Why do men shut down in marriage? What makes them stop pursuing, stop initiating, and start checking out emotionally, spiritually, or even physically?
In this final episode of the marriage series, Pastor Mike and Pastor Julie Signorelli unpack the real reasons men lose motivation in relationships—and what you can do to restore purpose, partnership, and passion in your home. This candid conversation goes beyond surface-level advice and gets to the heart of what men and women truly need to thrive.
Whether your marriage feels distant or you simply want to build a stronger bond, this episode gives you the tools, language, and perspective to grow together—not apart.
- What men actually need (hint: it’s not just respect)
- How purpose and partnership reignite a man’s heart
- Why emotional safety matters for both spouses
- Faithfulness beyond fidelity: guarding time, attention, and affection
- Practical ways to reestablish connection and shared rhythms
📲 Get equipped and go deeper at www.mikesignorelli.com
Mentioned in this episode:
Inherit Your Freedom
Are you ready to break free from the cycles of generational trauma, curses, and limitations that have held you and your family captive for years? I recently finished writing my second book - Inherit Your Freedom, a powerful guide to transforming your life and legacy. This is more than a book—it’s a blueprint for breakthrough. Through my personal journey of overcoming my own family’s generational struggles, you’ll gain practical wisdom and real-world tools to unearth the spiritual obstacles holding you back and embrace the life of freedom God has destined for you.
The Domino Revival Movie
The Domino Revival takes moviegoers on an extraordinary journey with Mike Signorelli and a group of revivalists during a pivotal period in our nation’s history. As society’s fascination with the supernatural intensifies, this film unveils the awe-inspiring power of Jesus Christ. Through compelling preaching, documented miracles, triumph over despair, and liberation from demons, The Domino Revival captures the essence of spiritual hunger and delivers a profound cinematic experience. STREAMING NOW!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:33):
All right.
Welcome to our living room inNew York City.
My name is Mike Signorelli,and this is my beautiful wife, Julie.
And we are in our fourth andfinal installation of what men and
women really want.
You made it.
We.
You made it.
So what men really want ispurpose and partnership.
That's what we're going to betalking about.
(00:54):
And what women really want is what?
Faithfulness and commitment.
Yeah.
So women really want faithfulness.
They want commitment.
But men, they really needpurpose and partners.
Okay, so we're going to talkabout that.
And.
Okay, we're going to just jumpright in.
So men.
Men, though, they need purpose.
(01:14):
And one of the things aboutdating is that it.
Dating gives a man a sense ofpurpose because it's like the conquer
thing, right?
It activates this.
Gotta get to know her, thenyou got a date her, then you gotta
engage her, then you gotta.
Yeah, there's like, all these,like, levels.
Like a video game.
It is.
Yeah, exactly.
(01:35):
The video gamific I knew I had.
I had the men at video game, right?
So.
And that's.
That's a real phenomenonbecause it's like, oh, I think she
likes me.
Will she give me a chance?
Can I kiss her?
Can I hold her?
Can I touch her?
How far can I take it?
Can I marry her?
And it goes in phases and stages.
And a lot of guys, they shutdown in the marriage because that
(01:57):
part of them is no longer active.
So men need purpose.
Right, right.
And sometimes when a man feelslike their purpose is dwindling or
diminishing or gone, they'relike, you what?
What does it really matter?
She's never happy, you know,nothing I do.
And what they'll do is they'llshift their focus to an alternative
(02:18):
purpose.
And that's why, you see, men,they start getting into hobbies.
Oh, I got to re.
I'm.
I'm actually working on a car,you know, like.
Because what happens isthey're so wired for purpose that
if they feel like, well,listen, my previous purpose was this
relationship, but now it feels purposeless.
I'm just going to move on, andI'll reallocate this energy towards
(02:41):
other purposes.
Makes a lot of sense becausemen have a lot of hobby groups, you.
Know, like, no, there'snothing wrong with the hobby, but,
like.
No, no, no.
I know what you're saying.
I.
It's just, like, innate in you.
It is.
But here's the question.
Is it a hobby or is itmisdirected purpose?
Well, let me.
Let me say this.
Did the hobby Replace your,your relationship.
(03:02):
Like, because every man, Ibelieve, needs one or more hobbies.
Oh, yeah, I think they're very important.
Yes, yes.
You know, it's like, I got alot of hobbies, actually.
Yeah.
But it's, it's healthy in thefact that it doesn't replace purpose.
Right.
And so a lot of men strugglefor, for that.
But then women, they need faithfulness.
(03:23):
And so sometimes what I justtry to do is try to make the distinction
between purpose and faithfulness.
Because sometimes in a man'sattempt to find, he becomes unfaithful
because it's like I switch.
Now I'm going to go herebecause I feel like, what does it
matter anyway, you know, this relationship?
Or they get comfortable andthey're like, yeah, you know what?
(03:43):
Like, I don't need to advancethis marriage.
