October 29, 2024 • 23 mins
Resilience is a crucial live skill that everyone needs but it can be particularly crucial for young people as they navigate the challenges of modern life.
This is a live recording of an event Jonathan recently spoke at in Dallas, Texas to hundreds of teenagers.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jonathan Doyle (00:08):
Well, hey there, Jonathan Doyle with you here.
Thanks so much for taking a momentto listen to this very short video.
Audio live recording from a recentsession I did with a fantastic group
of young people here in Dallas, Texas.
I was asked to come in to speakto a few hundred students on the
issue of resilience, how we cangrow in resilience, why it matters.
(00:28):
We start with a great definition.
We go on to how resilience canhelp us to really flourish in life.
And then I want to provide a bunchof really practical strategies at
the end of how we can definitelydevelop resilience in our life.
All right, that's it for me.
At the end of this live recording, I'llpop back and give you some more details.
But for now, I hope this will be usefulto you, whether you're a parent, whether
(00:49):
a young person, I just hope that thismessage is going to help you realize
why we are capable of extraordinaryresilience, why it matters, And how
to go about making it a reality.
Sit back, relax, enjoy, I'llspeak to you again soon.
friends, you will forget most of what Isay, so whenever I'm presenting, I try
and give people what I call a throughline, which is something to remember.
(01:10):
I just call it the big if.
The big if wants you to remember thatif there was something that I could
teach you in the next 30 minutes.
If.
There was something that I couldteach you in the next 30 minutes
that would help you now, that wouldhelp you to flourish in the future,
because you do need to understandthere are very successful people in
the world who do particular things.
It is up to you if you find outwhat they do and do those things.
(01:31):
I can't make you do it.
I'll be gone on Thursday, but I'mgoing to show you what they are.
If I could show you that,would it be useful to you?
That's the big if question.
I'm going to show you something.
Would it be useful to you if youcould learn this inside 30 minutes?
We're going to record this, we'llgive you a recording of it, I'll
send you a PDF document with thehighlights, and if I get time, I'll
do a quick video to reinforce it.
(01:52):
But, here's what I want to offer you.
You heard Miss, uh, introducebefore she said we're going to
talk about a particular word.
I think when you heard that word, even ifyou heard it, your brain probably went,
Meh, like, I don't think anybody here wokeup this morning thinking to themselves,
If only Somebody would travel 10, 000miles to speak to us about resilience.
You did not have thatthought this morning.
(02:13):
In fact, within the last week, noneof you in this room have probably
used the word in a sentence.
We don't think about it.
It's a weird word.
Why would they bring me allthis way to talk about it?
Resilience.
Why does it matter?
Four questions.
Here they are.
They're very quick.
You'll hear them a few times.
Number one.
What is resilience?
Why would you want it?
Why is it hard to get?
And how do you get it?
(02:34):
We're going to hit fourquestions really fast while
simultaneously watching the time.
We'll What is resilience?
Why would you want it?
Why is it much harder to get?
Because there are reasons it's reallyhard for you to get at the moment.
We'll touch on them briefly.
Because that's a threat.
You would want to know why it's hard.
You would want to know why hugenumbers of people are not resilient.
I'll explain that to you, and finally,the best part would just be, I'm
(02:57):
going to show you how to do it.
Can't make you do it, but you'llnever be able to say, No one ever
told me how to get more resilient.
Okay, it's up to you what you do with it.
So friends, first question,what is resilience?
I'm going to give you two definitions.
Number one is a scientific definition.
When I first started teaching this, Iwas like, I better give the people a good
definition because it's abstract, right?
It's abstract.
It's like, it's a weird, fuzzy term.
(03:18):
So I give you a good definition,and there's one we give
you straight from science.
So it's actually a scientific term.
Listen to it.
This is as complex as I'll get today.
The capability of a strained bodyor object to recover its size and
shape after deformation, especiallycaused by compressive stress.
(03:40):
What does it mean?
You take an object, example likethis, that's not compressive
stress, we're expanding it, but youunderstand that's being stressed,
right, we are stressing this object.
But when the stress diminishes,you will notice that it
returns to its previous shape.
Right?
If I took an egg, for example, andI held it here, and I was to let it
go, and I ask you the question, isan egg a resilient object or body?
(04:03):
You would find that gravity and theforce of the floor would prove to
you it's not a resilient object.
What is resilience?
The ability of something to get back toits former shape when it's under stress.
Now let me give you a simpler one.
If you missed the firstone, here's an easier one.
I describe it like this.
Our ability to recover.
Our ability, your ability,yours and yours alone.
(04:24):
Your ability to recover.
Now listen to this next part.
Or, get better.
I used to just say recover,but now I say get better.
When you face difficulty, suffering,adversity, problems, rejection, or stress.
Can you, if you get rejected, if youfail, if something goes wrong, can you
(04:49):
get back to where you were quickly?
Or do you disappear in self loathing andself rejection, or blame for the next
month while life just drifts past you?
Can you get back to where you werequickly when things don't go how you want?
And can you possibly even getbetter, because some people do.
But I'll be honest, mostpeople specialise in blame.
(05:10):
We'll talk about that in a minute.
Life doesn't go the way you want.
It's gotta be someone else's fault.
