What do a former Nickelodeon star, an A-list actress, and a renowned author have in common? They've each fought their personal battles with eating disorders and bravely shared their stories in their memoirs. Join me as I delve into the lives of Jeanette McCurdy, Demi Moore, and Marya Hornbacher in their respective books: I'm Glad My Mom Died, Inside Out, and Wasted. As a former fashion model, I can relate to their struggles and will share my insights on the need for control and the desire to fix what we can.
Through the emotional journeys of these three remarkable women, we explore the common threads in their eating disorder struggles, from the pressures of their careers to their complicated relationships with their mothers. I discuss McCurdy's cathartic process of finding peace after her mother's passing, Moore's battle with addiction and identity, and Hornbacher's harrowing experience with anorexia and bulimia. These inspiring memoirs shed light on the complexities of eating disorders and stress the importance of seeking support and understanding. Don't miss out on this thought-provoking and heartfelt episode.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Three different women with three completely different
stories and one theme EatingDisorders.
This is the Lucy Beatrixpodcast.
Today I'm talking about threebooks that I read that all talk
about their struggles witheating disorders.
They're all memoirs And I justwant to talk about what I
(00:21):
noticed different themes andthings that I both related to,
didn't relate to and just foundoverall pretty interesting.
So, yeah, that's today's show.
The books that I'm going to betalking about are I'm Glad My
Mom Died by Jeanette McCurdy,inside Out by Demi Moore and
then Wasted by Maria Hornbacher,and these three individuals
(00:45):
don't have that much to do witheach other.
They have nothing to do witheach other other than the fact
that both Jeanette McCurdy andDemi Moore were actresses.
But I found it so interestingthat within these three memoirs
talking about eating disorders,there were such common
denominators in the ways ofcontrol and thinking about your
(01:09):
body as a reflection of yourself, and that's something that I
relate to a lot because, if youdon't know a little bit about my
story, i was a fashion modelfor over a decade.
I was on the covers ofmagazines, i was in that world
or this idea of being in themedia, and the struggles are
real.
There's definitely a lot ofthat external pressure that I
(01:33):
faced.
So it was really fascinatingfor me to listen to the words of
people who went through thesame types of pressure but on a
very much bigger scale, becauseobviously I was nowhere near
that kind of like visibilitythat they faced.
But those two actresses, demiMoore and Jeanette McCurdy, they
also seem to have a lot ofcommon themes with the other
(01:56):
memoir wasted by MariaHornbacher, who had nothing to
do with acting.
She was not an actress, she wasa journalist, and I just found
it really interesting to thinkthat eating disorders don't
really discriminate against whatyour career is.
You don't have to be in thepublic eye to have that kind of
(02:16):
pressure, and so, yeah, ithought that was kind of
fascinating.
So, right off the bat, i thinkthe craziest thing.
To me this was like the firstbook that I read in this little
trio that I went on started witha book that my therapist
recommended and that was I'mglad my mom died.
(02:36):
And Jeanette McCurdy was thischild actress and she was kind
of thrust into the spotlight ata very young age.
Her mom was putting so muchpressure on her And much of the
book has to do with thatrelationship with her mother and
how her mom was just kind oflike this really aggressive
force in her life and lessnurturing, and said more just
(02:59):
like forceful, and that kind ofpressure, starting at such a
young age.
That's what I think was likethe breeding grounds for what
then descended her, what led toher descent into a disordered
eating.
So when I was listening to herstory there was a lot that I
didn't relate to, because my momnever put me in the spotlight
(03:22):
like that, like I kind of wentinto the modeling industry on my
own and just like went off anddid my own thing very
independently from my parents.
But what I did relate to wasthis obsessive need to control
and fix what I could.
And so, with my own story offood struggles, i think that
that really is a lot of the cruxof how we like take the things
(03:47):
that we can control and we'relike, okay, well, i can control
diet, exercise and you know,like maybe a couple other things
, but that those things arethings that I can fix and make
sure that I'm doing right.
And so that was something thatI picked up on her book, that
kind of shed light on my ownexperience where I was like.
That is something that Idefinitely relate to.
(04:09):
Oddly, this was so crazy.
In that story she references amagazine that her mother was
obsessed with, this dietmagazine called Woman's World.
