July 11, 2024 • 41 mins
In this episode, Dennis and Amber discuss the pressures faced by modern women, especially moms. They explore the unrealistic expectations of perfectionism and introduce Amber’s “Supermom Assessment,” which helps women identify and overcome limiting beliefs. Amber shares personal insights and practical advice on finding self-worth and achieving a balanced life. Amber Shaw is a board-certified health & … Continue reading Amber Shaw; The Wellness Revolution – Episode 49
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Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
Welcome to the Dr law show with your
host, Divorce attorney, Dennis Vi,
talking divorce,
relationships and adding value to your life.
Now, here's your host, Dennis Foot toronto.
Welcome back at everyone to the Dr
law show. I'm your host divorce attorney, Dennis
fe toronto, and yet again, another really special
(00:25):
guest today. Amber Shaw is with us. Amber
Shaw is a board certified health and wellness
coach and personal development mentor helping moms, 35
plus thrive after divorce and other midlife interruptions.
As a motivational speaker, philanthropist and internationally recognize
recognized authority in the health and wellness industry,
featured on major media outlets like Nbc,
(00:46):
Fox, and Cbs, Amber coaches women all across
the world to heal and create the life
that they love.
As a nationally board certified health and wellness
coach certified personal trainer and host of the
wellness revolution podcast,
Amber is committed to empowering women
not just to settle, but to live their
best damn life. And by the way, I
(01:07):
love that, so much, Amber. Welcome, welcome, welcome
to the show we're so happy to have
you here today. Oh, my gosh. Thank you.
It's so good to see you again. Yeah.
It's good be back again. So listen,
we're gonna get the dish here. Right? Why
don't tell me a little bit about your
divorce and your journey throughout that process.
Yes. Yes. Yes. You know, I
(01:28):
sharing my story over the, you know, the
last 5 years. It's definitely been a
work in progress as my healing has progressed.
I've become more and more comfortable with with
sharing really some of the intimate details of
my divorce, and I I share so much
of that on,
on my social media platforms and it's really
(01:49):
just
because of my strong
just commitment and my desire to
help other women.
And I know my story too can help
men just from from some the, you know,
the the the kind of the the process
that I went through, but really just to
help other women, who were going through, who
are going through, maybe something similar like I
(02:10):
did. And so
you know, I was married to
a man that I had known since I
was 7 years old. We were very best
friends. We were not in high schools. We
get arts. I always get asked ask that
question.
But we... Where we grew up together
and really just very very close to you
absolutely and still is honestly,
1 of my very best friends. And we
(02:32):
had... We got married I run run run
right around the age of around 30,
and, you know, we had 2 kids,
and really in our thirties,
we're really doing kind of, I think what
a lot of couples if find themselves kind
of in that situation really in the first
7 to 8 years. Right? You get married.
You are a lot of times, you know,
(02:53):
couples are working. You have kid you're really
just in the t of it. Now our
situation was a little bit different to where
he is a a lit. He's an attorney,
and he
was, you know, working of the big firms,
and as a lit, he was traveling lies.
Gone about 6 months out of the year.
And, I mean, I can remember, you know,
(03:14):
he... 1 time he left when my son
was 4 weeks old and my daughter was
too and he left for, like, 8 weeks,
and I was just home by myself with
2 kids. And so this brought in A
a really a different dynamic,
but
I really just didn't... I didn't know what
I didn't know. And looking back, do I
see that perhaps there were a series of
(03:34):
disconnects in our relationship that led up to
ultimately us getting a divorce. Yes, for sure.
But back then,
you know, I just thought, well, this is
just how life is. Plus the fact. Like,
this is just how life is when you're
like, when you're just in the throws of
it. 2 working parents, 1 who travels you
have kids, blah, blah, plus the fact that
really
(03:55):
kind of I think,
camouflage things is that we were having sex
quite frequently.
And I think I know for me, I
kind of used that as like a litmus
tests because I didn't know what I didn't
know and I thought, oh, well, there's no
way we're we're having problems because we have
sex. Like, all the couples that have problems
They don't have sex for, you know, years
at a time, those are the ones that
(04:15):
get divorced. Well, we had a very healthy
sex life. And we had a lot of
fun together.
And... But all of this really came to
kind of a head when I was right
before I was getting ready to turn 40,
and he had just gotten back from a
trial.
And
and also, let me just also add this
in. We were having sex and we really
didn't fight. We did not really fight.
Which is also
(04:36):
interesting, but this also good like... Yeah. I
mean, we... Right. Like, there was so
now I later learned a lot about my
husband that he at ex husband that he
is a suppressor. He is a cop compartment
analyzer, and he is, I mean he just
shoved it down, shoved it down, shut it
down, which I do think a lot of
men
do not necessarily to their fault, but that's
(04:56):
kind of what society teaches men. You gotta
shove your feelings down. Right? And not not
express them. Not... Yeah. Not express your needs.
Not express. Want your jobs to go take
care of the family and that's it. So
I recognize recognized that a lot of that's
why a lot of men struggle with that.
But
how this all kinda came to a head
was just 1 night. It was on a
date and night I like, no shit on
a date night and he just literally like,
(05:18):
I think it was we've had a few
drinks and we're having a good time and
nice dinner on a summer night, and he
literally just looked at me across the table.
Out of the freaking blue and said,
I'm unhappy and I think I should move
out.
And I mean,
what
in the actual
hell. I will tell you that from there,
like, in his mind, he was already, like
(05:39):
ready to move out. Like, he because he
he had been ready to move out for
a long time, but just never told me.
Right. And so
we... I was the 1 that really convinced
him to do their to, you know, start
therapy in anyways long story short. We tried
therapy for about a year and a half.
I went to my own therapy.
We started doing couples therapy.
And
(05:59):
some things came to light during that year
and a half that we just... We really
couldn't recover from. And
I
I finally made the decision. I'm the 1
that made the decision to to divorce him
actually.
And and that's sort of how all of
that came about, and it just it changed
the trajectory much like any divorce says that
(06:20):
it really radically changed the trajectory of my
life.
Now you guys had 2 kids at that
point? Yeah. 2 kids we had. So I'm
like, like, 8 and 6 maybe at that
point. Yeah. 7 and... Yeah. 7 and 5,
maybe.
Yeah So so you know you're in it
at that point. Now now you know, okay.
This is happening. This isn't just like, we're
we're having a conversation. It might happen. We're
(06:41):
doing therapy in a minute. Like, you're in
it. Yeah. What what sort of like?
Because I feel like so many clients and
I don't wanna say especially ladies, but I
but I feel like there there's such a...
They're so devastated and not necessarily
by the fact that the relationship is ending
(07:03):
her say in and of itself. But because
of all the little things that come along
with that all little stress over. Responsibilities.
Like, I mean, what are you feeling at
that point? I mean... Because I see so
many women are, like, this is an end?
No, my gosh. I know. Well, I will
say it was kind of like a progression.
I would say during that year and a
half, I was definitely in, like,
(07:23):
hyper fix it mode. Like, I I mean,
honestly, that period of my life, I I
thought I was going bats shit crazy to
be honest with you because I was so
out side of myself, like, so in this
hyper
state of this reactive state of just trying
to, like, you know, I feel like, you,
like it or, like, a duck pad underwater,
Like, trying to scrape up a wall like
I was trying so hard
(07:44):
to to put it back together. I would
say though
that, you know, kind of when I realized
though, like, when I actually went and filed
for divorce. Now I'm like, okay. Well, this
is now happening.
Right.
You know, I think for me, like,
It was never... I don't know. Maybe this
is just like the way I was raised
or my dad... Like, I... Like, I was
(08:05):
never... It was never an option. For it
to be, like, okay. My life is over.
Like, did I have this sadness of course,
of, like,
Deep deep grieving of the life I thought
was mine and was I scared as hell
and was I was afraid and what was
that? And all of these things, yes, of
course.
But I just had this, like, just like,
(08:27):
just as deep and knowing that, like, no,
this is not gonna take me to Like,
this is not,
this is not the end of me.
And so I...
And I think I was talking to somebody
about this the other day in a podcast,
and I think
I think
my father died when I was 32, and
I was very, very close to my father,
and I was struggling very hard during that
(08:48):
period
to make sense of it. It And 1
of the things that, like, made... And And
so what came along with that, I was
so desperate to find, like, the purpose and
all of that pain
Yeah. And
that same kind of mindset and mentality really
followed me into when I was getting going
through a divorce. I just...
(09:08):
Refused to believe that, like, this was the
end of me. I refused to believe that,
like, you know, that that this was all
in vain that there wasn't some
you know, and maybe it's my spirituality. My
faith. Don't. I just had to believe that
there was something...
The something was going to come of this,
and I didn't understand it. And I didn't
have all the answers,
(09:30):
but I just... Yeah. I don't know. I
just... I I refuse to let it take
me down.
And it's funny because a lot of what
I try to do on this show is
talk to
experts such as yourself, who actually have been
in it. Yeah. Who've been in it looking,
you know, looking out. Right? Yeah.
But every 1 of them I talk to.
I asked some of these questions that Are
(09:50):
like, yeah. Was head of the curve.
Was ahead of the curve. And I and
I look at your situation I, you're you're
ahead of the curve. You're definitely ahead of
the curve.