So let's find whose faultit is and blame them.
We'll touch on that towards the end.
Can you get back to where youwere when things are difficult
and can you even get better?
First question, what is resilience?
We've defined it.
Why would you want it?
Because friends, I'm sorry, butsuccessful people, how much success,
(05:31):
achieving whatever is significant to you.
If it's money, you do you.
If it's great relationships, you do you.
If it's global fame, you do you.
Whatever floats your boat, friends.
I don't know if youhave that saying, we do.
Whatever works for you,whatever matters to you.
Let me just tell you that people whodon't recover quickly from stress,
rejection, setback and failure don'tget what they want, they don't.
If you want things, youwill need to master this.
(05:52):
You will And I'm telling you because Iwas lousy at it for about three decades.
So I know what I'm talking about.
I want to teach it to you quickly.
What is resilience?
Your ability to recover or get strongerfrom setback, adversity, rejection.
Why do you want it?
Because if you want a successfullife, you're going to have to have it.
Three, why is it hardto get at the moment?
Concentrate.
It's a quick session.
Why is it hard to get?
(06:13):
Friends, for most of history, every oneof you would have woken up this morning.
For most of human history, we havebeen hominids for 4 million years.
We have been homo sapiensfor 350, 000 years.
The brain in your body, right now,has not changed in 350, 000 years.
You've adapted to dobasically three things.
Get up in the morning, find somethingto eat, find some shelter, and build
(06:34):
relationships to maintain your family.
That is what humans didfor almost 4 million years.
So the only things you had to worryabout were those three things.
Can I eat?
Can I stay out of a freezingenvironment, or a hot
environment, or don't get drowned?
And can I find someone to builda family with and just keep
my generations moving forward?
That's it.
Now that is not our life now.
The reason resilience is hard to getis because you face extraordinary
(06:56):
complexities from the moment you wake up.
Family, relationships, school,internet, tech, social, all of it.
So if it's hard to get, if younotice people cracking and caving
with anxiety, depression, self harm,eating, all that sort of stuff, it's
because we're living in an extremelycomplex world we're not adapted for.
So you're going to need to know somethings to be able to navigate that, right?
(07:17):
What is resilience?
To be able to get back or improve,get stronger under adversity,
setback, rejection and failure.
Why do you want it?
Because if you want a successful life,friends, you're going to need it.
And three, why is it hard to get?
Because you're living in anextremely complex world, And
that's the opening finish.
Let's finish this off.
Let me show you the fourth question.
How do you do it?
(07:38):
Let me teach you whatno one ever taught me.
Now concentrate.
You can hear the recording again, but Iwant you to get the first key principle.
If you want to become moreresilient, why would you want to?
Because life's difficult.
Some of you, seniors maybe,have lived long enough.
Some of you, even younger, have lived longenough for life to have been difficult.
Basically kick some sandin your face already.
(07:59):
There are people sitting in the roomwith a difficult family backgrounds,
all sorts of problems and issues.
Some of you have had a pretty clear run.
So you've got tounderstand how to do this.
First key principle.
I want to teach you about themost important space in the world.
If you understand what I'm aboutto teach you and you can hold onto
this, it can, I promise, Be verytransformative for the rest of your life.
(08:22):
What is the most importantspace in the world?
And so I'm gonna teach it.
I'm gonna give you three words.
I change them sometimes.
What did I use this morning?
Alright.
There is a space between two things.
Reality.
What does that mean?
You're going, I haveno idea what you mean.
Let me explain it again.
There is a space betweenreality itself and a result.
(08:43):
What do I mean?
What is reality?
Reality is whatever happens to you.
Reality is whatever isliterally happening to you.
The result is how you feel aboutwhat happens to you, whether you get
depressed, whether you get excited,whether you get resilient and positive.
That's the result, but there'ssome, there's a space in between.
And that's the mostimportant space in the world.
What is it?
It's the story.
(09:03):
What's the story?
The story you tell yourselfabout what just happened.
Give you a simple example.
Let's say you're working reallyhard to get a particular grade, on a
particular test it's important to you.
You get a C That is reality.
Maybe you got a D.
That's a reality.
That is what has objectively happened.
What is the result?
Well, any possible results,you can have whatever you want.
You might feel depressed, you mightfeel miserable, you might blame your
(09:26):
teacher, you might blame your parents,you might blame the government,
you might blame the climate.
Whatever.
But friends, what you missed was theminute that thing landed on your desk, you
didn't even know you did the next thing.
It's happening so fast, which is what?
You told yourself a story, andit was happening so quick you
didn't even know it was happening.
Lands on your desk, CThere are multiple stories.
(09:49):
Here's one.
I'm an idiot.
I'll never achieve anything.
I got this because I'm dumb.
And I've always been dumb.
And this just proves to me I'm dumb.
And instantly you get the result.
What do you feel?
You feel depressed.
You feel you're nevergoing to get anywhere.
But there is a different story.
A story like, that's surprising,I just didn't do enough.
I've got to figure outhow to do it better.
(10:11):
So the space between the realityand the result is the story.
And the person in control of thestory will always and everywhere be
So when I was a senior, I was in avery elite sporting school, right?
And for two years I was focused on makingthe highest elite rugby team we had.
