit too much.

(04:20):
I mean it was it was asknowing as it gets when the characters are
referencing the script in the movie.Right. Well, yeah, it's just
I don't know, it just smackedme a little bit of all right,
jewoush stay stay in your lane,making you know, quirky indie, inward

(04:41):
thoughtful, you know, slices oflife with it with a tinge of exploitation
underneath. Stick to that. Thiswas I don't know. He had the
genre, you know, because he'sdone like the western, hipster western,
and he's done the hipster rockabilly movie, and he's done the hipster heist movie.
And you know, he works ingenres, but it's you know,

(05:03):
and he's done Samurai and ye spyand other stuff. But always within this
sort of why did you bother towrite a script this week? This time?
Juvish, No, I didn't.I didn't bother to write a script.
Do you even have any character names? Now? Just call them the
same name as the actor. Oh, so we're really just going to scrape

(05:24):
the bottom of the barrel? OhI think we borrowed through the barrel and
now we're somewhere underground being molested byworms. Anyway, Sorry, I don't
know. Hello, and welcome tothe aftermovie Diner. And it's a very
exciting aftermovie Diner episode because this kicksoff it is, as they say,

(05:46):
the inaugural episode of twenty twenty four, Sleazy Spade of Springtime. Matt,
how exciting is that? I'm veryexcited. You know, last year we
did Crash and nice. I thinkI'm by favorite Spader movie and so it's
it's it was hard, it likelike or for us to come with the

(06:06):
movie that that for me was likethat kind of worked. Yes, as
well as as Crash, I wasn'texpecting. So I'm excited. I'm excited
to talk about about this movie.But what's what's interesting about this Leazy Spade
of Springtime is a. People aregoing to be like, well, it's
not springtime, John, it's June. But I'm going to tell you that
when you look out of my dooror my window or anything that that allows

(06:30):
you to view my front yard,you will see Matt blossom still on the
trees. There is still blossom onthe trees. And the rule in Connecticut
Matt, passed by the governor himself, is that while blossom remains on the
trees, and by blossom, wemean the little pink leaves and stuff,
not the actress or character from TVwearing your big floppy hat. We're not

(06:55):
talking about she is Miambiolic. We'renot saying, is Miami Aleck in the
tree. That's not what we're saying, because if Miambiolic is just hanging out
in your tree, I'd call thepolice. Yes, because enough of that.
Anyway, enough of that, beAleck, Go get in your lane,
be Aleck, enough of it,Go do some kind of like neuro

(07:19):
medicine. Tell everyone how fucking intelligentyou are. Going right anyway, be
Aleck, enough of you. Butno, the rule in Connecticut math is
if a tree blossom is still visible, then scream at Miami aleck. But

(07:39):
if it's if it's still visible,then it's still spring and isn't the first
day of summer June twenty first,right, because America has this this whole
unofficial holidays thing where it's like Americahas decided that that Memorial Day is the
official star of summer, in LaborDay is the official end of summer.
But actually, like physics and theplanets and all that stuff, it's kind

(08:03):
of more that the equinoxes are differenttimes. Well you, America's just decided
to put them at different times,but really the twenty first of June and
twenty first of September, all right, and be game. It ended And
look, we started with Sleezy SpaderSpringtime, so we're gonna end with Sleezy
Spader Springtime. I'm not changing intoSleazy Spader summertime. I'm just not Just

(08:24):
accept that we didn't get round torecording this until June and just get on
with your life. Who cares whatit's called? Roll the theme music.
Ah wait, it's Sleazy Spider Springtime. Welcome to the show. Oh it's
just Sleazy Spider Springtime. I wantyou all to know that, if you

(08:45):
please, it's Jake Spader sleez andit's got nowhere else to go, so
loosen all the houses. Give yournose a damn good blow. Because you
don't, we gonna give you onefour because it's two thousand more than twenty
falls Sleazy Spine Spring Time Show.Oh it is two thousand and twenty falls

(09:15):
Sleepy Spine up Time Show. Allright, I listen. I love hearing
that theme music every year that wedo this. It's Sleezy Spader Springtime.

(09:35):
I don't care what date it is, Matt. I'm not changing. Its
Sleezy Sprader Summertime. Everyone can justkeep existing and just understand. Call it
what you want, like if youwant to tell friends about it, call
it whatever you want to me.It's still spring, still blastom on the
trees. Matt. I'm done defendingthis. But anyway, as I was
saying, we are going to bedoing probably the last four because, as

(09:58):
I said, apart from a fewsubsidiary sorry, a few movies where he
plays a very subsidiary character low downthe Casters and a couple which we actually
almost covered and then didn't cover,and now I don't really want to go
back and cover basically, these lastfour will be the last four because there

(10:20):
are also movies that we did.People need to remember. They're like,
well, you haven't done pretty inPink or lesson zero and I go,
right, But if you go backto the Andrew McCarthy New Year's Special episode,
which basically becomes a Spader episode andsort of the unofficial beginning of Sleazy
Spader springtime, because we talk aboutMannequin, lesson zero and what's the other

(10:45):
one he's in with McCarthy. He'sin one other one? Oh, pretty
in pink, pretty pink. Yeah, So yeah, we talk about all
of those anyway on the New Year'sAndrew McCarthy a Rockeling Eve Show. So
find that in the thing because peoplewill be like, well, we want
you to redo it, and look, maybe in the future I'll be like,
all right, I'm going to redoMannequin and lesson zero and whatever.

(11:09):
But you know nobody wants that.Matt. I've done. I've taken,
I've taken numbers, I've looked atthe polls and they've all said no,
Matt, you are today wearing thecolor of your people. And by people
I mean main maniacs, yes,or folks from Maine. People from Mainlanders

(11:31):
whatever you want to call them,the lovely, the lovely folk of Maine.
I won't to wear the color oftheir people's, which is, of
course the Moxie orange. Matt,I cannot not comment on it when I
see you wearing the full Marxie andI have to say, the shirt isn't
the Moxie, it's it's my DTVkind of source short, but yeah,

(11:52):
it's the shirt that he made surewas exactly the same orange jest as Thesie,
because he is a Mainland through andthrough people. He's a maniac of
the highest order. Yes, Idiscovered recently that Kevin Eastman, the man
who co created teenage mut Ninja Turtlesand who was married to Julie Strain,
was actually originally from Portland, Maine. Yes, I was saying about the

(12:16):
movie Rowdy Girls, where apparently thewoman that Julie Strain or the man that
that Julie Strain was having a lovescene with, didn't want his bear buttocks
shown in the film. So KevinEastman's like, sure, show my bear
buttocks instead. So he was hecrotus exactly? Yes, Yeah, so
hey, that's that's us Maynards whereyou know, you need stunt buttocks,

(12:37):
A pair of stunt buttocks. Youneed people in Hollywood who might be listening
to this Spader fanatics, the worldof strange scotsmen hiding in their sheds,
and other people who may or maynot listen to the aftermovie Dina uh things,
No, what was what did hesay? A pair of stunt butducks.

(13:05):
That's Hollywood blah blah blah, allthose people I just mentioned. If
you need stunt buttocks, head yourselfto the northeast and main Maynards will will
gladly oblige news at eleven. Sothat's the thing that's happening. I was

(13:28):
disappointed, Matt, just a littlebit, like a little broken hearted that
when we met in Philly earlier thisyear in person, ladies and germs.
I don't know if you knew thatthat the meeting had taken place, but
it did. Indeed, Matt wasnot of that evening wearing his Maxie cap,
and there was a little part ofme that was like, oh am

(13:48):
I not am I not ready yetfor an in person moxieing that order.
The thing is is that, yeah, the Maxie hat you know that you
mentioned, I've never really thought aboutthis before, But I never wear the
Moxie hat out of the apartment.I wear it's just like on the like
like when we do our recordings,I wear the Moxie hat. I do

(14:09):
this writer's group here in Philly thatmeets like remotely once a month. I
wear the Moxie hat for that.But when I leave the apartment, I
almost always wear a Phillies hat.Not because I think any would give me
a hard time if I had aMoxie hat on, but the Phillies hat.
It's like it's like it's better tohave it than not have it,
Like you know when you go intoa store, like like like like I

(14:30):
don't know, Yeah, it's likeyou know, there's always gonna be something
like, hey, how about themPhillies, how about the Philly how are
they doing? Like what you know? And so it helps it like it's
it's kind of the lubrication that thateases the gears of Philadelphia. It's the
it's the doth of the cap,right, it's the the the little fall
up touch. Yes, And it'sthe sort of nod of the head of

(14:54):
similar personages and people who would belike, all right, let's let's be
friends. Based purely on our loveof this particular sports team. Not only
that, but let me give youa discount at this restaurant tonight and maybe
a free beer in the supermarket.Who knows. I'm sure it opens doors
and opens legs as they said,Uh yeah, I mean I would tell

(15:20):
people, like every woman in Philadelphiais wild. For any guy wearing a
Phillies cat, I would just youknow, it's It's definitely a suggestion.
I think people visiting Philadelphia a Phillieshat what will help you? But also
make sure you have some sense ofhow the team's doing, because people are
gonna ask me. People will askme how they did the game. They're
like, what do you think ofthe game? And I was like,

(15:41):
or did they win? And I'llbe like, I dvard it. I'll
find out when I get home,you know, because like that. Yeah.
The other thing I discovered too becausethe hat. I now have the
maroon hat, but I used tohave the red hat and the red hat
if I had because of the Phillyshirts were all red. If I wore
both, people would think I wasgoing to the game that day, and
so I had to stop wearing bothbecause it was like either one or the

(16:02):
other like a pelice. Yeah,you know, can't double up. If
you double up, you're immediately goingto the game. The only time you'll
see me wearing my maple leafs capand my maple leafs sweatshirt together is either
during playoffs and I'm sat at homewatching them, or if I'm on my
way to a game. Those arethe only times that you triple up.
In fact, when I went tomy one and only game in Madison Square

(16:22):
Gardens where they were playing the Rangers, obviously I showed up. It's the
only time that I've worn my Ihad maple leaves, bubble hat, maple
leafs scarf, maple leafs gloves.Because it was in February, matt it
was right around my birthday, mapleleafs gloves, maple leafs hoodie, and

(16:48):
I had all of everything. Frommy waist up was maple leafs merch.
And I sat proudly in the standsof Madison Square Gardens the only maple leaf
oh nowhere it was all Ranges peoplearound. Now It's okay because with the
Rangers roundly whipped us, so theywiped the eyes with us. So even

(17:11):
though it was a wonderful birthday presentthat my friend got me tickets to MSG
to see the leaves. They wereI think they lost like four for nothing
or something. It was it wasa round whipping that we got from the
ranges. So that stopped the youknow, the hate or the anger or
the spitting or whatever. Because myfriend was like, you may get spit

(17:33):
on. I was like what theywere like, you make it. I'm
like, why would you split spiton the like losing side, you know
what I mean. So, yeah, funny you mentioned that because I went
to a Bruins game one time whenthey're playing the Autawa Senators, so like,
I mean, of all the teamsthat have to be angry about,
would be the Autawas, right,like like who you know, you know
who cares? And Otto was playingit back to back, so they they're

(17:56):
on the road, so they weredone. They were cooked, and and
my buddy watching out. I meanit was like a seven to one drubbing
that you know, Boston gave them. And there was one guy with an
ottawaod jersey in the stands and peoplewere harassing him like but but I mean
other people, other people in thestands were like, this is ridiculous.
And they called security for them pointedout who it was. But but there's
a there's this like this obnoxious Toronto. Is it Torontonian is I don't know

(18:19):
if it's it's the term, butyou know, but yeah, uh Torontonian
Torontonian. There was this Yeah.I don't know what his deal was.
I don't if he lived in hewas a transplant from Boston or if he
just was in town, but itseemed like he was taking these business clients
to the game and sitting next tomy friend and I and the whole game
he's just shitting on the Bruins andtalking about how how Boston fans are crap,

(18:42):
they don't know the game like us, you know in Toronto get you
know, constantly going on and on, and then he sees this incident take
place. And my buddy and Ilike were we're like together about each about
five seven, like, and we'renot you know, we're not like these
big burley guys that would start afight. But it was almost like he
like the moment he saw that happen, he was like suddenly toning it down
and like trying to joke around withus, like we've been talking him the

(19:02):
whole time. I don't he thoughtwe were, you know, we were
gonna start with him or something.It was like, you know, like
like like the whole tone changed suddenly. He was just like not mister,
you know, and it's like,like, my friend, I were like
probably the two most innocuous looking peoplein there. Like if anybody who's gonna
sit next to is gonna start fightwith him, right, it wasn't gonna
be us. But but it waskind of funny to see him like change
on that where like, you know, like how horrible Boston is and how
great Toronto is and how these fansdon't get the sport they don't understand it

(19:26):
and all that stuff. It wasyeah, so he was like so it
was like they're playing Ottawa, buthe was, Yeah, he was a
Leafs guy. He was talking aboutlike, you know, like how you
know this Bruin's guy got into afight and everybody was cheering for him and
the guy was waving like oh,ty DOMI would never do that and listening
and it was like the whole thingand you know, he totally insufferable,
but I'm so sorry that that happenedto you. No, it's fan.

(19:47):
We disowned this man. Right,there's a there is a type of hockey
fan so so so we've also beentrying to disown Justin Bieba for the last
five years. Babes is a rightpolice fan. Please not not by anyone
by him exactly the aged gym anyway. Caraen, Yeah, there's this type
of hockey fan, so so likeCanada has their share of them, but

(20:08):
also like Boston, New England theyhave them as well. This is this
insufferable hockey fan. Was like,yeah, you don't know the sport.
You don't get it. You can'ttalk about hockey. I played juniors,
right, I played when I wasten years old, and I know how
to play, and I played inthe semi pro league and you don't really
get it and all this stuff.And like when I listen to Boston Sports
Radio, that person will call andthey will they have the audacity to say,

(20:29):
like, I was a goalie aDivision three high at college, and
so I know what it takes tobe a goalie in the NHL. And
they're like, really, you're callingit is we don't know anything about the
NHL because you played, you know, and goalie twenty years ago in high
school. And it's like that.But that's that's that's how that that was
the kind of fan that guy wasn'tit. There is that type of fan
good You could always just sort ofthrow on Springsteen's glory days and then hang

(20:51):
up on him. Feel like nobodycares about whatever you did back in high
school. You absolute redundant human being. So, sir, we have two
questions about Sleezy Spader Springtime. Three. Actually we have three questions. Do
you think we do them now ordo we do them at the end?

(21:12):
What do you think? What doyou think? It's up to you.
I go either way, so I'myou know, let me have a look,
Let me have a look. Maybemaybe yeah, maybe we do one
at the beginning, one in themiddle, and one at the end.
Maybe that's how we do it,and then that way, the one person
in question who asked the question hasto wait till the end of the show,

(21:33):
which he does anyway because he lovesthis. The only reason I do
still do Sleezy Sprader Springtime is tworeasons. There's two reasons, but there's
three, three reasons. Four.No one of them is Andy Lunn,
Andy Lunn, Andy lun Andy Lunnback in twenty fourteen, Andy Lunn and

(21:55):
his wife Joanne did their very ownSleazy Spader Springtime and tried to get through
all of Spader's films, and soit was inspired by the Lunster and indeed
just his constant emails and messages andcomments on these shows that I still do

(22:18):
them. And the second reason,Matt, is because I woke up one
morning and realized, in order tohave seen and or covered all of Spader's
work, I only actually have todo about four more. So I can
probably handle that, you know whatI mean. I mean, we're already
one down, Mat, I've alreadywatched Critical Care, and so I've already

(22:40):
won down three to go. Thisis easy. It's a breeze. And
I happen to know that one ofthe other ones we're doing is one that
I've already seen and I'm happy torewatch it, so that's good. And
then there are two which are theSpader Cusack movies. Those are the only
other two that we haven't done.There is because okay, so you've are

(23:00):
True Colors right from nineteen ninety one. And then the other Cusack one is
is it the Pentagon papers from twothousand and three, I think that's Cusack.
Oh that sounds Cusack. He is, right, Yeah, so that's
a TV movie that one. Yes, is John Cusack in this one?

(23:27):
Maybe he's not in that one.It's got a lot of people that it's
like the kind of people that wouldbe in a Cusack movie are in it.
But you're right, I don't thinkhe's in it. Like it's very
right, right, yeah, AlanArk, and you know Paul Giamati,
these are people that seem like theywould do Cusack movies. Yeah. Oh,
maybe you only did one then,I don't know. So okay,

(23:48):
so hang on, we've actually gotthree left. Oh no, this might
mean that I'm doing five Spader filmsthis season because I want to got them
all done. Dude, I justwished them off. Yeah, I just
want to finish them off. Soanyway, he's letting you catch up because
he hasn't done a feature film sinceStage of Ultron fifteen, right exactly.

(24:11):
So yeah, he's giving he's givingme time. I think that's that's what
Spader Spader back when The Blacklist started, he was he was like, I
don't know if I want to getlocked into a TV show, And he
looked up Sleazy Spader Springtime with theAfter We Died, and he said,
these guys have only done like sixof my movies. At this point,

(24:33):
I've got a I'm going to takethis TV series and I'm going to ride
this hot bitch to the end ofthe line, which is how Spader talks,
and I'm going to make all ofthis, uh you know, fuck
you money and you know enough tokeep me in silken scarves, Trilby's and

(24:55):
tiny, tiny, tiny cups ofcoffee from now until the day that I
inevitably bloat up to a four hundredpounds and burst like a condom full of
pudding. Okay, that's some ofthe best poetry I've ever just come up
off the top of my head.That's beautiful work. That's beautiful Spader based

(25:15):
work. So yeah, So hetook He took the the TV train all
the way to Sweet Sweet Milk fromteat moments. I don't know what I'm
talking about any because when you lookat his you know what I'm saying.
He suckled at the corporate teat,which actually sounds like a Spader sexual innuendo.

(25:38):
And then he was like, where'sJohn got to Now? He goes,
oh, he's only got about fivemovies left. All right, I'll
give him another year. Because there'ssomething about it if you look at his
career, like he does the practicein an O three ish I guess,
and what is it. It's likeone, two, three, four movies
he's done since then, and oneof them is Shadow of Fear, which

(26:02):
he did around the same time hewas doing the Practice, So it's kind
of but it's like I think it'slike one of those things where it's like
almost like you know, he wasdoing all these movies and I guess people
didn't like him as much, butthen he's doing like the practice in Boston
Legal, he's winning Emmys and stuff, and he's like, this is like
a lot easier. Why don't Ijust do this and just keep getting paid
doing this? And you know,and yeah, he's doing the Office and

(26:22):
then at the Blacklist, it wasalmost almost like he just kind of yeah,
it's like almost kind of like whatyou said, like like what is
going to get me into you know, silk scarfs and tiny coffee cups and
put it on weight and balding andall that, Like what if you want
me count? If you don't countLincoln. Yeah, and Age of Ultron
if the last time you have togo back to when Spada was a it

(26:47):
was anyone that anyone was talking about, like, and I don't mean this
in a bad way. I loveSpada. It's like I love Peter Weller,
right, yeah, but no one'stalking about Peter Weller, no one
after you know, RoboCop, Yes, but then after that, no one's
except us well facts, right,And it's the same with Spader, and

(27:07):
he has a sort of similar Kusakiantrajectory in terms of like mainstream, mainstream,
mainstream and suddenly, you know,right into the straight to video bargain.
Ben. The last time he didanything that anyone gave him any kind
of note for was Secretary back intwo thousand and two. Yeah, which

(27:30):
have we I don't think we've coveredSecretary. Oh yeah, I might have
two more. That was one ofmy wife's favorites. Actually it's Secretary.
She actually really that's like one ofher favorite movies. She's always really liked
that one. Oh I think no. I think when we started Sleezy Sprader
springtime, we said we would neverdo Secretary because what would there what would

(27:51):
there be to say? Because thewhole point of the movie is how sleazy
he is. Yes, you knowwhat I mean, Like, the whole
point of the movie is that he'smeant to be you know, dripping sweat
and clamming up his palms at thethought of Maggie's chilling holes. And so
yes, you just that's the wholeWhat would we talk about, Matt except

(28:12):
how engaged his face becomes. Youmake a great point because there are elements
of the movie we're gonna be talkingabout where he does these little like touches
of like literal and figurative touches ofSpader that you're right, like he's meant
to do them in the Secretary,and so there's like, no, there's
there's no like when you said noveltyto it, No no Secretary versus like

(28:34):
in all these other movies. It'slike it's part of the novelty. When
he stares at someone a little bittoo long, or you know, grabs
a butt cheek when he's probably notappropriate to grab a butte, or purses
his lips or does little like likea little tick tongue thing where he's like
keeps tonguing his lip and stuff inan obscene way. And making little like

(28:59):
reverse laugh, like like sort oflittle like he has to rear his head
back so because and he sort oftongues his lips and purses his lips and
like you know, he'll he verylike like a sort of camp butler will
sometimes like place his hand in avery sort of purposeful way. He did

(29:23):
this as Alan Shaw on Boston Legalall the time. He would pull chairs
away just using like the tips ofhis fingers or whatever in sort of these
ridiculous almost like British Butler at theturn of the century sort of things,
you know what I mean. Hescurries a lot and sort of places his
hands on things very purposely, andsometimes he would do that with a lick

(29:48):
of the lips and a little likelaugh, and your whole body you just
freeze up. It's just like,oh oh, like everything about it is
just so unpleasant because he's combined threecreepy things into one massive Slee's moment anyway
back well, because it shows youthe practice, like how much of a
one note that show was until theybrought him on and then they you know,

(30:11):
they're adding William Shatner and all.It's just like they turn into Boston
Legal, but it's like, youknow the show that was there before with
like Laura Flynn Boyle and I rememberthe actor's name. I think it's like
Dylan's or what. I can't butHili McDermott. Yeah. It's like you're
watching and it's like, Okay,great, it's another you know, lawyer
procedural kind of thing. It's likewhatever, you know, big deal,

(30:32):
and Donnie Wahlberg guest started, andit was like and all of a sudden,
you're bring in Spader and like yousaid, he's just like moving chairs
around and he's smoking cigars and he'sjust like staring at people too long and
just you know, and everybody's like, wow, this is actually interesting,
Like I haven't seen this on TVbefore, Like like a whole host of
Americans that had never seen, youknow, any of these these indie films
that he did and couldn't remember Prettyin Pink or something like who is this

(30:55):
guy? Who is this is actuallyinteresting? Like I've never seen this on
TV. This is what people doingby They all behave like flouts the end
of the pay Magicians my Handkerchief anyway, but it's it's yeah, no one
had ever seen because by that point. And and we'll talk about this in

(31:17):
in uh critical care, because criticalcare, I don't think, and I've
watched a lot of Spader movies,I don't think I've seen him move in
quite this like feline. Uh sortof both, it's both. It's both
kind of lazy and relaxed and menacingand unsettling. It manages to be both.

