October 23, 2024 • 19 mins
Send in a question or comment via text.
Resisting the reality of anxiety - the fact that it does exist in your life even when you are trying really hard to escape it or make it stop - means clinging to "feel good" expectations that are rarely met. This mismatch between expectations, demands, and reality can make overcoming chronic or disordered anxiety even harder than it already is.
Let's take a look at how expectations and demands can get in the way of learning valuable acceptance and capability lessons that form the core of anxiety disorder recovery. We'll drag some neuroscience and cognitive science into the discussion, relying on predictive processing models of experience to conceptualize why hanging on so tightly and fighting against anxiety that exists without a corresponding real world threat can keep us stuck.
For full show notes on this episode:
https://theanxioustruth.com/303
Support The Anxious Truth: If you find the podcast helpful and want to support my work, you can buy me a coffee. Other ways to support my work like buying a book or signing up for a low cost workshop can be found on my website. None of this is never required, but always appreciated!
Interested in doing therapy with me? For more information on working with me directly to overcome your anxiety, follow this link.
Disclaimer: The Anxious Truth is not therapy or a replacement for therapy. Listening to The Anxious Truth does not create a therapeutic relationship between you and the host or guests of the podcast. Information here is provided for psychoeducational purposes. As always, when you have questions about your own well-being, please consult your mental health and/or medical care providers. If you are having a mental health crisis, always reach out immediately for in-person help.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
This week on the Anxious Truth, the podcast about
anxiety, anxiety disorders andanxiety recovery.
We're going to be talking aboutexpectations and how they
matter.
If you're struggling withanxiety all the time but
insisting on expecting to becalm, it's going to be a rough
ride.
So let's get into that rightnow.
Hello everyone, welcome back tothe Anxious Truth.
(00:32):
This is episode 303 of thepodcast we are recording in
October of 2024 and I am DrewLinsalata, creator and host of
the Anxious Truth.
I am, as of October 2024, atherapist practicing under
supervision, with a specialty inanxiety and anxiety disorders.
I'm a three-time author on thetopic of anxiety disorders and
anxiety recovery, a formersufferer, unfortunately, of
panic disorder, agoraphobia, ocdand depression for many years
(00:54):
of my life, on and off, butdoing much better now, thank you
, and an educator and anadvocate in the anxiety disorder
community.
If this is your first time hereat the Anxious Truth, I do hope
that you find today's episodehelpful and I encourage you to
check out all the other freepodcast episodes and videos I've
recorded over the last 10 years.
Of course, if you are areturning listener or viewer,
(01:14):
welcome back and thank you forsupporting my work by being here
and really allowing me to takeup some of your valuable time,
because I do know that it'svaluable and I appreciate you.
So today we're going to talkabout expectations.
Mainly, we're going to talkabout how always expecting or,
probably more accurately, hopingor demanding that you will have
a calm body and mind.
(01:34):
There's nothing wrong withwanting to be calm and having
nice days, of course, but ifyour reality is that you're
struggling with anxiety most ofthe time, then expecting to be
calm and with a quiet mind isgoing to make things harder than
they already are.
What I really want to do todayis kind of shine a light on how
what we expect really does havea major influence on what we
(01:57):
experience and how we feel.
It's probably more accurate tosay that what we insist we must
have has a major impact on ourexperiences and how we feel.
But we'll get to that in aminute.
First, just a quick reminder, asalways, that beyond just this
podcast episode or this YouTubevideo, there are a ton of other
resources focused on anxietydisorders and anxiety recovery.
(02:19):
On my website, which is attheanxioustruthcom, I've written
books on this topic.
I have a range of low-costpsychoeducational workshops
available that focus on anxietydisorders and say, chronic
anxiety and recovery, and thereare all the other free videos
and podcasts and social mediacontent that I've created over
the years.
All the links to all of thosegoodies can be found on my
(02:39):
website, which is again attheanxioustruthcom.
So take a few minutes andcertainly check that out.
Avail yourself of all thethings.
Of course, if you havequestions about what you hear
today, you can follow the linkin the podcast description,
which is in your podcast app.
However, you're listening tosend me a message via text and,
don't worry, I don't ever seeyour number and I cannot text
(03:00):
you back, so there's no spam orgarbage involved there.
And, of course, if you'rewatching on YouTube, feel free
to leave a comment and I promiseI will do my best to circle
back here as soon as possibleand answer as many questions and
comments as I possibly can.
So let's get into the meat of itExpectations.
I want to start by looking at apractical example.
(03:20):
So my vision is terrible.
It always has been since I wasa kid.
