February 12, 2025 • 20 mins
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When anxiety hits, how do you know what to do? This week on The Anxious Truth we're exploring how your personal values can guide your choices in anxious moments. Tune in to learn practical ways to identify and connect with your values. This can inform more productive responses when anxiety gets triggered.
For full show notes on this episode:
https://theanxioustruth.com/311
Support The Anxious Truth: If you find the podcast helpful and want to support my work, you can buy me a coffee. Other ways to support my work like buying a book or signing up for a low cost workshop can be found on my website. None of this is never required, but always appreciated!
Interested in doing therapy with me? For more information on working with me directly to overcome your anxiety, follow this link.
Disclaimer: The Anxious Truth is not therapy or a replacement for therapy. Listening to The Anxious Truth does not create a therapeutic relationship between you and the host or guests of the podcast. Information here is provided for psychoeducational purposes. As always, when you have questions about your own well-being, please consult your mental health and/or medical care providers. If you are having a mental health crisis, always reach out immediately for in-person help.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
How do we accept anxiety and willfully tolerate
it?
Today we're talking about therole of core values and doing
what matters when triggered.
So let's go.
Hello everybody, Welcome backto the Anxious Truth.
This is the podcast and YouTubechannel that covers all things
(00:21):
anxiety, anxiety disorders andanxiety recovery.
This is part three in ourlittle three-part series on
accepting anxiety.
In parts one and two, whichwould be episodes 309 and 310 of
this podcast, we explored howto observe our anxious
experiences mindfully and how tobegin opening up to different
ways of responding when we'reanxious.
Today, we're going to dive intosomething that might sound
(00:43):
simple but actually runssurprisingly deep, which is
using our values to guide ourresponses when anxiety shows up.
It's complicated, but we'll getto it right.
So, if you are new here to theAnxious Truth, I am Drew
Lentzalata.
I am creator and host of thispodcast.
I am a therapist practicingunder supervision, pre-licensed
in the state of New York, atleast as of early 2025,
(01:06):
specializing in the treatment ofanxiety and anxiety disorders.
I am a former sufferer of theseexact problems, including panic
disorder, agoraphobia, OCD anddepression, for many years of my
life, but better now.
I'm also a three-time author onthis topic, a social media
advocate, a content creator, andI am trying to use my
experience and now my formaltraining and expertise to help
(01:26):
other people get through theproblems that I once got through
myself.
So when you listen to theAnxious Truth or watch these
podcast episodes, remember thatI'm talking from academic,
theoretical, professionalstandpoint, but also from a
personal standpoint.
I will never try to hold up mypersonal experiences as the
things that you should do, butkeep in mind that I do kind of
understand how you feel.
This is not easy stuff.
(01:47):
It can be really hard.
So before we get into today'spodcast episode, just a reminder
that the Anxious Truth is morethan just this podcast or this
YouTube video.
There's a ton of more resourceson my website.
A ton of more resources.
Listen to me, I can't talktoday.
There are many more resourcesthat are related to anxiety and
anxiety recovery on my websiteat theanxioustruthcom.
(02:09):
If you're watching on YouTube,it's on the screen right below
me.
Go check it out.
Most of the stuff is free, likethe old podcast episodes and
videos.
All my social media content andthings of that nature, and even
the things that do carry a cost, like my workshops, which
generally tend to be an hour ortwo long are at a very low cost.
Everybody tells me that theresources are helpful, so head
on over to the website attheanxioustruthcom and check
(02:30):
them out.
I think you'll be happy thatyou did so.
Let's get back to today'sepisode.
We're talking about the thirdpart of the ACT Triflex.
We'll get to that, which isconnecting to your core values
to help you decide what to donext when you are triggered and
trying to find other options.
So we use an example.
We use agoraphobia as ourexample.
(02:50):
Let's say that you arestruggling with agoraphobia
right now, or maybe you'restruggling with recurring panic
attacks, which is very highlyrelated.
You might find yourselfconstantly second-guessing how
to handle those moments whenpanic or anxiety gets triggered.
Guessing how to handle thosemoments when panic or anxiety
gets triggered.
You may be fully embracing thewhole acceptance, tolerance,
willful tolerance, floating,facing.
(03:10):
You know approach, but you'reconfused.
Okay, what am I supposed to dothen when I get triggered?
Should I keep engaging withlife?
Should I take a break?
Should I try to distract myselffrom how I'm feeling?
Should I?
Am I supposed to face thefeelings head on?
When anxiety is screaming atyou to retreat to safety?
It can be almost impossible toknow what the right and I'm
(03:31):
using air quotes response shouldbe.
This is where sometimes anxiouspeople who are working on the
recovery process can kind of getparalyzed by the need to do it
right so it works, which meansthat they might get stuck still
trying to figure out how to dothe thing that stops anxiety and
fear dead in its tracks, andthis is something that we are
(03:52):
never talking about.
You guys may know me in thispodcast long enough to know that
I'm always going to remind youof that In this context that
we're dealing with today, andalways on this podcast or on
this YouTube channel.