And it was the only thing that mattered.
(10:31):
It was the biggest thing for everybody.
And I gave two years of my life to that.
And there came a moment whenthey released a squad that was
travelling, and I didn't make that.
Reality, right?
That's the reality.
And then there's a story.
And what was the story?
The story's really simple.
I told myself, You're a loser.
You'll never make that.
(10:52):
And I hated myself for it.
And I felt depressed, andI withdrew into myself.
And years later, I suddenly went,Actually, what actually happened was
I learned how to push really hard.
I learned how to work.
I learned how I didn't know at thetime, I told myself the wrong story.
But let me give you one more quickly,because this is the most important
part, most important space in the world.
(11:14):
The space between the reality in yourlife, results in your life, and the
story you tell yourself in between.
In the Second World War,some of you would know this.
In the early 1940s, the Nazisimprisoned millions of people in a
massive concentration camp system.
Most, some of you would know the story,sadly some of you may have forgotten it.
Millions of people died.
(11:35):
Starvation, torture, you'reprobably familiar with it.
There's one guy in therecalled Viktor Frankl.
He wrote an important book,you come and see me at the end,
I'll tell you what the book was.
While millions of peopleare being gassed to death,
he survives.
(11:56):
He comes out the other side, he sitsin a farmhouse ten days after being
freed, and he's, for two weeks andthe book basically says there were two
kinds of people in there and only two.
The vast majority of people got imprisonedand instantly told themselves a story,
this is the worst thing ever, this isthe worst suffering, I'm going to die,
this is terrible, and they did die.
(12:18):
And he said there was a tiny othergroup of people, it was incredibly
small, who said I will find a meaningin this, it's happening for a reason.
For him, he said I am going tosurvive this, I will survive it,
because I'm going to tell theentire world what happened here.
I'm going to tell him exactlywhat I witnessed and what I saw.
He found a reason.
Reality was, he was in exactly the samereality, but he found a different story.
(12:40):
Friends, that is the most importantspace in the world, so try this.
If all that's too complex, just try this.
You have got to get really good,really fast at mastering your internal
dialogue, your internal conversation.
When something happens, you get rejected,you like someone, they don't like you.
Whatever happens, whatever things happento you, if you do not get really good
at listening to what you are saying toyourself and choosing a better story.
(13:03):
You're going to be in trouble.
So master that internaldialogue as quickly as possible.
That's two down.
The next ones are really simple.
You ready?
Get around good people.
It's up to you what you want todo, but I've lived long enough to
know that if you get around goodpeople, what are good people?
People who want some ofthe same things you want.
People who care aboutyou and want you to win.
(13:24):
If you want to be more resilient,you want to be around the kind
of people that say to you, yeah,that's a bad result, but you're
capable of this, you're really good.
Because you can be just as easyaround people who are going to say.
Don't worry about it.
It doesn't matter.
It's not important because theyneed to keep you where they are.
Your choice!
But even on this trip in America, we'vebeen here for a month, through San
(13:45):
Francisco, Detroit, Florida, here, I'vebeen around some phenomenal people.
Interesting, passionate,successful people.
And it just makes me better.
It just makes me go, this isgreat, you're interesting.
I want to do more of what you're doing.
So get around good people.
Number one, master the mostimportant space in the world.
Reality, story, result.
Two, get around good people.
(14:06):
Think now, are the people you'respending most of your time with,
Helping you to really grow andbecome who God's made you to be.
I don't know.
I don't know you.
I'm not going to get to know you,unfortunately, the way, you know,
that would help me to figure that out.
You, you have to answer that.
But you do get a vote.
Time, we're good.
(14:26):
This is my favourite.
I swear this is my favourite.
Number four.
Friends, I'm going to give you two words.
If you can do these two words,you're going to be so far
ahead of most of the planet.
Now listen carefully.
It's just two words.
Stop
blaming.
Concentrate.
Some of you terrible thingsmay have happened to you.
(14:48):
I'm not talking about bullying or abuse.
Those things need to bereported and dealt with.
But what most humans are doing most ofthe time, if life is not the way you want
it, you will look around and try and findsomeone to blame for what's happening.
You can blame your parents.
You can blame your teachers.
You can blame anyone you want.
Now concentrate.
Half a million people aroundthe world in live events.
Detroit the other day, 3,000 people in the room.
(15:10):
I get a line of peoplewho want to talk to me.
Here's what happens over andover again all around the world.
Somebody will come up to me and they willtell me a story that is heartbreaking.
They will tell me a true storyabout suffering, or hardship,
or pain, or childhood trauma.
And I do two things, andI only ever do two things.
First thing, I listen, I listencompassionately, intently.
(15:33):
Respecting their dignity as human persons.
I listen very carefully, I empathize withtheir story, and I tell them I get it.
And then I do the next thing, andlisten to the next three words.
After hearing their story carefully,I say three very important words.
Listen to them.
And, now what?
(15:57):
And now what?
What happened to you is true.
Dude, it's terrible.
I, I agree for you.
I think what happened to you was awful.
But you've still got to live.
So friends, I've got to do thiscarefully because if you hear me
wrong you think I'm saying it doesn'tmatter what happens to you in life.