I wear multifocal contactlenses, like I'm wearing today,
or progressive lens eyeglasses.
I even have a pair of glasseswith lenses designed
specifically for working at mydesk on the computer, like.
That's how bad my eyes are.
They really stink.
Now, after wearing thoseglasses sort of the desk glasses
(03:40):
for a few hours, I get up frommy desk and switch to my other
glasses that have theprogressive lenses.
Now if you wear glasses orcontacts, you probably know
what's coming right.
There's that period ofadjustment where my eyes and
brain have to get used to theother lenses because they have
different zones to look throughand things just look differently
when I get up from my desk.
In that instance, things justdon't look quite right.
(04:03):
I'm actually looking throughthe bottom of my progressive
lenses because I tend to keep mychin up by default and I've
forgotten that I switchedglasses.
Now this makes everythingblurry in the distance because
I'm looking through the readingpart of the lenses.
I can't really focus properlyin that situation and that leads
to feeling slightly off balanceand that all happens like boom,
(04:23):
within like a millisecond ortwo.
Right, it's pretty quick.
Now, in that situation, theexpectation of my brain was
clear focus and a steady feelingin my body, but I didn't get
that.
I got something that did notmatch that prediction.
In that moment I really didfeel a jolt of discomfort or
anxiety.
We maybe even can call it fear.
(04:43):
There was a quick like you knowwhat's that?
Because it wasn't what I wasexpecting.
Don't know what it was exactly,but it happened.
And this is where things getinteresting and tie into today's
topic.
If this was early 2008, when Iwas really struggling, the
mismatch between what my brainexpected and what it got would
have totally triggered like theanxiety and panic spiral.
(05:06):
I would have experienced thatfirst jolt of fear or discomfort
and for more on that, you couldcheck out episode 83 of the
Disorder podcast that I do withJosh Fletcher for a good
explanation of first and secondfear.
I will link that in thedescription and that mismatch
would have triggered that spiral.
Then I would have startedfighting against my experience.
(05:26):
I would have instantly startedtrying harder to sort of focus
and checking rapidly up and downto see if my eyes were working.
I would have tried to forceclarity visually.
I would have probably grabbedonto my desk and declared myself
about to tip over and ingeneral, I would have started
treating myself like I wasfragile and about to break in
some unknown way.
(05:47):
I don't really know what thatway ever was, but that's what I
would have done and you guys maybe able to relate to that,
depending on where you are inyour anxiety journey.
But here's the important partwhen I would do that like when I
would behave like I was indanger because my brain
misinterpreted the expectationmismatch as actual danger, I
(06:08):
would have created moresecondary fear, right, dr Weeks?
Dr Claire Weeks talked aboutfirst fear, second fear, and
again we talked about that onepisode 83 of Disordered.
What does that fear do?
What does any fear do?
It's going to create naturalphysical responses in the body
and it's going to kick the braininto problem-solving and
self-preservation mode, which isgenerally indicated by lots of
(06:29):
scary, racing thoughts aboutwhat disaster might have awaited
me in the next few minutes orhours, or I don't even know when
.
But again, if you're an anxiousperson listening to this
podcast or watching this video,you know what I'm talking about.
Now, for an anxious person stuckon expecting or really
demanding a calm state even whennone is to be found, this is a
(06:49):
real problem, because theinitial mismatch between my
reality and my expectation ordemands triggers a sequence that
creates an even bigger mismatchbetween what I expect or demand
and what I expect and what Iget.
So can you see the problem here?
Like this actually creates aproblem.
The mismatch betweenexpectation and reality makes an
(07:11):
anxious person react in waysthat create a larger and more
prolonged mismatch, which fuelseven more avoidance and
resistance, which creates moreof a mismatch that lasts longer,
and the cycle continues.
When you look at it this way,it's really ugly and it looks
kind of evil, doesn't it?
But this is what we experience.
(07:32):
So what are we supposed to dowith this?
Well, if we return toexpectations or demands, the
clue is to be found there.
If you are struggling with ananxiety disorder or chronic
anxiety that you fear hate, andyou're trying to desperately
control it, fix it or avoid itto no avail.
Nothing is working to do thatthen how is it helping you to
(07:53):
expect, or more accurately,demand, a calm body and mind, as
if something magic is going tohappen right now to just make
that all go away, which would benice, but that doesn't seem to
be available to us.
Well, spoiler alert, it doesn'thelp you.
That demand and expectationdoes not help you.
It describes a situation I'm,you know, bringing about here.