But
you know, for the people who are... At
the curve. Yeah. Like, how do we get
them to see? Because I find that's 1
of the most difficult things in as many
videos and everything as I've done It's 1
of the most difficult things that get people
(10:10):
to see. This is, like, so glass half
full. Right? This is not an end. Yeah.
This is a beginning. How do we... Know,
what can we do to get the shift
there. Right? Yeah. Yeah. That's a great question.
And I'm gonna tell you, like...
And I think this is what got me...
Like, I don't know that I was born
ahead of the curve. I think what got
me there is just experiencing things and trying
(10:32):
to be a little bit more proactive
about...
Changing my situation and what how I how
I did that and this is what advice
that I would give somebody who's listening to
this who's, like, oh my god. I am
feeling like my life's over. I don't know
what to do. I feel very stuck, and
I can tell you it's quite simple.
The very first and most important and just
most critical thing that you can do to
(10:53):
get yourself to to see what's possible to
move out of that space to move forward,
honest to God, it's to simply get for
quiet
with
yourself.
It is seriously to get intentional
with carving out time
to reconnecting
with
yourself and because in those moments of stillness
(11:17):
in those moments of quiet better is where
the clarity
comps. Yeah. And it's also about support it's
also about creating
a support network
Right? Like, leaning into people, you know, that
that support you, but then also,
and this is why, you know, 1 of
the very first steps I take. Clients through
(11:37):
is a process of, like, just really starting
to tap into, like, what are your passions?
Like, what light you... What makes you happy
Like, what brings joy
into your life because my whole goal for
all of that. My whole goal for somebody
telling somebody, you know, inviting somebody to get
quiet. To find a support network to do
things that light them up. It's really so
(11:59):
that they can start operating from a place
of clarity
and strength and start to... They start to
show up for themselves. They start to believe
what's possible as opposed to just staying in
this emotional state of fear of anxiety of
of just being stuck. Right? I mean, it's
really about kind of turning... Mean, I I
(12:20):
think a simpler way to put it is
it's about turning the attention back on you.
Like, how you take your bauer power back.
I how you get your power back is
start focusing on you and what you want.
Yeah. And it's funny because I feel like...
People lose their sense of self, Like like
(12:40):
on average,
they lose their sense of self, so much.
Yeah. Their wants, their dislikes, their passion, their
drive, what what what gets them going. Much
They almost... I think part of the reason
why it seems so hopeless is because they've
forgotten all of those things. Yes.
They've forgotten all those things. And and you
need that support. Work. Right? You absolutely need
(13:01):
that support network network. But I found interesting,
you know, I have something here where your
therapist told you a few things when you
were going through a sync If you lean
in this setback will be a setup for
your comeback.
The only way to move forwarding, create the
life you love is to start leaning into
the things that light you up
(13:22):
and that give you fulfillment. And I think
in a way in the quiet aren't you
in some ways leaning into
the actual... What's happening?
Like, even like like, leaning into what's actually
happening in digesting it? Abs so freaking.
I mean, it's... That's... So, you know, getting
quiet for yourself. It's with yourself. It's not
just about, you know, being able to tap
(13:43):
into what you want. Connect to what I
I would call your higher yourself or kind
of like your intuition yourself, but it's also
giving sale yourself the space
to move through the crack,
to actually, like, feel and process
the grief.
You know, when I was going through my
divorce and I was really trying to, like,
turn the attention back on me just to,
like, try and I... The reason why that
(14:05):
was so powerful for me too is because
anyone going through divorce,
it can feel very out of control. Turn
And and for me, it was, like, being
able to, like, just sit with myself and
and, like, just be with my own thoughts
and feelings for a minute. When all of
my feelings and thoughts and emotions were, like,
freaking, I felt like I was crazy half
the time. It just allowed me to, like,
just get... Have, like, just a minute where
I felt a little bit in.
(14:27):
Control. Right But, yeah. But I was just
gonna say, like, you know, when you are
you know, when you are when you have
those moments of quiet, though, it is about
you can simply ask yourself. Like, how, I
and I would. I would say, like,
how are you doing today? Like I was
talking to myself the mirror. How are you
doing today? And at first, I'd be, like.
I'm fine because that's how we posture in
(14:48):
society. That's what we say. They'd be like,
Be. I'd be like, I was talking to
myself. No. Really. How are you doing?
I'm fine. No. The thirteenth. No really, girl.
How you doing today?
Yeah. I'm not good. I'm not good. Yeah.
Like, this is actually, and I would allow
myself.
I would allow myself to just go there
and go there and be real with myself
because you can't be real with yourself on
(15:09):
how you're feeling who the hell else can
you be real with. Right? Yeah. And so
it was like, just getting in the habit,
Of showing up for myself getting real with
myself and just allowing myself to move through
it. I mean, that with for me was
really where a lot of my power came
from. You country music fan?
Yes.
Okay. So so I'm a big country music
fan. And I love 1 of the newest
songs by jelly role. Like about like, mental
(15:30):
health issues and stuff like that. And I
just did a piece, kind of inspired by
that in part. And it's basically,
it's okay to not be okay. Yes.
Yes.
We've we put so much pressure. I gotta
be perfect. I've gotta get through this. I
gotta be strong. It's okay. Yes. For a
minute for a day for a week for
a month to say. It's okay. Saying to
yourself. I'm not okay right now. Well, and
(15:51):
the other thing too is if somebody has
kids, you spend so much time like I
know for me as a single mom. You
spend so much time post like you are
okay trying to be okay for them. You've
got to allow yourself some space to not
be
okay.
To not be okay, and that is okay,
but you have to you have to allow
that for sure. So how do you think
(16:13):
the kids kinda like, add complicating factors so,
like, trying to get yourself to see that
horizon. Right?
Gosh. That's a really, really... That, you know,
that's that's a tough 1. But I will
say, yes. I mean,
kids obviously add a whole other element
to this. And you know, when I get
asked a lot, like,
do you think you failed your kids and
(16:35):
You know, I never looked at it like
that because the thing is is that I
knew that I did everything
I could to save that marriage. And I
knew
that I would be failing my kids even
more if I stayed in a marriage that
wasn't modeling a what a healthy
relationship looks like.
And so for me, it was, you know,
(16:56):
yes. In a perfect world will be say
together until until we die and the kids
grow up and what is that the picture
perfect family that I thought I was getting
when I got married. Sure. But that's not
always the way that it ends up. And
so for me, I... And so
with that commitment in mind, I knew that,
like, when I got divorced,
it was... My priorities were shifting. It was
(17:17):
no longer obviously trying to,
Create a healthy relationship with my husband for
my children. It was now... I'm am going
to do every and save the marriage. It
was now... Okay. This is happening.
I my focus had shifted to. I'm going
to do everything
I can to show my kids what a
healthy c parenting situation looks like.
And and how and how that
(17:39):
can... What that can look like.
Because this is my new reality, And this
this... These are the choices or, you know,
this this is what it looks like at
this point.
Yeah. And I mean,
but the listeners out there, pay close attention
to to the past. Like, say, minute and
a half of of what Amber was talking
about because I think
it is so important that if you know
(18:01):
the relationship has f, shirt. It's failed, and
it's irr
irr,
and you can't fix it.
You think you're helping your kids by staying
in an unhealthy
relationship. But at the end of the day,
you are not, and there are so many
people who've been through it including professionals who
will tell you, you're absolutely not. Modeling what
(18:23):
a healthy relationship should look like,
between 2 parents and
what a healthy c parenting
situation should look like, mh is what your
kids need to see? Yes.
Yeah. Hope. That's that's actually doing the work.
As a good parent. That's what a good
parent does. That's what they want their kids
to say.
(18:43):
So... Yeah. Absolutely. And I think that, you
know, for me, it it was just I...
It was such that that right there that
piece of it was so much of my
motivator
to work through. The anger and to work
through the resentment and all of these in
the fear and all of that because I
I couldn't let my kids see that. I
(19:04):
needed to push through that set that aside
and and put them first. And that's how
My ex husband and I operate. I mean,
that's that's just it.
Yep. But that's healthy, and that works. And
not everybody... We're our not every couple is
able to manage that, but it's a good
example to set. I love the symbolism.
Of your describing,
(19:25):
my husband used... My ex husband used to
get me purses.
U. And
I always associated those purses as gifts, that
was my security.
Yeah. And then as you go through the
process, you're like,
I made my own money prior to the
marriage to fill that purse. I make my
own money during, and I will after. You
know, how did you like How does you
(19:46):
have that confidence. I I love the symbolism
there by the way.
Well, it's just... You know, so to give
the listeners a little bit of context. So.
Yeah. So my...
X has been his, you know, his...
Was it... He was a big gift give.
And so he would always buy me, like,
really lavish gifts. And so 1 of those
things, and And I listen. I love nice
things too, but I'm just... I've never been
(20:08):
the kind of person to go walk into
the Louis vuitton store and like buy bag
for myself. All of my really nice bags
came from my husband.
And 1 night I was, like, we were
separated and I was clearing out my,
my closet, and I just had this, like
moment of, like... Utter, like,
just, like, fear and sadness and pit my
myself, and I was like,
who's gonna... I'm not gonna have anybody to
(20:29):
buy the bags for me and then it
was like, And I realized like, at somebody
listening this, and it I had nothing to
do with the bags. We've you ever gone
through divorce or you're in the middle of
that you know you can have those micro
moments that when you say out loud They
sound ridiculous. But in the moment, they're very
real because what I know from doing the
work is that, yeah, what that bag represented
to me was... A symbol of love. Right?