It's a weekly magazine and hermom has it dog-eared and her mom
is constantly referencing itand there's, like always, a
Woman's World magazine.
And the crazy thing is is thatI was actually on the cover of
(04:31):
this magazine multiple times.
So, and during the years thatthis was all going down, i very
well could have been the girl onthe cover of these exact
magazines.
So it was kind of a crazy thingto think that there I was,
standing on a scale with a smile, or have a tape measure around
my waist with the headline withthe magazine cover saying how to
(04:53):
lose weight watching TV.
That girl was me, so it's weirdto like read a book about this
struggle that she had and thenalso seeing that like I was,
like I was on the other side ofit in a very weird, surreal way.
But, that said, i think thetakeaway that I got from
(05:16):
Jeanette's story was that shehad to get over this
relationship with her career andher mother in order to be free,
and that was the thing that Iwas like okay, this really helps
me understand my ownrelationship with my career,
(05:36):
where I had to kind of cut tieswith modeling in a very similar
way, where, even though I'mstill a model and I'm still
signed, i put a distance betweenthat life and then my life now
And that was what afforded methis like relaxing feeling to
just be able to eat freely.
So, other than that, the otheridea that I took away was this
(06:00):
idea of her distancing herselffrom her mother when her mom
passed away And that kind ofenabling her mother kind of
instilled in her the littlevoice that was telling her to do
the behaviors.
But then when her mom passedaway, that kept going.
She still had struggles withfood And it's almost like she
(06:20):
had to come to terms with likeletting go of that voice.
But, all in all, the thing Ithought that was the most was so
great about her book was thatit still had a very good sense
of humor And she can talk aboutthese topics like her mother
dying and eating disorder andthe struggles of her career, but
make it funny And I reallyappreciated that, because
(06:42):
sometimes I think things get soserious and it is serious stuff.
It's life or death for sure,but I liked the sense of humor
with it And obviously causeshe's an actress the way she's
telling her story in the audiobook you hear her, so it makes
it that much more enjoyable tolisten to.
So the next book that is notthe actress but Maria Hornbacher
(07:05):
, who wrote Wasted.
That was the next audio bookthat I listened to And that was
just because it was arecommended book.
After I listened to, i'm GladMy Mom Died.
And the funny thing was is I'veread this book.
I read this book over a decadeago.
I have it on my bookshelf righthere And I know this book
pretty well.
But I had never listened to itas an audio book.
(07:26):
And the reason I know this bookso well is because back when I
first started to struggle withan eating disorder, i read it
when I probably 15 years ago,and this book came out I think
in the late 90s and anybodywho's had any kind of food
struggles knows this book.
It's kind of like a textbook ofeating disorder stuff, both
(07:50):
anorexia and bulimia, and thisbook was written by a prolific
writer.
This, maria Hornbacher, is awriter.
She is so good.
She is a journalist.
She went on to like.
She talks about the beginningof her career in journalism at
the end of the book.
But her story is you're hangingon every word And I found it
(08:15):
really awesome to listen to itbecause I had only ever read it
And I had remembered bits andpieces, but hearing her tell it
made it that much more powerful.
This book definitely shakes youto your core And it is graphic,
it is ugly at times, but it'salso not this.
It's not what you would expect,because the idea of the whole
(08:40):
body image thing, with havinghaving having to live up to
certain standards, can be bothexternal or internal, and you
really see with Maria how thisinternal voice just gets louder
and louder and louder and takesher over the edge Like she's.
She doesn't hold back withtalking about how she goes in
(09:03):
and out of treatment and whatkind of stuff is going on there
and how she'll get a little bitbetter but then a whole lot
worse and a little bit betterand a whole lot worse.
And that reflects my ownexperience perfectly.
So I felt like wasted was areally cerebral look at what
it's like to have an eatingdisorder and truly, if somebody
(09:24):
didn't and they read this theycould say, okay, now I kind of
have an idea of what's going on.
I actually told my therapist toread that one.
So after he told me to read I'mglad my mom died I told him to
read wasted And I was like readthis one but buckle up because
it's, it's rough.
And, yeah, what I love about herwriting is that you, you
(09:47):
understand how this becomes thismajor fixation to try to attain
something that is so pure Andthat word I'm putting in air
quotes because obviously beingunderweight is not pure, it's
not like it means trying to bethe aspirational goal.