The right next move is only theone that's made more
consciously and a considered waythat has a better chance of
moving us toward what we reallyvalue and what's important to us
(04:14):
, and away from sort ofunconscious, reflexive,
resistant reactions to anxiousfear.
That's a mouthful.
So let me be clear aboutsomething at this right now,
before we can go further thereis no magic formula that will
make these decisions easy.
There's no steps.
There's no like this is if youdo this flow chart, you will
definitely do the right thing,but what many people discover as
(04:37):
they go through their anxietyrecovery process and something
that has honestly been validatedand included in most of the
third wave and fourth wavetreatments for anxiety disorders
is that connecting what reallymatters, connecting to what
really matters our core values,our values can provide sort of
like a compass when anxiety hasus feeling lost.
(04:57):
Now, values are complicated andthey are confusing.
We could spend three episodesjust talking about the topic of
values, because it's anotherthing that can be kind of gray
and amorphous for so many people.
Just keep in mind that when weare talking about values or I
often use the word core valuesthey're interchangeable.
We're not really talking aboutgoals that you achieve or check
off a list.
So, for instance, going to thesupermarket without having a
(05:20):
panic attack would be great, butthat's a goal, it's not a value
.
Like, being calm is a goal,it's not a value.
Graduating from college is agoal, it's not a value.
Going on a family vacationwithout anxiety is a goal and a
noble one, but it's also not avalue.
Think of values more like thedirection we try to move in.
We can think of them maybe aslike guidelines that will help
(05:43):
inform our choices moment bymoment, not only when anxious,
but throughout our lives.
They're not about reaching aparticular destination or
checking a box.
They're really more about sortof how we travel through life.
So, for example, going on thatfamily vacation that I talked
about or maybe spending moretime with loved ones might
reflect values of belonging orcaring or being connected.
(06:06):
Those are the things that areimportant to me, those are my
values, and I express them bygoing on a family vacation
instead of avoiding, or spendingmore time with my family
instead of hiding and beingconsumed with how I feel.
You see how.
Those are concepts andguidelines.
They're not activities oraccomplishments, but I know that
this is not so easy to grasp,right?
That's okay.
(06:27):
Everybody struggles with thisone, especially anxious people.
So let me give you a littleexercise that might help you get
a little clearer on your values.
Imagine that you're at your ownfuneral, which I know is not
the most comfortable thought,but stick with me here.
What would you want the peoplewho matter most to you at your
funeral to say about how youlived your life?
(06:47):
What qualities would you wantthem to remember about you?
For instance, maybe your bestfriend is delivering your eulogy
.
The answer to this question,odd though it may sound, can
often point to our deepestvalues and this is a common act
exercise, acceptance andcommitment therapy that we use
with therapy clients to helpthem discover or reconnect with
(07:07):
actually matters to them.
Because when you're anxious orafraid all the time, it can be a
little easy to dump all thosevalues on the floor and get
completely consumed with justfeeling better and trying to not
be afraid.
And I get that that's not acrime.
But this is why we start towork actively on reconnecting
values as a way to help us learnhow to take other paths and
(07:29):
explore other options when we'reuncomfortable and feeling
distressed or afraid or anxiousright.
So let's take a look at how thismight play out in real life.
We'll go back to agoraphobia asthe example.
Imagine an agoraphobic facedwith attending a concert at
their child's school Holidayconcerts Holidays ended a couple
months ago, but very common,right.
Anxiety is telling this personto stay home because there it's
(07:52):
safe In this moment.
If that person, our agoraphobicfriend, is connected to his or
her values, perhaps beingpresent for their children,
being involved in theirimportant moments, can help
inform their next move.
Right.
If they can connect to thevalues of connectedness or
belonging or community, theymight be able to say, hey, I do
(08:14):
have other options and I'm goingto express that value by going
to the concert instead ofstaying home and monitoring my
anxious state.
Or if we look at somebody who'sexperiencing, who has OCD, for
instance, that person at afamily gathering might be having
a great time and then suddenlyall the intrusive thoughts come
rushing in, for some unknownreason, that make that person
incredibly uncomfortable, almostnear panic in some instances.
(08:35):
Their immediate urge might beto leave or perform their
behavioral or mental rituals totry to make the thoughts stop
and the discomfort go away, andthen it takes them out of the
environment that they wouldrather be in.
If that person is betterconnected with the value of,
maybe connectedness or beingkind or loving, they might be
able to get a little bit morepresent with the family and it
(08:57):
might choose to help them stayand try to engage, say, in the
conversation, even while thosethoughts and feelings are there.
It's really uncomfortable, butwe're looking for ways to
respond in more considered ways,and one way that we could do
that, as these two examples showus, would be to connect to our
values, because they help usdecide.
(09:17):
Well, what am I going to donext?
I'm really afraid right now,but what am I going to do, right
?
So here's where it gets alittle bit nuanced.