(08:15):
The demand for it to go away ismet with the reality that it
hasn't gone away, and thingsquickly get lit on fire and turn
into a raging inferno of fearand anxiety and panic and racing
thoughts and scary things anddiscomfort and resistance.
That fuels more fire and morediscomfort.
So what can you really do withthat?
(08:36):
Does this mean that you'redoomed to just have to expect to
suffer with anxiety every dayfor the rest of your life?
Do you have to wake up everysingle day and just expect every
day to really suck?
No, that's not at all what I'msaying here.
It might sound like that, but Ipromise that's not what I'm
saying.
But I think what we have torecognize is that wanting to
feel calm is fine.
(08:57):
It's okay to want to feel thatHell, I support that.
But demanding calm that isclearly out of reach at the
moment and that's the importantpart at the moment is
counterproductive, even thoughit seems like it makes common
sense to demand that troublingthoughts because those things
(09:29):
are here, like it or not.
We give ourselves more of afighting chance to kind of stop
the resistance and achieve anacceptance or surrender posture
when needed.
We can allow those scary anddifficult experiences to sort of
ebb and flow naturally, likeall internal experiences do, if
we let them.
Now, if you've been listening tothis podcast or watching this
YouTube channel long enough, ormaybe reading my books, you
(09:49):
already know that it's thatexperience.
It changes on its own, withoutme forcing it or managing it or
saving me myself from it, is thekey experience that turns down
the volume on the disorderedanxiety.
And yes, I'm going to say thisit gives your nervous system a
chance to sort of naturallyregulate itself over time,
(10:12):
because it knows how to do thatwithout being forced or coerced
into regulating on demand withtricks or hacks that tend not to
work or only work temporarily.
Now you might be askingyourself is there science behind
this?
Are you just making it upbecause you think it sounds good
?
Well, to be honest with you,that's a question people ask me
sometimes about this podcast orthis YouTube channel.
(10:32):
There's always science behindthis.
This isn't a science channel,so I'm not going to bury you in,
like you know, references andresearch references, but there
is science behind this.
If you dig into predictiveprocessing models of experience,
which is pretty big deal inneuroscience and cognitive
science right now, thesepredictive processing models of
experience kind of describe thecreation of a subjective
(10:55):
experience, which is what we allhave.
It's, all of our experiencesare subjective, in some way as
sort of the math that gets donewhen brains have to resolve
their predictions andexpectations with the data
streams they get from the senses.
And that's a little bitoversimplified, but that's it in
a nutshell.
In a non-anxious context, if Iget up from my desk, I expect my
(11:17):
eyes to focus and I expect tofeel steady on my feet.
When I don't, my brain sees amismatch between what it
expected its predictive modeland what it got, and then it has
to take things into account andadjust the predictive model to
accommodate the fact that I justchanged glasses and need a
minute or two to adjust.
I'm still not focusing rightand still not perfectly rock
(11:41):
solid.
But the initial jolt ofdiscomfort dissipates quickly
because there's no second fear,because my brain in that
situation was open-minded.
But the initial jolt ofdiscomfort dissipates quickly
because there's no second fear,because my brain in that
situation was open-minded.
Can a brain be open-minded?
Sure, my brain was open-mindedand it adjusted its expectation.
It adjusted its predictivemodel to more closely match the
data that it got.
Oh yeah, we just got up fromthe desk.
(12:03):
Oh yeah, we just changedglasses.
I kind of expect things to bekind of wonky for a minute or
two.
Things work out better that wayand that's one of the things
that accounts for the decreasein secondary fear and accounts
for the shortening of thatdistance between OMG, which I
had for a second, and OL, whichI also had, and a recovered
(12:24):
state.
We talked about this before onthe podcast and here on the
YouTube channel.
Recovery is really defined bythe shortening of that timeframe
.
Right, everybody gets those OMGmoments, but how fast can you
recognize what's going on, gointo an acceptance or surrender
posture and get to oh well andmove on In a state of disordered
anxiety?
We hold on so tightly to thedemand to feel a certain way
(12:47):
that we pay extremely close,abnormally close attention to
our subjective internalexperiences and we simply cannot
zoom out to take other factorsinto account.
So 2008 Drew, when I was in thethick of it, would have ignored
the glasses situationcompletely.
His brain was unable to beopen-minded and flexible.
(13:08):
It only knew that it neededcalm and steady feelings.
So it would hang on to thatlike hot death.
It would cling to the originalexpectation or predictive model
and I would fight like crazy totry to make that model be my
truth in air quotes andpredictive processing models in
neuroscience and cognitivescience even have a phrase for
(13:30):
this sort of warping of theexperience.
It's called precision weighting, which is really just a fancy
term for attention.