(31:41):
He's both being very like Looche andvery kind of like feline and slithery
and slow moving and not really pickingup his little slippered shoes or whatever,
right, and not really picking uphis little slippered feet or whatever. And
and but the same time he's sortof advancing upon the woman, you know,

(32:04):
with his entire being. So it'sthis weird It's like a it's like
an erection in a smoking jacket.It's just it's so weird how he's both
utterly menacing and relaxed at the sametime, but also something of a sort
of jazz swing cat as well.Yes, well, And the most fascinating
is he's doing this that that kindof that that routine with you know,

(32:29):
Helen Mirren in scenes where is notsupposed to be any kind of like sexuality
between them. But almost like aMirror and Spader man. I mean,
the two of them together could ignitea fire that we could never put out
like it would. The two ofthem are two of the harpest, sexiest,
weirdest, you know people imaginable,and yet somehow in this movie and

(32:52):
this I threw squarely at the feetof mister Sidney Lunet. How on earth,
how on earth do you put Spaderand Mirror in a movie and just
don't have the fucking rutting each other'sbrains out in a in a laundry shoe

(33:12):
or a janitor's closet or something.I mean, that's what That's what this
movie should have been about. ThatNo fucking Kyris Hedgwick and Marga Martinell and
whatever their issue is. I cankillers just Mirror and Spader just oiling into
each other with a band. Yeah, there needed to be like I can't
remember the name of the actor.There was almost like the glasses who was

(33:34):
like the one who's like into likethe technology of coin Dexter is his character
name? I've got no idea whothe guy is. I'll look it up
now. Yeah, but he neededto walk in on them in the break
room just like on the table right, you know, like like the refrigerator
door open and like somebody's sandwich fallingout, so like just like this whole
thing of just like you know,and this Spader with his dedim code and
mirrors and her nurses outfit like he'snaked except for his Chicago bulls, Chicago

(34:04):
fulls. What the hell was theOkay, let's go back, Let's go
back, yeah, because we've gotto get into this because it's bizarre.
There's summer to Okay. So theguy who played Poindexter was called James Lally
and basically the fact that he doesn'thave a photograph on IMDb, I'm assuming
he hasn't done very much since,right, So yes, let us start.

(34:25):
We're going to be talking about criticalcare from nineteen ninety seven, which
on the surface is a move andvery often during the film is a movie
about the dilemma that well, dilemmathat both humanity but also the healthcare system
faces when a patient wants to endtheir life or when a patient's life should

(34:52):
be ended. And that's the sortof discussion that's going on throughout the film.
However, because because Spader is init and make no mistake, Matt,
he turned this into the sex rumpfast that it becomes because they got

(35:16):
the studio. Two things happened.Either Spader demanded to be in it but
only if he could make it ashorribly perverse as humanly possible, or the
studio heads saw the dailies of thefirst two scenes of him just you know,
in feline shape oozing through the hospitallike it was an exposed uterus or

(35:42):
something, clinging to the walls withhis weirdly clammy suction cup hands and his
engaged face. And that's that's howSpader treats this whole film like it's his,
like it's his slave to be oiledup and had his wayward. And

(36:06):
so it takes the movie. Ittakes the movie into weird directions because the
Spader storyline is very fastal and ridiculous, and then the Helen Mirren storyline has
some like really dark yes, youknow, you know, almost problematic issues
throughout it, and being a deafhand at weed at weaving dark and light

(36:32):
throughout his movies. Sidney Lumay isnot a deft hand at all. In
fact, he's atrocious at it.What Sidney Sidney loo May is good at
doing is filming a conversation across adesk with the widest lens possible, so

(36:57):
that even though they're just across thedesk, one of them is out of
focus and one of them is infocus. And he does this twice throughout
the film. That's what Sydney Lumeyis good at doing, weaving the intricate
palette of you know, nonsensical sex, fat and harrowing discussion about cancer and

(37:20):
loss of body parts. That isHelen Mirren's storyline. He is not good
at doing that, Matt. Sowe are stuck with what Critical Care inevitably
will become, which is just aseries of skipping stones from one madness to
another, orchestrated by mister lung lenshimself, Sidney Loomy, who is known

(37:46):
for you know, Surperco, DogDay Afternoon Network, Murder on the Orient
Express, a bunch of movies inthe seventies. He also believe it or
not, that directed The Whiz.I had no idea when when they were
making The Wiz, who went,oh, I know, gets say Loo

(38:07):
May to come on down because becausewho wouldn't know, you know what I
mean? The African experience, AfricanAmerican experience more than a fucking Frenchman.
I don't know Theseeen twenty four right, So so yeah, he sort of
does a bunch of stuff in theseventies, then in the eighties and into

(38:28):
the nineties. It's it's really youknow, you're only following loo may you
know if if you are a Loomaeaddict, you know at this point you
know what I mean. And thenhe does movies that you wouldn't even think
of him doing, like Family Business, Guilty of Sin, the Larry Cohen
scripted what was meant to be likean erotic thriller and what turns out to

(38:52):
be one of the most tedious courtroomdramas you've ever sat through. And this
is what I remember now, iswell, what in Guilty of Sin?
Which I have as because I'm aLarry Cohen completist, Yeah, Guilty of
Sin? And also because Rebecca deMournay, I mean that's Rebecca de Mournay.

(39:13):
I mean, she is dor Monetdelicious, it's whatever. She's the
she's the nineties go to she.She even made the video for Starships Sarah
Better because she's in the video forthat song that song. For the most
part, it's one of those Eightiesfor me. There are very few eighties
songs that I skip right, butand Sarah would be one of those skips,

(39:37):
like the Jeffrey like like, butbut her being in the video,
it's just yeah, it's just youknow, yeah, yeah, but it's
funny. Yes again, lou Mayhere manages to take a movie with fucking
Don Johnson and Rebecca de Mournay twomore soap opera good looking uh you know,

(40:00):
Weirdly, American people do not existexcept for Rebecca de Morney and Don
Johnson. They are perfectly poised tobe the simmering, moist love nest of
the summer of ninety three. Instead, Loo May marches in with his rat

(40:21):
focus and his madness and sucks allthe sensuality out of the room. And
that's what made me think of incritical care. I was like, why
have I been here before? Andnow I realize what it is. It's
the disappointment of watching a nineteen ninetythree Rebecca de Monte Don Johnson sizzling crime
sexathon and then realizing there is nolike remotely interesting sex in it at all,

(40:45):
and it's all about like the legalputting the other the legal system on
trial or whatever, and I'm suddenlylike putting this together with critical care because
it's Lomay being like, I'm reallygoing to tear the legal system and you,
and then he's I'm really going totear the new healthcare blah blah blah,
a new one. You know,it's the May boxing way above his

(41:07):
weight. But you know, Imean, look, he's a renowned seventies
director that somehow slipt into making justbizarrely questionable films for the rest of his
career. He also managed to againcompletely unsex Sharon Stone in the movie Gloria,

(41:29):
where you know they tried to makethe front cover all sexy, but
you know it's a Sidney Lamay movie, so don't hold out for any actual
rumpy Pumpy because rumpy pumps Loumey wouldnot do until, ironically enough, his
last movie, Before the Devil KnowsYou're Dead suddenly and Before the Devil Knows
You're Dead, there is like afull frontal from behind Marisa TomEE Poundtown,

(41:54):
and I'm like, listen, youhad mirror and space next to each other,
and you wait till you've got PhillipSima Hoffman and Marissa Tomay. I
mean Tomy, no question, butSeema Hoffman, I can't even I think
that's what Lovey was doing. He'slike, I'm gonna go full front of,

(42:15):
but I'm gonna go, I'm gonnago Philip Sema Hoffman full frontal and
fuck you all. Lou May justlighting a tender box running out of the
room. Well, you know,I was looking at Loubay's career and I
was like, what have I seenof his I haven't seen Network, which
I know. I think it's supposedto be like his best, that's the
one that people look at. It'shis best. But I seen Surper Coat,
Dog Day Afternoon, Twelve Angry Men, Yeah those are all Yeah,

(42:37):
twelve Angry Men, those are allhis best as well. Yeah yeah.
But the other one that I've seena long time ago and I need to
see it again it's been forever wasPrince of the City with Treat Williams from
like eighty three, and that onewas a really good one as well.
And I think it's probably why myhead I think of Sidney Lubay as like

(42:58):
being like on the level of likeall the great au tours, because I've
only ever seen his good movies rightright, like like and you look at
his his his bio, and he'sgot he does like a movie. He's
almost like Woody Allen. It seemslike he does like a movie a year
every other year throughout the seventies,eighties into the nineties, and I haven't
like this was the first one thatI'd seen that wasn't like this, like

(43:19):
you know, like not Oscar nominatedkind of thing or kind of you know.
And I mean I do think AlbertBrooks, like if you look at
the year of ninety seven, likewho is getting nominated for Best Supporting Actor,
I think he deserved to not benominated. But he turns in that
kind of performance, Like he turnson quite a scene stealing performance. His
performance in this movie is fantastic.It's there are two or three performances in

(43:42):
Critical Care that that I am generallyor genuinely grabbed by, uh, you
know, Spider outstanding, because Spidergrabs me, whether I want it or
not. The cheese exactly. Oh, your little cheesy, slazy monkey grab
me, whether I gave you apermission or not. That's just Spader.
We give him a pass because he'sJames Spader, the other weird pop culture

(44:07):
reference that I don't think we've everbrought up here. But I think it's
either in the first or in allof the Spader episodes. I think it's
either in the first or the secondepisode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Sarah
Michelle Galla. And when did thatstart? Let's I want to figure out
when I was in college. Iwant to say, like ninety seven.
I think I was a freshman incollege, ninety seven, ninety eight.

(44:27):
The TV series, the TV Iwant to say it was nineteen ninety seven.
All right, So let's just I'mgoing to look at this right now.
Let's good. In nineteen ninety seven, what are we talking here,
We're talking two Days in the ValleyDrift, which was ninety six, Two
Days in the Valley Driftwood, Keysto Tulsa, and Critical Care. No.
But however, in the first seriesof Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when

(44:52):
I think Cordelia is quizzing Buffy tosee if she's like a cool check or
not, she says, I thinkCordelia, I can't believe I can remember
this shit. I can't remember whathappened yesterday, but I can remember this
fucking nonsense, this fucking mad collegeera nonsense. Anyway, Cordelia says something

(45:13):
to Buffy like James Spader as aquestion mark and you don't know, Oh,
look, which way is she goingto go? Which way would a
cool kid go? And Buffy goes, oh, yeah, he totally needs
to call me or something like that. Right, that's something like that,
right, And then they have abonding moment about how hot Spader is.
So there's two possibilities there, right, Well, because actually, weirdly enough,

(45:37):
if you look at the lead upto ninety seven, so Buffy comes
out in ninety seven, so let'sassume that the stuff they're talking about happens
ninety six and before I'm just tryingto be fair to old Spades here,
Right, you've got Stargate, Crashand Two Days in the Valley, Right,
and then before Stargate you have WolfDream, Music of Chance, whatever.

(46:00):
So I guess in ninety seven,being like for Spader, that means
two things. It means one,you've seen weird James Spader movies, like
your two high school girls who havehappened to like Groove to Crash and Two
Days in the Valley two movies thehigh school girls should not be watching.

(46:22):
I mean, well, no,watch whatever you want, but you know
what I mean, it just doesan American high school girl and sitting down
to toke one out to Crash doesn'tmake a lot of sense. But I
think what we're learning is Joss Whedonprobably watched Crash two Days in the Valley
and thought, who would be acool guy from the girls in my high
school to think was hot? Sothere's a lot. But the reason why

(46:45):
I bring all this up at isjust the name James Spader in nineteen ninety
seven was imbued with so much powerthat Weedon knew that by saying, oh,
my high school girls are going tolike James Spader, he knew the
levels. Yes, he knew that. He knew that that almost twenty years

(47:07):
well what would it be? Yeah? Ninety seven, twenty five years later
that two Debonair gentlemen such as wouldbe sat here discussing the many tears of
James Spader. By tears, Idon't mean the tears he's caused women to

(47:29):
shed. I mean the many levels, you know what I mean? Not
the many the many tears of Spaineand there wasn't that, you know what
I'm trying to say, Matt,It's a beautiful thing anyway. So yes,
Buffy weird pop culture reference, andCritical Care comes out in nineteen ninety
seven as well. So I wonderif Whedon wrote the first season that Buffy

(47:52):
was like, oh great, goesout on air and then he sees a
Spader movie coming out and he's like, oh, oh great, another Spain
movie. I reference to him.I wonder if it's and he goes to
see Critical Care. And by theend of Critical Care and ashen faced,
Joss Whedon leaves the cinema an emotionalwreck, going, I have made a

(48:15):
terrible mistake, right because I haveimbued Spada with too much power, and
what he's paid me back with isCritical Care. I mean just the scenes
with Cure Sedgwick alone. Right,It's like, you know, obviously,
you know, I don't have anykids, certainly not any daughters, let

(48:37):
alone and any kids, but youknow, imagining like like you know,
being you know, a show withhigh school girl. You know, like
as a parent, that's like everyparent's worst nightmare is that your teen daughter
is going to see James Spader behavethe way he's behaving in this movie and
imagining him being a doctor or somethinglike like that's like, you know,

(48:57):
and so yeah, he's so transgressiveof this. You wouldn't want him anywhere
near your children, or your wivesor anybody, I mean anybody, really,
I mean, you know he canhe can have the elderly, and
well he does in this movie.He works in a ward where people are
basically there to die, Yeah,and they have a large The rest of

(49:19):
the hospital, Matt looks like aperfectly normal hospital from like the nineteen seventies
and nineteen eighties but being worked onstill in the nineties kind of thing,
like like all hospitals kind of limpingon into the future. A little bits
have been updated, but not alot. But then, weirdly, and
this doesn't make any sense, Weirdly, James Spader's area, his domain looks

(49:42):
like a looks like a maze oflopian tubes and volvers whatever, just a
lot of biological vagina parts basically thathe slithers around like a like an like
a wandering sperm, deciding which roomto impregnate with his sweaty presences. Seriously,

(50:04):
that's what this looks like. Itbears no structure resemblance the rest of
the hospital at all. It livesin some kind of doctor who tardis like
netherworld in which Spader's devils do theirprowling. That's exactly what this movie takes
place there. Yeah, well,it's like I would not be surprised to
find out that fred olin Rey orJim Minorski shot like space sex romps using

(50:30):
that as the set. In fact, I would say that Spader demanded that
they use fred Oleenay, Jim Minorsky, sex space robbed, spaceship sides,
what do you call it? Sets? The sets right, he will have

(50:51):
demanded that they use those sets.Spader will have definitely demanded. And that's
why it looks like it does.It looks like the lowest budget sex like
space rom Jimwnowski movie that you've everseen. And his Spader oozing his way
through these carrids. It's like likewe get introduced to him, Like first

(51:15):
Helen Mirren is doing nurse stuff,and then she goes back to this this
space bridge set thing and there's Spaderlike half asleep with his feet up.
He's wearing with these sneakers that likeI would have bought ninety seven. I
would have got them for high school, you know, whatever Air Jordan's or
something, and like these pant andlike and then like this denim shirt something
that like a schlubby Jim Belushi wouldhave worn. You know, like two

(51:37):
sides is bigger than that, butyou know, and and he's just like
there with his hair kind of fat, and it's just and it's like everything
he's saying to Helen Mirren is justlike oohs, you know. And then
it's like like Helen Mirren is justkind of putting up with it almost like
like she's okay with it. Butit's like, like you said, it's
almost like like there's this this kindof like this oozing kind of like like
like drippiness that's coming from the chairlike while he's just there his feet up

(52:00):
and everything. Well, there waslike there was two there was there was
a scene where so Helema is thereand Spain is there behind this sort of
giant space desk, this space thatthe Julie Strain definitely has definitely dragged her
buttocks along. Julie Strain's naked assspin drenched across that in a fred O

(52:37):
and Ray Jim and Orsky movie.Oh that's also sadly making me think of
poor Peter Spellers. But he wouldlove this rant. He would love it.
He would be all about it,misshon Peter. Anyway, the nurse
walks by and stops at the deskand sort of says something and walks up,
just an innocuous, barely cute butyou know, just sort of little

(53:00):
nurse walks by, right, Andyou couldn't quite tell in his interaction with
Mirran just how sleazy this Spader wasgoing to be. You just couldn't tell,
because he was waking up, hewas yawning, he was probably concentrating
on making his eighth direction of themorning go down so that Mirn didn't catch
an eye full of it. Andso you couldn't tell in the way that

(53:25):
he was sort of waking up whetherhe was a complete scuzzy slimeball or whether
he was just a regular, normal, pouting James Spader. The moment the
nurse walked past him, he wasup on the desk like an encaged panther
waiting to pounce. He was.He was as proud and as steadfast in

(53:52):
his decision to bed all nurses asany man has ever been. And it
was then, Matt that I waslike, I'm not even kidding the moment
he did that, the moment thenurse walked past, like, there's two
Spaders are going to happen right now. It's either the one that we get,
the leaping, engaged, irrectile pantherof danger. Right it was either

(54:14):
going to be that Spader or itwas going to be I'm going to try
and do something different and be youknow, artistic and oft and weird about
it. And we were going toget one of two Spaders in that moment
because it was a Sidney Loomet joint. I didn't know we were going to
get full blown, untethered, youknow, testicles to attention Spader. And

(54:36):
that's what we got, Matt.The first half of this movie is full
blown, cannot be stopped. Hisface is a giant red penis head ready
to burst, James Spader. Andthen the second half of the movie we
get annoying, anxious, fascicle preachyJames Spader. But we'll get onto that.