Yeah, it does.
We get wounded, we get hurt,bad people do bad things.
But try and understand this, theminute you're in blame, listen, the
(16:18):
minute you are in blame, you aresurrendering your power to someone else.
You really are, because you aremaking somebody else responsible
for your experience of life.
So, the small percentage of people whowill get resilient and successful, you
have got to start, just start from now.
Take a radicalresponsibility for your life.
(16:40):
Don't blame anyone.
Please, stop blaming.
Master the smallest space in the world.
Reality, story, result.
Get around good people.
Stop blaming.
Stop it.
Just don't do it again.
We live in a culture everywherethat just maximizes it.
Turn on your television, internet forfive seconds, it's someone else's fault.
Probably.
And now what?
Okay?
Almost done.
(17:01):
I didn't want to do thisone, but I gotta do it.
I'm not going down the rabbit holewith it, but I do offer you this.
If you want to be resilient, ifyou want to be in the smaller
percentage of truly happy, successfulpeople, I will give you an opinion.
That's all it is.
It's tech is not your friend.
This is not the speech about don'tuse your phones, but I will just
say to you, tech is not your friend.
Social media, best I can tell girls,is, it's unlikely you come off the
(17:22):
back of ten years of social media.
You're completely comfortable withyour body and your place in the world
and how you feel about yourself.
I'm not your parents.
I don't know.
But I know what the research says,because I got two postgraduate degrees,
two master's degrees, and I'm yet tosee a research study that says social
media is helping people to flourishin life and get more resilient.
Good luck finding one.
I'm just telling you, if you want tobe resilient, I would be super careful.
(17:44):
about how much you're using,what you're accessing, and
how much of your life it owns.
Up to you.
But it's not your friend, it'snot going to help you flourish.
I'm really disciplined, I'm superdisciplined, even how much I read
it, when I read it, when I use it.
On the other side of that, you wantto get more resilient, increase
your activity, sleep and exercise.
I know you hate that speech.
I'm not going to do it in any detail.
(18:06):
But I spoke to a guy a coupleof years ago in a public school.
He's a senior in a publicschool, tough school.
I said, hey, you look really tired today.
And he said, yeah.
He goes, oh, I set up late.
I said, how late?
And he goes, well, I've gota big flat screen in my room.
And this guy just watches like extremehorror films every night till 2 a.
m.
And he's like, why am I, whyam I like not my best self?
So you do you, I just offer that ifyou want to be resilient, you want
(18:31):
to be successful, you're going tohave a much better chance if you
get enough rest, exercise and sleep.
Almost done.
Okay, three to go really quickly.
Here's one of my personal favourites.
Do hard.
You want to be resilient?
It's literally a muscle.
You, you, like, seriously,you increase it by doing what?
Hard things.
I run ultra marathons.
(18:52):
I got a 109K run I'm supposedto do when I get back.
And I did a training run theother day, 30K training run.
Had to get up at 3.
30 in the morning to do it.
I blew both calf muscles,uh, calf muscles 5K in.
It's too far to go back, soI just want to keep going.
I'm not telling you to do that,but for the last 30 years, I've
just done a lot of hard things.
If you want to be resilient, ask yourselfthe question, in the last week, in the
(19:13):
last month, in the last year, what haveyou done that has been genuinely hard?
Something that was scary, somethingthat was difficult, something
that forced you to really grow.
If you're not doing hard things,it is a muscle, and if you don't
want to stretch it or strainit, it's not going to improve.
Do hard things.
Friends, pray for grace.
(19:37):
You want to get more resilient?
Pray for it.
Get up in the morning and just askGod, say, help me to be more resilient.
Help me to take what you've givenme and make something of it.
Pray for it.
I pray for it every day in different ways.
Ask God to give you what you need.
Pray to become a one percenter.
I'm no one's judge.
I don't want to tell you that God lovesanyone more or less because he doesn't.
But it's up to you whetheryou want to get into a certain
(19:57):
percentage of reality or not.
It's up to you.
But you've got to do hard things andyou've got to ask for grace to do it.
Last point, we're finished.
Uh, you're going to fail at times,
but you have to get upand keep moving forward.
(20:18):
The next test you fail, the nextrelationship that's not what you want it
to be, the next circumstance that isn'tyour preference, you've got options.
Blame, depression, whatever.
Or you can get up and keep moving forward.
Summary friends, the big if.
If there was something thatyou could learn that would
move you forward, what is it?
(20:39):
Well, resilience is a big part of it.
What is it?
Your ability to get back into shapeor even better after dealing with
rejection, hardship and adversity.
Why would you want it?
Because it's the price.
Do you understand things cost things?
Like there's prices for things.
The price of an extraordinary life isbasically being not like other people.
You've got to be different.
You have to be more resilient.
(20:59):
You have to know what you want andstay on track and keep going and
keep getting up when it's difficult.
Or you can blame people and quit.
That's up to you.
Isn't that incredible freedom?
You have that freedom.
Like, 30, 40 years time, webring you back, your life will
kind of be that story, right?
Some of you will have suffered and haddifficult things and just kept going, and
some of you will be still blaming people.
Just choose which group you want to be in.
(21:20):
Ask God for grace, and keepgetting up when it's difficult.