(20:50):
Because it was given to me from my
partner as a gift. Right? So that's an
act love. It was also like a represented
this security and safety of this
lifestyle that I was accustomed to. And so
what that was picking on was obviously some
of my insecurities about now being on my
own and and not having that safety net
(21:11):
of a second income,
and a lot of fear around that,
Right? And and really, I had to have
like, a freaking come to Jesus with myself,
which was
girl like, Yeah. You... You... What what are
you doing? This is when, like, my my
25 year old self would always, like, show
up. Right? And she always by girl. What
are you do? And, like, you made your
(21:32):
money before you were married. Yeah. You made
your money, while you were married and girl,
you will make money after married and so
you know what I did. As I went
out and I bought my first louis vuitton
bag. And in that video, that's me unboxing
it because I'm like, yeah Awesome I bought,
And it wasn't even about the bag. It
was just... Series and again, here's what 20
I haven't bought 1 sense. But it was
for me. It was just a symbol of,
(21:54):
like, it was a symbol for me, like,
You got this. Like don't no. Like you
got this. You got this.
So... Now not only...
Did you have that sort of revelation. Right?
And not only did you make it through
financial and otherwise. But in this this time
frame of turmoil,
You're like, I'm gonna go for it fucking
(22:14):
all here, and I'm gonna start my own
company. Tell us about that. How do you
how do you go for, like like 0,
the car's I'm. Right? Or stop in reverse.
How you looking? I know all of a
sudden normal drive and we're we're in 6
gear down the highway hundred miles an hour.
How how do you make that shift? Or
You know, it's really interesting. So
when I was turning 40, and I was,
like, going through the divorce and, like, all
(22:36):
of these things. I was also though, for
the last... Like 5 years. I think a
lot of women who are kinda midlife. I
was feeling pretty burnout out of my job.
I was in, like, a corporate sales job.
It's And I I was really unsatisfied.
I knew that I was meant for more,
but then when I was getting divorce. I
like, why I can't quit my job now.
Like, I'm I'm locked into this. Right?
And so I I decided to start a
(22:58):
side... It was started. It was... It was
actually it started off just like, I'm gonna
start a side hustle. And it was twofold.
It was 1, to be honest, I wanted
a distraction. I wanted to be able to
pour myself into something and distract...
From everything that was going on.
And number 2, I was like, well, you
know, I would love to have some extra
(23:18):
money. I would love to see what
would look like to have an additional stream
of revenue. And so if I'm gonna do
this, I'm gonna pursue it in something that
I'm really, really interested in. Right? And the...
At the time, like, I you know, for
me that looked like really like the health
and wellness in space and all of that.
And so I was like, I'm just gonna...
I'm lean into it. I'm gonna do it.
And it was just,
(23:39):
so wild, you know, I launched my business,
like, right before the pandemic hit, and I
say launch my business. I knew enough about
starting an online business. I literally created a
website, like, okay. Like that. End a social
media handle, like seriously. And then the pandemic
hit, thing and I
got on tiktok and decided to start creating
(24:00):
content on Tiktok Keep in mind. Like,
I had never even like done it, like,
took a picture of this, like a selfie.
Like, I was terrified
to be on camera. I was so critical
of myself. I knew nothing what I was
doing. I learned all of it. Myself. I
mean, I became a student of the platform
so much to our Tiktok eventually ended up
paying me to create content for them.
(24:21):
And but a but it was just I,
like, went all in. And I just within
about 6 months. I mean, I... My business
really exploded. And
I grew it in and it really showed
me that I could do this. And so
I did work my other job. My full
time sales job that
18 year sales career.
I worked it for a good year and
(24:41):
a half doing both because I was still,
again, like, still afraid of, like, letting that
go, that career go
as a single person now.
But, yeah, that's really how all of that
just so kind of came about... I never
started that company with the intention or with
the belief. Let me say that With the
belief. Right. That it could be what it
(25:02):
is today.
And here's the thing. This is why we
as experts and even, you know,
people who are in it, the advice that
you're giving is. Red discover yourself find your
passion. And in that passion,
you find what you love.
Yes. Something you really just wanna do,
and it doesn't need to be making a
million dollars a year. And it doesn't need
(25:23):
to be a job. It can just be
a hobby, find something you love that you
can pursue.
So do you think
you need to as you're going through that
to get through the process, you need to
go for that reach for the stars and
get the big thing? Or can it just
be little incremental things to help get you
through the process and learn to believe again?
(25:44):
No. Absolutely. It does not need to be
what these huge
Steps, It needs to be what feels good
for you, But what you do have to
do. And so, yes, it can be these
incremental things. But you can't even do the
incremental things, unless you get clear
on what the hell you want. Right? Unless
you get the clarity. And again, this is
(26:05):
why it goes back to that simple advice
of start spending 5 minutes a day. I
don't care if it's just when you wake
up in the morning. I don't care if
it's after the kids can be school. I
don't care if it's when you're driving on
the way to work. The turn the music
off, turn the audiobook book off just in
silent right and silent. I don't care when
you do it. Right. Start getting into the
habit of just creating some space, for yourself.
(26:26):
You would be amazed.
Like, just how, you know, what can come
from that? Right. Yeah. It's funny because I
I did a piece a while ago where
I was like, you know, if you're in
the process or you're going through the process
and you're stressed out. You know, I and
I think a lot of people thought it
was corny. I was like, sing, love, dance,
have coffee with a friend, go for a
walk, Take a quick trip. It doesn't need
to be anything expensive,
(26:48):
you know, read a book You've always wanted
to read in the the point of that
is.
Calm. Yes.
And in the calm,
you can really red yourself and get a
chance to think a little a bit because
people's heads are swirling in this process.
Absolutely. Freaking look.
Absolutely. Well, and this is why too. Like,
(27:08):
I always, you know, have my women's art
2 just on a very basic level Like,
evaluate how you're living your life too? Like,
are you getting enough sleep? Are you moving
your body like I'm talking baseline stuff, like,
you can't get clarity and feel good about
yourself and about your life if you're not
sleeping. If you're eating like crap. If you're
drinking too much alcohol to numb the pain,
(27:29):
you know, if you're not moving your body,
like, you have to get back to these
baseline things. Like, even if you did... You
know, if you take... Anything
from this podcast today. It's like, literally just
just at least do an audit on some
of these base
things in your life and maybe even just
start there. Maybe tonight, it's just focus on
getting 8 hour sleep. Like, if you do
(27:50):
not and do anything else. Just get just
focus on that.
So what are 3 things that you think
would help transition our listeners to a new
beginning. Give them hope to get to the
next level. Well, I think kind of intermittently.
We we spoke... We mentioned a lot of
these, but I'll say I'll just kind of
reiterate them. Number 1, get a support system.
I don't care if it's just 111
(28:11):
friend. And if you've kinda worn your friend
out then get a therapist. I actually think
everybody should therapist. I think probably both. Right?
Both, get a friend and get a therapist.
Yes. Get a friend and get a therapist
or maybe get a few friends. Right? But
I love... I love having a therapist just
because for for many reasons.
But know, there a lot of times good
(28:31):
ones you're able to give some real just
objective feedback that can be really... That's what
they're trying to do. That's that's great. Right
So, yes, the support system, therapists in a
friend. I love that. You definitely, we've talked
about some just really starting to
get some, dedicated quiet time. Right? Yep. Said
that many times. And then the last 1
is as I would say, you know, as
you start to get that dedicated quiet time,
(28:51):
like, really, just don't be afraid to set
some short term goals. And, I say short
term and not long term because I know
when you're in this process and everything feels
like it's all over the place. Like, thinking
about
it's thinking about... So like next month can
even feel daunting. Right? So even if your
short term goal is, hey, you know what?
Tonight I'm gonna get 8 hour sleep. Or,
(29:11):
you know... Or this month, I am going
to, you know, take a trip either by
myself or like, I'm gonna go spend a
day, do an x y year or whatever.
Just set some goals some short term goals,
for yourself and it it's twofold. It's 1.
It is then just really
you getting in the habit of,
just creating some space for yourself, but then
it also get you in the habit of
(29:33):
showing the hell up for yourself. Right? Like,
committing to doing things. And then... And then
even when I do believe that when the
more you show up for yourself, that's where
your power comes back. That is where that's
where the power lies.
And I will I will add 1 little
thing I see with the friends. I always
suggest to people.
Try to have a couple and know who
they are. Yeah. You're gonna have that 1
(29:54):
friend that you can cry on their shoulder.
Yeah. And they're gonna be the comfort always.
And you're gonna have that other friend who's
gonna say, suck it up butter cup, and
it's gonna kick in your ass. And and
you and you really need both. Yeah. Really
need both. Really at any typical time in
your life. Hopefully at any time in your
life for anybody. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure.