(54:57):
But Matt, yes, the firsthalf of this movie delight, what
a delight. The way you describedit, the way I was thinking too,
is like you maybe have a youknow, a dog or a cat
when it's feeding time, right,and they're the animals just kind of relaxing,
kind of waiting. Yeah, butthe moment they hear like the can
or you know, the tin openand suddenly there's like food. Yeah.
Foot it was like the way heresponded to her, not like to her,

(55:19):
but also Kira Cedric, who wasdressed in like some like nixties sixties
flight attendant game. Yeah, itwas like like I don't know what she's
wearing. But the moment it waslike my cat when I was at the
can of food, just like what'sgoing on? Why you suddenly looked him
and I went, wait, isthis movie set in nineteen sixty four?
Like is this set around the timeof beetle Mania or something? I thought

(55:43):
this was about life or death inthe modern medical and then suddenly she walks
in and I'm like what Jackie,Oh, like, what's going on?
So yeah, Cura Cedric shows upand again he's like a rutting gibb.
The moment she comes to the hospitaldoors, he is just he might as
well be Spider Man, like allfour limbs on a tiny shelf with his

(56:07):
knees parted and his you know,the the pose I mean, like the
Spider Man like. He might aswell have pounced literally in mid air and
landed like a like a giant erectspider like spader Man like spader Man like

(56:28):
spader Man. Come on, now, it was there in front of us
all the time that he was Yeah, it was every time a woman came
into view. He was buoyinging aboutlike one of those toys kids used to
have where he used to press themdown. It would take a little bit
and then it would bounce. Thatwas what That's what he's like. And

(56:52):
our whole first half of this movieexcept Matt, and this again is the
fault of Sidney Lumet and I'm throwingit square, except with Helen Mirren,
who's faded, does a little likecheek peck at the very end of the
movie and they have a moment,but that should be full blown fire Matt,

(57:12):
and lou May has thrown his fireblanket all over it like a boring
professor, right because you know what'sfunny, because he did crash the year
before with Cronenberg. Kronenberg not onlywould have had the love scene, but
like when we find out too thatlike you know that that Helen Mirren's character
had the masectomy and we don't seeit, right, they just you know,
she just explains that she did toJeffrey Wright's character. But Kronenberg would

(57:34):
have been like, I want sexand with the mess sectam like he would
have one of the whole things rightlike he would. And it's kind of
funny if you think, like SidneyLumay is like, no, no,
no, he can't have sex withwith with Helen Mirren and I can't do
that, whereas like Kronenberg, Cronenbergprobably saw that and was like, wait,
how did you miss the opportunity?Loubay. Kronenberg and Loubay sat around

(57:54):
in the sort of director's lounge.There's a directors lounge somewhere, it's probably,
yeah, it's it's in Toronto.It's some sort of entirely covered in
velvet sort of amphitheater with tables onit, where they kind of loosely lie

(58:16):
around in smoking jackets and waspy scarves. And Cronenberg would slither over to loo
May and be like, how doyou miss that one? Loo May?
How do you miss Helen Mirren?Body horror and weird sex with James Spader.
It's served up to you right therein the script and while it happens,

(58:40):
have Albert Brooks in his bad oldman maker looking through the thing and
yelling about make sure Helen Mirren hashealth insurance. And so this this is
the scene we wish we got MattSadly we was stuck with the loo May

(59:01):
I should critic cat rather than creditbag the idea of credit back. You
missed the check that loom May Godjust handed to you on a silver PLATEA
we fucked it up, your stupidFrenchman just let you to run away from
something. Yeah, I mean itwas the perfect you know, like just

(59:25):
talking about it because I didn't realizeuntil I saw because I was like,
one, Like, it's weird becauseit's like they both take place. They
both were shot in Toronto, right, and it is almost like they almost
kind of feel like they're in thisthey're inhabiting the same space. It's almost
like the like like Spader's just inthis universe of just like just you know,
playing these different parts that are inToronto. It's like, yeah,

(59:45):
I feel like he just just youknow, we just need more directors to
make like you know, shot onfilm ninety style independent films with Spader in
Toronto. Definitely that whoever Helen meor whoever it is. But yeah,
whoever it is, I would watchthem now, Matt. Yeah, like
Spader looking like a wee ble uhwell he does James s Baden basically,

(01:00:07):
ever since doing Boston Legal, notonly has not been able to just hold
anything normally everything he's done since BastaLegal when he holds something. At one
point, there's a bit in KileSedwick's apartment where she's handed him a picture
frame and then she starts breaking downand crying and he's just standing holding this

(01:00:30):
picture frame and he sort of looksat it like he's just like, how
do I what do I do withthis? Like he just has no concept
of things and props. So eversince Boston Legal, where he played you
know, the most sleaziest, youknow, slithery character he's ever played with,
the most purse lipsy and the mosttongue lashing and the most ridiculous delivery

(01:00:54):
line delivery. I love Boston Legal. I love it so much. I
watch it all the time. Buthe's managed much like that. There's always
that one role for Jeff Bridges,it's the Big Lebowski. He's never quite
been able to go back to justbeing Jeff Bridges. Everything he's done since
The Big Lebowski, it's the BigLebowski. And like when Johnny Depp did

(01:01:16):
Fear and Loathing Las Vegas, everythingafter that was Huntress time. He just
couldn't get rid of the ghost ofHunter S. Thompson, probably because he
lived with him for like a yearand a half and probably spent the whole
time doing this with his hands,and then by the time, by the
time he finished the movie, thisis just what Johnny Depp did with his

(01:01:36):
hands all the time. Well,by the way, if you want to
see that performance of Johnny dap Hans, you have to subscribe to the Patreon
for at least a dollar show.So if you do that, you get
the full video version of the podcastas well. But if you don't do
that, I'm sorry, it's justthe audio and you don't get to see
me do Johnny dap Hans. ButMatt got to see it and there was

(01:01:58):
a beauty but no, So Ithink it's a bit like that with Spader.
Once he's done a little bit ofBoston Legal I think that's it.
It's it's so because by the timeyou get to Age of Ultron and the
Black Age of Ultron, and we'recovering it later with mo so I'm not
going to talk about it too muchnow, but Age of Ultron he manages

(01:02:22):
to make sort of an the embryonicrobot, the robot that first comes out
where it's all dripping with oil andit's all slightly like bent over or whatever,
like the first incarnation of Ultron rightwhere where he makes it look like
the the oil drum zombie from aReturn of the Living Dead, where he
makes it look just oozing and whatever. He manages to imbue a robot like

(01:02:47):
an embryonic robot with like weird sexappear and you just and slithery cat like
puppet puppet without its strings sort ofrag dull movements, and you're like,
Spader has done something to the MarvelCinematic universe that no amount of Chris Hemsworth
will ever be able to wipe clean. Because Spader came out and was like,

(01:03:12):
I know, I'm just a badguy robot, but really I'm here
to fuck everything, you know whatI mean. Like he was just so
o and then did you see himin his motion capture suits in the behind
the scenes thing, Oh my god. Plus plus, why do you get
the behind the seed stuff? Itlooks like a paink potato in a wetsuit.
It's it's one of the most unappealingthings you've ever seen in your life,

(01:03:36):
because he's portly now as gentlemen.Yet I'm portly mad. I'm not
going to knock portly, but Ithink he acted next to William Shatner.
Saw that William Shantner was any minutenow going to balloon like like a sausage
pumped rapidly with air right his facecasing almost split. I mean, shatter

(01:04:06):
is so ridiculous and past I legal. But Spader basically became Shatner. And
by the time he's in the Blacklist, he's having to wear fourteen scarves and
a lot of baggy loosh suits andsmoking jackets just to cover up the paunch.
But now he's got this big,shaved, just gross head and it's

(01:04:30):
just now, it's just like agiant glowing head of Spader coming at you
with his lips all quivery and tongueall smacking. And that's not a vision
anyone wants to see. But likethat movie that Avengers, you know,
Age of Wols are like compared tothe other Avengers movies that were just like

(01:04:50):
these big, you know, overthe top kind of like you know,
spectacles of film that like, youknow, we hadn't really seen before.
It was like that that Age ofAll Turn one. It would have completely
been an afterthought as far as theAvengers movies go if it wasn't for Spader
voicing that robot. And it's like, I mean he's like like it sounds
like he's exasperated half the time,like he just doesn't want to be dealing

(01:05:11):
with Robert Downey Junior's character or whatever. And I guess they're they're friends in
real life and stuff, but it'slike the way he's just like he says,
like, oh, just get awayfrom me, iron Man or just
you know, it's like I can'tbe bothered with any of this, you
know. And it's like, Imean, play everything like a slightly camp
butler from an episode of Upstairs Downstairsexactly exactly. It's like like we haven't
had a Marvel villain like that,Like like the two craziest Marvel villains we've

(01:05:35):
gotten are him doing that that theUltron and then like Mickey work in the
second Iron Man, right, andit's like the movies they've gotten so big
that they just don't know how tocome They don't know how to bring that
energy back. Now, you know, that was Downey Junior like basically giving
his pals a lot of like I'mnot kidding if he could have swung it.

(01:05:58):
It's the only thing that people understandingabout Danny Junior is he still friends
with mel Gibson and he has avery personal reason for still being friends with
mel Gibson, which he has voiceda lot. Mel Gibson basically helped get
him sober and you know, puthim up and got him even back into
films and got him insured when otherpeople wouldn't, et cetera, et cetera.
Like if someone had done that forme. You know, even if
he is a hold anti Semi whoyou know, believes the end of the

(01:06:25):
world is fire, brimstone and whatever. I don't know what mel Gibson thinks,
but he's you know, misogynistic,mad bustard. However, if he
saved my life, I might beI might still send him a Christmas card
back. That might be I mightnot be shouting him out and praising him
in award ceremonies, but you knowwhatever, Danny Jr. I'm coming for

(01:06:47):
you. I'm going to be thenew Spader to your Iron. But no,
it's it's anyway. But going backto Critical Care, it feels like
from his first movie to his last, he has been building up to the
because he's sort of he's sort ofJohn cusacked, but he's also sort of

(01:07:10):
Nicholas caged in the sense that he'sbecome a parody of himself. And we're
sort of okay with that. We'reokay that he became because when we saw
him do it originally, and likePretty in Pink, where he's kind of
slithering around and like he looks likea thirty year old prowling a high school
for young virginal you know, chorusgirls. Anyway, because I swear that

(01:07:35):
the character Pretty and Pick is thesame character in Less than Zero and all
he's doing is Pretty and Pig iscoming away from his crack den to hang
out at high school and maybe flogsome drugs to people. Because it's the
same character. When you watch themback to back, it's a very disturbing
vision, but he's taken it fromthere where you kind of go oh yeah.

(01:07:58):
Occasionally Spader does that weird sexy thingwe all and we all feel a
little awkward and then we get onwith our lives. Well, in what
he's actually done is he's taken thaton board and just decided every single film,
whether it calls for it or not. Like Two Days in the Valley,
he's an assassin. There's no reasonfor him to be sexual at all,

(01:08:24):
not at all, but Spader decidesto straddle his victims and you know,
have an outrageous sexy with Charlie's theRun. How the fuck did James
Spader swing it? Man? Heswung theorun. Who would have guessed that
he would have swung theoron because Iguess she was so new in the in
the business at that time, right, Like it was like an initiation,

(01:08:46):
right, because he did the samething with Deborah Kara Hunger. She was
very new and it was I heardLambert both did, right because Lambert,
you know the Highlanders three, theNew Dimension where they have this huge sex
scene. It's like Deborah Carringer,She's like New Invids, Like, all
right, I'll have sex with bothof them, don't with fucking Lambert?
Jesus, can you imagine that weever lived in a world where we all

(01:09:10):
just openly tolerated Christopher Lambert? No, I'm sorry, I'm not just gonna.
And the funny thing is, Matt, I've watched a lot of Lambert
movies. I bought Fortress Too onDVD today, but that was for Panbrea.
Matt, you know, exactly right, exactly, but we all just

(01:09:30):
tolerated Lambert, you know, Imean, Jean Claude van Dam is better
than Lambert. And some people don'teven tolerate Sean Claude van Dam, which
is a mistake, but because whodoesn't love a little van Damage? You
know, what did the old poodlecuddling Belgian ever do to you? All
right? Matt? Sorry, youwere going to say something about chronicle care.

(01:09:54):
So we've barely got past the nursegoing past and leaping up like a
panther. Yeah right now, Yeah, we've just gotten to where he meets
Kira Sedgwick and oh, yes,she's dressed like a sixties flight attendant,
which think they would have been stewardessback then. Yes, so now it's
a flight attendant but I think eventhe nineties, we still would have said

(01:10:14):
stewardess. I think, right,yeah, yeah, I mean maybe.
I mean, you know, nowwe're being told as derogatory terms for the
people who bring your little tiny crackersup plates, Like, all right,
what is it you want to becalled? Oh, you're flight attendant.
You're attending the flight. Well I'mattending the flight as well. Technically,
technically we're all attendants because we're allhere. Anyway, Sorry, I know

(01:10:35):
that's not what it means. Anyway, Yes, go ahead, Matt.
Sorry, well, lookcuse he meetsKira's sedgewick, and we don't know fully
what her game is at this point, but we just know that he is
talking about the Oh oh, Iforgot. I forgot about the part where
he tells Helenmuir that he was anerd in high school but now he's a
doctor. He's a nerd who getslate because he's a doctor. And we're

(01:10:58):
like, there's no way on earththat you were a nerd in high school.
There's only one nerdy character that Iknow that you've ever played, which
is in Mannequin, where you playagainst type and even you imbue him with
a slimy, sleazy, questionable sexualattitude and so and you're like, you
couldn't be a nerd if you triedSpader, you came out of the womb

(01:11:23):
with a floppy blonde fringe and peoplehave been swooning it. If he ever
since you a mad busting well,because like if you read his bio,
he traces his lineage back to likethe seventeenth century of like people coming from
England to Yes And he's like hangingout with John F. Kennedy Junior as
a kid, and you know JackieO, you know, entertaining him and

(01:11:47):
John Junior at her place in theUpper east Side. It's like like you
know, like like that was hislife and it's the one thing of him
as an actor he would never beable to pull off nerdy, Like he's
you know, going to Phillips AndoverAcademy with with John Junior's Yes. Well,
that's why that's why he's so badlycast in White Palace, because White

(01:12:09):
Palace he's meant to be part ofit. Well, first of all,
he's meant to be Jewish. Secondly, he's part of meant to be like
a big part of a Jewish fraternity. And thirdly, the whole point of
it is is that he's meant tobe like this little nebushy, quiet,
nervous, anxious Jewish kid, andshe's meant to be an over the hill,
you know, sort of middle agedwaitress in a sleazy cafe, and

(01:12:33):
they're meant to have a thing foreach other, Like it's meant to be
a coming of age story for himand a sort of one last hurrah for
her, And it's like that's whatthe book was probably about. And then
but in the movie they cast JamesSpader and Susan Sarandon, and suddenly Spader
is lying on a mattress waving asandwich around while naked Susan Sarandon and just

(01:12:57):
swing their spades Sarandon and while sheis cavolting on top of him like he's
got a fifty foot dong. Andso suddenly the nevis shy thing and the
over the hill, you know,sort of burnt out Hollywood film star kind
of look waitress is suddenly like youngand sexyes Susan Sarandon. There's probably about

(01:13:20):
three years between them, and suddenlyyou lose all. His best friend in
the movie is played by Jason Alexanderlike he he it should the lead character
should be a Seinfeld type, youknow, yes, well yeah, because
that's the thing, right is that? Like you said, like like I
mean Spader was born in nineteen sixtyand throughout the eighties he's playing these high

(01:13:42):
school kids. Yeah, when whenhe was not in high school in the
eighties, he was in high schoolin the seventies. Yes, And I
mean there were some other ones likethat, like like Jed Nelson was one
that they you know, was bornand he's born in sixty sixty one,
so so you know, in Robertoryyou just close in ages. But it's
like for him, I think,more than any Michael J. Fox didn't
play his first high school in amovie scene until he was forty eight,

(01:14:04):
right. But it's like Spader,more than any of them, did not
look like a teenager, like lookpretty and pink. When he's just sitting
in his dad's like you know,mansion in Chicago or whatever, and he's
just laying there with his feathered escabawaspy pablo exactly, it was like what

(01:14:26):
high school has this guy say helloto my tiny compatriot exactly right, It's
like like what you know, Imean, like like Andrew McCarthy and him
about the same age. Andrew McCarthylooked more like he was in high school.
And it's like like James Peeder lookedlike he was ten years older than
Andrew McCarthy. There, you know, Well, that's what I'm saying.
His character Pretty and Pink could soeasily be the same character that he plays

(01:14:51):
in Less than Zero, because Iwould totally if someone went, well,
did you is his name Blaine oris that Andrew? No? No,
oh, you're right now, Ithink that is Andrew McCarthy. His is
Steph. Steph. That's not agood enough name for him. He should
have been called, you know,Volver or something anyway, he should have
been called like Leonard or something sexythat he could have been like Leonard that

(01:15:16):
like rolled the element anyway, whatwas the thing? Yes, so you
could well believe that Steph in uh, you know, Pretty in Pink,
you know, had a sideline wherehe got heroin addicts to blow men for
money to pay for more Heroin,which is a thing that he tries to

(01:15:38):
make Robert Danny Junior do in themovie. Right, I fully believe that
Steph is just trying to find moreyoung impressionable men in high school. And
that the backstory to pretty and Pick, meaning the story that's happening behind the
action we're watching where you know,we have a will they won't they between

(01:15:59):
fucking John fucking Crier being the mostannoying person on the planet and Molly Ringwold,
when really what we want to bewatching is Annie Potts and Judd Nelson
or someone or no, James Spader. What we want to be watching is
Annie pots and James Spader, Andwhat we're actually watching is fucking John cry
and Molly Ringwold and you you're somethinginside you dies. But what's going on

(01:16:24):
behind the scenes that we don't knowabout is that he is recruiting young men
to be part of his rent boyheroin fuel Crabshack or whatever it is running
up in Upstate New York with thewith the fucking Kennedy's or whatever. Like,

(01:16:45):
I just believe that that's James Spader. I don't believe he's playing cap
right well because because because the thingis, like you said, the Giant
Crier thing, it's like again goingback to like the Buffy and not wanting
your your teen daughter to be youknow, thinking that James Spader is a
good doctor, right, you know, like you know, you know,
you want your team done anywhere nearthat, like John Cryer. It's like

(01:17:09):
any p s A about like likestockers or you know, overly clinging lovers
early, like any PSA telling kidslike, hey, this is not healthy
behavior. Right, it's John Cryercalling Molly Ringwall, you know. And
it's like Harry Dean Stanton doesn't seemto care too much, but it's like
it's like, right, you justwant you you want James Spader to just
kind of like squish him, youknow. But everyone else in this movie

(01:17:30):
was like knee deep in cocaine,rock music and prostitutes. Everyone else,
Harry Dean Stanton was only doing themovie so we could afford all of those
things, and uh, you know, and James Spader was definitely or James
Spader comes with his own trailer filledwith cocaine and prostitutes at this time in
his career. He just backs upa trailer. The lads back up the

(01:17:55):
trailer, just back up Spade.Anyway, Critical care, critical care.
So there is there are two twothree rooms that we're focused on. Three
rooms, so two rooms, mainlytwo rooms, Room two and Room five.

(01:18:15):
Room five is an old guy whoeveryone in the entire medical profession has
said he is a complete vegetable.He will never ever ever get better,
he will never ever walk again,sing again, looking at whatever. He
has no brain, he's not consciousanything. He's a complete vegetable that's been
kept alive with a breathing apparatus atthe moment. And then the other one

(01:18:38):
is a guy who I think we'relearned to believe like through his own reckless
nature, in his own bad life, has lost his not his lungs,
his kidneys. He's lost his kidneysand is basically slowly dying. They can't
even give him water properly and itwould shock his system, and blah blah

(01:18:59):
blah blah blah, like this somuch horribly going wrong with this guy,
and he wants to die and thesystem won't let him die. And then
with the other guy who should bedead, he has two daughters that won't
let him die. And one ofthem is Carrosedgwick, and one of them
is Margot Martindale. Margot Martindale isthe sort of Jesus freak or presumed presumed

(01:19:24):
Jesus freak who claims that her fatheris squeezing her hand and answering questions and
all this other stuff when he isn't. And Carros Cedriwick is the I just
want the money from my dad's willsort of what's the word like black widow
kind of character where she's going toseduce her way into getting what she wants.

(01:19:49):
So the as we said before,the sort of this fascal element,
and then there's this serious element,and the serious element is really about the
discussion about how life should end andwho should get to decide how a life
ends and blah blah blah blah blah. And then you know, with other
digs at the healthcare system thrown in, and then the fascal side of it

(01:20:13):
is, you know, basically likewill Spader lose everything? You know what's
going on with this these sisters Will'syou know, Carrie Cedric has filmed James
Spader and her getting it on andat the beginning of it, she's convinced
him to tell her to have herfather killed, and it's this whole thing
over and over again, and he's, you know, got a lie his

(01:20:38):
way out of this or figure outanother more inconceivably ridiculous way out of it,
which he manages to do, Mattand believe everyone gets what they want.
But then it's all undercut by ahorrible, horrible, horrible religious kind
of sub meassage as well, whichwe can get into. But yeah,

(01:21:00):
that's that's basically it, right,I kind of covered most. Yeah,
So the big piece, right,I guess is that Spader allows he thinks
he's seducing heure Cedric, but reallyit's the other way around. And she,
like you said, she gets himto say he should kill the father
the father, and then the ideais that he she wants him to testify
on her behalf, yes, eventhough she's suing the hospital and the hospital,

(01:21:25):
so like that's where he could losehis job and his residency and all
that is because he would be essentiallytestifying and gets his boss. And Albert
Brooks is the kind of the maniacalhospital head who wants to keep this guy
alive as well, because he's gettinglike one hundred thousand dollars a month from
the insurance. So yes, yes, so's it's all I mean, actually,
like again, as we go throughit, that's all kind of clever

(01:21:46):
and and sort of well woven andwell done. It's just I think Sidney
Lumey just lou mays it up abit too much, I think, and
and sort of slowly ruined. Ithink, right because the pacing wasn't there,
and the slapstick wasn't there, andthe satire wasn't there, and then

(01:22:10):
there wasn't a sure hand behind this. But when you start to sort of
describe it, and you start tosort of think, well, name another
movie that throws just so much,you know, everything from theology to philosophy
to you know, human nature towhatever, like all this stuff that it

(01:22:30):
weaves into the movie. You know, on paper, it makes sense why
everyone was excited to do this becauseit does, sort of, in its
best way, attempt to cover thearguments from all angles. Yeah, yeah,
which, yeah, definitely the casethere. I agree with you there,
like and I think that the peoplewe get. I mean, you

(01:22:51):
know, Jeffrey Wright is playing theyounger guy who's kidney kidney failure. He's
just coming off doing Basket At whichwas a fantastic movie. He's playing who's
twenty three, even though he's likein his thirties, but but still he's
he's he's great in that role.Like he said, you get to see
Helen Mirren's tatars right right, Exactly, we don't because it's directed by Loo

(01:23:14):
May right, but Jeffrey Wright getsthe sample of the tatars and good good
to you, Jeffrey Wright. Yes, you were robbed of the oscar my
friend. Well, because yeah,like Albert Brooks as like the hospital head,
like like his it's the kind ofperformance that like could potentially, you

(01:23:35):
know, you've you know, we'veseen those kind of performances get nominated for
Best Supporting Actor. The thing iswhen you get nineteen ninety seven, you
get people like Robert Forster, youknow, for Jackie Brown. I mean
that there was a deep year thatlike he wasn't gonna you know, he
didn't know, you know, hewasn't that good to beat up his names.
I wish the makeup had been slightlybetter. He's a little he's a

(01:23:57):
little you know, like pizza faultlooks like at the beginning of The Princess
Bride, where you kind of go, I know, he's only in one
scene, but you could have donea slightly better, you know, aging
job. And that was funny becausePeter FK was already quite old at that
point, but they still felt likethey need to age him further. And
you know, and so he kindof Albert Brooks kind of looks like that

(01:24:19):
in this in this movie. He'sgot a little bit of the Geppetto in
Pinocchio kind of look about him.But I love everything he's doing, and
I even like his bit of businessand be like, all right, so
how can I help you? He'slike, you beeped me right right right,
don't make you know, don't makea joke. Like. I liked
all that, like, and hekept saying it over and over again.