I'm done.
Turn to the person next to you,and just look them in the eye,
and say, get up, and keep walking.
Thank you friends, God bless.
Well, hey there, Jonathan Doyle with you here.
Thanks so much for taking a momentto listen to this very short video.
Audio live recording from a recentsession I did with a fantastic group
of young people here in Dallas, Texas.
I was asked to come in to speakto a few hundred students on the
issue of resilience, how we cangrow in resilience, why it matters.
(00:28):
We start with a great definition.
We go on to how resilience canhelp us to really flourish in life.
And then I want to provide a bunchof really practical strategies at
the end of how we can definitelydevelop resilience in our life.
All right, that's it for me.
At the end of this live recording, I'llpop back and give you some more details.
But for now, I hope this will be usefulto you, whether you're a parent, whether
(00:49):
a young person, I just hope that thismessage is going to help you realize
why we are capable of extraordinaryresilience, why it matters, And how
to go about making it a reality.
Sit back, relax, enjoy, I'llspeak to you again soon.
friends, you will forget most of what Isay, so whenever I'm presenting, I try
and give people what I call a throughline, which is something to remember.
(01:10):
I just call it the big if.
The big if wants you to remember thatif there was something that I could
teach you in the next 30 minutes.
If.
There was something that I couldteach you in the next 30 minutes
that would help you now, that wouldhelp you to flourish in the future,
because you do need to understandthere are very successful people in
the world who do particular things.
It is up to you if you find outwhat they do and do those things.
(01:31):
I can't make you do it.
I'll be gone on Thursday, but I'mgoing to show you what they are.
If I could show you that,would it be useful to you?
That's the big if question.
I'm going to show you something.
Would it be useful to you if youcould learn this inside 30 minutes?
We're going to record this, we'llgive you a recording of it, I'll
send you a PDF document with thehighlights, and if I get time, I'll
do a quick video to reinforce it.
(01:52):
But, here's what I want to offer you.
You heard Miss, uh, introducebefore she said we're going to
talk about a particular word.
I think when you heard that word, even ifyou heard it, your brain probably went,
Meh, like, I don't think anybody here wokeup this morning thinking to themselves,
If only Somebody would travel 10, 000miles to speak to us about resilience.
You did not have thatthought this morning.
(02:13):
In fact, within the last week, noneof you in this room have probably
used the word in a sentence.
We don't think about it.
It's a weird word.
Why would they bring me allthis way to talk about it?
Resilience.
Why does it matter?
Four questions.
Here they are.
They're very quick.
You'll hear them a few times.
Number one.
What is resilience?
Why would you want it?
Why is it hard to get?
And how do you get it?
(02:34):
We're going to hit fourquestions really fast while
simultaneously watching the time.
We'll What is resilience?
Why would you want it?
Why is it much harder to get?
Because there are reasons it's reallyhard for you to get at the moment.
We'll touch on them briefly.
Because that's a threat.
You would want to know why it's hard.
You would want to know why hugenumbers of people are not resilient.
I'll explain that to you, and finally,the best part would just be, I'm
(02:57):
going to show you how to do it.
Can't make you do it, but you'llnever be able to say, No one ever
told me how to get more resilient.
Okay, it's up to you what you do with it.
So friends, first question,what is resilience?
I'm going to give you two definitions.
Number one is a scientific definition.
When I first started teaching this, Iwas like, I better give the people a good
definition because it's abstract, right?
It's abstract.
It's like, it's a weird, fuzzy term.
(03:18):
So I give you a good definition,and there's one we give
you straight from science.
So it's actually a scientific term.
Listen to it.
This is as complex as I'll get today.
The capability of a strained bodyor object to recover its size and
shape after deformation, especiallycaused by compressive stress.
(03:40):
What does it mean?
You take an object, example likethis, that's not compressive
stress, we're expanding it, but youunderstand that's being stressed,
right, we are stressing this object.
But when the stress diminishes,you will notice that it
returns to its previous shape.
Right?
If I took an egg, for example, andI held it here, and I was to let it
go, and I ask you the question, isan egg a resilient object or body?
(04:03):
You would find that gravity and theforce of the floor would prove to
you it's not a resilient object.
What is resilience?
The ability of something to get back toits former shape when it's under stress.
Now let me give you a simpler one.
If you missed the firstone, here's an easier one.
I describe it like this.
Our ability to recover.
Our ability, your ability,yours and yours alone.
(04:24):
Your ability to recover.
Now listen to this next part.
Or, get better.
I used to just say recover,but now I say get better.
When you face difficulty, suffering,adversity, problems, rejection, or stress.
Can you, if you get rejected, if youfail, if something goes wrong, can you
(04:49):
get back to where you were quickly?
Or do you disappear in self loathing andself rejection, or blame for the next
month while life just drifts past you?
Can you get back to where you werequickly when things don't go how you want?
And can you possibly even getbetter, because some people do.
But I'll be honest, mostpeople specialise in blame.
(05:10):
We'll talk about that in a minute.
Life doesn't go the way you want.
It's gotta be someone else's fault.
So let's find whose faultit is and blame them.
We'll touch on that towards the end.
Can you get back to where youwere when things are difficult
and can you even get better?