And, you know, 1 of the things too
that really helped me and this is why
(30:14):
I'm so passionate about actually... Yeah coaching women,
you know, and working, you know, kind of
being another resource of support for them outside
of their friend and their therapist is because
what I found in therapy,
If therapy is amazing. Right? But it... But
I needed, like, a mentor and a coach
to actually help me take some of that
and put it in to act. Action. You
know, as opposed to just showing up once
(30:36):
a week and talking about it, I needed
somebody to actually help me to guide me
through and and and hold my feet to
the fire and helping me to accomplish some
of these things. And that for me and
that's 1 of, like I said a huge
motivator of why and a huge part of
my whole mission is why
is helping, you know, women through that process
and coaching them through that process. And I
(30:56):
feel like sometimes people can have a more
connect... Did not not to discount the relationship
the jab with your therapist, but I think
it can be a more intimate more connected
relationship less like did russia. You know what
I mean? I feel like with a therapist
say, let's talk about your problems, Like, what
do... You know in a lot of times,
it might be months. You just... Not I
wanna talk about my problems.
Yeah. You know, you might just have upset.
(31:17):
You want it to be like a person
you're have somebody who has expertise, but like
you're having coffee with a friend. Yeah. Yeah.
Different dynamic.
A thousand percent. And somebody who's been through
it. Like, guess, my therapist great. But, like,
Something I... I can remember going through and
I'm be like, yeah. You're happily married. You
don't even know what I'm talking about. Like,
you're just... You're all your training is through
(31:38):
books, which is great. That's... There's a place...
For that. But I just, like, being able
to, you know, work with somebody who's actually
lived it and knows what it takes to
get to the other side. I think there's
some some value in that for Yep. No.
Absolutely. And that's 1 of the things that
I really try to focus on. Yes. You
need a therapist. Yes. You needed a professional
and expert book knowledge. For sure. And presumably
(32:00):
experience where with patients. But...
Yeah. The actual bin in it been there
Done that experience to a different thing. Yeah.
Different thing. Yeah. For sure. So you have
some amazing free resources on your website, 1
of which minimally, I'd like to talk about,
Super syndrome.
Yes. Yes.
I see that all the time and oh,
(32:21):
man.
Yes.
Absolutely. You know, I created this assess. Cement
because,
you know, in my years of coaching before
moving into more of the personal development space,
and even in my years of coaching women
in the health and Wellness space, it's particularly
in the sustainable weight loss space. I... You
know,
so much of what holds people back from
achieving their goals, it's it's not the things
(32:43):
that they're not... They're doing or not doing.
It's it's their mindset. It's their beliefs. It's
their limiting beliefs. That's what... It's keeps people
stuck. That's what sabotage people and it's funny.
1 of the big ones that a lot
of women have is this like all or
enough thing,
perfection,
mindset.
Right? And and and this is what keeps
(33:05):
people kind, like, on and off the dieting
train. Right? Like I mean, they're all in
or I'm all out. Right? I I'm either.
I'd also just even in life when you're
trying to make change. Like, we have this
idea that everything has to be perfect. Right?
That we had to be... We have to
do everything.
And perfectly. We have to
show up perfectly, or we've failed And we...
As women, I think put an incredible amount
(33:26):
of pressure on ourselves, especially as moms
We think we have to be everything to
everybody all the time.
And really, that ends up... I mean, right
we are the ones that end up suffering.
Right? And so this super mom assessment is
really a quiz
to take women through, like hey. Let's let's
let's shine the light, maybe on some of
(33:46):
these other limiting beliefs, the perfection mindset is
just 1 of them. But maybe if you're
feeling stuck in your life,
Maybe it's because you've got some limiting beliefs
that are like, deeply
ingrained and that's subconscious if yours probably from
your childhood
and how you grew up. That's really showing...
That's really affecting the way you do life.
And you're you're sa
(34:07):
yourself because you've gotta work through some of
these limiting beliefs. And so that the simple
free assessment takes about 3 minutes to walk
through
and figure out what is your perfection is.
Persona. I love it by the way. So
It's awesome. So I mean, I went through
these things. I mean, let me let me
just... I'm curious. How did you come up
with us? Because this is just amazing. You
know, honestly, it was like, a so much
(34:29):
of it is the way that I used
to... Like, those are things that I used
to think. I mean, and and also just
some coaching clients but this is how my
mind... Used to work. And this is what
I'm getting at about being in it. Yeah.
When you're in it, you know, I had
somebody made a comment the other day on
1 of my pieces. He's not a psychologist.
You know, Now there is a lot of
(34:49):
snarky comments I could use the response. How
are you kidding? Yeah. However,
the knowledge and expertise you get, I haven't
been in it, but having been on the
ground floor, seeing hearing what people are saying
just listening to people who been in it.
I mean, you know, a couple of these
(35:09):
things I highlighted. So I I wanna share
for the listeners for sure. Yeah. So
I feel selfish taking time for my health.
Yeah.
I can't let myself rest until everything's done.
Yep.
If I'm not the best,
I've failed.
Yep.
(35:31):
I equate long hours with commitment.
Mh
I believe
struggling to balance work and family, is my
failure.
And the last 1 I wanna share is,
my family's happiness
depends entirely on me
that's a heavy load.
(35:52):
That is a heavy load to carry.
So when you say, you know,
I mean, everybody should take advantage of this
this quiz. It's just... It's it's pretty amazing.
But it just lets you see. It gives
you an eye into yourself.
Yeah. You know, I can't kinda think tries
to force you to be a little bit
more intros than than you ordinarily would be.
(36:14):
And just to see how much weight on
those shoulders. Yes.
And and how much weight is on those
shoulders
from the story you've created for yourself.
Like, you've created this story for yourself. My
whole entire family's,
you know, happiness rests on me. Well who?
Who... I mean, who said that? You said
that. Right? And I think... Right. And... Well,
(36:35):
and let me... I don't wanna... I don't
wanna say that, like, I'm sounding insensitive. And
where I'm going without is this.
Is that a... The reason why I put
that in and, like, one's like that in
there Why it's important to look at is
because a lot of times,
we tell ourselves lies like, that. Right? And
it's because. Yeah. And it's because maybe, you
know, you grew up in a a family
where you're... You watched your mom do everything.
(36:59):
Like, your mom, you know, kind of that
classic family, you know, middle... You know, dynamic,
right? Where the mom does everything and cheese
suffering and that, and you just learned at
an early age,
that that's your role. Right? And and or
whatever, or maybe it looks like something different,
But I'm just saying By right I really
like you said, being intros and looking at,
like, okay, Yeah. Actually, I do that is,
(37:20):
maybe a thought that comes up for me.
The whole point of this assessment too is
so, like, really look and be like, okay,
well, we're that come from? Like, where really
does that come from? Why do I feel
that way do I get some sort of
that validation, a lot of the things and
coaching women that I see a lot of
the women who are like, I'm... I do
everything for everyone all the time, and a
lot of times for a lot of women,
(37:42):
who what's underneath that is they actually get
great validation from feeling needed. And that's a
limiting belief that they have to let go.
Right? Like, they they feel they they feel
like if they do everything for everybody,
then they're needed. And that's and that's that's
where their self worth comes from. And so
when you can start to unpack that and
unravel that and really understand that, then you
(38:03):
can be like, okay, You know what?
I get self worth, from myself. I don't
have to do everything for everyone and me
be do be in the super mom and
dying for everybody
because that's what makes me feel good. I'm
gonna feel good for me. You know, does
that make sense? Like... Yeah. Yeah. And as
strong as you think you are and believe
me. I I know a lot of those
(38:23):
super moms out there. As strong as you
think you are those shoulders
are only gonna carry that weight for so
long. That's right? It it it has an
expiration date. Yeah. Well, and I, you know,
and then your kid... See it. Right? And
was like, is it right? Is that how
you wanna a model for your for your
daughter that that's what she has to do
too. I mean, that was like the big
awakening for me when I had kids. I
(38:43):
was like, man, I don't want my kids
growing up that this is what x y
and z should look like. Right? Like... Yeah.
Yeah. Right. And I think again, I think
the place that we're coming from is. Not
pointing fingers and skulls and saying you're doing
something wrong. What we're saying is
give yourself a fucking break. Yeah. And it's
okay to give yourself price. Yes.
Yes Yes, and yes. All of them so.
(39:05):
Amber, thank you so much for being on
the show, please Tell us where can my
listeners find you? Where can they look into
the podcast where can they see your videos
if somebody wants to work with you? Give
us all the stuff. All the things. Oh
my gosh. It's been amazing Yes. So my
favorite place to hang is Instagram. So I'm
Ms, miss Amber shaw,
and hit me up over there. I am
the 1 that's in all of my Dms.
(39:27):
I love personally. Don't be surprised if you
messaged me though. I'll probably voice note you
back. I'm that creepy 1 that likes a
voice snow back.
I know. I just like to personally connects.
Yes. I'm gonna send you a message back.
So, you definitely can find, find me over
there, and, I would love to connect. And
if you... Anything you heard today, really resonate,
and you wanna talk about working together. Let
(39:47):
me know. I've got a new program coming
out in the fall for women who are
for moms over 35 who are wanting to
heal. And take their next next step post
divorce. This is a program
specifically for moms 35 and up, who are
in the middle of divorce or or our
post divorce and are ready to move forward
(40:07):
and heal also I'm really excited about that
1. I've got a wait list. You can
message me and I'll send it over. So
you come back and talk again sometime? Yes.
Please, please, please. Sounds like the new project
might be a good opportunity, so that's exciting.