Anxious 2008 Drew was sofocused on one set of variables
in that complicated equationthat his brain placed a huge
value on those which skewed themath and made it almost
impossible to adjustexpectations and the predictive
(13:54):
model to support a more flexibleacceptance or surrender posture
.
Now remember, as with everythingthat I talk about here on this
podcast and this YouTube channel, these are not switches that
you could just decide to flip.
If you're hearing this and youthink, well, this sounds pretty
cool, I can use this, that'sawesome.
But you can't hear this like itand then instantly be in a
state of full acceptance thatyou will be anxious and
(14:16):
uncomfortable for the rest ofthe day.
Cool, I'm just going to acceptthat I'll be anxious and
everything's going to be better.
I wish it worked that way, butit never works that way.
However, if you can start tobring your awareness to the fact
that you are turning hope hopethat you feel better into a
demand to feel better instantly,without even realizing it, it
(14:36):
can help.
You see, when you startthrashing and fighting against
your reality which anotherparadox makes it even harder to
get the reality that you sodesperately want.
Now, everything I'm saying hereincludes a ton of stuff that
I've covered in other episodesand in my books and many years
of social media posts.
(14:56):
So if you're new to this kind ofthing and lately, especially on
YouTube, there's a lot of newpeople welcome and you are
wondering how this fits intolearning how to calm down, stop
your scary thoughts, preventpanic or just make it all stop
by working directly on trying tofeel better you're going to
want to go back and startlistening from the beginning, or
maybe go over to disorderedfmand listen to the first 10 or so
(15:19):
episodes of that podcast atDisordered, or maybe even grab a
copy of my book, the AnxiousTruth, which explains this all
in greater detail.
Again, if you're new, you mightstill be thinking oh, this is
an anxiety channel.
He teaches me how to calm down.
He doesn't.
He teaches you how to getbetter at being anxious and
afraid, and the happy secondaryeffect of that over time is that
(15:40):
you tend to calm down.
But if you already understandthe concepts and you're working
to implement them in your ownwork.
Maybe you're working alongsidethe work that you're doing with
a therapist or a counselor.
Becoming more aware of howexpectations and demands play a
role in what your anxietyexperience looks and feels like
can be one of those missingpuzzle pieces that might help
(16:01):
you make the actual change thatyou've been trying to make, to
start to learn these lessons sothat you get that happy
secondary effect down the roadof overcoming this whole nasty
affair.
It's okay to want to feelbetter.
I want you to feel better.
It's not a crime to want tofeel better.
But wanting to feel better andinsisting that that is the only
outcome that you can accept atany given moment, even when your
(16:25):
reality like mine did in thepast clearly does not match that
outcome, can really make theprocess of recovery even harder
than it has to be.
Hope to feel better.
I want you to feel better.
But if the reality is that weare struggling with disordered
and chronic anxiety on a dailybasis right now, then just
digging your feet in like makingfists, gritting your teeth and
(16:48):
demanding that it be differentthan that leads to those rigid
expectations that doesn't reallyhelp your brain recognize
what's going on, adjust itspredictive processing models,
understand that this is supposedto happen and let you relax
into it and surrender into itand, you know, willfully
tolerate through it, floatwhatever words you want.
(17:08):
We got to have that shift andin disordered we called it I
forget what episode it was ofDisordered.
We actually called it theattitude shift.
This is part of that.
This is my reality.
I am an anxious person today.
I am working on it.
But if I try so hard to demandthat I not be an anxious person
today, things are going to getmuch more difficult for me.
So expectations do matter onthe micro level and the macro
(17:30):
level.
Take that into account.
But as always when you're doingthis stuff, you have to give it
a chance because you have to bepatient.
These are not things that justchange instantly because you
want them to.
You're learning new ways to dothings.
You're learning new behavioralpatterns.
You're writing new neuralpathways.
You're trying to build defaultreactions and actions that take
preference over somelongstanding old safety-based
(17:53):
responses.
It takes a while.
Be nice to yourself, be patientand just do the best you can.
So that is it.
That is episode.
What is it?
303, the Anxious Truth in thebooks.
You know it's over because themusic is playing.
Of course, I'm going to ask youthe same things that I ask at
the end of every podcast episode, which is, if you are listening
(18:14):
to this on Apple Podcasts orSpotify, maybe take a minute and
rate the podcast five stars ifyou dig it, if you really like
it.
Maybe write a review to tellpeople why you dig it so much,
because it helps other peoplefind the podcast and it helps
more people get the help thatthey want, which is why I do
this to begin with.