First question, what is resilience?
We've defined it.
Why would you want it?
Because friends, I'm sorry, butsuccessful people, how much success,
(05:31):
achieving whatever is significant to you.
If it's money, you do you.
If it's great relationships, you do you.
If it's global fame, you do you.
Whatever floats your boat, friends.
I don't know if youhave that saying, we do.
Whatever works for you,whatever matters to you.
Let me just tell you that people whodon't recover quickly from stress,
rejection, setback and failure don'tget what they want, they don't.
If you want things, youwill need to master this.
(05:52):
You will And I'm telling you because Iwas lousy at it for about three decades.
So I know what I'm talking about.
I want to teach it to you quickly.
What is resilience?
Your ability to recover or get strongerfrom setback, adversity, rejection.
Why do you want it?
Because if you want a successfullife, you're going to have to have it.
Three, why is it hardto get at the moment?
Concentrate.
It's a quick session.
Why is it hard to get?
(06:13):
Friends, for most of history, every oneof you would have woken up this morning.
For most of human history, we havebeen hominids for 4 million years.
We have been homo sapiensfor 350, 000 years.
The brain in your body, right now,has not changed in 350, 000 years.
You've adapted to dobasically three things.
Get up in the morning, find somethingto eat, find some shelter, and build
(06:34):
relationships to maintain your family.
That is what humans didfor almost 4 million years.
So the only things you had to worryabout were those three things.
Can I eat?
Can I stay out of a freezingenvironment, or a hot
environment, or don't get drowned?
And can I find someone to builda family with and just keep
my generations moving forward?
That's it.
Now that is not our life now.
The reason resilience is hard to getis because you face extraordinary
(06:56):
complexities from the moment you wake up.
Family, relationships, school,internet, tech, social, all of it.
So if it's hard to get, if younotice people cracking and caving
with anxiety, depression, self harm,eating, all that sort of stuff, it's
because we're living in an extremelycomplex world we're not adapted for.
So you're going to need to know somethings to be able to navigate that, right?
(07:17):
What is resilience?
To be able to get back or improve,get stronger under adversity,
setback, rejection and failure.
Why do you want it?
Because if you want a successful life,friends, you're going to need it.
And three, why is it hard to get?
Because you're living in anextremely complex world, And
that's the opening finish.
Let's finish this off.
Let me show you the fourth question.
How do you do it?
(07:38):
Let me teach you whatno one ever taught me.
Now concentrate.
You can hear the recording again, but Iwant you to get the first key principle.
If you want to become moreresilient, why would you want to?
Because life's difficult.
Some of you, seniors maybe,have lived long enough.
Some of you, even younger, have lived longenough for life to have been difficult.
Basically kick some sandin your face already.
(07:59):
There are people sitting in the roomwith a difficult family backgrounds,
all sorts of problems and issues.
Some of you have had a pretty clear run.
So you've got tounderstand how to do this.
First key principle.
I want to teach you about themost important space in the world.
If you understand what I'm aboutto teach you and you can hold onto
this, it can, I promise, Be verytransformative for the rest of your life.
(08:22):
What is the most importantspace in the world?
And so I'm gonna teach it.
I'm gonna give you three words.
I change them sometimes.
What did I use this morning?
Alright.
There is a space between two things.
Reality.
What does that mean?
You're going, I haveno idea what you mean.
Let me explain it again.
There is a space betweenreality itself and a result.
(08:43):
What do I mean?
What is reality?
Reality is whatever happens to you.
Reality is whatever isliterally happening to you.
The result is how you feel aboutwhat happens to you, whether you get
depressed, whether you get excited,whether you get resilient and positive.
That's the result, but there'ssome, there's a space in between.
And that's the mostimportant space in the world.
What is it?
It's the story.
(09:03):
What's the story?
The story you tell yourselfabout what just happened.
Give you a simple example.
Let's say you're working reallyhard to get a particular grade, on a
particular test it's important to you.
You get a C That is reality.
Maybe you got a D.
That's a reality.
That is what has objectively happened.
What is the result?
Well, any possible results,you can have whatever you want.
You might feel depressed, you mightfeel miserable, you might blame your
(09:26):
teacher, you might blame your parents,you might blame the government,
you might blame the climate.
Whatever.
But friends, what you missed was theminute that thing landed on your desk, you
didn't even know you did the next thing.
It's happening so fast, which is what?
You told yourself a story, andit was happening so quick you
didn't even know it was happening.
Lands on your desk, CThere are multiple stories.
(09:49):
Here's one.
I'm an idiot.
I'll never achieve anything.
I got this because I'm dumb.
And I've always been dumb.
And this just proves to me I'm dumb.
And instantly you get the result.
What do you feel?
You feel depressed.
You feel you're nevergoing to get anywhere.
But there is a different story.
A story like, that's surprising,I just didn't do enough.
I've got to figure outhow to do it better.
(10:11):
So the space between the realityand the result is the story.
And the person in control of thestory will always and everywhere be
So when I was a senior, I was in avery elite sporting school, right?
And for two years I was focused on makingthe highest elite rugby team we had.
And it was the only thing that mattered.
(10:31):
It was the biggest thing for everybody.
And I gave two years of my life to that.