Like, I'm on cruise control,so I'm going to go find purpose.
So a man can become unfaithfulin his attempt to find purpose in
the wrong place.
Right.
And then.
But a woman really needs faithfulness.
So, And I.
Explain it to me.
Well, I mean, I think womenand, and I know this isn't the case
(04:06):
for all women because somebodyin the chat's gonna say, what about
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But I would say most women whoare not, you know, who.
There isn't something wrongwith them are wired for commitment.
Like, we are hardwired.
We.
When we have babies.
(04:27):
That's why it's, it's so instinctual.
It's so instinctual.
And that's why there'ssomething like, there's a red flag
when a mother doesn't have theconnection with their baby, because
that's what's like usual, natural.
Right?
And so when it comes to, I, Iknow that there are people out there
(04:49):
that, not biblical, thatbelieve, like, you know, that they
don't have to have monogamy.
They're not wired for that.
Well, guess what?
You are wired for that.
(05:35):
That is.
Even science will tell youthat, that the most fulfilled relationships
are monogamous heterosexualcouples who are committed to each
other.
So we are hardwired.
Hardwired for it at abiological level.
We just are.
And scripturally, we aretaught, you know, when you're a woman
(05:57):
coming up in the faith, andfor those of you who didn't grow
up in church, you know, like,I don't know, but like, as a woman
growing up in the faith, inthe church, you know, you're taught,
you get married and you liveyour whole life with this person.
And so that is like, in my subconscious.
Right.
So when it comes tocommitment, I used to get so offended
(06:20):
when I felt like things werelike vying for your.
For your commitment, like your time.
Like you had a, you know, a band.
And how much time was he spending?
Because I want you to becommitted to me and nothing else,
you know, that's theunhealthy, toxic part of me, you
know?
You're admitting that?
I'm admitting it.
I remember when you were withyour band.
(06:42):
If I felt like band, we had adetached garage at the time.
And if I felt like bandrehearsal was going too long.
Do you remember me doing this?
There was a power switch inthe house and I would just shut the
power off to the garage.
Yeah, that's a little toxic.
No, that was very toxic.
Granted, you had your owntoxic tendencies, but my.
(07:04):
I felt like if there wasanything that was threatening our
commitment, that I just wantedto chop it off.
Whether it was healthy,unhealthy, doesn't matter.
Not every man is addicted tovideo games.
So some women, every time theypick up, you know, a video game controller,
they're just going crazy.
(07:24):
Well, okay.
Is it the fact that they'redoing something other than you, or
are you, you know, jealous?
There's a lot to be determined.
So I think when it comes tocommitment, if we feel like.
Because I think the obviousthing is fidelity, like, obviously
we want you to be committed,but the more non obvious thing are
(07:48):
the things that vie for yourtime commitment.
Yeah, I don't know if that.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, absolutely.
Because it's like you.
If you feel.
What you're saying is thatsometimes women, if they feel like
anything is to the detrimentof that faithfulness.
Right.
So sometimes they can't, intheir own mind, they can't make amends
of, like, in other words,like, they.
(08:10):
You can't put it all togetherand say, it's possible that he still
loves me and he's faithful tome, but he also has these other things
in his life.
You're right.
I mean, there are someunhealthy marriages where they only
have each other.
No, you know what I mean?
Like, and that's not healthy either.
Yeah.
Because I think that there'ssomething to be said about, like,
having a separate lifeactually makes the together time
(08:34):
more healthy.
You know what I mean?
So it's like, it's beneficialfor me to go do this and explore
this and see this.
Then when we do come together,there's some.
There's it's exciting youknow, because there are some couples
that.
It's like they actually losetheir individuality, but for the
sake of the marriage, when Ithink that faithfulness doesn't necessarily
mean, like, exclusivity interms of my time, you know, because
(08:59):
there's some people that theybecome one dimensional.
And it's like, you go to work,you come home, go to sleep, go to
work, come home, go to sleep.
And then ironically, the.
A man that does that canbecome less attractive to a woman.
You know what I mean?
Because they.
It's like they've lost their edge.
And so it's like, I thinkthere's a dynamic to this where a
(09:21):
healthy man is not like always home.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's like, are you goingto the gym?
Do you go golf?
Do you have male friends whereoccasionally you go out shooting
with them?
You know, doing different.
Like, is there something about you?
And like, obviously you canspend too much time on those things.
Like, we're talking abouthealthy, like rhythms of rest.
(09:47):
Yeah.
Like Ecclesiastes 3.
There's a time for everything.
Sure.
Now, there's been seasonswhere I think I went too far.
Like, absolutely.
In the band thing where it waslike I obsessed over the music and
I just wanted to be an artist.
Right.
But then there's also beentimes where I've gone too far into
work.
And this is like a more recent.
Oh, yeah.
Which we're.
We're in a Sabbath year rightnow where we're like peeling back.
(10:09):
I got my travel down to the minimums.
You know, we're.