(01:24:40):
I thought that was really well done. I really enjoyed that. And there
was one bit, Oh my god, I wish I could remember it,
but you know how like they woulddo a scene and then it would basically
cut and then the rest of thefilm would carry on. Uh, and
there was always like a little jokeybutton on each scene. Oh man,
there was one that Albert Brooks didthat was so clearly improvised, but was
also just like, oh my god, Albert Brooks is a genius. And

(01:25:02):
I can't remember what it was,Oh damn it. Everyone will have to
watch the movie. It was itwas? It was it earlier? It
was like, was it was thefirst meeting with Spader or was it one
of the ones later? I thinkit was the second, the third.
I think it was the third meetingwas the one whe where he tells Spader
not to go down and help outthe nineteen year old the head boon,

(01:25:23):
because you know, what's what's thepoint he doesn't have insurance. We're wasting
our time or whatever in Spader's likethat. It was one where they were
talking about a woman, I thinkmaybe one of the daughters or something,
and they were talking and I think, oh, that could be okay because
it was sort of an innuendo.I think it was something about wives and
doctors don't mix or something. Iforget what it was. Yeah, married

(01:25:45):
kid, you know, but whatever, mother in law's am I right?
Anyway? So uh yeah. Sobut the first time of the movie,
before James Spader is entralled in trappedin what do they what do they call
that a hot box? What arethey once they called when you're trapped by
a lust for a woman? Oh? Oh, I don't know. That's

(01:26:10):
a I don't know. Yeah,but anyway, that's he's been hoodwinked whatever
they call it. Well, hideshake What I love when he gets shake
hide. Is it like they're havinglike their their love making scene. I
mean, I mean the way thatlove making scene stuffs were like, she
goes wrong in so many ways becauseshe when they got to dinner, you
know, she suddenly is dressing inlike a more modern outfit. Right,

(01:26:31):
She's not dressed like a sixties flightattendant. You know, she looks like
a seventies looks like like she lookslike she looks like Sharon Stone and Casino
from the seventies sequences, right exactly, Yes, there it good job back.
So when they go back, she'slike, come back to my place,
why don't we go? Like,and he's like, of course,
you know, and and of coursehe's like slobbering over her the entire dinner,

(01:26:55):
right, I mean, he's justlike eating his food, and he's
like the way he sat in thechair, he sat in the chair like
it was his like his head wasthe top of an erect penis that had
been clothed in like baggy handkerchiefs tomake it look like he was wearing a

(01:27:15):
suit. That's how Spader looked wherehe sat in the chair kind of like
like he was sort of like halfsliding off the chair, but also half
kind of like leaning forward like alike a rotting mongoose. It was everything
about it was that dinner sequence,Matt that was obscene because it pans from

(01:27:35):
the most harrowing scene in the moviewhere Helen Mirren tells Jeffrey Wright that she
knows his pain and that she's beenthere, and she actually exposes homosectomy to
Jeffrey Wright and and says, so, I know what it's going through,

(01:27:55):
because you're getting the idea that Maren'sgoing to probably help kill this guy.
Yeah, you know, put himout of his misery, which, by
the way, should be everyone's legalright, fuck Christianity. So anyway,
so anyway, Yeah, so reallyharring scene. You know, Jeffrey Wright
can barely like speak or hear oranything. He's dying. She is literally

(01:28:21):
bearing her entire soul to him.And it immediately slam cuts because loo May
has all poise and sophistication of fuckingHey of a fucking Viley Cyrus video.

(01:28:42):
He has all the depth sophistication,and he slam cuts from the most harring
scene in the movie to like Spadersin gorge shiny reptilian face, oozing fluids
and flapping its lips, had hada clown makeup. Chirocentric dressed like shoustones

(01:29:06):
for the nineteen seventies. It's slamcuts from one of the most emotional moments
to fucking pantomime theater of the highestorder, and it's like, too is
It's Spader's character is supposed to havebeen up for thirty six hours, right
and all he's been up mat It'slike he's just like right, It's like

(01:29:30):
it's like a priapism kind of situationwhere he's just like, I need to
get this woman some location. Yes, I can just stick my penis in
any orfice, anything that we'll doat this point, whatever, it will
work here. I just need toget there. I will have a massive
coronary if I don't have sex withChirocentric right now, will I will in

(01:29:53):
fact, quite knowingly put my entirelife, career and few on the line
for Kira Sedwig, which look nooffense to Kevin Bacon. They live near
me by the way, the Bacon'sor the Sedgwigs. Maybe he took her
name, let's not judge, wedon't know. Maybe behind closed doors,

(01:30:15):
He's like, yes, Missus Sedgwick, Yes, three bags full of Missus
Cedric, because she's wearing like somesort of series of bags. She's just
wearing three placed bags. I don'tknow what they do behind closed doors.

(01:30:35):
That's up to Kevin Bacon and CoASedgwick. They are legally allowed to do
whatever they want to on their propertyas long as they're not hurting or harming
another human being or an animal insome sort of sexually defent way. So
I don't know what they call eachother. But I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

(01:31:01):
I if I'm James Spader, I'mnot putting it all on the line
for Sedgwick. I don't care howmuch French lingerie loo May has dulled me
up in because you know that's looMay. That's got a whiff of Parisian.
Uh. You know red light distancela paingale in Paris. Why do

(01:31:21):
you know what the red light districtscalled in Paris? CHOHn, don't don't
ask that question. No, it'sbecause there's a French movie called Lapagil.
Anyway, Yes, I don't know. I really don't know what I'm saying
red light districts in Paris. That'swhere this film should THEO, I guess,
because out comes Sedgwick and then she'slike, then she's really gross about

(01:31:45):
it, because she goes, he'sall making out with her, and then
she goes, now it's your turntake off your pants. And suddenly you
go, oh, please, don't, please, don't make me see like
Spader's ass or something. And suddenlyyour stomach has turned. If Sentrick could,
if centric had done anything for yourstomach, either positively or just neutrally,

(01:32:06):
suddenly your stomach has turned because you'vegone off. I don't have to
see Spade his knees. I don'twant to see Spade his knees. Well,
the other part of it is isthat where did he get this idea.
He's wearing these bulky basketball sneakers rightlike where it allows him to prowl.

(01:32:28):
It's what allows him to slither itright, because it's kind of the
padding on the heel and stef right, so for jumping right, for being
able to jump in a basketball game, he can kind of move around.
But the thing is he tries totake his pants off over these sneakers.
The sneakers are like three times thesize of his foot, like he's not
gonna you need to take, youknow. And he realized that, you
know, so that he can dothe not very funny prapful of But the

(01:32:51):
other thing though, that got me, and I feel like this was this
was Spader improvisation. I don't thinkSydney Lumee would have directed this or the
distal in the script or anything,but cutndering it. They're in her apartment
and they're at her couch and shejust goes, oh, hold me,

(01:33:12):
and she's such She's like, oh, please hold me. He has one
arm round her back, the otherharm but the other hand firmly placed on
her buttocks, and it's just like, I mean, it's it's the most
like for him, almost the mostcasual thing, like of course I'm holding
you and putting your you know,and and she just sort of acts with
it, like she just kind ofjust does it because she's, you know,

(01:33:33):
her character is supposed to be seducinghim anyway, so she's like,
fine, he's doing the work forme, I guess. But when he
did that, I was just likeI can't, like like it's just I
don't know that I could imagine anotheractor doing that in that scene, but
also in the previous scenes before theyeven got to the Dynner scene, the
dinner scene, which by the way, is way more orgasmic than anything that

(01:33:55):
happens in the pot in the apartment. But prior to this, we've seen
this scene with Carrocentric in the hospitalwhere they've kind of gone around rooms and
they're sort of talking to each other, during which Spader does three or four
of the most unpleasant and unasked forhand touches to parts of cares cedric.

(01:34:18):
Like at this point he's just adoctor. They haven't asked each other out
for a date. There's been nolike subtle indication that they want each other
whatever. But he, like arutting stallion, is all over her,
like flyers on shit right with it, and he does this sort of you
know what I mean, like thissort of slithery palm like the palm lands

(01:34:41):
first, and then the hand kindof curves lasciviously around whatever shoulder, rub,
butter, kip, back or whateverthat Spader has decided to cup on
this particular instance. But he doesthis like three he does a knee touch.
I think he does a show totouch. I think he does like
a backpat or something, yes,And it's all obscene. So by the

(01:35:04):
time you then get through dinner whereI mean he is if his underwear is
completely full. By the end ofthat dinner conversation, he can barely talk.
She's just like, oh my god, I like you so much and
blah blah blah blah blah, andhe's just like oh, and like slithering
he does it. He just kindof goes yes and then goes back to

(01:35:27):
clearly just relentlessly climaxing throughout the entirescene. Then they get back to her
apartment and it just goes from badto worse right well, and then like
the best part though, is likethe scene Buttoner that we find out that
she's recording him. Right, It'slike they're in the bed, they're having
doing whatever there, you know,and it's this big bulky like norm handheld

(01:35:51):
like like Dad on a vacation camera. It's like just sitting in the closet
there they filmed it. He madehis apartment and he had one of those.
He had one of those Dad onvacation video cameras. He was like,
it doesn't matter, I would justzoom in on that, and that
is what it is. I don'teven know that Luma's French. He could
just be called Sidney Lumay. I'mjust assuming he's French. I have no

(01:36:14):
idea. I didn't even look himup. That's what a bad podcast host
I am. That's a good question. I wonder if he's But it's like
the camera is this big bulky thingthat's flashing this bright red leg. He
was actually born in Philadelphia? Yeah, but was his was his father Baroche
Lumette? Oh No, he's fromPoland, so he's not French at all.
Right, so he's a Philadelphia Ididn't realize that he's a Jewish from

(01:36:40):
a Jewish family. And uh,okay, so I think it might be
lumit. But I think it's morefun to say, yeah, so I've
been assuming he's some sort of well, of course, now it makes sense.
Now it makes sense because if hewas French, he'd have rutting in
every movie. Yes, yes,okay, okay, I've made it.
I've made it'll mistake. It wasfunny though while it lasted Sidney lou May

(01:37:04):
and now it's Sitner's Lumette. Iwonder Shitney Laumette Washington, Sean Connery and
one of his films, A fewof his films. Yeah, hey shitty,
Probably in another one of your films. Go ahead. I don't know
what's going on. Stop you talk. I wonder if he has the I

(01:37:24):
don't know other Philadelphia directors. Idon't know other directors are from Philadelphia.
I wonder if he's like the greatest, like if he's potentially like the you
know, well, he settled inNew York and loves New York. He
never made any movies in Philadelphia,so he's like yeah, so he's a
traitor to Philly. I feel likePhilly has probably cast him aside. They
probably gone, don't come back here, lou Matte and expect an honorary fucking

(01:37:47):
doctorate or some ship. We're notgiving you. The University of Philadelphia is
just annex. Lumette. Oh,make all your films in New York,
William Lumette, all right, fuckingNew York. Who do you think you
are? Fucking bog Danovich. Comeon now, fucking Loumette, You ain't
no bog Danovich. Yeah, Ididn't consider that fact. Great, he

(01:38:10):
just happens to be born here,but he's you know he doesn't care.
Yeah, I'm sure he's. Hewas. He got out here the moment
he had a chance. You know. That's why there's no plaques to lou
Matte in Philadelphia. Otherwise you'd beright, he'd be the first son of
Philly filmmaker. Yeah, but he'she's not because Philly has cast him out.

(01:38:30):
And if you ask anyone in Philadelphia, Matt Tomorrow, if you if
the name Sidney Lumett comes up,you may get punched. It's a violent
reaction when Luette's name is even withmy Phillies hat. Right, if I
funk up up to New York,Well, yeah, fucking I'm gonna shove
a fucking cheese steak in your tailpipe. Uh. I don't miss the

(01:38:56):
miss rch the good name of Philadelphians, but they may have put a chief
taking it, sending the mess talepipe as he tried to leave the same
I wonder, like how many likeI guess, like I guess Surpaco or
Dog Day Afternoon will probably be popularwork, you know, because of Pacino.
But yeah, I don't know likehis his career, Like how many

(01:39:18):
of his films were like you know, you like like people in Philadelphia would
be like just oh, he's he'syou know, like I like, I
wonder like they even know who heis? Like I wonder how many people
even know, you know, outsideof like kind of really I think his
name. I think the the thecity of Philadelphia, their marketing department,

(01:39:38):
uh, you know, got intouch with the Secret Service and they hushed
the whole Lumette incident up because theyjust assumed that no one was really watching
his films anyway, and because IMDbdidn't exist back then, they were just
like, all right, whatever,let's just scrub Lumett for the books.
It was like, you know howthey're trying to remove teaching any actual history

(01:40:00):
in history, you know how inAmerica, Republicans are like, could we
just remove the part of history that'sactual history and can we replace it with
some sort of faith based lie madnessthat was created in twenty sixteen as a
marketing ploy. Let's just let's nowtake that as our rule of thumb,

(01:40:20):
shall we? But anyway, whywas I doing that? Why did I
go that way? Because of Philadelphia? The history books have scrubbed That's right.
Yes, So in the way thatdozy Republicans are trying to tear out
actual history pages from history books,leaving only the forward where the guy relentlessly

(01:40:45):
thanks his wife, because what youdon't know is that the guy who wrote
the forward cheated on his wife afew months ago, and while she says
she's forgiven him, he feels entirelylike he's walking on eggshells the whole time
that he's at home. The entireforward of the book, the only part
of the book that Republicans leave inthe history book. The entire forward is

(01:41:05):
him just trying to mention his wifeas much as humerely possible, so years
later, when they're fighting in adivorce, he can go, I fucking
put you in my book, woman, exactly. Anyway, that's a whole
I've given a whole backstory now tothe author of the book. No,
and I will say, actually legitimatedirector who he's from India originally, but

(01:41:29):
grew up in Philadelphia's m night Shamalanand he actually makes movies in Philadelphia.
My wife, I member she workedat a nightclubs before I met her,
But she worked at a nightclub thatwould do cast rap parties for his movies
there. No, No, Idon't think he ever showed up, but
sometimes it would be like like afourth tier star. So they were like
all the Film Society of Philadelphia,It's just like, fuck you, Loumett.
We've got Shamlan and at least he'sfucking financially viable, Loumet, what

(01:41:56):
movie of yours ever made money?Critical care? Fucking shut up, Lumette.
You packed it full of fucking actorslike Spader and Mirror and then you
didn't even have an O face fromeither of them. It's just not acceptable,
Lumet. We've got Shamlan and hemade the trees murderers and the wind

(01:42:18):
murderers. And yet he did notsuccessfully kill the career of Mark Wahlberg Marky
Mark I wish he had done.He managed to kill Zoey Deschanel's career,
but not Marky Mark. Marky Markthe racist gets to keep working for the
rest of the life. Not onlythat, Matt, but do like faith

(01:42:39):
based comedies, Mark Mark, Idon't hate you so much. Not just
that, not just that. Buthe had the audacity to go to the
governor of Massachusetts and ask for apardon of his hate crime, and they
were just like, but you didit, Yeah, you actively did it
just because the guy forgave you thatyou you beat up, you know,
just because you're telling everyone you've foundchrist your big Kevin Sorbo want to be

(01:43:03):
Why didn't you go full nuts likefucking James Woods or Sorbo. No,
you want to quietly pala around withmel Gibson and act like everything's wonderful and
jolly, and then on the surfaceto fucking faith based comedies and oh my
god, aren't I big American heromovies for Peter fucking Burg And that's what

(01:43:24):
you want to do. Wahlberg,Your Marky Mark fucking hand in your pants,
moron. I loathe you and everythingyou stand for. Anyway. Previously
on critical care, Yeah, talkingabout Bostonians. Right, you've got Jane

(01:43:45):
Spader who's from Boston, who's amuch much, much less controversial Bostonian figure
that you can Yes, you canenjoy. Good segue, good segue,
Matt back from everyone's least favorite human, Marking Hark to everyone's favorite human who
has any fucking common sense, JamesSpader. And look, we don't know
about Spader's crimes, and that's theway it should be. We can only

(01:44:09):
hypothesize at Spader's numerous crimes, andthey are numerous, Man Spader. Because
Spader is from the upper classes.He knows how to cover up a crime.
He's, you know, it hasto be like the highest level of
dad. Daddy, Daddy bought,Daddy bought the police station a new wing
or something exactly. You can justimagine he and John Junior just you know,

(01:44:32):
the boarding around Boston, just gettingall kinds of trouble and just like
probably which is again is probably whyhe seemed like he was twenty years older
than he was in the agee hewas making these movies because he and John
Junior had lived in an entire life. Yeah, they already under understood the
stock market. They already knew howto pick out a fine gin, they
knew how to hold a brandy glass, and they knew how to beat up

(01:44:55):
on a poor person doing an honestjob for an honest, dishonest way about
how to find the lady of thenight and I get yourself in or her
into trouble? Right, How toavoid diseases is how to pay off abortion
doctors by John Junior and James Sprader. Allegedly this is all a comedy bit.
We are not saying that this everhappened. But like I say,

(01:45:17):
you can't say it didn't happen becausewe we have no evidence either way.
And Fox News uses that barometer forfact every night of the week. So
because they don't know it didn't happen, means it could possibly have happened.
Even though it most assuredly did nothappen, it could have happened, Matt
and therefore legally we're in the clear. So anyway, we don't know his

(01:45:44):
crimes, and they are many andvarious, but we do not know them.
We can merely hypothesize. So yes, anyway, back to critical care.
So it's sort of I mean,it really does sort of lose steam
two thirds of the way and twothirds of the way and you're like,
Okay, I get it fast,gal blah blah blah blah blah. There's
some great performances. I do haveto call out some absolutely great performances.

(01:46:06):
So obviously we've talked about Albert Brooks, James s Bader, Helameren All phenomenal,
Jeffrey Wright as well, great MargotMartindale. Again can always be guaranteed
to bring some good character actor chopsto the proceedings proceedings. But the people,
the three people, four people actuallywho I think kind of round out

(01:46:27):
the cast and make this world sortof almost Cohen Brothers esque. And that's
Philip Bosco as Doctor Hofstadter, calmFiori as Wilson, Edward Herman as Robert
Paine, and Harvey Aitken as JudgedFatali. And it feels to me like
the Coen Brothers were brought in todirect the scenes that those actors are in,

(01:46:50):
because not only are they directed alot better, but they're sort of
Hudsucker proxy, Like you know,col Firier talks to the clip. He
talks really quickly, everything a littlebit like that, like very kind of
like quick fire thirties repetage kind ofstuff. Philip Bosco talks very matter of
fact, and he's always like walkingand talking and saying things of meaning and

(01:47:10):
you know, which is sort ofa very Cohen Brothers esque thing. And
then Edward Herman is sort of theand almost Albert Brooks as well. They
sort of have that repetitive thing thatCohen Brothers characters can have, where you
know, Edward Herman is always like, are you sure you told me everything?
Like every every time he calls up. That's kind of what he says,
Similarly with Albert Brooks, with theconstant repetition of like, so,

(01:47:31):
anyway, why are you here?How can I help you? Page me?
I didn't that you make it ajoke by like that thing that he
did over and over again to greateffect. I felt like Edward Herman had
that as well. And so againI think lou May is the problem here.
I really do. I really thinkthat May is the problem here,
because I really think that there's somenice things going on and some really nice

(01:47:57):
performances from some really top draw characteractors, and you know, apart from
James Brader and Anne Bancroft, actuallythere aren't really sort of leading people in
this. So we should talk aboutAnne Bancroft and while as Sean, who
both represent sort of I don't knowideas of heaven and hell. I don't

(01:48:18):
want to say heaven and Hell,and I don't want to say God and
the Devil because although the movie kindof intimates that it, to me,
would make that the weakest part.I don't mind the idea that as people
are dying, they would see somesort of idealized version of what they think
heaven and Hell is probably because wespent our whole lives talking about what our

(01:48:41):
version of heaven and hell is.That as we're dying, we probably just
go, here's a good image togive you as you fucking die, big
or whatever, right, because yourbrain works like that. So but I
would rather think that than I wouldthink that the film is because the film
also advocates for, you know,choosing to end a life when it is

(01:49:02):
nothing but a life of pain.It advocates with that, It ends with
that being the message. So youcan't have that being the message and go
and by the way God says it'sokay, because God don't say it okay,
you know what I mean. Theonly reason we're not allowed to peacefully
end our lives, not in ouragony, but surrounded by family, friends
and everybody we'd want to hear,listening to the music we want to listen

(01:49:24):
to and doing whatever. We're notallowed to end our lives that way.
Instead, we have to die screamingin pain and agony, costing our families
of fortune, and not understanding whowe are, where we are, how
to wipe our ars anymore. Apparentlythat's a far more dignified way to end.
You can seem out which side ofthe debate I come down on.