And there came a moment whenthey released a squad that was
travelling, and I didn't make that.
Reality, right?
That's the reality.
And then there's a story.
And what was the story?
The story's really simple.
I told myself, You're a loser.
You'll never make that.
(10:52):
And I hated myself for it.
And I felt depressed, andI withdrew into myself.
And years later, I suddenly went,Actually, what actually happened was
I learned how to push really hard.
I learned how to work.
I learned how I didn't know at thetime, I told myself the wrong story.
But let me give you one more quickly,because this is the most important
part, most important space in the world.
(11:14):
The space between the reality in yourlife, results in your life, and the
story you tell yourself in between.
In the Second World War,some of you would know this.
In the early 1940s, the Nazisimprisoned millions of people in a
massive concentration camp system.
Most, some of you would know the story,sadly some of you may have forgotten it.
Millions of people died.
(11:35):
Starvation, torture, you'reprobably familiar with it.
There's one guy in therecalled Viktor Frankl.
He wrote an important book,you come and see me at the end,
I'll tell you what the book was.
While millions of peopleare being gassed to death,
he survives.
(11:56):
He comes out the other side, he sitsin a farmhouse ten days after being
freed, and he's, for two weeks andthe book basically says there were two
kinds of people in there and only two.
The vast majority of people got imprisonedand instantly told themselves a story,
this is the worst thing ever, this isthe worst suffering, I'm going to die,
this is terrible, and they did die.
(12:18):
And he said there was a tiny othergroup of people, it was incredibly
small, who said I will find a meaningin this, it's happening for a reason.
For him, he said I am going tosurvive this, I will survive it,
because I'm going to tell theentire world what happened here.
I'm going to tell him exactlywhat I witnessed and what I saw.
He found a reason.
Reality was, he was in exactly the samereality, but he found a different story.
(12:40):
Friends, that is the most importantspace in the world, so try this.
If all that's too complex, just try this.
You have got to get really good,really fast at mastering your internal
dialogue, your internal conversation.
When something happens, you get rejected,you like someone, they don't like you.
Whatever happens, whatever things happento you, if you do not get really good
at listening to what you are saying toyourself and choosing a better story.
(13:03):
You're going to be in trouble.
So master that internaldialogue as quickly as possible.
That's two down.
The next ones are really simple.
You ready?
Get around good people.
It's up to you what you want todo, but I've lived long enough to
know that if you get around goodpeople, what are good people?
People who want some ofthe same things you want.
People who care aboutyou and want you to win.
(13:24):
If you want to be more resilient,you want to be around the kind
of people that say to you, yeah,that's a bad result, but you're
capable of this, you're really good.
Because you can be just as easyaround people who are going to say.
Don't worry about it.
It doesn't matter.
It's not important because theyneed to keep you where they are.
Your choice!
But even on this trip in America, we'vebeen here for a month, through San
(13:45):
Francisco, Detroit, Florida, here, I'vebeen around some phenomenal people.
Interesting, passionate,successful people.
And it just makes me better.
It just makes me go, this isgreat, you're interesting.
I want to do more of what you're doing.
So get around good people.
Number one, master the mostimportant space in the world.
Reality, story, result.
Two, get around good people.
(14:06):
Think now, are the people you'respending most of your time with,
Helping you to really grow andbecome who God's made you to be.
I don't know.
I don't know you.
I'm not going to get to know you,unfortunately, the way, you know,
that would help me to figure that out.
You, you have to answer that.
But you do get a vote.
Time, we're good.
(14:26):
This is my favourite.
I swear this is my favourite.
Number four.
Friends, I'm going to give you two words.
If you can do these two words,you're going to be so far
ahead of most of the planet.
Now listen carefully.
It's just two words.
Stop
blaming.
Concentrate.
Some of you terrible thingsmay have happened to you.
(14:48):
I'm not talking about bullying or abuse.
Those things need to bereported and dealt with.
But what most humans are doing most ofthe time, if life is not the way you want
it, you will look around and try and findsomeone to blame for what's happening.
You can blame your parents.
You can blame your teachers.
You can blame anyone you want.
Now concentrate.
Half a million people aroundthe world in live events.
Detroit the other day, 3,000 people in the room.
(15:10):
I get a line of peoplewho want to talk to me.
Here's what happens over andover again all around the world.
Somebody will come up to me and they willtell me a story that is heartbreaking.
They will tell me a true storyabout suffering, or hardship,
or pain, or childhood trauma.
And I do two things, andI only ever do two things.
First thing, I listen, I listencompassionately, intently.
(15:33):
Respecting their dignity as human persons.
I listen very carefully, I empathize withtheir story, and I tell them I get it.
And then I do the next thing, andlisten to the next three words.
After hearing their story carefully,I say three very important words.
Listen to them.
And, now what?
(15:57):
And now what?
What happened to you is true.
Dude, it's terrible.
I, I agree for you.
I think what happened to you was awful.
But you've still got to live.
So friends, I've got to do thiscarefully because if you hear me
wrong you think I'm saying it doesn'tmatter what happens to you in life.
Yeah, it does.
We get wounded, we get hurt,bad people do bad things.
But try and understand this, theminute you're in blame, listen, the
(16:18):
minute you are in blame, you aresurrendering your power to someone else.