Sometimes, living in accordancewith our values means staying
engaged with life, whatever thatlooks like, while anxiety is
present, like our friend withOCD who is choosing to stay
connected to the conversation atthe family gathering.
But other times it might meanpausing to be with our anxiety,
(09:42):
mindfully learning through thedirect experience of being with
it fully that, whileuncomfortable, it isn't actually
dangerous or damaging, and thedisaster that it protects is not
a thing that needs to beconsidered right?
So this is where we get intothat sit with it thing that some
people kind of take literallyand get confused by.
(10:02):
And if that's you, don't worryabout it.
Lots of people get confused bythis.
Well, if we talk about doingwhat matters in the context of
this podcast episode and YouTubevideo, what matters often means
not actually sitting with it,but bringing the experience with
you into whatever version oflife you're attempting to engage
with at the moment Now,probably not optimally, but you
can still try to engage with thelife that matters to you,
(10:25):
rather than stopping everythingto try to take care of your
anxious state, but also, on theflip side.
Sometimes doing what matterswill actually mean stopping to
sit with it or stand with it orlie with it or walk with it or
whatever, Because sometimes wefind that we are falling back
into resistance or trying to useget present as a technique for
(10:47):
feeling better, closer to thelife that we want and the things
that we really care about mighttell us to take a quick pause,
to actually sit or stand quietly, to face the anxious experience
and allow it more fully.
This is crazy subtle.
It can even take people workingwith an anxiety specialist a
(11:07):
while to get a grip on this.
So if you're not sure, afterlistening to a podcast episode
or watching a YouTube video or10 YouTube videos, what this
even means, that's really okay.
It's not just you.
This is a counterintuitiveprocess that takes time to get
familiar with.
It, takes practice, it takesrepeated experiences and geez,
(11:28):
when do we ever hear that on theAnxious Truth?
A confusing, counterintuitive,paradoxical process.
Who saw that coming right?
So, jokes aside, we can go backto what Dr Russ Harris, who's
very big in the ACT communityyou can Google him, he's awesome
he calls this the ACT triflexand I'll review that quickly.
There are three points in thetriflex.
Think of it as a triangle beingpresent, opening up, and today
(11:51):
we're talking about doing whatmatters.
When we're fully present andobjectively, describing our
experience non-judgmentally, wecan notice the anxiety and
actually see what's happening,rather than getting carried away
into the judgment or theassessment or the prediction.
We open up the second point inthe triflex.
We create space for thosedifficult feelings and we at
least consider that we may haveother options rather than
(12:13):
resisting and fighting againstthem.
Today we're talking about thethird point, which is we connect
with our values, the thingsthat really matter with us.
We can begin to start to chooseactions that actually do matter
in our lives, even when anxiety, fear, discomfort, uncertainty,
even panic is along for theride Like this is possible.
And if we look at theACT-TRIFLEX as our framework,
(12:35):
like I've been talking about thelast couple of episodes, this
gives us sort of a framework onhow to actually practically
accept anxiety.
So at this point it's reallyworth noting that choosing
value-guided actions when you'reanxious and uncomfortable and
afraid really depends heavily onthose first two points of the
triflex that we talked about inepisodes 309 and 310, mindful
(12:57):
awareness and opening up to newexperiences Without the ability
to notice, objectively andnon-judgmentally what's
happening when you're triggered,without creating a little space
between yourself and youranxious experiences.
Taking just this part, which islike act based on your values,
can feel overwhelming or evenimpossible in a lot of cases.
(13:18):
When we're super caught up in astorm of anxiety or panic or
intrusive thoughts and wehaven't yet learned and
practiced stepping back toobserve what's happening
non-judgmentally, when we'restill automatically, reflexively
, unconsciously fighting againstrunning, you know, against the
experiences, or trying to runfrom it or be saved from it or
escape from it.
That's when choosing meaningfulaction that aligns with our
(13:42):
values is most confusing anddifficult and starts to feel
impossible for a lot of people.
This is why things getfrustrating and this is why we
spent time in the first twoparts of this series talking
about building those fundamentalscales of awareness and
openness, because they really domatter.
And while we're talking aboutthe first point, which is
(14:04):
learning to get present andnon-judgmentally observing your
anxiety, if you're interested inlearning practical ways to do
that and to apply the principlesof mindfulness within the
context of anxiety recovery, youcan check out my Practical
Mindfulness Skill Group, whichis on my website at
learntheanxioustruthcom.
These are very small groups ofno more than 10 people that meet
(14:24):
weekly for six weeks.
They include in-meetingmindfulness practices,
between-meeting homework andpractice and plenty of
discussion and opportunities toask questions and get feedback
on this topic.
Again, you can check that outyourself.
That's atlearntheanxioustruthcom.
So I want to acknowledgesomething that's really
important here, I think Choosinga value-based response when
(14:48):
you're anxious, triggeredpanicky, in the middle of a
raging storm of really scarythoughts, it's not easy.