(01:49:45):
If I want to kill myself,I should be allowed to at any stage
and for any reason. It's notup to the government to decide what I
do, as long as my familyand everyone sign off on it. So
that's the side of the debate Icome down on. The the movie seems
to come down on. So I'mnot imbuing the religious part of the film
with too much actual religion. Buttwo dying patients and James Spader who isn't

(01:50:13):
dying but he sees, and Bancroftanyway, And of course typical that James
Spader would be like, well,my version of God is and Bancroft is
a nun. He's like some saucymilk in a fucking white habit. And
Spader's like, that's my idea ofGod. It's and Bancroft, and You're
like, yeah, of course itis. Spader is just like antenna up,
you know, shoulders out coming towardsand Bancroft like some sort of lecherous

(01:50:40):
wasp. But no so, andBancroft in a in a in a nun's
habit, a white white nuns,sister of Mercy. Big Big Thing is
the epitome of God apparently in thismovie, and while is shown with pig
feet with demon pig feet, Waliis short little you know, inconceivable wall

(01:51:05):
Is Sean, They're like, youknow, you can imagine Anne Bancroft and
Wallace Shawn show up to do theirlike days filming or whatever. They're both
there at the same time, right, It's like, Oh, hello,
I haven't seen you in a while. What are you What are you doing
here? Oh? I'm playing God? Oh okay, okay, Because seemingly
they've cut me someone who looks likea talking baller to be I'm gonna wear

(01:51:31):
pig feet and be a quizzling Andso we suddenly go, poor Wallace Sean,
you know what I mean, youcan't help it, like he looks
like how he looks like, youknow what I mean, Let's not fucking
make him feel bad, but no, let's give him to form fucking feet
and let's make Anne Bancroft look likethe most porcable nun since Julie Andrews.

(01:51:54):
And am I the only one whothinks that about Julie Andrews? Anyway,
nobody know what you mean. It'sI mean Wallace Sean. It's because because
the thing about Wallace Sean, rightis he's just like the other character actors
in this Right, it's like thissort of just like nineties indie feel to
it, right, Yeah, andyou know, and right probably his greatest

(01:52:14):
role, Wallace Shan's greatest role isbeing the guy listening to his friend in
My Dinner with Andre, right right, not being Andre. And it is
funny that I feel like sometimeship,I feel like I'm just bagging out about
ship and you're just like, ohGod, let him stop. No,
no, because because because like heinterjects things every once in a while.
But it's like but it's like thisidea of like who do I want to

(01:52:38):
play the devil? And it's almostlike they go through a role of dex
of like who's available in Toronto orcan do this scene. It's like,
is between projects, maybe let's let'scall him and Okay, I think we
could, Yeah, let's get himin. And I kind of felt the
same way about the other character actors, like like you know, Edward Herman
and Bosco and and Furious almost likeit's like you almost get the sense that

(01:53:00):
it was like, I need toget them into another scene. Wait,
no, they're often la doing youknow, a sitcom or a ninety eight
or something like that. It's like, Okay, we'll just do the phone
call scene. Just do it fromwherever. You know. It's like he's
like almost having to work around theirschedules because they're so character actory. And
and also I think he films liketwo or three scenes with each of them
and does that all on one setand then just sprinkles those scenes throughout the

(01:53:24):
movie. It's probably that's the wayhe did it. Like they were probably
each in for a week and onlySpada was there for the whole time.
Probably, Yeah, yeah, itmakes sense. And yeah, and it's
like walla Sean in this. It'slike it didn't have to be him in
that role. Yeah, but it'ssort of perfect. But it's yeah,
right exactly. Yeah. And andI mean the other thing from Lumit that

(01:53:45):
I think is interesting is he oneof the things I think that we did
are fortunate with him is that hedoesn't he isn't making movies in the modern
age where it's like this sort ofwashed out digital picture all the time.
You know, he's shooting on filmin the nine, and so when he's
shooting the scenes where like you know, Jeffrey Wright's talking to Wala Shawn,
it's got that red background where itlooks like it's like in a in a

(01:54:06):
dark room or something. And thenwhen he's talking to a Bankroft, it's
that blue and it's like, Idon't think you could make that work in
today's digital washed out color kind ofthing. It was one of the few
like Lumt moments where it was likewhere the Lumt worked and enhanced the film.
But but like you said, likethe rest of it, it's like,
you know, okay, and Bancroftas a lumat he illuminated it.

(01:54:33):
Yes, blue mat which is Polishfor lights. I don't know that's true.
I haven't looked. I've watched aton of Luette films and I never
looked Blue met up because I've justI've cast lou Matte. I'm the Philadelphia
I've cast him from my mind.I like some of his movies, and

(01:54:55):
I've seen a lot of them.I've seen them. I've seen all of
the ones that we've talked about networkand and before there well knows You're Dead
and Dog Day Afternoon and Murder onthe Orient Express. I've seen a lot
of lu Met films, but Ijust never had looked into Loumet because,
weirdly enough, while obviously you know, Scorsese and Spielberg and Lucas and Department

(01:55:23):
and so on are still kicking aboutdoing whatever they're doing, as is Coppola
in a way where I kind ofwish he wasn't because everyone needs to start
ruining Coppler for me. But thefact that his lawyer came out and went,
no, no, no, itwas a legitimate scene in which the
director went around and hugged and kissedeveryone trying to get them in the mood.

(01:55:45):
Wait, that's your legal argument.Your legal argument was perfectly legitimate for
artists to just kind of molest Imean, look, all the actors may
have signed a waiver that said itwas perfectly fine for free p octogenarian Coppola
to come and fucking manhandle them justto apparently get them in the mood.

(01:56:06):
They're actors, Francis. I thinkthey'll figure it out. Oh, you
want them to look happy and dancea bit like they're at a party.
You don't need to touch them,Coppler, and you don't need to have
your lawyer then come out and gono, no, no, nothing to
say here, perfectly normal situation ofa director grabbing and kissing his actors because
it was like, what was thatJeff Garland, right, the criby enthusiasm

(01:56:30):
guy who was kind of kind offired from the Goldbergs because he was,
you know, gross like that,and his technique was to give people hugs
because he's a hugger, right,And it's like nobody wants your overwech slubbiness,
like, you know, like womenin their early twenties don't want this
overweighted slobbiness hugging. No, justbecause you're a hugger doesn't mean the rest
of us have just don't touch womenat work. I mean, how hard

(01:56:50):
is it? How difficult? Isis he really that difficult? They're like,
well, you know, we're artists, so it's different our work.
No, no, no, there'sno about it unless you're in a scene.
And in the scene it says manunappealingly grabs woman's buttter like maybe that
was really let's give James Spader bringingback to Jave Spader a fair crack of

(01:57:14):
the way maybe it said in thescript, hand on Buttock, let's just
go there, or maybe lou Meton the set was like Spades, just
a little lower mate, Come on, I gotta get some rump in there.
But I think the one thing weever met is that the reason why
the movie works up until the pointwhere you kind of realize that it was

(01:57:40):
all a sham, which you knewit was, but the reason why you
question that it's not a sham isthat you believe in a world where a
woman would just instantly be into JamesSpader, Like, if you don't cart
it's very interesting, right, Ifyou don't cast James Space in this role,

(01:58:01):
right, there aren't many other actorsat that time, in that era
that you could cast that, thenit is completely believable that any single woman
in a ten mile radius is readyto because you are meant to believe.
And Spader is behaving like he's thecat who's got the cream. He did

(01:58:25):
this smooth as anything. Look atme ooze my way into this nineteen sixties
suburbanite who moonlights on the weekend isa trolley dolly and the sky right.
Politically, a great John Cross usedthe phrase trolley dolly ah fuck off.
Anyway, Well yeah, so Iwas just so you have to believe in

(01:58:49):
the sexuality of Spader in order foryou to get to the point where you're
like, oh, okay, no, it was all a scam. Otherwise,
the moment Sedgwick walked in, yougo, scam, scam, scam
alouds scam, you know what Imean, you'd immediately it was just a
bob blind blad scam. But becauseyou go, well, actually, maybe

(01:59:10):
the point of this movie is justthe spade against the sleeves over everybody,
because it's the point of so manyof his movies. Because that's what I
was thinking until I see this big, blocky camera flashing red like a ship
coming to port, and it's like, just like you know. But the
other thing too, is I rememberone time we used to do trivia nights

(01:59:31):
at this bar in Port Lamain,Margarita's, and I remember these two like
kind of schlubbier, slightly older guyshad two of these hot blonde women with
them as dates. And it didn'tmake any sense to us, but we're,
you know, we're just kind ofdoing our trivia night or whatever.
And the woman who was going aroundlike like checking people's answers or whatever.
We overhear her there's a question aboutlike which artery is the biggest in the

(01:59:54):
body, And I think it waslike the ephemeral or something like that.
It was like something, you knowwhat, And we overhear her say,
I think it was the femoral.I think it's the thing ephemeral is like
when it's like wispy and what isit? What is the the r in
your thigh? I thought it wasthe ephemeral, but it's something goes whatever

(02:00:20):
it was, whatever the artery was, you know whatever, the answer was.
I overhear this woman who exactly that, But she says to these two
guys, oh, being doctors,you probably knew the answer to that.
It's like, oh, that's whythese really hot women are with these two
schlobby guys because they're you know,so there is that that that thing there

(02:00:41):
and and it alone could have carriedit exactly. Like I think you need
Spader Spader too, But I thinkSpader plus doctor fucking you know the right.
Mean, I think you're right,Like the movie would have been better
without the sort of like the thewhole Cua Cedrick scamming him thing. If

(02:01:02):
it was just like the whole dilemmabetween the two of them, the two
sisters debating over whether or not thefather dies, and Spader in the middle
of all this, like, youknow, he's at work and he's like
dealing with the dilemma himself, becauseit's enough of a dilemma, right that,
like, Okay, I think thisguy should die, but one daughter
thinks he should in the other one. That's like enough of a dilemma.

(02:01:23):
And then while that's happening, he'shaving sex with Kira Sedgwick. Bring in
a couple of character actresses that hecan also have sex with, you know,
maybe Kalaimir and whatever Miran sequence.You know, like he's just he's
just going around having I've sat downto watch Critical Care, which are being
told has James Sprader and Helameren init. I expect three minimum three sexual

(02:01:46):
scenes with him lument zero. Well, because the one thing about Helemirn as
an actress, I think more thanlike more than Kia Sedgwick, more than
a lot of the actresses, Charlie'sthere on, whoever we've seen act with
Spader when they've actually had love scenes. Helen Mirren seemed to like understand the
sleeves Spader part. She enjoyed actingopposite, it seemed like she was laying

(02:02:11):
down. She was up to thetask, and we need to pay off
there, right, See, Mirrenis up to the task. There are
very few people that Spade has beencast opposite where you're like, oh,
she is his equal, Surrandon.Maybe now they're both wrong for that movie.
But as you know, as Hollywoodactors of a certain age and a

(02:02:31):
certain look and feel, with acertain on screen sensuality that you can't describe,
don't want to describe, and kindof a joy Sarandon and Spader are
pretty strong on that list. Butyeah, Mirn, I mean, Mirron
is in another stratosphere. She isa super goddess of the highest order,

(02:02:53):
and long may she reign as queenof our hearts and of our bets.
I almost said bonus, and Ithought it was a little too on the
cop on the nose, but anyway, she likes it on the nose.
I don't know that that's that's unconfirmed, unconfirmed. We've heard that they've said

(02:03:15):
that's how you get away with itthese days, that's how the news.
We've heard that they've said breaking sofor people that are listening, right,
if you do the Patrent you cansee the video. There's like, we
can do the chiron flashing across thegreen breaking news. We've heard that they
said, we'd like it on thenose and the underneath it. We've heard
that they say like, yeah,we've heard that. They say that who

(02:03:35):
are they? We're not telling youand who are we? We have no
idea, right, I like Istopped watching the news channels, but like
for whatever reason, establishments like tohave them on and and it's like you
go in there and it's like everythingis breaking news, and it's like this
isn't breaking news. This happened fourdays ago, Like how can you have
the chiro this? You know,It's like I can only imagine people to

(02:03:57):
watch those those you know, thisnews program, you know the news channels
like MSNBC, Fox, whatever itis on a regular basis, Like they
must just be in this heightened likelike Spader, like cut up the way
Spader's heightened in the sexuality sense andhis roles. They must be this heightened
like news like like Center. They'rehyper vigilant to any news that's happening at
all times. Because think about workingin the newsroom, Matt. Not only

(02:04:21):
would you be confronted with the news, but like all of us, whether
we want to or not, ouriPhones are telling us the news. I
didn't ask for it. Oh,you're just popping up news alerts. Why
how do I turn these off?Oh? Wait, you can't turn them
right because they've got fucking you know, advertising companies and ships, so news

(02:04:41):
on your iPhone. You go intoFacebook, there's fucking trending topics and news
items, and people are posting newsmemes and you're being advertised news channels about
news things. And Bill Maher's fuckingvideo keeps popping up where he's high talking
about cancel culture and you want topunch him in the neck because he won't
let the other person speak. AndI I feel like that's who I'm becoming.

(02:05:02):
Sorry, Matt, I hope peoplearen't listening to this as being like
John's become a right Bill marlately.I hope that's not the case, but
maybe it is. Oh my god, is that who I'm becoming. I'm
sad, Matt. I'm sad anyway. And then you go on Twitter or
whatever they call it now, theMuscathon and it's filled with a scrolling thing
of the news. You go toGoogle just to look up the best pie

(02:05:26):
pastry recipe with the shortest description ofthe bloggers fucking trip to Venice or wherever
the fuck they discovered how to makepastry in the first place, and how
many fucking children they have, andtheir husband's craft brewery is doing really well.
We don't care about any of thatthe fuck. We just will get
to the pastry thing. You goto Google that, Matt, and you

(02:05:46):
get fucking news, whether you likeit or not. So we're constantly bombarded
with news, news, news,news, and even if you don't put
it on the TV screen, you'llgo to an airport somewhere and they'll be
showing the because you're like, whywould I want to watch if I'm at
the airport. You should have fuckingcartoons. Just show me fucking bugs,
Bunny, Yes, Hannah Barber andTom and Jerry. Hannah Barber is all

(02:06:12):
Hannah Barber should be point stones,Yes, jetson, Captain Captain Caveman.
That's that's all. Yeah, Iagree with you. We talk to Pete,
Come on, booty judge, comeon news the news. Yeah,
exactly, Yeah, I agree,Yeah, except that Bodaj suckles at the

(02:06:32):
media teat and so therefore he willnever remove the news from airports. But
I don't listen, I'm gonna thinkagainst bootage judge. Everyone has to suckle
at the media teat sometimes. ButI'm just saying, uh, he was.
They're not the people who are goingto take down big media because they
fucking need big media, because otherwisethey're irrelevant, irrelevant people. I was

(02:06:55):
going to say, they are relevantpublic servants, but they don't serve the
public, and that makes them evenmore It means they can't even do that
simple toss properly. So enough ofthese people. But Loumett, by the
way, is so happy that CriticalCare has brought out this sort of social
analyzing and cultural commentating. Lu Metis like I told you, this film

(02:07:18):
brings out the discussions of life andthe nature of politics and everything else.
I'm like, no, Livett,It's just it's just what's on everyone's mind.
What's fascinating when you look at lubetstuff like this, You've got Critical
Care. What was you know tryingtoo because obviously network with TV in the
news, right, and then whycan't I think of the Guilty of Sin

(02:07:41):
was the Little one a lot ontrial exactly all of these things, you
know, had all of these likeideas about how horrible the things worth then,
and it's like twenty five or inthe case of Network, like I
guess it's like fifty years later,it's only gotten worse, right, Like
like like Lumet for all of hislike shining light on how horrible these things

(02:08:01):
are. They you know, theythey're only worse now there, you know.
It's like, wait, well,that's almost the power of Lumette.
And maybe maybe the maybe the characterarc Matt that I'm on in this show
is that I start off thinking Lumetteis a French hack and end up realizing
that Lumette is the Polish genius NewYorker that who's shunned by Philly that he

(02:08:26):
is. And in the middle,I temporarily become Bill Maher, but I
come out of being Bill Maher andI go back to being John Cross again,
and I kind of like Sidney Lumett. How about that for a character
arc? Nobody saw it coming,but we wove that throughout the episode seamlessly.
None of you noticed there's a bigPhilly like Shamel and twist to the

(02:08:48):
ending of this podcast. Matt,how about that we've we have woven it
throughout the whole show callbacks, there'smcguffins, We've got Arkham's razor and what's
the other thing? Uh, checkOff's whatever is. By the way,
I also said we were going todo questions from people. We haven't done

(02:09:09):
any of the questions yet. That'sright, because we can do one and
then one in the middle of Yeah, but anyway, but let's let's let's
wrap up critical care because let's keeptalking about I think that the reason why
he goes with the side story ofthe battle between the two daughters is to
make legal and especially legal around thehealthcare satire, because otherwise how would you

(02:09:35):
get that in the hospital. Ithink he still could have done it without
it being like Spader is, oh, where the hospital is just being sued?
Right, the hospital could just besued. And you still like that
Spader got got tricked. That's whyyou don't like well because I think,
like you said, like instead ofif we can hit him, if him
just hooking up with with with Sedgwick, him just hooking up with whoever else?

(02:09:58):
Right, Like like that could havebeen enough. R movie felt like
right because because what we get atthe end him, it depantherized him exactly,
and it created this like tension thatI like, like, I think
we could have enough fun tension withyou know cal Fiore, like with his
like, like you said, hislike kind of staccato you know, speaking,
and ed Herman, you know,with his his his questioning of him

(02:10:20):
pressure. Yeah, I mean justthat scene that that Spader's in, where
Spader's sitting there and you've got thesethree great character actors there that are just
like dripping the whole room, thatwhole like like conference wherever they are,
it's just dripping with character actorness.And then here's Spader like just oozing around
with his about like yeah, justlike yeah, drinking out of like tiny

(02:10:43):
coffee. Like what I love?Is it like these lawyers. He knows
he's about to question with these lawyers, and they asked him if he wants
somethink like yeah, I'll have atiny copy coffee. You know. It's
like here's Herman just like coffee.It's like it's just eighty five. Yet
I still haven't been able to doanything other than slouch around in my lounge
suit exactly. But it created attentionthat I think because because the problem is

(02:11:09):
it created attention that we then hadto like wreck, you know, like
like rectify this right. It's therectification of it is gobbledygook that no judge
in a millionaires would ever allow,right, And and we didn't even like
like if it had been more oflike him just convincing the two sisters to
come around on their own, likejust without it like having to be like
he needed to save his career.I mean, because there's other commentaries about

(02:11:31):
like the student loans which have gottenway worse for doctors, and you know
all the other things that could stillhave been a commentary without it being like
his career was on the line becausehe hooked up with Sedgwick. Like he
should just be hooking up with whoeverhe hooks up with, and nothing should
be on the line for him,you know. So what we're hearing is
that Matt is quite upset that essentiallySpader's sheer magnetism was clipped by Sedgwick,

(02:11:56):
apparently tricking him out with a dadvideo camera from Everyone's Worst Family Holidays.
No, No, stand here,John, stand here, What is it
you got in the gift shop.I got a pencil, Dad, show
me the pencil. Show me thepencil. It's just a pencil, dad,
No, no, but show methe pencil. So you stand there
a little boy like holding a pencil, not really understanding what he's doing.