We're in a.
We're trying to work that out because.
And I like that you were.
You used the word rhythm, notseason or, you know, because it's
like a healthy rhythm.
Like six days of work, one dayof Sabbath.
That's how God demonstratedwas more work than Sabbath.
(10:31):
Some people have six days ofrest, one day of work.
You know what I mean?
Like, if you added it all upand maybe that convicted somebody.
Now, for me, what's funny isyou were toxic.
You did shut off the garage.
Oh, yeah.
But then I counterbalanced theother direction and I hit a stretch
of building for our family,building legacy to where how I knew
(10:54):
I was getting unbalanced islike, you would come home with a
hockey stick for me, you know,like you were trying to jump start
my hobby.
Rollerblades, like, whatever Icould get.
Like your golf clubs.
Like, let's do this.
Yeah.
And that was actually assignedto me, you know, that, like, you
know, hey, I just bought you afishing pole.
Like, please do somethingother than work.
(11:15):
It was funny because in 2024,it was the year of people giving
you gifts, hoping you wouldget a hobby, which is fun.
You have hobbies, you havemusic, you have different things
that you would do.
Poetry.
There's a lot of things thatare hobbies that people don't see.
So, you know, and nontraditional hobbies, like art and
(11:35):
different things that, youknow, you're.
You're, if you will.
But it was funny because,like, last year, someone gifted you
a PlayStation.
Someone gifted you or whatever.
I don't know.
I don't know which.
I've played that thing a dozentimes in the last year.
But every time I do, it'sliterally like once or twice a month.
(11:57):
I literally go, man, I feel.
I feel better.
That was cool.
And I like.
And it makes me so happyseeing you do it, but that's how
it should be.
You know, if your wife islike, oh, my gosh, he's playing video
games again, it's like, youmight want to examine your commitment
to her.
Yeah.
You know, you might want toexamine, like, if things are imbalance
(12:22):
versus, like, you know, everytime you pick up a controller, our
kids are like, yay.
He'S doing something funny, normal.
Yeah.
They celebrate it.
Yes.
And we do it more, do it every day.
And then, you know, we.
We got you golf clubs andwe're like, putting it on your calendar
to make you do it.
(12:43):
Yeah.
So it's like you don't want to be.
I think you've had seasonsbeing too far in each direction,
but, you know, when you werein too far in the direction of spending
too much time, if I felt likeour commitment to each other was
threatened, like, it felt likein either way, that hobby was in
(13:03):
either way.
Right.
Because you could be right.
Or your hobby can boththreaten your faithfulness.
Yes.
Yes, definitely.
So I don't know.
Yeah.
Now that's a really.
That's a really good point.
And I think for men.
Well, men, they need purposeand partnership.
Yes.
So I remember going back tothe time where, you know, I was making
(13:23):
music all.
All day and night.
I felt like I needed partnership.
Like, I would want you to cometo the shows and you would never
want to go.
Yeah.
And I'm like, but I'm playingthe biggest venues in Chicago and,
you know, and.
And sometimes that would putresentment in my heart because, you
know, you know, it was like,well, all these other people are.
Are coming, and my own wife,you know, doesn't want to come.
So men need partnership.
(13:45):
And then even with theministry, it's like, you know, there's
times where, you know, I'mlike, man, I need my wife to rock
with me.
I.
It's like, I need a partner.
And so I think one of thethings I would encourage the women
to do is think of yourselflike the w.
You're thinking about how Icould be faithful.
But you.
But you should also bethinking about how you can be a partner.
(14:08):
Yeah.
So, like, if your man fishes,can you fish with him?
If your man golfs, can you golike, you always want to ride.
You want to drive the car?
Yeah, yeah.
You know, but you only can do,like, nine holes.
You can't do eight.
I can only do four.
Yeah, because of yourattention span.
And you're like, okay, I'mgonna be on my phone.
I want to eat the snacks.
I'm done.
But it's like, can you be a partner?
(14:28):
Because I think a lot of men,deep down inside, if they were being
honest, they view their wifeas, like, this, as a partner and,
like, you know, an accessory.
Like, this is my.
You know, she's here with me.
Like, she's on my arm, andwe're going through life together.
And then when it feels likethey're an.
An enemy or an oppositionversus a partner, that's where there's.
(14:52):
You know, so it's like, enterhis world, even if it's not your
world.
Yeah.
You know, and I think thatthat, to me, is something that would
encourage, like, the women,like, think about his hobby and act
like you care about it.
Right.
That.
And that'll blow his mind.
Well, it's like, what dofriends do when you're friends?
You like, my friend.
(15:13):
I want to go shopping.
I want to go to lunch.
I want to go to brunch.
We like the same things.
We do the same things together.
That's part of the bonding.
But when it comes to ourspouse, it's like, oh, yeah, you're
going hunting.
Good luck.
Like, no.
What if you got the fatigues on?
I don't know what huntinglanguage is.
I live in New York City.