Our brains are wired to reactautomatically to a threat real
or perceived, it doesn't matter.
Resisting anxiety, fighting itor trying to escape from it
often feels like the mostlogical response in the moment.
And, yes, giving in to thoseurges might provide temporary
(15:10):
relief.
That's why we do it.
But here's what I've learned,both professionally and
personally as I've gone throughmy life, is that temporary
relief often comes at the costof moving away from what matters
most to us.
Each time we choose sort ofinstant comfort or instant
relief over our values, wereinforce the idea that anxiety
(15:33):
is something that we cannothandle or something to be
avoided at all costs, or aproblem that can be hacked or
fixed or solved or figured outor researched to death.
Learning to pause in thosemoments, connecting with our
values.
Choosing a meaningful response,even if it's uncomfortable,
takes time and practice.
There is no shortcut here, noquick fix that will make this
(15:54):
simple or easy.
I wish there was, but in myexperience, this approach leads
to a life that feels moremeaningful and fulfilling, even
if anxiety is still part of thejourney.
While you're learning how to dothis, Don't let that discourage
you, right?
So really, I would encourageyou to start spending a little
bit more time reflecting on yourvalues.
(16:15):
What truly matters to you?
What kind of person do you wantto be?
How do you want to show up inyour relationships or your work,
or your life?
These answers can serve as yourcompass when anxiety,
discomfort, fear, uncertainty,distress just feels overwhelming
.
And remember I'm always goingto remind you of this the goal
is never to knock down youranxiety.
(16:37):
It's not to not be anxious.
The goal here the reason whywe're even talking about
accepting anxiety, floating,surrendering, willfully
tolerating it is to be able tofeel anxious and still move in
directions that matter to you.
Sometimes that movement mightbe small, and that's okay.
What matters is that you'reguided by your values in those
(16:58):
moments, even a little bit byyour values, rather than
completely controlled by anxietyand fear.
This really matters.
The object of the game is notto squash your anxiety through
acceptance.
The object of the game is tounderstand that I don't have to
squash my anxiety.
If I learn to work through itand move closer to my values.
Even when I'm comfortable, Ibegin to recognize that like hey
(17:20):
, this is a misguided,mis-firing threat response.
It's still safe and I can sortof teach my brain to go back
into its normal patterns whereanxiety, fear, panic, discomfort
, alarm detection and threatdetection goes back into their
rightful place and I don't haveto worry about anxiety all the
time.
So don't mishear that asconnect to your values and
(17:41):
you'll just get good at being ahorribly anxious person for the
rest of your life.
It's not about that.
It's about knowing that rightnow you might have to learn to
try to live a value-driven lifewhile anxious, but in the end
the happy secondary effect is,if we can learn to do that and
we can apply these principlesoften we wind up in a much less
anxious state overall.
(18:02):
We can't promise that, butthere's a really good chance
that that's where you wind up.
You just got to be patient asyou learn to get to that state
and as we wrap up this series, Ijust want to remind you that
learning to accept anxiety andchoosing value-based responses
is a practice.
There's a reason why we useterms like mindfulness practice.
You will not do it perfectlyand you don't need to.
(18:24):
Each moment is a newopportunity to notice what's
happening and to open up to thatexperience, to choose a
response that aligns with whatmatters to you and to learn from
that.
That's really what we want todo here.
So many people spend so muchtime talking about trying to
heal from their anxiety, but Iwill submit that the whole
process of learning how toaccept anxiety that we've been
(18:45):
talking about for three fullpodcast episodes and YouTube
videos is a process of learning,because the improvement comes
through experiential learningand building an openness to
experiences and moving closer towhat matters.
That's not a healing problem,that's a learning problem, and I
think everybody can learn.
Otherwise I wouldn't be doingthis.
So, anyway, that is episode 311of the Anxious Truth in the
(19:07):
books, and as we end the episode, I'm gonna ask you guys the
same favors I ask at the end ofevery episode You're probably
tired of it which is to rate andreview the podcast if you're
listening on Spotify or ApplePodcasts, because it does help
more people get the help thatthey're looking for.
And if you're watching onYouTube, maybe like the video or
subscribe to my channel or evenmaybe share the video with
somebody that you think mightneed it if you're sort of
(19:29):
watching on YouTube, right, sothat certainly helps and I
appreciate it.
And remember, we're alwaystalking about doing difficult
things here, Sometimes scarythings, but not actually
difficult things and notactually dangerous things.
That's so important.
Scary and difficult do notalways equal dangerous, so
please keep that in mind.
Be nice to yourself while youattempt to use these concepts
(19:52):
and principles in your ownanxiety recovery.
Do not forget that when youtake a step forward, you should
acknowledge what you did and doyour best to take a lesson from
that experience.
Again, it's a learning problemhere, right?
So be mindful of negativejudgment.
The old Craig the Critic startsto chime in from the Disordered
podcast that's at disorderedfm,by the way.