Of course, if you're watchingon YouTube, maybe hit the
subscribe button, hit thenotification bell, so you know
when I upload new stuff, leave acomment, ask questions and, of
(18:36):
course, head on over totheanxioustruthcom and check out
all my other resources.
I think they're helpful.
People seem to think they are,which I'm pretty proud of, so
check them out and that's it.
I will be back in two weeks withepisode 304 of the podcast.
I'm not necessarily sure whatwe're going to talk about, but I
will be here and remember nomatter how small the step is
today away from your fear andtoward the life you actually
(18:57):
want, it counts.
They all add up.
They will matter.
Be patient, be kind, do thebest you can every day.
A tiny little change every daywill make a difference.
I'll see you next time you.
This week on the Anxious Truth, the podcast about
anxiety, anxiety disorders andanxiety recovery.
We're going to be talking aboutexpectations and how they
matter.
If you're struggling withanxiety all the time but
insisting on expecting to becalm, it's going to be a rough
ride.
So let's get into that rightnow.
Hello everyone, welcome back tothe Anxious Truth.
(00:32):
This is episode 303 of thepodcast we are recording in
October of 2024 and I am DrewLinsalata, creator and host of
the Anxious Truth.
I am, as of October 2024, atherapist practicing under
supervision, with a specialty inanxiety and anxiety disorders.
I'm a three-time author on thetopic of anxiety disorders and
anxiety recovery, a formersufferer, unfortunately, of
panic disorder, agoraphobia, ocdand depression for many years
(00:54):
of my life, on and off, butdoing much better now, thank you
, and an educator and anadvocate in the anxiety disorder
community.
If this is your first time hereat the Anxious Truth, I do hope
that you find today's episodehelpful and I encourage you to
check out all the other freepodcast episodes and videos I've
recorded over the last 10 years.
Of course, if you are areturning listener or viewer,
(01:14):
welcome back and thank you forsupporting my work by being here
and really allowing me to takeup some of your valuable time,
because I do know that it'svaluable and I appreciate you.
So today we're going to talkabout expectations.
Mainly, we're going to talkabout how always expecting or,
probably more accurately, hopingor demanding that you will have
a calm body and mind.
(01:34):
There's nothing wrong withwanting to be calm and having
nice days, of course, but ifyour reality is that you're
struggling with anxiety most ofthe time, then expecting to be
calm and with a quiet mind isgoing to make things harder than
they already are.
What I really want to do todayis kind of shine a light on how
what we expect really does havea major influence on what we
(01:57):
experience and how we feel.
It's probably more accurate tosay that what we insist we must
have has a major impact on ourexperiences and how we feel.
But we'll get to that in aminute.
First, just a quick reminder, asalways, that beyond just this
podcast episode or this YouTubevideo, there are a ton of other
resources focused on anxietydisorders and anxiety recovery.
(02:19):
On my website, which is attheanxioustruthcom, I've written
books on this topic.
I have a range of low-costpsychoeducational workshops
available that focus on anxietydisorders and say, chronic
anxiety and recovery, and thereare all the other free videos
and podcasts and social mediacontent that I've created over
the years.
All the links to all of thosegoodies can be found on my
(02:39):
website, which is again attheanxioustruthcom.
So take a few minutes andcertainly check that out.
Avail yourself of all thethings.
Of course, if you havequestions about what you hear
today, you can follow the linkin the podcast description,
which is in your podcast app.
However, you're listening tosend me a message via text and,
don't worry, I don't ever seeyour number and I cannot text
(03:00):
you back, so there's no spam orgarbage involved there.
And, of course, if you'rewatching on YouTube, feel free
to leave a comment and I promiseI will do my best to circle
back here as soon as possibleand answer as many questions and
comments as I possibly can.
So let's get into the meat of itExpectations.
I want to start by looking at apractical example.
(03:20):
So my vision is terrible.
It always has been since I wasa kid.
I wear multifocal contactlenses, like I'm wearing today,
or progressive lens eyeglasses.
I even have a pair of glasseswith lenses designed
specifically for working at mydesk on the computer, like.
That's how bad my eyes are.
They really stink.
Now, after wearing thoseglasses sort of the desk glasses
(03:40):
for a few hours, I get up frommy desk and switch to my other
glasses that have theprogressive lenses.
Now if you wear glasses orcontacts, you probably know
what's coming right.
There's that period ofadjustment where my eyes and
brain have to get used to theother lenses because they have
different zones to look throughand things just look differently
when I get up from my desk.
In that instance, things justdon't look quite right.