I'm sure everybody can't wait to to,
to see what you have in store for
us. So Thank you. Thanks again for being
on the show. Thank you everyone for tuning
in to the Dr law show to As
(40:29):
always, live the best life you can.
Know you're worth it, and stay patient, you
will find it. Thanks again for tuning in.
Have a great day.
Welcome to the Dr law show with your
host, Divorce attorney, Dennis Vi,
talking divorce,
relationships and adding value to your life.
Now, here's your host, Dennis Foot toronto.
Welcome back at everyone to the Dr
law show. I'm your host divorce attorney, Dennis
fe toronto, and yet again, another really special
(00:25):
guest today. Amber Shaw is with us. Amber
Shaw is a board certified health and wellness
coach and personal development mentor helping moms, 35
plus thrive after divorce and other midlife interruptions.
As a motivational speaker, philanthropist and internationally recognize
recognized authority in the health and wellness industry,
featured on major media outlets like Nbc,
(00:46):
Fox, and Cbs, Amber coaches women all across
the world to heal and create the life
that they love.
As a nationally board certified health and wellness
coach certified personal trainer and host of the
wellness revolution podcast,
Amber is committed to empowering women
not just to settle, but to live their
best damn life. And by the way, I
(01:07):
love that, so much, Amber. Welcome, welcome, welcome
to the show we're so happy to have
you here today. Oh, my gosh. Thank you.
It's so good to see you again. Yeah.
It's good be back again. So listen,
we're gonna get the dish here. Right? Why
don't tell me a little bit about your
divorce and your journey throughout that process.
Yes. Yes. Yes. You know, I
(01:28):
sharing my story over the, you know, the
last 5 years. It's definitely been a
work in progress as my healing has progressed.
I've become more and more comfortable with with
sharing really some of the intimate details of
my divorce, and I I share so much
of that on,
on my social media platforms and it's really
(01:49):
just
because of my strong
just commitment and my desire to
help other women.
And I know my story too can help
men just from from some the, you know,
the the the kind of the the process
that I went through, but really just to
help other women, who were going through, who
are going through, maybe something similar like I
(02:10):
did. And so
you know, I was married to
a man that I had known since I
was 7 years old. We were very best
friends. We were not in high schools. We
get arts. I always get asked ask that
question.
But we... Where we grew up together
and really just very very close to you
absolutely and still is honestly,
1 of my very best friends. And we
(02:32):
had... We got married I run run run
right around the age of around 30,
and, you know, we had 2 kids,
and really in our thirties,
we're really doing kind of, I think what
a lot of couples if find themselves kind
of in that situation really in the first
7 to 8 years. Right? You get married.
You are a lot of times, you know,
(02:53):
couples are working. You have kid you're really
just in the t of it. Now our
situation was a little bit different to where
he is a a lit. He's an attorney,
and he
was, you know, working of the big firms,
and as a lit, he was traveling lies.
Gone about 6 months out of the year.
And, I mean, I can remember, you know,
(03:14):
he... 1 time he left when my son
was 4 weeks old and my daughter was
too and he left for, like, 8 weeks,
and I was just home by myself with
2 kids. And so this brought in A
a really a different dynamic,
but
I really just didn't... I didn't know what
I didn't know. And looking back, do I
see that perhaps there were a series of
(03:34):
disconnects in our relationship that led up to
ultimately us getting a divorce. Yes, for sure.
But back then,
you know, I just thought, well, this is
just how life is. Plus the fact. Like,
this is just how life is when you're
like, when you're just in the throws of
it. 2 working parents, 1 who travels you
have kids, blah, blah, plus the fact that
really
(03:55):
kind of I think,
camouflage things is that we were having sex
quite frequently.
And I think I know for me, I
kind of used that as like a litmus
tests because I didn't know what I didn't
know and I thought, oh, well, there's no
way we're we're having problems because we have
sex. Like, all the couples that have problems
They don't have sex for, you know, years
at a time, those are the ones that
(04:15):
get divorced. Well, we had a very healthy
sex life. And we had a lot of
fun together.
And... But all of this really came to
kind of a head when I was right
before I was getting ready to turn 40,
and he had just gotten back from a
trial.
And
and also, let me just also add this
in. We were having sex and we really
didn't fight. We did not really fight.
Which is also
(04:36):
interesting, but this also good like... Yeah. I
mean, we... Right. Like, there was so
now I later learned a lot about my
husband that he at ex husband that he
is a suppressor. He is a cop compartment
analyzer, and he is, I mean he just
shoved it down, shoved it down, shut it
down, which I do think a lot of
men
do not necessarily to their fault, but that's
(04:56):
kind of what society teaches men. You gotta
shove your feelings down. Right? And not not
express them. Not... Yeah. Not express your needs.
Not express. Want your jobs to go take
care of the family and that's it. So
I recognize recognized that a lot of that's
why a lot of men struggle with that.
But
how this all kinda came to a head
was just 1 night. It was on a
date and night I like, no shit on
a date night and he just literally like,
(05:18):
I think it was we've had a few
drinks and we're having a good time and
nice dinner on a summer night, and he
literally just looked at me across the table.
Out of the freaking blue and said,
I'm unhappy and I think I should move
out.
And I mean,
what
in the actual
hell. I will tell you that from there,
like, in his mind, he was already, like
(05:39):
ready to move out. Like, he because he
he had been ready to move out for
a long time, but just never told me.
Right. And so
we... I was the 1 that really convinced
him to do their to, you know, start
therapy in anyways long story short. We tried
therapy for about a year and a half.
I went to my own therapy.
We started doing couples therapy.
And
(05:59):
some things came to light during that year
and a half that we just... We really
couldn't recover from. And
I
I finally made the decision. I'm the 1
that made the decision to to divorce him
actually.
And and that's sort of how all of
that came about, and it just it changed
the trajectory much like any divorce says that
(06:20):
it really radically changed the trajectory of my
life.
Now you guys had 2 kids at that
point? Yeah. 2 kids we had. So I'm
like, like, 8 and 6 maybe at that
point. Yeah. 7 and... Yeah. 7 and 5,
maybe.
Yeah So so you know you're in it
at that point. Now now you know, okay.
This is happening. This isn't just like, we're
we're having a conversation. It might happen. We're
(06:41):
doing therapy in a minute. Like, you're in
it. Yeah. What what sort of like?
Because I feel like so many clients and
I don't wanna say especially ladies, but I
but I feel like there there's such a...
They're so devastated and not necessarily
by the fact that the relationship is ending
(07:03):
her say in and of itself. But because
of all the little things that come along
with that all little stress over. Responsibilities.
Like, I mean, what are you feeling at
that point? I mean... Because I see so
many women are, like, this is an end?
No, my gosh. I know. Well, I will
say it was kind of like a progression.
I would say during that year and a
half, I was definitely in, like,
(07:23):
hyper fix it mode. Like, I I mean,
honestly, that period of my life, I I
thought I was going bats shit crazy to
be honest with you because I was so
out side of myself, like, so in this
hyper
state of this reactive state of just trying
to, like, you know, I feel like, you,
like it or, like, a duck pad underwater,
Like, trying to scrape up a wall like
I was trying so hard
(07:44):
to to put it back together. I would
say though
that, you know, kind of when I realized
though, like, when I actually went and filed
for divorce. Now I'm like, okay. Well, this
is now happening.
Right.
You know, I think for me, like,
It was never... I don't know. Maybe this
is just like the way I was raised
or my dad... Like, I... Like, I was
(08:05):
never... It was never an option. For it
to be, like, okay. My life is over.
Like, did I have this sadness of course,
of, like,
Deep deep grieving of the life I thought
was mine and was I scared as hell
and was I was afraid and what was
that? And all of these things, yes, of
course.
But I just had this, like, just like,
(08:27):
just as deep and knowing that, like, no,
this is not gonna take me to Like,
this is not,
this is not the end of me.
And so I...
And I think I was talking to somebody
about this the other day in a podcast,
and I think
I think
my father died when I was 32, and
I was very, very close to my father,
and I was struggling very hard during that
(08:48):
period
to make sense of it. It And 1
of the things that, like, made... And And
so what came along with that, I was
so desperate to find, like, the purpose and
all of that pain
Yeah. And
that same kind of mindset and mentality really
followed me into when I was getting going
through a divorce. I just...
(09:08):
Refused to believe that, like, this was the
end of me. I refused to believe that,
like, you know, that that this was all
in vain that there wasn't some
you know, and maybe it's my spirituality. My
faith. Don't. I just had to believe that
there was something...
The something was going to come of this,
and I didn't understand it. And I didn't
have all the answers,
(09:30):
but I just... Yeah. I don't know. I
just... I I refuse to let it take
me down.
And it's funny because a lot of what
I try to do on this show is
talk to
experts such as yourself, who actually have been
in it. Yeah. Who've been in it looking,
you know, looking out. Right? Yeah.
But every 1 of them I talk to.
I asked some of these questions that Are
(09:50):
like, yeah. Was head of the curve.
Was ahead of the curve. And I and
I look at your situation I, you're you're
ahead of the curve. You're definitely ahead of
the curve.
But
you know, for the people who are... At
the curve. Yeah. Like, how do we get
them to see? Because I find that's 1
of the most difficult things in as many
videos and everything as I've done It's 1
of the most difficult things that get people
(10:10):
to see. This is, like, so glass half
full. Right? This is not an end. Yeah.