Be mindful of Craig the Criticand his negative judgment
(20:13):
directed at yourself and yourrecovery process, because that
can make things even harder thanthey already are and it serves
no real purpose.
You are working on it and thatreally is a very big deal.
So I will be back again in twoweeks with another podcast
episode.
I'm not really sure what we'regoing to talk about, but I will
definitely be here.
Maybe we'll do like a viewermail kind of thing.
(20:33):
Thanks for hanging out.
I hope you found it helpful.
Thanks for taking your time towatch or listen, and I will
definitely see you two weeks inthe next episode.
Take care of yourself.
How do we accept anxiety and willfully tolerate
it?
Today we're talking about therole of core values and doing
what matters when triggered.
So let's go.
Hello everybody, Welcome backto the Anxious Truth.
This is the podcast and YouTubechannel that covers all things
(00:21):
anxiety, anxiety disorders andanxiety recovery.
This is part three in ourlittle three-part series on
accepting anxiety.
In parts one and two, whichwould be episodes 309 and 310 of
this podcast, we explored howto observe our anxious
experiences mindfully and how tobegin opening up to different
ways of responding when we'reanxious.
Today, we're going to dive intosomething that might sound
(00:43):
simple but actually runssurprisingly deep, which is
using our values to guide ourresponses when anxiety shows up.
It's complicated, but we'll getto it right.
So, if you are new here to theAnxious Truth, I am Drew
Lentzalata.
I am creator and host of thispodcast.
I am a therapist practicingunder supervision, pre-licensed
in the state of New York, atleast as of early 2025,
(01:06):
specializing in the treatment ofanxiety and anxiety disorders.
I am a former sufferer of theseexact problems, including panic
disorder, agoraphobia, OCD anddepression, for many years of my
life, but better now.
I'm also a three-time author onthis topic, a social media
advocate, a content creator, andI am trying to use my
experience and now my formaltraining and expertise to help
(01:26):
other people get through theproblems that I once got through
myself.
So when you listen to theAnxious Truth or watch these
podcast episodes, remember thatI'm talking from academic,
theoretical, professionalstandpoint, but also from a
personal standpoint.
I will never try to hold up mypersonal experiences as the
things that you should do, butkeep in mind that I do kind of
understand how you feel.
This is not easy stuff.
(01:47):
It can be really hard.
So before we get into today'spodcast episode, just a reminder
that the Anxious Truth is morethan just this podcast or this
YouTube video.
There's a ton of more resourceson my website.
A ton of more resources.
Listen to me, I can't talktoday.
There are many more resourcesthat are related to anxiety and
anxiety recovery on my websiteat theanxioustruthcom.
(02:09):
If you're watching on YouTube,it's on the screen right below
me.
Go check it out.
Most of the stuff is free, likethe old podcast episodes and
videos.
All my social media content andthings of that nature, and even
the things that do carry a cost, like my workshops, which
generally tend to be an hour ortwo long are at a very low cost.
Everybody tells me that theresources are helpful, so head
on over to the website attheanxioustruthcom and check
(02:30):
them out.
I think you'll be happy thatyou did so.
Let's get back to today'sepisode.
We're talking about the thirdpart of the ACT Triflex.
We'll get to that, which isconnecting to your core values
to help you decide what to donext when you are triggered and
trying to find other options.
So we use an example.
We use agoraphobia as ourexample.
(02:50):
Let's say that you arestruggling with agoraphobia
right now, or maybe you'restruggling with recurring panic
attacks, which is very highlyrelated.
You might find yourselfconstantly second-guessing how
to handle those moments whenpanic or anxiety gets triggered.
Guessing how to handle thosemoments when panic or anxiety
gets triggered.
You may be fully embracing thewhole acceptance, tolerance,
willful tolerance, floating,facing.
(03:10):
You know approach, but you'reconfused.
Okay, what am I supposed to dothen when I get triggered?
Should I keep engaging withlife?
Should I take a break?
Should I try to distract myselffrom how I'm feeling?
Should I?
Am I supposed to face thefeelings head on?
When anxiety is screaming atyou to retreat to safety?
It can be almost impossible toknow what the right and I'm
(03:31):
using air quotes response shouldbe.
This is where sometimes anxiouspeople who are working on the
recovery process can kind of getparalyzed by the need to do it
right so it works, which meansthat they might get stuck still
trying to figure out how to dothe thing that stops anxiety and
fear dead in its tracks, andthis is something that we are
(03:52):
never talking about.
You guys may know me in thispodcast long enough to know that
I'm always going to remind youof that In this context that
we're dealing with today, andalways on this podcast or on
this YouTube channel.
The right next move is only theone that's made more
consciously and a considered waythat has a better chance of
moving us toward what we reallyvalue and what's important to us
(04:14):
, and away from sort ofunconscious, reflexive,
resistant reactions to anxiousfear.
That's a mouthful.
So let me be clear aboutsomething at this right now,
before we can go further thereis no magic formula that will
make these decisions easy.
There's no steps.