But there's something that'sbaked into a lot of women or
(10:10):
people in society that strugglewith food stuff, that the
lighter you are are the morepure, or or I don't even say
perfect, but like the way you'recloser to the ideal.
And that, to me, really strikesa chord, because I think about
how, when I was modeling andthey were telling me to lose
(10:30):
weight, but that it was likethey were trying to disguise it
as like you'll just be likebetter if you're just a little
bit lighter, if you cut someinches off of your hips, and
that got stuck in me of likeyou'll be better, like some
things will just be better ifyou're lighter.
And I specifically rememberbeing told to like if I had lost
(10:52):
just a little bit of weight,that my face would read better
in the pictures and stuff, evenif you didn't see.
Because I remember I was like,well, why can't I just be a
beauty model, why can't I justdo that kind of stuff where it's
just my face and not my bodyAnd my body can be just
completely out of the equation?
And I was told that like I'lljust look better if I'm lighter
(11:13):
And yeah, that sticks.
So I think about like that ideaof how it coincided with this
feeling of purity and beingperfect, so yeah.
And then she talks a lot aboutthe adrenaline of running on
empty.
That to me, so I completely getthat, because I remember
(11:37):
thinking when I was the lightestthat I ever was and people
would say things they'd beshocked I'd be on set working
and stuff that almost gave memore energy.
And she was talking about beingvery busy working in DC,
writing, covering stories andjust running like on fumes.
And I was like, yeah, that Iwas in that same kind of manic
state in the height of mymodeling career.
(11:58):
So Mariah Hornbacher nailed itwith that book man, it's just
like.
That is the book that I thinkpeople should read when they
want to understand.
She also talks about thedichotomy of between being a
bulimic and an anorectic andlike how you're, she was kind of
always aspiring to be ananorectic, of not needing food,
but she would succumb to thesebinges and purges and ultimately
(12:21):
be bulimic.
So the next book was Inside Outby Demi Moore, and that was
another one that just kind ofpopped up on my feet of
something to listen to And Inever really, i mean, i knew who
Demi Moore was.
She's a famous actress andshe's been in all these big
movies, and this book reallyspoke to me because I didn't
(12:45):
realize that a lot of herupbringing was kind of messed up
and that she almost wasthrusted into the industry in a
way that she didn't have achance to become herself first
And I didn't have like a fuckedup upbringing like she did, but
this idea of not having yoursense of identity and then like
(13:05):
being somehow having youridentity put on you and then
trying to figure out who you are.
I feel like that has a lot todo with struggling to find
yourself and then, like you canget lost that much quicker with
both addiction and with eatingdisorders, and I mean those two
go hand in hand.
But when she specifically talksabout how she fell into
(13:29):
alcoholism and then went throughthe 12 steps, i've had the same
kind of relationship withalcohol.
So that was a really cool partof her story to listen to, as
well as while she was.
I mean I didn't know that thisbook had so much to do with her
pregnancies and how she waspregnant four different times
(13:50):
And she talks about having amiscarriage but that with her
three daughters she was in andout of roles, kind of
sandwiching, as she was pregnantShe would be putting on weight
to have a baby, have a baby andthen after a month later turn
around and fit into some outfitfor a movie, a major movie with
like a huge budget.
So then that relationship withfood just got very obsessive and
(14:15):
like out of control.
And she also talks about herrelationships with men with like
Bruce Willis and Ashton Kutcher, and how that coincided with
that other like escapism, almostlike where she got lost inside
of her relationship with AshtonKutcher And when she came out of
it it was just like crippling.
(14:37):
So that's something that Irelate to too.
So I definitely I appreciatedthese women coming forth with
their stories so much and beingso honest.
Like I was actually quitesurprised that some with both to
me more and Jeanette McCartycause they are public figures
talking so openly about peoplethat they had been with and like
(14:57):
things that were going on inthe industry, and it's just like
they were so honest And theydidn't hold back and try to make
themselves look better or likeabove these issues, and so I got
a lot out of it.
But I would say that the threeof them together actually kind
of worked perfectly because theyall had different things to
(15:17):
offer between talking aboutaddiction and the struggles of
eating disorders, andrelationships and maternal
relationships, and so, yeah, ifound all three of them very
compelling, especially assomeone who has struggled with
both addiction and eatingproblems.