(02:12:20):
Right now, walk over there bythe seashells? What walk over there by
the beach? Why am I goingover there? Mum's driving me off to
No, no, go over thereby the beach. I'm gonna film you
on the beach. You're having agood time. You're having a good time,
all right, You're doing it wrong. And I don't care how tired
Spader was or how obsessed he waswith having sex with Sedgewick. There's no

(02:12:41):
way he's missing that flashing red light, like right, like that just was
so huge, and the whole thingwas just so big anyway. But it's
like, yeah, what about thefact that during the sex scene, or
in the lead up to the sexscene, as he continued to try and
convince her, First of all,he's slithering up behind her, so he's
yeah, And secondly, he's pantingso insanely heavy, like I'm trying to

(02:13:05):
think there's lots of Spader movies wherehe's just like, I'm having sex,
and I'm having sex right now.But there's not many Spader movies because he
normally then just has sex and they'rejust like okay. There's not many Spader
movies where he is so physically engorgedthat his breath has become short and against

(02:13:28):
the point where like Cedric is like, and do this for me, and
he just goes yes, okay,and it's like, oh my god,
is he about to you know,pass out from a lung disease? What
is going on? He's like he'slike like groping her and kissing her,
and she's like, well, whatshould I do about my dad? You

(02:13:48):
know, he's a vegetative. Youknow, it's like this whole thing and
it's like that, but at thesame time it's utterly unnervous and depression.
But that even worse is that whenshe when he finds out he's being blackmailed,
he gets this like drab brown paperpackage at the hospital. He goes

(02:14:11):
to the hospital library and just popsit in the VS and it's just like
and the thing is like she editedit, Like it's like she's she took
it to him. It's like shegot out her jog shot the editing system,
she got a two s v HStape machines. I'm going to show

(02:14:31):
him going to a lot. You'regoing to Centric. This is a lot,
just a black Spader, Yeah,And and he's just watching it like
and then of course the best thingtoo, is he goes back to her
place to like confront her about this, and and it's like and she's like
telling him her plan. She wantshim to pull the plug. And it's
like you're in this house that youknow you're being filmed, it right,

(02:14:56):
And it's like like, why wouldyou go You just found out that you're
being filed? Why would you do? Oh? Oh she she told me.
He's wearing his Cubs jacket Chicago BullsChicago Bulls jacket. Sorry, he's
wearing a Chicago Bulls jacket. Soit's like Matt Once. Once the movie
moved into the Chicago Bulls cat jacketterritory, it lost me because you simply

(02:15:18):
cannot put Spader in a jacket thatremoves his feline nature. Suddenly he's like
the RoboCop or the micheline man.He can't slither any because it's like for
people who don't know what this jacket. This is like a hip hop video.
It's like this oversized, you know, like he needed like like a
a beanie or a skulk and justkind of like be like kind of doing

(02:15:41):
like the all the hippo giant clockaround his neck and to be spinning rhymes
in a warehouse somewhere. It was. It was ludicrous, Matt. It
had a giant leather collar. Iteven restricted his neck like he was so
once he put it on, andmaybe again, maybe again, Matt,
this is lue. Matt, it'sgenius. And maybe again I'm realizing that

(02:16:03):
the Chicago Bulls jacket of which Ifound so dangerously hilarious, was really a
straight jacket. It was Spader's cocoonfrom which, in the last scene he
will emerge a pure and righteous doctorof who watches skateboarders from afar and when
one of them beefs, it runsover and goes, don't worry, young

(02:16:26):
boy, You're in good hands now, to which the boy goes, oh
no, and then it ends That'snot how it ends, but that's what
I thought it ends. Well,he does ask he goes, are you
a doctor? In spears? Likeyes, I'm a doctor. Every dad
watching this with his daughter when thatis not a doctor, Darling, do

(02:16:46):
not trust that man. Never gohome with that man. Never go into
a gray breeze block room with thatman. Never go anywhere, Never lie
down on a bed in a gownfor that man. That man is not
a doctor. But Taddy in themovie, that man is not a doctor.
Don't go to James Spader. Hewill pounce on you like a stag
in hate. Right, because hehe wears that jacket to like the big

(02:17:16):
finale Danue Monk thing, which whichis hilarious too, because he does it
to a lawyer's office wearing a fuckingChicago bulls jacket. Yeah. Like,
he talks to Anne Bancroft and hegets this idea from her that like,
oh my god, right, it'slike this idea of like, oh,
well, if you love this thischaracter, the guy who's dying, you
know, you're the doctor you're supposedto get right, if you loved him,

(02:17:39):
if you cared for him, youwould you would do whatever. And
so the next scene is them allsitting around this big conference leable to have
the hearing about whether or not topull the plug or whatever. And putting
the feet right, putting feet that'sright. And here Spader's waltz is in
like this kind of like you know, before the plane takes off, kind
of like you know, stop,don't get on the plane, right,
I'm here, you know. Hewalks in and is like doing his big

(02:18:01):
speech with his like his Chicago bullsjacket on, to which the lawyers kind
of like, clearly, go waita minute. The lawyers on both sides,
by the way, go wait aminute, are you really going to
allow this to continue, to whichthe judge, looking like again a comedy
character from a bad end of aWoody Allen movie, looks up and goes,
no, no, no, letthe young boy continue. I think

(02:18:24):
we should hear what he has tosay. I'm like said no judge.
Ever, judges are seat there beinglike, I don't want to hear another
person say another thing about another thing. This guy is guilty slingers hurt next
case, That's what judges are thinking. But this judge looks up and goes,
no, no, no, Ithink we should let mister Chicago bulls

(02:18:45):
straight jacket speak. And then hegets three chances, Matt like, he
starts to speak and then he likedwindles off and then they're like, all
right, let's go back to thetrial. Then he goes, no,
wait, I want to say morethings, at which point you'd be like,
dude, you got one chance,mate, He gets three chances,
and then when he does do thespeech, Spader looks. Spader would get

(02:19:09):
much better at speechifying in the Bostonlegal years. Yes, he is out
of his depth with the speech herethat he has to get if I feel
like, yeah, it needed towalk in like it's weird, Spader needed
to exit the picture. It neededto become walking. Can you imagine walking
saying and over here the liars whatand the insurance companies? Nobody likes these

(02:19:35):
guys, fuck them, fuck them, We're gonna move on, Like you
can imagine, Like it would justhave so much more bizaz or William Shantner,
William Shanner equally would have been greatat just standing on ceremony and waffling
off what's wrong with the healthcare industry? Yeah, I can't imagine either of
them wearing that bulls jacket either.No, Shadow would take more looking at

(02:19:56):
it, me like, absolutely notnot, I'm going to wear a forty
thousand dollars suit that barely fits aroundmy paunch, and I'm going to have
a woman half my age on myarm. But that's Bill, That's not
how this works. That's how thisworks. If you want to have the
shat man in your fucker, doyou really call yourself the shat man?

(02:20:20):
That sounds a bit like pooh manor shit man. I'm a shat man.
I demand a woman half my ageand a forty thousand dollars suit to
be draped across my paw side figurebecause can you imagine? Because because then
he gets he convinces the judge tohave everybody clear out of the rooms.

(02:20:43):
We just talking to the two sisterssecure Sedgewick and to the other sister,
and that's the other piece of thejudge just like, what's what's the worst
that can happen if we just yes, the judge leaves him alone with the
two the plaintiff and the accuser orwhatever. It's cool, right right yeah?
And I was like, wait,this judge is just having a laugh.
This judge is probably it would makesense if you saw the judge go

(02:21:05):
out into his chambers and the nursefrom earlier, the one that walked past
Spader, and he pounced up thenurse from earlier walk past, and the
judge just went and like scurried offafter that. Ever, think of that,
that makes plenty of sense. WayChekhov's nurse in his head, he's
thinking like, oh, I'm gonnago hook up with this woman, yes,

(02:21:26):
recess for thirty minutes. Yeah,I go hook up. Right,
It makes more sense than just whatactually happens, where he's like, what's
the worst that can happen? What'sthe worst? Oh? Wait, He's
going to make sure that both daughtersget five million dollars, and then he
gets off scott free, and notonly gets off scott free, but is
able to kill the patient he's beenwanting to kill since the beginning of the

(02:21:46):
movie. That's how this film wrapsitself up. It goes, everyone gets
five million dollars and James Paider getsto basically be fucking king of his own
domain. But he gets one lass, one great sleazy moment when Kira Centric
so first the old the other sisterConstant signs the yeah she signs like the

(02:22:09):
contract, she agrees to it first. So now Kira Centric stuck because she
knows if she doesn't sign it aswell, that you know he's gonna be
you know, he'll take care asthe other sister. So she's wearing this
red leather skirt and leather jacket outfitand she walks over to sign it.
She's she finally entered the early eighties. She's gone from nineteen sixty four to

(02:22:31):
nineteen eighty four. She basically lookslike something Diane Lane would would wear in
the streets of Fine. That's basicallyshe's erectly right right, We're we're only
ten years away now from the modernperiod with this outfit that she's got on,
and she bends over right in frontof him to make sure he gets
like one last look, and hemakes sure he gets one last look.
Well she's signing. He's just sittingthere his eyes yeahs, and he's the

(02:23:01):
whole time he's there, and it'slike, yeah, it was, it
was. It was as good asthe buttock's cupped scene earlier. I mean,
he's just like he's because I'm surprised. I'm genuinely surprised that right at
that moment, when Spader had almostgot everything that he wanted, he didn't
fuck it all up by just verydelicately putting all four fingers and a thumb

(02:23:26):
just on the tip of the curveof her buttock, just enough that she
would feel it. And and bydoing that, because he just couldn't help
himself, Matt, because he hadhe had convinced himself in a loose state,
that he could get away with anything, that he could even get away
with the ending of this movie,that someone would even believe the ending of

(02:23:48):
this movie. Spader is at thispoint reborn, because he's gone from being
you know, a puffed up catfish, to being reduced down to a small
little tadpole, to then being backup again as king and master of all
he surveys, Lord High Almighty,being able to just be like, sign

(02:24:09):
this thing and I'll kill your dad, you know what I mean, because
that's how the law works. Apparently, I'll just sign this and make me
the power of attorney. I'm offto kill your dad. And so they
yeah, it's it's it's it's remarkable. He even sells the end of this
movie. But it's, uh,you know, I forget where was I

(02:24:31):
keep forgetting where I was going?Where was I going with that whole bit
about Spader? Oh yeah, he'sbeen, he's been like reborn, he's
come back to the full spader usand we're happy to see it like we
wanted. We wanted it to endthat way. And that's when you know,
Lumette, you could have thrown inthe mirror scene right there. You
could have had him. He getsit, he gets a kiss from her.

(02:24:52):
But but yeah, I think hewould have fucked it all up because
I think he would have looked atco segwiches tushy as he would call it,
and he'd be like, oh,oh, my dear, and then
he would like place like an octopussucker cup just placed the full fingers in

(02:25:13):
a thumb right on her plastic leatherettebehind. It would have creaked them so
slightly. She would have looked behind. The whole thing would be off.
She would release the tape. Blahblah blah. You know what I mean.
I mean, And because that's howit should have ended. But instead
he gets to slink off the heroof many children. Well, he gets

(02:25:35):
one great last line after he hehe pulls the plug, which I wonder
if that was his line. Ifeel like they could not have been in
the script, you know, likewhen when he pulls the plug and he's
there with Helen Mirren and and shesays something about like, how you know
tomorrow's just another day, and hesaid something on the one was of like,
no, actually, you know it'sgonna be National Picklebeck or something like

(02:25:58):
that. Right, well, thatwas Chekhov's pickle Week. So back at
the beginning of the movie, himand Helen were are discussing her calendar and
she makes some comment about how it'sNational pick a Week next week all about
that, So okay, that makesI just thought he just threw that out
there, like, no, that'sit's Chekhov's pickle Week that I completely forgot

(02:26:22):
about that, Like, so that'syou know, we do what happened with
this? That's him basically saying nextweek during pick A Week, I am
fucking you. Like that's basically theend of that movie. It's him being
like, Helen, if you thinkyou got out of this unscathed, next
week is National pick a Week andJimmy's pickle is on the prowl. That's

(02:26:46):
space, that's what he's saying.That's what it means. Yeah, and
then she's gonna see him save thekid and be all noble it's all a
plan, Matt, Yeah, it'sall a plan. The sequel to this
movie would have been a Spader mirrorbump fast. We need to say Kronenberg
needed to direct the sequel to thismovie, Critical Care. I mean that

(02:27:09):
was so Cronenberg like, between thefact that people the beds were inflatable,
so they were everybody like inflatable airmattress. The beds were in the hospital.
I mean that's so Cronenburg right,like to have inflable air mattress.
They were sort of They also hadlike what we call lilo's, which are
those inflatable things you said on swimmingpools on right, what you call them?
Call them like Lilo's. I don'tknow why. It's like, I

(02:27:30):
don't know what we call them likethings, but those chairs, it was
like a stack of those then surroundedby a sort of bubble casing some sort
of like giant organic like Croneberg wouldhave made the beds organic like you you

(02:27:50):
would lie on them. They wouldlook all rubber rised, but then they
would be like and be like talkingto the people, be like I like
it when you your bed sores dripon me, and you'd be like,
oh, Oh that's disgusting. Whywould you do that? Then you're like,
oh, yes, I'm watching aCronenberg movie. And then it would
like sprout a little penis that's reallya vagina or some fucking metaphor for his

(02:28:13):
parents who he never understood, andyou know, and then someone would show
up naked, her head would falloff, blood would squirt everywhere, Oliver
Reid would cry, and the moviewould end and he'd be like, I
know I watched something. I justdon't know what it is. I watched
a lot of Canadian madness, Ithink. But if you'd had he imagine

(02:28:35):
Critical Care does so well that comingto your screens next year is David Cronenberg
and James Spader's like they take equalbilling above the title, because, make
no mistake, Matt, the successof Critical Care has led to Spader's ego
believing he can do anything, andhim and Cronenberg are going to make the

(02:28:58):
most twist. Did like beds thateat and molest and have sex with you,
like beds, like the beds wouldbecome organic and all these like people
on death Row essentially would start tobe like reinvigorated sexually for the last time
in their lives, and Cronenberg wouldgo on really important documentary style TV shows

(02:29:20):
and he would talk about how hewas talking about how the aged are not
seen in our society and the agedpeople can like fall in love and want
sex too, or something like.He would rationalize it matter with some kind
of Canadian wizardry, but we knowwhat he was doing. He just wanted
to have Mirror and Spader and theand the and the organic beds that all

(02:29:41):
the people are now living in becausethey're connected to it via giant existend style
tubes. And they were just likeit's like it's like the matrix, you
know, where Neo gets out ofthe tube and the real world and he's
like covered in Cronenberg and goo.Well that's what this is. Like Jeffrey
Wright, who's still alive because somehowsomeone's brought his head back to life and

(02:30:05):
stuck it on the eraise Ahead Babyor something, and I don't know why
that would happen, or they're stilltrying to like pump fluence through him even
though he has like a tidy snakebody. This is this is critical care
too. And I would have fuckingpaid millions of dollars to see this.
Meanwhile Spader and Mirrn are just havingsex on every surface. Imagine, Oh

(02:30:28):
it would have I mean, Imean Cronenberg would have had I mean like
like things like the breakroom, becauselike the breakroom in this I say,
but cried for a sex thing withMirror and Spader. It just aches for
it. I mean, I meanevery time he goes into the breakroom,
you see this box of Captain Crunch, right, and it just would have
been so amazing if like like theyjust kind of fall into it and the
Captain Crunch is all over the placewhile they're having sex, and it's like,

(02:30:52):
you know, you know, HelenMar' is like, oh, you're
gonna pick that off and now,and as they're having sex in between them
so that they're like how he saysthat up and in between them, Louvett
has Captain Crutch flying up in betweenand milk. And also because because the

(02:31:15):
slow motion and the Captain Crunch bossjust like floats bof the camera and it
suddenly becomes like a Ken Russell scene. Uh, and you know, and
Bancroft shows up and does of danceand bank beans in the background. Anyway,
because because every time they go intothat room. Everything in the room

(02:31:35):
is like white and like kind oflike there's like some of those like surgical
greens or like one of the seafoam greens or whatever, and it's like,
you know, kind of muted colors, and there's this bright red Captain
Crunch box that's on the table.It's gotta be there for a reason.
Everything, right, it's there everyI mean, I guess Captain crunch maybe
you know, funded the film orsomething. But this is where we should

(02:31:56):
start a conspiracy blog on what what'sstill a blogger doesn't really? I mean,
it exists, but people don't yeh, you know except you you work
on Blogger, right, yeah?Block Spot? Yeah, I like blog
Spot, But I mean is therea community on blog Spot though? Is
it? No? No, It'slike like nobody comments on my post and

(02:32:18):
comment on Facebook. Tumblr is thething, right that still happens. Tumblr's
been dead, so Tumblr is actuallymore of a graveyard than because at least
with Blogger their kind of websites,right, and then like people comment on
Facebook or Instagram about the movies.But like Tumblr is a fascinating one because
it is like you know, mostlike most Tumblr accounts haven't posted since like

(02:32:39):
twenty fourteen, but the hell ithad quite a community originally it did though,
Yeah, it had quite a yeah, definitely that right. You know
what happened was they removed the porn, right exactly they did. They removed
the pawn and Tumblr has never beensuccessful since. But it's not used that
they removed the porn. It's likeyou can post a go to heard film
that has like a woman like lightlyclothed, like even nake a lightly clothed,

(02:33:01):
and'll be like, oh, youtripped the porn sensor, and it's
like, do I want to gothrough the whole price? I posted this
Godard, this film, you know, from some eighties Godard film. I
posted it ten years ago. DoI want to go through the trouble of
like having, you know, filingan appeal. It's just like, just
fine, take it down. Idon't care, you don't care any whatever.
That's the thing is, they've removednipples from the Internet unless you go

(02:33:22):
on unless you go on porn sizelike this is. But this is what
happens where in this kind of Americansituation, you overcorrect on one end,
right where you go, there's gonnabe no nipples on social media anywhere,
right, you do weird shit likeAnd this happened on Joe Bob Briggs last

(02:33:43):
week where on Shudder, Joe BobBriggs and Darcy the male girl who you
know, by her own admission hasbeen a porn star and a stripper and
whatever, right and is by theway, hugely sex positive about it,
like huge okay with it and positiveand feminist about it. Yea loves nudity,

(02:34:05):
thinks nudity is fantastic. They wereshowing Graduation Day, a movie that
has nudity in it, a lotof nudity in it, and she was
not allowed She wanted to do thisparody of a graduation ceremony for her.
Yes. On Twitter, she's sayingthat she wasn't allowed to like flash.

(02:34:28):
I haven't seen the end of theepisode, so I don't know if like
she they do something else us orwhatever, but like, I'm only halfway
through the episode, but she's notallowed to flash and she goes but wait,
the movies were showing tonight have nudityin them, and he's like,
yes, but that it's weird,that that's okay, but you can't do
it here in the studio, right, So we either have that on one

(02:34:48):
side, right, were it's like, well, all we're just gonna puritanically
police the Internet for nipples, notfor dangerous seditious ideas, not for you
know, racism, not for violenceagainst children or sexual acts against children,
just for nipples on on fucking Instagramand Tumblr, right, So we're going

(02:35:13):
to do that. And then onthe other hand, we're going to make
it that if you go to aporn site, not only is it tans
amount to like having your computer hacked, but the pawn that is all over
the site is the most hardcore,the most growth. Like the running ads
above it are just like here isan enormous bukkaki scene featuring a donkey,

(02:35:33):
and you're like, wait, Ijust was coming on to see if I
could see nipples because I just wantedto see some nipples, and because nipples
have been banned from everywhere else,I have to have a you know,
rusty trombone thrust in my face.And I've got no interest in that,
Matthew, no interest whatsoever. Butthat's where we're at. We're we're in

(02:35:54):
a bridge between two extremes. Andso yeah, as Spader throughout this entire
movie, a bridge between two Spaders, and I think, finally, finally,
though, Matt, I get afeeling from the last scene in the
movie that his wings have been somewhatclipped, and so you do leave this

(02:36:15):
movie thinking I never want to seea clipped Spader again. And luckily,
after this movie, I think Spaderjust goes hell for leather into the ridiculous,
flopping about and pursing his lipstack becausehe goes, well, you remember
when I did this in the ninetiesand it was sexy and charming. How
about I do it now that I'min my sixties. What do you think

(02:36:37):
about that? And people like I'mrepulsed by it. I'm endlessly repulsed by
it, and yet I cannot lookaway. Am I am repulsed by it?
But please, by all means,have ten seasons of the Blacklist?
You've earned it, Jimmy, orhaven't how many seasons and air? I
think it's like a you're right,I think it's like, yeah, ten
years, yeah, eighteen episodes.I mean, I mean that's amazing,

(02:37:00):
you know it. It is amazingwhen you think of like what shows like
like especially like these these these networkTV shows, they just seem to go
on like it's like if they makeit past a certain threshold, they just
stay forever. You know. It'slike like if you can get past like
season two. I think even Blueshi'sshow went ten years. I think right,
eight years they gave according to Jimeight year. Yeah, I mean

(02:37:24):
the Fraser eleven. So Fraser elevenlike like like I enjoy Fraser as like
a kind of a thing on thebackground, but it's like when you watch
Fraser, it's just you know,what can you know Fraser and Nile say
in their hoity toity kind of voices, that's like both shows them as being
schlubby, goofballs and sophisticated, youknow, psychiatrists, right, and then

(02:37:45):
there's the Dad and then there's Daphnesaying something with an English accent that's you
know, endearing and cute and funnyand no the banger. And I've had
two hundred and fifty episodes out ofthat premise, that whole prom you know,
and it's just yeah, like alwaysgoo good for that, good for
them? All right, Matt.So, I think we've well and truly
talked about critical care. I thinkI've rethought it and now I believe that

(02:38:09):
Lumette is a bit of a genius, but you have to you have to
listen to this whole podcast first torealize why Lamette is a genius and why
my character arc in this episode hasbeen so expertly woven by Matthew and ourselves
by use of some kind of wonderfulimprov telepathy that we have brought ourselves here.
It is much like one of themore recent podcasts we did, Matt,

(02:38:31):
where the story of my Hollywood videoNemesis came back at the end of
the podcast. People don't realize whatwe're doing here, Matt is performance art
at its very highest, and ifpeople haven't figured that out yet, that's
maybe why I haven't won even aRondo Award and my friends could write me
in for one of those, orlike, nope, I've been doing this

(02:38:52):
many years, Matt. No one'sever written me in for a Rondo Award.
And that podcast, that is whatthey are. They're just something that
happened online. They send out alittle weird rondo head Clay rondo head to
the winners. All sorts of peopleget nominated. You just write it in,
Matt and yeah, and yet noone's ever written me in, Matt,

(02:39:13):
no one's ever written me in andso to hell with it. But
we are going to wrap this upnow by answering these questions. And I
also have a PU pump up thevolume style rant end the episode. Yeah,
I made an eBay sale while we'vebeen talking. Nice. That's always

(02:39:33):
good. Someone bought you got servedon VHS, still stealed, you got
served, You got served. So, Matt, I are you happy that
we ended this discussion of critical careactually rather liking the movie? Are you
happy that's where we ended up?Yeah? I mean I kind of,

(02:39:54):
you know, for me, ithad that feel of like a you know,
nineties indie kind of nostalgia thing thatI enjoyed with it. I mean,
the whole Danumont like the resolution wasa little bit far fetched, but
overall it was like it was itwas the kind of Spader that you're looking
for. Like you said, hiswings get clipped and that's not the best
thing, but you know, it'sit's a fun Spader kind of romp.