There's no like this is if youdo this flow chart, you will
definitely do the right thing,but what many people discover as
(04:37):
they go through their anxietyrecovery process and something
that has honestly been validatedand included in most of the
third wave and fourth wavetreatments for anxiety disorders
is that connecting what reallymatters, connecting to what
really matters our core values,our values can provide sort of
like a compass when anxiety hasus feeling lost.
(04:57):
Now, values are complicated andthey are confusing.
We could spend three episodesjust talking about the topic of
values, because it's anotherthing that can be kind of gray
and amorphous for so many people.
Just keep in mind that when weare talking about values or I
often use the word core valuesthey're interchangeable.
We're not really talking aboutgoals that you achieve or check
off a list.
So, for instance, going to thesupermarket without having a
(05:20):
panic attack would be great, butthat's a goal, it's not a value
.
Like, being calm is a goal,it's not a value.
Graduating from college is agoal, it's not a value.
Going on a family vacationwithout anxiety is a goal and a
noble one, but it's also not avalue.
Think of values more like thedirection we try to move in.
We can think of them maybe aslike guidelines that will help
(05:43):
inform our choices moment bymoment, not only when anxious,
but throughout our lives.
They're not about reaching aparticular destination or
checking a box.
They're really more about sortof how we travel through life.
So, for example, going on thatfamily vacation that I talked
about or maybe spending moretime with loved ones might
reflect values of belonging orcaring or being connected.
(06:06):
Those are the things that areimportant to me, those are my
values, and I express them bygoing on a family vacation
instead of avoiding, or spendingmore time with my family
instead of hiding and beingconsumed with how I feel.
You see how.
Those are concepts andguidelines.
They're not activities oraccomplishments, but I know that
this is not so easy to grasp,right?
That's okay.
(06:27):
Everybody struggles with thisone, especially anxious people.
So let me give you a littleexercise that might help you get
a little clearer on your values.
Imagine that you're at your ownfuneral, which I know is not
the most comfortable thought,but stick with me here.
What would you want the peoplewho matter most to you at your
funeral to say about how youlived your life?
(06:47):
What qualities would you wantthem to remember about you?
For instance, maybe your bestfriend is delivering your eulogy
.
The answer to this question,odd though it may sound, can
often point to our deepestvalues and this is a common act
exercise, acceptance andcommitment therapy that we use
with therapy clients to helpthem discover or reconnect with
(07:07):
actually matters to them.
Because when you're anxious orafraid all the time, it can be a
little easy to dump all thosevalues on the floor and get
completely consumed with justfeeling better and trying to not
be afraid.
And I get that that's not acrime.
But this is why we start towork actively on reconnecting
values as a way to help us learnhow to take other paths and
(07:29):
explore other options when we'reuncomfortable and feeling
distressed or afraid or anxiousright.
So let's take a look at how thismight play out in real life.
We'll go back to agoraphobia asthe example.
Imagine an agoraphobic facedwith attending a concert at
their child's school Holidayconcerts Holidays ended a couple
months ago, but very common,right.
Anxiety is telling this personto stay home because there it's
(07:52):
safe In this moment.
If that person, our agoraphobicfriend, is connected to his or
her values, perhaps beingpresent for their children,
being involved in theirimportant moments, can help
inform their next move.
Right.
If they can connect to thevalues of connectedness or
belonging or community, theymight be able to say, hey, I do
(08:14):
have other options and I'm goingto express that value by going
to the concert instead ofstaying home and monitoring my
anxious state.
Or if we look at somebody who'sexperiencing, who has OCD, for
instance, that person at afamily gathering might be having
a great time and then suddenlyall the intrusive thoughts come
rushing in, for some unknownreason, that make that person
incredibly uncomfortable, almostnear panic in some instances.
(08:35):
Their immediate urge might beto leave or perform their
behavioral or mental rituals totry to make the thoughts stop
and the discomfort go away, andthen it takes them out of the
environment that they wouldrather be in.
If that person is betterconnected with the value of,
maybe connectedness or beingkind or loving, they might be
able to get a little bit morepresent with the family and it
(08:57):
might choose to help them stayand try to engage, say, in the
conversation, even while thosethoughts and feelings are there.
It's really uncomfortable, butwe're looking for ways to
respond in more considered ways,and one way that we could do
that, as these two examples showus, would be to connect to our
values, because they help usdecide.
(09:17):
Well, what am I going to donext?
I'm really afraid right now,but what am I going to do, right
?
So here's where it gets alittle bit nuanced.
Sometimes, living in accordancewith our values means staying
engaged with life, whatever thatlooks like, while anxiety is
present, like our friend withOCD who is choosing to stay
connected to the conversation atthe family gathering.
But other times it might meanpausing to be with our anxiety,
(09:42):
mindfully learning through thedirect experience of being with
it fully that, whileuncomfortable, it isn't actually
dangerous or damaging, and thedisaster that it protects is not
a thing that needs to beconsidered right?
So this is where we get intothat sit with it thing that some
people kind of take literallyand get confused by.