So, yeah, i hope that you guysgot something out of this little
(15:41):
review of the three books andhow they go together, and I hope
that you are able.
You can find me out if you everwanna like.
Chat with me if you wanna findme on Instagram.
I'm at LucyBietrixL-U-C-I-E-B-E-A-T-R-I-X.
And until next time, just befast, just win.
Three different women with three completely different
stories and one theme EatingDisorders.
This is the Lucy Beatrixpodcast.
Today I'm talking about threebooks that I read that all talk
about their struggles witheating disorders.
They're all memoirs And I justwant to talk about what I
(00:21):
noticed different themes andthings that I both related to,
didn't relate to and just foundoverall pretty interesting.
So, yeah, that's today's show.
The books that I'm going to betalking about are I'm Glad My
Mom Died by Jeanette McCurdy,inside Out by Demi Moore and
then Wasted by Maria Hornbacher,and these three individuals
(00:45):
don't have that much to do witheach other.
They have nothing to do witheach other other than the fact
that both Jeanette McCurdy andDemi Moore were actresses.
But I found it so interestingthat within these three memoirs
talking about eating disorders,there were such common
denominators in the ways ofcontrol and thinking about your
(01:09):
body as a reflection of yourself, and that's something that I
relate to a lot because, if youdon't know a little bit about my
story, i was a fashion modelfor over a decade.
I was on the covers ofmagazines, i was in that world
or this idea of being in themedia, and the struggles are
real.
There's definitely a lot ofthat external pressure that I
(01:33):
faced.
So it was really fascinatingfor me to listen to the words of
people who went through thesame types of pressure but on a
very much bigger scale, becauseobviously I was nowhere near
that kind of like visibilitythat they faced.
But those two actresses, demiMoore and Jeanette McCurdy, they
also seem to have a lot ofcommon themes with the other
(01:56):
memoir wasted by MariaHornbacher, who had nothing to
do with acting.
She was not an actress, she wasa journalist, and I just found
it really interesting to thinkthat eating disorders don't
really discriminate against whatyour career is.
You don't have to be in thepublic eye to have that kind of
(02:16):
pressure, and so, yeah, ithought that was kind of
fascinating.
So, right off the bat, i thinkthe craziest thing.
To me this was like the firstbook that I read in this little
trio that I went on started witha book that my therapist
recommended and that was I'mglad my mom died.
(02:36):
And Jeanette McCurdy was thischild actress and she was kind
of thrust into the spotlight ata very young age.
Her mom was putting so muchpressure on her And much of the
book has to do with thatrelationship with her mother and
how her mom was just kind oflike this really aggressive
force in her life and lessnurturing, and said more just
(02:59):
like forceful, and that kind ofpressure, starting at such a
young age.
That's what I think was likethe breeding grounds for what
then descended her, what led toher descent into a disordered
eating.
So when I was listening to herstory there was a lot that I
didn't relate to, because my momnever put me in the spotlight
(03:22):
like that, like I kind of wentinto the modeling industry on my
own and just like went off anddid my own thing very
independently from my parents.
But what I did relate to wasthis obsessive need to control
and fix what I could.
And so, with my own story offood struggles, i think that
that really is a lot of the cruxof how we like take the things
(03:47):
that we can control and we'relike, okay, well, i can control
diet, exercise and you know,like maybe a couple other things
, but that those things arethings that I can fix and make
sure that I'm doing right.
And so that was something thatI picked up on her book, that
kind of shed light on my ownexperience where I was like.
That is something that Idefinitely relate to.
(04:09):
Oddly, this was so crazy.
In that story she references amagazine that her mother was
obsessed with, this dietmagazine called Woman's World.
It's a weekly magazine and hermom has it dog-eared and her mom
is constantly referencing itand there's, like always, a
Woman's World magazine.
And the crazy thing is is thatI was actually on the cover of
(04:31):
this magazine multiple times.
So, and during the years thatthis was all going down, i very
well could have been the girl onthe cover of these exact
magazines.
So it was kind of a crazy thingto think that there I was,
standing on a scale with a smile, or have a tape measure around
my waist with the headline withthe magazine cover saying how to
(04:53):
lose weight watching TV.