(04:03):
I'm actually looking throughthe bottom of my progressive
lenses because I tend to keep mychin up by default and I've
forgotten that I switchedglasses.
Now this makes everythingblurry in the distance because
I'm looking through the readingpart of the lenses.
I can't really focus properlyin that situation and that leads
to feeling slightly off balanceand that all happens like boom,
(04:23):
within like a millisecond ortwo.
Right, it's pretty quick.
Now, in that situation, theexpectation of my brain was
clear focus and a steady feelingin my body, but I didn't get
that.
I got something that did notmatch that prediction.
In that moment I really didfeel a jolt of discomfort or
anxiety.
We maybe even can call it fear.
(04:43):
There was a quick like you knowwhat's that?
Because it wasn't what I wasexpecting.
Don't know what it was exactly,but it happened.
And this is where things getinteresting and tie into today's
topic.
If this was early 2008, when Iwas really struggling, the
mismatch between what my brainexpected and what it got would
have totally triggered like theanxiety and panic spiral.
(05:06):
I would have experienced thatfirst jolt of fear or discomfort
and for more on that, you couldcheck out episode 83 of the
Disorder podcast that I do withJosh Fletcher for a good
explanation of first and secondfear.
I will link that in thedescription and that mismatch
would have triggered that spiral.
Then I would have startedfighting against my experience.
(05:26):
I would have instantly startedtrying harder to sort of focus
and checking rapidly up and downto see if my eyes were working.
I would have tried to forceclarity visually.
I would have probably grabbedonto my desk and declared myself
about to tip over and ingeneral, I would have started
treating myself like I wasfragile and about to break in
some unknown way.
(05:47):
I don't really know what thatway ever was, but that's what I
would have done and you guys maybe able to relate to that,
depending on where you are inyour anxiety journey.
But here's the important partwhen I would do that like when I
would behave like I was indanger because my brain
misinterpreted the expectationmismatch as actual danger, I
(06:08):
would have created moresecondary fear, right, dr Weeks?
Dr Claire Weeks talked aboutfirst fear, second fear, and
again we talked about that onepisode 83 of Disordered.
What does that fear do?
What does any fear do?
It's going to create naturalphysical responses in the body
and it's going to kick the braininto problem-solving and
self-preservation mode, which isgenerally indicated by lots of
(06:29):
scary, racing thoughts aboutwhat disaster might have awaited
me in the next few minutes orhours, or I don't even know when
.
But again, if you're an anxiousperson listening to this
podcast or watching this video,you know what I'm talking about.
Now, for an anxious person stuckon expecting or really
demanding a calm state even whennone is to be found, this is a
(06:49):
real problem, because theinitial mismatch between my
reality and my expectation ordemands triggers a sequence that
creates an even bigger mismatchbetween what I expect or demand
and what I expect and what Iget.
So can you see the problem here?
Like this actually creates aproblem.
The mismatch betweenexpectation and reality makes an
(07:11):
anxious person react in waysthat create a larger and more
prolonged mismatch, which fuelseven more avoidance and
resistance, which creates moreof a mismatch that lasts longer,
and the cycle continues.
When you look at it this way,it's really ugly and it looks
kind of evil, doesn't it?
But this is what we experience.
(07:32):
So what are we supposed to dowith this?
Well, if we return toexpectations or demands, the
clue is to be found there.
If you are struggling with ananxiety disorder or chronic
anxiety that you fear hate, andyou're trying to desperately
control it, fix it or avoid itto no avail.
Nothing is working to do thatthen how is it helping you to
(07:53):
expect, or more accurately,demand, a calm body and mind, as
if something magic is going tohappen right now to just make
that all go away, which would benice, but that doesn't seem to
be available to us.
Well, spoiler alert, it doesn'thelp you.
That demand and expectationdoes not help you.
It describes a situation I'm,you know, bringing about here.
(08:15):
The demand for it to go away ismet with the reality that it
hasn't gone away, and thingsquickly get lit on fire and turn
into a raging inferno of fearand anxiety and panic and racing
thoughts and scary things anddiscomfort and resistance.
That fuels more fire and morediscomfort.
So what can you really do withthat?
(08:36):
Does this mean that you'redoomed to just have to expect to
suffer with anxiety every dayfor the rest of your life?
Do you have to wake up everysingle day and just expect every
day to really suck?
No, that's not at all what I'msaying here.
It might sound like that, but Ipromise that's not what I'm
saying.
But I think what we have torecognize is that wanting to
feel calm is fine.
(08:57):
It's okay to want to feel thatHell, I support that.