This is a beginning. How do we... Know,
what can we do to get the shift
there. Right? Yeah. Yeah. That's a great question.
And I'm gonna tell you, like...
And I think this is what got me...
Like, I don't know that I was born
ahead of the curve. I think what got
me there is just experiencing things and trying
(10:32):
to be a little bit more proactive
about...
Changing my situation and what how I how
I did that and this is what advice
that I would give somebody who's listening to
this who's, like, oh my god. I am
feeling like my life's over. I don't know
what to do. I feel very stuck, and
I can tell you it's quite simple.
The very first and most important and just
most critical thing that you can do to
(10:53):
get yourself to to see what's possible to
move out of that space to move forward,
honest to God, it's to simply get for
quiet
with
yourself.
It is seriously to get intentional
with carving out time
to reconnecting
with
yourself and because in those moments of stillness
(11:17):
in those moments of quiet better is where
the clarity
comps. Yeah. And it's also about support it's
also about creating
a support network
Right? Like, leaning into people, you know, that
that support you, but then also,
and this is why, you know, 1 of
the very first steps I take. Clients through
(11:37):
is a process of, like, just really starting
to tap into, like, what are your passions?
Like, what light you... What makes you happy
Like, what brings joy
into your life because my whole goal for
all of that. My whole goal for somebody
telling somebody, you know, inviting somebody to get
quiet. To find a support network to do
things that light them up. It's really so
(11:59):
that they can start operating from a place
of clarity
and strength and start to... They start to
show up for themselves. They start to believe
what's possible as opposed to just staying in
this emotional state of fear of anxiety of
of just being stuck. Right? I mean, it's
really about kind of turning... Mean, I I
(12:20):
think a simpler way to put it is
it's about turning the attention back on you.
Like, how you take your bauer power back.
I how you get your power back is
start focusing on you and what you want.
Yeah. And it's funny because I feel like...
People lose their sense of self, Like like
(12:40):
on average,
they lose their sense of self, so much.
Yeah. Their wants, their dislikes, their passion, their
drive, what what what gets them going. Much
They almost... I think part of the reason
why it seems so hopeless is because they've
forgotten all of those things. Yes.
They've forgotten all those things. And and you
need that support. Work. Right? You absolutely need
(13:01):
that support network network. But I found interesting,
you know, I have something here where your
therapist told you a few things when you
were going through a sync If you lean
in this setback will be a setup for
your comeback.
The only way to move forwarding, create the
life you love is to start leaning into
the things that light you up
(13:22):
and that give you fulfillment. And I think
in a way in the quiet aren't you
in some ways leaning into
the actual... What's happening?
Like, even like like, leaning into what's actually
happening in digesting it? Abs so freaking.
I mean, it's... That's... So, you know, getting
quiet for yourself. It's with yourself. It's not
just about, you know, being able to tap
(13:43):
into what you want. Connect to what I
I would call your higher yourself or kind
of like your intuition yourself, but it's also
giving sale yourself the space
to move through the crack,
to actually, like, feel and process
the grief.
You know, when I was going through my
divorce and I was really trying to, like,
turn the attention back on me just to,
like, try and I... The reason why that
(14:05):
was so powerful for me too is because
anyone going through divorce,
it can feel very out of control. Turn
And and for me, it was, like, being
able to, like, just sit with myself and
and, like, just be with my own thoughts
and feelings for a minute. When all of
my feelings and thoughts and emotions were, like,
freaking, I felt like I was crazy half
the time. It just allowed me to, like,
just get... Have, like, just a minute where
I felt a little bit in.
(14:27):
Control. Right But, yeah. But I was just
gonna say, like, you know, when you are
you know, when you are when you have
those moments of quiet, though, it is about
you can simply ask yourself. Like, how, I
and I would. I would say, like,
how are you doing today? Like I was
talking to myself the mirror. How are you
doing today? And at first, I'd be, like.
I'm fine because that's how we posture in
(14:48):
society. That's what we say. They'd be like,
Be. I'd be like, I was talking to
myself. No. Really. How are you doing?
I'm fine. No. The thirteenth. No really, girl.
How you doing today?
Yeah. I'm not good. I'm not good. Yeah.
Like, this is actually, and I would allow
myself.
I would allow myself to just go there
and go there and be real with myself
because you can't be real with yourself on
(15:09):
how you're feeling who the hell else can
you be real with. Right? Yeah. And so
it was like, just getting in the habit,
Of showing up for myself getting real with
myself and just allowing myself to move through
it. I mean, that with for me was
really where a lot of my power came
from. You country music fan?
Yes.
Okay. So so I'm a big country music
fan. And I love 1 of the newest
songs by jelly role. Like about like, mental
(15:30):
health issues and stuff like that. And I
just did a piece, kind of inspired by
that in part. And it's basically,
it's okay to not be okay. Yes.
Yes.
We've we put so much pressure. I gotta
be perfect. I've gotta get through this. I
gotta be strong. It's okay. Yes. For a
minute for a day for a week for
a month to say. It's okay. Saying to
yourself. I'm not okay right now. Well, and
(15:51):
the other thing too is if somebody has
kids, you spend so much time like I
know for me as a single mom. You
spend so much time post like you are
okay trying to be okay for them. You've
got to allow yourself some space to not
be
okay.
To not be okay, and that is okay,
but you have to you have to allow
that for sure. So how do you think
(16:13):
the kids kinda like, add complicating factors so,
like, trying to get yourself to see that
horizon. Right?
Gosh. That's a really, really... That, you know,
that's that's a tough 1. But I will
say, yes. I mean,
kids obviously add a whole other element
to this. And you know, when I get
asked a lot, like,
do you think you failed your kids and
(16:35):
You know, I never looked at it like
that because the thing is is that I
knew that I did everything
I could to save that marriage. And I
knew
that I would be failing my kids even
more if I stayed in a marriage that
wasn't modeling a what a healthy
relationship looks like.
And so for me, it was, you know,
(16:56):
yes. In a perfect world will be say
together until until we die and the kids
grow up and what is that the picture
perfect family that I thought I was getting
when I got married. Sure. But that's not
always the way that it ends up. And
so for me, I... And so
with that commitment in mind, I knew that,
like, when I got divorced,
it was... My priorities were shifting. It was
(17:17):
no longer obviously trying to,
Create a healthy relationship with my husband for
my children. It was now... I'm am going
to do every and save the marriage. It
was now... Okay. This is happening.
I my focus had shifted to. I'm going
to do everything
I can to show my kids what a
healthy c parenting situation looks like.
And and how and how that
(17:39):
can... What that can look like.
Because this is my new reality, And this
this... These are the choices or, you know,
this this is what it looks like at
this point.
Yeah. And I mean,
but the listeners out there, pay close attention
to to the past. Like, say, minute and
a half of of what Amber was talking
about because I think
it is so important that if you know
(18:01):
the relationship has f, shirt. It's failed, and
it's irr
irr,
and you can't fix it.
You think you're helping your kids by staying
in an unhealthy
relationship. But at the end of the day,
you are not, and there are so many
people who've been through it including professionals who
will tell you, you're absolutely not. Modeling what
(18:23):
a healthy relationship should look like,
between 2 parents and
what a healthy c parenting
situation should look like, mh is what your
kids need to see? Yes.
Yeah. Hope. That's that's actually doing the work.
As a good parent. That's what a good
parent does. That's what they want their kids
to say.
(18:43):
So... Yeah. Absolutely. And I think that, you
know, for me, it it was just I...
It was such that that right there that
piece of it was so much of my
motivator
to work through. The anger and to work
through the resentment and all of these in
the fear and all of that because I
I couldn't let my kids see that. I
(19:04):
needed to push through that set that aside
and and put them first. And that's how
My ex husband and I operate. I mean,
that's that's just it.
Yep. But that's healthy, and that works. And
not everybody... We're our not every couple is
able to manage that, but it's a good
example to set. I love the symbolism.
Of your describing,
(19:25):
my husband used... My ex husband used to
get me purses.
U. And
I always associated those purses as gifts, that
was my security.
Yeah. And then as you go through the
process, you're like,
I made my own money prior to the
marriage to fill that purse. I make my
own money during, and I will after. You
know, how did you like How does you
(19:46):
have that confidence. I I love the symbolism
there by the way.
Well, it's just... You know, so to give
the listeners a little bit of context. So.
Yeah. So my...
X has been his, you know, his...
Was it... He was a big gift give.
And so he would always buy me, like,
really lavish gifts. And so 1 of those
things, and And I listen. I love nice
things too, but I'm just... I've never been
(20:08):
the kind of person to go walk into
the Louis vuitton store and like buy bag
for myself. All of my really nice bags
came from my husband.
And 1 night I was, like, we were
separated and I was clearing out my,
my closet, and I just had this, like
moment of, like... Utter, like,
just, like, fear and sadness and pit my
myself, and I was like,
who's gonna... I'm not gonna have anybody to
(20:29):
buy the bags for me and then it
was like, And I realized like, at somebody
listening this, and it I had nothing to
do with the bags. We've you ever gone
through divorce or you're in the middle of
that you know you can have those micro
moments that when you say out loud They
sound ridiculous. But in the moment, they're very
real because what I know from doing the
work is that, yeah, what that bag represented
to me was... A symbol of love. Right?