That girl was me, so it's weirdto like read a book about this
struggle that she had and thenalso seeing that like I was,
like I was on the other side ofit in a very weird, surreal way.
But, that said, i think thetakeaway that I got from
(05:16):
Jeanette's story was that shehad to get over this
relationship with her career andher mother in order to be free,
and that was the thing that Iwas like okay, this really helps
me understand my ownrelationship with my career,
(05:36):
where I had to kind of cut tieswith modeling in a very similar
way, where, even though I'mstill a model and I'm still
signed, i put a distance betweenthat life and then my life now
And that was what afforded methis like relaxing feeling to
just be able to eat freely.
So, other than that, the otheridea that I took away was this
(06:00):
idea of her distancing herselffrom her mother when her mom
passed away And that kind ofenabling her mother kind of
instilled in her the littlevoice that was telling her to do
the behaviors.
But then when her mom passedaway, that kept going.
She still had struggles withfood And it's almost like she
(06:20):
had to come to terms with likeletting go of that voice.
But, all in all, the thing Ithought that was the most was so
great about her book was thatit still had a very good sense
of humor And she can talk aboutthese topics like her mother
dying and eating disorder andthe struggles of her career, but
make it funny And I reallyappreciated that, because
(06:42):
sometimes I think things get soserious and it is serious stuff.
It's life or death for sure,but I liked the sense of humor
with it And obviously causeshe's an actress the way she's
telling her story in the audiobook you hear her, so it makes
it that much more enjoyable tolisten to.
So the next book that is notthe actress but Maria Hornbacher
(07:05):
, who wrote Wasted.
That was the next audio bookthat I listened to And that was
just because it was arecommended book.
After I listened to, i'm GladMy Mom Died.
And the funny thing was is I'veread this book.
I read this book over a decadeago.
I have it on my bookshelf righthere And I know this book
pretty well.
But I had never listened to itas an audio book.
(07:26):
And the reason I know this bookso well is because back when I
first started to struggle withan eating disorder, i read it
when I probably 15 years ago,and this book came out I think
in the late 90s and anybodywho's had any kind of food
struggles knows this book.
It's kind of like a textbook ofeating disorder stuff, both
(07:50):
anorexia and bulimia, and thisbook was written by a prolific
writer.
This, maria Hornbacher, is awriter.
She is so good.
She is a journalist.
She went on to like.
She talks about the beginningof her career in journalism at
the end of the book.
But her story is you're hangingon every word And I found it
(08:15):
really awesome to listen to itbecause I had only ever read it
And I had remembered bits andpieces, but hearing her tell it
made it that much more powerful.
This book definitely shakes youto your core And it is graphic,
it is ugly at times, but it'salso not this.
It's not what you would expect,because the idea of the whole
(08:40):
body image thing, with havinghaving having to live up to
certain standards, can be bothexternal or internal, and you
really see with Maria how thisinternal voice just gets louder
and louder and louder and takesher over the edge Like she's.
She doesn't hold back withtalking about how she goes in
(09:03):
and out of treatment and whatkind of stuff is going on there
and how she'll get a little bitbetter but then a whole lot
worse and a little bit betterand a whole lot worse.
And that reflects my ownexperience perfectly.
So I felt like wasted was areally cerebral look at what
it's like to have an eatingdisorder and truly, if somebody
(09:24):
didn't and they read this theycould say, okay, now I kind of
have an idea of what's going on.
I actually told my therapist toread that one.
So after he told me to read I'mglad my mom died I told him to
read wasted And I was like readthis one but buckle up because
it's, it's rough.
And, yeah, what I love about herwriting is that you, you
(09:47):
understand how this becomes thismajor fixation to try to attain
something that is so pure Andthat word I'm putting in air
quotes because obviously beingunderweight is not pure, it's
not like it means trying to bethe aspirational goal.
But there's something that'sbaked into a lot of women or
(10:10):
people in society that strugglewith food stuff, that the
lighter you are are the morepure, or or I don't even say
perfect, but like the way you'recloser to the ideal.
And that, to me, really strikesa chord, because I think about
how, when I was modeling andthey were telling me to lose
(10:30):
weight, but that it was likethey were trying to disguise it
as like you'll just be likebetter if you're just a little
bit lighter, if you cut someinches off of your hips, and
that got stuck in me of likeyou'll be better, like some
things will just be better ifyou're lighter.