I have no idea.
But what are camo.
You get.
(15:33):
You get the.
On.
Put your.
Yeah.
And.
And just sit there and go.
Go for it.
Because you would do that foryour friends, you know, how much
more your spouse.
(16:43):
And then I think a lot about, like.
But we partner and work together.
I don't look at it as your career.
You know, I look at it as.
This is what.
What.
What Helps our family.
And so I'm all in.
So, like, for example, todayyou had an appointment and we had
a guest coming.
And so instead of just lettingyou feel the full weight of it, I
(17:05):
jumped in and was like, we'redoing this.
And we were cleaning the yard,we were getting the house ready,
we were ordering food.
And it was like, yeah, it wasyour thing.
It was your commitment.
But because we're a family, Iwas, like, partnered with you in
that.
And you didn't feel alone whenyou came home.
Everything was ready.
Go.
We were ready to rock.
(17:25):
And so that's what we did.
Yep.
So we partnered.
Yeah.
And.
And here's what I want to,like, close on just to encourage
everybody.
So I.
I really believe that whatmarriage is is two people trying
to out serve each other.
So, like, I'm.
I'm trying to out serve you.
You're trying to out serve me.
Like, to be honest with you, Idon't care about nails, but I've
(17:48):
gone to the nail salon withyou, and I am their favorite.
Yeah, they love you.
I tip them really well.
And, you know, they're tryingto massage my neck and all this weird
stuff because they're like, welove this guy.
And but.
But the thing is, like, that'syour world.
Matter of fact, I feel awkward.
You are very.
In fact, they like, like, atthe nail salon, they try to give
(18:09):
you this, like, 22nd, like,massage at the end, like.
And you are so uncomfortable.
You're like, please don't.
Yeah.
Or the times that I've gone toyou, gone with you to, you know,
the.
The shopping, little, youknow, and you know, I hate it, but
I'm entering your.
And there's something about that.
Like, I'm entering your space.
I'm entering your world.
I'm caring about what you care about.
(18:30):
I love that.
And so, you know, as we cometo a close, I.
My prayer is that as we.
We have bared our souls, we'velaughed hysterically, we've cried,
we've told you some of ourweirdest stories.
Yes.
Don't let your men.
Men, do not let your pursuitof purpose cause you to become unfaithful.
(18:51):
And then women, don't let yourneed for faithfulness actually cause
you to not be a partner.
Come on.
You said that.
Good.
I'm just trying to help y' all.
You said that, too.
Good.
Yeah.
No notes.
Yeah.
Come on.
No.
No.
Well, we're living the nose.
We're living it.
And I think sometimes we putso much emphasis on these cleverly
(19:14):
crafted Sermonettes and allthis stuff.
And there's a place for that.
I mean, I prepare.
I spend about 20 or 30 hours aweek on the sermons that I preach
on Sunday because there'sthousands of people that need that
fresh manna.
They need the meat of the word.
And I.
I take that very seriously.
And that's why millions ofpeople cumulatively listen to the
(19:35):
sermons on Sunday, and wefeast on it all week across all of
our locations.
And, you know, but for thisformat, I felt like the greatest
value we could bring is, like,if you were able.
And a lot of times it's like,oh, I wish that you could help us.
You know, we get that mess bythe hundreds.
In my inbox, my ministryinbox, it's literally couples.
(19:56):
If you could just have onemeeting with my husband, one meeting
with me.
And so I was like, let's do four.
Let's do four.
You're invited to my living room.
This is all the stuff we wouldliterally say.
This is what we would say.
We wouldn't have a.
And that's why we did this.
And we'll keep going.
Marriage refreshers, all that.
So thank you for letting me beyour husband.
(20:17):
Thanks for being married to me.
Thanks for staying with methrough the toxic era.
You were my first subscriber Iwas ever.
And thank you for, well, sortof letting me learn and figure it
out in front of you.
Yeah.
And to everybody watchingright now, you know, thank you for
letting us figure this out.
I mean, we're.
We're far from perfect, but we're.
(20:40):
We haven't.
We're trying.
We're trying.
I mean, love God, love yourspouse, you know, preach average.
Yep.
Because when you try to preachreal extra, you end up in heresies.
Right.
So preach average, preach theword of God, and never give up.
And those are the hardestthings to do.
(21:01):
There's many people who stayloving their spouse but stop loving
God.
There's many people who loveGod, love their spouse, but then
they get off into these wildheresies where they.
Because of the itching oftheir ears, they crave.
How weird can we get?
I'm good with preaching average.
It's like, hey, man, can you just.
Feast on the word every day and.
(21:21):
And not get such an exoticdiet that you end up on heresies?
And then.
Or the last.
There's many people love God,love their wife.
They stay faithful to thescriptures, but then they give up.
And so it's like myimpartation to every single one of
you watching right now isthose four things.
There's four episodes, andthere's four things that we want
(21:42):
to impart in you.