(10:02):
And if that's you, don't worryabout it.
Lots of people get confused bythis.
Well, if we talk about doingwhat matters in the context of
this podcast episode and YouTubevideo, what matters often means
not actually sitting with it,but bringing the experience with
you into whatever version oflife you're attempting to engage
with at the moment Now,probably not optimally, but you
can still try to engage with thelife that matters to you,
(10:25):
rather than stopping everythingto try to take care of your
anxious state, but also, on theflip side.
Sometimes doing what matterswill actually mean stopping to
sit with it or stand with it orlie with it or walk with it or
whatever, Because sometimes wefind that we are falling back
into resistance or trying to useget present as a technique for
(10:47):
feeling better, closer to thelife that we want and the things
that we really care about mighttell us to take a quick pause,
to actually sit or stand quietly, to face the anxious experience
and allow it more fully.
This is crazy subtle.
It can even take people workingwith an anxiety specialist a
(11:07):
while to get a grip on this.
So if you're not sure, afterlistening to a podcast episode
or watching a YouTube video or10 YouTube videos, what this
even means, that's really okay.
It's not just you.
This is a counterintuitiveprocess that takes time to get
familiar with.
It, takes practice, it takesrepeated experiences and geez,
(11:28):
when do we ever hear that on theAnxious Truth?
A confusing, counterintuitive,paradoxical process.
Who saw that coming right?
So, jokes aside, we can go backto what Dr Russ Harris, who's
very big in the ACT communityyou can Google him, he's awesome
he calls this the ACT triflexand I'll review that quickly.
There are three points in thetriflex.
Think of it as a triangle beingpresent, opening up, and today
(11:51):
we're talking about doing whatmatters.
When we're fully present andobjectively, describing our
experience non-judgmentally, wecan notice the anxiety and
actually see what's happening,rather than getting carried away
into the judgment or theassessment or the prediction.
We open up the second point inthe triflex.
We create space for thosedifficult feelings and we at
least consider that we may haveother options rather than
(12:13):
resisting and fighting againstthem.
Today we're talking about thethird point, which is we connect
with our values, the thingsthat really matter with us.
We can begin to start to chooseactions that actually do matter
in our lives, even when anxiety, fear, discomfort, uncertainty,
even panic is along for theride Like this is possible.
And if we look at theACT-TRIFLEX as our framework,
(12:35):
like I've been talking about thelast couple of episodes, this
gives us sort of a framework onhow to actually practically
accept anxiety.
So at this point it's reallyworth noting that choosing
value-guided actions when you'reanxious and uncomfortable and
afraid really depends heavily onthose first two points of the
triflex that we talked about inepisodes 309 and 310, mindful
(12:57):
awareness and opening up to newexperiences Without the ability
to notice, objectively andnon-judgmentally what's
happening when you're triggered,without creating a little space
between yourself and youranxious experiences.
Taking just this part, which islike act based on your values,
can feel overwhelming or evenimpossible in a lot of cases.
(13:18):
When we're super caught up in astorm of anxiety or panic or
intrusive thoughts and wehaven't yet learned and
practiced stepping back toobserve what's happening
non-judgmentally, when we'restill automatically, reflexively
, unconsciously fighting againstrunning, you know, against the
experiences, or trying to runfrom it or be saved from it or
escape from it.
That's when choosing meaningfulaction that aligns with our
(13:42):
values is most confusing anddifficult and starts to feel
impossible for a lot of people.
This is why things getfrustrating and this is why we
spent time in the first twoparts of this series talking
about building those fundamentalscales of awareness and
openness, because they really domatter.
And while we're talking aboutthe first point, which is
(14:04):
learning to get present andnon-judgmentally observing your
anxiety, if you're interested inlearning practical ways to do
that and to apply the principlesof mindfulness within the
context of anxiety recovery, youcan check out my Practical
Mindfulness Skill Group, whichis on my website at
learntheanxioustruthcom.
These are very small groups ofno more than 10 people that meet
(14:24):
weekly for six weeks.
They include in-meetingmindfulness practices,
between-meeting homework andpractice and plenty of
discussion and opportunities toask questions and get feedback
on this topic.
Again, you can check that outyourself.
That's atlearntheanxioustruthcom.
So I want to acknowledgesomething that's really
important here, I think Choosinga value-based response when
(14:48):
you're anxious, triggeredpanicky, in the middle of a
raging storm of really scarythoughts, it's not easy.
Our brains are wired to reactautomatically to a threat real
or perceived, it doesn't matter.
Resisting anxiety, fighting itor trying to escape from it
often feels like the mostlogical response in the moment.
And, yes, giving in to thoseurges might provide temporary
(15:10):
relief.
That's why we do it.
But here's what I've learned,both professionally and
personally as I've gone throughmy life, is that temporary
relief often comes at the costof moving away from what matters
most to us.