(20:50):
Because it was given to me from my
partner as a gift. Right? So that's an
act love. It was also like a represented
this security and safety of this
lifestyle that I was accustomed to. And so
what that was picking on was obviously some
of my insecurities about now being on my
own and and not having that safety net
(21:11):
of a second income,
and a lot of fear around that,
Right? And and really, I had to have
like, a freaking come to Jesus with myself,
which was
girl like, Yeah. You... You... What what are
you doing? This is when, like, my my
25 year old self would always, like, show
up. Right? And she always by girl. What
are you do? And, like, you made your
(21:32):
money before you were married. Yeah. You made
your money, while you were married and girl,
you will make money after married and so
you know what I did. As I went
out and I bought my first louis vuitton
bag. And in that video, that's me unboxing
it because I'm like, yeah Awesome I bought,
And it wasn't even about the bag. It
was just... Series and again, here's what 20
I haven't bought 1 sense. But it was
for me. It was just a symbol of,
(21:54):
like, it was a symbol for me, like,
You got this. Like don't no. Like you
got this. You got this.
So... Now not only...
Did you have that sort of revelation. Right?
And not only did you make it through
financial and otherwise. But in this this time
frame of turmoil,
You're like, I'm gonna go for it fucking
(22:14):
all here, and I'm gonna start my own
company. Tell us about that. How do you
how do you go for, like like 0,
the car's I'm. Right? Or stop in reverse.
How you looking? I know all of a
sudden normal drive and we're we're in 6
gear down the highway hundred miles an hour.
How how do you make that shift? Or
You know, it's really interesting. So
when I was turning 40, and I was,
like, going through the divorce and, like, all
(22:36):
of these things. I was also though, for
the last... Like 5 years. I think a
lot of women who are kinda midlife. I
was feeling pretty burnout out of my job.
I was in, like, a corporate sales job.
It's And I I was really unsatisfied.
I knew that I was meant for more,
but then when I was getting divorce. I
like, why I can't quit my job now.
Like, I'm I'm locked into this. Right?
And so I I decided to start a
(22:58):
side... It was started. It was... It was
actually it started off just like, I'm gonna
start a side hustle. And it was twofold.
It was 1, to be honest, I wanted
a distraction. I wanted to be able to
pour myself into something and distract...
From everything that was going on.
And number 2, I was like, well, you
know, I would love to have some extra
(23:18):
money. I would love to see what
would look like to have an additional stream
of revenue. And so if I'm gonna do
this, I'm gonna pursue it in something that
I'm really, really interested in. Right? And the...
At the time, like, I you know, for
me that looked like really like the health
and wellness in space and all of that.
And so I was like, I'm just gonna...
I'm lean into it. I'm gonna do it.
And it was just,
(23:39):
so wild, you know, I launched my business,
like, right before the pandemic hit, and I
say launch my business. I knew enough about
starting an online business. I literally created a
website, like, okay. Like that. End a social
media handle, like seriously. And then the pandemic
hit, thing and I
got on tiktok and decided to start creating
(24:00):
content on Tiktok Keep in mind. Like,
I had never even like done it, like,
took a picture of this, like a selfie.
Like, I was terrified
to be on camera. I was so critical
of myself. I knew nothing what I was
doing. I learned all of it. Myself. I
mean, I became a student of the platform
so much to our Tiktok eventually ended up
paying me to create content for them.
(24:21):
And but a but it was just I,
like, went all in. And I just within
about 6 months. I mean, I... My business
really exploded. And
I grew it in and it really showed
me that I could do this. And so
I did work my other job. My full
time sales job that
18 year sales career.
I worked it for a good year and
(24:41):
a half doing both because I was still,
again, like, still afraid of, like, letting that
go, that career go
as a single person now.
But, yeah, that's really how all of that
just so kind of came about... I never
started that company with the intention or with
the belief. Let me say that With the
belief. Right. That it could be what it
(25:02):
is today.
And here's the thing. This is why we
as experts and even, you know,
people who are in it, the advice that
you're giving is. Red discover yourself find your
passion. And in that passion,
you find what you love.
Yes. Something you really just wanna do,
and it doesn't need to be making a
million dollars a year. And it doesn't need
(25:23):
to be a job. It can just be
a hobby, find something you love that you
can pursue.
So do you think
you need to as you're going through that
to get through the process, you need to
go for that reach for the stars and
get the big thing? Or can it just
be little incremental things to help get you
through the process and learn to believe again?
(25:44):
No. Absolutely. It does not need to be
what these huge
Steps, It needs to be what feels good
for you, But what you do have to
do. And so, yes, it can be these
incremental things. But you can't even do the
incremental things, unless you get clear
on what the hell you want. Right? Unless
you get the clarity. And again, this is
(26:05):
why it goes back to that simple advice
of start spending 5 minutes a day. I
don't care if it's just when you wake
up in the morning. I don't care if
it's after the kids can be school. I
don't care if it's when you're driving on
the way to work. The turn the music
off, turn the audiobook book off just in
silent right and silent. I don't care when
you do it. Right. Start getting into the
habit of just creating some space, for yourself.
(26:26):
You would be amazed.
Like, just how, you know, what can come
from that? Right. Yeah. It's funny because I
I did a piece a while ago where
I was like, you know, if you're in
the process or you're going through the process
and you're stressed out. You know, I and
I think a lot of people thought it
was corny. I was like, sing, love, dance,
have coffee with a friend, go for a
walk, Take a quick trip. It doesn't need
to be anything expensive,
(26:48):
you know, read a book You've always wanted
to read in the the point of that
is.
Calm. Yes.
And in the calm,
you can really red yourself and get a
chance to think a little a bit because
people's heads are swirling in this process.
Absolutely. Freaking look.
Absolutely. Well, and this is why too. Like,
(27:08):
I always, you know, have my women's art
2 just on a very basic level Like,
evaluate how you're living your life too? Like,
are you getting enough sleep? Are you moving
your body like I'm talking baseline stuff, like,
you can't get clarity and feel good about
yourself and about your life if you're not
sleeping. If you're eating like crap. If you're
drinking too much alcohol to numb the pain,
(27:29):
you know, if you're not moving your body,
like, you have to get back to these
baseline things. Like, even if you did... You
know, if you take... Anything
from this podcast today. It's like, literally just
just at least do an audit on some
of these base
things in your life and maybe even just
start there. Maybe tonight, it's just focus on
getting 8 hour sleep. Like, if you do
(27:50):
not and do anything else. Just get just
focus on that.
So what are 3 things that you think
would help transition our listeners to a new
beginning. Give them hope to get to the
next level. Well, I think kind of intermittently.
We we spoke... We mentioned a lot of
these, but I'll say I'll just kind of
reiterate them. Number 1, get a support system.
I don't care if it's just 111
(28:11):
friend. And if you've kinda worn your friend
out then get a therapist. I actually think
everybody should therapist. I think probably both. Right?
Both, get a friend and get a therapist.
Yes. Get a friend and get a therapist
or maybe get a few friends. Right? But
I love... I love having a therapist just
because for for many reasons.
But know, there a lot of times good
(28:31):
ones you're able to give some real just
objective feedback that can be really... That's what
they're trying to do. That's that's great. Right
So, yes, the support system, therapists in a
friend. I love that. You definitely, we've talked
about some just really starting to
get some, dedicated quiet time. Right? Yep. Said
that many times. And then the last 1
is as I would say, you know, as
you start to get that dedicated quiet time,
(28:51):
like, really, just don't be afraid to set
some short term goals. And, I say short
term and not long term because I know
when you're in this process and everything feels
like it's all over the place. Like, thinking
about
it's thinking about... So like next month can
even feel daunting. Right? So even if your
short term goal is, hey, you know what?
Tonight I'm gonna get 8 hour sleep. Or,
(29:11):
you know... Or this month, I am going
to, you know, take a trip either by
myself or like, I'm gonna go spend a
day, do an x y year or whatever.
Just set some goals some short term goals,
for yourself and it it's twofold. It's 1.
It is then just really
you getting in the habit of,
just creating some space for yourself, but then
it also get you in the habit of
(29:33):
showing the hell up for yourself. Right? Like,
committing to doing things. And then... And then
even when I do believe that when the
more you show up for yourself, that's where
your power comes back. That is where that's
where the power lies.
And I will I will add 1 little
thing I see with the friends. I always
suggest to people.
Try to have a couple and know who
they are. Yeah. You're gonna have that 1
(29:54):
friend that you can cry on their shoulder.
Yeah. And they're gonna be the comfort always.
And you're gonna have that other friend who's
gonna say, suck it up butter cup, and
it's gonna kick in your ass. And and
you and you really need both. Yeah. Really
need both. Really at any typical time in
your life. Hopefully at any time in your
life for anybody. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure.
And, you know, 1 of the things too
that really helped me and this is why
(30:14):
I'm so passionate about actually... Yeah coaching women,
you know, and working, you know, kind of
being another resource of support for them outside
of their friend and their therapist is because
what I found in therapy,
If therapy is amazing. Right? But it... But
I needed, like, a mentor and a coach
to actually help me take some of that
and put it in to act. Action. You
know, as opposed to just showing up once
(30:36):
a week and talking about it, I needed
somebody to actually help me to guide me
through and and and hold my feet to
the fire and helping me to accomplish some
of these things. And that for me and
that's 1 of, like I said a huge
motivator of why and a huge part of
my whole mission is why
is helping, you know, women through that process
and coaching them through that process. And I
(30:56):
feel like sometimes people can have a more
connect... Did not not to discount the relationship
the jab with your therapist, but I think
it can be a more intimate more connected
relationship less like did russia. You know what
I mean? I feel like with a therapist
say, let's talk about your problems, Like, what
do... You know in a lot of times,
it might be months. You just... Not I
wanna talk about my problems.