Love God, love your spouse,love the word of God, and never give
up.
So I want to want to pray overeach and every one of you right now.
Prayer of reconciliation andhealing and restoration.
Father, I pray right now foreach and every one watching, Lord,
(22:02):
that you would divinely andsovereignly heal them.
God, I believe in the.
I don't believe in coincidences.
I believe in divine confirmations.
And the stories that weretold, the lessons that were learned
were all divinely depositedinto the legacy of their family.
And I pray that children andgrandchildren and great, great grandchildren
(22:22):
are all going to be connectedto their yes.
And Father, I thank you thatwhat you put together, let no man
separate.
Father, I pray for the unityin their marriage.
And I thank you, Lord, that asthey continue to grow together, Lord,
that you will refresh thosewho refreshed each other.
And Father, we thank you.
(22:43):
In Jesus name, amen.
All right, y' all, that's it.
That's a wrap.
We'll see you in the next one.
All right.
Welcome to our living room inNew York City.
My name is Mike Signorelli,and this is my beautiful wife, Julie.
And we are in our fourth andfinal installation of what men and
women really want.
You made it.
We.
You made it.
So what men really want ispurpose and partnership.
That's what we're going to betalking about.
(00:54):
And what women really want is what?
Faithfulness and commitment.
Yeah.
So women really want faithfulness.
They want commitment.
But men, they really needpurpose and partners.
Okay, so we're going to talkabout that.
And.
Okay, we're going to just jumpright in.
So men.
Men, though, they need purpose.
(01:14):
And one of the things aboutdating is that it.
Dating gives a man a sense ofpurpose because it's like the conquer
thing, right?
It activates this.
Gotta get to know her, thenyou got a date her, then you gotta
engage her, then you gotta.
Yeah, there's like, all these,like, levels.
Like a video game.
It is.
Yeah, exactly.
(01:35):
The video gamific I knew I had.
I had the men at video game, right?
So.
And that's.
That's a real phenomenonbecause it's like, oh, I think she
likes me.
Will she give me a chance?
Can I kiss her?
Can I hold her?
Can I touch her?
How far can I take it?
Can I marry her?
And it goes in phases and stages.
And a lot of guys, they shutdown in the marriage because that
(01:57):
part of them is no longer active.
So men need purpose.
Right, right.
And sometimes when a man feelslike their purpose is dwindling or
diminishing or gone, they'relike, you what?
What does it really matter?
She's never happy, you know,nothing I do.
And what they'll do is they'llshift their focus to an alternative
(02:18):
purpose.
And that's why, you see, men,they start getting into hobbies.
Oh, I got to re.
I'm.
I'm actually working on a car,you know, like.
Because what happens isthey're so wired for purpose that
if they feel like, well,listen, my previous purpose was this
relationship, but now it feels purposeless.
I'm just going to move on, andI'll reallocate this energy towards
(02:41):
other purposes.
Makes a lot of sense becausemen have a lot of hobby groups, you.
Know, like, no, there'snothing wrong with the hobby, but,
like.
No, no, no.
I know what you're saying.
I.
It's just, like, innate in you.
It is.
But here's the question.
Is it a hobby or is itmisdirected purpose?
Well, let me.
Let me say this.
Did the hobby Replace your,your relationship.
(03:02):
Like, because every man, Ibelieve, needs one or more hobbies.
Oh, yeah, I think they're very important.
Yes, yes.
You know, it's like, I got alot of hobbies, actually.
Yeah.
But it's, it's healthy in thefact that it doesn't replace purpose.
Right.
And so a lot of men strugglefor, for that.
But then women, they need faithfulness.
(03:23):
And so sometimes what I justtry to do is try to make the distinction
between purpose and faithfulness.
Because sometimes in a man'sattempt to find, he becomes unfaithful
because it's like I switch.
Now I'm going to go herebecause I feel like, what does it
matter anyway, you know, this relationship?
Or they get comfortable andthey're like, yeah, you know what?
(03:43):
Like, I don't need to advancethis marriage.
Like, I'm on cruise control,so I'm going to go find purpose.
So a man can become unfaithfulin his attempt to find purpose in
the wrong place.
Right.
And then.
But a woman really needs faithfulness.
So, And I.
Explain it to me.
Well, I mean, I think womenand, and I know this isn't the case
(04:06):
for all women because somebodyin the chat's gonna say, what about
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But I would say most women whoare not, you know, who.
There isn't something wrongwith them are wired for commitment.
Like, we are hardwired.
We.
When we have babies.
(04:27):
That's why it's, it's so instinctual.
It's so instinctual.
And that's why there'ssomething like, there's a red flag
when a mother doesn't have theconnection with their baby, because
that's what's like usual, natural.
Right?
And so when it comes to, I, Iknow that there are people out there
(04:49):
that, not biblical, thatbelieve, like, you know, that they
don't have to have monogamy.
They're not wired for that.
Well, guess what?
You are wired for that.