And I specifically rememberbeing told to like if I had lost
(10:52):
just a little bit of weight,that my face would read better
in the pictures and stuff, evenif you didn't see.
Because I remember I was like,well, why can't I just be a
beauty model, why can't I justdo that kind of stuff where it's
just my face and not my bodyAnd my body can be just
completely out of the equation?
And I was told that like I'lljust look better if I'm lighter
(11:13):
And yeah, that sticks.
So I think about like that ideaof how it coincided with this
feeling of purity and beingperfect, so yeah.
And then she talks a lot aboutthe adrenaline of running on
empty.
That to me, so I completely getthat, because I remember
(11:37):
thinking when I was the lightestthat I ever was and people
would say things they'd beshocked I'd be on set working
and stuff that almost gave memore energy.
And she was talking about beingvery busy working in DC,
writing, covering stories andjust running like on fumes.
And I was like, yeah, that Iwas in that same kind of manic
state in the height of mymodeling career.
(11:58):
So Mariah Hornbacher nailed itwith that book man, it's just
like.
That is the book that I thinkpeople should read when they
want to understand.
She also talks about thedichotomy of between being a
bulimic and an anorectic andlike how you're, she was kind of
always aspiring to be ananorectic, of not needing food,
but she would succumb to thesebinges and purges and ultimately
(12:21):
be bulimic.
So the next book was Inside Outby Demi Moore, and that was
another one that just kind ofpopped up on my feet of
something to listen to And Inever really, i mean, i knew who
Demi Moore was.
She's a famous actress andshe's been in all these big
movies, and this book reallyspoke to me because I didn't
(12:45):
realize that a lot of herupbringing was kind of messed up
and that she almost wasthrusted into the industry in a
way that she didn't have achance to become herself first
And I didn't have like a fuckedup upbringing like she did, but
this idea of not having yoursense of identity and then like
(13:05):
being somehow having youridentity put on you and then
trying to figure out who you are.
I feel like that has a lot todo with struggling to find
yourself and then, like you canget lost that much quicker with
both addiction and with eatingdisorders, and I mean those two
go hand in hand.
But when she specifically talksabout how she fell into
(13:29):
alcoholism and then went throughthe 12 steps, i've had the same
kind of relationship withalcohol.
So that was a really cool partof her story to listen to, as
well as while she was.
I mean I didn't know that thisbook had so much to do with her
pregnancies and how she waspregnant four different times
(13:50):
And she talks about having amiscarriage but that with her
three daughters she was in andout of roles, kind of
sandwiching, as she was pregnantShe would be putting on weight
to have a baby, have a baby andthen after a month later turn
around and fit into some outfitfor a movie, a major movie with
like a huge budget.
So then that relationship withfood just got very obsessive and
(14:15):
like out of control.
And she also talks about herrelationships with men with like
Bruce Willis and Ashton Kutcher, and how that coincided with
that other like escapism, almostlike where she got lost inside
of her relationship with AshtonKutcher And when she came out of
it it was just like crippling.
(14:37):
So that's something that Irelate to too.
So I definitely I appreciatedthese women coming forth with
their stories so much and beingso honest.
Like I was actually quitesurprised that some with both to
me more and Jeanette McCartycause they are public figures
talking so openly about peoplethat they had been with and like
(14:57):
things that were going on inthe industry, and it's just like
they were so honest And theydidn't hold back and try to make
themselves look better or likeabove these issues, and so I got
a lot out of it.
But I would say that the threeof them together actually kind
of worked perfectly because theyall had different things to
(15:17):
offer between talking aboutaddiction and the struggles of
eating disorders, andrelationships and maternal
relationships, and so, yeah, ifound all three of them very
compelling, especially assomeone who has struggled with
both addiction and eatingproblems.
So, yeah, i hope that you guysgot something out of this little
(15:41):
review of the three books andhow they go together, and I hope
that you are able.
You can find me out if you everwanna like.
Chat with me if you wanna findme on Instagram.
I'm at LucyBietrixL-U-C-I-E-B-E-A-T-R-I-X.
And until next time, just befast, just win.
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