(02:40:18):
I guess I don't know that's theword. Yeah, No, I mean,
as I said, the first hourI think is its strongest moments,
certainly in the first forty five minutes. Yeah, so we are now going
to go to the question section,the Andy Lunn question section, although my
wife Kimberley, has also asked aquestion. But all right, so Andy

(02:40:43):
Lunn and my wife had actually sortof asked the same question. So Kim
asked, each of you please givean example of what you think Spader should
do next slash what should his nextproject be? And Andy Lunn says,
now that the Blacklister's fit, whatdo you think Spader should embark on next?
So that's it's basically the same questionmore or less. So, uh,

(02:41:07):
Matt, what would you like tosee Spader do going forward? I
mean after this episode? Like Iwouldn't have thought this coming into this episode,
but I kind of like the ideaof him and Mirren doing Critical Care
too, directed by David Krona,Like yeah, I kinda. I kind

(02:41:28):
of like that. I mean,the other needs a head as well.
He needs to come back. Yeah, I only either comeback, I think
Mirren who shines on eternally. Right, Well, that's the question is right,
like would Miron want to do it? But but if she Miarn's been
in Fast and Furious ten, Matt, Miron's down for anything. I think

(02:41:48):
Mirror has proven time and time againthat there is no land on which Mirren
will not walk and conquer by hersheer, radiance and wonderfulness. Yeah,
I mean I think, you know, maybe even bring bring in some some
people from Crash, I mean EliasCoteus. I feel like, I just
know. I think we can seeKara Darbra Harber Carpad Harbor, which is

(02:42:11):
what people from Maine called Deborah ca. I mean, who the fuck bat
is called Deborah Kara Unger and whyshould she be resigned to the nineties?
A new thesis coming soon to directthe video of Connoisseur. So yes,

(02:42:35):
I think they're definitely critical Care too. I would love to see that.
But in general, I would loveto see Spader returned to like I want
Netflix to give Spader the Adam Sandertreatment and basically allows Spader to make whatever
he wants to make. But heonly is He's only given like a couple

(02:42:58):
of million dollars, so we canonly he like he can call in a
friend's favor, right, so allof his movies will have like one favor
from someone who's worked with previously,right, or someone who's always wanted to
name, and then the rest ofmoney has to go on you know,
like low rent Toronto warehouse, youknow, SATs that were left over for

(02:43:24):
the last Jim Minorsky porno. Yeah, yeah, yeah exactly. I think
that's that he should be given that, and he should be given you know
too million dollars a movie, andhe should be given a contract where he
gets to make like ten movies,because in all honesty, the reason why
we're not seeing Spader continue in astraight to video sort of market is that,

(02:43:46):
really the straight to video market noweven like doesn't allow movies like Critical
Care sadly to be made. They'reeither very low sort of cheaply made whimsical
romances or dramas about the elderly,or its action flicks and you know,

(02:44:07):
using favorite martial artists or action starsor whatever, or you know over the
hill actors like John Travolta and LiamNeeson still wheezing their way through you know,
retribution or whatever. The fuck.Oh, Matthew Modein was a bad
guy, shocker, I think not. Matthew Modine shows up at the beginning

(02:44:28):
like fucking Chekhov's villain, and he'sall got his fucking white hair and he's
like, oh, Jack, withhis playful banter, you're an asshole.
Blah blah blah blah. I'm like, I think maybe Matthew Modin really does
hate Liam Neeson. Sure enough,yes he does, orchestrates the whole fucking
thing just for Liam Neeson. Andso this was so obvious throughout this movie.

(02:44:50):
This is why these B movies weneed. But I don't know how
else they get made, right,because unless two B's making them all,
Amazon Prime is making them just ashit out on Amazon Prime, or you
know, unless sort of DVD orsmall run Blu ray companies are still making
them with like Lungerin or whatever thatthey know that they can actually sell in

(02:45:11):
Walmart or something. And I wonderhow many years people who were walking up
to the Walmart Movie center and beinglike, Flunderin's still alive, huh wow,
because I swear there's a new Londonmovie every week. But out on
the racks of Woma and good forhim, good for him. I love
lunger and he's awesome. Good forlungon dolts, make listening, good good

(02:45:33):
going man, well done, youbeat the odds. So but there just
isn't room for the because you knowwhat did Spader do really in his career?
He did sort of he either workedwith classic directors and did sort of
mumble core, slightly sexually tinged kindof dramas, right, or he did

(02:45:58):
you know, beam thrillers or detectivefilms or whatever. Right, and he
occasionally would crop up in a HollywoodDarling kind of film like a Lincoln or
whatever, or you know, orone of the brat pack kind of things.
He sort of just did. Hedid sort of a few very kind

(02:46:20):
of stereotypical characters. He didn't sortof do much beyond his range, you
know what I mean? So thereis they just isn't a room for those
kind of films, I don't thinkunless we see him enter the slightly more
recent Cusack. But again, evenCusack's given up and Spader decides to become
an action hero, you know,after the Blacklist of whatever, handling guns

(02:46:43):
and stuff like, maybe Spader goesfull Nissan, Right, Maybe the next
ten years we get Spader, youknow, shagging and shooting his way through
Eastern Europe or Winnipeg, you knowwhat I mean, which are the two
places where they're movies? Right?Because the other thing about Spainer. So
I would like to see him dothose movies like he used to do them

(02:47:05):
in the nineties, and at thesame time a former jazz quartet with Jeff
Goldblum, Sam Neil and Peter Weller. That's that's that's how I want now
that the Blacklist has ended. Iwant him wearing Trilby hats, playing in
a jazz quartet with Jeff Goldblum,Sam Neil and Peter Weller. That's got

(02:47:31):
to be the greatest jazz quartet ofall time. Occasionally get Andrew McCarthy on
vocals, and you know what Imean, Robert Downey shows up and does
a sting impression. But no,it's I think that's what I want to
see Spader doing. I want tosee him do these two to five million
dollar pictures with weird, interesting directorswhere basically the plot hinges on whether he's

(02:47:52):
had sex with someone or not,because that's what all Spader plots should hinge
on, and he just gets tomake ten of in a row while on
the weekends he plays jazz with threeother completely bizarre human beings. Right well,
because the other point that's great aboutthe Netflix thing is that the Blacklist
is on Netflix. And a lotof times what Netflix likes to do is

(02:48:13):
they like to have sort of thesetie in things like, oh, we've
got the Irishman here, watch theseother score says he movies. You know,
It's like they kind of like contenttogether, and so it's a great
way to be like, Okay,hey, Spader makes you know, and
they may even give him more ofa budget. They might even give him
like ten million to make these movies. And and it's like, oh,
you like the Blacklist, watch thiswith Spader and it's got you know,

(02:48:33):
Spader looking like a Blacklist character onit. But you're but it's you're right.
It's like it's it's got to belike a Cronenberg or a diploma.
Is anyone who can't get that's init. Anyone who can't currently get like
just a five million dollar movie madebecause there just isn't that landscape. Netflix

(02:48:54):
decides, Look, he's made usa ton of money with The Blacklist.
You know him, you love him. He's got a tribe and a flouncy
scarf. We're putting money on Spader, and as long as he doesn't break
the five million dollar budget, hecan do what he likes. So Spader
immediately calls up the sleziest, theten sleziest directors you can possibly imagine,

(02:49:18):
Deparma. He's like, oh,who wasn't he made all those sex films
in the seventies and eighties. Deparma, Right, he got Ginger Pubes on
screen, like he got Michael Cainein a movie with Ginger Pubes. That's
what he was able to do.The mad Deparma Bustard. Yeah, I
mean DePalma, the Cronenberg. Imean, there's gonna be some European ones

(02:49:39):
to mean, what what's what's forHoven? Right for? Can you imagine
a Spader Forhoven movie fluids everywhere?Yeah? It just brings and like have
have Peter Weller play like a smallpart as like a you know, a
guy with like a pea coat anda scarf and a Troby hat who play

(02:50:00):
like the sax that he replace jazzmusic like at a club and has a
few good lines, while Spader islike seducing some woman at the bar who
they go back and have sex orwhatever. See this is the world I
want to live in, Matt whereSpader and his random friends make ten just
of the weirdest films on Netflix andjust bow out like that would be the

(02:50:24):
greatest thing while being in a jazzcourt, right, yes, all right,
so that's what we want Andy andKim for Spader to do. Andy
Len's question, and this is,I believe the last question of the night.
Andy Lane asks, when choosing anew hat, what in particular do
you think Spader looks out for?So, so, what are the things

(02:50:48):
that you think we're going to seeSpader wearing on his head in the near
future hat wise? Boy? Imean, I mean, I feel like
it's one of those things where likeif he walks past the thrift store or
something like that, and and hejust sees something on a mannikin and his
gender doesn't have to be you knoweither, he's gender fluid. Yeah.
It like I think it's going toprobably be a certain color. I feel

(02:51:11):
like I feel like he's probably moreof like, not like an over the
top primary color. No, helikes a tope, but only because he
loves to say the word tope,and he leaves it hanging in the air
until the woman who runs the thriftshop is thoroughly uncomfortable. He goes because
he just picks up and he goes, what what color would you say this
was would you call it tope?And he would just leave it. He

(02:51:37):
would like, hang in the air, dribbling out of his mouth, Tope,
do that smile? Yeah right,And she would just look like her
soul had been sucked from her bodyand she knew that she was powerless to
stop whatever was coming next, andshe would just stammer, yes, it's
toe ish, and then he wouldbe like, I would like to buy

(02:52:01):
this tope hat. You might evenask to tell you no one what you
saw this day. You might evensay something too, like like I don't
have my wallet on me, andI don't do apple peg because I've read
I read his tribe. He doesn'thave a computer, so I can imagine
his Apple page, like right,I don't have my wallet on me.

(02:52:22):
Would you be willing to be paidin poetry or you know I could meet
you something in return and come backin two weeks with this, you know,
would you like to be paid offwith exorbitant kind of lingis uh and
on the on the shelf in theback kitchen right now, because if you'd
be willing to take payment in oralsex, I am lubricated and ready and

(02:52:46):
to be your Servile Mistress is howhe would start each movie. Every movie
would start with that scene, andwe'd be like, Oh, it's a
Spader joint. Now that's what Iwant to see James Spader doing. God,
now that's what I want to seeJames Spader doing. I know that's
not what it's going to do.I know because he was like, I
don't really like acting. I justdo it so I could take exorbitant road

(02:53:07):
trips with my rich friends. Andnow I feel like he's made all the
money he's ever going to need forThe Blacklist, I don't know that.
We see Spader in another thing andI s NBC comes calling and says,
we're going to do a spin offoff The Blacklist called Noblist. You go
around and sleep sleep with the gueststar every week. Well, while the

(02:53:33):
audience goes, wait, I thoughtshe was meant to be his daughter,
And then they were like yes,But from from the way Spader was sleezing
over her in the scenes, everyonewas very uncomfortable with the idea that she
was his daughter because he was sooozing towards her in such a reptilian fashion

(02:53:54):
that they were like, she can'tpossibly be his daughter, and then he
would like look at the camera andbe like, but she is my daughter,
and I'm still slightly aroused by her, because that's what the whole of
watching The Blackness was like. Youwere like, but surely she's his daughter.
And then he would show up andbe like, will hello, my
dear, and like drape his thumbsinto his waistcoat or whatever, and you'd

(02:54:16):
be like, oh, wait,she can't be his daughter because he's clearly
tried to try to sleep with her. But by the same token, Spader
is so delighted at the horror thatthe audience is feeling as this constantly goes
on throughout the series that to him, he strung us out on a sting

(02:54:39):
like I'm bringing sting back into iton a sting like tantric, you know,
ten year long orgasm that Spader justsprinkled out across the decade, never
allowing us to have befully. Butshe's his daughter. The only ray this
makes sense is if she's his daughter, will hello, and he would slither

(02:55:01):
up to her and be like,oh, Emily or whatever they was,
well, I don't know what abeatriss whoever they was, Oh, let's
go on another case together. Oh, where I fly around in very small
planes, sipping tiny cups of coffee, taking it up like the giant flesh
egg that I've become. Put anothertrill beyond me, my dear, and
make it dope, at which pointshe just completely collapses in orgasmic disarray and

(02:55:26):
we're like, isn't she his daughter? And that just went on for ten
years. Well, from Spader's standpoint, right, this is where the TV
thing comes up against his sensibilities,because his nineties movie sensibilities would have been
like, this is what's going tohappen in this independent film that we're making.

(02:55:46):
Right, she's my daughter, butwe're going to hook up and we're
going to do it, you knowwhere It's like NBC is like, no,
you can't do that. This isyou're still on broadcast television in America.
This is too ridiculous. We're notdoing that. You just wait and
see what I'm going to get awaywith. I'm going to strut around like
a peacock with a giant boner andthere's not a damn thing you can do

(02:56:07):
about it. I'm going to holdguns like I'm holding my peaks and I
am spraying the oncoming criminals with ropesof archadges and everyone's like, this is
just a show about a spy whosolves other spies cases, right, But
I'm going to make it about ademon prowling through the fertile undergrowth of society

(02:56:35):
looking for people he can pick offor bone. And they're like, I
don't think we think of the Blacklistas the same thing. And he's like,
tough, I've signed the contract andwithout me, there's no show.
And they're like, fuck, we'restuck in some kind of Lynchian dystopian nightmare
where we have to make this familyfriendly, forty five minute case of the

(02:56:56):
weak type show that's sort of alaw and all the ish type thing meets
the mentalist meets Castle meets whatever,this kind of like fun, friendly spy
espionage solvera case a week thing,and you've turned it into Dante's Seventh Circle
of Sex. And he's like,yeah, that's what I've done, and
I'm very proud about it. You'rewelcome, NBC. And it's a huge

(02:57:22):
success and it's because people are watchingit going. But it's his daughter.
The only way the whole fucking showmakes sense. Well, not his daughter.
It's never his daughter never admit it, never because he keeps trying to
know it off with her. It'slike the same thing as the Practice,
where it's like America is just usedto this sort of bland, kind of

(02:57:43):
boiled Dylan McDermot kind of thing,and all of a sudden you inject spear
into it, and like you said, he's carrying chairs around with it with
a plum that he's doing all kinds, you know, and it's like America's
just like I've never seen this before. It's like you're set eating sushi and
dainty Chinese restaurant and someone plumks agiant octopus on your table that just starts

(02:58:05):
flapping and spitting and kicking, andyou're suddenly like, wait, we were
having dainty little sushi and suddenly incomes this hard on on fate. Well,
because for most of America, whoyou know, like movies like Critical
Care, Like most of America who'swatching the Practice, watching the Blacklist,
they've ever heard of critical care.They don't even know what a critical care

(02:58:26):
is, let alone keys to Tulsaor any other stuff, right, susilm
ever made right, Yeah, theydon't know any of this stuff. And
and so then they see him,like you said, just sort of coming
in as this like octopus being floppedon the table, and they're like,
oh wait a second, that's different, like and and there's a part of

(02:58:48):
them Spader does it in this wayI think where it's like most of the
time for people that are watching thatkind of stuff, when they see something
different, they're like, I don'tthink I like different. Let me change
the chance. Oh, now thatit's different, I don't want to watch
it anymore. But there's different.It's kind of an intriguing difference. Oh
yeah, entices you and repels youin equal measure. I don't know how
he does it. He maintains alevel of allure and disgust at exactly the

(02:59:13):
same time, and it's it's sortof phenomenal. It's sort of it's sort
of a line that very very fewpeople can walk. Because you you wouldn't
trust him to open an all nightlaundry, you know what I mean.
Like you wouldn't trust him to,you know, run the register at a

(02:59:35):
liquor shop like you just you wouldn'tbecause he'd be like, lick hers certainly?
Is that my job? You know? And you'd be like, no,
James, Why would anyone think that, Well, it's kind of That's
how I'm gonna think about it,because he's sort of the American Roger Moore
in that respect. But you see, Roger Moore, though alured you and

(02:59:56):
charmed you, you were never fullyrepulsed by Roger Moore in view to a
kill where he's like, clearly seventyfive wearing a blonde wig. Why is
he blonde in view to a girland wearing a lot of those like life
preserver jackets to try and cover uphis paunch and his fucking trusts that he's
having aware to keep his paunch.But even when he's that repellent, you

(03:00:18):
kind of loved Roger Moore, Andif he did have it away with the
much much, much much younger actors, you were like, that's fine,
I'm okay with that. Spader.On the other hand, he has all
the Roger Moore, He has allof the charm and all of the oohs
and all of the well hello,my DearS. He has all of that,
But then he has a layer underneaththat. You know, he is

(03:00:39):
capable of such inhumane debauchery on alevel not seen since the Marquis de Sade
and you just he innately communicates tothe audience, don't ever ever trust me,
and don't ever leave me alone withyour daughters. There was a scene

(03:01:03):
in I was watching, Uh isit Straight to Hell? The Alex Cox
Western? Is that what it's called? Yes? And in that movie,
uh lead singer of the Clash Aman, I fucking name's gone out of
my head. Oh oh, whycan't I think of the name either?

(03:01:24):
That's horrible because we should know.Yeah, that's like a I do know
who it is, I just can'tthink. Yeah, Straight to Hell West,
you know what it is too?That everybody's gonna be listening to this?
Yeah, yeah. So in thein the movie Straight to Hell,

(03:01:46):
one of the coolest like characters inthe movie is played by Clash leads uh
singer Joe's Strummer or bass player orsomething. He's in the class Joe's Trummer's
in the Clash. So one ofthe coolest characters in Straight the Hell is
played by Joe Strummer from the Clash. And there's a scene in which this

(03:02:07):
ridiculous store owner who's very highly strungand very jealous of his much younger,
much hotter wife sees Joe Strummer comein, sees that his daughter or his
wife or whoever she is, isinstantly aroused by Joe's Strummer and wants nothing
more than to be on Joe Strummer. They convolute to get this annoying guy

(03:02:31):
to leave the shop, and themoment they leave the shop, they just
immediately pounce on each other. Andthen of course he comes back in thirty
seconds and they're like, act likenothing's going on, and then he goes
away again and they pounce on eachother and then he comes back and he
catches them right. So it's it'sit's it's like that. It's like the
idea that if you left Spader justalone for too long, that just happens,

(03:02:56):
and he somehow gives that off.Whereas I've heard in real life he's
sort of a very nervous, veryanxious, very shy, very possibly like
germophobic, sort of kind of almostyou know, quiet guy who yes,
I know, has a is hissecond wife, I think, and has

(03:03:18):
a kid and stuff, and she'syounger than him and whatever. Yeah,
although he's slightly doing that, it'sit's never. It's never to Jack Nicholson
or James Woodsey in proportion. It'syou always just kind of go like,
ah, you've earned it, Jimmy. Just just keep it out of the
limelight, like don't you know whatI mean, Like, just don't just

(03:03:41):
be quiet, just live on theLower East Side and potter about with your
with your nannies and whatever. Wewon't say a word. Because he has
his two kids from his first wifethat were both born like one was born
in like eighty nine and the otherwas in ninety two. She has like
thirty year old kids, and thenhe's got this the other childthers born.
I think it like, oh wait, who's like a teenager now? I
guess. But yeah, so evenin that relationship, I think she's older

(03:04:05):
now. Yeah, so like hedidn't just like Trader in for a new
you know, like, what's thejoke about DiCaprio that like twenty five is
too old? I guess yeah forhim. Yeah, But I mean again,
I just think somehow Spader has andI don't understand. I guess because
he never And this is what Ialways have to remember. If you see

(03:04:26):
people over and over again on thepress circuit, on podcasts, on you
know, the view whatever it is, it's because they want to be there.
It's because a publicist company has said, go do that. Spader never
all through the brat Pack years andthen blah blah blah blah blah, very

(03:04:48):
rarely ever gave interviews unless it wasat a film festival like can or something
where he was trying to get Crashnoticed or trying to get you know,
one of his earlier film's note.Outside of that, he never really was
interviewed very much. Never liked interviews, And even all the time he was
doing The Blacklist, I think heonly went on Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel,

(03:05:11):
and I think he just did that. Why once a season he would
do that, but that was it. He wouldn't like, he didn't do
a lot. And so although weknow bits about Spader's life and we know
bits about what he's sort of dottedthroughout his interviews and things, no one's
talking about James Spader except us,meaning in a good way, Like people
aren't doing an expose on James Spader. TMZ are not chasing James Spader down

(03:05:33):
at the airport, you know whatI mean, Because he keeps his mouth
shut and he just does his joband then he goes home and has a
wife and a kid, and thenhe shows up on Jimmy Fallon and makes
a couple of jokes about throwing upon Jackie O and people are like,
oh, how quaint. And thenhe goes back to the you know,
his rutting pad in New York Cityand does whatever diabolical things that James Spader