Yeah. You know, you might just have upset.
(31:17):
You want it to be like a person
you're have somebody who has expertise, but like
you're having coffee with a friend. Yeah. Yeah.
Different dynamic.
A thousand percent. And somebody who's been through
it. Like, guess, my therapist great. But, like,
Something I... I can remember going through and
I'm be like, yeah. You're happily married. You
don't even know what I'm talking about. Like,
you're just... You're all your training is through
(31:38):
books, which is great. That's... There's a place...
For that. But I just, like, being able
to, you know, work with somebody who's actually
lived it and knows what it takes to
get to the other side. I think there's
some some value in that for Yep. No.
Absolutely. And that's 1 of the things that
I really try to focus on. Yes. You
need a therapist. Yes. You needed a professional
and expert book knowledge. For sure. And presumably
(32:00):
experience where with patients. But...
Yeah. The actual bin in it been there
Done that experience to a different thing. Yeah.
Different thing. Yeah. For sure. So you have
some amazing free resources on your website, 1
of which minimally, I'd like to talk about,
Super syndrome.
Yes. Yes.
I see that all the time and oh,
(32:21):
man.
Yes.
Absolutely. You know, I created this assess. Cement
because,
you know, in my years of coaching before
moving into more of the personal development space,
and even in my years of coaching women
in the health and Wellness space, it's particularly
in the sustainable weight loss space. I... You
know,
so much of what holds people back from
achieving their goals, it's it's not the things
(32:43):
that they're not... They're doing or not doing.
It's it's their mindset. It's their beliefs. It's
their limiting beliefs. That's what... It's keeps people
stuck. That's what sabotage people and it's funny.
1 of the big ones that a lot
of women have is this like all or
enough thing,
perfection,
mindset.
Right? And and and this is what keeps
(33:05):
people kind, like, on and off the dieting
train. Right? Like I mean, they're all in
or I'm all out. Right? I I'm either.
I'd also just even in life when you're
trying to make change. Like, we have this
idea that everything has to be perfect. Right?
That we had to be... We have to
do everything.
And perfectly. We have to
show up perfectly, or we've failed And we...
As women, I think put an incredible amount
(33:26):
of pressure on ourselves, especially as moms
We think we have to be everything to
everybody all the time.
And really, that ends up... I mean, right
we are the ones that end up suffering.
Right? And so this super mom assessment is
really a quiz
to take women through, like hey. Let's let's
let's shine the light, maybe on some of
(33:46):
these other limiting beliefs, the perfection mindset is
just 1 of them. But maybe if you're
feeling stuck in your life,
Maybe it's because you've got some limiting beliefs
that are like, deeply
ingrained and that's subconscious if yours probably from
your childhood
and how you grew up. That's really showing...
That's really affecting the way you do life.
And you're you're sa
(34:07):
yourself because you've gotta work through some of
these limiting beliefs. And so that the simple
free assessment takes about 3 minutes to walk
through
and figure out what is your perfection is.
Persona. I love it by the way. So
It's awesome. So I mean, I went through
these things. I mean, let me let me
just... I'm curious. How did you come up
with us? Because this is just amazing. You
know, honestly, it was like, a so much
(34:29):
of it is the way that I used
to... Like, those are things that I used
to think. I mean, and and also just
some coaching clients but this is how my
mind... Used to work. And this is what
I'm getting at about being in it. Yeah.
When you're in it, you know, I had
somebody made a comment the other day on
1 of my pieces. He's not a psychologist.
You know, Now there is a lot of
(34:49):
snarky comments I could use the response. How
are you kidding? Yeah. However,
the knowledge and expertise you get, I haven't
been in it, but having been on the
ground floor, seeing hearing what people are saying
just listening to people who been in it.
I mean, you know, a couple of these
(35:09):
things I highlighted. So I I wanna share
for the listeners for sure. Yeah. So
I feel selfish taking time for my health.
Yeah.
I can't let myself rest until everything's done.
Yep.
If I'm not the best,
I've failed.
Yep.
(35:31):
I equate long hours with commitment.
Mh
I believe
struggling to balance work and family, is my
failure.
And the last 1 I wanna share is,
my family's happiness
depends entirely on me
that's a heavy load.
(35:52):
That is a heavy load to carry.
So when you say, you know,
I mean, everybody should take advantage of this
this quiz. It's just... It's it's pretty amazing.
But it just lets you see. It gives
you an eye into yourself.
Yeah. You know, I can't kinda think tries
to force you to be a little bit
more intros than than you ordinarily would be.
(36:14):
And just to see how much weight on
those shoulders. Yes.
And and how much weight is on those
shoulders
from the story you've created for yourself.
Like, you've created this story for yourself. My
whole entire family's,
you know, happiness rests on me. Well who?
Who... I mean, who said that? You said
that. Right? And I think... Right. And... Well,
(36:35):
and let me... I don't wanna... I don't
wanna say that, like, I'm sounding insensitive. And
where I'm going without is this.
Is that a... The reason why I put
that in and, like, one's like that in
there Why it's important to look at is
because a lot of times,
we tell ourselves lies like, that. Right? And
it's because. Yeah. And it's because maybe, you
know, you grew up in a a family
where you're... You watched your mom do everything.
(36:59):
Like, your mom, you know, kind of that
classic family, you know, middle... You know, dynamic,
right? Where the mom does everything and cheese
suffering and that, and you just learned at
an early age,
that that's your role. Right? And and or
whatever, or maybe it looks like something different,
But I'm just saying By right I really
like you said, being intros and looking at,
like, okay, Yeah. Actually, I do that is,
(37:20):
maybe a thought that comes up for me.
The whole point of this assessment too is
so, like, really look and be like, okay,
well, we're that come from? Like, where really
does that come from? Why do I feel
that way do I get some sort of
that validation, a lot of the things and
coaching women that I see a lot of
the women who are like, I'm... I do
everything for everyone all the time, and a
lot of times for a lot of women,
(37:42):
who what's underneath that is they actually get
great validation from feeling needed. And that's a
limiting belief that they have to let go.
Right? Like, they they feel they they feel
like if they do everything for everybody,
then they're needed. And that's and that's that's
where their self worth comes from. And so
when you can start to unpack that and
unravel that and really understand that, then you
(38:03):
can be like, okay, You know what?
I get self worth, from myself. I don't
have to do everything for everyone and me
be do be in the super mom and
dying for everybody
because that's what makes me feel good. I'm
gonna feel good for me. You know, does
that make sense? Like... Yeah. Yeah. And as
strong as you think you are and believe
me. I I know a lot of those
(38:23):
super moms out there. As strong as you
think you are those shoulders
are only gonna carry that weight for so
long. That's right? It it it has an
expiration date. Yeah. Well, and I, you know,
and then your kid... See it. Right? And
was like, is it right? Is that how
you wanna a model for your for your
daughter that that's what she has to do
too. I mean, that was like the big
awakening for me when I had kids. I
(38:43):
was like, man, I don't want my kids
growing up that this is what x y
and z should look like. Right? Like... Yeah.
Yeah. Right. And I think again, I think
the place that we're coming from is. Not
pointing fingers and skulls and saying you're doing
something wrong. What we're saying is
give yourself a fucking break. Yeah. And it's
okay to give yourself price. Yes.
Yes Yes, and yes. All of them so.
(39:05):
Amber, thank you so much for being on
the show, please Tell us where can my
listeners find you? Where can they look into
the podcast where can they see your videos
if somebody wants to work with you? Give
us all the stuff. All the things. Oh
my gosh. It's been amazing Yes. So my
favorite place to hang is Instagram. So I'm
Ms, miss Amber shaw,
and hit me up over there. I am
the 1 that's in all of my Dms.
(39:27):
I love personally. Don't be surprised if you
messaged me though. I'll probably voice note you
back. I'm that creepy 1 that likes a
voice snow back.
I know. I just like to personally connects.
Yes. I'm gonna send you a message back.
So, you definitely can find, find me over
there, and, I would love to connect. And
if you... Anything you heard today, really resonate,
and you wanna talk about working together. Let
(39:47):
me know. I've got a new program coming
out in the fall for women who are
for moms over 35 who are wanting to
heal. And take their next next step post
divorce. This is a program
specifically for moms 35 and up, who are
in the middle of divorce or or our
post divorce and are ready to move forward
(40:07):
and heal also I'm really excited about that
1. I've got a wait list. You can
message me and I'll send it over. So
you come back and talk again sometime? Yes.
Please, please, please. Sounds like the new project
might be a good opportunity, so that's exciting.
I'm sure everybody can't wait to to,
to see what you have in store for
us. So Thank you. Thanks again for being
on the show. Thank you everyone for tuning
in to the Dr law show to As
(40:29):
always, live the best life you can.
Know you're worth it, and stay patient, you
will find it. Thanks again for tuning in.
Have a great day.
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