You really are, because you aremaking somebody else responsible
for your experience of life.
So, the small percentage of people whowill get resilient and successful, you
have got to start, just start from now.
Take a radicalresponsibility for your life.
(16:40):
Don't blame anyone.
Please, stop blaming.
Master the smallest space in the world.
Reality, story, result.
Get around good people.
Stop blaming.
Stop it.
Just don't do it again.
We live in a culture everywherethat just maximizes it.
Turn on your television, internet forfive seconds, it's someone else's fault.
Probably.
And now what?
Okay?
Almost done.
(17:01):
I didn't want to do thisone, but I gotta do it.
I'm not going down the rabbit holewith it, but I do offer you this.
If you want to be resilient, ifyou want to be in the smaller
percentage of truly happy, successfulpeople, I will give you an opinion.
That's all it is.
It's tech is not your friend.
This is not the speech about don'tuse your phones, but I will just
say to you, tech is not your friend.
Social media, best I can tell girls,is, it's unlikely you come off the
(17:22):
back of ten years of social media.
You're completely comfortable withyour body and your place in the world
and how you feel about yourself.
I'm not your parents.
I don't know.
But I know what the research says,because I got two postgraduate degrees,
two master's degrees, and I'm yet tosee a research study that says social
media is helping people to flourishin life and get more resilient.
Good luck finding one.
I'm just telling you, if you want tobe resilient, I would be super careful.
(17:44):
about how much you're using,what you're accessing, and
how much of your life it owns.
Up to you.
But it's not your friend, it'snot going to help you flourish.
I'm really disciplined, I'm superdisciplined, even how much I read
it, when I read it, when I use it.
On the other side of that, you wantto get more resilient, increase
your activity, sleep and exercise.
I know you hate that speech.
I'm not going to do it in any detail.
(18:06):
But I spoke to a guy a coupleof years ago in a public school.
He's a senior in a publicschool, tough school.
I said, hey, you look really tired today.
And he said, yeah.
He goes, oh, I set up late.
I said, how late?
And he goes, well, I've gota big flat screen in my room.
And this guy just watches like extremehorror films every night till 2 a.
m.
And he's like, why am I, whyam I like not my best self?
So you do you, I just offer that ifyou want to be resilient, you want
(18:31):
to be successful, you're going tohave a much better chance if you
get enough rest, exercise and sleep.
Almost done.
Okay, three to go really quickly.
Here's one of my personal favourites.
Do hard.
You want to be resilient?
It's literally a muscle.
You, you, like, seriously,you increase it by doing what?
Hard things.
I run ultra marathons.
(18:52):
I got a 109K run I'm supposedto do when I get back.
And I did a training run theother day, 30K training run.
Had to get up at 3.
30 in the morning to do it.
I blew both calf muscles,uh, calf muscles 5K in.
It's too far to go back, soI just want to keep going.
I'm not telling you to do that,but for the last 30 years, I've
just done a lot of hard things.
If you want to be resilient, ask yourselfthe question, in the last week, in the
(19:13):
last month, in the last year, what haveyou done that has been genuinely hard?
Something that was scary, somethingthat was difficult, something
that forced you to really grow.
If you're not doing hard things,it is a muscle, and if you don't
want to stretch it or strainit, it's not going to improve.
Do hard things.
Friends, pray for grace.
(19:37):
You want to get more resilient?
Pray for it.
Get up in the morning and just askGod, say, help me to be more resilient.
Help me to take what you've givenme and make something of it.
Pray for it.
I pray for it every day in different ways.
Ask God to give you what you need.
Pray to become a one percenter.
I'm no one's judge.
I don't want to tell you that God lovesanyone more or less because he doesn't.
But it's up to you whetheryou want to get into a certain
(19:57):
percentage of reality or not.
It's up to you.
But you've got to do hard things andyou've got to ask for grace to do it.
Last point, we're finished.
Uh, you're going to fail at times,
but you have to get upand keep moving forward.
(20:18):
The next test you fail, the nextrelationship that's not what you want it
to be, the next circumstance that isn'tyour preference, you've got options.
Blame, depression, whatever.
Or you can get up and keep moving forward.
Summary friends, the big if.
If there was something thatyou could learn that would
move you forward, what is it?
(20:39):
Well, resilience is a big part of it.
What is it?
Your ability to get back into shapeor even better after dealing with
rejection, hardship and adversity.
Why would you want it?
Because it's the price.
Do you understand things cost things?
Like there's prices for things.
The price of an extraordinary life isbasically being not like other people.
You've got to be different.
You have to be more resilient.
(20:59):
You have to know what you want andstay on track and keep going and
keep getting up when it's difficult.
Or you can blame people and quit.
That's up to you.
Isn't that incredible freedom?
You have that freedom.
Like, 30, 40 years time, webring you back, your life will
kind of be that story, right?
Some of you will have suffered and haddifficult things and just kept going, and
some of you will be still blaming people.
Just choose which group you want to be in.
(21:20):
Ask God for grace, and keepgetting up when it's difficult.
I'm done.
Turn to the person next to you,and just look them in the eye,
and say, get up, and keep walking.
Thank you friends, God bless.
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