(05:35):
That is.
Even science will tell youthat, that the most fulfilled relationships
are monogamous heterosexualcouples who are committed to each
other.
So we are hardwired.
Hardwired for it at abiological level.
We just are.
And scripturally, we aretaught, you know, when you're a woman
(05:57):
coming up in the faith, andfor those of you who didn't grow
up in church, you know, like,I don't know, but like, as a woman
growing up in the faith, inthe church, you know, you're taught,
you get married and you liveyour whole life with this person.
And so that is like, in my subconscious.
Right.
So when it comes tocommitment, I used to get so offended
(06:20):
when I felt like things werelike vying for your.
For your commitment, like your time.
Like you had a, you know, a band.
And how much time was he spending?
Because I want you to becommitted to me and nothing else,
you know, that's theunhealthy, toxic part of me, you
know?
You're admitting that?
I'm admitting it.
I remember when you were withyour band.
(06:42):
If I felt like band, we had adetached garage at the time.
And if I felt like bandrehearsal was going too long.
Do you remember me doing this?
There was a power switch inthe house and I would just shut the
power off to the garage.
Yeah, that's a little toxic.
No, that was very toxic.
Granted, you had your owntoxic tendencies, but my.
(07:04):
I felt like if there wasanything that was threatening our
commitment, that I just wantedto chop it off.
Whether it was healthy,unhealthy, doesn't matter.
Not every man is addicted tovideo games.
So some women, every time theypick up, you know, a video game controller,
they're just going crazy.
(07:24):
Well, okay.
Is it the fact that they'redoing something other than you, or
are you, you know, jealous?
There's a lot to be determined.
So I think when it comes tocommitment, if we feel like.
Because I think the obviousthing is fidelity, like, obviously
we want you to be committed,but the more non obvious thing are
(07:48):
the things that vie for yourtime commitment.
Yeah, I don't know if that.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, absolutely.
Because it's like you.
If you feel.
What you're saying is thatsometimes women, if they feel like
anything is to the detrimentof that faithfulness.
Right.
So sometimes they can't, intheir own mind, they can't make amends
of, like, in other words,like, they.
(08:10):
You can't put it all togetherand say, it's possible that he still
loves me and he's faithful tome, but he also has these other things
in his life.
You're right.
I mean, there are someunhealthy marriages where they only
have each other.
No, you know what I mean?
Like, and that's not healthy either.
Yeah.
Because I think that there'ssomething to be said about, like,
having a separate lifeactually makes the together time
(08:34):
more healthy.
You know what I mean?
So it's like, it's beneficialfor me to go do this and explore
this and see this.
Then when we do come together,there's some.
There's it's exciting youknow, because there are some couples
that.
It's like they actually losetheir individuality, but for the
sake of the marriage, when Ithink that faithfulness doesn't necessarily
mean, like, exclusivity interms of my time, you know, because
(08:59):
there's some people that theybecome one dimensional.
And it's like, you go to work,you come home, go to sleep, go to
work, come home, go to sleep.
And then ironically, the.
A man that does that canbecome less attractive to a woman.
You know what I mean?
Because they.
It's like they've lost their edge.
And so it's like, I thinkthere's a dynamic to this where a
(09:21):
healthy man is not like always home.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's like, are you goingto the gym?
Do you go golf?
Do you have male friends whereoccasionally you go out shooting
with them?
You know, doing different.
Like, is there something about you?
And like, obviously you canspend too much time on those things.
Like, we're talking abouthealthy, like rhythms of rest.
(09:47):
Yeah.
Like Ecclesiastes 3.
There's a time for everything.
Sure.
Now, there's been seasonswhere I think I went too far.
Like, absolutely.
In the band thing where it waslike I obsessed over the music and
I just wanted to be an artist.
Right.
But then there's also beentimes where I've gone too far into
work.
And this is like a more recent.
Oh, yeah.
Which we're.
We're in a Sabbath year rightnow where we're like peeling back.
(10:09):
I got my travel down to the minimums.
You know, we're.
We're in a.
We're trying to work that out because.
And I like that you were.
You used the word rhythm, notseason or, you know, because it's
like a healthy rhythm.
Like six days of work, one dayof Sabbath.
That's how God demonstratedwas more work than Sabbath.
(10:31):
Some people have six days ofrest, one day of work.
You know what I mean?
Like, if you added it all upand maybe that convicted somebody.
Now, for me, what's funny isyou were toxic.
You did shut off the garage.
Oh, yeah.
But then I counterbalanced theother direction and I hit a stretch
of building for our family,building legacy to where how I knew
(10:54):
I was getting unbalanced islike, you would come home with a
hockey stick for me, you know,like you were trying to jump start
my hobby.
Rollerblades, like, whatever Icould get.
Like your golf clubs.
Like, let's do this.
Yeah.
And that was actually assignedto me, you know, that, like, you
know, hey, I just bought you afishing pole.