Each time we choose sort ofinstant comfort or instant
relief over our values, wereinforce the idea that anxiety
(15:33):
is something that we cannothandle or something to be
avoided at all costs, or aproblem that can be hacked or
fixed or solved or figured outor researched to death.
Learning to pause in thosemoments, connecting with our
values.
Choosing a meaningful response,even if it's uncomfortable,
takes time and practice.
There is no shortcut here, noquick fix that will make this
(15:54):
simple or easy.
I wish there was, but in myexperience, this approach leads
to a life that feels moremeaningful and fulfilling, even
if anxiety is still part of thejourney.
While you're learning how to dothis, Don't let that discourage
you, right?
So really, I would encourageyou to start spending a little
bit more time reflecting on yourvalues.
(16:15):
What truly matters to you?
What kind of person do you wantto be?
How do you want to show up inyour relationships or your work,
or your life?
These answers can serve as yourcompass when anxiety,
discomfort, fear, uncertainty,distress just feels overwhelming
.
And remember I'm always goingto remind you of this the goal
is never to knock down youranxiety.
(16:37):
It's not to not be anxious.
The goal here the reason whywe're even talking about
accepting anxiety, floating,surrendering, willfully
tolerating it is to be able tofeel anxious and still move in
directions that matter to you.
Sometimes that movement mightbe small, and that's okay.
What matters is that you'reguided by your values in those
(16:58):
moments, even a little bit byyour values, rather than
completely controlled by anxietyand fear.
This really matters.
The object of the game is notto squash your anxiety through
acceptance.
The object of the game is tounderstand that I don't have to
squash my anxiety.
If I learn to work through itand move closer to my values.
Even when I'm comfortable, Ibegin to recognize that like hey
(17:20):
, this is a misguided,mis-firing threat response.
It's still safe and I can sortof teach my brain to go back
into its normal patterns whereanxiety, fear, panic, discomfort
, alarm detection and threatdetection goes back into their
rightful place and I don't haveto worry about anxiety all the
time.
So don't mishear that asconnect to your values and
(17:41):
you'll just get good at being ahorribly anxious person for the
rest of your life.
It's not about that.
It's about knowing that rightnow you might have to learn to
try to live a value-driven lifewhile anxious, but in the end
the happy secondary effect is,if we can learn to do that and
we can apply these principlesoften we wind up in a much less
anxious state overall.
(18:02):
We can't promise that, butthere's a really good chance
that that's where you wind up.
You just got to be patient asyou learn to get to that state
and as we wrap up this series, Ijust want to remind you that
learning to accept anxiety andchoosing value-based responses
is a practice.
There's a reason why we useterms like mindfulness practice.
You will not do it perfectlyand you don't need to.
(18:24):
Each moment is a newopportunity to notice what's
happening and to open up to thatexperience, to choose a
response that aligns with whatmatters to you and to learn from
that.
That's really what we want todo here.
So many people spend so muchtime talking about trying to
heal from their anxiety, but Iwill submit that the whole
process of learning how toaccept anxiety that we've been
(18:45):
talking about for three fullpodcast episodes and YouTube
videos is a process of learning,because the improvement comes
through experiential learningand building an openness to
experiences and moving closer towhat matters.
That's not a healing problem,that's a learning problem, and I
think everybody can learn.
Otherwise I wouldn't be doingthis.
So, anyway, that is episode 311of the Anxious Truth in the
(19:07):
books, and as we end the episode, I'm gonna ask you guys the
same favors I ask at the end ofevery episode You're probably
tired of it which is to rate andreview the podcast if you're
listening on Spotify or ApplePodcasts, because it does help
more people get the help thatthey're looking for.
And if you're watching onYouTube, maybe like the video or
subscribe to my channel or evenmaybe share the video with
somebody that you think mightneed it if you're sort of
(19:29):
watching on YouTube, right, sothat certainly helps and I
appreciate it.
And remember, we're alwaystalking about doing difficult
things here, Sometimes scarythings, but not actually
difficult things and notactually dangerous things.
That's so important.
Scary and difficult do notalways equal dangerous, so
please keep that in mind.
Be nice to yourself while youattempt to use these concepts
(19:52):
and principles in your ownanxiety recovery.
Do not forget that when youtake a step forward, you should
acknowledge what you did and doyour best to take a lesson from
that experience.
Again, it's a learning problemhere, right?
So be mindful of negativejudgment.
The old Craig the Critic startsto chime in from the Disordered
podcast that's at disorderedfm,by the way.
Be mindful of Craig the Criticand his negative judgment
(20:13):
directed at yourself and yourrecovery process, because that
can make things even harder thanthey already are and it serves
no real purpose.
You are working on it and thatreally is a very big deal.
So I will be back again in twoweeks with another podcast
episode.
I'm not really sure what we'regoing to talk about, but I will
definitely be here.
Maybe we'll do like a viewermail kind of thing.
(20:33):
Thanks for hanging out.
I hope you found it helpful.
Thanks for taking your time towatch or listen, and I will
definitely see you two weeks inthe next episode.
Take care of yourself.
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