But demanding calm that isclearly out of reach at the
moment and that's the importantpart at the moment is
counterproductive, even thoughit seems like it makes common
sense to demand that troublingthoughts because those things
(09:29):
are here, like it or not.
We give ourselves more of afighting chance to kind of stop
the resistance and achieve anacceptance or surrender posture
when needed.
We can allow those scary anddifficult experiences to sort of
ebb and flow naturally, likeall internal experiences do, if
we let them.
Now, if you've been listening tothis podcast or watching this
YouTube channel long enough, ormaybe reading my books, you
(09:49):
already know that it's thatexperience.
It changes on its own, withoutme forcing it or managing it or
saving me myself from it, is thekey experience that turns down
the volume on the disorderedanxiety.
And yes, I'm going to say thisit gives your nervous system a
chance to sort of naturallyregulate itself over time,
(10:12):
because it knows how to do thatwithout being forced or coerced
into regulating on demand withtricks or hacks that tend not to
work or only work temporarily.
Now you might be askingyourself is there science behind
this?
Are you just making it upbecause you think it sounds good
?
Well, to be honest with you,that's a question people ask me
sometimes about this podcast orthis YouTube channel.
(10:32):
There's always science behindthis.
This isn't a science channel,so I'm not going to bury you in,
like you know, references andresearch references, but there
is science behind this.
If you dig into predictiveprocessing models of experience,
which is pretty big deal inneuroscience and cognitive
science right now, thesepredictive processing models of
experience kind of describe thecreation of a subjective
(10:55):
experience, which is what we allhave.
It's, all of our experiencesare subjective, in some way as
sort of the math that gets donewhen brains have to resolve
their predictions andexpectations with the data
streams they get from the senses.
And that's a little bitoversimplified, but that's it in
a nutshell.
In a non-anxious context, if Iget up from my desk, I expect my
(11:17):
eyes to focus and I expect tofeel steady on my feet.
When I don't, my brain sees amismatch between what it
expected its predictive modeland what it got, and then it has
to take things into account andadjust the predictive model to
accommodate the fact that I justchanged glasses and need a
minute or two to adjust.
I'm still not focusing rightand still not perfectly rock
(11:41):
solid.
But the initial jolt ofdiscomfort dissipates quickly
because there's no second fear,because my brain in that
situation was open-minded.
But the initial jolt ofdiscomfort dissipates quickly
because there's no second fear,because my brain in that
situation was open-minded.
Can a brain be open-minded?
Sure, my brain was open-mindedand it adjusted its expectation.
It adjusted its predictivemodel to more closely match the
data that it got.
Oh yeah, we just got up fromthe desk.
(12:03):
Oh yeah, we just changedglasses.
I kind of expect things to bekind of wonky for a minute or
two.
Things work out better that wayand that's one of the things
that accounts for the decreasein secondary fear and accounts
for the shortening of thatdistance between OMG, which I
had for a second, and OL, whichI also had, and a recovered
(12:24):
state.
We talked about this before onthe podcast and here on the
YouTube channel.
Recovery is really defined bythe shortening of that timeframe
.
Right, everybody gets those OMGmoments, but how fast can you
recognize what's going on, gointo an acceptance or surrender
posture and get to oh well andmove on In a state of disordered
anxiety?
We hold on so tightly to thedemand to feel a certain way
(12:47):
that we pay extremely close,abnormally close attention to
our subjective internalexperiences and we simply cannot
zoom out to take other factorsinto account.
So 2008 Drew, when I was in thethick of it, would have ignored
the glasses situationcompletely.
His brain was unable to beopen-minded and flexible.
(13:08):
It only knew that it neededcalm and steady feelings.
So it would hang on to thatlike hot death.
It would cling to the originalexpectation or predictive model
and I would fight like crazy totry to make that model be my
truth in air quotes andpredictive processing models in
neuroscience and cognitivescience even have a phrase for
(13:30):
this sort of warping of theexperience.
It's called precision weighting, which is really just a fancy
term for attention.
Anxious 2008 Drew was sofocused on one set of variables
in that complicated equationthat his brain placed a huge
value on those which skewed themath and made it almost
impossible to adjustexpectations and the predictive
(13:54):
model to support a more flexibleacceptance or surrender posture
.
Now remember, as with everythingthat I talk about here on this
podcast and this YouTube channel, these are not switches that
you could just decide to flip.
If you're hearing this and youthink, well, this sounds pretty
cool, I can use this, that'sawesome.
But you can't hear this like itand then instantly be in a
state of full acceptance thatyou will be anxious and
(14:16):
uncomfortable for the rest ofthe day.
Cool, I'm just going to acceptthat I'll be anxious and
everything's going to be better.