Like, please do somethingother than work.
(11:15):
It was funny because in 2024,it was the year of people giving
you gifts, hoping you wouldget a hobby, which is fun.
You have hobbies, you havemusic, you have different things
that you would do.
Poetry.
There's a lot of things thatare hobbies that people don't see.
So, you know, and nontraditional hobbies, like art and
(11:35):
different things that, youknow, you're.
You're, if you will.
But it was funny because,like, last year, someone gifted you
a PlayStation.
Someone gifted you or whatever.
I don't know.
I don't know which.
I've played that thing a dozentimes in the last year.
But every time I do, it'sliterally like once or twice a month.
(11:57):
I literally go, man, I feel.
I feel better.
That was cool.
And I like.
And it makes me so happyseeing you do it, but that's how
it should be.
You know, if your wife islike, oh, my gosh, he's playing video
games again, it's like, youmight want to examine your commitment
to her.
Yeah.
You know, you might want toexamine, like, if things are imbalance
(12:22):
versus, like, you know, everytime you pick up a controller, our
kids are like, yay.
He'S doing something funny, normal.
Yeah.
They celebrate it.
Yes.
And we do it more, do it every day.
And then, you know, we.
We got you golf clubs andwe're like, putting it on your calendar
to make you do it.
(12:43):
Yeah.
So it's like you don't want to be.
I think you've had seasonsbeing too far in each direction,
but, you know, when you werein too far in the direction of spending
too much time, if I felt likeour commitment to each other was
threatened, like, it felt likein either way, that hobby was in
(13:03):
either way.
Right.
Because you could be right.
Or your hobby can boththreaten your faithfulness.
Yes.
Yes, definitely.
So I don't know.
Yeah.
Now that's a really.
That's a really good point.
And I think for men.
Well, men, they need purposeand partnership.
Yes.
So I remember going back tothe time where, you know, I was making
(13:23):
music all.
All day and night.
I felt like I needed partnership.
Like, I would want you to cometo the shows and you would never
want to go.
Yeah.
And I'm like, but I'm playingthe biggest venues in Chicago and,
you know, and.
And sometimes that would putresentment in my heart because, you
know, you know, it was like,well, all these other people are.
Are coming, and my own wife,you know, doesn't want to come.
So men need partnership.
(13:45):
And then even with theministry, it's like, you know, there's
times where, you know, I'mlike, man, I need my wife to rock
with me.
I.
It's like, I need a partner.
And so I think one of thethings I would encourage the women
to do is think of yourselflike the w.
You're thinking about how Icould be faithful.
But you.
But you should also bethinking about how you can be a partner.
(14:08):
Yeah.
So, like, if your man fishes,can you fish with him?
If your man golfs, can you golike, you always want to ride.
You want to drive the car?
Yeah, yeah.
You know, but you only can do,like, nine holes.
You can't do eight.
I can only do four.
Yeah, because of yourattention span.
And you're like, okay, I'mgonna be on my phone.
I want to eat the snacks.
I'm done.
But it's like, can you be a partner?
(14:28):
Because I think a lot of men,deep down inside, if they were being
honest, they view their wifeas, like, this, as a partner and,
like, you know, an accessory.
Like, this is my.
You know, she's here with me.
Like, she's on my arm, andwe're going through life together.
And then when it feels likethey're an.
An enemy or an oppositionversus a partner, that's where there's.
(14:52):
You know, so it's like, enterhis world, even if it's not your
world.
Yeah.
You know, and I think thatthat, to me, is something that would
encourage, like, the women,like, think about his hobby and act
like you care about it.
Right.
That.
And that'll blow his mind.
Well, it's like, what dofriends do when you're friends?
You like, my friend.
(15:13):
I want to go shopping.
I want to go to lunch.
I want to go to brunch.
We like the same things.
We do the same things together.
That's part of the bonding.
But when it comes to ourspouse, it's like, oh, yeah, you're
going hunting.
Good luck.
Like, no.
What if you got the fatigues on?
I don't know what huntinglanguage is.
I live in New York City.
I have no idea.
But what are camo.
You get.
(15:33):
You get the.
On.
Put your.
Yeah.
And.
And just sit there and go.
Go for it.
Because you would do that foryour friends, you know, how much
more your spouse.
(16:43):
And then I think a lot about, like.
But we partner and work together.
I don't look at it as your career.
You know, I look at it as.
This is what.
What.
What Helps our family.
And so I'm all in.
So, like, for example, todayyou had an appointment and we had
a guest coming.
And so instead of just lettingyou feel the full weight of it, I
(17:05):
jumped in and was like, we'redoing this.
And we were cleaning the yard,we were getting the house ready,
we were ordering food.
And it was like, yeah, it wasyour thing.
It was your commitment.
But because we're a family, Iwas, like, partnered with you in
that.
And you didn't feel alone whenyou came home.
Everything was ready.
Go.
We were ready to rock.
(17:25):
And so that's what we did.