(03:05:56):
gets up to. Allegedly, hearsay, I've heard people say, you know
so, it's it's and yet he'she's got the you know this this like
quiet mystique about him, and soit's it's a really interesting thing because on
camera he is both deadly and attractive, and then in real real life he's

(03:06:16):
just like I like rock music andsex and hanging out with my kid and
staying home, you know what Imean. He's just like, he's just
like a guy who's just like,don't ask me too many things. I'm
not going to tell you. Andthat's when when you see you know so
and so exposed, you know,story gets leaked about the first time,

(03:06:37):
you know, they lost their virginityor something, and they're horrified or whatever.
You go, No, it didn'tjust happen. It didn't just happen
because people weren't sat around being like, well, we better record it.
The next time Jessica whatever her nameis, tells people how she lost her
viginity. How about you stop tellingpeople how you lost your virginity and then
it wouldn't happen because Spader doesn't tellus, and he leaves it dangling man

(03:07:00):
dangly right above everything he does.Where you go, I cannot imagine the
demons that were born of hell thatnight that James consummated a relationship for the
first time. Can you imagine therupture, the fissure that the Earth would
fail? Right? You know youwere talking about Cusac earlier, right,

(03:07:20):
And it's so fascinating, like thedifference between the two where it's like Spader
says on IMDb or whatever, it'smentioned that he doesn't even have a computer,
right, right, So we don'tsee him on Twitter, like you
know, like like Cusack was onthese drunken rants on Twitter, these like
typo written like things about like politicsand things. He doesn't even know what

(03:07:41):
he's talking about half the time.He's just like spewing this stuff out.
Like you don't see Spader doing thatkind of thing, right, right,
Spina could be prancing around behind closeddoors wearing a maga hat and tiny little
red maga wife fronts, you know, writing his wife like a donkey whipping
his child with an old fashioned haybroom, you know, one of those

(03:08:07):
that they have, like like ahanging up next to a cold scuttle in
a medieval re enactment fair or whateverhe's I mean, who knows what he
could be doing. He could bebehind closed doors with you know, all
the fucking Wall Street types firing gunsinto cow carcasses while their wives run around
and clean up the mass. Like, who knows what he's like behind closed

(03:08:31):
doors? We have no idea.He could be quiet, mild mannered,
felt clothes wearing luche who just liesaround his apartment like a volume of slug,
listening to Rolling Stones records and askingfor more cups of cararameal herb scented
tea or whatever, or fucking kombuchaor some shit. Or he could be

(03:08:56):
an absolute menace, an absolute Hecould be Epstein levels of insanity, and
who knows. We know nothing aboutSpader, We can but speculate, which
is why literally his films are soutterly delicious, so Matt, we're going

(03:09:18):
to wrap this up. I'm goingto I have one more thing I want
to talk about with pump up thevolume. But before we do that,
last thoughts, last comments, andtell everyone where they can find you on
a regular basis. Yeah, so, so, I mean, I guess
your final comment on this. Youknow, I think this movie's on two
B. I mean it's for afree streamer hour forty five minutes in and

(03:09:41):
out. I think it's it's agreat free streamer is also James Spader's porn
chat room name yeah, free streamereight. There was seven others when he
joined, and he's mad. He'sbeen writing after the porn forums being like

(03:10:01):
you've I'm James Spader, damn it. Make me free speed streamer one.
Can't do it, Jimmy can't doit. There's seven ahead of you.
But yeah, for me, youcan find me. DTV kind of sword
up blogspot dot com. That's wherethe leaks are to everything, the novels,
the podcast, the blog. It'sall right there. So d t

(03:10:22):
V kind of sword up blogspot dotcom. Yes, not free streamer who
has said some of the sickest things. You know, born forums don't ban
a lot of things, but freeStreamer eight has had pretty a few black
marks against him. So here's myrant, Matt. I was watching Pomp

(03:10:46):
Up the Volume the other day withyet another kind of teenage girl's crumpet,
thinking man's crumpet. Christian Slater.Christian Slater. He's got a very Spader
s quality in this movie in PumpUp the Volume a little bit but a
little more vocal, a little moreagitate, a little bit more excitable,

(03:11:07):
and certainly more crude. But you'vegot the pump up the volume. And
at the very end of the movie, I don't know if you remember,
they're trying to like chase him down, and he's got this he because Christian
Slater is an electronics expert hitherto undiscoveredin the nineteen eighties, and he manages

(03:11:28):
to rig a completely perfect portable radiobroadcasting kit into the back of his mom's
jeep and he's driving around broadcasting liveand everyone can hear him absolutely perfectly,
even over the police sirens and theexplosions everything else is having. And he's
driving through this big meetup with allthe people, and as just right before

(03:11:50):
he gets arrested, he's saying intothe mic steal the air. It's your
air. Start up a show,pick a name, do a thing,
blah blah blah blah blah. Fillthe air up, Fill the air with
everything you've ever wanted to say anddo. Don't be silence, don't be
silence, don't be silent. AndI was watching that and I'm like,
that's why we all started podcasts,Matt. And the thing was is at

(03:12:13):
a certain point, and podcasts wereon that shining thing that pump up the
volume aesthetic. Sure you had KevinSmith and you had Mark Marin and so
on, but those were both peoplewho they didn't understand the form yet either,

(03:12:33):
Like they were figuring out the formjust like the rest of us were,
and we all took it up andmade it our own form, you
know what I mean. And everyonehas experimented with it. And it was
this glorious pump up the volume styletime where every single subject matter from you
know, Alec Baldwin's performances Boss Babyin the cartoon movie Boss Baby, all

(03:12:58):
the way through to the troubles inthe Middle East and everything in between,
including true crime true crime. Therewas at least eight more true crime,
probably eighty five more, probably eightyfive thousand more true crime podcasts. Then
there was another one hundred and eightyfive thousand podcasts about films, but you

(03:13:20):
could go through the whole gamut.It was this wonderful free for all and
people were figuring it out and wewere all discovering it. And I've been
doing this now thirteen years, andso you know, that was our heyday
and we had that pump up thevolume aesthetic. And now every single sodding

(03:13:43):
celebrity who already had TV and fuckingfilms, now they all have fucking podcasts
and they're corporatizing it and they're makingit suck for the rest of us.
And you know it's funny, rightbecause when you think of Spotify, all
the big celebrity musicians were on theirfirst, and then they led us little
guys on here. Podcasting was theother way round. We were here first

(03:14:09):
and then these vultures, fucking corporateshills were there. And now I'm going
to start my podcast with an advertfor fucking better help psychiatric blah blah.
Give us three hundred dollars and anuntrained, unlicensed therapist or talk your era
off for half an hour and we'llpark it the money, thank you very
much, or whatever I'm being meanto better help it. It might help

(03:14:33):
people, It might be wonderful.I have no idea. It sounds like
a scam to me, but that'sjust me because everything on the internet is
to collect your data, So whynot just go to therapy and collect your
data? You know what I mean? So, but then you know,
podcasts and shows have all become corporatized. Now everyone's fucking chilling, and I
listen. I love Conan O'Brien.I love Conan O'Brien. But when he

(03:14:56):
does millerlight adds my fucking soul die, my fucking soul dyes when he does
ads for like insurance companies, andshit, do you know what I saw
today, Matt. There's this guyon Instagram who does an Instagram feed where
he makes little twee rustic dinners tohave with his dog. And he does

(03:15:18):
it in a little log cabin orout in a woodland glade, and he
whispers and he says, all right, buddy, And he has this big
friendly mustache and a little cloth capand wears old timey clothing and everything is
seventies or like seventeen seventies. It'seither one or the other. It's either
like an old wooden shack or it'slike kind of sexy seventies. Either way,

(03:15:41):
and he's like, all right,buddy, and he has these cute
little dogs, and he's making foodand he's whispering. He's basically found a
way to combine the three biggest memorablethings, you know, whispering, dogs
and cooking things. He's put themall into one thing, right. And
I used to watch this stuff becausesometimes it was kind of quaite mellow,
and there was a dog in it, and he cooked a burger and you

(03:16:03):
kind of went, Okay, there'ssomeone in a woodland glade cooking a burger
for his dog. This warms myheart enough for me to be able to
not hate everything that happens today.And then do you know what I saw
today? Matt? Do you knowwhat I saw today? No, he's
he is now all His latest videowas sponsored and literally featured swag from the

(03:16:24):
insurance company Geico, at which pointI unfollowed him and decided because it was
like someone it was like someone hadreached into your No I'm not gonna say
your favorite teddy Bear, but let'sjust say like one of the Teddy Bears
that was making you happy at thatmoment, and they reached inside the teddy

(03:16:46):
Bear and pulled out a still beatingCronenbergian green oozing Robert Rodrigue's heart, and
you were so horrified by it thatyou could never have hope, dreams,
or happiness again. That's what itwas like watching Hello Buddy, and now
from Geico. Fuck, even you'vesold out, you miserable cretin, even

(03:17:07):
you serving up coziness and whatever.You're gonna be infested with the insurance company
that fucking has more mascots than ithas insurance policies. Well do you remember
earth disappointed? Well, I rememberearly in the blog period, you know,
like when blogging was kind of becominga big thing. I remember like

(03:17:28):
movie studios would reach out like Universalwould reach out about like somebody from their
company would reach out about like,oh, this big movie is coming out.
Hey. I used to get screenersand do interviews and all sorts.
Y yeah, and they'd be like, will you talk about this movie on
your site? And it's like,well, you're you know, like like
you guys could cover my student loansdebt with like a rounding error. I'm

(03:17:50):
not doing this for free, likeI will talk about your movie if you
know, but I'm gonna give youfree advertising. But there would be a
lot of people that would be likeon Twitter, so being like the same
campaigns. They'd be like so excited, like to be like, oh,
I've got you know, I'm doinga giveaway for this movie or whatever.
And it's like, you know,I did that, Matt I sell I
selld myself. But because it wasn'tthe Geico, it was too movie companies

(03:18:11):
and I'm in support of the moviecompany. And I never covered a film
that I didn't like. The onesthat I covered were just the ones I
like, well, like an Indiacomes up to me to say, hey,
can you review my movie, It'slike yeah, I'll get the word
about your movie or something like that. But like Universal, I was like,
I'm not doing you know. Iwas like, you pay me,
you know, y'all do it becauseI would do it for money, like
I like the things they wanted meto do it for free, and it's
like, well okay, but likeyeah, I mean I like for my

(03:18:35):
pocket. I do wonder like likeif like like if Geico came to be
inside, but see, I wonderhow much they even pay, right,
Like, I wonder, like rightcause it's gonna be like she's going to
keep him in between caps and dogs. He can drown or whatever he does.
I mean, what if you foundthat out the man who took money
from Guyico secretly, you know,those cute puppies that are in this film,
drowns him. He's gotta he's gota dog fighting ring, and when

(03:18:58):
they're too old to fight, heputs them in these films. You're like,
wait, what the guy who usedto do Hello Buddy with the little
Burger for his dog in a woodlandglade four dogs, and when they were
too old he put them in thesecozy videos for fucking Instagram, which Guyic
paid for and then he dropped themin a stream. Yeah, that's exactly
what I'm telling you, allegedly Iheard. I do wonder because the cat

(03:19:20):
ones, maybe even more so thanthe dog ones, because it's like like
we'll try to take a picture ofone of our cats and just trying to
take a picture and them let alone, like get them on video doing something
quaint or funny or something like that, they just run off and do it.
I do wonder, like if you'vegot like a whole you know,
like presence on social media around youranimals, Like how much you really got

(03:19:41):
to like work on them to getthem to do what you want them to
do with sticks, prom with cattleprods. No, I don't know that
I heard. I said. It'slike you watch Theason, You're like,
oh, look at how cute andprecocious this cat is. It's like,
you know, doing this cute.How many entreats are you giving your animal?
Every time they do a little flip. You're like, oh, here's
another carbohydrate on full of green thatI'm going to give to this And it's

(03:20:07):
like, yeah, we know withlike like one of our cats gets the
steroid thing on their ear because theyhave you know, asthma, and so
for my wife to get the gethim to do it, she just gives
them a treat and then the othercat wants a treat as well at the
same time, and so she wouldgive them a couple of treats. They
start to have stomach issues because theycan't have that many. You know,
those treats are like so you know, like so rich. But I would

(03:20:28):
imagine, yeah, if you're likemaking three videos a day on Instagram three
reels a day on Instagram with yourcats, Like you just got to go
through like bags of those like temptationsthings, you know, to get them
to do what you want cats andparticular. This podcast does not endorse Temptations
or any other tasting co festival forcats. We don't endorse cats products or

(03:20:50):
cat buy products. We mentioned thempurely as a touchstone. Say, my
wife and I, we don't evengive them that we because she gets like
some kind of fan to your brand. It's like it's like salmon. That's
like either like salmon bizrom like that, but it's like you shake that bag
twice and suddenly they just they couldbe anywhere. They could be the dead
sleep, they could be, youknow, three miles away, and they

(03:21:11):
will hear that shake and they willcome. My cat. I'm not even
kidding when I used to have acat, because I used to have a
cat many many lives ago, Matt, many many lives ago, and I
would be making a Tunameo sandwich.The cat could be two flights up in
the bedroom at the other end ofthe house right and I could be down

(03:21:35):
in the kitchen. I could takethe can down, I could get the
can opener. I could very quietlyput the can open. In the moment
I turned that, I would heara thud and then running down the stairs
and he would come and sit rightby my feet. And what I used
to do is I would completely emptyout the tuna can, you know,

(03:21:58):
to the point where there's just afew flakes or what. And I would,
just because they have the cat's safetylids, put it on the floor
and he would just bury his headin it and just move it like a
hockey park around the floor for hours, happy as anything. And when you
can give an animal that kind ofhappiness, Matt, it's all been worth
it. Words to live by JamesSpader. Give some animals some happiness,

(03:22:22):
but not in your way, ina nice way, like a John Stewart
way, you know, adopted goator something. And whatever you do,
Spader, keep on spadering, becausewe would be sad if you didn't.
This has been an epic episode.This has covered so much and we have
gone through such a roller coaster,Matt. I don't know how we will

(03:22:43):
ever better it, but we willnext next time, Critical Care, Do
we have to add something to thesleezaitorium? Oh good? Point. Yes,
last thing we have to always doon a Sleazy Spader episode. Good
job, Matt, well done earninghis co host stripes there is we have

(03:23:05):
to put something from critical Care intothe sleezeatorium. Uh and uh do you
do you know what you would putin the sezatorium. So the best that
I could come up with was AlbertBrooks's mustache from the because I don't think
it's a real mustache. It's gotto be a definitely feel that off and

(03:23:28):
throw out the seatorium. That waswhat I Yeah, okay, why why
his mustache? What do you thinkis his mustache? Just because the whole
Albert Brooks, like that whole likecostume thing that he was wearing, I
mean like you were talking about.I mean it looked like if like SNL
was doing a sketch where somebody's supposedto be Albert Einstein. Like that's that's
how it looked. Yes, itlooked like it looked like Peter Falk at
the beginning of The Prince's Bread wherethey didn't spend too much money on,

(03:23:52):
you know, making his hair white. They just threw some Chalcolm powder around
him and cut on Peter. You'reonly on one scene, but it's started
to have the movie. Is thathow Peter Folk talks? I don't know
anyway? And another thing, Soyeah, what would we put the estorium
I was trying to think, Imean, probably something to do with like

(03:24:15):
Helen Mirren's scar like, probably somethingthat dark, probably Helen Mirren's scar and
Kiris Cedric's French basque that she waswearing. And he has that and the
scar like glued to it so thatwhoever wears it he has to what he

(03:24:37):
calls feel the scar and they're scared, but also, as I said,
violently aroused, and they don't knowwhat to do about it, because he's
a He's an enigma. Even evenhis IMDb photograph, which is him on
the red carpet of some awards ceremonyor some whatever. Right, even his

(03:25:01):
picture, he has a look onhis face that says, if you come
one step closer, I'm either killingyou, fucking you, or killing you
and then fucking you. Like hehas the darkest look in his eye.
But also he looks like your friendlyaccountant who can be like, hello,
I'm Chester, please come in,I'll do your taxes. You know what

(03:25:22):
I mean. He's so ah themany Faces of James Spader. It's he
is an enigma wrapped in a fleshsack, wrapped in a sex orb,
wrapped in an inflatable bed, andplaced under the dying corpse of Jeffrey Wright.

(03:25:45):
Only so you know that Spader wason set, Yeah, under the
inflatable bed with like so they cuta hole in the floor and he's got
like binoculars looking through the inflatable bed. And that's how he looked at the
scene when Helen Miron took her topoff. He was watching from underneath the
inflatable bed and like through the crackin the legs of Jeffrey Wright. And

(03:26:11):
that's how he wanted to view Mirron'sboobs. He wanted to, That's how
he wanted to. He's like,that's Sydney, dear boy, I want
to build a room underneath this room. Well, there isn't a room,
Spade, Well, dig one,Sydney, dig one. Why does there
need to be a room below thisroom? Well, because he's going to
cut a hole in the floor andstare at Miron's boobs. See, I

(03:26:35):
think the opposite. I think becausethis used to be a Banorsky Fredil and
Ray said that they already had thathole there that they were using for shots
of like you know, upskirts andwhatever kind of shy good angles to get
good boob shots and everything. ThatSpader saw that and said, this is
what I want to use that.Oh, no, you're right, you
are right, Yes, you're right. No, he found every peep hole

(03:26:56):
in the set. That's what hedid, because you know he's Sprader,
and uh, that's Jim Winowski.It's surprised Jim Whinowski never costcames. What
if the next the ten movies thathe does, he does a fully endorsed
partnership with Jim Minowski. Yeah,and it's like an Andy Siddaris type thing

(03:27:22):
where Wenorsky just makes like ten youknow, Sidaris was win Orsky fred O
Andray style movies and Spider is inevery single one of them. Yeah,
and that would be amazing, likelike like topless hot tub scenes with like
Julie K. Smith and things likethat, right, like you just just
geet like that whole crew, youknow, like whoever's available. I mean,

(03:27:45):
Julie K. Smith, I thinkshe still does stuff with Minorski.
So it's like, yeah, Imean and I saw that story Daniels did
one with her. She did awhich is a breastweight, but then apparently
she got fired from the second onebecause I heard win Orsky didn't get along.
So who knows if he's got likecertain act or says that he works
with. But I mean Spader aslike like the character, because I guess

(03:28:05):
like Cedars would cast himself in thosemovies, so maybe it would be like
him playing the Cedars character. Buteven like if he was like this like
Bosly from from Charlie's Angels kind ofthing where he just sits in the hot
tub, you know, no shirton, with his bald head, like
listening with hot tub water and justbeing like, oh, girls, we've
got to go take out you know, the baddie Erica Strout or whoever's the
bad guy in Las Vegas, andyou know, and and these women are

(03:28:28):
just sitting around him with like bikiniswith the topless in the hot tubs,
and he's just like staring at themlike, you know, like, oh,
well they're just topless, you know, and they're like playing it straight,
right, They're just like like youknow, you know. So and
so he runs the cartel out ofit and then they're trying to run.
Yeah, well then you've got togo get him. You've got to go
to you know, whatever it's like. And occasionally he just does this,

(03:28:52):
he just goes like that as ifhe's going to touch, as if he's
going to and then he just stopstantalizingly close to the bosom and then like
licks his lips and withdraws his hand. Yeah, that would be, like
they say, Netflix could like iflike Sedaris is like so like sweet generous,

(03:29:13):
that like you can't imagine somebody elserecreating it and coming up with the
same magic. But if you weregoing to try, if you're going to
try to reboot or kind of doare the two men to do it?
That's the that's that would be it, right And then you know when obviously
some of them, like Julie caseSmith worked on them, so you know,
so they were they were available forthem. I mean, that would

(03:29:33):
be the thing, and Netflix wouldbe the place to show it. And
Shannon Tweed comes out of retirement.Shannon Tweet comes out of retirement and she's
like, if Spader is getting intothe so perfect, Tweet is just like
I'm getting back in the game.I need to just it just just Jane
Simmons crying his eyes out. Spadadoes like wraps his you know, tentacle

(03:29:58):
around tweet shoulder, grabs her shoulderand walks her out of the room.
Gene Simmons just weeps for he knowshis wife is about to be conquered.
But she's from Newfoundland originally, Ithink. And I could just see like
Spader just wanting to talk to herabout Newfoundland, like I hear you from
Newfoundland? Yeah, having sex,right, I've heard it's beautiful there in

(03:30:28):
the springtime. She's just like fish, there's fish. He's just like,
yes, there are fish. Tellme about the fish, all right,
Okay, Uh, that's it.Everybody. We've put things in this lasatorium.
We have talked about critical care.We have looked at James Spader up
down, inside out, roundabout.We can't decide if he's good, bad,

(03:30:52):
or in different And we just don'tknow. Wilchester the account that ever
do the taxes? Probably not.But it's been a twisty, turny Alkham's
confusion of a show. And Matthew, thank you so much for being the
co writer on the storm that wasthis particular episode, the inaugural episode of

(03:31:13):
Sleazy Splay of Springtime twenty twenty four

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Season 2 - Ep 12 - Critical Care - Sleazy Spader Springtime 7: "Sleaze the Day" No. 1

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Season 2 - Ep 12 - Critical Care - Sleazy Spader Springtime 7: "Sleaze the Day" No. 1