I wish it worked that way, butit never works that way.
However, if you can start tobring your awareness to the fact
that you are turning hope hopethat you feel better into a
demand to feel better instantly,without even realizing it, it
(14:36):
can help.
You see, when you startthrashing and fighting against
your reality which anotherparadox makes it even harder to
get the reality that you sodesperately want.
Now, everything I'm saying hereincludes a ton of stuff that
I've covered in other episodesand in my books and many years
of social media posts.
(14:56):
So if you're new to this kind ofthing and lately, especially on
YouTube, there's a lot of newpeople welcome and you are
wondering how this fits intolearning how to calm down, stop
your scary thoughts, preventpanic or just make it all stop
by working directly on trying tofeel better you're going to
want to go back and startlistening from the beginning, or
maybe go over to disorderedfmand listen to the first 10 or so
(15:19):
episodes of that podcast atDisordered, or maybe even grab a
copy of my book, the AnxiousTruth, which explains this all
in greater detail.
Again, if you're new, you mightstill be thinking oh, this is
an anxiety channel.
He teaches me how to calm down.
He doesn't.
He teaches you how to getbetter at being anxious and
afraid, and the happy secondaryeffect of that over time is that
(15:40):
you tend to calm down.
But if you already understandthe concepts and you're working
to implement them in your ownwork.
Maybe you're working alongsidethe work that you're doing with
a therapist or a counselor.
Becoming more aware of howexpectations and demands play a
role in what your anxietyexperience looks and feels like
can be one of those missingpuzzle pieces that might help
(16:01):
you make the actual change thatyou've been trying to make, to
start to learn these lessons sothat you get that happy
secondary effect down the roadof overcoming this whole nasty
affair.
It's okay to want to feelbetter.
I want you to feel better.
It's not a crime to want tofeel better.
But wanting to feel better andinsisting that that is the only
outcome that you can accept atany given moment, even when your
(16:25):
reality like mine did in thepast clearly does not match that
outcome, can really make theprocess of recovery even harder
than it has to be.
Hope to feel better.
I want you to feel better.
But if the reality is that weare struggling with disordered
and chronic anxiety on a dailybasis right now, then just
digging your feet in like makingfists, gritting your teeth and
(16:48):
demanding that it be differentthan that leads to those rigid
expectations that doesn't reallyhelp your brain recognize
what's going on, adjust itspredictive processing models,
understand that this is supposedto happen and let you relax
into it and surrender into itand, you know, willfully
tolerate through it, floatwhatever words you want.
(17:08):
We got to have that shift andin disordered we called it I
forget what episode it was ofDisordered.
We actually called it theattitude shift.
This is part of that.
This is my reality.
I am an anxious person today.
I am working on it.
But if I try so hard to demandthat I not be an anxious person
today, things are going to getmuch more difficult for me.
So expectations do matter onthe micro level and the macro
(17:30):
level.
Take that into account.
But as always when you're doingthis stuff, you have to give it
a chance because you have to bepatient.
These are not things that justchange instantly because you
want them to.
You're learning new ways to dothings.
You're learning new behavioralpatterns.
You're writing new neuralpathways.
You're trying to build defaultreactions and actions that take
preference over somelongstanding old safety-based
(17:53):
responses.
It takes a while.
Be nice to yourself, be patientand just do the best you can.
So that is it.
That is episode.
What is it?
303, the Anxious Truth in thebooks.
You know it's over because themusic is playing.
Of course, I'm going to ask youthe same things that I ask at
the end of every podcast episode, which is, if you are listening
(18:14):
to this on Apple Podcasts orSpotify, maybe take a minute and
rate the podcast five stars ifyou dig it, if you really like
it.
Maybe write a review to tellpeople why you dig it so much,
because it helps other peoplefind the podcast and it helps
more people get the help thatthey want, which is why I do
this to begin with.
Of course, if you're watchingon YouTube, maybe hit the
subscribe button, hit thenotification bell, so you know
when I upload new stuff, leave acomment, ask questions and, of
(18:36):
course, head on over totheanxioustruthcom and check out
all my other resources.
I think they're helpful.
People seem to think they are,which I'm pretty proud of, so
check them out and that's it.
I will be back in two weeks withepisode 304 of the podcast.
I'm not necessarily sure whatwe're going to talk about, but I
will be here and remember nomatter how small the step is
today away from your fear andtoward the life you actually
(18:57):
want, it counts.
They all add up.
They will matter.
Be patient, be kind, do thebest you can every day.
A tiny little change every daywill make a difference.
I'll see you next time you.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.