Yep.
So we partnered.
Yeah.
And.
And here's what I want to,like, close on just to encourage
everybody.
So I.
I really believe that whatmarriage is is two people trying
to out serve each other.
So, like, I'm.
I'm trying to out serve you.
You're trying to out serve me.
Like, to be honest with you, Idon't care about nails, but I've
(17:48):
gone to the nail salon withyou, and I am their favorite.
Yeah, they love you.
I tip them really well.
And, you know, they're tryingto massage my neck and all this weird
stuff because they're like, welove this guy.
And but.
But the thing is, like, that'syour world.
Matter of fact, I feel awkward.
You are very.
In fact, they like, like, atthe nail salon, they try to give
(18:09):
you this, like, 22nd, like,massage at the end, like.
And you are so uncomfortable.
You're like, please don't.
Yeah.
Or the times that I've gone toyou, gone with you to, you know,
the.
The shopping, little, youknow, and you know, I hate it, but
I'm entering your.
And there's something about that.
Like, I'm entering your space.
I'm entering your world.
I'm caring about what you care about.
(18:30):
I love that.
And so, you know, as we cometo a close, I.
My prayer is that as we.
We have bared our souls, we'velaughed hysterically, we've cried,
we've told you some of ourweirdest stories.
Yes.
Don't let your men.
Men, do not let your pursuitof purpose cause you to become unfaithful.
(18:51):
And then women, don't let yourneed for faithfulness actually cause
you to not be a partner.
Come on.
You said that.
Good.
I'm just trying to help y' all.
You said that, too.
Good.
Yeah.
No notes.
Yeah.
Come on.
No.
No.
Well, we're living the nose.
We're living it.
And I think sometimes we putso much emphasis on these cleverly
(19:14):
crafted Sermonettes and allthis stuff.
And there's a place for that.
I mean, I prepare.
I spend about 20 or 30 hours aweek on the sermons that I preach
on Sunday because there'sthousands of people that need that
fresh manna.
They need the meat of the word.
And I.
I take that very seriously.
And that's why millions ofpeople cumulatively listen to the
(19:35):
sermons on Sunday, and wefeast on it all week across all of
our locations.
And, you know, but for thisformat, I felt like the greatest
value we could bring is, like,if you were able.
And a lot of times it's like,oh, I wish that you could help us.
You know, we get that mess bythe hundreds.
In my inbox, my ministryinbox, it's literally couples.
(19:56):
If you could just have onemeeting with my husband, one meeting
with me.
And so I was like, let's do four.
Let's do four.
You're invited to my living room.
This is all the stuff we wouldliterally say.
This is what we would say.
We wouldn't have a.
And that's why we did this.
And we'll keep going.
Marriage refreshers, all that.
So thank you for letting me beyour husband.
(20:17):
Thanks for being married to me.
Thanks for staying with methrough the toxic era.
You were my first subscriber Iwas ever.
And thank you for, well, sortof letting me learn and figure it
out in front of you.
Yeah.
And to everybody watchingright now, you know, thank you for
letting us figure this out.
I mean, we're.
We're far from perfect, but we're.
(20:40):
We haven't.
We're trying.
We're trying.
I mean, love God, love yourspouse, you know, preach average.
Yep.
Because when you try to preachreal extra, you end up in heresies.
Right.
So preach average, preach theword of God, and never give up.
And those are the hardestthings to do.
(21:01):
There's many people who stayloving their spouse but stop loving
God.
There's many people who loveGod, love their spouse, but then
they get off into these wildheresies where they.
Because of the itching oftheir ears, they crave.
How weird can we get?
I'm good with preaching average.
It's like, hey, man, can you just.
Feast on the word every day and.
(21:21):
And not get such an exoticdiet that you end up on heresies?
And then.
Or the last.
There's many people love God,love their wife.
They stay faithful to thescriptures, but then they give up.
And so it's like myimpartation to every single one of
you watching right now isthose four things.
There's four episodes, andthere's four things that we want
(21:42):
to impart in you.
Love God, love your spouse,love the word of God, and never give
up.
So I want to want to pray overeach and every one of you right now.
Prayer of reconciliation andhealing and restoration.
Father, I pray right now foreach and every one watching, Lord,
(22:02):
that you would divinely andsovereignly heal them.
God, I believe in the.
I don't believe in coincidences.
I believe in divine confirmations.
And the stories that weretold, the lessons that were learned
were all divinely depositedinto the legacy of their family.
And I pray that children andgrandchildren and great, great grandchildren
(22:22):
are all going to be connectedto their yes.
And Father, I thank you thatwhat you put together, let no man
separate.
Father, I pray for the unityin their marriage.
And I thank you, Lord, that asthey continue to grow together, Lord,
that you will refresh thosewho refreshed each other.
And Father, we thank you.
(22:43):
In Jesus name, amen.
All right, y' all, that's it.
That's a wrap.
We'll see you in the next one.
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